T2E22: “I Can’t Get Started”

SOOKIE

Huh?

LORELAI

Sookie, you’ve gotta be kidding.

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

You cannot walk down the aisle to that.

SOOKIE

Why?

LORELAI

It’s depressing.

SOOKIE

It’s Ella.

LORELAI

It’s morbid.

SOOKIE

It’s a classic song.

LORELAI

A classic song with lyrics about a woman who can’t make her relationship work, whose life is filled with emptiness and regret and pain.

SOOKIE

Oh, who listens to the lyrics?

LORELAI

Anybody not hanging out with Annie Sullivan by the water pump.

RORY

What are these?

SOOKIE

Oh, those are some alternative songs, but I really like this one the best.

LORELAI

Alternative songs, good. Let’s see. Hey Jude.

SOOKIE

Paul wrote it for Julian to cheer him up.

LORELAI

Seasons in the Sun?

SOOKIE

Oh, a sentimental favorite.

LORELAI

Cat’s in the Cradle?

SOOKIE

Oh, it makes you re-examine your priorities.

LORELAI

Don’t Cry Out Loud? Sookie, do you even like Jackson?

MICHEL

Okay, I have a wonderful suggestion.

LORELAI

Great, let’s hear it.

MICHEL

Okay, here we go. How about I leave?

LORELAI

And then do what?

MICHEL

That’s it. I leave and I don’t have to listen to this insanity anymore. What do you think, huh? Because I love it.

LORELAI

Michel, I am in the wedding, which means you have to run the wedding all by yourself, something you’ve never done before.

MICHEL

Oh, please.

RORY

I’ll tell you what, Sookie. How about Lane and I come up with a few more suggestions for you? Still melodic, but not quite as Girl, Interrupted.

SOOKIE

All right, fine.

LORELAI

Great. Michel, how’s the RSVP list coming?

MICHEL

Well, I must say this has been especially challenging for me. I mean, when you are talking about a wedding with up to forty people all living within a five mile radius, how can one person be expected to keep track of all of that?

LORELAI

Just an answer will do.

MICHEL

I mean, it got a little hairy there for a moment – I almost had to use a second sheet of paper, you know.

LORELAI

You know, I’m not gonna let you annoy me out of making you handle this.

MICHEL

Oh, we’ll see.

SOOKIE

Hey, my cousin Carl canceled so I have two empty seats. Anyone else you wanna invite?

RORY

I’ve got Lane, I’ve got Dean, I’m good.

SOOKIE

What about Emily and Richard?

LORELAI

Emily and Richard who?

SOOKIE

Your Emily and Richard.

LORELAI

Oh, Sookie, you are way too sweet.

SOOKIE

What? She went to all that trouble to help me plan the first phase of the wedding.

LORELAI

The crazy phase of the wedding.

SOOKIE

It was still sweet and I appreciated it. I mean, if it wasn’t for your mother, I never would’ve settled on the color pink.

LORELAI

Why is that?

SOOKIE

Well, I wanted yellow and she said no.

LORELAI

Oh, with logic like that.

SOOKIE

Come on, just ask her. I want you to.

LORELAI

Okay, I’ll ask her.

SOOKIE

Good.

LORELAI

What are you doing?

SOOKIE

It’s get happier the second time you hear it.

LORELAI

Unh.

SOOKIE

Huh? Snappier, isn’t it?

LORELAI

Huh. You know what I just realized? Oy is the funniest word in the entire world.

RORY

Huh.

LORELAI

I mean, think about it. You never hear the word oy and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.

EMILY

Oh, dear God.

LORELAI

Poodle is another funny word.

EMILY

Please drink your drink, Lorelai.

LORELAI

In fact, if you put oy and poodle together in the same sentence, you’d have a great new catch phrase, you know? Like, oy with the poodles already. So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catch phrase.

RORY

Oy with the poodles already.

LORELAI

I’m telling you, it’s knocking ‘whatcha talking ‘bout, Willis?’ right out of first place.

EMILY

Lorelai, for God’s sake, be quiet.

MAID

Dinner’s ready, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

Bless you, Inga. Please go tell Mr. Gilmore. He’s in his den.

MAID

Yes, ma’am.

EMILY

Shall we?

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Oh, hey Mom, uh, Sookie wanted to know if you and Dad would like to come to her wedding.

EMILY

Really?

LORELAI

Yeah, it’s gonna be great. Small, low key, but fun. She’s catering it herself so the food’ll be fantastic, and you’d get to see me and Rory walk down the aisle in two of the least obnoxious bridesmaid dresses ever created.

EMILY

Well, that sounds very nice. When is it?

LORELAI

A week from Sunday.

EMILY

A week from Sunday?

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

The wedding is in one week?

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

So this is a pity invite?

LORELAI

A what?

EMILY

Someone canceled at the last minute and rather than being left with two empty seats, Sookie asked you to ask us. How nice.

LORELAI

That’s not what happened.

EMILY

No, that’s quite all right. Far be it from me to be invited with the first batch of actual wanted guests. This is just fine.

LORELAI

Mom, it’s not a pity invite. She really wants you to come.

EMILY

Is that so?

LORELAI

Yes, that’s so.

EMILY

Where’s our invitation?

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Our invitation. I mean, she must’ve at least given you an invitation to give us.

LORELAI

She thought it would be more special coming directly from me.

EMILY

So she was out of invitations. I never felt so special.

LORELAI

Mom, she wants you to come. There’s no reason to be insulted here.

EMILY

I guess I should be thrilled that I didn’t just get a call from the road as you were on your way there.

LORELAI

Do not turn this into something that it’s not.

EMILY

Do we have a choice between chicken or fish, or at this point do we just bring our own?

LORELAI

Stop.

EMILY

Perhaps she would also like us to pick up some extra ice along the way, or help out parking the cars.

LORELAI

Mom, look, isn’t Rory pretty?

RICHARD

Apologies all around. I could not get Adamson off the phone.

