T3E12: “Lorelai Out of Water”

RORY

Well.

LORELAI

I'd say three years.

RORY

I'd say more like four.

LORELAI

What? It has not been four years since we've stepped foot inside our own garage.

RORY

It was when we got the Jeep.

LORELAI

That wasn't... yes, it was.

RORY

And even then, I think we only got as far as opening the door before something flew out and scared you.

LORELAI

Yes, it scared me while you stood by calmly like Dr. Dolittle chatting with the bat.

RORY

It was a bat, wasn't it?

LORELAI

Wearing an OzzFest T-shit, I believe.

RORY

Will the man never be able to live that down?

LORELAI

Well, Joe Namath will forever be wearing pantyhose.

RORY

True, very true.

LORELAI

So, uh, what do we do about the bat cave?

RORY

Well, we did promise Lane that her band could rehearse here.

LORELAI

Yes, we did.

RORY

And they'll probably need to actually get in there to do so.

LORELAI

So I guess we're going in.

RORY

I guess we are.

LORELAI

All right. On three – one, two, three.

RORY

Ah!

LORELAI

What, what is it?

RORY

Those are the boxes from our attic that you were supposed to give away two years ago.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

I spent three days boxing all the stuff in the attic and you were going to call a charity and get someone to pick 'em up.

LORELAI

I made an appointment, the guy didn't show.

RORY

He didn't?

LORELAI

No, I don't think.

RORY

Unbelievable.

LORELAI

Look, I got bored after sitting there two hours, so I left a note saying the stuff was in the garage and he could leave a receipt, and I went to get some coffee.

RORY

These guys aren't just allowed to go into someone's garage.

LORELAI

Well, the note said it was okay.

RORY

Well, how did he know that the note was authentic?

LORELAI

I wrote it on Powerpuff Girls stationery. Who'd he think was setting him up, Hello Kitty?

RORY

I can't believe how much junk we have.

LORELAI

Hey, these are – these are souvenirs from our life's journey, girly girl. This is not junk. Okay, this is junk, and that over there is junk. All right, basically everything I'm looking at is, yeah, junk.

RORY

We're pack rats.

LORELAI

We're Sanford and Son. Yuck, bye bye. [throws a stuffed ball out of the garage]

RORY

Wait! [catches the ball]

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Hug-a-World!

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Hug-a-World, it's my Hug-a-World.

LORELAI

Where's the world?

RORY

It's faded.

LORELAI

Oh, wait, I can see something.

RORY

Canada.

LORELAI

Canada, nice. Okay.

RORY

What are you doing?

LORELAI

I'm throwing it out.

RORY

You can't throw out Hug-a-World.

LORELAI

I'm not throwing out Hug-a-World, I'm throwing out Hug-a-Canada.

RORY

I learned my seven continents on Hug-a-World, don't you remember? We used to squeeze it as tight as we could and then wherever our pinkies would end up, that's where we were going to go together when I grew up.

LORELAI

Yes, many a trip to Uzbekistan was planned that way.

RORY

We can clean him up and keep him, can't we?

LORELAI

Throw him outside and I'll see what I can do.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

If I clean up Hug-a-World, does that cancel out me not getting rid of the boxers?

RORY

I'll consider it a wash.

LORELAI

How about if I chase it and bring it back?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Hug-a-World would like to see the world.

RORY

It's moving.

LORELAI

There's something living there besides Canadians.

RORY

I hugged it, I hugged it really tight.

LORELAI

Yes, you did.

RORY

I have to shower! [runs away]

LORELAI

Hey, hey, hey, what about the rest of the garage? Rory! Hey, how 'bout if Lane's band rehearses in the kitchen? We don't use that either.

LUKE

Can I take... Can I take... What can I get... That's it. [goes outside]

TAYLOR

I specifically requested a carved arch above the door.

TOM

It's a blueprint, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Yes, Tom, I know it's a blueprint.

LUKE

Taylor!

TAYLOR

One second, Luke. I know it's a blueprint, Tom, but if I don't see a carved archway here, then I don't expect to see a carved archway there, and if I don't see an archway there, then you won't see a paycheck here. Are we clear?

TOM

Get away from my saw, Taylor.

LUKE

What the hell is going on?

TAYLOR

I'm renovating your building. You know that very well.

LUKE

I also know that the renovation is supposed to be going on over there inside the building.

TAYLOR

There is plenty of room to move around if you turn sideways.

LUKE

I'm gonna punch you in the nose.

TAYLOR

I have every right to make the necessary renovations to the building that I am paying good money to lease.

LUKE

Taylor, if any other person in this town pulled a stunt like this in front of your market, you'd have them arrested.

TAYLOR

I have acquired all the necessary permits to do exactly what I'm doing, and all of this has been looked over and approved by the town magistrate.

LUKE

You're the town magistrate!

TAYLOR

And as such, if you have any complaints about me, you may take them up with me.

TOM

Get him away from my saw.

LUKE

Get him away from my diner.

TAYLOR

By the way, Luke, I noticed you hadn't returned any of my lawyer's calls about the lease agreement. Now we have to set up an appointment to see that those papers get signed.

LUKE

Forget it. I'm not going through any lawyer. You want those papers signed, you pick them up and you walk them over to me. Then, I'll sign them.

TAYLOR

Luke, this is business. It needs to be done properly and legally.

LUKE

It's a standard lease form, Taylor. I bought it at Office Depot.

TAYLOR

All the more reason to have a professional take a little looksee, huh? I mean, there's a reason they say good lawyers make for good neighbors.

LUKE

Who the hell said that?

TAYLOR

Oh, everybody says that. Okay, now back to work. Tom, let's take another look at this archway, shall we?

TOM

Get away from my saw, Taylor.

LORELAI

I already talked to the neighbors. Just make sure you keep the doors closed, and the music must stop by eight.

LANE

Don't worry, I have to be home by six.

ZACH

We'll be done by eight, don't you worry.

LORELAI

I won't.

ZACH

Okay, okay, okay, Lorelai, okay.

LORELAI

Uh, so, um, Rory showed you the key. Uh, you're welcome to anything in the kitchen, which is nothing, but, uh, the water's yours for the taking. Just replace the bottle if it's out.

