T3E11: “I Solemnly Swear”

LORELAI

Hi.

MAID

Good evening. May I take your coats?

LORELAI

Oh, sure, thanks.

EMILY

[from living room] That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard.

MAID

Your mother's in the living room.

LORELAI

So last chance to run, huh?

MAID

Excuse me?

RORY

Just ignore her.

EMILY

Of course I said it. Well, I can't imagine who would take jackbooted as a compliment. I will not apologize. Every time she went to the pantry, I thought she was marching on Poland. Oh, I see, because I want things a certain way, I'm unreasonable?

RORY

Shh!

EMILY

Why, that is the most absurd... I want to see this document. Fax it to me immediately.

LORELAI

Fax it to me immediately?

RORY

She's part of the electronic age.

EMILY

Tomorrow morning is completely unacceptable. It's unacceptable because I'm paying you three hundred dollars an hour. So turn that little near-luxury car around, go back to your office, and fax me that libelous scrap of paper.

LORELAI

Ask him if he can pick up some ice cream, too.

EMILY

Well, tell your wife to tape your daughter's recital. [hangs up] Unbelievable.

LORELAI

Hi Mom.

RORY

Hi Grandma.

EMILY

When did you two get here?

LORELAI

Sometime between the second absurd and the third unbelievable.

EMILY

I apologize. That call caught me off guard.

RORY

Is everything all right, Grandma?

EMILY

Everything's fine.

LORELAI

Are you sure?

EMILY

I'm sure.

LORELAI

You look peeved.

EMILY

I'm not peeved.

LORELAI

Well, you look peeved.

EMILY

Kindly stop making me say the word peeved.

LORELAI

Mom, spill it. What's wrong?

EMILY

That was our lawyer calling to inform me that one of our former maids is suing for wrongful termination.

LORELAI

Hm.

EMILY

You might at least act surprised.

LORELAI

It's not the first time, is it?

EMILY

It most certainly is.

LORELAI

Really?

EMILY

Yes, Lorelai, really.

LORELAI

Well, then, I'm surprised.

EMILY

It's beyond surprising, it's outrageous.

RORY

What did Grandpa say?

EMILY

Your Grandfather's still in London helping his mother close down her house. Of course he'd be gone when this happens.

LORELAI

I think he planned it that way.

RORY

Which maid was it?

EMILY

Gerta, the one from Hamburg, Germany.

LORELAI

Which one was she?

RORY

You remember – she was the one you made all those Hamburg/hamburger jokes to.

LORELAI

God, I beat that dead horse.

RORY

With glee.

EMILY

She was the clomper.

LORELAI

The clomper?

EMILY

She'd be upstairs making the beds and it'd sound like a Munich beer hall rally.

LORELAI

That's why you fired her?

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

Because she made noise when she walked?

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

Was she a good maid otherwise?

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Besides the clomping, was she polite, on time, made sure the little fork went on the outside?

EMILY

Have you been listening to me? She was not performing her duties as I wished them to be performed. Everything else is beside the point.

LORELAI

Well, I guess it's always something, isn't it?

EMILY

What's that supposed to mean?

LORELAI

It means you always seem to find the one thing about a maid that negates all of her good qualities. I mean, at a certain point, isn't it just easier to let a couple things slide?

EMILY

I see. So it's my fault?

LORELAI

I didn't say that.

EMILY

No, Lorelai, you did. For years, I've been listening to you and your father and everyone else go on and on about how demanding I am, how I have to have things a certain way. Well, guess what? I pay to have them that way. I pay more than anyone else pays their maids, and when things are not the way I want, that means I'm not getting what I paid for. Why is that so hard to understand?

LORELAI

It isn't hard to understand, it's just –

EMILY

If you pay for first class and the airline sticks you in coach, people expect you to be upset. No one calls you demanding or unreasonable. And yet here is this woman whom I pay more than she can get anywhere else in Hartford, whose severance package could finance a summer cruise down the Rhine, dragging me into court saying that I was unfair. Why? Because having paid for one thing, I'm not content with something else? That makes me unfair? Well, then, so be it. Let someone else pay first class and ride in steerage, not me.

MAID

Excuse me, Mrs. Gilmore, dinner's ready

EMILY

Thank you, Brooke, we'll be right there.

EMILY

Wait, wait, wait. Do you hear that?

LORELAI

Hear what?

EMILY

Exactly.

SOOKIE

You know, next time I want some grapefruit, I'm just gonna ask for a kazoo because you can only seem to get me the most bizarre opposite.

JACKSON

What is your problem?

MICHEL

I need you to –

LORELAI

Shh!

MICHEL

What? Oh, it started. You were supposed to call me.

LORELAI

Stop talking.

JACKSON

I understand perfectly. You wanna be a dictator.

SOOKIE

Oh, come off it.

JACKSON

Commandant St. James says, "Brussels sprouts! You will bring me the Brussels sprouts."

SOOKIE

I'm trying to plan a menu here, Jackson!

MICHEL

Fill me in, please.

LORELAI

Jackson brought pea tendrils instead of Brussels sprouts.

MICHEL

Well, aren't we Evil Knievel?

LORELAI

Coffee?

MICHEL

Oh, please.

SOOKIE

Pea tendrils are too delicate to serve with the lamb shank!

JACKSON

I don't think that they are.

SOOKIE

Where are the Brussels sprouts?

JACKSON

I looked at the stalks, they weren't good enough.

SOOKIE

You always do this to me.

JACKSON

Doesn't it matter that I care so much about the quality of the produce that I sell you that I'd be willing to risk an enormous argument just to save your dinner.

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

Oops, that was dumb.

SOOKIE

Save my dinner?

JACKSON

You know what I meant.

SOOKIE

Yes, my dinner is out standing on a ledge. Oh no! What's gonna happen?

JACKSON

Sookie.

SOOKIE

Oh wait! What's that? It's a bird, it's a plane, it's Super Jackson and his atomic pea tendrils!

JACKSON

You wanna get another produce guy?

SOOKIE

Maybe I should!

JACKSON

Well, go ahead!

SOOKIE

Don't tempt me!

JACKSON

That's it, I am leaving.

SOOKIE

Go! And take the tendrils with you!

