T2E21: “Lorelai’s Graduation Day”

RORY

Where is this place?

LORELAI

It’s not too far.

RORY

You've been saying that for miles.

LORELAI

It has not been miles.

RORY

My feet are sore.

LORELAI

Hey, Tonto, when did you become older than me?

RORY

Just tell me what this new breakfast place is and then I'll be quiet.

LORELAI

It's an amazing new mystery place that I found and that's all I'm telling ya.

RORY

Just tell me if it's in this town or the next.

LORELAI

We don't patronize the next town.

RORY

Since when?

LORELAI

I don’t know, didn't they feed lead to our jumping frog or something?

RORY

Oh yeah, right after they stoned the woman who won the lottery.

LORELAI

See, so the boycott’s legit.

LANE

[runs up behind them] Hey, wait, stop!

LORELAI

Oh look, it's Michael Landon.

LANE

Oh my God, you guys walk fast. I've been chasing you for the past two blocks.

RORY

Hey, we were being followed.

LORELAI

I told you I wasn't just being paranoid. Maybe next time you’ll take me seriously when I tell you furniture moved itself.

LANE

Where are you guys going?

RORY

Mystery breakfast.

LANE

Out of town?

LORELAI

Does no one remember the definition of the word mystery?

LANE

Sorry, I was just wondering if it's okay to practice on your pots and pans again this morning?

LORELAI

It's not like they have any other use.

LANE

Thanks. I've almost nailed the fill in the Ramble On. I just have to stop hitting my face with the sticks when I pull my arms back.

RORY

John Bonham had that same problem.

LORELAI

Key’s in the turtle.

LANE

Enjoy your mystery breakfast. [walks away]

LORELAI

Come on, it's not much farther.

RORY

We're not heading toward any businesses of any kind. [Lorelai stops walking] What?

LORELAI

We have arrived.

RORY

Arrived where? [looks up] Aw, you are without shame.

RORY

Sookie, you do not have to do this.

SOOKIE

What do you mean? Feeding my girls, making them happy, I love doing this.

LORELAI

Yeah, so feel the love and pass the salt.

RORY

It makes me feel guilty.

LORELAI

Eating can help drown that.

SOOKIE

Yeah, yeah, eat, eat. I'm gonna eat.

RORY

Gee, can the help sit at the table too?

LORELAI

As long as they don't sing folk songs or tell bawdy stories. Hey, what's with Narcoleptic Nate over there?

SOOKIE

He's not much of a morning person.

LORELAI

Now say, ‘I can't believe I ate the whole thing.’

SOOKIE

It takes him about an hour to become Jackson.

LORELAI

Ooh, hey, I had a good idea for the wedding.

SOOKIE

Cool.

LORELAI

Instead of those little wrapped things with Jordan Almonds at every place setting, what if we wrap up a few aspirin?

SOOKIE

Aspirin?

LORELAI

For the morning after hangovers.

SOOKIE

That's funny.

LORELAI

‘Cause Jordan Almonds are so done. Huh, Jackson what do you think – aspirin over almonds?

LORELAI

Can we take that as a yes?

SOOKIE

No. See, everything eventually registers. He'll chime in on this in a couple of days.

RORY

Days?

SOOKIE

Days.

LORELAI

Hey, is Jackson in the house? Let me here you say unh.

JACKSON

Unh.

LORELAI

A new toy.

RORY

Shameless.

RORY

How's it going?

LORELAI

I hate these books, hate them.

RORY

Now now.

LORELAI

Agh! See that? They're trying to escape – they hate me, too.

RORY

Your books don't hate you.

LORELAI

Ugh, Rory, my brain is full. It has reached capacity. It's Shea Stadium when the Beatles played. It’s cramped and girls are screaming and I think

RORY

You have a very active head.

LORELAI

I simply cannot ingest anymore information.

RORY

So take a break.

LORELAI

I don't have time.

RORY

Close your eyes, clear your head.

LORELAI

No, because clearing my head just means that all the knowledge I have painstakingly stuffed in there will leak out. In order to make room for stuff, I lose stuff. It's a very vicious circle.

RORY

I'll make some coffee.

LORELAI

I hate finals.

RORY

Nobody likes finals.

LORELAI

Thank God I'm graduating and this is the last time I have to cram like this because my pursuit of higher education has led me to a very interesting discovery about myself. Do you wanna hear it?

RORY

Sure.

LORELAI

I despise academics. Yup, learning, knowledge, it's all worthless. I have no idea in what you see in any of it.

RORY

Learning is fun, plus for me there's that whole "I'm a minor so it's mandatory" thing.

LORELAI

That's what kills me – this is self-inflicted. I'm a masochist. I might as well be carrying a switch and periodically lacerating myself with it.

RORY

That diploma hanging on the wall is going to make this all worthwhile, trust me.

LORELAI

I guess, unless I turn into John Nash and start drooling on people.

RORY

Hey, you're graduating.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

No, you're graduating – there is gonna be a ceremony.

LORELAI

Oh, I don't know. It's community college.

RORY

Well, community colleges have ceremonies.

LORELAI

My community college doesn't even have a lawn, they won't necessarily have a ceremony

RORY

They must. Did you ask?

LORELAI

No. Well, now that you mention it, I think someone said something about some cheesy ceremony for my business class.

RORY

When is it?

LORELAI

I don't know. . .next Thursday or something.

RORY

That's great, you have to do it.

LORELAI

I don't know.

RORY

You have to do it.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

Yes. You've never been apart of an actual graduation ceremony.

LORELAI

I know. That's because my stupid conservative high school wouldn't let me be in the ceremony and nurse you at the same time.

RORY

Don't be gross.

LORELAI

Do you really think I should do it?

RORY

Yes! You've worked hard for this, you've earned it.

LORELAI

I guess.

RORY

Come on, you know that deep down you really want to do this.

