T3E13: “Dear Emily and Richard”

LORELAI

Mom, I swear, it was Aunt Maureen.

EMILY

Aunt Maureen would never hike up her skirt in public.

LORELAI

She would after half a gallon of eggnog.

EMILY

Richard, who was the one who got drunk at our Christmas party and hiked up her skirt in front of the Town and Country photographer?

RICHARD

I'm sorry, did you say something?

LORELAI

I don't know about you, Mom, but I've never felt so fascinating in my entire life.

RORY

I'm so sorry I'm late. Hi Grandma, Hi Grandma.

RICHARD

Hello Rory.

LORELAI

Oh, now he closes the paper.

RORY

Hey, Mom, I stopped by the bookstore on the way here.

LORELAI

You got them?

RORY

I got 'em!

EMILY

Got what?

LORELAI

Rory and I are starting to plan our Europe trip.

RORY

The day after graduation, we are gone.

RICHARD

Well, that sounds very exciting.

EMILY

Lorelai, what are these?

LORELAI

Those are guidebooks.

EMILY

"Europe Through the Backdoor." "The Rough Guide to Europe." What kind of guidebooks are these?

LORELAI

The cheap kind.

RORY

They have all the good information about backpacking and staying in hostels.

EMILY

Backpacking and staying in hostels?

RICHARD

Who's backpacking and staying in hostels?

LORELAI

We are.

EMILY

No, you're not.

RICHARD

What a ridiculous thought.

RORY

We are. We're going to backpack around Europe.

EMILY

Yes, I know, it's fun to tease your grandmother, dear. They're going to backpack across Europe, Richard.

RICHARD

I heard, sounds delightful. Perhaps we should join them.

EMILY

That sounds wonderful. Tomorrow I'll go out and buy some cutoffs.

LORELAI

Guys, we're not kidding.

EMILY

You're telling me you're seriously going to traipse across Europe with your possessions strapped to your back and sleep in a room with thirty other people?

LORELAI

Yes.

RICHARD

No.

RORY

Grandpa.

RICHARD

It's not safe. I forbid it. Call our travel agent.

RORY

But we want to be spontaneous. Jump a train to Paris, head off to Spain.

LORELAI

Oh no, it's raining in Spain. But since the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain...

RORY

Looks like Italy for us!

LORELAI

Mamma mia!

RICHARD

You can still travel around aimlessly and stay in a decent hotel.

LORELAI

We wanna do it cheap.

EMILY

We'll pay.

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Grandma, it's going to be fun, really.

LORELAI

Kids do this all the time.

EMILY

Yes, but you're not a kid, you're a grown woman. What are people going to think when they see a grown woman bunking down with a bunch of twenty-year-olds?

LORELAI

Well, if the twenty-year-olds are cute, they'll probably think, "Lucky!"

RORY

Grandma, don't be upset. It really is going to be great.

EMILY

[reads from book] What's so traumatic about a night without a bed anyway? My survey shows those who have had the opportunity to be a refugee for a night have their perspectives broaden and actually enjoy the experience." Richard, this book is encouraging them to sleep in a park like a squirrel.

LORELAI

It's okay, Mom.

EMILY

My first trip to Europe, I went to Paris and stayed at the Ritz.

LORELAI

Well, I tell you what, if it'll make you happy, we'll go to Paris and eat out of their dumpster.

TOM

All of this goes in there. Let's move, we're getting backlogged.

DEAN

Tom, I brought over the nails you asked for.

TOM

Good. Get the guy's lunch orders, will ya?

DEAN

Already done.

TOM

You're a good kid, Dean. You hardly bug me at all.

DEAN

High praise.

TOM

Yeah, yeah, go, get the food. And don't forget the pickles.

DEAN

I wouldn't dare.

TOM

Oh, what do I gotta say to get this crap inside where it belongs? You got a language I'm not privy to? 'Cause I'm a fast learner.

MISS PATTY

Dean-o, Dean-o, Dean-o. If you grow any taller, I'm gonna have to get myself some mountain climbing equipment.

DEAN

You're getting dangerous to even walk near, you know that, Patty.

MISS PATTY

I've been told.

DEAN

You looking for Mr. Doose?

MISS PATTY

Oh, precious, no. I'm just looking.

DEAN

Ah.

MISS PATTY

Yeah.

DEAN

Okay. Well, uh, enjoy.

MISS PATTY

Oh, I always do. Ahh.

JESS

Move.

LUKE

What? Oh, sorry.

JESS

What's that?

LUKE

It's nothing.

JESS

You reading?

LUKE

It's nothing.

JESS

I never see you reading.

LUKE

Will you just... I read.

JESS

What are you reading?

LUKE

I read, I read.

JESS

What do you read?

LUKE

Invoices, expiration dates.

JESS

I stand corrected. [takes Luke's book]

LUKE

Hey!

JESS

"Hidden Romantic Gems of the Restaurant World." Well, well, well.

LUKE

I would like my property back, please.

JESS

Planning something special?

LUKE

No, nothing special. I'm just taking Nicole to dinner on Friday and I wanna find a place.

JESS

A place you don't normally go to?

LUKE

Yes.

JESS

So a special place.

LUKE

Will you stop saying that word, please? And yes.

JESS

Find anything good?

LUKE

Every single description in here talks about tablecloths and dish design, nothing about the food.

JESS

You are really going through an awful lot for this lawyer.

LUKE

She's not a lawyer. I mean, yes, she's a lawyer, but she's also a lady, and a very nice lady who probably expects good food with her fancy plates and sparse yet elegant décor.

JESS

You're pathetic when you're in love.

LUKE

I'm not in love, I'm dating. This is what you do when you're dating.

JESS

It's not what I do when I'm dating.

LUKE

Well, Rory's a lucky girl. Work. I'm going upstairs.

JESS

Fine, but if a horse-drawn carriage shows up here, my throwing up will be eternal.

DEAN

I gotta place an order.

JESS

Talk into the clown.

DEAN

I am.

JESS

What do you want?

DEAN

Six burgers, three with cheese -- two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain, one with chili, cheese and onions on the side. Your memory's that good?

JESS

You're screwing with me.