LORELAI

Dad, glad you’re here. We’re just talking about how pretty Rory is. Big eyes, baby. Give him the Bambi face.

RICHARD

Oh, Rory gets lovelier every day.

RORY

Why, thank you, Grandpa.

EMILY

Oh Richard?

LORELAI

Oh my God.

EMILY

Guess what Lorelai just told me?

RICHARD

What?

EMILY

We are invited to Sookie’s wedding.

RICHARD

Oh, how nice. When is it?

EMILY

A week from Sunday.

RICHARD

Oh, so it’s a pity invite.

EMILY

Ha!

LORELAI

Oy with the poodles already.

RORY

How are your pancakes?

DEAN

Good.

RORY

Good or really good?

DEAN

Good.

RORY

So, not really good?

DEAN

Fine, really good.

RORY

Okay. But are they great?

DEAN

Rory, uh, would you perhaps like to trade breakfasts?

RORY

You mean, your pancakes for my eggs?

DEAN

Yup.

RORY

Um, okay. Wow, you’re crazy, these pancakes are great.

DEAN

That’s twelve.

RORY

Mm, two more and she’ll come in.

DEAN

I don’t know. She’s been walking back and forth out there for twenty minutes and she still hasn’t made it to the door.

RORY

Yeah, but look how much closer to the building she’s gotten.

DEAN

Why don’t we just bring her something out?

RORY

No. She and Luke have been in this fight for too long, she’s gotta do this.

DEAN

You’re cruel.

RORY

Tough love, baby. Oops, I think she’s coming in.

DEAN

How can you tell?

RORY

She’s got shoe sale face on.

LORELAI

Okay, I did it, I’m in.

RORY

Good girl.

LORELAI

It wasn’t so bad. Took awhile, but not so bad. Wait, why are you eating?

RORY

You took thirty minutes to come in.

LORELAI

But I’m here now and hey, I’m like cheese.

DEAN

What?

RORY

She gets better with time.

DEAN

Ah.

RORY

Sorry gouda, we’ve got school.

LORELAI

But –

RORY

Order breakfast and I’ll leave you the paper.

LORELAI

No, but –

RORY

I’ll see you tonight.

LORELAI

Dean, don’t leave me.

RORY

You’ll do fine. You’ll do fine.

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

Hello.

LORELAI

Oh, good donut selection this morning, really. Good variety, good color, good goodness, good . . . Well, so the choices are there. It all comes down to what I’m in the mood for. Sprinkled or chocolate or jelly or glazed, maple or kiki or apple or, uh, raised. Little donut rhyme there. Never mind. Can I have a chocolate and a sprinkled please?

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

So, this is how it’s gonna be with us now, huh?

LUKE

No idea what you’re talking about.

LORELAI

You’re pulling a Mr. Freeze on me.

LUKE

I’m not pulling a Mr. Freeze on you.

LORELAI

Please. I’m gonna need snow chains just to get out of here.

LUKE

I assume you want coffee with your donuts.

LORELAI

I’m sorry, Luke. It was a bad night. I completely freaked out. I said some things. . .did you get my note? I wrote you a note.

LUKE

Got your note.

LORELAI

You got my note. Did you read my note?

LUKE

Read your note.

LORELAI

And?

LUKE

It was very well-written

LORELAI

That’s it?

LUKE

I also enjoyed the Garfield stationary. That’s one funny cat.

LORELAI

I said I was sorry, Luke.

LUKE

Yes, you did.

LORELAI

I said it like a million times.

LUKE

You said it four times, but I understand you’re embellishing for dramatic effects.

LORELAI

Stop.

LUKE

Stop what?

LORELAI

Oh, stop this robot talk. If you’re mad, just act like you’re mad at me.

LUKE

I’m not mad at you.

LORELAI

You’re being really, really unfair. Rory was in the hospital.

LUKE

Lorelai, what is it exactly that you want me to do? I’m not mad, I’m not holding a grudge, I heard your apology, I feel I’m being polite, I listened to your donut bit, I got you your coffee. What would make you happy?

LORELAI

I want Luke back.

LUKE

He’s standing right here.

LORELAI

No, he’s not.

PARIS

Better drinking fountains, updated lockers, clearly marked boys’ and girls’ restrooms, non-dairy and wheat-free alternatives to the cafeteria, a larger voice in the monetary dispersal of charitable funds donated to our institution – because it is our institution, yours and mine. Remember people, if Chilton soars, we soar. If Chilton fails, we fail. It is up to us, we must get involved, we must care. It is not enough to sign a petition to get a Little Debbie machine installed in the senior corridor. Snack cakes will not change the world. Cream filling will not decide our legacy. How will future generations of Chilton students remember the class of 2003? John F. Kennedy once said, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. Those eloquent words are just as relevant to here in this hall today. What can you, the future of Chilton, of America, of the world, what can you do for your school? I will tell you what you can do. You can vote for me, Paris Gellar, for student body president, and let me start tomorrow for you today. Thank you.

MRS. O’MALLEY

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank Reese McGinly, Schatzi Leason and Paris Gellar, your presidential candidates for next year. Elections will be held this Friday. Good luck to all of you. This concludes today’s assembly. You are all dismissed.

PARIS

Hey.

RORY

Hey.

PARIS

Did you get the Little Debbie comment?

RORY

Uh huh.

PARIS

All of it? The cream filling, the snack cake?

RORY

Every delicious morsel.

PARIS

Good, good. So, how do you think it went?

RORY

I think it went fine.

PARIS

Fine, as is better than Reese and Schatzi?

RORY

Fine as in fine.

PARIS

Well, how are you skewing the article?

RORY

Well, you’ll have to wait and read about it in the Franklin like everyone else.

PARIS

Fine, write whatever you want.

RORY

I will.

PARIS

Just make sure you mention that Schatzi pulling the Sharon Stone/Basic Instinct bit was a cheap attempt to distract the whole student body from my mandatory recycling program.

