T3E1: “Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy Days”

LORELAI

You are hilarious!

LORELAI

Okay, see, last night, when I said to you, 'Tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I get up at seven,' what I actually meant was, 'Tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I have the option of getting up at seven in case when seven comes, I actually wanna get up,' which – as it happened – I didn't. Therefore, you're currently responsible for the great alarm clock slaughter of 2002.

LUKE

No survivors?

LORELAI

The one shaped like a bunny escaped with a mild decapitation. [smells the coffee] This is decaf.

LUKE

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

You switched my coffee again.

LUKE

I'm a busy man. I don't have time to sneak around switching your coffee. I have a diner to run, I have shipments to order, I have things to flip and fry. Will you stop that?

LORELAI

Ha, haha, hahaha! Under the sink, very clever, but not clever enough bucko.

LUKE

Okay, fine, you know what? I give up.

LORELAI

Woo hoo!

LUKE

Go one day without coffee.

LORELAI

That's not giving up.

LUKE

I'll put a toy in your cereal.

LORELAI

Dirty!

LUKE

[hands her a plate of food] Fine, here, you win.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LUKE

You're welcome. Now you're up, you're fed, I'm leaving.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, we need q-tips.

LUKE

I'll alert the media.

LORELAI

See, that's better with the accent.

LUKE

The reference is enough, you'll learn that one day. I'll be home early, anything besides the q-tips?

LORELAI

Um, cotton balls, world peace, Connie Chung's original face back.

LUKE

Goodbye crazy lady. [to Lorelai's stomach] Goodbye Sid and Nancy.

LORELAI

Leopold and Loeb.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

I changed my mind, don't tell Rory.

LUKE

Decaf.

LORELAI

Never.

LUKE

They'll both have two heads.

LORELAI

More to love.

LORELAI

Whoa! Ugh!

RORY

Hello?

LORELAI

You have to come home.

RORY

Mom?

LORELAI

You're gone and the house is quiet and Bill Maher's canceled. The name of the show was Politically Incorrect for God's sake. Didn't anybody read the title? He was supposed to say those things, dammit!

RORY

You had another dream.

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

The doctor is in.

LORELAI

Okay, I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is the kitchen, is Luke!

RORY

Was he naked?

LORELAI

No! He was making breakfast.

RORY

Naked?

LORELAI

Okay, you've been in Washington way too long.

RORY

Sorry. Go ahead, he was making breakfast. . .

LORELAI

Eggs and pancakes and bacon, and he put decaf coffee in my regular coffee bag, which of course I knew immediately.

RORY

Hi, the nose.

LORELAI

Exactly. So eventually I find the real stuff under the sink. He hands me my breakfast, and then . . .

RORY

What?

LORELAI

He kissed me and talked to my stomach!

RORY

Why would he do that?

LORELAI

Because apparently I'm pregnant!

RORY

What?

LORELAI

With twins! [pause] Say something.

RORY

You are going to be so fat.

LORELAI

Just analyze my dream, please.

RORY

Okay. Well, your dream was telling you that you are secretly in love with Luke and you wanna marry him and have his twins.

LORELAI

Uh, no, try again.

RORY

What do you mean, try again? You asked me to analyze your dream, I analyzed your dream.

LORELAI

Yes, well, I reject that analysis, so I'd like another one, please.

RORY

You can't just reject an analysis and try again. You're not shopping for bathing suits here.

LORELAI

Give me another analysis or I'll put your Taylor hula-hooping dream into a whole other context.

RORY

I told you, Taylor was supposed to be Dean. I could tell by his freakishly thick head of hair.

LORELAI

I'm waiting.

RORY

Okay, maybe you're still upset about what happened with Dad and you're jealous of Sherry because she's having his baby and not you. Mom?

LORELAI

I miss you.

RORY

I miss you, too.

PARIS

[sleeptalking in background] Woodward. . .Bernstein. . .Harry Thomason.

LORELAI

Is that Paris?

RORY

Yeah, she talks in her sleep... long in-depth arguments. I'm so glad I only have one more day here.

LORELAI

Me, too. What do you have on your agenda for tomorrow? Or, today, actually.

RORY

We have a breakfast mixer with members of Congress and the Senate.

LORELAI

Cool. See if you can steal me something off of Tom Daschle's fruit plate.

RORY

I'll see what I can do.

LORELAI

See you Friday, doc.

RORY

See you Friday.

PARIS

[sleeptalking] I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

LORELAI

No way.

SOOKIE

I swear.

LORELAI

Huh, Kosher bacon.

SOOKIE

Beef not pork.

LORELAI

I am so Jewish.

JACKSON

[from other room] Hey Sookie, where's my –

SOOKIE

Jackson, hold on! Lorelai's here!

LORELAI

[covers eyes] Oh, Jackson, I'm in the kitchen! I'm eating bacon, so don't . . aye - eh - da - ahhh!

JACKSON

[walks into kitchen] Will you stop it? I'm dressed.

LORELAI

Uh, well, how do I know you weren't showering and the hot water went out and you rushed down here with nothing but a teeny tiny towel in front of ya.

JACKSON

Once, that happened once.

LORELAI

Well, once was enough.

SOOKIE

Oh, hey, honey, I got those paint chips that we were talking about. Do you wanna look at them now?

JACKSON

Nope.

SOOKIE

But it'll only take a minute and I actually went though and picked out a couple of colors for you.

LORELAI

What are you painting?

JACKSON

Nothing.

SOOKIE

The house.

LORELAI

The whole house?

JACKSON

No.

SOOKIE

Just the inside.

LORELAI

Ah, that's a pretty big undertaking.

JACKSON

It's not such a big undertaking since we're not undertaking it.

SOOKIE

I know, but it'll be fun.

LORELAI

Rory and I'll help if you want.

JACKSON

Okay, if you're gonna come over here everyday, you have to actually hear both of us.

LORELAI

Oh. Well, tell me why you're not painting just the inside of the house?

SOOKIE

Because it was my house and now it's our house and I want it to feel like our house.

JACKSON

I'm totally happy with the way this house feels.

