T3E7: “They Shoot Gilmores, Don’t They?”

LUKE

What about that one?

LORELAI

Hm, no.

LUKE

Why not?

LORELAI

Too pale.

LUKE

So what?

LORELAI

Pale means sickly.

LUKE

Or sunscreen.

LORELAI

Or Mad Cow Disease.

LUKE

Pale does not mean Mad Cow Disease.

LORELAI

Have you ever had Mad Cow Disease?

LUKE

Twice last week and my coloring was wonderful.

LORELAI

I need a great dance partner this year. Someone strong, non-clutzy, with lots of stamina. Ooh, how tall is that guy?

LUKE

Mrs. Coulter's about 6'2".

LORELAI

Oh. Four years in a row, I have come this close to winning. Last year, I swear to God, I had it!

LUKE

I know the story.

LORELAI

It was hour twenty-three.

LUKE

I know the story.

LORELAI

I'm dancing with Henry Ho-Ho McAphie the third.

LUKE

How many people heard me say I know the story?

LORELAI

And Ho-Ho's fading, so I'm trying to buck him up, saying "Come on, Ho-Ho. Stay with me Ho-Ho," and then all of a sudden he starts yelling, "Stop calling me Ho-Ho, it's making me hungry!"

LUKE

Oh, hey, look, there goes Tommy Tune.

LORELAI

And out of nowhere, Kirk comes dancing by, waving a McDonald's hot apple pie in the air and of course Ho-Ho lunges for the pie and drops my hand and that was it. Kirk wins, I'm out. I'm gonna get that Ho-Ho someday.

LUKE

I'll help ya.

LORELAI

I wanna win.

LUKE

I know you do.

LORELAI

I need a partner.

LUKE

You'll get one. Keep looking.

LORELAI

Mm. [she stares up at him]

LUKE

Out there. [turns her head toward the window]

LORELAI

But, but, wait –

LUKE

Pancakes, right? Coming right up.

TAYLOR

Breathe in deep, folks. Smells like fall.

LUKE

Get out, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Why?

LUKE

Just a code I live by.

TAYLOR

Oh. . .pffft. . .you. Listen, I'd like to run a little something by you.

LUKE

I'm busy, Taylor.

TAYLOR

I was just thinking how nice it would be if you could set up a little coffee stand at the marathon.

LUKE

Coffee stand.

TAYLOR

Yes. I mean, these people have to try and stay up for twenty-four hours. What better to help you stay up than a cup of nice strong cup of coffee, huh? What do you say?

LUKE

Sure.

TAYLOR

Really?

LUKE

For a buck a cup.

TAYLOR

Luke, this marathon is a charitable event.

LUKE

Taylor, we have been raising money to restore that stupid bridge for eight years.

TAYLOR

We're not raising money to restore the bridge.

LUKE

We're not?

TAYLOR

No, we have that money. The Tennessee Williams lookalike contest last month put us right over the top.

LUKE

Then what the hell is this dumb thing for?

TAYLOR

A tarp.

LUKE

A what?

TAYLOR

To cover the bridge.

LUKE

This is a first, Taylor. I actually need to sit down.

TAYLOR

Well, Luke, you know as well as I do that if we start renovations now, heading right into the snow and rainy part of the season, then everything we do is gonna get ruined, and there we are – back at square one. If we are gonna do this right, then we are going to need a tarp.

LUKE

Taylor, you are asking me to donate free coffee to hundreds of people so you can raise money to buy a tarp.

TAYLOR

How 'bout fifty cents a cup?

LUKE

How 'bout I charge for cream?

TAYLOR

You would kick Tiny Tim's crutch out from under him, wouldn't you?

LUKE

If he asks for a free cup of coffee, gimpy's going down.

LORELAI

Oh, whoa – look at Taylor go. I wonder who he's dancing with.

LORELAI

This is amazing chicken, Mom. I mean it, really great.

EMILY

Thank you, Lorelai.

LORELAI

It's like super chicken. I bet it could fly. Have you tried tossing it out the window?

EMILY

All right, what's going on?

LORELAI

What? I like the chicken.

EMILY

Nobody likes the chicken that much, Lorelai.

LORELAI

I'm in a good mood.

EMILY

Why?

LORELAI

My God, it's my ninth grade homecoming dance all over again.

RORY

Homecoming dance?

LORELAI

In ninth grade, I got asked to the homecoming dance and I didn't think I would, and I was in a really good mood, and Mom got so annoyed that she made me go to my room.

RORY

Grandma?

EMILY

She was sitting at the table giving all the peas voices.

LORELAI

With a little encouragement, I could've been the Senor Wences of the vegetable set.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Okay, okay, okay. It'll come out soon enough. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I found a dance partner.

RORY

You did?

LORELAI

A good one.

EMILY

What are you talking about, a dance partner? A dance partner for what?

LORELAI

Our town is having a dance marathon this weekend.

RORY

It lasts twenty-four hours and the last couple left standing gets a trophy.

LORELAI

A big trophy.

EMILY

Well, that sounds very nice.

RORY

All the proceeds go to charity.

LORELAI

Which is great – but did I mention the trophy?

RORY

I believe you did.

LORELAI

'Cause it's big.

EMILY

Charitable events are wonderful things to take part in. There's nothing more rewarding than devoting yourself to making someone else's life better.

LORELAI

And whose life isn't better with a truly gigantic trophy around?

RORY

So who'd you get to dance with you?

LORELAI

Stanley Appleman.

RORY

Who's Stanley Appleman?

LORELAI

Oh, he's brand new in town. He works over at the hardware store, and the best part is, he used to be part of the touring company. . .of Riverdance.

RORY

Score!

LORELAI

I know! I'm completely jazzed. How 'bout you, Mr. Potato? I'm completely jazzed, too.

EMILY

What's that?

LORELAI

I think that's me.

EMILY

Lorelai, I've told you a hundred times to turn that thing off when you come to dinner here.

