T3E22: “Those Are Strings, Pinocchio”

RORY

Coming through! Heavy packs.

LORELAI

Out of our way, peace boy! No offense, love the song. Carry on. Go.

LORELAI

Ugh. And wuss patrol, halt.

RORY

I've never known such pain.

LORELAI

We are so not walking around Europe with those annoying things on our backs.

RORY

But we're backpacking through Europe. How're we gonna do this without backpacks?

LORELAI

But all the time we've talked about backpacking, I never actually pictured us with backpacks.

RORY

Well, what were you picturing?

LORELAI

Spry, accommodating European men with neat mustaches trailing after us, carrying our luggage, hailing taxi cabs, constantly reminding us how beautiful we are.

RORY

No, it's just the two of us humping our backpacks around.

LORELAI

Well, at least my new walking shoes are all broken in. If you count broken skin, broken toes.

LUKE

Don't do that.

LORELAI

Don't do what?

LUKE

Don't take your shoes off. This is a restaurant.

LORELAI

I don't see a "No shirt, no shoes, no service" sign.

LUKE

It's right here, don't do that.

RORY

We're in pain, Luke.

LUKE

But it's great that you guys are bearing it so nobly. And can you move these?

RORY

Can? No.

LORELAI

Would if we could? Debatable.

LORELAI

Look at that.

RORY

Spry and accommodating.

LORELAI

Hey, would you grow a mustache and follow us around Europe?

LUKE

Sorry, got travel plans of my own.

LORELAI

Really?

LUKE

Yup, I'm closing down the diner for a couple of weeks and taking Nicole on a little trip.

RORY

Fun.

LUKE

We're driving through Western Canada and then taking a cruise up to Alaska.

RORY

A cruise?

LORELAI

Intimate.

LUKE

I guess. Is it?

LORELAI

[sings] The Love Boat.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

A cruise is a good spot to get down on one knee.

LUKE

And do my ventriloquist act?

LORELAI

And propose.

LUKE

I have no plans to propose.

LORELAI

You don't now, but after you've had dinner at Captain Stubing's table and Isaac's served you up a couple of mojitos.

RORY

Romantic cruises say commitment, my friend.

LUKE

I am not committing and I am not proposing, so drop it.

LORELAI

Okay, it's dropped.

LUKE

Really drop it.

LORELAI

Did I not just say it's dropped?

RORY

Heard it with my own ears.

LUKE

Thank you.

LORELAI

[sings] The Love Boat.

LORELAI

If you'd get a radio in here, I wouldn't have to do that.

LUKE

Okay, so your graduation is Wednesday at four, correct?

RORY

You know, you really don't have to go to it, Luke.

LUKE

I want to. I feel like I've been through this whole Chilton thing with you.

RORY

Okay, good, I want you there.

LUKE

Good. So what do you want?

LORELAI

Are you hungry?

RORY

I'm just sore.

LORELAI

Let's go home and rest.

LUKE

Hey, wait, don't leave these.

RORY

Store 'em for us.

LORELAI

Yeah, until we hire a flatbed truck to carry 'em home for us.

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

Ugh, my left foot hurts. My right foot hurts. Carry me.

RORY

You carry me.

LORELAI

You carry me.

RORY

No, you carry me.

LORELAI

Come on.

SOOKIE

What is taking him so long?

LORELAI

I don't know. Luke, come on!

LUKE

Oh, geez, I walked right into a cobweb.

LORELAI

Aw, aw. So, uh, what's the shape of the place?

LUKE

It was a really big cobweb.

SOOKIE

Terrible. So what's the story?

LUKE

Is there a spider on me?

LORELAI

Suck it up, big guy, and tell us the scoop.

LUKE

It's not so bad.

SOOKIE

So it's not so good.

LORELAI

Not so bad is not so good.

LUKE

No, really, it's not bad. The floors -

SOOKIE

Are rotted!

LORELAI

I knew it. They need to be replaced.

SOOKIE

It's a disaster.

LUKE

The floors are fine. They need refinishing, but they're really nice quartersawn oak floors.

LORELAI

What about the roof?

LUKE

The roof -

LORELAI

Is shot?

SOOKIE

It's caving in.

LORELAI

The walls, too?

SOOKIE

Along with our hopes and dreams.

LUKE

No, the roof is fine. Some shingles need replacing, but that looks like the extent of it.

KIRK

Almost done here, folks.

LORELAI

Great, Kirk. You find any mold?

KIRK

You mean, did I find any silent death? Not so far, no.

LORELAI

Good.

KIRK

I did tell you about the dangers of mold, right? And Ed McMahon's dog?

LORELAI

Yes, you did.

KIRK

Suffered memory loss due to mold infestation. Forgot how to sit.

LORELAI

Yes, it was horrible.

KIRK

It's a growth industry right now, pardon the pun. Mold is money. I just wish I wasn't so scared of finding it.

LORELAI

Well, don't look too hard then.

KIRK

Thanks.

LORELAI

So, what's the final prognosis, Luke? We're not buying a money pit, are we?

LUKE

You're gonna spend money, but it's not a pit. Might be a steal.

LORELAI

It's a steal!

SOOKIE

We are such great businesswomen.

LUKE

Once you start work, you can probably have this place up and running in four or five months.

SOOKIE

Which will give the Independence Inn owners plenty of time to find our replacements.

LORELAI

We could be running our own inn in less than a year.

KIRK

Oh, ohhh!

LORELAI

What's the matter Kirk? Mold?

KIRK

No, mouse!

STUDENT

We all knew that our education at Chilton would be exemplary, but it was the people at Chilton. All my friends - Hi Marcy, love you. Cody and Debbie, love you, too. The faculty, the administrative staff. Even our janitorial staff - Jaime and Joachim. I can't count the number of times you guys made me laugh...

PARIS

Does she need medical attention?

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

Jaime and Joachim aren't even getting a copy of this. She's maroon.

RORY

It's the end of the year, people get nostalgic.

