T4E3: “The Hobbit, the Sofa and Digger Stiles”

LORELAI

Hey, you know what's great about you going off to college?

RORY

My newfound independence?

LORELAI

Oh, no. My new batch of youth-oriented catalogs. For example, where on Earth could I put this fabulous purple flowered rug? It's so young and cool but doesn't really go with my room, so...

RORY

My room.

LORELAI

Ooh! The matching beanbag chair arrives next week.

RORY

I love it when you miss me.

LORELAI

Oh, it's not that I miss you. It's just since you've been gone, I finally realized how the living room stayed so clean.

RORY

Mmhmm. What do you think?

LORELAI

It works.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

You're welcome. So, Sookie sent marshmallow cookies, Luke sent muffins, and I got you a copy of the Stars Hollow Gazette.

RORY

You don't have to bring that to me anymore. I subscribed.

LORELAI

You subscribed to the Stars Hollow Gazette? The editor of the Stars Hollow Gazette does not subscribe to the Stars Hollow Gazette.

RORY

I didn't want to get cut off from the town.

LORELAI

That's very sweet of you. Hey, you wanna grab some coffee before I head back?

RORY

Can't.

LORELAI

Why?

RORY

It's shopping week.

LORELAI

Isn't it always?

RORY

The first week of school is called shopping week. You get to try out as many classes as you want before you pick the ones you want to stick with for the semester. I picked over fifty classes I'm gonna try out, plus another ten I'm gonna squeeze in if I have the time. They all sound completely amazing. I stayed up all night reading the class subscriptions over and over.

LORELAI

You do know that if you weren't so pretty, you would've gotten the crap kicked out of you every day of your life.

RORY

Walk me out?

LORELAI

Because you need the protection. Hey, what time's your first class?

RORY

Oh, you know, soon.

LORELAI

Uh oh.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

You're not gonna rush to your first class and get there like an hour early, are you?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

You are.

RORY

I am not.

LORELAI

When you started elementary school, you told me the teacher wanted to meet all the parents at 6:30, and when we got there, the school wasn't open yet.

RORY

I did that once.

LORELAI

No, you got away with it once. You tried it every year.

RORY

I'm not gonna be early.

LORELAI

You know, if you took all the time you wasted being early for things... [she looks around the room]

RORY

What?

LORELAI

My mother was here.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

My mother - she was here. I can feel it.

RORY

Grandma hasn't been here.

LORELAI

Smell that?

RORY

Smell what?

LORELAI

The room - it smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5.

RORY

Mom, I'm telling you, you're wrong.

LORELAI

You put the coffee table like that?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Ha!

RORY

I have three other roommates. One of them probably did it.

LORELAI

Three roommates?

RORY

Yup.

LORELAI

When'd the other one come?

RORY

Last night. Her name's Janet.

LORELAI

What's she like?

RORY

She jogs.

LORELAI

Enough said.

RORY

Come on, let's go.

LORELAI

You seriously don't smell that?

RORY

We can get one cup of coffee, and then I have to get to class.

LORELAI

I knew you were early.

RORY

I'm not that early.

TEACHER

Freshmen.

LORELAI

Sign and date.

SOOKIE

Signing and dating.

LORELAI

Oh, do you have your last check stub?

SOOKIE

Yeah. Uh, here. Oh, remember that?

LORELAI

Income.

SOOKIE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Those were the days, huh? Okay, my hand is cramping, and I'm done signing now.

JACKSON

Sookie, can you hand me that screwdriver?

LORELAI

Oh, hey, um, tomorrow we have to meet with Ted Oldaman and get our liability insurance instated before we can break ground on the inn. And that reminds me... um, Tom sent over the initial proposal for the work.

SOOKIE

How much?

LORELAI

I'll tell you later.

SOOKIE

When?

LORELAI

After you blow.

SOOKIE

Come on.

LORELAI

Once you have the baby, then you can have the cow.

JACKSON

Okay, I think I got it.

SOOKIE

Is it really that much?

JACKSON

Here. I'm going to the nursery.

LORELAI

Uh, it's $20,000 more than we thought.

SOOKIE

$20,000? That sucks.

LORELAI

I got the chimney report back.

SOOKIE

Oh, shoot.

JACKSON

Hello? Hello?

LORELAI

What is that?

SOOKIE

Jackson. He's trying to hook up the house's central sound system to the baby monitor.

JACKSON

I am in the baby's room. I repeat, I am in the baby's room. Copy that.

LORELAI

This is probably the cutest creepy thing he's done yet.

JACKSON

Can anyone hear me? I repeat, can anyone hear me?

LORELAI

Yes, Jackson!

SOOKIE

You're supposed to use the walkie-talkie. [she speaks into the walkie talkie] Roger, roger, Jackson. We're receiving some feedback. I repeat, we're receiving some feed-

JACKSON

Hello? Sookie?

SOOKIE

Jackson, I'm receiving feed-

JACKSON

Do you hear me? Sookie?

SOOKIE

Yes, I can hear you. I -

JACKSON

Sookie, just tell me if you can hear me.

SOOKIE

Jackson, I can hear... I can hear you just fine!