LORELAI

I know, Mom. I'm sorry.

EMILY

Can't you let it go to voice mail?

LORELAI

Well, see, I left Michel alone at the inn, and he's dealing with the roofers. I told him to call me if there was any trouble. [goes to answer the phone]

EMILY

Is that true?

RORY

I'm gonna let Mr. Potato field this one.

EMILY

I thought so.

LORELAI

Hello? ... What? ... Oh, no no, no no, don't tell me that. . .Well, did you tell her how big the trophy is, because I am really not exaggerating here... How did your wife get a picture of me? Stanley, that is crazy! I don't wanna sleep with you... Did you tell her I don't wanna sleep with you? ... Well, put her on the phone. I'll tell her I don't wanna sleep with you... Well, somebody has to tell her I don't wanna sleep with you... Why are you insulted all of a sudden? ... Stanley? . . .

LORELAI

Great.

RORY

What happened?

LORELAI

Stanley bailed.

RORY

No! Why?

LORELAI

Apparently, Miss Patty showed his wife a picture of me, and she thinks I look like Elizabeth Taylor, which makes her Debbie Reynolds, and Stanley Eddie Fisher.

RORY

That's crazy.

LORELAI

Especially if you've seen Stanley. He's no Eddie Fisher, trust me. Fisher Stevens, maybe.

RORY

Can't you talk to her?

LORELAI

Apparently, only at my own risk.

EMILY

Well, at least she thought you looked like Elizabeth Taylor. That was nice.

LORELAI

I have no partner.

RORY

You'll find another one.

EMILY

Elizabeth Taylor always did.

RORY

There's someone else out there, trust me.

LORELAI

I guess.

EMILY

Here. Have some more chicken.

LORELAI

Thanks, Mom.

EMILY

And if you'd like, later on, you can make my asparagus talk.

LORELAI

Well, maybe next week.

PARIS

Okay, so, let's talk about Saturday.

RORY

What about Saturday?

PARIS

I think we need to work. The seventy-fifth anniversary issue of the Franklin comes out next month and I want it to be amazing.

RORY

I've got some great cover art lined up.

PARIS

Old pictures, new pictures?

RORY

Collage style with kind of a sepia-toned finish to it. Very classy.

PARIS

Okay, I like it. Time!

LOUISE

See ya.

MADELINE

Bye.

MADELINE

So, what were we talking about?

PARIS

Working Saturday on the seventy-fifth anniversary issue.

LOUISE

Thanks for asking.

MADELINE

But you guys already have some decent stuff planned out, right?

PARIS

Madeline -- or may I call you Spicoli?

MADELINE

If you have to.

PARIS

This is the seventy-fifth anniversary issue. There is only going to be one seventy-fifth anniversary issue ever, and it's on our watch. We screw this up and we basically mooned a piece of history. Is that what you want? To B.A. history?

MADELINE

But I don't understand. Last year was the seventy-fourth anniversary issue of the Franklin.

PARIS

So?

MADELINE

So there's only gonna be one seventy-fourth anniversary issue ever and we didn't do anything special for it.

LOUISE

I think the cover was of a deep-fried Mars bar.

PARIS

That's because nobody cares about the seventy-fourth anniversary issue.

MADELINE

I bet the person who worked on it seventy-four years ago did.

PARIS

We're working Saturday!

PARIS

"Why are we working Saturday, Paris? What's so special about the seventy-fifth issue, Paris? Why does my head feel so light and yet not float away, Paris?"

RORY

What?

PARIS

What's he doing here?

RORY

I bet he's here to see you.

PARIS

He hasn't called me once. I haven't seen or heard from him since we had our date in Washington three months ago.

RORY

Maybe he wants to explain why.

PARIS

He was supposed to go away and never come back. I already wrote his name in my revenge notebook.

RORY

Paris, he knows you're standing here talking about him.

PARIS

What does he want?

RORY

Go over there and find out.

PARIS

What do you want?

JAMIE

I'm on break from school, I thought I'd come down and see you.

PARIS

But you never called.

JAMIE

I know.

PARIS

You lost my number?

JAMIE

Nope, I memorized your number.

PARIS

You didn't wanna use my number?

JAMIE

I was starting classes.

PARIS

In phone dialing? How's it going?

JAMIE

Look, Paris, this year's very important for me. I thought the last thing I needed was a distraction.

PARIS

Well, I totally understand. This year's very important for me, too. I'm focusing on getting into Harvard, and the last thing that I need is a distraction. . . so, good move. You saved us both a lot of distractions. Thank you, and good luck. [they shake hands, but Jamie doesn't let go] I need my hand.

JAMIE

If I let go, how fast will you run away?

PARIS

3.2 seconds.

JAMIE

I thought so. Hey Rory.

RORY

Hey Jamie. How's Princeton?

JAMIE

It's good. Crazy, but –

PARIS

Let go.

JAMIE

No.

PARIS

Yes.

JAMIE

Paris.

PARIS

Look, you don't have to be nice, you don't have to tie up loose ends. I get it, I'm a distraction. Now either pull a Boxing Helena, or give me back my hand.

JAMIE

Yes, talking to you would've been a distraction.

PARIS

I know. I heard you already. My God, find a pirate to sit on, okay?

JAMIE

However, not talking to you has turned out to be impossible.

PARIS

What?

JAMIE

I flunked a pop quiz in poli-sci because I couldn't stop thinking about you. Still want your hand back?

PARIS

I've got another.

JAMIE

I've thought a lot about this, and apparently you're a distraction that I'm supposed to have.

PARIS

You didn't have a bad time on the date?

JAMIE

Are you busy right now?

PARIS

Well –

RORY

No, we're done. She's free.

JAMIE

Good. Let's go get some coffee. Bye Rory.

RORY

Bye Jamie.

PARIS

He took my books.

RORY

Well, go get 'em back.

