T3E6: “Take the Deviled Eggs…”

RORY

Morning.

LORELAI

Morning.

RORY

Wow, someone woke up in project mode today.

LORELAI

I'm like the army, baby. I get more done before nine o'clock in the morning than others get done all day.

RORY

Well, as long as you don't abandon it mid-project.

LORELAI

I do not do that.

RORY

Make your own seashell candles.

LORELAI

Aw, not fair.

RORY

The place smelled like melted crayons for three weeks.

LORELAI

This is different.

RORY

Fine, what's the project?

LORELAI

This is a pile of every catalog we have received for the last three months.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

I have gathered them all together, and I will now proceed to call all the companies that are sending us duplicates and tell them to stop.

RORY

That's very environmental of you.

LORELAI

It's getting ridiculous. We get, like, eight of some of these.

RORY

You're kidding.

LORELAI

Check this out. [picks up a stack of catalogs] This is a stack of identical catalogs mailed to Lorelai Gilmore, Rory Gilmore, Lorelai Rory Gilmore, Lorelai V. Gilmore, Lorelai Victoria Gilmore, Lorelai Gilmo, Lorelai Gil, and Squeegy Beckinheim.

RORY

How'd that get in there?

LORELAI

I once told a store my name was Squeegy Beckinheim just to see how many catalogs they would sell my name to, and apparently my name is to catalog companies what Brooke Shields' picture is to Chinese restaurants.

RORY

How many?

LORELAI

Ten.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

Including one we were already getting seven catalogs from.

RORY

So apparently you made the problem worse.

LORELAI

Unintentionally.

RORY

This one is addressed to Tookie Clothespin.

LORELAI

Oh, I forgot my code name at the second store I tested, so I told 'em it was Tookie Clothespin.

RORY

Which means we get even more catalogs.

LORELAI

Again, it was unintentional.

RORY

When you start a forest fire unintentionally, it's still your fault.

LORELAI

You're putting calling myself Squeegy Beckinheim and Tookie Clothespin on a level with starting a forest fire?

RORY

It's killing trees.

LORELAI

You're depressing me now.

RORY

Well, get on the phone and stop the madness. That'll cheer you up.

LORELAI

I need coffee.

RORY

There's more coffee.

LORELAI

I should get ready, too.

RORY

You're stopping mid-project.

LORELAI

I'm bored.

RORY

Then don't start these projects.

LORELAI

I promise I'll finish. I just wanna check on the seashells.

RORY

These catalogs will be sitting here forever.

LORELAI

No, they won't. They're biodegradable.

RORY

Come on, I'll call half, you call half, okay?

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

You do yours first, then I'll do mine.

RORY

Hey!

LORELAI

We only have one phone. You're young. You'll dial faster. [leaves room]

RORY

Squeegy!

TAYLOR

The bottom line is that too many birds are landing atop the street lights and relieving themselves on helpless passersby. And I dare say that some of these birds seem to be doing it on purpose.

BABETTE

You get dumped on, Taylor?

TAYLOR

It's not just me...

LUKE

Hey, if anybody has a picture of Taylor getting dumped on, I'll pay top dollar.

KIRK

I'll check the internet.

MISS PATTY

Taylor, all animals have to... you know. How are you gonna stop birds from doing that?

TAYLOR

Easy. Put sharp metal spikes on the top of the fixtures, then when they land, pow – they're shish-kabobs.

RORY

That's cruel.

BABETTE

You can't do that.

ANDREW

I'd rather have bird crap fall on my head.

LORELAI

There it is – our new town slogan.

RORY

I like it.

LORELAI

I see coffee mugs, T-shirts.

RORY

Don't forget stuffed shish-kabobbed birds.

LORELAI

That moan when you squeeze 'em.

JESUS

Excuse me.

TAYLOR

May I help you, sir?

JESUS

Yes, I was looking for... ah, there she is... uh, Patricia.

LORELAI

Patricia... well, well, well.

EVERYONE

Woooooooo!

MISS PATTY

Now stop it.

JESUS

Are you ready?

MISS PATTY

I'm right in the middle of something, Jesus, but I'll be right out. Patience.

JESUS

Okay. [walks out]

TAYLOR

Now, as we were saying...

BABETTE

Who's the fox, Patty?

TAYLOR

Excuse me.

MISS PATTY

I met him at a funeral. Great guy, good dancer, Latin...

EVERYONE

Wooooooo!

TAYLOR

People, order please.

LORELAI

He better treat you right, this guy.

BABETTE

Yeah, how well do you know him?

MISS PATTY

Well, I just met him.

KIRK

I could look him up on the internet.

TAYLOR

People, please! Now, due to the lack of response, we'll hold off on the bird spikes.

LUKE

Good.

LORELAI

Let Miss Patty's date begin.

BABETTE

It's a digital. I want a full visual account.

TAYLOR

Hold it. There's one more issue that must be addressed before we can adjourn. All right. Now, that weird, taciturn fellow who's always walking around with his backpack has put in an absurd request to stage a protest in the town square.

LORELAI

The town loner?

LUKE

That guy still lives around here?

BABETTE

Somewhere in the hills, right?

LUKE

I thought he was long gone.

ANDREW

No, he came into the bookstore a couple times last month, never said a word.

MISS PATTY

He's a bit creepy.

TAYLOR

Very creepy.

LORELAI

But he's our Boo Radley, and we don't have a Boo Radley, unless you count the troubadour or Pete the pizza guy or the guy who talks to mailboxes.

RORY

Well, I think the point is that every town needs as many Boo Radleys as they can get.

LORELAI

Yes, that's my point.

MISS PATTY

What's he protesting, Taylor?

TAYLOR

Well, that's not indicated here, but it doesn't matter, because protesting is not allowed in the town square, period. It's un-American.

LUKE

You mean like the Revolutionary War?

BABETTE

And Rosa Parks?

TAYLOR

That's different. They were against the British and buses. No one likes the British or buses.

MISS PATTY

Yes, dear, what is it?

JESUS

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I heard my name.

MISS PATTY

No, he said buses, dear, not Jesus.

JESUS

Sounded like Jesus. [leaves]

TAYLOR

Could this meeting be more disrupted?

LORELAI

I could do a soft shoe.

RORY

Yeah, while I pound out a beat on the bongos.

BABETTE

Ooh, that sounds like fun!

MISS PATTY

I got bongos in the back.

TAYLOR

Seeing as how our attention spans are gnat-like tonight, as town Selectman I am refusing the town loner's request to protest and I am adjourning this meeting.

LORELAI

She's all yours, Jesus!

