T3E10: “That’ll Do, Pig”

LANE

Are you serious?

LORELAI

I am serious.

LANE

We can really rehearse in your garage?

LORELAI

In exchange for the promise that you never pose naked on the cover of Rolling Stone no matter how much trouble your career is in.

LANE

I promise. I love you. Do you know how amazing your mother is?

LORELAI

No. Tell her, would ya? She forgot this morning.

RORY

Because hot water is enjoyed by all, not just by you.

LORELAI

I wasn't in the shower that long.

RORY

Man, it's winter carnival time again already.

LANE

Yup.

RORY

Are you going?

LANE

I have to. We are raising money for the marching band this year, mandatory booth manning is involved.

LORELAI

Man, Lane – marching band, rock band.

LANE

Music is my life.

LORELAI

Hi Mrs. Kim!

LANE

So not funny.

RORY

Raising money for the marching band to do what?

LORELAI

Please let it be new uniforms.

LANE

It's for letters so we can finally have letter carriers. For some reason, the powers that be think that the reason we never win at competitions is because no one knows who we are. The fact that we suck has never occurred to them. What's wrong with our uniforms?

LORELAI

Nothing.

LANE

We look stupid, right?

LORELAI

No.

LANE

The plumes are too big, and it looks like big red fountains of blood spurting out of our heads.

LORELAI

I love the uniforms.

LANE

It's bad enough I have to be in marching band at all without being mocked for what is mandatory for us to wear.

LORELAI

No, no, no, I didn't mean, I... remind her that she gets to rehearse in our garage 'cause I think I'm losing points here.

RORY

Your uniforms are great, and people knowing who you are can only help. Now let's just enjoy the snow, okay?

LANE

Okay.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

Especially since some of us have been freezing since our showers this morning.

LORELAI

I wasn't in there that long.

LANE

I'm sorry, can we get back to the band uniforms, 'cause on a scale of one to ten, how much do I not wanna let Dave see me like that?

LORELAI/RORY

Ten.

LANE

Okay, thanks.

TEACHER

To evaluate the value of a function of X when X equals pi. You want to start by splitting the intregal into two separate intregals. Now, since the left intregal is a variable of a constant exponent, remember C is a constant, add one and divide by the new power.

MADELINE

Paris, what did he say?

PARIS

Hm?

MADELINE

He's talking too fast, I missed it.

PARIS

Ask Louise.

MADELINE

Louise, what did he say?

LOUISE

I don't know, ask Paris.

MADELINE

She told me to ask you.

LOUISE

Why would she do that?

MADELINE

I don't know.

LOUISE

Did you guys have a fight?

MADELINE

Not that I know of.

TEACHER

... The right intregal, however, is more complex. You have to use U substitution with U equals 3 feet. [bell rings] We'll pick up at the same place tomorrow.

RORY

The bell rang.

PARIS

What?

RORY

The bell? That loud metal musical contraption that when hit loudly by a vibrating mallet signals the end of this particular educational experience.

PARIS

Class is over?

RORY

Yup.

PARIS

What did he talk about?

MADELINE

Ask Louise.

PARIS

I didn't take notes. I didn't pay attention. I'm going to...

RORY

Borrow my notes and be just fine.

PARIS

Thank you.

MADELINE

Madeline want notes, too, please.

LOUISE

Add one and divide by the new power? Oh, I thought it said add one and divide by the Jew power. It makes much more sense this way.

PARIS

I can't believe I zoned out for the entire class.

RORY

You must have a lot on your mind.

PARIS

I do.

RORY

I'm sure. Okay, so, onto the next thing. I don't think I'll have the prom bids ready for the supplemental student council meeting this week.

PARIS

Oh.

RORY

They need a little more time to get the details together, so that leaves a little hole in our agenda. Any thoughts?

PARIS

Well, we can just cancel the supplementary meeting this week.

RORY

What?

PARIS

Well, if there's nothing really to talk about, what's the point, right?

LOUISE

You said that one student council meeting a week was not enough.

MADELINE

Yeah, you said that was no way to govern, that meeting once a week was lazy, ineffectual, and if we were going to do it like that, we might as well just buy ourselves a ranch in Texas.

PARIS

Fine, if you guys wanna sit around for an hour after school swapping makeover horror stories, then count me in. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I plucked outside of my designated brow line? Man, was my face red.

MADELINE

I've done that, too. Ooh, it's bad.

LOUISE

She was being sarcastic.

MADELINE

Well, I wasn't. I looked surprised for a month.

PARIS

We'll just take this week off, and next week we'll go back to twice a week, okay?

RORY

Sounds fair.

LOUISE

Sounds fab.

FRANCIE

I heard something about the supplemental student council meeting – anything I need to know about, a new chart to be made, perhaps?

PARIS

No. We were just saying that the agenda seems light this week, so I've decided to cancel it, and we can just gather at the regular meeting on Friday.

FRANCIE

Wow, this is quite a change in plans.

PARIS

You have a problem with it?

FRANCIE

No, I'm just surprised. You seem so attached to those meetings.

PARIS

Well, I finally got a blankie. It's much better.

FRANCIE

Okay, no extra meeting this week. What will I do with all that extra time? Well, I guess I'll think of something.

PARIS

Take a picture of which outfit wins, will ya?

RORY

Bye Francie.

FRANCIE

Bye.

PARIS

I met his parents.

RORY

You did?

PARIS

He bought me a ticket, and I took the train to Philadelphia, and he met me at the station, and I spent Christmas with him and his family.

RORY

Sounds nice.

PARIS

No, not nice. It was perfect. They had a Christmas tree twelve feet tall. Everything was red and silver and there was eggnog. Have you ever had eggnog?

RORY

Yes, I have.

PARIS

It's disgusting.

RORY

Yes, it is.

PARIS

But disgusting in a really great way. And they had tiny wreaths hanging from every doorknob, and mistletoe and candles everywhere. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I've never had a Christmas before. One year, I asked my mother if we could get a Chanukah bush. She made me watch Shoah the rest of the week.

RORY

Wow.

PARIS

The place smelled like cinnamon all the time, and there was a fire in the fireplace, and a ton of presents. I mean, hundreds of presents. I'm looking at this mound of gifts, and I'm thinking, 'Eight days of Chanukah... who was the skinflint who thought up that deal?'