RORY

Go away, Randolph.

MADELINE

We got it!

PARIS

[walks over to them] You do? Well, come on, tell me.

LOUISE

Okay, a hundred and fifty students were polled.

MADELINE

A total cross section.

LOUISE

We talked to people that we should never have even had to stand near.

MADELINE

The hairstyles alone proved the Farrelly brothers are not making this stuff up.

PARIS

I’m sorry, have I ever been mistaken for a patient person?

MADELINE

Right, sorry. Okay, so we added the votes up.

PARIS

You added?

MADELINE

She added.

PARIS

Good, continue.

MADELINE

Okay, when asked which of the three candidates is the most qualified for the job of president, ninety percent said you.

PARIS

Really?

LOUISE

And when asked who of the three candidates would be the most competent president, overwhelmingly the answer was once again you.

PARIS

So that’s it, I’m in.

MADELINE

Not quite.

PARIS

How is that not quite? Most competent and most qualified, what else is there?

LOUISE

Well, we also polled likability.

PARIS

And?

MADELINE

And while people think you’re smart. . .

PARIS

And competent.

LOUISE

And competent, they also find you, well, a tad. . .

MADELINE

Scary.

LOUISE

Someone thought a Halloween mask of you would sell big.

PARIS

Well, fine, they don’t like me. Big deal, right? I’m still most competent.

LOUISE

Yes, but when asked if the likability issue would affect their voting choice, almost a hundred percent said yes.

PARIS

That’s crazy. You mean, people would rather vote for a moronic twink who they liked over someone who could actually do the job?

LOUISE

Sad, but true.

PARIS

Well, what do I do?

MADELINE

Hope for a sex scandal?

PARIS

Louise?

LOUISE

Oh, I’m on it.

PARIS

Hey.

RORY

Tomorrow with everyone else.

PARIS

So, I have been wracking my brains for weeks trying to figure out exactly who should be my vice presidential candidate, you know? Who would be yin to my yang, Joel to my Ethan, Damon to my Affleck, and then suddenly, it hits me – the perfect person.

RORY

Who?

PARIS

You.

RORY

What?

PARIS

It’s genius. We could announce it in the Franklin tomorrow, Gellar and Gilmore. We even have the g-thing going. Never underestimate the power of alliteration, my friend.

RORY

I don’t wanna be vice president.

PARIS

Oh, come on. Every little girl wants to be vice president.

RORY

Not this one.

PARIS

But you have to. It’s the only way. Please? I’m begging you.

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

They hate me, okay?

RORY

Who hates you?

PARIS

Everyone. Everyone in the whole school hates me. Oh, yeah, they think I’m the best for the job, but they don’t want to go to the mall with me so they won’t vote for me and that means I’m going to lose.

RORY

Well, how is my running with you gonna change anything?

PARIS

Because people think you’re nice. You’re quiet, you say excuse me, you look like little birds help you get dressed in the morning. People don’t fear you.

RORY

Hey, I haven’t been dressed by a bird since I was two.

PARIS

You will soften my image.

RORY

You’re crazy.

PARIS

Please!

RORY

No, I don’t want to be in politics. I just want to write about politics.

PARIS

You wouldn’t have to do anything. I’ll do all the work and make the speeches. You just have to sit there and be nice.

RORY

No.

PARIS

But –

RORY

Bye.

PARIS

Harvard loves this kid of crap. Being vice president is just one more thing to put you ahead of the rest of the hundreds of thousands of straight–A students who are applying for the same spot you are. Think about it. You say no, then comes the day when the letter from Harvard arrives. They’ve turned you down. Enjoy Connecticut State, sucker. Tell me you won’t be thinking, what if I had just run with Paris? What if the one thing that could’ve ensured my place behind those ivy covered walls I just walked away from?

RORY

Fine.

PARIS

Yes! Okay.

RORY

I guess the thought of just being nice to people never occurred to you, huh?

PARIS

See, that is exactly what I need from you, Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm for the new millennium. Hey, wear some braids tomorrow with bows. I mean, hell, let’s sell it, sister!

LORELAI

So, how do you feel?

RORY

Great.

LORELAI

Not at all sad?

RORY

About getting my arm back? No.

LORELAI

Really? ‘Cause I’ve kind of gotten used to Casty over here. I mean, we decorated him, we talked to him, we protected him from getting wet in the shower.

RORY

Okay, it’s time to wean you off of getting attached to inanimate objects.

LORELAI

Casty, no one understands you like I do. What? No, I did not know Mr. Band-Aid said that to you. Ugh, I will talk to him when we get home.

DR. SUE

How you doing?

RORY

Dr. Sue, thank God.

DR. SUE

Okay. So Rory, let’s get this thing off your arm, huh? What do you say?

RORY

Not a word.

CHRISTOPHER

[from hallway] This one here? Wait, which one? Hey, you in the white, come on, point a finger.

RORY

Dad?

LORELAI

Christopher? [pulls open the door]

CHRISTOPHER

Aha, there you are. Is it still on?

LORELAI

What are you doing?

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, great, I didn’t miss it. Hey, doctor, I’m the dad.

DR. SUE

Hey, nice to meet you, Dad.

LORELAI

I can’t believe you’re here.

CHRISTOPHER

Why? I told you last week I wanted to come down for the big unveiling.

LORELAI

I know, but I didn’t think you would drive all the way from Boston again. You were just here.

CHRISTOPHER

You getting sick of me?

LORELAI

Frankly, yes.

DR. SUE

Okay, is everyone here now?

RORY

I think so.

DR. SUE

Okay, then let’s do it.

CHRISTOPHER

Great, and doctor, if at all possible, we’d like to keep the arm.

DR. SUE

Oh, I’ll try my best.

CHRISTOPHER

So where to next?

RORY

Um, actually, I have to get home. I have to review my campaign platform.

CHRISTOPHER

Campaign platform?