LUKE

We got nothing of substance done in this meeting.

LORELAI

And the tradition stands.

LORELAI

Hey, what do you know about this town loner guy?

LUKE

Same as everyone. Just kind of skulks around with that backpack, never smiles.

LORELAI

Does he also make cheeseburgers and secretly harbor a desire to wear a backwards baseball cap?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

[sings] They're cousins, identical cousins...

LUKE

Stop it.

LORELAI

Well... look who's back behind the wheel. Lovely.

RORY

Mom, I'm gonna get going. I've got some studying to do.

LORELAI

Okay, babe. I'll catch up with you.

LORELAI

When did Jess get a car?

LUKE

Oh, uh... recently.

LORELAI

Where'd he get it?

LUKE

He got it from a guy around here, at a place.

LORELAI

A guy at a place?

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

You had no idea he had a car, did you?

LUKE

Not in the least.

LORELAI

Ah, way to have a handle on things, Luke.

LUKE

Well, he doesn't share a lot with me, you know? And he's got a license. What can I do?

LORELAI

Stop him before he kills.

LUKE

He's not gonna kill anyone.

LORELAI

He's got a bad track record with cars.

LUKE

Yeah, I know, okay? I'm not exactly thrilled with this.

LORELAI

Okay. I'm sorry. It's your thing. I'll just butt out now.

LUKE

Where'd he get the money?

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

For the car. Where'd he get it?

LORELAI

I don't know. Working at the diner?

LUKE

I can barely afford a car on the money I get working at the diner.

LORELAI

Maybe it was a gift from someone... who doesn't know it's gone yet.

LUKE

Thanks.

LORELAI

I'm helpful, aren't I?

LUKE

Bye.

LORELAI

Bye.

LUKE

Hey.

JESS

Hey.

LUKE

So... you got a car.

JESS

Motor Trend's not gonna be giving it any awards, but it'll get me from point A to point B.

LUKE

Yeah, I guess it'll get you around. So, uh... where'd you get the money for it?

JESS

Mugged an old lady.

LUKE

Jess.

JESS

It didn't cost that much.

LUKE

What's not much?

JESS

Less than a lot?

LUKE

Jess, where did you get the money?

JESS

You know that hash you sling at the diner? I scrape it off the plates in the back. Remember I work for you?

LUKE

Yeah, I know you do.

JESS

Okay, then.

LUKE

I also know I don't pay you enough to buy the car.

JESS

I saved up my pennies and I bought the car from Gypsy. She gave me a good deal. That's how I got the car.

LUKE

Okay, so you bought a car. Now, the price of the car is just one small thing. It's just the beginning.

JESS

Oh, yeah?

LUKE

Did you take the additional expenses into account?

JESS

Like...

LUKE

Insurance?

JESS

I'm in good hands.

LUKE

Liability, uninsured motorist?

JESS

All the paperwork's in the glove compartment. Feel free to check it out.

LUKE

Money for gas?

JESS

You mean this didn't come with a never empty magical tank?

LUKE

Jess.

JESS

I factored that in.

LUKE

You're gonna have repairs.

JESS

Yeah, and I can fix most of 'em myself and save up for the rest. Plus, I'm gonna make sure to replace the oil every couple months.

LUKE

Right, I bet you didn't think of that, the oil. That costs money.

JESS

I'm the one that brought it up. You're the one that didn't think of it.

LUKE

No, but... I just...

JESS

Sign this. [hands him a piece of paper]

LUKE

The registration?

JESS

I'm still a minor.

LUKE

I don't have a pen.

LUKE

I guess it's okay that someone else's name is crossed out on it and that yours it written in.

JESS

Yup.

LUKE

Just checking. [signs it and hands it back]

JESS

Thanks. I'm glad we had this talk.

LUKE

Yeah, same here.

LORELAI

Hello!

RORY

I'm in here!

LORELAI

Wow, you beat me home by two minutes and your nose is already in the books.

RORY

I can go from zero to studying in less than sixty seconds.

LORELAI

Very impressive. Mail call. [hands Rory a piece of mail]

RORY

What's this?

LORELAI

Mortgage payment. You mind picking it up this month sweetie, baby, cookie, honey?

RORY

No, not at all.

LORELAI

It's just something addressed to you.

RORY

It's an invitation.

LORELAI

Hm.

RORY

[reads it] Oh.

LORELAI

An invitation to what? Oh, is it the White House again? Those boys never give up.

RORY

It's to Sherry's baby shower.

LORELAI

Who?

RORY

Sherry. Sherry Tinsdale. Dad's Sherry?

LORELAI

You're kidding.

RORY

It's at her and Dad's house on Sunday.

LORELAI

Wow, that is very weird. We haven't had contact with Christopher in months. She must know we're on the outs with him, right?

RORY

Yeah, but she may not know how on the outs.

LORELAI

Well, zero contact is maximum on the outs.

RORY

Yeah... although there may have been some.

LORELAI

Some what?

RORY

Some contact.

LORELAI

Oh... you've been in contact with Christopher?

RORY

Yeah, I'm sorry.

LORELAI

On, no, hon, don't apologize. You've always been totally free to talk to him whenever you want. I've told you that. I mean, he's your dad, right? So don't apologize.

RORY

Okay, I take the apology back.

LORELAI

I think it's good you've been talking to him. It is a little weird you didn't tell me, though.

RORY

Yeah, sorry.

LORELAI

Will you stop apologizing?

RORY

Even when I feel like I should apologize, I can't apologize?

LORELAI

Yeah, it's a little annoying.

RORY

Sorry.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

I'm just trying to lighten the mood here.

LORELAI

The mood is light. I just hate that you thought you had to hide something like that from me.

RORY

I just kind of felt like I was betraying you or something.

LORELAI

Well, you weren't.

RORY

I know that now.

LORELAI

So, how much contact have you had with him?

RORY

Not tons. He emailed me a month or so ago, I emailed him back, and now we occasionally talk on the phone.

LORELAI

Does he ever ask about me?

RORY

What answer will freak you out the least?

LORELAI

The honest one.

RORY

Yes, he asks about you because Dad will always care for you very much, you know that. Do you want me to say hello for you next time we talk?

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Fine. [holds up invitation] What should I do about this?

LORELAI

It's your call.

RORY

I guess being in Dad's world automatically means being in Sherry's.

LORELAI

And it is your little half brother or sister she's carrying.

RORY

I know, it's weird.

LORELAI

Sort of a good reason to make some connection with her.

RORY

Yeah, but it's gonna be one of those brunchy quichey things where I don't know anyone, and it's all the way in Boston.