LORELAI

Well, I'll admit, I've always wanted to wear one of those gowns.

RORY

And the hat?

LORELAI

For the tassel ‘cause you know my thing for fringe.

RORY

And they call out your name and people clap and you get your diploma.

LORELAI

Oh, and then you do that thing where you move the tassel from one side to the other – very symbolic, very dramatic.

RORY

That's it, you're doing it.

LORELAI

All right, if you insist.

RORY

Okay, who do you wanna invite?

LORELAI

I don't know, you.

RORY

And?

LORELAI

That's cool with me.

RORY

Sookie and Jackson?

LORELAI

Aw, that’ll be fun.

RORY

Okay. And Grandma and Grandpa?

LORELAI

Oh, no. No no no.

RORY

Come on, it's your graduation. They should be there.

LORELAI

Forget it.

RORY

But --

LORELAI

They won't want to be there.

RORY

Of course they will.

LORELAI

Rory, I was supposed to graduate from high school. Go to Vassar. Marry a Yale man and get myself a proper nickname like Babe or Bunny or Shih Tzu.

RORY

Yes but --

LORELAI

Instead, I got pregnant. I didn't finish high school, I didn't marry your father and I ended up in a career that apparently Jessica Hahn would think was beneath her.

RORY

That's not - .

LORELAI

I humiliated them. The two proudest people in the world and I humiliated them. I spoiled their plans. I took their fine upbringing in a world of comfort and opportunity and I threw it in their faces. I broke their hearts and they'll never forgive me. I guess I can't expect them to.

RORY

Maybe you're wrong about how they feel about all this. It was a long time ago.

LORELAI

Rory, I don't want them to go. It’ll just hurt them. . .and me, okay?

RORY

Okay. You should get back to your studying.

LORELAI

Fine. Oh, great.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I think I've already forgotten everything I read in the last two hours.

RORY

No, you haven't.

LORELAI

Yes, I have. In fact, I may have forgotten everything that I've ever known. Child, what be your name?

RORY

Study.

LORELAI

Just explain the concept one more time.

DEAN

And be mocked again? No, thank you.

RORY

Come on.

LORELAI

Yeah, maybe we're missing something.

DEAN

Okay, you go to a special shooting range –

RORY

A skeet shooting range.

DEAN

Right. There's two of you and the guy with the gun yells "Pull!" and then the other guy releases a clay pigeon from a machine into the air and so you try to shoot it.

LORELAI

No, I don't think we're missing anything.

DEAN

Yeah, I knew it.

RORY

You shoot pigeons?

DEAN

Clay pigeons.

LORELAI

When you hit them, does blood come out?

DEAN

They're clay.

RORY

And why do you like to do this?

DEAN

I don't know. My dad shot skeet when he was my age and so he wants to pass the tradition down.

LORELAI

What if you accidentally hit a real pigeon?

RORY

Yeah, does that count?

DEAN

That's never happened.

LORELAI

What if a clay pigeon hits a real pigeon, does that count?

RORY

Yeah, does that count?

DEAN

I've only done this once.

LORELAI

Hey, if you get really good, do you move on to other animals like clay chickens and clay sheep?

DEAN

You know, we didn't go skeet shooting, I just made it all up.

LORELAI

[stops in front of the market] Oh, hey, I gotta go in here.

RORY

Oh, what do you need?

LORELAI

Just general stuff. You guys go and be in love.

RORY

I'll see you back at the house.

DEAN

Bye.

RORY

What if you shoot the person who throws the pigeon up in the air? Would that count?

LUKE

Oh.

LORELAI

Dah.

LUKE

Sorry.

LORELAI

No, no, I should have signaled or honked or something, my fault.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

Well, um, I guess it was inevitable us running into each other. It's a very tiny community.

LUKE

Guess so.

LORELAI

How's the diner?

LUKE

It's still there.

LORELAI

Yes, I knew that. I'm able to empirically with my eyes, uh. . .Hey Luke, do you think we could –

LUKE

I gotta get back.

LORELAI

Okay, right, right.

EMILY

I'll get it.

RORY

Hi Grandma.

EMILY

Hello Rory.

RORY

Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.

EMILY

I'm thrilled to see you on no notice. So, tell me, what's this about? You were so mysterious on the phone.

RORY

I just wanted to talk to you about something in person.

EMILY

Well, come in, come in.

RORY

Wow.

EMILY

It's an English tea service. One the advantages of our having an English maid. That, and the fact that she speaks English.

RORY

You didn't have to do this.

EMILY

But it's tea time and I wanted to. . .oh no! Beatrice, I told you to doily line the plates!

RORY

You don't have to doily line the plates.

RICHARD

[calls from another room] Hello?

EMILY

We're in the dining room.

RICHARD

Oh, oh, Rory, you're already here.

RORY

You're out of breath.

RICHARD

I ran over from the office.

RORY

Oh, you didn't have to run.

RICHARD

Well, your grandmother said you had something to discuss with us. That certainly justifies a run.

EMILY

All right, everybody, sit, sit. Pour the tea, Beatrice.

RORY

Um, actually, Beatrice, could you hold off on pouring the tea for just a minute? Thank you very much. Grandma, Grandpa, I would like to propose an idea to you. Now, you can go for it or not, it's entirely up to you, but I would like for you to promise me that you will not get upset.

EMILY

We won't get upset.

RORY

And that you will try to keep an open mind.

EMILY

All right.

RORY

And that you will let me finish my presentation completely before you respond.

EMILY

[to Richard] She's been hanging around you far too much.

RICHARD

Rory, we accept your terms. Please proceed.

RORY

Thank you. First, let me start by saying that Mom doesn't know that I'm here. She’d probably be pretty mad if she knew that I was, but I feel that this is important. As you know, Mom’s been going to business school at the community college out here for three years now.

EMILY

I believe she's mentioned it.

