T4E2: “The Lorelais’ First Day at Yale”

RORY

I've got too much stuff.

LORELAI

[calls from upstairs] What?

RORY

Stuff! And it's your fault. You inculcated into me a tolerance for rampant consumerism.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

When did I become one of those girls with dozens of beauty products, none of which are expendable? It used to be a touch of mascara, dab of Coppertone, zip, bam, boom, out the door.

LORELAI

I heard copper and boom.

RORY

Never mind. And what's going on? We're late.

LORELAI

I'm looking for the camera.

RORY

Oy vey, she's looking for the camera.

LORELAI

I heard that.

RORY

That she hears.

LORELAI

It is my prerogative as your mother to record any event in my daughter's life that I so choose. It's in the mother's handbook.

RORY

Does Luke know that you can't drive a stick?

LORELAI

Why?

RORY

Because you borrowed his truck and it's a stick.

LORELAI

I can drive a stick.

RORY

You can stir coffee with a stick, but you can't drive a stick.

LORELAI

Okay, I am glad I did not choose to record that particular moment in my daughter's life 'cause that was just ugly.

RORY

I just want you to get there in one piece.

LORELAI

You look out for me.

RORY

Let's hit the road.

LORELAI

Oh, wait, wait, this is it! This is the precise moment that I've been looking for. This is my daughter going off to college, this is my shot!

RORY

Okay, fine.

LORELAI

Okay, I'm lining you up, now look candid.

RORY

Okay, see, the very definition of candid means that the subject doesn't know the picture's being taken.

LORELAI

So forget the camera's there.

RORY

I'll try.

LORELAI

And smile.

RORY

Okay, okay.

LORELAI

I'm not happy.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

It looks posed.

RORY

How about this?

LORELAI

Yeah, you know the stick we were talking about before? It looks like it's somewhere else now.

RORY

You're having serious Annie Leibovitz delusions here.

LORELAI

But it just looks like you're standing in the house. No one will know that you're going off to college.

RORY

Shall I hold a sign?

LORELAI

Or you could do the "going off to college" walk.

RORY

The what?

LORELAI

The walk, the this. [imitates the walk]

RORY

You look like Alfalfa coming to pick up Darla.

LORELAI

Here, hold some of your stuff. At least it'll look like you're moving or something.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Ugh, it looks like you're taking out the trash.

RORY

Okay, that's it, we're going.

LORELAI

All right. I'll just have to make do with one of the pictures I already took.

RORY

Good.

LORELAI

Ooh, I'll put it on the computer and then superimpose an important person standing next to you seeing you off, like Kissinger or Lady Bird Johnson or Pat Summerall or something.

RORY

Pat Summerall?

LORELAI

Well, you think of somebody better.

RORY

Orson Welles.

LORELAI

It can't be a dead person.

RORY

Pat Summerall's dead.

LORELAI

No, he's not.

RORY

Pat Summerall is dead.

LORELAI

No, I'm telling you, he's not. Lady Bird Johnson is dead.

RORY

No, she's not.

LORELAI

How much you wanna bet?

RORY

Five bucks.

LORELAI

Let's google him right now.

RORY

Mom, Yale?

LORELAI

Yeah, Yale can wait for us to google Pat Summerall.

RORY

Come.

LORELAI

Where are your priorities?

RORY

Hey, Luke.

LUKE

Hey, Rory. Isn't today Yale?

RORY

Um, yeah, I'm going right now.

LUKE

You look so calm. How do you feel?

RORY

A little nervous, but a last Luke's fix before I go will help.

LUKE

Well, today is whatever you want on the house.

RORY

Wow, I feel important.

LUKE

You are important. Where's your mom?

RORY

She's coming. She's having a wee bit of trouble with your truck.

LUKE

What is she doing?

RORY

Well, she, uh, backed the truck out of our driveway all fine and everything, but once she hit the road, she couldn't get it out of reverse, so she -

LUKE

Backed it here?

RORY

Slow but steady.

LORELAI

Something's wrong with your truck.

LUKE

Nothing's wrong with my truck. Stop the truck.

LORELAI

It won't go out of reverse.

LUKE

You can't drive a stick.

LORELAI

I can't drive an uncooperative stick.

LUKE

My stick's not uncooperative. Come on, hit the brakes.

LORELAI

Okay, good luck. I don't think it's gonna happen.

LORELAI

This is a misogynistic truck!

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

It's anti-woman, it's gender-selective, it's "Oh, let's drink a beer and watch the game and hike our shorts up."

LUKE

I changed my mind, you can't borrow my truck.

LORELAI

But it's full of our stuff.

LUKE

You should've hired movers.

LORELAI

You could've said no when I asked to borrow the truck.

LUKE

You said you could drive a stick.

LORELAI

Yeah, not the Joe Sixpack of sticks. Not the "Oh, let's scratch our bellies and eat some corn nuts and pick our teeth."

LORELAI

Really, Luke, I can drive it.

LUKE

Okay, fine. Just be careful and have it back by four.

LORELAI

Four-ish it is.

LUKE

Four, I need it at four.

LORELAI

: Give or take a few min-

LUKE

Four.

LORELAI

: God, he's so possessive about the stupid truck.

LUKE

It's my truck, I possess it!

LORELAI

: I'm just kidding. I'll have it back by four, calm down.

LUKE

Okay, I'm just... I'm not in much of a kidding mood with all this other stuff going on. Divorce papers. Fun, huh?

LORELAI

Zero fun. Sorry, Luke.

LUKE

It's not that I wasn't expecting them, it's just... the law firm that Nicole works for sent them. I called with a simple question they could've answered over the phone, but they insisted on sending someone down to see me.

LORELAI

I take it you're not looking forward to that.

LUKE

I'm about to build a moat of fire.

CAESAR

Here you go, Rory. [hands her a bag]

RORY

Thanks, Caesar. Since we were short on time, I had them make us something to go. My Yale special.

