T3E21: “Here Comes the Son”

LORELAI

"Where's the ladies room?" "More coffee, please." "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?"

RORY

We do not need to know how to say "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?"

LORELAI

Oh, yes, we do.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

When we're in Spain, we need to know how to say, "Does Antonio Banderas live near here?" When in France, "Does Johnny Depp live near here?"

RORY

When in Rome, "Does Gore Vidal live near here?"

LORELAI

You know, you look like me, yet my ways are completely lost on you. Come on, honey, put that down. You've been studying all day.

RORY

I can't put it down, I've got finals coming up.

LORELAI

I know you have finals coming up, but you also have a piece of pie sitting there that you've been completely ignoring.

RORY

Just let me get to the end of this chapter.

LORELAI

Oh, fine. Hey, how important do you think it is to be able to say, "Help, I'm bleeding from the head"?

RORY

Just bring the phrase books.

LORELAI

No. If we learn all the phrases we need, then the phrase books are one less thing we have to lug around.

RORY

We will never be able to learn all the phrases in every language that we're going to need. Bring the books.

LORELAI

We can learn enough. Plus, doesn't everybody speak English over there anyway?

RORY

Ugly American, party of one.

LORELAI

Fine, we'll bring the books.

RORY

Okay, five minutes for pie.

LORELAI

Finally.

LANE

They're here, I've got them.

LORELAI

You've got what?

LANE

The brochures for my college.

RORY

You seem chipper.

LANE

I am. I have decided to make this whole Seventh Day Adventist College experience a good one. I'm gonna look on the bright side, find the silver lining, and make myself some lemonade.

LORELAI

Well, good for you.

RORY

The campus looks pretty.

LORELAI

Very pretty.

LANE

It's got two huge parks with gardens and lakes.

LORELAI

Two parks.

LANE

One for boys and one for girls.

RORY

Huh.

LANE

And you know, I had originally thought that this was gonna be a suffocating place with out of date rules and insane restrictions, but boy was I wrong. For example, curfew is up to 9:30. 9:45 if you're going for your Masters. Makeup will be permitted, as long as it identically matches your skin tone. And owning a Rolling Stones CD is no longer grounds for expulsion. You can work the demerits off in the campus clean-up crew.

LORELAI

There's a separate park for boys?

LANE

My life is over.

LORELAI

Oh, no, no, I didn't say that.

LANE

You didn't have to. [leaves]

LORELAI

Well, it is over.

RORY

It's not over.

LORELAI

Every kid in that brochure was awkward and panicked. It looked like the Academy Award audience during Michael Moore's speech.

RORY

Hey, why don't you add the phrase "Just sit there and look pretty" to that list of yours there, okay? I've gotta go back to studying.

LORELAI

"Does that sexy guy in the Peugeot ad who had a bit part in Armageddon live near here?"

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

[startled] Oh! Oh, God, Rory, you scared me.

RORY

Sorry.

LORELAI

I've been sneaking around here like an idiot trying not to wake you up.

RORY

I've been up for hours.

LORELAI

Why? Did you have a bad dream? The one where you finally meet Christiane Amanpour and she's really stupid?

RORY

No, I realized last night that at this rate, I will never finish all the work I have to do.

LORELAI

What work?

RORY

What work? What work, she asks.

LORELAI

Well, you know me and that dippy Christiane, takes a little while to catch up.

RORY

Here. [hands her a list]

LORELAI

Things to do before graduation. A list, of course. Study for finals, senior breakfast, senior awards, finish final edition of the Franklin, organize a new student government, convince Paris to give up student gavel.

RORY

Oh, and I forgot - man the yearbook distribution table this afternoon at the stupid Senior Palooza. Unbelievable.

LORELAI

Well, I'll be manning the Booster Club Grad Night table at the same time, so we can feel stupid and abused together.

RORY

I can't finish all this and sleep at the same time.

LORELAI

You have to sleep, it's what keeps you pretty.

RORY

Who cares if I'm pretty if I fail my finals?

LORELAI

Okay, you've got this so completely backwards. What is all this?

RORY

Hm? Oh, I found that if I focus too much on one subject, I start to get a little punchy. This way, when I hit Bolshevik Revolution overload, I just shift over here and, oh, hello, Anne Boleyn is going down, and then when that gets too depressing, it's right over to calculus.

LORELAI

Saving the party subject for last, huh?

RORY

This shifting back and forth seems to produce better results.

LORELAI

I think you're pushing yourself too hard.

RORY

I made out a schedule. Every single moment of every single day from now until graduation is accounted for.

LORELAI

You left off the Kiwanis Luncheon.

RORY

I did? Are you sure?

LORELAI

It's on Monday.

RORY

How could I forget the Kiwanis Luncheon? They gave me their scholarship.

LORELAI

Oh, yes, a two hundred and fifty dollar scholarship. That'll keep you in microwave popcorn for a week.

RORY

I'll just have to move something around. And I'll have to work Grandma in.

LORELAI

Excuse me?

RORY

Grandma called and asked if I could come over and help her pick out a dress to wear to my graduation.

LORELAI

No.

RORY

I have to.

LORELAI

Rory, my mother's been dressing herself for years and she has yet to show up at a function with her bra on the outside of her clothing.

RORY

She asked, I can't say no.

LORELAI

Tell her about the koala bears. She'll understand.

RORY

Please stop making fun of them. We need every cent we can get. Yale is expensive.