RORY

Don't the eight days symbolize something?

PARIS

Yes, they symbolize eight days of ripping off the little kids who can't have a Chanukah bush.

RORY

You're making me sad.

PARIS

His mother bought me a present.

RORY

Well, that says something.

PARIS

What does it say?

RORY

It says that Jamie likes you enough that she felt compelled to buy you a present.

PARIS

I had the most amazing time. Sitting around the tree opening presents, and they played Christmas music and we drank apple cider... it was so nice. And then his grandfather and I wound up in a theological discussion. Jesus – Messiah or nice Jewish kid with a hammer? It got pretty heated.

RORY

Okay, skip to the end, I can't take it. How did it turn out?

PARIS

He told me he loved me.

RORY

Aw, Paris!

PARIS

I never thought I'd hear a boy tell me he loved me.

RORY

That's great.

PARIS

He invited me back up for Easter break.

RORY

You're going, I assume?

PARIS

Are you kidding? And miss a chance to debate Christ rising from the dead? I'm so there.

RORY

Jamie's a lucky man.

MICHEL

Move, please.

LORELAI

Whoa, what's going on?

MICHEL

I cannot talk now, please.

LORELAI

Michel, they sound really angry.

MICHEL

They do, don't they?

LORELAI

What did you say?

MICHEL

I don't know.

LORELAI

What do you mean you don't know? All you had to say was 'Welcome to Stars Hollow,' that's it.

MICHEL

I know, I thought I did, and then they got angry and threw breadsticks and butter pats.

LORELAI

Michel.

MICHEL

I'm looking. [flips through a dictionary]

LORELAI

You only had to say one word in Hungarian – welcome, that's it. How bad could it be?

MICHEL

Very bad.

LORELAI

Oh, Michel.

MICHEL

Very, very bad.

LORELAI

Be careful.

LORELAI

Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.

EMILY

Well, your father's sixtieth birthday dinner is back on.

LORELAI

What sixtieth birthday dinner?

EMILY

The one that I had planned for Wednesday night.

LORELAI

Oh, were we coming?

EMILY

Of course you were coming. You think you wouldn't be invited?

LORELAI

Well, apparently, we weren't invited.

EMILY

I had just started planning the whole thing when he came home in a mood and declared that parties were for children and it was canceled.

LORELAI

Were we disappointed?

EMILY

However, today he came in and changed his mind, so I expect the two of you at eight. And bring a gift, but don't get him a cigar humidor.

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

I bought him a cigar humidor.

LORELAI

I assumed.

EMILY

It's gorgeous. It belonged to a lieutenant in the army in World War I. Apparently, he kept it in his field office in France. There are carvings in the bottom that the dealer said could possibly be coded messages.

LORELAI

Cool.

EMILY

I think so, too. All right, eight o'clock, do not be late.

LORELAI

Okay, we will not be late. Bye. [hangs up the phone as Michel walks back to the desk] Well?

MICHEL

It's fine. All we have to do is pay the ransom and they will give us the busboy back.

LORELAI

Oh, whoa, uh...

LORELAI

Come in. [Dean walks in] Dean, hi.

DEAN

Hi. Uh, I hope I'm not disturbing anything.

LORELAI

Oh, no, absolutely not.

DEAN

Good. Um, I just wanted to...

LORELAI

Ah, ah!

DEAN

What?

LORELAI

Don't kick the cup.

DEAN

The what?

LORELAI

I have a spider whose previous credits include the bathtub scene from Annie Hall trapped under that cup.

DEAN

The size of a Buick?

LORELAI

Yeah.

DEAN

I see. And what are you planning to do now that you've got him trapped?

LORELAI

Well, I was thinking of just giving him the kitchen.

DEAN

Okay.

LORELAI

'Cause, you know, we don't use it very much anyhow, so, uh...

DEAN

I could get rid of it if you want.

LORELAI

Yeah, that'd be great. Just, careful ... He heard me talking, so don't let him get away. He knows I'm behind this, he'll come after me. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I guess you can see why camping's completely out of the question for me.

DEAN

Got it.

LORELAI

Okay, great. Could ya... uh... [gestures to the back door]

DEAN

Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem.

LORELAI

Don't let his family see you. Spiders are vindictive.

RORY

[calls from front hall] Mom?

LORELAI

Uh, Rory.

RORY

Can we do pizza tonight? I've got a ton of studying to do.

LORELAI

Sure, pizza sounds great.

RORY

Good. Why's the door open?

LORELAI

The door is open because... Dean's here.

RORY

Hi.

DEAN

Hi.

LORELAI

Um, Dean threw out a spider for me.

DEAN

I just came by to drop off some of your stuff.

RORY

Oh.

DEAN

Just some books you loaned me, a couple of CD's.

RORY

Okay, thanks.

DEAN

Yeah, sure. Okay, so, I'm gonna go.

LORELAI

Thanks Dean.

LORELAI

It was a really big spider. I think it had a gun. What are you feeling right now?

RORY

Nothing.

LORELAI

Not weirded out, even a little?

RORY

Why would I be weirded out?

LORELAI

Well, Dean coming over, bringing your stuff back.

RORY

No, I'm fine.

LORELAI

Okay. Although, you know, if you were weirded out a little, it would be okay. It wouldn't mean that you don't like Jess, or that you made a mistake. It would just mean the guy who was in your life for two years isn't there anymore.

RORY

I was just surprised, that's all.

LORELAI

If you say so.

RORY

I do.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

I'm gonna go start studying.

LORELAI

I'll order the pizza.

RORY

Thank you.

RORY

You know what just occurred to me? That we are very fortunate to have good teeth.

JESS

Yes, very fortunate.

RORY

Can you imagine if braces were involved in this interaction?

JESS

It'd be a bloodbath.

RORY

I can't catch my breath.

JESS

You're not supposed to.

RORY

Hey, listen, Thursday night is the Stars Hollow High Winter Carnival.

JESS

Oh yeah?

RORY

Yeah, I thought we could go, meet Lane there.

JESS

Nope.

