T3E8: “Let the Games Begin”

LORELAI

Mmkay, still walking, all's good. Huh. Mmkay.

RORY

How are you?

LORELAI

I should probably keep moving.

RORY

God, my feet have never been in this much pain before.

LORELAI

Oh yeah, what about that time?

RORY

What time?

LORELAI

The time when I did the thing and your feet were... gotta stop.

RORY

Gotta sit.

RORY

Ugh. What were you saying?

LORELAI

About what?

RORY

About my feet.

LORELAI

What about your feet?

RORY

I don't know. You were talking about the thing you did to my feet.

LORELAI

What thing?

RORY

The thing that you... you and... huh?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

I don't know.

LORELAI

Just an observation – you and I do not function well on a funky sleeping pattern.

RORY

I feel jet-lagged.

LORELAI

You've been up twenty-four hours straight.

RORY

Yes, why did I do that?

LORELAI

Because I asked you to.

RORY

And that worked?

LORELAI

At the time. I don't expect it to again.

RORY

A realist, I like that.

LORELAI

How far is Luke's?

RORY

It's right over there.

LORELAI

It looks far.

RORY

Very far.

LORELAI

Maybe if we concentrate really hard, our combined psychic powers will move it closer.

RORY

I don't think it's working.

LORELAI

It's my fault, I'm not focusing.

RORY

Yes, that must be why we can't move a half a city block closer to us.

LORELAI

All right then, let's go. On the count of three.

LORELAI

Oh my God. Thank you.

RORY

I never realized Luke's was a hundred miles away.

LORELAI

We're lucky it wasn't snowing. It would've been The Donner Party all over again, but with slightly better hair. Why are you sitting over there?

RORY

Where?

LORELAI

At that table.

RORY

Huh. How did I get here?

LORELAI

You sat there.

RORY

Well, this chair's very close to that chair, so you understand how I could've made the mistake.

LORELAI

Move over here with me.

RORY

Why don't you move over here with me?

LORELAI

Because I'm not the one who sat in the wrong chair.

RORY

I think it's a little presumptuous to assume that my chair is the wrong chair when my chair could just as easily be the right chair.

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Because I'm the leader of the clan, the provider of the household, the alpha male, and the one whose feet just fell asleep so there's absolutely no chance of movement.

RORY

Fine.

LORELAI

Thank you. See, it's nice sitting at the grown-up table, isn't it?

RORY

Uh huh.

KIRK

Oh, excuse me, did my trophy bump you?

LORELAI

No, Kirk, it didn't.

KIRK

Good, because the size of it is so large that sometimes I can't judge where the exact end of it is.

LORELAI

We're fine, Kirk.

KIRK

I'm glad, because these shiny golden edges are actually very sharp. They could take an eye out or cause a deep gash completely unintentionally.

LORELAI

Uh huh.

KIRK

It's almost more a weapon than a trophy.

LORELAI

Really? Can I hold it, then?

LUKE

Get out of the way, Kirk. You're blocking the door.

KIRK

Luke, I'll be needing one of your larger tables this morning, since your smaller tables simply cannot accommodate the sheer size of my massive trophy.

LUKE

Put it on the floor.

KIRK

It needs its own chair.

LUKE

It's gonna need some glue if you don't sit down pretty soon.

KIRK

Everybody hates a winner.

LORELAI

Hey, how 'bout one person gets pancakes and one person gets eggs and then we can share?

RORY

I can't, I have to go.

LORELAI

What are you talking about? It's –

LORELAI

[gasps] It took us thirty minutes to get here?

RORY

Lots of limping.

LORELAI

Wow, shoot. Well, at least grab a donut before you go. Hey, unh, Luke, uh, we need a couple of donuts, and, uh, some of those extra legs Heather Mills is sending over to Croatia.

LUKE

Coming right up.

JESS

Hi.

RORY

Hey.

JESS

Hi.

LORELAI

Hi.

JESS

Hi.

LUKE

Hi.

RORY

I have to get to school.

JESS

Yeah, me too.

RORY

Bye

JESS

Bye. Bye.

LORELAI

Bye.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Bye.

RORY

Bye.

LUKE

Bye.

LUKE

What the hell was that?

LORELAI

That was episode one of Rory and Jess: The Early Years.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Rory and Jess are together.

LUKE

Are you serious? What about Dean?

LORELAI

Dean and Rory broke up at the dance.

LUKE

They did? I was at the dance, how come I didn't know about this?

LORELAI

Because you're you.

LUKE

But why, what happened?

LORELAI

Jess happened.

LUKE

Wow, wow. So...

LORELAI

Yup.

LUKE

Wow. Well, this is great.

LORELAI

I'll tell Dean you said that.

LUKE

You know what I mean, Rory and Jess, Jess and Rory. I think this is great. Don't you think this is great?

LORELAI

I think Rory's seventeen and it's probably about time for a Jess.

LUKE

Look, I know Jess is a little tough sometimes, but he likes Rory and Rory's a good kid, hopefully she'll rub off on him.

LORELAI

You know what, I've spent a lot of time and energy fighting the whole Jess thing. Rory's made her choice, I want her to be happy. I'm just hoping for the best at this point.

LUKE

Very romantic.

LORELAI

Says the man who yelled "Finally!" at the end of Love Story.

LUKE

I'll get you coffee.

LORELAI

Thank you very much.

EMILY

Do it again, please! [walks to her seat at the table] I'm not quite sure what other way there is to say 'no walnuts in the salad' except to say 'no walnuts in the salad.'

LORELAI

Mom, she just made a mistake.

EMILY

She doesn't listen, she doesn't care, she has no work ethic.

LORELAI

She has some work ethic. You made her remake the salad four times.

EMILY

I like things done correctly.

RICHARD

Preferably the first time.

EMILY

Thank you, Richard.

LORELAI

You know, Mom, in Europe, they eat the salad last and the main course first.

EMILY

We're not in Europe.

LORELAI

We could pretend.

