T3E18: “Happy Birthday, Baby”

EMILY

Richard, please, we are starving!

RICHARD

[calls from kitchen] I will be right there, Emily.

EMILY

This is ridiculous.

LORELAI

Mom, relax.

EMILY

He woke up this morning and suddenly just had to have this dish that his grandmother would make him.

LORELAI

Yeah, we all understand the cravings.

RICHARD

[calls] It's a family secret.

EMILY

Well, last time I checked, I was family.

RORY

He's having fun, Grandma.

EMILY

I saw an open can of cream of mushroom soup. Nothing good can come of that.

RICHARD

Here we are, a treat for the masses.

RORY

Smells good.

RICHARD

Oh, this is my favorite thing to eat as a boy. My gran used to make this for me whenever I was feeling a little sad. You know, if my cricket team lost or a girl I fancied turned up her nose at me.

LORELAI

Well, then load me up because there was this really cute chick at the pharmacy today. I used my best material on her and nothing.

EMILY

Richard, at least let Pina serve it.

LORELAI

No comment on my lesbian hilarity. My, how far we've come.

RICHARD

Pina will serve tiny, proper servings. Johnny Machete needs to be presented in a heap.

RORY

Johnny Machete?

EMILY

That's the name of this vile concoction.

RORY

It's delicious.

LORELAI

It's not bad.

EMILY

It's twelve different colors.

LORELAI

Come on, Mom, eat it.

EMILY

It looks like someone already did.

RICHARD

Emily.

EMILY

I'm sorry. I'm happy you're happy, and to prove it, I will take exactly three bites of this before I throw it out.

RICHARD

Thank you.

EMILY

You're welcome.

RICHARD

So, good food, good company. Now, let's move onto good conversation. Rory, what is new in your life?

RORY

Well, funny you should mention it...

LORELAI

Now?

RORY

Why not?

LORELAI

Okay. Mom, Dad, we have some really big news.

RORY

I got my college acceptance letters back.

LORELAI

Harvard, Princeton, and Yale.

RORY

And after giving it a lot of thought, I have decided. I'm going to Yale.

LORELAI

Did you hear that – Yale!

RORY

I'm going to Yale!

LORELAI

That's where you went, Dad.

RORY

You liked it, remember?

EMILY

Pass the Johnny Machete, please.

LORELAI

Pass the...

RORY

I don't understand. I thought you wanted me to go to Yale.

EMILY

No, we didn't.

RICHARD

Absolutely not.

EMILY

What gave you that idea?

LORELAI

Mom, Dad, look, I know we've had our differences over where Rory should go to school, but that's behind us now. She's going to Yale, and that's good. Really good.

RORY

Nothing but smiles.

LORELAI

We're both very happy about it.

RORY

Both.

LORELAI

Her and me.

RORY

She and I.

LORELAI

Everybody in this room named Lorelai is over the moon about the ‘going to Yale.'

RORY

Which means that everybody else in this room not named Lorelai can be equally over the moon about the ‘going to Yale.'

RICHARD

I'm getting the champagne.

EMILY

I'm calling the Talbotts.

RICHARD

Oh, make sure you gloat over that dimwitted son of theirs who couldn't even get into Brown.

EMILY

She's going to Yale!

RICHARD

She's going to Yale!

RICHARD

When I get back, I'll teach you the fight song.

LORELAI

So?

TOM

It looks burned.

LORELAI

Thank you. How long to make it not looked burned?

TOM

Uh, geez, maybe two –

LORELAI

Tom, let me help you out. The answer I'm looking for is ten days because that's when I have to get guests back in here again.

TOM

Okay, ten days.

LORELAI

Are you lying to me?

TOM

What's the answer you're looking for there?

LORELAI

Never mind, just go fast.

TOM

Go fast, huh? Never heard that one before.

SOOKIE

Well, everything's fine in the kitchen. We just have to get the gas line reconnected.

LORELAI

How long's that gonna take?

SOOKIE

I don't know. The plumber's in there now looking at everything.

MICHEL

We forgot to call the Rappaports and they showed up.

LORELAI

Oh my God, what did you do?

MICHEL

Well, luckily they are not too bright so I convinced them they got their days mixed up and I sent them home.

LORELAI

You sent them home? You didn't even try to get them a room somewhere else?

MICHEL

You're welcome.

LORELAI

[to worker] Hey Laura, try to track down the Rappaports and see if you can get them into the Bunnyhop Inn. Thanks. [to Michel and Sookie] Okay, grab a seat and let's get the meeting started.

TOBIN

I'm here, I brought bagels.

LORELAI

Oh, Tobin, great. I'm starving.

TOBIN

Normally I wouldn't think of it, because what bagel stands a chance next to Sookie's magical muffins and scones?

SOOKIE

Oh, Tobin, stop!

TOBIN

Two full pants sizes, my friend, all because of you.

MICHEL

What is he doing here? He is the night manager – it's day.

LORELAI

Michel, this is an emergency staff meeting, I need him here.

MICHEL

I told you I cannot be in the same room with him.

LORELAI

It's an hour out of your life, deal with it.

TOBIN

Hold it. In case of soot. [spreads a handkerchief on the seat of Lorelai's chair]

LORELAI

You're very sweet.

TOBIN

Wait, wait. [wipes off the back of Lorelai's chair] Let's let the dry cleaners drum up their own business, huh?

MICHEL

My chair!

TOBIN

Oh, I'm sorry. [sits in another chair]

LORELAI

Okay, so, should we get a room or what?

MICHEL

Will you just start your meeting?

LORELAI

All right. Here's the situation.

TOBIN

Excuse me, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Yeah?

TOBIN

Michel, did you get a bagel?

MICHEL

I don't want a bagel.

TOBIN

Are you sure? They're Kosher.

MICHEL

I don't eat bagels. Bagels are like glue in your intestines and ensure that everything that enters your body will remain there until you die.

SOOKIE

Ew, shut up.

LORELAI

Okay, let's focus. As you know, the fire pretty much wiped out the dining room and five of the upstairs rooms.

LORELAI

Tobin, are you okay?

TOBIN

I'm sorry, I just... I just love this place so much. I've been the night manager here for five years and I've spent so much time walking these halls, listening for friendly ghosts flying around, playing –

MICHEL

Make a point, bagel boy.

TOBIN

It just hurts me to see it wounded, that's all.

LORELAI

Well, it won't be wounded forever. We will rebuild and we'll be back and better than ever. We just need to keep it going until then. So I need some ideas on what to do.

TOBIN

You know, I was thinking... I'm sorry, may I?

MICHEL

No.

LORELAI

Go ahead.

TOBIN

Well, if we could get a celebrity in here, that would generate a lot of publicity.

LORELAI

Hm. But how could we get a celebrity in here?

TOBIN

I know Tony Randall and Renee Estevez. I'd be happy to put in a call.

