T3E4: “One’s Got Class and the Other One Dyes”

LORELAI

So, I think I'm in touch with the other side.

RORY

The other side of...

LORELAI

The other side.

RORY

With republicans?

LORELAI

No. Lately I've been having these dark premonitions.

RORY

Oh, about what?

LUKE

Dead cow, dead cow. [walks away]

LORELAI

That's weird.

RORY

He's always weird.

LORELAI

No, I mean, my premonitions have been about death, about my death.

RORY

I don't wanna hear this.

LORELAI

And the thing is, they're all silly.

RORY

What do you mean, silly?

LORELAI

In one, I slip on a banana peel and fall into a giant vat of whipped cream.

RORY

Silly and fattening.

LORELAI

In another, a turtle eats me.

RORY

A turtle, how?

LORELAI

Very slowly. There's lots of chewing.

RORY

And in your premonition, you didn't run away from what is perhaps the slowest land animal on the earth?

LORELAI

His first bite injects me with immobilizing poison.

RORY

Well, you left that part out.

LORELAI

Now, this last one's a little more gory. I'm out hunting –

RORY

A favorite Lorelai Gilmore pastime.

LORELAI

And my shotgun backfires and my whole face spins around a bunch of times and winds up in the back of my head like Daffy Duck.

RORY

That's the silliest one yet.

LORELAI

Now, if that's how I go, you gotta promise to move my face back to the front of my head like Daffy did with his beak.

RORY

I should be writing this down.

LORELAI

You can remember to move my face to the front of my head.

RORY

It depends on what I have going on that week.

LANE

Hello Stars Hollow, are you ready to rock?

LORELAI

Let me guess, band practice tonight?

LANE

Yes, we're going to learn our fourth song. That's practically a set.

LORELAI

Hm, I'm impressed.

LANE

And then once we have a set, we'll get a gig, and then once we get a gig, we'll get a record deal.

LORELAI

Swallow.

LANE

And then after we get a record deal, we'll get really famous and then we'll have to give all of these interviews about how horrible it is to be really famous and how we never wanted this in the first place, all we care about is the music, and fame is gonna tear us apart. It's gonna be great!

LORELAI

And rehearsing in the music shop's been working out?

LANE

Perfectly – it's totally time efficient, being a thirty-second commute from my house. We practice for two hours, I'm home in time to watch reruns of Johnny Yune's talk show on Korean television with my mom, who thinks I hooked up with you guys – which I did, so I'm not even lying.

LORELAI

Well, you're kinda lying.

LANE

I'm fibbing, but a fib is not a lie.

LORELAI

Hm, I'd say it's a fib-slash-lie.

LANE

No, no, it's not a lie, and I can always tell 'cause of the few times that I've out and out lied to my mother, I'd get this feeling in my gut like a wild animal was burrowing into it, and I'm not getting that.

LORELAI

Wild animals burrowing into my stomach – another one of my premonitions.

RORY

Pretty spooky.

LANE

I've gotta go. I'm single-handedly improving the reputation of drummers everywhere by being on time for every rehearsal. [takes Rory's burger] Thanks for the food. [leaves]

LORELAI

Uh, excuse me.

RORY

Lane took mine.

LORELAI

Okay, this band thing is really not working out for me. Let's go. See ya, Luke.

LUKE

See ya.

LORELAI

Turn sideways!

LORELAI

That girl's a freak.

LUKE

Make a hole.

ZACH

[sings] London calling to the faraway towns, now that the war's declared and battle come down. London calling to the underworld, come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls...

DAVE

Whoa whoa whoa, can you guys hold it? It doesn't sound right.

LANE

It sounded good to me.

DAVE

No, it's wrong. Something's missing.

ZACH

Yeah, volume.

LANE

We can't play any louder, guys.

ZACH

We've got to.

LANE

But that's the agreement – free practice space, but we have to play quietly.

DAVE

Just try and live with it, Zach.

ZACH

Dude, Brian's breathing is louder than the song.

BRIAN

I've got a deviated septum. All the women in my family and me have it.

ZACH

Well, it's throwing me off.

LANE

Hold your breath when we're playing, Brian. There, problem solved. Okay, come on, now, let's rock. One, two, three –

ZACH

Wait. The bottom line here is that breathing should not be louder than a rock band. Am I right or am I right?

BRIAN

You're right.

ZACH

Rygalski?

DAVE

Well, it –

ZACH

We need to crank it up.

LANE

Just listen harder, that'll make it sound louder.

DAVE

Can't we turn it up at all?

LANE

Well, maybe we could possibly turn the amps up from three to, say, three and a half, but that's it.

ZACH

Forget it.

DAVE

Zach, come on, we just got started.

ZACH

Dude, Lawrence Welk cranked louder than this. It's a waste of time.

LANE

Wait, Zach, no, you don't understand. We can't play louder. See, my mom has this special antenna that can pick up non-Christian music being played within a football field's distance of our house, and she'd immediately come looking for me in order to shield me from the perversion.

BRIAN

If Zach's going, I'm going.

LANE

Wait, no, Brian, I'm not exaggerating. Once, a guy in our town named Kirk was practicing Bohemian Rhapsody with his band, the Kirk Gleason Five, and my mom shut them down so fast that the band fled without their instruments and never came back for them. To this day, Kirk can't listen to Queen without tearing up.

BRIAN

Sorry.

ZACH

Having a free practice space was cool and all, but not like this.

BRIAN

We should just rent a space in Hartford.

LANE

Hartford, Connecticut?

ZACH

It's not that far.

LANE

Yeah, or maybe, how 'bout France? We could practice in France, too, or Iceland!

DAVE

Lane.

LANE

The moon's probably available, we could crank it way up on the moon!

DAVE

A word, please.

LANE

Dave, talk to them. You're the leader, that's flat out insubordination going on in there! They show be flogged, heel-hogged, strung up from the highest yardarm!

DAVE

No, I can't.

LANE

Why?

DAVE

Because we're supposed to be a one-for-all band like the Clash or U2 – it's a democracy.

LANE

Democracies are overrated. Now get in there and kick some butt.

