T3E16: “The Big One”

LORELAI

Mail!

RORY

Mail!

LORELAI

Hurry up! Where are your shoes?

RORY

I'll get 'em later.

LORELAI

No, get 'em now.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Why? Because if your Harvard acceptance letter is in that batch of mail and you do not have shoes on, we can't run off immediately and celebrate. All of our happiness will be on hold until you come back inside and put on your shoes. Is that what you want to put a hold on happiness?

RORY

What's the difference if we wait then or we wait now?

LORELAI

Because we are not happy now.

RORY

Right, okay. [runs to her bedroom]

LORELAI

No laces, just get 'em on your feet.

RORY

[runs back with shoes on] Let's go!

LORELAI

Kirk!

RORY

Kirk!

KIRK

Good morning, ladies.

LORELAI

Is there an envelope in there?

RORY

A big envelope, not a little envelope.

LORELAI

Yeah, a big envelope means she's in, a little envelope means she needs to marry rich.

KIRK

Just one second, please.

RORY

Aren't you supposed to go through the mail before you get here?

KIRK

Some work that way. Personally, I think it takes the spontaneity out of the job.

LORELAI

Need some help?

KIRK

Sorry, federal law prohibits it.

RORY

Any chance you could go faster?

LORELAI

Yeah, you got a girl's future in that sack of yours, Santa.

RORY

Thank you for adding the Santa.

LORELAI

Any time.

KIRK

You know what I've noticed?

LORELAI

It wouldn't be any mail in there with our names on it, would it?

KIRK

I've noticed people don't slow down anymore.

RORY

Guess I've got time to tie my shoes.

LORELAI

Yes, well, cobble yourself a new pair Daniel Day Lewis.

KIRK

No one stops to smell a nice flower or look at a puppy.

LORELAI

You're absolutely right.

KIRK

No one stops to ask how you're doing... is your family well, did you see that game last night?

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah, people suck. Is that ours?

KIRK

What? Oh. [checks envelope] Mrs. Rita Flora. Nope.

RORY

Rats.

LORELAI

It could still be in there.

KIRK

Rita Flora – didn't she die?

LORELAI

While you were delivering her mail?

KIRK

She did die. She died last week.

LORELAI

Kirk.

KIRK

They're supposed to put your mail on hold when you die.

LORELAI

Okay, let's go back inside.

RORY

What about the envelope?

LORELAI

We'll check back on our way to Luke's... for dinner.

KIRK

[pulls out another envelope] Hey, one for Kirk.

LANE

It's getting frustrating. I mean, there's so many great songs that have been written post-Cobain, but try and convince Zach of that. I mean, he's impossible, stubborn, and just a tad intellectually challenged, in case you haven't noticed.

LORELAI

Lane, honey?

LANE

Yeah?

LORELAI

Just, could you, with the sticks there, I can't...

LANE

Oh, sorry. Nervous habit.

RORY

Mom's a little crabby this morning.

LORELAI

I'm not crabby, I'm very, very ill.

RORY

With allergies.

LORELAI

Deadly allergies.

RORY

Sorry, didn't mean to minimize your condition. Should we make funeral arrangements now?

LORELAI

Yes. [pulls some medicine out of her purse] But make sure you can get your money back in case this stuff works.

RORY

Where did you get those?

LORELAI

Found 'em in your room.

RORY

These expired in '98.

LORELAI

So, what, I should take four?

RORY

Yes, that's exactly my point.

LUKE

Here.

RORY

New menus.

LANE

Very fancy.

LORELAI

Why'd you get new menus?

LUKE

It was time.

LORELAI

But I had made little doodles with my name hidden in them on each one of the old ones just like Hirschfeld.

LUKE

Sorry.

LORELAI

It took me years to hit every menu. And these have super heavy plastic over them. How am I gonna doodle?

LUKE

Has it ever occurred to you that the super heavy plastic is there to discourage the doodling?

RORY

Hey, this looks different.

LUKE

It's not different.

LANE

It's totally different.

LUKE

It's not that different.

LORELAI

There are more salads.

RORY

Three more salads.

LORELAI

Three more salads – who needs three more salads?

RORY

One was enough.

LUKE

Well, Nicole said –

LORELAI

Nicole said.

LUKE

There wasn't really that much for her to eat on the menu, so I just...

LORELAI

Oh, you added three more salads just for Nicole. When I asked you to add chili-topped Pringles, you said no.

LUKE

And I stand by that.

LORELAI

How come Nicole gets three salads and I still get a no?

RORY

Because Nicole is his girlfriend.

LUKE

Nicole is not my girlfriend, Nicole is the woman that I am dating, that's it.

LORELAI

So what happens when you guys get serious, the whole place goes soy?

LUKE

Just order, please.

LANE

Did you take off the Monte Cristo sandwich?

LUKE

Well, I –

RORY

No!

LORELAI

You did, you took off the Monte Cristo sandwich.

LUKE

I omitted a few obsolete dishes.

LORELAI

I can't believe Nicole made you take off the Monte Cristo. She's got you menu-whipped.

LUKE

She does not have me menu-whipped. I took off a disgusting ridiculous sandwich that no one has ever ordered, including the three of you.

RORY

But just having it there made us feel like we always could.

LORELAI

It was comforting.

RORY

Like soup.

LORELAI

Exactly. It was comforting like deep-fried ham and cheese soup.

RORY

And even though I never ordered it, I talked about ordering it, haven't I?

LANE

On several occasions.

LORELAI

So you've not only eliminated a sandwich, you've eliminated a conversation piece.

RORY

Now what will we talk about?

LUKE

Fine.

LUKE

Here. Old menus, everything's there. Knock yourselves out.

LORELAI

How come everybody else gets a new menu? [Luke walks away] I feel much better now.

TEACHER

Well, I must say I'm glad to see that simply because the SATs are over, most of you are still taking your classwork seriously. Most of you.

LOUISE

Michael Mason. Worth every wrong answer.

TEACHER

All right, before we continue, I would like to remind you that the Chilton Bicentennial celebration takes place next week.

LOUISE

Number four. [shows off her hickey]

MADELINE

Well done.

