T3E3: “Application Anxiety”

RORY

This is sublime.

LORELAI

It was the golden age of television.

RORY

The music, the costumes, the sets.

LORELAI

All cylinders were fired on this one, boy!

RORY

And who knew that they all had such musical talent?

LORELAI

And such far out booty shaking abilities, as well.

EDDIE

Mail, ladies.

LORELAI

Thanks, Eddie!

RORY

Did you see that TV Guide had this on their list of the worst fifty shows of all time?

LORELAI

I know! Who are they to judge?

RORY

I know, it’s on my top fifty best.

LORELAI

Yeah, right after "Holmes and Yoyo" and "Hee Haw Honeys." Oh, Rory, get back here! They’re in clown suits and headed for the pool.

RORY

Oh my God.

LORELAI

Honey, come here.

RORY

It’s here.

LORELAI

What’s here?

RORY

My application to Harvard.

LORELAI

Oh my God. [walks over to look at it] It’s beautiful.

RORY

Impressive letterage, huh?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, it’s so. . .

RORY

Very.

LORELAI

Can I hold it?

RORY

Be careful.

LORELAI

Oh, it’s heavy, heavy with importance.

RORY

I feel dizzy.

LORELAI

Are you sure that’s not just the sight of Robert Reed in the tight clown pants?

RORY

Oh, geez. Let the record show that when my application to Harvard arrived, we were watching "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour."

LORELAI

You don’t lose points for that, do you?

RORY

I hope not. Man, this morning I was reading Dead Souls – it couldn’t have come then?

LORELAI

Well, we’ll just tell people that’s what you were doing, and that I was studying a really big globe. They’ll never know.

RORY

You can keep a secret?

LORELAI

Not so far, but there’s always a first.

RORY

Dead Souls and a really big globe.

LORELAI

Deal. [looks at TV] Oh, kayaks!

LORELAI

Come on, come on, I wanna get started.

RORY

Hold your horses there little Miss Horsie Holder.

LORELAI

They’re going to expect a higher level of wit when you’re at Harvard. Oh, watch that drink.

RORY

I’m nowhere near it.

LORELAI

Well, keep it that way. This is an uncontaminated area. I even cleaned the table using something other than the sleeve of my sweater and spit. [shows her a bottle of cleanser]

RORY

Lovely image. I’ll be careful.

LORELAI

All right, here we go. First question. Uh! Oh my God.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

"What were you doing the moment you received this application?" counts for fifty percent of your eligibility.

RORY

Stop.

LANE

I need help.

LORELAI

With what?

RORY

She’s writing her drummer-seeks-rock-band ad.

LANE

And it’s not reading right to me. Could you guys look it over?

RORY

Let’s see – "Drummer with strong beat seeks band into the Accelerators, the Adolescents, the Adverts, Agent Orange, the Angelic Upstarts, the Agnostic Front, Ash. . ." You went alphabetically.

LANE

Seemed tidy.

LORELAI

And a little OCD.

RORY

And a little long.

LANE

I can’t make cuts.

RORY

It’s three pages, single spaced – make cuts.

LANE

But this is the cut-down version. I mean, just from the letter A, I excluded AC/DC, the Animals, and A-Ha, footnoted as a guilty pleasure.

RORY

If we can’t get through it, no one can.

LANE

Okay.

RORY

Okay.

LANE

I’ll try to make cuts, but no guarantees. [goes back into Rory’s bedroom]

LORELAI

Okay, personal information. . . state your full name. Better not get that one wrong.

RORY

I’ll try.

LORELAI

And nickname, if any.

RORY

That would be Rory.

LORELAI

Or Droopy Drawers.

RORY

That was never my nickname.

LORELAI

Wrong, I called you that as a baby.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

That’s right. You had these little OshKosh cords and they were way too big and once at the mall, they fell right down to your knees and I said, "Whoa, there, Droopy Drawers!" – and I’m just afraid if we don’t answer everything accurately, the Harvard police will come and hit you with an atlas and say something mean in Latin.

RORY

How would they know that you called me Droopy Drawers?

LORELAI

Well, we could be at a Harvard event and I could slip up and say, "Pass me a lobster puff, Droopy Drawers," and they could hear me, and that’ll be that.

RORY

How ‘bout you don’t drink at any of these Harvard events?

LORELAI

Okay, parental information. Mother – breathtaking.

RORY

I think they just want your name.

LORELAI

Father – ostracized. Personal statement.

RORY

Oh, the essay – the big kahuna.

LORELAI

You can evaluate a significant experience that’s had an impact on you. How ‘bout that time your drawers dropped at the mall?

RORY

Enough with the drawers.

LORELAI

Or you can write about a person who has had a significant influence on you.

RORY

You?

LORELAI

Or one of your authors, Faulkner or. . .

RORY

Or Sylvia Plath.

LORELAI

Hm, might send the wrong message.

RORY

The sticking her head in the oven thing?

LORELAI

Yeah. Although she did make her kids a snack first, shows a certain maternal instinct.

LANE

Okay, I just crunched the numbers and at two thousand words and twenty-five cents a word, this stupid ad’s gonna cost five hundred dollars! That’s five months worth of Minwaxing end tables at my mom’s store. I give up.

RORY

No, don’t give up. Just cut down your influences to the most important ones, like with David Bowie.

LANE

Gotta have Bowie.

RORY

But do you have to list every album he ever recorded plus your personal rating between one to ten?

LANE

Maybe not.

LORELAI

And what’s with Jackson Browne making the list?

LANE

Ah, see, cool people know that he’s more than a mellow hippie-dippy folkie, that he actually wrote some of Nico’s best songs and was in fact her lover before he bored us with "Doctor My Eyes." That will separate the poseurs from the non-poseurs.

RORY

Wax on, wax off.

LANE

I hate this. [goes back into bedroom]

LORELAI

Okay, what activities interest you?

RORY

All of them except for the sports.

LORELAI

I thought you were the lacrosse kid.

RORY

Mom, just a modicum of seriousness as we do this would be much appreciated.

LORELAI

Hm, so, circle all of them except sports. Oh, they want a picture. How about the one of us sticking our heads through the carved out holes of Johnny Bravo and SpongeBob Squarepants?

RORY

There’s the seriousness I crave.

LANE

I’m going to have to crank the Ramones if I have to make deep cuts.

RORY

We’ll move outside.

LORELAI

The outside’s contaminated.

RORY

Thank you.

LUKE

Do they let kids drink coffee before school?

RORY

Why, do you think it might lead to harder stuff? Lattes, cappucinos. . .

LUKE

Forget I asked. [walks away]

RORY

So, what are you doing Saturday?

DEAN

Just my usual chores.

RORY

Your usual chores, John-boy?

DEAN

Well, what else do you call house jobs?

RORY

I call them the stuff you avoid until the Environmental Protection Agency steps in.

DEAN

Why do you ask?

RORY

I thought we could see a movie or something.

DEAN

You’re not free.

RORY

How do you know?

DEAN

‘Cause you’ll be working on your application all weekend.