ZACH

You ask, I will obey.

LORELAI

Super.

BRIAN

I'm out!

LORELAI

He's out! I'll get you some more!

LANE

Oh, no, no, don't worry about it. I'll get it.

LORELAI

Okay. Oh, excuse me. Do you need any help?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Do you need any help, please?

RORY

I'm good, Pamela Des Barres.

LORELAI

When did you turn on Mommy?

RORY

What? He's cute.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

And you know, if you latch on now, you're totally entitled to half of everything when he dumps you after he's famous.

LORELAI

Okay, um, since you don't need any help, simply a new place to live, I'm gonna just go.

ZACH

Listen...

LORELAI

You're back, okay, hi.

ZACH

We're gonna be playing a gig next month, and I think you'd really get into it.

LORELAI

Oh, well, I'd love to get into it, Zach, but see, I have this medical condition where I can't listen to music.

ZACH

You can't?

LORELAI

No. My ears, the hollow tubey thing inside is very tiny and it will literally explode if I listen to anything loud and musical.

ZACH

That sucks.

LORELAI

I know. Thanks for the invite, I'm sure it's gonna be great. Uh, so, uh, you guys have a good rehearsal. I'm gonna go on inside and write to Tipper. Great gal. See you guys later.

RORY

Bye Pam.

ZACH

She is some kind of fine.

BRIAN

Zach, some help would be great.

ZACH

Relax.

LANE

I still can't believe you guys are letting us rehearse here.

RORY

You can thank us in the liner notes.

LANE

Right under our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

RORY

That's some good billing. So, are you guys actually playing a gig next month?

LANE

Abby Berland's birthday party. Her parents are letting her have a band.

RORY

That'd be great.

LANE

Cross your fingers she doesn't wreck the car again and her mother doesn't cancel it before we get to play.

RORY

I'll hide the keys myself.

BRIAN

Okay, I'm done.

DAVE

Me too.

ZACH

Let's do this.

DAVE

Listen, Lane, we need to talk a sec.

LANE

Sure.

DAVE

Now that we finally have a real rehearsal space, we can get serious about the sound.

LANE

Absolutely.

DAVE

Which means that I'm gonna need you to really step it up a little.

LANE

Oh.

DAVE

I mean, you've got the potential, but you're sloppy. I need a clean roll on the toms but powerful, like Moon.

LANE

Okay.

DAVE

I know you're a girl, but I need you to play like a guy.

LANE

I understand.

DAVE

And if you can't, if that's too hard...

LANE

No, that's not too hard. I'll be better, I promise.

DAVE

Okay.

RORY

Okay, please take this the way it's intended, but I am going to kick Dave in the shins repeatedly for the next hour and a half.

LANE

Why?

RORY

Why? Did you hear the way he was talking to you? "Play like a guy, Lane." Well, cry like a girl, Dave! What? Why are you smiling like that?

LANE

He fooled you.

RORY

What?

LANE

We thought the other guys might be catching on about me and Dave so we came up with this plan.

RORY

That he become a jerk?

LANE

Yes. If the other guys see him talking down to me like that, they will totally be thrown off track.

RORY

Okay, but doesn't it bother you to hear him talk to you like that?

LANE

No way. Believe me, he knows I play better, harder, Moonier than any guy they could possibly find, plus I smell better.

RORY

Okay, as long as you're fine with it.

LANE

I am, I'm fine with it.

DAVE

And also Lane, I need four strong downbeats, not two strong ones and two whatever ones. You set the tone, Lane. If you suck, we suck.

LANE

God, he's wonderful.

ALEX

Okay, now this is the Sumatra blend. It's supposed to be a little sharper than the Colombian.

LORELAI

You know, this is pretty much what I thought heaven would look like. There might have been a unicorn in the corner, but basically – yeah, this is it. Um, so I've had fifteen of these tiny coffees.

ALEX

Yes, you have.

LORELAI

And you're telling me that all this tasting is completely free?

ALEX

Yes.

LORELAI

So I'm a cheap date.

ALEX

Well, the tasting is free, but I have to promise to stock my coffee chain from this warehouse, so actually this date is costing me about eleven thousand dollars a month.

LORELAI

Geez, I hope I'm worth it.

ALEX

So far, so good.

LORELAI

So you were telling me about Hillary and Jeff.

ALEX

Right. Well, they live with their mom, but I get them quite a bit. They both recently started soccer because apparently it's the law.

LORELAI

I know. Rory's still got an outstanding warrant on that one. So, how old are they?

ALEX

Six and nine.

LORELAI

Good ages.

ALEX

Haven't really hit a bad one yet.

LORELAI

Me either. Although, with Rory, I think it's gonna be forty-three.

ALEX

Really?

LORELAI

Not sure why, just have a feeling that's the year she's getting the mohawk. Mm, we like sharper. When you guys open your coffee place, this must be on the menu.

ALEX

Yeah? Mm, that's sharper.

LORELAI

So, let's see, we've covered work, kids... uh, shall we move onto hobbies?

ALEX

Not a hobby guy.

LORELAI

Hallelujah.

ALEX

Most of the time I'm working, with the kids, or I'm charming the chicks with the coffee. And then a few times a year, I'll go camping or fishing. I actually really love that stuff.

LORELAI

Oh yeah?

ALEX

Absolutely. How about you?

LORELAI

Ah, there's a reason they call it the great outdoors, right?

ALEX

I was actually thinking of doing a little fishing this Saturday.

LORELAI

Oh, that sounds like fun.

ALEX

This great place, beautiful, perfect fishing. You wanna come?

LORELAI

Huh?

ALEX

I'd love to take you.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, sure. That would be nice.

ALEX

Great, it's a date.

LORELAI

Yes, it is a date. It is a fishing date.

ALEX

Ready to try another? I hear there's one from Peru that comes with a Surgeon's General warning.

LORELAI

Hey, if that last one didn't kill me, nothing will.

ALEX

Be right back.

LANE

Rory! Rory! The numbers are all adding up, the planets are aligning, and I am going to my senior prom!