PARIS

So, how's your valedictorian speech coming along?

RORY

Oh, um, it's okay. Pretty standard. Boring. 'We love the school, blah blah blah.' No one listens to those things anyhow, so -

PARIS

Relax, I'm okay with you making valedictorian over me.

RORY

Oh, good, thanks.

PARIS

Sure. I actually googled the personal histories of Ivy League valedictorians going back twenty-five years, and found some enlightening statistics. They don't necessarily do too well in later life, did you know that?

RORY

No.

PARIS

Oh, yeah. A lot of business failures, crumbled marriages, suicides, obesity.

RORY

Okay.

PARIS

A bunch died in car crashes, several did time, one suffocated when his cat fell asleep on his face.

RORY

Okay, well, thanks again.

LOUISE

Okay, A/V geek, just pan my body nice and slow.

A/V GEEK

Why?

MADELINE

Yeah, why?

LOUISE

Because I'll never look better than I do now.

PARIS

Come on ladies, we don't have all day. A/V geek, I'm going to need six minutes.

A/V GEEK

You're only allowed two.

PARIS

Rolling!

A/V GEEK

Rolling.

PARIS

Fellow Chilton seniors, it's been quite a year...

MICHEL

I hate this.

SOOKIE

One guest. In the whole inn, one guy.

MICHEL

And I pulled towel duty today. It's especially awful handling guest towels when you know exactly which guests the towels belong to. It's his mites on those towels.

SOOKIE

Don't be gross.

MICHEL

This is degrading for a man of my capabilities.

SOOKIE

Well, what about me? I've got no kitchen. I'm a chef. My skills are deteriorating. I need to sauté, emulsify, marinate.

MICHEL

I need more mental stimulation.

SOOKIE

I need to frickin' fry a dead animal in a skillet. I'm going nuts.

MICHEL

I should've been a dancer.

SOOKIE

What?

MICHEL

My mother put me in dance school and I rebelled, I wanted to kick the football. I should not have.

SOOKIE

I've seen you dance and you jump around like a duck.

MICHEL

You know, I'm getting mighty sick of you.

SOOKIE

Not as sick as I am of you.

MICHEL

You know what, you do his towels. I'm not doing his towels anymore.

SOOKIE

I'm not doing his stupid towels. I hate that stupid guy with his stupid newspaper. He's stupid.

LORELAI

Yo, guys, no bickering in front of the guest.

SOOKIE

Tell it to Deney Terrio here. I should've been a dancer.

MICHEL

Lorelai, how long can we keep this up?

LORELAI

Keep what up?

MICHEL

We have one guest, half the rooms are still closed from the fire, most of the staff is laid off, I am doing mite towels, and the owner's son is walking around with a bunch of men in suits.

SOOKIE

Yeah, John's here. That can't be good.

LORELAI

John is here looking things over for the renovation that will reopen all the closed rooms so we can be up and running again. Stop worrying.

MICHEL

Okay.

SOOKIE

Okay.

LORELAI

[answers] Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking.

EMILY

Lorelai, it's your mother.

LORELAI

Mother, hi.

EMILY

I'm calling to find out how it's going to work at Rory's graduation. Are we going to be sitting together?

LORELAI

Well, hm, hm, hm.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Sorry. Hmm.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Mom, of course we'll be sitting together. We're family.

EMILY

Well, I knew that. I just wasn't sure if you did.

LORELAI

Well, we're sitting together.

EMILY

Good.

LORELAI

Yes, it is.

RICHARD

Ask her about the gift, Emily.

LORELAI

Dad?

EMILY

He's on the other line.

LORELAI

Oh, sure got the quiet thing down there.

RICHARD

I'm on the upstairs portable, but I'm on my way downstairs. I see your mother now. Hello Emily.

EMILY

Hello Richard.

RICHARD

I'm on my way to the couch and am about to sit.

LORELAI

It's like the thrilling day of radio here.

EMILY

We wanted to ask you about a gift for Rory.

RICHARD

It's a big gift, a little extravagant.

EMILY

But it's a big occasion, so it makes sense.

RICHARD

We wanna buy her a car.

LORELAI

Well, I think that's a great idea.

EMILY

Really?

RICHARD

Wonderful.

LORELAI

Yeah, Rory needs to get back and forth from Yale a lot, and the quicker she can do it, the more I get to see her, so it's really kind of a present for me, too.

RICHARD

Yes, right.

EMILY

I suppose so.

RICHARD

Didn't think of that.

LORELAI

Just not a gas guzzler. And no Ferrari's or Lamborghini's.

RICHARD

So nothing Italian?

LORELAI

No, it can be Italian, just sensible Italian.

RICHARD

All right, well, good.

EMILY

I'm glad we had this settled.

LORELAI

Good. Well, maybe I'll see you at the graduation, maybe I won't.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

See you there. Bye.

RICHARD

Goodbye.

EMILY

Bye.

LORELAI

Hey, you and your Armani posse want something to drink, John?

JOHN

No, no, Lorelai. We're fine, thanks.

LORELAI

Okay. So, I've been lying to people about you all day.

JOHN

About what?

LORELAI

Oh, about how it's not a big deal that you're walking around with a concerned look on your face with a group of men with concerned looks on their faces. I think I've been lying to me a little, too.

JOHN

We have to close off three more rooms.

LORELAI

Three rooms? That'll leave us with two.

JOHN

And, uh, the estimate for the repairs to get everything back to the quality we had and up to code... it's not pretty.

LORELAI

No, that's not pretty.

JOHN

Mom's leaning toward selling.

LORELAI

Selling.

JOHN

Nothing's final yet.

LORELAI

Yeah, nothing's final. I just... Rory grew up here. I grew up here.

JOHN

Yeah, I better get back to my group.

LORELAI

Right, sure, you go. Hey, be careful not to trip over our guest.

JOHN

I won't.

LORELAI

[calls from outside] Sookie, Jackson, you better not be in bed.