RORY

Well?

LANE

Still ringing. [a moment later, she hangs up] He's home.

RORY

How'd he sound?

LANE

Homey.

RORY

Nice.

DEAN

I know this is a stupid question, but why can't you just talk to him?

LANE

Because yesterday he called to say that they were still looking for a rehearsal space and, uh, that he'd call when he had more news. So now I have to wait until he calls about the band – and in between, I call and hang up on him. Pathetic.

RORY

Not so pathetic. I used to hang up on Dean all the time.

DEAN

You did?

LANE

I remember that.

DEAN

When did you hang up on me?

RORY

Right when we first met.

DEAN

You should've just said something.

RORY

I couldn't do that.

DEAN

Why not?

RORY

Because then you would've known that I was calling and therefore that I liked you.

DEAN

Yes, but I liked you, too.

RORY

Well, I know that now.

DEAN

You could've known that then.

RORY

Dean, please. This is a girl thing.

DEAN

Uh, okay. Tell me when I'm supposed to pay attention again.

LANE

I'm gonna love him forever and he's never gonna know it.

DEAN

He would if you coughed.

RORY

Dean.

DEAN

Sorry.

LANE

At least he's at home and not out with a girl.

RORY

Very true.

DEAN

He could be home with a girl.

RORY

Dean.

DEAN

Sitting here, staring at my pizza.

LANE

You think he was at home with a girl?

RORY

No, no, I don't.

LANE

I'm gonna call again.

RORY

Good idea, and pay attention to the background noise this time.

LORELAI

Ooh, cool, pizza.

RORY

Shh. She's calling Dave to see if she can hear a girl in the background.

LORELAI

Oh.

DEAN

I voted that she actually say something.

LORELAI

You're a boy, you know nothing about this.

RORY

Well, what'd you hear?

LANE

Quadrophenia.

RORY

Classy, but not date-like.

LANE

You think?

RORY

Definitely.

DEAN

What if he met a girl who's a major Who fan?

LANE

What?

RORY

Why are you causing trouble?

LORELAI

Rory, can I talk to you in the kitchen?

RORY

Oh, sure. [to Dean] Be good.

DEAN

Go ahead.

RORY

Okay, so, what's on your mind?

LORELAI

I think I figured out who can be my dance partner for the marathon.

RORY

Great! Who?

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Come on!

RORY

Forget it.

LORELAI

Just hear me out. First of all, you love me.

RORY

Not right at this moment, I don't.

LORELAI

You know how much this contest means to me. You'd never fall asleep or chase a pie.

RORY

I do not dance.

LORELAI

It'll be fun. We'll get all dressed up, and you're light – easy to hold up when you get tired.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Plus, we got the whole mother/daughter gimmick going for us. The crowd'll eat that up.

RORY

I cannot dance with you.

LORELAI

Why not?

RORY

Because this is Dean's first marathon. We were gonna go and watch and hang out, he's totally looking forward to it. I told him about how Andrew gets in a fight with his date in the first fifteen minutes and storms off the floor. I told him about Taylor getting punch-drunk at hour fifteen and telling stories about how he always wanted to be a magician.

LORELAI

Rory, please.

RORY

And ooh, I told him about how when Kirk wins, he likes to take his victory lap around the floor to the theme from Rocky. I was gonna show him all those things, and I was gonna show them to him sitting down.

LORELAI

He can still come, and he can still see all those things, except if you dance, maybe that victory lap will be you and me instead of Kirk.

RORY

Okay, I'll tell you what. I was supposed to work on the Franklin this weekend with Paris.

LORELAI

But?

RORY

I will ask her if we can reschedule. If she says yes, then I will dance with you.

LORELAI

Oh, I love ya!

RORY

You should sell cars.

LORELAI

I should, shouldn't I? Hello, big fancy trophy.

TEACHER

Take note of its form before treated. Make sure that your notes are completely legible since you will be turning them in with your result. Miss Gellar, hello.

PARIS

Sorry I'm late, Mrs. Savitt.

TEACHER

Is everything okay?

PARIS

Yes. I overslept.

TEACHER

You're kidding.

PARIS

No, it won't happen again.

TEACHER

Well, good. Okay, everyone, let's get to work.

RORY

Paris, hi. Listen, I need to ask you something.

PARIS

Shoot.

RORY

Well, there's this big event that's happening in my town. . .

PARIS

Pig race?

RORY

Dance marathon.

PARIS

I was close.

RORY

It's on Saturday, and it's a twenty-four hour thing and my mother really wants to win, and her partner bailed on her and, long story short, I was wondering if there was anyway we could move this Saturday's Franklin thing to next Saturday.

PARIS

Okay.

MADELINE

What did she say?

LOUISE

I don't know. What did you say?

PARIS

I said yes.

LOUISE

She said yes.

MADELINE

She said yes.

LOUISE

[walks up to a guy] Are you free on Saturday?

GUY

Uh, no.

LOUISE

[to another guy] What about you? Come on – speak.

MADELINE

[from across the room] Louise, I got two over here!

PARIS

So, we're done, right?

RORY

You had a good time yesterday.

PARIS

What was yesterday?

RORY

Yesterday was the day that you were all freaked out about the seventy-fifth anniversary issue of the Franklin and today's the day you're not.

PARIS

Rory, just because I agreed to postpone a newspaper session does in no way imply –

RORY

You can't even stop smiling.

PARIS

I can, too.

RORY

Tell me.

PARIS

Okay. Well, we went for coffee, and he talked about how he had a great time on our date, and how he finds me fascinating, and how he thought about me all the time. Okay, there, happy?

RORY

Wow, he likes you.

PARIS

I left an impression.

RORY

You sure did.

PARIS

I still don't understand why he'd wanna date me. He's surrounded by college girls all day long who must be prettier than I am, and more experienced than I am. I mean, I'm sure they're all idiots, but usually that's the last thing a guy thinks about when he's looking for a date for the big game.