RORY

What?

LANE

Yes!

RORY

How?

LANE

Because I am brilliant. See, my mom was in a good mood today because she made a big sale – a dining room table and eight chairs, none of which matched, that have been hanging around the shop since I was four.

RORY

Oh, I'm gonna miss those.

LANE

Get over it. Anyway, I sat her down and I told her that I really wanted to go to the prom. And I know she doesn't approve of such things, but if she lets me go, we will do it her way.

RORY

But her way would be not to let you go.

LANE

Yes, she said that also. But then I went on to clarify that if she lets me go, she would get full dress approval, full chaperone approval, I promise not to actually dance at the prom, and whatever boy I go with will be required to attend at least four family dinners before she signs off on him being my escort.

RORY

Nice move on using the word escort instead of the word date.

LANE

The subliminal is half the battle, Rory.

RORY

Go on, go on.

LANE

So, she sat there, took it all in, and after a really long pause, she looks at me and says, "Maybe."

RORY

You got a maybe from Mrs. Kim.

LANE

I got a maybe from Mrs. Kim.

LANE

Okay, let's start with base.

RORY

Right. Now, we are talking Dave taking you to the prom, right?

LANE

Of course. My mom loves him. Last week she let him sit in our pew.

RORY

No.

LANE

She made me move.

RORY

You've been replaced.

LANE

I'd be offended if I weren't so busy doing a happy dance. It's all working out so perfectly. By the time she says yes, she'll love him even more and then when I say I wanna go to the prom with him, it'll be like she picked him out herself.

RORY

You are brilliant. Hey, Kirk, is this waterproof?

KIRK

Water-resistant.

RORY

Thanks.

LANE

You know, she asked Dave to play at the wedding this weekend.

RORY

I thought I was the only non-Korean allowed at the Kim family weddings.

LANE

Don't be hurt. You have been to so many of these weddings, you are an honorary member of the clan now.

RORY

I appreciate that. So, tell me, your cousin getting married Saturday, what's his story?

LANE

James. Very quiet, kind of skulky, couldn't meet anyone here, so his family arranged to have a girl shipped over from the old country.

RORY

I hope they cut air holes in the box.

LANE

She doesn't speak a word of English and she's never met him.

RORY

Hm. Well, then she's gonna need some sparkles.

LANE

Okay, I think that's it.

RORY

Let's go. Can you imagine marrying someone you didn't know?

LANE

Are you kidding? Used clothes still skeeve me out a little.

KIRK

Will this be all?

RORY

Yes. I like your display Kirk.

KIRK

It is fun, isn't it? Okay, that's $40.42.

LANE

Here.

KIRK

I'm also including a few samples, a facial scrub and a honey mask. Very soothing, very healing.

RORY

That's very nice.

KIRK

Thank you for coming, and call me and tell me how you like that mask.

RORY

We will.

LANE

Okay, the wedding's at four, so how about you come over at one and we'll get her ready?

RORY

Deal.

LANE

You know, Rory, I feel good. I feel like everything's going my way this time.

RORY

I hope so.

LANE

No, it is, I can feel it. Lane Kim is going to her prom.

RORY

Maybe.

LORELAI

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

SOOKIE

Oh, come on.

LORELAI

Sure, I fish. I also bodysurf and walk on the moon without a space suit.

SOOKIE

You were trying to impress him.

LORELAI

Ugh.

SOOKIE

What ugh? You like him.

LORELAI

I like him, but I'm not sixteen. I don't lie to guys to make them like me. I just got stuck when he said fishing and camping, and I was trying to be nice and not say, "Fishing? Great – cold, wet, and smelly. My three favorite things after those witches from Macbeth."

SOOKIE

Honey, we all do it. When Jackson and I first started dating, we went to this pickling festival, and he wore a shirt with a giant frog on it. So I'm trying to make conversation and I say, "Hey, cute frog." And he says, "You like frogs?" and I say, "I love frogs!" So, for our six-month anniversary, he gives me a frog figurine.

LORELAI

Aw.

SOOKIE

And then when Christmas came, he gave me another frog figurine. And then he told his family what to get me, and all of a sudden...

LORELAI

Your frog collection!

SOOKIE

I'm the frog girl.

LORELAI

You never told him you don't love frogs?

SOOKIE

No. He has the best time buying them for me, so I just let him buy them.

LORELAI

That's sweet. Maybe I could go fishing. Maybe. Once.

SOOKIE

Tell me about Alex.

LORELAI

Well, he owns an iron company. They do gates and statues, big fancy stuff. He's divorced, he has two kids he's crazy about. He's nice, he drinks a lot of coffee. It's all good, it all works.

SOOKIE

So?

LORELAI

So... I'm going fishing. I'm the fish girl.

SOOKIE

Frog girl welcomes you to the club!

LOUISE

I don't know what to do. It's time to break up, but he seems so happy.

MADELINE

You could date his brother.

LOUISE

I guess, but that's so 'been there, done that.'

MADELINE

We could switch.

LOUISE

Isn't that how I got him?

MADELINE

Oh yeah. Wow, it really is time to go to college.

ADVISOR

Rory, where is Paris?

RORY

I don't know.

ADVISOR

She's almost fifteen minutes late.

RORY

Is she?

ADVISOR

All right. Well, perhaps we should start without her. You can convene the meeting.

RORY

Okay. If everyone will take their seats, we can call this meeting to order. All right, since Paris isn't here –

PARIS

Paris is here. Couldn't wait to jump in there and take over, could you?

RORY

Tell it to the Timex salesman.

PARIS

My gavel, please? I call this meeting to order.

RORY

I already did that.

PARIS

Sorry I'm late, but I had some very important business to attend to. Business which I must now, unfortunately, share with all of you. At the beginning of this year, when we were sworn in as your government representatives, we placed our hand on a bible and we took an oath. An oath that stated that our behavior would be ethically and morally upstanding for as long as we were serving in public office. And that is why it saddens me greatly today to inform you that one of our own has forsaken that holy oath.

MADELINE

I hate anything that starts with a speech.

ADVISOR

What are you talking about, Paris?

