T4E1: “Ballrooms and Biscotti”

LORELAI

Agh!

RORY

And we're home.

LORELAI

How long does a freakin' van ride take?

RORY

Not that long!

LORELAI

Everybody in the world's life flashed before my eyes. That's how much time I had. I thought we were gonna die on that van.

RORY

It seemed a good possibility.

LORELAI

Ugh, that van ride felt longer than our train ride from Paris to Prague, and we had that group of French boys singing Sk8er Boi and smelling like a soccer field sitting all around us.

BABETTE

Oh my God, you're back! Morey, they're back! Are you hurt? Are you bleeding?

LORELAI

Oh, we're fine.

BABETTE

You're fine? They're fine! Morey!

MOREY

[opens his front door] Yeah?

BABETTE

They're fine!

MOREY

Okay. [goes back inside]

BABETTE

What the hell happened to you two? According to the itinerary that Rory gave me, you were supposed to be home on Saturday.

LORELAI

The itinerary that Rory gave you?

BABETTE

So when you girls didn't show up, we panicked! Morey?

MOREY

[opens front door] Yeah?

BABETTE

Didn't we panic?

MOREY

Yeah. [goes inside]

LORELAI

Hey, Morey, you ever thought about just staying out here at times like these?

BABETTE

By Sunday night, I was a complete basketcase. I thought you'd been kidnapped by some crazy Sandinistas or something.

LORELAI

'Cause the Sandinista movement is so popular in France.

BABETTE

So, finally, I just started calling consulates.

RORY

Consulates?

LORELAI

How many consulates?

BABETTE

Ah, jeez, all of 'em. Anyhow, you're here. Let's go inside, I wanna hear all about Europe. Morey, I'm going in!

MOREY

[calls from his house] Okay.

LORELAI

You gave her an itinerary?

RORY

I thought it would be good for someone to know where we were.

LORELAI

Oh, you gave her an itinerary and she called every consulate in the world.

RORY

If we were caught smuggling hash over the border and we were thrown in some Turkish prison, wouldn't you want someone to know that we were in Turkey?

LORELAI

Where'd we get this hash we were smuggling?

RORY

You were at a café, you met a guy, he was sweet-talking you, he put the stuff in your purse when you weren't looking.

LORELAI

At least tell me he was cute.

RORY

He was not bad for a hash dealer.

LORELAI

Hm.

BABETTE

[calls from the kitchen] I'm making cocoa!

LORELAI

She's making cocoa 'cause you gave her an itinerary.

RORY

I may have given her the itinerary, but you're the one who got us busted for drug smuggling.

LORELAI

Reality has absolutely no place in our world.

BABETTE

Okay, I wanna hear all about Europe. Come on, tell me, what'd you see?

LORELAI

Well, everything. Uh, Notre Dame, the Roman Baths, St. Peter's Basilica.

RORY

Mom touched the Pope.

BABETTE

You're kidding!

LORELAI

Actually, I just touched his car. Then one of the Swiss guards in the fruity cool clothing busted me.

RORY

Luckily, Mom's fluent in flirting.

LORELAI

And flirting with a guy in a pompom hat and a skirt is quite an accomplishment.

BABETTE

Well, it sounds like you had a terrific trip.

RORY

It was. [Lorelai signals for her to fake a yawn, and Rory does]

LORELAI

Aw, are you okay, hon?

RORY

Yeah, I'm just a little sleepy.

BABETTE

Aw, of course, you girls must be wiped. I'll, uh, get out of here.

LORELAI

Oh, but thanks, Babette.

BABETTE

Well, goodnight, sleep tight. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Morey, I'm coming home! [leaves]

RORY

I'm gonna go unpack.

LORELAI

Oh, unpack tomorrow.

RORY

No, if I leave stuff packed overnight, everything's gonna get gross.

LORELAI

Everything's already gross.

RORY

Ahhh.

LORELAI

Oh my God, your bed feels good.

RORY

Do not get comfortable. I will sleep on top of you if I have to.

LORELAI

Oh man, smell this. [holds up a pillow]

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I forgot that pillows don't have to smell like feet. You know, I have to say, I think it's good I did this hostel thing in my thirties, and I'll tell you why.

RORY

[hugging the clothes in her closet] I missed you, I missed you all!

LORELAI

If I had done it in my twenties or teens, I would've been naïve enough to think that hostels were exotic and romantic. But once you're in your thirties, you've lived enough to know they're gross and should be avoided at all costs.

RORY

[to her clothes] I had a dream about you in Copenhagen. You were there, and you, and you, and you.

LORELAI

Listen, since we slept on the plane, we should go to sleep now, but get up really early tomorrow. We don't wanna blow this whole week being jet-lagged. We need to establish normal sleeping patterns.

RORY

Fine.

LORELAI

Okay. I'm gonna go take a shower and leave you alone to make out with your sock drawer.

RORY

Close the door.

RORY

Hello, boys.

LORELAI

[on phone] Gilmore, Lorelai, yes. My daughter's name is Lorelai also. Well, very confusing or, in your case, extremely convenient. Uh, no, see, we were never missing, it was a big mistake.

RORY

Who are you talking to?

LORELAI

Belgium.

RORY

Ah.

LORELAI

[on phone] Yes, uh huh, Babette Dell. She got our arrival dates mixed up and she was just worried, but we're fine, we're here. We just loved your fries. Okay, sure, bye bye. [hangs up] Okay, Belgium's done, Lisbon's calling me back, Berlin had no idea what I was talking about, and Paris is pissed.

RORY

At who?

LORELAI

Ugh, who knows? Okay, I'm taking a break and then I'm taking on the Netherlands. I still cannot believe Babette did this.

RORY

She just loves us.

LORELAI

Well, be a little less lovable, would you, 'cause it's costing me a fortune. Try being one of those kids where people are like, "Oh really, she was kidnapped? Hey, well, thin the herd."

RORY

Very nice. Hey, who are the rosary beads for?

LORELAI

They're mine.

RORY

What do you need rosary beads for?

LORELAI

They're cute.

RORY

They're for prayer.

