T3E2: “Haunted Leg”

RORY

Well, this is nice, isn’t it? [pause] So, Grandma, Grandpa is traveling again, huh?

EMILY

Yes, he is.

RORY

Business must be good.

EMILY

Seems to be.

RORY

That’s great. Isn’t that great, Mom?

LORELAI

A jig is forthcoming.

RORY

Mom’s business is great, too. I mean, not that it’s without its problem, you know, but they’re usually funny problems. . .like, um. . .oh! Mom, why don’t you tell Grandma about the mouse?

EMILY

What mouse?

RORY

Mom?

LORELAI

There’s a mouse at the inn.

EMILY

Is the place dirty?

LORELAI

No, it’s just surrounded by this thing called nature and. . .mice happen.

EMILY

Mice carry diseases, you know.

LORELAI

It’s a tiny little field mouse, Mom.

EMILY

I don’t care how big it is, it’s still a rodent.

LORELAI

Let’s just change the subject, shall we?

EMILY

You should set a trap.

LORELAI

Got it covered.

EMILY

Just make sure you don’t use poison.

LORELAI

Got it covered.

EMILY

They will eat the poison and then go into the walls and die, decompose, and the entire place will smell.

LORELAI

I’ve got it covered, but thanks.

EMILY

I just have to say, I don’t know why you’re the one sitting here with an attitude. I’m the one who should be mad.

LORELAI

Let’s not do this, okay Mom?

EMILY

After all, you’re the one who just walked out of here last week without saying a word.

LORELAI

Because I couldn’t get a word in.

EMILY

Your father and I were shocked and upset.

LORELAI

So what else is new?

EMILY

You didn’t give us five minutes to digest the news.

LORELAI

Please, find the off switch.

EMILY

You simply dumped it on us and walked out. I hardly think that’s fair.

LORELAI

Mom, it doesn’t matter. It’s over. Let’s just move on, okay? We came here to have a nice evening, so. . .come on, let’s have it. [picks up the newspaper from the coffee table]

RORY

Something smells good.

EMILY

Braised lamb shank.

RORY

Oh, braised lamb shank! I love a lamb shank when it is braised.

LORELAI

Oh my God.

EMILY

Reading in front of other people is extremely rude, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Shauna Christy shot her husband.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Shauna Christy, you remember Shauna Christy.

EMILY

Yes, I remember Shauna Christy, she was a lovely girl.

LORELAI

Well, apparently this lovely girl came home to find her husband giving the nanny a nice little bonus package. And they say good help is hard to find.

EMILY

That’s just gossip.

LORELAI

Gossip? The man was shot thirty-five times. He looks like a sprinkler system.

EMILY

I can’t believe this. Shauna was always such a nice girl. She was bright, cultured, well-spoken.

LORELAI

And apparently a big Annie Oakley fan.

EMILY

This is not funny, the woman committed a crime.

LORELAI

Okay, fine.

EMILY

This is a tragedy.

LORELAI

My bad, sorry.

EMILY

A man is dead, a young woman ruined.

LORELAI

Consider the subject dropped.

EMILY

At least she had a husband to kill.

LORELAI

This is nice, isn’t it?

RORY

Bless you.

LORELAI

Thank you. Ugh, I hate having a cold.

RORY

I know you do.

LORELAI

Ugh, it’s bad enough being sick, but anybody can have a cold.

RORY

I know they can.

LORELAI

I mean, I’d like to have a good illness, something different, impressive. Just once I’d like to be able to say, "Yeah, I’m not feeling so good, my leg is haunted."

RORY

See, there’s a reason why you only take one packet of TheraFlu at a time.

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LUKE

All right, pancakes, one fried egg, side of bacon. Chicken noodle soup, side of mashed potatoes.

RORY

Thanks, Luke.

LORELAI

Thanks.

LUKE

How’s the cold coming?

LORELAI

It’s fine.

LUKE

Any better?

LORELAI

It’s fine.

LUKE

It’s the third day in a row you’ve ordered soup for breakfast.

LORELAI

Oh, thanks for the tally.

LUKE

You know what helps get rid of a cold?

LORELAI

Endless vague questioning first thing in the morning?

LUKE

A healthy immune system.

LORELAI

My second guess.

LUKE

And you know how you get a healthy immune system?

LORELAI

Remember when you hated me? That was fun, wasn’t it?

LUKE

Is it eating nothing but crap all day and blowing out your brain cells with coffee?

RORY

No.

LUKE

That’s right, no.

LORELAI

Why are you helping him?

RORY

No seemed like the right answer.

LUKE

Eat a vegetable now and then, maybe some high fiber cereal in the morning.

LORELAI

Listen, Grandpa, my soup’s getting cold.

LUKE

At least eat the carrots in the soup this time, not just the noodles.

LORELAI

I promise.

LORELAI

Eat my carrots.

RORY

Apparently, maturity is extremely overrated in your universe.

LORELAI

That’s right. The Empress Bobo Belle forbids it. Eat.

SHANE

Hey.

JESS

Hey.

SHANE

So?

JESS

One sec.

SHANE

Jess.

JESS

Relax. I’m out. Let’s go.

SHANE

Okay.

LORELAI

Ladies and gentlemen, an entire conversation in ten words or less.

RORY

A true meeting of the minds.

DEAN

Okay, so, uh, please don’t hate me, but I already ate breakfast.

RORY

See, nice full sentences.

DEAN

What?

LORELAI

Don’t ruin it.

LORELAI

You’re sure?

MICHEL

Positive. It ran right across the lobby and into the fireplace.

LORELAI

I don’t see it.

MICHEL

Well, it must’ve found a hole to crawl into.

LORELAI

We cannot have this mouse running around the inn. Customers will freak.

MICHEL

Well, tell them it’s a baby. People love babies. They’ll talk to it in funny voices.

LORELAI

Did you call an exterminator?

MICHEL

Why, no, what a wonderful idea. I was actually going to fasten a large wedge of cheese to my head and lay on the ground until Mickey gets hungry and decides to crawl out and snack on my face.

LORELAI

When does he get here?

MICHEL

He said we were the first stop.

LORELAI

What do we do until them?

MICHEL

Make cat sounds?

KIRK

Excuse me, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Oh, hey Kirk. Hold on a sec. [to Michel] Just stand here and make sure it doesn’t come out.

MICHEL

Oh, goody, a promotion.

LORELAI

[walks over to Kirk] Hi Kirk. What can I do for ya?