RORY

But it'd be really fun. They'll have really bad games and really bad food and the marching band will play and –

JESS

Rory, I'm doing some of my best work here and you're just talking right through it.

RORY

Come on, let's go to the carnival.

JESS

I don't go to these stupid town things.

RORY

You went to the Bid-A-Basket festival. You went to the dance marathon.

JESS

That was when I was trying to get you. I now have you. That means I don't have to go anymore.

RORY

You're serious?

JESS

As a heart attack.

RORY

But it'll be fun.

JESS

We can have our own fun.

RORY

I can't miss the winter carnival.

JESS

Rory, come on.

RORY

Well, I never have. I can't. Just go with me, please.

JESS

Look, how 'bout you go to the festival, meet Lane, and then I'll hook up with you afterwards.

RORY

Jess.

JESS

That's my final offer, man.

RORY

Fine.

JESS

Fine.

RORY

We're gonna walk right in front of a car one of these days.

JESS

So, you want some help with your homework?

RORY

You're going to help me?

JESS

Yup.

RORY

Don't take this the wrong way, but how?

JESS

Come upstairs and I'll show you.

RORY

Upstairs?

JESS

Yeah.

RORY

Well, you know how important my education is to me.

JESS

Yes, I do.

LORELAI

Rory, hey. Thank God, I need help. Where you going?

RORY

Nowhere.

JESS

See ya. [goes upstairs]

LORELAI

Were you guys gonna go upstairs and kiss?

RORY

Wow, look at all the bags.

LORELAI

Yes, I went shopping for my father's birthday present today, which was great for about fifteen minutes, until it all came back to me.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

The fact that I totally suck at buying my father presents.

RORY

He'll like whatever you get him.

LORELAI

If I slip him a quaalude, he'll like whatever I get him.

RORY

They are not that bad.

LORELAI

My intentions are always good, and I never put a price limit on it. I even went so far as to follow older men around the store who kind of looked like my dad to see what they were buying, which didn't help me with ideas, but I did get asked to the antique car show.

RORY

Just show me what you got.

LORELAI

Fine. Option number one – a state of the art, high tech, titanium bathroom scale.

RORY

Huh.

LORELAI

What? He has weight.

RORY

Yes, but I'm not sure that his birthday is the time to remind him of it.

LORELAI

Okay, option number two – a fabulous mechanical coin sorter. You put the coins in, it sorts 'em. What?

RORY

Well, it's a little generic.

LORELAI

Generic in a good way, or...

RORY

What's the third option?

LORELAI

See, I should have pulled the coin sorter out last, 'cause...

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

A tie.

LORELAI

Yes, it's silk.

RORY

It's nice.

LORELAI

It is?

LUKE

What's that?

LORELAI

It's a tie for my father's birthday.

LUKE

What, no Aramis this year?

LORELAI

No, he likes ties.

LUKE

You know, if you get the big bottle, it usually comes with a tote bag and a soap on a rope.

LORELAI

Go away. My gifts suck.

RORY

It's the thought that counts.

LORELAI

What'd you get him?

RORY

Nothing big.

LORELAI

Well, what?

RORY

Just a thing.

LORELAI

What kind of thing?

RORY

Chuck Berry Live at the Fillmore on vinyl.

LORELAI

Oh my God, that's perfect. He loves Chuck Berry. How did you come up with that?

RORY

I called him and asked him what he wanted.

LORELAI

That's cheating.

RORY

Tough.

LORELAI

Well, now what am I gonna do? I can't give him a tie when you give him the world's most perfect present we already know he likes.

RORY

You want me to go find something for you?

LORELAI

You would do that?

RORY

He gave me a couple other suggestions. I can go see if I can find one of them.

LORELAI

Ugh, my God, I love you. You are my angel.

RORY

Hey, you had one more that you didn't show me.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah – it lights up and sings.

RORY

Enough said.

RORY

Oh!

DEAN

Oh, sorry.

RORY

I didn't see you.

DEAN

I wasn't paying attention.

RORY

I was just looking in the window and then...

DEAN

I was just noticing the new benches in the square.

RORY

Sorry.

DEAN

Yeah, uh, sorry.

RORY

It's weird.

DEAN

What's weird?

RORY

How we keep randomly bumping into each other like this.

DEAN

Well, it wasn't exactly random bumping into you at your house.

RORY

Right, I live there, not so random.

DEAN

Though, this, right now. .

RORY

Random.

DEAN

Very random.

RORY

That's probably the most the word random's been used in a two minutes period in a really long time.

DEAN

Hey, you wanna get a cup of coffee?

RORY

Coffee?

DEAN

Maybe talk a little? Of course, if you prefer, we can both just head over to Weston's and randomly bump into each other.

RORY

No, uh, that's okay. I can get coffee.

DEAN

Good.

DEAN

So, where do you wanna sit?

RORY

Um, there's good, if you like the window.

DEAN

Window is fine.

RORY

Of course, there's that one if you don't like the window.

DEAN

Window's fine.

RORY

The window can be colder because of the glass, but then that one is right by the bathroom, and being right by the bathroom always makes me kind of uncomfortable, which isn't really fair because something has to be right by the bathroom. Otherwise, you're cutting down on tables, which means you're cutting down on profits and... window's fine?

DEAN

Window's fine.

RORY

Let's sit down then. [they sit down] This is a very nice table. Good pick.

KIRK

Today we have an almond tort, an apple pandowdy, and various marzipan fruits made by a sect of cloistered nuns in Toledo.

DEAN

I'll have a piece of pie.

KIRK

Cherry, peach, chocolate, pumpkin, custard –

DEAN

Custard's fine.

KIRK

There's more.

DEAN

I know, but custard's fine.

KIRK

You don't wanna hear the rest?

DEAN

I am really good with the custard.

KIRK

But they made memorize thirty different flavors.

DEAN

Kirk?

KIRK

Yes?

DEAN

Custard is fine.

KIRK

You want ice cream with that?

DEAN

Are there different flavors?

KIRK

Thirty-two.

DEAN

Just the pie.

KIRK

Okay. What about you?

RORY

Oh, nothing for me.

DEAN

Nothing?

RORY

I'm not hungry.

DEAN

You're not hungry?