LORELAI

Oh, share, share.

RORY

Sausage wrapped in a pancake tied together with bacon.

LORELAI

You made that up?

RORY

I don't know how I do it.

LUKE

Here. [shows Lorelai a piece of paper]

LORELAI

What's this?

LUKE

A shift diagram for the truck, nice and simple. D is for drive, R is for -

LORELAI

The R in drive!

LUKE

R is for reverse.

LORELAI

Right, reverse.

LUKE

And one is -

LORELAI

The loneliest number that you'll ever know!

LUKE

The first gear.

LORELAI

I know, Luke. Really, I can handle it.

LUKE

I hope so.

RORY

Thanks, Luke.

LUKE

Good luck, Rory. [sees a man enter the diner] Oh, goody, a guy in a suit.

LORELAI

Good luck to you.

RUSSELL

LUKE

Unfortunately.

RUSSELL

I'm Russell Bynes. I'm with Blodgett, Sage, Albet, Pettruccio, Stein, Lemming, and Stein, attorneys for Nicole Diana Leahy.

LUKE

And the sun just went down, thanks for coming.

RUSSELL

Pardon me?

LUKE

You're wasting your time. I had a simple question, where do I sign? It didn't require a personal visit.

RUSSELL

Whoa, whoa, there's no place to sign because this is just a document informing the defendant of the type of action being filed.

LUKE

What are you talking about? Who's the defendant?

RUSSELL

You are.

LUKE

Oh my God.

RUSSELL

Didn't you read the papers?

LUKE

Yeah, the Red Sox lost by three, Bush is at the ranch chatting up a Swiss dude.

RUSSELL

The divorce papers.

LUKE

I know what you meant. Look, I didn't kill anyone. Nicole and I just kind of accidentally got married and now we want out. We both want the same thing.

RUSSELL

Don't try to play me,

LUKE

I'm too busy for this.

RUSSELL

Fine, because I should just be dealing with your legal representation.

LUKE

I don't believe this.

RUSSELL

Not giving us your lawyer's information is only going to prolong the process.

LUKE

Okay, if I give you my lawyer's name, will you leave?

RUSSELL

I will leave.

LUKE

Okay, you ready?

RUSSELL

Yes.

LUKE

His name is Don Dewey. He works at the firm of Dewey...

RUSSELL

Dewey.

LUKE

Cheatham...

RUSSELL

Cheatham.

LUKE

And Howe.

RUSSELL

Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. That was very immature.

LUKE

Yeah, well, tickled me.

RUSSELL

My bosses are gonna wanna hear this.

LUKE

Oh, come on, they've heard that one before. Oh, hey, if you want Don's number, it's 555-5555.

LUKE

I thought you were gone.

LORELAI

Nothing's where it says it is.

LORELAI

It's gonna be fine.

RORY

Nice score!

LORELAI

Thank you. Oh, and later, I'll, uh, point out the seven or so fellow Yalies who already hate you because your obnoxious mother wouldn't let them park in the only open spot left.

RORY

Oh, goody. You get the truck here okay?

LORELAI

Oh, we had some bickering, but we made it.

TESS

Hello. Name?

LORELAI

Oh, hey. I was told it was okay to hold the spot. A guy told me, I forget his name. He had, uh, like, a jacket.

TESS

It's okay. I was just wondering what our newcomer's name is.

RORY

Rory Gilmore.

LORELAI

Right, Rory Gilmore

TESS

[checks list] Rory Gilmore, Rory Gilmore... there you are. Welcome to Yale.

LORELAI

Oh, hold the shake, hold the shake.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Wait, lens cap, lens cap.

RORY

Sorry.

TESS

They all do this.

LORELAI

Shake. [takes picture] Got it. Who are you?

TESS

I'm Tess, I'm Rory's freshman counselor. I'll be living in the building and be there for whatever she needs.

LORELAI

And you look twenty-one, convenient for beer runs.

TESS

I'll be giving a tour for Durfee girls you should not miss.

RORY

Oh, I know. Tour's at twelve, followed by the optional express lunch twelve to two, which is all followed by the telecommunications orientation and internet ID distribution, parents' reception eleven to one.

TESS

You memorized the schedule.

LORELAI

Yeah, she's not weird or anything, she just has a good memory.

TESS

And I see you brought your own mattress.

LORELAI

Oh, right. See, the guy... name, name, name. I forget his name. Three syllables. Uh, he said it was okay, and he had, like, a mustache.

TESS

It's allowed as long as you make arrangements to dispose of the one that was already there. Did you do that?

LORELAI

Yes, we did.

RORY

Yes.

TESS

Good. Get your camera ready.

LORELAI

Why?

TESS

I'm giving Rory her key.

LORELAI

Thanks for the warning. [takes picture]

TESS

See you at the tour.

RORY

Yes, Tess, thank you.

RORY

So, she's nice.

LORELAI

Yeah. I'm dying to see your room. Come on, grab a bag.

RORY

So, you made arrangements to get rid of the old mattress?

LORELAI

Yes, I did.

RORY

Really?

RORY

Because it specifically says here that you're supposed to make arrangements to have the old mattress picked up before arrival.

LORELAI

Ooh, very grand.

RORY

So, what time are the mattress guys coming?

LORELAI

Uh, later today sometime.

RORY

So we have to wait in the room for them, or...

LORELAI

I think they just let themselves in. Here we are.

RORY

So do the mattress guys have their own key?

LORELAI

All right, I confess, I didn't call the mattress guys.

RORY

Well, what are we gonna do?

LORELAI

We'll find a dumpster.

RORY

Mom, they could trace it back to me.

LORELAI

I'll be long gone by then.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

All right, we'll burn it before we dump it. A match, a little gasoline.

RORY

We're here five minutes and we're already contemplating felonies.

LORELAI

Just like I pictured it.

RORY

Did you see an emergency exit?