LORELAI

Yes, our little Hilary Clinton here is running for student body vice president.

CHRISTOPHER

Wow.

RORY

Elections are on Friday, but I can honestly say that I’m very torn about which way I want it to go.

LORELAI

I spent four hours making picture buttons. You wanna win.

RORY

But if I win then I have to be vice president next year. Plus, I’ll have to spend my summer in Washington for some junior leadership program, which means six straight weeks of me and Paris together in a dorm room.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, how about this? I’ll come back here on Thursday night and I’ll take you guys to dinner, and then we’ll break into Chilton and tamper with some votes.

RORY

We can’t.

LORELAI

Thursday’s Sookie’s rehearsal dinner.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh well, I guess you’ll just have to put your trust in a democratic system. Good luck with that.

LORELAI

But if you’re gonna be in the area Thursday night, you can come with us to the dinner.

CHRISTOPHER

But it’s Sookie’s rehearsal dinner.

LORELAI

Oh, she would love it. She’s cooking for a thousand. It’ll be fun.

RORY

Yeah, I’m bringing Dean.

LORELAI

I mean, if you can’t do it, then. . .

CHRISTOPHER

What time?

LORELAI

Seven thirty.

CHRISTOPHER

I’m there.

LORELAI

That’s great. I’ll tell her.

MISS PATTY

Ooh, ooh, a toast, everybody, a toast!

KIRK

Ladies, gentlemen, honored guests. Who owns the silver Volvo ‘cause you’re blocking me in?

MISS PATTY

Well, it’s better than the toast he made at the Ubromowitz wedding.

CHRISTOPHER

How long before I move the car?

LORELAI

Hm, give it another ten minutes.

KIRK

Come on, I’ve gotta go. My mom is waiting. This isn’t funny!

JACKSON

We need to talk.

SOOKIE

What’s the matter?

JACKSON

Uh, the bedroom, please.

SOOKIE

Honey, I’m melting chocolate here.

JACKSON

Oh, the chocolate can wait. My father just took me aside and handed me this. [holds up a kilt]

SOOKIE

He handed you a skirt?

JACKSON

Oh, it’s not a skirt, it’s a kilt.

SOOKIE

Oh. Why did he hand this to you?

JACKSON

He gave this to me to wear on my wedding day.

SOOKIE

No.

JACKSON

Oh, yes. He wore it on his wedding day, my grandfather wore it on his wedding day. Apparently, there’s a long-standing tradition where the men in my family get very airy on the big day.

SOOKIE

Well, honey, if it means that much to him.

JACKSON

Are you crazy?

SOOKIE

Well, he’s your father.

JACKSON

You won’t let me wear shorts in public and you’re gonna let me get married in this?

SOOKIE

Well, what’re you gonna do?

JACKSON

I’m gonna wear pants. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t have to come.

SOOKIE

He has to come, he’s the best man.

JACKSON

Too bad! [walks away]

SOOKIE

[follows him] Jackson, come on. Shorts are different, they cut you funny!

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, that’s it, I need some air. Grab the bottle.

LORELAI

Bossy. I like it.

CHRISTOPHER

Wow. I hope the second act’s as good as the first one.

LORELAI

Oh, well, it’s a wedding. Things are supposed to be horrible.

CHRISTOPHER

When Jackson came out holding that kilt – man, I felt for him.

LORELAI

I know, so did I.

CHRISTOPHER

Please, I saw what your face was doing.

LORELAI

What? What was my face doing?

CHRISTOPHER

It was counting up how many Brigadoon references you could come up with to torture him with at a later date.

LORELAI

How dare you accuse my face of that! My face is calling Gloria Alred when we get home.

CHRISTOPHER

How many references?

LORELAI

None.

CHRISTOPHER

How many?

LORELAI

Twelve, including a few bars of I’ll Go Home with Bonnie Jean.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, I’m begging you, take plenty of pictures of this wedding because I have a feeling it’s gonna be a classic.

LORELAI

You know, if you’re gonna be in town for the day, you should just come with us and. . .thanks. . .see all the fireworks for yourself.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay.

LORELAI

Okay?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah.

LORELAI

Just like that, okay?

CHRISTOPHER

Well, if Sookie doesn’t mind.

LORELAI

What’s going on with you?

CHRISTOPHER

What do you mean?

LORELAI

I mean, mister ‘suddenly I’m everywhere’. How come you can just agree to come to the wedding?

CHRISTOPHER

Because I can.

LORELAI

Don’t you have to check your appointment book?

CHRISTOPHER

It’s on a Sunday.

LORELAI

Don’t you have to check with Sherry? Chris, what’s up?

CHRISTOPHER

Nothing. Sherry’s not in town.

LORELAI

Oh.

CHRISTOPHER

And even if she was, I still don’t think she’d mind if I went.

LORELAI

Because she’s the coolest chick in the world?

CHRISTOPHER

Because things aren’t going too well for us lately.

LORELAI

Oh, no.

CHRISTOPHER

She had this big business trip planned and before she left, we had a talk.

LORELAI

Yikes.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah. We tried to come up with some answers but we couldn’t think of anything, so she left and we said we’d take this time apart to think.

LORELAI

What have you been thinking?

CHRISTOPHER

About finding an apartment.

LORELAI

Wow, um, that’s so weird. Last time I saw you two, you were. . .well, nauseating, actually.

CHRISTOPHER

Believe me, we made ourselves sick a few times.

LORELAI

I don’t know what to say.

CHRISTOPHER

No, there’s nothing to say. It’s nobody’s fault. It just isn’t it.

LORELAI

You okay?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks.

LORELAI

Well, then, it’s decided. You’ll come with me to Sookie’s wedding and you’ll make sure I stop one or two Brigadoon-isms shy of Jackson taking me out with a bagpipe.

CHRISTOPHER

It would be my pleasure.

LORELAI

Oh my God, I’m so tired.

RORY

Hey Mom?

LORELAI

Yes, angel?