PARIS

I hold in my hand evidence accusing one Rory Gilmore of committing high crimes and misdemeanors.

RORY

What?

ADVISOR

Paris, what's going on here?

PARIS

Miss Gilmore has been conspiring with the various factions of this school to weaken the efficacy of this administration.

RORY

You're really pathetic, you know that?

PARIS

You'll have your chance to address these charges when I'm done.

RORY

What charges?

PARIS

First on the list, espionage.

RORY

Espionage?

PARIS

Gathering privileged information and divulging it to the enemy.

RORY

What privileged information? Prom colors are green and pink, pass it on?

PARIS

Next on our list, the most serious crime – treason.

RORY

I'm sorry I talked about Jamie.

PARIS

And having a big mouth. That's going on the list also.

RORY

I can't believe you're taking all of this out on me. What about Francie?

PARIS

Francie was not my second in command. Francie was not privy to the innermost workings of my personal. That is, not until you made her privy.

RORY

Everyone in school saw you walking with Jamie, Paris.

PARIS

I'm still talking.

RORY

She already knew!

ADVISOR

Enough! We've heard enough.

PARIS

I move to put to a vote the impeachment of Rory Gilmore.

RORY

Hey!

ADVISOR

Miss Gellar, I'm sorry, but we do not impeach here at Chilton.

PARIS

Why not?

ADVISOR

Because this is a student government.

PARIS

Well, then, I'd like to put to a vote a resolution to instate the ability to impeach.

ADVISOR

No.

PARIS

Then she should resign.

RORY

I'm not going to resign. You have the problem, you resign.

PARIS

No, you resign!

RORY

No, you resign!

PARIS

No, you resign!

ADVISOR

No one is resigning.

LOUISE

Maybe I'll stay with him 'til Friday and see how it goes.

MADELINE

That sounds fair.

ADVISOR

You two can take this argument somewhere else. This is student council. Real school matters are the only things that matter here. Now, Paris, move on.

PARIS

The swimming pool needs re-plastering. Ideas for fundraising, please.

NICOLE

Excuse me? Hi, I'm looking for a Mr. Lucas Danes.

JESS

Oh, Lucas.

LUKE

What?

JESS

IRS.

NICOLE

I'm not IRS. I'm not IRS.

LUKE

I'm Luke Danes.

NICOLE

Luke Danes, sorry. Well, hello Luke Danes, I'm Nicole Leahy, I'm Taylor Doose's attorney.

LUKE

Oh, geez.

NICOLE

He wanted me to bring –

LUKE

Yeah, the lease agreements, yes, I know. I told him to walk them over here, but hey, what's the fun of being Taylor, right?

NICOLE

I'm sorry if this is a bad time. It certainly won't take me very long.

LUKE

Nah, I'm fine, whatever. Let's get this over with.

NICOLE

No problem.

LUKE

You want some coffee?

NICOLE

Yeah, sounds great. I really just need to witness your signature, is all. It's actually just a formality.

LUKE

In other words, completely ridiculous and unnecessary.

NICOLE

Uh huh.

LUKE

Okay.

NICOLE

Mr. Doose really likes things to be formal. And neat. And in triplicate. He just loves things in triplicate. That's a really good cup of coffee.

LUKE

Thanks. So, tell me something, what's it like being Taylor's lawyer?

NICOLE

Well, actually, I'm not exactly Mr. Doose's lawyer. Or only lawyer. He's one of our select clients, so all of our attorneys deal with him or a rotating basis, it's my month.

LUKE

My condolences.

NICOLE

Yeah, my father always told me that which does not kill you makes you stronger.

LUKE

You're gonna be really stronger.

NICOLE

He's not that bad.

LUKE

Seriously, if you run into someone pinned underneath a truck, pick it up. It's gonna be a piece of cake. Okay, looks like that's the whole nine yards.

NICOLE

Great. You and Mr. Doose are officially in business together. Oh, I'm so sorry, I meant that as a good thing.

LUKE

It's okay.

NICOLE

Uh, I will let you get back to work. Let me...

LUKE

No, no, on me.

NICOLE

Tell you what. It's business, let's let Mr. Doose pay for it.

LUKE

Even better.

JESS

Well, that was an interesting show.

LUKE

What are you yammering about?

JESS

Guess Gloria Allred wants to go slumming.

LUKE

Shut up.

JESS

She was totally coming onto you.

LUKE

She was not.

JESS

Couldn't you hear her panting when you were signing those things?

LUKE

Didn't see it.

JESS

She laughed at your jokes, and we both know there's gotta be some ulterior motive when people laugh at your jokes.

LUKE

Okay, whatever. Even if there was something, which I'm not saying there was, she's a suit. Not my type.

JESS

Yeah, especially since she's not a monk.

LUKE

Oh, I don't go out that much, is that what that's supposed to mean?

JESS

Take a look at a calendar. When was the last time you went out on a date? A year, two years ago?

LUKE

Last month, wiseass. I went out with Joanna Cooper.

JESS

You gave her a ride home.

LUKE

A ride home is the end of a date.

JESS

Only if you go on a date first.

LUKE

I'm not gonna discuss this with you.

JESS

Suit yourself. I have to go meet Rory anyhow. See, I'm gonna go pick her up, spend a few hours actually being with her, then give her a ride home. That's called the end of a date.

LUKE

Or I could stay open a few hours later which means you're here 'til ten. That's also called the end of a date.

JESS

Hopeless.

LUKE

Bye now.

LORELAI

Hey, got any good stories?

LUKE

Nope, sorry.

LORELAI

Ah, nothing? No crazy, colorful uncle? Best friend with a funny name?

LUKE

Jeff Smith?

LORELAI

Skeletons in the family closet? War wounds? Funny shaped scars?

LUKE

It really throws you off when Rory's late, doesn't it?

LORELAI

Big time.

LORELAI

Oh, yay, thank God!

RORY

Sorry. Didn't Luke keep you company?

LORELAI

Oh, he tried, but really, he's got nothing.

LUKE

Thank you.

LORELAI

So what's with all the books?

RORY

We are going to fish.

LORELAI

With these?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

So we throw them in and try to knock the fish out?