EMILY

Really, Lorelai, you can't wait ten minutes for another salad? The situation's that dire?

LORELAI

Four salads ago, no, not dire. Right now it's 'your money for nothing and your chicks for free.'

EMILY

Rory?

RORY

She didn't have lunch.

EMILY

Fine.

RICHARD

Where are you going?

EMILY

Apparently, we're going to be European tonight.

RICHARD

Oh, wonderful. I was getting so tired of being American day after day after day.

LORELAI

God, I'm starved.

RORY

Think about something else.

LORELAI

Like what?

RORY

Something disgusting that will take your appetite away.

LORELAI

Ari Fleischer?

RICHARD

Ari Fleischer is our nation's mouthpiece, young lady.

LORELAI

Officially not hungry now.

EMILY

Liliana will be right out with the sand dabs. I'm afraid we're going to have to let her go, Richard.

RICHARD

Oh, if that's how you feel, Emily.

LORELAI

You're firing someone over putting walnuts in a salad?

EMILY

I'm going to fire someone over putting walnuts in the salad after she was told not to put walnuts in the salad.

LORELAI

Mom, you know, if you're not a little nicer to your help, you might find yourself in a Frank Lloyd Wright situation.

RICHARD

Frank Lloyd Wright?

EMILY

What on earth does Frank Lloyd Wright have to do with my salad?

RICHARD

And your walnuts.

LORELAI

Mrs. Wright apparently had this major problem with her help. She was very rough on them and they totally hated her. So this guy who had worked for her forever, he had finally had enough. I believe the incident was over walnuts, wasn't it, honey?

RORY

The exact cause has not been proven.

LORELAI

Anyhow, Mrs. Wright invites this whole posse of people over for dinner and they're all sitting around eating, and Mr. Disgruntled Servant Guy goes outside and locks all the doors and windows and douses the whole house in gasoline and sets the place on fire.

EMILY

My goodness.

LORELAI

So the house is on fire, and people are freaking out, so they run to the doors but the doors are locked, so a few of them try to get out through the windows, but Mr. Angry-Puss is standing outside with an ax hacking them to death and so they all died.

EMILY

Why on earth would you tell me that story?

LORELAI

All I'm saying is sometimes eating a walnut is preferable to getting hacked to death or set on fire during dinner.

EMILY

One of these days I'm going to make you eat in your room.

RORY

I'm going to go get myself another soda. Would anyone else like something?

LORELAI

I'd like a big bag of walnuts, and make sure you tell her they're for me.

RICHARD

I believe I need a little more ice. Emily, are you fine?

EMILY

Yes, Richard, I'm fine, thank you.

EMILY

Oh, stop that!

RICHARD

Did you find it?

RORY

Yes, I did.

RICHARD

Good, good. Ah, here we are, ice. And... chocolates.

RORY

Bless you.

RICHARD

So, tell me, how's it going at school?

RORY

It's good. It's crazy.

RICHARD

Senior year.

RORY

Yup.

RICHARD

Preparing for college can be a daunting task. I remember when I was preparing for Yale.

RORY

Bad?

RICHARD

I don't believe I slept the entire year. I didn't even cut my hair for two months.

RORY

Grandpa!

RICHARD

Oh, yes, it was quite a scandal. But in the end, it was all worth it.

RORY

Yeah?

RICHARD

My years at Yale were absolutely the most gratifying ones of my life. Just the sheer freedom of knowing that anything I wanted to learn, I could learn right there. Plus, the history of the place, the heritage... my father went to Yale.

RORY

I know.

RICHARD

I also made wonderful friends there. Friends I still have today.

RORY

That must be nice.

RICHARD

I'm going to be going back there next week. There's going to be a little reunion of the Whiffenpoofs.

RORY

I'm sorry, the what?

RICHARD

It's an a cappella singing group I belonged to at Yale.

RORY

A singing group?

RICHARD

A very famous singing group, actually. Like the Beatles, but with better table manners.

RORY

I've never heard you sing.

RICHARD

Well, I'm no Perry Como, but my shower hasn't kicked me out yet. Anyway, a group of us are going to get together at the old alma mater and have a little dinner, swap some war stories.

RORY

Sounds fun.

MAID

Excuse me.

RORY

Uh, did you see what I just saw?

RICHARD

Walnuts.

RORY

Poor Grandma.

RICHARD

Poor us. You know, you might wanna come with me next week.

RORY

Come with you where?

RICHARD

To Yale.

RORY

What?

RICHARD

Oh, I don't mean to the dinner, that would be boring for you, but you might enjoy seeing the school.

RORY

Well –

RICHARD

Your mother could come to. It would be a fun little adventure.

RORY

Wow.

RICHARD

We could drive down, have a little roadside snack, get there about noon. Have a little tour, and then the two of you girls could go off and have fun, and the old folks can have a somber little dinner. I think you'd love to see it. I certainly would love to show it to you.

RORY

Well... sure, Grandpa. That would be nice.

RICHARD

Wonderful. Oh, I'm thrilled. Uh, do you wanna tell your mother or shall I?

RORY

Oh, you know what, I can tell her.

RICHARD

All right, you tell her. [the maid rushes past them again] Looks like we're gonna need a few more of these.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Okay, I officially vote that we send my mother an anonymous note requesting that she never make us the sand dabs again.

RORY

I'm not sure how anonymous it would be considering she said we were the first people she ever made them for.

RORY

I have to tell you something.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

Grandpa talked to me tonight.

RORY

Why'd you turn the car off?

LORELAI

I'm just getting the sense that I shouldn't be driving a large vehicle when you tell me this.

RORY

It's no big deal.

LORELAI

Uh huh.

RORY

It's not.

LORELAI

Then tell me.

RORY

Okay. Um, well, Grandpa was mentioning that he and Grandma are going on a trip next week, a driving trip somewhere, and he invited me to go. And you. He invited you and me to go on a trip with him and Grandma.

LORELAI

Where?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Where's the driving trip to?

RORY

Yale.

RORY

Mom? Mom, wait.

