T3E5: “Eight O’Clock at the Oasis”

LORELAI

And the rabbit says, 'How about that schnitzel!' Well?

RORY

Well what? There's no punchline.

LORELAI

That is the punchline.

RORY

'How about that schnitzel!' – that's the punchline?

LORELAI

Well, no, not when you say it like that.

RORY

How am I supposed to say it?

LORELAI

Like a punchline.

RORY

How about that schnitzel!

LORELAI

Oh, forget it.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

You ruined my joke.

RORY

Um, no, the punchline ruined your joke.

LORELAI

Ha!

RORY

What?

LORELAI

You admit it's a punchline.

RORY

Oh my God.

LORELAI

Ha, I am vindicated. 'How about that schnitzel!' has officially been declared a punchline.

RORY

A really bad punchline.

LORELAI

No one asked for the Norton Critical Edition. All the schnitzel and I wanted was some recognition and now we have it.

LORELAI

Oh, man, it's packed in here.

RORY

I guess we counter it.

LORELAI

Oh, I guess we do.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

What do you know, your face really can freeze that way.

RORY

Are you okay?

LUKE

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm great. It's a big fat happy sunshine day for me.

LORELAI

Business looks good.

RORY

Yeah, the place is packed.

LUKE

Sure, it's been taken over by the J. Crew catalog.

RORY

Oh, look, babies!

LORELAI

I never wanna hear that come out of your mouth again.

WOMAN

Find the yellow ball.

MAN

[searching through a diaper bag] Yellow ball, yellow ball, yellow ball... ah, yellow duck.

WOMAN

Ball.

MAN

Yellow ball, yellow ball, yellow ball.

LUKE

Every weekend, the same stupid group comes in here and take up all my tables and every chair they can get their sticky hands on, and they do that. They sit, they stand, one person holds the kid, another person holds the kid.

MAN 2

I've got Choo-Choo Joe.

LUKE

This guy runs in and out and back and forth, the other guy never takes his head out of that stupid bag, the women can't figure out which kid is which, and they do it all morning long, and then order two iced teas to go, and that is it.

LORELAI

I'm sure you're exaggerating.

LUKE

I am not exaggerating.

WOMAN 2

Oh god.

LUKE

Oh, now, this is good, you see – Choo-Choo Joe will not be working.

WOMAN 2

Get the Bongo Bear. Get the Bongo Bear.

RORY

How'd you know that?

LUKE

Because Joe has not been working for the last six months. Personally, I don't think he's broken, I think he killed himself to get away from that family.

LORELAI

Oh, now that kid's a major drooler.

RORY

Yeah, it's like a fountain.

LUKE

Okay, that's it, they have to go.

LORELAI

Luke, come on, it's just spit. Pretend you're at a baseball game.

LUKE

No no no, I've had enough. Let them go not spend money at Al's, I'm through.

LUKE

Is that woman doing what I think she's doing?

LORELAI

Um, well, I can't be a hundred percent sure, but... oh yeah, that's lunch.

LUKE

Why, why do they do this? This is a public place, people are eating here.

RORY

They sure are.

LUKE

This cannot be sanitary.

LORELAI

I agree. You don't know where that thing's been.

LUKE

When did that become acceptable? In the old days, a woman would never consider doing that in public. They'd go find a barn or a cave or something. I mean, it's indecent. This is a diner not a peep show!

LORELAI

Hey, consider making it a combo. You could charge more for your cheeseburgers. Of course, no one would ever feel the same ordering a glass of milk again, but ...

LUKE

I have to do something. I just can't stand here and let the lactating continue.

LORELAI

Luke.

RORY

Gross!

LUKE

I'm gross? I'm not the one exposing myself for the entire world to see. That's it.

LUKE

You go make her stop.

LORELAI

I'm not going over there.

LUKE

Why not? You're a woman.

LORELAI

So what?

LUKE

So you have the same parts.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

You shouldn't be scared of it.

LORELAI

Scared of it? You know, you're gonna be a bachelor for a really long time.

LUKE

I am being taken advantage of here, and I do not like being taken advantage of. I hate this!

JESS

Oh geez!

LUKE

Okay, well, that was kind of fun.

LORELAI

Aw, is it your nap time?

MICHEL

The Tylers in twelve asked to have their toxic pillows removed.

LORELAI

Our pillows aren't toxic.

MICHEL

According to the complimentary travel magazine that we put in their room, down pillows can carry airborne diseases and mold.

LORELAI

Unbelievable – I didn't think anyone ever read those magazines.

MICHEL

I think she had to, there was a picture of a roast chicken on the cover.

LORELAI

Michel.

MICHEL

She is large.

LORELAI

Michel.

MICHEL

And her husband in ugly.

LORELAI

Hey!

MICHEL

They threw pillows at me!

LORELAI

Independence inn.

EMILY

You really should identify yourself when you answer the phone at work.

LORELAI

Sorry. Independence Inn, major disappointment speaking. Better?

EMILY

Yes, thank you. Now I wanna talk to you about something.

LORELAI

Shoot.

EMILY

I'm in charge of the Society Matron's League's annual antique auction next Tuesday and I thought maybe you'd like to come.

LORELAI

Society Matron's League? That's quite a name.

EMILY

And what is wrong with that name, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Nothing, it just sounds so serious. Brings to mind a room full of old ladies wearing black dresses and cameos and pushing spoonfuls of cod liver oil on the kids.

EMILY

That's a very flattering portrait of my friends you're painting.

LORELAI

I didn't mean your friends. I meant the other old ladies in the league, the ones who don't like you and your friends 'cause you guys are so young.

EMILY

Kindly wrap this up soon, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Consider it wrapped.

EMILY

Thank you. As I was saying, all the proceeds from the auction go to the children's hospital, and we're going to be offering some lovely pieces which I think would like very nice in that inn of yours.

LORELAI

What sort of pieces?

EMILY

Basically a lot canes and shawls, a couple of walkers. I believe we finally talked Old Lady Rollins into giving up her teeth.

LORELAI

What sort of pieces, Mom?

EMILY

We have a couple of wonderful writing desks, and some French end tables, rocking chairs, picture frames, lamps, davenports.

LORELAI

Well...

EMILY

The worst that can happen is you won't find anything you like and you've wasted a couple of hours. And who knows, you might find something you love. Plus, I will be way too busy to sit with you if that is of concern.

LORELAI

That is not a concern. Define 'way too busy.'