KIRK

I have a delivery for Sookie.

LORELAI

Oh, well, anything good?

KIRK

No, just some wedding photos.

LORELAI

Great. Well, she stepped out for a minute, but I’ll take ‘em to her. I swear, I’ll give ‘em to her. If you want, I’ll leave and find her and then I’ll give them to her.

KIRK

No, that won’t be necessary.

LORELAI

Okay, well. . .

KIRK

Uh, Lorelai, can I speak to you for a moment?

LORELAI

Oh, sure.

KIRK

Could we sit?

LORELAI

Sit. . .sure, let’s sit. [they sit down on the sofa] Is everything okay?

KIRK

Okay?

LORELAI

Yes.

KIRK

With me?

LORELAI

Yes.

KIRK

Well, my mother has developed a condition – makes her knees enormous. Yesterday I spent all morning cutting holes in her pants so she could sit, but other than that and the dyspeptic parrot problem, everything is fine.

LORELAI

Well, good, I’m glad. Okay, well, um, I’m gonna –

KIRK

I was just wondering . . .

LORELAI

Yes. . .wondering what?

KIRK

We’ve known each other for a good amount of time now. Our, uh, paths have crossed professionally and socially a number of times, all with relatively pleasant results, and well, I was just wondering if you would like to have dinner with me?

LORELAI

Oh.

KIRK

In two weeks.

LORELAI

Two weeks?

KIRK

I heard you have a cold. I think two weeks is enough time to ensure the virus is out of your system.

LORELAI

Well, Kirk, I –

KIRK

You don’t have to answer me right away. I know that this is completely out of the blue for you. Take a few days and think about it. [starts walking toward the door]

LORELAI

Kirk, wait.

KIRK

By the way, I think you might be the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. . .outside of a really filthy magazine.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LORELAI

Don’t.

MICHEL

I am doing nothing. Ben, however, has dropped dead from laughter.

RORY

How long have you been sitting there?

LORELAI

Not long. An hour. . .and a half.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Because.

RORY

‘Cause why?

LORELAI

Because today is the last first day of high school you’re ever gonna have.

RORY

You’re insane.

LORELAI

I’m not insane, I’m just sentimental, and you’re grown.

RORY

I’m not grown.

LORELAI

Yes, you are, you’re all grown up and soon you’ll be going off into the world.

RORY

Not yet.

LORELAI

But soon. And after you spread those wings and fly away, I won’t have the opportunity to give you this.

RORY

What is it?

LORELAI

It’s your bill.

RORY

My what?

LORELAI

Yeah. I’ve been crunching the numbers, you know, adding up what you’ve cost me over the years – raising you, clothing you, feeding you, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

RORY

Mmhmm.

LORELAI

Yes, I’ve itemized everything here by years and income ratio. I thought you could factor it into your student loan.

RORY

Oh boy.

LORELAI

One thing that’s painfully obvious here – you’ve used an extraordinary number of diapers.

RORY

I’m gonna go take a shower.

LORELAI

Really, it’s cost a fortune. What were you using all those diapers for?

RORY

I was building my ‘make Mommy go away’ castle.

LORELAI

All right, you got home too late last night and I didn’t get a chance to talk to you.

RORY

I got home at ten and you were already asleep.

LORELAI

Well, I was trying to watch The Legend of Bagger Vance again.

RORY

Okay, what did I miss?

LORELAI

Okay. Kirk asked me out.

RORY

Shut up!

LORELAI

Yesterday he came to the inn and asked me to dinner.

RORY

That’s so sweet.

LORELAI

Sweet?

RORY

You should wear your dress with the ponies on it. I bet he likes ponies.

LORELAI

Rory, I cannot go out with Kirk.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Uh huh. . .why? He’s. . .he’s Kirk!

RORY

Well, as long as he loves you.

LORELAI

You are not serious.

RORY

I just want you to be happy.

LORELAI

"Hello Headmaster Charleston, this is my stepfather Kirk. Please don’t make any sudden movements, he’s a fear biter."

RORY

Okay, so how will you let him down?

LORELAI

I don’t know. That’s why I needed to talk to you, you’re the nice one in the family.

RORY

Well, you could just tell him the truth. You could tell him that you’re not interested in dating him and that you just wanna be friends.

LORELAI

That sounds so lame.

RORY

You could tell him you’re involved with someone.

LORELAI

Yeah, because my current karma is so great in that area, I can really afford to jinx it with that kind of lie – no!

RORY

Okay, then you figure it out.

LORELAI

All right. . .we’re gonna have to move.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Take off in the middle of the night, leave everything behind, assume different identities. I’ll join a local community theater and I’ll drive you to soccer. It’ll work for many years until the FBI comes to get me, and by that time, you’re on your own.

RORY

I don’t play soccer.

LORELAI

You do now.

LORELAI

Stop!

RORY

It’s funny.

LORELAI

It’s not funny, it’s bad! I have to see this guy. He works at every business in town, I can’t get away from him!

RORY

Well, then you should marry him and move in with his mother.

LORELAI

I’ll handle it myself, thank you very much.

RORY

Sorry, just trying to help.

LORELAI

So you have your swearing in ceremony today.

RORY

At three, do not be late.

LORELAI

I will not be late.

RORY

Okay, I have something to tell you.

LORELAI

Is it about Vince Foster?

RORY

It’s about Grandma.

LORELAI

Oops.

RORY

She’s coming today.

LORELAI

No!

RORY

Mom, I’m sorry. She found out about it, she called. . .

LORELAI

And you said yes?

RORY

She’s my grandmother.

LORELAI

So?

RORY

So what am I supposed to say?

LORELAI

Say "Sorry, Grandma, but if my mother sees you, she’ll run screaming down the hall."

RORY

You’ll be sitting there listening to the ceremony, you hardly have to talk at all.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

Hey, we are family.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, look how great that worked out for Sister Sledge.

RORY

I’m gonna go take a shower. You’ll be pouting out here when I’m done?

LORELAI

No, I gotta go to work. I’ll see you this afternoon.

RORY

At three.

LORELAI

There goes my little vice president, off to rule the world.

RORY

Well, Paris will be ruling the world. I will be holding her keys.

LORELAI

I’m still proud of you.

RORY

I appreciate it.

LORELAI

Honey, you have power, brains, now all you need is a dimwitted, drunken or drug-addicted relative to constantly humiliate you while you serve in office.

RORY

Will you work on that for me?

