T3E15: “Face-Off”

TAYLOR

So, I have talked to every member of my family and we agreed that you can hold the rooms on my credit card, but everyone must check out with their own.

LORELAI

Got it.

TAYLOR

Have we gone over the room arrangements yet?

LORELAI

Closing in on a hundred and fifty times.

TAYLOR

Well, the Doose clan is very, very particular about their accommodations. We are light sleepers and are prone to night terrors, and several of us are very allergic to bed clothing, so it's very important that we are –

LORELAI

On the first floor or near a fire escape. Yes, Taylor, I know, it's all taken care of. Um, Taylor, could you just hang on a second? I'll be right back.

TAYLOR

Oh, all right, but hurry. I don't have all day.

LORELAI

Hey. You were supposed to bring me a cup of coffee.

RORY

Yes, I know. I'm sorry, I got distracted.

JESS

My fault.

LORELAI

Yes, but see, when you left me there, I was alone, and now, look, I'm no longer alone.

RORY

Taylor found you?

LORELAI

Yes, and we've since embarked on hour one hundred millionth of planning the special Doose reunion.

RORY

I'm coming back over there right now.

LORELAI

Yes, and then you are going to get very sick and be unable to feed yourself so that Mommy will need to take you home and stay by your side until the Doose reunion is over.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Okay. Say goodbye to Jess.

RORY

Bye Jess.

JESS

I'll call you later.

LORELAI

Oh, limp a little if you can.

RORY

Uh, what malady do I have that makes me limp and lose ability to feed myself?

LORELAI

It's French.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Taylor, listen, we're gonna need to finish this up a little later. Rory's not feeling so good.

TAYLOR

Oh no, what's the matter?

RORY

It's French.

TAYLOR

All right. Well, I think we're just about done here anyhow. Oh, before I forget, let me give you each one of these. [hands them each a button]

RORY

[reads button] "Stars Hollow Hockey, 2003 semifinalists. Go Minutemen. The future is yours. Bring this button to Doose's for fifty percent off your next purchase of Stove Top Stuffing." Wow, that's a lot of words for a tiny button.

TAYLOR

I expect to see both of you wearing them at the game tomorrow night.

LORELAI

Well, we'll try to make it.

TAYLOR

Try to make it? My dear, do you realize that this is the first time we've been in the regional semifinals in forty-three years?

RORY

But didn't we only make it this far because the Litchfield team got food poisoning?

TAYLOR

Well, I admit it's not exactly the plot of Hoosiers, but still it's very, very exciting.

LORELAI

Well, it's nice that you and your family are so loyal to the home team.

TAYLOR

Oh, the Dooses have been the backbone of Stars Hollow High hockey for years. I, myself, was the goalkeeper for our team in the last regional finals.

LORELAI

I did not know that.

TAYLOR

Oh yes. I was responsible for the game-winning goal.

LUKE

So the puck just ricocheted off your head and into the net?

TAYLOR

Still counted.

LUKE

For God's sake, I was making a joke. You really got pucked in the head?

TAYLOR

No, I was making a joke, too. Uh, Lorelai, just one more –

TAYLOR

What a disgrace, making that poor sick girl run.

LUKE

Wow, you can see the dent.

RICHARD

So, Rory, how are things at Chilton?

RORY

Great, great, everything's great.

RICHARD

And, uh, Lorelai, things at the inn are good?

LORELAI

Mm, mmhmm, hm.

RICHARD

Oh, Rory, please slow down and chew your food properly.

LORELAI

I'm always telling her that. Pass the butter.

RORY

Pass the peas.

LORELAI

Pass the pork.

RORY

Pass your plate.

RICHARD

I'm sorry, is there a race going on I don't know about?

EMILY

That was your mother, Richard. She just wanted to make sure that all our towels are Egyptian cotton.

RICHARD

Well, it's a simple question.

EMILY

It's her fortieth simple question of the day.

RICHARD

Well, she's going to be staying with us, Emily. She just wants to know she'll be comfortable.

EMILY

Yes, because we usually give our guests the towels we've stolen from the Holiday Inn.

RORY

Great Grandma's coming to stay with you?

RICHARD

Just for a few days, um, while her floors are being redone.

LORELAI

So, how's Gran doing?

RORY

Yeah, does she miss London?

EMILY

Not half as much as I do.

RICHARD

Emily.

EMILY

I never really truly appreciated the Atlantic Ocean before. Three thousand lovely miles of water.

RICHARD

You are talking about my mother.

EMILY

I know that, Richard. And I'm happy to have her stay here, but must she keep interrupting the one dinner a week that we have with Lorelai and Rory? She knows what time we dine – and why are you two eating so quickly?

LORELAI

We're not eating quickly.

RORY

Yeah, you've been on the phone for awhile. It probably just seems like we've eaten a lot.

EMILY

I wonder who that could be.

RICHARD

Emily.

EMILY

Well, aren't we popular? Richard, perhaps you could get that while I have another bath sheet versus bath towel debate with your mother.

LORELAI

You're giving it away!

RORY

What?

LORELAI

You're eating too quickly.

RORY

What? You said that we had to be out of here by 8:30.

LORELAI

Yeah, but I didn't tell you to broadcast it.

RORY

I'm eating at the same speed you are.

LORELAI

But you're eating small bites very fast. You've gotta eat bigger bites at a normal speed.

RORY

You mean I should risk choking so we can make our Friday night plans?

LORELAI

Exactly.

RICHARD

I apologize for that.

LORELAI

Collection agency again?

RICHARD

Excuse me?

EMILY

Thank goodness she called. Richard, did you know people actually expect there to be soap in their bathrooms when they...

EMILY

Why are there strange men hauling a mattress up my staircase?