RORY

No, I’m not.

DEAN

Really?

RORY

It’s not due for weeks, and I already have my essay topic picked out.

DEAN

Which is?

RORY

Hillary Clinton.

DEAN

Sounds perfect.

RORY

I know. She’s so smart and tough and nobody thought she could win New York but she did and she’s doing amazing, and have you heard her speak?

DEAN

Only when you’ve played me the thousands of hours of C-SPAN footage you taped.

RORY

She’s a great speaker, strong and persuasive with a wonderful presence, and even those suits of hers are getting better.

DEAN

I’d include that in the essay.

RORY

Anyhow, now that I have Hillary, all I need is a date for Saturday. Suggestions?

DEAN

You’re on.

RORY

Great. Oh, there’s my bus. Sip. [sips coffee] Kiss. [they kiss] And bye.

DEAN

Bye.

LUKE

Fast runner.

DEAN

It’s the coffee.

LUKE

Not your face?

DEAN

Excuse me?

LUKE

Sorry, just missed my youth for a second. I’m back. Coffee?

PARIS

Everyone always says that! This is my speaking voice. This is its natural volume! Fine, fine! [walks over to Rory and they walk into the auditorium]

PARIS

Short-sighted morons.

RORY

What now, Paris?

PARIS

We went to all this trouble to set up this stupid seminar. I say we, but let’s face it, I did most of the work, and Mr. Hunter won’t let me do it the way I want.

RORY

The panelists are up there. We sit across from them and ask questions. What’s the problem?

PARIS

It’s boring and predictable and done to death. I wanted Charlie Rose.

RORY

To ask the questions?

PARIS

His style. I wanted us sitting at a round table with black backdrops.

RORY

But the audience won’t be able to see anything.

PARIS

I was working with the losers in the AV club to project it on a giant video screen. And all Mr. Hunter said was, "Paris, this isn’t the Beatles at Shea Stadium." Nice anachronism, huh? Like they had video screens in sixty-three. His references are as topical as his suits.

MR. HUNTER

[on stage] Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please? We can get this seminar started. I’d like to bring up the organizers of this little event, Paris Gellar and Rory Gilmore.

PARIS

Thank you, Mr. Hunter. Everybody, this is a seminar called "The Business of Getting In." Its goal is to help guide us through the torturous process of applying to, and getting into, the right college. My panelists are Jim Romaine, admissions officer at Princeton University, and Ivy-League college consultant, Rose Samuels. Welcome, panel.

RORY

Yes, welcome.

PARIS

Now, panel, you’re addressing a group of kids just beginning the stressful process of applying to college. Question – what is the biggest mistake a person can make on his or her application? Mr. Romaine?

MR. ROMAINE

Well, forgetting to send it in would be the worst mistake, but perfunctory answers would be high on my list.

PARIS

Explain.

MR. ROMAINE

I’m talking about run of the mill responses, a lack of originality, particularly in the essay category. If I read one more over-adulating piece of prose about Hillary Clinton and her profound influence, my head will explode.

MS. SAMUELS

I hear that. Sometimes a mistake like that comes from writing what one thinks an admission officer wants to read.

MR. ROMAINE

Big mistake.

MS. SAMUELS

And sometimes it’s just a lack of original thought.

MR. ROMAINE

Just as big a mistake.

PARIS

Personal anecdote – when I was twelve and I was writing the first of my trial essays in practice for the day I’d write my real essay, I chose Hillary Clinton. Then I realized every braindead bint in a skirt would be writing about Hillary, but it was good to clear the pipes. Now, what are some other mistakes?

MR. ROMAINE

Well, small thing, but if your printing is bad, that says something we don’t like. If your extracurriculars and volunteer activities are too by-the-book, that says something we don’t like.

MS. SAMUELS

Yes, those activities should have a personality behind them – a focus, a direction. I’ve seen applications where the student has circled every activity listed. Again, you’re trying too hard there. One can’t be interested in everything.

MR. ROMAINE

They’re the ones who’ve had college paraphernalia on their walls their whole lives.

MS. SAMUELS

Too hungry, it’s a little immature.

PARIS

Interesting, interesting. Rory, do you wanna ask a question?

RORY

No.

PARIS

What?

RORY

No, thank you.

PARIS

Okay. So, how early should a student get an application in?

MR. ROMAINE

By the due date. Earlier makes no difference. It’s a complete myth that there’s a benefit to be derived from early admission. I do think it’s important to talk about the interview process. I believe it’s an opportunity to weed out the hyper-intense candidate. . .

EMILY

So, she’s meeting you here?

LORELAI

Yeah, she had a thing after school, a rumble or something. She said she’d be over after.

EMILY

A rumble?

LORELAI

Yeah, a bunch of kids meet in an alley, they pirouette, they pull knives, it’s a whole to-do.

EMILY

So she’s meeting you here?

LORELAI

Yes, she’s meeting us here. Where’s Dad?

EMILY

The magazines. [walks away]

LORELAI

That was weird. . .and unresponsive.

EMILY

These are college issues of various magazines. I’ve been collecting them for a couple of months now.

LORELAI

Oh, well, Rory’s probably seen all those, but thanks anyway.

EMILY

Have you read these?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

Well, you should. I’ve unearthed some shocking statistics. I mean, do you have any idea how hot the competition is to get into a school like Harvard?

LORELAI

Well, yeah, it’s very hot. It’s one of the top schools in the country.

EMILY

In the world. People from China, Russia, India, children from every country apply to Harvard. There’s more competition than ever before.

LORELAI

Really, Mom, I know all this.

EMILY

With the dot-com bust and the job market dwindling and the stock market going up and down like a yo-yo, everyone and his brother knows the best chance for success and financial security is not just to go to college, but to go to a top college.

LORELAI

Thank you, got it, appreciate the info.

EMILY

Every child that applies has the same high grade point average, they’ve taken the same AP classes, and they’re all on the student council.

LORELAI

They’re not all that identical.

EMILY

One college admissions officer said that he sometimes puts a random stack of applications in the yes pile and the rest in the no pile because he knows it doesn’t make any difference. He doesn’t even so much as glance at them.

LORELAI

That does not sound real.

EMILY

And now it’s the in thing for young Hollywood celebrities to go to universities. What do they call themselves, the Brat Pack?

LORELAI

About a hundred years ago.

EMILY

They get into wherever they want based on name recognition. I was watching TV and that insipid Kate Hudson was talking about going to a university. If she decides to go to Harvard, she’ll get right in over Rory, who we know is more qualified.

LORELAI

How ‘bout a drink, Mom? You want a drink, ‘cause I sure do.

EMILY

Lorelai, hold on here. What are we gonna do about this?

LORELAI

Look, there is no we, okay? It’s me – me and Rory – that’s the we. I appreciate your concern and your prodigious research, but it’s all gonna be fine. Rory’s special.

EMILY

Well, you know that and I know that but those idiots at Harvard may not necessarily know that.

RORY

[calls from hallway] Hello?

LORELAI

Uh, we’re in here, honey, and hurry!