LORELAI

Two steps ahead of you.

LORELAI

Ah, time?

RORY

3:01.

LORELAI

No, oh man, not fair, stupid traffic lights!

RORY

That’s okay, it doesn’t start ‘til 3:15.

LORELAI

But I so tried to . . . you lied to me.

RORY

Did I?

LORELAI

You said it was at three, and it’s at three-fifteen.

RORY

Well, I guess I did.

LORELAI

Ah! That’s it, I’m standing up in the middle of your speech and demanding a recount.

RORY

Shall we seat you?

LORELAI

Betrayed, lied to and humiliated.

RORY

Well, get used to it – I am in politics now.

LORELAI

Hey, where’s, uh. . .

RORY

She’s not here yet.

LORELAI

You told her the real time, didn’t you?

RORY

Well, Grandma can handle structure. How’s this?

LORELAI

Fine.

RORY

Okay, great. You can sit there and you can put your purse on that chair to save it for Grandma.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, great idea.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Fine, yeah, saving the seat. [sits down and puts her purse on the chair next to her] There, all saved.

RORY

Thank you. Now, I’ll meet right outside afterwards, okay?

LORELAI

Okay. I just want you to remember three things while you’re sitting up there: I love you, you’re the greatest kid in the world, and you’re in a skirt, keep your knees closed.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Hey, this is good advice. When I was in school, Linda Lee was class treasurer and she could not keep her knees closed if they were magnetized. Hanes should’ve given her an endorsement deal.

EMILY

Lorelai!

LORELAI

Hi Mom.

EMILY

[sits down] You could’ve put your handbag there to save my seat, you know.

HEADMASTER

Ladies and Gentlemen, I welcome you. Assemblies like this are always happy ones for me, initiating in a new group of school leaders. Chilton’s always prided itself on the quality of its student government, and this year we may have outdone ourselves. These young men and women up on this stage represent the best and the brightest of what this school has to offer. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to present to you your student body government of 2003. [applause]

RORY

[at podium] . . .a larger awareness of the world around us. Problems that not only face us here at school but will face us when we leave school, and more importantly, will face the next generation that follows us. We must learn that our actions have consequences, that someone else will have to clean up our mess. We need to figure out how to make that mess a little smaller. If a small fraction of these things can be accomplished this year, then I will feel like our administration has done its job. Thank you. [applause]

PARIS

[at podium] In the past, all great empires have fallen. The feeling seems to be that it’s inevitable – that something like what the Romans built could not last. Maybe they’re right. Maybe there is no way of keeping something that big and prosperous permanently. Maybe there is no way of keeping our legacy from becoming obsolete. Well, I intend to fly in the face of such thinking, and damn it, I will succeed. I certainly don’t wanna come back here twenty years from now on Alumni’s Night and find this place turned into a high priced charm school, pink and white with big cheerleading megaphones painted on the walls. I wouldn’t be able to take it. I would have to dismantle the place stone by stone with my bare hands. . .

ALL STUDENTS ON STAGE

I have faith in the Chilton Handbook, so let it be forever.

HEADMASTER

Congratulations and good luck. [applause]

EMILY

Is Rory coming out?

LORELAI

That’s what she said. It was a nice ceremony.

EMILY

Yes, it was.

LORELAI

Long.

EMILY

Very long.

LORELAI

The longest.

EMILY

Lorelai –

RORY

[walking up to them] Hey. You’re both here.

LORELAI

Yeah, we’re here.

EMILY

Of course we’re here. We wouldn’t have missed it for the world. You looked wonderful up there, Rory.

LORELAI

Yeah, good job with the knees.

RORY

Thank you. I’m gonna run to my locker and get my backpack, then we can go.

LORELAI

I’ll be here.

RORY

Bye Grandma. [walks away]

LORELAI

You know, you don’t have to wait, Mom, if you have things to do.

EMILY

Oh. . .well, all right. [starts to walk away, then turns back] Lorelai, I was wondering if we could have lunch.

LORELAI

Lunch?

EMILY

Yes, just the two of us.

LORELAI

Oh, well –

EMILY

Tomorrow would be good for me.

LORELAI

Tomorrow, lunch tomorrow, lunch with you tomorrow. . .

EMILY

We can do it anywhere you’d like. Perhaps at that Luke’s Diner you two seem to love so much.

LORELAI

Lunch – at Luke’s – with you? Wow, I can’t even put the visual together.

EMILY

I can meet you there at one.

LORELAI

One? Well –

EMILY

If one isn’t good, you pick a time. I’ll make it work.

LORELAI

All right. One o’clock at Luke’s.

EMILY

Wonderful. I’ll see you then.

PARIS

Look, let’s face it, the last administration might have just as well been running around yelling ‘Toga!’ for all the brilliant things they accomplished. But this year – everything changes, starting with the library. It’s completely out of proportion with its subjects. I mean, there’s five hundred volumes on the French Revolution, yet only three on the Crusades. How do they expect us to get a decent education with inferior resources like that? Huh, seems like the hour’s almost up. Okay, well, I think this has been an extremely successful first gathering. I appreciate all the class presidents coming and being on time. So before I adjourn this meeting, is there anything anyone would like to say?

RORY

People’s names might have been nice.

FRANCIE

Actually, I have something I’d like to put on the table to be discussed.

PARIS

Oh, okay. Well, we only have a couple of minutes, so give us the Reader’s Digest version.

FRANCIE

As president of the senior class, a certain problem has been brought to my attention. For the past thirty years, the Chilton regulations have stated that skirts must be no higher than three-quarters of an inch above the knee, that’s it. Any higher, the student gets written up. I propose to put to an immediate vote an amendment to raise hemlines an additional inch and a half.

PARIS

Hemlines?

FRANCIE

That’s right.

PARIS

That’s the major issue on the senior class’ mind?

FRANCIE

It’s one of the major issues, yes.

PARIS

Well, okay – thank you, Francie, for giving us something really important to mull over here. I anticipate a lot of sleepless nights for many of the people in this room. I will take that under advisement and get back to you as soon as I can.

FRANCIE

Oh, okay, fine. Thanks.

PARIS

Now, if that’s it, I officially call the first meeting of the Chilton student body presidents to a close. I’ll see you all Friday. [bangs gavel on the table]

GIRL

What idiot gave her a gavel?

RORY

Okay, see, the whole point of having an informal ‘get to know you’ gathering was actually to have an informal ‘get to know you’ gathering.

PARIS

What’s your point?