DEAN

I'm placing an order.

JESS

For all of Connecticut?

DEAN

For the construction crew next door.

JESS

Oh, you're Taylor's errand boy now.

DEAN

And you're Taylor's waitress.

JESS

Say that a little closer.

DEAN

I thought you had a girlfriend.

JESS

Give me your order and get out.

DEAN

Service with a smile. Uh, six burgers, three cheese -- two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain burgers, one chili burger with cheese and onions on the side. Three ham on ryes - one mayo, one mustard, one combo. A combo means mustard and –

JESS

I know what a combo means.

DEAN

Sorry, guess that confused look is just how your face is.

JESS

Do you wanna talk about this outside?

DEAN

Just as soon as I'm finished. Uh, four hot dogs. Two egg salads on white. One chicken salad on wheat. A chef's salad with ranch. Five fries. Five onion rings. Two chips. Extra pickles.

JESS

On what?

DEAN

Excuse me?

JESS

What are the extra pickles on?

DEAN

On the side.

JESS

On the side of what? On the side of the burgers, on the side of the sandwiches, or on the side of the road where the ditch I'm gonna dump your body into is?

DEAN

Just make sure there's enough for everyone.

JESS

Fine.

DEAN

Aren't you gonna read it back?

JESS

Nope.

DEAN

Okay, but these men were hired by Taylor, which means if they aren't satisfied with their orders, they will send them back. And they will continue to send them back until they are happy, which means you could be making this order until you die.

JESS

Six burgers, three with cheese – two cheddar, one Swiss.

DEAN

Slower, please. I'm checking them off as we go.

JESS

Two plain burgers, one chili with cheese and onion on the side.

LORELAI

[on phone] Hey, it's your party, we just want you to be happy. Okay. No problem. All right, I'll talk to you then. [hangs up] Ridgemont called.

MICHEL

No.

LORELAI

He's changing his mind about the theme for his retirement party again.

MICHEL

No!

LORELAI

We have to call the florist.

MICHEL

But this is the fourth theme he's picked. He had the fishing one, and the Kentucky Derby with the chocolate horsies, and the Tibet with the Richard Gere pictures everywhere.

LORELAI

I know.

MICHEL

And he promised that the golf would be the last one.

LORELAI

Well, he decided that golf was dull and he doesn't want to be remembered as dull.

MICHEL

Would he like to be remembered as limping, because I can be a fabulous help with that.

LORELAI

Hey, guys...

LORELAI

I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.

MICHEL

Here's an idea – it's a retirement party, yes? Okay. So what happens after you retire? You die.

LORELAI

He changed his mind.

LANE

Again?

MICHEL

So, why don't we dig a big hole, throw him in, hand everybody a shovel, they take turns covering him up. We go inside, have dinner, the wife gets used to eating alone...

LORELAI

We are not going to bury him alive.

MICHEL

Well, fine then. What is the new theme?

LORELAI

He is calling me back at four.

RORY

I got the flags and... he changed his mind again.

LANE

He's worse than my mother at the Glory of Easter T-shirt stand.

LORELAI

You kept the receipt, I hope.

RORY

Yup.

LORELAI

Good God, this party is gonna be the death of me.

MICHEL

Or someone.

LORELAI

Go call the florist.

RORY

You're stressed.

LORELAI

You're observant.

RORY

Well, I was going to save this for later, but you look like you need it now.

LORELAI

What's that?

RORY

I have been cordially invited to Sherry Tinsdale's C-section.

LORELAI

No way!

RORY

[reads from invitation] Friday, February seventh, six o'clock p.m. Join the girls for a toast, a hug, a wave to the mommy as they wheel her off, dinner at Sushi Sushi, and then back to the hospital for a formal viewing of brand-new baby Georgia. RSVP at your earliest convenience. P.S. -- gifts are not necessary, but always appreciated.

LORELAI

I don't even know where to start.

RORY

I knew you would like it.

LORELAI

You have to RSVP to a C-section.

RORY

And bring a gift.

LORELAI

I wonder if Laura Mercier makes Demerol.

RORY

You wanna keep it?

LORELAI

Oh, yes, please.

RORY

But don't lose it. I need the phone number.

LORELAI

So, are you going?

RORY

Well, I don't know. I mean, I know it's weird, but I kind of wanna see Georgia. She's sort of my sister.

LORELAI

She's more than sort of your sister.

RORY

I just think it would be cool to meet her the night that she's born. It's a good story to talk about.

LORELAI

You should go.

RORY

I should, shouldn't I?

LORELAI

And you should take pictures and wear a hidden microphone 'cause I wanna hear everything.

RORY

I'll see what I can do.

LORELAI

Oh, shoot.

LORELAI

Sook...

SOOKIE

God!

RORY

I just need to go on record that a grown man should not throw himself a Beanie Baby retirement party.

LORELAI

Just hold your breath this one actually takes.

RORY

And how is Sookie supposed to plan a Beanie Baby menu?

LORELAI

Lots of beans.

RORY

I think this is ridiculous.

LORELAI

Angel face, you need to learn that there are going to be times in your life when you have to do ridiculous things for money. If you're Adrian Zmed, that includes everything that ever happens in your whole career. [sees a box on the porch] Oh Rory, come on. Did you order from Amazon again? 'Cause we're going to get your books their own house.

RORY

I didn't, I swear.

LORELAI

It's from my mother.

RORY

What is it?

LORELAI

It's heavy. Must be her hopes and dreams for me.

RORY

I thought she discarded those years ago.

LORELAI

Just drop the Beanies by the door. [reads note attached to the box] "Girls, here are some travel books I stumbled across in your father's study. I thought they could help in the planning of your European adventure." She's insane.

RORY

We have travel books.

LORELAI

No, sweetie, these aren't our kind of travel books. These are Paris and Nicky Hilton's kind of travel books.

RORY

[pulls some books out of the box] "Selected Hotels of Europe," "Hotels, Restaurants and Inns of Great Britain and Ireland, 1986", "Myra Waldo's Travel and Motoring Guide to Europe, '78."

LORELAI

Wow, these will be an enormous help in planning our trip. Hey, you wanna go see the Berlin Wall?