LORELAI

Well, pray they match my blue suit?

RORY

They have just upgraded you to a queen-size bed, Jacuzzi tub, junior suite in hell.

LORELAI

Hm. Oh, Pieta placemat?

RORY

Oh, Gypsy.

LORELAI

How are you feeling?

RORY

You know, not bad. Just a little spacy.

LORELAI

Like a cold medicine buzz?

RORY

Maybe we got lucky and missed the jet lag.

LORELAI

I hope so because we have a very big week ahead of us.

RORY

Oh yeah?

LORELAI

Yes. In fact, I have here in my hand a schedule of all the activities we are going to partake in over this week, the final week of Rory Gilmore's life before she enters the ivy-covered hallowed halls of Yale University.

RORY

Schedule, please.

LORELAI

Okay. Today we get these presents out to our friends and then we hit the mall.

RORY

Got it.

LORELAI

Tomorrow we get an early start and we hit three of the crappier movies that are out.

RORY

And then we have dinner at Grandma's.

LORELAI

Which I will conveniently not put down on my list in the hopes that that magically goes away. Uh, okay, the next day we hit New York, see your fancy art galleries, hit the Strand.

RORY

Yes!

LORELAI

Pizza at John's. Um, Sunday, pick up all the stuff you need for school, and then there's a barbecue at Sookie's. Monday is mani/pedi, facial, haircut, go to the psychic, and stock up for Tuesday, the day of all days - Godfather I, II, and III, with extra showings of the Sofia death scene over and over as long as the Mallomars hold out.

RORY

The perfect day!

LORELAI

I agree.

RORY

And I think we have just enough of the biscotti that we brought back from Milan to last us the rest of the week.

LORELAI

Oh, good. Well, everything's in order, so, uh, let's get going and get this stuff out of here.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Wow, we sure have a lot of gifts. Do we like this many people?

RORY

I didn't think so. Maybe we're getting soft in our old age.

LORELAI

Okay, well, I guess we should get some tote bags.

RORY

What tote bags?

LORELAI

We must have tote bags.

RORY

Where would we get tote bags?

LORELAI

Excuse me, every woman who's ever purchased seventy-five dollars worth of Clinique products has some tote bags.

RORY

We don't have tote bags.

LORELAI

Well, how are we supposed to get this stuff out of here?

LORELAI

Now we're the quirky backpack ladies.

RORY

One of the kinder nicknames that have been attributed to us.

LORELAI

Let's just be very efficient about this. Okay, we'll start with Patty, work our way clockwise around the town, end with Andrew. And let's stick with the 'my mom touched the Pope' anecdote. It's quick, it's peppy, and everybody likes a nice Pope story.

RORY

Do we have time to stop at Luke's? I'm starving.

LORELAI

Absolutely. This is our week, this week we do anything we want.

RORY

I like this week.

LORELAI

Hey, I wonder if Luke and Nicole actually went on that cruise.

RORY

I thought he was going.

LORELAI

Yeah, I know, but I wonder if he actually went.

RORY

Why wouldn't he?

LORELAI

Well, I don't know. Because he'd have to pack and leave, plus he'd have to buy a bathing suit.

RORY

Well, I hope he went. He could use a good vacation. Plus, he really seems to like Nicole.

LORELAI

Mmhmm. Yeah, he does. Oh, hey, looks like the soda shop is open.

RORY

Oh, cool.

LUKE

I am gonna kill you.

TAYLOR

Oh, please, you are not.

LUKE

I am, too. I'm gonna kill you. I should've killed you before. I should've killed you the minute you put up those unicorn topiaries in the park, but, hey, hindsight, right?

RORY

Aw, I've missed that.

LORELAI

What do you think, biscotti moment?

RORY

Absolutely.

TAYLOR

You don't have to yell, Luke.

LUKE

You put a giant window in my wall.

TAYLOR

So what?

LUKE

A giant window! Right here! You can see my entire diner. And when I'm in my diner, I can see your whole stupid store.

TAYLOR

I don't understand why yours is a diner and mine is a stupid store.

LUKE

Look at this place! Look at you. All you need is six dancing penguins and Mary Poppins floating in the corner to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood.

TAYLOR

I don't think you had a childhood. I think you came out a bitter surly killjoy.

LUKE

You can't change the basic structure of this place without my okay! What?

TAYLOR

Your hand is near the wax lips.

LUKE

So?

TAYLOR

If you could just move it so you don't accidentally touch the candy. Lucas. [Luke rummages through the different boxes of candy] What are you doing? You stop that right now!

LUKE

[throws candy in the air] Look at all the pretty candy!

TAYLOR

Agh, stop it right now!

LORELAI

[gasps] Oh my God!

RORY

Hm, what? What's the matter?

LORELAI

Luke.

RORY

Yeah, he's finally lost it.

LORELAI

No, we forgot Luke.

RORY

We forgot Luke what? Oh, we forgot to bring him back a gift. Oh no!

LORELAI

We kept putting it off and putting it off.

RORY

We couldn't find anything good enough.

LORELAI

We should've gotten him that bullfighter's uniform.

RORY

Well, so what do we do?

LORELAI

Well, we have to just pick up something here and we'll tell him that we got it in Denmark.

RORY

Pick up what?

LORELAI

Something.

RORY

What? This is Stars Hollow. Everything you buy here has a Hello, Kitty stamped on the bottom.

LORELAI

Well, we have to get him something. We cannot go into Luke's empty handed.

RORY

Great.

LORELAI

Come on.

RORY

I'm hungry.

LORELAI

Hey, Sookie!

SOOKIE

[squeals] You're back!

LORELAI

We're back!

JACKSON

Hey, don't squish baby!

SOOKIE

I missed you so much!

LORELAI

We missed you so much.

SOOKIE

Ah, look at you! You look older.

RORY

Oh, thanks, Sookie.

SOOKIE

So how was it, was it wonderful?