RORY

Do you happen to know where the almonds I made for table five went?

LORELAI

No.

RORY

‘Cause they were here last night before Sookie’s dinner.

LORELAI

Really? How odd?

RORY

Yeah. And this morning, I found some tulle on the staircase leading up to your bedroom.

LORELAI

Hmm. Ghosts?

RORY

It took me six hours to make those almond bundles, Mother.

LORELAI

Well, see if you can beat that next time.

RORY

So you got home late from Sookie’s?

LORELAI

Yeah, I stayed to help her clean up a little. Hey, guess what?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I know something you don’t know.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Okay, just remember, it’s really wrong to gossip, unless it’s true or just way too good not to tell everyone you see, whether you know them or not.

RORY

Got it, what is it?

LORELAI

Well – [phone rings] Aw, if that’s my conscience calling, tell it enough already, I heard it the first time.

RORY

[answers phone] Hello?

PARIS

How’s this sound for a template? I have done my best. I have lost. Mr. Nixon has won. The democratic process has worked its will, so now let's get on with the urgent task of uniting this country.

RORY

What is that?

PARIS

Hubert Humphrey’s concession speech. Now, other than the part about Nixon, parts of it really seem to apply here.

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

Hey, I’m not going to steal it. I’ll paraphrase and I’ll give him credit.

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

Not that the person who actually wins will even know who Hubert Humphrey is, but hey, I bet they’ll organize one boffo senior ditch day.

RORY

Where are you?

PARIS

In the auditorium. I wanted to be here for one last meet and greet, get them right before they walk in the booth.

RORY

Leave that place right now.

PARIS

But – .

RORY

People will think that you’re insane and generally people are scared of the insane, so see where I’m going here?

PARIS

I’m going to lose.

RORY

You don’t know that.

PARIS

Yes, I do. Because even if I win, I only won because of you. Therefore, either way I lose.

RORY

Come on. Go get a cup of coffee, relax. You deserve this job, I swear. Put away the concession speech.

PARIS

Hubert Humphrey must not have been considered very fun either.

RORY

I’ll see you at school. [hangs up] God, she wants to win so badly, and me, not so badly. I feel terrible.

LORELAI

Aw, come on. You know you wanna win so you can spend your whole summer in Washington far away from me.

RORY

Please, don’t even talk about Washington. It gives me a stomachache.

LORELAI

It might be wonderful.

RORY

Good, then you and I will go someday.

LORELAI

Aw, look at you, trying to make Mommy feel like you don’t spend every night tunneling out of here with a spoon.

RORY

Get back to the gossip, please.

LORELAI

Oh yeah. Okay. So, guess who’s in the process of breaking up?

RORY

Brad and Jen?

LORELAI

Bite your tongue.

RORY

I don’t know.

LORELAI

Sherry and your dad.

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

Dad told you that?

LORELAI

Last night.

RORY

Wow. But they were so together.

LORELAI

I know. Well, now they’re not.

RORY

Well, is he – oh, look at you.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

You’re totally gloating.

LORELAI

I’m not gloating.

RORY

Then why are you smiling?

LORELAI

I’m not smiling. I had a little stroke.

RORY

Smiling.

LORELAI

Oh, look, if he was all broken up about it then I would be sad, but he’s not, so ha ha.

RORY

Fourth rung of hell, party of one.

LORELAI

Well, at least my feet won’t get cold.

RORY

Where’d you get that?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

That. The Jordan almond that you pulled out of your pajama top and ate – where did you get it?

LORELAI

Hm, Santa Claus.

MICHEL

All right, the piano movers will be here at eight and the chairs will be set up at nine. All the rooms are made up and ready. I will be in at ten. Now I am going home unless you would like me to stay.

LORELAI

Actually, I would, thanks.

MICHEL

No, I’m sorry, I think I said that wrong. I am going home now unless you would like me to stay.

LORELAI

I would love you to stay, thanks for offering.

MICHEL

Okay, see, once again, my English not so good. One more time. I am going home now after working six hours longer than I usually work and performing tasks I despise and am ashamed of, and now I am going home to wash off the stench of this horrifying day, that is, unless, for some unknown Godforsaken reason, you need me to stay.

LORELAI

Well, actually – .

MICHEL

Goodbye. [leaves]

LORELAI

Hey, can I grab my bag? I’m gonna go in the back and change.

EMPLOYEE

[hands her the bag] Sure.

LORELAI

Thank you.

SOOKIE

Hey, I went with the sugared daffodils for the top tier. Let me tell you, they look great. Ooh, I’ve outdone myself this time.

LORELAI

What are you still doing here?

SOOKIE

I just wanted to double check everything for tomorrow. Don’t worry, I’m done, everything’s fine. I’m now going straight to bed.

LORELAI

Your last night as a single woman.

SOOKIE

Yup.

LORELAI

You still look good.

SOOKIE

I still feel good.

LORELAI

Just think of it. As of tomorrow, you can start wearing cold cream to bed and stop shaving your legs.

SOOKIE

That’s right, ‘cause I already got me a man.

LORELAI

Go to sleep.

SOOKIE

Okay, see you tomorrow?

LORELAI

See you tomorrow.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, look who’s got Martha Stewart locked in a basement. Did you do all this?

LORELAI

Yeah, I did. How’s it look?

CHRISTOPHER

It looks great.

LORELAI

Good. What are you doing up?

CHRISTOPHER

Couldn’t sleep. I sweet-talked the maid into leaving me about ten thousand pillow mints and then I proceeded to eat them all.

LORELAI

Serves you right. Oh God, I’m so exhausted.

CHRISTOPHER

Need some help?

LORELAI

No, I’m almost done. I got up and went back to work just now, didn’t I?

CHRISTOPHER

Yes, you did.

LORELAI

Oh, good, ‘cause this is not the time to loaf. I’m so happy for Sookie. I mean, it’s like a real live love story, and I saw it all happen. I mean, I hired Jackson. I watched them meet. I watched them have several bizarrely intense arguments over mustard greens. I watched them fall in love. I got to see it all. It was a nice show. Hi.

