T2E17: “Dead Uncles and Vegetables”

LORELAI

[on answering machine] Hey, we’re not in, so – ah, bashed my thumb! Leave a message.

EMILY

I am so tired of this ridiculous machine. I get it every time I call. . .

LORELAI

Oh, that was close.

EMILY

You are Rory are always out. What is it that you do? Is your house that awful you can’t be in it? It’s too much excitement, if you ask me. . .

LORELAI

Well, what isn’t in Emily’s rules of conduct?

EMILY

I don’t want to talk to a machine, I’ll just call you later. [hangs up]

LORELAI

If you had your way, Mother, you’d lock us up like veal. That’s what she wants, veal children.

LORELAI

[on answering machine] Hey, we’re not in, so – ah, bashed my thumb! Leave a message.

EMILY

It’s me again. Listen. . .

LORELAI

You’re talking into the machine.

EMILY

Don’t forget that my DAR meeting is on Tuesday. Please. . .

LORELAI

It’s burned into my brain. It’s there forever.

EMILY

. . . it’s at three o’clock and all the women are all extremely punctual.

LORELAI

When I’m senile and ga-ga and drooling into a cup, and yet I can’t remember my name, I’ll still remember that your DAR meeting is that Tuesday.

EMILY

. . . this Tuesday. I’ll talk to you about some other things later. [hangs up]

LORELAI

I’m gonna have to be de-programmed by cult de-programmers to get that Tuesday out of my brain.

LORELAI

[on answering machine] Hey, we’re not in, so – ah, bashed my thumb! Leave a message.

EMILY

Your phone message is annoying. . .

LORELAI

Unbelievable.

EMILY

Do you know how annoying it is?

LORELAI

I think I have a standard against which to measure it.

EMILY

. . .to it yourself. Have you heard it lately?

LORELAI

I can’t because I’m amputating my ears.

EMILY

. . .and that thumb bashing thing, is that a joke? Why is it that your jokes are always. . .

LORELAI

Ah, an earless world, what a dream!

LORELAI

Haven’t you already tasted that one, Mom?

EMILY

Mm.

LORELAI

Twice, you’ve tasted that soup twice.

EMILY

You’re keeping a running count?

LORELAI

I’m morbidly fascinated.

EMILY

Well, Lorelai, when you’re tasting anything, the first taste acclimates the palate, the second establishes the foundation, and the third is to make your decision.

LORELAI

Oh, there’s going to be a third taste.

EMILY

Isn’t that what this is for – to taste the soups?

LORELAI

Taste them, yes, not to orally deduce their chemical structures.

EMILY

Everything has to be at your pace.

LORELAI

Or at a pace that can’t be measured by the number of times the earth circles the sun.

SOOKIE

You know, actually, I’ve heard that.

LORELAI

What?

SOOKIE

One is to acclimate, two is for foundation, and three to judge.

LORELAI

Traitor.

EMILY

The women in my DAR group are very picky. My God, when the pate at the meeting Heddy Cubbington organized was slightly less chilled than appropriate, she was ostracized for a month.

LORELAI

Well, that hussy Heddy had it coming.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

[to employee] Oh, gosh, they’re on time for once, good. Hey, do me a favor and, uh, tell Michel that on Wednesday. . .

EMILY

Lorelai, please.

LORELAI

Thanks. Um, Mom, I got a lot of other things happening here that can’t come to a grinding halt for this.

EMILY

So your full attention for a short period is too much to ask for?

LORELAI

Mom, I’m already giving you more attention than I would someone in these circumstances. No one else would get eight separate soups to taste for a lousy DAR. . .sorry, a not lousy DAR meeting. We only do this for weddings.

EMILY

Well, would you like me to pay for the tasting?

LORELAI

No, Mom, just decide in this calendar year.

SOOKIE

Hey, can I. . .I’m sorry. The mushroom is a great choice. It’s super popular, and it’s my Jackson’s favorite.

EMILY

Whose?

SOOKIE

Jackson, my fiancé.

EMILY

Oh, you’re getting married?

SOOKIE

To the best man in the world.

LORELAI

Oh hey, while we’re on the subject, um, bridesmaids outfits?

SOOKIE

Ooh, I’m way ahead of you. I’ve already got a couple of ideas.

LORELAI

Is one of them having me design and make them so I don’t secretly hate what you pick and then harbor a secret grudge against you for the rest of our lives?

SOOKIE

It is now.

LORELAI

I’ll do it!

SOOKIE

We’re a good team.

MICHEL

That fellow’s on the phone from the restaurant.

LORELAI

Who?

MICHEL

The flannel man with the protruding ankles.

LORELAI

Oh, Luke?

MICHEL

I forgot his name from the desk to here, that’s how memorable he is.

LORELAI

Okay, thank you.

EMILY

Where are you going?

LORELAI

Oh, to talk to Luke.

EMILY

Can’t you call him back?

LORELAI

Have your third taste, Mom. [leaves]

EMILY

Lorelai! Is she always this scattered?

SOOKIE

She’s the stablest person I know.

EMILY

That’s very sad. Well, I think you’re right, mushroom.

SOOKIE

Great.

EMILY

So, tell me more about your wedding.

SOOKIE

Oh, I’ve just started planning so there’s not that much to tell.

EMILY

Well, have you decided on anything yet? The location or the music for the ceremony, maybe?

SOOKIE

Oh, we’ll probably just, you know, wind up playing something off a CD.

EMILY

Oh.

SOOKIE

What?

EMILY

Well, CD’s can be very unreliable. They break sometimes, or they skip, or the person assigned to turn them on and off gets distracted and the whole ceremony is ruined.

SOOKIE

I hadn’t thought of that.

EMILY

Have you thought about live music?

SOOKIE

Well. . .

EMILY

A nice string ensemble.

SOOKIE

Ooh, that sounds nice.

EMILY

There are a couple of wonderful groups I could recommend.

SOOKIE

Sure. I mean, I guess it doesn’t hurt to check ‘em out.

EMILY

No, it doesn’t. Mushroom soup.

SOOKIE

String quartet.

LORELAI

Luke?

LUKE

Yeah, hi.

LORELAI

Hello.

LUKE

How’s it going?

LORELAI

Pretty good, pretty good. How’s things with you?

LUKE

Oh, not bad. Dropped some eggs.

LORELAI

Bummer.

LUKE

Hazard of the business. Am I catching you at a bad time?

LORELAI

Oh, no, it’s kind of slow here. So slow, in fact, that Michel and I were about to get the tetherball out.

LUKE

That’s the thing with a ball tethered to a rope?

LORELAI

Hey, I never knew that’s where the tether comes from.

LUKE

Yeah, it’s tethered. It’s tied, like an anchor is tethered to a rope on a boat.

LORELAI

Neat, neat.

LUKE

Yeah, most people probably don’t put that together.