TEACHER

The official sign up sheet for the speech contest has gone up in the back of the room. The contest will be held on Friday, and the winner will present their speech at the ceremony next week. Now, some of you may be saying to yourself, 'Hey, I already turned in my college application. Why should I spend all this time entering a speech competition, which if I win means I have to give up a Friday night, when I can't even use it for my resume? What's in it for me?'

MADELINE

Wow, that was spooky.

TEACHER

Yes, the speech will not go on your record. However, the bicentennial is going to be quite a prestigious affair. Past alumni and faculty will be there, some of these people are now professors at the same schools you're planning an attending. Plus, C-SPAN will be broadcasting the event live. All in all, it's shaping up to be a very exciting event. Think about it. [bell rings] Oh, I almost forgot to welcome back Brad Langford. He returns to us fresh from Broadway where he's just completed a successful run of Into the Woods. Welcome back, Brad.

BRAD

Thank you. It's good to be back.

PARIS

Sit down, Mary Martin.

TEACHER

All right everyone, have a lovely rest of the day. I will see you tomorrow.

BRAD

Rory, hi.

RORY

Hey Brad, good to have you back. How was Broadway?

BRAD

It was great, but Nathan Lane is a very bitter man.

RORY

I've heard that.

BRAD

You know, I tell you, even more than the actual experience of performing live, the confidence it gives you in every aspect of your life, that's the most amazing thing.

RORY

Well, you do look rather confident.

BRAD

Hey, it's the new me.

LOUISE

So, Brad... Broadway, I must know.

BRAD

Yes?

LOUISE

Did you get to keep your makeup?

MADELINE

What about your costumes, 'cause that seems great.

LOUISE

Ooh, unless you're doing Les Mis.

MADELINE

Or Cats.

LOUISE

Furry spandex with a tail and jazz shoes?

MADELINE

Hurrah. So, do you?

BRAD

Do I?

MADELINE

Get to keep the makeup?

BRAD

I didn't ask.

LOUISE

You didn't ask?

MADELINE

How do you leave the house every morning and not have a piano fall on your head?

BRAD

Well, I make a left on Federal and then –

RORY

Brad, that really didn't require an answer.

PARIS

You're blocking the list.

RORY

What's that? Will we please move so you may sign up for the speech contest? Why, yes, Paris, we'd be happy to. How kind of you to phrase it in that very respectful manner.

PARIS

Are you going to move, or do you need a five, six, seven, eight?

BRAD

Paris, this time on stage has been a very growing experience for me. I'm no longer intimidated by you or people like you.

PARIS

I'm thrilled to hear it, Chita Rivera. Move. Well, Gilmore, I certainly hope you're signing up, too. It'll be my last chance to trounce you with anything at this school.

RORY

My decision to do this will in no way depend on you, Paris.

PARIS

I'm only saying it won't be a totally satisfying victory just beating Jerome Robbins and the rest of the losers here. I'd really like to take you down also.

BRAD

Boy, she is really up on her theater references.

SOOKIE

This is outrageous. I am beyond offended. Did you tell them I'm beyond offended? Sending my food back? That's it, get their names, they're never eating here again.

WAITER

Okay.

SOOKIE

Wait, what wine was he drinking?

WAITER

1952 Chateau Petrus Bordeaux.

SOOKIE

Hm. Okay, never mind.

LORELAI

Hey, is everything okay?

SOOKIE

No, we have got to have a better screening system for customers here.

LORELAI

Yes, we do, since we currently have no screening system for customers here.

SOOKIE

They sent it back. My food. My four star, 'you haven't lived 'til you've eaten there, says Ruth Reichl,' food.

LORELAI

What did they say was wrong?

SOOKIE

You name it. Too salty, too hot, too sewer-y.

LORELAI

Honey, calm down. Some people are just stupid.

SOOKIE

Yes, they are stupid, and stupid people have stupid friends, and they all have to come here and be stupid together.

LORELAI

Okay, now, don't be mad at me, but I have to ask this – are you sure there's nothing wrong with the food?

SOOKIE

Of course there's nothing wrong with the food. You don't think that I would know if something was wrong with my food? You don't think that I tasted every last dish that was sent back. I tasted it, Manuel tasted it, Rico tasted it, Louella tasted it. We all tasted it and it tastes fine.

LORELAI

Okay. Do you mind?

SOOKIE

You don't believe me?

LORELAI

I believe you completely, but it's easier for me to take on those who doubt you if I actually tasted it myself.

SOOKIE

Fine, go ahead.

LORELAI

Okay, now I get the sewer-y reference.

SOOKIE

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

Come here. [to waiter] Just, uh, send them out some free desserts.

SOOKIE

Free desserts? You're giving the stupid people free desserts.

LORELAI

Sookie, I love you.

SOOKIE

I love you, too.

LORELAI

Okay, and I love your food, you know that.

SOOKIE

Yeah.

LORELAI

But I have to tell you that that bite I just had over there is one of the worst things I've ever tasted, and I've tasted some very bad things.

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

Are you sure you didn't just accidentally drop something in the food tonight, like, I don't know, uh, strychnine or manure?

SOOKIE

No, I tested each dish every step of the way. I mean, the base, the stock, the sauce, the seasonings.

LORELAI

Are you sick? 'Cause sometimes the flu or a cold or even allergies can throw your tastebuds off.

SOOKIE

No, I'm not sick. I mean, I had a little bug last week, but nothing today.

LORELAI

Well, I think you should think about getting a checkup. Maybe it was more than a little bug.

SOOKIE

The food was really bad?

LORELAI

Oh, honey, it was just... well, yeah, it was really that bad.

SOOKIE

I don't understand it.

LORELAI

Ah, I'm sure it was nothing. Just have Manuel help you with the tasting for the rest of the night, okay?

RORY

Paris is going to drive me completely insane. Ooh, that looks good.

ENTIRE KITCHEN STAFF

No!

RORY

Geez.

LORELAI

Be happy you're loved, hon. I got a Kit Kat in my purse.

RORY

What's up?

LORELAI

I don't know. It's weird, Sookie must be sick or something.

RORY

Sookie never gets sick.

LORELAI

She'll be fine. So, tell me, what did Paris do now?

