T2E18: “Back in the Saddle Again”

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

No.

LORELAI

We’re starving.

EMILY

We’re waiting for your father.

LORELAI

It’s gonna get cold.

EMILY

We are waiting for your father.

LORELAI

We’ve been waiting forever.

EMILY

We have not been waiting forever.

LORELAI

Forever. Godot was just here. He said ‘I ain’t waiting for Richard,’ grabbed a roll, and left. It’s been forever.

EMILY

When we gather as a family, we eat as a family. We don’t eat in shifts – you know that and Richard certainly knows that.

RORY

When did he get that antique car anyhow?

EMILY

A couple of horrible weeks ago.

LORELAI

What happened to the oil painting hobby of his?

EMILY

Ah, you know your father. When he couldn’t foresee rivaling Cezanne, he lost interest so he bought that car. Lorelai!

LORELAI

Mom, it’s not dinner, it’s just my private stash.

EMILY

It’s eating and we’re not eating.

LORELAI

You know, you’re bound by the rules of the Geneva Convention, Mother, just like everyone else. Hey, no one told me it was casual Friday.

RICHARD

Hello everyone. You haven’t started?

EMILY

Of course we haven’t started, we were waiting for you. I thought you were almost done.

RICHARD

Well, I was but this car has a mind of its own. As I turned to leave it began spraying some sort of green solution at me.

RORY

Yuck.

RICHARD

Yuck, indeed. Well, go on, start.

LORELAI

Ooh!

RICHARD

No sense in waiting for me.

LORELAI

Coolness!

EMILY

Stop!

LORELAI

Gomer said!

EMILY

We are waiting for you, Richard. In thirty–five years, I have never ever started a dinner without you unless you were out of town or seriously ill. Elsa, take everything away and keep it warm! Now please go upstairs and get ready so we can all enjoy a nice family dinner. . .together.

RICHARD

I’ll be right back.

LORELAI

Right back, Dad, like right back. In fact, change on the way upstairs. And make it a Navy shower – quick soap, quick rinse and no excessive posing! Hungry.

LORELAI

Hey there. Anywhere?

LUKE

Anywhere you want.

LORELAI

Could you move please?

CUSTOMER

What?

LUKE

Anywhere where there’s not people.

LORELAI

Oh, well, like I’m a mind reader. I was just joking. Hmm, that’s funny.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Something’s different here, something’s changed.

RORY

Impossible.

LORELAI

No, I swear, there’s something.

RORY

You know, I’d be very disappointed if something changed in here.

LORELAI

Why are you so anti-change?

RORY

Because most change sucks.

LORELAI

That’s true, it does. Uh! The chalkboard!

RORY

What about it?

LORELAI

Luke’s special omelet. That is brand new.

RORY

A new special? His four-slice French toast has been up there since I was born!

LORELAI

You just gotta let that go, baby.

LUKE

What can I get you?

LORELAI

You have a new special.

LUKE

I sure do.

LORELAI

Nice. What is the special omelet?

LUKE

You won’t like it.

LORELAI

How do you know?

LUKE

Because you’ve been eating here for years and I know what you like, and you won’t like it.

LORELAI

Can I at least hear what it is?

LUKE

Fine. It’s three eggs with bits of bacon.

LORELAI

I like bacon.

LUKE

Cubed tomatoes.

LORELAI

Sounds good.

LUKE

Swiss cheese and a dash of oregano.

LORELAI

A dash, he says.

LUKE

I’ve got other customers here.

LORELAI

I’m gonna go with the special omelet.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

With a side of bacon.

LUKE

There’s bacon in the omelet.

LORELAI

Oh, then skip the bacon.

LUKE

The side of bacon?

LORELAI

The bacon in the omelet.

LUKE

Hold the bacon.

LORELAI

Can I get Jack cheese?

LUKE

On the side?

LORELAI

Instead of Swiss, Swiss is so stringy.

LUKE

Fine, Jack cheese.

LORELAI

Also, I think I’m allergic to oregano so hold that, too, and some coffee.

LUKE

So, just the eggs, tomatoes, and Jack cheese.

LORELAI

Not too many tomatoes.

LUKE

Light on the tomatoes.

LORELAI

Very light, just a teeny-tiny amount, practically none.

LUKE

I’m skipping the tomatoes. It’s an omelet with Jack cheese.

LORELAI

Perfect.

LUKE

You did this on purpose.

LORELAI

Did what?

RORY

French toast for me. That was cruel.

LORELAI

I know. Look how hard he worked on that sign and everything. Look at the handwriting, it’s so precise, so determined. It’s focused-Luke.

RORY

That’s Jess’ handwriting.

LORELAI

Really? How do you know Jess’ writing?

RORY

Oh, well, I lent him a book and he wrote some stuff in it.

LORELAI

He vandalized one of your books?

RORY

No, he didn’t vandalize it. He wrote in the margins, thoughts and stuff.

LORELAI

Like what, like play basketball, eat a sandwich – stuff like that?

RORY

No, stuff, like margin stuff. People like Mark Twain wrote in margins.

LORELAI

Pilot a steamboat, write Huckleberry Finn?

RORY

Forget it.

LORELAI

No, no, I’m sure margin writing is very common. Oh, hey, you didn’t tell me Dean was joining us.

RORY

Dean?

LORELAI

Hey.

DEAN

Hi.

RORY

What are you doing here?

DEAN

I just dropped by to say hello.

RORY

How’d you know we were here?

DEAN

‘Cause you’re always here.

RORY

We’re not always here.

LORELAI

Uh, do you wanna eat with us, Dean?

DEAN

Rory?

RORY

Huh?

DEAN

Is that okay?

RORY

Yes. Oh, yes, you don’t have to ask.

LORELAI

Hey, we’re three.

LUKE

I did the math. You gonna eat something?

DEAN

Sure, yeah, I’ll take the special omelet, I guess.

LUKE

You put him up to this?

LORELAI

No, I did not!

LUKE

Sure. You don’t even know what’s in it.

DEAN

I’m not picky.

LUKE

So you’ll send it back after I make it?

DEAN

No.

LUKE

Right. I’ll come back when I’ve got time for this.

DEAN

What was that all about?

LORELAI

I think it was a little something in your attitude, mister.

RORY

So is everything in the materials clear to everyone?

CHIP

Pretty much.

LOUISE

Oh, were we reading these now?

RORY

Yeah, that’s why we’ve all been kind of quiet for the past ten minutes.

LOUISE

I thought it was, like, prayer time or something.

PARIS

Good grief.

MADELINE

I’m still reading mine.

PARIS

What?

MADELINE

I read slow so I don’t miss anything.

PARIS

It’s not the Bhagavad Gita, Madeline. It’s simple instructions for the business fair.

