T3E19: “Keg! Max!”

LORELAI

Oh, I know! How about... no.

RORY

No, no, you can't keep doing that. You can't just start a thought and then say no. Finish them or don't start them at all.

LORELAI

You're very totalitarian today.

RORY

No, it just drives me crazy. It's like if you do "shave and a haircut" without the last part, you know?

LORELAI

Come on, do it.

RORY

Will you stop giving me half-finished thoughts?

LORELAI

I promise. Come on, do it.

RORY

Two bits.

LORELAI

Thank you.

RORY

Now what were you thinking?

LORELAI

Pizza and TV.

RORY

That's our fallback.

LORELAI

That's why I said not, I remembered it was our fallback.

RORY

When did we become so old and pathetic?

LORELAI

Hey, hey, we're neither. We're momentarily stuck on what to do tonight.

RORY

It's a Friday night. We should be out, I don't know, partying with the homies.

LORELAI

Our Stars Hollow homies are all in bed by now.

RORY

Not Kirk. He'll be playing video trivia at the pizza place. We could go and watch.

LORELAI

Okay, we're old and pathetic. How did it come to this?

RORY

Well, it's our first Friday night that we haven't had to go to Grandma and Grandpa's for dinner.

LORELAI

I cannot for the life of me remember what we did before we started doing those.

RORY

It feels like a million years ago.

LORELAI

Ooh, who are you calling?

RORY

It just feels weird for me not even to say hello to them on a Friday night.

LORELAI

No, don't call them.

RORY

Hey, this rift is between you and them. I'm still on friendly terms.

LORELAI

I know, it's just that they're probably sitting there eating alone, shivering in an unheated room, the only illumination a single light bulb just so they can make us feel spectacularly guilty at the thought.

RORY

[on phone] Hey Grandpa, it's Rory... Rory.

LORELAI

He's pretending not to remember you?

RORY

No, it's loud there.

LORELAI

Loud?

RORY

What's going on there?

RICHARD

Oh, we're having a party.

RORY

A party?

LORELAI

A party?

RICHARD

Sort of a last minute thing. Couldn't get too big a crowd here. I think we wound up with 55 or 60, something like that.

RORY

60 people.

RICHARD

Oh, here come the mushroom caps everybody!

RORY

There's singing and mushroom caps.

LORELAI

I am appalled by this.

RORY

Sounds like a lot of fun.

RICHARD

Oh, it is. Oh, now, your grandmother would come and say hello, but she's in the next room dancing with Lloyd Sandstone. Watch where you put those hands, Lloyd.

RORY

A guy named Lloyd is feeling up Grandma.

LORELAI

You're making this up.

RORY

Well, um, I'll let you go, okay?

RICHARD

Okay. Now, you're coming to visit after school on Monday, aren't ya?

RORY

Yes, I'll see you then.

RICHARD

Ah, can't wait. Bye now.

RORY

The Gilmore house is partying like it's 1999.

LORELAI

And here it's "At Home with The 700 Club."

RORY

Well, we didn't tell them to stop living their lives.

LORELAI

How could they bounce back so quickly?

RORY

I don't know, but bounce they did.

LORELAI

Okay, they win this time. But we've gotta think of something super big and fantastic and cool for next Friday night, okay?

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Now think.

RORY

Mushroom caps sound really good.

LORELAI

Sh.

RORY

Sorry.

RORY

Hi.

LORELAI

Say cheese. [takes a picture] I love my little digital camera. I wanna marry it.

RORY

Do you ever wanna put it away?

LORELAI

Oh, you'll hurt little DigitalDan's feelings.

RORY

Sorry, D.D.

LORELAI

[takes another picture] Gotcha! Oh, no, wait. Oh, missed. [to customer next to Rory] Got a good one of you, though. Nice cheekbones.

RORY

So, could you focus on something non-photographic for a second?

LORELAI

Aw, I'll try.

RORY

I was asked to pass this along to you. [hands Lorelai an envelope]

LORELAI

Something from Chilton? You've been dipping girls' hair in the inkwells again?

RORY

Read it and see.

LORELAI

[reads letter] "Dear Ms. Gilmore, with your daughter's final days of Chilton fast approaching, yours are, too." Hm, not feeling the love here. Yadda, yadda, yadda. "The Booster Club could use your help. We would greatly appreciate - " Greatly's underlined three times. Trying to emphasize the word there. Got it, guys. Thanks. " - your involvement, especially in light of your previous paucity of participation." Ooh, they got me with alliteration and an obscure word.

RORY

The bastards.

LORELAI

I've been summoned to duty.

RORY

Sounds like it.

LORELAI

I feel like I should pack my rucksack, kiss my loved ones goodbye.

RORY

So, don't do it, then.

LORELAI

Yeah, you're as good as outta there. Yale's grabbed you. It's too late. We don't need anything from Chilton.

RORY

Except my graduation tickets.

LORELAI

We already got 'em.

RORY

But we need extras. I just put in the request, and it's up to them now.

LORELAI

So we do need one kind of big thing.

RORY

And then there's my diploma.

LORELAI

You'll get your diploma at graduation.

RORY

No, I get my diploma holder at graduation.

LORELAI

Do you think they would withhold your diploma based on my participation paucity?

RORY

I don't know.

LORELAI

Oh man, I'm screwed. I guess I gotta do it.

LUKE

Hey guys.

LUKE

Was that necessary?

LORELAI

Oh man, you do not photograph well.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

You've been getting some sleep, brother? 'Cause that's forty miles bad running.

LUKE

I wasn't ready. Plus, it was a bad angle. Plus, this is a harsh light. A soft light would help with the thing with the eyes.

LORELAI

Look who knows what light he looks best in.

LUKE

You ready to order?

LORELAI

I'm gonna take a picture of the menu and then order off the camera.

LUKE

Yell when she's tired of the thing.

RORY

Give it time.

LORELAI

Now I'm gonna zoom in on just the breakfast meats.

RORY

Go to town.

ZACH

Whoa, cool.