RORY

Nope, I'm not.

DEAN

She's not hungry.

KIRK

I'll be right back.

DEAN

In all the time I've known you, I've never seen you not hungry.

RORY

Yeah, well...

DEAN

Thanks for doing this.

RORY

Of course. Why wouldn't I?

DEAN

Because you're incredibly uncomfortable.

RORY

Well, it's the situation, not you.

DEAN

Yeah, the situation.

RORY

You know, with you and me being...

DEAN

Yeah, yeah, I know the situation. So, um, how are ya?

RORY

I'm fine. You?

DEAN

I'm doing okay.

RORY

How's school?

DEAN

Not bad. I've got McKellan for History.

RORY

Oh, has he done his Napoleon having dinner with Charlemagne bit yet?

DEAN

Catherine the Great shows up for dessert.

RORY

Oh, wow, he's revised it. Good for him. He's a unique man, but a decent teacher.

DEAN

Yeah. You know, um, I wanted to tell you I applied to Southern Connecticut State.

RORY

What?

DEAN

McKellan actually wrote me a letter of recommendation.

RORY

Wait a minute – you do know that Southern Connecticut State is a four-year college?

DEAN

Yeah, I read that in the brochure.

RORY

But what happened to 'I'm going to community college'?

DEAN

I changed my mind.

RORY

Why?

DEAN

You.

RORY

Me?

DEAN

All your Harvard talk, all those crazy books you pushed on me, all that talk about 'you can do more.'

RORY

You can do more.

DEAN

So I decided to do more.

RORY

Wow, I'm so glad.

DEAN

Thanks.

RORY

Well, if you need any help with anything, I've become the Rain Man of college application requirements.

DEAN

Thanks. I might take you up on that.

KIRK

Custard pie, no ice cream.

DEAN

Thanks, Kirk.

RORY

Wow. Southern Connecticut State, that's exciting. When did all this happen?

DEAN

The last few weeks. Uh, it's funny. I got the envelope, and I wanted to call you, and then I realized, uh, I can't do that.

RORY

You could've done that.

DEAN

I guess. I don't know, I can't get over how weird it is. I go from seeing you everyday to...

RORY

I know.

DEAN

I mean, I'm used to talking to you.

RORY

I know.

DEAN

That's a hard thing to just let go of.

RORY

For me, too.

DEAN

I don't know, Rory. Maybe... maybe, um... is there a way we could be friends?

RORY

Really?

DEAN

If you want to.

RORY

Oh, I want to. I really want to. But –

DEAN

Don't ask me how I'm gonna deal with him. I have no idea.

RORY

Okay.

DEAN

Let's just take this one step at a time.

RORY

Absolutely. Slow and steady wins the race.

DEAN

This is really good. You sure you don't want a bite?

RORY

One bite. So how's Clara's horseback-riding lessons going?

DEAN

Not bad. I think she actually got within three feet of the thing last week.

RORY

Hm, very impressive.

DEAN

She thought so.

RICHARD

This man is a genius. Listen to him play.

RORY

I'm glad you like it, Grandpa.

RICHARD

Oh, I must say, I am a very spoiled man. Chuck Berry, and the complete history of the Peloponnesian War.

LORELAI

Well, sure, 'cause a partial history would skip all the dirty stuff.

RICHARD

I especially like the way you wrapped the books in a bow tie. It's very, very clever.

LORELAI

I thought it would be appropriate.

EMILY

And, of course, you're not forgetting your favorite gift.

RICHARD

Oh, yes, my beautiful humidor from my beautiful wife.

EMILY

Thank you.

RICHARD

No, thank you. It's been a wonderful birthday.

EMILY

Would you like some more champagne?

RICHARD

Oh, why not?

TRIX

[from hallway] One of the porch lights is burned out. Perhaps the simple act of glancing outside a window once in awhile might have alerted someone to the situation.

LORELAI

Gran?

RICHARD

Trix, is that you? Well, I'll be. What a surprise. [leaves room]

LORELAI

Mom, did you know Grandma was coming?

EMILY

Oh my God.

LORELAI

Okay, no seems like a safe answer.

RICHARD

[from hallway] Emily, come here! Come say hello to this delightful creature that just walked in.

EMILY

Oh my God.

LORELAI

Come on, let's see if she tries to make a break for it.

RICHARD

Emily, did you know about this?

EMILY

Why, no, I didn't.

RICHARD

Well, I'm floored.

TRIX

Good. Hello Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hello Gran, good to see you.

TRIX

You're well?

LORELAI

I'm well.

TRIX

You're working?

LORELAI

I'm working.

TRIX

You're single?

LORELAI

I'm single.

TRIX

By choice, or do you scare the men with your independence?

LORELAI

Actually, I scare them with my Minnie Pearl impression.

TRIX

The lady with the hat. Rory, as soon as I get settled, I want to hear all about your schooling and your college plans.

RORY

Okay, Gran.

TRIX

Well, Emily, I don't know if you realize it or not, but it's not proper to receive guests in the foyer. It puts one in the awkward position of having to invite oneself in.

EMILY

Uh, yes, uh, please, I - I'm sorry. Please, come in.

RICHARD

This way. [Richard leads her to the living room]

EMILY

What is she doing here?

LORELAI

She's visiting.

EMILY

She didn't call, she always calls.

LORELAI

Oh, it's Dad's birthday. She wanted it to be a surprise.

EMILY

But I haven't prepared. I haven't shopped or set up the guest room and – oh God, her horrible gifts are still in the basement. What do I do?

LORELAI

Leave 'em there.

EMILY

But –

LORELAI

It's too late to do anything about that now. Come on.

TRIX

Oh, Emily, you're still here.

EMILY

Yes, of course I'm still here. Can I get you some champagne?

TRIX

Well, if you wish me to be violently ill tomorrow, absolutely.

LORELAI

Do not answer that.

RICHARD

I've got you covered Trix. Now, tell me what on earth you're doing here. You didn't travel all the way from England just for my birthday.

TRIX

Oh, I think your birthday is a good enough reason to travel all the way from England. However, it did also happen to coincide with some business I needed to attend to.

RORY

What kind of business?