LORELAI

I'll drive you there if you want.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Yeah, I'll do some Boston shopping while you quiche it.

RORY

And we can set up some sort of SOS signal that I can page you with if I want to bail early?

LORELAI

Sure.

RORY

What should the SOS signal be?

LORELAI

How about... SOS?

RORY

Perfect.

LORELAI

So you're going.

RORY

I guess I'm going.

LORELAI

Good, I think you've made the right decision.

RORY

So do I. And I shouldn't have hid that I'm talking to Dad. I'm really s–

LORELAI

Ah!

RORY

Starving.

LORELAI

I'll get some ice cream.

LUKE

You're up early.

JESS

I got a few errands to run.

LUKE

You got time before school?

JESS

I got wheels.

LUKE

Right, right, you got wheels. [Jess takes a donut from the display] Lid.

JESS

By the way, I owe you ten bucks.

LUKE

When did I loan you ten bucks?

JESS

Last night.

LUKE

I wasn't here last night.

JESS

You're always here, Uncle Luke – in my heart.

LUKE

You took money out of the register

JESS

I'm going to the bank now. You'll get it back today.

LUKE

I told you a hundred times, do not take money out of the register.

JESS

Gotta run.

LUKE

Lid.

LUKE

Oh, uh, what can I get you, Kirk?

KIRK

Patty melt and a coke.

LUKE

You want the melt cut into squares or stars today?

KIRK

Half and half?

LUKE

Okay, coming right up.

KIRK

Thanks. [looks out the window at Jess' car] Man, that car's a honey. Duel piston cams, diplex overdrive with maximum torque, sixteen liter side by side, firing three on one... sweet.

LUKE

Kirk, none of that makes any sense.

KIRK

What?

LUKE

I know a little about cars, that was all gibberish.

KIRK

Oh, well, would you mind not telling people about this? I've cultivated a reputation as sort of a car aficionado and in reality, all I have is a Jan and Dean record.

LUKE

I'll keep it to myself.

KIRK

I should probably listen to it again.

LUKE

Yeah, I would.

KIRK

Man, I wish my mom would let me have a car... or a bike... or my roller skates back.

GYPSY

You don't take care of it.

JACKSON

I take great care of it.

GYPSY

This truck doesn't like you.

JACKSON

Oh, is it talking to you now?

GYPSY

Your transmission's shot.

JACKSON

I shift up and down a lot.

GYPSY

Mr. Grind-it-'til-you-find-it, huh?

JACKSON

Just tell me what needs doing.

GYPSY

Be faster to say what doesn't need doing.

JACKSON

Whatever you want.

GYPSY

You ride your breaks. Bad for the truck, good for me. I like replacing brakes. Pays for the cable TV.

JACKSON

No problem. How 'bout I just make the check out directly to your cable company, would that be easier for you?

GYPSY

Yeah, thanks. And get some extra checks 'cause you're gonna be making one out to my milkman, too. Oh, and looky here, you just bought me a couch. [Luke walks up to them] Hey Luke.

LUKE

Hey Gypsy. I don't wanna interrupt.

JACKSON

No, please, interrupt. I need a little break from the gaiety. [walks away]

GYPSY

What can I do for you?

LUKE

Uh, well, uh, Jess came home with this car and it says on the slip that he bought it from you.

GYPSY

Yup, it's working great, if that's what you're wondering.

LUKE

No, I know that, it's just, uh... he paid you for it, right?

GYPSY

Nothing's free at Gypsy's.

LUKE

And he paid cash?

GYPSY

Mostly twenties.

LUKE

Did you make sure Andrew Jackson was on the bills, not Alfred E. Newman or someone?

GYPSY

Looked real to me.

LUKE

Well, when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out?

GYPSY

No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.

LUKE

Really?

GYPSY

No.

LUKE

Good.

GYPSY

Guys are stupid.

LUKE

What?

GYPSY

You strip your gears, you ride your breaks, and if we don't laugh after we make a joke, you think we're serious.

JACKSON

I don't ride my brakes!

LUKE

I just want to make sure it was on the up and up.

GYPSY

Hey, when people come in with cash, I don't ask where it comes from, do you?

LUKE

Nah, I guess I don't. Thanks.

GYPSY

Anytime.

GYPSY

Oh, goody, a trip to Florida!

TAYLOR

This is outrageous. The town unanimously refused to let that loner freak protest in the square. Why would the two of you consider allowing him to do it from the steps of your church?

REVEREND

The town didn't refuse him, Taylor – you did.

TAYLOR

So you're spearheading this revolt, Reverend?

RABBI

Reverend Skinner and I share the church for services, Taylor, so if there's gonna be a protest, it'll be a joint decision. Ugh, I can't even look at this mayonnaise.

REVEREND

I got it, David. [moves the mayonnaise bottle]

RABBI

Thanks, Archie.

TAYLOR

I could still ban it. I could get the town council together, find something on the books. I'm sure there's a way.

REVEREND

The church is exempt from your town statutes, Taylor.

RABBI

We answer to a higher authority... like the hot dog.

REVEREND

I laugh every time you say that.

RABBI

I know. Funny is funny.

TAYLOR

Well, I can guarantee that God does not want this either.

REVEREND

Did you hear that, David? Taylor Doose is in direct communication with God.

RABBI

Thirty years I'm working for God, I haven't received so much as a card.

REVEREND

Is it by phone that you speak with him, Taylor?

RABBI

Do you have a God phone, Taylor?

TAYLOR

Rabbi, please.

REVEREND

What's he like? For us common folk who've never met him?

RABBI

Is he short, is he tall?

REVEREND

Does he like to laugh?

RABBI

Is the whole shellfish thing really serious? Because, I gotta tell you, some of these Red Lobster commercials...

REVEREND

They look good, huh?

RABBI

Oh, with the melted butter? Oh my God.

TAYLOR

Can we stay serious for a minute here?

REVEREND

You're too uptight, Taylor.

RABBI

And no matter how much steam blows out of your ears, our decision will be final.

TAYLOR

So it's hardball, huh? Well, the council gave you special permission to run bingo out of that building. We could withdraw it.

RABBI

At your peril.

TAYLOR

Meaning?

RABBI

You're gonna tell my little old ladies, my bubbies, you're shutting down their bingo?

TAYLOR

I'm not afraid of your bubbies, Rabbi.

REVEREND

Oh, God, thank you for letting me be in the room when Taylor said that.

TAYLOR

Well, gentlemen, I would sincerely like to thank you for wasting my time.