SOOKIE

How can you be? There's flowers everywhere.

JACKSON

I like flowers – I'm a produce guy.

SOOKIE

The curtains are ruffly.

JACKSON

I like ruffles.

SOOKIE

How can you like ruffles?

JACKSON

Because I'm very, very gay.

SOOKIE

Jackson!

JACKSON

Judy, Vincent has to go to work now. Goodbye Lorelai. Tell her I'm fine, I like things just the way they are.

LORELAI

I'll try.

LORELAI

All right, I've only got a minute and then I have to leave. Is there any more bacon?

SOOKIE

Have mine. What do you think about mahogany for the living room and then midnight blue for the hallway and the bedroom?

LORELAI

Sookie, Jackson just said he's fine with how everything is. I don't think it's bugging him.

SOOKIE

Well, he may not think so now but it'll bug him eventually and then he'll resent this place and me by extension and I would like to avoid that. And I can – I just need to butch the place up a little. Now, help me pick a color.

LORELAI

Okay, I can't now, but I'll do it later.

SOOKIE

Okay.

LORELAI

Thanks for breakfast, it was amazing, I love you, I love the bacon. Oh, hey, bacon's manly. Why don't you just nail a bunch of packages of Kosher bacon on the walls, huh? Smells like meat blessed by a rabbi – now that's a manly house.

SOOKIE

Buh-bye.

LORELAI

Okay, but if you're still thinking paint, you're still thinking like a chick.

TAYLOR

Watch those streamers! And not too much red near that tree – light touch, light touch, light touch.

LORELAI

Hey Taylor, how's the leg?

TAYLOR

It's just fine.

LORELAI

Still haven't found out who put that banana peel on your doorstep, huh?

TAYLOR

No, but I have a list of suspects.

LORELAI

Hey, um, what's all this for?

TAYLOR

This, young lady, is for the first annual Stars Hollow End of Summer Madness Festival.

LORELAI

You finally found a way to fill September, didn't ya?

TAYLOR

This is gonna be a very exciting day. I'm really gonna go all out for this. I even think you'll be impressed.

LORELAI

Really, even me?

TAYLOR

Yes-sir-ee, mini-me, I did not put the word madness in the title for nothing. This place is gonna be crazy, wild – food, games, we've even got a band coming all the way from New York!

LORELAI

New York – that's just nuts!

TAYLOR

And wait 'til you see the banner I ordered. It's gonna make every other banner we've ever had look downright embarrassing.

LORELAI

Taylor, you're on fire.

TAYLOR

Oh, I love this banner!

LORELAI

I can't wait to see it.

TAYLOR

Well, come on Friday. [to girl walking by] Uh, excuse me, uh, young lady. . .young lady? You know I'm talking to you. The blonde woman with the ribbons, please slow down. I'm in a wheelchair, young lady, I can't run after you.

PARIS

I mean, come on, Senator Boxer, as one of our foremost Democratic leaders, I ask you – do you really think it looks good to have the American Secretary of the Treasury traveling around with Bono? I mean, I know apparently he's a saint, he's going to save the world, yada, yada, yada, but my God! He never even takes the sunglasses off. We have an image to maintain, don't we? I mean, aren't we at least trying to pretend we're the superpower in this world? I mean, why not just send Carson Daly over to the Middle East next time Cheney goes, huh? Or hey, hook up Freddie Prinze Jr. with Colin Powell next time he meets with NATO. I mean, hell! Let's hear what Freddie has to say, right?

SENATOR BOXER

Oh, great, Doug. Uh, Paris, do you know Republican Congressman Doug Ose from California? You don't? Great. You two will have so much to talk about. Bye. [walks away]

CONGRESSMAN OSE

Uh, Barbara...

PARIS

Ose, right?

CONGRESSMAN OSE

Yes that's right.

PARIS

Let's take a walk.

JAMIE

Last day here.

RORY

Yup.

JAMIE

So, in your opinion, how was our nation's capital?

RORY

Well, I got to see Archie Bunker's chair at the Smithsonian Museum, so it was a big thumbs up for me.

JAMIE

Yes, there are times when this country's priorities are exactly right. So, where's Paris?

RORY

Hm, not quite sure. Last time I saw her, she was beating the will to live out of our nation's representatives.

JAMIE

She is a hammer, isn't she?

RORY

Actually, she's the entire toolbox.

PARIS

Damn. I always seem to catch the most interesting politicians right when they have to use the bathroom. Hey Jamie.

JAMIE

Paris. Just came over to let you know I got a little sneak peak at the final debate pairings for today. It seems like you and I are going to be on the same side this time.

PARIS

You're kidding? You'd think they'd like to give someone else a fighting chance for once.

JAMIE

Apparently not.

PARIS

God, I love this. You don't realize how unqualified most of America's youth is until you gather them all up in a room and make them speak. So, who are we up against?

JAMIE

Jason Roundsevault and Ty Fredericks.

PARIS

Perfect. Jason's got asthma and Ty cries.

JAMIE

Okay, so we should meet early and go over strategy, make sure you bought enough Kleenex.

PARIS

Good, good.

JAMIE

And then tonight we should get together and celebrate over dinner.

PARIS

What if we don't win?

JAMIE

Don't lose it on me now.

PARIS

You're right.

JAMIE

So, dinner?

PARIS

Sure.

JAMIE

Good, I'll swing around for you about seven.

PARIS

Fine.

JAMIE

Okay, see you at the slaughter.

RORY

Wow!

PARIS

Yeah, can you imagine pairing me with Jamie? I mean, why not just line the hallways with self esteem counselors right now.

RORY

Paris?

PARIS

What?

RORY

What do you mean what? He just asked you out on a date.

PARIS

He did not.

RORY

Yes, he did. You're having dinner with Jamie tonight.

PARIS

It's a victory dinner, that's it.

RORY

Paris, if he just wanted to celebrate winning a debate, you guys could've had coffee afterward, but he asked you out on a date.

PARIS

He did?

RORY

Yes.

PARIS

Did I accept?

