T2E19: “Teach Me Tonight”

LORELAI

I hate crossword puzzles. They make me feel stupid.

RORY

Then don’t do ‘em.

LORELAI

Well, but if you don’t do them, you’re not only stupid, you’re also a coward.

RORY

Or you have better things to do with your time.

LORELAI

You think people will buy that?

RORY

The people who line up on a daily basis and ask you if you do crossword puzzles and then, when you say no, challenge you as to why? Yes, I think they will buy it.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, look, new bag boy.

RORY

Oh yeah, that’s Marty. He’s subbing for Dean while he’s out of town.

LORELAI

Wow, Marty does the jar twirl before putting the salsa in the bag. Impressive, very Cocktail.

RORY

Marty’s a nice guy.

LORELAI

Marty’s an ambitious snake in the grass.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

The jar twirl, the double bagging, the ‘have a nice day, ma’am’ after every customer. . .that guy’s got an agenda.

RORY

Which is?

LORELAI

He’s out to take Dean’s job!

RORY

I don’t think so.

LORELAI

Oh, yes, he is. I’m telling you, he wants that position. Dean better hurry back from his grandmother’s house or he can kiss his job goodbye.

RORY

They’re not going to fire Dean.

LORELAI

Really, why not?

RORY

Well, for starter’s, someone stole Taylor’s ladder last week and Dean is the only one who can reach the top shelves.

LORELAI

Huh, interesting.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Just as Marty, aka Eve Harrington, shows up trying to take Dean’s job, Taylor’s ladder mysteriously disappears, suddenly making Dean invaluable no matter what fancy tricks Lon Chaney Junior over there pulls. Good thinking, Dean – smart thinking, my friend.

RORY

You need to start napping in the afternoons.

LORELAI

Hey Taylor, pulling double duty today?

TAYLOR

Oh, I like to fill in behind the register every now and then. It keeps me in contact with the clientele. Also, it allows me to keep an eye on the ‘take a penny’ pot here, make sure people aren’t pocketing those pennies for their own personal gain but are legitimately using them to make exact change.

RORY

Oh cool. Mom, look.

LORELAI

Oh yeah, it’s Movie in the Square night again, great.

RORY

We’ll be there.

TAYLOR

Ah, excellent. There you are.

LORELAI

What’s the movie this year?

TAYLOR

Oh, it’s going to be something really great.

LORELAI

Really, what?

TAYLOR

A real winner.

LORELAI

What’s it called?

TAYLOR

Well, show up and be surprised.

LORELAI

Why don’t you tell me what the movie is?

TAYLOR

No.

LORELAI

Why not?

TAYLOR

Because.

LORELAI

Because why? What is the. . .oh no.

TAYLOR

There is a line behind you.

LORELAI

You chose The Yearling again?

TAYLOR

It is a fine, wholesome motion picture. Moving story, lovely scenes of nature.

LORELAI

You’ve shown The Yearling the last three years in a row!

TAYLOR

You know something, I’m getting a little tired of hearing you complain about this every single year.

LORELAI

I’m tired, too. Pick another movie.

TAYLOR

A lot of hard work and careful planning go into those nights. You never help plan, you never volunteer, you have never once been a ticket ripper as long as I have been involved in that function. Personally, missy, if you can’t participate with a smile and a hug, then you shouldn’t participate at all.

LORELAI

I shouldn’t, but I am. Pick another movie.

TAYLOR

No!

LORELAI

Taylor, there’s millions of great movies out there. Any one of them would be better than The Yearling for the fourth time.

TAYLOR

Fine, you do it!

LORELAI

What?

TAYLOR

You pick the movie.

LORELAI

Seriously?

TAYLOR

I’ve had it. You have such strong opinions about everything, you go out and try to find a movie that everybody will enjoy. It’s all yours. I relinquish my movie picking crown to you.

LORELAI

He relinquished his crown.

RORY

I heard.

LORELAI

I got his crown.

RORY

And it looks great on you.

LORELAI

Cool, this is gonna be fun! Let’s go home and make popcorn and pick which movie we’re gonna show.

RORY

I get to help?

LORELAI

Of course.

RORY

Oh, and can I borrow the crown?

LORELAI

I don’t know, honey. We’ll have to see.

LORELAI

The Wizard of Oz.

RORY

The Sting.

LORELAI

Rocky.

RORY

Crimes and Misdemeanors.

LORELAI

The Singing Detective.

RORY

That was a miniseries.

LORELAI

So?

RORY

So it’s like six hours long.

LORELAI

Good point. Ooh, I got it! Arthur.

RORY

Yes!

LORELAI

Or Sophie’s Choice.

RORY

Very similar.

LORELAI

Oh man, I can’t choose, there’s too many great movies. The burden is overwhelming. I’m sinking under the pressure. My grasp on reality is slipping. I can’t do it, I can’t hold on, I just can’t, I just. . .ooh, hey, how about Cabin Boy?

RORY

Will you get that?

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Why not?

LORELAI

Time?

RORY

6:45.

LORELAI

On?

RORY

Wednesday. Ooh! [answers phone] Dad, hi!

CHRISTOPHER

Hey kiddo, what’s going on?

RORY

Not much. Just getting ready for school and trying to think up movies.

CHRISTOPHER

Movies for what?

RORY

Our town does this big movie festival outdoors every year and this year Mom gets to pick the movie.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh yeah? How’d she get that gig?

RORY

She ticked off the guy that usually does it and he quit.

CHRISTOPHER

Sounds about right.

RORY

So how are things there? How’s Sherry?

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, uh, nothing much is going on here. Same ol’, same ol’. Hey, listen, uh, I’ve gotta cut this talk short but I sent you an email, so read it and add an extra forty minutes onto my time for next week’s call, deal?

RORY

Deal. Do you wanna say hello to Mom before you go?

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, no, I can’t, I really need to run. You say hello for me.

RORY

Okay.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, I’ll talk to you Wednesday. Bye Sweetie.

RORY

Bye Dad. [hangs up] He says hello.