REVEREND

Our pleasure, Taylor.

TAYLOR

I can't believe that you, Reverend Skinner, of all people, would do this to me after all the support I've given you over the years.

REVEREND

All the support? Taylor, you're a Sunday Protestant. You come in, you say 'Hi God', you sing a song, and you leave.

TAYLOR

I always leave a dollar!

REVEREND

For your singing voice, you should leave two.

TAYLOR

Well, fine, if you feel like that, maybe I will just stop showing up altogether. Maybe I'll convert to something else and give them my generous weekly donation.

REVEREND

Do you want him?

RABBI

Not after the whole bubbies thing.

REVEREND

Maybe the Shakers in Woodbury would take him.

RABBI

Yeah, he's already got the beard. Can you make furniture, Taylor?

TAYLOR

Goodbye gentlemen.

LUKE

How's it going?

CAESAR

Ah, pretty slow.

LUKE

Hey, is Jess upstairs?

CAESAR

I haven't seen him.

LUKE

Okay, thanks.

LUKE

Jess?

LUKE

[answers phone] Hello? ... Oh, hey Randy, what's up?... Well, someone's gotta take care of it, you know? It's not going to take care of itself... .I understand, I get it. What else?... Mmhmm...

RORY

So do you think I got a good gift?

LANE

It's foolproof.

RORY

It's not very original.

LANE

A new mother can't have too many baby blankets. Not with the insane amount of stuff constantly oozing out of a baby's every orifice.

RORY

Ew.

LANE

I just call it like I see it.

RORY

Well, call it less graphically.

LANE

The very concept of childbirth is vaguely disturbing.

RORY

Yeah. Kids are cool and all, but getting there seems like a big cosmic joke.

LANE

Definitely thought up by a man.

RORY

My mom said that when she told me where babies come from.

LANE

My mom still hasn't told me.

RORY

Really?

LANE

When my cousin got pregnant, she said it's because an angel brushed its wings against her face.

RORY

I could fill you in on the details sometime if you want.

LANE

No thanks, I've picked it up off the streets.

LANE

That's new.

RORY

Is it?

LANE

I've never seen it before, and I'm very into the minutia around here.

RORY

That's for sure.

LANE

Do you know whose it is?

RORY

Yup.

LANE

Whose?

RORY

Jess'.

LANE

Jess? Jess, the guy who wrecked your car? He's got a car now?

RORY

Mmhmm, looks that way.

LANE

That's outrageous! That's a travesty!

RORY

It's not that big a deal.

LANE

Oh, it's a humongous deal.

RORY

You're taking this very hard.

LANE

Because we're best friends, Rory. We're linked. I feel what you feel. Except for right now because you don't seem to be feeling anything and I'm incensed.

RORY

It's just a car. It's nothing to get excited about.

JESS

Hey.

RORY

Hey.

JESS

Hey Lane.

LANE

Hey back at ya, tough guy.

JESS

What?

RORY

Lane...

JESS

Something wrong?

RORY

No...

LANE

Yes! You have a car.

JESS

I know.

LANE

Don't give me lip!

JESS

Lip?

RORY

Lane...

LANE

How'd you get the car, Jess?

JESS

I bought it.

LANE

Really, I thought you might've built it from parts left over from cars you've totaled.

JESS

What is your problem?

LANE

Don't play dumb. You know what you did.

JESS

I gotta go.

LANE

Yes, drive on away, we'll just keep walking. That's all Rory's been able to do these past few months – lots of walking. She's got bunions because of you, mister!

JESS

Bunions?

RORY

I don't have bunions.

LANE

She's too nice to complain about her foot ailments.

JESS

Knock if off, Lane.

RORY

Just get in the car and go, Jess.

JESS

I didn't start this.

LANE

Well, you started it when you wrecked Rory's car.

JESS

Tell your friend to walk it off.

RORY

You walk it off.

JESS

I'm trying to drive off.

RORY

Then go.

JESS

Geez, how Andy Griffith is this town that people get so excited by a car?

RORY

It's not the car, it's who's got the car.

JESS

Okay, fine, you want it? Take it, I'm sick of this.

RORY

I don't want this piece of junk.

JESS

Right. I suppose Dean is already building you another car, something really snazzy.

RORY

Shut up and go.

JESS

Gladly.

RORY

Let's go.

LANE

Gladly.

RORY

[to Jess] Oh, and by the way, you left your bra in the back seat.

LORELAI

This must be the place.

RORY

I think the balloons confirm it.

LORELAI

No pink, no blue.

RORY

All green.

LORELAI

Aren't baby shower balloons supposed to reflect the sex of the baby? Blue for boys, pink for girls.

RORY

You would think.

LORELAI

What's green for, aliens?

RORY

I'll ask when I go in.

LORELAI

We're all set, right? Anytime you want out, just send up a flare.

RORY

I will.

LORELAI

Even if I'm half-naked in a changing room, I'll just grab everything and rush out.

RORY

You making a half-naked entrance would be funny.

SHERRY

Hi!

RORY

Whoa!

SHERRY

Oh, I'm sorry, I totally snuck up on you.

RORY

It's okay, hi.

SHERRY

Hi, Rory. Lorelai, I'm so excited you came.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm just dropping Rory off.

SHERRY

Oh, don't go. Stay.

LORELAI

What?

SHERRY

Come to the party, please?

LORELAI

Oh, I don't know.

SHERRY

I know that you weren't invited, but it's just 'cause my friends didn't think that you'd be comfortable. I told them not to worry.

LORELAI

Thanks, but I'm not really dressed for a party.

SHERRY

Oh, please. We're not formal here, you look fine.

LORELAI

Well... um...

RORY

Um, Mom kind of has plans.

LORELAI

Yeah, I got a couple credit cards burning a hole in my wallet.

SHERRY

Oh, go shopping some other time and come play with us. Please? There's just a bunch of people in there that Rory doesn't know, and having you here would make her so much more comfortable.

RORY

Oh, I don't mind not knowing anyone at the party, really.

SHERRY

That's nice, honey, but very unconvincing. Lorelai, I meant to extend the invitation to both of you. I just wasn't sure if you'd... Well, you know, there's lots of food, and booze for the lucky non-pregnant ones, and cake... it'll be fun.

LORELAI

Well...

SHERRY

I'll block your car with my stomach.

LORELAI

No, don't do that.

SHERRY

Please, it would mean so much.

LORELAI

Well... um, okay, sure.

SHERRY

Really?

LORELAI

Yeah, let's have a party.