RORY

Well, Jamie must be special.

PARIS

Or Ted Bundy.

RORY

Absolutely. It's either one or the other.

PARIS

Hey. Can you do me a favor?

RORY

Okay.

PARIS

Don't say anything to Madeline or Louise about this.

RORY

About Jamie?

PARIS

Yeah.

RORY

But they're your best friends.

PARIS

Theoretically, yes, but the second I mention a guy they're gonna both start singing the theme from the Trojan Man commercial, and I just can't take that, okay?

RORY

No one knows until you give the word.

PARIS

Thanks.

LORELAI

I have to say, for a couple of modern girls, we have time-warped with the best of 'em.

RORY

Mm.

LORELAI

How ya doing there, champ?

RORY

Early.

LORELAI

Yes, it's a tad early.

RORY

No sun.

LORELAI

Well, he's not up yet.

RORY

I can't even open my eyes.

LORELAI

That's okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo, Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps.

RORY

Oh my God, stop. I'm never gonna be able to close my eyes again.

LORELAI

Morning Babette.

BABETTE

Oh, morning sugar. You guys look terrific.

LORELAI

Thank you.

RORY

Babette, can I lay down on the table while Mom signs in?

BABETTE

Not an early bird, huh?

LORELAI

I need to get some coffee in her and we'll be fine. Kirk, however, is gonna be crying like a little teeny girl.

BABETTE

So what else is new? Okay, now you two go get your physicals, bring your release forms inside, and they'll get you a number.

LORELAI

Thanks. Come on, Snoozy.

SOOKIE

Hey, wait up!

LORELAI

Oh, wow, look at you!

SOOKIE

Is it fabulous?

LORELAI

It is fabulous.

SOOKIE

Wait 'til you see Jackson's suit. It makes me want to ration sugar.

LORELAI

Where is Jackson?

SOOKIE

Oh, we already had our checkups, so he's going to sign us in and scope out a good spot on the floor.

LORELAI

Oh, it's so cool to be married. You have your own spot-scoper.

RORY

I'm gonna go say hi to Lane.

LORELAI

Okay, hon, hurry back. Remember, the sooner we get inspected, the sooner we get coffee.

RORY

Yeah, coffee. [walks into Miss Patty's]

SOOKIE

Okay, I have a problem.

LORELAI

Sookie, it's five-thirty in the morning. How can you already have a problem?

SOOKIE

Because I'm a multi-tasker.

LORELAI

Hit me.

SOOKIE

Last night, I made coq au vin for dinner, so of course the subject of children came up.

LORELAI

Of course.

SOOKIE

All of a sudden, completely out of the blue, Jackson announces he wants four in four.

LORELAI

He wants what?

SOOKIE

Four in four. Four kids in four years.

LORELAI

Good Lord!

SOOKIE

I know!

LORELAI

Well, who's he gonna have these kids with?

SOOKIE

Me, apparently.

LORELAI

What did you say?

SOOKIE

See, here's where, uh, the problem comes in.

LORELAI

What?

SOOKIE

I think I said yes.

LORELAI

How is that possible?

SOOKIE

Well, I was totally shocked when he announced it and I sort of said, "O. . kay" and . . but I think he took it as, "Okay!" So, apparently, now I have to get busy.

LORELAI

Do you want four in four?

SOOKIE

No. But, I mean, I want kids. You know I want kids.

LORELAI

I know you want kids.

SOOKIE

But I thought maybe one. Two if the first one is really quiet.

LORELAI

Well, honey, you have to tell Jackson that.

SOOKIE

I can't.

LORELAI

Sookie, this is not like the fruit bowl his mother gave you. You can't stick four kids in the attic and just pull them out at Christmas.

SOOKIE

I know, but Jackson and I have never had a real fight. We're still newlyweds. We still sneak out of bed in the morning to brush our teeth, then get back in bed and pretend we just woke up smelling like that.

LORELAI

You don't have much of a marriage if you can't talk about the important things.

SOOKIE

I know. Do you think I'm crazy to not want four in four?

LORELAI

Four kids is a lot, and four years without a cocktail . . .

SOOKIE

Wow, hadn't thought of that.

LORELAI

Glad to shed some much-needed perspective on the situation.

SOOKIE

We'll take care of this today.

RORY

Are you sure you don't need some help?

LANE

Yeah, it's okay. I finally got a really good footing.

RORY

What is that stuff?

LANE

Eggless egg salad. Though this year my mom added food coloring to make the egg-like product look more eggy.

RORY

Smart.

LANE

And every sandwich comes with your own personal pamphlet "Dancing for the Devil," an illustrated look at the effect of dancing on your chances of spending all eternity in hell.

RORY

Boy, her flames are getting really good.

LANE

Well, she just bought a new color printer. You can do a ton of stuff with it.

RORY

Cool.

MRS. KIM

Lane, get scooping! The minute air hits the bread, it starts to stale.

LANE

Okay, Mama.

RORY

I'm gonna stop by later and say hi.

LANE

Please do.

RORY

Bye, Mrs. Kim.

MRS. KIM

You have a pamphlet?

RORY

Yes, I do.

MRS. KIM

Take one to your mother.

NURSE

Next.

LORELAI

Oh, good, just in time.

RORY

Sorry.

LORELAI

Hi there. Um, this is Rory Gilmore and I'm Lorelai Gilmore.

NURSE

Lorelai Gilmore?

LORELAI

Yeah, L – o – r . . .

NURSE

You don't look like you've recently suffered a face-altering car crash.

LORELAI

Uh, excuse me?

NURSE

You're also supposed to have buck teeth, a club foot, and alopecia.

LORELAI

Oh. I'm sorry, who told you this?

NURSE

My husband.

LORELAI

Your husband? Well, who's . . .Stanley Appleman. Your husband is Stanley Appleman.

NURSE

Mmhmm.