LORELAI

Oh -

SOOKIE

I wanna hear everything you did and everything you ate. Oh, was it warm? I read it was warm. How was Barcelona? Did you see the gaudy apartments? Ooh, did you see a bullfight? Did you see Anne Frank's house? Did you cry? Was Steven Speilberg there, huh? Oh, hey, I hear you touched the Pope! Are you hungry? Do you want anything to eat? I've got quiche.

LORELAI

Hold on one sec here, missy. I need to look at you. Sideways, please.

SOOKIE

Okay.

LORELAI

Hello, hi, nice to see you. I'm your Auntie Lorelai, and this is your Auntie Rory. Say hi, Rory.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

Come over here.

RORY

Oh, no, I'm good.

SOOKIE

Come on, Rory, rub my stomach.

RORY

I'd rather not.

LORELAI

Rory's a chicken.

SOOKIE

So is Jackson.

JACKSON

Hey, I'm gonna like it when it comes out.

LORELAI

So what did the ultrasound say, boy or girl?

SOOKIE

It's a -

JACKSON

Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.

LORELAI

It's a buh? What's a buh?

JACKSON

[reveals a button pinned to his shirt] Read.

LORELAI

[reads button] "I do not want to know the sex of my baby."

JACKSON

That's right. I'm going old school on this.

SOOKIE

And he's being completely stubborn.

RORY

But you know?

SOOKIE

Of course I know. I had little clothes to buy -

JACKSON

Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!

SOOKIE

What? I said nothing about the sex.

JACKSON

You said little, and now I know it's going to be little.

LORELAI

Jackson, seriously, you don't wanna know?

JACKSON

Hey, in the old days, the guys would pace back and forth in the waiting room until a pretty nurse in a nice white outfit would come out and say, "Congratulations - it's a 'insert your chosen sex here'." Ricky Ricardo didn't know, Dick van Dyke didn't know, and by gum, if it was good enough for Rick and Dick, it's good enough for me.

LORELAI

Well, I wanna know.

JACKSON

Rory, what do you say? Be on my side.

SOOKIE

Jackson, there are no sides.

JACKSON

We can be in that waiting room together, pacing, waiting, we'll get you a nice suit. What do you say?

RORY

Okay, sure. I'm on Jackson's side.

JACKSON

Great. Welcome to 1954. [gives her a button]

RORY

Happy to be here.

LORELAI

Well, I wanna know.

SOOKIE

Come on, I'll tell you outside.

LORELAI

Sure you don't wanna go?

RORY

Read the button, missy.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

So, you hear about that whole Sputnik thing?

JACKSON

Oh, Eisenhower's on top of it.

RORY

Hm.

LORELAI

So Jackson's really not gonna be in the delivery room with you?

SOOKIE

Nope.

LORELAI

Does that bug you?

SOOKIE

Hey, I don't like Jackson to see me shave my legs, so... I'm opening the shed! Okay, are you ready?

LORELAI

For what?

LORELAI

[gasps] It's a boy!

SOOKIE

It's a boy!

LORELAI

Oh, Sookie, you're having a boy!

SOOKIE

I know! Jackson will finally have that son to prune the trees with.

LORELAI

My God, it's so exciting. A boy! Oh, a little boy. I know nothing about little boys.

SOOKIE

Me neither.

LORELAI

Man, you're prepared, aren't you?

SOOKIE

Yes, I am.

LORELAI

It's so nice to be home.

SOOKIE

It's nice to have you home.

LORELAI

Hey, have you seen Luke lately?

SOOKIE

Briefly.

LORELAI

I guess he went on that cruise, huh?

SOOKIE

Yup.

LORELAI

That's good. That's good he went. He needed a vacation. He works hard, that one. Always cooking, making the coffee, taking the orders.

SOOKIE

You know, I think something happened on that trip of his.

LORELAI

What do you mean?

SOOKIE

Well, the day he got back, Jackson and I went into the diner and I asked him how his trip went. He couldn't get away from me fast enough.

LORELAI

Really? Was Jackson wearing that creepy button?

SOOKIE

Nope. Luke just seemed kind of freaked out about something.

LORELAI

What?

SOOKIE

I don't know.

LORELAI

You think he and Nicole had a fight or something?

SOOKIE

I don't know.

LORELAI

He didn't say anything?

SOOKIE

Nope. He just walked around acting weirder than normal.

LORELAI

Huh. Wonder what that's all about. So... are you gonna name him Lorelai?

SOOKIE

Absolutely. That wouldn't be confusing at all.

LORELAI

Great.

RORY

I cannot believe you.

LORELAI

What? It's the perfect gift for Luke. Fine fancy jam from France.

RORY

Fine fancy jam from Jackson's pantry.

LORELAI

I don't know what you're talking about. I am looking right here at this beautiful hand-crafted label and it says "Fruits de la Terre."

RORY

You didn't even spellcheck to make sure you got the French right.

LORELAI

Yes, well, I think it adds an authentic touch. See, in my world, the person who made this jam was an illiterate orphan... Sochelle.

RORY

As in Sochelle Crab.

LORELAI

Yes, exactly. Sochelle was born by the sea, or so said the note left in the bassinet when the nuns found her on the steps of Notre Dame.

RORY

Oh, good, there are nuns.

LORELAI

Every sad story needs nuns. Anyhow, Sochelle had nothing - no father, no mother, no friends, no education. All she had was a burning desire to make great jam, and now she's the most successful jamstress in Paris.

RORY

Luke's gonna know.

LORELAI

No, he is not.

RORY

Well, as much as I would like to be there when you give Luke your heartfelt gift, I'm gonna go give Lane her gift.

LORELAI

All right, but if you're not there, I'm gonna get all the credit for this.

RORY

Exactly as it should be.

LORELAI

Give Lane a hug for me.

RORY

I will. Don't give him the jam.

LORELAI

I can't hear you, I'm too far away.

LORELAI

Bonjour, Luke. Pouvez-vous attacher vos chausseurs?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Uh, hi, Luke. Do you know how to tie your shoes?

LUKE

Very good.

LORELAI

Yup. It came in handy, let me tell you. Not one shoelace fatality on my watch. [he sets a mug in front of her] You remembered.

LUKE

Yup. A couple things about you stick. You have a good time?

LORELAI

Vos odeurs de chat.