LORELAI

No, it's okay, I got it.

RORY

He's going for some nostalgia thing. For a reunion of, I don't know, the Whiffenhoofs.

LORELAI

Poofs.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Whiffenpoofs.

RORY

Not much better.

LORELAI

I totally agree.

RORY

Well, he got all sentimental and he really just wants to show me the campus. It's no big deal.

LORELAI

It's a huge deal.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

There's a reason he wants to drag you out there, Rory. He's manipulating you. Trust me, I know, he's a master at it.

RORY

Okay, fine, maybe he is, but he really wants me to go, I can tell. And you don't have to go. I mean, he invited you and I would really love it if you could come, but really, you can stay home. Just please don't make a big thing out of this. This doesn't have to be a fight.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

We go. We look. Hi Yale. Bye Yale. It's over. No harm, no foul.

LORELAI

How many more two-word sentences can you come up with?

RORY

You know, it doesn't have to be a total loss.

LORELAI

Look, as she's leading me back to the car.

RORY

I'm sure you and I can figure out a fun thing to do while they're off at dinner, some cool road trip thing.

LORELAI

In New Haven?

RORY

Well, yeah.

LORELAI

Sweetie, have you ever been to New Haven?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Take a look at the coffee pot tomorrow before I clean it, that's New Haven.

RORY

We can make it fun. It would mean a lot to the grandparents, everybody wins.

LORELAI

Rory, listen to me.

RORY

I know, I am being manipulated. This is part of Grandpa's evil plan to take over my life, abolish my free will, pull me in into the Gilmore world, dress me in pearls, and ruin my life. Did I leave anything out?

LORELAI

Mm, let me see... manipulate, evil plan, no free will, pearls – no, I think you about covered it. Oh, wait – did you call my father the Puppet Master?

RORY

No, I did not.

LORELAI

Always call him the Puppet Master.

RORY

I will never make that mistake again.

KIRK

Luke, where's your lost and found?

LUKE

Out back in the dumpster.

KIRK

I need your help. I don't know what to do. I'm shaking like a spastic colon.

LUKE

What's the matter, Kirk?

KIRK

My trophy's gone.

LUKE

What?

KIRK

Someone took her.

LUKE

Kirk.

KIRK

The last time I remember seeing her, she was next to me at the movies.

LUKE

Stop calling it she.

KIRK

I retraced my steps all day and nothing. I suspect foul play.

LUKE

Foul play?

KIRK

Kidnapping, possibly.

LUKE

Well, then, I think you should go to the police, and if they mention something about staying somewhere for observation, it's just routine.

RORY

Hey Kirk.

KIRK

Rory. [looks into her backpack]

RORY

What are you doing?

KIRK

Where were you this morning at about ten?

RORY

At school.

KIRK

Do you have any witnesses?

RORY

Yes.

KIRK

Can you get them to make a short statement?

RORY

No.

KIRK

Oh, well, okay. [leaves]

RORY

Someone took his statue again.

LUKE

Yeah, yeah.

RORY

Every year.

LUKE

Well, there's some things in life that never let you down. So...

RORY

So...

LUKE

It's nice to see you, Rory.

RORY

It's nice to see you, too, Luke.

LUKE

So, table for one?

RORY

Um, I'll just sit at the counter.

LUKE

Okay. What can I get you?

RORY

Um, I guess I'll have a cheeseburger.

LUKE

Hey Jess, look who's here – Rory.

JESS

Hi.

RORY

Hi.

LUKE

Okay, time to add another word. Jess, you want something to eat?

JESS

I'm not hungry.

RORY

Oh, yeah, I'm not hungry either.

LUKE

What about the burger?

RORY

Oh, well... could you wrap it up? I'm gonna eat it later. I actually prefer burgers after they've been sitting around for awhile. Let's them age.

LUKE

Okay.

JESS

You know, I've got that book upstairs.

RORY

Oh, the book we talked about?

JESS

Yup.

RORY

Great.

JESS

We could go upstairs and look at it.

RORY

Look at the book, sure. Let's go upstairs and look at the book.

JESS

Okay.

RORY

Okay.

JESS

So, here we are.

RORY

Yup, here we are. Wow, I haven't seen it since you guys redid it.

JESS

Oh yeah.

RORY

It's bigger.

JESS

Ripping a wall down can have that effect on a room

RORY

Yeah. That part, over there.

JESS

That's mine.

RORY

Yeah.

JESS

Yeah. You want a soda?

RORY

No, I'm fine.

JESS

Okay. You sure you don't want a soda?

RORY

Yeah, I'm sure.

JESS

Please let me get you a soda. I gotta do something other than stand here like a moron.

RORY

Take comfort in the fact that you are not doing it alone.

JESS

Okay, let's just regroup here.

RORY

Yeah, regroup.

JESS

First of all, we should try to get within, say, a foot of each other.

RORY

Okay. I think that's about a foot.

JESS

Huh, that school of yours is really paying off.

RORY

So, now what?

JESS

Now we should...

RORY

Well, I think we either need to get a little closer or need to warm up.

JESS

Okay. Hi.

RORY

Hi.

LUKE

I got the burger.

RORY

Thank you.

LUKE

I also threw in some fries.

RORY

Fries, great. I love fries. Okay, um, Jess, thank you for... um, your... um – I gotta go. [leaves]

LUKE

What was going on up here?

JESS

Nothing.

LUKE

Nothing? I walk in here and the two of you are like shrapnel.

JESS

Your timing is perfect, by the way. Next time I'll hang a sock on the door.

LUKE

Hey, there will be no hanging of socks on the door in my house, do you hear me?

JESS

Relax, I was kidding.

LUKE

Oh, really? Hanging socks on doors – that's your idea of funny.

JESS

Depending on the sock design, could be hilarious.

LUKE

Okay, that's it, sit down.

JESS

Why?

LUKE

It's time to lay down a few ground rules, sit. All right, first off, when she is up here, that door stays open.

JESS

Excuse me?