JACKSON

Are you expecting Lorelai?

SOOKIE

No.

LORELAI

[calls] Come on. The night is young and the champagne's cold.

SOOKIE

The champagne?

LORELAI

Surprise!

SOOKIE

What is this?

LORELAI

It's a celebration.

SOOKIE

For what?

LORELAI

Sookie, get some glasses, and Jackson, put some music on. Whatever you want, just make it festive.

JACKSON

Got it.

SOOKIE

I don't know what this is, but it's fun.

JACKSON

Let's see. I've got Creedence Clearwater Revival.

LORELAI

Good energy, too hillbilly.

JACKSON

Okay.

LORELAI

How you coming with those glasses, Sook?

SOOKIE

Just wiping off the fancy ones.

JACKSON

Huey Lewis and the News? It's Sookie's.

SOOKIE

Hey, we all have our guilty pleasures.

JACKSON

Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass?

LORELAI

Ah, fun, festive, that's perfect! Crank it. Okay, I've got some cold Dom for me and Jackson.

JACKSON

Happens to be my brand.

SOOKIE

Oh, I love this song.

LORELAI

And, uh, for Sookie and little baby, uh, whatever-it-is, we've got the, uh, apple bubbly stuff. And cheers.

JACKSON/SOOKIE

Cheers!

SOOKIE

Well, come on, what are we celebrating?

LORELAI

Well, you ready?

SOOKIE

Yeah.

JACKSON

Definitely!

LORELAI

The Independence Inn is closing.

JACKSON

Yay!

SOOKIE

Yay! The inn is closing.

LORELAI

Not closing, closed. We're finished. It's all over. They're boarding the place up as we speak. Who wants more?

JACKSON

Well, did they find some gold in the basement or something 'cause I'm missing the celebrating angle.

LORELAI

You should always celebrate new challenges, and that's what this is.

SOOKIE

A new challenge.

LORELAI

Yes. They'll be some severance pay, then nothing.

SOOKIE

Nothing!

LORELAI

Nothing but exciting new challenges. Cheers!

SOOKIE

The inn is closed.

JACKSON

Well, I guess this means that you guys can focus solely on refurbishing the Dragonfly, getting that up and running. That's exciting.

SOOKIE

Yes, it is.

LORELAI

Yeah, I agree. But just drink some more. How're you feeling?

SOOKIE

A little drunk, and all I'm drinking is apple juice.

LORELAI

Well, good, 'cause I've got another little piece of news for you. We can't buy the Dragonfly because I can't swing my share of the money because I no longer have a steady income.

JACKSON

Wow, that is great.

SOOKIE

I'm sorry, was that an exciting challenge too?

LORELAI

Absolutely. Yesterday our lives were boring and predictable. We had jobs, we were gonna start our own business. But now everything is wide open. We can do anything we want because we're not penned in. That's good.

SOOKIE

Yes, that's good. And thinking of those new challenges is a nice way to distract me from the fact that we don't work together anymore so we're gonna see way less of each other.

LORELAI

Which will make our limited time together more enjoyable.

JACKSON

Right. And since I'm your vegetable supplier, I'm losing work, and seeing my wife and close friend way less than before.

LORELAI

Cheers!

TAYLOR

That would convert it into a town bylaw, a minor but nonetheless important change from local ordinance, giving us the leeway to enforce charter amendments five and six and grandfathering in previously proposed statutes with no procedural delay. So all those in favor of going ahead of this, say aye.

TAYLOR

All those opposed?

TAYLOR

People, what's going on? People!

MISS PATTY

Oh, sorry, Taylor.

TAYLOR

What is the matter with you?

LUKE

I think it might be the first time sixty people lost their train of thought all at the same time.

BABETTE

Yeah, Taylor, your voice always makes me think of my grocery list. We need croutons.

MOREY

Got it.

TAYLOR

Moving on. Now, people, I know it's an unpleasant subject, but the deer population in this town is reaching monstrous proportions.

GYPSY

Not this again.

MISS PATTY

He's always going on about the deer.

LUKE

Leave 'em alone, Taylor.

TAYLOR

But they're taking over the town. We need to institute partial elimination.

MOREY

Partial elimination?

GYPSY

You wanna kill the little romping Bambi's?

TAYLOR

People, do I have to detail the problems that these deer cause?

LUKE

No, but you will.

TAYLOR

Lyme disease, auto accidents, plane accidents.

LUKE

We have flying deer?

MISS PATTY

Oh, that's scary.

BABETTE

Yeah. Those ones you can snuff.

TAYLOR

But the worst problem is the crop loss. Dean, hand me the blow-up please.

GYPSY

Hey, Dean, he's paying you for all this, right?

DEAN

Yeah.

KIRK

Really, how much?

TAYLOR

People, this is a randomly chosen but typical landscaped area in the town that was denuded by these ruminant pests.

GYPSY

Randomly chosen?

LUKE

Taylor, that's your backyard.

MISS PATTY

This is a little self-serving.

TAYLOR

It might be my yard. Uh...

BABETTE

Might be? Taylor, no one else has a "Kiss the Gardener" sign.

MOREY

This is a trumped up problem.

TAYLOR

So none of you are interested in addressing this scourge?

KIRK

I have a thought.

TAYLOR

Go ahead, Kirk.

KIRK

A controlled hunt.

BABETTE

Guns?

KIRK

Not guns, wolves.

LUKE

What?

KIRK

You release a pack of wolves, they eat the deer, problem solved. Of course, then you'll have to deal with your wolf problem.

MISS PATTY

I say that we defer this unsavory topic for another year.

TAYLOR

Now wait a minute.

MISS PATTY

All those in favor?

EVERYONE

Aye!

MISS PATTY

Taylor's opposed. Meeting adjourned.

RORY

I missed the whole thing?

LANE

Yes, and I'm still semi-grounded, so I only have a limited amount of time in the outside world.

RORY

Well, hurry and show me your prom pictures.