RORY

I went to the library and got of all their best informational books on fishing.

LORELAI

Ugh, you're serious.

RORY

You wanna learn to fish or not? Exciting, huh?

LORELAI

Oh, I can barely keep still. [opens book] "Chapter 1, technique. For deep water fishing, an angler – " What's an angler?

RORY

That would be you.

LORELAI

Oh, better remember that. Okay. "For deep water fishing, an angler" – me, again – "can choose a wire line using a downrigger or a vertical jig. Whatever your technique, the other successful clue to attracting fish is the appropriate lure." Ooh, what about the sequined top I wore to the Christmas party?

RORY

Yes, I think that's exactly what he's talking about.

LORELAI

"For bottom feeders, consider smaller, darker patterned lures" – simple, yet elegant – "while in areas where the forage fish are cicso, you're limited to the larger, more flashy baits." I am telling you right now, the larger flashy baits are just gonna make me look cheap.

RORY

Okay, let's review – what do we know so far?

LORELAI

I need flashy baits if I'm going to invest in cisco, unless I choose to cast a troll in my downrigger.

RORY

Hey, that's good.

LUKE

Doing a little studying?

RORY

My mom's leaning how to fish.

LUKE

You're what?

LORELAI

I'm learning how to fish.

LUKE

Oh, sorry, wrong inflection – you're what?

LORELAI

Go away.

LUKE

Why are you learning how to fish?

LORELAI

Um, it's just something I wanted to do. Some friends of mine fish, and I thought if they can do it I can do it.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

And what if I am a really great fisher? Yeah, I mean, what if that's my calling, the thing that I am meant to do? And all this time I've been sitting here with the gift to fish and I am squandering it. It's like if Mozart walked right by the piano store and never played a note.

LUKE

So you're gonna fish to fulfill your destiny?

LORELAI

That's right.

LUKE

And you're gonna learn to fish to fulfill your destiny from a book?

LORELAI

Yes.

LUKE

And you sanctioned this?

RORY

Yes.

LUKE

Okay, Thelma, Louise, possibly there's another way to learn to fish.

LORELAI

The Fishing Channel.

LUKE

I fish.

RORY

Oh yeah, we've seen those boots thingies outside drying off.

LUKE

Those would be called waders.

LORELAI

And I'm sure I'll be reading about waders soon in one of these cliffhangers here.

LUKE

If you want, I can show you a few things, get you started, make sure you don't strangle yourself with your own line, the basics.

LORELAI

Are you sure you don't mind?

LUKE

I can come over tomorrow after work.

LORELAI

Great, thank you. Agh. Just for the record, I don't wanna learn that.

LUKE

Got it.

RORY

I got a note that I was supposed to come see Headmaster Charleston.

SECRETARY

I'll let him know you're both here.

RORY

Both?

PARIS

Both.

RORY

Both.

SECRETARY

Take a seat, please.

RORY

Yes, ma'am. [sits down next to Paris] So what this time, trying to have me deported?

PARIS

Oh, yeah, like I'm the one who called this meeting.

RORY

I certainly didn't call this meeting.

PARIS

Save the act for Sundance, you little snitch.

RORY

I didn't snitch.

PARIS

Said the weak-kneed turncoat.

RORY

Nixon's bad seed.

PARIS

Daughter of Judas.

HEADMASTER

Ladies, come in please.

HEADMASTER

Have a seat. Chilton student council president and vice president in my office... not what I would've expected, I must tell you. There's been quite a stir about you two the past several days. The school is buzzing with the talk of your clashes in student council meetings, your face-offs in the cafeteria, a screaming match at the school newspaper's office.

PARIS

Excuse me, Headmaster Charleston, in regards to the incident at the Franklin, Ms. Gilmore submitted a piece that was quite poorly researched.

RORY

It was not poorly researched.

PARIS

I had to re-edit it and Ms. Gilmore took it very badly.

RORY

There was nothing wrong with the piece.

PARIS

And in regards to the student council meeting –

RORY

Oh, you mean the one where you tried to impeach me because you haven't been properly diagnosed yet?

PARIS

If you'll just allow me access to my briefs –

RORY

You know what, you want me to quit? Fine, I'll quit. I never wanted this stupid job in the first place.

PARIS

Who forced you to take it then?

RORY

You did, because you didn't think you'd get elected unless I ran with you.

PARIS

That's not true!

RORY

It's completely true!

PARIS

Shut up!

RORY

No, you shut up!

HEADMASTER

Enough! This behavior will stop this instant. It is disgraceful, especially from the political leaders of this campus. Now, I'd like to know what is actually driving this recent rash of infighting. Oh, goody, I get to guess. Well, let's see, perhaps you're arguing over the same boy?

PARIS

Sure, we're girls, so we could only be arguing about a boy, right? Sexist, white-haired –

HEADMASTER

Paris, are you muttering?

PARIS

No, sorry.

HEADMASTER

All right, if it isn't a boy, perhaps it's a popularity thing. Someone didn't get invited to someone else's party? Or perhaps this is a power struggle of some sort. No? Well, then I'll stop guessing and start lecturing. Ms. Gilmore, you will not be quitting the student council, is that clear?

RORY

Yes, sir.

HEADMASTER

The student body has elected you and therefore you will fulfill your commitment. And in the future, I would advise you to think long and hard about accepting any responsibility if you intend to run away from it at the first sign of conflict. And Ms. Gellar, you worked very hard to get to the position you hold in this school, and yet now you are willing to throw all that away on petty vendettas and childish antics. Indeed, it makes me wonder... if you two can't resolve your issues in this sheltered – some would say pampered – environment, how on Earth will you ever survive in college? As student council officers, you represent Chilton to those inside and outside these hallowed halls. Right now, the world sees us as a group of sniveling, spiteful, vindictive individuals – not really what I'd hoped for, nor is that how I portrayed the two of you in my personal letter of recommendation to Harvard. I would hate to have to write a second letter to the university correcting my errors in judgment. However, I've done it before. Am I making myself clear?

RORY

Yes, sir.

PARIS

Yes, sir.

HEADMASTER

Delightful. You may see yourselves out.