RORY

It's nothing, it's just Paris. There's this speech contest for the bicentennial, and I wasn't even going to enter it, but I don't know – with the whole 'it's my last chance to crush you before graduation' comment, I want to enter, I want to win, and I wanna dance around her saying 'I win, I win, I win!'

LORELAI

Wow, you're getting more and more like me everyday.

RORY

But I know, it was petty and stupid and I should probably just ignore her.

LORELAI

Yes, that is what you should do.

RORY

Okay, that is what I will do.

LORELAI

How come you weren't gonna enter the contest?

RORY

I don't know.

LORELAI

You love doing school things.

RORY

I don't love doing school things when it involves the entire school staring at me while I'm doing 'em.

LORELAI

You had to give your vice presidential acceptance speech in front of the entire school.

RORY

Yeah, but I had to do that.

LORELAI

Oh, so you're just gonna go through life only doing what you have to do.

RORY

Well, no.

LORELAI

Because a person who wants to be a foreign correspondent for a living should probably embrace the opportunity to practice her speechin' skills in front of a crowd.

RORY

You had the motherly edge going there until you threw in the speechin' skills comment.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, you know what I mean.

RORY

I know what you mean. Okay, I'll go out for the speech.

LORELAI

Good.

RORY

And if I get to do the 'I win, I win, I win' dance, then so much the better.

LORELAI

For everyone involved.

RORY

Mmhmm.

LORELAI

Oh my God. Oh my God.

LORELAI

You're pregnant!

SOOKIE

I'm pregnant!

SOOKIE

Oh my God, I'm pregnant!

RORY

You're pregnant?

SOOKIE

I'm pregnant!

LORELAI

That's why!

SOOKIE

I'm pregnant!

RORY

That's great!

PARIS

Huh.

GIRL

What?

PARIS

That just looks like more than four thousand words, but I'm sure you counted them.

GIRL

I did.

PARIS

Good. [to another girl] Hey Shelly, good luck. Although I'm sure you're going to be great. After all, there's hardly anything on stage for you to trip over this time, right? [sits down next to Brad; sings] I've got my beans at Grandma's house, my magic beans at Grandma's house.

BRAD

Stop it.

PARIS

[sings] I'll take my beans, my magic beans, who's got the beans, we need some beans, I love the beans.

BRAD

You can't rattle me.

PARIS

[sings] Into the woods at Grandma's house.

BRAD

Look, I'm proud of my part, okay? The New York Times called me winningly naïve.

PARIS

[sings] Into the woods, into the woods, into the woods.

RORY

Stop it right now.

PARIS

I know, that is one annoying song.

RORY

Leave Brad alone, and stop terrorizing everyone in this hallway.

PARIS

Terrorizing? What are you talking about, terrorizing? I'm simply talking to my fellow classmates.

RORY

You're trying to scare them into doing badly so you'll win easier.

PARIS

I am not.

RORY

Oh really? And that magical bean recital back there?

PARIS

Hey, I was trying to give the kid some human contact. He's been talking to nothing but a cow for a year and a half.

BRAD

There was a person inside that cow, I've told you that!

TEACHER

[walks out of classroom] Brad Langford.

BRAD

I'm winningly naïve.

TEACHER

Okay.

PARIS

Brad, you got your beans?

RORY

Stop. Go Brad, you'll do great.

RORY

It's amazing how you manage to hide those bolts on the side of your neck. What is that, just really good cover up?

PARIS

Rory, lower your voice. People are trying to concentrate.

RORY

Wow.

PARIS

Wow what?

RORY

Your speech must really suck.

PARIS

Excuse me?

RORY

I mean, if you're going to all this trouble to psych out everyone else, then you must know you have a loser there.

PARIS

Mind games. Not your forte, cupcake. Stick to talking to losers off the train tracks, will you?

RORY

You're horrible.

PARIS

And I'm going to win. [a girl sits next to her] Cherry, hi. Man those braces are shiny.

LORELAI

[answers phone] Hello

SOOKIE

It's me.

LORELAI

Every detail, leave nothing out.

SOOKIE

Well, I told him.

LORELAI

Did he flip? Did he cry? Did he scream?

SOOKIE

No.

LORELAI

No? Did he hear you?

SOOKIE

Yeah, he heard me.

LORELAI

I don't understand, what happened?

SOOKIE

Well, I came home and I got some flowers and I chilled some glasses and I put some music on and I opened a bottle of champagne, and the cork broke the window so I had to clean up the glass, and then I taped some cardboard over the hole, and then I knocked over the bottle of champagne, so I had to get out the mop.

LORELAI

My finger's hitting the fast forward button, hon.

SOOKIE

So, he came home and I handed him a beer, and I smiled and I kissed him and I told him he was gonna be a daddy.

LORELAI

And then he did what?

SOOKIE

Then he got out the calculator.

LORELAI

What?

SOOKIE

He's been crunching numbers for two hours.

LORELAI

He didn't say anything?

SOOKIE

No.

LORELAI

Mr. 'I-want-four-in-four' hears he can check off number one and he says nothing?

SOOKIE

Okay, not nothing.

LORELAI

Thank you.

SOOKIE

Every fifteen minutes, he says, 'Oh, boy.'

LORELAI

'Oh, boy' like 'Oh, boy!'?

SOOKIE

No, 'Oh, boy' like 'Oh, boy.'

JACKSON

[in background] Oh, boy.

SOOKIE

Did you hear that?

LORELAI

Well, maybe he's in shock.

JACKSON

Oh, boy.

SOOKIE

Maybe.

JACKSON

Oh, boy.

LORELAI

Honey, I'd go in there and take that calculator away from him if I were you.

SOOKIE

This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

LORELAI

I know, sweetie, but give it time. It's a big thing.

SOOKIE

He said he wanted this.

LORELAI

He loves you, he wants this.

JACKSON

Oh, boy.

SOOKIE

Uh huh.

LORELAI

Hang in there, I'll call you later.

SOOKIE

I'll be here.

JACKSON

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

DEAN

It's right there!

KIRK

Just a second.

DEAN

I see it. Can I just –

KIRK

Yeah, I can do it.