DAVE

It's not how it works.

LANE

I'll fix Brian's deviated septum – I'll ram one of my sticks up his nose!

DAVE

Lane, think about this, do you really believe this is working?

LANE

No, it's not working. We sound like a bunch of wankers.

DAVE

We need a real practice space. We need to be able to really play. Wouldn't you like to actually be able to hit both the cymbals?

LANE

Yeah.

DAVE

Okay, then, we need to do this.

LANE

I know, I just don't wanna leave the band.

DAVE

What? You can't leave the band. That's not what anybody wants, especially me. Lane, listen to me, okay – you're perfect for us, it's working.

LANE

So I have to figure out a way to rehearse in Hartford two or three nights a week.

DAVE

Yeah, that's not so tough.

LANE

No, it's not so tough. And maybe at the same time I'll attempt to master quantum physics, and throw Sanskrit in there, too.

DAVE

Do your best. Not with the Sanskrit thing, that's pretty worthless – but with the band.

LANE

I'll try.

DAVE

There's no way you're gonna become our Pete Best. There's no way.

LANE

You're sweet.

DAVE

We should get back in there.

LANE

Okay, um, I'll be in in a minute.

LANE

Wrack your brain. I mean, we've really gotta think here.

RORY

It's quite a pickle.

LANE

No, Rory, pickles are smaller. This is much bigger than a pickle.

RORY

Okay, let's stop saying the word pickle.

LANE

Fine.

RORY

Now, how many nights a week would you have to go to Hartford to practice?

LANE

Two, plus a weekend afternoon.

RORY

Okay, so that's three big blocks of time that you'd have to account for.

LANE

Very big blocks of time.

RORY

Plus, you have no car to transport your drums anywhere as of yet.

LANE

Or a driver's license.

RORY

Or any drums because you're borrowing them from the shop.

LANE

Temporarily until I can buy my own set – with money that I don't know where I'm gonna get.

RORY

Yup, you're right – that's more than a pickle.

LANE

You're making light – now stop and focus. And turn down the Cornershop, it's distracting.

RORY

No, your Coltrane is distracting, turn that down.

LANE

Hey, I'm in angst here and Coltrane speaks to my soul. I can't turn it down.

RORY

Fine, in deference to your soul, I'll turn mine down. Hey, here's a crazy thought. How about you tell your mom the truth and insist that she lets you play with the band and rehearse in Stars Hollow loudly as long as your schoolwork doesn't suffer?

LANE

Oh, I'm sorry, was that a serious suggestion?

RORY

Hey, it's worth a shot.

LANE

No, you're thinking your mom, here, Rory. If I said that to mine, she'd start waving a crucifix at me.

RORY

If she says no, she says no, but right now you're out of options. We have another call, just think about it?

LANE

Okay, I will. And hey, you know I like Cornershop.

RORY

I know. Bye.

LANE

Bye.

RORY

Hello?

DEBBIE

Hi, Rory?

RORY

Yes.

DEBBIE

This is Debbie Fincher – Kathy's mom from Stars Hollow High.

RORY

Oh, hi Mrs. Fincher.

DEBBIE

Well, hi right back to you. You know, we miss you since you started that fancy school of yours. Is it fun?

RORY

It's hard but I like it.

DEBBIE

Oh well, super. Uh, listen, is your mom home?

RORY

Oh, sure, just a second. Say hi to Kathy for me.

DEBBIE

I will.

RORY

Hold on.

RORY

Phone. It's Debbie Fincher.

LORELAI

Who?

RORY

From Stars Hollow High. Kathy Fincher's mom.

LORELAI

Oh, I remember Kathy.

RORY

You met Debbie many times, had many conversations with her at bake sales, school plays, the PTA.

LORELAI

Not ringing a bell.

RORY

I used to go swimming at her house all the time. You and Debbie had long chats when you dropped me off.

LORELAI

No...no.

RORY

Blonde hair, medium height, drove a Range Rover.

LORELAI

Does she also breathe and have toes?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Well, narrow it down to less than eight thousand possibilities.

RORY

I did with the swimming.

LORELAI

I remember the water.

RORY

Come on, blonde hair, medium height.

LORELAI

See, even you can't think of another way to describe her.

RORY

You have no memory of this woman?

LORELAI

All those Stars Hollow moms looked alike, except for Lane's mom and that one mom with the freaky glass eye that never moved.

RORY

Take the phone.

LORELAI

[on phone] Hi Debbie, how are you?

DEBBIE

Great, Lorelai, and yourself?

LORELAI

Just fine, thanks.

DEBBIE

The gang and I have missed you so much at school events. You were always such a kick.

LORELAI

Aw, well, I really miss you and the gang.

DEBBIE

Hey, listen, I have a proposition for you. The PTA likes to ask prominent locals in business if they could talk to the students about how they got to where they are – you know, all the hard work it takes, success stories, you know. And we thought about you.

LORELAI

To suggest people I know who have success stories, or...

DEBBIE

No, silly, we'd like for you to address the class.

LORELAI

Me, really?

DEBBIE

Well, yes. You're a young woman and you run that beautiful inn, it's a huge responsibility, and you do it with such style.

LORELAI

Wow, well, that's really sweet. It's always nice to be well thought of.

DEBBIE

She is just terrific. She's applied to a couple schools in California, so she's really excited, although...

LORELAI

So she wants me to speak to some kids about my business success.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

That's great. What are you doing with the phone?

LORELAI

Oh, she's blabbing about her kid. We probably got another thirty seconds or so.

RORY

You're awful.

LORELAI

No, I'm a kick. Should I do it?

RORY

Yeah, toot your own horn, you little missy.

LORELAI

I'm a success, who'd have thought?

RORY

I suspected you had it in you.

LORELAI

From rags to riches...I wonder why Larry King hasn't called.

RORY

Mom, Debbie, please.

DEBBIE

...so the internship will keep her local, which is a nice bonus for Bill and me, you know?

LORELAI

Oh, sure, yeah. Well, be sure to say hi to her and to Bill, and by the way, yes, I'd be happy to talk to the class.