RORY

Hi Grandma.

EMILY

Hello Rory. You look flushed.

RORY

I ran from the bus stop, I’m okay. Mom, hey, I’ve been trying to call you – can I talk to you for a second?

EMILY

Is something wrong?

RORY

No, I just need to talk to Mom about something, that’s all. We’ll be quick.

LORELAI

Okay, hon. We’ll be back.

RORY

I’m not getting into Harvard.

LORELAI

What? Who says?

RORY

Well, I’m completely unprepared, and I have no original thoughts!

LORELAI

No, no, don’t blame yourself, it’s not you. It’s those jerks at Harvard – I hate them!

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Well, apparently, it doesn’t matter how qualified you are, those lazy-ass admissions officers just take applications and stick it in the yes and no piles without even glancing at them!

RORY

Well, it won’t matter because my Hillary Clinton essay will be just like every other girl’s Hillary Clinton essay because apparently that’s all we can think of. I’m such a hack.

LORELAI

Is it true everyone has the same GPA? How is that possible?

RORY

Because we all take the same classes and we all give the same perfunctory run-of-the-mill responses. And I’m interested in too many things, I have to limit them. I’m gonna circle travel on my application. From now on, that is what I am interested in, travel.

LORELAI

No, no, don’t do that, no! Because all those people coming from China and India and God knows where else, they’re all nuts for traveling – that’s why they’re traveling here! And...and jobs are dropping and dot-com bombing and something’s acting like a yo-yo, I don’t know what but it’s not good! And over my dead body is Kate Hudson getting your spot, let me just say that right now!

RORY

Mom, you’re freaking out!

LORELAI

Yes, I’m freaking out!

RORY

Well, you can’t freak out, I’m freaking out! [cell phone rings] Hello?

PARIS

What the hell did Romaine mean when he was going on about weeding out the hyper-intense in the interview process? He stopped just short of calling me by name, I’m losing it!

RORY

Not now, Paris.

PARIS

I tried to throw the questioning over to you because I was about to heave and you left me hanging so I had to come home and heave.

RORY

I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Paris. [hangs up]

PARIS

Wait!

LORELAI

Okay, we gotta calm down here.

RORY

So, set an example.

LORELAI

Hey, I’m human, too.

RORY

My forehead is burning up.

LORELAI

My heart is beating so fast, it’s gotta slow down.

RORY

Okay, just. . .let’s take a breath.

LORELAI

Okay. This freaking out is not good.

RORY

It sucks.

LORELAI

We can do this. If others can do this, we can do this!

RORY

Well, I’m not so sure anymore.

LORELAI

That is unacceptable!

RORY

Well, I don’t wanna accept it.

LORELAI

Then we won’t.

RORY

Well, what do we do?

LORELAI

I don’t know. We definitely need some sort of perspective.

RORY

I think we need therapy.

LORELAI

And booze! For those of us over twenty-one. Okay, are we calming? Are we less-freaked?

RORY

I’m totally freaked out.

LORELAI

Well, hide it!

RORY

I can’t hide it.

LORELAI

Then prepare yourself for an evening of magazine recitations by Emily "DJ Doom-meister" Gilmore.

RORY

I’ll hide it.

LORELAI

[answers] Hello? . . . No, Lane should be here any minute. Is this about the ad? . . . Well, uh, give me your number and she’ll call you back. . . Okay, then, what’s the number of the dude whose couch you’re sleeping on? . . .Uh! Dude doesn’t have a phone? Well, try back later, dude. Thanks. [hangs up] Rory, are you up? If not, get up! [phone rings again] And where’s Lane? She’s supposed to be fielding these. [answers phone] Hello? No, she’s not, may I take a message? [Lane walks in through the back door] Oh, wait a minute – here she is, hold on. [holds out the phone toward Lane]

LANE

Sorry. [answers phone] This is Lane. [walks out of kitchen]

LORELAI

Hey.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

Aw, what’s up?

RORY

I didn’t sleep so well.

LORELAI

Poor thing.

RORY

I’m fine. I’m just a little bummed.

LANE

[on phone] No, wait, wait, wait, progressive rock is a really passé style now but I listed it as an influence because it was a progenitor of great things that came afterwards. I mean, I contend that you can draw a straight line from Yes to Jethro Tull to the Jam to Nirvana, bing bang boom. . . Who are the Jam? [to Rory and Lorelai] That’s disturbing. [walks away]

LORELAI

Hey, maybe instead of going to college, you should drop out and I could quit my job and we can form an all-girl band with Lane, you know, like Bananarama. We could call it Tangerinarama or Banana-fana-fo-fana-rama. . .or something. Honey, I’m just kidding, you gotta go to college.

RORY

I’m up for anything at this point. I gotta go. I’ll see you later?

LORELAI

Feel better, okay?

RORY

I will.

LANE

You are not telling me that you did not know that Kim Deal was in the Pixies before the Breeders! I refuse to accept that! [hangs up] These kids have no sense of history.

LUKE

Hey Tom, what’s up?

TOM

Nothing much. Why don’t you get me a ham on rye, mustard, no mayo.

LUKE

You got it.

BOY

Hi.

LUKE

You got money?

BOY

Yes, sir.

LUKE

What can I get ya?

BOY

Let’s see. How about a nice, cold egg cream?

LUKE

A what cream?

BOY

An egg cream. A nice and cold one.

LUKE

What is that?

TOM

It’s like, uh, milk and soda water with flavoring, isn’t it?

LUKE

You asking me?

BOY

Nice and cold.

LUKE

I heard that part.

TOM

Used to get ‘em at Coney Island.

LUKE

Go to Coney Island, kid.

BOY

Sir, can I get something to go?

LUKE

You got money?

BOY

Uh huh.

LUKE

What do you want?

BOY

A black cow.

LUKE

Aw, now, come on.

BOY

It’s just root beer and ice cream.

LUKE

Root beer and ice cream?

BOY

Uh huh.

LUKE

Well, I can do that.

BOY

As long as the ice cream’s made the old fashioned way – on the premises.

LUKE

Now wait a second.

KIRK

Hey, Luke, can you whip me up something in a hurry?

LUKE

What, Kirk?

KIRK

A chocolate phosphate.

LUKE

Okay, now, what the hell is this? Why do you want a phosphate?

KIRK

Because nothing says refreshment like a phosphate.

LUKE

This is Taylor, right? Is he behind this?

KIRK

I’m not at liberty to say.

LUKE

[to boy] Okay, then, you tell me. And remember, if you lie, you’ll go to hell.

BOY

He didn’t say you’d get mad.

LUKE

Come on.

TAYLOR

What is this?

LUKE

That’s my question. Now what the hell’s going on here?

TAYLOR

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

LUKE

They’re asking for phosphates and egg creams and black cows, and they already gave you up, so tell me what’s going on.

TAYLOR

Who finked?

KIRK

Him, him.

BOY

Snitch!

KIRK

Well, you did.

LUKE

It’s not the kid’s fault, Taylor. Now what is this about?