RORY

Well, she's doing very well and she's finishing up. Actually, she's graduating Thursday, and there's going to be a ceremony and I think it would mean a lot to her if you guys were there. It may not seem like it would, but it's true.

EMILY

Well, if it would mean so much to her then why didn't she invite us herself?

RORY

Because she didn't think you’d wanna go. And I get that, but I think it's a mistake. I had a school thing once, and I wasn't sure if Mom would want to go so I didn't invite her. It was my kindergarten "Salute to Vegetables" pageant and I was broccoli and I did a tap dance with a guy that was playing beets and the entire number I was just thinking, "Mom's not here" and it was my fault that she wasn't there and, well, it was kind of a life lesson for me. Now, if the thought of going to Mom's graduation upsets you or makes you unhappy or uncomfortable in any way, then, please, don't go because this is an important night for Mom and if you go, you should go under the right circumstances. [pulls an envelope out of her backpack] Those are the tickets. It's Thursday, 7pm. It's indoors so weather's not an issue. You can use them or not, no hard feelings, do what you feel is best. And if you don't mind, I would really appreciate it if you would keep this conversation between the three of us. That's all I have to say, thanks very much for your patience. Now, I believe I have time for a scone before my bus leaves.

EMILY

Beatrice, the tea, please.

RORY

Emily, these look delicious. So, Richard, how was your day today?

LORELAI

I am feeling so good, sista, because it's over! No more finals, no more studying, no more school, the pressure's off. Do you know how much pressure I felt, do you? All last week I felt like a giant man and his brother were sitting on my chest.

RORY

A giant man?

LORELAI

And his giant brother.

RORY

Did they have names?

LORELAI

Clem and Clem. Huh, same names, which did not reflect well on the imagination of their mothers.

RORY

Mother.

LORELAI

Mothers. There were two Clems.

RORY

Yeah, ‘cause they were brothers.

LORELAI

Yes, so they had mothers.

RORY

Okay, you're drawing me into your drunken world.

LORELAI

It's not a bad place to be, my friend. Mnh-mnh, tank's empty. [walks into the kitchen to get another drink]

RORY

Hey, what is this?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

This, uh, ‘Life Plan’ book thing.

LORELAI

A little gift for the grads from the happy people at Hartford Community College. Hey, how many margaritas is too many margaritas?

RORY

Um, if you can't remember where the living room is.

LORELAI

Ha ha, I'm still good. [walks back into living room]

RORY

Okay, here's an interesting question for you – "Have you given any thought to how children will work into your future plans?"

LORELAI

Oh, well, uh, they're not gonna stand in my way, that's for sure. I mean, I plan to have some, of course, but I'm just gonna knock 'em out and, uh, have Nanny catch 'em and care for 'em, make sure Mick Jagger doesn't come anywhere near ‘em and then just return ‘em to me when they're twenty-one.

RORY

Well, what about me?

LORELAI

You are my favorite eldest child, you get to stay by my side.

RORY

Oh, I feel so privileged.

RORY

I'll get it.

LORELAI

Hey, now, if that's Mick Jagger, hang up and blow that whistle I gave you.

RORY

[answers phone] Hello?

JESS

Hi. [pause] Hello?

RORY

Hi.

JESS

Is this a bad time?

RORY

Um, no, just hold on a sec? [to Lorelai] Um, the music. . . uh, I'll be right back. [Rory takes the phone to her room and closes the door.] Hi.

JESS

You said that already.

RORY

I did. You're right, sorry.

JESS

So, what's up?

RORY

Nothing. What about you?

JESS

Same.

RORY

So, what have you been doing?

JESS

Nothin' much. Just hanging out. . . in the park, mostly.

RORY

Central Park?

JESS

Washington Square Park.

RORY

Oh.

JESS

It's cooler.

RORY

Yes.

JESS

It's where David Lee Roth got busted.

RORY

Right, right. I hope he's got it together now.

JESS

Sounds like you got a party going on there.

RORY

No, it's just me and my mom.

JESS

Right. Okay, well, I'm gonna go. This is long distance.

RORY

Yeah, it is long distance.

JESS

So, see ya.

RORY

Yeah, see ya.

RORY

Mom?

LORELAI

Ahh!

RORY

What's wrong?

LORELAI

I'm experiencing frustration.

RORY

At the general state of things in the world or at something particular?

LORELAI

What do you wear to a graduation?

RORY

Cap and gown.

LORELAI

Duh, I mean underneath.

RORY

Whatever you want. The gown will cover it.

LORELAI

It's more complicated than that. I don't want to overdress so that I'm sweating if it's hot in the auditorium but if I don't have enough on and it's cold, then I'll freeze.

RORY

It is complicated, especially if you overthink it.

LORELAI

And now I need a helpful comment.

RORY

Take light layers. Wear your turquoise and tan dress that you just got that's cool and it'll look good without your gown on, and wear your turquoise vintagey sweater over it because it’ll look great with the dress and it'll keep you warm if it's cold in the auditorium.

LORELAI

You are a fashion genius.

RORY

Well, you've taught me everything I know.

LORELAI

My brain's not working today.

RORY

You're excited, it's a big day.

LORELAI

What time are you getting there?

RORY

I have a bunch of newspaper stuff after school, but no later than six.

LORELAI

And then we'll go out to eat after?

RORY

Any place you want, and it's on me.

LORELAI

You don't have to do that.

RORY

You're the graduate. You get to be pampered.

LORELAI

Okay, then I would like to go to Chateau Jean Georges la Jean Georges in Paris.

RORY

I'll look it up in Zagats and book the Concorde. I gotta go.

LORELAI

Okay, I gotta get ready.

RORY

Wait, wait, I wanna see my little graduate one more time before the big event.

LORELAI

What do you think – do I look ready to make my way in the world?

RORY

Yes, and if all else fails, you can marry rich.