DAVE

We all finished at the same time.

LANE

That has never happened.

BRIAN

The middle of that song didn't even sound like us.

DAVE

Yeah, it sounded good.

RORY

It sounded great, guys. All of it. Didn't it?

JESS

Not too shabby.

DAVE

We are so ready for this gig.

LANE

We've got a gig. I just love the sound of that.

JESS

Where is it?

LANE

Kyle from school. His parents are going to Marriage Encounter for the weekend so he's throwing this mondo party.

JESS

You got enough songs?

DAVE

We have enough for two half-hour sets. What we need is a name.

BRIAN

I made my suggestion.

ZACH

Yeah, and we vetoed "The Harry Potters." Next.

BRIAN

So yours is better?

ZACH

"Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert" is memorable and classy.

BRIAN

I run out of breath every time I say it.

ZACH

You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.

DAVE

Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illnesses.

BRIAN

Even without an inhaler, "Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert" is too long.

ZACH

Yeah, but when we get famous, our fans will shorten it to FTTTEOTD.

DAVE

Do you guys have any suggestions?

RORY

Oh, we wouldn't dare.

BRIAN

Hey Lane, how are you gonna play a party like this with your mom being so strict?

LANE

Easy. Rory and Jess are gonna deliver my drums to Kyle's house for me, then my friend Young Chui is going to pick me up to take me to a fictional Seventh Day Adventist bowling party that will conveniently last the length of our gig.

ZACH

Nice going.

BRIAN

I've got my own ball and shoes.

ZACH

Dude, don't tell people that.

RORY

See you guys.

JESS

Yeah, see ya.

BAND

Bye.

BRIAN

How about "The We"?

ZACH

We?

BRIAN

Yeah. We are "The We."

ZACH

I can't talk about this anymore.

RORY

So, any word on your car?

JESS

Nothing.

RORY

You'd think someone would've found it. It was pretty one of a kind.

JESS

It's probably holed up in some chop shop. Say goodbye, it's gone. Whatever. Let's talk about something else.

RORY

I like that you're getting to know Dave a little.

JESS

Yeah, he's a cool guy.

RORY

Good. It's going to make the four of us going to prom together even more fun.

JESS

Ah, yes, I almost forgot about the prom.

RORY

No, you were trying to forget about the prom.

JESS

I agreed to go and I am a man of my word.

RORY

How's that arm I twisted?

JESS

I got the feeling back in it.

RORY

It's just if there was one more dance I wanna go to in my whole life, it'd be the Stars Hollow High prom, with Lane. That's a big part of it.

JESS

I'm getting the tickets this week.

RORY

And I'll pay, okay?

JESS

Not a chance.

RORY

It means a tux, you know. I know it's geeky.

JESS

Tuxes are also James Bond. That's not geeky.

RORY

You're kind.

JESS

And going to stash a change of clothes in the limo.

LORELAI

Sookie.

SOOKIE

Yeah?

LORELAI

I need love and a hug. I just had to lay off Julio.

SOOKIE

Oh, poor thing.

LORELAI

That's the third one today. All I'm doing is crushing people's spirits.

SOOKIE

But you told them that we all love them and will hire them back as soon as all the repairs are done.

LORELAI

And I gave them their severance checks and they were all very gracious, which made it that much harder.

SOOKIE

We're gonna get 'em back. It'll all be good again.

LORELAI

I had to lay off Frank, too, but I just couldn't do another one, so Michel offered to do it.

SOOKIE

Did he say he'd be nice?

LORELAI

Yes, and then he skipped off to do it.

SOOKIE

Oh, boy.

LORELAI

So, what's going on with Luke here?

SOOKIE

I don't know. I've been keeping my distance because of what happened.

LORELAI

What happened?

SOOKIE

Well, he was lying on the floor pretty much like that, tinkering with stuff back there, and I got down and leaned in to see what he was doing, and after a while, I realized that the whole time, my hand was on his butt.

LORELAI

Sookie!

SOOKIE

It was an accident.

LORELAI

It's getting very Cinemax at night in here.

SOOKIE

It was embarrassing.

LORELAI

Uh huh. So, how was it?

SOOKIE

His butt?

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

It's got a nice shape to it.

LUKE

Will you two stop talking about my butt?

LORELAI

It's all positive.

LUKE

And in bad taste.

LORELAI

We'll just talk about it after you leave.

LUKE

Which is now, because I'm done.

LORELAI

So what's the prognosis?

LUKE

It's the same as what the stove company told you. The wall back here is burned from the fire. You're gonna have to rebuild the whole thing before you can even think of reconnecting the gas. It's gonna take awhile, sorry.

LORELAI

No, Luke, thanks for doing this. It's exactly what the contractor said. We just wanted a guy with a good butt's opinion.

SOOKIE

Yeah, Tom has a terrible butt.

LUKE

Please stop that.

LORELAI

So Rory and I will see you Saturday for breakfast?

LUKE

Actually, you won't. Nicole and I are going skiing and we're getting a ridiculously early start.

LORELAI

That sounds fun. Why ridiculously early?

LUKE

Because she has to drive in from her place in New York first because she can't stay at my place because of Jess.

LORELAI

Hey, if you want, why don't you have her come in Friday night, you guys can stay here at the inn. It'll be on the house.

LUKE

Nah, that's okay.

LORELAI

No, do it, Luke. I mean, I know we have rooms available, and it's my way of saying thanks for parading that nice butt around here.

LUKE

Geez.

LORELAI

No kidding, really, it's a great butt.

LUKE

Stop it.

LORELAI

No, really, it's no problem.

LUKE

Well, I don't know, maybe. Either way, thank for the offer.

LORELAI

All right. I'll tell Michel to keep a room available in case you decide to do it.

LUKE

Okay. See ya.

LORELAI

Thanks, bye.

MICHEL

Did you know that Frank rescues Chow puppies?

LORELAI

Uh, no.