LORELAI

Probably not.

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

So, anything else?

LUKE

Uh, yeah, actually – if I needed a room or two for a couple of days, would that be possible?

LORELAI

You need rooms?

LUKE

Like nine.

LORELAI

You need nine rooms?

LUKE

Just for a couple of days, Wednesday and Thursday.

LORELAI

Uh, well, I can take care of that. What’s it for?

LUKE

Uh, just got some family coming in.

LORELAI

Reunion? ‘Cause we can get the tetherball out.

LUKE

Nah, funeral.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

Yeah, my Uncle Louie died last night and I’m arranging the funeral for him.

LORELAI

Oh, Luke, I’m so sorry. Here I was babbling about tetherball.

LUKE

And you weren’t babbling.

LORELAI

Well, you’ve got nine rooms, Wednesday and Thursday.

LUKE

You sure?

LORELAI

It’s a done deal.

LUKE

Thanks.

LORELAI

Luke, I’m so, so sorry.

LUKE

It’s okay. It sounds like he went peaceful. He was eighty-five.

LORELAI

But it’s always hard. Um, are you okay?

LUKE

Yeah, I’m okay.

LORELAI

Can I help you with anything else?

LUKE

No, the rooms are help enough.

LORELAI

Are you sure, ‘cause I’m dealing with my mom now and I’d be happy to rush over and help with whatever. You’d be doing me a favor.

LUKE

The rooms are all I need, thanks.

LORELAI

You’re welcome.

LUKE

Well, I gotta go.

LORELAI

Call if you need anything.

LUKE

I will. By the way, that French guy’s a putz.

LORELAI

Oh yeah, he knows.

LUKE

All right, see ya.

LORELAI

Bye.

RORY

It’s so sad.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

Was Luke, like, shaken over his uncle dying?

LORELAI

I don’t know. He’s so unflappable. It’s hard to tell.

RORY

The man definitely can’t be flapped.

WOMAN

Can I get another cup of coffee?

LUKE

In a minute.

SY

Hey, is that my food?

MAN

More coffee here, too, please.

LUKE

In a minute.

SY

Is that my food?

KIRK

More coffee for me, too.

LUKE

Shut up, Kirk.

SY

Is that my food?

LUKE

Yes, Sy, that’s your food.

SY

Well, can I have it?

LUKE

I’m doing all I can here, folks.

KIRK

I asked nicely.

MAN

Hey, hey, watch the cord!

LUKE

Try ducking.

KIRK

You should update to a cordless.

LORELAI

Hey, whatcha doing? Watch, watch it.

LUKE

Ah, buh buh buh. . .thanks, thanks, I’m on the phone.

LORELAI

We noticed.

LUKE

Yeah, I can’t serve and be on the phone.

RORY

We noticed that, too.

LORELAI

But your reenactment of Jerry Lewis in The Diner Guy is gonna wow the critics.

RORY

Where should the poached eggs go?

LUKE

Crank in the hat.

SY

Hey, I’m not a crank! You’re a crank, crank!

RORY

He is a crank.

LORELAI

And the French toast?

LUKE

Lady with the giant purse. Ah, yup.

MAN

This is not good.

LORELAI

Hey, fall back cowboy.

LUKE

Yo, whoa, whoa, whoa – what are you doing?

LORELAI

Come here. Just stay on the phone and give me these. Where do they go?

LUKE

Table by the window.

LORELAI

Don’t you number your tables?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

You should number your tables.

LUKE

What good would that do? If I said a number, you wouldn’t know what table was what number.

LORELAI

But all restaurants number their table. You should number your tables.

LUKE

Table five, they go to table five.

LORELAI

Cool. Which one is that?

LUKE

Table by the window.

LORELAI

By the window, Elma.

RORY

Got it, Gertie.

KIRK

Hello? How 'bout that coffee?

LORELAI

I got it.

LUKE

Thanks.

KIRK

But, but – mine's a quarter caf.

LORELAI

Huh?

KIRK

Three-fourths decaf, one-fourth caffeinated.

LORELAI

I four-fourths don't care.

KIRK

Fill it up.

LUKE

Sorry about this.

LORELAI

It's okay.

LUKE

Sometimes you get the world’s full of people who micromanage their lives to the point where they can't wait an extra second for anything.

LORELAI

We're running out of coffee.

LUKE

I'll make some more.

LORELAI

No, I got it.

LUKE

Do you know how?

LORELAI

Do I . . . ugh. . .I am Cathy Coffee, mister, the bastard offspring of Mrs. Folger and Juan Valdez.

RORY

Hey Luke, where's Jess?

LUKE

I don't know.

RORY

School?

LUKE

Please. He’s probably upstairs.

RORY

Really? Excuse me.

LUKE

It's too strong.

LORELAI

No, it's not.

LUKE

No, it's too strong.

LORELAI

You're on the phone.

LUKE

Not everybody likes it that strong.

LORELAI

Well, then I shall convert them. I am the Jehovah's coffee girl.

RORY

Jess, open up! I know you're in there.

JESS

My, aren't we bright eyed and bushy tailed.

RORY

Luke needs you downstairs.

JESS

Why?

RORY

Because he's on the phone with someone and Caesar's off today and the place is packed and he needs help.

JESS

I'll be down in a minute.

RORY

No, now.

JESS

I'm in the middle of something.

RORY

Just assume that Jeannie’s gonna get Major Healey out of whatever scrape he's in.

JESS

Gee, thanks for spoiling it for me.

KIRK

I need some more Equal.

LORELAI

There’s one right there.

KIRK

I need seven

LORELAI

Seven? You’re not squirreling these away in your pocket for home use, are you, Kirk?

KIRK

No, I use seven in my coffee.

LORELAI

Okay, good, then allow me. [pours seven Equals into his cup] There you go. Go ahead and give that a taste, see if it’s to your liking.

KIRK

Okay. [takes sip] Perfection.

LORELAI

Good.

LORELAI

Well, you’re very graceful.

JESS

She pushed me.

RORY

Sue me.

JESS

I could’ve broken my neck.

RORY

As long as it’s not your arm. We need your arm.

JESS

Despot.

LUKE

Took me twenty minutes to get pass this place’s stupid busy signal, then they put me on hold forever.

LORELAI

Who’s keeping you on hold?

LUKE

That mortuary in Florida where my uncle’s at.

LORELAI

Florida? I thought he was in the area.

LUKE

No no, he spent most of his life here but retired to Orlando, so I gotta ship the body back here.

LORELAI

Aw, he wanted to be buried in Stars Hollow?

LUKE

Nah, my dad wanted my uncle buried in Stars Hollow right next to him.

LORELAI

That’s nice.

LUKE

Well, they were really close, and Louie didn’t have any wife or kids to look out for things and before my dad died, he asked me if I’d look out for him.

LORELAI

For Louie?