LUKE

You are not allowed on either end of this apartment. You are, instead, to remain here in the middle portion of the room. You may sit on the couch or on the chair, as long as you two are sitting on separate seats, i.e. when you're on the couch, then she's on the chair. When she's on the couch, then you're on the chair.

JESS

I get it, thank you.

LUKE

On weekdays, you will have her home by nine. On weekends, you will have her home by eleven. Any evidence of alcohol, cigarette smoke, or anything else that Nancy Reagan would find unacceptable and you will not be allowed near her without an adult present. Are these rules clear?

JESS

Yes.

LUKE

Good.

JESS

May I speak?

LUKE

If you must.

JESS

Do you want me to have you committed or would you prefer to check yourself in?

LUKE

I'm not joking here, mister.

JESS

You know you're my guardian, not hers, right?

LUKE

You don't need a guardian.

JESS

She tried to kiss me.

LUKE

Jess.

JESS

She did that thing where you stretch and then you put your arm around the other person's shoulder and then you sneeze and then your hand falls and you try to grab –

LUKE

Jess, stop it.

JESS

What do you think is gonna happen?

LUKE

You know what I think is gonna happen.

JESS

No, I don't. Tell me. Tell me what I'm gonna do to her.

LUKE

You're not gonna do anything to her because when you're at her place, there's Lorelai, and when you're here, there's me, and when you're out there, there's Taylor.

JESS

Romeo and Juliet had warring families and they still managed to do a little damage, you know?

LUKE

Well, as soon as I catch you in a pair of tights, I'll get worried. Until then, do your homework.

LORELAI

Rory, let's move! They'll be here any minute.

RORY

I'll be right there.

LORELAI

And make sure to bring an extra coat.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Do not ask why. It's Gilmore road rules, trust me.

RORY

But that doesn't make any sense. We're only gonna be gone for one day.

LORELAI

Yeah, do me a favor, say those exact words to my mother when she shows up.

RORY

Taking the coat.

LORELAI

Now, I have been doing some research on our trip.

RORY

Oh yeah?

LORELAI

Yeah. I went to the bookstore and I found this. [shows Rory a very thin book]

RORY

"The Best of New Haven."

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

It's light.

LORELAI

It's New Haven. Anyhow, I looked through it and it just so happens that one of the best taco places on the East Coast is ten minutes from campus.

RORY

We like tacos.

LORELAI

Yes, we do. [reads] "You haven't had a taco until you've spent some time at Hector's, crisp and meaty – "

RORY

Dirty.

LORELAI

Thank you. "Not greasy. With homemade tortillas, it elevates this fast finger food to the level of haute cuisine."

RORY

Sounds good.

LORELAI

Yeah, so I thought maybe when Dad was busy poofing it up, we could go say hello to Hector.

RORY

I like your thinking.

LORELAI

Good. Where's your stuff?

RORY

I put the extra coat by the door.

LORELAI

Yeah, I know, but where's your stuff?

RORY

What stuff?

LORELAI

Rory, I left a list on your dresser last night.

RORY

I thought you were kidding.

LORELAI

You didn't pack?

RORY

Well –

LORELAI

Rory, let me explain something to you. The way you survive a road trip with my mother is to make sure you have all your bases covered, leave nothing to chance. Never give her the opportunity to give you a thirty-minute lecture on how, if you'd brought the second bathing suit like she told you to, it wouldn't have mattered that the first one's strap broke in a freak poolslide incident that no one, including the Amazing Kreskin, could've predicted, you would've been covered.

RORY

I have to bring a bathing suit? It's thirty degrees outside.

LORELAI

This was an example based on a true story. Now, get a skirt to go with this.

RORY

But I'm still confused. When are we changing?

LORELAI

Not the point.

RORY

We're driving, we're walking, we're eating tacos, and we're driving again.

LORELAI

Check the list.

RORY

Why do I need rain boots?

LORELAI

Why are you still questioning me?

RORY

Should I bring both a rain hat and an umbrella, or will one or the other do? Forget it, stupid question.

LORELAI

Oh wow. I guess this means there really isn't a Dean anymore, huh?

RORY

Yeah, that and it broke in the shower this morning. Though I probably would've taken it off anyway.

LORELAI

Or Jess would've done it for you.

RORY

What did that mean?

LORELAI

It just meant Jess wouldn't want you wearing another guy's bracelet.

RORY

Or that Jess is a thief and he would've stolen it.

LORELAI

It does work on both levels, doesn't it?

RORY

So this is how it's gonna be from now on?

LORELAI

What does that mean?

RORY

You like Dean and you hate Jess.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

Jess will always be the evil guy who mouthed off to you and wrecked my car and Dean will always be the perfect guy who would come over and change the water bottle.

LORELAI

Aw, I forgot about the water bottle.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Rory, I said nothing. I didn't mean what you thought I meant about Jess. I'm trying to be supportive about this.

RORY

How supportive?

LORELAI

Supportive. You know, go team.

RORY

I'm serious, I wanna know how it's gonna be. Like, can I invite him over?

LORELAI

Of course you can invite him over.

RORY

Well, can he actually come into the house?

LORELAI

Yes, he can come into the house.

RORY

Are you going to talk to him?

LORELAI

Oh my God.

RORY

Are you going to talk to him?

LORELAI

I'll at least match him grunt for grunt.

RORY

Okay. Now, let's say he's in the house and there's a fire, and you can either save him or your shoes – which is it?

LORELAI

That depends – did he start the fire?

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Rory, I promised you before and I'm promising you again, I will cut this kid all kinds of slack. Did I like Dean? Yes. Did I worry about you less when you were with Dean? Yes. But I never expected you to be with Dean forever, just like I don't expect you to be with Jess forever.

RORY

Oh, so now you're just waiting for the day I'm not with Jess anymore, is that it?

LORELAI

You know what, I'm actually looking forward to my mother getting here.

RORY

I'm kidding and thank you.

LORELAI

You're annoying, and you're welcome. [doorbell rings] Let the games begin.