DEBBIE

Terrific! Oh, the gang will be so thrilled. Now, there'll probably be a second speaker with you, do you mind?

LORELAI

Oh, that's fine, who's it gonna be?

DEBBIE

Uh, well, we've had some suggestions, but do you know anyone?

LORELAI

Well, you know, my friend the Sultan of Brunei is so hard to pin down.

DEBBIE

Ha-ha, there's that sense of humor. Well, we were considering Luke Danes, but he usually turns these things down.

LORELAI

I could talk to him if you'd like.

DEBBIE

That would be just terrific. The two of you together would be a kick.

LORELAI

Well, then, I'll just kick him 'til he agrees to do it, how does that sound?

DEBBIE

Okay, Thursday at four p.m., is that okay?

LORELAI

I'll be there, Deb.

DEBBIE

Oh, you rat! You rat!

LORELAI

What?

DEBBIE

You remembered how much I hate being called Deb.

LORELAI

I'm wicked.

DEBBIE

Well, thank you Lorelai, and I'll talk to you soon.

LORELAI

Okay, bye. [hangs up] Huh. She hates being called Deb.

RORY

I'll make a mental note. [pinches Lorelai's cheeks]

LORELAI

Ow, ow, ow!

RORY

I'm so proud of my little success!

LANE

Stop it, don't run, just walk in there and tell her what you want. After all, she's your mother and she wants you to be happy ...on some level, I think. Maybe not. What are you doing? Do not back off. Just move. Come on, move. Move your foot, move your foot, one foot. Lane, move your foot, right.

MRS. KIM

Lane!

LANE

Yeah?

MRS. KIM

Come with me.

LANE

Okay.

MRS. KIM

Sit, sit. You want tea?

LANE

Mama, I wanna –

MRS. KIM

Sit.

LANE

Sorry. I wanted to talk to you about something, um, an idea I had. . have, for me to do something that would be very beneficial to me, and you by extension because well, if one person is happy, then the other person is happy, and so I had an idea that, of how I could be and then you could be and then we would be and...tea would be good.

MRS. KIM

Here, I want you to fill these out. [hands her a stack of papers]

LANE

What are these?

MRS. KIM

College applications.

LANE

What?

MRS. KIM

Don't worry. Every one in this pile approved by me and Reverend Melmin.

LANE

I haven't heard of one of these schools.

MRS. KIM

They're all good religious programs, and I've already thrown out the ones that let boys and girls sit in the cafeteria together, the party schools.

LANE

Oh, great.

MRS. KIM

I will help you fill them out and we'll mail them on the way to choir practice, okay?

LANE

Yes, Mama.

MRS. KIM

Good. Now, if you meet Jesus walking on the street, what are the three questions you would like to ask? Ah.

MICHEL

Hm, your speech for that class?

LORELAI

Just some talking points.

MICHEL

And this speech is about your success in business, yes?

LORELAI

Pretty much.

MICHEL

You must be very fortunate to live in this tiny town where people make very little money. It elevates you by comparison.

LORELAI

Mmhmm.

MICHEL

I wonder who their last speaker was -- the fellow in short pants that walks up and down the square with a metal detector?

LORELAI

Hm, I wouldn't know.

MICHEL

And if they find someone who drives a car that is less than eight years old, what will they do – crown him king of successful people?

LORELAI

Unless it's a woman, and then they'll crown her queen.

MICHEL

Mm, and if they are –

LORELAI

Go away. [answers phone] Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.

LUKE

I'm backing out.

LORELAI

Too late, sorry.

LUKE

I'm not speaking to that stupid class.

LORELAI

But you agreed.

LUKE

I'm out, case closed, no debating.

LORELAI

Great, fine, do what you want. I guess I'm just out the thousand-dollar deposit.

LUKE

What deposit?

LORELAI

For the room.

LUKE

What room?

LORELAI

For the thing, for the afterwards thing...

LUKE

Oh, wait, now, you're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me, aren't you?

LORELAI

Aren't you?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Who?

LUKE

Stop.

LORELAI

Bye.

LUKE

Uh, hold on a sec! I agreed to this under coercion.

LORELAI

You said yes on your own.

LUKE

I said yes because when I said no you talked baby talk loudly in front of all my customers until I got so sick of it I just agreed to do it to shut you up.

LORELAI

I'm incorrigible!

LUKE

It's not a binding agreement, it's coercion.

LORELAI

Well, you gave in just in time because, uh, I was about to transition out of baby talk and into my Louis Armstrong voice, and that, my friend, is a whole lot worse than baby talk.

LUKE

I hate that building.

LORELAI

What, the school?

LUKE

Three years of going there, I have no good memories.

LORELAI

You must have some.

LUKE

None. Kids were as dumb then as they are now.

LORELAI

I think you'll enjoy this.

LUKE

Think about going back to your high school to give a talk. How would that feel?

LORELAI

Okay, not all your points are bad, but it's not my school, it's your school, and if you cancel, this whole town will know and when you walk down the street people will point and whisper, 'There goes that Luke, he's a real talk-canceler guy.'

LUKE

Ouch.

LORELAI

Plus, I promised the PTA, so my fragile reputation is on the line.

LUKE

I think you'll live.

LORELAI

Oh, Luke.

LUKE

No!

LORELAI

[in Louis Armstrong voice] Hello, Dolly!

LUKE

Stop that.

LORELAI

[in Louis Armstrong voice] This is Louis, Dolly!

LUKE

I'll just hang up.

LORELAI

[in Louis Armstrong voice] I'll be coming 'round the diner singing soooooooongs.

LUKE

Have you been diagnosed?

LORELAI

See you tomorrow at four.

LANE

Oh, it was a fine collection, believe me.

RORY

She made you apply to every one?

LANE

And measured my head for a wimple.

RORY

Out of twenty-three schools, there wasn't one that you might want to go to?

LANE

It depends on what I'm looking for. Of course, all the great Seventh Day Adventist schools were represented, with their ban on dancing, gum chewing and bowling. Quaker College was a delightful surprise, with its special appeal to Richard Nixon, who's dead but still deeply involved in campus recruiting. Oh, and the piece de resistance! She found an Amish school in Nicaragua. Nicaragua! A big shout out to Mama Kim on that one!