LUKE

Yeah, he just wanted me to make sure he got a proper funeral. You know, respectful, dignified.

LORELAI

No horseshoe carnation wreaths, got it. Good man, that dad of yours.

LUKE

And since Louie’s a war veteran, the town Revolutionary War reenactors will attend the service, do the salute thing, you know. I mean, it makes me nauseous, but my dad wanted it. [on phone] Yeah, hi, I’m still here. . .Yes, the deceased is Louie Danes. . .Right. . .No, Hartford’s not too far, I can do that. Thanks. [hangs up] Great, that’s done. Uh, okay, I should probably go pick out a coffin before he gets here.

LORELAI

Great, go.

LUKE

I have to close up.

LORELAI

No, you don’t. You’re covered.

LUKE

You don’t have to do this.

LORELAI

We don’t mind. Go. It’ll give me a chance to number all the tables.

LUKE

Be my guest.

LORELAI

Also, are they arranged like this for any particular reason?

LUKE

Don’t change anything.

LORELAI

It’s totally not feng shui.

LUKE

Gertie.

LORELAI

Go.

MRS. CASSINI

Excuse me, Taylor, where are your Brussels sprouts?

TAYLOR

My supplier was out of them this week, Mrs. Cassini. Maybe next week.

MRS. CASSINI

Oh, I wanted to make them tonight.

TAYLOR

Sorry.

MRS. CASSINI

Okay, I’ll just try across the street. Thank you.

TAYLOR

You’re welcome. Across the street? [goes outside] What is that?

MRS. CASSINI

It’s a farmer’s market. Isn’t it wonderful? It just opened this morning and. . .I see sprouts!

TAYLOR

Who’s the proprietor here?

PROPRIETOR

That would be me. What can I do for you?

TAYLOR

Wait a minute, I know you. You’re that long-haired freak that wanted to be town troubadour even though that weird brown-corduroy-jacket-wearing freak was already it.

PROPRIETOR

That’s right, good memory! How are ya? [hugs him]

TAYLOR

Let go of me!

PROPRIETOR

Don’t like to be touched, that’s cool. Got a little David and Lisa thing happening? Made a mental note, no problem. Can I help you find something?

TAYLOR

I just want to know what inspired you to open a produce stand right across the street from my market.

PROPRIETOR

Oh, is that your market?

TAYLOR

Yes, that’s my market.

PROPRIETOR

Well, it’s real nice, homey. Bought a box of tissues there – good stuff, good stuff.

MISS PATTY

Excuse me? Your parsley – is it priced per bunch or per pound?

PROPRIETOR

Per pound, beautiful.

MISS PATTY

Mmm, good deal.

TAYLOR

Patty!

MISS PATTY

Oh, hi Taylor, how are you?

TAYLOR

You mean not counting the knife sticking in my back?

MISS PATTY

Oh, sure honey, whatever.

TAYLOR

There must be some mistake – this just isn’t right.

PROPRIETOR

It’s all approved by the proper authorities. I followed the rules, it’s what my father taught me. Cop for twenty years, got shot in the butt. Good man – tips over sometimes when he sits – but good man.

MRS. CASSINI

Beautiful sprouts.

PROPRIETOR

For a beautiful lady.

MRS. CASSINI

Thank you.

TAYLOR

I feel sick.

PROPRIETOR

That’ll be four dollars. See ya, Mr. Doose.

TAYLOR

I wanna lie down.

MICHEL

Ah, Lorelai, good – tell me about the nine rooms set aside here. There’s no name anywhere that I can see, and no credit card to hold them. Mistake?

LORELAI

No, it’s for Luke.

MICHEL

For who?

LORELAI

Luke from Luke’s Diner.

MICHEL

Nine rooms for Luke from Luke’s Diner?

LORELAI

That’s right.

MICHEL

French fry convention?

LORELAI

No, just personal.

MICHEL

Milkshake symposium?

LORELAI

No Michel, it’s something personal and I’m vouching for him.

MICHEL

Soda pop seminar?

LORELAI

Stop!

MICHEL

Pickle party?

LORELAI

He’s got nine rooms, now stifle.

LORELAI

Oh, Mom, hi there.

EMILY

Lorelai, hello.

LORELAI

I’m sorry, did we get our signals crossed? I don’t remember making an appointment with you.

EMILY

We have to make appointments to see each other?

LORELAI

No, but – good one.

EMILY

I’m not here to see you.

LORELAI

Oh, this isn’t about the DAR meeting?

EMILY

No, that’s all ready to go. I’m here to meet with Sookie.

LORELAI

Sookie?

EMILY

I’m a little late, traffic was awful. Excuse me, would you?

LORELAI

Oh my God.

SOOKIE

Aren’t they beautiful?

LORELAI

Gorgeous. What are they for?

SOOKIE

My wedding.

LORELAI

Your wedding?

SOOKIE

Emily, hi!

EMILY

Well, is this everything I said it was?

SOOKIE

And more.

LORELAI

What do you mean they’re for your wedding?

SOOKIE

Oh, it’s this company’s sample place setting. Emily set me up with them. They did Celine Dion’s wedding, and Steven Spielberg’s daughter’s Jack Russell Terrier’s Bark Mitzvah.

LORELAI

You’re putting me on.

SOOKIE

I couldn’t make that up.

EMILY

Excuse me, this one’s slightly asymmetrical. Fix these.

LORELAI

Hey, um, what is with the fancy place settings? I thought you were just gonna keep it simple.

SOOKIE

It is simple.

LORELAI

It lights up.

SOOKIE

Just flip a switch, simple.

LORELAI

Tell me how my mother got so involved in all of this.

SOOKIE

She’s not that involved. She just mentioned the other day when she was here that she knew some people that could make some samples of stuff for us, like table settings and flower arrangements.

LORELAI

But we were gonna do the flowers ourselves.

SOOKIE

I know, but what a hassle that would be.

LORELAI

It’s to save money – flowers cost a fortune.

SOOKIE

Yeah, but, the sampling of – what they’re doing today – it’s free. I’m not committed to any of this.

LORELAI

I hope not.

SOOKIE

It’s true – I say no, it all goes away. Not a penny is spent.

LORELAI

Okay.

SOOKIE

And it’s fun.

LORELAI

I don’t wanna take away your fun, I just want you to be careful. See, you’ve entered Emilyland.

SOOKIE

Emilyland?

LORELAI

It’s an upside down world where the Horchow House is considered low-rent and diamonds less than twenty-four carats are Cracker Jack trinkets and Bentleys are for losers who can’t afford a Rolls.

SOOKIE

But I’m okay, really.

LORELAI

All right. I have to help Luke with the lunch rush today, so I gotta go.

SOOKIE

Go, we’re fine.

LORELAI

Okay. Bye Mom.

EMILY

[picks up a glass] Is that a fingerprint? My God, that’s a fingerprint! Who touched this? Let me see your hands!