LORELAI

I know Yale is expensive.

RORY

Well, we haven't heard from Yale financial aid yet.

LORELAI

We will, relax.

RORY

Well, we had better hear from them soon because I have a deposit to send in for my room and I have a bunch of supplies to buy and I wanna get all of that out of the way before we go to Europe, otherwise I'll be obsessing about it the entire time.

LORELAI

Okay, uh, listen, I'm gonna go out and get the paper.

RORY

Okay, well, don't show it to me because I have no time for recreational reading until June.

LORELAI

Hey, could we move your, uh, chill session from four o'clock tomorrow afternoon to, uh, right now? That'd be great, thanks.

LORELAI

Okay, um, little tip - the whole stalking thing works infinitely better when you don't actually smash your face in the window.

LUKE

I need to talk to you.

LORELAI

Come inside.

LUKE

No, Rory's in there.

LORELAI

Since when are you scared of Rory? 'Cause seriously, Luke, I think you can take her.

LUKE

I just need to tell you something. Can she hear us?

LORELAI

Through the walls? No, I put some kryptonite in her waffles. We're good.

LUKE

Come over here.

LORELAI

You're freaking out the freaks this morning.

LUKE

Jess is gone.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

And I don't think he's coming back.

LORELAI

What do you mean gone? Like gone gone?

LUKE

Exactly like gone gone.

LORELAI

But when?

LUKE

Last night, this morning, I don't know. I went up there to get some money out of the safe and I noticed that all of his stuff was gone.

LORELAI

Oh, Luke, I'm so sorry.

LUKE

Yeah, well, forget it. I'm through with him. He's eighteen, he can do whatever the hell he wants. He's on his own, I'm through.

LORELAI

Luke.

LUKE

No, it's a relief. That kid was driving me crazy. Let him make his own way from now on. Let him see how far that smart mouth of his gets him without someone watching his back. I couldn't be more relieved. I'm just worried about Rory. I assume she doesn't know.

LORELAI

She hasn't said anything.

LUKE

I can tell her if you want me to.

LORELAI

No, it's okay. I can do it. I just have to figure out when. She's got a lot of things on her mind right now.

LUKE

Well, don't wait too long. She'll notice eventually.

LORELAI

Yes, okay. Well, thanks for coming over.

LUKE

No problem.

LORELAI

Luke?

LUKE

I failed him.

LORELAI

You did not fail him. You supported him, you defended him, you gave him a chance, and if he chose not to take it, there's nothing more you could do.

LUKE

Yeah. Well, I should go.

LORELAI

Do you have any idea where he went?

LUKE

Yeah, I got a pretty good idea.

RORY

Hey, there is no chill time scheduled for four o'clock tomorrow, and the one thing I really don't have time for are your jokes, missy. [walks back to kitchen]

LORELAI

Later's good.

MAN

Do you need some help, friend?

JESS

Nope.

MAN

Lived here 25 years. I can certainly point you in a direction, make your journey easier. [Jess walks away] Enjoy this beautiful day.

JESS

[to himself] I'll have the alfalfa sprouts and a plate of mashed yeast.

LORELAI

Yes, I've been holding for Mr. Hennings. I'm Lorelai Gilmore... oh, great, hi. Listen, um, I just received this letter saying that my daughter did not qualify for financial aid. Rory Gilmore... Uh huh... Okay, yes, we did recently receive seventy-five thousand dollars, but, uh, here's the thing - that money is gone. I gave it to my parents, so I don't have it anymore, I swear. You could come over here and search me. We could open a bottle of wine and put on some Motown and... Uh, yes, that was very inappropriate. Look, um, I owed my parents that money because they helped me put Rory through Chilton, and I wanted her to go to Chilton so that she could get into... well, Harvard, but then Harvard became Yale - long story - and now that she's gotten into Yale, I paid them back for Chilton. Just kind of a funny, wacky circle we could all laugh about someday... Yes, but, since I don't have the money anymore, it just seems like it shouldn't count. There must be something we can do. I mean, Rory is the most deserving kid there is, just seriously. You know, I don't know if you know the Kiwanis, but they gave her their scholarship and... mmhmm... I understand... okay... well, we'll just have to figure something out... thank you. Goodbye.

JESS

Hey! Hello, is anybody home? Hey!

SASHA

[to dogs] Pipe down! [to Jess] You selling something?

JESS

No. Does Jimmy Mariano live here?

SASHA

Does he owe you money?

JESS

No, I'm his... Jess. I'm Jess.

SASHA

Jess?

JESS

Jess Marian -

SASHA

Frodo, back off now! I'm sorry, what were you saying?

JESS

I just wanna see Jimmy, okay?

SASHA

Hey, did you ever see The Wizard of Oz?

JESS

Yes.

SASHA

Remember when they go to the Emerald City and they ring the bell and the guy with the beard stuck his head out and they said that they wanted to see the wizard, and he said no, and they said, 'She's got the ruby slippers', and he said 'Well, that's a horse of a different color. Come on in.'

JESS

Yes.

SASHA

Well, I'm the guy with the beard and I'm saying the no unless you can come up with the ruby slippers.

JESS

I'm his son.

SASHA

His son?

JESS

Yes, his son.

SASHA

Well, that's a horse of a different color. Come on in.

JESS

Do they bite?

SASHA

Just those two. [walks away]

JESS

Which two? Hey, which two? Great. I swear I will bite you back.