RORY

You just spent an hour walking around talking about your agenda.

PARIS

I’m student body president – that’s my job.

RORY

But we got donuts, and we didn’t touch the donuts. The donuts are still sitting next to the coffee that we never passed out. We were supposed to spend this time to talk, bond, get to know each other.

PARIS

Geez, Rory, we’ve been sitting in a room together for sixty minutes – what else do you want, a ring?

FRANCIE

Hi. Excuse me, Paris? I just wanted to say on behalf of the entire senior class, congratulations on your win and I’m really looking forward to working very closely with you this year.

PARIS

Thanks.

FRANCIE

Okay. See you later. Bye Rory. You two are gonna make a great team. [leaves]

PARIS

Yes, the jerseys are coming on Friday. [to Rory] Okay, I’m gonna drop the demand for the librarian’s resignation tonight. You wanna read it before I send it?

RORY

Are you sure the first thing you wanna do in office is to get a ninety-three year old woman sacked?

PARIS

Hey, at least I’m not putting her on an iceberg and shoving her off to sea, which considering the fact that you can’t find the Shakespeare section without psychic powers yet the Cliffs Notes rack practically smacks you in the face on the way in, is totally justified.

RORY

And we’re off.

SOOKIE

Okay, I just got a message that a vegetarian menu was requested for tonight.

LORELAI

Yeah, Lasano’s, party of five at eight o’clock.

SOOKIE

I thought you said you weren’t gonna let vegetarians in here anymore.

LORELAI

No, you said you weren’t gonna let vegetarians in here anymore.

SOOKIE

But I’m making my baked stuffed pork chops for tonight.

LORELAI

Well, make ‘em for the other guests and make something else for the Lasano’s.

SOOKIE

Like what?

LORELAI

I don’t know. Pasta, you make great pasta.

SOOKIE

But that’s boring, anyone can make pasta. I’m an artist. You don’t dictate to an artist, you don’t tell him what to do. I mean, no ever walked up to Degas and said, "Hey, pal, easy with the dancers, enough already. Draw a nice fruit bowl once in awhile, will ya?"

LORELAI

A great artist can make art out of anything, including pasta.

SOOKIE

Fine, pasta, whoo.

LORELAI

Is there coffee?

SOOKIE

Just made some.

LORELAI

Great.

SOOKIE

So today’s your lunch with Emily.

LORELAI

Yup.

SOOKIE

Any idea what she’s gonna say?

LORELAI

No, but I bet it’s not, "I’m joining the circus, feed your father until I get back." I should just cancel.

SOOKIE

You can’t cancel, you’re meeting her in an hour.

LORELAI

I know, but this goes against every rule I have in the Gilmore survival guide. Number one – no running with scissors. Number two – no pageboy haircuts. Number three – never ever have lunch alone with a mother.

SOOKIE

It might not be so bad.

LORELAI

Saying yes to this lunch with my mother is like saying "Sounds fun!" to a ride with Clemenza.

SOOKIE

Think good thoughts, she could surprise you.

LORELAI

I guess.

SOOKIE

People change, you know. They do it every day. I mean, one minute you could be. . .oh, let’s say a vegetarian, and the next minute you could accidentally have a bite of a stuffed pork chop that changes your entire way of thinking.

LORELAI

Sookie.

SOOKIE

Oh, suddenly life’s fun, suddenly there’s a reason to get up in the morning – it’s called bacon!

LORELAI

Forget it.

SOOKIE

Come on!

LORELAI

Pasta.

SOOKIE

Let the people grow, dammit!

FRANCIE

Rory, hi, nice of you to join us.

RORY

Francie, what –

FRANCIE

No, I talk, okay? Great. Now let’s discuss Paris.

RORY

What about her?

FRANCIE

She seems to have the very strange idea that she’s actually in charge around here, and I thought it’d be good if I let you in on a little secret. . .she’s not.

RORY

Why don’t you tell her this yourself?

FRANCIE

Because talking to Paris is like shopping for a bathing suit in December – frustrating, fruitless, and a complete waste of time. Now, you, you might be the wallflower, but you’re obviously the Meyer Lansky behind this organization.

RORY

I am not the Meyer Lansky.

FRANCIE

What’s that noise? What is that noise? Oh wait, it’s me, still talking. Didn’t you hear it? Obviously not. Anyhow, Paris is student body president – big fat deal. There are three other class presidents – the junior class president, the sophomore class president, and oh, yes, the senior class president – me.

RORY

I know all this.

FRANCIE

Well, then, it’s off the short bus for you, isn’t it? Now if Paris thinks she’s gonna march around dictating mandates and ignoring what I have to say, then she’s in for a major bikini wax.

RORY

Thanks for the visual.

FRANCIE

Without me, she’s nothing. Just another power mad, insecure, friendless, dateless, highlight-less loser wandering around trying to make someone care that they exist at all, which, by the way, no one does. I control the senior class. I am also the leader of the Puffs, the most exclusive society on this campus, and I have the power to make her life a living hell.

RORY

Francie, she’s just –

FRANCIE

I can make sure she does nothing this year but lead the student body in whatever version of the Pledge of Allegiance happens to be constitutional at the time.

RORY

What do you want me to do about it?

FRANCIE

I want you to go back to Margaret Thatcher and tell her to play ball. She’s gonna support the hemline issue, and any other issue that I bring up for the rest of the year. Otherwise I’ll make her so ineffectual, she’ll make Jimmy Carter look like Martin Sheen – do you get me?

RORY

We’re supposed to be representing the interests of the student body. We are not supposed to be brokering backdoor deals and pushing through agendas with intimidation and bribery. I mean, what are we, French skating judges?

FRANCIE

Wise up, Goldilocks.

RORY

My hair’s brown.

FRANCIE

This is politics. If you’ve got a problem, tell it to Noam Chomsky. I live in the real world, now blow. Oh, and I would keep this conversation between you and me. Paris tends to get a little paranoid when there’s other mammals at the watering hole, so her finding out that you were conferring with me might not make your vice presidency any easier.

RORY

I am not conferring with you. A hand came out of the bathroom and pulled me in.

FRANCIE

What are you talking about? You sought me out because you thought Paris was a little out of line today and you wanted to make sure my very delicate feelings weren’t hurt. You are so sweet to think of me. I feel much better now that I have you on my side. Bye now, see you at the hemster.

LUKE

What the hell are you doing here?

LORELAI

Ah, I came for the warmth.

