T2E20: “Help Wanted”

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Nothing. Are you tilting?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

I think you're tilting.

RORY

I'm not tilting.

LORELAI

Do you wanna hold onto my purse? It might even you out.

RORY

Stop anytime you like. What are you doing?

LORELAI

Well, I'm gonna get a pen and put it on top of your head and see if it rolls off.

RORY

Okay, see, this is not how you console the injured.

LORELAI

You're right, I'm sorry. [pulls a book out of her purse] How about this?

RORY

The Little Locksmith!

LORELAI

And I got it at the bookstore, paid full price.

RORY

Thank you!

LORELAI

You're welcome – feel better?

RORY

I do.

LORELAI

Good... now can I put a pen on top of your head?

RORY

No. Mom?

LORELAI

Oh good, hold still.

RORY

Forget the pen.

LORELAI

Drat!

RORY

When are you gonna tell me what happened between you and Luke? Was it bad? I mean, I'm sure it was bad, but how bad is bad?

LORELAI

It was nothing.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Look, I was upset, he was upset, we had a thing. It's over, we're fine.

RORY

A thing?

LORELAI

A tiny thing.

RORY

A tiny thing?

LORELAI

A thinglet, if you will.

RORY

You and Luke don't have thinglets very often.

LORELAI

Oh no, Rory, everybody has thinglets, it's part of being a grown up.

RORY

Well, what did he say? What did you say?

LORELAI

Rory, please.

RORY

Well, okay, fine, just answer me this – we are on our way to Luke's, right?

LORELAI

Right.

RORY

And when we get there, will we get in?

LORELAI

Of course we'll get in.

RORY

Will we get served?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

Will we get coffee?

LORELAI

Maybe.

RORY

Refills?

LORELAI

Eventually.

RORY

Free refills?

LORELAI

In about a month.

RORY

Okay, the thinglet has grown into a thing.

LORELAI

Rory, Luke and I have fought before, God knows we'll fight again, but it's over, it's history. We'll go in, he'll be crabby, I'll be adorable, he'll forget everything and that, as they say, will be that.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Hey, is there a line?

KIRK

Closed.

LORELAI

What?

KIRK

It's closed.

LORELAI

Luke's is closed?

RORY

Luke's is never closed.

KIRK

I know.

LORELAI

Are you sure it's closed?

KIRK

Well, first I read the sign and then I tried the door in case it was some sort of elaborate ruse.

LORELAI

Designed to keep only you out?

KIRK

There's precedent.

LORELAI

Well, Luke's gone fishing. I think that's great.

RORY

It is?

LORELAI

Yes. He works hard, he needed a break, he took it. I think it's good, healthy.

KIRK

For who? I have blood sugar issues.

RORY

Mom -.

LORELAI

Don't.

RORY

It's because -.

LORELAI

No, it isn't.

RORY

But he never --.

LORELAI

Well, now he did.

RORY

But --.

LORELAI

Rory, he took a trip. Don't read anything into it.

RORY

It's because of the other night.

LORELAI

No, it isn't. And even if it is, it'll go away. Everything'll be fine.

KIRK

Speak for yourself. I left my wallet in there yesterday.

LORELAI

Why are we standing here?

RORY

Because the sign says ‘wait to be seated'.

LORELAI

Yeah, but we're not automatons, we are rule breakers, and there are like fifty open tables.

RORY

You're exaggerating.

LORELAI

One, two, three, four, fifty – no I'm not.

RORY

I'm sure someone will help us soon.

LORELAI

We should be eating, I'm hungry, this is crazy. Don't they want us eating? Isn't that what the point of The Hungry Diner is – to feed the hungry diner? Or is the point of The Hungry Diner to keep the hungry diner hungry, in which case they should call it The Eternally Hungry Diner ‘cause you're not gonna get any food here, loser.

RORY

That would be quite a sign.

LORELAI

Ugh, I'm giving one of these paper-topped turkey heads three seconds to seat us or I swear, I'm gonna start to just – .

WAITRESS

[walks up to them] Two?

LORELAI

Yes, please.

RORY

You're gonna what?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Well, you said you were gonna do something if somebody didn't help us in three seconds.

LORELAI

I did?

RORY

Yes, you did, and then the waitress came over and you never finished saying what you were gonna do.

LORELAI

Honey, we gotta get some food into you, you're imagining things.

RORY

What were you gonna do?

LORELAI

Shh! You're getting screwy!

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Mom? I'm not your mom. Do you need help little girl?

RORY

Oh my God.

WAITRESS

How's this?

LORELAI

It's, uh, perfect, thanks.

WAITRESS

Can I bring you some coffee to start?

LORELAI

To start and finish.

WAITRESS

Need a little pick me up?

LORELAI

Do I!

WAITRESS

Back in a jif! [leaves]

LORELAI

Okay, when she comes back, we're gonna grab her and hold her down and you tell her really ugly things about the world.

RORY

Why don't you get your daughter to help you out with your evil plan?

LORELAI

Okay, now, make nice. [opens menu] Oh, how convenient. They have pictures of all the food in case you've been living in a cave for the last fifty years and you have no idea what a stack of pancakes looks like.

LORELAI

Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.

WAITRESS

Yes, Sweetie?

LORELAI

What are the tiny cups for?

WAITRESS

They're coffee cups, they're for coffee.

LORELAI

What, are you running out or something?

WAITRESS

I'm sorry?

LORELAI

Never mind. Listen, we are very sleepy this morning, so would you happen to have something in a larger size, say a mug, a tureen, a small bowl of some kind?

WAITRESS

A coffee bowl?

LORELAI

Yes, a coffee bowl.

RORY

Bring two, please.

WAITRESS

We don't have coffee bowls, I'm sorry.

LORELAI

Okay, well, then would you mind bringing... what do you think – two, three?

RORY

Three's good.

LORELAI

Yeah, three of these cute little cuppy things? Oh, and could you leave the pot in the meantime?

LORELAI

Well, looks like coffee, smells like coffee...