RORY

Look, Mama Kim always starts out super serious on everything but then lightens with time.

LANE

But I don't have time. Schools that I like will fill up and my band, my beloved band, will find another drummer, and if it's a girl I'm gonna be twice as mad.

RORY

Look, Lane, just try to calm down.

LANE

No, calm is for losers. I've spent my whole life compromising and being the good little girl and not doing what I want. Or doing what I want and hiding it and feeling guilty for doing it, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it. I mean, I even lost my first boyfriend because of all this.

RORY

What boyfriend?

LANE

Henry.

RORY

Oh, right, Henry.

LANE

See, that's how pathetic my life is. I'm calling a boyfriend a guy that I never even went out on a date with, and that my own best friend doesn't even remember, which is not your fault because there's nothing to remember.

RORY

Okay, so besides power walking, what are you gonna do about it?

LANE

Take a stand!

RORY

What kind of stand? [Lane walks into the beauty supply store] Lane!

RORY

Lane.

LANE

Follow my anger.

RORY

What are you doing?

LANE

Choosing a color.

RORY

You're gonna dye your hair?

LANE

Yes, I am. Lots of choices here. Help me narrow it down.

RORY

You can't do this.

LANE

Of course I can.

RORY

And what, walk around in a hood all the time? How are you gonna hide this from your mom?

LANE

I'm not gonna hide it, that's the point.

RORY

Lane, think about this for a second, at least.

LANE

Rory, I've been thinking about this my whole life. Nothing's gonna change unless I change it, and now's the time. I need to make a clear statement, one I can't go back on or chicken out on, one that everyone can see. And this is my instrument, it says 'This is me, this is Lane Kim.' [holds up a container of dye]

RORY

That is you, it's black hair dye.

LANE

This is merely a prop until we find my true color. Now, what do you think? Pink? Or is that too Pink the singer and Kelly Osbourne and Gwen Stefani...man, there's a lot of cheese associated with the color pink. Okay, pink's out. There...there's blue – what about blue?

RORY

Blue's probably not right for your skin tone, and I agree with you about pink. What about purple?

LANE

Yes, purple, you're brilliant.

RORY

And bleach, don't forget the bleach.

LANE

Bleach, right, okay, I'll get the bleach. Thank you.

RORY

And make sure that you get some... gloves.

LANE

Got 'em.

RORY

Good, good.

LANE

You all right?

RORY

Yeah, fine, let's go.

LANE

It's a good day today, isn't it?

SHANE

Mmhmm. Twelve fifty-two.

LANE

And I've got exact change for you.

SHANE

Super. [sees Rory staring at her] You need something?

RORY

No. No, I just, um... I was wondering if there's a money-back guarantee. You know, in case her hair falls out or something.

SHANE

Um, sure. If your hair falls out, we'll give you your money back.

RORY

Good. You heard that. The second you go bald, you can come get your money back.

LANE

Rory, you're putting a damper on my Independence Day.

RORY

Sorry, let's go.

LORELAI

Lucas, la escuela!

LUKE

Hey.

LORELAI

Hey. Did you lose track of time?

LUKE

What? Why?

LORELAI

It's four o'clock.

LUKE

I know.

LORELAI

We were supposed to be at the school, like, now.

LUKE

I know.

LORELAI

But you're not ready.

LUKE

What? Oh, right, right, sorry. [removes apron] Okay, I'm ready.

LORELAI

Au contraire.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

You are so not ready.

LUKE

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

The grunge look is out.

LUKE

Hey, I'm not dressing up for this.

LORELAI

Well, you need something better than that.

LUKE

The whole point of this stupid class talk was for us to talk about our work and our success. This flannel shirt is my most successful outfit. I've closed many a deal in this outfit. It's my power outfit.

LORELAI

Come on.

LUKE

Hey, hey, hey, hey, let go, let go, hey, you're pinching me!

LORELAI

Go!

LUKE

I don't wanna change.

LORELAI

Be a good boy and I'll buy you a toy afterward. You wanna toy?

LORELAI

Sorry to barge in.

JESS

No problem. What was that about a toy?

LORELAI

Your Uncle Luke is getting one if he's a good boy.

LUKE

Can we make this more demeaning? Hey, why don't you go downstairs and help out Caesar?

JESS

I think my education comes first, don't you?

LORELAI

Oh my God.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Jimmy Buffett?

LUKE

Put that back.

LORELAI

You like Jimmy Buffett? He's so mellow.

LUKE

I've just been to a few shows, that's all.

LORELAI

A few shows? Oh my God, you're a Buffetthead.

LUKE

Is that the one you want me to wear or not?

LORELAI

Sing Margaritaville.

LUKE

No.

JESS

That attitude's gonna lose you that toy.

LUKE

Stay outta this!

LORELAI

We've got ourselves a winner.

LUKE

Fine, fine, come on. [takes the shirt and walks toward the bathroom]

LORELAI

Just change in here.

LUKE

I'll be more comfortable in here. [goes into bathroom]

LORELAI

I've seen you swimming at the lake so I've seen you with your shirt off.

JESS

Lately? 'Cause he's really let himself go.

LUKE

[from bathroom] I'll be one second.

LORELAI

Lose the baseball cap, too.

JESS

You run the risk of his head falling off without it.

LORELAI

I think he'll be okay.

JESS

Something wrong?

LORELAI

Uh, no...no, I just...no.

LUKE

Happy?

LORELAI

Thrilled. Now a tie with that would be just great.

LUKE

We're leaving. And it's gotta be something I don't have to put together.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

My toy.

LORELAI

Got it.

JESS

Talk good.

LORELAI

Wow, we're late. Oh, by the way, Jess had a girl in the closet.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Come on, pip pip!

LUKE

Who? What was that? Lorelai? What about the closet?

LANE

Okay, combs, rags, instructions, timer, towels, tunes.

RORY

All systems a go.

LANE

So far, so good.

RORY

Now, are you sure about this?

LANE

Will you stop?

RORY

I'm just making sure.