LANE

[picks up a large bag] These are them.

RORY

Lane, how many did you take?

LANE

Three hundred. I'll leave them with you, they're pretty self explanatory.

RORY

What's this?

LANE

Our chicken piccata.

RORY

Ah, and this?

LANE

Our chicken piccata after one bite.

RORY

So, don't tell me, two bites?

LANE

Yup.

RORY

Okay, I think I can follow this.

LANE

Gotta run. Keep 'em in order.

RORY

I will.

RORY

Hi.

DEAN

Hi.

RORY

Taylor's paying you to do all this work, isn't he?

DEAN

He knows I need money, so he's helping me out with extra stuff to do. He's a good guy.

RORY

Yeah, he is a good guy. A very good guy. So how are the old wedding plans?

DEAN

They're fine.

RORY

You know, my mom's held about a million weddings at the inn and I've worked on a lot of them, so I'm a fountain of useful tips.

DEAN

Good.

RORY

For instance, your photographer, have him take candid photographs along with the other ones, so that way you'll capture a lot of your favorite moments and you won't be stuck with just the stiff, you know, posed shots.

DEAN

Candid, okay.

RORY

And if the ring bearer is younger than five years-old.

DEAN

My nephew, he's three.

RORY

Don't give him the ring until the last second because I have seen many a ring swallowed, and well, it takes a couple days to get it back.

DEAN

Good point. It's actually been kind of overwhelming. I mean, you have to rent the hall like a year in advance.

RORY

And make sure that your deposit is refundable as long as you can.

DEAN

Yeah, it is. And then there's a lot of stuff that we have to buy, too, for our place.

RORY

Oh yeah, about that. Come on, sit.

DEAN

What's this?

RORY

Your wedding gift.

DEAN

What?

RORY

You can get anything you want, but I've marked a bunch of pages with stuff that I think would be most appropriate, and I just wanted to get in early so I'd be the first one to get you a blender, not the third one.

DEAN

You don't have to do this.

RORY

I know. That's why it's fun.

DEAN

This has everything.

RORY

I'd recommend the mixing bowls, those are really nice. Or a knife set and a sharpener. Sharpening's very important. I learned that from Sookie. If you leave 'em too long, it's too late. Respect your knives.

DEAN

Thanks, Rory.

RORY

You're welcome. So just look through it with Lindsay and pick out what you want and I'll order it.

DEAN

I will.

RORY

Bye, Dean.

DEAN

Bye, Rory.

SOOKIE

Maybe we should bring it in a bit more.

RORY

Oh sure, but first we'll have to use a medieval torture instrument to crush my ribs and flatten my spinal cord in order to accommodate your sadistic wish there.

LORELAI

Don't use subtlety on us. We're slow.

SOOKIE

I think she's saying that we don't need to bring it in anymore.

LORELAI

Take it off, you're done.

SOOKIE

Ugh, I should go. I've got a stupid job interview tomorrow morning, and you know what, I'm nervous.

LORELAI

Which place?

SOOKIE

Harrington's in Woodbridge.

LORELAI

Nice.

SOOKIE

They want me to be their executive chef four nights a week. God, I can't imagine working someplace else. And without my Lorelai!

RORY

But it's only a few months until the Dragonfly opens, right?

SOOKIE

Uh... you haven't told her yet.

RORY

Told me what?

LORELAI

I was waiting for an opportunity.

RORY

To tell me what?

LORELAI

Which apparently is right now. Okay, um, hon, listen. We, um... we're not buying the Dragonfly.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

It's just not the right time.

RORY

You're crazy. It's the perfect time.

LORELAI

Not really.

RORY

But if you wait, someone else is gonna buy it. You said so yourself.

SOOKIE

I'm gonna go, guys. Sorry to spill the beans.

LORELAI

That's okay. I'll see you later.

RORY

Mom, why put it off? I mean, I know the Independence Inn closing is a setback.

LORELAI

Big one.

RORY

But we've got the rest of Grandpa's money, that's plenty to buy the Dragonfly Inn, and we'll just scrimp on everything until it's all up and running and successful.

LORELAI

It would take a lot of scrimping.

RORY

Well, I'm a master scrimper. I would make the Olympic scrimping team. I'm that good, boy.

LORELAI

Honey, we didn't get financial aid for Yale.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

No scholarships, no hardship money, no money-off coupons, no gift certificates, nothing.

RORY

I don't understand, what happened?

LORELAI

Well, irony of ironies, the money I got from your grandpa took us out of the running for financial aid 'cause it made it look like we have money.

RORY

Well, send them proof - a bank statement, a letter from Grandpa. Here, take a picture of this couch - no one will think we have money after looking at this couch.

LORELAI

I tried everything, I swear.

RORY

Why didn't you tell me this?

LORELAI

With everything that's going on, finals and all your personal stuff, I didn't want you worrying.

RORY

But Grandpa's money -

LORELAI

Is paying for Yale.

RORY

No! No way!

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

I'll take a student loan out from the bank. That's what banks are for.

LORELAI

Honey, I don't want you to be buried by loans the day you graduate from college.

RORY

Well, then I'll major in something that'll immediately make me a lot of money when I graduate. I'll major in business or engineering.

LORELAI

You are not changing your major from journalism because of my lack of money.

RORY

It's our lack.

LORELAI

Look, if you need to work as a low-paid intern for a magazine or a stringer for some small-town newspaper or Tom Brokaw's toupee comber-outer before you make real money, then that's what you'll do.

RORY

There has to be another way.

LORELAI

I've looked. There's nothing.

RORY

This is so not fair to you.

LORELAI

I'll have my own inn one day, I promise. But Yale comes first.

LORELAI

What are you gonna do now?

RORY

Rail at God for awhile.

LORELAI

Tell her I said hi.

LORELAI

Hey, what happened to our packing elves who were gonna pack our packs over night?

RORY

How about this?

LORELAI

You hate the dress I made you that much?

RORY

Not for graduation, for Europe.