LOUISE

Someone’s not taking to Elba too kindly.

PARIS

What does that mean?

LOUISE

Just that Rory’s the leader of this group, Napoleon, and you’re not.

PARIS

Excuse me, leader? You wanna lead here, you’ve got anarchy.

RORY

I’m just enjoying the show.

BRAD

Hi, I think this is my group.

RORY

Brad, hey.

BRAD

Oh, you remember me.

RORY

Of course I do.

BRAD

Cool.

RORY

So you’re back at Chilton now?

BRAD

Oh, yeah. My psychiatrist convinced my parents that I should face my fears instead of running away from them and my rabbi agreed, so here I am.

RORY

Well, nice to have you back. Take a seat.

BRAD

Paris. Her name is Paris, right?

RORY

Brad, let me catch you up here. There’s going to be an intra-school business fair in three weeks. Each group has to come up with a consumer product that’s geared toward high school kids.

BRAD

Neat.

RORY

So we pick our product and we make a prototype of it, then we use our imaginary million dollar budget to mass produce, market, and distribute it, and we’ll present all of this at the fair.

BRAD

Cool.

PARIS

Hey Brad? Your festive interjections are a real kick in the pants, but we’re low on time, so can it.

RORY

That’s it. In two days we’re going to reconvene and pitch product ideas.

LOUISE

Class dismissed?

PARIS

Whoa whoa whoa, we haven’t even discussed business advisors.

RORY

Right. We’re supposed to get a parent who’s in business to advise us. Anyone score?

CHIP

My dad’s got scheduling conflicts up the wazoo.

RORY

No for Chip.

PARIS

My dad’s in Hong Kong for the month but he can video-conference in if need be.

RORY

No for Paris.

MADELINE

My dad’s traveling.

LOUISE

My dad’s in court for the next six weeks.

RORY

Lawyer?

LOUISE

Defendant.

RORY

We won’t pry.

LOUISE

I have no idea what he’s up on anyway.

RORY

And no one’s mom works?

MADELINE

Working moms are so nineties.

BRAD

My mom works. She’s a curator at the Hartford Natural Museum.

PARIS

We need experienced business advisors, Brad – not someone who poses animal carcasses.

MADELINE

What about your mom?

RORY

My mom?

PARIS

Yeah, that’s right. She runs a hotel.

RORY

It’s just an inn, a small inn.

MADELINE

It’s still a business.

CHIP

She must keep books and stuff, right?

RORY

Yeah, but they’re really small books.

PARIS

Look, it’s not perfect but it’s a better option than Brad’s mom, the buffalo stuffer.

BRAD

She doesn’t stuff the animals. That’s taxidermy.

PARIS

Who is this rabbi that encouraged you to come back here? Give me his address, I’m gonna go over there and pop him one.

RORY

Okay, hold it. Now, I don’t think my mom is right for this.

PARIS

Well, she’s all we’ve got so you need to do whatever it takes to make it happen, otherwise maybe you shouldn’t be the group leader.

LOUISE

A coup d'état, how exciting.

RORY

There’s no coup d'état. I’ll ask her.

PARIS

Good.

SOOKIE

Thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two. . .

LORELAI

Sookie, look!

SOOKIE

Thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, can’t look, I’m making meringue, thirty-seven, fine science.

LORELAI

You got a package!

SOOKIE

Thirty-nine, gotta count, forty, can’t over-whip.

LORELAI

I think it’s your wedding invitations!

SOOKIE

Whoooooo! Gimme it! Ohh, I wanna see ‘em! Oh, you’re gonna love these. They’re pearly white with this beautiful lavender stripe - . . .

LORELAI

Aw.

SOOKIE

I’m gonna choke somebody by the neck until brains ooze out of their ears.

LORELAI

What, they’re beautiful.

SOOKIE

The name, look at the name.

LORELAI

The marriage of his daughter. . .

BOTH

Susie St. James.

SOOKIE

Who is Susie St. James?

LORELAI

I think it’s you.

SOOKIE

What am I gonna do?

LORELAI

It can be changed.

SOOKIE

No, and these have to go out in a week.

LORELAI

We’re calling right now.

SOOKIE

I am so not a Susie.

MICHEL

Good morning, beautiful morning.

SOOKIE

It sucks from where I’m sitting.

MICHEL

Heartbreak. Lorelai, do you remember I have tomorrow afternoon off?

LORELAI

I remember, big plans?

MICHEL

Yes, my mother is coming to visit.

LORELAI

[on phone] Hello, yes, customer service please, thanks. [To Michel] Sorry.

MICHEL

About what?

LORELAI

You said your mother’s coming for a visit.

MICHEL

But I’m excited, I never get to see her.

LORELAI

Oh, I must be projecting. Your mother’s coming for a visit!

MICHEL

She’s coming down for three days.

LORELAI

Is she staying here?

MICHEL

No. She stays with me, of course.

LORELAI

In your tiny place?

MICHEL

Oh, she’s fine with it. I mean, we stay up all night gabbing and watching movies. We have a ball.

LORELAI

Wow, I can’t wait to meet her. [on phone] Oh, hello. Yes, we have a problem with some wedding invitations we ordered. Okay. [to Sookie] They’re transferring me.

SOOKIE

I heard that.

LORELAI

He’s really happy about his mother coming to visit.

SOOKIE

I heard that, too.

LORELAI

Totally foreign to me. [on phone] Hi. Oh great, I’m gonna pass you over to my friend who has a problem with some merchandise she ordered. Hold on one sec. [to Sookie] Listen to me, I’ve had a lot of experience dealing with people who have screwed something up. You have a better chance of getting them to help you if you don’t get all hysterical.

SOOKIE

Okay.

LORELAI

Okay.

SOOKIE

[on phone] How dare you do this to me! You’re ruining my wedding! It’s the most important day of my life! It’s my life, it’s not Susie St. James, are you listening to me?

LORELAI

Good girl.

SOOKIE

You better be listening to me! Do you – look, no, you be quiet, listen!

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

Oh, hi. Thought you couldn’t get here ‘til later.

RORY

Our Franklin meeting didn’t go as long as I thought it would.

LORELAI

Well, lucky for me, more work for you. Here, chronological order, please. So how was your day?

RORY

I got an A on my physics test.

LORELAI

Aw.

RORY

And I finished Candide and I convinced a boy that Paris would probably never attack his rabbi.

LORELAI

So uneventful, huh?

RORY

Pretty much. Mom, um, I know you’re probably not gonna wanna do this.

LORELAI

Yes, I will. . .unless it’s something that I don’t wanna do.

RORY

Do you wanna be the parent advisor on my economics project?

LORELAI

Ooh, Rory, gosh.

RORY

I’m kind of in a spot.

LORELAI

No one else can do it?

RORY

Nope.