LORELAI

A fireplace, too! I wonder if it's woodburning.

RORY

It says here, "Upon arrival, please take note of the emergency exits."

LORELAI

Hey, hey, we could burn the mattress in there, save us a trip.

RORY

Aw, man, a piece of my map ripped off.

LORELAI

Which one's your room?

RORY

I'm missing half of the Old Campus.

LORELAI

R.G. This is it.

RORY

If I have Old Campus activities today, I'm screwed.

LORELAI

Here it is. Here's where you're going to be thinking all those impressive thoughts. It's just waiting for your decorative stamp. And a little air freshener.

RORY

Where's the phone jack?

LORELAI

I don't know, Jack. Where is the pesky phone?

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

You're one-note Nancy today.

RORY

Ah, here's a place to get replacement maps. Aw, holy cow, it's in Old Campus!

LORELAI

All right, that's it.

RORY

Hey, what are you doing?

LORELAI

You just missed it.

RORY

Missed what?

LORELAI

Walking into your dorm suite for the first time. Do over.

RORY

What? We're short on time here and we haven't unloaded.

LORELAI

It doesn't matter. You're gonna be in the moment.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

You're gonna be in the moment or the rest of the map gets it.

RORY

No. Okay, I'm here, I swear.

LORELAI

You're not placating me?

RORY

I'll try. Really, I'm all here.

LORELAI

Good. Oh, here's your suite.

RORY

Cool.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

Huh?

RORY

It is cool. My own space.

LORELAI

Well, yours and P.G.'s and J.B.'s and T.S.'s.

RORY

And a fireplace. Did you see the fireplace?

LORELAI

Was this do over justified or what?

RORY

You mentioned thoughts in here?

LORELAI

Mm, all the great ones you're gonna have.

RORY

And air freshener?

LORELAI

That, too.

RORY

Thanks for putting me in the moment.

LORELAI

My pleasure.

RORY

It's something I would have not wanted to miss.

LORELAI

Good. And thank you.

RORY

For what?

LORELAI

For pretending that you're not at this moment thinking about missing your tour, finding your phone jack, navigating the Old Campus.

RORY

It's my gift to you.

LORELAI

Let's go unload and get you a new map.

RORY

Bless you.

TESS

Just keep in mind, guys, the dining hall hours are cast in stone - you snooze, you lose. And it's a post-9/11 world, so your ID's are important. You'll be asked for it a lot, so always have it, always, always. It also operates the laundry machines and is also your meal card. That's right, it's practically magic, so don't lose it.

TOUR GUIDE

If you're stupid enough to get ripped, I'm here to help, but I do not hold buckets, if you get my drift. Now, pay attention to street parking, it is severely restricted in most places. Walk or take the shuttle when you can.

TESS

First floor Durfee.

TOUR GUIDE

Third floor Bingham.

TESS

They're babies.

TOUR GUIDE

Tots. Third floor Bingham, through the gate, make a left.

TESS

Get an internet ID whether you think you'll use it or not. It'll be your name at yale.edu, and there's no changing what you get.

GIRL

Think there's gonna be a test?

RORY

Probably not. Oh, you were joking. Good one.

TESS

No bottlenecks, girls. There's about a hundred behind you waiting for the same stuff. Do not get precious about your ID pictures. They are what they are.

GIRL

Did you get that down? They are what they are.

RORY

I'll remember.

PHOTO GUY

Next!

GIRL

That would be you.

RORY

What?

PHOTO GUY

It's picture time.

RORY

Oh, sorry. [sits down to get her picture taken] I didn't think pictures were today. Do you mind if I take a second to -

PHOTO GUY

One thousand and one. [takes picture] Next!

TESS

Always have your keys. Never open the door to someone you don't know. Walk in twos at night. That's it, any questions? Later on, you'll have questions. I'll be around. Now go do stuff.

LORELAI

Rory, you back?

LORELAI

Who is that?

RORY

I don't know. She just followed me in here like a puppy dog without saying a word.

LORELAI

Maybe she's lost.

RORY

Or maybe she's one of my new suitemates who I'm already off to a swell start with.

LORELAI

Do you know how vulnerable you are to venereal disease?

RORY

All hail to the queen of the non-sequiturs.

LORELAI

This parent orientation I went to was a nonstop litany of the horrors awaiting college freshman. You're supposed to carry a whistle, a flashlight, a crucifix, and a loaded Glock with you at all times.

RORY

We should go out there. She'll think we're hiding.

LORELAI

Okay, just don't shake hands with her. Bacteria.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Or tell her where you live.

RORY

Too late.

LORELAI

Oh, you touched the doorknob.

RORY

Good grief.

LORELAI

Say something.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Anything. Go, go.

RORY

Hi.

TANNA

Hi. [pause] I'm adopted.

RORY

You're up.

LORELAI

What's your name?

TANNA

Tanna Schrick.

LORELAI

Well, Tanna Schrick, good. We're making some progress. Hi, Tanna Schrick. I'm Lorelai, this is Rory. She'll be living here, too.

RORY

We're suitemates.

TANNA

As they're ransacking your room, professional thieves typically start at the bottom drawer and work their way up. That way they don't have to close drawers before opening the next one. Saves time.

LORELAI

Okay. So, no storing your valuables in the bottom drawer. Got that, Rory? Good tip, Tanna. Thanks.

TANNA

I'm not so great at extemporaneous speaking, so I've memorized some quick conversational facts I can whip out at a moment's notice. Oh, when I get to know you better, I'll memorize some facts that are more specific to your person.

LORELAI

Tanna, how old are you?

TANNA

Sixteen.

RORY

Sixteen?

TANNA

On Tuesday.

LORELAI

Happy birthday, Doogie.

TANNA

Thank you.

LORELAI

And, uh, where are your parents?

TANNA

Oh, at the hotel. Mom's napping, Dad's getting a schvitz.