LORELAI

Okay, well, it's very nice to meet you. Stanley's said the nicest things about you. In the one tiny short conversation we had, you know, standing way far apart. You know, too far to touch, but close enough to hear all the wonderful things he said about his adorable, sweet-tempered, lovable... can we have someone else do our physical?

TAYLOR

Any couple without a number will be disqualified. All couples must be touching at all times. All couples must remain moving at all times. The only time you may stop moving or stop touching is when you hear this horn. [blows air horn] That sound means you have ten minutes. Ten minutes to get a drink, to eat a snack, take a rest, or whatever it is you can do in ten minutes. And in addition to the ten-minute rest periods, every person participating has been issued a yellow emergency card. In case of emergency, a contestant may hold up the card and leave the floor for ten minutes. If your partner remains on the floor and moving the entire time, then the owner of the yellow card may rejoin them and the contest. First aid is available in Miss Patty's. Please, remember, that if you feel yourself getting lightheaded or having shooting pains or any other stroke-like symptoms, please move off to the side so that your collapse will not get in the way of the other dancers. All right, people, lace your shoes, pin those curls, because we only have three minutes left until we start.

LORELAI

Well, I believe three minutes is plenty of time for some coffee.

RORY

Yes, coffee, please.

LORELAI

Hey, we're dying, load us up.

LUKE

It isn't ready yet.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Mommy.

LORELAI

What do you mean it's not ready? It's six in the morning. Nothing says coffee like six in the morning.

LUKE

You did not get this from me.

LORELAI

Then who do we send our kisses of gratitude to?

LUKE

The eternal question asked yet again.

RORY

Thanks Luke. Strong.

LORELAI

Yeah? Hello.

TAYLOR

All right, folks. Everybody on the floor. We're two minutes away. I repeat, everybody on the floor, we are two minutes away.

KIRK

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Kirk.

KIRK

Good luck to you.

LORELAI

And to you.

LORELAI

He's going down.

RORY

I hate to bring this up.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Kirk has very little in his life.

LORELAI

Uh huh.

RORY

He has no career, no girlfriend, no pet, no car. He lives with his mother, she won't even let him have his own key. The only thing he does have in his whole lonely pathetic existence is this marathon. If we win, if we take him down, if we take away that last little piece of dignity, then we leave him with nothing.

LORELAI

I wonder if he'll cry.

RORY

My mother, the Howard Roark of Stars Hollow.

TAYLOR

All right, everybody, grab your partners, make sure your numbers are securely fastened, and let the countdown begin!

EVERYONE

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

TAYLOR

It's showtime!

BABETTE

I'm done, let's go.

MOREY

Okay.

LORELAI

Hey Kirk, relax. Dancing's supposed to be fun.

KIRK

You know what will be fun, Lorelai? Jogging around your prostrate body with that shiny temple of silver importance hoisted in the air for all to see. That will be fun. [dances away]

LORELAI

Do you think serious Kirk is more disturbing than non-serious Kirk?

RORY

Actually, I think they're both about the same.

LORELAI

Come on.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Follow me.

DEAN

Wow, you guys look great.

RORY

Hey, you came.

DEAN

Hey, you're standing.

LORELAI

Hey, we had coffee.

DEAN

I can tell. So, how's it going?

RORY

Oh, it's been pretty quiet so far. However, I do believe –

ANDREW

[in background] You went out with Liam Neeson! Are you kidding me?

LORELAI

Right on time!

ANDREW

Why would you ever tell me that you went out with Liam Neeson? Why would you do that?

WOMAN

Because I was trying to be honest.

ANDREW

I don't believe that A, you actually went out with Liam Neeson, and B, that you would choose to tell me now at this moment that you went out with Liam Neeson!

WOMAN

Andrew!

ANDREW

No!

WOMAN

Andrew!

ANDREW

I can't stand Liam Neeson! [storms off]

RORY

See, fun!

LORELAI

And no one's even thrown up yet.

DEAN

Okay, well, uh, I'm just gonna go sit over there and watch for awhile. Maybe I'll get lucky.

RORY

Great.

LORELAI

Well, that's sweet. Spectator Ken.

RORY

Just keep dancing, you.

LORELAI

Flip all you want, pal. This ain't the Olympics. It's who's left standing at the end that matters, not how fancy you are getting there.

LORELAI

Let me flip you.

RORY

No way.

LORELAI

Come on!

RORY

You are not flipping me.

LORELAI

Fine.

RORY

Fine.

LORELAI

You flip me.

RORY

No need, you've already flipped.

LORELAI

One cartwheel.

RORY

Silence.

TAYLOR

Unauthorized persons on the dance floor. Unauthorized persons on the dance floor. Security! Security! Security!

LORELAI

Well, look who's suddenly interested in dance.

RORY

Yeah, he's a regular Martha Graham.

LORELAI

[to Rory] Kirk.

RORY

Mm?

RORY

How much longer?

LORELAI

Oh, chin up soldier. We should be getting a break pretty soon.

RORY

I hope so.

JACKSON

Oh good, there she is.

SOOKIE

Jackson, please.

LORELAI

Hey guys.

JACKSON

Well, hey to you, too. Listen, I wanted to ask you, what do you think of my hair?

LORELAI

What?

JACKSON

My hair. How's it look to you? Any opinion?

LORELAI

It looks fine.

SOOKIE

Jackson, you're overacting.

JACKSON

You think? How 'bout you, Lorelai? You think I'm overreacting?

LORELAI

Jackson, what?

LORELAI

Oh my God.

RORY

What, what?

LORELAI

The runaround.

RORY

The runaround? That does not sound good.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, baby. I'm so, so sorry.

TAYLOR

Ladies and Gentlemen, on your marks. . .get set. . .and go!

TAYLOR

Round and round they go, but when the song stops, nobody knows! But the last five couples that finish behind the red line are automatically out, so hold onto your partner and move, move, move!