LUKE

Well, you’re just not usually here this time of day, that’s all.

LORELAI

Well, I’m meeting someone for lunch.

LUKE

Oh, Kirk?

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

You’re meeting Kirk?

LORELAI

Why would you say that?

LUKE

Well, I know he asked you out so I just assumed.

LORELAI

How do you know he asked me out?

LUKE

He told me.

LORELAI

He told you?

LUKE

Yesterday.

LORELAI

Oh my God.

LUKE

Hey, relax, I think it’s great.

LORELAI

Why, why would he tell you?

LUKE

Well, actually, he came to me for a little advice.

LORELAI

About what?

LUKE

About whether or not I thought he had a shot with you. After all, I know ya, I’ve been to your house, I know whether or not you have stain resistant rugs.

LORELAI

I’m lying down now.

LUKE

When he found out you had wood floors, he seemed very pleased.

LORELAI

Oh, Luke.

LUKE

I told him you like movies and junk food, and of course, talking incessantly, but we both agreed that there’s nothing like some good lovin’ to shut a person up, if you know what I mean.

LORELAI

I’m sorry, can you bring me a sharper fork? I’m not sure this one will go all the way through your hand.

LUKE

Okay, now, I know it’s new so you probably don’t wanna jinx it, so I won’t talk about it anymore. But I have to tell you, seeing that guy’s face when he was talking about you. . .he almost had an expression.

LORELAI

Far, far away from me.

LUKE

[sings] Love is in the air.

LORELAI

Ha!

EMILY

Why are you throwing cutlery in a public place?

LORELAI

Uh, ‘cause I feel stupid doing it at home?

EMILY

I’m sorry I’m late, there was a little traffic on the way. Perhaps had I been on time, there would still be the possibility of soup.

LORELAI

I haven’t been here that long. See, I still have a knife.

EMILY

I’m glad to hear it.

LORELAI

So, you gonna sit?

EMILY

Oh, yes, of course. [wipes off the seat, then sits down] There we go. Well, this is nice. You certainly can see the whole town from here, can’t you?

LORELAI

Yes, you can.

EMILY

I can see why you come here so much. It must be fun to just sit and people-watch. Well, let’s see what they’ve got, shall we? [opens menu] Oh, Caesar salad – is that good here?

LORELAI

Uh, I’m sure it is.

EMILY

You’ve never had it?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

Has Rory?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

Oh. Well, Caesar salads can be extremely unsafe if they use bad eggs.

LORELAI

Get something else.

EMILY

Of course, if they’re coddled, it would be fine. Do you know if they coddle the eggs here?

LORELAI

I have no idea.

EMILY

You don’t know? You come here every day.

LORELAI

Why don’t you ask Luke if they’re coddled?

EMILY

Oh, he’ll just say they are. I’ll have a Cobb salad. What are you going to have?

LORELAI

A Caesar salad with extra uncoddled eggs on the side.

EMILY

Really, Lorelai, would a serious answer once in awhile kill you?

LORELAI

Sorry, Mom. Uh, honestly, I’m a little confused.

EMILY

About what?

LORELAI

About this.

EMILY

What’s confusing? We’re having lunch.

LORELAI

I know we’re having lunch, but we don’t usually have lunch, especially not in my town at Luke’s Diner.

EMILY

I just figured you had to work, it’d be easier on you this way.

LORELAI

Okay, that’s fine, if I –

LUKE

You two ready to order?

EMILY

Yes. How is your Caesar salad dressing prepared?

LUKE

I’ll have to call Paul Newman and ask him.

EMILY

A Cobb salad and an iced tea.

LORELAI

Cheeseburger, fries, onion rings and a cherry coke.

LUKE

Any pie today?

LORELAI

Hm, no thanks.

LUKE

Cutting back a little, huh? Trying to look good for the big day. Smart, very smart.

LORELAI

Make sure you check that frying oil with your face.

EMILY

What was that all about?

LORELAI

Ah, nothing, just a little small town charm. Now, please, Mom, tell me – why did you ask me to lunch?

EMILY

Because I wanted to spend some time alone with my daughter.

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

Well, Rory drops by after school every now and then, so we see her alone.

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

But we never see you alone. . .unless Rory leaves the room for a second, and even then you try to go with her. If I had a nickel for every time you’ve used the ‘Girls always go to the bathroom together, Mom’ line, I’d be a very rich woman.

LORELAI

You are a very rich woman. Mom, please, is this really a ‘me and you’ lunch? No hidden agenda?

EMILY

Of course not.

LORELAI

Okay, fine.

EMILY

I talked to Christopher.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

I called him last week, we talked for a very long time, and I have to tell you, he is not in love with that woman.

LORELAI

Oh my God.

EMILY

He never came out and said it, but I could tell from his voice. He would much rather be with you and Rory.

LORELAI

Are you out of your mind?

EMILY

I think you need to talk to him.

LORELAI

And that would be a yes.

EMILY

All he needs is to hear that you want this, too.

LORELAI

Mom, what the hell are you doing calling Christopher?

EMILY

Well, somebody had to.

LORELAI

No, somebody didn’t have to!

EMILY

Oh, I certainly wasn’t going to just sit by and watch this situation explode. You two belong together. It took you years to figure that out, and now that you finally have it, you can’t let it go away just because of a little complication.

LORELAI

Mom, his girlfriend is pregnant – that is more than a little complication.

EMILY

Women have gotten pregnant since the beginning of time, Lorelai.

LORELAI

And before I result to the totally called for duh, please tell me what your point it.

EMILY

This woman is trying to trap him. Don’t you see that? You can’t let that happen.

LORELAI

Mom, this is none of your business.

EMILY

Yes, it is! It affects Rory, it affects you – both of whom are my business.

LORELAI

Do not get involved in this, I mean it. Butt out! Don’t call Christopher and talk about me or us, just stay out of it!

EMILY

Where are you going?

LORELAI

I have to get back to the inn.

EMILY

Do not walk out on me.

LORELAI

Mom, I am not gonna discuss this with you now or ever. I would love for you to respect that but I know you, so give Christopher my love.

EMILY

A family life doesn’t just happen, Lorelai. You have to work for it. You have to fight for it. Lorelai, come back here!

PARIS

So as soon as she gets out of intensive care, we’ll get her signature, and then we can finally set about hiring a new librarian. Anything else?

LOUISE

Yes. Uh, I was thinking that maybe this year we should throw a little beginning of the school year dance. I mean, why wait until the tan fades to have a formal?