JACKSON

Fine! See you tonight?

SOOKIE

I love you.

LORELAI

And it always ends with a hug.

MICHEL

Hm.

LORELAI

Okay, what do you need?

MICHEL

The new insurance policies you ordered.

LORELAI

Good. Now the inspector's supposed to be coming by to check the place out tomorrow, so you're gonna have to show him around.

MICHEL

What?

LORELAI

You're covering for me, remember?

MICHEL

Oh, yes, that's right. Tomorrow the two of you go back to school.

LORELAI

It's not school, it's a one-day course at the learning center.

SOOKIE

How to run an inn.

MICHEL

Yes, amazing you've been able to fake it so long.

LORELAI

This is specific to opening small inns, bed and breakfasts.

MICHEL

I see. Order half of everything. There – you owe me seventy-five dollars.

LORELAI

Why are you being such a snob about this? You went to hotel school.

MICHEL

I attended the Ecole Hôtelière de Genève.

LORELAI

Wow, that's gotta make one hell of a sweatshirt.

MICHEL

It was one of the premiere hotel schools in the world. You two, on the other hand, are going to take a two-hour course at the Radisson.

SOOKIE

Jackson's taken a lot of courses through The Learning Center and he loves it. He took beekeeping –

LORELAI

Jackson keeps bees?

SOOKIE

No, it turned out he was allergic. One stung his lip and his whole head blew up to three times his normal size.

MICHEL

Please tell me you have pictures.

SOOKIE

He also took a course in how to buy foreclosed real estate, and how to write a diary.

LORELAI

How do you not know how to write a diary?

SOOKIE

He's a searcher.

LORELAI

Yes, he is.

SOOKIE

Plus, I think he was really lonely before we got together and he didn't live near a good bar.

MICHEL

Yes, well, I predict that tomorrow will be a complete waste of time and money, and I will be here to laugh at you when you return.

LORELAI

Thanks for your support. Forget him. Opening our own is a huge step, and anything that might help is worth trying.

SOOKIE

Exactly partner.

LORELAI

Now tell me you got pictures of Jackson and his giant head.

SOOKIE

I'll bring 'em in tomorrow.

RORY

Hey Paris.

PARIS

Have you looked over the votes for commencement speaker?

RORY

Yeah.

PARIS

Are the ones for Princess Diana's butler jokes or real?

RORY

I'd say jokes.

PARIS

What about the ones for Dr. Phil?

RORY

I think real.

PARIS

I knew that suggestion box was a bad idea. Watch Choate get Joan Didion while we're being read "Eloise at the Plaza."

RORY

Listen, before the others get here, we should probably decide what we're going to do.

PARIS

About what?

RORY

About the prom coup Francie staged last week.

PARIS

You mean booking Wadsworth Mansion?

RORY

Using all of the money reserved for the telescope that we wanted to buy for the senior gift.

PARIS

Why does one pinhead always have to vote for Jerry Garcia?

RORY

I'm not sure if the deposit check has been sent yet, but -

PARIS

I already took care of that.

RORY

What?

PARIS

Wadsworth Mansion is owned by the Connecticut Daughters of the Mayflower. Most of those biddies couldn't negotiate an icy sidewalk much less a contract. Took me about five minutes on the phone to get them down to half their asking price.

RORY

You're kidding.

PARIS

Well, there was no way I was letting the class gift be a stupid tree just so Ginger Spice can have her Barbie dream prom.

RORY

She's a sneak.

PARIS

She's not smart enough to be a sneak. Anyone can call a meeting. It's that loser Mr. Hunter that let her get away with it.

RORY

Well, she kind of forced him into it.

PARIS

You can't force a teacher into something, Rory. No, it was Hunter. He's been jealous of me since I got into office. Whenever I announce I have a new motion to introduce, he flinches. Actually, physically tightens up for a moment. It's creepy.

RORY

Yeah, but –

FRANCIE

Well, out fearless leaders at work already. I feel so safe.

RORY

That girl bugs me.

PARIS

Relax, she's harmless.

MR. HUNTER

Paris, Rory.

PARIS

Paris, Rory. Bed wetter. Shall we sit?

RORY

Fine, let's sit.

PARIS

I call this meeting of the student council to order. Is the secretary ready?

MADELINE

I am.

PARIS

Then let's proceed. First of all, I'd like to apologize for missing last week's somewhat impromptu meeting. As most of you know, its scheduling was somewhat unorthodox since the meeting was a supplementary meeting, which was a concept invented by me. So the fact that anyone would hold a meeting invented by a certain person without that certain person seems, well... let's see, what's the word? Mutinous, insulting, underhanded, and in the end, fruitless, since I managed to re-negotiate the rental fee for the Wadsworth Mansion so that we'll be able to have the prom and give the school a respectable senior gift in the form of a telescope. Any questions, Mr. Christian? I mean, Mr. Hunter.

MR. HUNTER

Uh, no.

PARIS

Good. So, now that that's out of the way, let's move onto other business. Francie?

FRANCIE

As you know, Health Week is coming up. We have speakers lined up to discuss everything from heart disease and exercise to the dangers of sun damage and fried food. Everyone's booked and ready to go. The only thing left to figure out is where to set up the sign-up table for the annual blood drive.

FRANCIE

Geez!

RORY

What's the matter?

LOUISE

She hates the word blood.

FRANCIE

Give me a heart attack.

LOUISE

Just keep your hands on your ears.

MADELINE

Tell me when it's over.

FRANCIE

As I was saying before the freak-out, we need to figure out where to place the sign up table for the blood drive.

MADELINE

I can still here her.

LOUISE

Hum to yourself.

PARIS

Continue, please.

FRANCIE

I am proposing putting it in the cafeteria. It's got easy access, maximum exposure, and almost ninety percent of the student body visits the cafeteria every day. It's the perfect location.

PARIS

Well?

RORY

No.

FRANCIE

Excuse me?

RORY

You can't set up in the cafeteria. It's a fire hazard.

PARIS

It is?

RORY

Yes, it's a fire hazard. You'll have to find another place.

FRANCIE

You're kidding.

RORY

I never kid about fire safety.