TAYLOR

Turnips, turnips, turnips. . .

RORY

What?

TAYLOR

Huh?

RORY

What about turnips?

TAYLOR

Why did you say turnips?

RORY

Because you said turnips.

TAYLOR

No, I didn’t.

RORY

I think you did.

TAYLOR

Nope.

RORY

Okay.

TAYLOR

But I’ve got turnips – good ones, too. They’re not as big as that crinite freak’s turnips, but who needs bloated turnips? Mine are unassuming. I have nice, humble turnips.

RORY

Okie dokie. [walks to the counter] Taylor’s wigging.

LORELAI

I know. He’s been sitting there like the final days of Dick Nixon for almost an hour.

RORY

Keep an eye on him.

LORELAI

Hello there, how’s it going?

CUSTOMER

Very good, young lady. You’re still serving breakfast?

LORELAI

We serve it all day. What’ll you have?

CUSTOMER

Two eggs up on toast.

LORELAI

Up, huh?

CUSTOMER

Yup.

LORELAI

Wouldn’t you rather have ‘em scrambled?

CUSTOMER

Nope, up’s how I like ‘em.

LORELAI

Come on, scrambled’s better. Give it a shot. Say you want two scrambled eggs on toast, please?

CUSTOMER

Okay, young lady, two scrambled eggs on toast.

LORELAI

Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck ‘em! That’s real live diner talk, see? The wreck ‘em is the scrambled part.

CUSTOMER

I deduced that.

TAYLOR

I don’t believe it, I don’t believe it!

LORELAI

What’s the matter?

TAYLOR

That’s Babette with an armload of rutabagas, and there’s Miss Patty again – since when does she eat so much fruit?

LORELAI

Hey Kirk.

KIRK

Hello. Where’s Luke?

LORELAI

Oh, he’s busy with some stuff so Rory and I are helping out. What can I get you?

KIRK

I don’t know. I want lunch, but I’m not sure what to get.

LORELAI

I have a suggestion. How about a hamburger with some strawberry ice cream with chocolate sauce for dessert?

KIRK

Sounds good.

LORELAI

Yo, burn one, then pass me a pink stick and throw some mud on it! God, I love this business.

PROPRIETOR

Boy, it’s freezing out there.

LORELAI

Yes, it’s quite a cold snap. How ‘bout a hot blonde with sand?

PROPRIETOR

Coffee with cream and sugar would be great, thanks. Make sure its’ foot’s out the door.

LORELAI

Put it in a cup to go, got it.

PROPRIETOR

This icy weather hasn’t kept customers away, though. They just keep coming. A lot of vegetable soup being eaten tonight, yesiree. Hope I don’t put the good people at Campbell’s out of business. Oh, hey Taylor. Didn’t notice you there.

TAYLOR

Hello.

PROPRIETOR

Taking a little break? I don’t see how if you’re anywhere near as busy as I am. Keep waiting for a lull, I never get one. I say to the people, ‘hey, I’ll be back in a jif’ and they’re – look at ‘em – they’re lining up out there already.

TAYLOR

Well, FYI, Van Halen hair, I’m plenty busy, but a good well-groomed businessman with properly prepared staff can take a break now and then.

KIRK

It probably helped that your store was completely dead, too.

TAYLOR

It was not dead.

KIRK

I thought it was closed when I walked by, but then I saw Gabby sitting at the cash register reading a tabloid.

TAYLOR

Shut up, Kirk.

KIRK

Tapping on the counter with one of those little astrological scrolls.

TAYLOR

Enough.

LORELAI

Here you go.

PROPRIETOR

Gracias. Oh boy, it’s a mob scene. [leaves]

LORELAI

Luke, it’s me.

LORELAI

Hey. I brought you a wimpy with a rose pinned on it.

LUKE

A what?

LORELAI

Turkey burger with onions.

LUKE

Oh, thanks. Come on in.

LORELAI

How’s the money pit coming?

LUKE

Oh, just uh. . .that’s it.

LORELAI

What’s the matter?

LUKE

Nothing. None of them are coming – not a one.

LORELAI

Who?

LUKE

My relatives – the ones I booked all the rooms for – not one is coming to Louie’s funeral.

LORELAI

You’re kidding – why?

LUKE

I don’t know, which lame-o excuse do you wanna hear first? A bunch of ‘em claimed they can’t get outta work.

LORELAI

It’s not so lame-o.

LUKE

Randy and Barbara don’t wanna miss their brat kid’s rugby semifinal.

LORELAI

Rugby has semifinals?

LUKE

My sister never even called back. My cousins Paul and Jim, who my dad helped put through college, said they were too exhausted from a fishing trip. And slightly disturbed cousin Franny said she can’t leave because her Petey’s sick.

LORELAI

Son?

LUKE

Parrot.

LORELAI

Petey the parrot?

LUKE

I saw the stupid thing once on a visit, flapping its wings like crazy, banging around, squawking the only two words it knows over and over – Petey and gorgeous. Gorgeous, Petey, gorgeous, Petey!

LORELAI

That’s disturbing.

LUKE

My family’s disturbing.

LORELAI

I’m so sorry.

LUKE

This is wrong, this is not how it’s done. A family member dies, you pay your respects – period.

LORELAI

Look at it this way – if they don’t wanna be there, you don’t want them there.

LUKE

My dad wanted ‘em to be there.

LORELAI

I know. But hey, Louie lived in Stars Hollow most of his life, so a lot of people from here will be there, right?

LUKE

Right.

LORELAI

I know it’s upsetting, but maybe it’s better this way.

LUKE

Yeah, I guess. I really hate that bird.

RORY

Hey Mom?

LORELAI

What’s up, honey? You got a herd of bulls shopping for China?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Customers – how long have you owned a diner?

RORY

Sorry. Jackson’s outside, he wants to talk to you, he says it’s important.

LORELAI

About what?

RORY

I don’t know. He seems upset.

LORELAI

Ah. All right. You okay?

LUKE

Yeah, thanks.

LORELAI

You might wanna study up on that diner talk.

LUKE

I’ll do that tonight.

RORY

Hey Luke, where’s Jess?

LUKE

I don’t know, he’s probably out playing basketball or something.

RORY

That little punk.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, uh, can I take your order?

CUSTOMER

Yes, uh, bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich, no mayo.

LORELAI

Yo, uh, I need a piggy piggy with a green bla. . .uh, green bed, green blanket. . . BLT, no mayo! Rats.

LORELAI

Jackson?

JACKSON

I’m a miserable man.

LORELAI

What’s up?

JACKSON

Remember that sweet, simple, affordable little wedding Sookie and I agreed on with minimal disagreement – no disagreement, in fact – perhaps the first time in the history of wedding planning that a couple agreed one hundred percent on everything?

LORELAI

Yes.