RORY

[takes a sip and makes a face] The comparison stops there!

LORELAI

This sucks.

RORY

Just put a lot of stuff in there so you can't taste it.

LORELAI

How am I gonna fit my three sugars into Barbie's Malibu dream cup here? It'll be all sugar and no coffee.

RORY

You may prefer it that way.

LORELAI

Man. [glances over and sees Michel at another table] Well, well, well.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I'll be right back. [walks over to Michel, who is reading a magazine] So, what's new for Fall? I hear the sailor suit is hot, hot, hot.

MICHEL

What are you doing here?

LORELAI

Luke's is closed this morning.

MICHEL

By the health inspector, no doubt.

LORELAI

So... this is where you have your breakfast, huh?

MICHEL

Until this morning, yes.

LORELAI

How's the grub?

MICHEL

They make an excellent egg white omelet, no oil.

LORELAI

Really?

MICHEL

They use the spray. Can you leave now?

LORELAI

How come you never told me about this place?

MICHEL

Because then you might actually eat here and there would be no corner of my life which would be free of your incessant scrutiny. What are you doing with the fork?

LORELAI

Can I have a bite?

MICHEL

Can you what?

LORELAI

Just a taste.

MICHEL

Get away from me. [stands up to leave]

LORELAI

Aw, Michel, don't go. Come eat with us.

MICHEL

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

LORELAI

No, not really.

MICHEL

Good, it's a date.

LORELAI

You, me, here tomorrow?

MICHEL

Never. [leaves]

LORELAI

Hey, know what? I'm beginning to like this place.

RORY

I'm glad. Mom, I need to ask you a favor.

LORELAI

Ask away.

RORY

I need you to get me out of dinner tonight.

LORELAI

Oh, Rory.

RORY

Dean's coming home and he doesn't know about the accident and if I'm not there the second he gets home then someone else is gonna tell him about it and then that would be – .

LORELAI

Horrible.

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

I agree.

RORY

I really hate to ask you this.

LORELAI

Ah, forget about it.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Yeah, absolutely. Make things right with Dean.

RORY

I really appreciate this.

LORELAI

No problem. In fact, it gives me a little extra time to work on my ‘why Rory's wearing a cast' story for your grandparents.

RORY

Yeah? What do you got so far?

LORELAI

Really big bees.

RORY

Huh. Well, it's good you've got the time.

LORELAI

Yeah, it is.

EMILY

I'm so sorry Rory isn't feeling well. Is it that flu that's been going around?

LORELAI

Oh, yes, it is.

EMILY

Horrible strain. Bunny Carlington-Munchausen has been bedridden for two straight weeks.

LORELAI

Huh. Well, it must wipe her out just toting that name around.

EMILY

I wonder if I should take a drink into Richard. I hate to disturb him while he's working.

LORELAI

He's working, like work working?

EMILY

That's right. His articles of incorporation arrived last week. He's rented an office. Your father is now the president and CEO of the Gilmore Group, an international insurance consulting firm.

LORELAI

Wow, that's great. So, um, what's the... like, how does... what's his job?

EMILY

He's a consultant.

LORELAI

Meaning?

EMILY

Your father is an international insurance consultant.

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah, but what exactly does that mean?

EMILY

He consults on matters relating to international insurance.

LORELAI

Wait, wait – when Dad goes to his new office, he sits down and he...

EMILY

Consults with international clients on insurance matters.

LORELAI

I don't know why we're not opening for Rickles.

RICHARD

[from hallway] Dammit!

EMILY

Richard, are you all right?

RICHARD

[walks into the living room] No, I am not all right. That was Margie just now on the phone.

EMILY

Oh, how is she?

LORELAI

Who is she?

EMILY

You know very well who Margie is. She's been your father's secretary since you were a child.

LORELAI

Oh, Largie Margie... very clever when you're six.

RICHARD

In answer to your question Emily, Margie is well. So well, in fact, that she has decided not to join me in my new business.

EMILY

What?

RICHARD

She's staying with the old firm.

EMILY

But how could she? You were the only reason she even had a job at that firm.

RICHARD

I went to great pains to remind her of just that.

EMILY

Well, this is simply unacceptable. You and that rotund ingrate had an agreement.

LORELAI

There was an agreement, in writing?

RICHARD

Well, not in writing per se, but she helped me procure my new office, she arranged to have all my things sent over, all that was left was for her to accept my formal offer, a very generous one, if I may say so.

EMILY

And she just turned you down?

RICHARD

She had the gall to counteroffer. She kept insisting that I match her current salary.

LORELAI

Oh, Dad, you weren't even offering to match the poor woman's salary?

RICHARD

Well, Lorelai, the Gilmore Group is a fledgling enterprise. I can't afford to pay Margie her full salary right away.

EMILY

But after twenty years, where is the woman's sense of loyalty?

LORELAI

Oh, gee, I don't know... maybe with the company that's keeping her from having to stand in line for government cheese.

RICHARD

I'm afraid, at this point, I don't know how to proceed.

EMILY

Well, of course you don't.

RICHARD

I had counted on this.

EMILY

Of course you had.

RICHARD

Perhaps I should reconsider going forward.

EMILY

That may be best.

LORELAI

Excuse me?

RICHARD

I can't very well do it without Margie.

EMILY

No one would expect you to.

LORELAI

Guys, you can't be serious.

EMILY

I wonder if it's too late to get out of my lease.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

You should look into that immediately, Richard.

LORELAI

Whoa, whoa, whoa! There is a baby here desperately in need of some bath water.

RICHARD

What is she saying Emily?

EMILY

What are you saying Lorelai?

LORELAI

I'm just saying there are other options to consider.

RICHARD

Like what?

LORELAI

Like hire another secretary.

EMILY

Oh no. Your father's had other secretaries.

RICHARD

Three in fact, each one worse than the previous one.

EMILY

Until Margie.

RICHARD

Margie was a gem.

EMILY

Margie did everything for him.