TRIX

Well, for the past year, I've been renting my home in Hartford to a group of musicians. They've recently moved out, so I had to come check on the house and secure a new tenant.

LORELAI

What kind of musicians?

TRIX

A rock and roll group of some sort. I believe they call themselves Korn.

LORELAI

You rented your house to Korn?

RORY

That's so cool!

TRIX

They were fine tenants. Took wonderful care of the place. They planted some lovely tulips in the front yard.

EMILY

So, Mom, if you're going to be here for awhile, I can plan some things for you to do, some outings you might enjoy.

TRIX

Like what?

EMILY

Like the arboretum.

TRIX

I have no desire to spend the entire day with plants, Emily. I'm not a bee. Besides, I already know what I would like to do. I would like to see where Lorelai works.

LORELAI

The inn?

TRIX

I thought we could all have dinner there.

LORELAI

Oh, well, sure. That would be great.

TRIX

Wonderful. Tomorrow night, then.

RORY

Oh...

LORELAI

Well...

TRIX

What?

LORELAI

It's just that tomorrow night we were planning to go to this winter carnival at the high school...

RORY

But we can skip it.

TRIX

Absolutely not. Rory, you're a young person who works hard. It's equally important to have fun. You go to the carnival.

RORY

Thank you.

TRIX

Lorelai, you've had enough fun in your life.

LORELAI

And then some.

TRIX

Dinner will be for the grown-ups. Now, how is the birthday going?

RICHARD

Wonderfully. They're spoiling me rotten. Emily got me the most beautiful humidor. It's from 1917, and was owned by a lieutenant in World War I.

TRIX

You know, your father had a humidor that was owned by Victor Hugo.

RICHARD

Really?

TRIX

I still have it if you'd like it.

RICHARD

Well, I'd love it.

TRIX

Fine. I'll take care of it as soon as I get back to London. Now, if you will excuse me, I should like to freshen up.

EMILY

I'll make sure the guest room's ready.

RICHARD

Oh, I can do that, Emily.

TRIX

Thank you, Richard. Emily, I expect to return in twenty minutes. That should give you enough time to pull my gifts out of storage and place them around the room as if they actually stand there all year. [leaves room]

LORELAI

You want some help with those gifts?

EMILY

Yes, please.

SOOKIE

Twelve courses, each paired with a specific wine, and for dessert, individual chocolate amaretto mousse cakes in the shape of a G.

LORELAI

Sookie, look what you've done.

SOOKIE

Over the top?

LORELAI

On a monumental scale.

SOOKIE

Exactly what I was going for. I'm also going to have individual little menus printed up and placed at each setting.

LORELAI

I love you for doing this.

MICHEL

Your mother is on the phone.

LORELAI

Oh, can you take a message?

MICHEL

You mean, do I have the physical and mental capabilities to take a message? Why, yes, I do, however...

LORELAI

I got it. [takes the phone] Hey Mom.

EMILY

She wants to see your house.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Tonight, before the dinner.

LORELAI

Oh, okay.

EMILY

Okay? Did you hear what I said? That horrifying woman wants to see your house. Your house – the one with the monkey lamp.

LORELAI

Mom, relax.

EMILY

Is it clean?

LORELAI

Yeah, it's clean.

EMILY

If I came in there wearing white gloves, what would I find?

LORELAI

That you could pull a rabbit out of your hat?

EMILY

I don't know what to do. Oh, nevermind, I'll just figure it out when I get there.

LORELAI

When you get where?

EMILY

I'll call you later, Lorelai.

LORELAI

When you get where, Mom?

EMILY

I'm turning onto your street now.

LORELAI

Mom, no!

EMILY

I'll just let myself in. I know you keep a key in the turtle or some ridiculous thing like that.

LORELAI

Mom, I beg of you, make a very dangerous u-turn right now and go back where you came from.

EMILY

I'm here. I'll talk to you later, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Mom... mom!

FRANCIE

Oh, Rory, super. Could you step in here for a sec?

RORY

Oh, okay.

FRANCIE

Thanks. I'm just so lucky I caught you.

RORY

What is this?

FRANCIE

The supplementary student council meeting, silly.

RORY

But Paris canceled that.

FRANCIE

She did, didn't she? Hm.

RORY

What's going on?

LOUISE

You tell us.

RORY

I don't know.

MADELINE

Francie said there was an issue that has to be discussed.

LOUISE

We figured you ok'ed it.

RORY

I did not okay it. Mr. Hunter, there's been a mistake. Paris canceled this meeting and –

MR. HUNTER

I know, Rory, but Francie approached me and said there was an issue that she had planned to discuss at the meeting today, and it has a bit of a ticking clock on it.

RORY

You did not mention that you had anything.

FRANCIE

I was just so surprised that Paris was canceling the meeting that it flew right out of my head. It was New York to London in three hours or less.

RORY

I'll bet.

MR. HUNTER

Rory, if you take a seat, we can get started.

RORY

I move that we postpone this meeting until Paris can be reached.

MR. HUNTER

We're all here now, let's just hear what Francie has to say. You can fill Paris in later. By the way, did anyone try to find her?

FRANCIE

I saw her walking off with... who was that, her brother?

LOUISE

Paris doesn't have a brother.

FRANCIE

Really? Well, she certainly seemed to know him.

RORY

Francie, why don't you just tell us all why we're here?

LOUISE

And how long we're staying.

FRANCIE

The Wadsworth Mansion has just had a cancellation, which means that we can get it for prom, if we move quickly. Shall we vote?

RORY

Hold on – the Wadsworth Mansion is too expensive. We've already discussed this.

FRANCIE

There are plenty of funds there to cover it.

RORY

Not if we want a telescope to be the senior gift.

FRANCIE

You mean, not if Paris wants a telescope to be the senior gift.

RORY

We all thought it was a good idea.

FRANCIE

Reach for the stars? Nice theme, original. Was 'Be all that you can be' taken?

RORY

It's a good gift.

FRANCIE

It's a fine gift. However, so is planting a nice tree in the quad.

RORY

Every class plants a tree.

FRANCIE

Well, then, who are we to judge those who came before? I say, let's put it to a vote.

RORY

This isn't right. Paris should be here.

FRANCIE

I agree, Paris should be here. However, she's not, so once again, shall we vote?