RORY

Yes.

PARIS

I'm going on a date?

RORY

Yes, you are.

PARIS

Oh man, I can't believe this! I finally get asked out on a date and I missed it? Was it a good ask-out?

RORY

It was a very good ask-out.

PARIS

God, I wish I'd been there.

RORY

Well, you'll be there tonight.

PARIS

Tonight? Tonight I have a date. Tonight I have a date with Jamie – a Princeton man. I can overlook that. Oh my God, I can't believe it. . .I have a date.

KIRK

One day it occurred to me, cows never wrinkle.

MICHEL

Mmhmm.

KIRK

Think about it – have you ever seen a wrinkled cow? No, not once. So I thought to myself, "That is weird."

MICHEL

Yes, that and other things.

KIRK

So I decided to do a little research. I studied cows, I studied humans, and finally I discovered the secret – the secret of the cows.

LORELAI

[walking up to them] Michel, could you, uh. . .hi Kirk.

MICHEL

Oh, good, just in time. Kirk here is about to tell us the difference between cows and humans.

LORELAI

You mean, other than one's a cow?

MICHEL

Shh. Go ahead, Kirk.

KIRK

Hay.

LORELAI

Huh?

KIRK

Hay, it's hay – cows eat hay. And after some experimentation and a great deal of research, I developed what I believe to be the next great skin care product to sweep the nation. [shows them a bottle]

LORELAI

[reads the label] Hay There.

KIRK

A complete line of creams, balms, toning lotions, and cleansing liquids.

LORELAI

Kirk, we already have a skin care line here, I'm sorry.

KIRK

I am willing to give you three cases of "Hay There" skin products absolutely free of charge. Try them, you will see what I'm talking about.

LORELAI

Well, uh, thank you very much, Kirk... but, I'm sorry – don't cows eat grass?

KIRK

Sometimes, but "Grass There" is a bad name. [leaves]

MICHEL

So sad not to have a cocktail in your hand every time he comes by, no?

LORELAI

[answers] Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.

EMILY

What day is this?

LORELAI

Mom?

EMILY

What day is this?

LORELAI

Mom, I have a group of –

EMILY

It's Thursday.

LORELAI

Thank God. Now, could I possibly –

EMILY

Thursday the what, Lorelai?

LORELAI

It's –

EMILY

Thursday the third. And what was happening Thursday the third, Lorelai?

LORELAI

I believe it was the day I was supposed to chew my own head off.

EMILY

Your father and I were coming home from Martha's Vineyard.

LORELAI

I know you were.

EMILY

And you said that when we got home, you were going to call us.

LORELAI

I know I did.

EMILY

Well, we're home, and yet there's no call, no message, no card.

LORELAI

Mom, it's eleven o'clock in the morning. I said I would call you on Thursday, I didn't say when on Thursday, I just said Thursday. Technically I haven't screwed up for another twelve hours.

EMILY

Lorelai, everyone knows that you are supposed to call people as soon as they have arrived home. That's the polite way to do it.

LORELAI

You didn't tell me what time you were coming home.

EMILY

Well, you never asked what time we were coming home.

LORELAI

Yes, but you never told me so there's no way I could know, so even though I didn't ask I still didn't know and it's only elev. . .I'm sorry.

EMILY

Apology accepted. Now I assume we'll be seeing you and Rory for dinner tomorrow?

LORELAI

Uh, you'll see me but Rory doesn't get back 'til Saturday.

EMILY

Oh, what a shame. I thought she was coming back tomorrow.

LORELAI

Nope, she's coming back Saturday.

EMILY

Well, I'm very disappointed. I had it written down for tomorrow.

LORELAI

Well, you must've written it down wrong, Mom. She's coming home Saturday.

EMILY

Your father thought it was tomorrow, also.

LORELAI

See you at seven.

EMILY

Hold a moment, Lorelai. Do you know where Christopher is?

LORELAI

Um, why?

EMILY

We wanted him to come with you and Rory tomorrow, even though apparently Rory's getting back Saturday, though I couldn't sworn it was tomorrow.

LORELAI

Christopher's away on business but I'll tell him you invited him.

EMILY

And tell him to come with you two next week. I wanna see the three of you together.

LORELAI

Yes, that would be a nice picture.

EMILY

All right, see you tomorrow.

LORELAI

Yes, you will. Bye.

RORY

My plane gets in at three.

DEAN

I'm in at six.

PARIS

Red, purple, green – where the hell is it?

RORY

That gives me three hours to look presentable. Hm, perhaps I'll go blonde.

DEAN

I strongly request that you don't.

RORY

Afraid of change?

DEAN

No, I just like what I have.

RORY

I like a man who settles.

DEAN

I miss you.

RORY

I miss you, too.

PARIS

Hey, hey, stop being cute. I need help here.

RORY

I have to go. Paris is melting down.

DEAN

Why?

RORY

She has a date tonight.

DEAN

Really?

PARIS

Don't sound so surprised.

RORY

How do you know he sounded surprised?

PARIS

Because I'm a genius, Rory. I have deep and powerful clairvoyant abilities.

RORY

Oh boy.

PARIS

For example, I can instantly deduce that when someone hears the name Paris in the same sentence with the word date, jaws will drop, confused looks will cover faces, words like 'how' and 'why' and 'Quick, Bob, get the children in the minivan because the world is obviously coming to an end!' will immediately fly out of people's mouths.

RORY

I have to go.

DEAN

Are you sure it's safe?

RORY

I'll be fine. I'll see you Friday.

DEAN

See you Friday. I love you.

PARIS

That's it, I'm shaving my head.

RORY

Gotta go. [hangs up] Okay, Paris, you have got to calm down.

PARIS

I had a black sweater and now it's gone.

RORY

I'm not just talking about right now – in general, you need to calm down.

PARIS

He's almost here, I'm not dressed, my makeup's not done, and I haven't gone through the Zagat yet to pick out a restaurant.

RORY

Why don't you just let him pick out the restaurant?

PARIS

What if he doesn't have a Zagat?

RORY

Well, then he'll wing it.