LORELAI

Yes, but Dad, there are plenty of other Margie's out there dying to be in that kind of codependent relationship with you. You will find one, trust me. Now she might not be named Margie but if you pay her enough you can probably call her whatever you want.

RICHARD

I don't have time to find someone new. The office is a disaster. Everything is in boxes. I don't know where anything is or how anything works... the computers, the phones, even my office chair.

LORELAI

Okay, Dad, I'll tell you what. Tomorrow afternoon after my business class, I will come to your office and we'll get you unpacked, we'll get you settled, and we'll find you someone as good as Margie, or at least cheaper.

RICHARD

Oh, I hate to see you waste your time.

LORELAI

Well, I'll blindfold you then.

RICHARD

I don't know, I – .

LORELAI

Dad, there's another Margie out there, honest. Just give it a chance.

RICHARD

An office without Margie...

EMILY

Seems inconceivable.

LORELAI

Dream with me here folks.

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

Hey.

DEAN'S DAD

Hi Rory. [goes into the house]

DEAN

What happened? What'd you do to your arm?

RORY

[hands him an envelope] Here.

DEAN

What is this?

RORY

Just read it.

DEAN

What – Rory, what's going on? Tell me how you hurt your arm.

RORY

It's all in the letter.

DEAN

But – .

RORY

Read.

DEAN

Uh... [starts reading] Well, I love you, too.

RORY

Good – now just hold onto that feeling for a minute.

DEAN

Why?

RORY

Just – .

DEAN

Read, all right, I'm reading. [reads some more] What?

RORY

Keep going.

DEAN

[reads some more] What?

RORY

Turn it over.

DEAN

[reads some more] What!

RORY

Go on, you have like three more whats ahead of you.

RORY

It gets better at the end. I'll just stand here until you get there.

DEAN

[reads some more] Is he really gone?

RORY

Yes.

DEAN

Okay. You wanna come in?

RORY

What?

DEAN

You can stay for dinner, my mom's making a roast. You like roast, right?

RORY

Um, yeah, I like roast.

DEAN

Okay, come on.

RORY

And then we just watched TV.

LORELAI

Oh, you mean you ‘watched TV.' Use the air quotes, Sweetie.

RORY

His little sister was there.

LORELAI

Oh, so you watched TV... go on.

RORY

And then he walked me home.

LORELAI

That's it?

RORY

That's it.

LORELAI

Did he kiss you goodnight?

RORY

Yup.

LORELAI

But he didn't ask about the other night at all?

RORY

Nope.

LORELAI

Didn't ask about the car?

RORY

Not once.

LORELAI

And Jess?

RORY

He just asked if he was really gone and that was it.

LORELAI

Wow.

RORY

I thought he would yell and scream. I though he would wanna break up – instead, he gave me his corn.

LORELAI

He did? When?

RORY

At dinner.

LORELAI

Oh, so you were already eating. It wasn't just an out of the blue, ‘And I give you my corn.' Okay, got it.

RORY

Maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet, maybe he'll be mad tomorrow.

LORELAI

Maybe Dean is even more terrific than we thought he was.

RORY

It's not covering the whole cast.

LORELAI

Relax, I'm not done. [gets a box of Saran wrap]

RORY

Do you really think he's okay with it?

LORELAI

Sounds like it.

RORY

If the situation were reversed, I don't think I'd be okay with it.

LORELAI

If the situation was reversed, I don't think Dean would've let Jess drive his car.

RORY

I guess I should just be grateful then?

LORELAI

Grateful, absolutely.

RORY

[points to a stack of papers] What are these?

LORELAI

These are resumes for your Grandpa's new secretary.

RORY

There are like a hundred of them.

LORELAI

Yes, well, the world is full of eager young people just waiting to have the life sucked out of them by Richard Gilmore. Okay, I'm finished – what do you think of that?

RORY

If we were gazelles, we'd be the first ones eaten at the watering hole.

LORELAI

Well, be thankful we're not gazelles. Now go take your shower. You're starting to look like you're starring in an independent film.

LORELAI

Hey?

RORY

Yeah?

LORELAI

Dean knows ya, hon. He knows you wouldn't do anything to hurt him, he gets it. So, you're lucky, just focus on that. Jess is gone, now you guys can start over.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

And, uh, hey, even though the box says it's safe, I want you to keep your arm out of the microwave for at least a week.

LORELAI

Dad?

RICHARD

Oh, come in, come in.

LORELAI

So, let me guess, the Wu Tang Clan had the office before you?

RICHARD

Yeah, it's a bit disheveled, I know.

LORELAI

Wow, it's freezing in here.

RICHARD

Uh, yes, it has been since I moved in.

LORELAI

Oh, did you try adjusting the thermostat?

RICHARD

Yes, that only seemed to make it angry.

LORELAI

So you've been just Nanooking it this whole time, just sending out for whale blubber and mukluks? [adjusts thermostat]

RICHARD

Well, I wouldn't touch that if I were you, Lorelai. You don't know what you're do– .

LORELAI

Ah, the wind done gone.

RICHARD

So it would seem, for the moment.

LORELAI

No, no, I turned it off. Here, let me show you. [the phone rings] Do you wanna get that?

RICHARD

No, no, they've already hung up.

LORELAI

Okay, next time hold an envelope up to your head before you do that.

RICHARD

Well, it's been doing it all day. The phone rings once, and then poof, they're gone.

LORELAI

[walks over to the phone] Oh, that's because your messages are being forwarded to your voice mail. See where it says voice mail.

RICHARD

How could that happen?

LORELAI

I don't know, where's your manual?

RICHARD

Uh, manual. . manual...

LORELAI

Uh, came with the phone, probably has a picture of a phone on it. Aha, look what I found under your copper ball glued to the wood thing here.

RICHARD

Uh, it's brass. One of the firm's parting gifts as they nudged me into retirement.

LORELAI

So, in addition to being heavy and ugly, it's also insulting.

RICHARD

Quite.

LORELAI

There you go, that should work. You wanna call me from your office?

RICHARD

Well, this is my office.