LORELAI

You checked?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

You double checked?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

And no one else can do it so you came slumming after me and I’m your last choice?

RORY

Of course.

LORELAI

I appreciate that.

RORY

I’m totally stuck.

LORELAI

Well, if you’re stuck, I’ll do it.

RORY

Thanks.

LORELAI

But – ooh, hey, what about your grandfather, retired business titan?

RORY

What about him?

LORELAI

He’d be perfect.

RORY

But this is a business project and the word business has been kind of taboo in that house since he left the firm. Asking him might remind him of that and upset him.

LORELAI

Or he’ll be thrilled that you thought of him.

RORY

Hm, you’re not just saying that because you don’t wanna do it?

LORELAI

No, I really think he would enjoy helping you. You would be doing me a big favor ‘cause then I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about being so reluctant to help you out myself.

RORY

All right, I’ll give it a shot.

LORELAI

Good girl.

RORY

Would you really have felt guilty?

LORELAI

No, but I would’ve felt guilty about not feeling guilty and you can see how that could just go on forever.

RORY

Miss Gilmore and the vicious circle.

LORELAI

Mm hmm.

RORY

Hey Grandpa.

RICHARD

Rory, this is a surprise.

RORY

I was just in the area and I thought I’d pay a call.

RICHARD

Well, how very continental of you. I would hug you, but I have various forms of viscous fluid on my clothing.

RORY

I’ll take a rain check.

RICHARD

Very good.

RORY

How’s she running?

RICHARD

Ah, she’s a bit, oh, obstinate today.

RORY

Well, girls can get that way.

RICHARD

Mm, indeed. So you were in the neighborhood?

RORY

Yeah, and I actually have a little favor to ask you, if it’s okay.

RICHARD

Oh, ask away.

RORY

Okay. There’s this project at school and, uh, it’s for my economics class.

RICHARD

Good subject, pragmatic.

RORY

Yeah, and we have to come up with a consumer product, all make believe, and there’s sort of a contest at the end and we sort of need an advisor.

RICHARD

An advisor?

RORY

Yeah, someone who’s experienced in business who can come to a few meetings, make suggestions. I mean, I totally understand if you can’t do it, but I just thought I would ask.

RICHARD

Well, I’m not sure how much help I could be. I’ve never actually created a consumer product.

RORY

That’s okay, we kids haven’t either.

RICHARD

Yes, I suppose you haven’t.

RORY

If you can’t do it or if you don’t wanna do it, I totally understand.

RICHARD

Well, things are a little bit hectic right now.

RORY

Oh, yeah, I know.

RICHARD

And it is short notice, after all.

RORY

Very short, very short. Um, you know what, forget I even asked.

EMILY

Rory, I didn’t know you were here!

RORY

Hi Grandma.

EMILY

You didn’t hug your grandfather, did you?

RORY

I took a rain check. Well, I better go.

EMILY

But you just got here. We have cookies, would you like cookies?

RORY

No, thank you. Mom’s expecting me at the inn. And Grandpa, really, don’t worry about it. I just thought I would ask.

RICHARD

I’m fine, Rory. Thank you for asking.

RORY

Bye. [leaves]

EMILY

Ask what, what did she ask?

RICHARD

Oh, something for her economics class. It’s nothing really.

EMILY

That doesn’t sound like nothing. What about her economics class? Is she having trouble?

RICHARD

No, Emily. She merely asked me to participate in some, uh, project at school and I respectfully declined.

EMILY

You declined?

RICHARD

Leave it, Emily.

EMILY

Why did you decline?

RICHARD

Let’s talk about it later, Emily. I’m busy.

EMILY

Busy? You’ve been poking around that stupid engine for the last three weeks and all it does is spray at you. You’re not too busy.

RICHARD

Emily, I am in the middle of something here and I don’t expect you to understand it.

EMILY

You’re not going to help her?

RICHARD

Can we talk about this later?

EMILY

Well, I never thought I’d see the day.

RICHARD

What day?

EMILY

The day Richard Gilmore would disappoint his granddaughter like this.

RICHARD

Oh, Emily, please.

EMILY

So, tell me Richard, is this how it’s going to be from now on?

RICHARD

What are you talking about?

EMILY

I just want to know what to expect from you. Because the bouncing from one thing to another, the moping and silence in your den for days, all of that I accepted. . .but your turning your back on Rory!

RICHARD

I did not turn my back on her.

EMILY

You adore that little girl, she means everything to you, remember?

RICHARD

Emily!

EMILY

Are you that lost? I’m incredibly disappointed in you Richard!

LANE

Sales!

RORY

Lane.

LANE

Sales!

RORY

It's just a stupid test.

LANE

Lane Kim, you have shown a genuine aptitude for sales.

RORY

It doesn't mean anything.

LANE

Hello ma'am, I see you're eyeing the Whip-o-Matic, nice choice! This baby's right off the truck, and let me tell you, if you're looking for something to fulfill all your whipping needs, you've come to the right place because as Devo says – if a problem comes along you must whip it, as long as you whip it with a Whip-o-Matic!

RORY

Wow, you are good.

LANE

Stop it.

RORY

I'll take two.

LANE

I don’t wanna be in sales!

RORY

You don’t have to be.

LANE

I wanna do something cool.

RORY

Sell refrigerators.

LANE

You are not funny.

RORY

Look, you are taking this aptitude test way too seriously.

LANE

It’s the fourth time I’ve taken it and it’s the fourth time it’s come up sales.

RORY

Lane, in ten years, we will be having lunch in Paris and we will not be discussing whether or not you made your quota.

LANE

Right, so I’m gonna be a sucky salesman?

RORY

Changing subject now.

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

Oh, hey.

DEAN

How are ya, Lane?

LANE

Only as good as my last sale, Dean.

RORY

Ignore her, she’s lost her mind.

DEAN

Got it. So, uh, what are you doing?

RORY

We’re going over to Sissy’s to buy some shoes.

LANE

And pick up a job application.

RORY

You will now face the wall quietly please.

DEAN

Well, after you’re done shoe shopping, come by my softball game.

RORY

Oh, well – .

DEAN

You haven’t been to a game in awhile.

RORY

I know, but – .

DEAN

You said you missed seeing them.

RORY

I do, but I thought we were getting together tonight.

DEAN

We are.

RORY

Well, then I should really get my philosophy homework out of the way.

DEAN

Do it at the game.

RORY

My homework?

DEAN

Yeah.

RORY

But if I’m doing my homework, doesn’t that defeat the point of going to see you play?

DEAN

You can’t glance up in between nihilistic theories?

RORY

I can, but what’s the point?

DEAN

What?

RORY

Why don’t I do my homework at home and I will go see you play next week.

DEAN

Well, I – .