PARIS

Wing it? How come other girls get planned out dinners? Flowers, candy, rose petals thrown on the floors – and I get wing it?

RORY

Well, you don't know that you've got wing it.

PARIS

No, I do. I've got wing it. I can't do this.

RORY

What?

PARIS

Date. I can't date. I'm not genetically set up for it.

RORY

Not true.

PARIS

I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. I'm covered in hives, I've showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn't even have the brains to buy a Zagat so we don't wind up in a restaurant that's really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?

RORY

Sit.

PARIS

It's a dare. He was dared to take me out. I bet Trent Lott was behind this.

RORY

Trent Lott did not dare Jamie to take you out. Close. Jamie likes you and he asked you out because he likes you. Now look up.

PARIS

Maybe I shouldn't go. I mean, what if I fall for him and he doesn't like me?

RORY

Then you'll find someone else.

PARIS

But what if there is no one else?

RORY

Then you'll buy some cats.

PARIS

I wish I knew if he was right for me, you know? So I don't put myself through all of this for nothing. I mean, women fall for men who are wrong for them all of the time, and then they get sidetracked from their goals. They give up careers and become alcoholics and, if you're Sunny von Bülow, wind up in a coma completely incapable of stopping Glenn Close from playing you in a movie.

RORY

I think you should wear your hair down.

PARIS

How do you know if a guy is right for you?

RORY

You just have to feel it.

PARIS

All I feel is my back breaking out.

RORY

You'll know, okay? You just have to let it happen. And then, probably when you're not looking, you'll find someone who compliments you.

PARIS

Meaning?

RORY

Someone who likes what you like, someone who reads the same books or listens to the same music or likes to trash the same movies. Someone compatible.

PARIS

Okay.

RORY

But not so compatible that they're boring.

PARIS

Someone who's compatible but not compatible.

RORY

Yeah, kind of. I mean, you respect each other's opinions and you can laugh at the same jokes, but I don't know – there's just something about not quite knowing what the other person's gonna do at all times that's just really exciting. Look, just have a good time, you'll figure it out.

PARIS

Yeah, well, I hope I figure it out fast. . .before I throw up.

PARIS

That's him.

RORY

Turn around.

PARIS

Well?

RORY

Perfect.

PARIS

Promise?

RORY

Swear.

PARIS

Thanks. Now get in the closet.

RORY

What?

PARIS

If he comes in here and sees you, he won't wanna date me anymore.

RORY

Paris, that's crazy! He's seen me – he's seen me for weeks.

PARIS

Yes, in conferences, crowded lecture halls, badly lit banquet rooms with crappy food smells, not at night when it's dating time and he's thinking about dating and you're standing there looking all datable.

RORY

I'm not looking datable.

PARIS

Please? I can't risk it. At least if there's nothing to compare me to, then I've got a fighting chance, please!

RORY

Okay, but when you get home, you need to get a new therapist because the one you have is really not working. [goes into the closet]

PARIS

Thanks for helping me get ready.

RORY

[from inside closet] Any time.

PARIS

Hi.

JAMIE

Hello. You look very nice.

PARIS

Well, this is a really good sweater.

JAMIE

So, shall we get going?

PARIS

Oh, sure, sure.

JAMIE

Do you like Italian food?

PARIS

I love Italian food.

JAMIE

Good. I've made a reservation at a great place. Well, at least, that's what the Zagat guide says.

PARIS

You're perfect.

JAMIE

Let's go.

SOOKIE

How could you not tell them?

LORELAI

Well, they left two days after your wedding and they were in Martha's Vineyard all summer. It just seemed quieter.

SOOKIE

What do you think, manly? [holds up a statue]

LORELAI

In an Oscar Wilde sort of way, absolutely.

SOOKIE

You know, you're gonna have to tell them tonight, right? I mean, the subject will come up. They probably think you and Christopher are heading down the aisle any day now.

LORELAI

Ugh, I know, I know.

SOOKIE

A shaving table, it's perfect!

LORELAI

And twelve hundred dollars.

SOOKIE

Twelve hundred dollars for what?

MRS. KIM

What do you mean, for what? This is an antique.

SOOKIE

Where does she come from?

MRS. KIM

This was Sherman's shaving table.

LORELAI

Sherman?

MRS. KIM

General Sherman, famous man, burned Atlanta, liked a close shave.

LORELAI

Wow, historical.

MRS. KIM

All original, perfect shape. I give you ten percent off, you want it?

SOOKIE

Oh, well, maybe. I just wanted to look around a little bit first. . .but it's very nice.

MRS. KIM

I know it's very nice. [walks away]

LORELAI

Boy, she would've made a great nun.

SOOKIE

So how are you planning on telling them?

LORELAI

I thought I'd do it like Nell. You know, chicka chicka chickabee.

SOOKIE

Yeah, that's a very good idea.

LORELAI

I'll tell them, I promise.

SOOKIE

Oh, oh my God, look! [walks over to a fish mounted on a piece of wood]

LORELAI

What?

SOOKIE

For over the mantelpiece. It's perfect!

LORELAI

It's a dead fish.

SOOKIE

It's an antique stuffed and mounted trout, and I think it's manly.

LORELAI

Oh, please!

SOOKIE

It is! It's very Ralph Lauren.

LORELAI

Sookie, Jackson loves you. You're not seriously telling me the future of your marriage depends on Leon Troutsky over there.

SOOKIE

I guess not.

LORELAI

Just think about it, okay? You don't have to make every decision right now. Do a little more shopping. Maybe you'll find something even more disgusting someplace else.

SOOKIE

Okay.

LORELAI

Okay, I gotta go pick up Rory at the airport, and then we'll swing by and pick up you guys for the festival.

SOOKIE

Great.

LORELAI

Okay, see you later.

SOOKIE

Bye.

LORELAI

Ten bucks if you don't let her buy the fish.

MRS. KIM

Twenty.

LORELAI

[laughs] You're kidding?

MRS. KIM

I never kid.

LORELAI

You know, I believe that.

LORELAI

Hey Gilmore!