MICHEL

Okay. Look, I hate to bring this up, especially since – I mean, how do you top Renee Estevez? But we have a small number of rooms, yes?

LORELAI

Yes.

MICHEL

And the lobby's fine, and Sookie can make certain things at home – muffins, baked goods, jams, et cetera.

LORELAI

So?

MICHEL

So that's breakfast, and we have beds, and if we add some free wine and cheese around five in the afternoon...

LORELAI

Uh, no. We're not becoming a bed and breakfast. Who's next?

MICHEL

You're being stubborn.

LORELAI

Bed and breakfasts are cutesy and annoying.

SOOKIE

It forces people to mingle.

LORELAI

I do not support the mingling.

MICHEL

Adding a little gimmick will be an incentive for people to keep their reservations.

TOBIN

You know what, I hate to say it, not being a B&B man myself, but Michel is making sense.

MICHEL

Get off my side immediately.

LORELAI

All right, I'll consider it.

MICHEL

Sure, if he says it, you will consider it.

TOM

I gotta show you something.

LORELAI

Is it bad?

TOM

No, it's great. You're gonna be thrilled, really. Warm up, cartwheels are coming.

LORELAI

Keep talking. Be right back.

TOBIN

Excuse me, Lorelai? Listen, I know you're crazed right now, but I also remembered that your birthday is coming up on Friday, and well, I got you a little something.

LORELAI

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

TOBIN

It's very small.

LORELAI

Tobin, I love candles.

TOBIN

And it's scented, cappuccino.

LORELAI

God, that smells great.

TOBIN

I'm really glad you like it.

LORELAI

I do, thanks.

TOBIN

And listen, I'm the night manager here and I'm very proud to be the night manager, but with everything so wacky crazy around here right now, if you need some extra help during the day, please call me.

LORELAI

I may take you up on that offer, Tobin. Thanks.

LORELAI

Stairs squeak.

RORY

Stairs squeak.

LORELAI

There's a chip on the banister.

RORY

Chip on the banister.

LORELAI

The paint's chipped in the archway, and there's a board loose in the entryway. Ooh, and the chimney needs to be swept.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Luke cannot sweep our chimney.

LORELAI

Why not?

RORY

Because you need to be a chimney sweep to sweep a chimney.

LORELAI

Please. If Dick van Dyke can do it, so can Luke.

RORY

Luke is going to be very sorry he ever made this offer to you.

LORELAI

Hey, Luke has given me five free hours of handyman work for my birthday for the last five years.

RORY

And you have grossly exploited that gift every year for the past four years.

LORELAI

Well, I need to make up for that first year where I didn't milk it like I should've.

RORY

The spirit of giving is completely lost on you.

LORELAI

But the spirit of getting is alive and well and it wants its chimney swept. Ooh, put down laundry, too.

RORY

Fine, then can he also build me another bookshelf?

LORELAI

I've never been prouder of you than I am right at this moment.

RORY

And tell him to paint little flowers on it.

LORELAI

‘Cause he's so good with the florals.

RORY

Hello?

PARIS

I finished the paper on Dickinson, the Physics test was for a third grader, and I picked the history of the Egyptian political process as my International History project.

RORY

You've been very busy.

PARIS

I've been very bored.

RORY

When are you coming back to school?

PARIS

My parents return tomorrow. I think my mom's bringing home a new face.

RORY

Really?

PARIS

There's a doctor in France who injects some kind of gel into your head and then molds it to give you better cheekbones.

RORY

You are kidding me.

PARIS

She has to sleep on her back for a month, otherwise her face will flatten like a crepe.

RORY

Oh my God, it's Brazil.

PARIS

Anyway, I'll probably have to go back to school when they get home, so...

RORY

It will be fine.

PARIS

Are people still talking about my meltdown speech?

RORY

No.

PARIS

Great.

RORY

Who cares what they're saying, Paris?

PARIS

Just give me more homework, it will keep my mind off my life.

RORY

There is no more homework. In fact, I think you've almost finished your first year of college.

PARIS

Well, I just can't sit here thinking. I'll go crazy.

RORY

Why don't you go out and do something fun?

PARIS

Like what?

RORY

I don't know, but it's your last day of freedom. Go be wild. Go crazy. Don't think, just do.

PARIS

Do what?

RORY

You're thinking.

PARIS

But –

RORY

Still thinking.

PARIS

What if –

RORY

Paris, don't think.

PARIS

Okay, I won't think.

RORY

I'll see you tomorrow.

LORELAI

Hey, do you think Luke can knock this wall out and build us a bigger kitchen in five hours?

RORY

You'll have to drop the laundry.

LORELAI

Never mind. Oh my God, I'm exhausted.

RORY

Are you too exhausted to talk about birthday week?

LORELAI

I'm never too tired to talk about birthday week.

RORY

Okay, so, Monday I thought we'd start with facials at Sloopy's after school.

LORELAI

Mudpack Monday, I love it.

RORY

Then we'll have double feature Tuesday, Sephora Wednesday, complimentary makeover Thursday, and then, big fat fabulous Friday.

LORELAI

D-day!

RORY

BD-day!

LORELAI

Culminating in the fabulous blowout of a party you're planning.

RORY

Oh, I'm sorry, you wanted a party? I told everyone you didn't wanna make a big deal out of your birthday this year.

LORELAI

You're not funny.

RORY

Miss Patty and Babette wanted to hire these two hot guys to carry you around all day and feed you Bon-Bons, and Kirk wanted to hire the Red Hot Chili Peppers to play a concert in the square, but I said, “Hey, please respect the lady's wishes. She deserves that at her age.”

LORELAI

Why are you so cruel to Mama?

RORY

I have to go.

LORELAI

Where?

RORY

None of your business.

LORELAI

You are planning something for Friday night, aren't you?

RORY

I'll bring back Chinese for dinner.

LORELAI

And you tell people no matter what they say, I just couldn't accept a new car. It would be beneath me and I'd be completely humiliated. And a convertible would just make me fling myself off a building.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

Bye.

LORELAI

[answers phone] Hello?

KAREN

Lorelai Gilmore?

LORELAI

You got her.

KAREN

I'm calling from Richard Gilmore's office.

LORELAI

Never heard of him.

KAREN

Richard Gilmore, your father.

LORELAI

Oh, tall, bow tie?

KAREN

Yes.

LORELAI

Yes, I'm with you now, go ahead.

KAREN

Okay. Well, he'd like to set up an appointment to meet you for coffee. Would tomorrow work for you? Two o'clock?

LORELAI

Well –

RICHARD

Make it three, Karen. I have that conference call at two.

LORELAI

Is that my father?

KAREN

Excuse me?

LORELAI

Put him on the phone, please.

KAREN

But –

LORELAI

Hand it over, honey.