MR. HUNTER

Rory, as student body vice president, I need you to call for a vote.

RORY

All those in favor of using the funds for the Wadsworth Mansion, even though we will be cheating the next generation of Chilton students who would love a nice telescope, say aye.

ALL

Aye.

RORY

Wadsworth Mansion it is.

FRANCIE

Meeting dismissed. Chin up, we'll make it a really big tree.

LORELAI

Hold it right there! Step back and move away from the couch.

EMILY

This couch cannot stay.

LORELAI

Yes, it can.

EMILY

It's awful.

LORELAI

It can hear you.

EMILY

Please.

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

Well, what about the chair? Let me move the chair.

LORELAI

No, the chair stays also.

EMILY

Well, we have to do something. I brought flowers over and can't find a decent vase. All I could find was a ceramic Betty Boop head.

LORELAI

Mom, you're making yourself crazy.

EMILY

I know. We'll get some tarps and throw them over everything and tell her that you're painting.

LORELAI

Mom, stop it. What is so horrible about this room?

EMILY

Well, look at it.

LORELAI

I am. I like it.

EMILY

Well, you may like it, but your grandmother will not. She's going to take one look around here at the junk store collection of hobo furniture and she's going to blame me.

LORELAI

For what?

EMILY

For letting you live like this. For not teaching you better. For not redecorating while you're out of town.

LORELAI

Well, we're never out of town.

EMILY

For not sending you out of town so I could redecorate!

LORELAI

Mom, you don't believe that.

EMILY

Everything that's wrong in your life is my fault. Everything that's wrong in your father's life is my fault. Basically, everything's that wrong is my fault.

LORELAI

Mom, would you sit down for a minute.

EMILY

And it's lumpy, perfect.

LORELAI

Mom, if I may, I'd like to give you some advice.

EMILY

You would?

LORELAI

You need to develop a defense mechanism for dealing with Grandma.

EMILY

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

You just need a system, a new mindset. Take me, for example.

EMILY

What about you?

LORELAI

Well, I know there are many things in my life you don't approve of.

EMILY

Like what?

LORELAI

Like this couch.

EMILY

Well, this couch is terrible.

LORELAI

Okay, good – you think the couch is terrible. Now, at one point in my life, you saying a couch that I carefully picked out and had to pay off over eight months is terrible might've hurt my feelings, but not anymore.

EMILY

No?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

Why not?

LORELAI

Because one day, I decided that instead of being hurt and upset by your disapproval, I'm gonna be amused. I'm gonna find it funny. I'm even going to take a little bit of pleasure in it.

EMILY

You take pleasure in my disapproval?

LORELAI

I encourage it sometimes just for a laugh.

EMILY

I don't know what to think of that.

LORELAI

Think, 'hey, that's brilliant', because this idea could set you free.

LORELAI

Mom, what are you thinking about?

EMILY

That ridiculous Betty Boop head.

LORELAI

[smiles] Mmhmm. So am I.

RORY

Francie, so good of you to stop by. I know how busy you are. Gum?

FRANCIE

What's your damage, Gilmore?

RORY

Damage? No damage. I just thought we should chat.

FRANCIE

Yeah? Well, I don't have any–

RORY

Oh, you know what, I changed my mind. I don't think we should chat, I think I should chat. Ready? Okay. That little stunt you pulled – not good.

FRANCIE

Stunt?

RORY

Paris canceled that meeting.

FRANCIE

Something came up.

RORY

Then you should have brought it to Paris.

FRANCIE

Paris wasn't around. She was off yet again with the mystery man.

RORY

Jealous?

FRANCIE

Of Paris' lobotomy victim? I think not.

RORY

What is wrong with you? So what if Paris has a boyfriend? You don't think that as hard as Paris works in school or on the Franklin or on student council - you don't think that she deserves to have a boyfriend and to enjoy it?

FRANCIE

Hey, no one is denying Gidget a chance to snag Moondoggie for the clambake, but the rest of us have things to accomplish.

RORY

You've had one goal since the beginning of the year.

FRANCIE

To achieve the perfect liquid line.

RORY

To take Paris down.

FRANCIE

And to achieve the perfect liquid line.

RORY

I tried to intervene, I tried to smooth the path between both sides, but you know what? That's over.

FRANCIE

Oh, it is?

RORY

Yes, it is. I'm finished being your go-between. You're a jerk, and if you wanna play it this way, then fine. All bets are off. I'm no longer your ally. You wanna play rough – fine. I've read The Art of War. I can be just as big a pain in your butt as you are in Paris', capiche?

FRANCIE

You do not wanna be my enemy, Marlo Thomas.

RORY

I think I do, Tina Louise.

FRANCIE

Fine.

RORY

It is fine.

FRANCIE

Can I go now?

RORY

The door's right there.

FRANCIE

You're gonna be very sorry.

RORY

Am I?

FRANCIE

Oh yes... you are.

RORY

I'm good with that.

RORY

I'm running out of space.

LORELAI

How many bouquets you got left?

RORY

Three.

LORELAI

Can you put 'em on your dresser?

RORY

Dresser's full.

LORELAI

Can you squish 'em in with another bunch?

RORY

Already squished.

LORELAI

Can you toss 'em out the window like I did my last five bouquets?

RORY

Done.

LORELAI

Great.

LORELAI

Okay, so monkey lamp's in the closet, singing rabbi's in a drawer, and all Spice Girl memorabilia's under your bed. How do I look?

RORY

Like a woman who does not own any Spice Girl memorabilia.

LORELAI

You look pretty, too.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

And I want a play-by-play of the carnival tonight.

RORY

I promise.

LORELAI

And you can leave out all the –

RORY

Hand kissing sounds, gladly.

LORELAI

Oop, they're here.

RORY

Hey, if she doesn't like the house – what happens then?

LORELAI

I think we have to move. Smile pretty.

LORELAI

Hi Mom, hi Dad, hi Gran. Was your trip good?

TRIX

The trip was fine. Hello Rory.

RORY

Hi Gran. Hi Grandma, hi Grandpa.

TRIX

Now that we've exhausted the greetings, kindly move aside. I'd like to see your house.