SASHA

I'm sorry, I didn't know you were coming.

JESS

Neither did I.

SASHA

I'm Sasha. This is Angus, Chowder, Rufus, Legolas, Caligula, Mudball, General Lee, Jimmy Jam, Terry Lewis and Spot. Jimmy's not here right now.

JESS

Okay, well, I can just hang out, walk around for awhile. Just tell me what time he gets home.

SASHA

Why don't you come in? I'll call his work.

JESS

Oh, well...

JESS

You have a lot of pets.

SASHA

Ah, they're not all mine.

JESS

No?

SASHA

No, some of 'em followed me home, some of 'em hang out, some of 'em just needed a place to crash. They drive Jimmy crazy, actually, but what can you do? Someone's gotta take care of 'em, right? I'm just gonna try and track him down, so just wander.

SASHA

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. [she dials a number] Okay. Lee, hi, I'm looking for Jimmy... okay, I'll hold...

JESS

Clowns, cats, dogs. I wonder where his tap shoes are.

JESS

Whoa!

SASHA

He wasn't at work, but his guy said he'll be back any second. Lil, Koko's gonna come over and stay with you while I'm gone, okay? And put those books back in there when you're done, I mean it. Ready?

JESS

Yeah.

LILY

Hey... the door.

JESS

Sorry.

LOUISE

Shut up.

MADELINE

I swear.

LOUISE

Jean jackets are out? How is that possible?

MADELINE

I just opened the magazine and there it was.

LOUISE

This is horrible. Who decides these things?

MADELINE

Marie Claire, apparently.

LOUISE

I feel so helpless. Did you hear? Jean jackets are out.

RORY

Out of where?

MADELINE

Vogue.

LOUISE

No, Marie Claire.

MADELINE

Whatever. We still can't wear them.

RORY

Oh, you guys, thank you so much for passing out the yearbooks for me. I really need the study time.

LOUISE

No problem.

RORY

Do you want me to at least help you bring the boxes in?

MADELINE

Oh, we've got that taken care of.

BOY

Halfway through.

LOUISE

Yeah, well, hurry up, 'cause we need to get started.

MADELINE

God, he carries those boxes sexy.

RORY

[answers] Hello?

EMILY

Rory, you haven't returned my calls.

RORY

Oh, Grandma, I'm so sorry. I've been really busy.

EMILY

I don't care how busy you get, young lady, you have to call your grandmother back.

RORY

I'm sorry.

EMILY

I won't be around forever, you know.

RORY

I'm really sorry.

EMILY

When are you coming over? I need to discuss what to wear to your graduation. I thought about a suit.

RORY

A suit seems nice.

EMILY

But perhaps it's too formal.

RORY

Formal's fine.

EMILY

Well, what are your friends' families wearing?

RORY

I don't know.

EMILY

Can you find out?

RORY

Um, sure, hold on. [to Louise] Louise, what's your grandmother wearing to graduation?

LOUISE

Hopefully the pearls I get when she kicks.

RORY

[to Emily] Why don't I just come over?

EMILY

Oh, that would be wonderful. Today?

RORY

Yes, as soon as I can get away.

EMILY

And bring a color swatch of your cap and gown so I don't clash.

RORY

Bye, Grandma.

LORELAI

Hello?

RORY

I just got another call from Grandma.

LORELAI

Rory, no.

RORY

I'm gonna go over there now.

LORELAI

And leave me here alone?

RORY

Where are you? I can't even see you.

LORELAI

I'm over here by the Old Spice ad.

RORY

Hi.

LORELAI

Hi. Come over.

RORY

I have to go.

LORELAI

You can't come over and talk for one second?

RORY

The minute I walk into that room, I'm suddenly gonna have to sign yearbooks, and since I'm severely crunched for time, I'm gonna have to resort to classic clams like, "Hey, have a good summer. Let's keep in touch. Best friends forever," and I do not wanna be that person. Plus, Paris will immediately shanghai me and give me a million things to do.

LORELAI

You know what, you need to stop being intimidated by that girl. You're going to college for God's sake. You need to be able to stand up for yourself and say, you know, "Paris, go... "

PARIS

Hey.

LORELAI

Paris!

PARIS

What are you doing?

LORELAI

I was just... the phone rang... your hair is really shiny.

PARIS

We're not even set up yet. The box isn't out, the tickets aren't in order. Where's the list?

LORELAI

Uh, it's uh... in my purse.

PARIS

Well, terrific. I can't think of a better place for the list to be except, oh, maybe out here on the table where we could actually look at it.

LORELAI

Your hair is really shiny.

PARIS

I'm going to go make the rounds. I'll be back in a minute. Have you seen Rory?

LORELAI

No.

PARIS

I'll go look outside.

LORELAI

[to Rory on phone] Run, run, run!

RORY

Okay, I'm gonna be at Grandma's for about an hour. Can you pick me up?

LORELAI

If Paris hasn't had me flogged, then yes, I'll be there.

RORY

Thank you. Bye.

LORELAI

Please, God, tell me I didn't forget the list.

JESS

So the kid in the bookcase back there...

SASHA

Lily.

JESS

Is she yours?

SASHA

Mine, yes. Not Jimmy's.

JESS

Oh.

SASHA

I was married for the longest minute and a half in the world and... [to woman walking by]... hey sweetie, how's everything?

WOMAN

Everything's fine.