LORELAI

Oh, well, whose office is that? [points toward an adjoining room]

RICHARD

Ah, yes, excellent idea. [walks toward the other office as the phone rings] That isn't me calling.

LORELAI

Didn't think so. Should I get that?

RICHARD

Yes, please.

LORELAI

[answers phone] Um, hello, the Gilmore Group. Mr. Hensen... why, yes, he...

RICHARD

Ooh! [gestures that he doesn't want to talk]

LORELAI

... just walked out. May I take a message? Uh huh... [looks through the drawers for a pen] Um, how are you spelling, uh, Larry? [Richard hands her a pen] Oh, traditionally, great. Okay, uh, thank you for calling... bye bye. [hangs up] Where the hell are your pens?

RICHARD

Uh, watch your language, young lady. What did Larry want?

LORELAI

He wanted to know where the hell your pens are.

RICHARD

Lorelai.

LORELAI

He just wants you to call him, Dad. Where are all the office supplies?

RICHARD

Well, I haven't gotten around to that yet.

LORELAI

Before anything else can happen, you need pens, you need paper, you need... everything else, don't you? Especially since I might be tempted to wash my hand at some point.

RICHARD

Well, where does one get these things?

LORELAI

Well, Dad, where did you used to get ‘em?

RICHARD

From Margie.

LORELAI

From Margie... I saw that coming. All right, well, let's go.

RICHARD

Good Lord, this place goes on forever.

LORELAI

Oh, it goes on until chair mats and floor mats but if you're not careful, you'll loop back around into inks and toners and be here all day. Stay close. Hey, there's a seat in the cart if you want a ride.

RICHARD

I'll pass. Look at the scale of this place. I mean, no one needs all these options, it's oppressive. Hundreds of paper clips in every conceivable color and size. Now, who on Earth would buy these things?

LORELAI

We would. [puts them in the cart] All right, now, what's the first thing you do when you get to the office in the morning?

RICHARD

Uh, well, let's see, I return the calls from Asia first.

LORELAI

That's right, you make coffee, so you'll need a coffee maker. Let's see. Ugly, crappy, German, ooh - pretty!

RICHARD

Oh, well, as long as it's pretty.

LORELAI

Why is everything worth having just out of reach?

RICHARD

Is there no one here whose job it is to actually assist paying customers?

LORELAI

No, that's how they can afford to sell this baby for forty percent off.

RICHARD

Forty percent off, I had no idea. [grabs the box from the top shelf and puts it in the cart]

LORELAI

Nicely done, Dad. You won't be sorry.

RICHARD

You know, it's suddenly becoming clear to me that I'm an old man. I don't recognize half the whats-its and dodads in here.

LORELAI

Well, Dad, here we have an assortment of magic sticks and when you press down on paper, writing comes out.

RICHARD

I know what pens are, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Good, you pick out your favorites and I'll try to figure out how to explain Liquid Paper to you.

LORELAI

Oh, you're cute.

RICHARD

I can't possibly use all of those.

LORELAI

You won't. You'll lose half of them, then you'll be really happy to have the ones you have left. Now, paper.

RICHARD

All right. This oughta do nicely for now. [picks out a small package of paper]

LORELAI

What, are you going into business for two weeks? You are building an empire for crying out loud. Think big, Gilmore! Plus, if you get the box, it's cheaper. [puts huge box of paper into the cart]

RICHARD

Say, how do you happen to know all of this?

LORELAI

It's how we do it at the inn. You have to spend money to make money, my friend. It's a little tip from me to you.

RICHARD

Good point. What else?

LORELAI

I'd strongly recommend a stapler.

RICHARD

Stapler.

LORELAI

Some extra staples.

RICHARD

Ah, I'm way ahead of you.

LORELAI

Good man. Post-Its.

RICHARD

My goodness, look at all the Post-Its. I had no idea they came in so many shapes and colors. I'm gonna get a twelve pack for myself in various hues.

LORELAI

Wise move.

RICHARD

And one for Emily. I have seen her post notes on her vanity mirror to remind her of various activities.

LORELAI

Ah, she'll think it's Christmas.

RICHARD

Done. Now, what else is on the hit parade?

LORELAI

Well, it might be controversial, but I was thinking of something in the way of a three-hole punch if we can find one.

RICHARD

Well, I think we're both up to the challenge. Shall we?

LANE

Dawn Powell? I've never heard of her.

RORY

Nobody has, which is a shame because she wrote sixteen amazing novels, nine plays, and there are some who actually claim that it was Powell who made the jokes that Dorothy Parker got credit for.

LANE

Blasphemy.

RORY

I know. I'm trying not to hold it against Dawn though, until I have proof that she was involved with the whole smear campaign.

LANE

Hey, look! They finally took the boards off the windows.

RORY

Oh, I wonder what it's going to be.

LANE

I don't know.

RORY

What's that in the corner?

LANE

I think it's... a bass. It's a bass! And look, there are guitars on the wall! Oh my God, it's a music shop!

RORY

Wow, that is much better than the ceramic circus store we thought was going in there.

LANE

I can't believe it. Stars Hollow has taken its first steps toward being cool. I wonder how soon it's going to open.

RORY

If you keep pushing on the glass like that, much sooner than anticipated. Hey, hold on a sec?

LANE

Why, what's wrong?

RORY

Nothing, I'll be right back. [walks across the street to Taylor] Taylor?

TAYLOR

Rory, hello!

RORY

Hi. Listen, I just wanted to – .

TAYLOR

Oh no, just look at that arm!

RORY

It's fine, really.

TAYLOR

Does it hurt?

RORY

No, not much.

TAYLOR

Well, I hope you're not getting addicted to painkillers like those Hollywood people do.

RORY

Um, I'm not, don't worry.

TAYLOR

Good, because pain is your body's way of saying ‘I'm not okay now, but I will be soon.'

RORY

I will remember that.

TAYLOR

You don't wanna shut your body up too soon. That's called death.

RORY

Right. Um, Taylor, listen, I just wanted to apologize to you.