LORELAI

Oh, come on in.

EMILY

If I pass out...

LORELAI

I'll yell timber. So, Gran, what do you think? I mean, it's not much. Probably too modest for Korn, but Weezer'd be pretty comfortable.

TRIX

Let's go.

RORY

Are we moving?

LORELAI

I don't know.

EMILY

Lorelai, I swear to God, if you prolong this evening...

LORELAI

Coming.

RORY

Have fun.

EMILY

No one appreciates your sarcasm, young lady.

RORY

Boy, it's pretty out tonight, isn't it?

JESS

Sure is.

RORY

Like a snow globe.

JESS

Mmhmm.

RORY

Sparkly. I mean, I don't think a night comes any prettier than this one. And if you take a really pretty night and add a corndog...

JESS

I'm not going to that carnival with you.

RORY

Why not?

JESS

I will be in front of Miss Patty's at nine as promised.

RORY

You are stubborn and impossible.

JESS

See you at nine.

CLARA

Rory!

RORY

Clara, hi!

CLARA

I haven't seen you in forever.

RORY

Longer than forever.

DEAN

She got away from me.

JESS

Buy a stronger leash.

DEAN

Hey, uh, did you see they got the crazy psychic from Woodbury again?

RORY

You're kidding. I thought she got arrested.

DEAN

She's out now and sitting right over there.

RORY

I love her. She always tells me I'm gonna be rich and famous.

DEAN

She tells everybody that they're gonna be rich and famous.

CLARA

Who are you?

JESS

No one.

CLARA

Yes, you are.

JESS

No, I'm not.

RORY

That's Jess. Jess, this is Clara.

CLARA

Are you guys going to the carnival?

RORY

I'm going, Jess isn't.

CLARA

Why not?

RORY

He has things to do.

CLARA

Then you can go with me and Dean, right?

RORY

Oh, well...

JESS

I'm going.

RORY

What?

JESS

To the carnival. I'm going to the carnival.

CLARA

I thought you had things to do.

JESS

Well, I don't.

CLARA

Rory just said you had things to do.

JESS

Hey Tatu, just look at the plane, will ya?

CLARA

What?

RORY

Jess, you don't have to go. We can meet later like you said.

JESS

What? No. Come on, how many chances does a guy have to go to a Stars Hollow High winter carnival, right?

CLARA

Right.

JESS

Okay, then. Let's go.

CLARA

To the carnival!

JESS

To the carnival.

CLARA

I want a pretzel and a snowcone and a cheese stick...

DEAN

Pace yourself.

CLARA

Rory never tells me to pace myself.

LORELAI

And this is our dining room.

TRIX

Small.

LORELAI

Or quaint.

TRIX

Touche.

RICHARD

Oh, you're in for a real treat, Trix. This Sookie is one of the best chefs around.

LORELAI

Here's our table, Gran. Why don't you sit here?

TRIX

All right. Well, Lorelai, I must say, on first viewing, this little inn of yours looks quite impressive.

LORELAI

Thank you.

TRIX

I mean, it's certainly no arboretum, but it's nice just the same.

EMILY

It was just a suggestion, Mom.

TRIX

Yes, it was. Oh, look, a menu.

RICHARD

Well, that's a nice little touch.

LORELAI

Well, Sookie wanted everything perfect for tonight.

MICHEL

Hey, there you are.

LORELAI

Oh, Michel, great. Gran, I'd like you to meet Michel Gerard, our concierge. Michel, this is my grandmother, Lorelai.

MICHEL

Very pleased to meet you.

TRIX

Do you have a pen?

MICHEL

Uh, why, of course.

TRIX

Now, please take this to your chef. These are the times I would like each course to appear at this table. I like a brisk pace, twelve minutes per course is best for my digestion. However, please tell your servers that they are not to clear until everyone has finished. Thank you.

MICHEL

Oh, no, thank you. It is so rare that I get to carry a note anymore.

CLARA

Is Jess your real name?

JESS

Yes.

CLARA

Do you like it?

JESS

It's fine.

CLARA

Would you rather be named Bill?

JESS

No.

CLARA

Frank?

JESS

No.

CLARA

Mike?

JESS

No.

CLARA

Bob?

JESS

No.

CLARA

Ed?

JESS

Does this belong to you?

DEAN

Clara, you want a snowcone?

CLARA

Yes. Will you go get me a snowcone?

JESS

Absolutely. Go stand in the middle of the street and wait for me, I'll be right back.

DEAN

I'll get your snowcone.

CLARA

And one for Rory, too.

DEAN

And one for Rory, too.

RORY

Thanks.

CLARA

Do you wash your hair?

JESS

Yes, I wash my hair.

CLARA

Then why does it stick up like that?

JESS

Because.

CLARA

It looks crazy.

LANE

Rory!

RORY

Hey, how's the fundraiser going? The turnout looks good.

LANE

The turnout's great. Apparently, people are starved for entertainment around here.

RORY

Well, hurrah for bad cable reception.

LANE

So, I'm sorry, but did I just see you with Jess and Dean, or do I need a new prescription?

RORY

Your prescription's fine.

LANE

So explain.

RORY

Tomorrow at Luke's. I need to get back before there's a more exciting ending to the evening.

LANE

Forget nothing.

RORY

I promise.

CLARA

You missed. You missed. You missed.

JESS

Hey, you wanna learn how to fly?

RORY

How's everybody doing?

CLARA

Jess can't throw.

JESS

I can, too.

CLARA

You missed every time.

JESS

I can't concentrate with your annoying midget voice yammering on and on. It's like having Stuart Little shoved in my ear.

DEAN

Here. They only had cherry.

RORY

Oh, that's all we need.

DEAN

So, you play any of the games yet?

CLARA

Nope, I've been watching him lose. You don't get a bear, but it's still pretty fun.

DEAN

Well, how about I go beat you at ice bowling?

CLARA

You can't beat me.

DEAN

Oh, I think I can.

CLARA

Let's go!

DEAN

We'll be back.

RORY

Okay. So, how much to play?

JESS

A dollar.

RORY

Okay.

JESS

I got it.

RORY

Just for the record, I'm a girl and we are supposed to throw like this.