LORELAI

Okay, well, we still have some more stuff to do, but maybe your parents will be here when I get back. I'd love to meet them.

TANNA

Yeah, well, they make a very good first impression.

LORELAI

I'm sure they do. See you later, kiddo.

RORY

Bye.

TANNA

Oh, hey, um, Rory?

RORY

Yeah?

TANNA

You nervous?

RORY

Oh yeah.

TANNA

Okay, good.

LORELAI

Odd, but nice.

RORY

I'll take it.

LORELAI

So... this is it.

RORY

This is it.

LORELAI

Learn a lot of stuff.

RORY

I'll try.

LORELAI

And, uh, you know, keep in touch.

RORY

Well, we'll at least exchange Christmas cards.

LORELAI

With a letter detailing what's happened over the year.

RORY

And a current photo.

LORELAI

Don't joke!

RORY

You started it.

LORELAI

I was masking my pain.

RORY

You'll see plenty of me.

LORELAI

It's not enough.

RORY

How about tons?

LORELAI

That's better. I love you, did you know that?

RORY

I always suspected it.

LORELAI

Oh, excuse me. A little fridge.

RORY

It's

LORELAI

I want one.

RORY

Well, go get yourself one.

LORELAI

For you, I want one for you.

RORY

I don't need one.

LORELAI

For sodas and stuff when things are closed. Late night cram sessions.

RORY

I guess it would come in handy.

LORELAI

Oh, let's see what these people have going on. [peeks into a room]

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

A rug! A rug for your room to make it cozy. And a vase of flowers.

RORY

Well, the flowers will just die.

LORELAI

They have a vase of the most beautiful fake flowers I've ever seen. Trash cans!

RORY

Oh, you're right.

LORELAI

And a fan. I have been remiss.

RORY

No, you haven't.

LORELAI

I have got another trip to make today.

RORY

No, Mom, you've done enough today.

LORELAI

I want you fully outfitted and settled for your first night or I won't sleep.

RORY

We can get it all later.

LORELAI

No, no. Now go unpack the skimpy amount of stuff I've gotten you so far and I'll be back in a couple of hours. Copper boom.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

It's what you said to me this morning when you were trying to speed me up.

RORY

But you missed a bunch of stuff in between.

LORELAI

I think it's catchy. Go, go, unpack.

RORY

Copper boom!

LORELAI

Copper boom!

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Copper boom!

LORELAI

Hey, Luke. [sees three lawyers sitting at a table] Oops.

LUKE

Shoot me.

LORELAI

Now, or maybe later so you're surprised?

MR. STEIN 1

MR. STEIN 2

As the higher wage earner, Nicole wants a fair settlement.

LUKE

But I want nothing from her, so there's nothing to settle,

MR. STEIN 1

My name is Stein.

LUKE

I thought you were Stein.

MR. STEIN 2

I'm Stein as well.

LUKE

Well, then I'm confused.

MR. BLODGETT

LUKE

Oh, you're four different men, huh? Well, are they all named Stein, too?

MR. BLODGETT

If there's one thing I've learned in this business, it's that no one wants nothing.

MR. STEIN 2

Why won't you hire a lawyer?

LUKE

Why? Because lawyers waste time and money. They're needless middlemen who slither into people's lives when they're at their most vulnerable so they can clamp on and suck like leeches until everyone but them is distraught and penniless.

MR. STEIN 1

Well, I can see why the marriage went bad.

MR. BLODGETT

Here's fair warning,

LUKE

That's what I want!

MR. STEIN 1

There he goes again.

MR. STEIN 2

Maybe we should get Sage and Albet into this.

MR. STEIN 1

Hm. Pettruccio, too.

LUKE

They're gonna multiply like the matrix.

LORELAI

Oh, well...

LUKE

Tell them, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Huh? Tell them what?

MR. BLODGETT

Who's this?

LUKE

This is Lorelai.

MR. STEIN 1

Are you an attorney?

LUKE

No, she's carbon-based.

MR. STEIN 2

And what's her role?

LUKE

Uh, be my character witness or something.

LORELAI

Right, okay. Well, I can vouch for this man. I mean, I know he cared for Nicole, and apparently they both got a little rash. I mean, not in 'apply to affected area twice daily' rash, I mean rash in that they hastily entered into a union.

MR. BLODGETT

We know all this.

LORELAI

But if you think he married her to get something, I know that's not true. He's basically a hermit, and happy to be one. I could show you his place upstairs. I mean, you half expect Hari Krishnas to jump out of the bathroom banging tambourines. All he likes is fishing and watching baseball, and he's got a reel and he's got a TV, so he's all set. So when he says he wants nothing, I know he means it, because when I think of Luke Danes, I think nothing.

LUKE

MR. STEIN 1

Your choice of character witness does nothing to allay our concerns.

LORELAI

Sorry. [goes back to the counter]

MR. BLODGETT

The bottom line, time. If we do not receive a response in this matter, we're just going to have to kick this up a notch.

LUKE

Okay, there is something I want, but I've been holding back.

MR. BLODGETT

As we suspected.

MR. STEIN 2

Let's hear it.

LUKE

Okay, you know Nicole and I went on a cruise, right?

MR. STEIN 2

Oh boy.

MR. STEIN 1

Oh yeah.

LUKE

Well, the first night on the boat we, uh, went to see an act that everyone was raving about. We go in, sit down, they close the door. Turned out to be a guy playing musical drinking glasses. You know, with the half-filled cups that give off different tones. He played Mozart, and I swear I could hear Mozart banging on his coffin. Out of politeness, we stayed, and there went an hour of our lives. Next night, the sign in front of the theater said the entertainment for the night was a guy singing the songs of Sinatra. We verified with the guy at the door, the songs of Frank Sinatra, right? Not Tina, not Frank Jr., not Bill Sinatra, but Ol' Blue Eyes. "Yes," he says. "It's like Frank come to life." We go in, sit down, they close the door. Then they announce that the guy singing Sinatra is sick and the glass-playing guy is filling in. Out he comes, there's goes another hour. Next night, we meet a nice couple while walking the Lido Deck. Had some nice conversation, so we have dinner with them. Everything's going great. Then they invite us to go somewhere afterwards - guess where they took us? That's right, to see the glass guy. Three nights in a row, three hours total. Well, that's what I want - I want those three hours back.