TAYLOR

About what?

RORY

About the other night. You know, my car hit the bench that had your brand new Doose's Market sign on it and I know how much that sign meant to you and I'm just so, so sorry that it was ruined.

TAYLOR

Oh, well, it wasn't your fault.

RORY

But my car hit the bench.

TAYLOR

Your car hit the bench because that Jess was driving.

RORY

Oh, well, yeah, but – .

TAYLOR

That boy is a walking natural disaster, they should name a tornado after him.

RORY

But he didn't cause it Taylor, there was –

TAYLOR

Rory, you don't have to explain a thing to me. I know that there is absolutely no way that you would be involved in something like that if it weren't for that Sal Mineo wannabe, believe me. Chachi, and Chachi alone, will be held responsible for that incident, okay? Good. Now take a peach.

RORY

Thanks.

LANE

So, is he mad?

RORY

No, not at me.

LANE

Well, that's good.

RORY

Yeah, that's good.

KIRK

That's my home phone number, my pager number, my cell number, and there's a partial list of references.

SOPHIE

Yeah, okay, I'll hang onto this, but as I said before, we just opened, so I'm not really looking to hire anybody right now.

KIRK

I am licensed to carry a gun, if that'll help.

SOPHIE

You have no idea how much.

SOPHIE

Can I help you?

LANE

Oh, no thank you. I was just looking.

SOPHIE

We like the looking, it's the touching we're a little iffy on.

LANE

Actually, I was just going... [almost bumps into a cello] That probably would've been construed as touching, huh?

SOPHIE

Yes.

LANE

Right. [stops to look at a drum set] Oh my.

SOPHIE

That's a DW drum set with Zildjian cymbals.

LANE

It's beautiful

SOPHIE

Do you play?

LANE

Oh, no. I wish.

SOPHIE

Sit.

LANE

What?

SOPHIE

Sit down, see how it feels.

LANE

Oh, I couldn't.

SOPHIE

Why, your legs don't bend?

LANE

No, they bend.

SOPHIE

Okay, if they bend then bend them.

LANE

Well, okay. [sits down] This is a good stool.

SOPHIE

Yes, it is. Here, you can't sit down at a drum set without your sticks.

LANE

Right – ‘cause that would be stupid.

SOPHIE

And remember – no touching.

LANE

Right. [pretends to play the drums]

SOPHIE

You look good.

LANE

Thanks.

RICHARD

Well, granted the European insurance market still needs some restructuring but it's growing at a remarkable rate. What am I basing it on? Well, Clive, surely you've seen the latest EuroStat. Yes, I've got it right in front of me. [whispers to Lorelai] EuroStat!

RICHARD

Ah, yes, here it is. Let's see. Uh, the highest contributions in absolute terms were reached in the United Kingdom, Germany, and the Netherlands. Uh huh. Well, yes, I would have to look up those specific coding and reference numbers. [Lorelai brings over some books for him] Uh huh, yes, I've got ‘em right here. Mm hmm. For the year, uh, 2001... uh, here they are. Uh, yes, are you interested in the Netherlands? I think that's a market that's gonna go through the roof.

LORELAI

Gilmore Group, may I help you? Oh, no, Margie doesn't work for the company anymore. I'm the one who called to schedule the DSL appointment. Well, no, no, we really need the DSL line installed today, it's just awful being without it. Uh huh. Okay, well, um, if you can make it before five, everything's good, but any later than that won't work because the cable modem people are dropping by about 5:05, so... well, thank you, that's great. Okay, bye bye. [hangs up] They'll be here in twenty minutes.

RICHARD

I must say, I'm impressed.

LORELAI

Well, I'm no Margie.

RICHARD

Oh, who needs here?

LORELAI

Speaking of which. [hands him a stack of papers]

RICHARD

What's all this?

LORELAI

The secretarial candidates for tomorrow's interviews. I've looked through them pretty carefully, and I think somewhere in there is a Margie for the new millennium.

RICHARD

I'll get it.

LORELAI

No, get to know your new secretary, I don't mind. [answers phone] Gilmore Group, may I help you?

EMILY

Yes, Richard Gilmore, please.

LORELAI

[in high voice] Oh, um, uh, certainly, may I ask who's calling?

EMILY

Emily Gilmore.

LORELAI

And does he know what this is about?

EMILY

Well, I hope so, I'm his wife.

LORELAI

[giggles] Oh, but Richard didn't say anything about being married.

EMILY

What!

LORELAI

Mom, relax, it's me.

EMILY

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

Well, you're crude and unprofessional.

LORELAI

Well, I'd like that on my tombstone, please. Now what can I do for you?

EMILY

I'm throwing a little cocktail party at the office on Friday to help launch the new business. Now, the caterers will be arriving at three o'clock sharp to set up, so – are you writing this down? You should be writing this down.

LORELAI

I'm scribbling furiously.

EMILY

Margie always wrote everything down.

LORELAI

So does this mean no Friday night dinner?

EMILY

It means we'll see you both at the party.

LORELAI

Bye.

BABETTE

Oh! Rory, Sweetie, hold on there, baby!

RORY

Hey Babette. Is everything okay?

BABETTE

I should be asking you that question. Come here, let me see that arm. Oh, you poor little thing. How you doing, huh?

RORY

I'm doing fine.

BABETTE

Aw, look at ya, being brave like that after all you've been through. Geez, it's so hard being a woman, isn't it?

RORY

I guess.

BABETTE

I mean, you've got your morals and your standards and your good common sense and then bam! You meet some guy and all that goes right out the window.

RORY

But – .

BABETTE

For every good woman there's a dirty little wolf just ready to lead her astray. You can't help it, he's got the eyes, the chin, the chest hair you could carpet your dining room with... I mean, what's a woman to do? We're not made of steel for God's sake.

RORY

Babette –

BABETTE

I was in a cult once, did I tell you that?

RORY

No.

BABETTE

I met this guy once – gorgeous, tan, looked just like Mickey Holiday. We had coffee, he gave me a pamphlet. Next thing you know, I'm wearing a muumuu, playing a tambourine, jumping up and down at the airport.