EMILY

Are you interested or not?

LORELAI

When is this auction?

EMILY

Tuesday at one o'clock.

LORELAI

I'll think about it.

EMILY

I'll see you Tuesday.

LORELAI

Bye. [hangs up]

MICHEL

I'm sorry, did I hear you mention something about an auction?

LORELAI

Uh, my mother's women's group is having one next week.

MICHEL

Oh, well, you know – I love a good auction. The drama, the strategy.

LORELAI

The strategy?

MICHEL

Oh, yes. First, you mustn't be too eager because that drives the price way up.

LORELAI

Don't be too eager, got it.

MICHEL

And you must always be extremely careful of your paddle movements.

LORELAI

Well, that certainly calls for a "Dirty!"

MICHEL

Mm, how's your arm raise? Good?

LORELAI

Pretty good.

MICHEL

Ah, I have an excellent arm raise.

LORELAI

That's what it says on the bathroom wall.

MICHEL

Yes, well, if you need some tips...

LORELAI

I'll give you a call.

MICHEL

Good. Take me to the auction!

LORELAI

Michel.

MICHEL

Take me, I insist you take me!

LORELAI

You don't even know if it's gonna be any good. It's just a bunch of society women.

MICHEL

If your mother's involved, it will be impeccable and I haven't been to an impeccable auction in over a year.

LORELAI

Well, I don't know.

MICHEL

What do you want?

LORELAI

Michel, I don't want anything.

MICHEL

Stop playing coy with me. I want into that auction, you name your price.

LORELAI

Okay, you have to work weekends for the rest of this month.

MICHEL

Done.

LORELAI

And you have to answer the phone when it rings.

MICHEL

Done.

LORELAI

And you have to answer it in English, unless the person is actually foreign.

MICHEL

Done.

LORELAI

And you have to oversee the nature hikers next week.

MICHEL

No.

LORELAI

Michel, if you wanna go to this auction, you have to be in the lobby at six o'clock Friday morning. You have to hand out towels and water bottles, you have to show them the hiking trails, and you have to let them give you a nature name.

MICHEL

Fine, I will let them give me a nature name.

LORELAI

All right, then, you can come.

MICHEL

Thank you.

LORELAI

Buttercup.

MICHEL

You cannot give them suggestions!

RORY

I can't believe you got into a fight with Pete.

LORELAI

Hey, you do not suddenly decide that garlic is an extra topping, not after five years, not after all we've been through. We single-handedly helped Pete pay for that new delivery truck of his, and I thought he needed to be reminded of that fact.

RORY

Very loudly.

LORELAI

Not that loudly.

RORY

Dogs started barking.

LORELAI

Because they heard about the garlic incident, and no one likes getting screwed, Rory, not even a Schnauzer. Pete's a swindler. He takes advantage of single mothers and their innocent children and for that, he must pay – what?

RORY

He gave us free cheesy bread.

LORELAI

He did? Oh!

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

I love the cheesy bread.

RORY

I know you do.

LORELAI

It's all hot, too.

RORY

Now doesn't someone feel a little silly?

LORELAI

Me?

RORY

Should we call Pete tonight?

LORELAI

Okay, after cheesy bread.

RORY

Fine, after the cheesy bread.

LORELAI

I'm gonna go get the mail – go on inside.

RORY

Okay, I'm gonna go melt some more cheese on the pizza.

LORELAI

Melt away.

DWIGHT

Hey! Hello there, neighbor!

LORELAI

Hi. I'm sorry, are we neighbors?

DWIGHT

Yes, yes we are. I just moved in across the way.

LORELAI

Oh, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, Beenie Morrison's old place.

DWIGHT

That's right, Beenie Morrison's old place.

LORELAI

Aw.

DWIGHT

Beenie Morrison's old place. I live in Beenie Morrison's old place. Isn't that great?

LORELAI

Only if Beenie Morrison didn't want to live there anymore.

DWIGHT

Oh no, I paid him a very good price. Overpaid, actually, but it was worth it. I've been dreaming about a place like Beenie Morrison's old place for a long time, and then I found it. I'm sorry, I'm just really excited.

LORELAI

That's okay, it's nice.

DWIGHT

It's a great neighborhood.

LORELAI

Yes, it is.

DWIGHT

Everyone's so friendly. Babette – do you know Babette?

LORELAI

Everybody knows Babette.

DWIGHT

Oh, she's a great lady. Oh, uh, anyhow, I'm Dwight.

LORELAI

I'm Lorelai. And if you see a teen walking around with a halo and a book, that's my daughter Rory.

DWIGHT

Very nice to meet you, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Nice to meet you too, Dwight. Welcome to the neighborhood. If there's anything I can do to help out, let me know.

DWIGHT

Really?

LORELAI

Sure.

DWIGHT

Well, that's great. Actually, I have this little favor I'd love to ask.

LORELAI

Oh, right now?

DWIGHT

Well, this week. You know, I just got this beautiful lawn put in, really amazing shade of green, and the guy who put it in for me, he told me that I have to keep each bade of grass very moist for the first few days while the roots take, but I have to go on a business trip for a few days. Huh, last minute, and believe me, I tried to get out of it but my boss said, 'Dwight, get off your keister and go make us some money', so I gotta go.

LORELAI

Well, sure, when the word keister's being thrown around, what are you gonna do?

DWIGHT

Exactly. So I was wondering if maybe you could water my lawn?

LORELAI

Oh.

DWIGHT

Only for a few days. You know, a little in the morning, a little in the late afternoon or evening, depending on your schedule. It would be a really big favor.

LORELAI

Uh, well, I guess, I could water your lawn, Dwight – sure.

DWIGHT

Boy, that is something. If I would have asked somebody back where I used to live to water my lawn, I would've gotten a much more HBO kind of answer. I love it here! Uh, so, uh, can you come on over now?

LORELAI

Excuse me?

DWIGHT

So I can show you where the on/off nozzle is. It'll only take a second.

LORELAI

Oh, my daughter's waiting inside for me, I –

DWIGHT

Oh, uh, well, we can do it tomorrow before I leave.

LORELAI

Great. What time are you leaving tomorrow?

DWIGHT

Six a.m.

LORELAI

Now sounds fine.

DWIGHT

That's so terrific. Uh, follow me.

LORELAI

Okay.

DWIGHT

You just gotta go over here and make a right.

LORELAI

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I know where it is.