LORELAI

He does not.

RORY

So, are you gonna tell me what it is you two are fighting about?

LORELAI

I’m not fighting.

RORY

Okay, are you gonna tell me what it is you’re not fighting about that keeps you from talking to each other ever again?

LORELAI

What about Desperately Seeking Susan?

RORY

What about, my mother is two?

LORELAI

Never saw it – Angie Dickinson?

RORY

You’re impossible.

LORELAI

You’re right. You’re Impossible was the one with Angie Dickinson.

RORY

Fine, forget it, I give. Stay in a fight, I don’t care. I’m late for school. We’ll finish the list later.

LORELAI

After school, Luke’s?

RORY

I’ll be there.

LORELAI

Bye hon.

RORY

Bye.

TEACHER

Fifteen minutes left.

JESS

Lane. . .Lane.

LANE

Sh.

JESS

I need a pencil.

LANE

I don’t have one.

JESS

Then I need a pen.

LANE

You only have fifteen minutes left.

JESS

Then I need the answers.

LANE

There’s a pen in my bag.

JESS

I can’t go through your bag.

LANE

Yes, you can.

JESS

My mother told me never go through a lady’s bag. . .at least, not until you’re a couple blocks away. I’m just kidding, she never said that. Though it sounds like pretty good advice, doesn’t it?

LANE

Take it and shut up. [hands him a pen]

JESS

Well, I tell you, it’s true – small towns sure are friendly.

PRINCIPAL

Come in.

LUKE

Yeah, I got a call you wanted to see me. I’m, uh, Luke Danes – Jess Mariano’s uncle.

PRINCIPAL

Jess Mariano. Ah yes, come in.

LUKE

Thanks. So is everything okay? I didn’t see any cop cars or fire trucks out front so. . .

PRINCIPAL

Mr. Danes, please have a seat.

LUKE

A seat? So this is a seat thing. Okay, what’s he done?

PRINCIPAL

Why do you assume he’s done something?

LUKE

Oh, I don’t know. You’re staring at a folder that’s looking a little thick there. I get a call to come right over here and talk to you, so why don’t you just tell me what he’s done?

PRINCIPAL

Nothing.

LUKE

Nothing?

PRINCIPAL

No homework, no class participation, his attendance record is erratic at best. His attitude towards his teachers, it ranges from indifferent to hostile. He shows no interest in school activities or other students, and there is the issue of the disappearing baseballs.

LUKE

The what?

PRINCIPAL

Every baseball on campus seems to have disappeared.

LUKE

Oh, come on, you don’t think Jess seriously. . . I’ll check when I get home.

PRINCIPAL

I appreciate that. Now, I don’t suspect we’ll solve every problem in one meeting, so let’s focus on the most important one – his grades.

LUKE

Not good?

PRINCIPAL

Not good.

LUKE

Well, I’ll have a talk with him about that.

PRINCIPAL

You’re gonna have to do a lot more than talk to him. You’re gonna have to help him.

LUKE

Me? Oh, no, I’m not the one you want helping him. I went to this school – I’m sure there’s still a note stuffed in there about me with the words ‘trade school’ stamped in really big letters.

PRINCIPAL

Well, if you can’t help him, you’re gonna have to find someone who can.

LUKE

Like who?

PRINCIPAL

A relative.

LUKE

I don’t think so. Believe me, I’m the Einstein of the clan.

PRINCIPAL

Well, maybe you need to hire a tutor.

LUKE

A tutor? Oh geez.

PRINCIPAL

Mr. Danes, Jess is flunking out. He’s not going to make it. Now, if something it not done about that right now, he’s going to repeat this year. I’m sorry, but that’s where we are.

LUKE

Okay, well, if that’s where we are, then I’ll just have to figure something out.

PRINCIPAL

Good. And let’s not forget about those baseballs.

LUKE

Right.

PRINCIPAL

Been using tennis balls for a couple of weeks.

LUKE

Wow.

PRINCIPAL

Very different results.

LUKE

I’m sure it is.

LORELAI

If we take off Fletch and Urban Cowboy, we still have seventy-five possibilities.

RORY

How are we gonna pick just one?

LORELAI

I don’t know. Maybe we should do like a movie marathon weekend. You know, just show one movie after the other for three days and charge everyone a fortune, gauge ‘em of bottled water, have those really little disgusting bathrooms – it’d be like our own Woodstock.

TAYLOR

Ah, good, there you are. I have something for you.

LORELAI

What?

TAYLOR

This. [puts a large binder on the counter]

LORELAI

Geez.

TAYLOR

Now, when you get through this and make your decision, the number of the man you need to contact is inside on the first page.

LORELAI

What man? What is this?

TAYLOR

That is the list of titles that are available for you to pick from for the movie night.

LORELAI

The list of titles? I’m sorry, can’t we just pick our own movie?

TAYLOR

You’re not serious?

LORELAI

Not often, but just there – yeah, I had some serious going.

TAYLOR

My dear girl, movies are expensive and we get fabulous deals with this particular place. They have a wide selection and they’re very friendly and since it all goes to charity, they agree to give us anything on that list for free.

LORELAI

So we have to pick a movie off this list?

TAYLOR

Oh, it’s fun. They put the movie title over here and a brief description of the storyline over here and believe me, there are some excellent movies on that list. Really, top notch.

LORELAI

Arctic Flight – man with plane flies charter to Alaska, hired by bear hunter who turns out to be Russian spy, love story develops with pilot and school teachers, Eskimos do tribal dance. You made this up.

TAYLOR

Don’t I wish. Okay, well, I can’t wait to see what you come up with. Bye girls.

LORELAI

Bye.

RORY

Killer Shark.

LORELAI

Oh.

RORY

Shark fisherman on ocean, Mexican cantina with tequila and Mariachi music, has good scene of catching and cleaning shark.

LORELAI

Where Are Your Children? Hip music and singing about kids getting into trouble, sneaking booze into clubs, stealing car, fight between girls, romance starts then guy goes in the Navy.