LUKE

What's that?

LORELAI

Your cat smells.

LUKE

You must've been a big hit with the salon set.

LORELAI

The trip was incredible, we had the best time. We were supposed to come back on Saturday.

LUKE

I know.

LORELAI

Keeping tabs on me?

LUKE

Always safer to know which direction the tornado's coming from.

LORELAI

Anyhow, we were in London and we ran into this group of girls who were heading to Ireland to stake out the Clarence Hotel.

LUKE

Why?

LORELAI

Because U2 owns it and Bono hangs out there.

LUKE

Ah. Him again.

LORELAI

So then we jumped on a train and we headed to Ireland - incredibly beautiful, by the way - and we sat in a bar for two days and did nothing but eat soda crackers and funky cheese and he never showed.

LUKE

Que sera.

LORELAI

Hm. [sips her coffee] Mm, still good. I told 'em about you over there, Señor Swanky-pants.

LUKE

Can't tell you how grateful I am to have you as my press agent.

LORELAI

And we got you something.

LUKE

You did?

LORELAI

Yes, we did.

LUKE

You didn't have to do that.

LORELAI

What are you talking about? We do not go to Europe and come back without bringing something for Luke. Here. [hands Luke the jar of jam]

LUKE

Jam.

LORELAI

Yes, fancy French jam.

LUKE

Fruits de la Terre. Very impressive.

LORELAI

It's handmade by this woman in Paris who has the most amazing story.

LUKE

Really?

LORELAI

Yeah. Orphaned.

LUKE

Uh huh.

LORELAI

And illiterate.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

Just had nothing in her life, you know, except this burning desire to be the world's greatest jamstress. And she's famous now and, uh, you know, she only makes three bottles of that stuff a year and that's one of 'em, and I brought it all the way across the, uh... I got it from Sookie's house.

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

How did you know?

LUKE

Just a wild guess.

LORELAI

I swear, we tried to get you something, but nothing was good enough.

LUKE

No, forget it. I didn't get you anything on my trip either. We're even.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, how was the cruise?

LUKE

Oh, it was... you know.

LORELAI

Not really, I've never been on a cruise. So...

LUKE

It was fine.

LORELAI

Okay. So, you and Nicole had fun then?

LUKE

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want more coffee?

LORELAI

Uh, eh, oh. So what did you?

LUKE

Where?

LORELAI

On the boat? What did you and Nicole do on the boat?

LUKE

Oh, uh, you know, we fluttered around and ate, and there was a magic show and a singer and pillow mints, and you know, that's it.

LORELAI

But you and Nicole had a good time, you got along, and...

LUKE

Yeah. Uh, I'm gonna go check on your food.

LORELAI

Okay. [Luke walks away] I didn't order anything yet.

RORY

Hi, Kirk.

KIRK

Bienvenido, señora Gilmore.

KIRK

What are you doing? I just put that there.

TAYLOR

Scoop toward you, rolling smoothly. Very good, Ginger. Nice symmetrical balls there, Joshua. Easy on the nuts, easy on the nuts. One cherry, and then present your sundae with a Taylor Tip.

RORY

Uh, excuse me, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Ah, there you are. Hello, your majesty. Come to check on your little kingdom? Uh, Ginger, hand me a spoon.

RORY

I was just walking by when I -

TAYLOR

Here you are, on the house. [hands her a dish of ice cream]

RORY

Thank you.

TAYLOR

Would you like an extra cherry?

RORY

No.

TAYLOR

Because if the Stars Hollow Ice Cream Queen wants two cherries, then she will get two cherries, and to hell with the extra twenty-five cent charge.

RORY

Taylor, you didn't ask me if I wanted to be the Ice Cream Queen.

TAYLOR

So?

RORY

So, you didn't ask me. You just put my picture on a flier and stuck it up all over town.

TAYLOR

Well, I couldn't very well ask you when you were traipsing all over Europe, now could I?

RORY

But -

TAYLOR

And don't worry about getting anything. I have already rented a cape and a crown. Just wear a nice simple sage-colored floor-length dress and you'll be fine.

RORY

I can't do it.

TAYLOR

What do you mean, you can't do it?

RORY

I mean, I'm busy right now. I only have a couple days left before I go off to school, and my mom and I have every moment planned, so I'm just going to have to pass on this one.

TAYLOR

Oh, I see. You're going to pass. You're passing on this. Fine. Just consider yourself passed.

RORY

Look, I can still come by.

TAYLOR

Oh, can you, really? You can find time in your busy day to come by and eat my free ice cream and take my free balloon and get yourself a free glitter hand stamp? You can swing that? You don't have to pass on that, huh?

RORY

Look, Taylor, don't take it like this.

TAYLOR

In my own defense, I assumed you would be thrilled based on your, uh, past participation record.

RORY

But this has nothing to do with -

TAYLOR

You've always been the head pilgrim girl at the food drive table.

RORY

Yes, well, that's for charity.

TAYLOR

The third leprechaun at the St. Patty's Day festival.

RORY

Yes, okay, but again, for charity.

TAYLOR

You man the ticket booth on Groundhog Day. You help organize the manger procession at Christmas, you play Esther every year at the Purim carnival. I just assumed you liked taking part in town events.

RORY

I do like it, but I just can't this time. I'm sorry.

TAYLOR

Oh, don't be. It's my own fault. I should have figured that once you got into Yale everything would be different.

RORY

That's not fair.

TAYLOR

No, I understand. You're no longer our little Stars Hollow Rory Gilmore. You belong to the Ivy Leagues right now. It's time to cut those small town ties and go off and do something important like go to drama school or have one of those high-class naked parties with that Bush girl.

RORY

Taylor -

TAYLOR

Okay. See you around the quad. [walks away]

LORELAI

Okay, that took way longer than it was supposed to. From now on, when we go out of town, no presents for anyone.

RORY

Oh, right. So we'll just buy everyone a big crate of Fruits de la Terre.

LORELAI

That horse is dead, put the stick down. Now we're way behind in our schedule, so I propose a change. Let's hold off on the frivolous shopping until tomorrow. What's up?