DWIGHT

Welcome to The Oasis! That's what I named this place, The Oasis, my oasis, a little slice of heaven right here on Earth. Gosh, I swear, I still can't believe I'm here. I was in a terrible marriage, you know.

LORELAI

Actually, I didn't.

DWIGHT

Oh, yeah, horrible, like a punishment out of Greek mythology. The women had five heads, suffering, agony. You know, I used to be taller?

LORELAI

Really, she shrunk you?

DWIGHT

I used to have more hair, too.

LORELAI

Uh huh.

DWIGHT

And higher arches.

LORELAI

Wow.

DWIGHT

But through all the screaming and the name calling, the berating and the humiliation, somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew someday I would have it – my oasis. Oh, that's what got me through. That's what kept me from sticking my head through a plate glass window every night when I got home.

LORELAI

Well, that's a really nice story, Dwight. It's very inspiring and... oh, hey, this looks like it does something.

DWIGHT

Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, this is the on/off spigot.

LORELAI

Aha.

DWIGHT

You just turn it to the right for on.

LORELAI

Oh.

DWIGHT

And the left for off.

LORELAI

Seems simple.

DWIGHT

It's very simple.

LORELAI

Okay, so, twice a day.

DWIGHT

Yeah, for a good fifteen minute soaking.

LORELAI

I will soak my best.

DWIGHT

I really appreciate it.

LORELAI

Okay, well, you have a good trip.

DWIGHT

I owe ya.

RORY

Where have you been?

LORELAI

Get in the house.

RORY

I thought you were gonna go get the mail.

LORELAI

Go, go, go!

RORY

What are you doing?

LORELAI

Don't look around, stare straight ahead, no more talking to people ever!

RORY

Mom!

AUCTIONEER

Next up, we have an occasional table from a distinguished, family-owned company in Vermont, circa 1912. We shall start the bidding at two hundred-fifty dollars. Do I hear two-fifty? Two hundred fifty, thank you.

LORELAI

Wow, lots of garbage at these things.

MICHEL

Always. You've got to be patient and wait for what you want to appear, then pounce.

LORELAI

Hm, true at an auction, true at a singles bar.

MICHEL

To put it crudely, yes.

LORELAI

Crap, crap, crap that makes the previous two items not seem like crap.

MICHEL

Could you keep your crap commentaries to yourself?

AUCTIONEER

Four hundred dollars, we have four hundred, four hundred – going once, going twice, sold to bidder number sixty-five.

LORELAI

Aw, wow, that was a good table.

MICHEL

It was a good table, not a great table.

LORELAI

We should've gone for it.

MICHEL

Too expensive and too many scratches.

LORELAI

We could've buffed the scratches out.

MICHEL

Look, if you want it that bad, it's quite obvious that the buyer's children will be selling it at his probate in the very near future.

LORELAI

You're awful.

MICHEL

And he's old, now be quiet.

EMILY

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Oh, hey Mom, you remember Michel?

EMILY

Yes, from the inn.

MICHEL

Hello Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

Didn't you see me waving at you before?

LORELAI

Yeah.

EMILY

You didn't wave back.

LORELAI

It's dangerous to wave at an auction. You didn't see before, but when you waved you bought a motorcycle and a sidecar.

EMILY

I did not.

LORELAI

Circa 1912. Now would you drive it or would you sit in the sidecar?

NATALIE

There she is, the Cobra.

EMILY

Oh, now, Natalie.

LORELAI

The what?

NATALIE

This woman gets her way or she squeezes 'til you comply.

LORELAI

Like a superhero.

EMILY

Ignore her, Natalie is just being Natalie. My daughter, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Nice to meet you.

NATALIE

Your mother's got such spunk. You must love her.

LORELAI

I think she'd squeeze me to death if I didn't.

EMILY

Natalie, you're embarrassing me.

NATALIE

Oh, hush, Emily. Listen to this... our auctioneer calls in sick this morning, they are such flakes, and what is an auction without an auctioneer?

LORELAI

Just a bunch of nuts with paddles surrounded by mismatched furniture?

NATALIE

Exactly. But your mother got on the horn with that lazy Charlie and she squeezed and squeezed 'til – voila – he suddenly felt better. The Cobra.

LORELAI

The Cobra.

EMILY

Oh, now, stop it.

NATALIE

You're humble, don't be. Nice to meet you.

LORELAI

Same here.

NATALIE

Edna's group wants to give you kudos, too, Emily. Make sure to swing by.

EMILY

I will.

EMILY

I should make the rounds. Say goodbye before you leave.

LORELAI

Hm, I will, Cobra.

EMILY

Stop it.

LORELAI

It goes with the motorcycle thing, too.

AUCTIONEER

Do I have two hundred-fifty? Two hundred-fifty, thank you. Do I have three hundred? Three hundred, thank you very much.

LORELAI

Oh, is this our end tables?

MICHEL

Shh!

AUCTIONEER

Moving on to three-fifty? Three-fifty, do we have four?

LORELAI

Let me do the paddle.

MICHEL

No.

LORELAI

I just wanna hold it, it's still your thing.

MICHEL

I'm losing my concentration.

LORELAI

Fine. I'm gonna go get a drink.

MICHEL

Please.

AUCTIONEER

Do we have five hundred?

PEYTON

Can I get a Merlot, please?

BARTENDER

Yes sir.

LORELAI

Oh, that sounds great, make it two.

BARTENDER

[pouring drink] Got just enough for one and this is the last of the red, sorry.

LORELAI

Aw. I'll give you two bucks for it.

BARTENDER

They're free.

LORELAI

Which makes two bucks a great offer, and this is an auction, right?

BARTENDER

Yes.

PEYTON

Three.

BARTENDER

What?

PEYTON

I'll give you three for it.

LORELAI

Four.

PEYTON

Five.

LORELAI

Six.

PEYTON

Six-fifty

LORELAI

Ooh, losing steam.

PEYTON

Just weighing cost versus benefit.

LORELAI

Well, you've gotta think about these things.

PEYTON

How about this? Can I get an empty glass?

BARTENDER

Yes, sir.

LORELAI

Aw. You're the Solomon of wine.

PEYTON

Everybody's gotta be something. I got a few things coming up that I'm bidding on.

LORELAI

Oh, oh. Great, the bartender and I are the only ones in the building that don't get to hold a paddle.

PEYTON

Why don't you put a bid on one of the paddles?

LORELAI

What would I use to bid on it?