JESS

So you got anything you wanna tell me?

RORY

I like your crazy hair.

JESS

You weren't just gonna go to the carnival with Dean?

RORY

No. Running into them was a total coincidence. I swear.

JESS

Okay.

RORY

Not even close.

JESS

So when did you and Dean get so buddy-buddy again?

RORY

We're not so buddy-buddy.

JESS

Last time I checked, you weren't even speaking. Now he's fetching you snowcones?

RORY

He was getting one for Clara.

JESS

You guys talking?

RORY

No, we're not talking. We talked, once.

JESS

You got my interest.

RORY

We ran into each other and he wanted to get coffee, so I did, and we talked.

JESS

About?

RORY

Just boring things. Clara's horseback riding, his college application, nothing earth shattering.

JESS

Uh huh.

RORY

And he asked if we could be friends, and I said sure.

JESS

Friends?

RORY

Jess, he knows we're together, okay? And it's a small town. Dean and I will see it each other, and I just thought it wouldn't hurt to be polite.

JESS

So you're just being polite?

RORY

Yes. Dean has never done anything bad to me, and I just, I want to –

JESS

I got it.

RORY

You're mad.

JESS

Nope, just figured you could've told me.

RORY

I'm sorry.

JESS

No biggie. You gonna throw that?

RORY

You're really not mad?

JESS

Nope, not mad at all.

RORY

And you understand?

JESS

I understand.

RORY

And you believe me?

JESS

Like you're standing with an ax next to a cherry tree.

RORY

And you're okay with it?

JESS

Will you just throw the ball?

RORY

Oh my God, I did it!

JESS

Very impressive.

BOY

Here you go, congratulations. [hands her a stuffed bear]

RORY

Thanks. Hello sad, pathetic bear.

JESS

You know, I could've bought you that thing for a quarter.

RORY

No, it's better that I won it. Maybe Clara would like it.

JESS

Yes, shoved in her mouth.

RORY

She's cute.

JESS

Oh, just darling.

RICHARD

And so far, knock wood, things seem to be picking up.

TRIX

Well, it's about time you went into business. Oh, Emily, you should've encouraged him to do this years ago.

EMILY

Yes, I should've.

TRIX

He's a go-getter, your father. Not completely dissimilar to yourself.

LORELAI

Thank you, Gran.

SOOKIE

Hello. Just wanted to check and see how your dinner was coming along.

LORELAI

Sookie, it's amazing. Gran, this is our chef, Sookie.

TRIX

The food is excellent.

SOOKIE

Thank you very much.

TRIX

Young lady, your uniform has a large cut down the middle of your back.

SOOKIE

It does? Oh yeah, I did get myself, huh.

EMILY

Sookie, how on earth did you do that?

SOOKIE

Oh, well, I... and the – the chop flew, so I lunged... and then the floor slipped... and then... ooh! You know, and I just... did a flip, ya know. I guess you just kind of had to be there.

TRIX

Yes, apparently so.

SOOKIE

Okay, well, nice to meet you. I have to get back. We have quite a tight schedule to follow.

TRIX

Yes, we do.

RICHARD

So, Trix, let's talk about the Hartford house. Do you have a new tenant lined up yet?

TRIX

Yes, I do.

RICHARD

Hmm. Who?

TRIX

Me.

EMILY

What?

TRIX

I wasn't going to bring this up tonight, but since you asked, my health hasn't been too good lately.

RICHARD

What, what's the matter?

TRIX

What the matter is, I'm not twenty. Anyhow, the weather in London is quite damp, and I have a yearning to be a little closer to my immediate family, so now that Korn has moved out of my house, I thought perhaps I would move back in.

LORELAI

Um, when, Gran?

TRIX

As soon as I can close up the London house and get my affairs in order.

RICHARD

Well, I think that's a wonderful idea. I'm thrilled. In fact, I'm so thrilled, I'm not going to be angry with you for not telling me you were in ill health.

TRIX

I will be fine, Richard.

RICHARD

You will be fine, because as soon as you're back here, I'm going to send you to the finest doctors.

TRIX

Whatever you say.

RICHARD

And Emily and I are going to look after you completely, day and night. You can count on us.

TRIX

I knew I could. Oh, it's time for the next course. Waiter, our next course please.

EMILY

I'm not done.

TRIX

What do you mean, you're not done? You had twelve minutes.

EMILY

I'm not done.

TRIX

Fine, we will wait.

LORELAI

That'll do, pig. That'll do.

JESS

Need some help with the big words?

DEAN

Sure. Why don't you come over here and I'll show you which one's giving me a hard time.

JESS

You're getting a little pathetic man.

DEAN

Thanks for the heads up.

JESS

Let's be friends?

DEAN

No thanks.

JESS

You don't think I know what you're doing? You don't think it's so pathetically transparent?

DEAN

Get out of here, Jess.

JESS

Rory's taking pity on you. That's why the sudden interest in being your friend. You know that?

DEAN

Whatever you say.

JESS

The saddest part of this whole thing is...

DEAN

Man, you like hearing yourself talk.

JESS

You really think that by being her friend, you're gonna get her back.

DEAN

I don't know what you're talking about.

JESS

No, huh?

DEAN

Rory and I are just friends, just like you and Rory were just friends. And hey, look how it turned out for you.

CLARA

Okay, I'm ready for popcorn.

DEAN

You got it.

CLARA

Bye Jess. You think Rory wants some popcorn?

DEAN

I don't know. Let's go ask her.

RORY

This is very impressive.

LORELAI

Not as impressive as my mother making four green beans last an hour and a half.

RORY

I wish I'd seen that.

LORELAI

When she finally got to the last bean, she cut it in six pieces. I swear, I thought Gran was gonna lunge across the table at her.

RORY

The student surpasses the master.

LORELAI

I was a little proud. Although I'm bummed I missed the carnival.

RORY

There's a snowcone in the freezer for you.

LORELAI

How'd it finally end with Cheech and Chong?

RORY

Jess knows I'm friends with Dean, Dean knows I'm dating Jess, and they both seem fine with it. What?

LORELAI

I just like that once in awhile, you still seem like a little kid.

RORY

They do, I swear.

LORELAI

Let's just watch the snow.