LORELAI

I love that we always have that option.

RORY

Hey, what are you gonna do with your hair?

LORELAI

I got the curling iron warming up.

RORY

Mom, the cap! You put it on, its gonna --

BOTH

- smush the curls down.

LORELAI

You are a genius.

RORY

See you tonight

LORELAI

Hey, try to seat us next to a celebrity on the Concorde, like Sting or Screech or someone.

RORY

I'll try.

PARIS

So I told her, "Look missy--"

RORY

You called your advisor "Missy"?

PARIS

It was attitudinal. I said I'm not taking AP calculus from Henemen. I'm going with Branch. Branch is a graduate of MIT and Henemen went to Berkley. Berkley! I mean, he may have majored in math but what did he minor in? Bean sprouts? Forget it. And I'm telling my advisor all this, Mrs. Schlosser, and I looked down in her trash can and there’s this half-eaten banana in there. Nothing else. And I pictured her sitting in the shoe box of an office eating a banana all by herself and I almost felt sorry for her, but then she questioned my judgment about Berkley so I eviscerated her. I mean, she was welling up at the end, but she had the decency to hold it in until I was gone. I have enough faculty recommendations to run for student council, so I don't need her anyway. My locker’s this way.

SOOKIE

Are they closed?

LORELAI

They're closed.

SOOKIE

Are you sure?

LORELAI

I'm sure.

SOOKIE

Okay, one second and open, open, open.

LORELAI

Aw, you made me a tassel hat cake!

SOOKIE

Filled with two pounds of crushed chocolate-covered espresso beans.

LORELAI

You're evil.

SOOKIE

And you're graduating.

LORELAI

Yes I am, aren't I?

SOOKIE

Here. Oh, hey, I brought those pictures you wanted to see of my high school graduation.

LORELAI

Hand them over, lady.

SOOKIE

Okay, but don't laugh.

LORELAI

I promise.

SOOKIE

I was younger then, not as refined.

LORELAI

Ha, and you’re stoned.

SOOKIE

Totally.

LORELAI

I thought you hated that.

SOOKIE

It was peer pressure. At my school, if Gilbert Garcia offered you a toke, you took it or took off.

LORELAI

Well, I think Gilbert had a snappy slogan.

SOOKIE

Oh, I was nauseous all day.

LORELAI

Your parents?

SOOKIE

For the traditional parents-flanking-their-graduate shot. Don't they look proud?

LORELAI

They do, very proud.

MICHEL

What is that?

LORELAI

Oh, it's pictures of Sookie's high school graduation. What was your high school graduation like, Michel?

MICHEL

It was dignified, as most French ceremonies are. Poetry was read, a string quartet played, a ballerina performed.

LORELAI

You drank some Boone's Farm out of a boda bag and knocked a beach ball around?

MICHEL

I don't understand half of what you said.

LORELAI

That's why we work.

LORELAI

[answers] Hello?

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, Lor, how you doing?

LORELAI

Christopher. I'm good, I'm excited.

CHRISTOPHER

You should be, it's a big day. Did you get my present?

LORELAI

What present?

CHRISTOPHER

A basket. You should've gotten it by now.

LORELAI

Hey, did a basket come for me?

MICHEL

Mm, it came, it was heavy, I felt a twinge so I dropped it for health reasons. It's probably still intact.

LORELAI

My crack staff has just informed me of its arrival. I'm going to find it. [walks into the lobby and sees the basket on a table] Wow!

CHRISTOPHER

I put it together myself.

LORELAI

And it's all for me?

CHRISTOPHER

All for you.

LORELAI

Chris. . wow. [starts looking through the basket] Ha! A twenty-five dollar savings bond.

CHRISTOPHER

That's a long-term investment. Don't touch it for thirty years, you're looking at forty-five dollars.

LORELAI

Ooh, a youth hostel card.

CHRISTOPHER

For the young girl who doesn't mind sharing a bathroom with fifty strangers.

LORELAI

"What Color Is Your Parachute? A Practical Manual for Job Hunters."

CHRISTOPHER

Helping you answer the two questions: what do you want to do and where do you want to do it?

LORELAI

A DVD of The Graduate, gotta have that. Ooh, The Portable Nietzsche.

CHRISTOPHER

Light, cheery reading.

LORELAI

An application to join the Armed Forces.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, if your dreams don't pan out and Nietzsche's no help, it's a viable option.

LORELAI

And something in a nice little velvet box. Ooh, a necklace, and the pearl almost looks real.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, it better look very real, because it is.

LORELAI

That's not funny.

CHRISTOPHER

This is not a funny gift.

LORELAI

Christopher, this is extremely not funny. This is totally humorless. It's. . .it's beautiful.

CHRISTOPHER

I think you're awesome, Lor. With everything you do and raising Rory the way you did, you're superwoman.

LORELAI

Wow.

CHRISTOPHER

Have a great day. I wish I could be there. Take lots of pictures for me.

LORELAI

Ugh, the camera, I forgot the camera.

CHRISTOPHER

Look in the basket.

LORELAI

[pulls out a disposable camera] Oh, you thought of everything.

CHRISTOPHER

Have a great night.

LORELAI

Thanks, you too. Bye.

RORY

Could you. . .um, excuse me, sir, do you know. . . do you know where Washington. . .excuse me, ma’am. . .Washington Square Park?

WOMAN

End of Fifth.

RORY

Thank you! [to someone else] Excuse me, where's Fifth?

RORY

Hi.

JESS

How ya doing?

RORY

Good, how about you?

JESS

Good. You hungry?

RORY

Starved.

JESS

I know a place.

RORY

I feel very urban today.

JESS

Oh yeah, the plaid just screams urban.

RORY

I think I look like a native.

JESS

How well do you know Manhattan?

RORY

I've been here a few times. We saw The Bangles here.

JESS

When was that, twenty years ago?