LORELAI

Oh yeah, this system's gonna work great.

JACKSON

Why aren't you using the walkie-talkie?

SOOKIE

It's not working.

JACKSON

Here.

SOOKIE

Hey, you know, I had a thought.

LORELAI

Yes?

SOOKIE

Well, obviously, it's gonna take some time to get the inn up and running, right?

LORELAI

Right.

SOOKIE

And until we do, we have absolutely no money coming in whatsoever.

LORELAI

So it's a happy thought.

SOOKIE

What do you think about starting a catering company?

LORELAI

A catering company.

SOOKIE

Yeah. You could plan the events, decorations, themes, and I can cook.

LORELAI

Well...

SOOKIE

And it wouldn't be for very long - just until the baby came.

LORELAI

Yes, but...

JACKSON

Okay, here.

LORELAI

Sookie, I'm not really a party planner. I've never done that.

SOOKIE

What are you talking about? You put on all those beautiful weddings at the inn. And the conventions -- the men in the hats and the buttons.

LORELAI

Yes, but I had a staff at the inn and I had resources.

SOOKIE

Oh, come on. It'll be so fun to work together again. Just think about it.

LORELAI

Fine, I'll think about it.

SOOKIE

Good.

LORELAI

How long do I have to think about it?

SOOKIE

About a week.

LORELAI

Sookie.

SOOKIE

Helen Thompson's son, Aaron, is having a birthday party and she asked me to cater, and I suggested that you plan it. She thought it was a fabulous idea. So she offered us the job and I just took it. It's Thursday. She wanted to do it on Aaron's actual birthday and I thought that was so sweet. Helen's like that, you know?

LORELAI

Yes, I know.

SOOKIE

I can call her right now and tell her no if that's what you want. I mean it, you say the word and it's off. Maybe we could just try this one just to see if you like it. Maybe.

JACKSON

Okay, Sookie, can you hear me now? Hello?

SOOKIE

Jackson, I can hear you.

JACKSON

Use the monitor!

SOOKIE

Sorry!

STUDENT

Russian economics sucks.

RORY

I will make a note.

RORY

Tanna? Tanna?

TANNA

What?

RORY

Where did this come from?

TANNA

What?

RORY

This - the furniture, the couch, the chairs, the rug.

TANNA

I don't know. It must've been here when I got back.

RORY

[answers] Hello?

EMILY

I was going to wait until you called me, but my life isn't as long as yours. Did you sit on the couch?

RORY

The couch?

EMILY

I didn't want to get it too soft because I knew you would be studying there as well as watching television, and you would need a little bit of support.

RORY

You did this?

EMILY

Of course I did it. My granddaughter's a Yalie now. She needs to live like a Yalie.

RORY

But how? When?

EMILY

I snuck in yesterday when you were in classes just to measure to make sure everything would fit. Then I had to butter up your dippy freshman counselor so she'd let the movers in. Did you look in the entertainment center yet?

RORY

No. Oh.

EMILY

That's a plasma TV with a VCR and a DVD player. There's also a five-CD changer and a turntable, and the whole thing is wired in 5.1 surround sound. Now I have no idea what that means, but the man who installed it said to get Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. It's supposed to be amazing.

RORY

Grandma, this is all really sweet, but I have roommates, you know? And this might make them a little uncomfortable.

EMILY

Uncomfortable about what?

RORY

Well, um, this is a common room. It is common to all of us.

EMILY

Mmhmm.

RORY

Four of us who live here. There are four of us who live here together. And the common room... it's what we all have in common.

EMILY

Oh, just show them how to use the remote. I'm sure they'll be fine with everything.

RORY

Grandma, I worry that by you giving me all these things, it kind of makes it my room.

EMILY

Exactly.

RORY

What?

EMILY

Never underestimate the value of the upper hand, Rory. You are in the real world now. Status matters.

RORY

But -

EMILY

Your grandfather and I are very proud of you. Enjoy the furniture. We'll see you on Friday.

RORY

Okay, see you Friday. [hangs up] My grandmother broke into our room and furnished it.

TANNA

Did she put that fireplace in, too?

RORY

No, Tanna, the fireplace was always... hey, why don't we take a little tour of the place, okay?

TANNA

Great.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

[answers phone] They burnt my fries, forgot to give me an extra side of barbecue sauce, the jeep is making that crunchy sound again, and I have to spend my evening making elf ears for Aaron Thompson's Lord of the Rings party.

RORY

Grandma broke into my dorm and redid the entire common room in $25,000 worth of furniture and stereo equipment.

LORELAI

You win.

RORY

It's unbelievable. You should see this place. I feel like I'm at Uday's house.

LORELAI

Okay, tell me the whole story.

RORY

I came home and all the normal furniture was gone and all this stuff was in here.

LORELAI

What did your roommates say?

RORY

Tanna still doesn't know she's at Yale, Paris saw it and said nothing.

LORELAI

Oh, so that's coming.

RORY

Janet's out jogging so I don't know what she thinks, but I have to hope she's pleased 'cause that girl's in shape and can kick my butt.