RICHARD

Well, now, Emily –

EMILY

She sent her own mattress?

RICHARD

Well, she has a very sensitive back.

EMILY

She sent her own mattress?

RICHARD

I'll go and supervise. [leaves room]

LORELAI

Well, Mom, it looks like you got a lot going on here.

RORY

With the mattresses and the phone calls.

LORELAI

Yeah, so we're just gonna go and get out of your hair.

EMILY

Hold it right there. What is going on with you two?

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

EMILY

You know exactly what I'm talking about. Bolting down your food, leaving before dessert, Rory checking her pager every five minutes. What do you have planned? Fine, we'll just sit here until one of you feels like filling me in.

LORELAI

She has a date!

RORY

So does she!

LORELAI

Yeah, but hers starts a half-hour earlier than mine!

RORY

Because you get to stay out later!

LORELAI

Because I'm the mom!

EMILY

You two, stop it right now! You're behaving like children.

LORELAI

Sorry.

RORY

Yeah, sorry.

EMILY

Our deal is for Friday night dinners, not appearances at Friday night dinners. Now, you will sit there and you will eat your dessert.

LORELAI

But –

EMILY

One more word and I throw in a game of charades.

RORY

Yes, ma'am.

LORELAI

Yes, Mom.

LORELAI

Oh, we gotta get a faster car!

RORY

Hey, don't blame the car.

LORELAI

So you're saying it's my fault we're late?

RORY

Who was the one who said, "Hey, I've got room for another piece of pie."

LORELAI

Ah! You kept making all that pointless conversation, all those thank you's and please's. What, are you running for Miss Congeniality?

RORY

Just get ready.

LORELAI

What time are you meeting Jess?

RORY

I don't know, I'll tell you in a sec. [checks answering machine]

LORELAI

Have you seen my brown boots? I cannot go out without those brown boots. My entire outfit was retrofitted around those practically – Oh! Wait, can you believe it? Hey, they were in my closet. What sort of bizarre accident of fate put them there?

LORELAI

What? He didn't call? Well, maybe it's too early. What time is it?

RORY

9:15.

LORELAI

And when did he say he would call?

RORY

When he got off work.

LORELAI

Which was when?

RORY

It varies.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, I thought you guys had a plan.

RORY

We did.

LORELAI

And the plan was that he calls you whenever because his work time varies?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Good plan. Bay of Pigs, was that yours, too?

RORY

He'll call.

LORELAI

Hey, look, you wanna come out with me and Alex? We might go see a midnight movie if something really bad is playing.

RORY

No, thanks.

LORELAI

Just promise me you won't sit here all night staring at the phone.

RORY

[turns on TV] Happy?

LORELAI

Delirious. Oh, I should not have had that second piece of pie.

RORY

Full?

LORELAI

No, just late.

RORY

Bring me some Milk Duds.

LORELAI

It's a plan!

RORY

Then I spent about forty minutes cleaning out my hard drive. You would not believe the amount of junk that accumulates – old files, things you've downloaded but never opened. It really slows down your CPU.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, I hate a slow CPU.

RORY

Then, all of a sudden, I looked down and I saw all this hair and dust between the keys of my keyboard.

LORELAI

So, naturally, you cleaned your keyboard.

RORY

Yes, and I'll tell you, it was a strangely satisfying experience.

LORELAI

Uh huh. One question. During this time that you watched TV, did homework, proofread articles for The Franklin, organized my sock drawer, returned emails and gave a much needed cleaning to your computer, did it ever occur to you to call him?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Why?

RORY

Because he said he'd call me.

LORELAI

Right. Okay, so then I'm guessing you're not gonna mention anything to him about your extremely productive evening alone when you see him either.

RORY

Why should I?

LORELAI

No reason I can think of.

LORELAI

You know, I almost like it better like this.

RORY

It is more festive.

LORELAI

Good luck tonight!

RORY

Sure, when Dean said he'd call, he always called, but where's the fun in that?

LORELAI

Oh, honey, don't do that.

RORY

Do what?

LORELAI

Compare Dean and Jess, that's not fair. They're different people.

RORY

Clearly. One calls when he says he will and one doesn't.

LORELAI

Okay, for starters, I think you have to realize something – you were really lucky with Dean. He was an exceptional first boyfriend, and you got spoiled. Most of us didn't have first boyfriends like Dean. Most of us had first boyfriends like Brian Hutchins.

RORY

Brian Hutchins?

LORELAI

Seventh grade, I'm sitting in the library, walks up, asks me to go steady. I say yes. He walks away and I don't see him again until the tenth grade when he tries to sell me a dimebag at the Sadies Hawkins Day dance. And he was way overcharging for it, too.

RORY

That's demented.

LORELAI

Well, that's what most of us had to put up with. Where do you think the Susan Faludi's of the world came from?

RORY

So, you're telling me this is just the way it is, and I have to get used to Jess not calling when he says he will?

LORELAI

No, I'm saying you just have to realize that every guy is different. Give Jess a chance to explain before you freeze him out.

RORY

Okay.

RORY

Jess.

JESS

Hey. That table's clean if you want it. [walks away]

LORELAI

Well, I hope that cleared it up for you.

RORY

Not a word. Not even a lame-o apology that is obviously a lie.

LORELAI

Yeah, how dare he not lie to you.

LUKE

Finally, two people who don't give a damn about hockey.

LORELAI

Oh, someone's testy.

LUKE

Well, just look at these dippy people with their buttons and their pennants. You'd think the town had never been in a semi-regional playoff before.

RORY

But hasn't it been like forty years?

LUKE

Yeah, for the hockey team, yeah. But back when I was on the track team, we went to state three times in four years and won it twice. Think they made buttons and put up banners? They couldn't care less.