FRANCIE

Well, Rory, I actually know the fire codes for the cafeteria, and as long as we don't cram more than three hundred people in there, we can start an opium den and the fire department wouldn't care.

RORY

A, Francie, I think they would care, and B, I'm not talking about numbers. You set up that table, get people thinking about blood, someone smells smoke, and the next thing you know, fifty stampeding teenagers are using your body to lever open a door. I won't allow that.

FRANCIE

This is Xanadu-level of insane.

PARIS

You do realize you're opposing the blood drive?

RORY

No, I'm opposing the blood drive in the cafeteria.

PARIS

Is it really that big a deal?

RORY

It's the rules, Paris, the rules of common decency, and I'll be damned if I let Francie ignore those rules.

PARIS

Well, okay, motion denied. The senior class president will come up with an alternate plan for the location of the sign-up table for the blood drive. Now Louise, poke John Williams over there and tell her she can cut the score, we're moving on. Advertising space in the yearbook is only fifty percent sold as of right now. What are we doing to do about this? Roger, yes?

LORELAI

Dinner!

RORY

Over here.

LORELAI

We are so in luck. It was international grab bag night at Al's.

RORY

Cool. Did you peek?

LORELAI

And ruin the whole point of the mystery dinner? I think not. Pick.

RORY

That one.

LORELAI

Okay. I love this. It's food and a game all in one. Now we open them at the same time.

RORY

I know the rules.

LORELAI

And do not jump the gun.

RORY

There's a lot of pressure associated with international grab bag night.

LORELAI

Well, I am your mother, it is my responsibility to give you structure. Now, on three – one, two, three.

RORY

Hm, Moroccan.

LORELAI

You always say Moroccan.

RORY

And sooner or later, I will be right. What's yours?

LORELAI

Pan-Asian, with a hint of English Colonial, and a few South African influences.

RORY

Way to hedge your bet. Kitchen?

LORELAI

Just let me check the machine.

RORY

Okay.

ANSWERING MACHINE

Ms. Gilmore, it's Bob Merrimam, your mother's lawyer. I'm calling about the little matter of this lawsuit she's involved in. We'd like it if you could give a deposition...

LORELAI

Uh. [picks up the phone and dials a number]

ANSWERING MACHINE

. . on her behalf. It shouldn't be a big deal. If you could just call me tomorrow with some times that would be convenient for you, I can set something up...

LORELAI

Oh, no!

ANSWERING MACHINE

... Thanks, bye.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

No, no, no, no, no.

EMILY

Hello?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

Who is this?

LORELAI

I am not giving a deposition.

EMILY

Of course you are, don't be ridiculous.

LORELAI

Please leave me out of this.

EMILY

I see. So you're just going to let this lead-footed teutonic chambermaid drag your mother into a public forum and humiliate her, is that it? Is that what I'm hearing?

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

Her lawyer knows we asked for this deposition. How do you think it's going to look when you refuse to testify for your own mother?

LORELAI

Like it's none of my business.

EMILY

Oh, and I'm sure the twelve rocket scientists they assemble as a jury of my peers will see it that way.

LORELAI

Honestly, Mom, I doubt they'll be able to find twelve people in the state of Connecticut who haven't been fired by you.

EMILY

I can't believe my own daughter won't come to my defense.

LORELAI

I'm not gonna lie for you.

EMILY

I just want you to tell them how I treat my maids.

LORELAI

I'm not gonna lie for you.

EMILY

All you have to do is tell them I treat the help fairly.

LORELAI

I'm not gonna lie for you.

EMILY

Lorelai, there is something called family loyalty. It means when someone is in trouble, you help them, as I have helped you several times over the years. The very least you could do in return is spend half an hour saying something kind about your mother.

LORELAI

Fine.

EMILY

Thank you. Your devotion is touching. [hangs up]

LORELAI

I have to give a deposition.

RORY

I don't think this is Moroccan – or at least not recently.

LORELAI

Want some of mine?

RORY

Nope.

LORELAI

Yikes. Luke's?

RORY

Let's go.

LECTURER

I can't stress enough the value of a good paint job. One of the first decisions you'll have to make when you open your inn is whether to employ your housekeepers individually or contract out to a housekeeping service. If you use a service, you will be assured of having a replacement housekeeper if one should call in sick or quit suddenly.

SOOKIE

But you'll pay two dollars more an hour and they'll be loyal to the service, not to you.

LECTURER

However, you'll probably end up paying a bit more than if you hired them individually.

SOOKIE

I can't believe you're taking notes. He has said nothing in the last two hours that we didn't already know, and he's saying it really condescendingly. So in addition to being bored, I'm getting hostile, and a little insecure 'cause you're studying and I'm not.

LORELAI

Pick a color.

SOOKIE

Pink!

LORELAI

'Cause you're a girl.

SOOKIE

Exactly.

LORELAI

P–i–n–k. Pick a number.

SOOKIE

Five.

LORELAI

[opens the flap] You will marry Shaun Cassidy and cheat with David.

SOOKIE

Well, good for me.

LORELAI

My turn.

LECTURER

[clears throat] Some of us are here to learn.

LORELAI

Sorry.

SOOKIE

Yeah, sorry.

LORELAI

We had a cootie catcher...

SOOKIE

We're sorry.

LORELAI

Sorry.

LECTURER

As I was saying, the points we've covered should get you started, but remember, it's a long process, so don't get discouraged. I'm sure one day I'll be staying in each and every one of you inns.

LORELAI

He's not staying in our inn.

LECTURER

Now don't run off just yet. We've got one final treat. I'd like to introduce you all to John Mattern.

JOHN

Hello everyone. I'm very pleased to be here addressing you today. I asked Brian if I could just have a few minutes at the end of today to show you all some opportunities that I think you're going to find really exciting. I know that I do. If we could. [turns on the slide projector] Now this is a lovely property that has just become available right outside of Litchfield.

SOOKIE

It's a sales pitch?

LORELAI

They spend two hours telling us nothing, then try to sell us lame property?

SOOKIE

We already know the place we're buying.

LORELAI

I know.

SOOKIE

So what do we do?

LORELAI

I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your head. Let's go.

JOHN

A perfectly restorable sun porch wraps around the entire main structure. Let's step inside this diamond in the rough.