SHERRY

Yay! [jumps up and down]

LORELAI

Ooh, watch it, you'll jiggle that thing right out of you.

SHERRY

A mother's perspective, thanks.

SHERRY

Come in, come in.

LORELAI

Nice place.

RORY

Very nice.

SHERRY

Well, it's a work-in-progress. It was so bachelor pad before: rock posters, modular furniture, magazines everywhere. I would pick up a TV Guide and it would be three months old. [leads them to the living room] Well, here's the gang.

SHERRY

You've got Gail, Jody, Maureen, Linda, Susan and Alice.

LORELAI

Hi.

RORY

Hey.

SHERRY

This is Christopher's daughter, the famous Rory, and I did a little arm twisting and got her mother Lorelai to come in, too.

JODY

The more the merrier.

MAUREEN

Mojito?

LORELAI

Oh, now that you don't need to twist my arm for.

SHERRY

You know, Rory and I will be the only ones not imbibing. Oh, and G.G.

RORY

Who?

SHERRY

G.G., short for Georgia. The two Gs.

RORY

That's cute.

LORELAI

So it's a girl?

SHERRY

Yeah. Christopher would've been happy with either, but I really wanted a ballerina.

LORELAI

Oh, ah... what's this?

MAUREEN

It's a little game. Everyone gets a diaper pin, and if you say the word "baby," the person catching you saying it gets to keep your pin.

SHERRY

Maureen's the instigator of this little soiree. She has her own publicity firm in New York.

LORELAI

Oh.

MAUREEN

She meant to run all those people down, but you didn't hear it from me.

LORELAI

Oh, aw, look at this – the famous CD collection. In alphabetical order, too.

RORY

And not stacked up like coasters.

SHERRY

Yeahh, I had to put an end to that. Finding something was impossible. I would be looking for my Wang Chung or Billy Joel and I would just have to give up. So now, everything is at your fingertips. [pulls out a CD] Wang Chung.

LORELAI

Wang Chung.

MAUREEN

Hey, no sub-groups, Sherry. Get over here.

GAIL

Mojito?

LORELAI

Oh, thank you.

GAIL

Club soda?

RORY

Thank you.

MAUREEN

Don't you hate the way she looks?

LORELAI

Who, Sherry?

MAUREEN

You can only tell she's pregnant in profile. Nothing in the face, nothing from behind...

RORY

Yeah, Sherry, you look amazing.

SHERRY

I do not.

LORELAI

You do. When I was carrying this one, doorways had to be widened.

SHERRY

It's good to have you here, Lorelai. You're the only one that can give me a motherly perspective.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm the only mother here? None of you have kids?

MAUREEN

Whose got the time?

JODY

Or the guy.

GAIL

There aren't that many Christophers in the world.

LORELAI

That's true.

SHERRY

You have to give me your list of books, okay?

LORELAI

Books?

SHERRY

The ones that you read when you had Rory.

LORELAI

Oh, I see. Um, I think I was reading "Deenie" at the time...

SHERRY

No parenting books?

LORELAI

No parenting books.

SHERRY

Well, then where'd you get your information on child raising? Your mom?

LORELAI

No, "For Keeps." Uh, Molly Ringwald, Randall Bantikoff, really underrated little post-John Hughes flick. She went to the prom fat. I found it really inspirational.

JODY

Hey, what are we all sitting around here for? Let the games begin!

MAUREEN

Let the games begin!

LORELAI

Games?

MAUREEN

Susan, help me move the couch.

LORELAI

[to Rory] They're moving the couch.

RORY

[to Lorelai] Bless you for being here.

GAIL

Up, up.

SHERRY

Feed the baby! Feed the baby!

WOMEN

Go, go!

JODY

You've got twenty seconds!

RORY

[singing] ... - - - Face, you've got the cutest little - - - face. There's not another one could take your place, - - - - face... .my poor heart is jumpin', you sure have started something... .- - -- Face ...

SUSAN

[sniffs one] Horseradish.

SHERRY

Write it down, write it down.

RORY

[sniffs one] Hoping it's ammonia.

SHERRY

You're not supposed to say. Write it down.

LORELAI

Baby crap.

MAUREEN

One, two, three – pull!

LORELAI

Wow.

RORY

Loud.

SUSAN

Oh, keep opening, keep opening.

SHERRY

You guys got me too much stuff. You should've just chipped in and bought me one thing. [opens a gift] Oh, it's a mobile. I love it, Gail. Thank you.

LORELAI

Green again.

SHERRY

Pretty green, too.

LORELAI

Isn't it supposed to be pink? Pink for a girl?

GAIL

Oh, pink's out.

SUSAN

It's last week.

MAUREEN

It's in all the magazines.

SHERRY

Green's the new pink.

LORELAI

I did not know that. [to Rory] Did you know that?

RORY

Oh, sure.

MAUREEN

Hey Sher, let me ask you... how in the world are you gonna finish that Spring campaign you're working on?

SHERRY

Oh, just barely. I have the final presentation on the seventeenth at noon, which gives me plenty of time to do G.G. at five.

RORY

To do G.G?

SHERRY

My Cesarean. I scheduled it months ago.

LORELAI

Wow.

SHERRY

Didn't you schedule yours?

LORELAI

Not quite. A half hour before I had Rory, I was eating a pepper sandwich and watching TV. [to Rory] You were almost named Quincy.

RORY

Thanks for refraining.

SHERRY

Oh, scheduling it like this was beyond necessary. I would die without organization. I mean, which is why I was so thrown off at the beginning.

LORELAI

What do you mean?

SHERRY

Well, Christopher and I didn't exactly plan for this to happen. I thought I had the flu or something. When I finally went to the doctor and he told me, he had to pick me up off the floor.

MAUREEN

Okay, I'm drunk, which is why I'm telling you that we were very shocked when you told us because you are so not a baby person.

SHERRY

Oh, I'm still not. I mean, she's all mine when she's got the legs to dance, but Christopher's the baby person.

GAIL

She's going to be beautiful.

SUSAN

Yeah, you and Christopher are like a poster for Aryan breeding.

SHERRY

Well, I can only hope that G.G.'s as beautiful as Rory. And half as smart, too. She's going to Harvard, you know.

MAUREEN

Wow, really?

RORY

I'm not in yet. I've just applied.

LORELAI

Oh, she's as good as in. I'm not just saying that. I can also sign it, mime it, Morse code it, and do an interpretive dance to it. It's gonna be Harvard.

SHERRY

Well, I certainly hope so. It's just minutes from here. Did you know that?

LORELAI

Minutes, really?