CHRISTOPHER

Hi.

LORELAI

What was that?

CHRISTOPHER

I have no idea.

LORELAI

Chris.

CHRISTOPHER

One more time and maybe I’ll have an explanation.

LORELAI

Ah, this is not happening.

CHRISTOPHER

I hope to God you’re wrong.

LORELAI

But it’s us. I mean, you and I, we. . .

CHRISTOPHER

Have never been in the same place at the same time.

LORELAI

But now. . . [they kiss] My head is spinning.

CHRISTOPHER

It’s all the plants in here, too much oxygen.

LORELAI

What do we do now?

CHRISTOPHER

You know, I’ve got a room upstairs.

LORELAI

You were that sure you’d get lucky?

CHRISTOPHER

I never dreamed I’d get this lucky.

LORELAI

Aw, that’s good.

CHRISTOPHER

So what do you say?

LORELAI

What are you doing?

SOOKIE

Daffodils. Am I insane? You can’t have daffodils on your wedding cake. What was I thinking?

LORELAI

Stop what you’re doing right now.

SOOKIE

There’s too much pink.

LORELAI

Sweetie, there’s not too much pink.

SOOKIE

Pink is for girls. Jackson’s not a girl. Jackson doesn’t like pink. I have all this pink, it’s like saying, ‘Hey, screw you. You want a say in this? Well, grow some ovaries.’

LORELAI

Hey, whoa, honey, hey! Put the pastry bag down.

SOOKIE

I can’t, I have to fix this.

LORELAI

Sookie, down. Now step away from all things edible. Hey, what happened?

SOOKIE

I don’t know.

LORELAI

When I left you, you were fine.

SOOKIE

I know. And when I went home, I was fine. And when I went to bed, I was fine. And then I had this dream where suddenly my dress is really, really short in back, you know? So I bolt out of bed and I put my dress on, and it looks okay. But then I panic – what if I’m remembering the dream wrong? What if my dress isn’t really screwed up, what if it’s my veil? So I put on the veil, then I remember I’m serving salmon puffs. Salmon puffs! Okay, completely wrong, so I had to rush over here and try to find another first course, and then I walk in and these daffodils just. . .something snapped and that’s when you walked in here.

LORELAI

Honey, you’re nervous. It’s natural.

SOOKIE

Well, I wasn’t nervous until tonight.

LORELAI

Well, that’s okay.

SOOKIE

I’m scared.

LORELAI

I know.

SOOKIE

I don’t wanna get divorced.

LORELAI

I know.

SOOKIE

I don’t wanna fight all the time and end up bitter.

LORELAI

I know.

SOOKIE

I don’t wanna be one of those women sitting around making jokes about husband number two. I want number one to last.

LORELAI

I know.

SOOKIE

I want a guarantee.

LORELAI

Sookie, you’re gonna be fine.

SOOKIE

I know. No, I don’t. Okay, I need to stop obsessing on this. Tell me something.

LORELAI

Like what?

SOOKIE

I don’t know. Anything. Tell me something to make me stop thinking about this.

LORELAI

I just slept with Christopher.

SOOKIE

That’ll work.

LORELAI

It just happened.

SOOKIE

When?

LORELAI

Tonight, in his room.

SOOKIE

Oh my God! Was it. . .?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah.

SOOKIE

Wow, what does this mean?

LORELAI

I don’t know.

SOOKIE

I mean, is this a good thing?

LORELAI

I don’t know. I think it is.

SOOKIE

Oh my God, can you imagine if you and Christopher got together after all these years?

LORELAI

Okay, hold on. We haven’t even talked about that ourselves yet.

SOOKIE

Ah, ooh God! Oh God.

LORELAI

I know!

SOOKIE

Well, when are you gonna talk about it?

LORELAI

Probably when I go back up there with the snacks I promised.

SOOKIE

He’s waiting for you?

LORELAI

Yes, he is.

SOOKIE

Ooh, you’ve gotta get back up there.

LORELAI

You have to get some sleep.

SOOKIE

I wanna hear all the details tomorrow.

LORELAI

Mmkay, I’ll grab you in between the walking down the aisle and the getting married.

LORELAI

Hey Sookie.

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

You’re in your wedding dress.

SOOKIE

I am.

LORELAI

You’re beautiful.

LORELAI

Now you go get some sleep.

SOOKIE

And you go get some.

LORELAI

Room service.

CHRISTOPHER

I do like this hotel. Oh my God, that’s good. What is it?

LORELAI

I have no idea, but if Sookie asks, Michel ate it.

CHRISTOPHER

So, should we avoid the subject for awhile or just dive right in?

LORELAI

Call me Greg Louganis.

CHRISTOPHER

Greg. What just happened here – amazing.

LORELAI

I’m not arguing.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, does that mean there’s a chance for a repeat amazing?

LORELAI

Do you mean right now or just in general?

CHRISTOPHER

Both. Let’s start with in general.

LORELAI

I don’t know, Chris. It’s weird, isn’t it? We just found this great balance, I’ve been seeing you more, we’ve been getting along so well.

CHRISTOPHER

I know.

LORELAI

And this thing with Sherry is so recent.

CHRISTOPHER

I know.

LORELAI

And then there’s Rory to think about. I mean, we can’t just go changing everything on her now. Not unless. . .

CHRISTOPHER

Not unless it’s gonna be a pretty permanent change.

LORELAI

Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER

And you’re so sure it can’t be?

LORELAI

No, I’m not so sure.

CHRISTOPHER

The timing seems right, Lor.

LORELAI

I know it does.

CHRISTOPHER

Maybe all this stuff we went through – that’s the journey we needed to take to end up here.

LORELAI

Maybe.

CHRISTOPHER

Being a family – Mom, Dad, kid, Volvo.

LORELAI

Ugh, the Volvo will have to go.