MICHEL

He feeds and houses them on his own dime 'til he finds an owner. We can't fire him. And they are so cute. [shows her a picture] Chin-Chin and Pau-Pau. Pau-Pau's the one with the squatty little nose. I took them both.

LORELAI

Oh, okay, good job.

MICHEL

I have to go buy dog food. Will you fire Frank for me?

LORELAI

Sure thing.

TERRY

With that last function, we raised just enough to put us in the black, which got the school controller off our back, which is going to make our last endeavor that much easier.

CARRIE

Haven't we already talked all this stuff to death?

TERRY

Yes, but we need to fill in our last minute Booster Club add-ons here.

LORELAI

You get the scary threatening letter?

DOUG

Yup.

TERRY

So, onto Grad Night, our last event of the year.

JOAN

God, this year's gone by fast.

CARRIE

I can't believe my Farrah's eighteen.

DOUG

My kid was eighteen was she was ten.

CARRIE

Men.

DOUG

What?

LORELAI

Lay low, Doug. They're setting traps. So, um, what are we doing this year?

TERRY

We're throwing a big party on a yacht.

LORELAI

Fun.

TERRY

The party starts while it's in dock, then it sails for three hours and concludes with a fireworks show.

CARRIE

How's the fundraising going?

TERRY

Terrific. The last fashion show alone brought in half of what we need, and the bake sale today brought in way more than I expected. Oh, that reminds me. [pushes a box toward Lorelai]

LORELAI

What's this?

TERRY

Our cash box. You are the Grad Night treasurer.

LORELAI

I'm the what?

TERRY

Before you got here, we took a little vote and you won.

LORELAI

Well, uh, maybe there should be a recount 'cause I stink with money.

TERRY

The vote was unanimous.

LORELAI

I was late, can we revote?

CARRIE

Doug was late, too, and he was voted lead chaperone.

DOUG

Goody.

LORELAI

Come on, we can take 'em.

CARRIE

It's really not a tough job, Lorelai. You just manage the cash, keep the simple books, it's easy.

TERRY

Although, it does mean if you don't show up at our next meeting, we're going to assume you ran off with our money.

LORELAI

No, no, I wouldn't do that.

MAX

Hello, ladies. Hope I'm not too late. Oh, and gentleman, sorry.

CARRIE

Oh, Doug's one of the ladies now.

MAX

Well, good to see you all. Terry, Carrie. Lorelai, good to see you.

LORELAI

Yeah, good, same here.

MAX

So, what'd I miss?

TERRY

Nothing much. Lorelai's been made our Grad Night treasurer.

MAX

You up to the challenge?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. I'll watch the little box here.

MAX

And let me guess, other than that, they've been picking on you mercilessly.

DOUG

Pretty much.

MAX

Well, I'm here to lend you gender support, my friend. So, Terry, why don't you continue?

TERRY

Great. We were discussing Grad Night.

MAX

The yacht. Sounds great.

TERRY

Now, we've already spoken to six caterers, they're all excited to bid on the project, but a couple are so expensive that I know they'll price themselves out of the running.

SOOKIE

Weird. Very weird.

LORELAI

It's as if we had no history. He treated me the same as he treated what's her name and the overly coifed lady and the one who kept jiggling her leg the whole time.

SOOKIE

Ugh, I hate that.

LORELAI

It's like an earthquake. And he was so nonchalant.

SOOKIE

So, standoff-y?

LORELAI

No, he was just Max. And I wanted to hook up with after to talk, but very conveniently, he excused himself five minutes early for an appointment and I couldn't walk out early with him because I'm the stupid treasurer and it would look fishy.

SOOKIE

They made you treasurer. Are they insane?

LORELAI

I tried to tell them. And what's with this appointment nonsense? And no eye contact.

SOOKIE

You mean he never once looked at you?

LORELAI

Oh, he looked, but it was very lacking in meaning.

SOOKIE

Were you looking at him meaningfully?

LORELAI

No. I was trying to play it cool.

SOOKIE

Well, there you go. He was doing the same thing. You were both James Dean-ing it, trying to keep it professional.

LORELAI

No, he was not playing at it, I was. He was really it.

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

Cool.

SOOKIE

Got it.

LORELAI

So...

SOOKIE

Maybe you two never kissed.

LORELAI

Me and Max? Oh no, we kissed.

SOOKIE

Maybe it was an illusion.

LORELAI

It was not an illusion, Doug Henning. We kissed.

SOOKIE

Don't be so sure because something like this happened to me when I was like ten. I was so into Leif Garrett and I fantasized about kissing him so much that at some point, I really thought it happened.

LORELAI

I kissed Max, Sookie.

SOOKIE

I can still feel Leif's lips on mine.

LORELAI

I kissed him.

SOOKIE

Well, what is Rory's take on all this?

LORELAI

Oh, I told her about the kiss at first, but it's weird. I mean, he's back at Chilton and I'm back having some sort of involvement with her teacher. She's dealing with finals and everything. I don't wanna stress her out about this.

SOOKIE

Lorelai, what's the ultimate thing here? Do you wanna get back together with him?

LORELAI

I don't know. I don't know what I'm feeling or what I'm looking for these days, and I hate that. 'Cause it's so wishy-washy, but it's true. I mean, technically, I'm still seeing Alex, although it's more intermittent than ever. I'm not even sure I wanna get back together with Max. The kiss just happened out of the blue.

SOOKIE

The alleged kiss.

LORELAI

Sookie, we kissed.

SOOKIE

Okay, calm down.

LORELAI

If I knew where Max was on all this, I would know better where I was. It's like when you go to a steak and lobster place, it's easier to know what you want once you know what your date wants. Like, you want steak if he's getting lobster, 'cause then you can share. Or if he's not, you can get surf and turf, though you risk looking like a pig, but some guys aren't turned on by a big appetite, and now I'm not just confused, I'm massively hungry.

SOOKIE

Me, too. Maybe lunch will take your mind off it a bit.

LORELAI

Hope so.

SOOKIE

Are you sure there was really an Alex?

LORELAI

Stop.