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Ow, ow!

RORY

Ah!

LORELAI

Ow!

RORY

Ah!

LORELAI

Oh!

RORY

Agh!

LORELAI

Oh, oh! Luckily there are video cameras everywhere that caught that very graceful moment on tape.

RORY

I am so glad to see you!

LORELAI

No, I'm glad to see you!

RORY

I'm never leaving home again.

LORELAI

Oh, that's my emotionally stunted girl! Hey, I got you gifts.

RORY

What? I'm the one that left town, I'm supposed to get you gifts.

LORELAI

Oh, but I got here early and there was nothing to do except feed gummy bears to the bomb-sniffing dogs which, apparently, the United States government frowns upon.

RORY

You got in trouble with the government while you were waiting for me?

LORELAI

Just a little.

RORY

How much is a little?

LORELAI

Learn Russian. Okay, here you go. [pulls a shirt out of the gift bag]

RORY

Wow, a Hartford, Connecticut sweatshirt.

LORELAI

Nice, huh?

RORY

[looks through the gift bags] Hartford, Connecticut notebook, Hartford, Connecticut pencil set, a Hartford, Connecticut shot glass.

LORELAI

And beer mug!

RORY

Hartford baguette, Hartford bear, a Hartford sunglasses.

LORELAI

You like?

RORY

I love.

LORELAI

All right, let's go. We'll get your bags, then we'll hit the road, and I can't wait to hear all about Washington. And, by the way, I got you out of dinner with the Gilmores tonight. I thought you and Dean might enjoy a little Peaches and Herb time together.

RORY

Oh, thanks. What'd you tell 'em?

LORELAI

That you get home tomorrow.

RORY

Big fat lie.

LORELAI

Yes, which proves how much I love you. The fact that I was willing to lie to my own parents who I never lie to just so you could have a night of happiness is proof positive of my deep undying devotion that I have for you.

RORY

I appreciate that.

LORELAI

And all that devotion can be yours for the low, low price of $29.95!

RORY

Forget it.

LORELAI

Okay, I'll throw in a set of steak knives.

RORY

My bags, please?

LORELAI

Are you telling me that you want this gesture of love for free? What kind of world are you living in?

LORELAI

Oh my God, you do know one option was leaving some of your books at home?

RORY

Hey, I offered to carry that one.

LORELAI

Next time, don't offer – insist. Look, I'm lopsided now.

RORY

I can't believe I'm home. I feel like I've been away forever.

LORELAI

I agree.

RORY

Hello living room.

LORELAI

Hello Rory, we missed you. Not the ottoman, of course, but everyone knows he's a snob. Napoleon complex, he only really likes the magazine rack.

RORY

Oh my God, I missed everything. My kitchen, my room, my books, my CDs, my stuff. Where's my pillow?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

You took my pillow.

LORELAI

I did not take your pillow.

RORY

You waited until I left, you went into my room, and you took my pillow.

LORELAI

Well, you weren't using it.

RORY

What else did you take?

LORELAI

Nothing. Your comforter came into my room by itself. . .and brought your Bauhaus T-shirt with it.

RORY

I want my stuff back by tomorrow morning.

LORELAI

Just 'cause you leave doesn't mean the world stops.

RORY

By noon.

LORELAI

Fine.

CHRISTOPHER

[on machine] Lor, it's me, please just call –

RORY

Dad?

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

Still haven't talked to him yet, huh?

LORELAI

No, you?

RORY

Nope.

LORELAI

He's called.

RORY

I know. He's called me, too.

LORELAI

I just. . .I don't really know what to say.

RORY

How long are you gonna freeze him out for?

LORELAI

I don't know.

RORY

Right.

LORELAI

You?

RORY

I don't know either.

LORELAI

I have to tell my parents tonight.

RORY

Are you sure you don't want me to go with you and ... I don't know, distract 'em?

LORELAI

No, you've got Dean coming over. I'll be fine. I'll bring them something shiny.

RORY

Okay, I'm gonna go change then.

LORELAI

For what?

RORY

The festival.

LORELAI

Hon, you know what, if you don't wanna go, we don't have to go.

RORY

Why would I not wanna go? Of course I wanna go.

LORELAI

You just got home, you've got Dean coming over.

RORY

No, I wanna go. I wanna go because this is our town and we need to support these things.

LORELAI

All right, but. . .you don't have to change for that.

RORY

Well, I've been away for awhile, I wanna make a nice impression.

LORELAI

On who?

RORY

Whoever has to look at me.

LORELAI

All right, just hustle. I promised Jackson and Sookie I'd pick them up along the way.

RORY

I'll just be a minute.

LORELAI

No woman is ever a minute when she changes.

RORY

Do not judge me by your own standards. [pulls out a dress]

LORELAI

Wow, fancy.

RORY

Not fancy.

LORELAI

You know, you'll have time to come home and change for Dean.

RORY

Well, I can just change now, then I won't have to do it later.

LORELAI

Okay. Hey Rory, I don't want you to freeze out your dad because I am.

RORY

I'm not.

LORELAI

'Cause I'm fine if you wanna go back to the way things were.

RORY

I think that would be a little hard this time.

LORELAI

Okay, maybe not now, but eventually.

RORY

Eventually, maybe, but for now – solidarity sister.

LORELAI

Ya ya!

RORY

You've been waiting for six weeks to do that, haven't you?

LORELAI

Ya ya!

RORY

I'll just be a minute.

LORELAI

See, three minutes faster. I also found a way to get to Al's Pancake World that shaves a good forty seconds off our normal route.

RORY

You were really bored when I was gone, weren't you?

LORELAI

You have no idea.

JACKSON

Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?

SOOKIE

I don't understand why you're so upset.

JACKSON

How can you not understand? I told you a thousand times.

SOOKIE

I thought you were just being nice.

JACKSON

Nice! Sookie, look at this place!

SOOKIE

I think it looks nice.

JACKSON

Nice. . .nice? This is nice. . .this is nice? [points to a life-sized stuffed grizzly bear]

SOOKIE

Well, it's masculine!