RORY

Huh. Sudden Danger – mom dies of gas asphyxiation, son blamed, good kiss scene.

LORELAI

Suspense – ice skater falls in love with hired help. Well, at least now I know how Snow Dogs got made.

LUKE

Hey. Listen, have you seen Jess?

RORY

I think I saw him go upstairs earlier.

LUKE

Oh, great, thanks.

LUKE

Oh, good, you’re here. So, you file those under the band names?

JESS

Genre.

LUKE

Right, genre, that makes sense, makes a lot of sense. Oh, what is that? Something for school?

JESS

Nope.

LUKE

Oh, well, shouldn’t you be reading something for school?

JESS

Why?

LUKE

I don’t know. I mean, I know you like reading and since you like reading, you might as well read something you’re gonna get graded on so you can get graded on something you like because you like reading.

JESS

What are you babbling about?

LUKE

I went to see your principal today.

JESS

Huh.

LUKE

He says you’re flunking out. He says you’re not showing up for class. He says you stole their baseballs. You stole their baseballs? Why would you do that? What could you possibly need five hundred baseballs for?

JESS

Can we talk about this later?

LUKE

Why, you got a big Frisbee heist going down at six? Jess, Mr. Mertin said if you don’t start doing better, they’re not gonna let you be a senior.

JESS

Bummer.

LUKE

They’re gonna hold you back.

JESS

Well, at least I’ll know where my classes are.

LUKE

Jess, this is serious. You’re flunking out. You’re looking at being in the eleventh grade for the rest of your life. You’re gonna be the kid in the back of the room with a beard and a racing form babbling incoherently about Steely Dan.

JESS

Steely Dan?

LUKE

The group may change, the freak in the back never does.

JESS

I’m going out.

LUKE

Don’t you wanna go to college?

JESS

Don’t wait up.

LUKE

What do you wanna be when you grow up?

JESS

About twenty miles south of wherever you are.

LUKE

You have to think about the future. If you don’t get through high school, who’s gonna hire you? You’re not gonna have any skills.

JESS

Stop.

LUKE

How you gonna work, huh? How you gonna eat? How you gonna pay rent? What are you gonna do, Jess?

JESS

Geez, I don’t know, maybe I’ll work in a diner.

LORELAI

Marshmallow?

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

Okay, I have now finished going through every single one of these movies. I’ve read them, reviewed their merits, and I’m proud to announce that I have chosen our movie. How does The Yearling sound to you?

RORY

Perfect.

LORELAI

And buh-bye.

LORELAI

Oh, that must be Pauline Kale rising from the dead.

RORY

Tell her hey.

LORELAI

Pauline!

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Never mind. What are you doing here?

LUKE

Uh, I made some brownies, I thought you might like some.

LORELAI

Oh, gee, since I just ate half a bag of marshmallows, six Pop Tarts, four bagel dogs and a really stale Cheese Nip – yup, it’s brownie time, thanks. Hey, here’s a question for you.

LUKE

Yeah?

LORELAI

Well, you probably have a diner full of people who would love these brownies – plus, I bet they’d pay you for ‘em.

LUKE

Well, I accidentally dropped triple the amount of cocoa powder in the batter so I either had to dump the batch or find someone with some sort of superhuman chocolate tolerance – only one name came to mind.

LORELAI

God, I love being special. What?

LUKE

Nothing. I just. . .hey, uh, is Rory here by any chance?

LORELAI

Yeah, she’s in her room.

LUKE

Can I talk to her for a sec?

LORELAI

Sure, go right ahead.

LUKE

Hey, thanks. [knocks on Rory’s door] Rory, it’s Luke. Can I come in for a minute?

RORY

[opens door] Hey, what’s up?

LUKE

Not much. Can I . . .

RORY

Uh, yeah, come on in.

LUKE

So I see you’re studying.

RORY

Yup.

LUKE

That’s good. Studying is very, very good. What you’re doing right there with the books, very good.

RORY

Thank you.

LUKE

Okay, look, I wanted to ask you a favor. Oh. Uh. I was wondering if you could tutor Jess.

RORY

What?

LUKE

He’s not doing too well in school. The principal said he’s not gonna let him move on unless something changes. I was wondering if you could help.

RORY

That doesn’t make any sense, he’s smart enough to pass any subject.

LUKE

I don’t think it’s his lack of smarts, more like his lack of proximity to the actual classes that’s the problem.

RORY

Ah.

LUKE

Yes.

RORY

Okay, what subject does he need help in?

LUKE

I’d say all of them, probably.

RORY

Huh.

LUKE

Look, I don’t expect you to work miracles and it doesn’t have to be a full time everyday thing. If you could just get him through a couple of his next tests, maybe make the school see that he can do it, that would probably help out a lot.

RORY

Sure.

LUKE

Great, tonight?

RORY

Tonight.

LUKE

I really appreciate this. Ah, okay, you should get back to your studying, otherwise you’re completely useless to me. [walks into kitchen] Okay, so I’ll see you guys at dinner probably.

LORELAI

Wait, hold on – what was that all about?

LUKE

Oh, Rory’s gonna tutor Jess.

LORELAI

She is?

LUKE

Yeah, just for a little while, help get him on the right track.

LORELAI

Wow.

LUKE

Okay, I should be getting back. Enjoy the brownies, I’ll see if I can screw up a cake for you later on.

LORELAI

Sounds great.

LORELAI

Hm.

LORELAI

Hey Luke, hang on just a sec.

LUKE

Yeah?

LORELAI

Um, listen, about Rory doing this tutoring thing.

LUKE

I really appreciate it, by the way.

LORELAI

I know you do. I just. . .Rory’s so sweet and she would never say no to anyone ‘cause she loves to help, but I’m not sure if it’s the best idea.

LUKE

Why not?

LORELAI

Well, she’s got her own studies to worry about.

LUKE

I know, and I promise this is not gonna take up all her time. It’s just for a little while.

LORELAI

Okay, but - .