PRINCIPAL

Come in.

PRINCIPAL

Well, well. Jess Mariano. What a pleasure. Sit down.

JESS

I was just trying to buy prom tickets and they told me to go see you.

PRINCIPAL

Sit down. So, the prom, huh? I wouldn't have taken you for someone who'd wanna go to the prom.

JESS

My girlfriend wants to.

PRINCIPAL

Oh, that's too bad.

JESS

What, why?

PRINCIPAL

Because you flunked out.

JESS

I what?

PRINCIPAL

You're not graduating, Jess. Prom tickets are for graduating seniors only. Guess your girlfriend's outta luck.

JESS

Now wait a minute. I'm just a little behind. I can catch up, no sweat.

PRINCIPAL

You can't, you missed too much.

JESS

It hasn't been that much.

PRINCIPAL

Thirty-one days you've been out. Cutoff's twenty.

JESS

So that's it, just like that?

PRINCIPAL

That's it.

JESS

Thanks for the warning.

PRINCIPAL

You mean the nine warning slips we gave you weren't enough? All the meetings that I tried to set up between you and your guidance counselor, between you and me that you blew off, that wasn't warning enough?

JESS

I can catch up, I'm smarter than anyone here.

PRINCIPAL

And humble, too.

JESS

I can catch up, you'll see.

PRINCIPAL

There's nothing to see, you're out.

JESS

Fine, I'll take summer school if that's what you want.

PRINCIPAL

Good, but it's not enough. You have to take the whole year over.

JESS

The whole year? No way.

PRINCIPAL

Then no diploma.

JESS

At least let me go to the prom, what's the big deal?

PRINCIPAL

We're done here.

JESS

Come on.

PRINCIPAL

You wanna talk about coming back next year, my door's open.

JESS

I'm not gonna miss this place.

PRINCIPAL

Vice versa.

LORELAI

No, no, it's impossible.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I just counted the money in the cash box and I'm eighteen dollars short.

RORY

Weren't you supposed to deposit all that at the bank?

LORELAI

Uh, be judgmental later. Help me in my fiscal crisis here.

RORY

Did you count the money when they gave it to you?

LORELAI

Ah, I glanced at it.

RORY

Boy, you are a sucky treasurer.

LORELAI

The job was forced on me.

RORY

Well, the cash box must've been short when you got it.

LORELAI

Or maybe a burglar broke in here. That could've happened.

RORY

A burglar who bypassed out TV, our stereo, and our jewelry and went straight for the Booster Club cash box and took eighteen dollars and left the rest?

LORELAI

Some burglars are less greedy than others.

RORY

Well, I'm out of answers.

LORELAI

Great. I'm gonna have to put eighteen of my own dollars in to ward off suspicion. You're off to the party this early?

RORY

Jess and I are helping the band set up. I do the cymbals.

LORELAI

You're not taking your purse.

RORY

I'm not?

LORELAI

You don't need money, you don't need ID.

RORY

Well, where will I keep my house key?

LORELAI

You'll put your house key through the metal thingy on your belt. You'll only lose it if you take off your belt, and if you're taking off your belt for any reason at the party, I'm not sure I want you coming home.

RORY

Brilliant.

LORELAI

Uh, your shoes okay? You got good traction?

RORY

Traction?

LORELAI

Well, there'll be liquids of various textures and disgustingness. You eating there?

RORY

Oh, if they have stuff.

LORELAI

Do not eat chips out of a communal bowl. You might as well stick your hand in a toilet.

RORY

Nice.

LORELAI

If you're desperate, offer to be the person who replenishes them with new bags and grab a handful out of the new bag and dump the rest in the communal bowl.

RORY

Got it.

LORELAI

And keep in mind that getting up on a table and performing a song of any kind will haunt you for the rest of your life. Trust me. Been there, done that.

RORY

I wasn't planning on doing that.

LORELAI

Hm, those things are never planned. You going now?

RORY

Yup.

LORELAI

I'm going, too. I'll lock it up.

RORY

Otherwise I'd have to undo my belt. Enjoy your Booster Club meeting.

LORELAI

I will. Hey, hon?

RORY

Yeah?

LORELAI

I promised myself I wasn't gonna ask you about Max anymore considering the history and that he's back teaching you and all... and I'm gonna keep my promise. Good, huh?

RORY

Very good.

LORELAI

Okay, well, that's all I wanted to say.

RORY

Okay.

DAVE

Does this set up feel right to everybody?

LANE

Cool by me.

BRIAN

Me, too.

DAVE

How's it look out there?

RORY

Like you're gonna bullet straight to the top of the charts, with a bullet or a - a gun's gonna shoot a bullet, and I'm not, uh, familiar with the precise terminology, but it's working, right?

JESS

They look like a band to me.

ZACH

You need to move back more.

BRIAN

Why?

ZACH

Because when I do my double jump kick off the amp with slashing windmills, I'm gonna need more room.

LANE

Well, don't do that then.

DAVE

Yeah, sounds a little too Milli Vanilli, Zach.

BRIAN

And if I back up anymore, my extension cord might damage the miniature date palm.

LANE

The what?

BRIAN

It's what that's called. My aunt's got one.

ZACH

Dude, don't call plants by their specific names, it's very not rock and roll.

DAVE

Let's finalize the set list, guys.

RORY

Need any help hiding the valuables, Kyle?

KYLE

Nope. We stashed the snow globes, hid the Lladros, now we're just packing up the Hummels.

MARSHALL

Two to go.

KYLE

Marshall, watch it! Boy with Toothache is mom's favorite.

MARSHALL

Sorry.

KYLE

Hey, did I hear the singer say something about a double jump kick?

RORY

We'll talk him out of it.

KYLE

Good.

MARSHALL

Zealous Xylophonist, that's sweet.

DAVE

Starting off with a slow tune won't work, Brian.

ZACH

Yeah, man, it's so emo, it makes me sick.

BRIAN

I was just playing devil's advocate.

DAVE

Devil's advocate.