RORY

It was a reunion and they were great.

JESS

Yeah, they're okay.

RORY

And a couple years ago Mom drove us in to shop, and she couldn't find a good parking place and all of the parking lots were a total rip-off, so she kept making U-turns and cutting off taxis and we were being screamed at in so many different languages that we just turned around and drove home and bought a Hummel at the curio store in Stars Hollow.

JESS

How very adventurous.

RORY

I'm just saying I'm no stranger to the Big Apple.

JESS

You are if you're calling it the Big Apple.

RORY

So I don't have the lingo down yet, but at least I have the attitude.

JESS

You do, huh?

RORY

Oh yeah. When I was getting a locker for my backpack at the bus stop, there was this guy and he was just standing there staring at me and instead of ignoring him I just fixed him with a really withering stare.

JESS

That I've got to see.

RORY

No.

JESS

Oh, come on, let me see your withering stare.

RORY

It's dangerous. I could hurt you.

JESS

I've been hurt before.

RORY

No.

JESS

I'm disappointed. So your arm's okay?

RORY

Yeah, it looks worse than it is.

JESS

[Looks at Rory's cast.] I like this Emily chick. Friend of yours?

RORY

She's a friend to all of us dispossessed.

JESS

So here's our lunch place.

RORY

A hot dog stand?

JESS

Hey, I eat here everyday. It's nothing fancy, but -

RORY

No, I love it. It's perfect.

JESS

Good. [to hot dog vendor] One with everything on it.

RORY

Make that two, please.

JESS

So, uh. . .how's -

RORY

Luke?

JESS

Yeah.

RORY

Okay. He went fishing.

JESS

Fishing?

RORY

Yeah. He didn't catch anything though.

JESS

Probably used the wrong bait.

RORY

Yeah, that's a common fishing blunder.

JESS

So he's good?

RORY

Yeah, he's good. I can tell him hello for you if you want.

JESS

Whatever.

RORY

[to hot dog vendor] Thank you. [takes a bite] Oh, my God, this is really good!

JESS

I’m glad you like it. So how much time you got?

RORY

I got a bit.

JESS

There's a record store you should check out. It's run by this insane freak who's like a walking encyclopedia for every punk and garage-band record ever made. Catalog numbers. . .it’s crazy. The place is right out of High Fidelity.

RORY

Let's go.

JESS

Okay.

RORY

Where you going?

JESS

Subway.

RORY

I thought we were gonna walk.

JESS

It's fifteen blocks. Come on, I think you'll like it.

RORY

Do they allow hot dogs in the subway?

JESS

You are so an out-of-towner.

LORELAI

Excuse me, hi, I'm one of the graduates.

MAN

Wow, you're hours early.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, I just wanted to beat traffic and have time to get ready and relax, and also, I’ve heard the early bird gets the unwrinkled gowns without the mysterious stains in them.

MAN

This is true. Take your pick.

LORELAI

Thank you. This is so exciting. Isn't this exciting?

MAN

This is my eighth year of doing this.

LORELAI

So, not so exciting for you, got it.

LORELAI

Huh.

EMILY

[to cameraman] You're being so cryptic. Do you need a power source or not?

RAUL

Look, my batteries are all fully charged. It just depends on how fast they deplete.

EMILY

So, we need one just in case?

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

Lorelai, it's hours before the ceremony. What are you doing here?

LORELAI

Um, I'm just getting. . .I’m sorry, what are you doing here? How do you even know about this?

EMILY

I shouldn't know about this? A mother can't know about this?

LORELAI

No, I just mean -

EMILY

You're graduating.

LORELAI

I know.

EMILY

So, we're here to see you graduate. This is Raul.

LORELAI

Hey. So, you and Raul are just here to see me graduate?

EMILY

Don't be silly. Your father will be joining me later.

LORELAI

My father?

EMILY

Yes, remember him? Tall, bow tie.

LORELAI

I remember Dad, Mom. I just. . .ah, Rory told you.

EMILY

Yes. That's okay, isn't it? It's a little late if it's not.

LORELAI

Oh, no, it's perfectly fine that you're here, absolutely. I'm just surprised. [to Raul] Who are you?

RAUL

I'm Raul.

EMILY

I just told you that.

LORELAI

Yes, well, did Rory invite Raul, too?

EMILY

Raul is my cameraman.

LORELAI

Cameraman?

EMILY

He's going to be filming the ceremony for us. He's very talented. He screened an independent film of his as an audition, "Welcome to Scab Land."

RAUL

It was supposed to be disgusting.

LORELAI

I'm sure it was. Mom, all this stuff. . .

MAN

Excuse me, all of this equipment, it can't be here.

EMILY

Well, obviously we're not going to leave all of this equipment here for everybody to trip over. We're not cretins.

LORELAI

She's handling it. Right, Mom? You're handling it.

RAUL

Okay, this lighting sucks!

EMILY

Can we do something about the lighting?

MAN

I don't think so, ma'am. I don't know.

EMILY

[to Raul] It's a community college, we'll just have to cope. Think documentary.

LORELAI

Mom, please. People will be showing up here soon. You can’t --

EMILY

Lorelai, I am perfectly capable of handling this. No one will be inconvenienced.

LORELAI

Okay, I'm just gonna let everyone deal with all this because I need to relax and get a cup of coffee and maybe hammer a nail into my head.

EMILY

You're not needed here, Lorelai. Go get your coffee, relax. You're going to redo your makeup later, aren't you?

LORELAI

Maybe an Irish coffee.

JESS

I haven't even heard of half these bands.

RORY

I love that about this place. God, Lane would wanna live here.

JESS

Who's Slim?

RORY

I don't know.

OWNER

Grunge band out of Kentucky. Two albums, plus a double-A side single, disbanded in '94.

JESS

Thanks.

RORY

[looks through the records] Oh my God!