RORY

That Taylor thing is still bugging me.

LORELAI

Me, too. I can't believe you didn't call me in to see the fight.

RORY

Maybe I am different. Maybe I do have an attitude.

LORELAI

I think you do.

RORY

I mean, I've always had time for the town in the past, and now suddenly I don't? Am I changing? I don't wanna change. I don't wanna be the anti-town girl. I'm not Daria.

LORELAI

Taylor is just messing with your mind, which is one of his specialties. Ignore him.

RORY

I guess. [she picks up a pile of mail from the coffee table.]

LORELAI

Hey, hey, no mail yet. We agreed, we're still on vacation.

RORY

Well, I'll just look through my mail. Yours can sit there as long as you like.

LORELAI

Yeah, but then you're back in the real world again and I'm out here in vacation-land alone. That's not fun.

RORY

[reading a letter] Oh no.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Oh no.

LORELAI

What oh no?

RORY

Oh no. Oh no. No no no no no no no no no. Oh no.

LORELAI

Uh, hey, kid, you're kind of freaking me out here.

RORY

I wrote the date down wrong.

LORELAI

What date?

RORY

This is from Yale. My orientation is Saturday.

LORELAI

Right, next Saturday.

RORY

No, this Saturday.

LORELAI

No, next Saturday.

RORY

No, this Saturday.

LORELAI

But today's Thursday. That means we have no -

RORY

I have to be at school the day after tomorrow.

LORELAI

But... no! We had a free week. I had it all scheduled out.

RORY

Well, I wrote the date down wrong.

LORELAI

Why would you do that?

RORY

I don't know.

LORELAI

You never write the date down wrong.

RORY

Well, I wrote it down before we left and I wrote it down wrong.

LORELAI

We were supposed to have a week.

RORY

Well, we don't.

LORELAI

I can't believe you wrote the date down wrong.

RORY

I can't believe you weren't gonna let me open the mail.

LORELAI

I can't believe you wrote the date down wrong.

RORY

I can't believe you made us go to Ireland to stalk Bono.

LORELAI

This isn't fair. You have more I-can't-believe's than I do.

RORY

This sucks.

LORELAI

This totally sucks.

RORY

Well, I'm not ready. I haven't packed. I have things I need to get. We were supposed to watch the three Godfather's and Sofia dying over and over and eat our biscotti and -

LORELAI

Okay, listen, calm down. We just need to revise our plan.

RORY

We were supposed to have a week.

LORELAI

Okay, tonight we stay home and pack. Tomorrow we get up early. We'll get all the stuff you need, and that will give us time to watch at least two Godfather's and a Sofia dying. We'll still have a partial day and a great biscotti night.

RORY

Chinese.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Food. Order it. Go.

LORELAI

No, no time for full sentences!

RORY

Right.

LORELAI

Ordering!

LORELAI

I'm so wiped. I shouldn't have taken that third Excedrin PM last night.

RORY

Third? Why'd you take three?

LORELAI

Oh, well, uh, originally I took two, then somewhere around four in the morning, I woke up and had a major Marilyn moment.

RORY

Oh, no.

LORELAI

Yeah. I forgot that I'd taken something and so I popped a third one and now I'm about ready to sleep with a Kennedy.

RORY

Well, I hear Kerry's available.

LORELAI

Okay, let's sit. God, Mr. Jet Lag wants to be my best friend.

RORY

Well, do you wanna go home and rest?

LORELAI

No. We have a Godfather night to salvage. Check the list.

RORY

Okay, we got the sheets, towels, bathroom shower caddy, and the basic first aid accoutrement. We still need to hit the beauty supply, the hardware store, stationery store.

LORELAI

The mattress store.

RORY

You do know that they supply you with a mattress at the dorm.

LORELAI

Yeah. A mattress that decades of students in various states of cleanliness have slept on. Some without pajamas.

RORY

Gross.

LORELAI

Exactly.

RORY

We've been running around for hours and this list isn't getting any shorter. We're never gonna finish.

LORELAI

Stop. Yes, we are. We just need to split up. We'll get all this done quicker. I'll take the, uh, beauty supply and you take the stationery store, and we'll meet back here in twenty minutes.

RORY

Okay. Oh, boy.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Well, I'm gonna walk right past that stupid grand opening.

LORELAI

Well, I would take the stationery store, but you're so weird about what kind of pens you like.

RORY

No, no. I'll just... I'll walk really fast. Maybe Taylor won't notice me.

LORELAI

Yeah. You better walk really fast, like warp speed Mr. Sulu kind of fast.

RORY

Let's go.

LORELAI

Twenty minutes!

TAYLOR

...since these and many other flavors await your tongues at Taylor's Old Fashioned Soda Shoppe and Candy Store. I wanna thank you all for coming here today to help us celebrate our grand opening. Now, originally we were supposed to have our Ice Cream Queen here, but unfortunately, kids, she was just too busy. She just couldn't find time in her busy queen schedule to come play with all of you here today.

TAYLOR

I know, Christy, but take heart, we still have balloons and music, and as a special treat a little later, a skydiver is going to drop from the sky and land right here in front of Taylor's Old Fashioned Soda Shoppe and Candy Store. Isn't that great, kids? A skydiver who isn't too busy to come play with you will be here soon.

LORELAI

Hey, Kirk.

KIRK

Hello.

LORELAI

Hey, I'm looking for a good daytime cream and a good nighttime cream.

KIRK

For you?

LORELAI

No, for Rory.

KIRK

Is she sensitive, prone to breakouts if the cream is too heavy?

LORELAI

Yeah.

KIRK

I thought so. Okay, first of all, I would stay far away from that one.

LORELAI

Oh.

KIRK

Much too rich for her. This one is light with a fresh citrus scent and it is completely natural.

LORELAI

We like that.

KIRK

Now, for day, I would recommend something with a sunscreen. Rory has a classic peaches and cream complexion, and it would be a crime if, when she got older, her face started to look like a cowboy.

LORELAI

I couldn't agree more.

KIRK

All right. This should work.

LORELAI

Thank you.