LUKE

Plus, Rory’s pretty serious about school. I don’t think she’d say she had the time if she didn’t.

LORELAI

I know, Rory is a great student, but she’s just a kid. Don’t you need like a professional tutor to help with Jess? You know, somebody with a degree and a pipe and one of those coats with the elbow patches on it?

LUKE

I need someone Jess is gonna listen to, someone he’s gonna. . .I don’t know, look up to. That sure isn’t me and it sure isn’t some tutor. He likes Rory and Rory’s on the path that I’d like to see Jess on – school and college. He needs to see somebody he respects doing what he should be doing and Rory’s the only person I can think of who fits that description.

LORELAI

Yeah, but you don’t know for sure that he’ll listen to Rory.

LUKE

No, but I gotta do something, don’t I? I mean, what would you do if you were me?

LORELAI

Nuh. Okay, just make sure it’s not too much time, okay?

LUKE

I will.

LORELAI

Okay.

LUKE

Enjoy the brownie.

LORELAI

Mm.

LORELAI

Oh my God. Mmm, that’s good.

KIRK

Ah, Lorelai, good. I need one minute of your time.

LORELAI

I’ll give you two because you scare me.

KIRK

I hear through the grapevine that you are the one in charge of selecting the movie for this year’s movie night?

LORELAI

Yes, I am.

KIRK

Okay, well, I don’t know if you know this about me, but I have great creative ambitions.

LORELAI

I did not know that about you, Kirk.

KIRK

It’s true. Don’t get me wrong, I love the blue collar work. I enjoy the plight of the every man. But as much as the mail letter delivered and the DSL line installed and the latest J. Lo flick rented fills me with a deep sense of pride, in my soul I am Akira Kurosawa.

LORELAI

Seven Samurai, great movie.

KIRK

Excuse me?

LORELAI

Seven Samurai.

KIRK

I’m sorry, I don’t – .

LORELAI

Akira Kurosawa directed Seven Samurai. It’s a great Japanese movie.

KIRK

Japanese movie? No, I’m sorry, I have the wrong person. Who’s the guy who directed all those Facts of Life’s?

LORELAI

I don’t – .

KIRK

Asaad Kelada, sorry. In my soul I know I am Asaad Kelada.

LORELAI

What do you need from me, Kirk?

KIRK

I’ve made a short film that I’ve been working on for about five years now and if I rush, I can have done my Thursday night. I’m very proud of it, and I was wondering if you would consider screening it before the movie tomorrow. It would mean a great deal to my career.

LORELAI

Well, uh, what kind of movie is it?

KIRK

Oh, you mean is it blue? No, perfectly PG.

LORELAI

Uh huh.

KIRK

It’s not exactly Babe, it’s more like Babe 2.

LORELAI

Got it.

KIRK

Same pig, harder edge.

LORELAI

Okay, Kirk, I hear you. I wanna help you. Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you.

KIRK

Here’s a copy of the film. Take a look and call me. And remember, I can edit out two of the hells but I need to keep all the damns. It’s a street cred thing.

LORELAI

Bye Kirk.

LORELAI

Well, at least now I have something fun to do tonight.

RORY

You’re not watching that without me.

LORELAI

Okay, I’ll wait. So, um. . .ooh, do you wanna get some pie?

RORY

No, I’m full.

LORELAI

Coffee? How ‘bout some coffee?

RORY

I’m good.

LORELAI

Hot chocolate?

RORY

No, thanks.

LORELAI

Egg cream? Now, I never had an egg cream but it sounds just disgusting enough to be fabulous.

RORY

We’re just going to study.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

And we’ll be right here doing it.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

So all this stalling is completely unnecessary.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

So go.

LORELAI

I will. Just finishing up the coffee that I paid for already. All right, that’s enough, I’m going. Goodbye.

RORY

Bye. Um, Mom?

LORELAI

Yeah?

RORY

Listen, just in case, and I don’t think he will, but if Dean calls, will you tell him I’m with Lane?

LORELAI

I thought you said this was nothing.

RORY

It is nothing.

LORELAI

That you guys were just studying.

RORY

We are.

LORELAI

Then how come I have to lie to Dean?

RORY

Well, you know as well as I do that it’s not gonna be okay with Dean if I’m studying with Jess.

LORELAI

Then maybe you shouldn’t be. I mean, if you feel weird enough about it that I have to lie to Dean.

RORY

I’m not asking you to lie to Dean.

LORELAI

You told me to tell him that you’re with Lane.

RORY

Well, that was just because – .

LORELAI

I don’t see Lane here – sounds like a lie to me.

RORY

Fine, forget it. Just don’t answer the phone.

LORELAI

Hello, I get calls there, too. I’m not ‘whatever happened to Baby Jane?’ yet, thank you very much.

RORY

Just tell him that I’m studying, which is what I am doing, so you will not be lying, okay?

JESS

Hey Teach.

RORY

Hey.

JESS

You guys done yet?

LORELAI

Just not yet.

JESS

Okay, well, I’ll be right over there when you are. I just can’t wait for that learning to begin. Hey, are we gonna do some of those Schoolhouse Rocks songs?

RORY

I’ll be right there, Jess.

JESS

‘Cause they say if you just make learning fun. . .

LORELAI

Give us a minute, okay?

JESS

Well, hurry – a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

RORY

I’ll be home early.

LORELAI

Fine. Bye.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Bye Jess.

JESS

Ma’am.

RORY

So, are you ready to start?

JESS

Yes, I am.

RORY

Where are your books?

JESS

Huh, I don’t know.

RORY

How are we gonna study without your books?

JESS

I guess we can’t. Too bad. So, what now – movie?

RORY

Get your books.

JESS

The cat ate ‘em.

RORY

Get your books or I’m going home.

JESS

Wait there. [does magic trick]

RORY

Explain to me the political ramifications of the Marshall Plan.

JESS

Pick a card. [Rory throws the whole deck on the floor] Huh, well, that just made the trick a little bit harder.

RORY

Jess, focus.