TAYLOR

Well, you are so close-minded to new things, Luke, that I decided to make an admittedly desperate attempt to convince you of the need for something that I think is a terrific idea.

LUKE

Which is?

TAYLOR

An old fashioned, turn of the century soda shop!

LUKE

Aye yi yi yi yi!

TAYLOR

It’s just the kind of wholesome hang today’s teens need to keep them off the streets.

LUKE

And our streets are so wild and out of control?

TAYLOR

If you ask me, yes – and I have proof. [hands Luke an envelope of pictures]

LUKE

What are these?

TAYLOR

Surveillance photos of town goings-on, the dark side of Stars Hollow, Luke – not a pretty picture.

LUKE

These are kids on skateboards.

TAYLOR

Slaloming around pop bottles right down the middle of the street. I’m telling you, Luke, if we don’t quick furnish these skateboarding z-boys with a moral distraction, they’re gonna turn Stars Hollow into Dogtown.

LUKE

[points to a picture] This is the space next to the diner.

TAYLOR

I know.

LUKE

I own the space next to the diner.

TAYLOR

I know.

LUKE

You wanna open the soda shop in the space next to the diner?

TAYLOR

It’s the only one that’s appropriate.

LUKE

Taylor, no, no, no, no, and every day from now on ‘til the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no!" And when I die, I’m gonna have them freeze me next to Ted Williams, and when they find the cure to what I died of and they unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, "How’s Ted?" followed closely by, "Taylor, no!"

TAYLOR

But the space is empty!

LUKE

Not for long.

TAYLOR

And what are your plans for it?

LUKE

A skateboard and pop bottle shop.

TAYLOR

That’s not funny.

LUKE

With in-house experts to teach the craft of street slaloming.

TAYLOR

Still not funny.

LUKE

Well, I’m not in a very funny mood!

KIRK

Luke, are you taking applications for jobs at your skateboard and bottle shop?

LUKE

Yeah, I’m interviewing people today, Kirk.

KIRK

Great. Shall I go home and change or will casual suffice?

LUKE

I like the going home part.

KIRK

I don’t understand.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

Hey. Guess who I actually had a very productive conversation with today? Headmaster Charleston.

RORY

You’re kidding.

LORELAI

No, and I think we came up with the solution to our application anxiety, you wanna hear it?

RORY

I guess.

LORELAI

Well, we spent the first ten minutes on him bugging me to volunteer for more stuff at school, or in lieu of that to make a donation to build the new basketball court, and then another couple of minutes of me convincing him that what sounded like me going "Ha!" was really me clearing my throat, but after that we had a very pleasant, productive conversation.

RORY

And?

LORELAI

He suggested setting up a meeting with a Harvard graduate, like a dinner or something. He even gave me the number of someone he knows.

RORY

An alumni dinner?

LORELAI

Yes, exactly.

RORY

Do they do that?

LORELAI

According to Charleston, it’s done all the time.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

Yeah, it would be an opportunity to talk with someone who’s been through it all and did it successfully. You can ask questions, he can give some perspective, it seems perfect.

RORY

It sounds a little weird.

LORELAI

Yeah, a little, but I’ll go with you and what’s the worst that can happen? We’re bored and we blow a meal, but if this person can help, then that’s a good thing, right?

RORY

I do have some questions. . . a lot of questions.

LORELAI

Well, let’s call him.

RORY

Now?

LORELAI

Yes, yes, there’s no time like the present, come on. [they walk over to desk] His name is Darren Springsteen of Westport, Connecticut, Harvard class of 74. Uh! Ask if he has a brother named Bruce.

RORY

I’m not gonna ask him that. [dials phone number] It’s ringing.

LORELAI

Hee!

LORELAI

Why’d you hang up?

RORY

I’m not good at these things.

LORELAI

Did he answer?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Yes? Rory, that’s a really terrible first impression. [phone rings] Uh oh.

RORY

Him?

LORELAI

Maybe.

RORY

He star sixty-nined us?

LORELAI

Well, the Harvard people can afford all the latest technology. Answer!

LORELAI

[on answering machine] Hey, you’ve reached Suffragette City, and if you’re calling about Lane Kim’s ad, sorry we’re not in, but don’t commit rock and roll suicide – just crank a message with some feedback.

RORY

Oh geez.

LORELAI

Well, if he is related to Bruce, he can dig it.

DAVE

[on machine] Hey, my name’s Dave Rygalski, I’m calling about the ad. I left my number before, so call when you get a chance.

GIRL

[in background on machine] Where’s my –

DAVE

[on machine] Relax, I’m coming.

LORELAI

Let’s try this again. [dials number]

RORY

Can we please just do this later?

LORELAI

No, let’s get it done now. It’s ringing.

RORY

Let’s do it later.

LORELAI

It’s ringing. [hands her the phone]

RORY

I’m gonna say the wrong thing or have the wrong tone in my voice. I’m not in good first impression mode right now. [hands phone back to Lorelai] Unh!

LORELAI

[answers phone in high voice] Hello? Hello, um, this is Rory Gilmore. I believe you were expecting my call. . .Um, oh, well, this is such a wonderful opportunity for me. . .Whatever’s good for you will be great for me. . .

RORY

Not so breathy.

LORELAI

That’s how chickens talk! [on phone in high voice] Lunch? Oh yes, let me just check my organizer. . .oh, perfect. My mother will be there, too. She’s terrific. . . All right, I’ll see you this weekend. . . Mm, bye. [hangs up]

RORY

You’re no Danny Gans.

LORELAI

I never claimed to be.

RORY

He’s gonna be expecting Chilton High School senior Trixie McBimbo.

LORELAI

And her mother, Bambi McBimbo.

RORY

But I guess it can’t hurt, right?

LORELAI

It can only help.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

And look, if it’s a total bust, we’ll grab a pole and Trixie and Bambi’ll take it on the road. That’s something to put on your application, huh? It’ll set you apart.

RORY

Thanks Mom.

LORELAI

[in high voice] Bye Trixie!

LORELAI

So, alumna is a girl graduate.

RORY

Right.

LORELAI

And alumnus is a man.

RORY

Singular.

LORELAI

So an unmarried man?

RORY

No, not not-married. He can be married or single, all alumnus means is one man singular as opposed to many men plural.

LORELAI

And plural is alumni.

RORY

Right, and that can be girls and guys.

LORELAI

Kinky!

RORY

No, not kinky, just what it is. [rings doorbell]

LORELAI

Ugh, you’re no fun when you’re nervous.

RORY

Oh yes, because you and I usually have so much fun with Latin.

LORELAI

So what do we call this guy, alumnus Darren, you know, like you’d say farmer John or the butcher Lazar Wolf?

RORY

Hish-kabibble.

DARREN

Hello there.

LORELAI

Hello, I’m Lorelai Gilmore.

DARREN

Darren Springsteen, nice to meet you. And this must be the reason we’re all here.

RORY

Yes, hello. I’m hope we’re not putting you out.

DARREN

Putting us out? Today you are the Springsteen family’s raison d’être. Come in, come in. [they walk inside] Was your drive long?