RORY

Sounds great.

LORELAI

My God, I remember these books. I think the only person in my house who ever read them was me.

RORY

This hotel is five hundred dollars a night.

LORELAI

Five hundred dollars a night twenty years ago.

RORY

What could a hotel possibly have that would make it five hundred dollars a night?

LORELAI

An English menu?

LORELAI

Christopher, stop it, I'm trying to open the door. Graceful and lovely they enter.

CHRISTOPHER

Is she home?

LORELAI

I don't know. Mom, are you home?

CHRISTOPHER

Mom, are you home?

LORELAI

Shh, she'll hear you.

CHRISTOPHER

So, she likes me.

LORELAI

Oh, that's right. Mom, it's me, Lorelai, I'm home! I'm home and I'm taking my sweater off. I'm taking my sweater off and dropping it on the floor. I'm dropping it on the floor and walking away from it. I'm walking away from it and leaving it on the floor, and in two years I'm gonna register Democrat. Looks like no Emily.

CHRISTOPHER

Where's Sofia?

LORELAI

Fired.

CHRISTOPHER

Already.

LORELAI

She touched the Baccarat unicorn.

CHRISTOPHER

My God, is she insane?

LORELAI

Apparently so.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, so, to recap, there's no Emily and there's no Sofia.

LORELAI

And there's no supervision whatsoever. What will we do?

CHRISTOPHER

Let's celebrate.

LORELAI

Celebrate what?

CHRISTOPHER

No more midterms.

LORELAI

Hear, hear.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, I say that we drink to it.

LORELAI

Hear, hear.

CHRISTOPHER

Scotch, vodka, or gin?

LORELAI

Hear, hear.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay.

LORELAI

And put a cherry in it. It looks like the Gilmores are planning a trip again.

CHRISTOPHER

Where to this time?

LORELAI

Someplace fabulous where they'll stay at a fancy hotel with a lot of other rich Americans so they won't have to talk to anyone who actually lives in that country.

CHRISTOPHER

"Myra Waldo's Travel and Motoring Guide to Europe." Hello Myra.

LORELAI

Oh God, I hope they go over Christmas. That would be as holly jolly as it gets. Smooth.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, guess what I decided – I'm not gonna go to college.

LORELAI

Are you serious?

CHRISTOPHER

I'm taking a year and I'm going to Europe. I'm gonna backpack, train it, sleep on a bench, see the world.

LORELAI

And you've told Straub and Francine about your big plans, I'm sure.

CHRISTOPHER

Ah, it doesn't matter.

LORELAI

Mmhmm.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm outta here the second that diploma's in my hand.

LORELAI

Sounds good.

CHRISTOPHER

You're coming with me.

LORELAI

Oh, I am?

CHRISTOPHER

Yup.

LORELAI

I'm sleeping on a bench? Okay, how does that picture look to you, 'cause to me it looks like a big no.

CHRISTOPHER

Fine, you we get a room for, and then I'll just sleep on the bench outside.

LORELAI

Much better arrangement.

CHRISTOPHER

So you'll go?

LORELAI

Christopher, you're supposed to go to college. I'm supposed to go to college. Then you're supposed to join your dad's firm where you'll get a corner office and big stick to shove up your butt.

CHRISTOPHER

Change of plans.

LORELAI

You can't just change the plans. The plans came over on the Mayflower.

CHRISTOPHER

Come on, Lor. Let's get out of here, let's get away from this place. Let's take Myra and just bolt. Leave a note on the dining room table. "Dear Richard and Emily, I don't belong here, I'm going somewhere else, I'll call you when I get there. Love, Lorelai.' How does that sound?

LORELAI

Well, the word "whoopee" comes to mind.

CHRISTOPHER

So, then, it's a plan.

LORELAI

It's a plan.

RORY

Hey, I want to sleep amongst thirteenth century tapestries and chocolates made by local artisans.

LORELAI

Okay, then, it's settled. We're not staying at any place that wasn't built for Napoleon the third's doctor or doesn't have a Chagall in the bathroom.

RORY

Hear, hear.

LORELAI

Now we just have to figure out how we're gonna pay for it. Hey, how good's your organ grinding?

MADELINE

I called last night and I asked her to talk me through the Korean War and she said she was busy.

LOUISE

Oh, she's definitely got a boyfriend.

MADELINE

I know.

LOUISE

Well, I for one think it's about time.

MADELINE

I agree.

LOUISE

It wasn't healthy, all that non-dating.

MADELINE

It definitely didn't help that whole skin thing she was going through.

LOUISE

How come she didn't tell us?

MADELINE

I think she just wanted to make sure it was gonna take.

LOUISE

So, tell us, what's this Jamie like?

RORY

You know, I really don't feel like talking about Paris right now. Or ever.

MADELINE

Oh, come on, you know him, we don't.

LOUISE

Is he sexy?

MADELINE

Does he have a good car?

LOUISE

How's the trust fund?

MADELINE

How's the profile?

LOUISE

Will the prom pictures work?

MADELINE

How are his friends?

LOUISE

Yes. Is there spin-off potential? [Paris walks in] Whoops.

MADELINE

Bye.

PARIS

Okay, everyone, gather around. I have in my hand the 2002 Franklin Yearbook photos. I got copies for everyone, so let's leave the Barney's clearance sale reenactment for another day, shall we? And, please take note of the fact that the idea of posing under the new school banner was a major, major success.

RORY

Um, Paris.

PARIS

Yes?

RORY

I'm sneezing.

PARIS

What?

RORY

In the picture. I'm sneezing and my head is turned.

PARIS

Oh, yeah, I noticed that, but every picture had something wrong with it and I had to pick the one that was the best for the largest number of people.

RORY

We took ninety pictures.

PARIS

What's your point?

RORY

My point is in ninety tries, there wasn't one other picture that was good for the group and didn't have me looking like I'm in Cirque du Soleil.

PARIS

Sorry. Life can play some cruel tricks sometimes.

RORY

Life had a little help from the Gellar camp this time. [cell phone rings] We are not done. [answers phone] Hello?