JESS

Where’s Dean tonight?

RORY

We just went over this. There’s no way you already forgot it.

JESS

Work?

RORY

I will make you write it out fifty times on the specials board if that’s what it takes.

JESS

‘Cause if he’s not at work, he must be free, so he doesn’t care that you’re here?

RORY

No, he doesn’t. He’s visiting his grandmother.

JESS

Where?

RORY

Chicago.

JESS

So he doesn’t know.

RORY

It wouldn’t matter.

JESS

So you’ll tell him when he gets back?

RORY

We’re studying.

JESS

You’re studying, I’m prying into your personal life.

RORY

Jess, why won’t you at least try to remember the Marshall Plan?

JESS

Have you ever read "Please Kill Me"?

RORY

No.

JESS

Oral history of the punk movement. You’d like it – you can borrow it if you want.

RORY

I’m here to help you study. Now, if you want me to go, I’ll go, but if I’m going to stay, then you will stop distracting me and start paying attention, understand?

JESS

I understand.

RORY

Good. And yes, I would like to borrow it, thank you very much. Now open your book.

JESS

Done.

RORY

This isn’t Shakespeare.

JESS

It’s not?

RORY

It’s the words to a Clash song.

JESS

Ah, now, but which Clash song?

RORY

Hey, I’m not the one being tested right now.

JESS

Ten seconds.

RORY

Jess.

JESS

Nine, eight, seven.

RORY

Stop it.

JESS

Six, five, four.

RORY

You know you’re really starting to. . .

JESS

Three.

RORY

Ooh, ooh, Guns of Brixton!

JESS

A plus.

RORY

Why would you even agree to this studying thing in the first place?

JESS

Because Luke said I had to.

RORY

You’ve never done anything because someone said you had to.

JESS

I moved here because someone said I had to.

RORY

Very different.

JESS

Yeah, well. . .hey, do you wanna get outta here?

RORY

What?

JESS

I’m sick of studying.

RORY

How can you be sick of studying? You haven’t done any studying. You’ve done card tricks, you’ve made coffee, you’ve tried to explain to me how on earth Coldplay could be considered an alternative band, but as of yet, no studying.

JESS

That’s your car?

RORY

Yes, it is.

JESS

Okay, tell you what. Let’s go get some ice cream, and then when we get back, I’ll study.

RORY

This is a diner, there’s ice cream here.

JESS

Yes, but we don’t have any cones.

RORY

Cones?

JESS

I need cones.

RORY

Well, so, if we go get ice cream. . .

JESS

In cones.

RORY

Then you will be a perfect student for the rest of the night?

JESS

That’s right.

RORY

I could not believe you less. Here, you drive, I’ll read you Othello. Won’t that be fun?

JESS

You have no idea how much.

JESS

Admit it, it’s always better in a cone.

RORY

It’s always better in a cone.

JESS

Putting ice cream in a dish, eating it with a spoon?

RORY

What is wrong with people?

JESS

Hold the wheel.

RORY

What?

JESS

I’m dripping here, hold the wheel.

RORY

I can’t hold the wheel, you’re driving. The person who’s driving has to hold the wheel. That’s the first thing they teach you in driver’s ed.

JESS

Huh, I gotta take that class one of those days. Take the wheel.

RORY

Jess.

JESS

I’m letting go.

RORY

Stop! Take it back. Okay, you are taking this wheel back and when you do, I’m going to kill you. I’m just letting you know that.

JESS

I appreciate the warning.

RORY

Jess!

JESS

Okay, I got it. Geez, you look pale. Are you okay?

RORY

Death, and it’s going to be painful.

JESS

You’re not gonna kill me. Think how dull your life would be without me.

RORY

Serious question?

JESS

Okay.

RORY

You know you’re smarter than most everybody at your school. It takes you like five minutes to finish a book. You read everything, you remember everything, you could ace those classes easily. Why don’t you? You don’t need a tutor. It’s crazy that they’re talking about leaving you back.

JESS

Whatever.

RORY

You can do anything you wanted, you can be anything you wanted.

JESS

Rory.

RORY

I. . .is it like a cool thing?

JESS

I could care less about being cool.

RORY

Well, inform me, please.

JESS

I’m never going to college, why waste the time in high school?

RORY

And why aren’t you going to college?

JESS

Please.

RORY

What? Please what – why is it so crazy?

JESS

Ask my mother, she could give you a couple reasons. Oh, and I’m sure Principal Mertin can chime in with a few good ones. In fact, ask your mother. She doesn’t know me all that well but I’m sure she could improvise a few things.

RORY

Do not give me that whole ‘I’m so misunderstood, Kurt Cobainy’ thing. You are way stronger than that and I don’t even wanna hear it. You have to go to college.

JESS

No, you have to go to college.

RORY

But don’t you have any plans?

JESS

Yes, I plan to get out of Stars Hollow.

RORY

And go where?

JESS

Wherever.

RORY

And do what?

JESS

Whatever.

RORY

Wherever, whatever.

JESS

I’ll live where I live, I’ll work when I need money, and I’ll see where I end up.

RORY

You could do more.

JESS

Oh, here come the pompoms.

RORY

No, no pompoms, just me saying you could do more.

JESS

So, Courtney, what about you?

RORY

What about me?

JESS

What are your big ambitions?

RORY

Harvard.

JESS

And after Harvard?

RORY

I’m gonna be a journalist.

JESS

Paula Zahn?

RORY

Christiane Amapour

JESS

You’re gonna be an overseas correspondent?

RORY

Yes, I am.

JESS

You’re gonna crawl around in trenches and stand on top of buildings and have bombs going off in the background and some wars raging all around you?

RORY

What, you don’t think I can do it?

JESS

No, I do. Just sounds a little too – .

RORY

A little what?

JESS

Just sounds a little too rough for you.

RORY

Well, it’s not a little too rough for me. I hope it’s not a little too rough for me, I’ve been talking about this forever. I mean, I don’t even know what I would do if – .