ZACH

Not a bad name.

BOYS

Keg!

KYLE

That's my cousin Rick. He just turned twenty-one. Pretty awesome.

RICK

Twenty-one, yeah!

LANE

What is that, beer?

ZACH

No, it's one of those milk kegs.

BRIAN

Good one.

LANE

There's beer, is that legal?

DAVE

Well, apparently Rick is twenty-one.

RICK

Twenty-one, woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

DAVE

Or just really into that particular integer.

LANE

Beer.

ZACH

It's a party, Lane. What were you expecting, Tang?

LANE

No, I guess not.

KYLE

The carpet, guys. Lift it, lift it.

RICK

Oh, we got it.

KYLE

Marshall, go get towels to set it on. And not the good towels, the swim towels.

YOUNG CHUI

Anything I can help you with, guys?

DAVE

Uh, we got it covered. Thanks, Young Chui.

YOUNG CHUI

How about you, Lane? You need water or anything?

DAVE

Uh, Young Chui, you should probably stay away from the band area. We got a lot of cords and stuff, and I don't want you to get electrocuted and die.

YOUNG CHUI

Oh, okay. [walks away]

DAVE

So, is he staying for the whole thing?

LANE

He's got nowhere else to go.

KYLE

These are the good towels.

MARSHALL

These are the swim towels.

KYLE

The swim towels have stripes and they're oversized. Now, come on, hurry. We still have to put away my dad's military icon collector plates.

JESS

We're here a little early, don't you think?

RORY

No, we're with the band. We're the roadies and the sound crew and I'm advising on makeup for Lane and I'm the keeper of Brian's sandwich and thermos. So we're busy backstage-type people.

JESS

We're dork-early.

RORY

Come on, get into the spirit of things. Hello Cleveland!

JESS

Guess I'll wander around a little.

DAVE

And you couldn't even work your slashing windmills in.

ZACH

Yeah, maybe I'll skip it.

DAVE

Good thinking.

LORELAI

Uh, Michel, are you okay?

MICHEL

Do I look okay?

LORELAI

Are those people waiting for a bellman?

MICHEL

No, they're waiting for a unicorn to sing to a rainbow. Yes, a bellman. But there's only one because we had to lay off the others. And a maid called in sick, so not only am I dealing with answering phones and checking people in and out, but I'm going to have to do turn down service and carry people's bags to their rooms and...

LORELAI

You're going to a bad place. Now just take a breath and go to a good place.

MICHEL

Plus, I had to run home and play with my Chow puppies because the Chow book said they need love and stimulation or else they'll murder you later on. And Pau-Pau had fallen in her water bowl and was soaking wet so I had to blow dry her and...

LORELAI

Okay, the nice place, and I can stay and help a little bit, okay?

MICHEL

She could've drowned. I'm a bad daddy.

LORELAI

Pau-Pau's fine. Just watch the desk, get the bellman back here. I'll do turn down.

MICHEL

[to guest checking in] Have you ever seen Chow puppies? You want to eat them up.

RORY

They're getting ready to go on. They're all hyperventilating to the same rhythm, so that's a positive sign. What are you looking at?

JESS

The happy family. Kinda depressing if you ask me.

RORY

Oh, Mr. Sunshine. You're spreading so much joy around, you're embarrassing yourself. You've got to get a little more moody.

JESS

I'll try.

RORY

Let's look around a little bit.

JESS

Okay. [they walk past a crying girl] Seems a little early for that.

RORY

It never is.

JESS

Bathroom line.

RORY

Figures.

JESS

Hey. What's up with you guys?

KYLE

Stupid keg.

MARSHALL

It's not working.

JESS

Where's the tap?

KYLE

The what?

JESS

It's a keg, it's sealed. You need to hook up a tap to pump the beer out.

KYLE

I told you the thing in the bag did something.

RICK

[pulls the tap out of a bag] No instructions.

JESS

Jeez. [he attaches the tap to the keg] There, start pumping.

MARSHALL

All right. To Jess!

KYLE

To Jess.

RICK

To Jess.

JESS

Yeah.

KYLE

Yeah.

RORY

You and Springsteen, the working man's hero.

RORY

You ready to go on, guys?

DAVE

Only if Brian rallies.

RORY

What's wrong, Brian?

BRIAN

I don't feel good.

DAVE

It's his heartburn again.

ZACH

I told you, dude, it's your citrus intake. Stop eating oranges.

LANE

Rory. Uh, you've gotta do me a big favor.

RORY

Name it.

LANE

Young Chui's driving me crazy.

RORY

What do you want me to do?

LANE

Uh, if you see any unattached girls who you think would go for a very available, uh, needy, self-delusional guy, send 'em Young Chui's way.

RORY

I'll keep a lookout.

DAVE

Lane.

LANE

Oh my God, this is it.

RORY

Knock 'em dead.

DAVE

Brian, you with us?

BRIAN

I have completely forgotten how to play the bass.

ZACH

Perfect.

DAVE

Brian, you're just nervous. Take a deep breath and use your inhaler.

ZACH

Yeah, and don't forget that the hair and fingernails on John Entwistle's body were still growing when they brought in his replacement.

BRIAN

You're gonna replace me?

DAVE

We're not gonna replace you. Just relax and let the music flow through you.

RICK

Come on, let's go!

GIRL

Yeah, come on - rock and roll!

LANE

Zach, start.

DAVE

Wait, wait, someone's gotta introduce us. Rory, introduce us.

RORY

Me? Why me?

RICK

Come on, let's go!

MARSHALL

Yeah, crank it!

DAVE

Go, go.

RORY

All right. Uh, now, who wants to hear some tunes? [the crowd cheers] Okay, good, there's a consensus. Here they are, Stars Hollow's rockingest band. Although they're not all from Stars Hollow, but they, um, they practice there, so we kind of consider them our own. Here they are... [to the band] What's your name?

ZACH

"Follow them to the Edge of the Dessert."

DAVE

"The Chops." "Follow them to the Edge of the Dessert."