MAUREEN

Rory, hi, listen. I just got the call and – hold on a sec. I'll call him back. I'm back, sorry. Where was I?

RORY

Who is this?

MAUREEN

Maureen Rollins, Sherry's friend.

RORY

Oh, yes, uh, right, Maureen, I'm sorry, I -

MAUREEN

Don't worry about it. Listen, I know the invitation said that we were all gathering at the c-section next week, but Sherry just went into labor.

RORY

What?

MAUREEN

She screwed up, she's in labor, and she wanted me to call all the girls and beg them to get down to the hospital ASAP.

RORY

Oh.

MAUREEN

It's a big screw-up.

RORY

I guess.

MAUREEN

Can you come?

RORY

Well...

MAUREEN

You're a child, right?

RORY

What?

MAUREEN

School?

RORY

Huh?

MAUREEN

School, you have school?

RORY

Uh, yes, I have school, but –

MAUREEN

Is there anyway you could reschedule school just for today? She completely screwed up, but she's still our Sherry.

RORY

Well, I'm actually done with school now. I could grab a train and –

MAUREEN

That would be the best, the absolute best. You are a great kid. She's at Boston Memorial. I will meet you there. Listen, I have Graydon Carter on the other line.

RORY

Who?

MAUREEN

Graydon Carter. I have to go.

RORY

Okay, bye.

EMILY

Please make sure the light is very soft. I want a luminous quality.

PHOTOGRAPHER

I'm gonna have to see the young lady before I can set the final lighting.

EMILY

Yes, of course. Arletta, did you call Lorelai?

ARLETTA

Yes, ma'am. Twenty minutes ago.

EMILY

And what did she say?

ARLETTA

She said she was still getting dressed. Do you want me to go up there again?

EMILY

No, I'll do it. I swear, you'd think that it was my coming out portrait, not hers, for the amount of concern she has about all of this. I'll be right back. Don't scratch the floor.

LORELAI

Yeah?

EMILY

Lorelai, the photographer needs you downstairs.

LORELAI

I'll be there in a sec.

EMILY

He needs you now, not in a sec.

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

I don't hear you walking toward the door.

LORELAI

Mom, please.

EMILY

I'm coming in.

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

I don't have time for your attitude young lady. This man is being paid by the hour. Why aren't you dressed?

LORELAI

I just... I think the zipper's too new or stiff or something.

EMILY

Turn around, I'll do it. [tries to zip up the dress] Oh my God.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

It's not the zipper, it's the dress. It's too small.

LORELAI

Are you sure?

EMILY

Of course I'm sure. It's too small. How can it be too small? We had a fitting three months ago. Have you gained weight?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

Hold your breath.

LORELAI

I am.

EMILY

Hold your breath!

LORELAI

I am!

EMILY

The only thing I can think of is the dressmaker must've written the measurements down wrong. Well, what are we supposed to do now? I certainly can't take a picture of you like that.

LORELAI

Sorry.

EMILY

I'll just have to have him come back next week. And I'm going to call that woman at the dress shop and give her a piece of my mind. My God, is everyone in the world completely incompetent? Put on your sweats and run around the block. You're gonna fit into the next dress no matter what.

LORELAI

Okay, I have five minutes to drink as much coffee as I can before I have to drive to Hartford to spend the evening with my mother alone and... who am I saying this to?

KIRK

I was listening.

LORELAI

Where's Luke?

KIRK

I don't know.

LORELAI

Well, is he here? Is he coming back? How fresh is that pot?

KIRK

I don't know, I don't know, it was sitting there when I got here but that's only been a minute so I don't know.

LORELAI

Oh, thank God. Hey, I desperately need a massive cup of coffee to go and – what happened to your face?

LUKE

What do you mean?

LORELAI

It's visible.

LUKE

Oh, I shaved.

LORELAI

You going to the bank?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

Funeral?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

Drag club?

LUKE

Let's get you your coffee, shall we?

LORELAI

Hey, isn't that the sweater that –

LUKE

Yes, it is.

LORELAI

You look nice.

LUKE

Thank you.

LORELAI

What's the occasion?

LUKE

Oh, well –

NICOLE

Hi.

LUKE

Hi.

LORELAI

Oh, it's a girl. It's a...

LUKE

Nicole, this is Lorelai.

NICOLE

Nice to meet you. I'm Nicole Leahy.

LORELAI

Lorelai Gilmore.

NICOLE

Wow, you look nice.

LUKE

Yeah, you, too.

NICOLE

So, you ready or should I sit down?

LUKE

No, let's go, I'm ready.

NICOLE

Okay. [her cell phone rings] Oh, I'm sorry. I'll just –

LORELAI

Oh, hey, hey Luke...

LUKE

She's a lawyer.

LORELAI

So what? Luke!

LUKE

Shh!

NICOLE

Hello? Yes. No, I'm sorry, Monday's not gonna work, it'll have to be Tuesday. Yes, well, your client breaking a contract is fairly annoying also, but we're all dealing with that. Terrific to hear. Bye Michael. [hangs up] Sorry. The phone is going off now.

LUKE

It's okay. Make as many calls as you want.

NICOLE

Nice meeting you.

LORELAI

You, too.

MAUREEN

[on phone] As soon as I can. All right, bye.

RORY

Maureen?

MAUREEN

Yes?

RORY

I'm Rory. I'm Christopher's daughter. You called me to come down.

MAUREEN

Rory, yes, sweetie, thank God you're here. Sherry's gonna be so happy to see you. She's a basketcase. Well, who wouldn't be, right?

RORY

Where's everyone else?

MAUREEN

Oh, they're working.

RORY

What?

MAUREEN

Well, we had all planned on next week, but Sherry screwed up, so what can you do? Thank God you're here. She'll be thrilled. She's feeling a little abandoned. Now, she's right in there. Do not mention how fat she is. For some reason, she's extremely sensitive about that today. Okay, kiss. I'll call you later to find out how everything's going.

RORY

Wait, where are you going?

MAUREEN

I've gotta get back to work. I'm swamped today.

RORY

You're leaving me here alone?

MAUREEN

Believe me, I would love to stay hon – impossible. What can I say? Sherry screwed up. Anyhow, you'll be fine. If you need anything, call.