LORELAI

Well, Luke, that's because track is for dorks.

RORY

Yeah, it's true. I'm sorry.

LUKE

Okay, the conversing part of this morning is now over. What do you want?

LORELAI

Jack omelet, bacon on the side.

RORY

Three blueberry and two lemon poppy seed muffins to go. Lane's band is rehearsing at my house. I wanted to bring them something.

LUKE

You got that, Jess?

JESS

Yup.

LUKE

Be right back.

JESS

Five muffins to go.

RORY

Thank you. I'll see you later. [leaves]

JESS

What was that, you guys in a fight or something?

LORELAI

No, you are.

JESS

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

Last night, didn't you guys have plans to do something?

JESS

I don't know. I just said I'd call her after work.

LORELAI

And did you?

JESS

I had to work another shift, I didn't get off until midnight. It was too late to call.

LORELAI

And you couldn't have taken two seconds at work to call and tell her that?

JESS

No.

LORELAI

Really? You don't get breaks? Do you get food, water? Should I get Michael Moore on the phone?

JESS

Whatever. I gotta unload some boxes. [walks away]

LORELAI

Nice talking to you.

LANE

See, I knew once my mom found out Dave was part of a Christian trio, it was only a matter of time before she booked him to play at one of her prayer meetings.

RORY

It's perfect. Now your mom's gonna get to know the whole band.

LANE

Not just get to know them, but love them the way she loves Dave.

RORY

Your mom loves Dave?

LANE

She said he's a righteous young man who's proven he can be trusted around antique furniture. In her book, that's pretty close to love.

RORY

Oh, sure.

ZACH

[sings] "A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing." Dude, what's a bulwark?

BRIAN

What?

ZACH

It says, a bulwark never failing.

BRIAN

I think it's a wall.

ZACH

Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sounds totally gay.

BRIAN

I don't think you're supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a sin or something.

ZACH

Whatever, man. I'm not saying bulwark.

RORY

So, Dave, Lane just gets to sit back and watch you guys play tonight, huh? You're like a groupie.

DAVE

No, actually, she's got a date.

RORY

What?

LANE

Oh, yeah. Remember Young Chui, the guy my mom introduced me to at the wedding? She arranged for him to take me to the hockey game tonight.

RORY

Oh.

DAVE

It's the first of three dates.

RORY

The first of three?

DAVE

Then he's gonna dump her.

RORY

Young Chui, the guy you haven't gone out with yet?

LANE

Yes. And I'll be crushed, making my mom feel so guilty about setting me up with him that she'll have to let me go out with Dave to make up for it.

DAVE

I came up with that twist.

LANE

Dave has a natural gift for subterfuge.

DAVE

Wow, a compliment from the master. [walks away]

LANE

I would've thought of it myself, but I let him take the credit.

RORY

Men sometimes need that.

ZACH

I'm telling you dude, it doesn't make any sense.

BRIAN

Fine, stop yelling at me. I didn't write it.

DAVE

Whoa, whoa. Uh, what's wrong?

ZACH

This stupid song, man. "For still our ancient foe doth seek to work us woe." I mean, who talks like that, the Pope?

BRIAN

Dude, is any of those lemon poppy seed?

DAVE

Well, can't you update it a little?

ZACH

Sure, man. Just tell me what the hell it means. It's like in Latin or something.

BRIAN

I thought there was gonna be coffee, too.

ZACH

Dude, can you chill out about your freaking elevensees 'til we get this song straightened out?

BRIAN

I'm hypoglycemic. If I don't get something in my system, I'm gonna crash.

DAVE

Is abi-death a word?

RORY

But how are you gonna make Young Chui dump you? Just be a really bad date?

LANE

Oh, no, we've already talked to him. He's totally on board.

RORY

Really?

LANE

Oh, yeah. See, he's in love with this Japanese girl named Karen who his parents don't approve of, so he and Karen see each other secretly while his parents keep setting him up with nice Korean girls. He's the male me.

RORY

Gotcha.

LANE

Hey, you and Jess should come with us to the game tonight. It'll be fun.

RORY

Yeah, I'm not sure what we're doing tonight.

ZACH

[sings] "A mighty fortress is our God, a wall ten stories high. And he helps us when things get bad and the devil tries to hurt us."

RORY

What hymn is that?

LANE

I have no idea.

TAYLOR

If for some reason, you should get separated from the group, you'll find a map on the third page of your welcome packet.

DOUG

Why'd you draw your store so big?

TAYLOR

It just makes it easier to find if you get lost.

DOUG

It's bigger than the school.

MAN 1

And why'd you put all those P's in soda shop? Is that supposed to fancy or something?

MICHEL

You are in room twelve, and your father is –

MAN 2

Are you from France?

MICHEL

Excuse me?

MAN 2

You talk funny. You from France.

MICHEL

Yes. So, as I was saying –

MAN 2

I was in France during the Big One.

MICHEL

Oh, that's nice. So -

MAN 2

Nice? It was a war. What's nice about that?

MICHEL

Of course. So, your father is –

MAN 2

Don't give me that attitude, Frenchy. You'd be speaking German now if it wasn't for me.

LORELAI

Just make sure to have the vans back at 3:45 to take 'em to the game.

TAYLOR

Oh, Lorelai, just a second. I wanted to –

DOUG

Hold on there, what is this?

TAYLOR

That's the itinerary I've worked out for the afternoon. I thought Lorelai could post it in case some of the inn's other guests wanted to join us in our pre-game activities. Oh, Lorelai, this is my older brother Doug. Doug, this is Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hello.