KIRK

You know, I heard you got back from your trip.

LORELAI

Yup, I'm living proof.

KIRK

Miss Patty showed me the castanets you brought her.

LORELAI

Oh yeah?

KIRK

Yeah. And Andrew showed me the T-shirt from the Picasso museum. I must admit, I was a little jealous. I mean, I hate Picasso, but I love T-shirts.

LORELAI

Oh.

KIRK

And Pete seemed to really enjoy the Tower of London nutcracker you brought him.

LORELAI

Kirk.

KIRK

A nutcracker's a very useful thing to have around. I can't tell you how many times I've been sitting in my living room with a nut thinking, "if only I had a way to crack this."

LORELAI

Okay, Kirk, I'm really sorry, we got a little messed up on the presents. It just got so crazy over there. I mean, we forgot to bring something back for Luke.

KIRK

I heard he got jam.

LORELAI

Fake jam.

KIRK

I love fake jam.

LORELAI

You know what, I'm gonna make this up to you, okay?

KIRK

Really?

LORELAI

I promise. We never meant to forget you.

KIRK

Oh. Okay, well, sure. You can make it up to me.

LORELAI

Okay. Now how much do I owe you?

KIRK

45.50. You're, uh, you're lucky you came in when you did. I'm closing a little early today.

LORELAI

Ooh, well, lucky me.

KIRK

Yup. [he puts on a skydiver's backpack]

LORELAI

Kirk, no.

KIRK

Taylor paid me twenty dollars to jump out of a plane for the grand opening.

LORELAI

No.

KIRK

But I took a lesson. The guy said I was a natural at falling.

LORELAI

Kirk, listen to me, this is the best gift I could possibly give you - don't do that, okay?

KIRK

Do I still get the jam?

KID 1

Thanks a lot.

KID 2

Yale can have you.

LORELAI

Honey. Hey, did you get your silly pens?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Okay, good. Now I can mark these two things off, and we only have about ten thousand other things to do.

RORY

Great.

LORELAI

You know, I think the only way we're gonna get this all done is if we prioritize.

RORY

Meaning?

LORELAI

Something has to go.

RORY

Biscotti night.

LORELAI

No, not biscotti night. I think we should bail on Friday night dinner.

RORY

Cancel on Grandma?

LORELAI

Yes, cancel on Grandma.

RORY

I can't do that.

LORELAI

Rory, we need to get this stuff before tomorrow. There's no way we can do that if we have to drive all the way to Hartford and back. She'll understand. Well, the first part was true.

RORY

I can't skip dinner.

LORELAI

Come on, we're gonna go to dinner next week and every week after that for the rest of our lives. And I do mean the rest of our lives because my parents will outlive us. The damned can do that.

RORY

Mom, I made a deal. This is why I get to go to Yale. I can't back out.

LORELAI

It's our last night.

RORY

I have to go. You don't have to, but I do.

LORELAI

What do you mean I don't have to go?

RORY

I was very clear when I made this deal that it was only for me.

LORELAI

You're right, I don't have to go. Boy, that's an oddly liberating feeling. I don't have to go. I don't have to go. I do not have to go to dinner.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Hang on, I'm not done. I do not have to go ever if I'm not in the mood.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

I'm not going. I'll finish up all the errands.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Yes. You go and you eat really fast and then get out of there. Meet me back here 9:30, 10 at the latest, and we'll do Godfather I through "Monday, Tuesday, Thursday," and a quick Sofia dying.

RORY

Deal.

LORELAI

Remember, eat fast.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

Bye.

TAYLOR

Now just picture her sitting here just like this, smiling and waving. 'Hello kids, I'm the Ice Cream Queen.'

RORY

Okay, that's it. I humiliate myself at least six times a year for this town, and just because I'm going to Yale, that's not going to stop. Now the reason I am not the Ice Cream Queen is because Taylor never asked me. I didn't know about it, and that's why I was busy. Now I love this town, I will be back in that ridiculous pilgrim outfit at Thanksgiving, so everybody just get off my back.

EMILY

Richard, they're here! Put those papers away and fix your tie.

RORY

Hey, Grandma.

EMILY

Hello, Rory.

RORY

Nice to see you.

EMILY

It's nice to see you, too. Come on in.

RORY

I'm sorry I'm a little late.

EMILY

Well, you're here now and that's all that matters. Shall we go into the living room?

RORY

Yes. Then I can give you your present.

EMILY

My present? Well, that sounds very interesting.

RORY

We bought it for you in Paris because Mom said you loved Paris the most.

EMILY

I wonder what it could be.

RORY

For you.

EMILY

Oh my, it's lovely, Rory, really. Just beautiful.

RORY

It was between this and the Arc de Triumphe, but Mom said that the Eiffel Tower was fancier.

EMILY

I agree, and I love it. Thank you.

RORY

You're welcome.

EMILY

So, where is your mother tonight? Not sick, I hope.

RORY

Oh, no, she's fine. She just had some things to do.

EMILY

Ah, things.

RORY

Errands, actually.

EMILY

Errands, of course.

RORY

But she'll be here next week, and she says she's looking forward to it.

RICHARD

Emily, I'm expecting a call and there's nothing I can do about it, so please don't be upset when I leave the table. Rory, how lovely to see you. Well, how was the first European excursion?

RORY

It was perfect.

EMILY

Lorelai had chores to do tonight.

RICHARD

Chores?

EMILY

Errands, you know.

RICHARD

Errands?

EMILY

Yes, that's why she didn't come, she had to run errands. But she'll be here next week, and she's looking forward to it. Isn't that nice?

RICHARD

I suppose.

EMILY

I think so, too. Would you like to see my present?

RICHARD

Well, that's very nice. That'll fit right in with your collection, Emily.

EMILY

Yes, it will.

RORY

We got something for you, too, Grandpa. [hands him a gift]

RICHARD

Well, I guess you're not the only one who gets a treat tonight.

EMILY

Oh, and just when I thought I was special.

RICHARD

Look at that. That's beautiful.