RORY

Well, that was delightful, wasn't it? I'm not sure which is more embarrassing – having Charleston yell at us or knowing we actually had a "shut up/no, you shut up" fight in front of him. So, what do you think, Paris? Do you feel as completely rotten as I do?

PARIS

No.

LUKE

Let's go.

LORELAI

Hello, sailor, bait your hook for you?

LUKE

You look ridiculous.

LORELAI

I look adorable. No one ever told me that if you fish, you get to buy an outfit. I'll do just about anything if I can buy an outfit.

LUKE

Well, I'll just let that go by because we have a lot to do here.

LORELAI

Okay, wait. I'll just get my purse before we go.

LUKE

Go where?

LORELAI

To the lake.

LUKE

You're not ready for the lake.

LORELAI

Then what am I ready for?

LORELAI

Uh! You're putting me in the kiddie lake?

LUKE

Gotta crawl before you can walk.

LORELAI

Oh, this is not at all embarrassing. There's not even fish in it.

LUKE

Trout.

LORELAI

Hey! Aw, they're so cute! Hello, hi boys. And look, they're all "ooh" like they're singing in a little trout choir.

LUKE

I wouldn't get too attached.

LORELAI

Hi Gomer.

LUKE

There you go.

LORELAI

Oh, don't be scared Pinky.

LUKE

And now there's Pinky.

LORELAI

Pinky Dowdy from fourth grade. See her eyes darting back and forth, all panicked? She got that way from dodge ball. It's okay, Pinky, nobody's gonna hurt you. Hey Pete, stop crowding Pinky. It's okay, Pinky, just go over there behind Cheryl.

LUKE

Okay, now that everybody knows each other, take this.

LORELAI

What's that?

LUKE

That's your rod and reel.

LORELAI

Huh, rod and reel. I don't know if the guys are gonna like this.

LUKE

Well, we can skip the lesson and just take the trout out for some beers. It's up to you, really.

LORELAI

No, I'm going to learn.

LUKE

Okay. I already went ahead and threaded your line through the guides here, and put a hook on it.

LORELAI

What kind of bait is that?

LUKE

It's a cork.

LORELAI

Remind me not to let you cater any of my parties.

LUKE

It's to cover the hook. Okay, now, this little metal thing is the bail. It's very important. It keeps your line on the spool here.

LORELAI

Line on the spool, got it.

LUKE

Okay, take the rod in your right hand, and you press your right index finger on the line, holding it against the pole. With your left hand, slide the bail over. Now don't let go of your index finger or all the line will spin off your spool. Now, pull the pole back over your shoulder to the ten o'clock position.

LORELAI

Oh, great, now I gotta go buy a watch.

LUKE

You flip your wrist forward to two o'clock, at the same time releasing your index finger, casting your line out into the lake in front of you. Now, you try.

LORELAI

Okay. Now, I do something with my right hand, my right index finger, and with the bail and a spool, and pull the thingy...

LORELAI

Oh! Now, that would've been embarrassing if I weren't dressed like this.

LUKE

Oh, you released at eleven, you're supposed to release at two o'clock. Try again.

LORELAI

Okay.

LORELAI

Ah! Hey, I made it in the pool, I made it in the pool!

LUKE

I see that.

LORELAI

Why aren't you excited?

LUKE

I'm very excited.

LORELAI

Well, jump around or something.

LUKE

All right, you know, you're going in the pool.

LORELAI

Fine.

LUKE

All right, what do you think? Ready to take the cork off and try your luck?

LORELAI

Uh, uh, I'm ready, but they're not.

LUKE

No problem.

LORELAI

Man, you need a lot of stuff for fishing.

LUKE

Well, normally, you don't bring your own lake.

LORELAI

Right, right.

LUKE

So, tell me why you're doing this.

LORELAI

Because you told me to.

LUKE

I mean, tell me why you're learning to fish.

LORELAI

Oh. I told you, some of my friends are going.

LUKE

What friends? Sookie?

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

Is Sookie going fishing?

LORELAI

Well –

LUKE

Or Rory – did Rory suddenly get the overwhelming urge to dig for worms and stand in the middle of a lake at five a.m.?

LORELAI

Yes? Okay, fine, I met this guy.

LUKE

Ah.

LORELAI

And, uh, he's kind of an outdoorsy guy.

LUKE

Oh, just your type.

LORELAI

No, not exactly, but he's nice and, uh, he was talking about fishing, and I think I said something like, 'Oh, hey, that sounds great', and so he invited me and here I am.

LUKE

I got it.

LORELAI

Sorry I didn't tell you.

LUKE

Why didn't you tell me?

LORELAI

I don't know. I just felt stupid getting rooked into the thing in the first place, and then... plus, you don't wanna hear about my personal life.

LUKE

So this'll be your first date or...

LORELAI

Second.

LUKE

Second date.

LORELAI

He took me to this coffee tasting place.

LUKE

Coffee tasting, just your type.

LORELAI

Uh huh.

LUKE

Well, I think that's great.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LUKE

Yeah. When are you going?

LORELAI

Sunday morning.

LUKE

Oh. Well, it's hard to be a fisher woman without your own pole. You can borrow one of mine if you want.

LORELAI

Really?

LUKE

Yeah, I got an extra little tackle box, too... if you want.

LORELAI

That would be great.

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Can you do me one more favor?

LUKE

Sure.

LORELAI

Put a cork on your hook.

LUKE

Sure.

LORELAI

[from other room] Could you please just make some coffee?

RORY

I'm not doing anything for you ever.

LORELAI

Don't be mad.

RORY

You set my alarm for 5:15 a.m.

LORELAI

[walking into the kitchen] I know, and I did it for purely practical reasons.

RORY

Which are?

LORELAI

My alarm is just not as reliable as your scream.

RORY

You will pay.

LORELAI

That's fine, honey. Now, coffee?

RORY

I am writing this in my ledger of all the crummy things you've done over the years, and when I leave this house, mark my words – you will pay!

LORELAI

Oh great. It's 5:30 a.m., and I have no coffee in my system.

ALEX

Hi.

LORELAI

Hi.