LORELAI

Not too.

DARREN

Stars Hollow is charming. The last time we drove through there, there was a pumpkin patch.

LORELAI

Sounds like us.

DARREN

In March.

LORELAI

Oh, that would be the year the pumpkins arrived late.

DARREN

Sounds like a Dr. Seuss book. You came bearing gifts?

RORY

What? Oh, this. No, this is not a gift. These are my records – grades, SATs.

LORELAI

It’s Rory in a bag – you add water and her brilliance springs out.

DARREN

Why don’t I just glance at this some other time, mm? This afternoon, why don’t we just talk and get to know one another, okay?

RORY

Sounds good.

LORELAI

You’re a very nice alumni.

DARREN

Thanks. [walks down the hall]

RORY

That’s the plural.

LORELAI

Ah, rats!

DARREN

Lorelai, Rory, say hello to Marie, my wife.

MARIE

Hello, so good to have you here.

LORELAI

Hi.

RORY

Thank you.

MARIE

How about drinks? Iced tea, water?

RORY

Iced tea’s good.

LORELAI

Same here.

MARIE

Okay. [leaves room]

DARREN

Do you like art, Rory?

RORY

Very much.

DARREN

Modern painting is my passion. I’ve got a Hockney, a Kline – what I don’t have is a Diebenkorn so please don’t ask, "Where’s the Diebenkorn?"

LORELAI

Uh, you warned me just in time.

DARREN

I only recently got into sculpture. My latest acquisition, it’s a Zoltan Kemeny. Very provocative. Don’t you just love its audacity?

LORELAI

Yes, it’s very audacious.

DARREN

So, what are some of your other interests, Rory?

LORELAI

Oh, well, pull up a comfy chair there, Darren, because they are widespread and extensive.

RORY

I read a lot. I’m into the Russians lately.

DARREN

Tolstoy, Turgenev?

RORY

Gogol is my thing right now – Dead Souls.

DARREN

One of my favorites.

LORELAI

You were reading that when we got your Harvard application in the mail, weren’t you sweetie?

RORY

Yes, yes I was.

LORELAI

I saw that Harvard logo on the envelope and I said, "Rory, get your nose out of your Gogol and get over here!" Of course, we have a TV somewhere, but it’s really more of a funny little table to put a cup of chai tea on, you know what I mean?

DARREN

I’m afraid I don’t. I watch way too many sports, and I go to all the Harvard games. How about you – do you like sports?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

No.

LORELAI

That is, we follow certain things.

RORY

We enjoy various aspects of certain sporting endeavors.

LORELAI

But it wouldn’t be the kind that you could ask any follow-up questions on.

RORY

It’s a general interest.

DARREN

Got it. It’s pretty much a waste of time, but it’s how I waste my time. I collect memorabilia, too. I’ve got each year’s Harvard team pennant going back to 1927.

LORELAI

Lots of displayed Harvard paraphernalia, huh?

DARREN

It’s all over the walls at the rec room.

LORELAI

See, see, lots of paraphernalia.

RORY

Watch the ribs there.

DARREN

Ah, here are the kids. Jack, Jennifer, this is Lorelai and Rory.

JACK

Hi there.

JENNIFER

It’s nice to meet you.

LORELAI

Likewise.

RORY

Hi.

DARREN

Jack’s premed at Princeton and Jennifer is bound for Harvard like you Rory.

JENNIFER

Oh, we should talk.

RORY

Sure.

JENNIFER

If not today, another day, okay?

RORY

Okay.

JENNIFER

Uh, do you wanna pick a time now or later. . .

RORY

Later’s fine.

JENNIFER

I’ll make a note in my palm pilot.

RORY

Cool.

MARIE

[enters room with a tray of drinks] Here are your teas.

RORY

Thank you.

MARIE

Ah, Darren, we should really get the chicken going.

DARREN

Right, right. You’re getting my famous chicken today – I hope you like chicken.

RORY

Love it.

DARREN

I’ll be right back. Here’s some of my Harvard yearbooks, peruse them if you like.

LORELAI

Oh.

JACK

Yeah, and we should go clean up, Jen.

JENNIFER

Mm, definitely. [to Rory] I will see you in a jiff.

LORELAI

Ew!

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Did they just leave to take a shower together?

RORY

Oh, gross!

LORELAI

What? They bounced in together, they bounced out together.

RORY

New topic.

LORELAI

Can’t take gritty reality?

RORY

Or slanderous postulating.

LORELAI

And how is it they just came off the tennis court and they’re not even sweating?

RORY

I don’t know. Maybe when you’re that white, you don’t sweat.

LORELAI

Darren’s nice though, isn’t he?

RORY

He’s very nice. Hey, do you think I’m making a good impression?

LORELAI

Great impression. He loves you, especially when he found out you share his love of various aspects of certain sporting endeavors.

RORY

Hey, you started it. We could have just told the truth and said we weren’t into sports.

LORELAI

I was trying to humanize us.

RORY

Yeah, with our funny looking chai tea table. Very humanizing.

LORELAI

[in robot voice] Zoltan Kemeny.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

That artist’s name – it sounds like robot language, doesn’t it? Zoltan Kemeny.

RORY

Don’t say it again.

LORELAI

Zoltan Kemeny, Zoltan Kemeny.

RORY

Stop, don’t!

LORELAI

Zoltaaaan –

MARIE

[enters room] Oh, I’m sorry. I’m interrupting the fun.

LORELAI

No, that’s all right, you’re not. We were just laughing at all the funny haircuts, that’s all.

MARIE

I know, aren’t they a blast?

LORELAI

It’s just a sea of goofy sideburns.

MARIE

Lunch will be ready in just a few minutes. [leaves]

LORELAI

Zoltan.

RORY

Stop!

LORELAI

Aw, wow, what a beautiful table.

RORY

Yes, you didn’t have to do that.

DARREN

Oh, Rory, honestly, it’s our pleasure.

DARREN

Perfect timing, kids.

JACK

Excellent.

JENNIFER

Nice looking lunch, Mom.

LORELAI

[to Rory] Color coordinated.

RORY

Shh!

DARREN

Guests of honor, why don’t you sit over there.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

Aw, family pictures. You have another girl, don’t you?

MARIE

Yes, we do.

LORELAI

Well, where is she? What does she do?

DARREN

Oh, um. . .

MARIE

She’s not here.

LORELAI

I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.

DARREN

Oh, no no, it’s all right. That’s Carol. She’s a year ahead of Rory. She’s. . .

MARIE

She’s following her own path.

DARREN

Right. Carol’s doing her own thing.

LORELAI

Okay.

DARREN

Well, let’s eat everybody. Honored guests, please choose from the chicken first.

RORY

Thank you very much.

DARREN

[to his kids] You two are gonna have to fight over the breast as you always do. So, Lorelai, what’s your alma matter?

LORELAI

Well, I was too preoccupied to go to college, what with weighing a couple hundred pounds and having feet twice my normal size and all.

DARREN

I see.