KAREN

I -

LORELAI

Come on, let's go, chop chop.

RICHARD

What are you doing?

KAREN

She wants to talk to you.

RICHARD

Just tell her I'll meet her tomorrow.

KAREN

I tried, it didn't work.

RICHARD

But I pay you to make my appointments.

LORELAI

Dad!

RICHARD

Lorelai, hello.

LORELAI

Are you telling me that you were sitting right next to this woman while she called me?

RICHARD

She is my secretary, Lorelai.

LORELAI

You were sitting right there?

RICHARD

This is the way a proper business is conducted.

LORELAI

Two feet from the phone?

RICHARD

I'm not going to argue with you. Are you available tomorrow or not?

LORELAI

What is this Dad?

RICHARD

I have something I need to discuss with you.

LORELAI

Well, discuss it now.

RICHARD

I don't have the time now.

LORELAI

Well, put Mrs. Huh-wiggins on the phone. Have her tell me.

RICHARD

Please, Lorelai, can you meet me tomorrow at three o'clock or not?

LORELAI

Fine, where?

RICHARD

I will have Karen call you tomorrow to confirm it and tell you the place.

LORELAI

Why can't you just tell me now?

RICHARD

Leave me just a semblance of my structure, please.

LORELAI

Fine. I'll talk to the woman sitting right next to you tomorrow.

FRAN

So, that's a four foot chocolate cake with individual vanilla cupcakes on top spelling out “Happy 16th Birthday Lorelai”?

RORY

That's right.

FRAN

Would you like butter cream or whipped cream frosting on that?

RORY

Can you do both?

FRAN

That's a lot of frosting.

RORY

I know, but it's my mom's favorite part. Once we tried to make a cake entirely out of frosting, which turned out to be better in theory than in actual execution.

FRAN

Well, both frostings it is then. What time do you want to pick it up?

RORY

Miss Patty will pick it up around five.

FRAN

All right, you're all set.

RORY

Thanks, Fran.

LANE

We have a glitch.

RORY

What?

LANE

Well, apparently, the world's largest pizza was 122 feet, 8 inches.

RORY

What?

LANE

It says it right there.

RORY

Well, obviously we can't do that.

LANE

Obviously.

RORY

So, then, we'll have to make it the largest pizza in Connecticut.

LANE

Actually, Litchfield made one last year that was 98 feet.

RORY

Pete said the biggest they could do was a twelve footer.

LANE

Maybe you could make her the world's biggest something else.

RORY

Like what?

LANE

I don't know. Taco?

RORY

I think the world's biggest taco would be a little difficult to serve, don't you?

LANE

Well, it would definitely be more of a commitment.

RORY

We'll just have to tell her it's the world's biggest pizza.

LANE

Lie to her on her birthday?

RORY

It's for her own good. So, how's the music selection coming?

LANE

Good. I've decided to choose one song from each year in Lorelai's life. I'm almost done, though I've hit a snag in 1974.

RORY

Bad year?

LANE

It's making the year of the Macarena look inspired.

RORY

Hey, can you stash this at your house ‘til the party? It's just favors and stuff. [hands Lane some shopping bags]

LANE

Ironic, isn't it? You having to hide things at my house for a change.

RORY

Life has come full circle. [they run into Jess walking out of the video store]

JESS

Hey.

RORY

Hey.

JESS

I got the video for tonight.

RORY

What'd you get?

JESS

Almost Famous.

RORY

No, not again.

JESS

I can't help it, I'm addicted.

RORY

Fine, but if I'm going to spend two hours sitting there watching Kate Hudson commit suicide again, then we are ordering Indian food.

JESS

Oh, come on.

RORY

Hey, last night when we watched Ed Wood we got burgers like you wanted to.

JESS

Okay, fine – tonight, Indian food, but tomorrow, Saturday Night Fever and Thai food.

LANE

That's so cute. You're like a really sweet old agoraphobic couple.

JESS

Thank you very much.

LANE

Okay, I've gotta go. Bye.

RORY

Bye.

JESS

So, it's been a couple days since you made the big decision. You still going to Yale?

RORY

Yes, I am. It's got all the classes I want and some really great teachers, and plus, you know, as an added bonus, it's really close to here.

JESS

22.8 miles.

RORY

How'd you know that?

JESS

Do you Yahoo?

RORY

You looked it up?

JESS

Yeah.

RORY

You looked it up.

JESS

I just hit a couple buttons on the computer.

RORY

You looked it up.

JESS

I was bored. There was nothing on TV and I was fooling around, it was something to do, that's it.

RORY

You looked it up.

TAYLOR

I'd like the wording to be a little harsher.

NICOLE

Taylor, it already says that if Aunt Tilly's Taffy delivers even two hours late, they forfeit all payment for that particular shipment and are liable for any loss of income that may result from that late delivery. It's pretty extreme.

TAYLOR

Well, it may seem extreme, but these candy people are shifty characters.

NICOLE

Why don't we leave the wording like it is for now and see how things go? We can always get tougher later if necessary.

LUKE

Yeah, you can send over a couple of Oompa Loompas to kick the crap out of Aunt Tilly.

TAYLOR

Are you still dating him?

NICOLE

Yes, I am.

TAYLOR

Why?

NICOLE

Oh, Taylor.

TAYLOR

I mean, if you're lonely, I have a nephew I would love to introduce to you. He just got back from a three-year stint in a biosphere in Arizona. Can I give him your number?

LUKE

No.

TAYLOR

I'm not talking to you.

LUKE

It's my lucky day. Is he done?

TAYLOR

All right, fine. We'll leave it your way and see how it works out. [leaves]

LUKE

So, listen, after I dispose of Taylor's body, are we hitting a movie tonight?

NICOLE

Yeah, we are.

LUKE

Okay.

NICOLE

Uh, Luke, could you sit for a second, please?

LUKE

I could.

NICOLE

Could you do it soon?

LUKE

Okay, listen, if I sit down, are we gonna have the conversation?

NICOLE

The conversation?

LUKE

Yeah, you know, the conversation.

NICOLE

Luke, please.

LUKE

Here comes the conversation.

NICOLE

My parents are coming into town and I am going to have lunch with them and I thought maybe you'd like to join me.

LUKE

Join you?

NICOLE

What do you say?

LUKE

It's not that I don't wanna meet your parents, it's just that I haven't met any parents for a long time.

NICOLE

Well, you don't have to. I'm just giving you the option.

JESS

Jeez, man, just meet her parents already.

LUKE

Do you mind?

JESS

So what if they hate you? You've been there before.

NICOLE

You know what, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you on the spot.

LUKE

I'm not on the spot. Really, I'm completely off the spot. I'm spotless. Uh, what time's the lunch?

NICOLE

Two o'clock on Thursday.

LUKE

Two o'clock on Thursday. Okay, two o'clock on Thursday, I'll be there.