RORY

I don't have your number.

MAUREEN

Sherry's got it. [walks away]

RORY

Sherry? It's Rory.

SHERRY

Rory? Oh my God, I'm so glad you're here.

RORY

How are you?

SHERRY

This wasn't supposed to happen now.

RORY

I know.

SHERRY

Christopher's out of town. I think Maureen called him and left a message but it doesn't matter because he's not here. Where's Maureen?

RORY

Oh, well, she had to go back to work, but she said she'd call later.

SHERRY

She's at work?

RORY

Yes.

SHERRY

I'm lying in a bed. God knows what's gonna happen.

RORY

Well, you're going to have a baby.

SHERRY

And she goes back to work. I would love to go back to work, but I can't because I have to stay here.

RORY

Well, yeah, because you're going to have a baby.

SHERRY

She's not here. None of my friends are here. Christopher isn't here. No one is here. No one but you. Thank God you're here, Rory. I don't think that I could do this by myself because this wasn't supposed to happen until next week. I wrote it down. I wrote it down. I wrote it down!

RORY

Boy, do you look thin.

EMILY

Well, it's a rare treat to have an evening alone with my daughter uncoerced.

LORELAI

Yes, it is, isn't it?

EMILY

So Rory's at the hospital?

LORELAI

Uh, yeah. She's gonna see her new half-sister fresh from the oven.

EMILY

Well, that's about an unpleasant a description as I've ever heard. I thought we'd have martinis.

LORELAI

Very good thought.

EMILY

Olives?

LORELAI

Twist.

EMILY

So how's Rory feeling about Christopher's new baby?

LORELAI

She's very excited. It's kind of cute.

EMILY

You should've gotten her a puppy.

LORELAI

Stop. No maid tonight?

EMILY

Leloni usually takes Sundays off, but she wanted to switch and seeing as it's just you and I, I said yes.

LORELAI

Leloni, huh? Very exotic name.

EMILY

She's from Honolulu.

LORELAI

Cool. Does she know Don Ho?

EMILY

No.

LORELAI

Charo?

EMILY

No.

LORELAI

The C&H Pure Cane Sugar dancers?

EMILY

Lorelai, please, we don't have a buffer here tonight.

LORELAI

So who cooked dinner? Ugh, please don't tell me it's you 'cause we can always... diet.

EMILY

Leloni made a roast before she left and I heated it up.

LORELAI

You did?

EMILY

I even added a little wine to the pan to keep it from drying out.

LORELAI

Well, who died and made you Sara Moulton?

EMILY

Drink this and be quiet.

LORELAI

So, um, how long is Dad gone for this time?

EMILY

Two weeks.

LORELAI

Didn't he just come home last week?

EMILY

Yes, he did.

LORELAI

So business must be pretty good?

EMILY

I suppose. He has to work twice as hard as he ever did, and I'm still not sure that he's actually made a dime yet. However, he does see to be having the time of his life, so what can you do?

LORELAI

Nothing, I guess. Hey Mom, can I ask you something?

EMILY

Of course you can.

LORELAI

What do you do while Dad is gone?

EMILY

Well, I do all sorts of things.

LORELAI

Like what?

EMILY

Well, I keep this house running.

LORELAI

Uh huh.

EMILY

And I have my DAR meetings and there's always a thousand calls to make. I have functions and fundraising events to organize. A million different things.

LORELAI

Okay, but what do you do at night?

EMILY

Excuse me?

LORELAI

I mean, you don't organize functions at night, do you?

EMILY

What are you insinuating?

LORELAI

I'm not insinuating anything, Mom. I'm just trying to find out a little bit about your life.

EMILY

Well, your father calls every night at nine o'clock and we talk.

LORELAI

So, you spend fifteen minutes talking to Dad and then you hang up the phone and you – what? Watch television?

EMILY

I don't watch that much television. I don't find forensic work quite as fascinating as the rest of the world.

LORELAI

But you have cable, right? I mean, you could watch movies.

EMILY

Yes, but I never know where the maid puts that guide they send you, so I always wind up turning it on after a movie has already started and I don't like to come in on the middle of things.

LORELAI

But you could tape the movies, or get a DVD player.

EMILY

I don't need a DVD player.

LORELAI

Well, why not? Then you could buy all those musicals you love and watch them whenever you felt like it.

EMILY

I'm not an invalid, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Well, of course you are, Mother. Why else would I suggest a DVD player?

EMILY

I can fill my time all by myself and I'd like you to drop this conversation right now.

LORELAI

Where are you going?

EMILY

We're going to eat. [starts walking toward the kitchen]

LORELAI

[follows her] Just because you leave the room doesn't mean the conversation's over. I started the conversation. The conversation's in me. Therefore, when I get over there, the conversation's just gonna start up again.

STRAUB

This is unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable.

FRANCINE

I feel sick.

STRAUB

Everything's gone. It's been tossed right out the window. Stop crying.

EMILY

Here Francine, drink your water. We all need to calm down. Getting upset isn't going to get us anywhere.

FRANCINE

What do we tell people?

EMILY

Well, who needs to know?

STRAUB

What do you mean, who needs to know?

EMILY

You don't have to yell at me, Straub.

STRAUB

Everybody has to know, Emily. Everybody will know. We can't pretend this didn't happen.

FRANCINE

You could send her away.

EMILY

Excuse me?

FRANCINE

Aren't there places that take girls like that?

EMILY

Girls like what, Francine?

FRANCINE

Well, girls in... I can't handle this, I can't handle this at all.

STRAUB

Stop crying, dammit.

EMILY

Christopher is just as much to blame as Lorelai is.

STRAUB

Like hell he is.

EMILY

They are in this together.

STRAUB

I don't see why. Why should Christopher sacrifice everything we've planned for him just because –

EMILY

Choose your words extremely carefully, Straub.

FRANCINE

Emily, you know we love Lorelai, you know that. But Christopher's so young, he's a baby.

EMILY

Well, Lorelai's not exactly collecting social security.

STRAUB

Why doesn't she get rid of it?

EMILY

What?

FRANCINE

Straub.

STRAUB

It's an option.