ALEX

[holds up a bag] Coffee and donuts.

LORELAI

Ah, I like you. Come on in. Right in here. [they walk to the living room] This is Rory.

ALEX

Hi, I'm Alex.

RORY

Nice to meet you. Would've been nicer in the daylight, but...

LORELAI

Okay, let's get going. It's not like the fish are gonna wait for us all day, right? I'll take that coffee now. Thank you. I got it, I got it.

ALEX

Your mom's never been fishing before, has she?

RORY

Oh, no, she's a well-seasoned fish killer.

ALEX

Uh huh. I made lunch reservations at the Shahaela Lodge and Spa afterward. Think she'll like that?

RORY

She'll love that.

ALEX

Good. Go back to sleep.

MRS. KIM

Min Jae, you lost weight. Look good, not so fat.

MIN JAE

Thank you.

MRS. KIM

What is that?

LANE

The bride's thirsty.

MRS. KIM

Regulate the water. Once the dress is on, that's it – must remain standing.

LANE

Hi.

DAVE

Hi, and hi.

LANE

Uh, this will not be the mental image you carry around of me the rest of the week.

DAVE

No, it won't. Hold on, I just saw the back. Yes, it will.

MRS. KIM

Why aren't you upstairs? It's not right to leave the bride alone on her wedding day.

LANE

Uh, Rory's up there, Mama, and I'm going up there right now. Dave Rygalski was just wondering where to set up.

MRS. KIM

David, hello.

DAVE

Hello, Mrs. Kim. The place looks wonderful.

MRS. KIM

Thank you. Come, sit here. This is Ho Kyung, she'll sing with you.

DAVE

Hi.

MRS. KIM

Watch the high notes, she's a runner.

LANE

How's it going?

RORY

I like it, but I'm not the one getting married. [to bride] Um, your hair, do you like it?

LANE

Too much for me.

RORY

Oh, I found the Mrs. Kim-approved makeup in the drawer, but let me tell you, since the last wedding, it has developed a smell.

LANE

A what? Oh boy.

RORY

As I said, a smell.

LANE

Well, I've got the good stuff right here, right next to the Peggy Lee.

RORY

Seems appropriate.

LANE

I thought so. Shall we?

RORY

Unh unh, the foot stool.

LANE

Whoa. All set. So, Dave's here.

RORY

He is, huh?

LANE

I still can't believe he's willing to do all this just to go out with me.

RORY

Well, hey, where else can he find a decent, pretty, smart girl who can recite the entire encyclopedia of rock in 5/8 time?

LANE

Nowhere, I guess.

RORY

I'm really happy for you guys.

LANE

Thanks. I'm really happy for you and Jess, too.

RORY

Thanks. You know it's okay, right?

LANE

Not following.

RORY

It's okay not to like Jess.

LANE

I said I was happy for you.

RORY

I know.

LANE

God, I'm such a jerk.

RORY

You're not. Look, we're not always going to like the same things. Like, you like Smashing Pumpkins and I don't.

LANE

But that's only 'cause you're close-minded and blind.

RORY

What can I say? They're not my angst.

LANE

Besides, it's not like I don't want to like Jess. I can't help it. As your best friend, I'm very protective of you.

RORY

You could try giving him a second chance.

LANE

I could. I should. I will. Um, hey, maybe we can all go out sometime together as a group, you know, you, me, Dave, Jess.

RORY

Absolutely, we should do that sometime.

LANE

Great. [the door starts to open] Incoming!

MRS. KIM

What's going on in here?

LANE

Nothing, Mama.

RORY

I fell off my chair.

LANE

Oh, well, don't.

RORY

Yes, ma'am.

MRS. KIM

She looks very beautiful. Must've gotten a good night sleep.

RORY

How many people do you think have gotten married here over the years?

LANE

I counted once off the guest book – forty-six.

RORY

Wow. What happened to that one, Min Cha? She married a real mean guy.

LANE

Wan Nam. Didn't I tell you about them?

RORY

No.

LANE

Well, Min Cha put up with seven years of Wan Nam telling her she was stupid and ordering her to cook all his meals. Then one day, he was in the kitchen looking for his lunch and she just snapped. Took a carrot peeler and turned on him.

RORY

A carrot peeler?

LANE

You can get those things pretty sharp. Anyway, she just came at him and started peeling. The neighbors called the police. They showed up and Wan Nam was just standing there all peeled.

RORY

What happened?

LANE

He didn't press charges, but now he makes all his own meals, sleeps in a locked separate room, and keeps the cutting board by his bed for protection. Still married, though.

RORY

Wow.

LANE

Everybody's still married. It's like a factory system here. They all come to the weddings, find a spouse, get married and stay that way 'til they die.

RORY

They mate for life, like the loons.

LANE

You know, this may be the last wedding for a long time, though.

RORY

How come?

LANE

Well, all my cousins in their twenties and thirties are married. James was the last one.

RORY

Wow. It feels like we've had at least two of these every year since I can remember.

LANE

Elementary school, when we met.

RORY

Elementary school, when we met, yeah.

LANE

Well, we do have some distant relatives left. Maybe we can go to one of those weddings. You know, when we come home from college on break or something.

RORY

Well, then, we should definitely keep the makeup.

LANE

We definitely should.

RORY

And who knows, maybe the next Kim wedding we do makeup for will be yours.

LANE

Too scary, don't freak me out.

RORY

Sorry.

LANE

So, what do you think, eye shadow?

RORY

Why not? Let's do it. Peeled to death – that's a bad way to go.

LUKE

[to customer] Here you go. We'll top that off for ya. [to Jess] Coffee over here.

JESS

Where you going?

LUKE

Uh, Miss Leahy?

NICOLE

Yeah? Mr. Danes, how are you?

LUKE

Good, good, and it's Luke.

NICOLE

Okay, Luke. What can I do for you?

LUKE

I wouldn't cross there.

NICOLE

Why not?

LUKE

Well, Taylor's a stickler about jaywalking and he's town magistrate. I'd hate for you to be disbarred.

NICOLE

Well, that would be a bad way to end a career, thank you.