NICOLE

That's great. So I'll see you tonight?

LUKE

I'll see you tonight.

JESS

I have to go.

LUKE

Where?

JESS

School.

LUKE

Oh, school, okay. Well, have a good day... at school.

JESS

I will.

MADELINE

Mills College.

LOUISE

Isn't that the one where all those girls with bad hair cried because they were gonna let boys in?

MADELINE

Yes.

LOUISE

And why are you going there?

MADELINE

It's the one that took me.

LOUISE

But why'd you apply?

MADELINE

I needed a fallback option.

LOUISE

Well, fall back, baby, right into some big mama's loving arms.

MADELINE

Ooh, how depressing. Let's talk about you, did you decide?

LOUISE

Last night.

MADELINE

Brandeis?

LOUISE

Tulane.

MADELINE

The Big Easy.

LOUISE

Enough said.

RORY

Oh, Paris, hi, you're back. I... oh my God. What happened to your nose?

MADELINE

You had it done.

LOUISE

Finally.

PARIS

I did not have it done.

RORY

Did you fall?

PARIS

No, I didn't fall. I had it pierced.

MADELINE

You what?

LOUISE

Oh my God.

RORY

Why would you do that?

PARIS

Because you told me to go out and do something crazy.

RORY

Yes, but I meant have some ice cream, go see three movies, buy a new purse. I didn't mean go poke a third hold in your nose.

PARIS

Well, I didn't buy a new purse, I pierced my nose. And within an hour of having it done, my nose swelled up to four times its normal size, blocking all nasal passage, making it impossible to breathe. I went to the emergency room, where they pried the thing out of my nose and shot me up with antibiotics. I spent the night with an ice pack strapped to my face.

RORY

Oh, Paris.

PARIS

It seems that I was allergic to the crap metal hoop that I paid $19.95 to have jammed into my nose.

LOUISE

Did you take a picture?

PARIS

No, Louise, I did not take a picture. I was a little busy trying to get air to my brain cells, a burden you've not yet faced.

RORY

Paris, I'm so sorry. I . . [cell phone rings]... I didn't... [answers phone] Hello?

PETE

Rorino, good, I caught ya. Okay, there's a bit of a design flaw in the pizza here.

RORY

What kind of design flaw?

PETE

I'm a little concerned that the crust is not gonna be able to support all the toppings we talked about. We might need to put in a second crust.

RORY

A second crust?

PETE

About three-quarters of the way in, sort of like a retaining wall.

RORY

What about just making the crust thicker?

PETE

Okay, we're brainstorming, I got it. A thicker crust, a thicker crust, that might do it. Uh, let me noodle around with that for awhile and get back to you.

RORY

Okay. Bye Pete. [hangs up]

PARIS

[to boy] I will not let you look at my nose for ten dollars, you sick job. Beat it, now! Come back when you have a twenty. [to Rory] What? Just making lemonade here.

LORELAI

I'm coming!

LORELAI

Aw! [there's another knock] Coming.

LORELAI

Hiya.

LUKE

Your slave is here.

LORELAI

And where's the French maid outfit I requested?

LUKE

I've got it on under the plaid.

LORELAI

So what else is new?

LUKE

So, how does it feel to be a year older?

LORELAI

Uh, I'm not a year older until Friday, Fifi.

LUKE

What the hell is this?

LORELAI

My birthday Mallomars.

LUKE

She says like I should just know this.

LORELAI

Here's your list. [hands him a notepad]

LUKE

What's wrong with the garbage disposal?

LORELAI

It's not disposing.

LUKE

Next.

LORELAI

You're so good!

LUKE

Did you ever consider the possibility of just pulling the spoon out yourself?

LORELAI

I did consider it, yes. Do you wanna start upstairs or down? ‘Cause there's actually more to do upstairs this time for some reason.

LUKE

What'd you just do?

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

You put the cookie down.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

You ate the cookie, and then you took a cookie out of the box and put it where the cookie you just ate was.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

Well, that's nuts.

LORELAI

Rory made this for me, I don't wanna ruin it.

LUKE

Then why'd you eat the cookie?

LORELAI

‘Cause I wanted a Mallomar.

LUKE

But why didn't you just eat one out of the box?

LORELAI

‘Cause this one was right here. The box was all the way in the cupboard.

LUKE

But you had to go to the cupboard to get the box to replace the cookie you ate off the table.

LORELAI

So?

LUKE

Looking at the list now. Okay, stairs, gutters, da-duh-da-duh-da, electrical outlet. Which one?

LORELAI

In the bathroom.

LUKE

By the sink or by the bathtub?

LORELAI

Bathtub.

LUKE

Okay. So, I can do most of this list today, but, uh, I can't put up the towel rack until later. I didn't bring my drill.

LORELAI

Heh –

LUKE

Dirty, yes, I know.

LORELAI

Um, that's okay, I'll be here tomorrow afternoon if you wanna come by then.

LUKE

I can't tomorrow, I'm having lunch with Nicole's parents.

LORELAI

Really?

LUKE

They're coming into town.

LORELAI

Okay.

LUKE

So Nicole thought I should meet them.

LORELAI

Makes sense.

LUKE

Yeah, well, you know, we've been seeing each other fairly regular now, so... makes sense.

LORELAI

Yeah, I think it's great.

LUKE

Yeah, I do, too. I should get started upstairs. By the way...

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

You were right about Jess.

LORELAI

What about Jess?

LUKE

He's not going to school.

LORELAI

Are you sure?

LUKE

Yup. I watched him head right toward the school and when he thought no one was watching him, he got in his car and drove off. So I got in my truck and followed him.

LORELAI

Where?

LUKE

To Wal-Mart.

LORELAI

Oh.

LUKE

He's been lying to me this whole time.

LORELAI

What are you gonna do?

LUKE

I'm gonna tell him that I know what he's been doing, remind him that we had an agreement, that he's supposed to go to school, that he's supposed to graduate from school, and then... I'm gonna tell him I know what he's been doing.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, Luke.

LUKE

Yeah, well. I'm gonna be upstairs.

LORELAI

Okay. Call if you need anything.

JACKSON

Rory!

RORY

Hey, Jackson. Listen, could you –

JACKSON

What do you think you're doing?

RORY

Oh, well, I'm trying to transport all the sodas for the party in one trip, which seemed a little silly when I first come up with the idea and it's rapidly growing in its stupidity.

JACKSON

You know, I never took you for being thoughtless, but I guess I was wrong.

RORY

What are you talking about? I got the sugarless Red Bull just like you like.

JACKSON

You really hurt Sookie, you know that?

RORY

Why, what did I do?

JACKSON

What did you do, what did you do? Hm, let me see, what did you do?

RORY

Uh, Jackson, if you could stop moving around, it'd be a lot easier.