DOUG

Nice to meet you. Taylor, I told you on the phone, no one is gonna wanna do any of this crap. A tour of Stars Hollow? Most of us were born here. What do we need a tour for? Everyone, listen up. We're meeting down here in two hours for the vans to the game. You're late, you're walking. Go back to your store and count peaches or something. I'm taking a nap.

EMILY

Lorelai, hello.

LORELAI

Mom?

EMILY

You remember, I'm so touched.

LORELAI

What are you doing here?

EMILY

Well, I was thinking about possibly having our next DAR luncheon here.

LORELAI

Really?

EMILY

That's right. So I thought I would stop by and make sure the place is as charming as I remember. It is.

LORELAI

Okay, well, what day would you like to have the meeting?

EMILY

The fifteenth.

LORELAI

The fifteenth. Um, well, the fifteenth looks wide open, so you're officially down for the fifteenth.

EMILY

Wonderful.

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

Okay.

LORELAI

So.

EMILY

So, how is Michel?

LORELAI

Michel's fine.

EMILY

Well, good. I'm glad to hear it.

LORELAI

Well, I'm glad to tell it. But Mom, I have this really big family reunion party that invaded the place today, so I should probably get back to work.

EMILY

Oh, yes, you go right ahead. Do not let me keep you.

LORELAI

Okay. Mom?

EMILY

I'm not allowed to go home.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

She's banished me from my own house

LORELAI

Gran?

EMILY

She's gone mad. This morning she announces that she's hosting a meeting of her bitter old biddies club at our house tonight and she needs the entire day to prepare because the house is in such a shambles.

LORELAI

Nice, subtle.

EMILY

Then I was handed a list of chores and asked not to come home until at least six o'clock because I would simply be in the way.

LORELAI

Mom, she's only staying with you for a few days.

EMILY

I have to buy her flowers. She doesn't like mine, they're too tall. It's ostentatious to have flowers that tall.

LORELAI

Actually, I've been meaning to mention that to you myself.

EMILY

I have to get new guest towels. I have to get new highball glasses. I have to get four very specific types of cheese. And I have to get a slide projector because they're going to view slides of potential acquisitions for the museum that they're on the board of.

LORELAI

Okay, Mom –

EMILY

Of course, I haven't the faintest idea of where to find a slide projector. I feel like I'm going insane.

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

I'm sorry. I think I'm just a little sensitive right now. It's selfish, I know, but Richard's traveling more than he ever did. He's been gone three of the last four weeks, and now he's finally home, and she's there commanding all of his attention, all of his time. I sound like a spoiled high school girl.

LORELAI

Not quite. You still haven't asked for the Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and the convertible Rabbit.

EMILY

Oh, never mind. I'm sorry I kept you from your work.

LORELAI

Mom, listen, I have a slide projector. I'd be happy to bring it over tonight.

EMILY

Oh, I really appreciate this, Lorelai. I mean it, I couldn't be more grateful.

LORELAI

Hold on.

EMILY

Where are you going?

LORELAI

I wanna get a tape recorder. I want that last thing on tape.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Just remember what you said.

MRS. KIM

You have everything you need – water, extension cords?

DAVE

Yes, ma'am, I think we're good.

MRS. KIM

Where's your tambourine?

DAVE

We don't have one.

MRS. KIM

Next time bring one.

ZACH

Dude, remember the drill instructor in Full Metal Jacket?

BRIAN

Totally.

YOUNG CHUI

Good evening.

MRS. KIM

Ah, Young Chui, come in. Lane, look, Young Chui is here.

LANE

Hi.

YOUNG CHUI

Hi. These are for you. [hands her a bouquet of flowers]

LANE

Thank you, they're beautiful. Isn't that nice of him, Mama?

MRS. KIM

Yes, very thoughtful. Stand together now. Don't smile. [takes picture] Very nice. That one's for the grandchildren.

LANE

Well, we better go. We don't wanna be late for the game.

MRS. KIM

I will put these in a vase for you for your bedside table. Now, go have fun.

LANE

We'll be home by nine.

MRS. KIM

Ah, yes, whatever. Go, go.

SOOKIE

Oh, thank goodness you haven't left.

LORELAI

Why, what's up?

SOOKIE

Emily called and asked if you can bring some serving dishes. Apparently, hers are tacky.

LORELAI

My, Gran is a relentless old broad, isn't she?

SOOKIE

You want them where?

LORELAI

Just on the counter's fine. Thanks, hon.

RORY

Hello?

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

Mom?

LORELAI

What are you doing there?

RORY

What do you mean, what am I doing here? I live here, remember? Who were you expecting to find?

LORELAI

No one. I was calling to check messages and see if Mom called.

RORY

Well, she hasn't. No one has. In fact, this is the first time the phone's rung all day.

LORELAI

Ah.

RORY

What, ah?

LORELAI

Okay, get out.

RORY

Excuse me?

LORELAI

Out of the house, get out of the house.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Why? Look at the clock, what does it say?

RORY

It says six.

LORELAI

So, it is six on a Saturday night, which means you have now spent a day and a night waiting for him to call.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

Well, that's not good, kid. Look, let's say he does call. You can't be the kind of girl that gets all mad in her head and then forgets everything once he deigns to show up, right?

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Okay, so don't just sit there waiting. Go out, do something.

RORY

Like what?

LORELAI

I don't know. What's Lane doing tonight?

RORY

She's going to the hockey game with her fake boyfriend.

LORELAI

Perfect.

RORY

Perfect? It's a hockey game.

LORELAI

It'll be fun. There'll be cheerleaders and clowns, people doing the wave.

RORY

You have no idea what a hockey game is, do you?

LORELAI

It doesn't matter. Put on a jacket and get outta there, and if he calls...

RORY

Who cares!