JESS

Hey, I didn’t mean to freak you out. I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ll do it. You will, I promise. I’ll help you practice, okay? Tomorrow, you’ll stand in the middle of the street and I will drive straight at you screaming in a foreign language.

RORY

Well, you’re gonna have to learn a foreign language first.

JESS

Well, it’s lucky I’ve got me a tutor, isn’t it? Okay, so I guess we should be getting back. I did promise to study if you went on this ice cream run with me.

RORY

Yes, you did.

JESS

Okay, so I just go straight and we’ll be back at Luke’s.

RORY

Good sense of direction.

JESS

Of course, I could turn right and then we’d just be driving around in circles for awhile.

RORY

Turn right.

JESS

As you wish.

LORELAI

Hello?

RORY

Mom?

LORELAI

Oh, Rory, great. Tell me, was it the China Ball, the China Doll, or the China Wall that had the really good shrimp balls?

RORY

I think it was the China Doll.

LORELAI

Okay, these can go. You’ll be so proud of me, I’m organizing the takeout drawer. I’m weeding out all the dogs and I’m putting happy face stickers on the dishes that have been huge successes to make our ordering more efficient. Where are you?

RORY

I need you to be calm.

LORELAI

Calm about what?

RORY

Calm about what I have to tell you.

LORELAI

What – where are you?

RORY

I’m all right.

LORELAI

Well, of course you’re all right – why wouldn’t you be all right?

RORY

Because. . .I got in an accident.

LORELAI

What? What accident? What do you mean you got in an accident?

RORY

Jess and I went for ice cream and we were just driving and it was dark and this dog or cat or possum, I don’t know – it was small and furry, and it ran out into the middle of the road and Jess swerved and – .

LORELAI

Jess swerved?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Jess was driving?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Jess was driving your car and you got in an accident?

RORY

But I’m fine and he’s fine and the furry thing is fine. The car’s a little messed up, but there’s nothing for you to be worried about.

LORELAI

Where are you?

RORY

I’m in the hospital.

LORELAI

Um, hi, hi, excuse me, uh, my daughter’s here, she was in a car accident. Her name is Rory Gilmore.

NURSE

Okay, just take a seat.

LORELAI

I don’t wanna take a seat.

NURSE

It’ll be one minute.

LORELAI

Hey, do you remember in Terms of Endearment, that scene where Shirley MacLaine is in the hospital and freaks out because they won’t give her daughter a shot? She got that from me and she toned it down a little. So, once again, I’m looking for my daughter, Rory Gilmore?

NURSE

First door on your left.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LORELAI

Rory, good. Are you okay?

RORY

I’m fine.

LORELAI

Oh.

RORY

Please tell her that I’m fine.

DOCTOR

She’s fine.

LORELAI

Well, then, what’s with the wrapping?

DOCTOR

Well - .

LORELAI

If she’s fine, there’d be no wrapping. There’s no wrapping if she’s fine.

DOCTOR

Her arm hit the dashboard. She sustained a minor hairline fracture to her wrist.

LORELAI

So she broke her wrist?

RORY

No, it’s just a fracture.

LORELAI

Honey, let George Clooney talk here, okay?

DOCTOR

It’s a tiny fracture, absolutely nothing serious. I’m gonna put a cast on it. She’ll wear it for a couple weeks, that’s it.

LORELAI

A cast?

RORY

It barely hurts, I swear.

LORELAI

And that’s it – just the wrist, everything else is fine?

DOCTOR

She seems perfectly healthy.

LORELAI

She seems healthy? Did you check everything out?

DOCTOR

Well, we checked almost everything that could’ve been affected, yes.

LORELAI

Almost everything?

DOCTOR

Miss Gilmore, I assure you, we were very thorough.

LORELAI

I’m sure you were, I just would like some extra thorough. Uh, anything that could’ve possibly, in any scenario, affected this body, I want it checked out.

DOCTOR

I’ll run a few more x-rays if that’ll make you feel better.

LORELAI

It will, thank you.

DOCTOR

And then we’ll put the cast on her, so it’s gonna be a little while before she’s out of here.

LORELAI

I can wait.

DOCTOR

Okay. Rory, I’ll be right back. You sit still for a minute, okay?

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Aw.

RORY

The car’s not so good.

LORELAI

Oh, nobody cares about the car.

RORY

Jess made sure that he called the ambulance and that I was okay before he even talked to the police and – .

LORELAI

Let’s just hear about the details later, okay? I just want you to relax now.

RORY

You’re not mad?

LORELAI

No, I’m not mad. So they, they uh, brought you in the ambulance?

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Did they use the siren?

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

I hope Taylor was in bed already.

RORY

It was after nine so there’s a good chance he was.

LORELAI

Nice.

DOCTOR

Okay, Rory, I’m gonna have the nurse take you down to x-ray now.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Oh, can I go with her?

DOCTOR

I’m sorry, you have to wait outside. It’ll be about an hour if you wanna go grab some coffee or something.

LORELAI

Okay, thanks. Smile pretty for the camera.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Thanks.

LORELAI

Luke! Luke!

LUKE

Hey, I was – .

LORELAI

Where is he?

LUKE

Who?

LORELAI

Jess! Where’s Jess, Luke?

LUKE

I don’t know, I just got back. What’s going on? I got here and they weren’t here.

LORELAI

Jess!

LUKE

Hey, talk to me!

LORELAI

Jess, answer me right now!

LUKE

What’s wrong, what happened?

LORELAI

There was an accident.

LUKE

What - what accident?

LORELAI

Jess!

LUKE

What accident?

LORELAI

Jess was driving Rory’s car and he crashed it.

LUKE

What, when?

LORELAI

What do you mean, when? Tonight, tonight – he crashed it tonight! Jess, dammit!

LUKE

What happened? Is anyone hurt? Lorelai!

LUKE

Hey, I’m talking to you here.

LORELAI

Where would he be? Where would he go?

LUKE

I asked you if anyone was hurt?