SASHA

I love that. Give Riley a kiss. [to Jess] Then I came to my senses and ran for the hills but I got Lily so I win, ha ha. Short cut. Anyhow, I met Jimmy about five and a half years ago, but Lily's just crazy about him, so... [to man]... Ronnie, I found your keys again.

RONNIE

Oh, good. Thank you, baby doll.

SASHA

You have got to sew that hole in your pocket up, I mean it. Today, drop your coat by my house. I'll do it for you if you don't have the time. [to Jess] Got any brothers or sisters?

JESS

Apparently not.

SASHA

Lily submitted a written request for a brother by the end of this year, but I think I should be married before we have any kids.

JESS

You guys aren't married.

SASHA

You didn't know that.

JESS

No.

SASHA

You guys had quite a talk, didn't you?

JESS

Yeah, well.

SASHA

Okay, we're here.

JIMMY

Well.

LEE

It looks like a jar of pickles.

JIMMY

I know it's a jar of pickles, but is it that jar of pickles?

LEE

Yes.

JIMMY

You're sure.

LEE

No.

JIMMY

Look, the Chicago dills were the original pickles they sold here back in 1922.

LEE

1922. Yes, I listen.

JIMMY

Now I finally tracked down the family that sold them, I paid a substantial premium to use the original labels, I waited weeks for them to arrive, and now they're here and I look at them and they don't look the same. Too many bumps.

LEE

Jimmy, I'm begging you, play golf.

JIMMY

Just call the guy and tell them they look different, please.

LEE

Whatever you say.

SASHA

Jimmy.

JIMMY

Hey Sash.

SASHA

You have a visitor.

JIMMY

Yeah?

JESS

Hey.

JIMMY

Hey. You, uh, just get here?

JESS

Just got here.

SASHA

So, Jess, I assume you'll be staying for dinner?

JESS

Oh, well...

JIMMY

Yeah, sure, stay. You'll stay. He'll stay. We'll get Abbott's, right?

SASHA

Whatever you want. Well, I have to get back, so I will see you guys later. [leaves]

JESS

Sorry I didn't call.

JIMMY

Hey, life's about the spontaneous, right?

JESS

This your place?

JIMMY

The Inferno... yes.

JESS

It's nice.

JIMMY

Thanks. Hey, why don't I come out there?

JESS

Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt your work.

JIMMY

No problem. Hey Lee, I'm gonna take a break for awhile.

LEE

Thank God.

JESS

You didn't have to do that.

JIMMY

It's fine. So, first time on the West Coast?

JESS

First time on the West Coast.

JIMMY

Okay. The sites. Ocean.

JESS

I wondered what that was.

JIMMY

Sand.

JESS

Keeps the ocean in its place.

JIMMY

Sky.

JESS

We've got one of those back east.

JIMMY

And then you have the boardwalk. Sunglasses, smoothies, bootlegged CD's.

JESS

Good ones?

JIMMY

Not bad, I guess. I never actually bought one. My neighbor Stan did. He's not my neighbor anymore. He used to work at Lockheed, but they shut down the Burbank plant, so he went to a trade school out in the valley. He installs cable now. Sends me a postcard at Christmas time. He's Dutch. Currently, we're in Santa Monica. You keep walking, you hit Venice - that's technically where we live. Past that, you got Marina Del Rey - lotta bike shots in that area. And then you're getting near the beaches - Manhattan, Redondo, and basically that's it.

JESS

That's it. That's all of LA.

JIMMY

Well, there are these crazy rumors that if you get in your car and you actually drive east away from the beach, there's some city and other stuff, but personally I don't believe it.

JESS

I take it you like the beach.

JIMMY

I would marry the beach if man and property were allowed to mate.

JESS

Sounds serious.

JIMMY

I've lived a lot of places all over this country, and nothing, absolutely nothing, compares to this.

JESS

So where else have you lived?

JIMMY

What, where else? Let's see. Minneapolis, Chicago, Biloxi, Maine - worked on a lobster boat.

JESS

Yeah?

JIMMY

Yeah. Let me tell you, I smelled great. Did a stint in New Jersey, New Hampshire...

JESS

New York?

JIMMY

Oh, yeah, well, obviously, New York. New York was... well, you know what New York was, so...

JESS

Jimmy?

JIMMY

Yeah?

JESS

I didn't come here to bust your balls, man.

JIMMY

Okay, good to know.

LEE

[calls from hot dog stand] Jimmy, I got the pickle guy. He's as worried about you as I am.

JIMMY

I should take this.

JESS

Go ahead. I can just hang out.

JIMMY

You sure?

JESS

I got my book, I'm good.

JIMMY

Okay, you're good.

RORY

Hi, I'm here to see my grandmother.

MAID

She's in the living room with Miss Celine.

RORY

With who?

MAID

Right this way.

MISS CELINE

It's stunning.

EMILY

Really?

MISS CELINE

Chills, I've got chills. Turn for me, dear. Oh, it moves, it just moves. Ginger Rogers always insisted her dresses move just like that.

EMILY

Ginger Rogers, well.

MISS CELINE

Of course, she didn't have your legs.

EMILY

Oh, Celine.

RORY

Hey, Grandma.

EMILY

Rory, perfect. What do you think?

RORY

You look beautiful.

EMILY

Well, if I do, it's all because of this lady here. Rory, I'd like you to meet Miss Celine. She's been our fashion consultant for years.

RORY

Oh, well, how do you -

MISS CELINE

Oh my God, it's Audrey Hepburn.