JACKSON

No, it's terrifying! I swear I'm gonna come out in the middle of the night for a drink of water, turn around, hit the floor and play dead!

SOOKIE

Okay, so, we have a little work to do.

JACKSON

Just put it back the way it was.

SOOKIE

No, I want you to be happy!

JACKSON

I was happy, I told you I was happy, you just didn't wanna believe I was happy!

LORELAI

We'll just check on them a little later.

RORY

Excellent idea.

LORELAI

Okay, so, do we do cheese stick, hot dog, cotton candy, or do we mix it up a little – start with the cotton candy and end with the cheese stick? Who are you looking for?

RORY

No one, I'm just taking in all the madness, that's all.

LORELAI

Ah.

KIRK

Lorelai, good. Have you used the cream yet?

LORELAI

Uh, not yet, Kirk.

KIRK

Good, there's been a little problem.

LORELAI

What kind of problem?

KIRK

Nothing of major concern. It just seems that with continual use, the cream develops some weird reactions to light. . .and air. . .and movement.

LORELAI

Are you serious?

KIRK

Don't worry, it's just a small kink. It'll all be worked out soon.

LORELAI

I have three cases of that stuff sitting at the inn.

KIRK

Well, get rid of it.

LORELAI

Kirk.

KIRK

Uh, but don't throw it in the trash. Apparently, that would be an EPA violation.

LORELAI

What am I supposed to do with the stuff?

KIRK

Shooting it into space is about all I've got now.

LORELAI

Kirk!

KIRK

I'll pick up the cases tomorrow.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LORELAI

Hey.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Do you sometimes think this town is weird or is it just me?

LORELAI

Hey Taylor, is this where the mosh pit starts?

TAYLOR

Well, hello Lorelai, Rory. So what do you think of the band? Pretty big city, don't you think?

LORELAI

Mm, I sure do.

TAYLOR

What?

LORELAI

What? I'm agreeing with you. They are smokin'!

TAYLOR

I do not care for that sarcastic tone, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Well. . .uh. . .no, I'm being nice here!

TAYLOR

You have an opinion on everything. Nothing is ever up to your standards.

LORELAI

That is not true. I'm sure these guys are all great barbers.

TAYLOR

I don't even know why I bother. [leaves]

LORELAI

That is it – I have been it for the last. . .[sees Rory staring off at something] What? [sees Jess and a girl kissing against a tree] Oh, well, looks like he's got his 'what I did this summer' essay all researched and ready to go. Guess you dodged a bullet there, huh?

RORY

What do you mean?

LORELAI

I don't know. It seems kind of lucky that you didn't throw everything away for Jess when you see. . .

RORY

See what? What am I seeing?

LORELAI

You're upset.

RORY

No, I'm not upset.

LORELAI

Yes, you are upset. I know when you're upset 'cause you look like my mother.

RORY

Thanks a lot.

LORELAI

You like my mother.

RORY

Yes, but you don't like your mother, so when you tell me that I look like your mother, it's not exactly a compliment.

LORELAI

Honey, what is wrong?

RORY

Oh God!

LORELAI

What is it?

RORY

It's that!

LORELAI

Jess?

RORY

Yes!

LORELAI

You're upset about Jess?

RORY

I said yes.

LORELAI

Yes, it's Jess?

RORY

You're not being funny.

LORELAI

It's not my fault that yes and Jess rhyme. Did I exploit the opportunity, of course I did, but . . .Rory, come on. I know you had this crush –

RORY

It wasn't a crush.

LORELAI

Well, I thought it was over. I mean, you haven't talked to him since –

RORY

Sookie's wedding.

LORELAI

You talked to him at Sookie's wedding?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

He wasn't at Sookie's wedding.

RORY

Yes, he was. He had just come back and he came to see me.

LORELAI

Okay, so he crashed Sookie's wedding, and. . .

RORY

And nothing. He told me that he was back in town, that he'd moved back, and. . .

LORELAI

What Rory? Come on.

RORY

And we kissed, okay?

LORELAI

You kissed?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

You kissed, like. . .you kissed?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Okay, who kissed who?

RORY

What does that matter?

LORELAI

Because it matters. Did he kiss you, did you kiss each other, did you trip and your faces accidentally – .

RORY

I kissed him.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

And I don't know, I thought he came back here because he liked me or something, and I kissed him and he kissed me back, and now he's over there and I feel so stupid and. . .that girl isn't even his type and -

LORELAI

Rory, what are you doing?

RORY

What do you mean, what am I doing? I'm ranting. You should recognize this, I learned it from you.

LORELAI

Yeah, but you went to Sookie's wedding with. . .with Dean.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

And then you ran off to have some thing with Jess.

RORY

It was a kiss, not a thing.

LORELAI

A kiss is a thing.

RORY

Well, it wasn't planned, it just happened.

LORELAI

I can't believe it. All this time I'm thinking, 'She's with Dean.'

RORY

I am with Dean.

LORELAI

No, Rory – kissing another guy is not being with Dean. Ask him, I bet he'd back me up on that.

RORY

It was nothing.

LORELAI

Well, then why are you so freaked out?

RORY

I'm not freaked out.

LORELAI

Look, kid, you have gotta make up your mind. Jess, Dean, Jess, Dean – it's enough already. If you want Jess, that's fine – go get him, there he is. If you think that's the great love of your life, then great. . .grab a liver treat and a squeaky toy and run to him. Don't worry about that girl because I'm sure he will have moved onto somebody else in about an hour. But do something. Dean has been sweet and supportive and incredibly patient, and now you are officially treating him like dirt, and I'm sorry, but not only is that not you, he doesn't deserve that. God, I wish they knew another song!

RORY

I know all of this about Dean.

LORELAI

You do?

RORY

Yes, I do. I know how great he is. I knew it before you did!

LORELAI

Well, knowing this has apparently not stopped you from dragging his heart all over this town.

RORY

Not fair!

LORELAI

Yes, fair, the fairest, the Snow White of fair.

RORY

I don't wanna talk to you about this anymore.