EMILY

Your drivers have arrived.

RORY

Hi Grandma, hi Grandpa.

RICHARD

Hello Rory, hello Lorelai. What a perfect day for a drive.

LORELAI

Sure is.

EMILY

You brought an umbrella?

RORY

And a rain cap.

EMILY

Excellent!

RICHARD

Here, let me help you with those.

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

Where are you going with that?

LORELAI

To the car.

EMILY

You can't have that in the car.

LORELAI

I know.

EMILY

Well, then, what are you doing with it?

LORELAI

Walking it.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Mom, I know I can't have it in the car. It will not be in the car.

RICHARD

Is that everything?

LORELAI

Yes, I think so.

RICHARD

All right, then. Let's get this show on the road.

EMILY

Now let's see you drink it.

LORELAI

Mm, good to the last drop.

EMILY

You stay that way until it's gone.

LORELAI

Aye, aye, captain.

EMILY

Let's go Richard.

RICHARD

All right-y.

LORELAI

Wow, does that guy look smart. I mean it, he's got the smart look down. The glasses, the furrowed brow, the ticky walk.

RORY

The Kierkergaard.

LORELAI

I really think it's the walk.

RORY

Well, we are at Yale, you know. There are smart people here.

LORELAI

I know there are smart people here. I just didn't realize how many. I bet if I pulled my checkbook out now, twelve guys could help me balance it.

RICHARD

Thirteen if you were near the right building.

RORY

Grandpa, that art gallery was amazing. Thank you.

RICHARD

Yale has one of the finest collections of British art in the world.

LORELAI

Louvre, schmouvre.

RICHARD

Oh, I spent a lot of time in that gallery as a young man.

EMILY

I'll say you did.

LORELAI

What was that 'I'll say you did'?

EMILY

I just remember that that gallery was one of your father's favorite places to bring the ladies.

RORY

What?

RICHARD

Emily.

EMILY

It's where you took me on our first date.

LORELAI

So, Dad liked to impress 'em with the paintings.

RICHARD

Why did you bring this up?

EMILY

He was a master of the frown, step back, wrinkle and sigh.

LORELAI

The what?

EMILY

Frown. Step back. Wrinkle. And sigh.

RICHARD

I did no such thing.

EMILY

And then he'd talk about the paintings he had seen in Paris and the colors of Titian, and by the end of the date, you thought he was the most brilliant man in the entire world.

LORELAI

Using Titian to score. Even Titian didn't do that.

RICHARD

You shouldn't tell them this. They'll think I was some kind of lothario.

EMILY

Well, you were.

RICHARD

I was just a young single man who wanted to experience life.

LORELAI

Don't ever fall for that line.

RORY

I promise.

RICHARD

You know, Emily, you weren't such an innocent little doe lost in the woods yourself.

EMILY

I beg your pardon?

LORELAI

They're turning on each other, I love it.

RICHARD

I'll have you know, I was happily involved in a very serious relationship when your mother decided she simply had to have me.

EMILY

Oh, the size of your ego, I swear.

RICHARD

Linny Lott.

EMILY

That mouse?

RICHARD

Oh, that mouse and I were engaged.

EMILY

Oh, you were not.

RICHARD

I'd given her my pin, I'd introduced her to my parents.

EMILY

So?

RICHARD

The date was set, invitations mailed out.

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

Well, you couldn't marry Linny Lott. That woman needed directions to get to a point.

LORELAI

Rawr!

EMILY

Richard Gilmore, you are going to give these girls the wrong impression.

RORY

What impression is that, Grandma?

LORELAI

That you were the Helena Bonham Carter of the society set?

EMILY

I did not steal your grandfather, I simply gave him a choice.

RICHARD

When you showed up at my fraternity party in that blue dress, I had no choice.

LORELAI

You stole my father with fashion.

EMILY

I can't believe you remember the dress.

LORELAI

I can't believe you were the other woman.

EMILY

Oh, this is ridiculous.

LORELAI

Another woman should be saying this is ridiculous.

EMILY

Will you stop?

RICHARD

Well...

EMILY

Well what?

RICHARD

You mean you don't remember?

EMILY

Oh my God! There was a bench here.

RICHARD

They moved it last year.

EMILY

I can't believe this.

LORELAI

Me either. What if we wanted to sit down?

EMILY

This is where your father proposed?

RORY

Really?

RICHARD

That's right.

LORELAI

By the trash can.

EMILY

That's right.

LORELAI

Well, that's very romantic... especially if you need to spit your gum out.

EMILY

We were going to meet my girlfriends who were going to drive me back to school.

RICHARD

And you were angry with me.

EMILY

Because you wouldn't commit to plans for the holidays.

RICHARD

Because I was going to invite you to the house to meet my parents after I proposed.

EMILY

Which I didn't know because you gave me no indication whatsoever.

RICHARD

Anyway, you had just finished calling me a spineless jellyfish.

EMILY

And you got very annoyed, reached in your pocket, pulled out a box and said, "Here."

RICHARD

And you opened the box, showed no emotion, slammed it close and said, "Fine."

EMILY

Yes, I did.

RORY

That's so sweet.

EMILY

Oh no, my button broke.

LORELAI

Oh yeah? Let me see.

EMILY

It just broke in two and fell.

LORELAI

Well, let me look, Mom.

EMILY

It's a broken button, what is there to look at?

LORELAI

All right, then, I think there's a bathroom over there.

EMILY

What can we do in a bathroom?

LORELAI

Meet George Michael.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Let's go.

EMILY

I don't believe it. This is a brand new skirt.

LORELAI

Mom, let me see.

EMILY

I have this dinner to go tonight. What am I going to do?

LORELAI

Drink a lot. It's easier to explain not wearing a skirt if you're falling down drunk.

EMILY

Thank you for the advice.

LORELAI

You know, I can rig this 'til you get home.

EMILY

You can?

LORELAI

Yeah, just give me five seconds here.

EMILY

What is that?

LORELAI

It's a paper clip.