LANE

I'll sign a waiver if you want. Hit play please.

RORY

We should open a window, shouldn't we?

LANE

It's freezing outside.

RORY

Yeah, but the bleach is gonna stink up the whole house.

LANE

Let it. Let it be the first clue that something's happened for when my mom gets home. Let the thick smell of bleach meet her at the doorway like a force that'll usher her into the next chapter of Lane Kim's life. The smell of bleach is the smell of freedom!

RORY

You're very dramatic today.

LANE

To hell with the floor! Oh, that felt good to say.

RORY

You done?

LANE

I'm done.

RORY

Take your seat, please. [Lane sits] And here we go. [Rory starts applying the bleach] How you doing?

LANE

Fine.

RORY

Feeling good?

LANE

Feeling great. This is such a catharsis. I have never felt so naturally high in my life. Stings a little, though.

RORY

Yeah, that happens.

LANE

But just a little, no biggie. More than a little actually, it's kind of a big little.

RORY

Just keep me posted.

LANE

In that case, it's kind of a lot. Yup, yup, a lot of sting happening here.

RORY

Try thinking about something else. God, this smells awful.

LANE

Okay, thinking about something else, something else. Thinking about puppy dogs. Thinking about getting things in the mail. I love getting things in the mail, letters and packages.

RORY

Got a package.

LANE

What's that?

RORY

Oh, Jim Carrey says that in Ace Ventura.

LANE

Good distraction. Still thinking...thinking about world events, lots going on there. Thinking about the last movie I saw. Vin Diesel was in it. Thinking about Vin Diesel now. Thinking about where Vin Diesel got the name Vin Diesel. Thinking about Vin Diesel's mysterious ethnicity. Thinking about how surprising it is to have so much to think about with Vin Diesel. Who knew, who knew? Okay, now I'm just thinking about the pain, we're into pain here.

RORY

Back to Vin Diesel.

LANE

I've exhausted Vin Diesel, but the pain – that's not exhausted!

RORY

What kind of pain is it?

LANE

Ever light your head on fire? I haven't, but I don't have to now 'cause I know how it feels.

RORY

I'll rinse it out.

LANE

No, we'd have to start all over again and now that I know how much pain there is, I'll chicken out for sure!

RORY

I'm getting dizzy from the smell.

LANE

Let's focus on my pain. Now read the bottle, tell me what to do in case of pain.

RORY

Um, blah blah blah, do not apply to a broken scalp – is your scalp broken?

LANE

I don't know, maybe. I don't know my scalp that well.

RORY

There's nothing else about pain. Oh, a girl told me once that if your scalp is hurting from bleach, drink a 7UP. It's something to do with the bubbles.

LANE

The Kim household does not have soft drinks.

RORY

Well, what do you got?

LANE

Something called Salad Water imported from Korea. Believe me, it's nothing like 7UP.

RORY

Oh my God, we have to open this window.

LANE

Okay, I have got to do something!

RORY

Run around the block!

LANE

Why?

RORY

I don't know!

LANE

Good enough for me!

DEBBIE

It's so good of you both to do this, really.

LORELAI

Oh, we're happy to be here, right?

LUKE

Yup, zippity doo dah.

DEBBIE

Oh, Luke, it must be fun to be back at your old alma mater, huh?

LUKE

Oh yeah, I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy here.

LORELAI

Don't let him fool you. He told me he was so excited about today, he couldn't sleep last night.

DEBBIE

Oh, we're all excited, too. It's been so long since we saw you, Lorelai. We had some laughs with this one, let me tell you.

LUKE

Oh yeah, she's a funny one.

DEBBIE

The book fair of '97...what you said to that one rude customer – uh! Priceless how you put him in his place.

LORELAI

Yeah, I put that man in his place, all right, zing!

DEBBIE

Oh oh oh, what you said to him! How could anyone forget?

LORELAI

Huh, yeah.

DEBBIE

Hey, Old Man...

LORELAI

...old man...

DEBBIE

Stick a crowbar -

LORELAI

...crowbar...

DEBBIE

- in your wallet -

LORELAI

... in his wallet...

DEBBIE

- and cough up some dough -

LORELAI

...dough...

DEBBIE

- 'cause this is for our kids!

LORELAI

...our kids! Ha ha!

DEBBIE

You do remember!

LORELAI

What, it's emblazoned up here Debbie, all those good times.

DEBBIE

Definitely. Now everyone's gathered. The vice-principal will finish up in a second and then we'll call you in. Lorelai, you wanna go first?

LORELAI

Yeah, sure. Is that okay?

LUKE

It's okay by me.

DEBBIE

Great. See you in a minute. [walks away]

LORELAI

I couldn't pick that woman out of a lineup if my life depended on it.

LORELAI

Will you lighten up?

LUKE

No, I won't lighten up.

LORELAI

Aw.

LUKE

I hate this place. Still smells the same – old, repressive.

LORELAI

Being back here doesn't make you nostalgic at all?

LUKE

I liked the final bell, that's about it. What are those?

LORELAI

They're, uh, my notes for the talk.

LUKE

You put thought into this?

LORELAI

Yeah, don't you have notes?

LUKE

I run a diner, what are my notes? I open the door, people come in, they order food, I cook the food, I serve the food, they eat the food. Then there's a terrific action sequence where I refill coffee and water. And oh, my big finale is a description of the whole end of the evening mopping up ceremony.

LORELAI

Hey, you're sure you don't mind me going first?

LUKE

Are you kidding? There's a good chance you'll yack so much they won't even get to me.

LORELAI

Oh my God.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Nothing, nothing at all, Butch.

LUKE

For the love of...what's that doing there?

LORELAI

What's it doing? It's yelling, 'Mock me, mock me!'

LUKE

It shouldn't be there.

LORELAI

Oh no, you're right. It should have its own special display at the diner with a big old spotlight on it.

LUKE

Don't they need my permission for this? This should be illegal.

LORELAI

No, those shorts with that tank top should be illegal.

LUKE

Okay, stop now.

LORELAI

What was your girlfriend's name, Sissy?

LUKE

As a matter of fact, no.