RORY

Okay, I really have to get inside.

BABETTE

Oh, sure, honey, sure, you go take good care of yourself. And don't be embarrassed tutz, this has happened to all of us.

RORY

Mom, you here? [walks over to answering machine and plays a message]

LORELAI

[on answering machine] Hey you, it's me. I'm gonna be home a little late today – still trying to find Grandpa a Margie. So order pizza, money's under the rabbi, hope your arm's feeling okay, Sweets. Buh-bye.

RORY

Hello?

LANE

I have found my calling.

RORY

What are you talking about?

LANE

I am talking about my future, my path, my destiny, my thing, my scene, my bag. I'm talking about the number one item on my cosmic to-do list.

RORY

Which is?

LANE

I'm gonna be a drummer!

RORY

You're kidding.

LANE

I went into that new music store today -- I don't know why I went in, I just had to. Something told me, ‘Lane Kim, there's something in there that you need to see', and there it was, and it was red and shiny and I'm so excited I can't breathe.

RORY

That's amazing.

LANE

I know.

RORY

But how are you gonna do this?

LANE

I don't know.

RORY

How are you gonna buy a drum set?

LANE

I don't know.

RORY

And even if you do buy a drum set, where are you gonna play it?

LANE

I don't know, I don't know any of this. But I will figure something out, because I am Keith Moon, I am Neil Peart, I am Rick Allen, with and without the arm, because I am rock 'n' roll, baby! I'll call you later.

KAREN

So when she opened her own office, she asked me to come along as her executive assistant and office manager, which was a terrific opportunity.

LORELAI

I bet! How so?

KAREN

In that I was able to build that office and its staff from the ground up and develop a system from scratch.

LORELAI

Wow, so you have a system.

KAREN

Which helped double productivity and billing hours, but then she got pregnant, and well, here we are.

LORELAI

Wow, story of my life – literally.

RICHARD

Well, uh, thank you for coming in, uh... uh, Karen. Uh, we'll let you know once we make our decision.

KAREN

Thank you, Mr. Gilmore. It was a pleasure meeting you both.

LORELAI

Here, I'll walk you out. I love what's going on with your shoes, by the way. [walks Karen out, then returns with a bag] Hey, look what I found.

RICHARD

Oh, good, lunch, I'm starving. Uh, do you wanna eat in here today?

LORELAI

Sure, why not?

RICHARD

Oh, good, they threw in pickles like I asked. It's great having this place just across the street, isn't it?

LORELAI

You'll never starve.

RICHARD

Hm, maybe we should start a tab with them so we don't have to pay cash everyday.

LORELAI

Already done.

RICHARD

Amazing. You're like the tiny fellow on that Mash program, always anticipating.

LORELAI

So, what do we think?

RICHARD

Mm, that's tasty.

LORELAI

No, I mean about Karen.

RICHARD

Who?

LORELAI

Karen, the woman who was just here, the one with the system.

RICHARD

Mm, rather inexperienced, I thought.

LORELAI

Dad, she worked as an executive assistant for six years.

RICHARD

Well, she's young, and young women tend to be flighty.

LORELAI

She worked for the same woman for five of those six years.

RICHARD

This roast beef is delicious. It's lean, it's tender. What'd you get?

LORELAI

Cheeseburger.

RICHARD

Mm, I may get one of those myself if we order from the same place tomorrow.

LORELAI

Tomorrow?

RICHARD

Mm hmm.

LORELAI

You mean for more secretary interviews?

RICHARD

Well, whatever's on the agenda.

LORELAI

Dad, you've already seen like three people who would be absolutely perfect for the job.

RICHARD

You can't rush these things, Lorelai. A man's secretary sets the tone for the entire enterprise.

LORELAI

I know that, but –

RICHARD

It has to do with chemistry as much as anything else, which cannot be manufactured out of sheer necessity. Besides, you and I seem to be doing just fine for the moment.

LORELAI

Yes, for the moment, but the moment is coming to a rapid end.

RICHARD

Well, what do you mean?

LORELAI

I can't work here ‘cause I have my own job.

RICHARD

I know that, Lorelai.

LORELAI

And I need you to find an assistant soon, like now because I don't even know when I'm gonna be able to come back.

RICHARD

Well, I need to see more resumes. In the meantime, –

LORELAI

Dad, I cannot come back here tomorrow.

RICHARD

I see.

LORELAI

I didn't mean that to sound so harsh. I just... I meant –

RICHARD

I know exactly what you meant to say, Lorelai. I got the message. Well, I won't keep you any longer, I know how busy you are.

LORELAI

Dad, I didn't mean I have to go right now. We can finish our lunch.

RICHARD

Oh, I'm finished. Will you leave the phone number of the sandwich shop for me, please? I'll need it.

LORELAI

All the numbers you need are right there on your desk.

RICHARD

Oh, good. Now, if you will excuse me, I have some of my own work to attend to. Thank you for all your help.

LORELAI

You know, Dad, if it makes any difference, I thought that Karen was –

RICHARD

Thank you.

LORELAI

Here.

RORY

You know, there will be food there.

LORELAI

Finger food, aka snooty little balls of attitude.

RORY

Oh boy.

LORELAI

I need real food, peasant food. Hearty bread, meat, cheese, a little pickle chips, a sauce, a special sauce. This is the food that sustains me, this is the food of my –

RORY

Oh my God, just eat the burger already!

LORELAI

How crabby.

RORY

I'm not crabby.

LORELAI

I didn't even get through my special sauce speech. That's crabby.

RORY

Sorry.

LORELAI

Does your arm hurt?

RORY

No, I'm just tired, I guess.

LORELAI

All right. We won't stay very long. Just long enough to get five or six withering stares from my dad, and be taken down three or four notches by my mother, then we're outta there. [takes a bite of her burger] Ugh.

RORY

Not good?

LORELAI

Really not good! I swear, Luke better come back soon or I'm gonna starve to death.