EMILY

And what do you intend to do with that paper clip?

LORELAI

I intend to carve something really dirty into the bathroom door.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

What rhymes with Nantucket?

EMILY

I'm standing here holding my skirt.

LORELAI

I'm gonna put this paper clip through the buttonhole and then through the thread that used to hold the button, and then you're gonna put your jacket back on and there you go.

EMILY

That's ingenious.

LORELAI

I know. If I had a thumbtack, I could make a scud missile.

EMILY

You know, your father's having a wonderful time.

LORELAI

Well, good.

EMILY

It means a lot to him to share this with Rory.

LORELAI

I know.

EMILY

Actually, it means a lot to him to share this with you and Rory. It's very nice that you're here.

LORELAI

Nice for you. I just found out you're not supposed to be my real mother, so I'm a little scarred.

RICHARD

See that? That is my favorite building in the whole school.

RORY

It is?

RICHARD

Yes, it is.

RORY

Why?

RICHARD

Because that's where the Timothy Dwight Dining Hall is.

RORY

I thought campus food was supposed to be disgusting.

RICHARD

Not Yale food. They have the most delicious pot roast you've ever tasted.

RORY

I love pot roast.

RICHARD

Who doesn't love pot roast? Are you having a good time?

RORY

I'm having a very good time.

RICHARD

I'm glad. It's nice being able to show this place to another Gilmore generation. You know, one day, when your mother was ten years old, she ran into my office and she said, "I'm going to go to Yale, just like you." She actually took my diploma out of my office and put it in her room. She wouldn't give it back to me for about six months. This place makes you remember things. Hopefully, things you're being graded on.

EMILY

All right, we're all in one piece again.

RICHARD

Oh, glad to hear it. Shall we continue?

LORELAI

Okay, but you're not gonna show me the vending machine where I was conceived, are you? 'Cause I don't think I can take it.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

Lions and tigers and bears...

RORY

Oh my.

RICHARD

It's impressive, isn't it?

LORELAI

Yeah, I'd like to open a checking account, please.

RORY

What is this place?

RICHARD

This is the main administration building. Professors' offices, the dean's office. Some of the best scotch in the country can be found behind those doors.

LORELAI

Not sure how to take that, Dad.

RICHARD

Come on. Ah, follow me, please.

LORELAI

What's he so excited about?

EMILY

Oh, who knows? Dickens must have dropped a pencil here at some point.

RICHARD

Rory, this is the office of a very dear friend of mine. His name is Harris Fellows, and he just happens to be the Dean of Admissions.

LORELAI

Really?

RICHARD

That's right. And I called him just before we came down and I asked him if he had a little time to squeeze you in and he said yes.

RORY

Squeeze me in?

RICHARD

For an interview.

LORELAI

An interview for what, Dad?

RICHARD

An interview for Yale.

RORY

Grandpa.

RICHARD

Oh, I told him all about you and your grades and how well you were doing at Chilton. Well, of course, he insisted on seeing you. He wouldn't let me off the hook.

RORY

But I haven't applied to Yale.

RICHARD

Oh, I told him that you weren't finished deciding, that you were being very picky. I think that made him want you even more. They can be very competitive, these Ivy League schools. He's expecting you at three. Oh, look, it's three now. Well, we timed this perfectly now, didn't we? Come on, I'll walk you in. Uh, we'll be right back.

LORELAI

Rory, honey, you don't have to go in there.

RICHARD

What? Well, of course she's going to go in there.

LORELAI

Rory, honey, the only person I'm talking to, you don't have to go in there if you don't want to.

RICHARD

Lorelai, the man is waiting.

LORELAI

You wanna leave? 'Cause we could just leave.

RORY

No, it's okay. I'll go in.

RICHARD

Harris is a very nice man, Rory. I think you two are really going to hit it off. Come on, I'll walk you in.

EMILY

My skirt seems to be holding up very well. Lorelai –

LORELAI

No.

RICHARD

She shook his hand. She just reached out and shook his hand. It completely threw him off. I swear, that girl.

LORELAI

You know what, I almost feel like a standing ovation is in order.

RICHARD

If you're going to get dramatic, let's go outside. It echoes in here.

LORELAI

What did you think you were doing?

RICHARD

I thought I was helping my granddaughter get into what is, in my opinion, the best Ivy League school in America.

LORELAI

Even though she doesn't wanna go here?

RICHARD

She doesn't know she doesn't want to go here.

LORELAI

You're unbelievable, Dad. You corner her alone the other night, without me there.

RICHARD

Of course I did. You wouldn't let her go.

LORELAI

Oh, I wouldn't?

RICHARD

I knew that the last thing in the world that you could want would be for Rory to go to Yale.

LORELAI

And the reason for that would be?

RICHARD

I went to Yale, therefore Rory can't.

LORELAI

Oh, that's right, the crazy reason.

RICHARD

That's all right. It's your prerogative to feel that way. It's mine to make sure that Rory at least knows all her options.

LORELAI

Aren't you supposed to slap my face with a glove before you do this?

RICHARD

I'm not going to discuss this with you.

LORELAI

Well, you lied to everybody, Dad. You lied to me, you lied to Rory, I'm looking at Mom and I'm thinking you lied to her, too.

EMILY

Lorelai, please, let's try and calm down.

RICHARD

This is for Rory's own good.

LORELAI

Rory's going to Harvard.

RICHARD

We'll see.

LORELAI

No, Rory's going to Harvard. It's already been decided without you, get it? You don't control it. And that little stunt of yours doesn't change that fact one bit.

RICHARD

I'm sorry about the way it had to be done, but I didn't want to argue with you about it.

LORELAI

My whole life, you have tried to control everything, and if you didn't get to control something, then you just didn't deal with it.

RICHARD

That's ridiculous.

LORELAI

When you couldn't control me, you didn't deal with me.

RICHARD

This has nothing to do with you.

LORELAI

No?

RICHARD

This is about Rory and Rory's education. Which, frankly Lorelai, is something you know nothing about.