LORELAI

Oh, the girls just swooned when Butch Danes took the field.

LUKE

I knew there was another good reason not to do this.

LORELAI

Oh no, don't walk away, Butch. Well, if I thought you didn't care, I'd die, oh, I'd just die.

LANE

It's weird.

RORY

Like straw.

LANE

I feel like I should be singing 'If I Only Had a Brain.'

RORY

Now, you feel better? Burning's completely gone?

LANE

Completely. I even think the Salad Water's helping.

RORY

Okay, here goes nothing. [starts applying the purple dye] So have you mentioned dyeing your hair to the band yet?

LANE

No, but they'll be cool with it. They've all got tattoos. Dave and Zach have musical themes and Brian's got Snoopy.

RORY

Poor guy.

LANE

Yeah, but he's a slamming bass player.

RORY

So you haven't even mentioned it to Dave?

LANE

I just said I didn't tell the band.

RORY

Not even Dave?

LANE

No, not even to Dave. And what's with all the pressing?

RORY

I don't know, Dave's just different from the other two.

LANE

Of course, he's the defacto leader.

RORY

I know, but it also seemed like from the day you guys met there was a little something happening there.

LANE

I don't know what you're talking about.

RORY

You're always talking about him. You always seem to be thinking about him. And now with this hair emancipation of yours, you're going to unheard of lengths to make a statement to your mother about who you are so you can have a shot at staying in the band – all roads lead to Dave.

LANE

Rory, Dave and I are professionals.

RORY

I know.

LANE

Plus, the rock and roll highway is littered with casualties of band members who have dated and broken the band apart.

RORY

That's a sensible attitude.

LANE

Very sensible, very sensible. Dave and I are very sensible people. I'm in love with him.

RORY

I know.

LANE

Is it that obvious?

RORY

Only to a guy with sunglasses and a dog selling pencils.

LANE

He's so cute.

RORY

Definitely cute.

LANE

And smart – you know, that's such a rare package. It's usually one or the other.

RORY

It's wrong, but that's the way it usually is.

LANE

It just increases the amount of competition for the Daves of the world.

RORY

You're rare, too, don't forget.

LANE

I've never really felt this way before. I mean, Henry – yes, but we never spent any real time together. It's not just puppy love, you know, it's different. I mean, I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about him, and when I call him to work out times for band practice, the ring of his telephone gets me really excited. And last week, someone said Dave at school – it wasn't even about my Dave, and I almost lost it, I got so shaky.

RORY

My Dave – that's so cute.

LANE

Stop it.

RORY

This sounds like love to me.

LANE

It does, doesn't it? My first love, wow.

RORY

Yeah, wow.

LANE

I finally have a first love, like what you and Dean have.

RORY

Right... exactly.

LANE

Of course, I don't exactly have what you and Dean have because you love Dean and Dean loves you back. In my situation, I love Dave and Dave thinks that I have a decent sense of rhythm.

RORY

Don't move, you'll drip.

LANE

God, you're so lucky – to love a guy who actually knows you love him and who loves you back. That's gotta be the best feeling ever.

RORY

I think this purple's gonna look good.

LANE

I want that. I want that really bad.

RORY

You'll have that. You will have your perfect first love and second love and any other love you want because you're great and purple heads will not be denied.

LANE

Now that should've been put on the box.

RORY

Okay, now, head down please.

DEBBIE

Okay, we're all ready for you guys.

LORELAI

Great, excellent.

DEBBIE

Okay, uh, Luke, you can have a seat here while Lorelai's talking, okay?

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

[points to desk] Hey, what's that? Luke plus Sissy.

LUKE

Start your speech.

DEBBIE

Okay, everyone, we're ready to begin. We have two local luminaries here to talk to us today. You probably all recognize Luke Danes from his fabulous diner, but we're really excited to begin with a former Stars Hollow High mom, Lorelai Gilmore.

LORELAI

No, no, save it for when I wow you with my brilliance. I'm really happy to be here with you all today. I recognize a lot of you from over the years and you're all getting taller and older – stop it. Anyhow, as some of you know, I run the Independence Inn. Sounds simple, running an inn. Well, the sentence is simple, the job is not. Like most jobs, mine involves many other people, people it is my job to hire, to train, and to inspire because when you have good employees it makes you look good. Oh, questions already – are questions okay?

DEBBIE

They're encouraged.

LORELAI

Yes?

GIRL 1

You're Rory Gilmore's mom, aren't you?

LORELAI

Yes I am, and proud of it.

GIRL 1

Oh.

LORELAI

Oh, is that it? Well, I hope all your questions are that easy. Okay, now, why is it necessary to inspire employees? Why can't you just train 'em and let 'em do their jobs? Well...yes?

GIRL 2

Didn't you get pregnant when you were sixteen?

LORELAI

Um, sixteen...it was around that age. Sixteen, that sounds right. Okay. Different people working for you will have different needs...yeah?

BOY

Well, what about school?

LORELAI

School? I'm sorry.

BOY

Did you drop out when you got pregnant with Rory?

LORELAI

No, technically, I didn't drop out. I, uh, I kept going as long as I could while I got pregnant, which I would recommend to any girl. Not the getting pregnant part, obviously. Um, although, uh, if that happens, um, you know... it shouldn't. I mean, it could but you should try to avoid it... um, anyway, uh, I got my GED, yeah.

DEBBIE

Lorelai, why don't we move this along?

LORELAI

Yes, oh, moving it along, moving it along. Okay, okay, okay. Boy, I should've been more organized here.

GIRL 1

Well, are you sorry you got pregnant?

LORELAI

No, it brought me Rory, but timing is everything. I mean, I could've...sixteen, you guys are sixteen, right ...and hey, is that clock right?

GIRL 3

What do you mean by timing?

GIRL 1

Yeah, if you had waited and had a baby with another man at a different time...

GIRL 4

It wouldn't have been Rory, right?

LORELAI

Hey, you know what's fun to talk about? Late checkout.

GIRL 2

But it was good you got pregnant when you did because you got Rory.