SHERRY

I've already clocked it – two point seven miles, which is nothing. I've already checked out the best late afternoon route for her to take to come over after classes.

RORY

To come over here?

SHERRY

Well, your little sister's going to demand it. You can even sleep over if you want.

RORY

Oh, well, I'll have a dorm room.

SHERRY

I know, but dorm rooms are awful. You can even spend the weekends, too.

LORELAI

Right – the ones she's not visiting me on.

SHERRY

Oh, well, that's a given Lorelai. Really, anytime. We've already for a key for you.

RORY

Well, thank you. I'll definitely visit.

SHERRY

You too, Lorelai. I mean, you're sort of G.G.'s aunt.

LORELAI

Oh, I guess I kind of am. I'm gonna get some more potato salad. Excuse me. [walks away]

SHERRY

Isn't it the best? I'm think I'm gonna get some more, too.

MAUREEN

No, no, let me get it.

SHERRY

No, no, no, no... it's okay.

SHERRY

I can't believe my appetite. It's so weird what a baby does to you.

LORELAI

Well, you've got a lifetime to get back at 'em.

SHERRY

Right. Thanks for that. I'm glad you're here.

LORELAI

Good.

SHERRY

Chris would be happy you're here, too.

LORELAI

Oh, great.

SHERRY

I have to tell you, he has been so amazing the past few months, so involved with the baby.

LORELAI

Good, good. [some poppers go off in the next room] Wow, you'd think those things would be against the law or something.

SHERRY

He talks to it every night.

LORELAI

Who?

SHERRY

Christopher. To the baby. He sings, too.

LORELAI

That's nice.

SHERRY

He has a terrible voice, but it's sweet. And he's so protective. If he was here right now, he would insist that I lie down. I keep kidding him that one of these days he's gonna come home with one of those sofas with the pole and the four men to carry me around everywhere.

LORELAI

Well, if you turn it down, feel free to send it to my house. [more poppers go off] She get a bulk rate on those things or what?

SHERRY

You know, when I first found out I was pregnant, I wasn't quite sure how Christopher would handle it, but I just never expected it would be like this. He's been unbelievable.

LORELAI

That's great, Sherry, really.

SHERRY

Yeah, well, I wanted to thank you.

LORELAI

Thank me?

SHERRY

Yeah. I mean, it's all because of you.

LORELAI

What?

SHERRY

Yeah, I've been wanting to tell you, actually. Chris and I had a rocky stretch. I thought for sure he was out the door. I mean, he was so distant and hardly ever talked. I wasn't even sure if I was gonna tell him about the baby. I thought I was gonna either go it alone, or not go through with it at all. I mean, I was kind of in the same position that you were in when you were pregnant, do you know what I mean?

LORELAI

Yeah, I guess.

SHERRY

I decided that I would tell him before I made any decisions, and that was the weekend he was with you and Rory, remember? There was a wedding or something...

LORELAI

Yes, I remember.

SHERRY

Well, I don't know what happened or what you said, but whatever it was, it worked. He came back a changed man. All of a sudden, he was so attentive and devoted, and so willing to make it work. He said that he'd missed out before, and he didn't want to miss it again. And I just credit a good portion of that to you.

LORELAI

Yes, well, I can be very persuasive. [more poppers go off] God, I'm getting to hate those things.

SHERRY

Guys, cool it with the poppers.

MAUREEN

Party pooper.

SUSAN

Popper pooper.

SHERRY

They're children. Are you okay?

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm... uh, it was just, uh, one hell of a Mojito. Listen, could you point the way to the bathroom?

SHERRY

Oh, sure. Just through there and to the right.

LORELAI

Thanks.

LORELAI

Uh, just... just a minute.

RORY

It's me.

LORELAI

Come in.

RORY

Hi.

LORELAI

Hi there.

RORY

Are you okay?

LORELAI

I've been better.

RORY

You rearranged her medicine cabinet?

LORELAI

Yes, and it's going to rock her world.

RORY

Are you having a meltdown?

LORELAI

Pretty much.

RORY

From something that Sherry said?

LORELAI

From everything Sherry said.

RORY

About my visiting her?

LORELAI

Okay, sure, we'll start there. As if you're gonna have all this free time to pal around with her. You'll be in classes, does she know that?

RORY

She was just asking.

LORELAI

And what are you doing agreeing to come over here all the time?

RORY

I was just being polite.

LORELAI

By agreeing to be here every weekend you're not with me?

RORY

I did not agree to that.

LORELAI

Well, you're spending all your weekends with me. That's a given. And she... she had to have a girl. That kills me!

RORY

That her baby's a girl?

LORELAI

Yes, because I have a girl. She's just a copycat.

RORY

She can't control the sex of her baby.

LORELAI

Oh, really? Little Miss "Mani-pedi-I'll-give-birth-before-five-o'clock"? Uh, I think she can.

RORY

Mom...

LORELAI

"All I want's a ballerina." Poor thing's gonna pop out of her womb and land in a tutu.

RORY

Boy, I hope not.

LORELAI

And what is with that name – G.G.?

RORY

It's a cute name.

LORELAI

It is, 'cause she's copying me there, too. Rory, G.G. Rory, G.G. They're identical.

RORY

They are not identical.

LORELAI

Two syllables, repeating consonants. Rory... .G.G.

RORY

Oprah, Uma.

LORELAI

Don't mock.

RORY

I'm just trying to joke you down off that ledge.

LORELAI

And that music, God, that music!

RORY

Yeah, I'm with you on that. The music's driving me crazy, too.

LORELAI

I mean, they've been playing the same nondescript, soft, generic jazz for two straight hours. And who is that playing that stupid saxophone like that?

RORY

It's music you eat brunch to.

LORELAI

Thank you for finally being on my side for something.

RORY

Mom, I'm always on your side.

LORELAI

Oh, she probably makes Christopher listen to that garbage. And – and – and then there's the whole thing of rearranging his CDs. I mean, to her they're just identical little metal discs full of annoying sounds that you alphabetize like files in an office.

RORY

I'm with you on that, but you've got to calm down.

LORELAI

I just wanna rearrange her whole house.

RORY

You can't do that.

LORELAI

Please? Let me just mess up her bed. You make a distraction, like setting a fire, and I'll run up and un-color-coordinate her sheets.

RORY

I think the fire would be the thing that she'd remember.

LORELAI

I could've been shopping. I could've been out buying shoes I'll never wear. And all that stuff about me and thanking me and ...

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Nothing. I know you're always on my side.

RORY

It's okay.

LORELAI

I'm sorry.

RORY

It's okay. We should probably get back.