RORY

I promise I’ll be there.

DEAN

Okay, sure.

RORY

Great, so, tonight?

DEAN

Yeah, I’ll be by at seven.

RORY

Okay. So, have a good game. Do that pointing to the outfield thing, that’s always very popular.

DEAN

I will. Bye Lane.

LANE

Come again soon.

MICHEL

Here and here.

LORELAI

What – .

MICHEL

Cleaning supply order. Here.

LORELAI

That’s the – .

MICHEL

Staff insurance forms. Initial here, date it here.

LORELAI

And I just – .

MICHEL

You just okayed the vaccination of all those filthy ducks in the south pond.

LORELAI

Oh, aren’t I nice.

MICHEL

Yes, a regular Dr. Dolittle.

GISELLE

Uh! Michel!

MICHEL

Zeelee!

GISELLE

Ah! Mon dieu, you are gorgeous! Come, come! Embrassez maman!

MICHEL

Maman, j’aime ton visite. What are you doing here? I was going to pick you up at the airport, you wicked creature.

GISELLE

I had to come early. I wanted to buy presents before I see you since I know you are a materialistic vulture. All right, back up. Turn turn turn. Thank God I have the perfect son. If you had been ugly, I don’t know what I would’ve done.

MICHEL

Boarding school?

GISELLE

In Switzerland.

MICHEL

Come. Lorelai, this is my mother, Giselle.

LORELAI

Well, it’s very nice to meet you.

GISELLE

Oh my God, those eyes. Are they real?

LORELAI

Yes, they are.

GISELLE

Well, then, if there’s a God, he is terribly cruel to bestow those eyes and that face to one person.

LORELAI

I’m sorry, can you be my mom, too?

MICHEL

I’m going to show her around, okay?

LORELAI

Yeah, make sure you see Sookie.

MICHEL

Why?

LORELAI

Sookie wants to meet your mom.

GISELLE

Yes, Michel, I must meet your friends. I did not raise you to be rude.

MICHEL

You did, too.

GISELLE

I did, didn’t I? Come, show me off.

MICHEL

Oh, have you been using those free weights I sent you?

GISELLE

Yes, they hold down my papers beautifully.

MICHEL

A lazy, silly woman.

GISELLE

A cruel and vicious boy, I’m so proud.

RORY

I really appreciate you doing this, Grandpa.

RICHARD

Oh, well, of course.

RORY

I mean, I know you weren’t really thrilled with the idea.

RICHARD

No, no, no, no, that’s not true.

RORY

But I told everybody to have their idea pitches prepared so that we can get you in and out of there as quickly as possible.

RICHARD

Rory, this is an assignment. We will give it the time that it requires.

RORY

Okay.

RICHARD

However, efficient is always best.

RORY

I totally understand.

RORY

Hey. Everyone, this is my grandfather, Richard Gilmore. This is Louise, Madeline, Paris, Brad, and Chip.

RICHARD

Nice to meet you all.

RORY

So, do you wanna say a few words before we start?

RICHARD

Uh, oh, no no no, I’m here to advise. I’ll uh. . .I’ll sit back here and observe and advise, uh, if necessary.

RORY

Okay. So I guess we can start with the idea pitches. Who wants to go first?

LOUISE

I will.

RORY

Okay, Louise has the floor.

LOUISE

I couldn’t find my new lip gloss this morning. I had just bought it and it’s the perfect shade of pink. Plus, it has this major shine with minor stickiness, meaning no fear of your hair attaching itself to your face when the wind kicks up.

MADELINE

A coup.

LOUISE

I know. So, of course, fifteen minutes later, tardy and glossless, I left the house and I had to rely on Madeline for my source of lip color for the day. Not an ideal solution.

MADELINE

Major skin tone mismatch.

PARIS

I’m sorry, group leader, could you ask the Pigeon sisters if there is a point to this opus?

RORY

Louise, what’s your idea?

LOUISE

A lipstick Lo-Jack.

RORY

Excuse me?

LOUISE

A lipstick tracking device. You attach it to a tube and you hook it up to a remote and next time you’re searching, you just point and shoot.

MADELINE

I’d buy one.

RORY

Okay, um, Louise, that’s a very interesting idea, but I think we should think of something that appeals to both boys and girls. Anyone else?

MADELINE

Okay, I’ve got one – a locker robot. It would talk and tell you facts, help you with your homework, carry your stuff. And you could fit it in your locker until you’re ready to go home.

RORY

Okay, but that means that we would actually have to build a robot.

MADELINE

Yes, we would.

RORY

Who knows how to do that?

MADELINE

I don’t know. He looks like he should know.

BRAD

I’ve never built a robot.

LOUISE

But you’ve tried, haven’t you?

BRAD

Yes, I have.

RORY

Okay, let’s just try to keep the ideas down to things that we can actually accomplish. And I guess Paris is next.

PARIS

The average teenager spends seven hours a day at school. Seven hours where he or she is busy walking from class to class – indoors, outdoors, in all types of weather. At the same time, that same teenager is going through major physical changes within his or her own body. The combo of the action with the environment in addition to the hormonal imbalance can only lead to one thing – accidents.

MADELINE

What are you talking about?

PARIS

Monday morning, Muffin wakes up and looks in the mirror. ‘Oh no, I have a zit on my face. I’ll just look down when I walk so hunky football player won’t notice.’ And bam – Muffin smacks right into the cafeteria wall. Ouch, that’s gotta hurt.

MADELINE

Who’s Muffin?

PARIS

This is why I’m proposing manufacturing something that no teenager should be without – a first aid kit.

LOUISE

A first aid kit?

PARIS

Specially designed to fit in a locker with minimum space disruption. Bandaids, antiseptic, cotton balls, q-tips, ace bandages, aspirin.

RORY

I don’t know, it’s possible. Does anyone have any questions about it?

RICHARD

They sell these things in every drug store, do they not?

PARIS

Yes, they do.

RICHARD

There’s also a registered nurse on every campus. Her office would contain the products that you’re talking about, correct?

PARIS

Possibly.

RICHARD

Well, what makes you think you can get a young person to spend good money on something that they could get for free, or at least at a lower cost?

PARIS

Because I know one thing about the modern teenager.

RICHARD

And what is that?

PARIS

That you can get them to buy anything as long as it comes in a leopard print.

LOUISE

True.

MADELINE

Very true.

PARIS

We get them with style. We dress up the kits with sparkles, colors, pictures of bands. Sport themes for the boys, animal pictures for the puppy and unicorn bunch, chess boards for the Bobby Fischer freaks – a style for every taste. Plus, we use neon bandaids, pink or blue gauze for the bandages, anything that seems young or flashy or bright.

RICHARD

And that is how you intend to set the business world on its ear?

PARIS

That’s right.