PEYTON

I'm Solomon, not Einstein.

LORELAI

Bye Solomon.

BARTENDER

Oops, I had a spare bottle all the time.

LORELAI

Oh, thanks. This was better.

LORELAI

Hi, yes, I was at your auction yesterday and I was wondering if you could help me. Um, I met a man there and I would like to contact him but I didn't get his name and I wondered if you could look it up for me. He was paddle number seventeen, and... Oh right, confidential, got it... Well, you know, actually, I misspoke earlier because this isn't a complete stranger I'm trying to contact here, he's an old friend from school... Good question. Well, I don't know his name because I only knew him by his nickname... Uh, Shamu. We called him Shamu. He was kind of, um, a big guy in high school, but he's slimmed down quite a bit... No, see, I don't have time to contact the high school alumni committee because time is of the essence... See, Shamu and I went to a liquor store after the auction and we bought a lottery ticket together and we tore it and I took half and he took half, and I'll be damned if the thing didn't win! ... Fourteen million dollars! ... Really, but see, we have to claim it by four p.m. today or we forfeit... Ah, yes... Oh, well, but there's one more thing that I forgot to tell you. See, um, my blood type is o-negative and he's o-negative and I have a medical condition that... All right, then. Well, thank you anyway. Bye. [hangs up]

RORY

So...

LORELAI

Yes?

RORY

You ran into your old friend Shamu?

LORELAI

Mmhmm.

RORY

And you won millions of dollars?

LORELAI

Yup.

RORY

And you need a transfusion?

LORELAI

I'm just trying to get the name of a really cool guy I met at this auction, but they won't give it to me.

RORY

Wow, that's a lot of effort. Must've been cute.

LORELAI

And witty – you don't meet that everyday.

RORY

You know who would have his name?

LORELAI

Who?

RORY

Grandma.

LORELAI

Ah, no, she only knows the Bitty's, she doesn't know the young ones.

RORY

She knows everyone at these kinds of things. You know Grandma.

LORELAI

I cannot ask her for this.

RORY

Then kiss Shamu goodbye.

LORELAI

But maybe you could ask her.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Come on, ask her, do me a favor!

RORY

You want me to ask Grandma for the name of a man that I didn't meet at a function that I didn't attend?

LORELAI

I'll share my lottery winnings with you.

RORY

It's ridiculously transparent.

LORELAI

Fourteen million dollars.

RORY

But you're sharing half with him and taxes will take a huge chunk, and oh yeah – you didn't win the lottery. Ask her yourself.

LORELAI

You're mean.

RORY

Did you call information and ask them for paddle seventeen's listing?

EMILY

What do you think of the pork? Rory?

RORY

It's good.

EMILY

I'm not sure. Richard?

RICHARD

It's fine.

EMILY

I'm not sure.

LORELAI

It's really good, Mom.

EMILY

Yes, well, I'm not sure.

RICHARD

Pork is bred leaner these days. It has a different taste. Less fat equals less flavor. Yet another example of the great advances man has made, flavorless pork. Hurrah for the opposable thumbs.

EMILY

All right, enough talk about pork. Please, someone change the subject.

RORY

Mom had a really good time at the auction the other day.

EMILY

Did you?

LORELAI

Yes, yes, I did.

EMILY

Well, I'm glad. Did you see anything you liked?

RORY

Yeah, Mom, anything look good to you there?

LORELAI

Yes, actually, I, uh, bought a couple of end tables for the inn.

EMILY

I must say I was very impressed with the selection this year. I even wound up purchasing a couple of pieces for myself.

RICHARD

Yes, how nice to have yet another chair you can't sit in.

EMILY

It's one hundred years old.

RICHARD

Wonderful. We can put it next to the two-hundred-year-old footstool you can't put your foot on.

EMILY

Oh, Richard, please.

RICHARD

I'm only teasing, Emily. It is one of the great pleasures of my life to be able to surround you with a house full of useless objects. No, I'm never happier than when we're standing in the corner staring at our furniture.

EMILY

Eat your pork, please.

RORY

You know, I believe there was something at the auction that Mom wanted but she didn't get. Isn't that right, Mom?

EMILY

Oh really? What was that?

LORELAI

I think it was a steamer trunk for Rory to take with her to military school, wasn't it, honey?

EMILY

I don't remember a steamer trunk, but I can check on it for you if you like.

LORELAI

That's not necessary, Mom. Uh, so, Mom, it was a very nice bunch of people you had at that auction.

EMILY

Yes, very nice.

LORELAI

I was surprised at how many young people were there. I mean, you know, younger people. Um, in fact, uh, like, for instance, this guy that I talked to for quite awhile, he was... younger.

EMILY

What man was that?

LORELAI

Oh, I didn't get his name, but he was a nice looking guy. He had a gray suit and he was paddle number seventeen. He likes Merlot.

EMILY

Are you talking about Peyton Sanders?

LORELAI

Oh, I don't know, maybe.

EMILY

Wait one second, I'll look it up.

LORELAI

Oh, no no no, Mom, you don't have to ... she's looking it up.

EMILY

Paddle number seventeen, Peyton Sanders.

LORELAI

Oh great, oh, Peyton Sanders. Well, that's great that it's Peyton Sanders... 'cause that's, uh, great. How well do you know this Peyton Sanders?

EMILY

Why?

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Why do you wanna know how well I know Peyton Sanders?

LORELAI

I don't wanna know. I was just mentioning that he was, you know, seemed... uh, you know...

EMILY

Young.

LORELAI

Yes, young. Okay, Mom, uh, Peyton and I kind of hit it off and I wondered if you possibly had his number... okay, there, I said it. Pass the flavorless pork.

EMILY

You're asking me for his number?

LORELAI

If it's not a big deal, then yes.

EMILY

Well, well, well. Richard, Lorelai's asking me for a man's number.

RICHARD

So I heard.

LORELAI

But if it's a big deal, forget it.

EMILY

It's not a big deal at all. I don't have his number.

LORELAI

Okay, then, never mind.

EMILY

I can get his number. Would you like me to get his number?

LORELAI

Um, it's up to you.

EMILY

It can't be up to me. I didn't ask for his number, you asked for his number, therefore it has to be up to you as to whether or not I get his number.

LORELAI

Okay, Mom.

EMILY

Would you like me to get his number?

LORELAI

Yes, if you don't mind.

EMILY

I don't mind at all.