SOOKIE

Unbelievably shocking.

LORELAI

That we could work at an inn for so long and learn so little.

SOOKIE

We must be some kind of dumb.

LORELAI

Who would ever have thought that all inns need doors?

SOOKIE

Not me.

LORELAI

And floors.

SOOKIE

Doors and floors, we can't afford that.

LORELAI

Well, we better, otherwise our guests will fall right through to China.

SOOKIE

I can just imagine the phone calls.

LORELAI

What was Jackson thinking saying these courses were good?

SOOKIE

Please, you're asking me? The man took a course in diary writing.

LORELAI

Thank God – food.

SOOKIE

So, is it worth it if we can make up our seventy-five dollar admission fee in cookies?

LORELAI

Well, considering that in the past hour, I uttered the phrase, "My God, I should've listened to Michel," these better be the best damn cookies in the world.

SOOKIE

[tries one] And they taste like feet.

LORELAI

Oh, well, even their cookies suck. Stand by, I'm going in for coffee.

JOE

Sookie? Sookie St. James?

SOOKIE

Uh huh.

JOE

It's Joe... Joe Mastoni from the Deerhill Lodge.

SOOKIE

Oh my God, Joe! Joe! Joe from the Deerhill Lodge! It's Joe from the Deerhill Lodge! How are you? Sorry. Well, come here. [hugs him] Oh! Lorelai, this is Joe. Joe, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hi.

JOE

Nice to meet you. This is Alex, my partner.

ALEX

Business partner.

LORELAI

Oh, clarification duly noted. Nice to meet you.

SOOKIE

Joe and I worked together one summer up in the Berkshires.

JOE

Oh, God, we had a wild time that summer, didn't we?

LORELAI

You had a wild time, huh? Do tell.

SOOKIE

We'd all work fourteen hours straight, party 'til dawn, then pile in Joe's van and wake up in New Hampshire or Maine with just enough time to get back for the next shift.

JOE

We had a real interesting crew. Sookie, me, Feldman, Mellon, Bung –

LORELAI

Bung?

SOOKIE

He was the grill man. He had been up there for a couple years already, but Joe and I were both in prep.

LORELAI

And I repeat - Bung?

ALEX

Don't look at me. I'm still wondering if Mellon's a man or a woman.

JOE

You know, I promised myself after that summer, I would never chop small green things en masse ever again.

SOOKIE

Or drink all the leftover wine on an empty stomach.

JOE

Let me see your hands. Hey, nice blisters.

SOOKIE

Let me see yours. Ooh, not bad, not bad.

JOE

I'm more careful about using the towels with the hot stuff these days.

SOOKIE

Sissy.

JOE

Yeah, yeah. So what are you doing here?

SOOKIE

Lorelai and I are opening an inn together, so we came for a class.

JOE

Really? Alex and I are here for a class about opening your own coffee place.

ALEX

Chain of coffee places, actually.

SOOKIE

That's great.

JOE

We'll see. It's pretty new territory for us.

ALEX

Joe at least knows the food industry. I'm coming from ironworks, so I basically know what the security gate you pull down at the end of the night should be made of.

JOE

Don't listen to him. Alex is an incredible businessman.

LORELAI

Ah.

ALEX

That's true.

JOE

So far, we've got the business model planned out, there's a couple of prime locations we're interested in. The only thing left to do besides build the place is pick a name.

LORELAI

Oh, little tip, don't choose anything cute.

SOOKIE

Like Jitters.

LORELAI

Or Spill the Beans.

SOOKIE

Or Higher Ground.

LORELAI

Or The Mudhouse.

ALEX

Actually, I kinda like that.

LORELAI

Oh, me too. We call dibs.

ALEX

I thought you were opening an inn.

LORELAI

Well, we wanna keep our options open.

JOE

Hey, did you hear about Feldman's restaurant?

SOOKIE

The Feldster opened a restaurant?

LORELAI

Okay, I know I'm repeating myself, but the Feldster?

SOOKIE

I can't believe he opened his own place. He spent the whole summer getting stoned in the walk-in.

JOE

He was our baker.

LORELAI

Right, that figures.

SOOKIE

Huh?

ALEX

Baker, getting baked, I'm there.

LORELAI

Oh, congratulations. You still can't have The Mudhouse.

JOE

Hey, you remember the last reception we catered? The parakeets, everyone dressed as knights and ladies.

SOOKIE

Oh God!

ALEX

Old friends, huh?

LORELAI

Yeah, there's nothing like 'em.

SOOKIE

I never did figure out how Bung got into a fight with the bride.

JOE

One minute everything was fine, the next he's beaning her with the ice sculpture.

LORELAI

Hey, remember the time you and Fat Sal got locked in the freezer overnight?

ALEX

Fat Sal?

LORELAI

Work with me here.

ALEX

Oh, Fat Sal, yes, right.

SOOKIE

Then Feldman got into a fight with the bride's mother.

JOE

That's right! He went after the whole bridal party.

LORELAI

And you remember how me and the Bruiser –

ALEX

Never liked that guy.

LORELAI

We found you and Fat Sal in the morning and you were frozen together like bacon.

ALEX

Yeah. You know, I still can't eat bacon.

LORELAI

Well...

JOE

And you remember what Feldman told the cops?

SOOKIE

Oh, yeah!

LORELAI

And then before Bruiser and I would let you out, we made you and Fat Sal kiss.

ALEX

I'm not sure I remember that.

SOOKIE

You know, I actually don't remember what Feldman told the cops.

JOE

He tried to pretend he didn't speak English, remember?

SOOKIE

That's right, oh my God! The flooginshorts!

JOE

Yes, the flooginshorts!

LORELAI

Oh, great. Now we have to make up our own language?

ALEX

This is getting exhausting.

JOE

You know, Feldman's restaurant's right here in Hartford.

SOOKIE

No, really?

JOE

Yeah. We should swing by one night and bust his chops.

SOOKIE

Hey, yeah, we could keep sending back plate after plate until he gets so angry he comes out.

JOE

Let's make a plan.

SOOKIE

Sure. Call me at the Independence Inn, that's where we work.

LORELAI

For now.

JOE

Sounds great. I'm so glad we ran into each other.