RICHARD

Tricked out first aid kits?

PARIS

For the locker.

RICHARD

And you really think that’s going to work?

PARIS

Yes, I do.

RICHARD

So do I.

PARIS

Really?

RICHARD

It’s perfect. It’s simple, it’s easy to produce, the possibilities are endless. I love it.

RORY

Well, I think we’ve got our product.

RICHARD

Now, we need to go through this point by point.

PARIS

Okay, let’s do it.

RICHARD

Now, the secret to a great campaign is a great idea. Now, we’ve got that, let’s move on to finances. Um, uh, do any of you have dinner plans, because we’re gonna be here for awhile. Let’s all turn to page four. Here we go. Now, the January projections. . .

LORELAI

Agh!

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

Gah!

RORY

Mom! [answers phone] Hello? [hangs up] That ringing is not in your head, you know.

LORELAI

Uh, you’ve gotta read this Motley Crue book. I swear, you get to the point where Ozzy Osbourne snorts a row of ants and you think, it cannot get any grosser, and then you turn the page and oh, hello, yes it can! It’s excellent!

RORY

Why didn’t you answer the phone?

LORELAI

Because I firmly believe that once you’ve experienced something five thousand times, you need to move on.

RORY

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

I knew who it was.

RORY

Who was it?

LORELAI

The same person who’s called the machine so many times now that I actually heard it sigh.

RORY

Dean?

LORELAI

Dean the determined.

RORY

Oh man.

LORELAI

Five bucks says I know who that is.

RORY

[answers phone] Hello?

RICHARD

Rory, it’s your grandfather.

RORY

Oh, hey Grandpa.

LORELAI

He did that on purpose.

RICHARD

I’d like to discuss tomorrow’s meeting.

RORY

Okay.

RICHARD

I was thinking that we should relocate.

RORY

Midtown?

RICHARD

Here.

RORY

Your house?

RICHARD

It’ll be more comfortable with infinitely better snacks.

RORY

Yeah, that sounds great.

RICHARD

Wonderful. I’ll call the group.

RORY

Okay, well, then I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.

RICHARD

Tomorrow.

RORY

Bye. [hangs up]

LORELAI

What’d he want?

RORY

He wanted to move the location of our meeting to his house tomorrow and to cost you five bucks.

LORELAI

So that’s going well, huh, Grandpa doing that thing with you at school?

RORY

Yeah, I think he’s having fun with it.

LORELAI

See? Did your brilliant mother call it or what?

RORY

Yes, she did.

LORELAI

You’re damn lucky to have that magnificent woman in your life, you know that, don’t you?

RORY

It’s whispered in my ear every night when I’m about to go to sleep.

LORELAI

Well, you won’t let me write it in your underwear anymore. Hey, check the machine so I can erase the messages.

RORY

Oh, right.

LORELAI

Agh!

DEAN

[on answering machine] Hey, it’s me. Uh, it’s four o’clock, call me when you got home. [beep] Hey, uh, it’s four thirty. I’m home, call me. [beep] It’s quarter to five – where are you? I’ll try paging you. [beep] It’s five-thirty. Did you get my page? Call with the answer.

RORY

They are not all from him.

DEAN

[on answering machine] Hey, I totally forgot you were getting home at six.

LORELAI

And yet, oddly, even after remembering that information. . .

DEAN

[on answering machine] Hey, it’s five forty-five and I just thought I’d see if you got home early.

LORELAI

I swear, that boy would make a good drinking game.

RORY

This is crazy. Ten messages?

LORELAI

Plus the four that I took from him personally before I stopped answering the phone.

RORY

Right.

LORELAI

Honey, you gotta ease up on that love potion you’ve been giving him or he’s gonna start showing up at David Letterman’s house soon.

RORY

Ugh.

LORELAI

What’s the matter?

RORY

Fourteen messages.

LORELAI

Yeah, so, it’s a little – .

RORY

It’s a little too much.

LORELAI

So, what’s up? Are you guys fighting or something?

RORY

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

I mean, did something happen to set off the phone craze?

RORY

No, everything’s been fine, everything’s been calm. No more incidents, I don’t get it.

LORELAI

Well, if I had to guess, I would say he’s feeling a little insecure about something.

RORY

But why?

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

But I spend every free moment with him, I call him, I page him.

LORELAI

I know, you’ve been good.

RORY

And nothing seems to be enough, nothing seems to make things normal again.

LORELAI

Give it some time.

RORY

I just want things to be the way they were.

LORELAI

Oh, honey, relationships are hard. Sometimes you go through a weird patch and things get funky for a little while, but just give it a chance. Ride it out, things will calm down again.

RORY

I hope so. I’m gonna erase the messages.

GISELLE

Oh, stop it, stop making me laugh! You are trying to kill me! You are trying to make your mother laugh herself to death so you can get away with a grisly crime.

MICHEL

Your mind is evil.

GISELLE

Your soul is empty.

MICHEL

You want some coffee, Zeelee?

GISELLE

Yes, darling, thank you.

MICHEL

I’ll be right back.

GISELLE

Ah, hello, blue eyes.

LORELAI

Hi Giselle. How was lunch?

GISELLE

Ah, champagne, caviar, the usual.

LORELAI

Ah, sure.

GISELLE

And then came out the pasta with terrible things in it. It was perfect.

LORELAI

You seem to be having a wonderful time.

GISELLE

I am. I will miss him so much when I go home, but thank goodness, he will have an extra five pounds to remember me by after eating all my pasta today, that dirty thieving boy.

LORELAI

Michel ate pasta?

GISELLE

Well, yes. Michel loves pasta, he eats it all the time.

LORELAI

Not around us. Here it’s all no-carb, low-cal, let me see if I can eat less than the lab rats do.

GISELLE

Lab rats?

LORELAI

Better not explained. Anyway, I’m glad you’ve got him eating pasta, he seems really happy.

MICHEL

Coffee, coffee, coffee.

GISELLE

Oh, mm, mm. This is horrible.

MICHEL

You will drink it and you will like it.

GISELLE

You are a curse.

MICHEL

Let’s go shop.

GISELLE

Oh yes, let’s go buy something completely useless and pay way too much money for it.

MICHEL

I love it.

GISELLE

Au revoir.

MICHEL

Au revoir.

LORELAI

That is so wrong.

RORY

We should’ve waited for Paris.

LOUISE

Hey, she’s the one who threw a fit about leaving no later than 3:10.

RORY

But she could be standing outside the school right now waiting for us.

MADELINE

She has my cell number.

LOUISE

I thought you lost your phone.

MADELINE

I did. Oh.

RORY

We’ll call her when we get inside. [rings doorbell]

BRAD

Tell her I wanted to wait, okay?

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

Hey, you’re right on time. Come on in.