RORY

I'm sorry.

LORELAI

For what?

RORY

Luke's gone because of me.

LORELAI

Oh, honey, he is not.

RORY

Yes, he is. I got into an accident and then you guys had a fight.

LORELAI

Rory, it isn't your fault. If it's anyone's fault...

RORY

It's Jess' fault.

LORELAI

Well, yes.

RORY

Why does everyone in this town think that it is all Jess' fault?

LORELAI

Hey, let's not talk about this, okay?

RORY

I was there too, you know.

LORELAI

Rory, everyone here loves you. They know you're not the ‘get in an accident and knock over a bench' girl.

RORY

I know that, and I appreciate that, but –

LORELAI

I want you to stop beating yourself up about this. It's over, Jess is gone. Let's forget about this, okay, please?

RORY

Fine.

LORELAI

Good. Hey, hand me that burger again.

RORY

I thought you said it was bad.

LORELAI

Hey, that burger may be a disgusting burger but at least it considers me its equal. Ugh.

LORELAI

Oh geez. This is worse than the clowns in the Volkswagen.

RORY

A lot of people.

LORELAI

Yeah, do you want something to drink? I think we're three martinis behind everyone else.

RORY

Just water, I guess.

LORELAI

Coming up. [walks toward the drinks] Oh boy, I should've brought bread crumbs. Excuse me.

EMILY

Lorelai, there you are. You're late.

LORELAI

Well, you scheduled this beer bash during rush hour.

EMILY

When traffic is leaving Hartford.

LORELAI

Apparently not when Emily Gilmore is throwing a party.

EMILY

It's wonderful, isn't it? Everyone showing up for your father.

LORELAI

Yeah, Mom, but don't you ever think about scaling back a little?

EMILY

I scaled back a lot. I cut two appetizers, I canceled the champagne fountain, and I reduced the catering staff to six servers, not counting the pointman.

LORELAI

Well, you can't not have a pointman ‘cause then what's the point?

EMILY

If you make it look cheap, people will think you're unsuccessful.

LORELAI

Absolutely right. Better to deprive them of oxygen so they don't have to think at all.

EMILY

It is rather warm in here, isn't it?

LORELAI

Yeah, do you want me to get the air going?

EMILY

No, no, Karen knows how to do it.

LORELAI

Karen?

EMILY

Your father's new secretary. She's wonderful, very professional. [walks over to Karen] Karen, darling, would you mind turning on the air conditioning?

RICHARD

No, I'll have Karen draw up the contracts today. That'll be in the morning.

LORELAI

Hi Dad.

RICHARD

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Swell party.

RICHARD

Uh, yes, it's mostly your mother's doing.

LORELAI

So, um, what just went down there?

RICHARD

Down where?

LORELAI

Just now, the handshake with the man in the gray flannel suit – did you score a deal?

RICHARD

Well, one doesn't score deals in the insurance business, Lorelai. One builds relationships based on trust and fulfilling the client's needs.

LORELAI

Sorry.

RICHARD

Mr. Lundquist and I, uh, just were -

LORELAI

Uh, Mr. Lundquist?

RICHARD

Yes.

LORELAI

Lundquist from Aero International?

RICHARD

Yes.

LORELAI

You bagged the Swede?

RICHARD

Well, just as I didn't score the deal, I also haven't bagged the Swede. We simply talked, we came to an agreement, we shook hands.

LORELAI

You shook hands, that means –

RICHARD

I'm sending him the contracts in the morning.

LORELAI

Dad, that's big!

RICHARD

Yes, I suppose it is big.

LORELAI

That's gigantic! It's a whole new market for you. It opens up all of Scandinavia, doesn't it?

RICHARD

Beyond that. Lundquist is his company's rep for Russia as well.

LORELAI

Russia!

RICHARD

Da!

LORELAI

Look who's taking over the world.

RICHARD

I suppose that would be me.

LORELAI

I see that you hired Karen.

RICHARD

Uh, yes, well, I had to get someone in here.

LORELAI

She seems to be working out well.

RICHARD

Well, she's no... Margie, but we'll see. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have several more deals to score now that I have finished bagging the Swede.

LORELAI

He's really in his element, isn't it?

EMILY

And happier than he's been in years. Oh, there's Rory. I was wondering where she's – what's that on her arm?

LORELAI

Oh, I was gonna tell you about that.

RORY

Hi Grandma.

LORELAI

That is a cast. She hurt her arm.

EMILY

When? How bad is it?

RORY

I fractured my wrist.

EMILY

Oh my God.

LORELAI

It's just a hairline fracture... it's just tiny.

EMILY

When did this happen?

LORELAI

Um, last week.

EMILY

Last week? Why didn't you call me? Last week, I can't believe you.

LORELAI

Um, well, I meant to.

EMILY

How did this happen?

LORELAI

Bees.

RORY

I got in a car accident.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

I got in a car accident.

EMILY

Oh my God, how could you not tell us that she got into a car accident? Is this why she missed dinner? You said she had the flu.

LORELAI

I just didn't want you to worry, Mom.

EMILY

Yes, well, clearly there was nothing to worry about. It was that car, wasn't it? The one her boyfriend made. Richard was dead set against letting her drive that death mobile.

LORELAI

No, it wasn't the car, Mom.

EMILY

Well, then what was it?

RORY

A friend of mine and I went to get ice cream

EMILY

A friend? Which friend – Lane?

RORY

Jess.

EMILY

Jess?

RORY

Luke's nephew.

EMILY

Him? I thought you were going to keep that boy away from her.

LORELAI

Mom, do we have to talk about this now?

EMILY

Yes, we have to talk about this now. The child has a cast on her arm. I don't understand how you could've been so irresponsible.

LORELAI

Mom, please.

EMILY

Don't ‘Mom, please' me. It was your responsibility to stop this, it was your responsibility to make sure that he did not –

RORY

I gave him the keys. I told him to drive. He wanted to drive back to Luke's and I said no. I wanted to keep on driving and that's when we got into the car accident. This is just as much my fault as it is his, maybe more.