JACKSON

You know, I just heard you're making the world's largest pizza for Lorelai's birthday party, is that true?

RORY

Yes.

JACKSON

And it doesn't occur to you to consult Sookie?

RORY

Oh. Oh no.

JACKSON

The woman is a gourmet chef and Lorelai's best friend in the world, and you don't include her in this?

RORY

But Sookie's an artist – pizzas didn't really seem to be her thing.

JACKSON

Everything's her thing, young lady.

RORY

Jackson, I swear, I would never purposely hurt Sookie. Besides, it's not the world's largest pizza. It's not even the tri-county area's largest pizza.

JACKSON

I have a sobbing pregnant woman at home, which is not unusual, except this time I didn't cause it!

RORY

I'm so, so sorry.

JACKSON

And by the way, there wouldn't happen to be vegetables on that pizza, would there?

RORY

Well...

JACKSON

Because I don't know if you got the memo or not, but I happen to be a produce man.

RORY

And a darn good one at that.

JACKSON

Yet, I don't remember a call asking me to handle the vegetables. Was there a call? Did I just miss it? Was I out?

RORY

Well, you see, the veggies were included in the price, so it just...

JACKSON

Hm. [storms off]

RORY

Jackson, I'm sorry!

JACKSON

I hope you and your world's largest pizza will be very happy together!

RORY

It's not the largest pizza in the world! We may beat Woodbridge, but that's it, I swear!

RICHARD

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

LORELAI

Everything okay?

RICHARD

Oh, yes. I just had a few calls to make that took up a bit more time than I had anticipated. Have you been here long?

LORELAI

Twenty minutes and two pieces of pie.

RICHARD

Amazing. Well, then, let's get right down to it, shall we?

WAITRESS

Can I get you something to drink?

RICHARD

Uh, iced tea, please.

WAITRESS

Another cup of coffee, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Thanks, Sarie.

RICHARD

So, Lorelai.

LORELAI

So, Dad.

RICHARD

I appreciate you taking the time out to meet me like this.

LORELAI

And I appreciate you actually showing up and not sending your secretary.

RICHARD

I assume you're wondering why I asked you here.

LORELAI

Not at all.

RICHARD

Well, I have something for you. [places an envelope on the table]

LORELAI

Is it a hat?

RICHARD

No.

LORELAI

Is it a purse?

RICHARD

No.

LORELAI

Horse?

RICHARD

Lorelai.

LORELAI

George Foreman Grill?

RICHARD

When you were born, I decided to celebrate, so as soon as your mother went to sleep, I left the hospital, I called my business manager and I made a real estate investment.

LORELAI

You do know how to party, don't you?

RICHARD

I made this investment in your name.

LORELAI

Wow, most people just buy a stuffed bear. This is better.

RICHARD

I thought so. Anyhow, a little while ago, I got a letter from a lawyer who is representing the investment group informing me that the government is building a road right through the middle of your investment.

LORELAI

Sad.

RICHARD

Which means that the complex has been sold and all the investors will be receiving a check.

LORELAI

Happy.

RICHARD

Since you are one of the investors...

LORELAI

I get a check?

RICHARD

You get a check.

LORELAI

Wow! That's... [opens the envelope] Seventy-five thousand dollars?

RICHARD

Yes, it is.

LORELAI

I get seventy-five thousand dollars for being born?

RICHARD

I thought it would be a pleasant surprise.

LORELAI

This is seventy-five thousand dollars. Seventy-five... do you have a pen?

RICHARD

Why, yes, I do.

LORELAI

Seventy-five thousand dollars. Seventy-five thousand dollars. Oh my God, that's like 150 pairs of Jimmy Choos.

RICHARD

What are Jimmy Choos?

LORELAI

Shoes.

RICHARD

150 pairs, that's it?

LORELAI

Dad, they're Jimmy Choos.

RICHARD

For seventy-five thousand dollars, you should be able to buy at least three or four hundred pairs of shoes.

LORELAI

Not Jimmy Choos.

RICHARD

But that's ridiculous. You are not going to spend seventy-five thousand dollars on Jimmy Choos when you could buy four hundred pairs of less prestigious but I'm sure equally stylish shoes. You will shop around first. Is that clear?

LORELAI

Yes, sir.

RICHARD

All right, then. It's settled.

LORELAI

Listen, Dad, this money isn't, um...

RICHARD

Isn't what?

LORELAI

It isn't some kind of gift, is it?

RICHARD

Gift?

LORELAI

Like a birthday gift. Because if it is, it's too much and I can't –

RICHARD

This isn't a gift. I made this investment in your name. You received a check, that's the way these things work. Legally, I'm obligated to give you that. This isn't charity or generosity, it is the law.

LORELAI

It's the law that I get to keep seventy-five thousand dollars.

RICHARD

Enjoy the shoes.

LORELAI

We could buy a boat.

RORY

We could, but why?

LORELAI

Because rich people always have a boat.

RORY

We could park it in the front yard.

LORELAI

Yeah, like white trash rich people.

RORY

God, this is amazing. No more clipping coupons.

LORELAI

No more picking loose change up from the ground. No more driving around looking for cheap gas.

RORY

Which totally defeats the purpose since you wind up using more gas looking for the cheap gas.

LORELAI

Seventy-five thousand dollars. I feel so rich. And suddenly in complete agreement with everything Bush has to say.

LORELAI

I'll get it.

RORY

No!

LORELAI

Ah, more secret birthday calls.

RORY

Not everything is about you. It could be Jess.

LORELAI

It's about me.

RORY

It could be Lane.

LORELAI

It's about me.

RORY

It could be Paris, it could be Madeline, it could be Louise, it could be a myriad of other people wanting only to talk to me about me.

LORELAI

It's about me.

RORY

Hello?

PETE

Rory, we got a big problemo.

RORY

What's the matter, Pete?

PETE

We did a trial run of the pizza. You know, just wanna make sure everything was right there for the big day, you know.

RORY

I appreciate that.

PETE

So we made a trial pizza, and Kirk built a pizza rack on top of his car, you with me?

RORY

Like a bad habit, Pete.

PETE

So as Kirk's putting the pizza on the rack, the thing collapses, the pizza slips, long story short – Kirk has got some severe cheese burns.

RORY

Oh my God, is he all right?

KIRK

Ow.

PETE

Who knows? The point is...

KIRK

Oh.

PETE

I think the pizza needs to be cheeseless.

RORY

What?

PETE

And possibly sauceless.

RORY

Pete.

PETE

The thing's a hazard, babe.

RORY

Pete, did it ever occur to you that the problem may not be the pizza, it may be Kirk?

PETE

Did not occur to me.

RORY

Well, it should have.

PETE

Okay.

RORY

The pizza has to have cheese and sauce, otherwise, it's not a pizza. It's bread.

PETE

Okay, look, if you're gonna insist on the cheese and the sauce, you're gonna have to provide the transportation yourself.