RORY

Uh, okay.

RICHARD

In the dining room, everyone.

RORY

Wow.

RICHARD

Welcome, everyone, to the first official board meeting of the StyleAid Corporation. Will everyone please take a seat?

CHIP

I feel like Ivan Bosky.

RICHARD

Rory, you are group leader which translates into chairman of the board, which means you sit at the head of the table.

RORY

But that’s where you sit.

RICHARD

No, not today. Come on. Now, at this point, I would like to turn the meeting over to Paris who will bring us up to date on our latest developments.

PARIS

Thank you, Richard. First, let me say that I’m glad to see you all here today, at the beginning of what I think is going to be a very exciting experiment.

BRAD

She doesn’t have a baseball bat in her hands, does she?

PARIS

Now, I’d like everyone to turn to page one in your presentation booklets. Hey, we haven’t gotten to the pencil part yet.

BRAD

Oh, sorry.

PARIS

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the RX-2002.

LOUISE

Nice.

RORY

Very nice.

PARIS

Now, listed in front of you are all the contents contained in the RX-2002, plus the additional style options, twelve in all. Every one of them waterproof, fireproof, and comes with a five-year warranty.

RICHARD

Which is longer than most of your high school careers.

PARIS

He is funny.

RICHARD

Now there is also a deluxe model with extra features designed to personalize your kit even more specifically for your needs. There will be a snap-in CD case which can hold up to ten CDs, there’s a lighted vanity mirror, and a divided compartment for makeup and knickknacks. A picture frame and a hidden mini vault for valuables which can be locked for safety.

PARIS

Terrific idea, Richard, really – top notch.

RICHARD

Thank you, Paris.

RORY

This is really amazing. I want one of these.

RICHARD

Exactly the point. Now, let’s check in with our marketing department. Uh, Madeline, Louise – what have you got for us?

MADELINE

Okay, well, first we go for the obvious – magazines.

LOUISE

You know, Teen, Young Miss, Seventeen.

MADELINE

Spin and Rolling Stone, especially to hit the guys.

RICHARD

I hear that Jane magazine also has a young, hip following.

RORY

How do you know about Jane magazine?

RICHARD

I have my ways, young lady.

CHIP

We should also check about placing them in certain mall stores.

RICHARD

I also think we should go straight to the source.

PARIS

The schools?

RICHARD

Why not? School bulletin boards, websites. We can set up tables at football games and pep rallies.

EMILY

Well, how is everyone doing here?

RICHARD

Just fine, Emily.

EMILY

Good. Is there enough food?

RICHARD

Yes, there is plenty of food.

EMILY

What about ice cream? Would anyone like some ice cream?

RICHARD

Emily, we’re in the middle of a business meeting.

EMILY

Oh, ah, well, I’m very sorry. Uh, go back to your business meeting.

RICHARD

Now, I think your projections for. . .

EMILY

[to Rory] He’s smiling.

RORY

I know.

EMILY

He’s smiling and there’s no oil on the carpet.

RORY

Life is good.

EMILY

Yes, it is.

RICHARD

Emily, please.

EMILY

I’m going, I’m going.

PARIS

Richard, do you have the third-year projections?

RICHARD

Well, yes, Paris, I do. I have them right here.

LORELAI

Dean.

DEAN

Hey.

LORELAI

Hey, how’s it going?

DEAN

Uh, just washing Rory’s car.

LORELAI

I can see that.

DEAN

Well, I mean, I came by to see her and she wasn’t here, so I was just gonna wait on the porch but then I noticed that her car looked dirty, so I thought I’d wash it.

LORELAI

Mm hmm.

DEAN

Well, ‘cause sometimes things can get on your car like dirt and certain kinds of sap. It can get into your paint, makes it really hard to get off.

LORELAI

Sure.

DEAN

Even water spots, you know. . .after it rains, that can be a real problem.

LORELAI

Okay. Would you like a soda?

DEAN

No, I’m fine.

LORELAI

Let’s go get a soda.

DEAN

But I have to wash – .

LORELAI

Put the squirty water thing down and come on in the kitchen. Squirty thing down. . . that’s it. . .come on.

DEAN

Look, I really didn’t mean to bother you. I can just wait outside until Rory gets home.

LORELAI

Honey, Rory’s working on her school project today.

DEAN

Oh yeah. I guess I forgot. I mean, she must’ve told me that she . . . I’m sorry, I forgot.

LORELAI

That’s okay.

DEAN

So, I’ll just go.

LORELAI

No no, come here, just sit down for a sec, okay? Are you all right?

DEAN

Yeah, I’m fine. I just don’t remember Rory telling me about her studying today. I swear I wouldn’t have come over.

LORELAI

Can I maybe give you a little advice?

DEAN

Sure.

LORELAI

Okay. First, I just wanna tell you I think you are a great guy. You’re so good to Rory. And even though I’d always hoped that she’d be the one girl in the world who wouldn’t look at a boy until she was thirty-eight, I’m really glad she found you.

DEAN

Thanks.

LORELAI

And I know things have been a little off between you two lately.

DEAN

Did she say that?

LORELAI

No, I’m saying that. I can see it, and by the way, I get it. But sometimes when things are out of whack, it freaks us out a little and makes us feel like we’re losing something that’s really important and that scares us even more so we try really hard to hold onto whatever it is we think we’re losing and sometimes we hold on a little too hard.

DEAN

Too hard?

LORELAI

Like calling ten times in a three hour period, too hard.

DEAN

Fourteen times.

LORELAI

Okay, now, see, I was gonna let you slide but hey – an honest man, I like that.

DEAN

You think I’m holding on too hard to Rory?

LORELAI

I don’t think you mean to.

DEAN

You think I’m losing her?

LORELAI

I think you think you are.

DEAN

Well, I just feel like nothing I do is. . . you know, I just want things back the way they used to be.

LORELAI

I know you do, and they can be.

DEAN

How?

LORELAI

I know it sounds crazy but sometimes giving people a little bit of space is actually the best thing to do.

DEAN

Space?

LORELAI

Just a little.

DEAN

Like what? Like don’t call her, don’t see her?

LORELAI

No, just let her breathe, let her relax, let her come to you for a change.

DEAN

You’re not telling me this to get rid of me, are you?

LORELAI

Please, if I was trying to get rid of you I would’ve started this conversation with, ‘Let me tell you about my family’. I’m not telling you this to get rid of you, I’m telling you because I think it might help things between you guys. Just try it. If it doesn’t work, I promise you can wash my car, too.

DEAN

Okay.

LORELAI

Do you want a soda?

DEAN

No, thanks. I’m gonna go. Uh, don’t tell Rory I was here, okay?

LORELAI

Hey, I’m just sitting here at the table talking to myself. . .again.

DEAN

Thanks.