LORELAI

That's my girl.

RORY

Thanks, Mom.

EMILY

Oh my.

BABETTE/MISS PATTY

[singing]...And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. Oh say, does that star spangled banner yet wave, o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

RORY

Hey.

LANE

Rory.

RORY

It's cold in here.

LANE

It's the ice.

RORY

Oh my God, there really is ice. Cool.

LANE

What are you doing here?

RORY

I'm hockeying.

LANE

That's not a word.

RORY

Where is everybody?

LANE

There was a monster truck show in Woodbury tonight, pulls a lot of the same demographic. Sit. Where's Jess?

RORY

Don't know, don't care.

LANE

Really?

RORY

I'm a free woman tonight.

LANE

Is everything okay?

RORY

Everything's fine.

LANE

You sure?

RORY

Absolutely. I just wanted to see some good hockey playing.

LANE

Uh huh.

RORY

Really. Is that Young Chui?

LANE

You mean the guy with the cell phone stapled to his ear – yeah, that's him.

RORY

He looks kind of serious.

LANE

He's talking to Karen.

RORY

His real girlfriend?

LANE

I think she's not quite as cool as Dave is about the whole fake dating thing. She needs reassurance.

RORY

Well, Dave is pretty cool.

LANE

The coolest, isn't it? I mean, besides Jess.

RORY

Right.

LANE

Right.

KIRK

People of Stars Hollow, are you ready to rumble? Then let's get it on.

KIRK

And the puck is down as the first quarter begins. Period, sorry. First period begins, my bad.

RORY

So, this is sports.

ZACH

[singing] I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see.

WHOLE BAND

[singing] Amen.

MRS. KIM

Very nice. You may now take a fifteen-minute break while we finish our tea. Also, good time to retune.

BRIAN

Was she looking at me?

ZACH

She wasn't looking at me, dude.

DAVE

Hey, I'm gonna, uh, go outside and get some air, okay?

ZACH

Uh, sure.

DAVE

Okay, be right back.

LANE

[on cell phone] Believe me, I am not interested in Young Chui in that way. He's cute and all, but I've got a guy. No, no, when I say he's cute, I just mean he's your boyfriend and you've got good taste, that's all. Hey, Koreans do not have problems! [hands phone to Young Chui] You talk to her, I'm done.

YOUNG CHUI

[on phone] Karen? [walks away]

RORY

That went well.

LINDSAY

Oh.

RORY

Hey Lindsay, how are you?

LANE

Hi Lindsay.

LINDSAY

Hi. I'm good, thanks. Um, how are you?

RORY

Good. You know, just enjoying my first hockey game. It seems there's a lot of bashing of people into walls, which is always good fun in my book.

LINDSAY

Oh, absolutely. I'm all for more bashing.

RORY

You know, I don't think we've seen each other since I left Stars Hollow High. What have you been up to?

LINDSAY

Oh, you know, nothing really. The usual, school.

RORY

Right, sure.

LANE

School. Me too, but you know that since we go to school together.

LINDSAY

Well, I should be getting back. Um, it was good seeing you again.

RORY

You, too.

LANE

Bye.

RORY

Okay, so that was weird, right?

LANE

Oh, yeah, really weird.

RORY

But I didn't do anything, did I?

LANE

You mean like ask her how she was? Yeah, you probably made an enemy for life.

RORY

Maybe she's angry because I didn't keep in touch after I left, but we weren't that good of friends.

LANE

Maybe, or it could be that Chilton thing.

RORY

What Chilton thing?

LANE

Well, you know how some people think because you went to Chilton, you're a snob and think you're better than everyone else.

RORY

What? Who thinks that?

LANE

Well, you know, like uh, Julie Lersten, Kristin Keiffer, Jill Allen. Haven't we talked about this?

RORY

No.

DAVE

Hey.

LANE

Dave.

DAVE

Hey Rory.

RORY

Hey.

DAVE

So, where's, uh, where's Young Chui?

LANE

Talking to Karen.

DAVE

Who?

RORY

His girlfriend.

DAVE

Oh, right. That's cool, okay. Well, how's the game?

LANE

The other team's winning.

RORY

But our fans have the best insults. At least, Babette does.

DAVE

Well, that's really what counts in the end.

LANE

So, what are you doing here? Did you finish already?

DAVE

Oh, no. You're mom gave us a fifteen minute break. I just thought I'd swing by.

LANE

But it's more than a mile away.

DAVE

Yeah, I better get back. I'll see you later.

LANE

Bye.

RORY

Well, well, well. If I didn't know better, I'd say someone isn't quite as cool as we thought he was.

LANE

What do you mean? He's jealous. Oh my God, he's jealous, that's so great.

RORY

You've worked your womanly wiles on him, Lane Kim.

LANE

I've never made a guy jealous before. I feel so powerful.

RORY

Just remember, there's cute jealous and there's Othello.

LANE

Good point.

RORY

So, who else thinks I'm a snob?

LORELAI

Jess.

JESS

Hey, is Rory here?

LORELAI

Are you serious?

JESS

Yeah, I'm serious.

LORELAI

No, I'm serious. Are you serious?

JESS

Why do you keep asking me if I'm serious?

LORELAI

Because I'm just trying to imagine the scenario here. You looked at the clock that said it was 7:30 on a Saturday night and you thought to yourself, "Hey, Rory must be home."

JESS

Yes.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, are you serious?

JESS

Okay, I'm guessing that's your way of telling me she's not home.

LORELAI

No, Jess, she's not home.

JESS

Do you know where she is?

LORELAI

She's at the hockey game.

JESS

Hey, look, you don't wanna tell me where she is, fine.