LORELAI

Excuse me?

RICHARD

You never went to college, let alone an Ivy League college. You don't know the first thing about the system, the way it works. I do, I went through it. You want Rory to go to Harvard that badly? Well, so do thousands of other mothers. Yale is an excellent school, the equal of Harvard in every way except one – I went here. I'm an alumnus. That makes it easier for Rory to get in. And if you had any idea about the way the system works, you'd know this.

LORELAI

Oh, so, here it is. I knew we would eventually get to the big "my daughter's a loser, poor me, the future squandered, the Gilmore name's sullied" speech.

RICHARD

I am not going to leave Rory's education to chance simply because I might risk offending you. Her future is more important than your pride. If you don't like that, I'm sorry. If it makes you angry, well, what else is new? But that, my dear girl, is the way it is.

LORELAI

I'm calling a cab. We're leaving.

EMILY

Lorelai, come back inside. Lorelai, put the phone away and come back inside.

LORELAI

[on phone] Yes, hi, in New Haven, I need a number of a cab company. Um, anyone, pick one. Thanks.

EMILY

You are not going to take a cab all the way back to Stars Hollow.

LORELAI

He lied to you, too, Mom. Don't you care about that?

EMILY

That is between me and your father.

LORELAI

Great, whatever. Damn, I just forgot the number.

EMILY

If you would just calm down and look at it from his point of view.

LORELAI

[on phone] Hi, um, uh, in New Haven, I need a cab company, any cab company.

EMILY

Your father is a very strong-willed man, Lorelai. You know this, you take after him.

LORELAI

[on phone] Thank you.

EMILY

He wants the best for Rory. He thinks this is the best.

LORELAI

It doesn't really matter what he thinks. It matters what I think and what Rory thinks and the list ends there.

EMILY

So Rory takes a meeting at Yale. That doesn't mean she still won't go to Harvard.

LORELAI

I know it doesn't, because she is still going to Harvard.

EMILY

If she applies to Yale –

LORELAI

She's not applying to Yale!

EMILY

And gets into Yale, that might even make her more appealing to Harvard. Have you thought about that?

LORELAI

No, I haven't, because I'm not trying to reason away a crazy man's actions.

EMILY

Oh, don't do this. Don't turn this into yet another one of your crusades against your childhood. Just let it go. Realize that despite the matter in which your father did this, his intentions were honorable.

LORELAI

You know what, Mom? Sometimes I literally sit around and try to figure out why Dad and I have such an awful relationship. I try to figure out why we can't communicate and why we can't seem to break through whatever crap it is that stands between us, and then something like this happens and suddenly it's like, 'Oh yeah. That's why.'

EMILY

Fine, Lorelai, your father's a demon. He's cruel and out to destroy your happiness. But think about this – you're fighting so hard to send Rory off to Harvard no matter what that you haven't even stopped for one second to consider that if she went to Yale, she could live at home. Consider that on your cab ride.

LORELAI

[on phone] Hi, yes, in New Haven, I need a cab company.

HARRIS

It was a pleasure to meet you. I'll read that book you recommended.

RORY

And don't be fooled by the Oprah seal on the cover, it's actually very good.

RICHARD

Well, how did it go? I see that everyone is smiling.

HARRIS

Richard, your granddaughter is everything you said and more. You should be very proud.

RICHARD

I am, very proud.

HARRIS

It was very nice meeting you.

RORY

Same here.

HARRIS

I'll see you at dinner later, Richard.

RICHARD

Thanks, Harris.

RICHARD

Well, that – that sounded like it went very well. Uh, what did you tell him to read?

RORY

Why did you do that?

RICHARD

Do what?

RORY

Why did you make this appointment without telling me about it?

RICHARD

Rory, I know this appointment upset your mother, but this was an important opportunity.

RORY

I know it was an important opportunity. That's why I can't believe you didn't prepare me for it. I didn't have my transcripts, my letters of recommendation. I couldn't even remember what I wanted to major in when he asked.

RICHARD

I'm sure he knew you were nervous.

RORY

But I didn't have to be that nervous. I could've been calm. I could've brushed my hair. I never would've worn this.

RICHARD

Oh, Rory, none of this matters.

RORY

It matters to me. I like to be prepared. This has nothing to do with Mom. If you had really wanted me to take this meeting, I would've done it just because you asked me to. And I would've done it right.

LORELAI

Rory, a cab is meeting us at the main gate. Let's go.

RORY

I'm coming. Bye Grandma.

EMILY

Goodbye Rory.

EMILY

[to Richard] Don't you even look at me.

LORELAI

Thanks. Uh, well, here's the good news. You no longer have to worry about which college to go to 'cause that cab ride was your college tuition.

RORY

Can we not say the word college for at least forty-eight hours?

LORELAI

Fine.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

How 'bout collage, can we say collage? 'Cause it sounds the same but it's actually very different.

RORY

Collage is fine.

LORELAI

Okay, good, 'cause I don't even know how to get through a conversation without the word collage.

RORY

I should've listened to you about today.

LORELAI

Oh, no. There's no way even I could've seen this one coming.

RORY

I can't believe I had a meeting at Yale today.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

And I can't believe the only name that popped into my head when he asked for my role model was Gloria Estefan.

LORELAI

Well, you don't work great under pressure.

RORY

Sucky day.

LORELAI

But excellent tacos.

RORY

Yeah, Hector really came through.

LUKE

What are you doing?

LORELAI

We're coming from a day with my parents. Want a taco?

LUKE

Uh, no thanks. See, I already have food here. We sell it to the other customers who don't come quite as prepared as the two of you.

LORELAI

Mm, be nice and get us some salsa.

LUKE

At least order a cup of coffee.

RORY

Coffee and tacos?

LORELAI

Sounds just gross enough to work.

JESS

Hi.

RORY

Hi.

LUKE

Please, I'll finish it – hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. I'm getting the coffee.

JESS

I gotta run out for a second and get a part for my car.