RORY

But she took night classes and graduated last year. She has an AA degree in business.

MARIE

Well, that’s wonderful.

DARREN

In fact, it’s refreshing. It might even be to Rory’s benefit. Good things didn’t come to your family in one fell swoop, you struggled for it.

LORELAI

That’s true.

DARREN

One fell swoop, interesting phrase.

JACK

Very.

DARREN

Origin?

JACK

It was coined in MacBeth and derives from Middle English.

DARREN

Very good, son. You know your Shakespeare then, do you?

JACK

More than most.

DARREN

In which play does Falstaff appear?

JACK

That would be plays.

DARREN

Mm.

JACK

Henry the Fourth, part one and two, and The Merry Wives of Windsor.

DARREN

So that was a different Falstaff than Henry the Fifth?

JACK

Aw, shoot!

DARREN

This is a little tradition with us, quizzes at meals. It keeps the Springsteens sharp.

LORELAI

Very Kennedy-esque.

JENNIFER

Mm, we love the Kennedys!

LORELAI

As do we all.

DARREN

Now, the person questioned can challenge me with a follow-up if he gets his question right. Gets pretty competitive.

LORELAI

Well, if pistols are drawn, we’re ducking.

DARREN

Jack, which Polish composer –

JACK

Chopin!

DARREN

Patience. . .became Prime Minister of his country?

JACK

Paderewski.

DARREN

That’s right, but your impetuousness cost you a follow-up. Jennifer, can you give me the three sub-classes of the Mesozoic Era?

JENNIFER

Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous.

DARREN

Good.

JENNIFER

Follow-up – what preceded the Mesozoic Era?

DARREN

Paleozoic.

LORELAI

He’s good.

MARIE

It’s hard to stump Darren.

JENNIFER

Impossible, he’s brilliant.

DARREN

Open question – which mythological figure has the head of a man, the body of a lion, and the tail of a scorpion? Here’s a hint – it’s also the title of a novel by Robertson Davies.

RORY

Oh, Manticore.

DARREN

Very good, Rory.

JACK

Yes, very good, Rory.

JENNIFER

Yes, very good, Rory.

MARIE

More water, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Please, thank you.

DARREN

Do you know which French city famous for its water was the capital of collaborationist France?

LORELAI

Oh, me? Um, Evian, Perrier, uh, Le Crystal Geyser?

DARREN

Jennifer, you wanna help Lorelai out?

JENNIFER

Vichy.

DARREN

That’s correct.

LORELAI

Oh, that’s right. Vichy water, I knew that.

DARREN

What about the year of Germany’s victory in the Franco-Prussian War?

LORELAI

Huh, me again?

DARREN

If you wish.

LORELAI

I don’t know that one. I do know Instanbul is Constantinople, so if you’ve got a date in Constantinople, she’ll be waiting in Instanbul.

DARREN

That’s true.

RORY

You know, um, sorry to interrupt, but I’d like to wash my hands.

DARREN

Our fault, we rushed you in here.

MARIE

Our downstairs is being remodeled, you have to use upstairs. End of the hall.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

Hurry back.

RORY

I will. [leaves room]

LORELAI

So, that painting there, wow. The colors are so great, I can’t stop staring at it. It’s just beautiful.

DARREN

It is. It’s by a student of Matisse. I think he caught the master’s colors wonderfully.

LORELAI

Oh, Matisse, love him.

DARREN

I think only a charlatan wouldn’t. Anyone know the artistic movement Matisse championed and referred to as the Wild Beast?

JENNIFER

Oh, fauvism!

DARREN

Correct.

JENNIFER

Follow up?

DARREN

And then we’ll go round robin.

CAROL

Coming through!

RORY

Oh, sorry. I just heard music and . . . [follows her into the bedroom] Cool room.

CAROL

Tom Waits.

RORY

What?

CAROL

The music.

RORY

Oh, I thought so. I love him.

CAROL

I worship him. I even mildly stalked him once.

RORY

Really?

CAROL

Last year, I heard he was staying at this hotel so I went there everyday and sat in the lobby drinking massive amounts of coffee waiting for him to walk by.

RORY

Did you see him?

CAROL

Nope, never came down. For all I know, he’s still there. Hand me that brush?

RORY

Oh, here.

CAROL

Stupid manager made me cover for Fiona today. That girl’s a major pie crust. Ears?

RORY

What?

CAROL

On the chair. What time is it?

RORY

Um, three. [hands her a pair of bunny ears]

CAROL

Oh, totally late for my next job. Oh well, guess Grandma had to take another trip to the emergency room, right? Are they on straight?

RORY

I think so.

CAROL

Good. Who are you?

RORY

I’m sorry, I’m Rory Gilmore.

CAROL

You’re one of the Harvard bound?

RORY

Yeah. At least, I hope so.

CAROL

[starts pulling on a bunny costume] Oh, trust me, you are. You’ve got that really good, straight, shiny Harvard hair. Zip me up?

RORY

I’m sorry, are you Carol?

CAROL

Yeah, why?

RORY

I don’t know, I just didn’t expect. . .

CAROL

What?

RORY

Well, you.

CAROL

Why?

RORY

I don’t know. Your parents just made it sound like. . .

CAROL

Like I was holed up in the Chelsea with a needle sticking out of my arm screaming Sid at the top of my lungs?

RORY

Kind of.

CAROL

Well, to them, this is pretty close.

RORY

Can I ask you what exactly you are dressing up like this for?

CAROL

Morgan Tanner’s fourth birthday party.

RORY

You’re kidding.

CAROL

Nope, this is my fifth birthday party this week. Great tips, all cash, and of course, there’s cake.

RORY

So you’re a waitress and a birthday bunny and you go to school. That’s pretty amazing.

CAROL

I don’t go to school.

RORY

Oh, sorry, I just assumed. I mean, your family . . .

CAROL

My brother and sister got stuck on that conveyor belt. I, however, escaped somewhere around the eleventh grade, thank God.

RORY

Huh.

CAROL

Oh, hey, but no offense. I mean, that’s just me. If you like being on the conveyor belt, then good for you.

RORY

I’m not on the conveyor belt.

CAROL

Okay.

RORY

I’m not. I want this. I’ve dreamt of going to Harvard since I was a little girl.

CAROL

Yeah, a lot of four year olds dream of that. It comes right after meeting Harry Potter.

RORY

Hey, I am not gonna justify myself to someone with a tail.

CAROL

You’re right, I’m sorry. It’s just that around here the Harvard brainwashing starts in the womb. If you were to tell either of my siblings that there was another life choice outside of the Ivy League, I think their khakis would wrinkle.

RORY

Well, maybe they really want it.

CAROL

Nope, my parents want it and they wanna please my parents. Have you seen a carrot?

RORY

Don’t you wanna please your parents?

CAROL

Yeah, but not at the expense of finding myself.

RORY

Or your carrot.

CAROL

You gotta have your carrot. So, tell me something, Harvard hair – how bad do you wanna please your parents?