DEAN

Kirk, it's right there!

KIRK

You are yelling at me, and I have to tell you that that is not the way to get results.

DEAN

You keep passing it.

KIRK

You are making me crazy.

LORELAI

Dean, I just need... oh, hey, that's my water bill.

DEAN

He's been down there for twenty minutes.

LORELAI

Kirk, you have to sort the mail first.

KIRK

Everybody is always telling me what to do. Everybody else is always right. Well, I'm sorry, but I am the mail carrier in this town and I will carry the mail the way that I carry the mail, and if you don't like that, then you can carry the mail. But you'll have to apply for the job first and get hired. And there's a test, and it is a hard test, my friend. Ow, paper cut.

LORELAI

Dean, I need some of that non-drowsy allergy medicine stuff.

DEAN

Did you check in the back with the aspirin?

LORELAI

Yeah, nothing.

DEAN

Then we're probably out. I could tell you when they're expected in, but I haven't gotten the mail yet.

KIRK

Shut up.

LORELAI

Okay, nevermind, I'll just grab some when I get to Hartford. See if you can get my water bill for me.

DEAN

All right, I'll do my best. [to Kirk] I'm giving you five minutes to get up, then I'm getting the mop.

KIRK

You will not touch this. This is the property of the United States Government.

LORELAI

Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay, show me a difference, people. Why can't I pick one? Ooh, on sale, that's it, good, done.

LORELAI

Max.

MAX

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hi.

MAX

Hi back.

LORELAI

I didn't know you had a cold.

MAX

I just recently found out myself.

LORELAI

Well, wow. You. Hi. How have you been?

MAX

I've been good.

LORELAI

Good.

MAX

I've been in California.

LORELAI

Well, cowabunga dude.

MAX

Yes, that's my official California name.

LORELAI

So, California, huh?

MAX

Stanford, actually. I was teaching a class there.

LORELAI

Well, good. It's about time that dump got some decent teachers.

MAX

Yes, they're really trying to turn the place around.

LORELAI

Well, so, if you were living in California, then what are you doing back here?

MAX

Well, this place has the best selection.

LORELAI

In Hartford.

MAX

My class ended, and I thought I'd come back for the Chilton Bicentennial.

LORELAI

Ah.

MAX

What are you doing here in Hartford?

LORELAI

Friday night?

MAX

The infamous Gilmore dinners.

LORELAI

Yeah.

MAX

How's that going?

LORELAI

Uh, great. We had to add on an extra room for all the emotional baggage, but other than that, there's been no bloodshed as of yet.

MAX

Well, I'm glad to hear it. And Rory's good?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, she's the Encyclopedia Britannica definition of good.

MAX

Grades?

LORELAI

Perfect.

MAX

Same boyfriend?

LORELAI

Different boyfriend.

MAX

Really?

LORELAI

Yeah.

MAX

You hate him.

LORELAI

No, I don't.

MAX

You really hate him.

LORELAI

I smile, I say hi, I let him eat the good cookies.

MAX

You wanna have him killed.

LORELAI

Only if I get a really good price.

MAX

She's young, she'll move on, she's got college next year.

LORELAI

Great. Frat boys, I cannot wait.

MAX

Just get a keg, keeps 'em distracted.

LORELAI

Oh, well, thanks for the advice. I'm gonna lock her up in a tower when I get home.

MAX

Glad I could help. Well, listen, I, um, have this dinner I have to get to.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, yeah. Me, too. Me, too. So...

MAX

It was nice to see you.

LORELAI

It was nice to see you, too.

MAX

Bye.

LORELAI

Uh, bye.

RICHARD

Ah, you're here.

LORELAI

And you are by far the most masculine-looking maid my parents have ever had.

RICHARD

It's chaos here. The second maid called in sick, the first is busy with dinner, and your poor mother is at the hospital. Her DAR group suffered a surfeit of strokes this week.

LORELAI

Come again?

RICHARD

Three of her friends had strokes. And now she is hopping from sick bed to sick bed offering whatever comfort she can.

LORELAI

Three DAR strokes. What's in that water they're drinking?

RICHARD

Well, a little whiskey, usually. Oh, and you're forgetting Liesl.

LORELAI

What?

RICHARD

Our East-German maid. She was much more masculine-looking than me.

LORELAI

Right, the muttonchops.

RICHARD

Here is Rory.

LORELAI

Thanks, I wouldn't have recognized her. Hi hon.

RORY

Hi. Did you hear about the strokes?

LORELAI

Yes, stay away from whiskey and the DAR.

RICHARD

Your mother would make you throw that out at this point.

LORELAI

How about I exchange it for a martini?

RICHARD

Ah, coming up. [phone rings] Oh, good I'm expecting an important call. This could be it.

LORELAI

Uh, Dad, if the maid is busy with dinner and the second one's out and Mom's at the hospital... you know.

RICHARD

Oh, right, right. I'll get it! [leaves room]

LORELAI

Alone at last. Have I got something to tell you.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Or maybe you have something to tell me.

RORY

Don't do that, I have nothing.

LORELAI

Or are you minimizing what you know? Maybe you should maximize it.

RORY

I'm confused.

LORELAI

Maximize it.

RORY

I'm maximum confused.

LORELAI

I ran into Max.

RORY

Medina?

LORELAI

At the pharmacy. Did you know he was back?

RORY

No. He was, like, on loan somewhere.

LORELAI

Yeah, at Stanford. But he's back now, for a little while at least, and I am happy to report that either he's forgiven me for treating him so badly or it wasn't that bad and I just built it up worse in my head.

RORY

Oh no, you treated him like crap

LORELAI

Well, he was very big about it. He didn't recoil or blow me off. We had a nice chat. It was good to see him.

RORY

He's a great guy.

LORELAI

He is.

RORY

And a great teacher, too. I'm glad he's back.

LORELAI

Good. He seems glad, too.

RICHARD

That was not my call, and for a second there, I thought a fourth friend of your mother's had had a stroke.

RORY

Oh, no.

RICHARD

But then I realized that it was one of the original stroke ladies' husband's calling to inform me of her stroke, which we already knew about, so here we are.