MR. BLODGETT

We'll have to confer on this.

MR. STEIN 1

Maybe do a productivity study.

LUKE

Yeah, get Blobb, Fromm and Pinnuccio in there, too.

MR. BLODGETT

We'll get back to you.

LUKE

I have no doubt.

LORELAI

Wow.

LUKE

I'm exhausted.

LORELAI

Sorry I barged in like that.

LUKE

Trust me, the interruption was welcome.

LORELAI

So, did you check the clock? It's not yet four.

LUKE

Rory safe and sound?

LORELAI

Safe and sound.

LUKE

And the truck?

LORELAI

Well...

LUKE

You wrecked it.

LORELAI

It's not wrecked.

LUKE

I don't see it.

LORELAI

It's around the corner.

LUKE

You wrecked it.

LORELAI

No, but I need to use it awhile longer.

LUKE

Because you wrecked it and it's in the shop.

LORELAI

You really can't afford to alienate your chief character witness.

LUKE

It's full of stuff.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

Why didn't you unload it?

LORELAI

I did, this is my second load.

LUKE

You didn't say anything about a second load.

LORELAI

I didn't know I had to have one 'til I realized what a piker of a mother I'd been compared to the other kids' moms.

LUKE

It's still running.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, turns out that ignition key is just as misogynistic as that stick shift of yours.

LUKE

You just have to jiggle it a little.

LORELAI

You didn't mention any jiggling.

LUKE

It's common sense.

LORELAI

Oh, that.

LUKE

Wait, why is the mattress still there?

LORELAI

Oh, that's not the mattress, that's a mattress.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Rory has the new mattress. That's the Yale-supplied mattress that has microbes in it that date back to Henry Box Brown.

LUKE

Well, what are you gonna do with it?

LORELAI

Well, I was thinking maybe you could store it for me.

LUKE

Uh, no.

LORELAI

Come on.

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

Well, I can't take it back to Yale.

LUKE

I'm not storing your microbe mattress, forget it.

LORELAI

Well, then I'm stuck here.

LUKE

Fine, because I need my truck back.

LORELAI

Fine, but that leaves you with the mattress.

LUKE

I'm not taking the mattress.

LORELAI

Then let me take the truck.

LUKE

But that means you take the mattress.

LORELAI

I can't take the mattress.

LUKE

Then you can't have the truck.

LORELAI

But that sticks you with the mattress.

LUKE

If you take the truck, it comes with the mattress.

LORELAI

I can't take the mattress.

LUKE

Then you can't have the truck.

LORELAI

And that sticks you with the mattress.

LUKE

We've been here before.

LORELAI

I recognize that tree.

RORY

Come on in.

TANNA

Um, another suitemate has arrived.

RORY

Oh yeah?

TANNA

Yeah. She's a little weird. Um, I've already forgotten her name. I'm a disaster with names.

RORY

That's okay.

TANNA

It's the name of a city, like Athens or Rome or something.

PARIS

[from the common room] I'm sure things can be rearranged. I mean, why not? It's a dorm, you're supposed to.

TERRENCE

Let it go.

RORY

Paris?

TANNA

Yeah, that's it.

PARIS

How shocked are you?

RORY

Do you have a resuscitator?

PARIS

I'm going to Yale.

RORY

You're going to Yale.

PARIS

And we're suitemates.

RORY

Of all the gin joints.

PARIS

Give me a hug! Wait. Give me a hug!

RORY

This is a massively big surprise.

PARIS

I was gonna call and then I thought, hey, let's wait and just be right in her face.

RORY

I can't even feel my face anymore.

PARIS

This is a good thing.

RORY

No, yes, it's definitely a good thing. It's just, again, my nose... it feels like clay.

PARIS

Oh, uh, this is Terrence.

RORY

Hello.

TERRENCE

It's nice to finally meet you, Rory.

PARIS

Terrence is my life coach.

RORY

Your what?

PARIS

Don't judge.

RORY

I'm not.

PARIS

Remember my nanny? I lost her over the summer.

RORY

I'm sorry, what happened?

PARIS

She opened a pupuseria in Boise.

RORY

So she's okay?

PARIS

Yeah, but I was pretty lost. Then my rabbi conferred with my therapist who said a hypnotist he knew thought a life coach would be right for me, and that led me to Terrence. He's here to assist me with whatever I need assistance in, from wardrobe to diet to finding me a kick-ass gynecologist.

RORY

That's great, Paris, really.

PARIS

He's done so much for my people skills. I can cope with the little annoyances now. [to Tanna] For instance, the old Paris would've been bothered by your penchant to hover. It would've made her wanna ring your neck until your eyeballs popped out.

TANNA

Oh.

PARIS

But now, I accept it because I can't control everything. Paris Gellar.

RORY

That's Tanna.

TANNA

In medieval times, surnames often reflected a person's origin or occupation so they were descriptive as well as utilitarian.

PARIS

And what does Tanna mean?

TANNA

Nothing.

PARIS

We're gonna have some fun this year.

TANNA

Thank you.

PARIS

How's your face?

RORY

Better, thanks.

PARIS

Is that my room?

RORY

If your initials are P.G., it is.

PARIS

Terrence, I got my southern exposure.

TERRENCE

I'm a happy camper.

RORY

So, weird, weird coincidence that we're roommates like this, huh?

PARIS

Not really. I told Terrence all about our history and he felt very strongly that our life journey was not complete, so my dad made a call.