ZACH

"The Chops."

LUKE

Yeah?

LORELAI

Turn down.

LUKE

Come on in.

LORELAI

Hello there. This won't take long. Luke.

LUKE

Lorelai.

LORELAI

What are you doing here?

LUKE

You invited us, remember?

LORELAI

Us?

LORELAI

Oh, hey. Hi Nicole. There's the "us".

NICOLE

Hi, Lorelai.

LORELAI

I don't usually do this turn down service. I mean, I did when I started many moons ago, but that's when I was a maid. Wow, you guys are here.

LUKE

You didn't know?

LORELAI

No. I mean, I remember inviting you. It's great that you're here. Um, but when I told Michel I would do the turn down service, it must've slipped his mind that you were here. Pau-Pau fell in her water dish.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Never mind. I'll just do this and get out of your way.

LUKE

Hey, you don't have to.

NICOLE

Yeah, Lorelai, really, we can do all this.

LORELAI

No, you are our guests and you deserve to get what you're paying for.

LUKE

We're not paying.

LORELAI

No, no, but this is where you start paying - in sweat.

LUKE

What?

NICOLE

Fame, right?

LORELAI

Yeah, Debbie Allen. In sweat. I just loved how she said that. Let's see... uh, you need towels.

LUKE

You can just give 'em to me.

LORELAI

Okay, here are your towels. And, let me see... oh, I'll draw your curtains closed. What else, what else? It's been a little while since I've done this. Oh, do you want a fire?

LUKE

I don't know. Nicole?

NICOLE

Uh, a fire would be nice.

LORELAI

Okay, I'll light it for you. We have these new log bags now, makes it real easy. Uh, okay. [tries to light the fireplace] So, nothing like a fire on a cold night like this, huh?

LUKE

Mm.

LORELAI

Hm, I'm not having much luck here. And, uh, you know what, we laid off the person who was able to light these things no problem, now we can't light these things, and ironically we laid him off because of a fire.

LUKE

It's okay, forget it. I can light it.

LORELAI

Okay. What else, let's see. Oh, um, well, turn down. I need to turn down the bed.

LUKE

Really, Lorelai.

LORELAI

No, no, no. Up, up, up. Okay, I'll get ya all settled here, nice and comfy. Great lines with these covers here. Pillows, nice and plump. And a couple of pillow mints. There you go, now you're all ready to... uh, you're all ready for your evening.

LUKE

Fine, good, that's good.

NICOLE

Yes, great, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Well, you're all set. Just call if you need anything, and have fun.

DAVE

Okay, thanks. Uh, we're gonna take a short break and then we'll be back.

RORY

Guys, that was amazing. Really, it was awesome.

DAVE

Thanks.

ZACH

Dude, you did good, you really did. But you got a little too close to me when you were singing into the mike.

BRIAN

I got as close as I had to.

ZACH

Your nose touched my cheek, man. That's too close.

LANE

Guys, come on, just be happy. We played and we didn't suck, right?

DAVE

Yeah, it was good.

KYLE

Come on, let's spread the word. All drinks on coasters, please.

MARSHALL

Hey, the coasters are there to be used.

LANE

Dave, what's wrong? I mean, we totally rocked.

DAVE

We sounded great.

LANE

Then what is it?

DAVE

It's this Young Chui thing. It's driving me crazy.

LANE

Why?

DAVE

Why? Lane, when are you... when are you gonna break up with him?

LANE

It's complicated. Young Chui's very sensitive right now.

DAVE

I'm sorry, but I don't care.

LANE

If you got to know him, you'd understand.

DAVE

I don't want to get to know him. I just want him to do his part and break up with you so that I can take you to your prom. He's acting like he's in love with you or something.

LANE

Well...

DAVE

Oh, no. Is he?

LANE

Kind of.

DAVE

Kind of?

LANE

Apparently, totally.

DAVE

Young Chui is in love with you and that's why he won't break up with you, so that he gets to take you to your prom. And he knows that your mom likes him and that we're running out of time.

LANE

No, we're not out of time.

DAVE

The prom's in two weeks.

LANE

I'll make it happen, I swear.

DAVE

It's too late. I'll see you for the next set. [walks away]

LANE

Dave.

JESS

So, what now?

RORY

What do you mean, what now?

JESS

Let's go, let's get out of here.

RORY

Go where?

JESS

Anywhere.

RORY

It's early.

JESS

It's boring.

RORY

Jess, we can't just go.

JESS

Yes, we can.

RORY

The band's playing a whole other set.

JESS

They can do it without us.

RORY

I don't wanna leave. Now, come on, try to have fun. Talk, mingle.

JESS

I don't wanna talk to anybody else. I don't like anybody else.

RORY

I don't wanna leave. I need to stay here for Lane, come on. Gloomy.

JESS

We'll go right when they get done playing, okay?

RORY

Sure, Grandpa.

JESS

Rory.

RORY

We'll go then, I promise.

KYLE

Hey, you drop a chip, you pick it up. It's common courtesy folks.

RORY

Hi guys.

DEAN

Hey.

LINDSAY

Hey.

RORY

So, Lindsay, what did you think of Lane's band?

LINDSAY

I liked 'em. Although I didn't recognize most of the songs.

DEAN

She's not a music freak like you.

RORY

Well, we all can't be freaks.

DEAN

True.

RORY

So what kind of music do you like?

LINDSAY

I don't know... uh, Michelle Branch, Matchbox 20.

JESS

Jeez.

RORY

I like them, too. I mean, I like all kinds of things.

LINDSAY

You used to go to our school.

RORY

He still goes.

DEAN

Really? I haven't seen you around much.

JESS

What are you, the attendance monitor? I'm gonna go see what the hell's holding up this line. [walks away]

RORY

He's not feeling well.

LINDSAY

That's too bad.

DEAN

Uh, well, we'll see you later.

LINDSAY

Bye.

RORY

Bye.

MARSHALL

Hey, Lane. There's some guy looking for you.

LANE

Good, where?