LORELAI

Oh, it's perfect. It's black so it won't show dirt or wrinkles, and if you wear it with a moody look on your face like you're thinking of Bolsheviks, they'll mistake you for Simone de Beauvoir. Pack it.

RORY

It's too heavy.

LORELAI

So, was that a trick question?

RORY

We both need to cut weight from our packs.

LORELAI

I am doing my part here.

RORY

Well, you don't need five pairs of boots.

LORELAI

I'll drop some boots if you drop some books.

RORY

I can't drop books.

LORELAI

You can't bring twelve books.

RORY

You also need to cut your undergarments. Don't forget, we'll rinse in Woolite every few days.

LORELAI

This is going to an uncomfortable place.

RORY

And your toothpaste - you have three full tubes.

LORELAI

So?

RORY

Why three?

LORELAI

If I lose one, I'll have another to take its place.

RORY

If you're bringing three tubes of toothpaste, I am bringing twelve books plus a dictionary.

LORELAI

Then I'm bringing a gallon of mercury which is one of the densest and heaviest substances known to man.

RORY

I think the writing's on the wall here.

LORELAI

Cancel Europe.

RORY

I've gotta run. I love my graduation dress.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

Hey, it's a shame about Europe being canceled, huh?

LORELAI

That's okay. It's not supposed to be that great anyway, except for the cheese.

RORY

Nine books for two toothpastes.

LORELAI

Deal.

RICHARD

Who is it, Emily?

EMILY

I don't know, Richard. My x-ray vision isn't working at the moment.

RICHARD

I was wondering if you were expecting somebody.

EMILY

I wasn't expecting anybody.

EMILY

Rory.

RORY

Hey Grandma, hey Grandpa.

RICHARD

What brings you here on this busy day?

RORY

I have sort of a time-sensitive issue I need to talk to you about.

RICHARD

Time sensitive. Well, come in, come in.

EMILY

We were just getting ready for your ceremony.

RICHARD

And I was just retying my tie for the third time. No matter how many times I tie a tie, there's always room for error.

RORY

It's not an exact science, is it?

RICHARD

Nor an art form. It's pretty much nothing.

RORY

Sit down, please.

RICHARD

Okay.

EMILY

All right. Should we be nervous?

RORY

No, you shouldn't be. I am a little.

RICHARD

Well, what is it?

RORY

I need money.

RICHARD

You need money.

RORY

For Yale.

RICHARD

You need money for Yale.

EMILY

Stop repeating everything she says.

RICHARD

I'm sorry, I'm processing.

RORY

Look, it's a long story, but no other financing came through and all of the other options that Mom and I have are just... well, not good enough. So here's the offer - I would like for you to loan me the money for four years at Yale, and in return I will get a part time job and pay you in installments. I will continue this payment schedule after graduation increasing the payment amounts in proportion to my income. Plus, I will reinstate Friday night dinners with me. Every Friday night, I will be here, seven o'clock on the dot.

EMILY

Well, how wonderful.

RICHARD

We've missed you, Rory.

RORY

I've missed you, too. So this should work out for everyone, right?

EMILY

Absolutely. We're happy to do it.

RICHARD

Not so fast.

EMILY

Richard.

RICHARD

Oh, I'm happy to pay for Yale, but I don't want it to be a loan.

RORY

No, I don't want that. I want it to be a loan, because otherwise it's too easy.

RICHARD

Well, then here's my counteroffer. Let's make it a loan, but I insist that you not start paying it back until at least five years after you graduate. Seven years if you go for your Master's.

RORY

That sounds fair, but I should pay interest.

RICHARD

No.

RORY

Grandpa.

RICHARD

You are not going to pay me interest on this money, no way. That's a deal breaker.

RORY

Okay.

RICHARD

Good.

EMILY

Wonderful.

RICHARD

We have a deal. Listen, if journalism doesn't work out, you might consider working for me after you graduate. You've got good deal-making skills. Eye of the tiger.

RORY

I'll keep that in mind. Well, I should go.

EMILY

Rory, does your mother know you're here?

RORY

No. This is my thing. I'll see you at the ceremony.

SOOKIE

Where do you wanna sit?

LORELAI

Is there no special designated area for family and friends of the valedictorian?

SOOKIE

Like a skybox or a velvet rope on one of the rows.

LORELAI

We're the Chilton equivalent of 50 Cent's posse. Where are the boys?

SOOKIE

Over there. [points to Luke and Jackson standing by the building]

LORELAI

They're doing that thing guys do around fancy buildings.

SOOKIE

Talk about their construction.

LORELAI

The insurance costs.

SOOKIE

Hey guys, get over here.

LORELAI

Here's a row. Let me see, how many seats do we need? Uh, you, me, Luke, Jackson.

SOOKIE

That's four.

LORELAI

Plus Picklepuss and Sauerkraut.

SOOKIE

Your parents make six.

JACKSON

These stones have to be carved by hand.

LUKE

Without the tools we have now. No electricity.

JACKSON

Just pulleys and fulcrums.

SOOKIE

Hey, Bob Vila, take a seat.

LORELAI

Okay, we have to vow not to make fun of any of the kids because inevitably their family will be sitting right behind us just like at the play.

SOOKIE

Right. Ugh, the big-eared Romeo fiasco of '98. Gotcha.

SOOKIE

Who's paging you?

LORELAI

Uh, maybe there's a special surprise party for the valedictorian's mom backstage before the ceremony.

SOOKIE

I bet there is.

LORELAI

I'll be right back. Wow, look at the gargoyles.

LUKE

What? Wow, yeah.

JACKSON

Oh, now those have to be imported from Europe.

LUKE

The insurance on this place must be astronomical.

PARIS

Nanny, you brought the kids! Você trouxe as crianças.

KIDS

Paris!

PARIS

Ah, minha queride Elzira, Catarina. E olindo Enrique, Antonio Banderas.