LORELAI

Uh, was anyone hurt? Well, let’s see. Uh, Rory’s in the emergency room now with a fractured wrist, so yeah, I’d say someone was hurt.

LUKE

Rory fractured her wrist?

LORELAI

Yes, she has to wear a cast for two weeks, she’s getting x-rays and tests.

LUKE

What about Jess – is he hurt?

LORELAI

No, Luke – Jess did the hurting. That little punk nephew of yours almost killed my kid tonight.

LUKE

Look, I’m sure it was an accident. Accidents happen.

LORELAI

Not with my kid in the car, they don’t.

LUKE

Okay, you just need to calm down.

LORELAI

Why did you do this?

LUKE

What are you talking about? Why did I do what?

LORELAI

Why did you bring him here?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

If you hadn’t brought him here, none of this would’ve happened.

LUKE

This is my fault?

LORELAI

Yes, it is your fault! You told him to come, you let him stay. Everybody hated him, everybody knew he was trouble but you wouldn’t listen and you wouldn’t send him home and now my daughter is in the hospital!

LORELAI

You kept pushing them together. You asked her to help him study, you knew she’d never say no. I told you it made me nervous, I told you I didn’t like it and I should’ve stopped it right there. But you thought Rory would be good for Jess, never mind what he’d be for her. That wasn’t important at all, was it?

LUKE

Of course it was important.

LORELAI

Why didn’t you put a stop to it at the first sign of trouble? Why didn’t you make him leave?

LUKE

He’s my nephew. I had an obligation to take him in, I had an obligation to care for him.

LORELAI

You had an obligation to this town and to me and to Rory. Where are you going?

LUKE

I have to find out where Jess is.

LORELAI

Well, I’ll tell you where he’s not – he’s not in the emergency room having him arm plastered up!

LUKE

Hey, I am sorry about Rory. You know I care more about her than I do myself, but at least you know where Rory is and at least you know that she’s okay. Now, I have to find Jess and I have to make sure that he’s okay, and if that cuts into your screaming time, well that’s just too damn bad!

LORELAI

Go to hell!

LUKE

Right back at ya!

LORELAI

Chris?

JESS

I made sure she was okay.

LUKE

I know you did.

LORELAI

Okay, you’ve got your TV, you’ve got your books, your magazines, your refreshments, you have your CD player, your assorted CDs. Stan Freberg, Ash, you have your Sinead O’Connor – because when life really gets you down, Sinead’s really the one to teach you some perspective. You have a pad of paper in case you decide to write the great American novel. And over here you have a tiny but annoying bell in case there’s something here that you need but you don’t have and you want to summon the common but lovely house wench who will promptly leave her talking mice and come to fetch the Contessa whatever she may require.

RORY

I think what Contessa requires right now is sleep.

LORELAI

Is your arm hurting you?

RORY

Unh uh, but the stuff they gave me at the hospital made me a little dopey.

LORELAI

My little Marianne Faithful. Scooch down now and go to sleep.

RORY

What are you doing?

LORELAI

Just a little feng shui, go to sleep.

RORY

Mom, you don’t have to sleep in here tonight.

LORELAI

I know, I just think the chair looks nice here.

RORY

And what’s the blanket for?

LORELAI

In case the chair gets cold.

RORY

And the pillow?

LORELAI

To keep the blanket company.

RORY

Uh huh.

LORELAI

Okay, everything’s in its place. Chair seems warm, blanket seems happy, just one thing missing. . .oh, yeah. [sits down in chair] Goodnight.

RORY

Freak of sideshow proportions.

LORELAI

I love you, too.

RORY

Mom?

LORELAI

Hmm?

RORY

I’m sorry.

LORELAI

Shh, the chair is trying to sleep.

LORELAI

Chris?

CHRISTOPHER

[wakes up] What? Lor. . . is everything. . .

LORELAI

Shh. Come on.

LORELAI

Hey, what are you doing here?

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, I have a really crappy mattress at home.

LORELAI

Chris.

CHRISTOPHER

I drove here as fast as I could and I went to the hospital but you guys had already left so I tried your cell phone but all I got was the voice mail so I came here but the place looked dark so I got the key out of the turtle and came in but you guys were already asleep so I just grabbed a chair and. . . and apparently my evil plan worked exactly as I anticipated.

LORELAI

I’m so glad you’re here.

CHRISTOPHER

Me too. How’s she doing?

LORELAI

She’s in a cast.

CHRISTOPHER

I know.

LORELAI

The doctor said she’ll be fine, he’ll take it off in a couple of weeks. The car is totally gone and I have to call the insurance guy tomorrow and. . .I don’t know.

CHRISTOPHER

Did you find that kid?

LORELAI

Jess?

CHRISTOPHER

Jess, dead meat, whatever his name is.

LORELAI

No, the little ferret’s hiding out somewhere, I’m sure.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, well, I’m gonna deal with the car tomorrow and I still wanna talk to the doctor, if that’s okay, and I’m gonna need a picture of this Jess so I don’t accidentally rip the head off the wrong kid ‘cause that would be bad.

LORELAI

Look at you all springin’ into action.

CHRISTOPHER

About time, don’t ya think?

LORELAI

I like the superhero you.

CHRISTOPHER

Just trying to keep up.

LORELAI

So, are you staying here tonight or do you have to rush back?

CHRISTOPHER

No, I wanna spend some time with Rory tomorrow.

LORELAI

And Sherry’s cool with you staying here?

CHRISTOPHER

Rory comes first.

LORELAI

Okay. Do you want some coffee?

CHRISTOPHER

I’ll get it.

LORELAI

Do you know how to make coffee?

CHRISTOPHER

Yes, I do.

LORELAI

My coffee?

CHRISTOPHER

One bag of coffee per cup of water, right?

LORELAI

Perfect. Oh my God. When Rory called me tonight and said the word hospital, I just legitimately thought I was having a heart attack, and let me tell you, it was not fun. I’m joining a gym tomorrow, that’s how not fun it was.

CHRISTOPHER

See if you can get a two for one membership.