LORELAI

Look, you guys, this is a very important subject, and I promise that another time I would love to take you all for a cup of coffee and, and talk about ...if you should even be allowed to drink coffee because coffee is for older... [sighs] ...Butch Danes, everybody.

RORY

What?

LANE

It's perfect, I love it.

RORY

Well, stop primping and get out here. [Lane opens the door and reveals her purple hair] Whoa.

LANE

It's everything I hoped it would be.

RORY

It's very rock and roll.

LANE

We've gotta take a picture.

RORY

Get the camera.

LANE

I am a Kodak picture spot.

LANE

Should I scowl or smile?

RORY

Surprise me.

LANE

This is the most radical thing a Kim has done since my cousin Nam got caught reading Maxim at summer camp.

RORY

That must be your mom. Lane? Lane, you're turning white. What's wrong? Lane!

LANE

I can't do this.

RORY

Can't do what?

LANE

Dye my hair.

RORY

Um, it's kinda too late.

LANE

This is gonna kill her.

RORY

It won't kill her, it'll just shock her.

LANE

But the shock will kill her and then she'll kill me, we're talking bloodbath here. We've gotta put it back.

RORY

Put it back?

LANE

Back to black, right now, hurry! Go, go!

RORY

Go where?

LANE

Back to the store to get the black hair dye.

RORY

No!

LANE

Yes!

RORY

No!

LANE

Yes!

RORY

This is insane.

LANE

Rory, I just drank a gallon of liquid salad. Insanity is a daily staple at the Kim house. Go, go!

RORY

Okay, I'm going. [walks to the door]

LANE

Where are you going?

RORY

You're messing with my mind here.

LANE

You can't go out that way, my mom will see you.

RORY

My head is my normal color, she can see me.

LANE

But if she sees you, she'll come looking for me. [points to the window]

RORY

You owe me.

LANE

Big time forever. Now make like the wind. Go go, go go go go!

SHANE

[on phone] Uh huh...All I know is I don't have it, so it's gotta be at your place...You're not looking for it, you're watching TV, I can tell...Yeah, whatever. I'll just get a new one. So, what are we doing tonight? ... I don't know, I'm sick of eating. I've been eating like a pig, I feel all bloaty... It is so a word, it's a word 'cause I said it. That's how words get invented, 'cause people say 'em and then other people say 'em... You're such a jerk sometimes and I'm always nice to you...

RORY

Excuse me?

SHANE

[on phone] I get off at the same boring time.

RORY

Excuse me?

SHANE

Yeah?

RORY

I don't have all day.

SHANE

[on phone] Hold on a sec. [to Rory] Will this be all?

RORY

Yeah, that'll be all. I'm growing a beard here.

SHANE

What's your problem?

RORY

What's your problem? I'm a customer, I'm in a hurry, and you're supposed to assist me.

SHANE

I am assisting you.

RORY

Yeah, after you took your sweet time getting off the phone, which by the way, clearly was not a business call.

SHANE

Un-freaking-believable.

RORY

Yeah, it is, it is. The level of service in this place is just that – un-freaking-believable.

SHANE

Have a nice day.

RORY

Yeah, thanks, you too. And by the way, bloaty is not a word. There's bloated, there's bloating, but no bloaty.

SHANE

Thanks, that's fascinating.

RORY

Well, for you, how ice is made is probably fascinating. See ya.

LORELAI

Don't.

LUKE

I'm trying not to, I swear. [laughs] I'm not trying hard, I'll grant you that.

LORELAI

What was with those kids? So curious, so full of questions. Shouldn't their brains be completely fried on TV and video games by now?

LORELAI

It wasn't funny.

LUKE

Not from your angle. From mine, it was an evening at the Improv.

LORELAI

I'm not gonna be allowed within a mile of the school ever again.

LUKE

On the positive side, you did me a favor. Now I have a pleasant memory from that school – you being nailed like a two by four by a group of sixteen-year-olds.

LORELAI

Oh no, what's this?

LUKE

Looks like high noon in Stars Hollow.

LORELAI

They're not carrying tar and feathers, are they?

LORELAI

Oh, hi everybody. Wow, the whole gang. What's up?

DEBBIE

Well, I felt obligated to tell the other moms about your little performance at school before they heard about it elsewhere.

LORELAI

Really, 'cause usually I like to meet up at Sardi's after a performance, wait for the reviews. I hope The Times liked me. Nothing, huh?

LADY 1

So, you're preaching to our daughters that it's okay to get pregnant at sixteen, am I getting that right?

LORELAI

No, not at all, I was just answering their questions.

LADY 1

Well, it's your answers we didn't like.

LORELAI

Hey, I was talking about my job like I was supposed to, but your kids kept asking about my pregnancy. What was I supposed to do?

DEBBIE

Fend them off, change the subject!

LORELAI

I tried, Debbie, but they kept coming at me like I was Poland and they were Nazis. Remember the old days, girls, when I used to make you laugh?

LADY 2

There's nothing funny about this.

LORELAI

Their questions just threw me off, that's all.

LADY 1

Sounds like you just flaunted your mistakes.

LORELAI

Now, hold on. You have no right to judge me. All I said was that for my particular circumstances things worked out okay. I advocated nothing to them. You're all acting like I walked into that room tossing condoms in the air.

LADY 2

You might as well have.

LORELAI

Fine, next time I will. I'll bring a banana and we'll have a little show and tell. How 'bout that?

LADY 1

What kind of mother are you?

LORELAI

The kind that doesn't gloss over things just because they're a little uncomfortable.

DEBBIE

This whole incident was awkward and unnecessary.

LORELAI

No, Deb, I'd say, Deb, that what's awkward and unnecessary, Deb, is that you all seem to go to the same lousy hairdresser. How 'bout mixing it up a little, huh, girls?

LUKE

I gotta get going. You good here?

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

DEBBIE

You don't have to take that tone.

LORELAI

You ambush me, then you're offended by my tone?

LUKE

Hey.

JESS

Hey. So what's going on out there?