MISS PATTY

You're getting too much pleasure out of this, Taylor.

JACKSON

Hey Lorelai, just wondering, how's my running? Got an opinion on that?

LORELAI

Jackson, what's going on?

SOOKIE

Nothing. He's mad at me and he's taking it out on you.

JACKSON

Oh, I'm not mad. I just didn't realize that when I married Sookie, I also married you. I didn't realize I was a Mormon, my mistake.

RORY

I need to interject for one second to tell you that I hate you!

LORELAI

Thanks, honey.

SOOKIE

Quit trying to drag Lorelai into this.

JACKSON

Fine, I will. [walks off the dance floor]

SOOKIE

Jackson, wait! Yellow cards, right here! I've got 'em for the both of us. We'll be right back! [follows after him]

TAYLOR

One of you is supposed to stay here. Hey!

RORY

I think I'm going to die.

LORELAI

Me first.

RORY

How much longer?

LORELAI

I don't know. I just know that every year I block this part out.

RORY

From now on I'm going to remind you of it.

LORELAI

Kirk, what are you doing?

KIRK

I'm drafting you.

LORELAI

Well, stop it!

KIRK

You can't tell me where to run!

LORELAI

Kirk, I swear to God, don't make me come back there!

TAYLOR

Ten minute break everyone, ten minute break. Well run. Ten minute break, everyone. Ten minute break.

LORELAI

What are you doing?

RORY

I'm trying to kick you but I can't reach.

LORELAI

I would help you but I can't move.

RORY

Can I owe you one?

LORELAI

Yeah, no problem. Okay, okay, heart returning to normal. I have to go find Jackson and Sookie.

RORY

I'll get us a couple of sandwiches.

LORELAI

Good idea. [they stand up] This is fun, huh?

RORY

Uh huh, big fun.

JESS

So, not dancing?

LANE

Nope.

JESS

Why not? Too cool?

LANE

Go away, Jess. No one asked for a Tony Manero wannabe to drop by.

JESS

Hey, I'm just here for the food.

LANE

[hands him a sandwich] Here, enjoy, buh-bye.

JESS

I noticed Rory's not dancing with Dean.

LANE

Nothing gets past you, does it.

JESS

How come? Trouble in paradise?

LANE

Rory's dancing with her mother. Nothing's wrong with her and Dean, and you're blocking my sandwiches from the rest of the room.

JESS

I know. They're erecting a statue to me in the park next week.

MRS. KIM

Who are you?

JESS

Jess... ma'am.

MRS. KIM

[to Lane] Scoop more.

RORY

The sandwiches are for the dancers.

JESS

I'm dancing on the inside.

RORY

What are you doing here?

JESS

I live here.

RORY

You have nothing better to do than to sit around inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon?

JESS

I don't know. [to Dean] Do you have nothing better to do than sit inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon?

DEAN

I wouldn't direct any sort of comment toward me if I were you.

JESS

I'm just trying to support my town.

RORY

Good, then go back to New York.

JESS

Ooh. Zing. I've been snapped.

RORY

You think you're bugging me sitting in front of me staring like that?

JESS

You think you're bugging me dancing in front of me staring like that?

RORY

I'm not staring at you.

JESS

Then how do you know I'm staring at you?

RORY

I am dancing. I cannot control where my glance goes. And the few moments that I can control it, my glance goes to Dean, not to you.

JESS

So you can't control when you look at me, but you have to force yourself to look at him? Sorry, man. That's cold.

DEAN

My former comment still stands.

RORY

Go home.

JESS

No, thanks.

RORY

Then get out of my way.

JESS

Didn't realize I was in your way. There you go. It's all yours. God help you.

SHANE

Where did you go? I've been sitting out there for twenty minutes.

JESS

The break's only for ten.

SHANE

It's just a saying.

JESS

I came to get food.

SHANE

Good, I'm starved.

RORY

The food is for the dancers.

SHANE

Who are you, Bobby Brady? Get a life.

JESS

Rory's feeling a little territorial today.

SHANE

Whatever. God, what is this thing?

DEAN

Rory, get your stuff and let's go.

JESS

Ooh, that was good. Now say 'then get in there and make me my supper.'

RORY

I got 'em.

DEAN

Come on.

JESS

See you in there. [they leave] I'm gonna get a soda.

LORELAI

Have you seen Sookie and Jackson?

LUKE

Nope.

LORELAI

I've looked everywhere for them.

LUKE

Have you tried the insane asylum where everybody in this room is supposed to be?

JACKSON

Okay, I need to say something here.

LORELAI

Oh, I've been looking all over for you.

SOOKIE

I wish you would just drop this.

JACKSON

Contrary to your belief, there are some things in life that you do not have the right to have an opinion on.

LORELAI

What?

JACKSON

And the rate at which I have kids and the amount of kids I wish to have falls directly under that category

LORELAI

Sookie, what did you tell him?

SOOKIE

Okay, you see, once again, my communication skills – not so good.

LORELAI

Jackson, I didn't mean to get involved in any of this.

JACKSON

No? Telling Sookie that she needs to immediately inform me that four in four is crazy?

LORELAI

Aw, Sookie.

SOOKIE

Yeah, it did come out something like that.

LORELAI

Aw man.

LUKE

What's four in four?

LORELAI

Four kids in four years.

LUKE

That is crazy.

JACKSON

Oh good, yes, let's open this up to even more discussion.

LUKE

One kid in four years is crazy.

JACKSON

Hey.

LUKE

Sorry, go ahead, drop another sucker in this mess.

LORELAI

Okay, raise your hand if you're not helping.

JACKSON

Does anyone here understand that a man has a right not to have his personal life debated in a public forum? I am not Winona Ryder.

SOOKIE

Well, I know that.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, Jackson, I didn't mean –

JACKSON

My child-bearing arrangements are between me and Sookie.

LUKE

And the Lord. Still not helping?