RORY

Fine, Pete, I will figure something out.

PETE

Roger wilco, senorita.

LORELAI

Who was it?

RORY

Astrid from school. She's leaving for Europe for a week and she wants me to take notes and email her everything. She's afraid she's gonna fall behind.

LORELAI

It was about me.

JESS

Hey.

LUKE

Hey. You're home late.

JESS

Traffic.

LUKE

Traffic, right, okay. So, you hungry?

JESS

I'm meeting Rory.

LUKE

Want me to make you guys some sandwiches?

JESS

So we can brown bag it on our date? I don't think so.

LUKE

Just offering. How was work?

JESS

The cleaned-up version of The Eminem Show seems to be selling pretty well, so the world is basically coming to an end.

LUKE

So listen, I, um, wanna talk to you about something.

JESS

Talk.

LUKE

Could you stop grooming for just a second please?

JESS

I'm already late.

LUKE

Look, I was doing some thinking about your situation.

JESS

My situation?

LUKE

Yeah, you know, you're working here, you're working at Wal-Mart, you're dating Rory, going to school. It just seems like a lot. You ever worry that if a bird flies into your head it might never get out again?

JESS

I've got everything under control.

LUKE

Yeah, I'm sure you do. I just thought maybe I could make things a little easier.

JESS

How?

LUKE

Well, I could, uh, give you a raise at the diner.

JESS

A raise?

LUKE

Yeah. And maybe help out with some of the, you know, bigger money burdens, like your car insurance.

JESS

Why would you wanna do that?

LUKE

So you can quit your job at Wal-Mart.

JESS

No way.

LUKE

But you'd still be making money, and this way, you'd get to spend more time on Rory and school.

JESS

I'm fine.

LUKE

Jess, come on.

JESS

No.

LUKE

Jess, just take the deal.

JESS

I have to change.

LUKE

I know you're not going to school.

JESS

What?

LUKE

I saw you get in your car and drive off.

JESS

You spying on me?

LUKE

You lied to me!

JESS

Once in awhile I take an extra shift, it's nothing.

LUKE

You have to go to school, Jess.

JESS

I go enough.

LUKE

What does that mean?

JESS

It means I go enough. It's public school. My history teacher is also the football coach, get the picture?

LUKE

Jess, we had a deal. You go to school, you graduate.

JESS

I know. Relax. I got it all under control. I have to change.

LUKE

Jess.

LORELAI

That's right, breakfast is included. Then at five, we invite all the guests to the lobby for complimentary wine and cheese and mingling... Yes, it is kind of like a B&B... Okay, great. We'll see you and Sweetie then. Bye.

TOBIN

Any thoughts? So, as you know, we have to get this place up and running as quickly as possible for as little money as possible. So last night I pulled out the old Time Life series, and I have to admit, there's some pretty terrific ideas in here. For example, we can putty up the cracks in the drywall and then give the lower part of the wall a good coat of paint. Then we can take a strip of wallpaper, put it around the top, thus creating sort of a border, if you will. Also, I gathered up all the broken China from the dining room because I read here in Martha that chipped teacups make great votive holders, and we all know, when in doubt, it's candles, candles, candles, right? So I cleaned them up, filled them with tealights, and I think they look terrific. Oh, the pieces that were too far gone to save, I just smashed them up and used the pieces to make this nice picture frame.

LORELAI

Ah, that's a great idea, Tobin, really.

MICHEL

Uh, Lorelai. I have a little something for you.

LORELAI

For me?

MICHEL

Yes. I wasn't sure it would get here in time since I ordered it from Madrid, but thank God it made it. Happy birthday. [hands her a gift bag]

LORELAI

You bought me a present?

MICHEL

Yes.

LORELAI

You've never bought me a present.

MICHEL

I have, too.

LORELAI

Not once in the five years I've known you have you ever –

MICHEL

Just open up the bag, please.

LORELAI

Oh, Michel, it's beautiful.

MICHEL

Yes, well, I wanted it to be special, you know. Not just some knick- knack you could pick up at the supermarket or the car wash.

LORELAI

Well, it's great. I love it. I must say, I feel very spoiled. A beautiful day book, cappuccino candle.

TOBIN

Oh, that reminds me, I got you something else. [walks over to the front desk]

LORELAI

What? Tobin, you already gave me a gift.

TOBIN

No, that was a pre-gift.

MICHEL

A what?

TOBIN

Hold on. [to Michel] Why don't you scooch just a little bit for me?

LORELAI

Tobin, this is too much.

TOBIN

Yes, it is, but I saw it and it just screamed Lorelai.

LORELAI

Okay, well... God, this is exciting. I love my birthday.

TOBIN

I hope it fits.

MICHEL

Fits?

LORELAI

Tobin, it's amazing.

TOBIN

That is the jacket that Joe Strummer wore during the 1979 Pearl Harbor tour.

LORELAI

No.

TOBIN

Yes.

MICHEL

Who is Joe Strummer?

LORELAI

Tell me you're kidding.

MICHEL

Who is Joe Strummer?

LORELAI

You did not get me this.

MICHEL

Is he a Hell's Angel man?

TOBIN

Joe Strummer is from The Clash.

LORELAI

The Clash is a band.

TOBIN

And a band is a –

MICHEL

I know what a band is.

LORELAI

He just died, and Rory and Lane have been in mourning for months, and now I have his jacket. And, oh my God, this is by far the coolest thing I have ever gotten. God. Oh, smell it, it smells like Joe.

MICHEL

Well, this is wonderful, to smell like a dead guy. You'll have to beat them off with a stick.

TOBIN

And there's a letter of authenticity in the bag, and a picture of Joe wearing the jacket, and also, they threw in a beret just for the heck of it.

LORELAI

Tobin, you are getting a hug!

TOBIN

Well, I'd fight it, but what's the point, right?

MICHEL

I have to run an errand.

LORELAI

Why, where you going?

MICHEL

Just be here when I get back.

LORELAI

Oh, I just love this jacket.

MR. LEAHY

Nicole, you're being –

NICOLE

I am not being stubborn.

MR. LEAHY

You didn't let me get the stubborn out.

MRS. LEAHY

Luke, would you like a blini?

LUKE

No, thank you.

MR. LEAHY

When you sign up to become a surrogate mother, you enter into a business agreement, and the rules of business should apply. You as a lawyer should understand that.

NICOLE

As a lawyer, I do understand that. As a human being, I also understand that when a woman's alone –

MR. LEAHY

Here we go.

NICOLE

And in need of money, can do things that she'll later regret.

MRS. LEAHY

I could get you some cheese.

NICOLE

You cannot force a mother to give up her child.

MR. LEAHY

If she signed a paper saying, “On April the 12th I am giving birth and whatever comes out, I'm handing to you... ”

NICOLE

What a lovely way to put that.