LUKE

Ah, just Lorelai...dealing with some women about something or other. So we did that thing at the school today. [Luke looks behind a chair] Yeah, it went pretty well. All the kids seemed relatively unarmed. [he looks into the closet] Yeah, I just told 'em about the diner and cooking things, and I expect kids all over town will rush out tomorrow and buy a spatula.

JESS

Checking for monsters?

LUKE

Oh, no, just...

JESS

Just what?

LUKE

Just didn't wanna accidentally bump into someone in there.

JESS

What are you talking about?

LUKE

Jess, did you have a girl stashed in there before?

JESS

Before what?

LUKE

Lorelai said you were hiding someone here earlier, she said a girl – were you?

JESS

Yes.

LUKE

Jess, you don't shove a girl in a closet.

JESS

I did not shove her in the closet. She got in voluntarily.

LUKE

Oh, sure.

JESS

Look, Shane freaked when she heard you guys coming. Next thing I know, she's in there. I personally didn't care if you guys saw us or not, but hey – women, right? You can't live with 'em, you can't keep 'em from jumping in the closet.

LUKE

Uh, you and I have got to have a little talk.

JESS

Hey, if you're gonna get all Ward Cleaver on me, I gotta go call Eddie and Lumpy and tell 'em I'm gonna be late.

LUKE

Shut up for a second, would ya? Look, I know you're at an age where the whole girl thing is...you know, on your mind a lot, and it's probably not helping you to think straight with all the hormones and other things that are raging around in there. My point is that you gotta think about things a little better, you know, the way you act. I mean, if you care about a girl the way you do with this Shane –

JESS

I don't care about her.

LUKE

What?

JESS

I don't even know her last name.

LUKE

You're kidding.

JESS

She mentioned it once. It didn't stick.

LUKE

Well, if you don't care about her, what are you doing with her?

JESS

Just hanging with her, no biggie.

LUKE

Well, you gotta be doing something more than hanging with her. I mean, you got to at least be doing something with her to make her jump in a closet when people come into the room.

JESS

Relax, will ya? All is good.

LUKE

Jess, this isn't right. You can't treat a girl like this, like dirt!

JESS

If it's any consolation to you, she treats me like dirt, too. It's a pretty symbiotic relationship.

LUKE

And that's fine with you?

JESS

Yes, it is.

LUKE

To just go along in a relationship, you treat somebody bad and they treat you bad back.

JESS

That's right.

LUKE

Oh, that makes you happy?

JESS

I'd do backflips but I am way too cool.

LUKE

That makes absolutely no sense.

JESS

It doesn't have to make sense to you.

LUKE

There are plenty other of girls out there in the world, Jess.

JESS

Don't you have to get back to the diner?

LUKE

I mean, you can go out and at least find one that you actually care about.

JESS

Oh, like it's that easy.

LUKE

Yeah, it's that easy if you try.

JESS

Hey, the girls that I like don't give a damn about me! And unlike some other people I know, I'm not gonna sit around hoping that they change their minds and suddenly notice me.

LUKE

What's that supposed to mean?

JESS

You fixed any neighbor's porches lately? Or you go on a picnic or you get rooked into giving a ridiculous speech at a high school?

LUKE

Shut up.

JESS

At least I've got a little self-esteem.

LUKE

Shut up.

JESS

I'm not playing Golden Retriever, hoping one day she'll turn around and fall in my arms. If she doesn't wanna be with me, then fine.

LUKE

You have no idea what you're talking about.

JESS

Whatever. I gotta go, Shane's waiting.

LUKE

Oh, you mean what's-her-name?

JESS

Yeah, I'll bring you a new leash when I get back.

LUKE

Get outta here.

LANE

Busy day, busy day.

RORY

I'm pretty exhausted.

LANE

I guess it was just too big of a statement for me to make right now.

RORY

Maybe. Oh, hey, I just thought of something.

LANE

What?

RORY

Technically, you have dyed hair.

LANE

I do, don't I?

RORY

Yup.

LANE

I mean, dyed my natural color, yes – but dyed nonetheless.

RORY

Not one strand of real color on that head of yours.

LANE

So, I guess that means we can score this as a victory, right?

RORY

Absolutely, put it in the victory column.

SHANE

That girl's a freak.

LANE

What was that about?

RORY

It's been a very long day.

LORELAI

Ah, people who like me, great.

RORY

How was your talk at the school?

LORELAI

Oh, just peachy. [to Lane] Is your hair blacker?

LANE

Uh oh.

RORY

Oh, I wish you hadn't have said that. It's not noticeable, but just stay out of bright lighting.

LORELAI

What happened?

LANE

I dyed my hair.

LORELAI

Uh!

LANE

Then I dyed it back, but for a full thirty minutes, I looked like this. [pulls out the picture]

LORELAI

Whoa, you look cool! You're insane.

LANE

I got sane again, but I will always have that picture. Oh, uh, hide it at your place?

LORELAI

Will do.

LANE

I gotta go. And remember, we still need a plan.

LORELAI

Yes, we do.

LORELAI

Why do we need a plan?

RORY

A plan so that Lane doesn't have to quit her band.

LORELAI

Lane can't quit the band! She has to get famous and introduce me to Bono.

RORY

I told her that.

LORELAI

All right, let's go eat...see if we can figure out a way to salvage my future as a groupie.

RORY

Sounds good.

LORELAI

Let's go to Al's Pancake World for a change. He's doing a salute to Jamaica again.

RORY

Okay, as long as Al doesn't play the kettle drums all night.

LORELAI

We'll hide his mallets when he's not looking.

RORY

So, come on, tell me how the talk went.

LORELAI

Oh, it was great. It was one minute on my success in the business world, and that went very well. And it was ten minutes on the possibility that if I had had sex with a different man at a different time in my life, you wouldn't have been born.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I kind of got off on a tangent.

RORY

A big one. How did that happen?

LORELAI

I'll tell you about it at Al's. Just don't expect to be invited to any more swim parties at Kathy Fincher's house.

RORY

Well, don't wait 'til Al's. Tell me now.

LORELAI

Oh, I just love my little fluke.

RORY

Come on, what happened?

LORELAI

All right. Well, it started off really good and then all these kids started asking me all these questions, you know, about like... .