LORELAI

Luke, this was so nice of you, giving me a hand like this. It was above and beyond the call of duty.

LUKE

Don't start this again.

LORELAI

I'm not starting anything.

LUKE

Good.

LORELAI

I mean, if you just had stored the mattress...

LUKE

That's where we're not starting.

LORELAI

What? It was your choice to come along.

LUKE

I wanted the safe return of my truck without the mattress guaranteed. This was the only way.

LORELAI

You know, I miss our friendship. We used to be so close. The summers at the lake...

LUKE

Let's just move along here, okay?

TESS

Hi, there.

LUKE

Hello.

TESS

Is that your mattress?

LUKE

Well, uh, yeah.

TESS

Hm. Tag has a Yale stamp.

LUKE

Oh, well, when I said it was mine, it's not mine. It belongs in the dorm. We were just driving it around New Haven for awhile.

TESS

Uh huh.

LUKE

To air it out.

TESS

Oh, okay.

LUKE

We're gonna take it right back in.

TESS

Great. [walks away]

LUKE

Thanks for jumping in.

LORELAI

You seemed to have a handle on it.

LUKE

What do we do now?

LORELAI

Unload. [walks away]

LUKE

With the mattress. What do we do with the mattress?

LORELAI

Hi.

RORY

Saw you coming.

LORELAI

What's up?

RORY

You just have to see it.

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Paris?

RORY

And Terrence, her life coach.

LORELAI

Like on Oprah?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Yes. They're setting up her crafts' corner.

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Yes.

PARIS

Lorelai!

LORELAI

Hi, Paris. It's so good to see you.

PARIS

Same here. Terrence, this is Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hi, Terrence.

TERRENCE

Nice to meet you finally.

LORELAI

Finally?

PARIS

You and I have a bit of a journey left to finish as well.

LORELAI

I'll clear my schedule.

PARIS

I was just setting up my craft corner. Some mosaic tiles, some colored beads. Still kind of kids' stuff, but Terrence showed me how working with my hands could help with my nerves.

TANNA

Oh, where are we gonna put the couch?

PARIS

Why don't you just -

TERRENCE

Paris...

PARIS

Come on, Terrence.

TERRENCE

Two steps forward, three steps back.

PARIS

But she was baiting me.

TERRENCE

Fish can choose not to bite.

PARIS

We'll figure it out.

LUKE

This the place?

LORELAI

This is the place.

LORELAI

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, hold it a minute! You can't bring that thing in here.

LUKE

Well, I'm not taking it back out. Hi, Rory.

RORY

Hi, Luke.

LORELAI

No, we're unloading bags and boxes first.

LUKE

Look, that Tess already had her antennae up about the mattress and she wouldn't stop watching me, so I had to do something.

LORELAI

Well, wait until she's gone and then bring it back out.

LUKE

It's heavy. The only way I got it into the building is with help from Chip - his real name, believe it or not. Now I have to go help him unload his stuff because that was the deal.

LORELAI

No, you don't. Blow him off. He's probably busy taping his Carmen Electra poster up on the ceiling above his bed.

LUKE

The mattress stays. Now if you'll excuse me, Chip is waiting. [leaves]

PARIS

Oh no! My glue gun leaked on my macaroni!

TERRENCE

Compartmentalize... and breathe.

RORY

Let's get this thing out of the hallway.

LORELAI

Hey, uh, I got a crisp Benjamin Franklin for anyone willing to disappear a mattress, no questions asked.

RORY

Start pushing.

LORELAI

Anyone? Two Benjamins? Hold on.

LORELAI

Anything else you need, you'll write it down, okay?

RORY

I've got more than I need. Stuff I don't need.

LORELAI

It's all necessary stuff.

RORY

The disco ball?

LORELAI

You cannot host your much-anticipated Salute to Barry White Night without a disco ball.

RORY

I forgot I was anticipating that. Where's Luke?

LORELAI

He's already out at the truck. So, this is it.

RORY

This is really it.

LORELAI

Learn a lot of stuff.

RORY

I'll try.

LORELAI

You'll be a frequent visitor?

RORY

I'll be a frequent visitor.

LORELAI

You can use the washer and the dryer.

RORY

I don't need any inducement.

LORELAI

Good.

RORY

But don't you get rid of that washer and dryer.

LORELAI

I won't. Ciao, baby.

RORY

Bye, Mom.

LUKE

So Chip is like, "Set your side down first" and I'm like, "My side's the side with the leg missing. It's gonna collapse. You put your side down first" and he's like, "I'm losing my grip", which was his excuse with everything we carried in - the TV, the stereo speakers. And I was like -

LORELAI

Oh my God, will you, like, get over this?

LUKE

What's that?

LORELAI

It's my pager. [checks it] Oh no.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

"Come back."

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

It's from Rory. It says "Come back" with about a dozen exclamation points. Uh, move, move.

LUKE

What are you doing?

LORELAI

I gotta borrow your truck.

LUKE

No way.

LORELAI

I gotta go back.

LUKE

Well, then take your own car. Remember that concept?

LORELAI

No, it'll take too long to walk back to get it. Plus, I'm out of gas. Plus, it's been making weird noises and probably can't take a long trip. Please, Luke?

LUKE

I need my truck.

LORELAI

I need it more.

LUKE

You've had it all day.

LORELAI

Don't you care about Rory?

LUKE

Of course I care about Rory. [sighs] Have it back by seven.

LORELAI

Thanks, Luke.

LORELAI

Ooh!

LUKE

That's reverse.

LORELAI

I know. [she drives off]

LORELAI

Rory?

LORELAI

Oh, whoa, oh, honey, honey.

RORY

Look at this, look at this.

LORELAI

Look at what?

RORY

Four hours at Yale and I'm already homesick.

LORELAI

Well, that's okay.

RORY

All I could think of the minute you left was "I want my mommy." I haven't thought that since I was two.