JACKSON

Gone. Ancient history. It’s the Library of Alexandria, it’s the Colossus of Roads, it’s Pop Rocks, it’s over, and do you know why?

LORELAI

My mother?

JACKSON

Look! [points to Sookie and Emily near the gazebo]

LORELAI

What are they doing?

JACKSON

They’re measuring the town.

LORELAI

They’re what?

JACKSON

They’re measuring the entire town with tape measures.

LORELAI

Oh my God.

JACKSON

Your mother got hers at Neiman Marcus. It’s platinum with gold leaf – it costs more than my car!

LORELAI

I am so sorry.

JACKSON

Look, I love Sookie and I want her to have what she wants, but . . . you see what they’re doing now?

LORELAI

Yeah.

JACKSON

According to their diagrams, that’s where the sixteen-piece orchestra goes.

LORELAI

How are they gonna fit a sixteen-piece orchestra in the gazebo?

JACKSON

Oh, they wanna move the gazebo.

LORELAI

What?

JACKSON

A gazebo that’s been there for a hundred years and they wanna move it. Who moves a gazebo? What kind of twisted mind even thinks about moving a gazebo?

LORELAI

Okay, I’ll take care of this.

JACKSON

She’s so excited.

LORELAI

She’s brainwashed. She’s Patricia Hearst and my mother is the SLA.

JACKSON

I just hope it’s not too late.

LORELAI

I hope so, too.

JESS

Watch the shirt!

RORY

Cork it!

MISS PATTY

Well, it seems the right thing to do, Taylor.

TAYLOR

I concur. When one gazes at Stars Hollow, one can easily overlook a vital component of its beauty and that’s the humble yet spunky twinkle light.

JESS

Holy cow.

LUKE

It doesn’t get fruitier.

TAYLOR

Harry’s House of Twinkle Lights has been an integral part of this time for twenty years, so it’s only right that we honor his retirement. So I hereby designate next Tuesday, Harry the Twinkle Light Man from Harry’s House of Twinkle Lights Day.

JESS

Well, that just trips off the tongue.

TAYLOR

Late again, are we?

LORELAI

Yes, I hope I’m not pregnant!

TAYLOR

What?

LORELAI

Are these seats taken?

LUKE

Don’t drag me into this.

TAYLOR

You really have to work on your punctuality, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in a half an hour ago.

LORELAI

Uh, dirty!

TAYLOR

I’m gonna take advantage of this unexpected pause in our proceedings to confer with Miss Patty about the next item on our agenda.

LORELAI

What’d we miss?

LUKE

Harry’s retiring.

RORY

The twinkle light man?

LORELAI

What do we do for twinkle lights?

LUKE

Go to any discount store?

LORELAI

Blasphemy.

RORY

What are you doing here anyhow? This is a town meeting for people who participate in and care about the town.

JESS

Well, Corky’s Country Cavalcade on public access was pre-empted, so I thought I’d check out the next best thing.

LORELAI

I’m surprised you have time to be here.

LUKE

I don’t, but I haven’t been able to get any of the war reenactors on the phone and I have to confirm them for Louie’s funeral.

TAYLOR

All right now, the last order of business is a matter relating personally to me, therefore I'm going to give Miss Patty my gavel.

LORELAI

Again, dirty!

TAYLOR

Stop that. Now don’t go power mad.

MISS PATTY

Oh, all right, gee. Now the chair recognizes Taylor Doose. Taylor, you have the floor.

TAYLOR

Thank you, Patty. My issue, ladies and gentlemen, is in the form of a grievance against this hirsute hippie who opened a produce stand in the park.

BABETTE

Oh yeah, killer veggies.

SY

Tasty.

MISS PATTY

The squash is beautiful.

BABETTE

Sexy – it’s sexy squash.

TAYLOR

Sexy or not, I demand that this man produce his permit post haste.

PROPRIETOR

Got it right here.

TAYLOR

Mm hmm, just what I thought. This is not the proper permit for this kind of business. This is a type twenty-four B, otherwise known as a cart, kiosk, cart, kiosk permit. This is not valid for your business.

PROPRIETOR

Why’d you say it twice?

TAYLOR

Hmm?

BABETTE

You said cart, kiosk, cart, kiosk.

LORELAI

It’s repetitive.

RORY

And redundant.

LORELAI

It’s repetitive.

RORY

And redundant.

LORELAI

We certainly are entertaining, Mac.

RORY

Indubitably, Tosh.

TAYLOR

It’s not redundant. It’s three separate things. It’s a cart, a kiosk, and a mechanical hybrid referred to as a cart-slash-kiosk, hence cart, kiosk, cart/kiosk.

BABETTE

He did it again.

KIRK

He’s been stressed lately. His store is deserted.

TAYLOR

I’ll make it simple. This is for businesses that roll in in the morning and roll out at night. Emphasis on the word roll – rolling businesses, businesses that roll.

PROPRIETOR

But I carry my tables out at night.

TAYLOR

But you’re supposed to roll them, Rapunzel, and carrying isn’t rolling, is it? I mean, did anyone hear the word rolling come out of his mouth? Check the transcript, I think you’ll find one word missing – rolling!

MISS PATTY

Transcript?

LORELAI

Yeah, Taylor, this isn’t Charlie Rose.

BABETTE

He’s losing his marbles.

ANDREW

It’s just a personal vendetta.

KIRK

His store is deserted.

MISS PATTY

I think that we should end the meeting right here, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Wait a second, wait a second! You there, when Lady Godiva here wanted to be town troubadour over you, I stood by your side. Why aren’t you backing me now?

TROUBADOUR

‘Cause you left me twistin’ for a long time before you did, Taylor, and it didn’t feel good. I even wrote a song about the experience.

LORELAI

Oh, I heard it. It’s called "Taylor Left Me Twistin’."

RORY

Oh yeah, it’s really good.

TROUBADOUR

You think? Because I’m having a little trouble with the chorus. Taylor left me twistin’, he set my eyes a mistin’. I’m just not sure if it has that thing, though, you know?

LORELAI

Oh, no, I love that part. I actually thought that maybe at the end you could do more about the sweater. We’ll talk.

MISS PATTY

I’m gonna wrap this up.

TAYLOR

Now, Patty, how would you feel if this guy decided to open the long-haired freak school of dance or the long-haired freak diner, Luke? Or the long-haired freak bookstore? It’s not good, right?

MISS PATTY

All right, everybody who agrees that we would not feel good about that, say aye.

ALL

Aye!

MISS PATTY

Meeting adjourned, goodnight.

LORELAI

Another fun one!

LUKE

Taylor, hold on a sec!

RORY

[to Jess] Don’t you have some cleaning up to do over at the diner?

LUKE

Guys, hold it, come on, you heard me calling you, stop!

TAYLOR

What is it, Luke?