SOOKIE

Me too.

JOE

And it was nice meeting you, Lorelai. Good luck with everything.

LORELAI

Thanks, you too.

ALEX

I'm really glad we got a chance to catch up.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. Hey, if you see Fat Sal, give him a kiss for me.

ALEX

I'll do that.

LORELAI

Okay.

SOOKIE

Bye.

SOOKIE

Wait, so you and that guy knew each other, too? What a coincidence!

LORELAI

Come on, honey.

PARIS

How many times do I have to tell them? You can't put a two-inch ladle of gravy into a one-inch potato crater. You either need a smaller ladle or a bigger crater – otherwise, you get this.

RORY

Gravy on your asparagus.

PARIS

Yes.

RORY

Paris, the cafeteria workers serve hundreds of students a day. A little gravy spillage is natural.

PARIS

I see. So I should just sit quietly and shovel in whatever slop they throw my way like some inmate in the chow line at Leavenworth doing twenty to life? I don't think so.

RORY

I'll save your seat.

PARIS

They took my tray. I can't believe they took my tray. All I did was go up there and tell them I wanted some new asparagus, and they took my tray. Well, I also told them to buy a slightly looser hair net, one that wouldn't squish the part of the brain that can judge depth and measurements, and then they took my tray, but still... now what? You gonna eat that?

FRANCIE

Good, you're here. We need to talk.

RORY

We have three classes together, we couldn't talk then?

FRANCIE

I thought alone would be better. Besides, you picked the place.

RORY

What do you want?

FRANCIE

I want a truce.

RORY

Excuse me?

FRANCIE

A truce, you know, no more fighty fighty.

RORY

I don't believe you.

FRANCIE

Look, this is not the way I wanted things to work out, honestly. Yes, the hemline thing bugged me, and yes, Paris is not my idea of a secret sister, but I never intended for things to go so far.

RORY

No?

FRANCIE

No. I mean, it's my senior year, too. Why would I want to spend the whole time scheming and fighting? It's too exhausting. I wanna stop this war, this vendetta, this Sicilian thing. It must end.

RORY

This seems awful sudden.

FRANCIE

Yes, well, my time is precious, so if I'm not gonna truly commit to a grudge, I'd like to move on and put that energy somewhere else. Come on, what do you say? Friends, sort of?

RORY

Friends... sort of.

FRANCIE

Shake.

RORY

Stop doing that.

LORELAI

Okay, so you'll come in early and set up the conference room for the group from Michigan.

MICHEL

Yes, I will.

LORELAI

Okay. Now, Sookie's on top of the menu. Let's make sure the, uh, dining room's open for a late lunch, and we need to confirm the number of rooms they'll need.

MICHEL

Yes, I have all of this written down on a notepad right next to my self-help book, "Why Don't People Think You Know What The Hell You're Doing?"

LORELAI

Sorry. I'm just a little stressed at this whole stupid deposition thing.

MICHEL

Relax, it's very easy.

LORELAI

It is? You've done it?

MICHEL

Once, it was nothing.

LORELAI

Why were you deposed?

MICHEL

My neighbor had this dog, a frisky little scamp that used to love to yap to his friends all night long. It was so cute. Then one day he disappeared. I told the police what I knew, but sadly the adorable little chatterbox was never found. It was tragic.

LORELAI

You got rid of a dog?

MICHEL

No.

LORELAI

How could you get rid of a dog?

MICHEL

I will gladly show you the transcript from the lawyer and the results of the lie detector test.

LORELAI

You're heinous.

MICHEL

And very well rested.

JOE

Lorelai, hi. Remember me?

LORELAI

Of course I do. Nice to see you again, Joe.

JOE

This is a beautiful place you have here.

LORELAI

Ah, well, you know... keeps the rain off.

JOE

Right. So, is Sookie around?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, uh, she is. Uh, right through there in the kitchen.

JOE

Thank you.

MICHEL

Here, give me those. I'll file them with the rest.

MICHEL

Ah, stop that!

SOOKIE

Hey, I'll just be a minute.

JOE

Oh no, don't rush.

SOOKIE

I was almost finished with the dinner prep, and then I changed my mind about two of the appetizers.

JOE

Sounds like old times. Though, I gotta say, this place is a long way from the sweatbox at the Deerhill.

SOOKIE

Yeah, we've upgraded a lot in the past few years. We just got a refrigerated prep table and we replaced the two vertical mixers.

JOE

But you still got the old fifty-two inch Viking.

SOOKIE

I know. I just like how big it is. I blew it up once.

JOE

Wow.

SOOKIE

But I had them rebuild it. I refuse to cook on anything else.

JOE

Stick with what you know.

SOOKIE

Exactly. Taste this.

JOE

Maybe a bit more brandy.

SOOKIE

I knew you'd say that.

JOE

Well, people like brandy.

SOOKIE

You mean you like brandy.

JOE

And I'm people. We always had a good time together, didn't we?

SOOKIE

Yeah, it was a good group.

JOE

You always made it better.

SOOKIE

'Cause I kept you fools from driving off the side of a mountain.

JOE

Very true. You know, I'm really glad we ran into each other. It's not often you get a second chance.

SOOKIE

What do you mean?

JOE

I can't tell you how many times I kicked myself for not asking you out that summer. It just seemed like every time I got close, we'd end up talking about the best way to make calves liver or something.

SOOKIE

Sautéed with caramelized onions.

JOE

Exactly. Then when I saw you at the Learning Center, it was like fate was saying, "Here you go, man. Try not to screw it up again." I guess things just had to happen in their own time.

SOOKIE

Uh huh, in their own time. Um, could you just... uh, stir... yeah, I'll be back.

LORELAI

[on phone] Oh, no, sir, I'm afraid we don't offer a complimentary breakfast.

SOOKIE

[whispers] He thinks it's a date.

LORELAI

Uh, yes, sir, I realize the Ramada does.

SOOKIE

[whispers] Lorelai!

LORELAI

Uh, well, if you like, I could recommend a few places in town. Uh, okay, uh huh, sure. Why don't you talk to your wife and call me back. Okay, bye. [hangs up] Hey, Shields and Yarnell, what's going on?

SOOKIE

He thinks it's a date.