LORELAI

Thank you.

EMILY

You're welcome.

LORELAI

I wasn't kidding about that military school.

LORELAI

Okay, the clock is right! If we hurry, we still have time to hit Luke's for breakfast. What'd I forget?

RORY

[rushing into the living room] Pants.

LORELAI

Uh! Ooh, don't do that. Come on, let's go!

RORY

I can't.

LORELAI

You can't have breakfast? You have to have breakfast.

RORY

The clock is wrong, I'll miss my bus.

LORELAI

Forget your bus, I'll drive you to school.

RORY

You will?

LORELAI

Yes. Oh shoot!

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Dwight's lawn.

RORY

Aw, there goes the breakfast sandwich.

LORELAI

No, no, let's hurry, we can still do Luke's.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Let's go!

RORY

Agh, my shoes!

LORELAI

You don't need shoes! In my day, we walked twenty miles in the snow just to get to our shoes!

RORY

Aw, come on.

LORELAI

Okay, come on, sprinkle. [turns on the sprinkler] There, drink up boys, we've got a breakfast to get to.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

I think this is for you.

LORELAI

Lorelai? No, it must be someone else. Hey, don't read that. Do not read that. I'm telling you, no good can come from you reading that.

RORY

'Dear Lorelai... '

LORELAI

And she's reading it.

RORY

'Just a couple of things that came to mind after we talked.'

LORELAI

Oh great.

RORY

'First of all, thank you for this very kind favor you're doing me. I still can't believe that any one person would be so kind to someone they just met.'

LORELAI

Yeah, apparently Dwight's last home was Oz, and not as in 'The Wizard Of.'

RORY

'Second, since you are already coming over to take care of my lawn, I was hoping you wouldn't mind stopping inside and watering my African violets. I have written the directions on a separate piece of paper, there's a key in the planter by the door. Please go in, make yourself at home. I have food in the fridge, satellite TV, and a great collection of board games. My oasis is your oasis.'

LORELAI

I'm not going in that house. Rory, do not pick up that key.

RORY

But we have to water the violets.

LORELAI

No, I didn't agree to violets. He threw the violets in after he'd already rooked me into watering his lawn.

RORY

Don't you at least wanna see what his house looks like?

LORELAI

Absolutely not. Key, please. Let me just say, if we walk in there and his dead mother is sitting in a rocking chair, not a bit surprised.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, Dwight.

RORY

This place is great.

LORELAI

Someone took the whole lounge craze very seriously.

RORY

Oh my.

LORELAI

Oh geez, he wasn't kidding.

RORY

I have never seen this many board games. He's got Monopoly from every country in the world.

LORELAI

Hey, when you finally meet him?

RORY

Yeah?

LORELAI

Remember he owns Twister – there's a great visual awaiting you.

RORY

Got it. Hey, how come we don't have a tiki bar?

LORELAI

Well, we are not two wild and crazy guys.

RORY

You like pina coladas.

LORELAI

And getting lost in the rain.

RORY

I love it here.

LORELAI

It's quite a statement, I'll give him that.

RORY

Hey, African violets.

LORELAI

Oh yeah, right. [cell phone rings] Just a sec. [answers phone] Hello?... Hi Peyton, thanks for calling me back... Well, I hope it was a good surprise. [whispers to Rory] It was a good surprise.

RORY

Yay.

LORELAI

[on phone] You just flew back on your jet, huh? ... From Maui? Sounds great... Yes, I would love to get together with you... Um, I'm pretty flexible next week. What'd you have in mind? ... David Bowie?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I love David Bowie, I would love to go... Oh, well, yeah, it is a ways away, but... No, I think that sounds just crazy enough.

RORY

What sounds crazy enough?

LORELAI

Well, that sounds great, Peyton. It's a plan... I'll see you then, okay, bye. [hangs up] We're having dinner tomorrow.

RORY

What were you saying about David Bowie?

LORELAI

Well, first, he asked me to the David Bowie concert next week.

RORY

You're so lucky!

LORELAI

I know! And once that was set, he said that a week was an awfully long time to wait.

RORY

He did not.

LORELAI

So we're having dinner tomorrow.

RORY

And Bowie next week.

LORELAI

And Bowie next week.

RORY

Two dates in one phone call. Talk about not wasting any time.

LORELAI

He sounds very cool, and not just 'cause he owns his own jet.

RORY

Well, remember to tell him that the way to get to you is through your daughter, who desperately wants to go to Amsterdam.

LORELAI

I will remember.

RORY

I think this place is lucky.

LORELAI

I think you may be right. Of course, creepy's the other word that comes to mind.

LORELAI

[from inside the closet] The red skirt is not working.

RORY

Try the blue.

LORELAI

Blue let me down ten minutes ago, I think it's conspiring with the red.

RORY

I wish you'd just wear the dress we picked out this morning.

LORELAI

No, you know as well as I do, the morning butt and evening butt are two completely different butts.

RORY

Well, whatever butt you've got tonight had better hurry because he's gonna be here any minute.

LORELAI

Rats. Fine, okay, striped skirt, burgundy sweater, that's it. [walks out of closet] What do you think? And remember, I'm wearing this no matter what because I cannot spend one more second deciding what to wear, so the answer has to be, 'You look fantastic.'

RORY

You look fantastic.

LORELAI

[grabs a shirt from the bed] Pink and black.

RORY

With a flippy skirt.

LORELAI

Grab a necklace?

LORELAI

Um, okay, here is my concern.

RORY

Voice it.

LORELAI

Well, you know, I only saw this guy once for like ten minutes and the lighting was only so-so and I hadn't eaten anything, and, like, what if I'm remembering him a lot cuter than he was?

RORY

I'm sure you're not.

LORELAI

Yeah, but what if I am? You know how these things are. You get bored, you need a diversion, so you superimpose a really cute guy's face over a really scary looking guy.

RORY

Well, then you'll just have to strike up a conversation with him and find out what kind of a man he is beneath the surface.

LORELAI

What? On the first date – what will he think of me?

RORY

Just order an extra dessert.

LORELAI

Okay, fine. Well?

RORY

I like the brown.

LORELAI

Come here a sec, you've got some dirt on your forehead. I'm sorry, it's just the sign of the devil, my mistake.

RORY

You look beautiful.

LORELAI

Thank you. [they hear a car pull up] I think that's him. [they look out the window] Well, the car sure is pretty.

RORY

Come on.