RORY

What?

MISS CELINE

You're Audrey Hepburn in Sabrina. Just a waif with eyes.

RORY

Uh, thank you.

RICHARD

Celine, I don't think the handkerchief works with this. Oh, Rory, I didn't know you were here.

MISS CELINE

Richard, look at this girl, what do you see?

RICHARD

Well...

MISS CELINE

It's Audrey Hepburn in Sabrina.

RICHARD

Hm, now that you mention it, there is a touch of Audrey in her.

EMILY

But even prettier.

MISS CELINE

Yes, without that ridiculous affected accent. For years I kept telling her, "Audrey, get a speech therapist." She was very stubborn. But could she wear capris.

EMILY

You know, Rory is starting Yale in the fall.

MISS CELINE

Yale, that is exciting. You'll need a whole new wardrobe, huh?

EMILY

Oh, Celine, I love this one.

MISS CELINE

Yes, I had that exact suit made in mint for Mrs. Walter Cronkite just last week. A darling woman. We've been friends since the Big Bang.

RORY

Uh, that's nice.

EMILY

What do you think of this, Richard?

RICHARD

Well, I like the green one with the beads. It made you look like a mermaid.

RORY

But you guys know that this is just a casual graduation. Folding chairs on the grass.

MISS CELINE

There's going to be grass?

RORY

Well, yeah, it's going to be outside.

MISS CELINE

Oh, you cannot wear green around grass. I learned that from Tova Borgnine the hard way. Go try the red one on. Red goes wonderful with nature.

EMILY

All right.

RICHARD

I'm gonna try the grey linen.

MISS CELINE

Ah, yes, yes, with this white silk shirt.

RICHARD

Oh, very nice.

MISS CELINE

Yes, I had that exact shirt on Jimmy Stewart the night before his colonoscopy. He came through it clean as a whistle.

RICHARD

Hm, hm.

MISS CELINE

Never underestimate the power of a good shirt.

RORY

I never will again.

MADELINE

Kathy Kim.

LOUISE

Check.

MADELINE

Next. Greg Agulara.

LOUISE

Check.

MADELINE

Next. Brad Langford.

LOUISE

Check.

BRAD

Why did you do that?

LOUISE

It has a really bad picture of us on it.

BRAD

Yeah, but that page had the only picture of me in the entire book.

MADELINE

Oh. [looks at the ripped-out page, then rips off a picture and hands it to him.] There. Next.

PARIS

No one is going to buy our tickets.

LORELAI

Give it time, Paris.

PARIS

We've been sitting here for an hour and have sold eight tickets.

LORELAI

Grad Night is a big deal, Paris. They will buy the tickets.

PARIS

Unbutton your top.

LORELAI

What?

PARIS

Teenage boys are controlled by one thing. Unbutton your top.

LORELAI

No.

PARIS

Well, me doing it isn't going to help any.

LORELAI

Paris, you need to relax. You need to stop worrying. You need to stop obsessing. You need to stop looking at my boobs.

PARIS

Fine. Oh, man, even the stupid class poster table has a line.

LORELAI

Okay, time to play "Let's distract Paris." Look at me. Let's talk.

PARIS

About what?

LORELAI

Anything. Tell me what college you finally landed on.

PARIS

I didn't.

LORELAI

Well, what's it between?

PARIS

Princeton, Columbia, and Yale.

LORELAI

Good choices.

PARIS

I'm really not that interested in Columbia, but the thought of me going there horrifies my mother so I have to keep it in the mix, you know?

LORELAI

Do I ever.

PARIS

Princeton's a good school, but Jamie goes there.

LORELAI

That's your boyfriend?

PARIS

Yes. He goes there, and if I go there, it's going to look like I went there just to be with him. Suddenly I'm Felicity without the hair issues and I'm not terribly comfortable with that.

LORELAI

But look at it like this - not going to a school you wanna go to just because your boyfriend is there is just as bad as going to a school you don't wanna go to just because your boyfriend isn't there.

PARIS

I guess.

LORELAI

If you wanna go to Princeton, go to Princeton. If you wanna go to Yale, go to Yale. Leave Jamie out of it. Leave your mother out of it. Just decide whatever it is you wanna do and do it.

PARIS

I can try that, I guess. Thanks.

LORELAI

You're welcome.

PARIS

Uh, what are you doing?

LORELAI

I'm giving you a hug.

PARIS

Why?

LORELAI

Just give into it, baby. Come on, you can do it. That a girl. Unclench the fists, Paris. Unclench the fists. Yeah, there you go.

JIMMY

Sash, I'm home!

JIMMY

What's up, Lily-Lou? Want some pineapple on your pizza?

LILY

Yes.

JIMMY

Yes. [closes the cabinet door]

JESS

Does she do that a lot?

JIMMY

All the time.

JESS

You ever find it a little weird?

JIMMY

All the time. Uh, listen, why don't you give me a minute here.

JESS

Okay.

JIMMY

Make it two, two minutes. Three, and do a special knock before you come in, maybe a -

JESS

I'll tell you what, I passed a bookstore back on the boardwalk, why don't I just go check it out for awhile?

JIMMY

Okay. But I thought the knock idea was kind of cool.

SASHA

So, last week when you said you were going to Sacramento to check out a potential supplier, you actually went...

JIMMY

To Connecticut to see Jess.

SASHA

That was quite an elaborate story you made up.

JIMMY

Well, I do have a gift.