LORELAI

What?

SOOKIE

Joe, he thinks this is a date.

LORELAI

Is he crazy?

SOOKIE

Exactly. You were there – it's not a date, is it?

LORELAI

No. The two of you were gonna go bust Feldster's chops. Busting chops is not a date.

SOOKIE

That's what I thought, but he keeps saying how he liked me back then and how this is his second chance.

LORELAI

He's liked you for ten years?

SOOKIE

Yes.

LORELAI

Wow. That is some serious Great Gatsby pining.

SOOKIE

I know.

LORELAI

You're his Daisy.

SOOKIE

I am? I'm his Daisy. I'm someone's Daisy.

LORELAI

It's very flattering.

SOOKIE

It is very flattering. But I didn't bring it on, did I? I mean, did I flirt?

LORELAI

No, you did not flirt. You were talking about Bung.

SOOKIE

Right. And you can't flirt when talking about Bung, it's impossible.

LORELAI

He read something into it because he wanted to.

SOOKIE

Oh my God, what's Jackson's gonna say?

LORELAI

Sookie, it's a misunderstanding. Jackson will be fine. Just go in there and explain it to Joe.

SOOKIE

But what do I tell him? He's waited ten years for this. How do you hand out that kind of rejection? I could tell him I've become a lesbian!

LORELAI

Yeah, or "I'm married" might work.

SOOKIE

Right, I'm married, good, that's very good.

LORELAI

It's gonna be fine. Joe's a nice guy with good taste.

SOOKIE

I'm his Daisy.

LORELAI

Be happy later.

SOOKIE

Right. I'm going in. [walks away]

LORELAI

[answers phone] Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.

JOE

So, at the risk of seeming like Joe the drunken chef, I added some more Port to the Cumberland sauce. Now, just promise to try it.

SOOKIE

Joe, we need to talk.

JOE

Wow, you've mellowed. In the old days, you would've just called me an idiot and just dumped it in the trash.

SOOKIE

It's not that, it's... you put in more Port? This is a pheasant sauce, not the punch bowl at a frat party.

JOE

Just try it.

SOOKIE

No, no, no, no, no, that's not what I meant to say. It's just... there's been a misunderstanding. I thought this thing tonight was just a friends thing, you know, not like a date thing.

JOE

Oh.

SOOKIE

Not that going out with you would be bad. Except it would be... very, very bad.

JOE

Wow.

SOOKIE

But only because I'm married! I meant to say that first. [holds up her hand] See? Last May, I just... [realizes she's not wearing her wedding ring] Where's my... oh, hang on. [walks over to get her ring] See, this was supposed to be... when I hold my hand up, 'cause otherwise, "Whatcha doin'?", right? Okay, here. I take it off when I'm cooking, but, look, there it is, right where it should be, on my finger.

JOE

You're married.

SOOKIE

Yes, I am. I hope that's okay.

JOE

Hey, if your husband's good with it, who am I to complain?

SOOKIE

You're not mad?

JOE

Why would I be mad?

SOOKIE

Because you thought this was a date.

JOE

I'm not mad. Feeling a little stupid, but not mad.

SOOKIE

Here, let me give you some money.

JOE

I didn't spend any money.

SOOKIE

Well, let me give you some money anyway.

JOE

Look, the only way I'll be mad is if you throw that sauce out before you try it, okay?

SOOKIE

Okay.

JOE

Tell you what, why don't we make a plan to harass Feldman some other time? You can bring your husband and I'll see if I can get a real date.

SOOKIE

That'd be fun. Come on, I'll walk you out.

JOE

You know, we could even get some of the old gang together.

SOOKIE

I'll drive.

JOE

I guess this'll teach me not to wait ten years next time. Anyway, I'll give you a call.

SOOKIE

Bye Joe.

LORELAI

See, he's smiling. I knew it was nothing to get worked up over. You obviously let him down very well, and now maybe you guys can be friends.

SOOKIE

I'm a whore!

LORELAI

This is silly. I know how to answer a question.

RORY

This is your first deposition. Grandma's lawyers just want you to be prepared.

LORELAI

Sample questions, great. It's bad enough I have to give a deposition, now I have to study for it?

RORY

Shall we begin?

LORELAI

Go ahead.

RORY

Please describe how your mother runs her household.

LORELAI

Okay. Well, do you remember the rowing scene in Ben Hur?

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, did that reference date me? Should I have gone with the "Express Yourself" video?

RORY

Shall we stop?

LORELAI

Sorry, ask me another.

RORY

Would you say your mother is an easy woman to get along with?

LORELAI

No. Next.

RORY

You're not taking this seriously.

LORELAI

I am taking this seriously.

RORY

Well, you can't say that.

LORELAI

Oh, wow, so you want me to lie.

RORY

No, you don't have to lie. It's all about how you present the truth. For example, you could have said, "My mother is a perfectionist."

LORELAI

Uh huh. And do you promise to visit Mommy in jail?

RORY

Yes, I do.

LORELAI

Okay, then. My mother is a perfectionist.

RORY

Very good.

LORELAI

Oh, hey. Where you going?

LUKE

Oh, well, I'm going to Doose's because we are out of food.

LORELAI

How can you be out of food?

LUKE

Well, it starts with the words, "Hey Jess, you do the ordering this week, okay?" and it ends with me selling Kirk a lettuce sandwich.

RORY

We've eaten those.

LUKE

I'm gonna go pick up some stuff to hold us over 'til tomorrow.

LORELAI

Well, get some burgers.

RORY

And tater tots.

LORELAI

And pickles.

LUKE

Okay, hold on a sec. Burgers, tater tots, pickles. You want cheese on the burger?

LORELAI

Cheddar.

RORY

And swiss.

LUKE

Dessert?

LORELAI

Do we have to decide right now?

LUKE

I would seriously advise it.

LORELAI

Pie.

RORY

Cherry.

LORELAI

And whipped cream. And dental floss. And paper towels. And People magazine. We're really hungry.

FRANCIE

Paris, good, I so need to talk to you. [to another girl in bathroom] Are you lost? [the girl leaves] Listen, first of all, I really wanna commend you on your job as president so far.

PARIS

Thank you.