LORELAI

Okay now, if for some reason, he does turn out to have like a horn in the middle of his forehead, you will call me in one hour with a very high fever.

RORY

Deal.

LORELAI

God, I'm nervous. Why am I nervous?

RORY

Because you're crazy.

LORELAI

Yes, good, thank you.

PEYTON

Hi.

LORELAI

[to Rory] You're feeling just fine. [to Peyton] Hey Peyton.

PEYTON

Am I early?

LORELAI

No, you're right on time. Peyton, I want you to meet my daughter, Rory.

PEYTON

It's a pleasure, Rory.

RORY

Hi.

LORELAI

Okay, so, don't wait up and remember only two or three crackheads at the most, they eat all the good cereal.

RORY

Deal. Have fun.

PEYTON

It was nice meeting you, Rory. [to Lorelai] You look wonderful.

LORELAI

Oh, so do you Peyton. So do you.

LORELAI

You up?

RORY

What time is it?

LORELAI

10:15.

RORY

Oops.

LORELAI

Yup.

RORY

What happened? He was hornless.

LORELAI

No, he had no horns, he also had no personality.

RORY

Yikes.

LORELAI

And no sense of humor.

RORY

Gross.

LORELAI

And no idea how boring he was.

RORY

I'm sorry.

LORELAI

That's okay. The evening started well enough – that is, until we got to the car... a Jaguar XJ8 convertible with a 290 horsepower engine, in case you were wondering. You weren't? Funny, neither was I. However, he told me anyhow. He told me a lot of other things about the car, also. Like, did you know how many inches the pistons are? I do! I also know the correct oil to use for it, how to treat the leather interior, and how to load it onto a flatbed truck in case of a flat tire.

RORY

Geez, did he talk about anything else but the car?

LORELAI

Not until we got to the restaurant ... and the wine list.

RORY

Oh no, he's a wine-y?

LORELAI

Yes, he sniffed, swirled, swished, and did every other pretentious and borderline-disgusting thing that you can do with a glass of wine in a public place, and he did it all while describing to me the vintage discrepancies and the wood they use for the barrels in Palermo and the grape crop projections for the following year. And I, in turn, chimed in with my story about getting sick on Andre Cold Duck in the back of Peter Cutler's car in ninth grade. He didn't find that quite as charming.

RORY

I can't believe that. That is one of your best anecdotes.

LORELAI

I know! So I stopped talking. He continued talking and I just sat there thinking about Peter Cutler. How was Peter Cutler? Where was Peter Cutler? Was there any chance that Peter Cutler would appear and kill the man sitting across from me talking about torque?

RORY

Was the food good at least?

LORELAI

Tiny portions, weird sauces.

RORY

I'm sorry.

LORELAI

That's okay. You don't know until you try, right? Anyhow, I am going to go to bed now and dream of Peter Cutler. Hopefully, it will be dirty.

RORY

What about Bowie?

LORELAI

Unh uh! I'm not sharing Peter Cutler with Bowie.

RORY

Are you still going?

LORELAI

No. There's no way I could stand this guy for another night. I'll catch Bowie the next time he does a farewell tour.

RORY

Bummer.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

Night Mom.

LORELAI

Night babe. Oh, and hey, tomorrow, I'll fill you in on how many hours you have to clock to get your pilot's license.

RORY

I cannot wait.

LORELAI

Well, the quilting convention is sitting down to tea.

MICHEL

Uh, I'm doing internal cartwheels.

LORELAI

Any messages?

MICHEL

Your mother called. The auction people dropped the lamp that we bought at her place and dropped hers off here and she's desperate to have it for some soiree at her house this evening.

LORELAI

Oh, swell. Well, I guess I can take it to her when I do my other errands. I can pick up Rory, too. [picks up a bowl] This is cool.

MICHEL

Yes, it was a personal purchase.

LORELAI

I want it, what is it?

MICHEL

An eighteenth century bleeding bowl.

LORELAI

A bleeding bowl?

MICHEL

When doctors bled patients, the blood had to go somewhere, no?

LORELAI

Okay – return lamp, pick up Rory, boil right hand.

LORELAI

Hey Mom, I think this is yours.

EMILY

Ah! Yes, it is. And I believe this is yours.

LORELAI

Yes, it is.

EMILY

That auction house is usually so good with deliveries. I'm surprised at the mix up.

LORELAI

Oh, well, Gilmore and Gilmore – there's kind of a connection there.

EMILY

Yes, I suppose there is.

LORELAI

Okay, well, I have to pick up Rory in a little while, so we'll see you Friday.

EMILY

Would you like to sit down, maybe have some coffee?

LORELAI

Oh, I don't wanna leave her standing there.

EMILY

Well, Rory doesn't get out for another half an hour. You've got a little time.

LORELAI

Okay, I guess I can stay a minute.

EMILY

Wonderful. I'll get you a stopwatch so you can keep exact time.

LORELAI

Uh, that won't be necessary, Mom.

EMILY

So, how is everything?

LORELAI

Everything's fine.

EMILY

And how's everything with Rory?

LORELAI

Everything with Rory's fine.

EMILY

And how's everything at the inn?

LORELAI

Everything at the inn is fine.

EMILY

And how was your date?

LORELAI

My what?

EMILY

Your date with Peyton.

LORELAI

Well, my date was, shockingly enough, fine. How did you know about his date?

EMILY

His mother told me.

LORELAI

You know his mother?

EMILY

A little.

LORELAI

Oh good.

EMILY

So, tell me, what did you do?

LORELAI

When?

EMILY

On your date.

LORELAI

Oh, well, we just went to dinner, that's all.

EMILY

I heard you went driving around afterward.

LORELAI

Well, sure, uh, you know, we drove in the direction of my house. I guess you could call that driving around.

EMILY

I heard Peyton had a lovely time.

LORELAI

Did he? Well, that's nice, I'm glad. I should really get going, Mom.

EMILY

Oh, you have a little more time. I wanna hear more about your date.

LORELAI

Well, it was just a date, you know, nothing special. Two people eating and talking – one person talking slightly more than the other.

EMILY

Had he called you since?

LORELAI

No, but –

EMILY

Oh, well, it was only last night, there's time. I just think this is so exciting.

LORELAI

You know what, Mom, I wouldn't get too excited if I were you.

EMILY

Why not?

LORELAI

Well, because we didn't really hit it off that well.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

No one's fault, he's just not really my type.