EMILY

Rory.

LORELAI

I've got this, Mom. Can I see you in the hall for a second? [they walk into the hallway] Hey, what the hell was that?

RORY

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of everyone treating me like I'm some kind of mindless idiot being led around by a guy.

LORELAI

No one is treating you like that.

RORY

Everyone is, the whole town is... Taylor, Babette, Dean. Everyone in my life, including you, is refusing to believe that I was just as responsible for what happened that night as Jess was.

LORELAI

Really? Were you driving the car?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Then you weren't as responsible.

RORY

What if it'd been Dean, huh? What if Dean had been driving? Would everyone be assuming that it was his fault?

LORELAI

No, because if Dean had been driving there wouldn't have been an accident because Dean is a much more responsible kid who loves you and would've been driving more responsibly.

RORY

How do you know that Jess wasn't?

LORELAI

Hi... it's Jess.

RORY

Oh, right, Jess is the antichrist, I forgot. He wanted to get into an accident. He was looking for something to hit because he's a murderer with a death wish and he wanted to kill us both, right?

LORELAI

I know you think that Jess is your friend, but he's not. He is a completely out of control, really angry kid who has no respect for Luke, who has no respect for me...

RORY

It was an accident!

LORELAI

And he was driving!

RORY

So, what, no matter what I say, you're just gonna choose to blame Jess?

LORELAI

Yes, I choose to blame Jess.

RORY

Just because you hate him?

LORELAI

That's right! I'm sorry, but when my daughter comes home broken I get to hate the guy who broke her. That's how it works. He's gone, I win. You are wearing a cast and I get to hate him forever!

RORY

Fine!

LORELAI

Fine!

RORY

Fine!

LORELAI

I just had this image of thirty-five businessmen, six servers, one pointman all leaning up against that wall with glasses to their ears.

RORY

I don't think they needed the glasses.

LORELAI

We've got good lungs, you and I.

RORY

We're never gonna agree on this.

LORELAI

You have to understand -

RORY

I do.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

I don't wanna fight about this anymore.

LORELAI

Neither do I. Do you wanna go back inside?

RORY

No, I wanna go home. My wrist hurts and I'm grumpy and I just made a total idiot of myself in there so I just wanna go home.

LORELAI

All right, well, I'll tell Mom, I'll drive you.

RORY

No, it's okay. It's still early. I can catch my regular bus and... you go back in.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

I just want some alone time now.

LORELAI

Are you sure?

RORY

Yeah, I'll see you back at home.

SOPHIE

It's after six, we're closed.

LANE

Five more minutes?

SOPHIE

Nope, now.

LANE

So, you're from New York, huh?

SOPHIE

Yes, I am.

LANE

I wanna go to New York someday.

SOPHIE

Good for you.

LANE

Did you like it there?

SOPHIE

It was all right.

LANE

What part of New York did you live in?

SOPHIE

Okay, look, what's your name?

LANE

Lane Kim.

SOPHIE

Very nice to meet you, Lane Kim. Now you have got to get out of here because I am going to close and you are not going to schmooze me into forgetting that I am going to close.

LANE

Wait?

SOPHIE

What?

LANE

I have to have those drums.

SOPHIE

Great – cash or credit?

LANE

No, see, I have no money. Plus, even if I did have money there's no way I could take those home with me because my mother would never stop crying, so I have a proposal.

SOPHIE

Uh huh.

LANE

Twice a week, on Wednesday and Friday nights at six o'clock, I could come and practice here.

SOPHIE

Wow, that sounds great.

LANE

Now, I'm not expecting you to let me do this for free or anything. I'll clean or do inventory or stock stuff or whatever it is that you need done.

SOPHIE

I don't need that much done.

LANE

Well, then, I can do other things also, like, uh... oh, hey, do you know Korean?

SOPHIE

No.

LANE

Well, then I could teach you.

SOPHIE

Why would I wanna learn Korean?

LANE

Why wouldn't you? It's an interesting language, and being bilingual in this day and age can only be a plus.

SOPHIE

Please, go home.

LANE

I can't. I can't go home until you say yes. I have to rock, I have to! Please, I'm so begging you – let me rock!

SOPHIE

Why Wednesdays and Fridays?

LANE

Because that's when my mom has her Bible group.

SOPHIE

Okay, let's see what you got.

LANE

Really? Oh my God, thank you! [sits down at the drum set] Can I hit them this time?

SOPHIE

Go ahead.

LANE

Yes! A one, two, three, four! [starts to play]

SOPHIE

I'll be in the back in case the cops come.

LANE

Oh, hey, do you mind turning off the lights on your way out? My mom sometimes walks home this way.

RORY

Hey

LUKE

Rory.

RORY

You're back?

LUKE

I'm back.

RORY

You catch anything?

LUKE

Nah. Apparently the fish went fishing also.

RORY

Too bad.

LUKE

Yeah, well. So that's the, uh...

RORY

Yeah.

LUKE

Does it hurt?

RORY

No, not really. Just itches a little.

LUKE

Yeah, I can imagine. Make sure you don't use a pencil.

RORY

Excuse me?

LUKE

Your arm... you know, when it itches. I broke my arm once – itching drove me crazy. Grabbed a pencil, shoved it down the cast to scratch, ya know...

RORY

Bad results?

LUKE

Bad results.

RORY

Got it. No pencils, I promise.

LUKE

Good. So, you want some coffee?

RORY

Sure.

LUKE

Where's your mom tonight?

RORY

At a party for my Grandpa.

LUKE

Oh, sounds nice. Grab yourself a donut.

RORY

So, have you heard from him?

LUKE

Oh, no. I talked to his mom, though. He got home okay.

RORY

Good, that's good.

LUKE

Yeah, good.

RORY

What about his stuff?

LUKE

Oh, I'm gonna send it.

RORY

Right, makes sense. Luke?

LUKE

Yeah?

RORY

It wasn't his fault.

LUKE

I know it wasn't.