RORY

We found this amazing pipe store in Copenhagen and the man there can carve anything you want. His family's been doing it for over a hundred and fifty years. And they had a whole set of Alice in Wonderland pipes that Mom wanted to get, but they were way too expensive so we just got the Queen of Hearts.

RICHARD

Well, I love it.

EMILY

Yes, and you're gonna love it outside on the patio.

RICHARD

As you wish, my dear. [the phone rings] That's my call, that's my call.

EMILY

Hurry back, or we'll start without you.

RICHARD

Five minutes. Ten, tops. [leaves room]

EMILY

He'll be an hour.

RORY

Is his new business going well?

EMILY

Oh, who knows? He's not in the room long enough to find out.

MAID

Dinner is served, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

All right, Gerta. Well, I guess we should go in and eat.

RORY

What about Grandpa?

EMILY

Oh, we'll save him something.

RORY

Okay.

RICHARD

So, Rory, tell me, how were the Gundersons?

RORY

The who?

RICHARD

The Gundersons. Our friends in Zurich. The ones we told you two to look up when you got there.

RORY

Oh, the Gundersons, right.

RICHARD

I tell ya, they better have given you a first class welcome. Especially after that son of theirs squatted here for over a month last year.

EMILY

And ruined the rug in the guest room.

RICHARD

That's right. Hope you ruined one of their rugs as well.

RORY

Actually, we, um, we didn't get a chance to see the Gundersons.

RICHARD

Hm?

EMILY

Why not? Were they out of town?

RORY

Well, I -

RICHARD

You did go to Zurich, didn't you?

RORY

Yes, but, you know, Zurich was so crazy for us that we just figured, 'Ah, we'll just catch 'em next time.'

RICHARD

You didn't call them?

RORY

You know, there really wasn't time.

RICHARD

Well, what about the Egerholms in Denmark? Is their new house a monstrosity?

RORY

Well, if you think Zurich was hectic, then Denmark was just... whoo!

RICHARD

You didn't call them?

RORY

Um, no.

RICHARD

The Rezoscos in Florence?

RORY

No.

RICHARD

The Talbots in London?

RORY

We were only in London for two days.

RICHARD

Well, who did you look up when you went to Europe?

RORY

Jim Morrison says hello.

RICHARD

You didn't look up one of our friends? We must've given you fifteen names.

RORY

I know, but we got so caught up in the backpacking aspect of it that it just kind of slipped our minds.

RICHARD

You know what that means, Emily. We're going to have to stay with the Gundersons when we go to Zurich in the fall.

EMILY

Rory, would you like another piece of chicken?

RICHARD

Tiresome people.

RORY

I've already had two, Grandma.

RICHARD

I'm sorry, why are we friends with them again?

EMILY

Well, just take it and nibble at it if you want to. Gerta, you can put the soufflé in now.

RORY

Soufflé?

EMILY

Yes, we're going to have a special dessert, something to celebrate your homecoming.

RICHARD

Well, why didn't she put it in the oven when we sat down to dinner? Those things take forever to cook.

EMILY

You know, every time we go to Paris, I marvel at their ability to turn a simple meal into a three or four hour event. Makes every day seem like a party. So tonight, I thought we'd be European. I thought maybe we'd have a cheese plate before dessert and coffee. How does that sound? Bon?

RORY

Oh, yes. Very... bon.

EMILY

It's nice to mix it up once in awhile. Oh, I have a wonderful idea. Rory, have you ever seen a ballroom dancing competition?

RORY

Uh, no.

EMILY

You would love it. It is so exciting, and the costumes are beautiful. I've been taping them since 1978. Can you imagine?

RORY

No.

EMILY

All right, then. After dessert, you and I are going to hunker down in that den that we never use and I am pulling out those tapes. We'll just start at the beginning and see how far we get. Perfect, here's the cheese. I'll take that, Gerta. Richard, do you want to start?

LUKE

Jeez, you think you go to a fancy school like Yale there'd be a mattress in the room.

LORELAI

Yeah. Go figure, huh?

LUKE

You packed her stuff in Hefty bags?

LORELAI

Hey, she's lucky I even had these in the house.

LUKE

If you needed luggage, you should've asked me.

LORELAI

You have luggage?

LUKE

Yes, I have luggage. Why wouldn't I have luggage?

LORELAI

You never go anywhere.

LUKE

I just went on a seven-country cruise.

LORELAI

That's right, the mystery cruise that you don't wanna talk about.

LUKE

I told you I brought luggage. What more info do you need?

LORELAI

Why won't you tell me what happened?

LUKE

Because.

LORELAI

Why? Luke, I swear, I'm dying to know, but every time I bring it up, you spaz out. Why won't you tell me? I would tell you.

LUKE

Yes, but I wouldn't wanna know.

LORELAI

Did something happen with you and Nicole?

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

What? Did you propose?

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

Oh my God, you proposed?

LUKE

Yes, I proposed.

LORELAI

This is big. This is huge.

LUKE

There's more.

LORELAI

There's more? Okay, well, what? Did she say yes?

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

She said yes. You proposed and she said yes. Wow, I -

LUKE

There's more.

LORELAI

And there's more after you proposed and she said yes? What, you -

LUKE

We got married.

LORELAI

You got married? How could you get married?

LUKE

We asked the captain and he married us.

LORELAI

And that's legal?

LUKE

Apparently.

LORELAI

So you're married? You're legally married? This is just -

LUKE

Actually, there's a little more.

LORELAI

And she's pregnant. Oh my God, you finally reproduced.

LUKE

We're getting divorced.

LORELAI

I'm gonna sit down now.

LUKE

It just all happened so fast.

LORELAI

Well, yeah.

LUKE

I mean, you're on this boat in the middle of nowhere and everything's moving and you feel weird all the time. There's this endless supply of food and drink. Uh, midnight buffets, by the way, are the reason the rest of the world hates us. And everyone around us was either in love, engaged, or celebrating their hundredth wedding anniversary, and we were having a good time... and there you go.

LORELAI

There you go.

LUKE

Of course, the next morning we both woke up and realized we'd lost our minds. We tried to ignore it for awhile, you know, went snorkeling, but by the time we hit land, we were separated, and now we're getting divorced.