SASHA

Of course I didn't believe you.

JIMMY

Okay, it's not a big gift, but...

SASHA

Why didn't you tell me?

JIMMY

I don't know. You're nodding your head. Why are you nodding your head? You're shrugging your shoulders. You're nodding your head and shrugging your shoulders. Why are you nodding your head and shrugging your shoulders? Will you stop nodding your head and shrugging your shoulders? Sasha, come on.

SASHA

I'm gonna pick up the pizza.

JIMMY

Just have it delivered.

SASHA

The delivery guys are too stoned after six to find the house, it'll take forever.

JIMMY

I didn't know how it was gonna go, okay? I didn't know if he was even gonna be there or if he was gonna wanna talk to me or slug me or -

SASHA

I get it.

JIMMY

Sash.

SASHA

I'll see you later, roomie.

JIMMY

Do not do that. We are not roomies. We are partners, we're soul mates.

SASHA

You just traveled cross-country to see your son for the first time since he was born and you didn't tell me. We are roomies.

JIMMY

I'm sorry.

SASHA

Get the extra mattress out of the closet.

JIMMY

What for?

SASHA

For Jess.

JIMMY

For Jess to do what?

SASHA

For Jess to sleep on.

JIMMY

Jess is sleeping here?

SASHA

Isn't he?

JIMMY

I don't know.

SASHA

Jimmy, you didn't ask him if he's staying the night?

JIMMY

No.

SASHA

Well, did you ask him how long he's here for?

JIMMY

No.

SASHA

Did you ask him anything?

JIMMY

Should I have?

SASHA

Jimmy, he could be in trouble.

JIMMY

What, he's in trouble? What kind of trouble?

SASHA

How would I know what kind of trouble?

JIMMY

Well, you're the one that just said he was in trouble.

SASHA

I said he could be in trouble. He could be running from the cops, or attempting to hop across America on one foot, or he really did come all the way from Connecticut just to have pizza with his father who he's not seen or heard from in seventeen years.

JIMMY

What are the odds it's the last one?

SASHA

Do what you want. Talk to him, don't talk to him, I am not your mother. I don't care. I'll be back. Lily, come on.

MISS CELINE

Now, Sabrina, college is a very important time in a young girl's life. You need to be properly attired.

RORY

I'm sure, but -

MISS CELINE

Trust me, a young girl is completely and solely judged by her appearance. All right, let's begin. I always start every wardrobe from the top. The hat. Remember Sabrina, it's the first thing that God sees when you walk outside in the morning.

EMILY

Well, I'm exhausted. I feel as if I've tried on every dress in town.

RORY

So is it the blue?

EMILY

Yes, I think it's the blue. I think it's quite suitable for my granddaughter's graduation.

LORELAI

Hey. Hi hon, hi Mom.

RORY

Hey.

EMILY

What are you doing here?

LORELAI

I just came to pick Rory up. Miss Celine.

MISS CELINE

Oh my God, it's Natalie Wood! Look Sabrina, it's Natalie Wood.

LORELAI

Oh, Miss Celine, I can't believe it, you're still... uh, working.

MISS CELINE

Oh, I tried to retire once. Olivia deHavilland wouldn't hear of it.

LORELAI

Well, how are you? How's Mrs. Walter Cronkite.

MISS CELINE

Lovely. Thank you for asking, Natalie.

EMILY

I left the suits upstairs. I'll just go up and get them.

MISS CELINE

No, no, I'll get them. It's who I am, the keeper of the clothes. Delight to see you again.

LORELAI

Same here, Celine.

LORELAI

Oh my God, she was like a thousand when I was ten, I can't believe it.

RORY

You should've seen all the clothes that Grandma tried on today.

LORELAI

Yeah?

RORY

She picked out a beautiful blue dress for graduation.

LORELAI

Aw, I'd like to see that, Mom.

EMILY

It needs to be altered.

LORELAI

Oh, sure. I'll see it at graduation, I guess. So I'm sorry I didn't give you advanced notice that I was coming over.

EMILY

I don't need advanced notice, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Okay, you just seem tense.

EMILY

No, I'm just tired. And busy. I have a very busy evening ahead of me.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm sure you do.

MAID

Dinner's ready, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

No, it's not.

MAID

I just checked it and it's -

EMILY

I was in there ten minutes ago and it still had another forty minutes to go.

MAID

But it's really brown and -

EMILY

Lupe, please do not argue with me. It's not ready. Now go in there and make the salad. What?

MAID

The salad's ready.

EMILY

Lupe!

LORELAI

Mom, it's seven o'clock.

EMILY

So?

LORELAI

That's your dinnertime.

EMILY

I don't have a dinnertime, Lorelai.

LORELAI

You don't have a dinnertime?

EMILY

No, I don't.

LORELAI

So all the years I grew up in this house, we did not sit down to dinner at exactly seven o'clock every single night?

EMILY

No.

LORELAI

I just imagined that?

EMILY

Lorelai, I don't know what your obsession with dinnertime is.

LORELAI

My obsession with dinnertime is that it was always at seven o'clock, now all of a sudden, it's not. Is it because I'm here?

EMILY

That's ridiculous.

LORELAI

It is. I'm here, and if you served dinner, Miss Manners would insist that you invite me to stay and you don't want to, so you're going to pretend that dinner is suddenly whenever you feel like it.