LORELAI

Thank God.

RICHARD

So, Rory has been telling me about the Chilton Bicentennial and her speech.

RORY

Well, it's not my speech yet. I have to qualify for it.

RICHARD

Oh, you'll get it.

LORELAI

She'll be on C-SPAN if she does.

RICHARD

Very good.

RORY

It's not like anyone would watch it.

LORELAI

Yes, they will. You're a hell of a lot more interesting than that usual shot they have of all the white men walking around that big empty chamber with the numbers all over them.

RICHARD

That's a televised house vote, and I find that fascinating.

LORELAI

It's like watching the Men's Warehouse security camera.

RICHARD

When is your speech? I'd like to be there.

RORY

Again, it's not my speech yet, but it's Friday at five.

RICHARD

Oh, well, that's tough. Could they move it to six?

RORY

I don't think so.

RICHARD

Well, maybe I'll move my thing.

RORY

That might be best.

RICHARD

Oh, I've got it, I've got it, I've got it!

RORY

What?

LORELAI

[holds up her cell phone] Speed dial. I just like seeing him do that.

RICHARD

[from other room] I've got it.

SOOKIE

Ah, thank God, someone sane. Come on up.

LORELAI

Your phone has been busy all night and I am dying to know what the doctor said.

SOOKIE

He said, "Congratulations, it's an It!"

LORELAI

Ah, I loved being pregnant.

SOOKIE

You'll give me lots of tips?

LORELAI

Oh, what I can remember.

SOOKIE

Get your diary out from that year 'cause I wanna know it all.

LORELAI

A lot of my diary from that year was, um, a debate over which member of Tears for Fears I loved more at that particular moment.

SOOKIE

That's probably not going to help me much.

LORELAI

What are you doing out here? It's cold.

SOOKIE

Well, we finished eating and I needed a break. Rough day. We didn't get home until eight.

LORELAI

Eight? Your appointment was at six.

SOOKIE

Jackson won't drive home faster than seven miles an hour. He doesn't wanna jiggle Baby.

LORELAI

Oh my God.

SOOKIE

We spent ten minutes on one speed bump. I could've walked home faster. And he's got this wild look in his eye like he's some kind of death rocker or something, and he's making lots of calls, and he punched the calculator so much he broke it.

JACKSON

We're selling the truck.

SOOKIE

What?

JACKSON

It's the only way we're going to afford the minivan.

SOOKIE

I thought you broke the calculator.

JACKSON

I'm using a pencil. Hi Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hi Jackson, congratulations.

SOOKIE

We don't need a van.

JACKSON

And I'm getting a haircut and buying a second tie. [the phone rings] Oh, I'll get it. It's probably the contractor.

SOOKIE

What contractor?

JACKSON

The add-on.

SOOKIE

What add-on?

JACKSON

The expansion, Sookie, the expansion. [walks into the house]

SOOKIE

He's expanding something.

LORELAI

He's, uh, being very cryptic.

SOOKIE

I don't wanna expand anything. And did you see his eyes?

LORELAI

Tasmanian devil.

SOOKIE

When I came home, he was baby-proofing the house, he'd thrown away all our prescription drugs, and he was stuffing newspaper into the electrical sockets. He's insane.

JACKSON

[oh phone] Hold on, Tom. [to Sookie] He says we have to move out for three months to do the add-on. We probably don't wanna do that.

SOOKIE

Probably not.

LORELAI

Have you tried slapping him?

SOOKIE

No, he won't let me lift my arm above my head in case it stretches Baby. This stinks. We never even got to celebrate. He went straight to budgets and minivans.

LORELAI

Aw, well, what he's doing is sweet in its own obnoxious way.

SOOKIE

I guess I'll have to let him be male.

LORELAI

So, listen, um, I ran into Max Medina.

SOOKIE

Oh my God, really? How weird was that?

LORELAI

A little. Not as much as I would have thought.

SOOKIE

He's such a good guy.

LORELAI

Yeah, people are pretty unanimous on that.

SOOKIE

Well, was he nice to you?

LORELAI

Very. I mean, what happened with us was so long ago. Do you think what I did to him was really horrible?

SOOKIE

You mean dumping him in the gutter? Sure.

LORELAI

Yeah, people are pretty unanimous on that, too.

SOOKIE

So, Max Medina's back.

LORELAI

Not for long, though. I just hope he doesn't hate me. He was probably just being nice. I just don't want him to hate me.

SOOKIE

You didn't mean to hurt him.

LORELAI

I'll write him a note or something. I owe him that.

LORELAI/SOOKIE

Oh!

JACKSON

What is this?

SOOKIE

It's my cleaver.

JACKSON

What if Baby fell on it?

SOOKIE

You mean, what if Baby rolled off the sink and into the open second drawer? It wouldn't be good.

JACKSON

It has to go.

SOOKIE

I need it to chop stuff.

JACKSON

We're switching to plastic.

SOOKIE

I can't use plastic.

JACKSON

And the Saran Wrap's history, too.

SOOKIE

Jackson!

RORY

[answers phone] Hello?

WOMAN

Rory Gilmore, please.

RORY

This is Rory Gilmore.

WOMAN

Please hold. I'm connecting Headmaster Charleston and Paris Gellar.

RORY

What? You're what, hello?

WOMAN

Miss Gilmore?

RORY

I'm here.

WOMAN

Miss Gellar?

PARIS

I'm here.

WOMAN

Please hold, I'm connecting Headmaster Charleston. [pause] Miss Gilmore, Miss Gellar, you have Headmaster Charleston.

HEADMASTER

Ladies, hello. I hope you're having a pleasant evening.

RORY

Yes, sir.

PARIS

Very pleasant.

HEADMASTER

Wonderful to hear. Well, let's get down to it, shall we? I was very impressed with both of your speeches today. They were well written, well researched, and eloquently delivered. You should be very proud.

RORY

Thank you, we were.

PARIS

Who won?

HEADMASTER

Just the simple act of completing a task well is in itself a win, is it not Miss Gellar?

PARIS

Yes, sir.