LORELAI

Oh, excuse me. Hi, I'm looking for Rory Gilmore. She's the valedictorian. I'm her mom.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Uh, no, wait, go away. I wanna tell a bunch of other people that I'm the valedictorian's mom and I'm looking for you.

RORY

I've got good news I wanna tell you real quick. Come here.

RORY

Okay, you ready?

LORELAI

I hope so, ready for what?

RORY

You're getting your inn.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Go put in the bid on the Dragonfly. You've got the money now, Grandpa's money.

LORELAI

What are you talking about? How do I have money?

RORY

Grandma and Grandpa are paying for Yale.

LORELAI

Now wait a minute.

RORY

I explained the situation, they totally understand, and they're loaning me the money for Yale.

LORELAI

When did they approach you about this?

RORY

They didn't. I approached them.

LORELAI

No.

RORY

I just left them now. It's a done deal, so go make the call, put in the bid, before someone else does.

LORELAI

Rory, honey, do you understand, the Gilmores do nothing altruistically. Strings are attached to everything.

RORY

There are no strings.

LORELAI

No strings?

RORY

No. I just have to pay them back starting five years after I graduate, and I have to start going back for Friday night dinners.

LORELAI

Um, hello, Pinocchio, those are strings.

RORY

But it was my idea to resume the dinners, and I obligated just me. You are in no way apart of it.

LORELAI

This can't happen, Rory.

RORY

I don't want you to defer your dream.

LORELAI

You shouldn't have done this behind my back.

RORY

Mom, Yale is my thing. I needed financing, I got it.

LORELAI

Oh, those people, those master manipulators.

RORY

Mom, this was my idea. I'm manipulating you.

LORELAI

They are manipulating you to manipulate me.

RORY

How are they doing that?

LORELAI

Rory, don't you see? If you go to Friday night dinners, Mom knows I'll go to just to be with you.

RORY

She wasn't thinking that.

LORELAI

They're getting exactly what they want.

RORY

Don't you see? We're all getting exactly what we want. It's a win-win-win situation.

LORELAI

It's not.

RORY

It is.

LORELAI

Okay, maybe, maybe it is. But just once, just once, I want you to get exactly what you want, and me to get exactly what I want, and them to get nothing.

RORY

Well, we'll see if we can't arrange that sometime. But the ceremony's about to start, I better get back out there. And go buy that inn!

LORELAI

Hi.

EMILY

Hello.

RICHARD

Oh, hi.

LORELAI

Uh, didn't you see Sookie? We've got seats all saved.

EMILY

Yes, but we didn't know if the whole seating issue had been resolved.

LORELAI

Well, it was. Come on.

RICHARD

Well, I don't remember it being fully resolved either.

LORELAI

Well, it was. Come on.

EMILY

We didn't know if you'd changed your mind.

LORELAI

Well, I didn't. Come on.

RICHARD

It wasn't crystal clear.

LORELAI

Fine, just stay there.

EMILY

You're not serious.

LORELAI

Ah.

LORELAI

Uh, Mom, Dad, you've met everyone here. Sookie, Jackson, Luke.

RICHARD

Hello.

JACKSON

Hi.

SOOKIE

Hi.

LUKE

How ya doing?

RICHARD

No, uh... no Christopher?

LORELAI

Uh, no, he's out of town, but he's having us tons of pictures and order him the official video and we may even come back and reenact the whole thing when he gets home. Now sit, relax.

LORELAI

[quietly to Sookie] Sookie, long story short, and a partially painful story at that, and hang onto your hat, but we can now put a bid in on the Dragonfly.

SOOKIE

What? Are you kidding?

LORELAI

No.

SOOKIE

How? What happened?

LORELAI

I can't go into it now.

SOOKIE

Okay, I've gotta tell you, even with the champagne and the Herb Albert, I've been depressed for days. I couldn't watch the Dating Game anymore.

LORELAI

Well, that's all changed now.

SOOKIE

I'll go call the attorney. You sit back and relax and enjoy the graduation.

SOOKIE

This will not happen again, promise.

LORELAI

Uh, you're gonna have to move over one more chair to be part of the group, guys.

EMILY

Oh, I thought maybe someone else was coming.

LORELAI

No.

RICHARD

You sure?

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

Because if there is, it would be awkward to move during the ceremony.

LORELAI

Yes, I know what awkward is.

LORELAI

What Mom?

EMILY

Nothing. That man in front of me is extraordinarily tall, don't you think?

PARIS

[to Rory] The middle one, Catarina, she bowled a 143 last week.

RORY

Impressive.

SOOKIE

Sorry. I was here before a lot of you, it just looks like I'm late. Appearances can be deceiving. So sorry. [to Lorelai] Real estate agent wasn't in, so I left a message.

LORELAI

Rats.

SOOKIE

Did Rory walk in?

LORELAI

Yeah, first row. Right in front of the kid with the humongous... uh, the really cute kid.

SOOKIE

Darn, I wanted to get a picture of her walking in. I'll get some of her in her seat.

SOOKIE

Excuse me. Sorry. I'm not, I'm not like this. Today I am. I'm with the valedictorian, so...

HEADMASTER

Invited guests, fellow faculty, honored attendees and students, welcome to the Chilton Academy graduating class ceremony of 2003. [applause] This year's class is a distinguished assemblage, equal to or surpassing what has proceeded it. In its 200-year history, Chilton has not failed to produce a class that brings only honor to these grounds and to the academy's fine traditions. To begin, I would like to invite the student body president Paris Gellar to lead us in the Pledge of Allegiance. Paris?

PARIS

[to Rory] As his parting shot to me, Charleston never responded to the three aspects of the pledge that I had an objection to and considered rewriting. That's not going to stop me from using air quotes.

BRAD

[at podium] Through good times and bad, Chilton formed us, brought us hope, honed our insight, gave us encouragement. Though my time here was briefly interrupted by my period spent on Broadway hanging out with Stephen Sondheim, I still consider Chilton the most rewarding experience of my young life. Now it had always been my plan in closing to recite a short poem I'd written.