LUKE

What do you mean, what is it? My Uncle Louie’s funeral is tomorrow afternoon and I haven’t heard from any of you. The man was a World War II veteran, that’s what you reenactor freaks do – you go to vet’s funerals, so you’re gonna be there, right? Hello?

TAYLOR

You said you were gonna talk to him, Sy.

SY

Bert said he was gonna do it.

BERT

It’s Taylor’s job.

SY

You always pass the buck.

LUKE

Talk to me about what, guys?

TAYLOR

You might as well know, Luke. We don’t wanna go to Louie’s funeral.

LUKE

What?

ANDREW

We all hated Louie.

LUKE

Oh, come on, that’s not true.

TAYLOR

He always had a scowl on his face, not a kind word for anybody. He would light those hideous cigars, blow smoke in people’s faces and then spit after each puff.

SY

He was disgusting.

ANDREW

And mean.

KIRK

He kicked my dog when I was a kid.

SY

He hit on my wife repeatedly.

KIRK

Toto was always different after that.

SY

My wife was much affected as well.

KIRK

I’d toss her something to fetch and she’d start to run after it and halfway there she’d forget what she was doing.

SY

She never enjoyed her soap operas the same after that.

KIRK

She’d just lie down and go to sleep.

LUKE

This is an exaggeration.

BERT

We’re not exaggerating. We threw a big party when he left town!

SY

I made love to my life that night like I never have.

KIRK

My Toto barked a happy bark, then quietly stopped breathing. She was old.

LUKE

I don’t believe this.

ANDREW

Come on, Luke. You knew the guy.

LUKE

This man was my uncle, okay, and a war veteran. He deserves a veteran’s funeral, but hey, if you guys are too lazy to show up, then. . .

TAYLOR

He’s the lazy one. Never once did he participate in a town function. In fact, when we reenactors gathered, he’d throw things at us.

SY

And not soft things, hard things.

BERT

Rocks, and small tools.

LUKE

Okay, I’ve heard enough.

SY

And he got meaner as he got older. Never married, never had kids.

BERT

A real loner.

LUKE

To hell with you guys, who needs you! I might just throw rocks and small tools at you myself next time I see ya!

TAYLOR

A defensive hothead, just like Louie!

BERT

They’re practically clones.

SOOKIE

Oh my God, this is so hi-tech.

LORELAI

Hey. What’s going on?

SOOKIE

I’m downloading wedding stuff from Prague.

LORELAI

Oh, you’re kidding.

SOOKIE

It’s streaming in right now. That’s Internet talk – streaming. Did you know that? And did you know it’s not called Czechoslovakia anymore? It’s just Czech Republic. Slovakia is its own separate thing. It’s weird, isn’t it? It’s like if we just suddenly started saying there’s no more Connecticut, it’s just Connec. . . Ticut.

LORELAI

Sookie, what are you downloading from Prague?

MICHEL

Oh, this will much amuse you.

SOOKIE

Color samples for the big ceramic stands.

LORELAI

Big ceramic stands for what?

SOOKIE

For the giant papier-mâché mushrooms.

LORELAI

What are the papier-mâché mushrooms for?

SOOKIE

For the midgets dressed like angels to dance under, silly.

LORELAI

Oh my God.

SOOKIE

Emily found the best papier-mâché mushroom maker in Paris. He’s much better than the guy that makes them in Belgium – what a hack.

LORELAI

Sookie, honey, I need you stop staring and streaming for one second. We need to talk.

MICHEL

Please, please do not talk her out of these things. I do not want to die without seeing midgets dancing with a mushroom.

LORELAI

Stay out of this.

MICHEL

Oh, you’re no fun.

SOOKIE

What is it honey?

LORELAI

The danger of Emilyworld is that you don’t always know you’re in it, when actually you are.

SOOKIE

Aw, not this Emilyworld stuff again

LORELAI

Sookie, have you run the numbers on any of this? What is this costing you?

SOOKIE

I don’t know the full cost but your mother is getting me fifty percent off everything. She is so connected.

LORELAI

Okay, but fifty percent off a load of money is still half a load of money. You don’t have half a load to spend.

SOOKIE

Well, if I scrimp I can afford a quarter load.

LORELAI

That’s still too much.

SOOKIE

Well, your mother said she’d chip in a little.

LORELAI

Sookie, that is way, way, way inappropriate.

SOOKIE

I didn’t take her up on it but it was nice.

LORELAI

Sookie, this isn’t you, the midgets and the mushrooms and God knows what else. And it isn’t Jackson either.

SOOKIE

What do you mean?

LORELAI

We talked.

SOOKIE

You and Jackson talked?

LORELAI

I’m sorry but he came to me all upset, and I love you Sookie and I love him too and it just seemed like it was time for me to meddle.

SOOKIE

He was upset?

LORELAI

He was pretty upset.

SOOKIE

Why didn’t he just talk to me?

LORELAI

Because he’s Jackson, he wants you to be happy and to give you everything you want. So what it comes down to is – is this what you want?

SOOKIE

Well, maybe the midgets are a little over the top. And the mushrooms. . . oh my God, it’s all sounding so silly now.

LORELAI

You’re coming out of it, keep going.

SOOKIE

No, no, it’s not what I want! We were supposed to keep this nice and simple. God, we had it all worked out.

LORELAI

So go back.

SOOKIE

I will go back. That is, if Jackson still wants to marry me.

LORELAI

Of course he still wants to marry you.

SOOKIE

I’m gonna call him and I’m gonna tell him it’s all changing back.

LORELAI

Good.

SOOKIE

Ooh, I should call and cancel some stuff first. I’ve gotta call Belgium and Oslo and, uh, oh, Copenhagen, Bora Bora.

LORELAI

What did you order from there?

SOOKIE

I’m gonna shield you from that one.

LORELAI

Thanks. [answers phone] Hello?. . .Luke!. . . Slow down, slow down. . . Okay, I’ll come right over. [hangs up] I gotta go. Call, call, and welcome back, friend.

SOOKIE

Thanks. Ooh, I’m gonna start with Hong Kong. I’m hoping those acrobats can get another gig.

LORELAI

There you are. What – .

LUKE

It won’t close.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

The lid.

LORELAI

To what? [sees casket] Oh, hello. . . Louie.

LUKE

That’s Louie.

LORELAI

Nice tan. So, now, you say the lid won’t close?

LUKE

Yes, the lid won’t close.

LORELAI

Did you buy the right size?

LUKE

Of course I bought the right size.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

It’s the model we recommend for those of medium height and weight.

LUKE

And he’s of medium height and weight.

LORELAI

So then why won’t it close?

LUKE

Because of the stuff.

LORELAI

What stuff?

LUKE

The stuff. He left a list of stuff he wanted buried with him.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

It’s not uncommon.

LUKE

It’s a very long list. His fishing reel, bowling trophy, a flask, his antique dueling pistols, his copy of Sherman’s Memoirs.