PARIS

Dances are distracting.

LOUISE

Dances help bring in money to pay for those stupid topiaries you want in the quad.

PARIS

Draft a proposal and have it on my desk by tomorrow. Madeline?

MADELINE

I would like to explore the option of having a professional photographer take the senior class photos. Every year we use that cheesy picture place, and every year people wind up with those VH1 ‘Before They Were Stars’ pictures, and I for one would like to stop the humiliation now.

PARIS

How are we going to get a professional photographer?

LOUISE

Helmett Newton is my godfather.

PARIS

Okay, sign him up – and tell him to leave the whips and chains at home. All right, I think that’s all we have time for today.

FRANCIE

Um, excuse me, Paris? I was just wondering if you had time to think about my proposal?

PARIS

What proposal?

FRANCIE

You know, the higher hemlines.

PARIS

Oh right. No, not yet.

FRANCIE

Okay, I guess I can wait. . . for awhile.

PARIS

Patience is a virtue.

RORY

Hey.

PARIS

What do you think about Helmett Newton being Louise’s godfather? Explains a lot, doesn’t it?

RORY

Yeah. Listen, I think it might be a good idea to consider getting behind this hemline issue.

PARIS

You’re kidding, right?

RORY

No. I mean, if girls want the option of making their skirts a little shorter, then who cares, right?

PARIS

I care. I’m building a legacy here, Rory. You want the first stand I make against the faculty to involve a fashion choice? It would be my ‘gays in the military.’

RORY

I just think it would be really smart to establish some goodwill among the other class presidents.

PARIS

Why?

RORY

Because you have to work with them, and you might even need their support on something in the future. And throwing them a tiny bone like a hemline amendment is no big deal.

PARIS

I don’t know.

RORY

Look, it’s right at the beginning of your term. No one will even remember the first stupid thing that you passed. You have plenty of time to establish your legacy. I mean it. By the time that you implement public executions for line cutters, hemlines will be a thing of the past. [pause] I was making a joke not a suggestion.

PARIS

Why do you care?

RORY

What?

PARIS

Why do you care? You seem very invested in this whole thing – why?

RORY

Hey, I’m not invested in this thing. If you don’t wanna do it, fine. I’m just giving you my opinion. I just thought you might wanna be one of those presidents that’s beloved as well as respected.

PARIS

Raising hemlines would make me beloved?

RORY

It’s certainly a step in that direction.

PARIS

All right, I’ll push it through.

RORY

Good.

PARIS

But the next genius who comes up with the brilliant plan to put Elizabeth Arden in the chemistry class can bite my ass.

LORELAI

Ugh, I’m not going.

RORY

You are going.

LORELAI

She has done this to me for the last time. From now on, I’m not giving her any information about my life at all.

RORY

As opposed to all the details you’ve heaped upon her in the past.

LORELAI

I can’t believe she called Christopher. She has no respect for me or my feelings or my privacy.

RORY

Well, she didn’t think of it that way. She thought that she was helping.

LORELAI

You do know there isn’t a Santa Claus, don’t you?

RORY

Please just try to forget this.

LORELAI

I’m never ever going over there again.

RORY

Not an option.

LORELAI

It should be. Sometimes you have to cut people out of your life.

RORY

She’s your mother.

LORELAI

I want proof, I want tests done.

RORY

Do you want your red purse or your blue?

LORELAI

Blue. Gee, I wonder who else she’s calling. She’s probably on the phone to Kirk right now. "I heard through my spies you’re taking my daughter out to dinner. Let’s talk China patterns." God, I’m furious! [phone rings] Don’t get that, it might be her.

RORY

Well, I doubt she’d call when we’re supposed to be over in half an hour.

KIRK

[on answering machine] Hello? Hello? [hangs up]

LORELAI

The answering machine confused him.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

And that’s the guy who likes me.

RORY

I’d consider adoption if I were you.

LORELAI

My life stinks. Hey, let’s look into each other’s eyes and say "I wish I were you" at exactly the same time – maybe we’ll pull a Freaky Friday!

RORY

Or we can just pretend that we did and you can go around acting really immature. Oh wait. . .

LORELAI

I can’t believe you won’t switch bodies with me.

RORY

Forget it. Then I’d have to date Kirk.

LORELAI

I would switch bodies with you in a heartbeat if you wanted.

RORY

I know, and I appreciate that.

KIRK

[on answering machine] Lorelai, hi. I just called, I think there might be a problem with your phone.

LORELAI

Oh my God.

KIRK

[on machine] I was just wondering if I could ask you. . .

LORELAI

Let’s go.

KIRK

[on machine] . . .a couple of quick questions –

KIRK’S MOM

[on machine] Hello?

KIRK

[on machine] Mom?

KIRK’S MOM

[on machine] Who is this?

KIRK

[on machine] Mom, would you please get off the phone? Mom?

KIRK’S MOM

[on machine] Is this Dr. Marshall?

KIRK

[on machine] Mom, it’s an important phone call, please hang up. I – I – I – I’ll call you back.

EMILY

[walking toward door] Oh, for heaven’s sake. [answers door]

LORELAI

Hey, I don’t think your doorbell’s working.

EMILY

Believe me, it’s not the doorbell.

MAID

[walks up behind them] Oh, so it was the door.

EMILY

Yes, Sarah, once again, it was the door.

SARAH

Okay, so I just have to remember that the really big bell is the door and the small one is the oven.

EMILY

Yes, that would be a wonderful thing to remember.

EMILY

Okay, well, let’s have a drink, shall we?

RORY

So, Grandma, you have a new maid?

EMILY

Yes, I do.

LORELAI

Well, good thing we’re in time for happy hour.

EMILY

Wine, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Uh, yeah, if there’s any left.

EMILY

Rory – soda or water?

RORY

Uh, soda please.

EMILY

How about water?

RORY

Water’s fine, too.

LORELAI

What’s up, Mom?

EMILY

Nothing.

LORELAI

You seem tense.

EMILY

You always think I seem tense.

LORELAI

But tonight you seem tenser than usual.

EMILY

Well, I’m not! Rory, tell me about school

RORY

Oh, okay, um. . .school’s good.

EMILY

Do you like student government?

RORY

I think so.

EMILY

And your grades are still good?

RORY

Yes.

EMILY

Do you take any sort of physical education?

RORY

Not this semester.

EMILY

But eventually you will take some sort of physical education?