CHRISTOPHER

It has a nice ring to it.

LORELAI

Yeah, it does. I guess. . .

CHRISTOPHER

What?

LORELAI

I guess we’ll never know until we try.

CHRISTOPHER

So, we try?

LORELAI

Yeah, we try.

KIRK

Luke, I've only got ten minutes. How quickly can you make me a ham on rye?

LUKE

I've never clocked it, Kirk.

KIRK

Well, you think it could be fast?

LUKE

Yes, Kirk. Of all the sandwiches, I do believe the ham on rye is one of the faster ones to assemble.

KIRK

What about a patty melt? Same time frame?

LUKE

Probably a little longer.

KIRK

Really?

LUKE

Yes, I have to grill a hamburger whereas with the other one I just put the ham on the bread.

KIRK

What if I wanted the bread on the ham on rye toasted? Are we talking somewhere in between the patty melt and the untoasted?

LUKE

Probably.

KIRK

Closer to the melt or closer to the - .

LUKE

Kirk!

KIRK

Peanut butter and jelly to go.

LUKE

Coming right up.

KIRK

What do you think of this suit?

LUKE

It's fine.

KIRK

I got it for Sookie's wedding. I read an article in the paper recently that said that weddings are an excellent place to meet women.

LUKE

Well, if it was in the paper, it must be true.

KIRK

I hope so, 'cause I'm so damn lonely not even Animal Planet does it for me anymore.

LUKE

Your sandwich is coming right up. Caesar, I’m going upstairs for a minute.

LUKE

Hey.

JESS

Hey.

LUKE

How’d you get in here?

JESS

The door was open.

LUKE

No, I mean, I was in the diner. I would’ve seen you come up the stairs. . . you know what, forget it, I don’t wanna know. So, how’s everything back home?

JESS

Fine.

LUKE

Your mom?

JESS

Fine.

LUKE

You in trouble?

JESS

Nah.

LUKE

Then what the hell you doing here, Jess? You know, I, uh, I called you six times. Now I didn’t expect you to call me back so we could sit on the phone in bed and watch Sleepless in Seattle together. I just expected you to call me back, say you got home, say no one mugged me on the bus, say you were okay. Say. . .you know what, never mind. Just tell me what it is you want. I got work to do.

JESS

I wanna come back.

LUKE

You what?

JESS

I want to come back.

LUKE

Come back here?

JESS

Yes.

LUKE

Here to Stars Hollow?

JESS

Yes.

LUKE

To live in this apartment with me?

JESS

I said yes a million times already.

LUKE

You know what, you’re the one asking for something so you don’t get to be James Dean this time, okay? Now, one more time, you wanna come back?

JESS

Yes.

LUKE

Why?

JESS

I just, I. . . I just wanna come back.

LUKE

You know what people told me when I said you were coming here to live with me? They told me I was crazy, they told me I was insane, they told me to start writing letters to Jodie Foster – but I ignored them. I was so sure that I knew what I was doing and then you showed up and you know what happened? You proved them right. I was crazy, and now after all that has happened, after all the chaos and havoc that you have wreaked, you’re seriously standing there wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a butt with hands that are flipping me off, telling me you wanna come back?

JESS

You didn’t pack up my stuff yet.

LUKE

Uh, no, I’ve been a little busy.

JESS

When were you planning on sending it back to me?

LUKE

What, hey, am I wearing a little brown uniform with UPS stamped on it?

JESS

So, what do you think?

LUKE

Things are gonna have to be different, Jess.

JESS

I know.

LUKE

Okay.

JESS

Okay?

LUKE

So you’re staying?

JESS

I’m staying.

LUKE

Okay, then. Stay. I gotta get back to the diner.

JESS

I’ll help you close up later, all right?

LUKE

Sure. She’s not home.

JESS

Who?

LUKE

She’s at Sookie’s wedding with Dean, they’re still together. They seem to have gotten through the whole car incident. They’re doing really good, Dean and Rory.

JESS

Good.

LUKE

Just leave it alone, Jess. She’s got a boyfriend. Just let it go.

JESS

I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just going out for a walk.

LUKE

You heard what I said?

JESS

Yeah, I heard what you said.

MICHEL

The linen closet’s the third door on the right.

DEAN

Hey you.

RORY

Hey. You look nice.

DEAN

Thank you. You look beautiful.

RORY

Thank you.

DEAN

So, uh, how many cocktails caused that?

RORY

Oh, they haven’t had any cocktails yet.

DEAN

Really?

RORY

Oh yeah. When they start having cocktails, we’re gonna have to hide you.

DEAN

I’m looking forward to that. [his cell phone rings] Huh, I’m not sure who’d be calling me now. Hello?

PARIS

Dean?

DEAN

Who is this?

PARIS

It’s Paris. I need to talk to Rory.

DEAN

Uh, sure, hold on. [hands phone to Rory] It’s Paris.

RORY

What? [on phone] Hello?

PARIS

We’ve got the band!

RORY

What?

PARIS

We got the band! I knew we had most of the academic clubs tied up, but band – they were the wild card ‘cause believe me, if anybody’s going to be truly scared of me, it’s some artsy loser with a tuba wrapped around his neck.

RORY

Paris, how did you get this number?

PARIS

Oh, relax. I won’t call you on Prince William’s precious phone again. I just wanted you to know that we did it, we’re in, welcome to the show. [hangs up]

RORY

I think we won.

DEAN

Wow. Uh, that’s great.

RORY

Yeah.

DEAN

So I guess this means you’ll be spending the summer in Washington.

RORY

Oh, nothing’s decided yet, believe me. Let me do a little research and then I’ll figure something out.

DEAN

Good.

LORELAI

Hey.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

You know what’s really great about being a grown up? This. [holds up drink]

RORY

Well, thanks for the life lesson.

LORELAI

You’re welcome. Dean, you clean up really nicely.

DEAN

Uh, thank you.