LORELAI

Jess, she really is at the hockey game. You'd know that if you'd – what, ladies and gentlemen? That's right – bothered to call.

JESS

Why are you hassling me?

LORELAI

Well, mostly because I'm here to hassle you. Now, if you'd bothered calling, maybe Rory would be here to hassle you.

JESS

Hey, Rory knows I'm not the kind of guy who lives by a schedule.

LORELAI

Yes, and look what the guy who doesn't live by a schedule ends up doing on a Saturday night – talking to his girlfriend's mother.

JESS

Whatever.

LORELAI

Hey, Jess. You like music, right? The Beach Boys said it best. None of the guys go steady 'cause it wouldn't be right to leave their best girls home on a Saturday night. Rory is one of the best girls. She's the best girl, if you want my opinion, and you don't seem to have the first idea as to how she should be treated.

JESS

Well, luckily I've got you to tell me.

LORELAI

Not anymore. You and I have discussed your relationship with Rory long enough.

JESS

Fine.

LORELAI

I'll tell her you stopped by.

JESS

Don't bother. [leaves]

LORELAI

Brian Hutchins is looking pretty good right about now.

RORY

If I had known sports were so much about eating, I would've come to a lot more of these.

LANE

I know. There's something deeply satisfying about watching other people exercise while eating junk food.

KIRK

Ten minutes 'til the next period, ladies and gentlemen. That's what we call them in hockey – periods, not halves. Let's try to keep that straight. Also, the puck is never referred to as a ball, not according to the book. Again, my bad.

LANE

I guess it wasn't the Chilton thing after all.

KIRK

Number twelve has it now. He's skating, he's skating. My bet is he's going to try to whack it into that net thingy, but that's conjecture at this point. Now it's going the other way and they're hitting it between them. Number seven has it. Now number three. Now seven. Three again. Seven. Ten's got it now.

DEAN

Kirk, just to let you know, some of the guys – not me, you know – but some of the guys say they're gonna rip your head off if you don't shut up, okay?

KIRK

We'll be pausing for a short break.

CROWD

[cheers] We've got spirit, yes we do! We've got spirit, how about you?

LANE

You sure you're okay?

RORY

Will you stop asking me that every five seconds? I'm fine. I mean, it had to happen sometime. I didn't expect him to just sit around pining for me. Okay, a little, but she's really nice, right?

LANE

This is all my fault.

RORY

Lane.

LANE

I let you down. I'm supposed to be your eyes and ears in that school, and here's the biggest piece of news all year and I had no idea.

RORY

It's okay.

LANE

No, it's not. This is an intelligence gaffe of monumental proportions. What was I doing that I didn't notice this?

RORY

Studying, taking classes.

LANE

Well, no more.

RORY

Lane, it's not a big deal, really. And now I know, so, case closed.

LANE

You're sure?

RORY

Positive. Let's just enjoy the game.

PLAYER

No way!

KIRK

Excuse me, will you tell me what happened? Excuse me, number fourteen? Number fourteen, could you come back here?

LORELAI

Hi. Just came to drop off some things.

MAID

Oh, I can take those.

LORELAI

Oh, great, thanks. [hands them to her] Careful, it's heavy.

MAID

Everyone's in the living room if you wanna go in.

LORELAI

Uh, if I wanna go in, if I wanna go in. Well, you pose a very deep and philosophical question there, but I think I'll just –

EMILY

Lorelai. I thought I heard your voice.

LORELAI

Yes, I brought the slide machine and the platters and the punch bowl.

EMILY

Wonderful. Come in and meet everyone, won't you?

LORELAI

I was just gonna do that.

MRS. VAN WYCK

It's obscene.

TRIX

It's Picasso.

MRS. VAN WYCK

Then Picasso is obscene.

TRIX

Oh, Isabelle.

MRS. VAN WYCK

It has six breasts.

TRIX

You cannot be sure if those are breasts. They could be canons. He was quite obsessed with the Spanish Civil War for awhile.

EMILY

Ladies, look who's here.

TRIX

Lorelai, wonderful. We all need a break for a moment. Come meet my friends. Emily, we were waiting for iced tea or am I imagining things?

EMILY

It's on its way, Mom.

TRIX

So is death. Lorelai, this is Mrs. Van Wyck, Mrs. Deerborne, Mrs. Rutherman. This is my granddaughter, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Nice to meet you all.

TRIX

Well, come, sit.

LORELAI

Oh, I don't want to interrupt anything.

TRIX

You're interrupting nothing but thirst, my dear. Now, talk to some old women, tell us what it's like to be young.

LORELAI

Not nearly as much fun since the mandatory sunscreen rule, I'll tell ya.

EMILY

Here we go, iced tea and sandwiches.

TRIX

[picks up a glass] Too warm. Do you know that Lorelai's daughter is graduating from Chilton in June?

EMILY

[sings] Love in the afternoon...

TRIX

She is an excellent student and may...

EMILY

La, la, la, la, la...

TRIX

Emily, what are you doing?

EMILY

I'm sorry?

TRIX

Why are you singing like that?

EMILY

Was I signing? I didn't realize. Here's your tea, Mom. I certainly hope it's cold enough.

LORELAI

Um, I brought the slide projector over. Would you like me to set it up?

TRIX

That would be fine. We can start watching now since I do not anticipate dinner being served anywhere near the time I requested.

EMILY

[sings] Our hearts are filled with joy...

TRIX

Emily you're doing it again.

EMILY

I was?

TRIX

Yes, you were.

EMILY

Huh. You know, it's because I caught some of "Love in the Afternoon" the other day, the movie. Have you seen it, Mom?

TRIX

I don't believe I have.