FRANCIE

The way you've negotiated on some of those convoluted school issues – mind blowing. I watch in awe.

PARIS

Uh huh.

FRANCIE

And that's why this is so hard, because I have major respect for you, and the last thing I ever want is for you to get the wrong impression about my loyalties.

PARIS

What are you talking about?

FRANCIE

[pulls an envelope out of her backpack] These were shoved in my locker this morning, and I didn't know what to do, so I thought to myself, 'I'll just show them to Paris and I'll explain and she'll understand.'

PARIS

Explain what? What is this?

FRANCIE

Rory came to me and said she wanted to talk about some things... you know, policy, the prom, the senior gift, et cetera. So of course I said, "why don't we talk about them at the student council meeting with Paris?" And she said she wanted to do this without Paris. She said Paris is just too wrapped up in that boyfriend of hers to care about any of this. I didn't know what to do, so I went, and then I found these, and I'm just so upset. I mean, I would never intentionally do anything behind your back, Paris. And I promise, the next time Rory tries to get me to, I'm just gonna say, 'Talk to the hand', you know what I mean?

PARIS

Yes, I know what you mean.

FRANCIE

Are you mad? Say you're not mad. I just couldn't live if I thought you were mad.

PARIS

No, I'm not mad. [leaves]

FRANCIE

Well, thank God for that.

TEACHER

Okay class, we will begin in five minutes.

MADELINE

Does your helmet smell? I always get one that smells.

LOUISE

You'd think the brain trust behind P.E. could come up with some sport that didn't give you helmet hair all afternoon.

MADELINE

Like badminton.

LOUISE

Or striptease aerobics.

RORY

What?

MADELINE

It's really big in L.A. You just go through the motions, you don't actually have to strip.

RORY

Do the other people in the gym throw money at you?

LOUISE

Fine, mock, but tell me this – have you ever seen an overweight stripper?

RORY

The word no seems so wildly inadequate all of a sudden. Hey, where have you been?

PARIS

Washing my hands.

RORY

Okay.

TEACHER

All right everyone, take your places. We will warm up with your counter-sixte-riposte-quarte. Melanie, please lead the group.

MADELINE

Oh my God, there's a hair in mine.

LOUISE

Just close your eyes and think of England, honey.

RORY

Doesn't it seem strange to be practicing a sport whose original purpose was to kill people? It's like if high schools of the future had teams in artillery or high altitude bombing or something.

TEACHER

Beginning salute. En garde. Right side advance.

RORY

You okay?

TEACHER

Right side retreat.

PARIS

Why do you ask?

TEACHER

And lunge.

RORY

You just seem weird.

TEACHER

Left side advance.

RORY

Easy there, Paris.

TEACHER

Left side retreat.

PARIS

We're fencing Rory, not playing patty cake.

TEACHER

And lunge.

PARIS

You know, it's interesting how you think you know someone.

TEACHER

Right side, quarte lunge.

PARIS

Trust a person, rely on a person, then turn around one day and realize you'd been had. Ever experience that?

TEACHER

Ripost.

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

I hate being had.

RORY

Why are you telling me this? You're not supposed to be parrying that hard.

PARIS

Gee, I'm sorry. Maybe I should turn around so you can just stick it directly into my back.

RORY

What are you talking about?

PARIS

I saw the pictures.

RORY

What pictures?

PARIS

You know what pictures.

RORY

Obviously I don't know what pictures.

PARIS

The pictures of you and Francie.

RORY

Me and Francie?

PARIS

You and Francie in the parking garage talking about me.

RORY

Paris, I –

PARIS

Don't make that face at me!

RORY

What face? I'm wearing a mask.

PARIS

The "I'm Rory, don't you want to pet me?" face. I know you two have been meeting behind my back.

RORY

We haven't. We met once.

PARIS

Aha, you admit it.

RORY

Yes, but it wasn't what you think.

PARIS

Brutus!

RORY

Paris, you have to listen to me. Francie wanted to meet, she said she wanted to call a truce. She took those pictures of us, she's setting me up, she's trying to manipulate you.

PARIS

Of course she is. You think I don't know when someone's trying to manipulate me? But that doesn't change the fact that you met with her behind my back.

RORY

I was trying to help you.

PARIS

You were? You mean, in between betraying me and selling me out, you were trying to help me? Gee, you are quite the Renaissance woman, aren't you?

RORY

Stop it!

PARIS

Make me! Come back here, Gilmore! Come back and fight like a man. [Paris chases Rory around the gym until Rory trips and falls] And the worst part is, you told her about Jamie. I can't believe I ever considered you my best friend.

RORY

I still can't believe it. I can't believe I got sucked in like that.

LORELAI

Ugh, that Francie is pure evil, so she'll probably wind up president.

RORY

Paris is so upset. She totally thinks I betrayed her.

LORELAI

She'll calm down.

RORY

Paris has never calmed down.

LORELAI

She'll calm down.

RORY

I can't believe I was her best friend. I feel awful.

LORELAI

Look, I'll tell you what. If you wanna make things right, just go back to school tomorrow and let her stab you.

RORY

Great idea.

LORELAI

I'm nothing if not full of suggestions.

RORY

Or full of something.

RORY

Hey Grandma.

LORELAI

Hi Mom.

EMILY

Come in, it's cold.

LORELAI

Do you want me to talk to her? You know, arrange a sit-down?

RORY

No, thanks.

LORELAI

Come on. We'll have it in an Italian restaurant. You'll get up, go to the bathroom – thanks – and come out shooting, and then I'll send you to Italy.

RORY

Well, I do wanna go to Italy.

LORELAI

Two birds with one stone, my friend.

LORELAI

Is everything okay, Mom?

EMILY

Of course it's okay. Why wouldn't it be okay?

LORELAI

I don't know. You just seem a little quiet.

EMILY

Do I? I guess I do. I don't really have a lot to say, actually. I know, why don't I read to you instead. [picks up a booklet]

LORELAI

Huh, what's that?

EMILY

This? Nothing, just your deposition.

LORELAI

My... how did you get –

EMILY

Shh. Listen, it's fun. Okay. [reads] "Question – Would you say your mother is a tolerant woman?"

LORELAI

Oh boy.