LORELAI

So is all the stuff in there now?

LUKE

Yes, it is. I shoved it in the best I could but now it won’t close which defeats the entire purpose of having a damn casket in the first place.

LORELAI

May I?

LUKE

Give it a shot.

LORELAI

Whoa!

LUKE

The football signed by Johnny Unitas gives it that bounce.

LORELAI

What if we moved the gas mask and the pith helmet down towards the feet?

LUKE

That end already has every baseball card he ever bought, thousands of them.

LORELAI

Oh, bungee cord! No. Um, what if we got some people from the office here, you know, accounting or whatever, to sit on the lid and then we could latch it? Do you have anybody you could spring. . .hm. I’m out of ideas.

LUKE

So am I. You know what, to hell with this. To hell with this!

LORELAI

Luke, now come on.

LUKE

I can’t deal with this anymore!

LORELAI

Well, it has to be dealt with.

LUKE

No, it doesn’t. It’s not as if he deserves my help or my respect.

LORELAI

The man was your uncle.

LUKE

He was a jerk!

LORELAI

Don’t say that.

LUKE

No, no, Taylor and the guys were right. I was cutting Louie slack out of respect for my dad, but the man was rotten and mean and selfish all his life. For God’s sake, he’s even selfish in death. Other people would’ve loved to have had those baseball cards. I would’ve loved to have those baseball cards. He’s got Lou Gehrig’s rookie card, Joe DiMaggio, Willie Mays, tons of others – but no! My uncle, King Tut, has to take all of them to the afterlife with him!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

Sir, your voice.

LUKE

I’m done, I’ve had it. From now on, it’s just the bare minimum and that’s it. Dig a big hole and just dump the casket in unlatched. If stuff falls out, fine. Just pile on enough dirt and make sure nothing’s showing! [leaves]

LORELAI

I’m assuming that wouldn’t be appropriate either?

FUNERAL DIRECTOR

No.

LORELAI

I didn’t think so.

CUSTOMER

Young man, where’s the young lady we’ve heard so much about who’s using those delightful old diner phrases to place people’s orders? It sounds so fun. Could you point her out for us?

JESS

No. [walks to counter] That’s everyone. I’ll be upstairs.

RORY

Thanks for doing the very least you could possibly do.

JESS

You’re welcome.

LORELAI

Luke, there you are. I was worried.

LUKE

Yeah, sorry, I should’ve called. Thanks for covering again. This’ll be the last time, I promise.

LORELAI

It’s okay. Where were you?

LUKE

Well, at first, I walked around a bunch, ya know, just trying to clear my head. Saw a lot of Hartford – and what a cesspool.

LORELAI

Well, you’re not a city man.

LUKE

Then I calmed down after awhile and I figured dumping Louie’s body in an open grave with all his stuff probably would be a little cold.

LORELAI

Just a tad.

LUKE

So I got a Yellow Pages and I found the Big and Tall Casket Shop in Hartford.

LORELAI

You’re kidding.

LUKE

Nope, I found a casket that would fit my hundred and sixty pound uncle and his hundred and forty pounds of stuff, got the lid to shut the first time we tried it, so the funeral’s on as scheduled.

LORELAI

Good.

LUKE

I still don’t know why I’m doing this.

LORELAI

You’re doing it for your dad.

LUKE

Yeah, I guess. Although he’s dead so he’d never know if I was doing it any different.

LORELAI

He knows. He’s got the big Luke picture screen on twenty four hours a day and he watches and smiles. And you’re doing it ‘cause you’re you.

LUKE

Hey, I’m gonna change real fast and you can retire from your diner career forever.

LORELAI

Oh no, it’s fun. I came up with some new diner phrases. Do you know what a Lucky Duck Cluck is?

LUKE

Not offhand.

LORELAI

It’s foie gras with chicken and green shamrock frosting.

LUKE

Why would anyone ever order that?

LORELAI

If they’re high. [sees Emily enter the diner] Ugh, good grief.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Bad vibe sandwich just came in, better retreat.

LUKE

I won’t be long. [goes upstairs]

LORELAI

Hi Mom.

EMILY

Since when do you work here?

LORELAI

I’m just lending a hand. What’s going on?

EMILY

I went by the inn to work with Sookie on her wedding.

LORELAI

Yeah?

EMILY

And she fired me.

LORELAI

I’m sure she didn’t fire you.

EMILY

She claims to have changed her mind on all the things we had planned.

LORELAI

Well, maybe she did.

EMILY

No, she didn’t. I know what’s behind this. That is, who’s behind this.

LORELAI

Mom, it was getting to be too much for her and too much for her fiancé.

EMILY

I knew it.

LORELAI

Mom, these are not wealthy people, do you understand that? They’re saving for a home and your midgets were dancing between them and their dreams.

EMILY

You say midgets like it’s so absurd.

LORELAI

Do you hear yourself?

EMILY

I don’t see what was so wrong with my just helping Sookie plan her wedding.

LORELAI

Mom, come on.

EMILY

What, come on?

LORELAI

You weren’t planning Sookie’s wedding.

EMILY

Well, then, whose wedding was I planning?

LORELAI

Mine.

EMILY

Don’t be ridiculous.

LORELAI

Mom, your vision for this wedding and all the over the top stuff and the gazillion dollar flowers and bunting and champagne fountain and the Haute Couture dress – who’s wearing that wedding dress in your mind’s eye, Mom? Is it Sookie or is it me?

EMILY

I wasn’t planning your wedding, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Right.

EMILY

The wedding I was planning was for Sookie. The mushrooms and colors, they all seemed like fun. A little crazy, just like she is. It definitely was not for you.

LORELAI

Okay Mom.

EMILY

I know that in a million years, you would never let me plan your wedding. I gave up on that dream a long time ago. Yours was going to be a Russian winter theme – the Romanovs.

LORELAI

Before the firing squad, I assume?

EMILY

Snow white roses, trees with white lights and candles, snow everywhere, you arriving in a silver sleigh with white horses.

LORELAI

Wow.

EMILY

You hate the idea.

LORELAI

No, no, I just – .

EMILY

You just hate it.

LORELAI

No, it just doesn’t seem like me.

EMILY

Yes, well, it would’ve been beautiful.

LORELAI

I’m sure it would’ve been.

EMILY

Anyhow, it’s obvious that wouldn’t even be appropriate anymore being as I’m probably standing in your reception hall.

LORELAI

Excuse me?

EMILY

Burgers and fries for the dinner? The bride walks down the aisle with a ketchup dispenser in her hand.

LORELAI

Please tell me what you’re talking about.

EMILY

I’m talking about Luke.

LORELAI

Luke? Mom!

EMILY

Well, it’s obvious, Lorelai.

LORELAI

No, it’s not, Mom.

EMILY

You’re with him constantly.

LORELAI

He feeds me.