RORY

I’m not sure.

LORELAI

But trust me – the minute she decides to run after a ball and take a public shower with thirty other girls, you are getting a call.

EMILY

Well, thank you.

SARAH

[enters room] Dinner’s ready!

EMILY

Sarah, one minute please.

SARAH

Yeah?

EMILY

I told you we eat dinner at seven. . .and right now, it’s six-thirty. Therefore, one could conclude that maybe it’s just a tad early for dinner.

SARAH

Oh, I’m sorry, I -

EMILY

We want to eat at seven!

SARAH

But the food’s ready now.

EMILY

Okay, never mind, we’ll eat. We’re eating. Up, up, let’s go. [they walk toward the dining room] It’s fine. It’s better – then we can all be in bed by nine. Sit down.

LORELAI

Mom, tell us what is up right now.

EMILY

What is up with what?

LORELAI

With you, with her, with you and her.

EMILY

Well, she’s new, Lorelai. She’s only been here three days, she’s still getting the hang of things. I think it’s only fair to give the woman a chance. Why are you staring at me?

LORELAI

Mom, you’ve had maids deported who were better than her.

EMILY

I have not.

LORELAI

Talk.

EMILY

Your father made a crack the other day about my not being able to keep a maid.

LORELAI

Ah.

EMILY

Of course, it’s a gross exaggeration. Yes, I’ve had maids I haven’t liked, but I’ve also had maids I’ve loved.

LORELAI

Name one.

EMILY

Daiha.

LORELAI

Who?

EMILY

You remember, she took you shopping once.

LORELAI

How old was I?

EMILY

I don’t know.

LORELAI

Guess.

EMILY

Four, five.

LORELAI

Mom, you haven’t liked a maid since I was four or five?

EMILY

I have liked a maid; you asked me whom I loved. I loved Daiha.

LORELAI

And whatever happened to Daiha?

EMILY

Oh, how should I know? But I loved her.

SARAH

Okay, so salad?

EMILY

Thank you, Sarah.

SARAH

Oops, big bell. [goes to answer it and takes the salad plates with her]

EMILY

Sarah, the salad! Sarah! Pass the wine, Lorelai.

LORELAI

You want a straw with that?

EMILY

You’re enjoying this?

LORELAI

Well. . .yeah.

CHRISTOPHER

Lor, I need to talk to you.

LORELAI

Chris, what are you doing here?

CHRISTOPHER

You won’t return my calls!

LORELAI

Did you do this?

CHRISTOPHER

I knew you’d be here.

EMILY

I did not do this.

CHRISTOPHER

You gave me no choice.

LORELAI

After I told you to just stay out of it!

EMILY

Lorelai, I did not do this!

LORELAI

You have to go.

CHRISTOPHER

I’m not going until you talk to me.

EMILY

Christopher, Lorelai, come back here!

CHRISTOPHER

Why won’t you call me back?

LORELAI

Hey, there couldn’t be a worst time to have this conversation.

CHRISTOPHER

Really, because it seems to be the only time to have this conversation.

LORELAI

Look, go home, okay? I promise I will talk to you tomorrow.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, sure, I believe that.

LORELAI

Hey, I’ve never lied to you. There’s no reason to doubt my word.

CHRISTOPHER

Really? Forty-five unreturned phone calls isn’t a reason?

LORELAI

No, it isn’t.

CHRISTOPHER

You shutting me out like this is wrong.

LORELAI

I’m not discussing this with you here in my mother’s house.

CHRISTOPHER

You don’t get to dictate this. I need to talk to you, you won’t call me back, and I did what I had to do. And I’m sorry – but after all we’ve been through, especially over these last few months – you shutting me out is wrong. And you know what hits me the hardest, Lor?

LORELAI

Apparently it isn’t the door on your way out.

CHRISTOPHER

You keeping Rory from me.

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

I never, ever thought you’d do that.

LORELAI

I’m not keeping Rory from you.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh really? Then why hasn’t she called me back, huh? I mean, no matter where you and I have been in our lives, my daughter has always called me back – until now.

LORELAI

Hey, listen to me –

RORY

I didn’t call you back because I didn’t want to. Me – Mom had nothing to do with it.

LORELAI

Okay, honey, calm down.

RORY

You promised me. You promised me at Sookie’s wedding that this was going to work, that you were going to be there, you promised me.

CHRISTOPHER

Honey, please understand –

RORY

No, I always understand, and I don’t wanna understand! I don’t even really wanna talk about this right now. I’ve got Mom, that’s all I need. Go be somebody else’s dad!

CHRISTOPHER

Don’t say that.

RORY

I’m going upstairs. Call me when he’s gone. [goes upstairs]

CHRISTOPHER

She did not get there by herself.

LORELAI

Hey, have you ever met your daughter? She could get anywhere by herself! She could get to the third dimension by herself! She was helping the crossing guard when she was four.

CHRISTOPHER

I’m going to talk to her.

LORELAI

No, you’re not. She wants to be alone and cool off. Respect that. I’ll talk to her later.

CHRISTOPHER

You’ll talk to her, great. That makes me feel a whole lot better.

LORELAI

Okay, you need to leave, right now.

CHRISTOPHER

This isn’t right. She needs her father.

LORELAI

I know she needs her father, I’ve been telling her she needs her father! But she feels like her father bailed on her and she’s mad and hurt, and I can’t change that in three minutes!

CHRISTOPHER

Do you think I like this situation?

LORELAI

Oh God.

CHRISTOPHER

Do you? I mean, after what you and I had going and now –

LORELAI

Chris, do you remember why we’re here right now? What event in your life caused this very pleasant moment we’re sharing?

CHRISTOPHER

That has nothing to do with this.

LORELAI

Oh – it – what? Chris, man! What do you want from me?

CHRISTOPHER

I wanna talk!

LORELAI

About what?

CHRISTOPHER

I don’t know. I just. . . I don’t like how things are.

LORELAI

But that’s how they are!

CHRISTOPHER

I didn’t want things to turn out this way!

LORELAI

But they did turn out this way!

CHRISTOPHER

But I didn’t want that!

LORELAI

Christopher, is Sherry still pregnant?

CHRISTOPHER

Of course she is.

LORELAI

Are you still with her?

CHRISTOPHER

Yes.

LORELAI

Are you gonna marry her?

CHRISTOPHER

Yes.

LORELAI

Then, honey, we are where we are! Accept it.

CHRISTOPHER

I can’t.