SOOKIE

Jackson, just please calm down.

JACKSON

I will calm down. I'll calm down at home.

SOOKIE

But what about the contest?

JACKSON

To hell with the contest! I'm quitting the contest. That is, if it's okay with Lorelai, or Luke, or that strange man in the corner who I've never met. Excuse me, strange man in the corner? Is it okay if I quit this contest? [storms off]

SOOKIE

I'm so sorry. I got tongue-tied and things just started coming out and I couldn't stop them and. . .

LORELAI

Go.

SOOKIE

Jackson, honey, wait! [runs after him]

LUKE

Oh, they're gonna make great parents.

TAYLOR

All dancers back on the dance floor. All dancers back on the dance floor.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Let's go.

TAYLOR

And then I'd say 'what is this in your ear' and I'd pull out a bright shiny penny and then whole room would laugh and clap.

MISS PATTY

Yeah, I'm sure they did, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Yeah. Have you ever levitated a rottweiler?

MISS PATTY

No.

TAYLOR

Not easy. But in a cape with a wand and a shiny black top hat...

TAYLOR

What are you doing?

MISS PATTY

Well, I was just. . .

TAYLOR

You tried to take my megaphone.

MISS PATTY

No, I just didn't want you to drop it.

TAYLOR

No one touches my megaphone. No one.

MISS PATTY

What do you mean –

TAYLOR

Guards!

MISS PATTY

- no one touches your megaphone?

TAYLOR

Guards!

MISS PATTY

[pokes the megaphone] How's that. . .take that!

TAYLOR

Hey! Hey!

LORELAI

Tell me a joke.

RORY

Knock knock.

LORELAI

[giggles] That was a good one. Ow!

RORY

You okay?

LORELAI

Oh no!

RORY

What?

LORELAI

My heel broke.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

My heel just broke off. Damn, these are brand new shoes, too.

RORY

They were made in 1943.

LORELAI

Well, I just bought them Tuesday.

RORY

I told you not to wear vintage shoes.

LORELAI

But the lady at the store said that they hadn't been worn a lot.

RORY

Yeah, but not a lot in sixty years is still a lot.

LORELAI

I gotta fix 'em. I'll use my emergency card. I'll be right back.

RORY

No, stop. If you leave, there's no way I'll be able to stand up on my own.

LORELAI

Ten minutes.

RORY

Nighty-night.

LORELAI

Fine, hold on. Dean, come here! Dean!

RORY

What are you doing?

DEAN

Is everything okay?

LORELAI

Yeah, it's great. Stand here.

DEAN

Whoa.

LORELAI

Look, I'll be back in ten minutes. Do not let her stop or lay down, do you understand me?

DEAN

But I –

LORELAI

I need you, Dean. The team needs you.

DEAN

What team?

LORELAI

Pick a team – it needs you. I'll be right back.

RORY

I'm really sorry about this.

DEAN

Yeah, uh, it's okay.

RORY

Are you sure?

DEAN

Yeah. Actually, it's not bad at all.

LUKE

[to woman on the bleachers] I think that one's a goner, Miss.

LORELAI

Hey, my shoe broke.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

I need you to fix it.

LUKE

Do I look like a cobbler to you?

LORELAI

If I say yes, will you fix my shoe?

LUKE

Let me see it.

LORELAI

I only have ten minutes – please.

LUKE

I think I have some glue back at the diner.

LORELAI

Glue, yes – we love glue!

LUKE

I wouldn't say that too loudly if I were you.

LORELAI

Thank you.

SOOKIE

Hey. Are you guys out?

LORELAI

No, my shoe broke. Luke's fixing it.

SOOKIE

Oh, good. Listen, I just feel terrible about what happened.

LORELAI

I know. How's Jackson?

SOOKIE

Oh, he's fine. We went home, and he calmed down, and we talked. He totally understands and he's open to anything I want.

LORELAI

That's great.

SOOKIE

Now, tell me what I want.

LORELAI

No way.

SOOKIE

But I'm not sure.

LORELAI

Then flip a coin 'cause I am staying so far out of this.

SOOKIE

You're my best friend.

LORELAI

Yes, I am, and I can only remain your best friend as long as Jackson doesn't kill me.

SOOKIE

Lorelai. . .

LORELAI

Sookie, he's a produce man. They'll never find the body, but the squash will be especially chatty that year.

SOOKIE

Okay, fair enough.

LORELAI

Hey, take your time. That's it. That's all I have to say.

SOOKIE

Thank you.

LUKE

Got it.

LORELAI

Ah, good.

SOOKIE

Well, I'm going home to figure out what I want. Good luck. Call me tomorrow.

LORELAI

I will.

LUKE

So, how's that situation going?

LORELAI

Oh, it'll be okay.

LUKE

Good. Uh, listen, uh, I didn't really mean all that stuff I said earlier.

LORELAI

What stuff?

LUKE

Uh, the kid stuff, you know.

LORELAI

Oh, it's no big deal.

LUKE

Yeah, I know, I just. . .I'm not really as anti-kid as I might have come off.

LORELAI

Drop another sucker in. . .

LUKE

Okay, yes. I don't always have the patience for 'em. They tend to be a little squishy, and that freaks me out a little.

LORELAI

You don't have to want kids, Luke. Or like kids. It's not for everybody.

LUKE

I know, but. . .although I'm quite happy going an entire day without having to deal with somebody else's bodily functions, if I ever happen to meet the right person. . .well, it would be a discussion.

LORELAI

A discussion.

LUKE

Yes. Probably a short discussion, but still. Here, hold this. So what about you – you ever think about having another kid?

LORELAI

Oh, I don't know how much fun it would be without biology finals and headgear... but sure, if I ever happen to meet the right person, another kid might be nice.

LUKE

Your shoe'll be ready in a minute

LORELAI

Thank you.

DAVE

One sandwich please.

LANE

Hi.