EMILY

You bring up his name constantly.

LORELAI

Once again, he feeds me.

EMILY

The moment he calls, you run to his side.

LORELAI

He’s my friend, he needed me, I had to be there.

EMILY

Yes, I know you did.

LUKE

Hi.

EMILY

Hello. I have to go. I’ll see you for dinner tonight, Lorelai. And Luke, I’m sure I’ll see you again soon. What do you think of the Romanovs?

LUKE

They probably had it coming.

EMILY

A match made in heaven.

REVEREND

We’re here, of course, to honor Louie, to pay our respects and to bid him a sorrowful goodbye.

LORELAI

Are you okay?

LUKE

Yeah. I’m not big on funerals in general.

LORELAI

Nobody is.

REVEREND

He passed away in his sleep, so the end came peacefully for Louie, which I’m sure is a great comfort to all who knew him.

LUKE

The passing away part was a great comfort for all who knew him.

REVEREND

I didn’t know him.

LUKE

Good thing.

REVEREND

But I understand he was a fine man, destined to be missed by many.

LUKE

Especially ones that were suing him.

LORELAI

Stop. Sorry father.

REVEREND

Reverend.

LORELAI

Right.

REVEREND

Now let us witness Louie Danes as he is interred and brought to the Lord.

LORELAI

It was a nice service. Nice and, um, intimate.

LUKE

I guess everybody deserves something at the end. Thanks for coming.

LORELAI

I wouldn’t have missed it.

LUKE

That ain’t me, is it?

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

LUKE

What Taylor said about me being like Louie, a loner, never being married and stuff. I mean, I am getting crankier as I get older, he’s not so far off.

LORELAI

You are not your uncle. I mean, would Louie ever build someone a chuppah, or help fix things around someone’s house without being asked, or make a special coffee cake with balloons for a girl’s sixteenth birthday?

LUKE

Rory told you about that?

LORELAI

Yes. And would Louie have taken in his sister’s kid without hesitating and without asking for anything in return?

LUKE

No one would’ve trusted Louie with their kid. He probably would’ve forgotten to feed him or something.

LORELAI

You get my point?

LUKE

Yeah, I get it. [he hears drumming] What’s that? [he sees one of the reenactors walking onto the cemetery] Is that Andrew?

LORELAI

I believe it is.

LUKE

That’s all of them.

LUKE

Thanks.

LORELAI

It’s what your dad wanted.

LUKE

Yeah. Oh, I know Louie would’ve hated this.

LORELAI

That’s just a fringe benefit.

LORELAI

Do you think he’s in heaven?

LUKE

I hope so, just so my dad can kick his butt around the place.

LORELAI

Can you kick when you’re in heaven?

LUKE

It’s probably frowned upon.

LORELAI

Yeah, plus you’re all see-through and gauzy and your dad’s foot could go right through him.

LUKE

This is a silly conversation. What’s all this?

LORELAI

I have no idea.

LORELAI

Hi.

LUKE

What’s going on?

RORY

It’s kind of like a wake.

LUKE

A wake?

LORELAI

For Louie?

RORY

I thought you set it up

LORELAI

I didn’t set it up.

RORY

Well, it’s going well, anyway. People brought a ton of food if you’re hungry.

LORELAI

Huh.

LUKE

This is unexpected.

LORELAI

Very.

LUKE

Don’t you have wakes for people you like?

LORELAI

I think it might be for you.

LUKE

Am I dead?

LORELAI

Face it, Luke, people like you.

LUKE

Shut up.

LORELAI

And with charm like that, how can they resist?

PROPRIETOR

Hey Taylor, cool threads. Very "One if By Land."

TAYLOR

Mm hmm.

PROPRIETOR

I see you’re digging into the vegetables.

TAYLOR

Thanks for the play by play.

PROPRIETOR

Brought those myself. Hey, how was the funeral?

TAYLOR

Shouldn’t you be tending to your little stand out there, friend?

PROPRIETOR

Oh, the stand’s gone.

TAYLOR

What?

PROPRIETOR

It’s gone, I’m all packed up, I’m outta here.

TAYLOR

I don’t get it.

PROPRIETOR

I just grow all that stuff in my back yard and as of yesterday, sold it all.

TAYLOR

You sold it all?

PROPRIETOR

Sold it all, made enough money to do some traveling. Have you ever been to Israel? Turbulent, I know, but I thought I’d go down and try to plant some peace down there, know what I mean? See if it grows and see if it spreads.

TAYLOR

Shut up. Why did you put me through all that hoohah at the town meeting if your vegetable business was just temporary?

PROPRIETOR

Actually, you put yourself through it, Taylor. You put yourself through it.

RORY

Nice spread.

JESS

People have too much free time in this town.

RORY

You did a good thing.

JESS

What do you mean?

RORY

I thought my mom set this up. Turns out she didn’t.

JESS

So? Wasn’t me.

RORY

It wasn’t?

JESS

Nah, no way. It wasn’t me.

RORY

If you say so.

JESS

Look, the crazy ballet teacher called and asked when Luke was getting back from the funeral, if I could unlock the door. I came down, I unlocked the door, then went back upstairs and back to sleep.

RORY

So you did do a little something.

JESS

I unlocked the door.

RORY

So that people could come in here and put this together. Nice.

JESS

Nice for them, not for me.

RORY

You facilitated it, you made it happen, so I guess that means that you’re officially apart of our town now.

JESS

Hey, wait a minute.

RORY

Welcome.

JESS

I am not part of this town.

RORY

See you for some tree planting over at the Arbor Day Festival, buddy.

JESS

Yeah, well maybe I can knock over a liquor store while everyone else is planting those stupid trees.

RORY

As long as it’s a liquor store in town, neighbor.

SY

So, like I say, it’s Halloween, right, and we’re lucky Louie doesn’t have razor wire around his yard, you know how he is. So finally one of the neighborhood kids, he gets all courageous and he goes sauntering up to the door and he goes ‘trick or treat!’ Louie finally throws the door open, looks at him and says, ‘Did you get a Reese’s cup tonight?’ And the kid looks in his bag and he says, ‘Yes sir, I did.’ So Louie grabs it, says ‘thank you very much!,’ then slams the door in his face.

LORELAI

I’m sorry I never met him.

LUKE

He was colorful.

KIRK

I never trick or treated again.

MISS PATTY

So one day I’m at the post office, I’m in line when Louie just about knocks me over and he cuts in line. I said, ‘Louie, there’s a line!’ So he says, ‘Kiss my butt!’ and I said, ‘You mind your manners!’ and he says, ‘Please kiss my butt!’ and drops his pants!

BABETTE

Oh, I got one, I got one. Louie was parked outside Al’s Pancake World, and I was trying to pull in the space behind him, when all of a sudden, he starts to back up, so I honk my horn and he – it was just a little honk, no big deal – but he . . .