LORELAI

Bye Dean.

SOOKIE

You know what, forget it! If that’s how you run your business, then I deserve this for picking you in the first place. I hate you! [hangs up]

LORELAI

Hey.

SOOKIE

Okay, new plan for the invites. We’re getting married May fifteenth, four o’clock, front lawn – pass it on.

LORELAI

Sookie.

SOOKIE

That’s it, word of mouth. They used it for the Revolutionary War – who the hell am I to poopoo history, huh? I ask you.

MICHEL

What the hell is wrong with you?

LORELAI

With me?

MICHEL

Yes, you! Are you out of your mind?

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

MICHEL

Why in God’s name would you tell my mother that I do not eat carbs?

LORELAI

Because you don’t.

MICHEL

That is private information, private about me.

LORELAI

Michel, everybody in Stars Hollow knows you don’t eat carbs.

MICHEL

So what?

LORELAI

Calm down, have some toast.

MICHEL

Do not talk to my mother ever again, do you understand me?

LORELAI

No, I don’t understand. Michel, you and your mother seem crazy about each other. I just assumed since you gave up carbs a year ago, she knew.

MICHEL

Yes, well, you know what happens when you assume.

LORELAI

What?

MICHEL

I don’t know. Something about a donkey – it’s a stupid American phrase.

LORELAI

I don’t understand, Michel. You and your mother seem to have the perfect relationship.

MICHEL

Yes, because I tell her nothing. We keep all subjects light and fluffy. We talk about clothes and food and Posh Spice and David Beckham and that is all. Nothing of value, nothing of substance.

LORELAI

I’m sorry.

MICHEL

Now she knows I’ve been hiding something from her. Suddenly she’s asking questions. Why did I leave France at eighteen? Where do I go at night? Who are my friends? What do they do? Where do they live? Why have I chosen this career? On and on and on and on – it never ends! I can’t stand it, she’s a complete pain. She won’t stop. I took a six hour bath last night just to escape the incessant nagging. You did this to me! You turned my Giselle into a mother, and I hate you for it! I hate you very, very much! [leaves]

SOOKIE

So, feel better now?

LORELAI

Yeah, I do, thanks.

SOOKIE

Mm hmm.

PARIS

Okay, I swept the room and I have to tell you, all sad. I think we’re a lock.

RORY

Really? I actually thought the locker alarm was pretty good.

PARIS

Please, no one even looks when a car alarm goes off. How effective do you think a locker alarm‘s going to be? Nope, I feel it, we are it. What’s the word?

RICHARD

Every single idea in this room is completely worthless.

PARIS

Yes.

RICHARD

There’s a lot of wasted cardboard in here, my friend.

PARIS

We are going to win.

RICHARD

Yes, we are.

RORY

Okay, the two of you need to take a time out.

HEADMASTER

Richard? Richard, hello.

RICHARD

Hanlin, good to see you.

HEADMASTER

What are you doing here?

RICHARD

Well, I’m actually advising Rory on her business project – the RX-2002.

HEADMASTER

Oh, well, that’s wonderful. You look great.

RICHARD

I feel great.

HEADMASTER

We don’t see you at the club that much anymore.

RICHARD

No, I’ve been very busy lately.

HEADMASTER

Now, did I hear correctly – did you retire?

RICHARD

Right before Christmas.

HEADMASTER

So it’s true. I told it to Bitty and I couldn’t believe it when we heard that.

RICHARD

Well, a man can’t work forever.

HEADMASTER

No, that’s true. I just can’t picture you retired.

RICHARD

It’s been wonderful lately. Best move I’ve ever made. It’s given me a lot of time to do a lot of wonderful things.

HEADMASTER

Well, that does sound nice. What kinds of things are you doing?

RICHARD

Well, this.

HEADMASTER

Well, there you go. Unfortunately, some of us aren’t living the good life quite yet. I’ve got to get back. It’s been wonderful seeing you, Richard. Let’s have dinner soon.

RICHARD

I would like that very much.

HEADMASTER

I’ll have Bitty give Em a call.

RICHARD

You do that.

PARIS

Did you see the brilliant hose hook idea over at table five? A hook on your belt for your garden hose. There’s a Buster Keaton routine waiting to happen.

RICHARD

So how are we doing?

RORY

Paris is practicing spiking the football then doing a backflip.

RICHARD

Well.

HEADMASTER

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, all the projects have now been reviewed.

PARIS

Here we go.

HEADMASTER

And before we announce the winner, I must commend everyone for their fine work. There are many, many good ideas here today. It makes me proud.

PARIS

Move it along, padre.

HEADMASTER

Now I’d like to announce the winner – table 10, Miss Traster’s class with the locker alarm.

RICHARD

I don’t understand, how is that possible?

PARIS

This is so lame. That alarm doesn’t even work, I was just over there.

RICHARD

This is the most ludicrous thing I’ve ever heard.

RORY

Grandpa, it doesn’t matter.

RICHARD

It certainly does matter. You’ve all put in an extraordinary amount of time and effort and thought into this project. It deserved to win.

PARIS

Yeah.

RORY

Well, I wanted to win too, but we didn’t.

RICHARD

I’m going to talk to the headmaster about this.

RORY

I wish you wouldn’t.

RICHARD

You were robbed, Rory, and I’m not going to sit back and simply watch it happen. [walks over to headmaster] Hanlin, good, I want a word with you.

HEADMASTER

Is something wrong?

RICHARD

This contest is a disgrace.

HEADMASTER

I beg your pardon?

RICHARD

I have been in the business world for thirty-five years.

HEADMASTER

I know this.

RICHARD

And in those thirty-five years, I’ve seen ideas come and I’ve seen ideas go, and I’ve learned a few things about what flies and what doesn’t.

HEADMASTER

I’m sure you have.

RICHARD

I am telling you that out there in the real world, there is no way that a locker alarm that doesn’t even work properly would be a viable business investment.

HEADMASTER

Richard, we’re not in the real world, we are in a school.

RICHARD

Yes, a school that should be training children for the real world.

HEADMASTER

Richard, calm down.

RICHARD

I demand a recount.

HEADMASTER

Very well. I just recounted, the alarm still wins.

RICHARD

Hanlin!

HEADMASTER

Richard, your project was very good. It was definitely in the running. You should be proud.

RICHARD

This is not my project, this is their project, the children’s project.

HEADMASTER

Really?

RICHARD

Yes! This has nothing to do with me, it’s for the children!

HEADMASTER

But they’re not the ones who are causing the public scene right now, you are.

RORY

It was awful. He looked so upset. His face was turning red and he was practically shaking.

LORELAI

Hey, did you notice when he gets mad he gets taller?

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

I don’t know how he does it but he actually grows.

RORY

Stop.