LORELAI

Yeah, probably. I'm gonna take one of Maureen's little poppers and pop her right up her -

RORY

Mom...

LORELAI

Okay, let's go. [Rory opens the door to leave, then Lorelai closes it] Uh, just... green's the new pink?

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Come on.

RORY

It's stupid.

LORELAI

Thank you.

RORY

Let's go.

LUKE

Hey, I got dinner. Half an apple pie, too. Told the last couple people that wanted some that a fly landed in it.

JESS

Why are you going through my stuff?

LUKE

Huh?

JESS

Why are you going through all my stuff?

LUKE

I'm not.

JESS

So someone else is?

LUKE

I'm not going through your stuff.

JESS

You suck at lying.

LUKE

You're paranoid.

JESS

Fine, I'm being paranoid, but that doesn't mean you're not going through my stuff.

LUKE

Get the forks.

JESS

Practically everything I own is in a slightly different place than when I saw it last. Now why are you going through my stuff?

LUKE

For your own good.

JESS

My own good? Can we be a little more Totalitarian here?

LUKE

Hey, how 'bout I ask a question, Jess?

JESS

If it has to do with this, be my guest.

LUKE

Where'd you get the money for the car?

JESS

What?

LUKE

The car. Where'd you get the money?

JESS

I told you, I worked for it.

LUKE

I know what I pay you.

JESS

Okay, well, I do jobs around town.

LUKE

What jobs?

JESS

I clean rain gutters.

LUKE

Jess, if you cleaned every rain gutter from here to Vermont, you wouldn't have enough money to buy that car. Now tell me where you got the money.

JESS

I'm not just doing rain gutters when I'm not working at the diner.

LUKE

What are you doing?

JESS

I go to a... a place that gives me money.

LUKE

For what?

JESS

For my services.

LUKE

What services? What place? [pause] Jess, are you a gigolo?

JESS

What?

LUKE

Well, I don't know. You say you go to a place where they give you money...

JESS

I do.

LUKE

Where?

JESS

Wal-Mart.

LUKE

Excuse me?

JESS

I've been working there twelve hours a week for the past few months to get extra money for the car.

LUKE

Wal-Mart.

JESS

Yeah.

LUKE

You work at Wal-Mart?

JESS

Yeah.

LUKE

I cannot picture you working at Wal-Mart.

LUKE

Oh my God, you work at Wal-Mart.

JESS

Let's drop this now.

LUKE

Yeah, sure, fine. You're not the guy that greets people at the door, are you?

JESS

We were dropping this.

LUKE

Come on.

JESS

I work in the back. I move stock around on a forklift.

LUKE

That takes a special license, doesn't it?

JESS

I spent a Saturday afternoon taking the class and I got it like that, no biggie.

LUKE

Wow.

JESS

We done here?

LUKE

Yeah. You wear a vest and everything?

JESS

It's the uniform, I have to.

LUKE

You've been sneaking out of here with a little vest hidden on you?

JESS

It's not a little vest.

LUKE

Is it blue?

JESS

Will you stop talking about the vest?

LUKE

Do you get a store discount?

JESS

Fifteen percent. And if you want fifteen percent off anything, you're not gonna get it 'cause you're being a jerk.

LUKE

My enjoyment is worth the loss.

JESS

I'm eating and ignoring you.

LUKE

Ah, you're like the all-American boy.

JESS

Call me Dirk Squarejaw.

LUKE

Look at you.

JESS

What?

LUKE

Eating apple pie.

JESS

I'm outta here.

LUKE

Hey, wave a flag and sing "God Bless America", please?

JESS

Goodbye.

RORY

You're okay to drive, right?

LORELAI

I barely drank a thing.

RORY

I'm talking about your mood.

LORELAI

My mood is fine.

RORY

You're still mad at Sherry.

LORELAI

No, I'm fine, and I'm fine to drive. Although sometimes, when I'm driving and it's dark like this, I get the sudden urge to turn the wheel into oncoming traffic.

RORY

No, do not do Duane from "Annie Hall!"

LORELAI

I can see the flames, I can smell the smoke...

RORY

I hate this bit.

LORELAI

Okay, I'm creeping me out, too. Move those things, will you? They're not the most fragrant food in the world.

RORY

We shouldn't have taken them.

LORELAI

We had no choice.

RORY

She was insistent.

LORELAI

"Take the deviled eggs!" How many times did the woman say it? And then her drunken friends hear it and they're all shouting, "Take the deviled eggs!"

RORY

Every one of those ladies was slobbering drunk.

LORELAI

Maureen and Susan almost coming to blows was worth it, though. How did that happen, anyway?

RORY

From what I can tell, Susan said, "Bla ra um beh bleh," and Maureen took great offense.

LORELAI

Well, yeah.

RORY

You know, we didn't have to stay that long.

LORELAI

Not according to Sherry. She made a very persuasive argument that if we left at six, there'd be an extra hour of sitting in traffic, so by leaving at seven we'd get home at the same time as leaving at six.

RORY

She's very up on traffic flow and rush hour and all that.

LORELAI

She's Rand McNally.

RORY

She should do traffic reports on the radio.

LORELAI

"Hi, this is Sherry Tinsdale. Looks like there's a tie-up on the boulevard. They appear to be moving every building in Harvard University so now it's just one point three miles from my house. Nice job, guys."

RORY

You're awful.

LORELAI

"Oh, and lots of cars stopped at a blue light on Garvey Avenue. Why a blue light? Well, 'cause blue's the new red."

RORY

I like that you're feeling better.

LORELAI

I'm not feeling better. I'm still... grrr! That medicine cabinet was not enough.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

It was tame, and any one of those drunken yuppies could have messed it up.

RORY

They wouldn't dare. Plus, when I went back in there, I cleaned it up.

LORELAI

Rory!

RORY

Let it go.

LORELAI

That was my catharsis.

RORY

Let it go.

LORELAI

No, that woman does something to me.

RORY

You've got to live and let live.

LORELAI

And bringing up Christopher like that... she must know what she's doing.

RORY

I'm not sure she did.

LORELAI

I almost wish she was doing all this on purpose. I would respect her more.

RORY

I just hope Dad's happy.

LORELAI

Happy? With Sherry and G.G., the five o'clock ballerina? No way. And to think that I sent him back to her a new man? Man!

RORY

Stop the car.

LORELAI

[stops the car] What? Why?

RORY

You want catharsis?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

I know what'll do it for you.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Jess' car.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

We egg Jess' car. It's perfect.

LORELAI

Are you serious?

RORY

No one's around, and it's just sitting there.