LORELAI

Okay, listen, if you don't wanna be with Dean anymore, cut him loose. Let him find someone who does because this is just so. . .wrong!

RORY

All right, I get it, I . . .just stop!

DEAN

[calls from across the street] Rory! [walks over to them] Hey.

RORY

Hi.

LORELAI

Hi Dean.

RORY

I thought your plane didn't get in 'til six.

DEAN

Well, I managed to get an earlier flight.

LORELAI

Well, I'm off to dinner with the parents.

DEAN

Do you have –

LORELAI

No, she's off the hook. You guys have all night to. . .talk. Enjoy. Good to have you back, Dean.

DEAN

Thanks.

LORELAI

See you later. [leaves]

DEAN

So, did I interrupt something?

RORY

No, nothing. Uh, we were just. . .hi, you're back.

DEAN

Yeah, I'm back – and I'm glad to find you not blonde.

RORY

Yeah, I was just having way too much fun, so . . .

DEAN

I missed you.

RORY

I missed you, too.

EMILY

Lorelai, nice to see you.

LORELAI

Oh, sorry I'm late, Mom.

EMILY

No, don't be sorry. That's what the warm setting was invented for. Richard, Lorelai's here!

LORELAI

Um, Mom, before we get the evening started and all, I wanna tell you something.

EMILY

Well, tell me outside.

LORELAI

No, I'll just do it here.

EMILY

Why?

LORELAI

Oh, there's just something about standing near the exit that's really working for me.

EMILY

You're being silly, you don't discuss things standing by a door. Come outside, come on.

RICHARD

I may have to take one more call tonight, Emily. Ben Stellen and I got cut off. Hello Lorelai.

EMILY

Well, come outside with us until he calls back. Lorelai's about to tell us something.

RICHARD

Oh, perhaps that she's decided to buy an accurate timepiece.

EMILY

Oh, Richard. [they start walking to the back patio] Is Rory okay?

LORELAI

Oh, yes, Rory's fine, I'm fine, everything's fine, it's really not that big a deal.

RICHARD

What would you like to drink?

LORELAI

Oh, whatever.

RICHARD

I can't read minds, Lorelai.

LORELAI

I really don't care, Dad. Whatever you have.

RICHARD

We have everything, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Al right, I'll have a Yaegermeister and a Jell-O shot.

RICHARD

Uh, excuse me?

LORELAI

White wine.

EMILY

All right, sit, sit. [they sit down] Now go ahead, tell us.

LORELAI

Okay, well –

EMILY

Oh, wait just a second. We brought you something from Martha's Vineyard.

LORELAI

Oh, that's great, but maybe we could just do... [Emily hands her a gift bag]. . .okay, I guess it's present time.

EMILY

Open it.

LORELAI

Scone mix, wow.

EMILY

This new little place opened right down the road from our house and they make these wonderful scones, and that is their mix so you can make them right in your own kitchen.

LORELAI

Well, thanks, Mom. I will put this right on the counter and stare at it for many years to come.

EMILY

You're not going to make them?

LORELAI

Oh, I'm not really much of a baker.

EMILY

But the instructions are right there on the back.

LORELAI

Yeah, I know, but still.

EMILY

Still what? Those are good scones.

LORELAI

Hey, maybe I'll give this to Sookie and she'll bake them.

EMILY

I don't understand why you simply can't follow those directions and make the scones.

RICHARD

Rory would love those scones.

LORELAI

Okay, I promise one way or another, the scones will get eaten. That being said, can we please move on?

EMILY

Fine, go ahead, talk, we're listening.

LORELAI

Um, okay, well, um, it's about Christopher.

EMILY

Oh, that reminds me, we got him a captain's hat. Richard, where is that hat? Lorelai can bring it to him.

LORELAI

No, I can't!

EMILY

Why not?

LORELAI

Well, it's just, um. . .Chris and I aren't . . .

RICHARD

Aren't what?

EMILY

They aren't together anymore, Richard.

RICHARD

Why not?

EMILY

I'm sure a vague reason is forthcoming.

LORELAI

It just didn't work out, that's all.

EMILY

And there it is.

LORELAI

I know you're disappointed.

EMILY

Disappointed, oh please! Lorelai, this is ridiculous. The two of you aren't in high school anymore.

LORELAI

I know.

RICHARD

Emily, let's not talk about this.

EMILY

No, we are going to talk about it. You're running around like you have no responsibility in life, like you can flit from thing to thing. . .

LORELAI

That's not true.

EMILY

. . .from man to man.

LORELAI

I don't flit from man to man.

EMILY

You have a daughter, this affects Rory too, you know!

RICHARD

Emily, you're wasting your breath.

LORELAI

I know this affects Rory. I'm not doing this lightly. In fact, I'm not doing anything at all.

RICHARD

There's no reason to raise your voice.

LORELAI

I can't believe this.

EMILY

I wanna know why. I want a reason. I don't want any of this 'just because' and 'it just didn't work out' nonsense. I want a solid, adult reason why the father of my granddaughter and her mother can't seem to put a family together.

LORELAI

His girlfriend is pregnant.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Sherry is pregnant, and when Christopher found out, he went back to her and that, Mother, is the reason.

EMILY

Are they getting married?

LORELAI

I don't know – probably.

RICHARD

Oh, of course they're getting married.

EMILY

How do you know?

RICHARD

I know because I know Christopher, and Christopher always tries to do the right thing.

EMILY

The right thing is for him to be with his family. Lorelai and Rory are his family. He met this woman two minutes ago.

RICHARD

Emily, he is going to be a father.

EMILY

He already is a father!

LORELAI

I really really don't wanna discuss this anymore.

EMILY

Lorelai, you have to talk to him.

LORELAI

There's nothing to talk about.

EMILY

Tell him you wanna get married.

LORELAI

Okay, Mom, please stop.

RICHARD

Yes, Emily, please stop. You know that Lorelai never does anything unless she wants to – no matter the consequences to anyone else.

LORELAI

What's that supposed to mean?