EMILY

"Answer – Um, well, sure."

LORELAI

What? I said you were.

EMILY

You said sure.

LORELAI

Which to most people means yes.

EMILY

Yes, to most people, it does, but I've heard you say sure, and your sure is always sarcastic.

LORELAI

I do not have a sarcastic sure... do I?

RORY

Pick spot on carpet and stare.

EMILY

"Question – Why has your mother dismissed maids in the past?"

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

"Answer – Different reasons."

LORELAI

Well, that's true, right?

EMILY

"Can you expand on that? Answer – Gee, how much time do you have?"

LORELAI

Okay, see –

EMILY

"I mean, if you guys have a lunch or an afternoon squash game or something... you look like the kind of guys who play squash. And hey, why's it called squash? Is it something to do with the fruit? Or vegetable, right? A squash is a vegetable, though if you ask me, it's gross no matter what you call it. Well, anyway, what I'm saying is you might want to clear your afternoon."

LORELAI

I was flustered. He was using lawyer tricks.

RORY

By asking you to expand?

LORELAI

Now you decide to pipe in?

EMILY

Didn't I tell you this was important, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Yes, you did.

EMILY

So, in spite of the fact that I told you it was important, you couldn't find it in your heart to put aside your personal antagonism toward me for one day and help me out.

LORELAI

Mom, this is not fair. I said a lot of nice things about you in there.

EMILY

Oh really? "Would you say your mother sets impossible goals which people cannot help but fail to reach, thereby reinforcing her already formed opinion of their deficiencies? Answer – Only for her daughter."

LORELAI

Okay, not there, but keep flipping.

MAID

I'm sorry to interrupt, but dinner is ready Mrs. Gilmore.

LORELAI

Dinner, hey! Dinner's ready. Who's hungry besides me? I'd keep it warm. We're gonna be here awhile. Okay, go ahead.

EMILY

"Would you call your mother an extremely critical woman? Long pause." Why was there a long pause, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Because I was deliberately trying to hurt you, Mom.

EMILY

"On a scale from one to ten, what would you rate your mother in terms of compassion for others' feelings?" Wanna guess what she said?

RORY

No, thank you.

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

Hang on a second, Lorelai. I just want to skip to the Ben Hur reference.

LORELAI

Yeah, I did.

JACKSON

Sookie, I'm home. I got the -

SOOKIE

Surprise!

JACKSON

What is this?

SOOKIE

I made you dinner.

JACKSON

It smells terrific.

SOOKIE

Lamb chops with Sicilian olives, rosemary and garlic, and a warm potato and chorizo salad.

JACKSON

I love lamb chops with Sicilian olives, rosemary and garlic, and a warm potato and chorizo salad.

SOOKIE

I know.

JACKSON

What's that?

SOOKIE

Beef jerky.

JACKSON

You made beef jerky for me.

SOOKIE

And there's cornbread, and fried marshmallow pie for dessert.

JACKSON

And you have CCR on.

SOOKIE

Well, you like CCR.

JACKSON

I know I like CCR, you don't like CCR.

SOOKIE

Sometimes I like CCR, and tonight I like CCR.

JACKSON

You cheated on me!

SOOKIE

No.

JACKSON

Oh my God.

SOOKIE

I just flirted accidentally!

JACKSON

Turn it off.

SOOKIE

Let me explain.

JACKSON

Every time I hear it now, it'll remind me that my wife cheated on me.

SOOKIE

Flirted – accidentally!

JACKSON

You ruined Creedence for me!

RORY

I'm going to bed.

LORELAI

At nine-thirty?

RORY

Yeah, well, going a whole day without talking to anyone is a lot more tiring than you think.

LORELAI

I hate those girls.

RORY

It's fine. It was the first lunch that didn't start with a recitation of the calorie content of everything on the table, so actually it was kind of a relief.

LORELAI

I hate them anyhow.

RORY

Night.

LORELAI

Night babe.

LORELAI

[answers] Hello?

ALEX

Lorelai, it's Alex Lesman. We met at The Learning Center the other day. My friend accidentally asked your friend out on a date.

LORELAI

Um, right, hi.

ALEX

How are ya?

LORELAI

I'm good.

ALEX

Fat Sal sends his love.

LORELAI

Right back at him.

ALEX

Look, I know this must seem kind of out of the blue. You're probably wondering how I got your number.

LORELAI

Information?

ALEX

No, that would've been far too logical. I actually called your inn. I was gonna leave a message, but this French guy just gave me your home number. Said I shouldn't worry about calling too late, that you usually stay up 'til three, four in the morning.

LORELAI

Yeah, don't worry about him, he's getting fired tomorrow. So, what's up?

ALEX

Well, I was wondering something.

LORELAI

Uh huh...

ALEX

On weekends, I like to go to different coffee shops, try their coffee, look at what they're doing.

LORELAI

See if there's anything you can steal and possibly disguise as your own?

ALEX

Exactly, kind of a low-rent corporate espionage. Anyway, sometimes I'll hit two coffee shops that have surprisingly similar product, and I for the life of me cannot decide which one is better.

LORELAI

Bummer.

ALEX

Yes, bummer, so I thought it would really help to have another person there who could help me make these crucial evaluations.

LORELAI

Interesting solution to a fascinating problem.

ALEX

So I was wondering what you were doing this Saturday.

LORELAI

You know, it's funny you should ask me this, because I just happen to be one of the world's foremost coffee experts.

ALEX

Really?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, it's basically just me and this guy named Chuckles in Brazil.

ALEX

Sounds like fate. So, what do you say?

LORELAI

Sure.

ALEX

Great. Just to be on the safe side, you do know this is a date, right?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, I got that.

ALEX

Good.

LORELAI

So, you guys come up with a name for your place yet?

ALEX

Right now, the top contender is Sludge.

LORELAI

Excuse me?

ALEX

Moving on, my partner likes Regular Joe.

LORELAI

Huh.

ALEX

Then again, his name is Joe.

LORELAI

Well, fancy that.

ALEX

So, still won't let go of The Mudhouse, huh?

LORELAI

Afraid not. What else you got?

ALEX

Well, okay, how about Black Liquid Hope Sold Here?

LORELAI

See, now you're making some progress.