LOUISE

But you reconsidered.

MADELINE

Come on, Brad. Go out a winner.

BRAD

But as I read it aloud, I realized the sentiments I wanted to share with my fellow students were better expressed in a favorite song of mine. [sings] Cherish is the word I use to describe... bong, bong. Bong, bong.

RORY

Oh, Brad.

BRAD

All the feelings that I have hiding here for you inside, bong, bong, bong. You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you...

HEADMASTER

It's a distinct pleasure for me to introduce to you our valedictorian. This young lady was a second-year transfer from a modest school where she distinguished herself immeasurably. She is humble, hard working, competitive when need be, and unparalleled in her academic achievements. Ladies and Gentlemen, Rory Gilmore.

SOOKIE

Not crying, right?

LORELAI

Not crying. Keeping our cool so we don't miss anything.

SOOKIE

Tears get in your eyes.

LORELAI

Then you miss things.

SOOKIE

So we're not crying.

LORELAI

Not crying.

SOOKIE

Not crying.

JACKSON

Not crying. Not crying.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

No crying.

LUKE

I'm not crying.

RORY

Headmaster Charleston, faculty members, fellow students, family and friends, welcome. We never thought this day would come. We prayed for its quick delivery, crossed days off our calendars, counted hours, minutes, and seconds, and now that it's here, I'm sorry it is because it means leaving friends who inspire me and teachers who have been my mentors - so many people who have shaped my life and my fellow students' lives impermeably and forever. I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, hunted the white whale aboard the Pequod, fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with Huck and Jim, committed absurdities with Ignatius J. Reilly, rode a sad train with Anna Karenina, and strolled down Swann's Way. It's a rewarding world, but my second one is by far superior. My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric but supremely real, made of flesh and bone, full of love, who are my ultimate inspiration for everything. Richard and Emily Gilmore are kind, decent, unfailingly generous people. They are my twin pillars without whom I could not stand. I am proud to be their grandchild. But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood, Lorelai Gilmore.

SOOKIE

Uh oh.

LORELAI

Hang in there.

RORY

My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her.

SOOKIE

Not crying.

LORELAI

Crying a little.

SOOKIE

Crying a little, but not blubbering. That's what we meant when we said no crying, no blubbering.

RORY

Thank you, Mom. You are my guidepost for everything.

SOOKIE

On the verge of blubbering here.

JACKSON

Not doing too well myself.

LORELAI

Not you, too.

LUKE

I'm blubbering, you're freaks.

RORY

As we prepare ourselves today to leave...

ANNOUNCER

Allegra Grace Fass.

PARIS

I swear, I do not recognize half of these people. [to girl in front of her] Hey. What's your name, what's your story?

EMILY

Where is she, do you see her?

LORELAI

She's the one in the robe.

EMILY

Lorelai, please.

LORELAI

She's lost in a sea of blue polyester, Mom. I couldn't point her out if I wanted to.

JACKSON

Richard, how much to insure all this?

RICHARD

Well, the insurance is probably not prohibitive, but the deductibles would be enormous. Well into six figures.

LUKE

Six figures?

JACKSON

That's like having no insurance at all.

LUKE

So if there was a fire -

LORELAI

Guys, please stop assessing the value of the building and pay attention. Rory's coming up.

RICHARD

Ooh, ooh, sorry.

SOOKIE

I wanna get a closer shot of her getting her diploma.

SOOKIE

Ooh, sorry, sorry, I suck, I'm sorry.

ANNOUNCER

Paris Eustace Gellar.

PARIS

Finally, a name I recognize.

HEADMASTER

Congratulations, Paris.

PARIS

No hard feelings.

HEADMASTER

Okay.

ANNOUNCER

Lorelai Leigh Gilmore.

LORELAI

This is it.

EMILY

She looks so solemn.

RICHARD

Like a Gilmore.

HEADMASTER

Congratulations, Rory.

RORY

Thank you, Headmaster.

ANNOUNCER

Diana Christine Godby.

EMILY

Lorelai, really.

LORELAI

I taught her everything I know.

SOOKIE

Honest to God, last time. Sorry. [she sits down and whispers something to Lorelai]

LORELAI

Oh my God. Uh, uh, I, I need a pen. I don't have a pen. Luke, give me your pen.

LUKE

I don't have a pen.

LORELAI

Where's the pen you take orders with?

LUKE

You have got to stop assuming that I take pens with me everywhere I go.

RICHARD

[handing Lorelai a pen] Never be without a pen.

LORELAI

Thank you, Dad.

EMILY

Really, Lorelai, how many more times are you gonna do that?

LORELAI

I think about six.

HEADMASTER

Class of 2003, give yourself a hand!

RORY

How was my speech?

LORELAI

It made everyone cry, including stone cold Luke.

RORY

Luke, you old softy.

LUKE

I will never live this down.

LORELAI

Not with me in your life.

LUKE

I gotta go, I gotta get back to the diner.

RORY

Thanks for coming, Luke.

LUKE

Oh, sure. The building's amazing. So are you.

RORY

Thanks.

LORELAI

It really was great of you to come, Luke. It meant a lot to her.

LUKE

It was fun.

LORELAI

So if I don't see you, have fun on your trip with Nicole.

LUKE

Oh, we may not go now.

LORELAI

What? You were really looking forward to it.

LUKE

I don't know if the timing's right and... things are kinda weird right now.

LORELAI

Oh no.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

It's because I teased you about the commitment thing and proposing. I ruined it.

LUKE

No, that's not it.

LORELAI

Please, promise me that's not it. It would break my heart.

LUKE

But you weren't wrong about that. It got me thinking and it is kind of like committing to her.

LORELAI

So?

LUKE

I don't wanna lead her on.

LORELAI

But you like her, Luke. You like her a lot, don't you?

LUKE

Yeah, she's great.

LORELAI

Then go. No matter what she's reading into it.

LUKE

Really? You think that's okay considering... I don't know... everything?