JESS

What?

RORY

Look! [shows him a record]

JESS

Go-go's. You must have that one.

RORY

No, for my mom. This was her favorite group when she was my age, and it's signed by Belinda. This would be the perfect graduation present. I've been looking for something all week long, and I couldn't find anything and now I have Belinda.

JESS

Graduation?

RORY

Oh, from college, from business classes.

JESS

I'm surprised she has time for anything except lighting darts on fire and throwing them at my picture.

RORY

Well, it's not a lot of time, but . . .

JESS

Uh-huh. Go on, get it. She'll like it.

RORY

Thank you so much for bringing me here. This was fate.

JESS

Yes, it was.

RORY

And in return, I just might show you my withering stare.

JESS

I'm a lucky man.

RORY

I think this one's mine.

JESS

Yup, the sign says Boonesville.

TOURIST

Excuse me, I'm so sorry to bother you. Which way is 44th?

RORY

Oh, um, that way.

TOURIST

Great, thanks.

RORY

I got asked directions.

JESS

I saw.

RORY

He took me for a native. That's so cool.

JESS

That's very impressive. 44th's the other way.

RORY

Oh no.

JESS

Sorry.

RORY

Oh, man, I should go find him.

JESS

He'll figure it out when he sees all the numbers getting smaller instead of bigger.

RORY

He still thought I was a native. That's cool.

JESS

I'm your witness.

RORY

Well, I should go.

JESS

Okay.

RORY

I gotta go to my mom's graduation.

JESS

And give her Belinda.

RORY

And give her Belinda.

JESS

Go on. I'll check on the guy, I’ll make sure he's not wandering around looking for 44.

JESS

Why did you come here?

RORY

What?

JESS

I said, why did you come here?

RORY

Well -

JESS

I mean, you ditched school and everything. That's so not you. Why'd you do it?

RORY

Because you didn't say goodbye.

JESS

Oh. Bye, Rory.

RORY

Bye, Jess.

LORELAI

Great, I'm Woody Allen in Annie Hall.

LIZA

You thought ahead. Smart.

LORELAI

Oh, the mirror? Yeah, I never leave home without all the essentials: mirror, makeup, picture of Shaun Cassidy. I'm done. Do you want to use it?

LIZA

Thanks. Oh, don't I look charming?

LORELAI

Oh, you look great.

LIZA

I've looked better. I had to run here straight from work -- Kinko's.

ZACH

Hey, Liza, that gets me thinking – maybe you and I oughta do a little reproducing after the ceremony.

LIZA

Clever.

ZACH

Don't be a snot.

LIZA

Shut up! [to Lorelai] That's my boyfriend, Zach.

LORELAI

Oh, sure.

LIZA

Of course, we're breaking up 'cause we're transferring to different schools. He's going to Florida State, I'm going to UMass. . .although I'm kinda going to miss this place.

ZACH

I'm not. This place stunk. It's Bush League.

LORELAI

Why'd you go here?

ZACH

My parents, wise investors that they are, couldn't afford anything else.

LIZA

Yeah, I guess that two-point-zilch grade point average didn't reason into things.

ZACH

Shut up.

LIZA

Between the lines.

ZACH

Go die.

LORELAI

Are you sure you two don't wanna give it another go, 'cause you're darling together.

LIZA

Thanks for the mirror.

LORELAI

My pleasure.

LIZA

Hey, a bunch of us are going to Shakey's afterwards for a pizza. You wanna come?

LORELAI

Aw, I'm going out with my daughter after, but it sounds like fun.

ZACH

Okay, you guys are not going to believe this. There's some blue-blooded rich woman out there setting up professional film equipment like she's shooting a movie or something.

LORELAI

You're kidding.

LIZA

Whose mother is it?

ZACH

I don't know. Little Precious must be around here somewhere though.

LIZA

I hate people with money.

ZACH

So do I, with every fiber of my being.

LORELAI

Me too. Money people, ugh.

RORY

Excuse me?

DRIVER

Yes?

RORY

Are we leaving soon?

DRIVER

I have no idea.

RORY

Well, should you have an idea?

DRIVER

There was an accident, closed the interstate. All outbound buses were told to stand down.

RORY

Oh. And you don't know when we're going to be allowed to stand up again?

DRIVER

Soon, I hope. I hate missing dinner.

RORY

Yeah. . .me, too.

SOOKIE

There's our little graduate. Oh, my God, look at that gown. You look just like the Statue of Liberty.

LORELAI

Ah, all big and stony?

SOOKIE

No, you look amazing.

LORELAI

Hmm. You look very G.Q.

JACKSON

Oh, thanks to my best new friend Ermenegildo Zegna.

SOOKIE

Don't you love how he can pronounce it and all?

LORELAI

Very Cosmopolitan.

SOOKIE

He got it for the rehearsal dinner. It's his first real suit.

JACKSON

And not my last. I look hot!

LORELAI

Mmm.

SOOKIE

So, you know that Emily's out there, right?

LORELAI

Oh, shh!

SOOKIE

Why shh?

LORELAI

It's a long story. Just do me a favor?

SOOKIE

Sure.

LORELAI

Keep an eye on my parents, make sure they don't disrupt anything, my mother doesn't behead anyone, my father doesn't snore too loudly when he falls asleep.

SOOKIE

They're not gonna do anything like that.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, have you not met them?

SOOKIE

Why would they come and do that?

LORELAI

They're here because Rory invited them.

SOOKIE

No.

LORELAI

Yes! They can't say no to that little face. It's like hitting a puppy with a rolled-up newspaper.

ZACH

Hey, you guys are not gonna believe this.

LIZA

You're Mr. Announcement Guy today.

ZACH

What, are you going to pipe in every time I talk?

LIZA

Can it!

ZACH

Stuff it!

LORELAI

They're in love.

SOOKIE

Clearly.