LORELAI

You know, we’re gonna have to hide him from Patty and Babette once they hit the hooch.

RORY

Already told him.

LORELAI

Okay, well, I gotta check on some things. See you guys later.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Stop it.

CHRISTOPHER

Stop what?

LORELAI

Stop looking at me like that or everyone here will think we did it. [they kiss] There, that’ll throw ‘em off the track.

CHRISTOPHER

So this morning you woke up and felt sorry about last night?

LORELAI

No.

CHRISTOPHER

Embarrassed about last night?

LORELAI

No.

CHRISTOPHER

Eager and willing to repeat last night?

LORELAI

Ah, Mom, Dad, hi.

CHRISTOPHER

Richard, Emily.

RICHARD

Well, hello Christopher. What a pleasant surprise.

LORELAI

You came.

EMILY

Of course we came, we were invited. Hello Christopher. I mean, why did you think we would not come?

LORELAI

I thought you thought the invitation was rude.

EMILY

It was rude. However, it would’ve been equally rude for us not to attend the wedding when we were perfectly capable of doing so, so we came. That’s called rising above it.

LORELAI

I see. Do you wanna come back down here long enough to get a drink?

EMILY

Yes, that would be nice.

CHRISTOPHER

I’ll get it for you.

EMILY

Champagne, please.

CHRISTOPHER

Should I make that two?

LORELAI

Absolutely.

RICHARD

I believe I’ll join you, see what sort of scotch they’re serving here.

CHRISTOPHER

When I get back, you’re gonna have to answer my last question.

EMILY

What on earth is Christopher doing here?

LORELAI

Um, well, he’s visiting his daughter.

EMILY

That’s very nice.

LORELAI

Yeah. Actually, he’s been visiting his daughter quite a bit lately.

EMILY

Really?

LORELAI

Yes. In fact, Mom, you might be seeing a lot more of Christopher from now on.

EMILY

Because he’ll be visiting his daughter?

LORELAI

Yes, he’ll be visiting his daughter.

EMILY

Well, I’ll be damned.

CHRISTOPHER

So I’m guessing your mom talked to you?

RORY

She talks to me all the time, frequently when I’m begging her not to.

CHRISTOPHER

And she told you what we discussed?

RORY

She mentioned something about it, yes.

CHRISTOPHER

And what do you think about all this?

RORY

I don’t know. What exactly are your intentions?

CHRISTOPHER

Excuse me?

RORY

Your intentions – are they honorable?

CHRISTOPHER

Completely honorable.

RORY

Yeah? Because we have been waiting for this for a really long time and we take disappointment extremely hard. I mean it, property damage is often involved.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, I better follow through on this, huh?

RORY

I think that’s an excellent idea.

CHRISTOPHER

Come here, you. [they hug, his cell phone rings.] It’s probably work.

RORY

On a Sunday?

CHRISTOPHER

Hey lady, I’ve got a lot of responsibility now, okay?

RORY

Okay.

CHRISTOPHER

Be right back.

RORY

What are you doing here?

JESS

Hello to you, too.

RORY

Is everything okay?

JESS

You look nice.

RORY

Thank you. What are you doing here?

JESS

I moved back.

RORY

What?

JESS

I moved back.

RORY

But – what – why?

JESS

Just wanted to.

RORY

Oh my God! Oh my God!

JESS

Rory.

RORY

Don’t say a word!

JESS

Okay.

RORY

I have to go. [runs away] Oh, welcome home!

CHRISTOPHER

Lor!

LORELAI

Ah, hey there. We’re starting any minute. Have you seen Rory?

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, yeah, I just left her over there.

LORELAI

Oh, good, okay, I’ll find her. Go get a good seat. The wind’s kicking up so this might be a really good show.

CHRISTOPHER

I have to go.

LORELAI

Huh, what, why?

CHRISTOPHER

I have to take care of something.

LORELAI

Chris!

CHRISTOPHER

I’m sorry, really. I’ll call you later to see how it went.

LORELAI

No, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What – tell me why you’re leaving? What – what’s going on?

CHRISTOPHER

Sherry called. She’s back.

LORELAI

So you’re going home. Gonna tell her you’re moving out? No? Okay.

CHRISTOPHER

I can’t believe this. I mean, I really can’t believe this.

LORELAI

Uh, okay, I don’t know. Um, just, uh, drive safe.

CHRISTOPHER

Drive safe?

LORELAI

Yeah, drive safe. I mean, you know, you’re still Rory’s dad, right? So whatever happens or doesn’t happen between us, I still need you to drive safe.

CHRISTOPHER

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Just go, Chris!

CHRISTOPHER

Sherry’s pregnant.

LORELAI

Oh. Oh my.

CHRISTOPHER

She just found out and she called me as soon as she found out, and that was her calling to tell me that she found out.

LORELAI

Pregnant.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah.

LORELAI

Wow. Well, uh, women all over the world will line up to see that tiny woman fat.

CHRISTOPHER

I don’t know what to do. I was so happy last night and now. . .

LORELAI

Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER

I missed it before with Rory. I wasn’t there, I wasn’t apart of it.

LORELAI

I know.

CHRISTOPHER

And I never forgave myself.

LORELAI

I know.

CHRISTOPHER

So, what, I’m just. . .I’m gonna do that again? I’m just gonna take off, disappear?

LORELAI

No. You’re gonna go home.

CHRISTOPHER

This is absolutely unbelievable. I’ve waited years for this, Lor. You, Rory, the whole perfect picture and now - .

LORELAI

Listen, I have to walk down the aisle in a minute and be really happy for Sookie and right now I’m having a little trouble standing, so maybe it would be better if you would just go.

CHRISTOPHER

I’m so sorry.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. Me, too.

CHRISTOPHER

You’ll tell Rory?

LORELAI

I will. Hey, congratulations.

CHRISTOPHER

Thanks.

RORY

I think I’m going to Washington.

LORELAI

Oh. Okay.