EMILY

What do you mean he's not your type?

LORELAI

Well, we just don't have any of the same interests, and we didn't find a whole lot to talk about. You know, basically the date was kind of a dud.

EMILY

Oh, well, that's too bad.

LORELAI

Yeah.

EMILY

Well, you'll just have to try a little harder on the next date.

LORELAI

Excuse me?

EMILY

Aren't you going to a concert together next week?

LORELAI

Ah, that Peyton's a real Mama's boy, isn't he?

EMILY

Just because he shares his life with his mother doesn't make him a Mama's boy, Lorelai.

LORELAI

I'm not gonna go to the concert with him, Mom.

EMILY

But I thought you had a plan.

LORELAI

We did, but that was before we spent any time together and realized we can't spend any time together.

EMILY

You're not gonna cancel on him.

LORELAI

Mom, believe me, he won't be surprised. He didn't have that great a time either.

EMILY

Lorelai, you have to go to the concert. You made a commitment to someone, you have to honor it.

LORELAI

Mom, this is my business, okay?

EMILY

Ugh, this is so like you.

LORELAI

What is so like me?

EMILY

You spend five seconds with a person and if they say one wrong thing, you turn on them and never give them a second chance.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

You are extremely judgmental, Lorelai.

LORELAI

I'm not extremely judgmental of the pot calling the kettle black. I spent two and a half hours with a man who talked about nothing but himself, his place, his car...

EMILY

He's proud of his accomplishments. What's wrong with that?

LORELAI

He didn't end world hunger, Mom. He simply made the grueling decision to spring for the bigger tires.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Mom, you know what, I have to go.

EMILY

We're not finished discussing this.

LORELAI

There's nothing to discuss. Rory's waiting. I'll see you Friday.

LORELAI

Ooh, I got you a present.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

In my purse.

RORY

Cardio Salsa.

LORELAI

Yeah, they play the Miami Sound Machine and you dance around, you get a really great workout.

RORY

Why would you buy me this?

LORELAI

Because I'll feel stupid doing in alone.

RORY

Too bad.

LORELAI

Come on.

RORY

No way.

LORELAI

Salsa with me. Pretend I'm Antonio Banderas.

RORY

If you were standing in back of Antonio Banderas, I couldn't pretend that you were Antonio Banderas.

LORELAI

Don't you want your mother to live a long and healthy life?

RORY

Not if I have to do Cardio Salsa.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Nice knowing you, senora. Adios.

LORELAI

I would salsa for you.

RORY

Well, luckily, you'll never have to.

LORELAI

[answers phone] Hello... oh, Dwight, hi, it's nice to hear from you, too... yeah, hey, how did you get my cell phone number? ... oh, yeah, gotta love that Babette, huh? ... oh, the lawn's fine... okay... okay... sure, Dwight, you have a safe trip... yeah, bye. [hangs up] It seems that Dwight has been checking the weather reports and Stars Hollow is going to be extra sunny for the next few days, so he was wondering if instead of watering the lawn twice a day for fifteen minutes, we could water it three times a day for ten minutes.

RORY

He should really get a dog.

LORELAI

Only if that dog doesn't mind using the bathroom at the gas station 'cause that lawn is definitely off limits.

RORY

True.

LORELAI

So, I have to get back to the inn... could you, um, water for me?

RORY

It was your idea to do it.

LORELAI

I can't, I have a China shipment coming in.

RORY

Do it tonight.

LORELAI

Dwight says it needs it now, and if we let that lawn die, he's gonna vibe us for the rest of our lives.

RORY

Not me, I'm going off to college next year.

LORELAI

You'll be home for holidays.

RORY

Maybe not now.

LORELAI

You would stay away from me on holidays just because of Dwight?

RORY

Hey, nobody wants vibing on the holidays.

LORELAI

Rory, please? I'm gonna be seriously late if I have to go all the way home.

RORY

Fine.

LORELAI

Thank you. You're my favorite daughter.

RORY

You say that to all your daughters.

LORELAI

Yes, I do, but I only mean it with you.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Bye.

LORELAI

Oh, Dwight, please, you are on a business trip – get a hooker. [answers phone] Hello?

RICHARD

Lorelai, good, I'm glad I got you. I just wanted you to know that I am playing golf with Peyton's father Brennan on Sunday.

LORELAI

Okay. [pause] Wear sunscreen.

RICHARD

I will call you afterward and we can evaluate how to proceed from there.

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

RICHARD

Well, I'm not sure how much damage has been done so I need some time with the man to assess whether or not a simple apology will work.

LORELAI

Apology from who?

RICHARD

From you.

LORELAI

For what?

RICHARD

For the way you treated Peyton.

LORELAI

Are you serious?

RICHARD

Of course I'm serious.

LORELAI

Dad, this is none of your business.

RICHARD

It certainly is my business.

LORELAI

No, who I date or do not date is absolutely none of your business.

RICHARD

Peyton's mother is in the DAR with your mother.

LORELAI

I know that.

RICHARD

She's also on the Opera Committee with your mother, the hospital board with your mother, the horticultural society with your mother.

LORELAI

I get it, they hang, what's the point?

RICHARD

This woman is a very important person in our social circle. She may have taken what you did the wrong way, which could affect her relationship with your mother.

LORELAI

Dad, all I did was not go on a second date with her fully grown son. There's no way she's gonna be mad at Mom for that.

RICHARD

Lorelai, you obviously do not understand the way things work in your mother's world. There is a certain protocol that must be followed, social rules that dictate proper behavior, and these rules must be very strictly adhered to.

LORELAI

Dad, I'm not going out with Peyton again, period.

RICHARD

Lorelai, let me tell you a little story. Now, two years ago, Sally Wallington's check for the winter formal bounced.

LORELAI

So?

RICHARD

It took her two weeks to replace the check.

LORELAI

So?

RICHARD

When Sally attended the next DAR meeting, she was served the last cup of tea.

LORELAI

Soooo?

RICHARD

Before this unfortunate incident, Sally Wallington always received the first cup of tea. When she was suddenly demoted, your mother moved up to the prime tea spot, and she's held that spot ever since. Now, she's very proud of that spot, and now she's afraid that this little incident may jeopardize it.

LORELAI

Dad, I explained this to Mom and I'll explain it to you. I'm not sixteen, I don't live with you anymore, I've been making my own decisions, romantic and otherwise, for a long time now and you can play all the golf you want but the subject better be letting chicks into the Augusta Golf Club because my love life is officially off limits.