LORELAI

Okay, well, my jet lag and your love life is making me dizzy. Is there more?

LUKE

Nope, that's it.

LORELAI

I'm sorry.

LUKE

Ah, it's okay.

LORELAI

Well, look on the bright side. I mean, now that you've been married, it'll silence all those questions.

LUKE

What questions?

LORELAI

You know, a single man of a certain age who lives alone.

LUKE

You're kidding.

LORELAI

Hey, I always defended you. I always said, "Hey, so what if he is?"

LUKE

Thank you for your support.

LORELAI

[answers] Hello?

RORY

She's taken me hostage.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

She's not letting me leave. Dinner lasted an hour. She didn't even put the soufflé in the oven until we'd already finished, and now we're watching taped ballroom dancing competitions that date back to the 1800's.

LORELAI

You haven't left yet?

RORY

Are you listening to me? I can't leave. She won't let me leave ever. This is Iran in '79 and you are Jimmy Carter. What do we do?

LORELAI

Well, first we have to lose the Jimmy Carter comparison, and second, I have to come get you. This is about me and me not showing up, so maybe if I put in an appearance, she'll let you go.

RORY

Okay, but come quickly because she's got a lot of tapes and they rewind really slow.

LORELAI

I'm on my way. [hangs up] Um, hey, so, uh, I have to go get Rory.

LUKE

Everything okay?

LORELAI

Uh, yeah. You know, my mother's a psycho, so... business as usual.

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Thanks for the help.

LUKE

Sure.

LORELAI

And I am sorry.

LUKE

I'll be fine.

KIRK

Strong wind.

EMILY

Now I think you're really going to see quite a difference from the early eighties. They really start to mix it up in '88.

RORY

Mmhmm.

EMILY

Oh, see right there, see that move? Five years ago it was not allowed. Could've gotten you kicked right out.

RORY

That's harsh.

EMILY

Oh, yes. Ballroom dancing can be very harsh. Oh, look. The couple in the purple feathers - that's Corky and Shirley Ballas. I love them, they are so talented. Corky's actually writing a musical based on their life as ballroom champions, and their son, Corky Jr., is going to play him as a young man.

RORY

Wow. Two Corky's in one show. Don't see that everyday.

LORELAI

Hey.

RORY

Mom, hi!

LORELAI

There you guys are.

EMILY

What are you doing here?

LORELAI

Well, you know, it's funny, I just happen to be in the neighborhood and I thought to myself, I wonder what's doing at the Gilmore house.

RORY

We're watching National Ballroom Dancing competitions.

LORELAI

You are? Well, that sounds fun. Mind if I watch with you?

EMILY

I don't think you'd enjoy it.

LORELAI

Oh, no, I'm sure I would.

EMILY

Well, you've already missed the beginning.

LORELAI

I'm betting you could catch me up.

EMILY

Rory, would you go ask Gerta if she would make me some tea?

RORY

Uh, sure, Grandma. [leaves]

LORELAI

No, nothing for me, Mom. Thanks. Um, so what's new?

EMILY

Well, you obviously weren't just in the neighborhood, so why don't you tell me what you're doing here?

LORELAI

Uh, you know, I came to see you.

EMILY

You came to get Rory.

LORELAI

Mom, she's been here for hours. Patty Hearst had a shorter incarceration.

EMILY

She's not being held hostage, Lorelai. I resent that. She's spending time with me, something you obviously don't want to do.

LORELAI

Mom, I'm sorry I missed dinner tonight.

EMILY

Come to dinner, don't come to dinner, it makes no difference to me. You are under no obligation to us any longer.

LORELAI

I know, but -

EMILY

You're very busy, I understand. I wouldn't wanna keep you any longer.

LORELAI

Mom, please, let me take Rory with me.

EMILY

No. Tonight is my night with Rory.

LORELAI

You're keeping her from me on purpose.

EMILY

If Rory wants to leave, she can ask to leave. She's not a four-year old.

LORELAI

Well, she's not gonna hurt your feelings by asking to leave.

EMILY

Why should she? She knows you'll be along any second to do it for her.

LORELAI

Mom, why do you always make everything so hard? Don't you understand, this is my last night with my daughter! She goes off to college tomorrow!

EMILY

I know, which is why I was so surprised you didn't want to spend the evening with her.

LORELAI

I do!

EMILY

Then you should've come!

LORELAI

I couldn't!

EMILY

You wouldn't!

LORELAI

Ugh, I swear to God! Where's Dad?

EMILY

Oh, he went to bed hours ago.

LORELAI

He went to bed?

EMILY

Well, it was getting late.

EMILY

Why are you laughing?

LORELAI

Um, you know, you've got Rory locked in here with the Mambo Kings, and, um, and Dad went to bed.

EMILY

So what? Why is that funny?

LORELAI

Because... you know, she's here and he's there and... God, I'm so tired.

RORY

What's so funny?

EMILY

Oh, she's having a fit.

RORY

Mom?

LORELAI

Oh my God. [laughs harder]

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I just got the Jimmy Carter reference.

EMILY

As soon as you're both done...

RORY

Oh, watch this. This part's really good.

LORELAI

Ouch, that has got to hurt.

RORY

Cool, huh?

LORELAI

Extremely. Plus, the whole matching haircut thing adds a level of commitment to their act that the other acts just lack. Oh, hey, careful where you put the hand there, mister.

RORY

You know they rehearse every night, plus they have classes, plus they go to the gym four times a week?

LORELAI

Hm. Oh my God, she's balancing on his hand. He is like Superman. Or Wonder Woman. Either way, he's very strong.

RORY

So, tomorrow...

LORELAI

Yeah, tomorrow.

RORY

It's a big day.

LORELAI

It's a really big day.

RORY

I just hope it's everything I've been imagining it to be.

LORELAI

Yeah. I just hope you actually get there.

LORELAI

You know, if Sofia could just die during a fox trot, that would be perfect.

RORY

Biscotti?

LORELAI

Yes, please.

LORELAI

They're all broken.

RORY

I know. I like 'em that way.