LUKE

Sure. So, uh, did the lease forms all work out? I mean, was my signature okay? 'Cause sometimes I'm in a kind of a hurry and my hand just takes off without me.

NICOLE

Your signature seemed very steady.

LUKE

Good, good, 'cause you never know.

NICOLE

Well –

LUKE

Listen, I was thinking about that cup of coffee you had at my place the other day. I felt bad making Taylor pay for it – not that I ever feel bad sticking it to Taylor. I just thought it might get you in trouble with a client. I'd hate to see you disbarred again.

NICOLE

To be honest, I actually paid for the coffee myself.

LUKE

Oh, oh, well, then at least let me pay you back for it.

NICOLE

You wanna give me seventy-five cents?

LUKE

No, no, no, uh, what I meant was – ah, what the hell? Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?

NICOLE

Yeah.

LUKE

Really?

NICOLE

I'd love to have dinner with you.

LUKE

Great. Okay, uh, well, I have your card.

NICOLE

Mmhmm.

LUKE

Why don't I give you a call this week and we'll make that happen.

NICOLE

Sounds good.

LUKE

Yeah, sounds good. So, see ya. Watch those crosswalks.

NICOLE

Thanks, I will.

LUKE

Shut up.

JESS

I said nothing.

LUKE

Well, don't.

PRIEST

[speaks Korean to bride]

BRIDE

[answers in Korean]

PRIEST

[to groom] And do you vow to uphold the principles of the seventh commandment as set out in Exodus 20:14?

JAMES

I do.

PRIEST

[speaks Korean] [pause] And so, in the Glory of God, I pronounce you husband and wife.

RORY

That was nice.

LANE

Yeah, it was really nice

MRS. KIM

Reception at Elks Lodge. Two hundred guests. Food goes fast. Let's move.

RORY

I can't believe that's the last time I'll hear your mom say that.

LANE

So, are you coming to the reception?

RORY

Oh, no, I was actually going to –

LANE

Go meet Jess.

RORY

Yeah. Are you mad?

LANE

No. You know, he can come to the reception with you if... he's not really the reception kind of guy, is he?

RORY

Not really. Not yet, anyway.

LANE

We'll work on that.

RORY

Yes, we will.

LANE

Okay, tell him hi for me.

RORY

I will. Tell Dave hi for me.

LANE

I will.

RORY

Bye.

LANE

Bye.

MRS. KIM

Lane!

LANE

Yes, Mama.

MRS. KIM

This is Young Chui.

LANE

Hi.

YOUNG CHUI

Hi.

MRS. KIM

He will take you to the prom.

LANE

What?

MRS. KIM

Young Chui works for his father who builds Adventist hospitals. Young Chui will go to college at Loma Linda University. Then he will return to work for his father building Adventist hospitals. Now, put your coat on. Young Chui and his parents will drive you to Elks Lodge. [walks away]

LANE

Mama! [to Young Chui] I'm sure you're very nice.

MRS. KIM

[to wedding guests] Not a bus stop, door's that way.

LANE

I have to talk to you.

MRS. KIM

Get your coat, we have to go.

LANE

No.

MRS. KIM

No?

LANE

I can't go to the prom with Young Chui.

MRS. KIM

Why not? I thought you wanted to go to the prom.

LANE

Yes, I do wanna go to the prom.

MRS. KIM

I thought you say I could approve the boy you go to the prom with.

LANE

I did say that, but -

MRS. KIM

Well, I found the boy, I approve the boy, now you go to the prom with the boy.

LANE

Mama, um, I'm sure – I'm sure Young Chui's very nice and I'm so grateful you're letting me go to the prom, but the thing is – I like someone else.

MRS. KIM

Someone else?

LANE

Yes.

MRS. KIM

Someone else who?

LANE

Someone else who's been a good friend to this family. Who's proven himself to be of high moral character, someone who you yourself feels is worthy. So worthy, in fact, you let him sit in our pew at church.

MRS. KIM

Who – who did I let sit in our pew?

LANE

Dave Rygalski.

MRS. KIM

The guitar player?

LANE

I know, crazy, right? I can hardly believe it myself because, to be quite honest with you, when I first met him, when you hired him to play at Thanksgiving, well, I just didn't like him at all. He bugged me, actually. But the more you liked him and trusted him, the more I saw the good in him, the God in him, actually, and now I'm convinced... he's the boy I want to take me to prom.

MRS. KIM

He's not Korean.

DAVE

Lane? Hey, Lane? Is everything all right?

LANE

You're not Korean.

RORY

I'm home!

LORELAI

[from upstairs] Upstairs, bathroom!

RORY

Hey. [sees the fish] Oh, no.

LORELAI

Isn't she cute?

RORY

What happened?

LORELAI

The cork fell off my hook and Jayne Mansfield over here bit.

RORY

Jayne Mansfield.

LORELAI

Not the brightest fish in the pond, but she's awfully pretty.

RORY

You caught a fish.

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

And you brought it home.

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

How are you gonna take a bath?

LORELAI

I don't know.

RORY

How long is it gonna live?

LORELAI

Hard to say.

RORY

What are you gonna feed it?

LORELAI

See, this is why I don't fish.

RORY

She is kinda cute.

LORELAI

And she has a great tail swish.

RORY

So, other than bringing home a pet, how was fishing?

LORELAI

Good. The lake was beautiful, snowy and sparkly, and right down the road from the Shahaela Lodge and Spa.

RORY

I knew that.

LORELAI

How could you already know that?

RORY

Alex told me when you guys left.

LORELAI

Two dates with this guy and you're already in cahoots with each other.

RORY

Ah, what can I say? I'm wily.

LORELAI

Uh huh.

RORY

So, are you going out with him again?

LORELAI

Uh huh.

RORY

Camping?

LORELAI

Unh unh.

RORY

Good. So do you think maybe we should try to rehabilitate her and send her back into the wild?

LORELAI

Unfortunately, I think she's already domesticated. Baths and scented candles.

RORY

We'll just have to keep her.

LORELAI

Maybe we can train her to do tricks.

RORY

Tomorrow. Night Jayne.

LORELAI

Night Jayne.