LUKE

Get a receipt this time.

JESS

I'll be back. [leaves]

LORELAI

Hey Luke, what's the record for most tacos eaten in a diner that doesn't actually sell tacos?

LUKE

I have no idea.

LORELAI

Find out, will you, 'cause if it's less than five, we're famous.

LUKE

Where'd you get those things anyhow?

LORELAI

New Haven.

LUKE

Really? That dump was close?

LORELAI

We paid a little visit to Yale today.

RORY

Yes, one that I would prefer not to relive, thank you very much. I'm gonna go study.

LORELAI

Okay hon, see you back home.

RORY

Bye Luke.

LUKE

Bye.

LUKE

Uh, listen, I just want you to know that I had a little talk with Jess earlier.

LORELAI

You did?

LUKE

Yes, I did, and I really laid down the rules concerning him and Rory. Trust me, he now knows that I am going to be watching them every second they are together.

LORELAI

Oh good.

LUKE

Yup.

LORELAI

You know, they're together now.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Oh yeah. 'I have to get a part for my car', 'I'm going to go study' – that's kid code for 'Meet me at the previously agreed upon location far away from my clueless uncle.'

LUKE

You're kidding me, right? You don't really think that... damn, they are! They're together. They used the kid code and now they're together!

LORELAI

It's okay, Luke.

LUKE

It's okay, Luke? They are out there right now doing God knows what, completely unsupervised. How did you let this happen?

LORELAI

Me?

LUKE

Yes, you. I thought you were against this.

LORELAI

I thought you were all, 'This is so great and Rory's gonna change Jess.'

LUKE

What is she, a miracle worker? Come on, Lorelai, wake up – the guy's trouble. I have to find 'em. Caesar, I'll be back in a little while.

LORELAI

You're seriously gonna run all over town looking for Jess and Rory?

LUKE

If I have to, yes. And if you were really a concerned mother, you'd go out there with me.

LORELAI

No, I can't do that. But if you like, I'll let you sniff Rory's sweater. Maybe her scent will help you track them down.

LUKE

The things you find amusing astound me sometimes.

LORELAI

You're not really gonna sniff it.

LUKE

No, it's cold out. She might need it.

RORY

You going to smoke that or mind meld with it?

JESS

It depends.

RORY

So where's the part for your car?

JESS

Huh, I don't know. Gypsy said she was gonna leave it for me somewhere. Guess she forgot.

RORY

She's bad that way.

JESS

I'm just gonna have to take my business elsewhere.

RORY

Looks that way.

JESS

So.

RORY

So.

JESS

Here we are.

RORY

Yeah, here we are. So, tell me, what's your decision about smoking that depending on?

JESS

On what's gonna happen.

RORY

When?

JESS

Now.

RORY

I'm glad you didn't smoke it.

JESS

Oh yeah?

RORY

Yeah.

JESS

Well, whatever else happens between us, at least we know that part works. What?

RORY

I have to go.

JESS

What? Did I do something or –

RORY

No, no. This was... you were – are... it was wonderful, and I look forward to many similar occurrences in the future, but right now, I have to go. Understand?

JESS

Not at all.

RORY

It's more fun that way, isn't it?

JESS

Come here. [kisses her] Beat it.

RORY

I'll see you tomorrow.

RORY

Hey.

DEAN

What are you doing?

RORY

I climbed a tree.

DEAN

Why?

RORY

Well, I was afraid to ring the doorbell 'cause your mom would answer and I assume she knows, so I assume she hates me and I just wanted to talk to you, so...

DEAN

She doesn't know.

RORY

She doesn't.

DEAN

I haven't really been in the mood to talk about it.

RORY

But you're going to have to tell her eventually, so if she did answer the door and was nice to me, then I would've known that she was going to be hating me soon, and that just would've been really hard because I like your mom. I guess you're probably gonna tell your sister also, so she's probably gonna hate me, too.

DEAN

Well, too bad, Rory. Somebody doesn't like you for once.

RORY

I didn't mean –

DEAN

What do you want?

RORY

Do you remember that girl Butterfly who lived in a tree for a year? I can officially attest that she was nuts.

DEAN

I have to go.

RORY

I wanna say that I'm sorry.

DEAN

For what?

RORY

For treating you the way I did. For doing all the things you said I did. I am so, so sorry. It's all my fault. I don't know what's wrong with me. You were the most amazing boyfriend in the world. You made me so happy. You made me laugh, you made my mother like you, you were nice to my friends, you protected me, you even came with me to that stupid debutante ball.

DEAN

I don't need the list.

RORY

I really did love you. Please believe that.

DEAN

You with him now?

RORY

I don't wanna talk about him. I just came to tell you that I'm truly sorry that I hurt you, and that I'm going to miss you so much, and I just hope that someday you won't hate me anymore.

DEAN

I hope so, too.

LORELAI

Coffee and Ovaltine.

RORY

Thanks.

LORELAI

It's getting late, you almost done?

RORY

Almost.

LORELAI

Don't study so much that you get brilliant, go mad, grow a big bald egghead and try to take over the world, okay, 'cause I wanna go shoe shopping this weekend.

RORY

Promise, I will not go mad until we get you some boots.

LORELAI

Thank you. [starts to walk upstairs, then turns around] Hey.

RORY

Yeah?

LORELAI

How was the rest of the evening?

RORY

It was eventful.

LORELAI

Eventful... well, okay. Goodnight hon. [starts to go upstairs]

RORY

Mom?

LORELAI

[turns around] Yeah?

RORY

Details tomorrow.

LORELAI

Ah, thank God. 'Cause you know what not knowing these things does to me.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

I can't sleep. I wonder what I did wrong. Should I not have left you that first day in kindergarten when you begged me not to? Are you holding it against me?

RORY

I was fine staying at kindergarten. You were the one that had trouble leaving.

LORELAI

See, see how irrational I get when you hold out on me? I invent crazy reasons why you hold out on me.

RORY

Night Mom.

LORELAI

Night babe. [goes upstairs]