RORY

My mom, and really bad, but it’s not hard to please my mom. She’s okay with anything I do. As long as I’m happy, she’s good.

CAROL

You’re sure?

RORY

I’m very sure.

CAROL

Then you’re lucky.

RORY

Yeah, I am lucky.

LORELAI

Oh, Rory, quick, uh, what are the three major Hindu deities, because I’ve missed four questions in a row and if I miss another one, I don’t think I get dessert.

RORY

Brahma, Shiva, and Vishnu.

LORELAI

Brahma, Shiva, and Vishnu. Hi other daughter.

CAROL

Hi.

LORELAI

And I probably shouldn’t do a gesundheit joke when I say Vishnu?

RORY

Good thinking.

LORELAI

Okay, thanks, bye. [leaves room]

RORY

Wait, I’ll go with you. [to Carol] I’m glad to have met you.

CAROL

Oh, same here. Good luck with Harvard.

RORY

Thanks.

LORELAI

Oh. . . oh. What’s that for?

RORY

For not putting me on the conveyor belt.

LORELAI

Yes, that was very big of me.

RORY

You don’t know.

RORY

Thank you so much for this, for answering all my dumb questions.

DARREN

You asked no dumb questions, and I hope my answers sufficed.

RORY

Definitely. Bye. [walks down the front walkway]

DARREN

Au revoir.

LORELAI

Yeah, thank you so much for everything. I know it did a world of good for her.

DARREN

She’s a very impressive young lady.

LORELAI

I wholeheartedly concur.

DARREN

You molded her well.

LORELAI

Oh, no, I didn’t mold her. Rory popped out that way.

DARREN

You’re being modest.

LORELAI

You don’t know me, do you?

DARREN

So long.

LORELAI

Bye.

RORY

What did he say?

LORELAI

That you’re Godlike.

RORY

Is that all?

LORELAI

Oh, and that his brother Bruce Springsteen would be happy to come and play at our next party or event.

RORY

That would be swell of Bruce.

LORELAI

I figured your graduation party.

RORY

I’ll be very popular.

TAYLOR

All in favor, say aye.

EVERYONE

Aye.

TAYLOR

All right, let the record show that the funds have been approved to close the town bank account that holds the town funds in order to open a new town funds bank account at a different banking institution.

TAYLOR

Young ladies, in anticipation of your tardiness, we saved two seats for you right there in the back.

LORELAI

Thanks for thinking of us, Taylor. [they walk up to sit in the front] Whew! Okay, raise your hand if you bathed in cologne.

TAYLOR

In the interest of getting home sometime tonight, I’d like to bring up the final point of business, and that is a certain citizen’s desire to open an old fashioned soda shop in town.

LUKE

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

BABETTE

Who’s the guy?

LUKE

What other putz would wanna open up an old-fashioned soda shop?

TAYLOR

Dispense with the Yiddish, young man.

LUKE

This is not a town matter, Taylor. This is a private matter between you and me which was settled when I said no.

TAYLOR

This is a town matter because when this town is in need of a particular business to provide necessary services, it’s up to the town to band together and lure it.

LUKE

How does a stupid soda shop count as a necessary business?

TAYLOR

Allow me to show you something that will make you wonder how we ever lived without it. Kirk, if you will.

TAYLOR

Kirk, I told you to get something decorative to cover it.

KIRK

Well, my mom wouldn’t let me use one of her nice tablecloths so I just grabbed a sheet from my hamper.

TAYLOR

Take it off.

LUKE

What’s that, a toy?

MISS PATTY

Oh, it’s awfully cute.

TAYLOR

That is a professionally manufactured diorama of the proposed business.

RORY

Wow, there’s little people and everything.

SOOKIE

They look so real.

JACKSON

Hey, it’s me holding a tiny zucchini!

LORELAI

Look at the horse drawn carriage.

TAYLOR

My thought was to park it out front with the name of the business painted on the side. It’s very eighteen-hundreds.

BABETTE

The horse is taller than the front door.

LORELAI

Way taller.

LUKE

What are you up to, Taylor? Are you breeding giant horses?

TAYLOR

It’s slightly out of proportion.

BABETTE

Slightly? That little guy there could walk right under the horse without even ducking.

TAYLOR

You’re missing the big picture here, townsfolk. Now, this wonderful business belongs in Stars Hollow – whether Luke rents the space willingly or not.

LUKE

How would I not rent it willingly?

TAYLOR

I’m talking about eminent domain, my friend. Check the town’s bylaws. If a three-fourths majority finds it necessary to use the space for a specific function, the landowner must concede.

LUKE

That’s for taking over houses to turn into hospitals during a national emergency like the Civil War. If you wanna turn this place into a Civil War hospital, be my guest!

TAYLOR

Some would attest that the succor that my soda shop is going to offer is on the same level as the comfort that a hospital could provide.

LUKE

You’re gonna need a hospital, Taylor!

LORELAI

Hit him!

RORY

Which one?

LORELAI

Either one, I’m easy.

TAYLOR

Come on, Luke. This shop is based on the original soda shop that was in town eighty years ago. Don’t you see? You are preventing the town –

LUKE

From moving backwards. Who here wants to do that?

LORELAI

[in high voice] We like ice cream.

LUKE

Oh, come on.

RORY

A nice burger from Luke’s and an ice cream soda, yum!

LUKE

You want that thing?

LORELAI

With a cherry.

LUKE

With the striped awning and the giant horse?

LUKE

[to Taylor] Be ready to pay through the nose.

TAYLOR

We’ll talk terms. We have our soda shop everybody! Meeting dismissed.

KIRK

Taylor, is it too soon to talk about management opportunities?

LORELAI

[to Luke] Hey, you get to be Taylor’s landlord, that’s kind of cool.

LUKE

Thanks for your lack of help.

LORELAI

Grump.

LANE

So, how was lunch with Harvard guy?

RORY

Great, he answered all my questions.

LORELAI

He makes a killer chicken, he sticks a lemon up its butt.

LANE

Nice.

RORY

And he gave me excellent tips on how to write my essay. We’re very impressed with him.

LORELAI

He passes the test.

DAVE

Excuse me, Lane?

LANE

That’s me.

DAVE

Okay, great, I’m Dave Rygalski.

LANE

Right, hi. You’re a guitarist.

DAVE

Yeah.

LANE

But how’d you know I was me?

DAVE

The Dead Kennedys shirt was a tip off.

LANE

Good thinking. Hey, uh, isn’t it a drag that Jello Biafra isn’t singing for them anymore?

DAVE

Yeah, now their front-man’s that kid from the Courtship of Eddie’s Father.

LANE

Yeah, what’s next – Urkel joining the Wu-Tang Clan?

DAVE

Or maybe Malcolm in the Middle fronting for the Butthole Surfers.

LANE

Some things are sacred.

DAVE

I’m with ya on that.

LANE

So, um, what’s your band like?

DAVE

We do a lot of cool covers – uh, the Clash, the Kinks, et cetera. Statistically, it’s like thirty-eight of the forty-three bands you listed.

LANE

Nice percentage.