ZACH

So, Mrs. Got Bucks out there not only has a cameraman, she's got a sound guy, too.

LORELAI

[quietly] Oh, no.

ZACH

It's like a Baz Luhrmann movie out there.

SOOKIE

[quietly] That's Emily, right?

LORELAI

Shh!

LIZA

Rich people feel so entitled.

LORELAI

Yeah, damn them!

ZACH

I swear, I saw her wipe her face with a hundred dollar bill.

LORELAI

We should line ‘em up against a wall, you know what I'm saying?

WOMAN

Is Lorelai Gilmore here?

LORELAI

Yes.

WOMAN

Oh, good. Have a look at these, will you? [shows her a box of corsages]

LORELAI

Wow!

SOOKIE

Pretty.

WOMAN

Look them over and take your pick.

LORELAI

What for?

WOMAN

To wear.

LORELAI

Are they for sale?

WOMAN

No, they're paid for. These are from your mother, Emily Gilmore.

LIZA

Wow, ritzy.

LORELAI

I really don't want to wear a corsage.

WOMAN

They're all paid for.

LORELAI

Really, it's too much.

WOMAN

Your mother wants you to pick one.

LORELAI

Really, it's okay.

WOMAN

She'll just come back here herself.

LORELAI

This one, thanks.

WOMAN

Good choice. The cameraman said that would look best on film.

ZACH

So you're the rich girl.

LORELAI

Maybe. I'm not rich but . . .my parents have money, but I'm totally self-sufficient. I take nothing from them, except this corsage. . .and my daughter's tuition. So, you gonna stone me?

ZACH

I should have guessed. Look at her friends, they're wearing suits that drip money.

JACKSON

Hey pal, this was thirty percent off!

LIZA

So, that's why you didn't want to get pizza, 'cause it's below you?

LORELAI

Oh, no, no, no, Liza, pizza is not below me. Believe me, I love pizza. I eat tons of pizza. It's one of my four major food groups: candy, popcorn, and pizza – see? It's two of my food groups, that's how much I love pizza.

LIZA

I want to believe you.

ZACH

Enjoy your champagne and caviar at The Ritz, Your Highness.

LORELAI

I am not rich! Ugh! [Pager beeps] My pager.

JACKSON

Maybe the suit was a little much.

SOOKIE

You're a fox, now don't start.

LORELAI

[reads pager] Oh, no.

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

Rory's running late.

SOOKIE

Late from what?

LORELAI

It doesn't say. It says she's definitely going to be here but if she's not here by seven, she'll sneak in the back. That's weird.

SOOKIE

She'll be here, don't worry.

LORELAI

I hope so.

SOOKIE

How 'bout we sit in back, keep an eye out for her, and we'll save her a seat?

LORELAI

That'd be great. Oh, can you hang onto all my stuff for me? I don't want to leave it in here.

SOOKIE

Will do.

LORELAI

Thank you. Bye.

ZACH

Oh, you don't trust your valuables around us poor kids, huh?

LORELAI

Knock it off, Zach!

SEATMATE

You don't look happy.

RORY

I'm late.

SEATMATE

Buses are the worst.

RORY

Why are we making so many stops? The bus didn't make stops on the way into the city.

SEATMATE

Oh, that was probably an express. This is a local – makes a lot of stops.

RORY

I should have checked the schedule. I should have checked traffic. Note to self: impulsive definitely does not work for me. [notices seatmate holding a soda can to his lips] What are you doing?

SEATMATE

Hmm? Oh, uh, it's for my spit.

RORY

Your what?

SEATMATE

From my smokeless.

SPEAKER

Victor David Fuller. . . Nancy Brenda Gatson. . .

ZACH

Making sure the camera's getting your best side, princess?

RICHARD

[whispers to Emily] Are you telling me that that is the best commencement speaker they could scrounge up?

EMILY

I hope Raul's getting enough shots of Lorelai. I don't want the whole damn ceremony and none of her.

RICHARD

Oh, no, I disagree. I hope he gets every inspired word articulated by the East Coast Marketing Director of Pup ‘n’ Taco.

EMILY

Raul!

SPEAKER

Joanne Garver...

LORELAI

Oh, geez. Oh, we're, oh, we’re going. . .

SPEAKER

John Lawrence Gilfer. . . Lorelai Victoria Gilmore. . . Gretchen Greeman. . .

LORELAI

Hey, Mom, Dad.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Well, I did it.

RICHARD

Yes.

EMILY

Raul thinks he got some good footage.

RICHARD

I should hope so. He certainly cost enough.

LORELAI

I'm sure it'll be great.

EMILY

Congratulations, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Thank you. I'm glad you guys came.

EMILY

Yes, well, we should get going. I guess we'll see you tomorrow for dinner. [they start to leave]

LORELAI

Hey, wait. Aren't we going to take a picture?

EMILY

Excuse me?

LORELAI

The three of us, me in the middle with the gown, you know – the traditional pose.

RICHARD

Well, uh, we don't have a camera with us.

LORELAI

Hold on. [pulls the disposable camera out of her pocket]

EMILY

That's a camera?

LORELAI

That's a camera.

RICHARD

That looks like a toy.

LORELAI

Um, Raul, would you mind? [they pose together] So. . .

RAUL

Okay, on the count of one, two, three, cheese! [takes picture]

LORELAI

Thank you.

EMILY

Yes, well, tomorrow then.

LORELAI

Absolutely.

EMILY

Let's go, Richard.

RICHARD

I'll be right there, Emily. [hands Lorelai an envelope] Congratulations.

LORELAI

Oh, you don't have to do this.

RICHARD

Put it towards something fun.

LORELAI

Thank you, Daddy.

SOOKIE

Hey, we're so proud of you!

JACKSON

Yeah, you were great up there.

LORELAI

Thanks, you guys. Where's Rory? No Rory?