EMILY

It certainly is not an option.

STRAUB

Why not?

EMILY

Because I say so.

STRAUB

Then what the hell are you suggesting, Emily? What's your great solution to this problem?

RICHARD

They will get married, they will live here, and Christopher will go to work at my company. That is the solution. Now, we have a plan so we can all stop talking about it. Please excuse me, I have work to do.

EMILY

I think Richard's plan sounds very sensible.

STRAUB

I just have one question – why his company?

EMILY

What do you mean, his company?

STRAUB

Well, I have a law firm. Christopher could go to school.

LORELAI

I know we're all upset here folks, but maybe we should ask the kids what they think. Lorelai, Christopher, anything to add here?

CHRISTOPHER

Quiet, they'll hear you.

LORELAI

Not likely. I don't know how much longer I can just sit here like this.

CHRISTOPHER

It's okay, let them talk.

LORELAI

They're talking about us.

CHRISTOPHER

They're trying to figure out what to do.

LORELAI

What to do with our lives – our lives! Yours and mine and... its.

CHRISTOPHER

We're gonna need their help.

LORELAI

We can take care of ourselves.

CHRISTOPHER

How?

LORELAI

We'll figure it out.

CHRISTOPHER

It's okay. It sounds okay.

LORELAI

What sounds okay?

CHRISTOPHER

You know, working for your dad, living here. It sounds okay.

LORELAI

Chris, no! What about Europe? What about sleeping on a bench in Paris?

CHRISTOPHER

We can't do that now. I have to get a job.

LORELAI

No!

CHRISTOPHER

I have to make money.

LORELAI

No!

CHRISTOPHER

It's okay, really.

EMILY

[in background] You're not even listening to each other.

STRAUB

[in background] Oh, for God's sake Francine, shut up!

RORY

[on phone] So, we'll see you next Friday at three. And once again, sorry for the short notice. Okay, bye. [hangs up]

SHERRY

Great, who's next?

RORY

Um, Sheldon Harnick.

SHERRY

Try and set him for Wednesday.

RORY

Okay.

SHERRY

Oh, and don't tell him I'm pregnant. He hates pregnancy.

RORY

Oh, how about a plumbing problem?

SHERRY

Sounds good.

NURSE

Okay, so how are we doing?

SHERRY

I'm not sure.

NURSE

Well, don't be nervous. Everything's going to be just fine. I just wanted to check on you and to see who's going to be with you in the delivery room while it's happening.

SHERRY

Oh, my fiancé's on his way. He's on his way, right?

RORY

Yes, he's on his way.

SHERRY

Okay, so when he gets here, he'll come in with me.

NURSE

And if he doesn't get here in time?

SHERRY

Then we'll just have to wait.

NURSE

I'm afraid that's gonna be a little tough to arrange. Once it starts, that's it.

SHERRY

Okay, well, then I guess it's Rory. Right?

RORY

Oh. Absolutely.

NURSE

Okay, then I'm gonna get you a gown and some gloves so you'll be all set in case you have to go in.

RORY

That sounds great.

NURSE

I'll be right back. [leaves]

SHERRY

Okay, where were we?

RORY

Um, listen, Sherry, I really need a cup of coffee. Would you mind if I ran out really quick?

SHERRY

Oh, no, go ahead. I'll make the next few calls myself.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Hello?

RORY

Mom, they're giving me gloves!

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

RORY

I don't want gloves, I don't want a gown, I don't wanna be in there.

LORELAI

In where?

RORY

In the delivery room with Sherry.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Dad's not here yet and she's freaking out and she told the nurse I'm going in and –

LORELAI

Where are her other friends?

RORY

They had to work. I'm here all by myself and I'm trying very hard to be calm but I'm starting to feel nauseous, and the hospital has a smell, and there are noises, and those gowns do not stay closed and I've seen a lot of butts today! And -

LORELAI

Okay, sweetie, calm down.

RORY

I need you.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

I need you, I need you here, I need you now. I cannot do this alone. I need my Mommy, and dammit, I don't care who knows it!

LORELAI

What hospital is it?

RORY

Boston Memorial.

LORELAI

I'll be right there.

RORY

I really, really like you.

LORELAI

Tell Sherry to keep her legs crossed 'til I get there.

RORY

Does that work?

LORELAI

No. Bye. [hangs up] Mom, I gotta go, I'm sorry. Dinner was great.

EMILY

Where are you going?

LORELAI

Sherry's freaking out and Rory's the only one with her, so I'm going to the hospital.

EMILY

You're going to be with Rory's father's girlfriend while she has his baby?

LORELAI

Gee, Mom, I can't at all tell what your opinion on that might be.

EMILY

Why would you do this? This woman pulled Christopher away from you, away from Rory. She destroyed any chance you might have had –

LORELAI

Rory asked me to come, that's why I'm going.

EMILY

I don't understand what Rory's doing there either.

LORELAI

She's going to have a sister.

EMILY

Half-sister.

LORELAI

Thank you for a lovely dinner. I'll see you next week.

LORELAI

Ow!

NURSE

Are you done?

LORELAI

Yes.

NURSE

Okay. Is anyone with you, hon?

LORELAI

No.

NURSE

Well, someone will be up to get you in just a second.

LORELAI

Thanks.

LORELAI

Um, excuse me, Sherry Tinsdale's room please?

NURSE

Right through there.

LORELAI

Thank you.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Hey.

RORY

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

LORELAI

You're welcome, and I will be holding this over you for the next ten years. What are you doing?

RORY

Xeroxing.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Sherry had some status reports she promised to fax to people by tomorrow but she didn't bring enough, and so I've been trying to find a Xerox machine. I finally conned someone in ICU into letting me use theirs. I haven't found a fax machine yet, but –

LORELAI

Okay, come on.

RORY

I have to fax these.

LORELAI

Uh huh, let's go.

RORY

But we have a deadline.

LORELAI

Mmhmm.

SHERRY

[on phone] Yes, I'm having them faxed over right now. Yes, that's right. Well, I'm not sure if the numbers I have are the numbers that you have. That's right, that's bad. Uh huh. Well, I think you should, too. [to Rory] Did you get those things faxed?