HEADMASTER

Wonderful. Anyhow, as I was listening to you both this afternoon, a thought kept rolling around in my head. I was thinking what a pity it is I will have to choose just one. But then I realized, 'Hold on a minute here. I'm the headmaster at this school, I'm in charge of this competition, I can change the rules if I wish to.' So I am.

RORY

You are?

PARIS

You are what?

HEADMASTER

I am changing the rules. Instead of having one speaker at our bicentennial, we will have two. You will combine your speeches and present them together.

PARIS

You're kidding.

HEADMASTER

I assure you I am not. I think it will be an excellent way to pay proper tribute to our school. So, what do you think of my little plan?

RORY

Well...

PARIS

It's, uh...

HEADMASTER

Brilliant. Yes, I think so, too. That's all. Congratulations. I would like the revised copy of your speech on my desk by Tuesday. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. [hangs up]

PARIS

Well, look who's suddenly decided to become Kofi Annan.

RORY

Excuse me?

PARIS

Charleston thinks we need to play nice with each other, so he screws up the whole bicentennial. This sucks.

RORY

Yes, it does suck.

PARIS

So, what do we do now?

RORY

Do we have a choice?

PARIS

Of course we have a choice. You could say no.

RORY

Why could I say no? You could say no.

PARIS

I could not say no. C-SPAN is going to be there.

RORY

Well, I like C-SPAN as much as you do.

PARIS

You do not.

RORY

I do, too. Ask my mom, it's all I talk about.

PARIS

So, I guess we need a game plan now.

RORY

Okay. We can meet at school tomorrow and work on it.

PARIS

Or we could do it over the phone.

RORY

Over the phone?

PARIS

We're just combining two speeches, Rory. There's no reason we have to sit in the same room and stare at each other.

RORY

Fine, whatever you want.

PARIS

Tomorrow night, six o'clock, I'll call you.

RORY

I can't wait.

RORY

What are you doing here?

PARIS

We have a speech to write.

RORY

Yes, but we were supposed to do it over the phone. That was the plan.

PARIS

Well, it's a ridiculous plan. We have to put two speeches together. We have to rehearse them, we have to hone our timing. None of that can be done effectively over the phone.

RORY

But it was your idea.

PARIS

Oh, like you fought me on it?

RORY

Of course I didn't fight you on it.

PARIS

Well, okay then.

RORY

What, okay then? Our conversation did not just come to a close. There was not a decision made back there just now.

PARIS

Look, I'm here, we should just do this and get it over with. Do you wanna study here or in your bedroom? Fine, I'll go to a payphone. Do you have payphones in this town or are you still using a town crier?

RORY

We'll do it here.

PARIS

Whatever you say.

PARIS

So, I think the first thing to do is to acquaint ourselves with each others' speeches so we can judge who hit which point best. Here. [hands Rory her speech]

RORY

Mine. [hands Paris her speech]

PARIS

Good. Let's read. Why did you use this font?

RORY

Because I was on the crack.

PARIS

Did you check these facts?

RORY

Yes, I did.

PARIS

And the spelling of these names?

RORY

Yes, I did.

PARIS

Rory?

RORY

What, Paris?

PARIS

I slept with Jamie. Last night, after we talked.

RORY

Was it something I said?

PARIS

I went over there to study and he lit a fire and then we did it. What are your thoughts on that?

RORY

My thoughts?

PARIS

Because I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it myself yet. I've been going over it in my head. I mean, it seemed to go pretty well. The fire was nice and thank God he didn't try to put on any ridiculous makeout music, and then it just happened. I was actually fairly surprised at the timing of it because I wasn't wearing anything particularly alluring, and in the moments just before the act...

RORY

Oh, God.

PARIS

We were actually discussing modern day Marxism in America, which is not what I would have deemed a 'come and get it' sort of conversation, but nevertheless, he came and got it, and I have to figure out what that means to me on a psychological level. So, I thought maybe if you and I could have sort of a healthy debate about it, I could come to some sort of reasonable conclusion about how I should be feeling right about now. So, come on, talk. What do you think?

RORY

I –

PARIS

Are you pro?

RORY

Well –

PARIS

Con?

RORY

Well –

PARIS

Undecided?

RORY

Paris, just stop talking for one second and let me get my mind around this.

PARIS

Sorry, go ahead, focus.

PARIS

Could you focus faster because I really need some feedback here.

RORY

Okay, so you are telling me that you and Jamie...

PARIS

Had sex.

RORY

Okay, so, were you safe?

PARIS

Yes, it was a regular after school special.

RORY

Well, was he nice to you?

PARIS

Yes, he was very nice to me.

RORY

And the two of you had discussed this...

PARIS

Well, I don't know that we actually discussed it, it was just sort of implied.

RORY

Implied?

PARIS

Yes, implied. When you're dating a boy and you're together for a given amount of time and you're not Amish, then the eventual occurrence of intercourse is inevitable. I mean, wasn't it with you?

RORY

What?

PARIS

With Dean.

RORY

No.

PARIS

No?

RORY

No. I never did it with Dean.

PARIS

Oh. Well, then with Jess, right?

RORY

Um, no.

PARIS

You're lying.

RORY

No, I'm not lying.

PARIS

You haven't?

RORY

No.

PARIS

Why not?

RORY

I just haven't. It's just not the time.

PARIS

Why is it not the time? I mean, if it's not the time for you, then maybe it's not the time for me either.

RORY

Paris, you can't judge what's right for you against what's right for me. I mean, we are different, and Jamie and Jess are different.

PARIS

Well, yeah.

RORY

Maybe it was the time for the two of you.

PARIS

I guess. I just wish I had the data to back it up.

RORY

Some things can't be analyzed.

PARIS

Listen, Rory, these last few weeks, Francie got things all twisted around.

RORY

You let her get things all twisted around.

PARIS

I know. I just tend to believe the worst in people, you know?

RORY

Oh yeah, I know.

PARIS

I'm...

RORY

That's okay.

LORELAI

[from kitchen] Hello, Mommy's home!

RORY

We're in here.

LORELAI

We're, who's we're? Oh, hey Paris. I didn't know you were coming over tonight.

PARIS

It wasn't planned.

LORELAI

Oh, well, I brought pizza if you guys are hungry.