MR. LEAHY

And you pay her money and her medical expenses...

MRS. LEAHY

They always do this. They pick a subject and they argue until dinner, then they call a truce and they pick it back up for dessert. I could get you some nuts.

NICOLE

Okay, enough. I don't wanna argue with you anymore.

MR. LEAHY

What can I do with her, Luke? I ask you.

LUKE

Oh, well, uh, probably not much.

MRS. LEAHY

So Luke, I feel like we've been ignoring you.

LUKE

Oh, that's okay.

MRS. LEAHY

Nicole told us you've never been married.

NICOLE

Or we could talk about how he owns his own diner. That's a good opening topic.

MRS. LEAHY

Hush, sweetheart. You just sit there and pretend to be ashamed of us.

LUKE

Uh, no, I have never been married.

MRS. LEAHY

But someday, maybe, right? Marriage, children?

NICOLE

She means eventually and with the woman of your choice. They will not be involved in the picking.

MRS. LEAHY

Because there is nothing more wonderful than marriage.

NICOLE

You know, the others escaped out the bathroom window. Just a tip.

MRS. LEAHY

And then children. Well, there's nothing more rewarding than children. You just can't imagine until you've been there.

MR. LEAHY

That's true. And this one here made everything in life worth it.

MRS. LEAHY

The whole experience is like the most fabulous roller coaster ride you can imagine. From the time they're born to that first step. The first word. The first time they hug you. The first time they pick out their own outfits.

LUKE

The first time they tell you they're going to school and then you follow them, and they get in their car and drive to Wal-Mart.

MR. LEAHY

Wal-Mart?

LUKE

And they think you don't know. They think you're just a moron and you're going, “Hey, they must be telling me the truth, right?” And they don't think that maybe you know that they're lying to your face and that you're really mad because you guys had an agreement.

MRS. LEAHY

Oh dear.

LUKE

And that agreement was clear, very clear. And they know that breaking that agreement is a violation of everything you had talked about. Oh yeah, that is cute. That's just darling. I can't wait to experience that again. [pause] I'm sorry, did someone mention cheese?

RORY

Hey guys.

PETE

Rory, good, just the lady we're looking for. We have a plan.

RORY

Good, ‘cause I've got a check.

PETE

We've solved the problem of transporting the big pizza thing.

KIRK

I was of little help since I'm currently in excruciating pain.

PETE

Instead of this whole one huge pizza concept, we're gonna do a hundred little pizzas all sitting next to each other.

RORY

What?

JOE

Like a pizza doily.

RORY

I don't want a pizza doily.

PETE

Okay, less a doily, more of a collage.

RORY

I don't want a pizza collage either.

JOE

Hey guys, I got another idea. How about we put the pizzas together, and then put pepperonis over the open spots.

PETE

So it looks like one big pizza, tricky.

RORY

Okay, hold on.

JOE

Or we could put cheese over the holes.

KIRK

Please don't say the C- word.

RORY

Guys.

PETE

Cheese might fall through the holes.

JOE

We can use slices.

PETE

That'll work.

RORY

That will not work!

PETE

Hey, Rory.

RORY

No. Now you three listen to me. We agreed that this was going to be the world's largest pizza. That was the concept. Now I realize it can't be the world's largest pizza because that pizza was insane, but it is still going to be large. Very large. Crazy large.

PETE

But we –

RORY

No buts! That was the concept – get back to the concept! This is not Gangs of New York now with Cameron Diaz. This is Gangs of New York twenty years ago with Meryl Streep as Scorsese originally imagined it. Come back, refocus, remember the goal. Am I making myself clear?

JOE

Cameron Diaz is hot.

RORY

Not the point, Joe.

JOE

Okay, jeez.

RORY

Now tonight is my mother's birthday party and the whole town is going to be there and they are expecting music, favors, and a really large pizza and they will not be disappointed. I don't care how you do it, just do it!

KIRK

Somehow I can't picture Meryl Streep with Leonardo Dicaprio.

LUKE

I really am sorry, Nicole. Your parents must think I'm a lunatic.

NICOLE

No, I don't think lunatic was one of the words they used. But they have a very extensive vocabulary, so there may just not have been time.

LUKE

It's the first time I meet them and I just... Jess was driving me crazy and...

NICOLE

I know this. I told them this.

LUKE

I swear, when they come back into town, I will do better.

JESS

I'm going to school. [leaves]

NICOLE

They may not be back in town for several months.

LUKE

Whenever.

NICOLE

Whenever? So I can make another lunch date with my parents even though it's several months away?

LUKE

Sure, make it.

NICOLE

Okay, I'll make it.

LUKE

Tell ‘em I've gotten some medication, I'm much better now.

NICOLE

I'll do that.

JESS

Get off the phone!

LUKE

What?

JESS

I need the phone, get off the phone!

LUKE

What's the matter?

JESS

Someone stole my car.

LUKE

Nicole, I'm gonna have to call you back. [hangs up] What do you mean somebody stole your car?

JESS

I parked it right around the corner and now it's gone.

LUKE

Why would you park it around the corner?

JESS

Because that's where I parked it. How the hell can the police department have an answering machine? [hangs up the phone]

LUKE

Look, let's just calm down.

JESS

Who would steal that car? It hardly ran.

LUKE

Well, you know these chop shops, they can make a buck out of anything.

JESS

I am gonna kill whoever did this. I'm gonna find them and kill them.

LUKE

Listen, just go on over to school, I'll take care of anything.

JESS

No, I gotta talk to the cops.

LUKE

I'll do that, go. You know, you don't wanna be late to your first class, right?

JESS

Well, yeah, but –

LUKE

I mean, you were planning on going to school, right?

JESS

Right.

LUKE

Okay, well, then just walk on over to school and I'll take care of the rest.

JESS

Fine.

LUKE

All right, have a good day. Study hard, don't worry. Just leave the car to me.

ALL

[singing] Happy birthday dear Lorelai, happy birthday to you.

EMILY

You can take the cake into the kitchen now, Teresa.

LORELAI

Wait, aren't I supposed to blow them out?

EMILY

Oh, Teresa can do that.

LORELAI

Mom, it's tradition for the person whose name is on the cake to do the blowing.

EMILY

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought only children liked to do that. Should we bring it back out and relight it?

LORELAI

No.

RICHARD

Well, would you like to make a wish and blow out the tapers?

LORELAI

Why am I being mocked on my birthday?

RORY

Because that's the Gilmore way.

LORELAI

Huh.

EMILY

Let's move into the living room for our dessert, shall we?

LORELAI

Let's shall.

LORELAI

[quietly to Rory] How're we doing on time?

RORY

We've got time for cake.

LORELAI

Are you sure? ‘Cause I don't wanna miss the fancy party you're throwing me.

RORY

Don't worry, it's not that fancy.