EMILY

Oh, well, it's wonderful. And a wonderful concept, too, don't you think? Anyway, I must have the music stuck in my head. That must be why I'm singing it. I mean, what else could it be, hm?

LORELAI

Hey, Mom, how 'bout we go get some of that cheese you bought for the ladies, huh? I'll help you. Come on. We'll be right back.

LORELAI

Okay, what is going on?

EMILY

I saw her kissing a man.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

When I came home today, I walked in and I saw her standing in the living room kissing a man.

LORELAI

Gran?

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

My Gran?

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

My Gran was kissing a man?

EMILY

In a purple velour jogging suit.

LORELAI

Gran was in a purple velour jogging suit?

EMILY

No, the man was wearing a purple jogging suit.

LORELAI

And you're sure they were kissing?

EMILY

One hundred percent sure.

LORELAI

My God. Was he hot?

EMILY

Excuse me?

LORELAI

Well, I don't know what you're supposed to ask when you hear your grandmother's been making out with a guy.

EMILY

I don't know if he was hot. Your grandmother sucking face was blocking my view.

LORELAI

What'd she do? Did she see you?

EMILY

No. After my heart started back up again, I went outside and hid in the bushes until he left.

LORELAI

Okay, now I have two really good visuals fighting for top billing here.

EMILY

Do you realize how wonderful this is?

LORELAI

Yeah, I guess it's wonderful, Gran has a guy.

EMILY

No, what's wonderful is after all these years of her abuse, her condescension, her insults and her degrading comments, after all these years of pure unadulterated hell, I finally have something to hold over her.

LORELAI

Oh, Mom.

EMILY

Finally, I have the upper hand. Finally, I have something to nail her with. Finally, that woman is going down.

LORELAI

You cannot use this against Gran.

EMILY

Yes, I can, I've earned it.

LORELAI

Mom, I know Gran gives you a hard time, but she did not tell anyone about this guy for a reason.

EMILY

Yes, because she's embarrassed. She should be. He was dressed like a bookie.

LORELAI

You have to be above this.

EMILY

No, I don't have to be above this.

LORELAI

You're seriously telling me that you're gonna be the one to go out there and humiliate Gran in front of her friends, in front of her family. Just think about it, Mom. What would Miss Manners do?

EMILY

It's not fair.

LORELAI

Gran will be back in her own house soon.

EMILY

I know, you're right.

LORELAI

Just hang on 'til then.

EMILY

All right, let's go back in there and get this evening over with.

LORELAI

You're a stand up lady, Emily Gilmore, you know that?

EMILY

Oh really? Well, that makes me feel so much better.

MRS. VAN WYCK

And is this normal, Richard, to be getting home from work so late?

RICHARD

Oh, that's one of the pitfalls of starting your own business, I'm afraid.

TRIX

You should say, of starting a successful business, Richard.

RICHARD

Successful so far, Trix. Let's not jinx it.

TRIX

Though, perhaps if Emily could have the meal served on time, Richard would have more inducement to get home at a reasonable hour.

EMILY

I saw her kissing a man in a track suit!

RICHARD

What?

TRIX

Emily!

KIRK

Well, ladies and gentlemen, much like the Israelites of Yore, the Stars Hollow Minutemen languished in the desert for forty years. But tonight, there was no Promised Land, no New Canaan, only a humiliating five to one defeat at the merciless hands of the West Hartford Wildcats. So it's back to the desert for the Minutemen, perhaps for another forty years. Of course, by then, I'll be seventy years old. A lot of the rest of you will probably be dead. Taylor, you'll be dead. Babette, Miss Patty... that man there in the hat.

LANE

Hey, if we run, we might be able to catch the last few minutes of the band.

RORY

Yeah, I don't think the pint of liquid cheese in my stomach is going to allow for much running.

LANE

I'll call you tomorrow.

RORY

Definitely. Have fun.

YOUNG CHUI

Bye.

RORY

Bye.

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

Dean. Hey, how are you? Oh, God, that's a stupid question to ask someone who just lost the regional semi-finals, isn't it? And now it sounds like I'm rubbing your face in it.

DEAN

Don't worry about it. They were better than us, they deserved to win.

RORY

And hey, at least you got a point. That's good, right? I mean, better than not getting any. Geez, I really suck at this post-sports talk.

DEAN

Well, you haven't had much practice.

RORY

True. But who knows, I might be a sports convert. I mean, the eating of massive amounts of junk food, and listening to Kirk make a fool of himself in front of a bunch of people – all things I enjoy.

DEAN

In fact, you could almost get rid of the sports part of it.

RORY

That's what I was going to say. So, I ran into Lindsay.

DEAN

Yeah, I hadn't quite figured out how to tell you that.

RORY

Well, I think it's great.

DEAN

You do?

RORY

Absolutely. I mean, she's cute and smart and really nice.

DEAN

I know.

RORY

Like once, in fourth grade, we went on a field trip to Mark Twain's house, and I really wanted this refrigerator magnet in the shape of Mark Twain's head, but I didn't have any money, so she bought it for me, and she wouldn't even let me pay her back. Pretty classy for a fourth grader.

DEAN

That sounds like Lindsay.

RORY

Exactly. So, good job, mister.

DEAN

Thanks. So, how are things with Jess?

RORY

Oh, good, good.

DEAN

He's not with you?

RORY

No. This really isn't his kind of thing.

DEAN

Yeah. Well, uh, I'd better go. I gotta change and then Lindsay and I are going out.

RORY

Right. Sure. Have fun.

LUKE

[on answering machine] You've reached Luke Danes and Jess Mariano, leave a message.