PARIS

I have to take my retainer out first.

RORY

I'll get the plates.

LORELAI

Hey.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

I'm taking you shopping tomorrow.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

It just seems time... for new shoes.

RORY

Okay. [walks away]

LORELAI

I've got the good kid.

HEADMASTER

...of two hundred years of tradition, Chilton begins its third century of educating this country's young students...

LORELAI

Okay, I got the coats hung, and I slipped the girl a buck to get the really good hangers. You know, the ones with the dry cleaning foam strips still attached. Why are you frowning? Are you nervous?

RORY

What? No. I mean, yes. Paris is supposed to be here and she's not.

LORELAI

Well, maybe she's just had a clothing crisis.

RORY

Maybe.

LORELAI

Do you wanna call her?

RORY

I did, no answer.

LORELAI

I'm sure she's fine, there's traffic. Just relax.

RORY

Okay.

RICHARD

There you are.

LORELAI

Hi.

RORY

Grandpa, you came.

RICHARD

Of course I came. I wouldn't miss my granddaughter talking on national TV. That's quite a nice turnout you have here.

LORELAI

Yes, well, we're very proud of the number of people who have nothing to do on a Friday night.

RICHARD

Your mind never tires for a moment, does it?

LORELAI

It will once people start talking.

RICHARD

Charming.

LORELAI

Okay, well, I'm gonna go track down some coffee 'cause there's no way they're not serving coffee at this thing. I'll be right back. Relax, she'll be here.

MAX

[to man] Stanford has been really fantastic.

LORELAI

Hi.

MAX

Hi. [to man] Will you excuse me for a moment?

MAN

Sure.

MAX

We seem to be running into each other a lot lately.

LORELAI

Oh, come on, you know where there's C-SPAN, there's... me.

MAX

Is Rory around?

LORELAI

Um, she's looking for Paris and panicking she's gonna have to do this alone.

MAX

Well, Paris'll come.

LORELAI

I told her that. Listen, do you have a second?

MAX

Sure.

LORELAI

I just, um... I just wanna talk to you about... uh...

LORELAI

I just wanted to get away from... anyhow. We just haven't really talked since...

MAX

No, we haven't.

LORELAI

I always meant to call you, but I'm not good at calling when a call is really necessary. And then, you know, uh, if you don't call for awhile, it gets harder to call, and then after awhile, it feels like it's too late to call, and so you don't, although you always know that you should've called, and I should've called.

MAX

It's okay.

LORELAI

No, it's not. I never really explained what happened.

MAX

You didn't marry me.

LORELAI

Yes, I know, but I never really explained why. I just didn't.

MAX

You didn't love me.

LORELAI

I don't think I didn't love you. I think... I think I was not ready to get married.

MAX

Because you didn't love me.

LORELAI

No, I really don't think that was it. Sometimes the person you love is not the person you're ready to live with forever. I'm not saying this is right, but –

MAX

Lorelai, listen to me. I appreciate this, I really do, but there's no need for it. I'm really okay.

LORELAI

Oh, no, I know you're... no, I'm sure you're okay. I'm not saying this because you don't look okay. You look great. Really great. Although, I'm not saying this because you look really great, although you do. Did you join a gym in California?

MAX

Lorelai, look. I've always wanted to teach at a university like Stanford. And finally, the opportunity came up, I went, and it was wonderful. And, frankly, if we had been getting married, I wouldn't have been able to take it.

LORELAI

You're welcome.

MAX

And being away gave me time to think. I thought, and now I'm fine.

LORELAI

It's just, we never had any closure.

MAX

Life's not really about closure, is it?

LORELAI

No, I guess not. So, you're okay?

MAX

I'm okay. I'm over it.

LORELAI

You sure?

MAX

I am completely sure.

LORELAI

Well, then... boy, don't I feel stupid.

MAX

You are many things, but stupid is not one of 'em.

LORELAI

Well, I'm really glad I got to see you again.

MAX

Me, too. I better get back.

LORELAI

Okay.

HEADMASTER

Rory, you and Paris should get ready, you're going on next. Richard, I didn't know you were coming, how are you?

RICHARD

Very, very well, Hanlin.

HEADMASTER

Wonderful. Here, let me find you a seat.

RICHARD

Ah, I'm also with my daughter.

HEADMASTER

Well, then let me find you two seats. Rory, where's Paris?

RORY

I don't know, I haven't seen her and I called her house.

HEADMASTER

Oh, dear. Well, I hope you know both parts. [walks away]

RORY

Okay, great.

RICHARD

You are going to be wonderful, trust me. Now, did anyone ever to tell you to picture the audience in their underwear?

RORY

Yes.

RICHARD

Well, don't do it. I did it once and I had nightmares for a week. Bulgarians in Speedos.

RORY

Say no more.

LORELAI

Hey, they're rounding us up. Is she here yet?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Oh, well, just... oh, there she is.

RORY

Where? [sees Paris down the hall] Oh, thank you God.

LORELAI

Okay, be great. We'll see you afterward.

RORY

[walks over to Paris] Where have you been? Paris, you okay?

HEADMASTER

And it is with great pleasure that I introduce two young ladies that epitomize the very best of what Chilton has to offer.

RORY

Paris, are you okay?

HEADMASTER

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Paris Gellar and Rory Gilmore.

RORY

"Apply yourself. Get all the education you can, but then do something. Don't just stand there, make it happen." Lee Iacocca. "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." Malcolm Forbes. "Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught." Oscar Wilde. These are only three of many countless views on the expansion of the human mind. I personally believe in all of them, and fortunately for me, so does Chilton. An institution not just because of age and standing, but because of ideas. Because it encourages ideas and it will accept nothing less than everything you have to give. This is the place where our lives start.

PARIS

You know, it's funny, me standing here before you right now. I've thought about nothing else for four years but this school, this big important school with all of its history and tradition and really super teachers. And I dedicated myself to it completely, heart and soul, believing in its power, believing in its ability to get me where I needed to go. Harvard. I thought of nothing else. Many of you out there can attest to that fact. I was on my way and nothing could stop me. And here's the really funny thing – after four years of slaving away, I go home today and I found this. [holds up an envelope] I'm not going to Harvard. I got the tiny envelope, the one that reads, "Sorry, Paris. We're not interested. Try again next year. Love, Harvard." And the thing that's really funny here is, who in the world deserves to go to Harvard more than me? Have you seen how hard I've worked over these past four years? I mean, can anyone here believe that I'm not going to Harvard? I can't. I'm not going to Harvard. I am not going to Harvard. I had sex, but I'm not going to Harvard.