EMILY

What are the two of you whispering about?

LORELAI

Nothing.

RICHARD

Champagne?

LORELAI

Trying to get me drunk so I forget that you wouldn't let me blow out my own candles?

EMILY

Oh, dear, is this going to be another one of those stories that you tell people for the rest of your life like the bunny story?

LORELAI

His name was Murray, Mom.

RICHARD

Oh, Emily, you had to bring that up.

LORELAI

How could you think I wouldn't notice you gave away my rabbit?

EMILY

Because you were four and terrified of the thing.

LORELAI

I was not terrified, I simply respected his space.

RICHARD

You slept in the maid's room for a week.

LORELAI

I wonder where Murray is now.

RICHARD

In a shoebox somewhere, I assume.

RORY

Grandpa.

LORELAI

Very nice, and on my birthday.

RICHARD

Once again, a toast to Lorelai on her 36th birthday.

LORELAI

35th.

RICHARD

Really?

LORELAI

You're doing the math?

RICHARD

Right, sorry. To Lorelai on her 35th birthday.

RORY

Hear, hear.

LORELAI

Thank you for the toast, thank you for the dinner, and, uh, in the spirit of the evening – Mom, I have something for you.

EMILY

For me? It's not my birthday.

LORELAI

I know, but here. [hands Emily an envelope]

RICHARD

Oh.

EMILY

What is this?

LORELAI

It's from Murray. It's taken him this long to write it partially ‘cause of the hurt and pain and partially ‘cause he has paws.

EMILY

What is this?

LORELAI

That is what I owe you.

EMILY

What you owe me?

LORELAI

For Rory's school. I promised you I'd pay you back and now I have, every cent. Thank you again for helping us out. There's no way Rory would be going to Yale if it wasn't for this money, if it wasn't for you.

EMILY

You're welcome.

LORELAI

Okay, so...

EMILY

You must be very relieved.

LORELAI

Excuse me?

EMILY

Your debt is paid, you owe us nothing.

LORELAI

Well, yeah.

EMILY

You don't need us anymore.

LORELAI

Um, I didn't say –

EMILY

You don't have to deal with us. You don't have to come over for Friday night dinners. It all works out beautifully, doesn't it?

LORELAI

This isn't about that, Mom.

EMILY

Oh no?

LORELAI

No, I owed you money and I paid you back.

EMILY

I don't want it.

LORELAI

I can't believe you're mad that I'm paying you back.

EMILY

I'm not mad, I just think it's extremely unkind of you to use this occasion to inform me you won't be coming over anymore.

LORELAI

I didn't say that.

EMILY

This says that!

LORELAI

Mom, let me ask you something – wouldn't you rather we came over here because we wanted to, not because of some threat you're holding over our heads?

EMILY

Oh, and you would come here voluntarily?

LORELAI

I always said I would pay you back. This is not a surprise.

EMILY

No, it certainly isn't.

LORELAI

I was trying to do a good thing here. When Dad gave me the money, one of the first things that jumped into my head was to -

EMILY

When Dad gave you the money? When Dad gave her the money?

RICHARD

Now, Emily –

EMILY

You gave her this?

RICHARD

It was her money.

LORELAI

It was from that investment, Mom.

RICHARD

I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of this.

LORELAI

Why are you mad at me?

RICHARD

I told you not to tell your mother about that money.

LORELAI

When did you tell me that?

RICHARD

At lunch.

LORELAI

You did not.

RICHARD

I did, too.

LORELAI

Dad, I swear you didn't tell me not to tell Mom.

RICHARD

Why do you think I met you in the day at a restaurant, Lorelai? Think.

LORELAI

I –

EMILY

You kept this from me, Richard?

RICHARD

I knew you would be upset.

EMILY

You lied to me.

RICHARD

I had to give it to her. I was legally obligated.

EMILY

You're also legally obligated to your wife.

LORELAI

Mom –

EMILY

Don't you talk to me!

RICHARD

Now, you're overreacting.

EMILY

Don't you talk to me either!

LORELAI

Don't be mad at Dad.

RICHARD

Stay out of this!

LORELAI

I just –

RICHARD

Well, don't!

LORELAI

Mom, please. Just because I gave you this money doesn't mean we're never gonna come over here again. We will come over. Maybe not every week, but there will be the occasional Friday night dinners.

EMILY

No, there won't.

RORY

Grandma –

EMILY

I don't need anybody doing me any favors. You are released from your obligation, Lorelai. Have a nice birthday, have a nice life, I'm going to bed.

LORELAI

Dad –

RICHARD

Not now!

LORELAI

You're quiet. I know they were upset, hon, but trust me, they'll calm down.

RORY

Why did you do that?

LORELAI

Excuse me?

RORY

Just giving them that check like that.

LORELAI

Rory, I borrowed that money.

RORY

I know you did, but you had to have known that they'd get upset. You had to know that Grandma would take it personally.

LORELAI

Well, what would you have me do, not pay them back?

RORY

Maybe.

LORELAI

Maybe?

RORY

Well, they didn't want the money back.

LORELAI

It's not the point.

RORY

Well, it's kind of the point.

LORELAI

No, Rory, it's not the point at all.

RORY

They were throwing you a party, Mom.

LORELAI

Sorry, did I miss something? Did I dance around saying “nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah” when I gave her the check?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Did, did I not thank her – genuinely thank her for everything?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Did I not credit your getting into Yale with them giving us that money?

RORY

Yes, but –

LORELAI

Unh uh, no buts. Listen Rory, I'm not sure if you're aware of how hard it has been for me these past three years to be indebted to my parents. I decided a long time ago that I was gonna live my life without their help, but I went to them and I took their money and I'm not sorry I did, it was the right thing for you, but I don't need their help anymore.

RORY

Fine, but you don't have to just throw it in their faces like that.

LORELAI

I paid back a loan. You're supposed to pay back a loan. I have Polonius and then entire banking system on my side.

RORY

I just think you could've done it differently.

LORELAI

How?

RORY

I don't know.

LORELAI

Take a shot.

RORY

I don't know.

LORELAI

Rory, my relationship with my parents is very different from your relationship with them. You only know the warm and fuzzy Richard and Emily, and I only want you to know the warm and fuzzy Richard and Emily because they're your grandparents and they love you, but I have a different history with them and it was not all warm and it was definitely not all fuzzy. So do not judge me for repaying a loan that I always intended to repay, that I told them from the beginning I would repay, that I had to repay. I will not let them make me feel guilty for doing that and I will not let you make me feel guilty for doing that either.

RORY

I'm sorry.

LORELAI

It's okay.

LORELAI

Oh my God. What is that?

RORY

The world's largest pizza. Almost.

LORELAI

That is amazing.

RORY

You like it?

LORELAI

I love it. Thank you honey. Hey, what happened to Kirk?