LORELAI

Rory, if rearranging Sherry's medicine cabinet is immature, what's this?

RORY

Off the chart.

LORELAI

We can't egg his car.

RORY

Sure we can.

LORELAI

Doose's is closed and we don't have any eggs at home.

LORELAI

You want to devil-egg Jess' car? And how is that gonna make me feel better about Sherry?

RORY

Because it's active! It's aggressive! It's destructive, but not too destructive! I don't know... can you make something up?

LORELAI

Let's do it.

RORY

Leave the engine running.

LORELAI

Good thinking.

LORELAI

You first.

LORELAI

Wow, nice.

RORY

It made a good sound, too.

LORELAI

How'd it feel?

RORY

Fantastic.

LORELAI

You're right, that's good.

RORY

Fun, huh?

LORELAI

I don't think there's been a better use of deviled eggs in culinary history.

LORELAI

That's it?

RORY

All out.

LORELAI

Damn that Sherry for not sending more home with us!

RORY

Don't lose your catharsis.

LORELAI

Right, sorry. Wait...

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Is that a siren?

RORY

I don't hear anything.

LORELAI

Neither do I. It just seemed a cool thing to say at that moment.

RORY

It was.

LORELAI

Hey, let's run back and speed off like we did something really awful and the cops are after us!

RORY

Run!

LORELAI

Be prepared 'cause I am gonna squeal out of here!

RORY

Go!

RORY

Try again, try again.

RORY

We'll just make the noise ourselves.

LORELAI

Good deal.

BOTH

Eeeeeeeeeee!

RORY

I wonder if he's seen it yet.

LORELAI

Doesn't look like it. Maybe we should've headed for the border.

RORY

Which border?

LORELAI

The one between America and Sephoraland?

RORY

Hey Luke.

LUKE

Hi. Just seeing what the mob scene is.

LORELAI

The protest!

RORY

We almost forgot!

LORELAI

Come on!

LORELAI

So it's the big day, huh?

BABETTE

Oh, it's supposed to happen any minute.

RORY

Goody.

TAYLOR

This is hardly a goody, young lady. [to police officer] Are you locked and loaded, Officer?

OFFICER

I'm a tiger ready to pounce, Taylor.

LUKE

What's with having the law here, Taylor?

BABETTE

Yeah, Taylor, this protest is gonna be very mellow, very peaceful.

TAYLOR

Well, you can hang out in Haight-Ashbury and drink as much electric Kool-Aid as you want, Babette, but I'm preparing for the worst.

KIRK

There he is.

LUKE

What's he carrying?

MISS PATTY

Something all rolled up.

TAYLOR

Probably a body.

RORY

It looks heavy, too.

LORELAI

Well, bodies are heavy.

TAYLOR

That's not funny.

RORY

Somebody should give him a hand.

BABETTE

Oh, here comes someone.

RORY

Oh, guess he doesn't want help.

LORELAI

There's a reason his name isn't Town Gregarious Guy.

RORY

Very true.

TAYLOR

Do you even have bullets in that thing?

OFFICER

Oh yeah, I'm ready to pop some caps here.

RORY

There he goes.

MISS PATTY

Well, this is a very nice protest so far.

LORELAI

One of the best I've ever been to.

BABETTE

It's fun seeing everybody like this.

LUKE

We see each other every day.

LORELAI

But we don't all stand around in a clump like this.

LUKE

True.

ANDREW

We should have brought food.

MISS PATTY

Well, we'll know better next time.

ANDREW

There he is again.

MISS PATTY

It's a banner.

TAYLOR

Probably laced with obscenity.

RORY

He's dropping it!

LORELAI

This is exciting!

TAYLOR

It's blank.

BABETTE

It's the wrong side.

LORELAI

Turn it over!

ANDREW

Did anyone see what it said?

KIRK

Just the flash of a word. It started with an "R."

LORELAI

Well, all right, then all we have to do is think of everything that someone could protest that starts with an "R", and then we'll know what he's protesting.

RORY

Ragu.

LORELAI

Ragu, yes, he could be protesting Ragu.

BABETTE

Reptiles.

LORELAI

That's another.

KIRK

Robots.

LORELAI

Could be.

TOWN LONER

Ix crosti sonnicello.

MISS PATTY

What did he say?

KIRK

His diction's terrible.

BABETTE

I heard Jello, something about Jello.

ANDREW

Well, is he for Jello or against Jello?

LORELAI

It's not clear.

TOWN LONER

Dopbanoodlestooz!

LORELAI

That was clearer. He said, "Stop the noodle scooz."

RORY

Stop the noodle scooz?

TAYLOR

That's not even English.

BABETTE

And what does it have to do with Jello?

LUKE

I heard "Drop the student schools."

ANDREW

That must be it.

MISS PATTY

No, but that doesn't make any sense either.

TAYLOR

Oh, look, now we have to stop this. He could be saying horrible things, blasphemous things.

BABETTE

But how would you know?

RORY

Yeah, what's the harm if we can't even understand what he's saying?

LORELAI

Hey, maybe that's the Town Loner's point. That, like, he's protesting man's inability to communicate by not communicating and getting us all to talk about communication.

RORY

Whoa, you are blowin' my mind here.

KIRK

I'm seeing trails.

JESS

[calls to Luke] Luke! [Luke walks over to him] Did you see this?

LUKE

See what? What happened?

JESS

Someone egged my car.

LUKE

Geez, it stinks.

JESS

It's gonna take me forever to clean this up.

LUKE

These eggs are cooked.

JESS

What?

LUKE

They're not raw eggs. They look like... deviled eggs.

JESS

Someone devil-egged my car?

LUKE

Well, that is paprika.

JESS

Someone prepared deviled eggs to throw at my car?

LUKE

Man, they must hate you a lot. Hey, maybe it was the guy in the garden department.

JESS

I'm gonna go get something to clean this up.

LUKE

Or maybe it was the assistant night manager. You guys have words in the snack room?

TAYLOR

First protest, now vandalism. Makes you think about leaving this town.

LORELAI

I never wanna leave this town.

BABETTE

Oop, guess he's giving up.

LORELAI

It's back to the hills, Town Loner, to protest another day.

MISS PATTY

He doesn't litter. That's nice.

RORY

He looks so sad.

LORELAI

He'll be fine. Mrs. Town Loner will cheer him up.

BABETTE

Whew. Let's get upwind from Jess' car.

LORELAI

Breakfast?

RORY

Anything but eggs.

RORY

I was home all night last night.

LORELAI

So was I. We have alibis and everything.