EMILY

Lorelai, do not get dramatic. Dinner is not ready, and even if it was, I would still not be able to invite you to stay because your father and I have plans tonight. We are eating quickly and then leaving.

LORELAI

To go where?

EMILY

The Thompsons.

LORELAI

For what?

EMILY

Book club.

LORELAI

What book?

EMILY

Lovely Bones.

LORELAI

Did you like it?

EMILY

It's not my taste but I respect the attempt.

LORELAI

Now I know where I get it from.

EMILY

We'll have dinner another time, all right?

LORELAI

Uh, so, are you kicking us out?

EMILY

I told you, we have plans.

LORELAI

Or do you just wanna get that dinner of yours that's been ready for ten minutes now on the table?

EMILY

Lorelai, please.

LORELAI

Tell me this - if I couldn't stay but Rory could, would you want her to?

EMILY

Of course I would, but as I told you, your father and I have plans.

LORELAI

So she can't stay even if I'm gone?

EMILY

No, she can't.

RICHARD

Emily, for heaven's sake, it's 7:10. Why aren't we eating?

LORELAI

Oh, hi, Dad. Listen, um, Rory was gonna stay for dinner if you guys don't have plans.

RICHARD

Of course we don't have any plans. Oh, I'm thrilled, Rory is staying. You just livened up a very boring night in the Gilmore house.

LORELAI

Enjoy your dinner. And Mom, get yourself an agent 'cause you're wasting that talent of yours in dinner theater.

RORY

Mom, wait.

RORY

Mom, wait. Where are you going?

LORELAI

I'm gonna drive in a circle backwards really fast to reverse the Earth's orbit to go back in time to before I made the insane decision to come here in the first place.

RORY

You came here to pick me up.

LORELAI

What was I thinking doing that?

RORY

You were thinking, 'Hey, wouldn't it be great for my daughter not to have to walk all the way back to Stars Hollow.'

LORELAI

Well, a thirty-mile hike never hurt anyone. God, I can't believe her.

RORY

And I can't believe you.

LORELAI

Why?

RORY

You were gonna leave me here?

LORELAI

So you could have dinner with them.

RORY

I never said I wanted to have dinner with them. You said I wanted to have dinner with them, and then you stormed out.

LORELAI

Okay, I'm sorry. I just, I finally realized that I can't do this anymore. I can't come back here anymore, I'm done.

RORY

Well, I'm sorry. I never should've asked you to pick me up.

LORELAI

It's okay. It's good, actually. Now I can stop feeling guilty for not talking to them. I can go back to the way things were before. We share a nose and that's it.

RORY

So we're going?

LORELAI

Yes, we're going.

RORY

Okay, I have to go get my books. Please be here when I come back.

EMILY

Are you staying?

RORY

No, I have to go, Grandma.

EMILY

All right, I guess we'll just see you at graduation then.

RORY

I guess you will.

EMILY

I swear, I don't know what to do with that mother of yours, I really don't. Everything has to be such a scene.

RORY

I think you're being really stupid. [leaves]

LORELAI

So, Souplantation...

RORY

Hang on, I'm almost at the end of this chapter. [pause] Okay, let the raving begin.

LORELAI

A room full of all you can eat food. Soup, salad, pizza, pasta, chicken wings, ice cream, rainbow sprinkles. How did I not know about the rainbow sprinkles?

RORY

I have no good answers for you.

LORELAI

We are going back with Tupperware.

RORY

It's turning yellow.

LORELAI

Ah, shoot.

RORY

Come on, gun it.

LORELAI

I can't.

RORY

Mom, we have to get home.

LORELAI

Rory, I already have two tickets. I cannot get another.

RORY

Oh, I can't believe you stopped.

LORELAI

I can't believe you wanted me to go.

RORY

There's no one around.

LORELAI

Now no one's around, but the second I run that light, a police car, four helicopters, the Canadian mounties and the crew of Cops jump out of a dumpster and I'm toast.

RORY

Paranoid.

LORELAI

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you, my friend.

RORY

All right, I guess we wait.

RORY

Do you think Luke will know we went to Souplantation?

LORELAI

Not unless you tell him.

RORY

But maybe he'll be able to tell. They'll be a glow.

LORELAI

An all-you-can-eat glow.

RORY

He'll see the glow, he'll know we cheated, and he'll never give us extra fries again.

RORY

Um, Mom, why did just bolt away from us?

LORELAI

Maybe he saw the glow.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Okay, first of all, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I just thought with all the stuff you were doing, maybe I should wait.

RORY

What's going on?

LORELAI

Jess is gone.

RORY

Gone where?

LORELAI

I don't know. Luke knows, but he didn't tell me. But he doesn't seem to think he's coming back.

RORY

Neither do I.

LORELAI

Are you okay?

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Ugh, forget this.

JIMMY

Hey, when you say 'I'm going to check out a bookstore on the boardwalk', you be more specific.

JESS

What?

JIMMY

I have been wandering around for over an hour. I've been to three different bookstores. I have been worried sick about you, you hear me?

JESS

Sorry.

JIMMY

Outside.

JESS

But -

JIMMY

Outside.

JIMMY

Are you in trouble?

JESS

What?

JIMMY

You know, when you left home, were the cops after you?

JESS

No.

JIMMY

No 'cause they shouldn't be or no 'cause they haven't found the head yet?

JESS

What's up, Jimmy?

JIMMY

You just showed up here, man.

JESS

I know I did.