LORELAI

Don’t you understand that I can’t talk to you because it hurts talking to you, really hurts! Standing here right now is killing me, okay? Don’t you understand that?

EMILY

Christopher, I think you’d better go now.

CHRISTOPHER

Emily, I . . .

EMILY

Leave now, please.

LORELAI

You know, you need a mask and a horse when you do that.

EMILY

Something’s burning.

LORELAI

Chris? Give it time.

LORELAI

Well, now, that was a fun night.

RORY

Yup.

LORELAI

I haven’t had that much fun since labor.

RORY

Ba-dum-bum.

LORELAI

But seriously, ladies and gentlemen, is this on?

RORY

I can’t believe he just came over.

LORELAI

He misses you.

RORY

He misses you.

LORELAI

We’re very missable. Honey, he loves you so much, he didn’t mean to mess –

RORY

No, he never means to, but he does. And I don’t care what he says or does, I’m not going to this wedding.

LORELAI

You don’t have to.

RORY

Good.

LORELAI

But you might, at a later point in your life, when you’re not so angry and you make up with your dad, as we both know you will, you might be sorry you missed it.

RORY

It’s the wrong wedding.

LORELAI

Ah, things happen for a reason.

RORY

Since when is that your philosophy.

LORELAI

Since now. By the way, I’m also a communist.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Yes, ‘cause I look damn good in red.

RORY

I’m starving.

LORELAI

Really? Could it be ‘cause dinner sucked?

RORY

Could be.

LORELAI

Let’s do mac and cheese.

RORY

And tater tots

LORELAI

And those little pizza rolls.

RORY

Oh, and chili beef soup.

LORELAI

After which we will install our own vomitorium.

RORY

Okay, nix the soup.

LORELAI

And add some cake. Okay, let’s be organized – make it fast, make it snappy, and if there’s any impulse buying, make it chocolate.

RORY

Aye aye, captain.

KIRK

[calls from down the street] Lorelai!

LORELAI

Oh no. Go on in.

RORY

Are you sure?

LORELAI

I have to take care of this.

RORY

Good luck.

LORELAI

Hey Kirk.

KIRK

Lorelai, I know you haven’t made up your mind yet, and I’m not here for an answer. I just need to know – are you allergic to tuna?

LORELAI

Uh, no.

KIRK

No, good. Thank you very much.

LORELAI

Uh, Kirk, I have made up my mind.

KIRK

You have?

LORELAI

Yeah.

KIRK

Already?

LORELAI

Yes.

KIRK

And it’s fully formed?

LORELAI

Yes, it is.

KIRK

You don’t need any other information?

LORELAI

No, I don’t.

KIRK

‘Cause I could have my mother call you if –

LORELAI

Totally unnecessary.

KIRK

Okay, well, then, go ahead.

LORELAI

I just got out of a really weird relationship, and I know that sounds like a line, but it isn’t. I’m just not. . .fully over the shock of it yet, and I never wanna hurt you because you’re my friend and I like you, so I have to say no. I’m sorry.

KIRK

Was the tuna inquiry too personal?

LORELAI

Oh, no, I thought it was very thoughtful

KIRK

You’re sure you won’t feel like it anytime soon?

LORELAI

Yeah, I’m sure.

KIRK

Well, at least I asked. Goodnight Lorelai.

JESS

Doing a little shopping?

RORY

Yes. Excuse me.

JESS

Why the cold shoulder?

RORY

No cold shoulder. I just have perishables here.

JESS

Oh yeah, you wanna get home before that beefaroni goes bad.

RORY

My mom’s waiting for me.

JESS

How was Washington?

RORY

Fine.

JESS

Do anything interesting?

RORY

Nope.

JESS

Okay.

RORY

What about you?

JESS

What about me?

RORY

Anything interesting happen? This summer, I mean.

JESS

Nope.

RORY

Really?

JESS

Really.

RORY

So nothing happened this summer, at all?

JESS

It was hot. Two weeks ago there was a run on snowcones. Machine broke, people went crazy, Taylor tried to call in the National Guard, but –

RORY

I’m not talking about snowcones.

JESS

What are you talking about then?

RORY

Nothing.

JESS

Her name’s Shane.

RORY

As in ‘come back’?

JESS

Yup.

RORY

Well, great. That’s great. Really, it’s great.

JESS

So I’ve heard.

RORY

Well, it is.

JESS

Are you upset about something?

RORY

No.

JESS

I mean, me and Shane –

RORY

What about you and Shane?

JESS

I don’t know, it didn’t exactly bring a smile to your face.

RORY

Well, I’m still freaked out about the, uh, snowcone machine.

JESS

Okay.

RORY

I could care less about you and Shane.

JESS

Good.

RORY

It just surprised me, that’s all.

JESS

Why?

RORY

Because.

JESS

Because why?

RORY

Because of what happened at Sookie’s wedding.

JESS

Ah.

RORY

Yeah, so me coming back here and just seeing you with Shane just kind of threw me for a sec.

JESS

I'm sorry, did I hear from you at all this summer? Did I just happen to miss the thousands of phone calls you made to me, or did the postman happen to lose all those letters you wrote to me? You kiss me, you tell me not to say anything. . .very flattering, by the way. You go off to Washington. . . then nothing. Then you come back here all put out because I didn't just sit around and wait for you like Dean would've done? And yeah, what about Dean? Are you still with him? 'Cause last time I checked, you were, and I haven't heard anything to the contrary. Plus, the two of you walking around the other day like some damn Andy Hardy movie. Seemed to me like you’re still pretty together. I half expected you to break into a barn and put on a show.

RORY

When did you see me with Dean?

JESS

At that stupid summer insanity plea the town put on.

RORY

Oh, I’m surprised you could see anything with Shane’s head plastered to your face.

JESS

You didn’t answer me.

RORY

About what?

JESS

Did you call me at all?

RORY

No.

JESS

Did you send me a letter?

RORY

No.

JESS

Postcard?

RORY

No.

JESS

Smoke signal?

RORY

Stop.

JESS

A nice fruit basket?

RORY

Enough!

JESS

Are you still with Dean? Come on, Rory, yes or no – are you still with Dean?

RORY

Yes, I’m still with Dean, yes!

JESS

Glad to hear it.

RORY

Glad to tell you.

JESS

See you around.

RORY

Whatever.

JESS

Right back at ya.

LORELAI

Hey, I was just gonna come in after you. You all done?

RORY

Oh yeah, I’m done.