DAVE

Hi.

LANE

What are you doing here?

DAVE

Uh, well, you mentioned this thing last time we talked and it sounded very Blue Velvet so I figured I would come by and check it out.

LANE

What do you think?

DAVE

Uh, I think you held back.

LANE

Yeah, well...

DAVE

Anyhow, I hadn't seen you in awhile, and I thought I'd come down and maybe we could figure something out on this band issue.

LANE

Sure, we could do that.

DAVE

Plus, I missed you.

LANE

You did? You missed me?

DAVE

Well, yeah. Did you miss me?

LANE

Oh, yeah, definitely. I definitely, definitely missed you.

DAVE

Glad and relieved to hear it.

MRS. KIM

Who are you, what do you want?

LANE

Mama.

MRS. KIM

Do you know this boy?

LANE

Well –

DAVE

Uh, no, actually, I just heard a bunch of people talking outside about the sandwiches and I thought that I would come in and maybe try one. I'm sorry, may I? [Mrs. Kim hands him a sandwich] Thank you. [takes a bite] That's delicious.

LANE

Really?

DAVE

May I have another one for later please?

MRS. KIM

Yes, that's fine. Take another one.

DAVE

Thank you. You know, my parents would love these sandwiches. I wish I could bring 'em by but unfortunately they're in private bible study right now.

MRS. KIM

Bible study?

DAVE

Say, how long are you serving?

MRS. KIM

Why?

DAVE

Well, I thought that if they got out in time I could bring 'em on over.

MRS. KIM

Well, the bread is only good for another twenty minutes, after that there's no point. You chip a tooth.

DAVE

Okay. So if I can get my parents back here in twenty minutes, then you'll still be serving, but in thirty you're done?

MRS. KIM

That's right.

DAVE

Great. So if for some reason I'm not back here in twenty minutes, that means that I'm gonna be over there, on the church steps, waiting for my parents to get out so that I can tell them about the great sandwiches that they missed. Okay? Okay, great. Thanks a lot and I hope to see you soon. [leaves]

MRS. KIM

I hope he comes back. He seemed hungry.

RORY

He's still there.

DEAN

What?

RORY

Jess. He's still there. I can't believe he's still there.

DEAN

Just ignore him.

RORY

Yeah. You know, this is a dance marathon. You're not supposed to come and sit and watch, you're supposed to dance. He's just trying to bug me, sitting there right in front of me, staring. Jerk.

SHANE

I'm bored.

JESS

Okay.

RORY

There they go again! God, I swear, why can't they just get a room? Or forget a room – get a park bench, or a doorway, or even a strategically placed telephone pole would probably suffice. I mean, girls like Shane – what is it with them? Don't they see what they look like? I know they have mirrors.

JESS

Hey, you talking about me?

RORY

No.

JESS

I heard you mention Shane.

RORY

Shane isn't you.

JESS

Shane concerns me.

RORY

Shane concerns me, too – and all women, for that matter.

JESS

You got a problem here?

RORY

Nope. Just a little sick of seeing the two of you sitting there. If you're not gonna participate, then why don't you just leave?

SHANE

That works for me. Let's go.

JESS

No.

RORY

Why not?

JESS

Because I'm not ready to go.

RORY

Oh really?

JESS

Yes, really. I'm gonna sit here as long as I like, and I'm gonna do whatever I like, and if you don't like it, then just ignore me and pay attention to your boyfriend.

DEAN

Sorry, she can't. I'm not her boyfriend anymore.

RORY

What?

DEAN

You know, I tried to ignore this. I really did, but I don't know what the hell I was thinking.

RORY

What are you talking about?

DEAN

You don't wanna be with me, Rory.

RORY

Yes, I do.

DEAN

Oh, please! You've been into him since he got to town, and I have spent weeks – months, actually – trying to convince myself that it wasn't true, that everything was fine between us. But now I know that I was an idiot. You're into him and he's into you, and Shane, who by the way, should be listening to this 'cause it's so damn obvious.

RORY

What's obvious? What did I do?

DEAN

Everyone can see, Rory! Everyone. And I'm tired, but I'm over it, so go ahead, go. Be together. There's nothing standing in your way now, 'cause I'm out.

TAYLOR

I don't see a yellow card. I don't see a yellow card. Excuse me, young lady. . .whose name I don't remember right now... ugh, no one listens to me.

MISS PATTY

I know, honey.

JESS

Dean's a jerk. Yelling at you like that, breaking up in front of everybody. . .the guy's a total jerk.

RORY

No, he's not. He's right. Everything he said. All those things about you and me, all those things about me lying to him, and messing with his head. He was right. Well, wasn't he? Fine, he was right about me, then. Now go away.

JESS

He was right... about all of it.

RORY

So, what now?

JESS

You're definitely broken up with Dean?

RORY

Yeah, I'm definitely broken up with Dean.

JESS

Okay. I have to go take care of something then.

KIRK

They're out! They're out! We won! We won! [runs over to Miss Patty and wakes her up]

MISS PATTY

Oh, oh, oh. Taylor, wake up! It's over. Taylor, blow the horn.

TAYLOR

[asleep on some chairs] . . .a quarter right out of your ear.

MISS PATTY

Taylor, the horn. Oh, for Pete's Sake. [Patty blows the air horn] Okay, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner!

LORELAI

Wait, what are you doing? I'm here, I'm standing, I used my yellow card!

KIRK

I win, I win! I win, I win, I win, I win!

LORELAI

You didn't win! I'm still here! Patty, where's Rory?

MISS PATTY

Oh, she ran off the floor a little while ago, honey.

LORELAI

What? No!

KIRK

Yes!

MISS PATTY

For the fifth year in a row, ladies and gentlemen, the marathon winner is Donna Delain and Kirk!

LORELAI

Rory, what happened? Where did you go? [sees that Rory is crying] Oh, Rory, honey! Oh.