EMILY

Lorelai wants to be with Christopher, she told us that at the wedding.

RICHARD

Yes, and now the wind has changed.

LORELAI

Excuse me?

RICHARD

Christopher is living up to his responsibilities as he tried to do many years ago with Lorelai, then she turned him down and turned him away.

LORELAI

I was sixteen.

RICHARD

If Christopher has found someone who will actually allow him to be a father to his own child, then of course, that's what he's going to do.

EMILY

So you support this?

RICHARD

I understand this.

EMILY

I am appalled by your attitude.

RICHARD

And I am shocked by your naïveté. Did you really expect this to work out? Did you really have pictures of Norman Rockwell family Christmases dancing in your head? Lorelai had her chance for a family, she walked away from it. That was her choice. He has a chance to be a father. I applaud him.

EMILY

Then you're an idiot.

RICHARD

If you'll excuse me, I'm going into my study.

EMILY

Richard! You do not walk out on me when we are having a discussion. Richard!

LUKE

We're closed.

LORELAI

I know. Look, I didn't come here to make up, or to try to get you to forgive me, or talk. I wouldn't even have come here at all but I had a really crappy night and I really, really need a cup of coffee. Just pretend I'm not me. I'm Mimi, a new customer. I've never been in here before. I was just walking down the street and I spotted this place. 'Ooh, hey, nice place.' And I came in. Now Mimi is going to pour herself a cup of coffee and sit over here way far away from you, and she promises, just as soon as she's done, she will rinse out her own cup and leave.

LORELAI

This is the second time I let myself do this.

LUKE

Do what?

LORELAI

Think I finally found it.

LUKE

Found what?

LORELAI

Love, comfort, safety.

LUKE

Ah.

LORELAI

I mean, first with Max, which of course, I screwed up, and then with Christopher, which of course, all the elements of the universe got together to screw up.

LUKE

Yup, it's tough when the universe is against you. That's like taking on the Manhattan garbage union.

LORELAI

I always thought if he could just get it together, grow up – maybe we could do it. Maybe we could really be a family, in the stupid, traditional 'Dan Quayle, golden retriever, grow old together, wear matching jogging suits' kind of way. And then he did get it together – he became that guy... and he gets to be that guy with her. Chris is gonna have a baby with his girlfriend. He's gonna marry her. . .and he's gonna be there for her while she's pregnant and he's gonna be there with her while her child grows up, and he's gonna be there for her while she does... whatever it is she does. And I am in exactly the same place that I was in before.

LUKE

Is that so bad? I mean, you got Rory.

LORELAI

Yes, I do.

LUKE

You got friends, you got a house, a job, apparently an iron stomach.

LORELAI

No, it's not so bad. I'm lucky, I know. I just. . .I feel like I'm never gonna have it. . .the whole package, you know? That person, that couple life, and I swear, I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Wonder Woman, but. . .I really want it – the whole package.

LUKE

You'll get it.

LORELAI

How do you know?

LUKE

I know.

LORELAI

How do you know?

LUKE

Because I know, okay? I know. Now eat your donut.

LORELAI

I'm really not very hungry.

LUKE

Well, take it with you. You will be later.

LUKE

Forget it, first time customers are on the house. Mimi, was it?

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

Come again, Mimi.

LORELAI

Thanks, I will. Seems like a very nice place.

LORELAI

Hey, you're home.

RORY

Yup, I'm home.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, I figured how to get the Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer out of our heads – to sing the Small World song over and over for the next forty-eight hours. Of course, how we get the Small World song out of our heads, I have not worked out yet. Okay, see, that was not how that whole scene between us was supposed to go.

RORY

No?

LORELAI

No. I mean, yes, I was surprised and I do think the basic sentiment of 'make up your mind' was kind of called for.

RORY

Absolutely called for.

LORELAI

But I didn't mean to upset you and yell at you and make you feel bad, I'm really sorry, hon.

RORY

I know, but you were right.

LORELAI

Ah, well, that's once, I guess.

RORY

So how was dinner?

LORELAI

So how was Dean?

RORY

So how was dinner?

LORELAI

So how was Dean?

RORY

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Williams' sisters take center stage at Wimbledon once again.

LORELAI

Dinner was bad.

RORY

Sorry.

LORELAI

That's okay, I knew it would be. Oh, but the good news is we can now go back to Luke's.

RORY

You made up! How did you make up?

LORELAI

Well, I'm Mimi now.

RORY

Oh, sure.

LORELAI

So speaking of Dean, is there still a Dean?

RORY

Yeah, there's still a Dean.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

I don't know what I was doing. Maybe it's because I haven't dated a lot but this Jess thing was crazy. And I do love Dean and you were absolutely right – I was treating him like dirt and I wasn't appreciating what was right in front of me, but I'm going to now.

LORELAI

Rory, I don't want you to stay with Dean because of me.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

'Cause I was upset earlier.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

I still have this Christopher thing bugging me and the pressure of tonight's dinner.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

I didn't wanna upset you and I certainly don't want you to make an important decision off of –

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Because it's too important –

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

And I just want you to be happy.

RORY

Mom! All I did was think about what you said, that's all. Then I analyzed the situation.

LORELAI

And then you made a pro and con list.

RORY

You're mocking me, but yes, I did. And after all of this, I came to the conclusion that I want to make things good with Dean, and he deserves my undivided attention.

LORELAI

And you feel good about this?

RORY

I feel really good about this.

LORELAI

Okay, because if you decided you really did wanna date Jess, I would help you. . .get vaccinated.

RORY

Thank you, but I'm good.

LORELAI

All right, as long as you're good.

RORY

I am good.

LORELAI

Well, okay, good.

RORY

What about you, are you good?

LORELAI

Me? Well, I'm gonna be good.

RORY

Is there anything I can do to help?

LORELAI

Your existence is a huge help.

RORY

We're both gonna be good.

LORELAI

Yeah. I wonder if Christopher and Sherry's baby is going to look like me?

RORY

Well, if the kid knows what's good for it, it absolutely will.

LORELAI

Hand me my purse, will you? I'm hungry.