RORY

Okay.

PARIS

And I have to tell you that if you asked me which of those two events I thought would be the least likely to happen, it would not be the not going to Harvard.

RORY

Thank you and good night.

PARIS

I'm being punished. I had sex, so now I don't get to go to Harvard.

RORY

Paris, come on. [leads Paris off the stage]

PARIS

She's never had sex. She'll probably go to Harvard. She's a shoe in. Pack your chastity belt, Gilmore – you're going to Harvard!

RORY

Come on!

PARIS

How could I have not gotten into Harvard? Five generations of Gellars have gotten into Harvard. Even if I was the Billy Carter of the family, the name is still supposed to carry some weight.

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

They had to really not like me for me to not get in.

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

It's like they know me or something.

RORY

Stop. I know how much this meant to you, Paris, but you are going to get just as good an education at one of the other great schools you're destined to get into. And you know what? Maybe it's a good thing that you're going to a different school than the rest of your family. You'll be doing your own thing, starting your own tradition. Doesn't that sound exciting?

PARIS

I can't believe I slept with Jamie. I'm a slut.

RORY

No, you're not. You love him.

PARIS

What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he doesn't think I'm special anymore? How am I going to tell him I didn't get into Harvard? What am I gonna do?

RORY

Paris, I don't know why you didn't get into Harvard, but you are so smart and so special and you'll see, everything's gonna be fine.

LORELAI

Hey, I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.

RORY

Yeah, we've got everything under control, thanks.

LORELAI

Okay. I'll be outside when you're ready. No rush.

RORY

Thanks.

PARIS

Well, all I've gotta say is, after all the trouble this sex thing has caused me, I better have been good.

RORY

That's the perspective I know and love.

LORELAI

Dad, hi, sorry. I was just checking on the girls.

RICHARD

Well, I hope they're feeling very good about themselves. They did a wonderful job.

LORELAI

Yes, well, I'm sure they'll be very pleased to hear you think so.

RICHARD

Listen, um, I need to get home. Uh, I'm expecting a very important call from China that unfortunately I cannot miss.

LORELAI

That's fine, Dad. I'll tell Rory you had to go.

RICHARD

All right. And tell her I'll call her later, and give her this. [hands Lorelai an envelope]

LORELAI

Aw, that's very nice. Now how about my finder's fee?

RICHARD

You're very amusing. Thank you for a lovely evening, and I'll see the two of you on Friday.

LORELAI

Good night. Sleep tight.

LORELAI

[to coat-check woman] Um, excuse me, hi. I am not seeing my coat here, and it was very cute and it was on sale, and I will fling myself off a building if I lose it.

WOMAN

We put some of the coat racks in the classroom over there, take a look. Otherwise the staircase to the roof is on your right.

LORELAI

Thank you. Hm. Took two hundred years, but somebody at Chilton finally cracked a joke.

MAX

Okay. So, this is where they keep the coats they're ashamed of.

LORELAI

Well, this school has taken snobbery to a whole new level.

MAX

So, is Rory okay?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, I just went back there. She's taking care of Paris, but she's good, thanks.

MAX

I must say, I've been a teacher for ten years now, and it wasn't until today I realized, it must be really hard to be a girl.

LORELAI

And with the invention of Sephora, really expensive, too.

MAX

I'm very sorry.

LORELAI

Oh, don't be. At least we get to wear skirts without being Scottish or riding a float in the gay pride parade.

MAX

Well, that'll change someday my friend, and when it does, I still won't wear a skirt. But I'll applaud those that do, and then cross the street so nobody sees I'm with them.

LORELAI

It was nice seeing you.

MAX

Nice to see you, too.

LORELAI

Take care of yourself.

MAX

I will.

MAX

And apparently, I'm not over it.

SOOKIE

I'm not getting rid of my knives, Jackson. I'm a chef, I have to have knives.

JACKSON

Sookie.

SOOKIE

And I'm also not cutting off the water supply and I'm not sanding down all the edges of my furniture. Now, I'm sorry that you think this house is a deathtrap, and I'm sorry that you think there is nothing in our lifestyles that is conducive to having a baby, but our kid is gonna have to be bright enough not to disconnect the water hose that goes to the automatic ice maker and shove it up his or her nose. Now go to sleep.

JACKSON

Did I tell you how happy I am?

SOOKIE

No, you didn't.

JACKSON

I have never been happier about anything in my entire life.

SOOKIE

Really?

JACKSON

Our wedding day, but this is running a really close second.

SOOKIE

Jackson.

JACKSON

Now if you would just get rid of the knives, I think it could make it a tie. I wasn't kidding about the knives.

SOOKIE

Goodnight Jackson.

JACKSON

If I could read you the statistics just one more time.

SOOKIE

I love you, Jackson.

JACKSON

Hold on, I'll find them.

RORY

But –

LORELAI

I don't know.

RORY

What does this mean?

LORELAI

I don't know.

RORY

What are you gonna do?

LORELAI

I don't know.

RORY

What about Alex?

LORELAI

I don't know.

RORY

But is Max going to –

LORELAI

Oh, honey, have you gotten the clue? There's not gonna be a wealth of information tonight.

RORY

Sorry. [they stop at the mailbox] It's just so...

LORELAI

The big one.

RORY

Looks like Paris was right.

LORELAI

Apparently, you are the biggest virgin in the world. Wow. So, what?

RORY

I don't know.

LORELAI

Well, what does this mean?

RORY

I don't know.

LORELAI

Which one are you gonna choose?

RORY

I don't know.

LORELAI

I guess we better go inside. We both have a lot of things to figure out, huh?

RORY

Yup.

LORELAI

Yeah. So what are the odds that Paris is ever gonna have sex again in this lifetime?

RORY

I don't know.