JIMMY

No call, no letter, just like -

JESS

Just like you showed up in Stars Hollow with no letter, no call.

JIMMY

Hey.

JESS

Were you in trouble?

JIMMY

We're not talking about me, we're talking about you.

JESS

I'm not running from the cops.

JIMMY

Then why are you here?

JESS

Why'd you come to Stars Hollow?

JIMMY

Hey, listen, Mr. Double-Talk, I need an answer here.

JESS

Well, so do I. You show up, you don't talk to me, you don't say anything. You just have a cup of coffee, then you left. Why'd you come if you didn't even wanna talk to me?

JIMMY

I did wanna talk to you.

JESS

You did?

JIMMY

Of course I wanted to talk to you. You think a person travels all the way across the country just to listen to a Bowie song? Granted, a classic off Ziggy, but still.

JESS

So, what, you're telling me you just chickened out?

JIMMY

Yeah.

JESS

Oh. Well, I came to see you.

JIMMY

Okay.

JESS

And I thought maybe I could crash here for a little while.

JIMMY

Uh huh.

JESS

Just a little while. I don't need my own room or anything. I can just sleep on the couch.

JIMMY

Or the extra mattress we keep in the closet.

JESS

Sure, that'd be fine, too.

JIMMY

You know, Sasha's always right. It drives me crazy. No matter what the situation, she's always right.

JESS

Jimmy.

JIMMY

I'd love to be right just once in awhile, you know?

JESS

It wouldn't be for long.

JIMMY

Do you know she called the Super Bowl five times in a row? Who does that? What is she, a witch?

JESS

You know what, say no if you want.

JIMMY

Jess, man, come on, you can't stay here.

JESS

Why not?

JIMMY

'Cause you can't.

JESS

Why not?

JIMMY

'Cause you can't.

JESS

Why not?

JIMMY

Because you can't.

JESS

Well, I'd ask "why not" but it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere.

JIMMY

Look at me, Jess. I'm not a father. I was never a father. I left you because I wasn't a father. I mean it, the minute the cigar was finished, I was like, "What the hell are you doing? You can't take care of yourself. How are you gonna take care of someone else?"

JESS

That's not why -

JIMMY

I can't take you in, I can't raise you.

JESS

Raise me? I'm eighteen! I'm raised. I can vote, I can be drafted. It's a little late to throw me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle birthday party.

JIMMY

I thought you didn't come here to bust my balls.

JESS

I didn't.

JIMMY

Well, then put the bat down, man.

JESS

I don't need a daddy. I just need a place to crash.

JIMMY

Do you even understand that it's only been the last five years that I've even started to put my life together? You don't wanna be around me. I am a screw-up. That is my genetic code.

JESS

Well, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

JIMMY

Don't say that. You're young, you can do anything you want.

JESS

A month. Just let me stay a month.

JIMMY

Are you listening? I have nothing to offer you. Nothing.

JESS

You have nothing? I have nothing! I have no place to go. I can't stay at Luke's, I can't stay in Stars Hollow. My mother is a wackjob. I mean, you're saying you're this loser and what, you don't wanna take me off this terrific path I'm headed down right now? I'm not graduating high school. I don't know what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life, but something's telling me I better find out soon or I'm gonna be that guy out there on the boardwalk selling the hemp hats.

JIMMY

I have one of those. It's a good hat.

JESS

Well?

JIMMY

I have to talk it over with Sasha.

JESS

Just tell her I'm a dog.

JIMMY

Great idea. Maybe you can sit there and lick yourself while she decides, you know, help sell it.

JESS

Thank you, Jimmy.

JIMMY

If she says it's okay, then we'll see.

JESS

Fine, we'll see.

JIMMY

It may not work out.

JESS

I totally understand.

JIMMY

But I'll ask and if she says it's okay, then we'll see. We'll see.

RORY

Oh my God, I'm so tired.

LORELAI

Here's a crazy thought, how about going to bed?

RORY

I have to study.

LORELAI

Or, better yet, make a pot of coffee and once again, get no sleep. Just as good.

RORY

What's this?

LORELAI

Oh, that's just... Yale needed my Social Security number for something.

RORY

Oh.

LORELAI

Look who became a soche.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

You have a lot of signatures in here, little girl.

RORY

Everybody signs everybody's yearbook. It's polite.

LORELAI

[reads] "Rory, have a great summer. BFF. Amber." Hey, Amber BFF'ed you.

RORY

Yeah, I feel truly blessed.

LORELAI

[reads] "Hey, Aurory Borealis." Okay, can't talk to this one ever again. [reads] "You have been my inspiration, my rock, my light. I loved you in South Pacific." When did you do South Pacific?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Some dipstick named Shauna thinks you were in South Pacific.

RORY

Oh, Shauna tends to get people mixed up.

LORELAI

Oh, okay.

LORELAI

Hey, you know what's weird? A lot of the kids in here are calling you a valedictorian. Is that anything like a dirty skank, 'cause if it is I'll kick their plaid butts up and down the sidewalk. Were you named valedictorian?

RORY

Yes, and you know what that means? One more stupid speech that I have to write, that I have no time to write, but nevertheless, I have to write.

LORELAI

Hey, listen, my little Holly Hunter in Broadcast News, I'm gonna let you freak out and study like a mad woman and stress yourself out until finals, but once they're over, we are gonna celebrate big time... 'cause this is amazing.

RORY

Yeah, it is.

LORELAI

Okay, now go make Mommy nervous.