SOOKIE

She called your cell and I answered and she said she got hung up on something or other and she'll see you at home.

LORELAI

Hung up? Hung up where? Is she okay?

SOOKIE

She said she's fine. She's sorry, but fine.

LORELAI

Oh. Well, as long as she's okay, I guess. Um, well, I should probably get the gown back. Thanks for coming, Sook, Marcus Schenkenberg.

SOOKIE

You wanna go out to eat? Celebrate a little?

LORELAI

No, I think I'll just go home to Rory.

SOOKIE

I thought so. See you tomorrow.

LORELAI

Thanks.

JACKSON

Wait a minute. . .aspirins instead of Jordan Almonds? But we already bought the almonds.

SOOKIE

Wow. Now that's the longest anything's ever taken.

JACKSON

My family's not gonna get the joke. Can't we just use the almonds?

SOOKIE

Okay, sweetie, calm down.

RORY

I'm so, so sorry.

LORELAI

You're okay, right?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Everything's working? Your wrist is okay, nothing new is broken?

RORY

I'm fine.

LORELAI

Anyone you know, like Lane or someone, suddenly get sick today or break an arm themselves or get in a car wreck?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Okay, good. Then I can get past worry and move onto other things.

RORY

I know you're hurt.

LORELAI

Yeah, you bet I'm hurt. Rory, I really wanted you there today, more than anything. You're why I did this stupid thing in the first place.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

It was a once in a lifetime thing. You should've been there. My best friend should've been there. Whatever it was that kept you, you should've gotten out of it, at least this once. Was it school?

RORY

It wasn't school.

LORELAI

Was it Paris?

RORY

It wasn't Paris.

LORELAI

Well, what was it?

RORY

It was so stupid.

LORELAI

Well, Rory, where were you? What happened?

RORY

I cut school!

LORELAI

You what?

RORY

I cut school and I got on a bus and I don't even know why I did it. I. . .I have no excuse. I was just standing outside of Chilton, and I don't know, I must have had a stroke or something. What does a stroke feel like?

LORELAI

I don't know. Not good, probably.

RORY

And I left school and I got on a bus and I went to New York. And that's it! I'm grounded for six months, or seven, and no TV, no stereo, no reading. In fact, take all of my books away from me and lock them up.

LORELAI

Hold on here. You went to New York?

RORY

And no magazines, either. And I'm going to do all of the housework. Laundry, dishes. . . in fact, we're going to start eating at home so that we have dishes.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Stop. Why did you go to New York?

RORY

To see Jess.

LORELAI

Boy, do you know how to bury the lead.

RORY

I don't know what happened.

LORELAI

You went to New York to see Jess.

RORY

It was the stroke! It made me someone else, and after his phone call last night -

LORELAI

That was him?

RORY

It did something to me, I don't know what. In fact, you should take the phone away from me, too. That's right, add it to the list. No books, no music, no phone.

LORELAI

Okay, Rory. . .

RORY

I'm a horrible person.

LORELAI

You're not a horrible person.

RORY

I am sick, I'm ill, I'm cracked. This is not who I am. If I were to write this down in my diary and I would read it, I would be like, Who is this freak? This isn't me. This isn't my diary. I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't skip school when I have finals coming up to go see a guy that isn't even my guy and end up missing my mother's graduation, which I wanted to be at so badly. That's someone else. That's someone flighty and stupid and dumb and girly. And, I mean, I missed your graduation, which is the worst thing I could have possibly done. I mean, I hurt you and I had to spend hours on a stinky bus next to a guy that was spitting into a can, just thinking about all of the minutes that were going by that I wasn't at your graduation and they were hurting you, and they should have been hurting you because it was so selfish of this person who wasn't me to do what she did.

LORELAI

Okay, my God, take a breath.

RORY

I don't deserve a breath. No breaths. You should add that to the list. You should beat me, ground me, take the phone away and deprive me of air.

LORELAI

Okay, look, nobody wants to say this any less than me, but I - maybe you don't have a medical condition or a mental problem. Maybe, honey, you are falling for Jess.

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Well -

RORY

No, I love Dean. Dean is my boyfriend. He will always be my boyfriend. That's it. Forever.

LORELAI

Well, maybe not forever.

RORY

Yes, forever. I love Dean and Jess is gone now and everything's going to be good again. Everything's going to be all right.

LORELAI

Rory, you cut school.

RORY

Yeah, I know.

LORELAI

You got on a bus and went to a strange city in your uniform to see Jess.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

Well, that doesn't mean nothing. That means something. I mean--

RORY

No! I don't want to talk about this anymore. The only thing I want to talk about is the list I made on the bus of all the ways I'm gonna make this up to you. You get total control over the remote and the stereo for as long as you want. Total control over takeout food choices and a special surprise present every day for a month and -- oh my God! I left your present on the bus.

LORELAI

What present?

RORY

It was a vinyl copy of The Go-Gos original album and it was signed by Belinda, but it's not the only copy and I'm gonna find another copy. That's going on the list, too.

LORELAI

Okay, honey, please. Forget about the list until tomorrow.

RORY

Okay, I'll just go to bed then and...I'll go to my room.

LORELAI

Hold on one second. Does this mean I have to eat alone?

RORY

Well, it's up to you. Sending me to bed without supper, you can't lose with that punishment. It's a classic.

LORELAI

I'd rather go out with my daughter tonight.

RORY

I don't deserve it.

LORELAI

No, but I do.

RORY

Okay, just let me take a shower and get the horrible smell of this horrible day off of me, and then we'll go anywhere you want, my treat, and I won't enjoy it. And then we'll come home and I'll go straight to bed and I'll have a terrible night's sleep, okay?

LORELAI

Sounds great.

RORY

I'm so, so sorry, Mom.

LORELAI

Oh, really? 'Cause you didn't make that clear.

RORY

I won't be long.