RICHARD

Didn't you hear what I just said?

LORELAI

About the tea? Yes, I heard it, and I'm sorry, but it sounds insane.

RICHARD

Of course it sounds insane! It is insane, that is not the point.

LORELAI

Okay, then what's the point?

RICHARD

The point is your mother is upset, and I don't want her to be upset. Now, you may not understand her world, I may not understand her world, but it is her world, and in her world it is very, very important that she have the first cup of tea. And I don't care about your independence or what you told your mother or anything else you have to say – if my wife wants the first cup of tea, she's going to have the first cup of tea, that's it! Now, I will call you after I play golf. [hangs up]

DWIGHT

[on answering machine] Hey, it's Dwight, leave a message, I'm listening.

WOMAN

[on answering machine] Dwight, hi it's Doris. Doris, your wife, remember me? The woman who was asleep in bed when you snuck out the window like a spineless little worm! How dare you sneak out like that, you sniveling little pond scum sample! I should call Erin Brockovich to bring a lawsuit against your parents, you steaming lump of toxic waste! You really thought you could get away from me? From me? I would've found you sooner if I had bothered to look, but now I have, I found you, and all I can say is this – I want my board games back! I want them back and I want them back now! And I will hunt you down to the ends of the Earth until I get them back – especially the Trivial Pursuit!

RORY

Whoa! Agh! [she tries to turn them off] Whoa, gross! [she gives up and pulls out her text pager] Dean, please have your pager with you, please, come on. Dean, come on! Damn you and your Unabomber tendencies! Aw man! [runs away from the house]

JESS

Whoa, whoa, slow down.

RORY

Get out of my way.

JESS

I like the new look. It's very Blue Crush.

RORY

Hilarious.

JESS

What's the matter?

RORY

Nothing.

JESS

You're walking pretty fast for nothing.

RORY

Well, our president said exercise and I am very patriotic.

JESS

And completely soaked.

RORY

Where is everyone?

JESS

Who are you looking for?

RORY

No one.

JESS

Rory, stop. What's the matter – other than the fact that you're obviously out of towels.

RORY

This guy moved in across the way from us and we said we'd water his lawn and the grass can only be watered in ten minute increments, otherwise the lawn drowns, and the thing is stuck and it won't turn off and I have to find someone, Luke or Taylor or ... [Jess starts walking away] Where are you going? Jess!

RORY

You don't have to do this. I didn't ask you to do this. I can just find someone else to do it. [Jess turns off the sprinkler] Aw, you made it look so easy.

JESS

Yeah, it was loose. You just had to press down and give it a good twist, that's all.

RORY

Well, thank you.

JESS

You're welcome. So things are good?

RORY

Oh, yeah, really good.

JESS

School?

RORY

Good.

JESS

Still gonna do the Harvard thing?

RORY

Yeah.

JESS

Good.

RORY

Yeah, good. So... [pager goes off] My pager.

JESS

Yeah, I figured.

JESS

Who is it?

RORY

It's, uh, Dean. I paged him earlier to come over and help me and he just got the message, so he's...

JESS

Coming over to help.

RORY

Yeah.

JESS

Okay.

LORELAI

Hi Mom.

EMILY

Hello Lorelai.

RORY

Hi Grandma.

EMILY

Hello Rory. That's a pretty sweater.

RORY

Thank you.

EMILY

I do love you in blue, you should wear blue more often. Buy her more blue, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Oh, I'll get right on it. So, I brought you something Mom.

EMILY

Oh really? Soda, Rory?

RORY

Yes, please.

LORELAI

Um, these are some pictures from Sookie's wedding. There's a great one of you and Dad dancing. I put 'em in an album for you.

EMILY

Well, that's very nice, thank you.

LORELAI

You wanna see?

EMILY

I'm making drinks right now, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Right, later it is.

EMILY

[hands Rory a glass] Here you go. [hands Lorelai a glass] Here.

LORELAI

Oh, guess I'm having wine.

EMILY

You didn't want wine?

LORELAI

Wine's fine.

EMILY

Give it back, I'll get you something else.

LORELAI

No, I'm good with wine, Mom.

EMILY

I can make you a martini, would you like a martini?

LORELAI

No, I just – you usually ask me what I want, and tonight you didn't ask me what I wanted so I didn't have a chance to tell you how much I would love some wine.

EMILY

I bought some cheese to have before dinner.

RORY

Great, we love cheese.

LORELAI

It goes great with wine.

EMILY

I will be right back. [leaves room]

LORELAI

Boy, it's cold in here.

RORY

It's a lot colder where you're sitting.

LORELAI

Ugh. She's mad at me.

RORY

Yup.

LORELAI

Think she's gonna be mad at me all night?

RORY

Yup.

LORELAI

I guess I should go in there and talk to her.

RORY

Yup.

LORELAI

You wouldn't wanna go in there and talk to her for me?

RORY

Nope.

LORELAI

Good thing you don't get paid by the word.

RORY

The sooner you get in there, the sooner you get cheese.

LORELAI

Fine.

LORELAI

Need some help?

EMILY

No, I'm fine, thank you.

LORELAI

Mom, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

EMILY

Sorry for what?

LORELAI

Sorry about the whole Peyton thing. When I asked you for his number, I didn't think...

EMILY

Think about what?

LORELAI

Think about what would happen if things didn't work out with us. I mean, I know his mom is your friend, and I shouldn't have even gotten mixed up in this whole thing if I wasn't prepared to remember that what I do will affect you, and to me it's just a Bowie concert, but to you, it's not. I was a little thoughtless and I'm sorry, but you have to understand that I was not lying when I said we had a bad time. We had a really, really, really, really, really bad time. I swear, it was one of the worst times I've ever had, it was awful. Do you remember skiing with the Danners and their Dobermans?

EMILY

Oh, God, yes.

LORELAI

This was worse. And, by the way, not just for me – it was pretty bad for him, too. It wasn't like he was in love and I was miserable. We were both in pain – deep pain, Marathon Man kind of pain. But despite all of this horrible pain that we were both in, and would be in again if we had to spend one more second together, if you really want me to, I will go to the Bowie concert with him.

EMILY

Well, your saying that means a lot.

LORELAI

Hm.

EMILY

Thank you, Lorelai. Borrow Rory's sweater when you go. [leaves room]

LORELAI

[sings] Ground control to Major Tom...