LORELAI

That's natural.

RORY

I'm eighteen. I can sign contracts, I can vote, I can fight for my country. I mean, I'm an adult. Adults don't want their mommies.

LORELAI

Yes, they do, honey. I'm not a good example, but -

RORY

Everything's so foreign. I have to share a bathroom. I've never shared a bathroom with anyone but you. So I'm gonna be running into people in the bathroom, we're gonna have to make small talk. I don't know any bathroom small talk.

LORELAI

Um... gee, your hair smells terrific?

RORY

You didn't socialize me properly. You made me a mama's girl. Why don't I hate you? Why don't I want to be away from you? It's going to be very hard to be Christiane Amanpour broadcasting live from a foxhole in Tehran with my mommy. I guess you're just gonna have to learn how to operate a camera 'cause I'll need you there with me.

LORELAI

I would do that.

RORY

And how did I end up at Yale? I mean, I let Grandma and Grandpa manipulate me right out of Harvard and into Yale. That's how strong-willed I am. I know nothing about Yale.

LORELAI

Not so - you've memorized its entire history.

RORY

How can you be so fine with this? You left here without a care in the world.

LORELAI

That's not true.

RORY

You couldn't wait for me to get out of the house. What were you doing when I paged you - turning my room into a sewing room? I should hate you, not miss you. Do something to make me hate you.

LORELAI

Uh... go Hitler!

RORY

Check this out.

LORELAI

Your student ID?

RORY

I'm blinking and my head's in a funny place.

LORELAI

No, it's not.

RORY

I look like Keith Richards at Altamont. And check out the name.

LORELAI

Ronny Gilmore. Oops.

RORY

Yeah, oops. I don't even exist. And how did they get Ronny? That's not even remotely close to being short for any girl's name in the history of the entire planet.

LORELAI

Well, Veronica, actually... sorry.

RORY

Great, now I have you apologizing to me after I made you come back all this way just 'cause I'm a big fat stinkin' mama's girl. Mom! [hugs her]

LORELAI

I'm here.

RORY

But you're not supposed to be.

LORELAI

Where is it written?

RORY

Well, it's not exactly written, but it's clearly implied that the parents are supposed to leave the campus at some point.

LORELAI

Yeah, at some point. So we choose the point.

RORY

So can you stay for dinner?

LORELAI

I can stay all night.

RORY

No, you can't do that.

LORELAI

Why not?

RORY

Because then I'm the pathetic person who needs her mother to stay all night and everyone here will see and know that.

LORELAI

Okay, so I won't spend the night.

RORY

No, stay the night. [hugs her]

LORELAI

Okay.

LORELAI

I've got Balinese. Where does Bali go?

PARIS

We're still putting everything in geographic order. East to west.

LORELAI

That's the system. Where is Bali?

RORY

Indonesia.

PARIS

Is Indonesia east or west of the Philippines?

TANNA

East.

RORY

No, west.

LORELAI

Near Singapore? We've got Singapore here somewhere.

TANNA

Find Sri Lanka, it's a bit over from that.

LORELAI

But there's no Sri Lankan food.

RORY

Just put it by Vietnam.

PARIS

Is Vietnam east or west of the Philippines?

LORELAI

Ooh, boy, you guys really need to go to college.

RORY

We ordered too much food.

LORELAI

Hello, the point. We need a wide cross section for our local takeout test.

TANNA

I still smell glue from your glue gun.

PARIS

You're rich, you know that?

LORELAI

What is this? You've eaten Indian food, yet I see nothing about Indian food on the chart.

RORY

We'll get to it.

LORELAI

The whole point of getting everything within delivery distance is so we can judge the quality of food, speed of service,

RORY

Where's the phone?

PARIS

Uh, under Mexico.

LORELAI

I bet it's the pizza. Come help.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Hello, eight and a half.

PIZZA GUY

I'm sorry?

RORY

Nothing. We just need to sign for the credit card?

PIZZA GUY

Yes.

LORELAI

Thank you.

RORY

We're four people and we ordered for like four hundred.

LORELAI

So, what you're saying is you wanna crank it up? You wanna set it off? You wanna put a match to the keg and burn this mofo down?

RORY

I'm just saying it's a lot of food.

LORELAI

Attention, Durfee girls!

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Food and tons of it in suite five. Bring your appetites, bring your opinions, and, uh, hey, someone bring some music, but if it's Evanescence, you will be severely mocked. Enter, rejoice and come in.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, ice cream man.

ICE CREAM MAN

Hey.

LORELAI

Here you go.

ICE CREAM MAN

Thanks. Have a nice night.

LORELAI

You, too. Ooh, um, do me a favor? Count to ten before you leave.

ICE CREAM MAN

Sure.

LORELAI

Thanks.

LORELAI

Hey, rate him, rate him!

LORELAI

Hey, where does ice cream stand on our organizational system?

RORY

Our organizational system broke down about an hour ago.

TANNA

Germany fell on China.

LORELAI

Well, that's Germany for ya. Okay, we're out of Chinese completely, so we know Chinese is popular. Freddy's Happy Tokyo Takeout is a bust. That's the consensus, so let's lose the Freddy's menus, although Ang the delivery guy was a solid nine. If you're gonna go to Baja Bill's, you must get the cheese quesadilla, and ask for Stan or Tommy. If you don't get Stan or Tommy, go to Paco's Tacos. The delivery guys are butt ugly but the food is better. Look at all these girls together in one room having fun. We should dance and sing a Motown song into our hairbrushes. [walks away]

PARIS

So, do you like your adoptive parents?

TANNA

Yeah.

PARIS

I think it's good to be adopted. If you get sick of them, you just dump this set and go find the originals.

GIRL

This is awesome.

RORY

Thanks.

GIRL

Who did all this?

RORY

The woman with the hairbrush.

LORELAI

Uh, you guys, come on. I know it's cheesy but just a couple bars... You Can't Hurry Love? Someone's gotta do it, it doesn't have to be on key.