DAVE

I can play you a song we demo’d a couple weeks ago using a drum machine.

LANE

Great. [he takes some audio equipment out of his bag] What’s all this?

DAVE

Well, this is a headphone amp and it just boosts the volume and makes the clarity off the hook, and then these are Grado 125s, which is just really, killer, killer portable sound. I’m sort of an audio geek, sorry.

LANE

No, don’t apologize, I love you. . .for that, for being that way. I love it. Um, I’m like that too.

DAVE

You wanna go over to the bench maybe and have a listen?

LANE

Yeah.

DAVE

Okay.

RORY

I think a love song’s in their future.

LORELAI

With lots of lyrics about snogging.

RORY

About what?

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

Hey. [they kiss] You missed everything.

LORELAI

That’s snogging.

RORY

Got it.

LORELAI

Bye. [walks away]

DEAN

So, any fireworks?

RORY

Well, there was a classic Luke/Taylor dispute, but it was resolved and will result in ice cream floats and twenty foot horses.

DEAN

Good deal. And what about your lunch?

RORY

Oh, it was great. I feel so much better about things now. The application’s not freaking me out anymore.

DEAN

You look unfreaked.

RORY

Well, nothing can stop me now. It’s full steam ahead.

DEAN

That’s great. Can I ask you something?

RORY

Of course you can.

DEAN

What happens when you leave?

RORY

When I leave when?

DEAN

When you leave for Harvard. . .do we break up?

RORY

Whoa, that was blunt and out of nowhere.

DEAN

Well, it seems like we should be blunt right now.

RORY

No, we don’t break up. Do you want that?

DEAN

No, but how will we see each other?

RORY

Easy, weekends – that’s what they were invented for.

DEAN

So you’ll come home, do homework all weekend, then leave.

RORY

No, I can do my homework during the week or on the train coming home to see you, who I will spend my weekends with not doing homework. Plus, we can talk during the week on the phone constantly. Trust me, it’ll feel like I never left.

DEAN

Oh yeah?

RORY

Christiane Amanpour spends half of her life standing in foxholes in third world countries, and she has a husband and a kid. And she was on C-SPAN last week getting some award, so if she and her husband can make it work, we can.

DEAN

So we’ll have access to the CNN jet?

RORY

No. Or hey, you can go to college in Boston.

DEAN

I’m going to junior college.

RORY

Boston has junior colleges.

DEAN

But not dorm rooms.

RORY

Well, you can rent an apartment.

DEAN

With the money I get when I win the lottery? I mean, I think access to the CNN jet is more likely.

RORY

Why are you being like this? So. . .

DEAN

Realistic?

RORY

Come on, be serious.

DEAN

I am. I am.

RORY

That’s too serious.

DEAN

Yeah, uh, you know, just forget it. Come on, we were gonna go to Luke’s, right?

RORY

Yeah.

DEAN

Let’s go to Luke’s.

LANE

It’s great, it really is.

DAVE

Okay, cool. Well, listen, then I’ll talk to the guys, uh, and we’ll get together and play next week.

LANE

Sure. Um, I’ve gotta get home.

DAVE

All right. Well, uh, it was good meeting you, Lane.

LANE

Same here.

DAVE

Trust God – is that a band?

LANE

No. My life.

SOOKIE

Oh, come on, you do not like modern art.

JACKSON

Oh, then I was mistaken, I guess I don’t. I’m a mindless android, I have no opinions.

SOOKIE

Well, what kind do you like?

LORELAI

Yeah, do you like the kind that looks like someone hemorrhaged on a canvas?

JACKSON

Yes, I love hemorrhaging.

SOOKIE

Or the sculpture that looks like it was dropped and then glued back together?

JACKSON

Actually, the real love of my life is being mercilessly teased by the two of you for simply stating an opinion.

LORELAI

Oh, we’re sorry.

SOOKIE

Yeah, we’re sorry. Kisses!

JACKSON

Oh, in public, no less.

LORELAI

Hey, where’s Rory? We need all the girls a-kissing ya.

JACKSON

Hey, that reminds me, what are you gonna do with Rory’s room?

LORELAI

Her room, when?

JACKSON

When she’s gone. Are you doing anything with it?

LORELAI

Well, I haven’t thought about it.

JACKSON

Well, let me know. We can work something out.

LORELAI

You want her room?

SOOKIE

For what, your burgeoning modern art collection?

JACKSON

I’m talking about my tools.

SOOKIE

Oh, your tools, yeah.

LORELAI

What tools?

JACKSON

I have this collection of antique farming tools that my dad passed down to me.

SOOKIE

Pre-Revolutionary War. They’re kind of valuable.

JACKSON

And I’ve got no place to put ‘em. I’ve been looking for the right space.

LORELAI

In Rory’s room?

SOOKIE

It’s perfect!

LORELAI

But she’s got all her stuff in it.

JACKSON

Not for long.

LORELAI

Yeah, right, not for long.

JACKSON

Just think about it.

LORELAI

Yeah, I will. I will.

LORELAI

No, no, not another band phone call!

RORY

We never gave Lane a cutoff time.

LORELAI

Let the machine get it. I cannot talk to another seventeen-year-old whose every other word is ‘uh’.

RORY

Not even a word.

LORELAI

Exactly.

DARREN

[on answering machine] Hello, Gilmores! This is Darren Springsteen, how are ya? I just wanted to let you know that I just finished going over Rory’s records here, and no shock, they’re perfect. Rory, you are tailor-made for Harvard. They’re lucky to have you. As far as I’m concerned, you should pack your bags. I’m gonna tell all this to the people in admissions and I’ll give your headmaster a call as well, so take care and we’ll talk again. Bye-bye. [hangs up]

LORELAI

That’s fantastic, honey.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

You’re in.

RORY

Well, not officially.

LORELAI

He said pack your bags.

RORY

Yeah, cool.

LORELAI

So what are you up to today? You have, uh, newspaper stuff to do, right?

RORY

Yeah, a ton, and you were going to catch up with some stuff at the inn?

LORELAI

Payroll. . . a lot of check signing to do.

RORY

Are people waiting for their checks?

LORELAI

Kind of.

RORY

Right. You know, um, the newspaper stuff can wait ‘til Monday.

LORELAI

Really? ‘Cause I can sign the checks tomorrow.

RORY

You sure?

LORELAI

Absolutely.

RORY

So what do you wanna do?

LORELAI

I don’t know, what do you wanna do?

RORY

I don’t know, let’s just hang.

LORELAI

That sounds great.

LUKE

You had to have ordered that sign weeks ago! You were that sure that I would cave in?

TAYLOR

Well, you did, didn’t you? The right’s too high.

LUKE

And when did it become Taylor’s? It said Stars Hollow on the stupid model, and I don’t like the extra P and E at the end of shop. Get rid of it!

TAYLOR

No.

LUKE

I’m your landlord, Taylor.

TAYLOR

And as a tenant, I have rights. Talk to my lawyer if you disagree.

LUKE

And how are you spelling rights, Taylor? With two E’s and three S’s?