KYLE

Oh, oh, and the part where Gimli the Dwarf is riding his horse, then Legolas grabs the front straps and swings himself up on top of it.

RICK

Dude, dude, that was awesome!

LANE

Any more left in that thing?

KYLE

Plenty. Foam or no foam?

LANE

Anything you hand me, Kyle, I'm downing.

LANE

Very refreshing.

KYLE

Oh, oh, and at the end when the tree is on fire and then he puts himself out in the flood. Oh!

LORELAI

Hi, sorry I'm late. Actually, I'm not late. I was right on time, but then I remembered I left the cash box in the car. I mean, I was not used to having to carry a cash box. So I went back and got it, and I was carrying it by the handle and the stupid thing flew open and money flew everywhere, and I may have lost eighteen bucks in the process. Anyway, here I am. So where's Doug?

TERRY

I believe we scared Doug away.

CARRIE

I love scaring the Dougs away.

JOAN

So, you were telling us about these ridiculous dock fees.

TERRY

Right. We got what was supposed to be a final quote from the yacht owner, who then remembers he failed to mention an exorbitant dock fee.

JOAN

Unbelievable.

TERRY

And I don't wanna pay. I made some calls and I have several suggestions on how to get around it. Oh, but first, let me bring in a student from the senior class who wanted to give her own thoughts about the yacht trip. Come on in.

CARRIE

[quietly] Oh no.

JOAN

[quietly] Paris Gellar.

PARIS

Ladies, thank you for seeing me. I know you're busy with work and have families to get home to, so I really appreciate your courtesy, and I'll make it brief. Having Grad Night on a yacht is the worst idea since Neville Chamberlain told the people of England, "Hey, don't worry about Hitler. He's a stand-up chap." Forget the inconvenience of being at sea with guests unable to leave if the party is dull or if the band, which will inevitably be composed of accountants with semi-mullets, decides to do a half-hour tribute to Kenny G. The seasickness factor alone, abetted by snuck-in flasks and badly cooked food, could lead to an epidemic, which may lead to lawsuits the school could ill afford. These points conclusively call for a change in venue to a hotel ballroom, a restaurant facility, several of which I've already called. Here are the results of my research. I've also included a list of maritime disasters from the past fifty years -- capsizings, onboard fires, et cetera -- and trust me, it'll put you off your lunch. Thank you for your time and cooperation. [leaves]

TERRY

So, my thought is to discuss these yacht fees directly with the yacht owner first.

JOAN

Absolutely.

BARBARA

Hello everyone, sorry I'm late.

TERRY

Oh, that's okay.

BARBARA

I'm Barbara Epstein, I teach drama, and I'll be your faculty rep tonight.

TERRY

Welcome Barbara.

BARBARA

I just left Max Medina, he filled me in on everything that you're doing here.

TERRY

Good, then we'll get a running start. We're dealing with a fee that we do not wanna pay for this yacht.

LORELAI

Keep going, girls. I just need... um, I'll be right back.

TERRY

Okay.

LORELAI

Joan, you gotta watch the cash box.

JOAN

Will do.

LORELAI

Oh, sorry. Um, nearest bathroom? [he points] That way, huh? I'm gonna go this way. I think the farthest one is the one I'm looking for. I told a friend I'd meet her there, so I'll just go...

LORELAI

Gotcha.

MAX

You sure did.

LORELAI

Bad time?

MAX

Kind of.

LORELAI

Busy?

MAX

Real busy.

LORELAI

You're avoiding me.

MAX

No, I'm not.

LORELAI

Then what's with the 'I'm busy' thing?

MAX

I can't be busy?

LORELAI

Ah, but that's avoiding me, saying you're busy.

MAX

No, it's descriptive of my current state. These essays are due back tomorrow, I'm way behind on my reading, so I'm eating my day-old vending machine at my desk in my futile attempt to try and catch up.

LORELAI

Two rotations.

MAX

What?

LORELAI

It's in the Booster Club bylaws, my friend. I looked it up myself. Faculty advisors are supposed to do a minimum of two consecutive rotations with the Booster Club and you did only one.

MAX

I did three.

LORELAI

What?

MAX

I did three. You went to my third one. I did the previous two you weren't at.

LORELAI

I'm assuming you have documentation?

MAX

Lorelai.

LORELAI

With Lorelai Gilmore, it's trust but verify.

MAX

Well, I'm sure I can scrounge up a witness.

LORELAI

Why did you treat me so weird at that last meeting?

MAX

I treated you with respect and kindness.

LORELAI

That's why it was weird. It's how you treated Terry and Joan, too. I mean, did you also kiss Terry and Joan?

MAX

Yeah, I did. And Doug. He was the best of the three.

LORELAI

Max.

MAX

I was playing it cool. You were, too. I was just following suit.

LORELAI

No, I was playing it cool because you were playing it cool. And I'm the treasurer and the treasurer has to be cool or it just looks suspicious.

MAX

Wait, wait, wait. Ten feet.

LORELAI

Ten feet?

MAX

That's a safe distance for us, and the more furniture in between, the better.

LORELAI

I'm not gonna attack you.

MAX

I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about me. I mean, there are people still walking the halls and this is my workplace and I can't be held responsible for what I do around you. I mean, you are like a - like a - like a mythological creature that casts some kind of spell on me and makes me act stupid. I'm not stupid. I don't act stupid with anyone else. Uh, we're too close again.

LORELAI

Okay, I didn't bring a frickin' tape measure. I'm not good at judging distances. You'll have to help me out with the ten feet thing.

MAX

Well, it's a little bigger than a basketball player. Just keep a really big basketball player between us.

LORELAI

Wow, I bet there's a sentence that's never been uttered before.

MAX

There are other complications with this whole thing, you know. Just thought I'd tell you.

LORELAI

What other complications?

MAX

I was seeing someone in California. There, I said it.

LORELAI

You mean, you weren't living like a Trappist monk while you were in California? I'm shocked.

MAX

That doesn't bother you?