RORY

It's me. I just wanted to let you know that this is the last weekend I spend sitting around like an idiot hoping you'll call, okay? I'm not going to be that girl. From now on, I want a plan. I mean, a real plan with a time and a place, and I'm tired of hearing 'Let's hook up later.' What does that mean anyway? What's later? How do I set my watch to later? Later doesn't cut it anymore, got it? And, yeah, you know, maybe I am spoiled. But guess what? I like being spoiled. I plan to go on being spoiled. And if that doesn't sound like something that you can or want to do, then fine. I'm sure you'll find another girl who doesn't mind sitting around cleaning her keyboard on a Friday night hoping you'll call, but it's not going to be me. Oh, yeah, this is a message for Jess.

JESS

Hey. Figured I'd find you here. I mean, you say the word hockey, you say the word Rory, right?

RORY

What are you doing here?

JESS

Came to give you these.

RORY

Earplugs. What are these for?

JESS

I got tickets to the Distillers.

RORY

You did? For when?

JESS

For tonight.

RORY

Tonight? But –

JESS

I would've been here sooner, but I had to wait in line. So we should probably get going. I mean, we don't wanna miss anything, right?

RORY

Hey, Jess?

JESS

Yeah?

RORY

When you get home, could you erase your answering machine without listening to any of the messages? That'd be great, thanks.

GRAN

Come in.

EMILY

I brought you some aspirin. It's the buffered kind that you like. Is there anything else that you need?

GRAN

No, thank you.

EMILY

Mom, I want to apologize for what I said downstairs. I had no right to humiliate you like that, in front of your friends, in front of Richard. This relationship was something you had chosen to keep private and I should have respected that. I am truly sorry. He seemed like a very nice man. Why didn't you tell anyone about him?

GRAN

I married once, I married Richard's father. That was my husband. I have no desire to marry again and dishonor his memory.

EMILY

I understand.

GRAN

I believe a woman marries for life. If, after your husband is gone, you desperately desire some sort of permanent attachment, add an addition onto the house – a library or a solarium. I have a library and a solarium.

EMILY

Yes, you do.

GRAN

However, in spite of all this, I found myself getting lonely. And I don't care for being lonely, it's quite annoying. So many years ago, I met a man, and he became my companion. Tonight, both he and I were both publicly humiliated and our relationship altered forever. Can you imagine how that feels?

EMILY

Actually, I've had a little experience with being humiliated in front of the people I love, yes. Mom, please believe me, I know how important your pride is to you, and I never had any intention of robbing you of it. I feel terrible that I caused you any pain. I just wish that once in awhile, you might feel a little bit terrible that you cause me pain. I have pride, too, you know. And my husband travels and is very busy and I miss him and I'm lonely sometimes, just like you.

GRAN

Well.

LORELAI

So that was quite a gathering.

RICHARD

Yes, it was.

LORELAI

It would make a great Christmas story. I mean, I know it didn't happen at Christmas, but it's the kind of thing that would happen at Christmas, so it's not like if you told someone it did happen at Christmas, they'd go, 'Really? 'Cause it doesn't sound like a Christmas story.' Thanksgiving would probably work also. Listen, Dad, I know you're a little upset with Mom right now, and I'm probably out of line in saying this, but you might wanna think about cutting her some slack. She's really missed you lately. I mean, you work so much and then you're helping Gran in your free time, which is totally understandable, but still, it's hard. As much as Gran likes you, she tends to be a littler rough on Mom, and I think Mom just kind of snapped. She'd never do anything like that intentionally. You do know that, Dad, right?

LORELAI

Dad? Okay, apparently it's two-for-one flip out night at the Gilmore house.

RICHARD

Do you really think he was wearing a track suit?

LORELAI

I don't...

RICHARD

Well, I wonder if he was wearing Nike's also.

LORELAI

Just Do It takes on a whole new meaning, doesn't it?

RICHARD

I guess I've got a new daddy.

LORELAI

Maybe he'll take you to ball games.

RICHARD

Oh, we could get matching jogging suits. Oh, if only I could've seen Emily hiding in the bushes. It's like a play by Moliere.

EMILY

What are you two cackling about?

RICHARD

Oh, nothing.

LORELAI

Yeah, nothing.

EMILY

Well, don't stop on my account. I'm just passing through.

RICHARD

Where are you going?

EMILY

We're going to have tea.

LORELAI

They're going to have tea?

RICHARD

That's a first.

LORELAI

Maybe they're going to be pals now.

RICHARD

I don't know how I feel about my mother and my wife being in cahoots.

LORELAI

I don't know how I feel about you saying the word cahoots.

RICHARD

Well, this alliance could make things very uncomfortable for me.

EMILY

Sending a maid down to tell me how to make tea, as if I don't know after all these years. Guess she'll have a coronary if the water hits the cup one second before the bag.

LORELAI

I think you're safe.

RICHARD

I think so, too.

LORELAI

Hey, how was the game?

RORY

Fun, we got clobbered.

LORELAI

Oh. If you'd won, you could've rioted through town trashing storefronts and torching police cars like they do in L.A.

RORY

Maybe next year.

LORELAI

What'd you do after?

RORY

Oh, you know, just hung out.

LORELAI

With Lane and her fake boyfriend?

RORY

Uh huh. I thought you were eating at Grandma's.

LORELAI

Oh, yes, and there's a story behind that.

RORY

Can it wait 'til tomorrow? I'm really exhausted.

LORELAI

It's a good story.

RORY

I'm sure. I just won't be able to fully appreciate it in my weakened state. And this gives you extra time to practice your voices.

LORELAI

Fine, fine. Let me just say two words – jogging suit.

RORY

Jogging suit.

LORELAI

See, you're hooked.

RORY

Yeah, well, now I'm definitely waking up tomorrow.

LORELAI

Night honey.

RORY

Night Mom.