LORELAI

Anything could’ve happened. It could’ve been so much worse.

CHRISTOPHER

But it wasn’t.

LORELAI

No, it wasn’t, but it could’ve been.

CHRISTOPHER

It wasn’t. It’s okay, everything’s gonna be okay.

LORELAI

Hey, about the fight we had the last time you were here. . .

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, yes, that was a doozy, wasn’t it?

LORELAI

I just, I didn’t mean to. . .

CHRISTOPHER

No, I shouldn’t have. . .

LORELAI

No, but if I implied that. . .

CHRISTOPHER

You didn’t. . .I just snapped. . .

LORELAI

I understand.

CHRISTOPHER

I’m sorry.

LORELAI

Me too. Hey, did I mention I’m really glad you’re here?

CHRISTOPHER

I believe you did.

LORELAI

Well, good for me, then.

CHRISTOPHER

The Yearling?

LORELAI

Uh huh.

RORY

Great movie.

CHRISTOPHER

Boy, you think they could’ve gotten the genius in charge of this to come up with something other than The Yearling.

LORELAI

You know, picking a movie that will appeal to a large group of people is hard.

LANE

Rory!

CHRISTOPHER

We’ll get seats.

LANE

Oh my God! Let me see. Oh, that sucks, that so sucks. Does it hurt?

RORY

Only when I remember how I got it.

LANE

Okay. Here – angry girl for an angry arm.

RORY

Oh, cool! Thank you.

LANE

You’re welcome. [Lane puts a sticker on Rory’s cast] So, tell me what happened.

RORY

Oh, Lane, it was horrible. I have never been involved in anything so horrible in my life.

LANE

But what happened?

RORY

An animal ran out into the road and we swerved and we hit a pole, and my car – my beautiful car. . .

LANE

How bad?

RORY

Bad.

LANE

Have you talked to Dean?

RORY

No, he gets home tomorrow.

LANE

What are you gonna say?

RORY

I don’t know.

LANE

He’s gonna freak.

RORY

I know.

LANE

And Jess?

RORY

Not since last night.

LANE

Wow.

RORY

Yeah, everyone is so upset right now. And my dad’s in town and something happened between Mom and Luke and she won’t tell me what. I don’t know, they just need time to cool off and then everything will be fine. Everyone just needs time. Maybe I’ll try to call him tomorrow.

LANE

Tomorrow. Oh yeah, that’s plenty of time. No one will still be mad then.

RORY

Sarcasm does not become you.

LANE

Maybe not, but it does sustain me.

LORELAI

Hey, why isn’t Jackson here?

SOOKIE

Oh, he’s singing to his persimmons tonight. They’ve been a little sour lately.

LORELAI

Oh, right.

CHRISTOPHER

Right? You just accept that explanation?

LORELAI

Yeah, why shouldn’t I?

CHRISTOPHER

Because she just told you the man isn’t here because he’s singing to fruit.

LORELAI

That’s better than dancing with it. Remember last year’s watermelon crop?

SOOKIE

Oh, yeah – threw his back out.

LORELAI

Mm hmm.

CHRISTOPHER

I’m facing the screen now.

SOOKIE

The movie’s already starting? I thought it started at eight.

LORELAI

No, this is a little pre-movie treat.

KIRK

I can’t wait to meet your family.

WOMAN

I’m very close to my family.

KIRK

I know this. That’s why I can’t wait to meet your family.

WOMAN

Remember, Daddy is quite protective. I’m his favorite daughter.

KIRK

He has good taste. I intend to tell him that.

WOMAN

I love you.

WOMAN

Daddy.

DAD

You are with my favorite daughter.

KIRK

You have good taste.

DAD

Come in the house.

WOMAN

I love you.

KIRK

I love your daughter.

DAD

Who are you to love my daughter? What can you offer her?

KIRK

Nothing. Only this. [starts dancing]

CHRISTOPHER

Wow.

LORELAI

He raps later.

SOOKIE

Okay, Jackson needs to see this. Hey, if I can’t get him here quick enough. . .

LORELAI

Oh, we are so playing this again after the movie.

SOOKIE

Great, I’ll be back. [leaves]

CHRISTOPHER

This town is like one big outpatient mental institution.

LORELAI

Glad you could join us.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, me too.

LORELAI

It’s so nice you decided to stay for the movie. I mean, it’s really fun being able to say, ‘hey, look, I know that person. I talk to him everyday and so far, he’s never bitten me.’

CHRISTOPHER

That’s it, I’m definitely coming around more often. You need protection.

LORELAI

Coming around more sounds good.

CHRISTOPHER

I wish I could stay longer.

LORELAI

Well, you gotta get back to Sherry. Don’t worry, we understand.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, well, I wish I could stay.

RORY

Hey, where did Sookie go? Oh my Lord.

LORELAI

Quick, cover her eyes. She’s just a child, she shouldn’t have to see this.

RORY

He’s taking his shirt off.

CHRISTOPHER

I shouldn’t have to see this either. I’m going for popcorn.

LORELAI

Me please.

RORY

Me too.

CHRISTOPHER

Got it, be right back. [leaves]

RORY

I like it when he’s here.

LORELAI

Yeah, me too.

DAD

Let’s eat.

MISS PATTY

I did the choreography.

LORELAI

Mm.

BABETTE

Patty, doll, come here!

MISS PATTY

I’ll see you later.

LORELAI

Bye Patty. [to Rory] So, how are you feeling?

RORY

Haunted by the sight of Kirk’s bare chest.

MISS PATTY

No!

BABETTE

I swear to God!

MISS PATTY

When?

BABETTE

Last night, not long after the accident happened, Luke walked him straight to the bus station, stuck the kid on a bus, sent him home to his mom.

MISS PATTY

I can’t believe Luke would send him off like that.

BABETTE

Well, I heard the kid wanted to go. I don’t know. All I know is that Jess is gone.

MISS PATTY

Well, well, well. What will we do for entertainment around here?

BABETTE

Beats the hell outta me.