PARIS

[on phone] It's lacking in storage space, but I've accepted it. It's a bit musty, but I've accepted it. Small. Small, but I've accepted it. Hey, listen, I should be going. Jamie, Terrence is not here, he's back in his room. Oh, right, me and Terrence, that's a possibility. I really gotta go, okay? I will. Good night. [hangs up]

RORY

Has he met Terrence?

PARIS

Nope, and he's not going to for as long as I can help it.

LORELAI

I fixed your shower head.

RORY

Really? But it was barely dribbling out.

LORELAI

It just needed a twist. You've got a waterfall now.

RORY

You're so handy.

LORELAI

And my rates are reasonable.

PARIS

My turn?

LORELAI

It's all yours.

RORY

No, Mom, you sleep on the new mattress.

LORELAI

But it's yours.

RORY

Well, they're both mine, so I get to choose. I'll sleep on the Yale mattress.

LORELAI

But you have to break in your new mattress. If it molds to my body, your shorter body will be wallowing in the hollowness of my body.

RORY

In one night?

LORELAI

It's the crucial night, that first night.

RORY

Okay, but my offer still stands, so if you get the heebie-jeebies in the middle of the night over there, come join me.

LORELAI

That'll get the girls talking. We'll be those dirty, filthy, almost-French Stars Hollow girls. [in French accent] Oh, we spit on you, you repressed puritanical ninnies.

RORY

[in French accent] We smirk in your general direction.

LORELAI

[in French accent] We cast sidelong glances that are vague but slightly threatening.

RORY

[in French accent] We eschew your quaint double entendre for the appealing lasciviousness of the entendre singular.

LORELAI

We... eh... I'm out.

RORY

Me, too. Get the light.

LORELAI

Did I tell you I found good coffee?

RORY

No, where?

LORELAI

The little kiosk by the library. I found it on the way to that parents thing.

RORY

Cool.

LORELAI

I'll circle it on the map for you.

RORY

Good.

LORELAI

Is that some guy howling?

RORY

I don't know, sounded like it.

LORELAI

Sounds like the guys' floor had some fun tonight, too.

RORY

I'd say so.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Well, if no one answers him, he may never stop.

LORELAI

Or it'll get a bunch of other guys howling, one or the other. [howls again]

RORY

Oh, boy.

LORELAI

It's fun.

RORY

It is fun.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

I don't know.

LORELAI

So, what's first on the agenda today?

RORY

Well, I have a little time, so I thought I might walk around and get the lay of the land a little bit, and then I have my big freshman assembly.

LORELAI

Where they teach you the secret Yale handshake?

RORY

Amongst other things.

LORELAI

Oh my God, check out Paris' craft corner.

RORY

She gets more done before nine than other people do all day.

LORELAI

She's a craft person now, so it's not safe to leave anything around her anymore.

RORY

Maybe that's where crafty comes from.

LORELAI

Good point.

LORELAI

All right, I should go. I called Luke last night and he made me promise to get the truck back by two hours ago, so if I leave now it's sooner than I planned.

RORY

Thank Luke a lot for me, okay?

LORELAI

Okay, say goodbye to Paris and Tanna.

RORY

Will do.

LORELAI

So, this is really it.

RORY

Yup.

LORELAI

You good?

RORY

I'm good. Just keep your pager with you.

LORELAI

Always.

LUKE

You're late.

LORELAI

I'm sorry.

LUKE

It's okay. I told you to get it back three hours before I actually needed it back and it worked out perfectly.

LORELAI

You rat.

LUKE

So it's in park?

LORELAI

It's in park.

LUKE

Engine's off?

LORELAI

Yes. Here are your keys. And thank you, Luke. I've been a huge burden on you the past couple days.

LUKE

It's okay. [he looks out the window] I don't believe it.

LUKE

It's like a horror movie.

LORELAI

Oh, Luke.

LUKE

The mattress that would not leave my truck.

LORELAI

I had no choice.

LUKE

I may cry.

LORELAI

Don't do that.

LUKE

I don't want this mattress.

LORELAI

Help me take it somewhere.

LUKE

Where? To the conveniently located old mattress drop-off station right around the corner?

LORELAI

Or if you could store it for awhile...

LUKE

I wasn't kidding about the crying.

LORELAI

I'll call a charity and have them come pick it up. I promise, and this time I mean it.

LUKE

And where's my spare tire?

LORELAI

There was a spare tire?

LUKE

I had my spare tire back here.

LORELAI

Oh, we must've accidentally unloaded it on one of our trips.

LUKE

Could you try to get it back?

LORELAI

Yes, as long as Paris hasn't made it into a planter yet. Or I'll buy you a new one, I promise.

LUKE

Okay, I'll see you later.

LORELAI

Okay, bye. Oh, and, um, Rory says thanks for everything, too. She said specifically to tell you.

LUKE

Okay, good. So she's okay?

LORELAI

She's fantastic.

LUKE

Good.

GIRL 1

You're up?

RORY

I was up. Come on in.

GIRL 1

We Lorelai'd a few places and found the good coffee.

RORY

Lorelai'd?

GIRL 2

Checked places out.

GIRL 1

Seems like the appropriate word. We found decent muffins, too, but I bet there's better out there.

RORY

You'll Lorelai 'em another time.

GIRL 1

[hands her a coffee] So this is thanks for last night. It was a perfect first night at Yale.

RORY

I thought so.

GIRL 2

We're gonna go to freshman assembly together. Do you wanna come?

RORY

Sure.

GIRL 1

Then we're all going to conveniently lose our student ID's and go take new pictures.

RORY

Oh my God, I'm so with you on that one.

GIRL 1

Cool.

RORY

[sips coffee] Mm. Whoa, this is really good. Kiosk by the library?

GIRL 1

Oh, you found it first.

RORY

Kind of.