LORELAI

Max, we weren't together. I mean, I have been seeing someone, too.

MAX

Well, I would probably still be seeing Diane if I hadn't moved back here. That's something to think about.

LORELAI

So you can't date anyone for the rest of your life because if you'd stayed in California, which you didn't, you might still be dating Diane?

MAX

Yes. No. Ugh!

LORELAI

Do you want an aspirin? I probably have a... Tic Tac. Sorry, I shouldn't have teased you with that aspirin thing.

MAX

You know, I thought we were both going to just pretend to ignore the kiss. Wasn't that the deal?

LORELAI

We had a deal? I don't remember a deal.

MAX

You had your shot, okay? You had the ring and you said no.

LORELAI

Yes, I did. And you said that that was right for you, too. You went to Stanford, you dated Diane, it was right for both of us.

MAX

Well, what is this, now, right here?

LORELAI

It's us. Tada.

MAX

Well, us needs to stay apart.

LORELAI

Oh, Max, we had a whole country between us for a year. That's like eleven-thousand basketball players lying end to end, and yet, here we are. We can't avoid each other.

MAX

I thought I was over you. I thought it was safe to come back here, but no, not the deal. I just, I think we should stay apart and never see each other ever again.

LORELAI

That's impossible.

MAX

No, it's not.

LORELAI

Well, I'll be at the Chilton graduation and so will you.

MAX

Well, I'll sit behind a tree.

LORELAI

We could run into each other at a drugstore again.

MAX

Well, I'm gonna order all my drugs online.

LORELAI

If my car breaks down next to yours, will you stop?

MAX

I will stop, and keep my eyes straight forward, call a garage and then stay in my car with the radio on really loud 'til they come, and then I'm gone. And I say we start being apart right now.

LORELAI

Okay. Whatever you want.

MAX

This is what I want. And when I walk out that door, it could very well be the last time we see each other.

LORELAI

Okay. I'll abide by your wishes.

MAX

Goodbye, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Goodbye, Max.

LORELAI

You said you were leaving.

MAX

My car is that way.

LORELAI

Well, I have to go that way, too.

MAX

After you.

LORELAI

Two seconds, we've already run into each other.

MAX

Doesn't count.

RORY

Young Chui, have you seen Jess?

YOUNG CHUI

Uh, I think I saw him go upstairs. Have you seen Lane?

RORY

Not for awhile. She's probably with the band. Why don't you go see?

YOUNG CHUI

Oh, I don't wanna lose these seats.

RORY

Right, right.

KYLE

It's just me and Marshall, Mom, honest... okay, kiss Uncle Newtie for me. Bye. [hangs up]

LANE

Hey Kyle. Mind if I use your phone there?

KYLE

As long as it's local.

LANE

Oh, it's local distance, yeah, don't worry.

KYLE

Okay.

LANE

[on phone] Hello, Mama? Hi, how are you doing tonight?... It's Lane. Yeah, Lane... Nothing's wrong. In fact, I'm feeling pretty good right now. Had a beer and a half, nice cold beer. And I just thought I'd tell you, I'm drumming in a band tonight at a party and we rocked. We were The Clash and Rage Against the Machine and Nirvana combined. And I'm in love with Dave Rygalski. He's my guy, not Young Chui. Young Chui's a ship in the night, Mama. Not even a ship, he's a little tugboat tooting along and I'm not gonna go to the prom with him, unh uh. I'm going with Dave, because we rock together, Mama. The charade is over.

LANE

Hey.

DAVE

What are you doing?

LANE

What I should've done months ago, Davey.

DAVE

That was not your mother. Tell me that wasn't your mother.

LANE

Oh, that was the mother. I am liberated, my friend.

DAVE

You're drunk.

LANE

No, I'm... am I?

DAVE

We're going on in five minutes. Can you even play?

LANE

Oh, I can hit the sticks on those brums.

DAVE

Great, great, but what about the drums? [walks away]

LANE

Dave.

RORY

There you are.

JESS

Hey.

RORY

I've been looking all over for you.

JESS

Just got tired of everything down there.

RORY

Are we allowed to be up here? I mean, Kyle was kind of discouraging it.

JESS

When you have a party, you get what you get.

RORY

Yeah, I guess. Sad boy, what's wrong? You were looking forward to this party, what happened?

JESS

Nothing.

RORY

Something did. Come on, tell me. [they kiss] You're not tired of me, are you? [they kiss again] That's a pretty good answer.

RORY

Jess, wait... Jess, wait... Jess. [jumps up off the bed]

JESS

Jeez.

RORY

Not here, not now.

JESS

Fine.

RORY

What's wrong with you?

JESS

Nothing's wrong with me.

RORY

Someone could've walked in that door.

JESS

And Santa Claus could come down the chimney, whatever.

RORY

You did not think that it was going to happen like this, did you?

JESS

I don't know what I think anymore.

RORY

Jess.

JESS

Rory, stop, just stop! I did not invite you up here, you came up here on your own!

RORY

[starts to cry] I don't know what I did. [leaves room]

JESS

You didn't do anything. Rory...

DEAN

Rory. Are you okay?

RORY

Yes. No. I don't know.

DEAN

Whoa, what happened?

JESS

Figures.

RORY

Dean, no.

RORY

Stop it, guys! Stop it!

DAVE

Young Chui, we gotta talk.

YOUNG CHUI

Don't touch me, Dave.

DAVE

I'm not gonna touch you. I just think it's time you and I had a real talk about the Lane situation.

YOUNG CHUI

Just a talk?

DAVE

We'll keep it friendly, honest.

YOUNG CHUI

Ah, get off me!

DAVE

I'm trying.

ZACH

Bogus.

RORY

Guys, just stop it!

JESS

Let go of me!

RICK

Cops.

MARSHALL

Oh, no, man. Is that...

KYLE

Boy with Toothache.

MARSHALL

Oh, you're dead.

OFFICER

Okay, dump your cups and go home. Now.

RORY

Jess...

RORY

Lane...