LORELAI

Yeah, I do.

LUKE

Oh, okay. I'll probably go then.

LORELAI

Good.

LUKE

I guess I was just nervous about nothing.

LORELAI

That's what I think, too.

LUKE

I'll see ya in a couple months.

LORELAI

Yeah, I'll see you then.

PARIS

I guess we should say our goodbyes. Nanny made me a special dinner. She makes a mean farturas.

RORY

Well, good, I'm glad you found me. I wanted to say goodbye, too.

PARIS

Good. Well, good luck.

RORY

You know, it's weird, most of the time I really hated you.

PARIS

Yeah, I really hated you, too.

LORELAI

Hey.

RICHARD

Well, I think it might be time to present Rory with her graduation gift.

RORY

Oh, you guys didn't have to get me anything.

EMILY

Nonsense.

RICHARD

Uh, this one wouldn't fit in an envelope, so follow me please.

EMILY

We're really excited about this one.

LORELAI

So am I.

EMILY

Good.

RICHARD

Rory, there is your gift. It's the one with the bow.

RORY

Um, Grandpa.

EMILY

Richard.

RICHARD

Oh, for Pete's sake. Well, it was the only one there when I drove it up.

EMILY

You should've put a more distinctive bow on it.

RICHARD

Well, how was I supposed to know that every kid at Chilton was getting a car?

RORY

You got me a car?

RICHARD

We got you a car.

RORY

That's amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Which one is it?

LORELAI

Or did you get her one for every day of the week like the underwear?

RICHARD

We got her one car. It's a little Prius. It's safe, it gets great gas mileage.

EMILY

And it's the one that Leonardo DiCaprio drives.

RORY

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you guys.

EMILY

We love you, too.

RICHARD

And don't forget to call about -

RORY

Insurance. I'll do it the second I get home.

RICHARD

Good. Congratulations, Rory. And thank you for your speech.

RORY

You're welcome. I meant it, thank you for everything.

EMILY

Have fun in Europe. Both of you.

LORELAI

Thank you, Mom.

EMILY

When do you get back?

LORELAI

The 27th.

EMILY

Terrific. We'll see you that Friday for dinner.

LORELAI

Explain the win-win-win thing again.

RORY

Everybody wins, that's what it is.

LORELAI

Hm.

RORY

Hello? Hello?

LORELAI

A hang up?

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

You're getting a lot of those lately.

RORY

Hello? Hello?

RORY

Jess, is that you? Jess, I'm pretty sure it's you and I'm pretty sure you've been calling and not saying anything but wanna say something. Hello? You're not going to talk? Fine, I'll talk. You didn't handle things right at all. You could've talked to me. You could've told me that you were having trouble in school and weren't going to graduate, and that your dad had been there, but you didn't. And you ended up not taking me to my prom and not coming to my graduation and leaving again without saying goodbye again, and that's fine, I get it, but that's it for me. I'm going to Europe tomorrow and I'm going to Yale and I'm moving on. And I'm not going to pine. I hope you didn't think I was going to pine, okay? I think... I think I may have loved you, but I just need to let it go. So, that's it, I guess. Um, I hope you're good. I want you to be good, and, um, okay, so, goodbye. That word sounds really lame and stupid right now, but there it is. Goodbye.

LORELAI

Hey. You okay?

RORY

I'm okay.

LORELAI

Come on.

RORY

But Sookie and Jackson are out that way.

LORELAI

I wanna go back a different way, come on.

RORY

I thought we were going home.

LORELAI

I just wanna make one more stop before we do.

LORELAI

Hey, Luke.

LUKE

Lorelai, hi. Where's Rory?

LORELAI

Oh, out in the car.

LUKE

Oh. It was a really nice ceremony, wasn't it?

LORELAI

Yeah, it was beautiful.

LUKE

What's up?

LORELAI

I just wanted to say something to you in case we don't see each other before you go on your trip.

LUKE

Sure, what?

LORELAI

Don't get engaged.

LUKE

What, why?

LUKE

Lorelai?

RORY

Mom, wait.

LORELAI

Hurry, hurry.

RORY

This outfit produces a lot of wind resistance.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

What are we doing?

LORELAI

Leaving our mark. Got a knife?

RORY

A knife? For what?

LORELAI

Carving our initials. Come on, knife, knife.

RORY

Uh, like the switchblade I keep in my sock? No, I left it at home.

LORELAI

I must have something in here. [looks through her purse] Ah, safety pin, perfect.

RORY

We can't do this.

LORELAI

Yes, we can. People need to know we were here.

RORY

I'm in the yearbook.

LORELAI

How about the wall?

RORY

No, that's too out in the open. They'll trace it back to us.

LORELAI

They'll see LG and RG and figure out it was us?

RORY

They're are no dorks here.

LORELAI

Somewhere in the floor?

RORY

This marble is two hundred years old. Harriet Beecher Stowe walked on this marble.

LORELAI

Oh, the banister.

RORY

Was donated by Robert Frost.

LORELAI

The sconce.

RORY

Was ceremonially lit for the first time by Thomas Edison.

LORELAI

Geez, is there anything in this whole room that some famous dead person didn't have something to do with.

LORELAI

Ooh, cool it, cool it. And this is some very interesting architectural do-dads and hoo-ha's.

RORY

And wingdings and tum-tum's.

LORELAI

That was close.

RORY

Look, just carve it really tiny here on the baseboard of the wall, and do it reversed, so GL and GR.

LORELAI

Oh, maybe it's not such a good idea.

RORY

The madness passes.

SOOKIE

Hey, you guys coming? Party at your place, right?

RORY

Party?

LORELAI

Just a little gathering.

RORY

Cool.

LORELAI

We'll meet you back at our house.

SOOKIE

Okay, see you there. [leaves]

LORELAI

Wait, wait. Look around for a second. Notice?

RORY

Notice what?

LORELAI

It's not so scary anymore.

RORY

No, it's not.