LORELAI

Sherry, hang up.

SHERRY

No, I have to finish this call.

LORELAI

Just say goodbye.

SHERRY

But –

LORELAI

You'll call 'em back.

SHERRY

I –

LORELAI

Hi. Uh, Sherry's gonna have to call you back. Yeah, I promise. Okay, goodbye. [hangs up]

SHERRY

No, that was work.

LORELAI

Sherry, you really shouldn't be working right now.

SHERRY

I can't just stop everything because I'm...

LORELAI

Having a baby. Admitting it is the first step, honey.

SHERRY

I'm not ready. I had it planned. Christopher was supposed to be here.

LORELAI

I know.

SHERRY

I don't know what to do.

LORELAI

Well, the first thing you have to do is calm down and stop working.

SHERRY

Okay.

LORELAI

And the second thing is, you need to tell me why you're sitting like that.

SHERRY

Maureen told me that Howard Stern said that if you squat, it makes the baby come out faster.

LORELAI

Okay, as long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source.

SHERRY

I'm scared.

LORELAI

I know. It's scary, and it hurts like hell. And remember, when it comes out not to look at it too hard until they give it a good cleaning, or you'll think you gave birth to phlegm. But, um, once they give it a good scrub, it's just unbelievably cool.

SHERRY

Yeah?

LORELAI

Well, and look how good they grow up. Not bad, huh?

SHERRY

I hope I get that lucky.

LORELAI

I've got a good feeling.

SHERRY

Thank you. Lorelai?

LORELAI

Yeah?

SHERRY

My ankles are starting to hurt.

LORELAI

Okay, grab an arm.

SHERRY

I'm glad you're here.

LORELAI

Well, at this moment, you probably should be.

LORELAI

She's jogging in place.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

I think she's hoping to aerobicize the thing right out of there.

RORY

Well, should we stop her?

LORELAI

I tried. She almost took an eye out.

RORY

Well, that can't be good for the baby.

LORELAI

Well, it's probably no worse than the guilt trip it's gonna get for showing up a week early.

RORY

You do know it's a girl.

LORELAI

Yes, I should probably stop calling it "it". Her "it".

RORY

I was just bringing you some coffee.

LORELAI

Thanks. Did you try calling your dad again?

RORY

His cell's not in service or out of range or something.

LORELAI

You do know if he doesn't get here, I have to go in with her.

RORY

Yes, I do.

LORELAI

Well, I don't want to go in with her.

RORY

At least you know what's gonna happen.

LORELAI

I had the cheap seat before. My view was quite a bit different.

RORY

Hey, should we buy a camera or something?

LORELAI

For what?

RORY

If Dad doesn't get here, shouldn't we maybe –

LORELAI

No.

RORY

But –

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

No.

RORY

I just thought it would be nice.

CHRISTOPHER

Lor, Rory!

LORELAI

Oh, thank God you're here, Chris.

CHRISTOPHER

Has it happened? Did I miss it?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

You have perfect timing.

CHRISTOPHER

I must've broken fifteen different laws getting here. I don't even remember where I left my car. I thought I wasn't gonna make it.

LORELAI

Well, take a breath, you did make it, and Sherry's gonna be thrilled.

CHRISTOPHER

Where is she?

LORELAI

Come on.

CHRISTOPHER

Is this...

LORELAI

Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER

Sherry!

SHERRY

Christopher, you're here! I can't believe you're here. I didn't think you'd make it.

CHRISTOPHER

Are you kidding? You think I'd miss this.

SHERRY

No, I'm sorry. It's just, I'm just in a lot of pain and I can't think straight.

NURSE

I take it this is your fiancé.

SHERRY

Yeah, this is him. This is my Christopher.

NURSE

Well, Christopher, are you coming in with us?

CHRISTOPHER

Try and stop me.

NURSE

Okay, let's go then.

RORY

We'll be right here, waiting.

LORELAI

Have fun.

RORY

Have fun?

LORELAI

Well...

LORELAI

Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go away, please.

NURSE

Just breathe deep, honey.

LORELAI

Breathing doesn't help, can I hit you instead?

NURSE

What?

LORELAI

Or pinch you really hard, 'cause that might make me feel better.

NURSE

No, you cannot hit me.

LORELAI

Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you 'cause I really need to do something.

EMILY

Lorelai Gilmore!

LORELAI

Wheel this a little faster, please.

EMILY

Lorelai, you do not do this. You do not just leave a person a note.

LORELAI

Okay, see the timing here?

EMILY

"Dear Mom and Dad, I'm in labor. See you later, Lorelai."

LORELAI

Ow.

RICHARD

Emily, please, I feel ridiculous.

EMILY

You're having a baby – do you know that, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Well, that explains the stomachache.

EMILY

You do not leave your house when you are having a baby without telling your mother. You say, "Excuse me, Mom. I'm having a baby, give me a ride to the damn hospital!"

RICHARD

Emily, please, I wore the wrong shoes for this.

EMILY

Of all the things in the world I had a right to do, driving my daughter to the hospital to give birth, especially since she's sixteen years old and doesn't have her driver's license yet, is definitely one of them.

NURSE

Ma'am, I need to wait out here, please.

EMILY

Why?

NURSE

Because we're going into the delivery room.

EMILY

I want to go in.

LORELAI

No, Mom, please.

RICHARD

Yes, Emily, please.

EMILY

Fine, we'll be right here when you're done.

LORELAI

Super.

EMILY

And do not think we're finished discussing this, young lady, because we are not!

RICHARD

Emily, let's just sit here.

RORY

I'm glad he got here.

LORELAI

Yeah. Me, too.

RORY

So I guess now we wait?

LORELAI

Yup, now we wait.

JESS

Kirk, how long are you gonna sit here?

KIRK

What do you mean?

JESS

It's been four hours. Go home.

KIRK

It's boring at home. My TV's broken.

JESS

So do something else.

KIRK

Like what?

JESS

Read a book.

KIRK

What book?

JESS

Any book.

KIRK

I'm gonna need a suggestion.

JESS

Moby Dick.

KIRK

That's about the whale?

JESS

Yes.