LORELAI

The day I told him I was pregnant, twenty-four feet tall. It freaked the birds.

RORY

Hey, I’m upset here.

LORELAI

Honey, you did nothing. You went to your grandfather, who you greatly admire and actually like hanging out with, to ask for his help and advice. That’s lovely and thoughtful.

RORY

Please help me out tonight – no mention of work or Chilton or school or retirement.

LORELAI

Nothing but politics and religion, got it.

EMILY

[opens door] Hello girls.

LORELAI

Hi Mom.

RORY

Hi Grandma.

EMILY

Come in, come in. Dinner’s almost ready. Richard, the girls are here. Richard? He came home today, didn’t say a word, stomped off to his study, slammed the door, and he’s been holed up in there ever since.

RORY

Really?

EMILY

I can’t even get him to answer me.

LORELAI

Well, are you sure he’s still in there?

EMILY

Of course he’s still in there. The door’s right there. I would’ve seen if he came out.

LORELAI

Sorry.

EMILY

Not everyone leaves this house by climbing out the window and jumping into a waiting hot rod.

RORY

Maybe someone should go talk to him.

EMILY

I don’t know what to do. What on earth happened today?

RORY

Things didn’t go very well at the business fair.

EMILY

What happened?

LORELAI

It was terrible – the tenth graders staged a hostile takeover of the eleventh graders.

RORY

Our project didn’t win and Grandpa took it badly.

EMILY

Well, I am at my wit’s end if that man is going to fall apart over a high school project.

LORELAI

It’s just a weird time for him, Mom.

RORY

I feel so awful.

LORELAI

Maybe he should go talk to somebody.

EMILY

Like whom?

LORELAI

Like a psychiatrist?

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Well, maybe it would help.

EMILY

We do not go to psychiatrists.

LORELAI

Mom, there’s nothing wrong with getting help.

EMILY

Lorelai Gilmore, are you seriously suggesting that your father go to a complete stranger and talk about his personal life?

LORELAI

Lots of people swear by it.

EMILY

Yes, disturbed people, deviants, people with multiple personalities who see things and hear talking to them and roam the streets talking to themselves and licking parking meters.

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

Next thing you know, you’ll be suggesting I go to a psychiatrist.

LORELAI

Too many comebacks – I cannot pick.

EMILY

Richard, is that you?

RICHARD

Of course it’s me. Oh Rory, you’re here, wonderful. Hello Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hey.

RICHARD

Well, I am starving. What’s for dinner?

EMILY

What’s for dinner? What do you mean, what’s for dinner?

RICHARD

Well, I thought the question was relatively clear, but I’d be glad to rephrase it for you. Eh, what sort of food products will appear on various plates this evening?

EMILY

Richard Gilmore, you come home in a huff and you lock yourself in that study all afternoon. . .

RICHARD

Well, I had a lot of thinking to do, a lot of thinking. I owe that to you young lady.

RORY

I’m sorry.

RICHARD

You should certainly not be sorry.

EMILY

Richard, what – put that roll down and explain yourself!

RICHARD

This whole week, this whole experience with Rory and the locker first aid kit – that is a damn good idea, by the way, no matter what those yarnheads at that school of yours say. Anyway, this whole week made me realize something – I don’t want to be retired.

EMILY

You what?

RICHARD

I don’t like it. I hate it, as a matter of fact.

LORELAI

But Dad – .

RICHARD

It’s boring. I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself. And frankly, I am tired of trying to find something to fill up my time.

RORY

So what are you going to do?

RICHARD

I am going to work.

EMILY

Are you thinking about asking for your job back?

RICHARD

Oh, God no! No no no no no no. I have decided to go into business for myself.

LORELAI

Wow.

EMILY

What?

RORY

Cool.

RICHARD

It is cool, isn’t it?

EMILY

But what are you going to do?

RICHARD

Well, I’m not sure yet. Perhaps I’ll consult, maybe take on a partner, maybe I’ll even teach.

LORELAI

What?

RICHARD

Well, you don’t have to say it like that.

LORELAI

Sorry. What?

RICHARD

I think thirty five years of experience will qualify me to teach a course or two at that local business college of yours.

LORELAI

Oh my God. It’s Who’s the Boss, the later years.

EMILY

Richard, are you serious about this?

RICHARD

As a heart attack.

EMILY

But, but – .

RICHARD

I haven’t felt this good in a very long time, Emily. I have the buzz, and I owe it all to you.

RORY

Glad to be of service.

EMILY

He’s going to teach.

LORELAI

Or consult.

EMILY

Or consult.

LORELAI

So licking a parking meter is just around the corner.

LORELAI

Okay, that dinner was good.

RORY

All of Grandma’s dinners are good.

LORELAI

I know, but this one had the rolls.

RORY

Aw, those were excellent rolls.

LORELAI

Weren’t they? Hot and buttery with that split top thing going on. I miss the rolls.

RORY

Well, she can make more next week.

LORELAI

That’s okay. I got four in my purse.

RORY

You do not.

LORELAI

Go ahead and check.

RORY

Have you no shame?

LORELAI

Ha!

LORELAI

Ah, who’s that?

RORY

It’s Dean.

LORELAI

Really? How many pages does that make for today?

RORY

Just one.

LORELAI

You’re kidding.

RORY

In two days.

LORELAI

Wow!

RORY

I know. He hasn’t called or mysteriously appeared by my side or anything.

LORELAI

Hmm, maybe he’s calming down.

RORY

I hope so. I actually got a chance to miss him today.

LORELAI

That sounds good.

RORY

It is good.

LORELAI

Do you wanna grab my cell phone and give him a call?

RORY

Oh, no, tomorrow’s fine.

LORELAI

Are you sure? It’s still early. You guys could hook up for a little while.

RORY

I’m hanging out with Lane tonight.

LORELAI

Lane?

RORY

Yeah, we have some serious CD listening to do. We’re way behind on all the Elvis Costello reissues coming out.

LORELAI

I didn’t think Lane could hang out past nine.

RORY

Her mom’s at an antique fair in Woodbury until Sunday, and her grandmother’s staying with her but she’s asleep by six so we thought we’d be really bad and sneak out to Luke’s.

LORELAI

You’re going to Luke’s?

RORY

Yeah, maybe.

LORELAI

Honey, why go to Luke’s? Um, I mean, you just had ten rolls.

RORY

No, you had ten rolls, and I don’t even know if we’ll go to Luke’s. It’s just a maybe.

LORELAI

Okay, okay. Well, you guys have fun.

RORY

Okay, see you later.

LORELAI

Sure you don’t wanna call Dean?

RORY

Nope, tomorrow’s fine.

LORELAI

Yeah, tomorrow’s fine.

LORELAI

Dean.

DEAN

She likes Jess, doesn’t she?