KIRK

No. What else?

JESS

Forget it, just sit there.

KIRK

Okay.

LUKE

So he just drove all the way to New York, picked up the cheese, drove back. Nobody talked about it ever again.

NICOLE

Oh, God, I love cheese.

LUKE

Well, you would've gotten along very well with my father. So, you want some coffee?

NICOLE

I would love some coffee.

LUKE

Have a seat. Jess, coffee over here.

NICOLE

So, I have to say, I really hated that restaurant.

LUKE

Good, I like that we're on the same page here.

NICOLE

I did, however, have a really good time.

LUKE

Once again, I like that we're on the same page here.

JESS

Okay, coffee.

NICOLE

Thank you.

JESS

Did you have a good time?

NICOLE

Yeah, we had a really good time.

JESS

Okay, well, I'm going to go out for about an hour.

LUKE

What are you talking about? It's 11:30.

JESS

I know. I'm just gonna go out for about an hour.

LUKE

Where?

JESS

Out.

LUKE

Out where?

JESS

Out for about an hour.

LUKE

What are you talking about?

JESS

I'm talking about going out for about an hour. What – you need more time?

LUKE

Nicole, will you excuse me for a minute?

NICOLE

Sure.

LUKE

Okay.

KIRK

They have amazing communication.

JESS

I guess I'm not going out for about an hour.

LUKE

Say goodnight, Jess.

JESS

I don't understand you, man.

LUKE

My mystique is part of my charm.

JESS

You at least want me to take a walk around the block?

LUKE

Jess.

JESS

Take an extra long shower?

LUKE

Go upstairs.

JESS

Sorry, I tried.

CHRISTOPHER

Lor?

LORELAI

Are you a daddy?

CHRISTOPHER

Come on, come look. We'll wake Rory later.

LORELAI

Okay.

LORELAI

So how was it?

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, man, Lor, in my wildest dreams, I never could've imagined. I've never been that nervous or terrified or nauseous in my entire life. It was like the most amazing thing ever in the world. It was like... well, you know.

LORELAI

Yes, I do know.

CHRISTOPHER

I've never seen anything like it.

LORELAI

Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER

And Sherry was great. I'm flying, I mean it, I'm flying.

CHRISTOPHER

There.

LORELAI

Wow.

CHRISTOPHER

That's my daughter.

LORELAI

I can tell.

CHRISTOPHER

How?

LORELAI

I think she conned that one out of his blanket.

CHRISTOPHER

She's perfect.

LORELAI

Rory was perfect. She, however, is a good solid second.

CHRISTOPHER

I just can't believe it.

LORELAI

She's beautiful, really. Congratulations Christopher.

CHRISTOPHER

Thank you. Thank you for everything.

LORELAI

Of course.

CHRISTOPHER

She's pretty.

LORELAI

She's perfect.

CHRISTOPHER

So, I guess we should get married.

CHRISTOPHER

I should wake Rory, don't you think?

LORELAI

Yeah, she'd like to see this.

EMILY

I'll get it, Leloni. You find out where that smell is coming from. [answers door] Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hi, Mom.

EMILY

What on Earth are you doing here? What is this?

LORELAI

This is your new DVD player.

EMILY

My what?

LORELAI

Plus, I picked up Singin' in the Rain, Funny Girl, Easter Parade, An American in Paris, and as an added bonus, the new classic dance series – Urban Cowboy, Saturday Night Fever, Grease, Footloose, and Flashdance. Trust me, you're gonna be cutting up your sweatshirts all weekend.

EMILY

Why did you do this?

LORELAI

'Cause I thought you'd enjoy it.

EMILY

But I don't know anything about a DVD player.

LORELAI

Mom, trust me, once it's hooked up, all you'll have to know is how to press play.

EMILY

But who's gonna hook it up?

LORELAI

I am.

EMILY

You know how to hook this up?

LORELAI

I know how to read an instruction manual.

EMILY

Since when?

LORELAI

Hm, please.

EMILY

Maybe we should get a professional.

LORELAI

I can do this. Just give me five seconds here.

EMILY

Well? Well, can you do it? Oh, just forget it.

LORELAI

Mom, please, just let me focus on this for one more second, and if I cannot do it, I'll get a professional DVD guy in here to install it, okay?

EMILY

I still don't understand why you got me this. [looks at the DVDs] I love this movie.

EMILY

Lorelai, we're leaving! Well, what do you know? She finally put Rory's stroller away. It's the first time in a year I haven't tripped over that thing.

RICHARD

Where's my scarf?

EMILY

I told Tina to put everything out for you, Richard.

RICHARD

Out where?

EMILY

Look on the table.

RICHARD

You have to be more specific with her, Emily.

EMILY

Fine, Richard.

RICHARD

There should be a designated place to put things.

EMILY

Whatever you say, Richard. Lorelai, we are leaving! Please acknowledge that! Where is that girl?

RICHARD

This is not the scarf I asked for.

EMILY

Well, it looks fine. Can you just wear it?

RICHARD

No, I'm gonna go back upstairs and get the scarf I intended to wear in the first place. Well, I'm surprised at you Emily. These are your friends we're seeing tonight. You would have thought that my appearance would be a priority for you. I didn't want to go to this thing in the first place. I have an early meeting in the morning, and I would much rather go to bed and ignore the fact that the symphony has to reupholster its mezzanine this year.

RICHARD

Emily? Emily?

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

Well, can you do it?

LORELAI

I have no idea.

EMILY

Where are you going? Are you going to take it back?

LORELAI

I'm going upstairs.

EMILY

Why?

LORELAI

I think I should put this in your bedroom. That's your best TV.

EMILY

You just said you didn't know how to hook that up.

LORELAI

I'll figure it out.

EMILY

But there are wires involved and connections and electricity. You could hurt yourself or set the house on fire.

LORELAI

[sings] In your Easter bonnet...

EMILY

You could ruin our television set.

LORELAI

... with all the frills upon it, you'll be the grandest fella in the Easter parade. Hoo! I'll be all in clover...

EMILY

I don't like being ignored, Lorelai.

LORELAI

... and when they look us over, we'll be the proudest people in the Easter parade.