LORELAI

Well, just make sure there's something she likes on the TV when she gets home. Something soothing to runners - maybe something that goes in a circle over and over.

RORY

This is bad. This is a total invasion of privacy.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

She didn't even ask. She got rid of everything that was in here. What if some of that furniture belonged to someone and they wanted it? I don't know what she was thinking.

LORELAI

She was thinking, "Rory's life - mine. Must cover with chenille."

RORY

I can't believe she did this.

LORELAI

Oh, yes, you can.

RORY

Excuse me?

LORELAI

Well, Rory, come on, it's my mother. It's Emily Gilmore. This is what she does. You've seen her pull stunts like this on me for years.

RORY

Yeah, but that was you.

LORELAI

I told you when you borrowed that money from her that this is what you were getting into.

RORY

I can't believe you're gloating.

LORELAI

I'm not gloating. I'm just saying, when you sleep with dogs, you wake up with an entertainment center.

RORY

Fine, so what do I do?

LORELAI

Well, you could come out and say, "Grandma, this furniture is very nice. I appreciate the gesture, but this is a dorm room, and I cannot guarantee that the other people will love it as much as I do, and I worry about expensive equipment getting stolen, and it's just maybe too much right now."

RORY

That sounds good.

LORELAI

Okay. And then my mother will say, "Rory, your grandfather and I are paying for you to go to Yale. We are enabling you to have this rarefied education, and you're being ungrateful and small-minded, and I resent it. I am hurt on a level you will not be able to understand until you yourself have a daughter or a granddaughter who will cut your heart out the way you've just cut mine out, and I hope that small veneer of independence that you've extracted from this incident is worth the complete and total alienation of the grandparents who have done nothing but love you and thought of you only."

RORY

Or I could keep the furniture.

LORELAI

Yes, you could.

RORY

This is great.

LORELAI

Hon, seriously, if you feel strongly, say something. I just want you to be prepared, that's all.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

And take heart in knowing that when it comes to controlling a person, my mother targeted my soul, my independence, and my entire future, and at least with you, she threw in an ottoman.

RICHARD

Emily? I'm home.

EMILY

I keep wanting to give this room a little spruce, but for the life of me, every one of these fabrics gives me a headache. What do you think of this one?

RICHARD

Hm? It's fine.

EMILY

Well, that's just the sort of enthusiasm I was looking for.

RICHARD

Emily, you have excellent taste. I'm sure whichever one you pick will look lovely.

EMILY

Do you need some ice?

RICHARD

Uh, no. A taller glass.

EMILY

You sound tired.

RICHARD

It's been a very long day.

EMILY

You know, some men retire.

RICHARD

Yes, and some men tattoo their mother's names on their biceps.

EMILY

I don't think the two are necessarily linked.

RICHARD

I'm fine, Emily. I just need a drink and a nice meal, and I'll be good as new.

EMILY

You got a call from Jason Stiles today.

RICHARD

Digger Stiles? What did he want?

EMILY

To talk to you.

RICHARD

I have nothing to say to him.

EMILY

He might have something interesting to tell you.

RICHARD

What - that the turncoat company I used to work for is cutting my pension? That the stock they gave me when they unceremoniously forced me out has been rescinded?

EMILY

Yes. That, or hello.

RICHARD

He's probably been sent to do his father's dirty work. It's not enough to fire me, they have to continue to harass me now that I'm gone.

EMILY

I thought you always liked Digger.

RICHARD

Yes, I liked Digger when he was fetching my coffee. I liked Digger when he was refilling my stapler. But I do not like Digger now that he is his father's heir apparent and sent to annoy me. And I certainly don't understand your need to defend him.

EMILY

I'm not defending him. If you don't want to return the boy's call, don't return his call.

RICHARD

Thank you.

EMILY

I invited him over tomorrow anyway. You can find out what he wants then.

RICHARD

You did what?

EMILY

Well, he was absolutely insistent that he talk to you.

RICHARD

Why would you do that?

EMILY

It was the polite thing to do. If you don't want him to come over, I have his number. You may call him and disinvite him. It's up to you.

RICHARD

Fine, he can come over, but he is not staying for a drink. He can come in and deliver his message and then leave.

EMILY

Whatever you say.

RICHARD

That's it - no drink, no handshake, nothing.

EMILY

I'll even hide the liquor bottles so he doesn't get any bright ideas.

RICHARD

It's extremely comforting to have such a supportive wife in times like these.

EMILY

I'm so glad.

PARIS

Did you hear?

RORY

Hear what?

PARIS

The first party of the year is going to be on our floor.

RORY

Oh yeah?

PARIS

Technically, it's to celebrate the first week of classes, but I'm anticipating the themes quickly degenerating to "Hey, walking works -- let's drink." The important thing is that this party, the first party, is going to be on our floor. Our floor.

RORY

Yes, our floor.

PARIS

Anyhow, the way it works is that anyone who wants to be apart of the party will just leave their door open so people can just wander in and out. So what do you think?

RORY

About what?

PARIS

Leaving our door open. It's the perfect opportunity to solidify our social standing at Yale. It'll virtually guarantee invitations to every other party thrown this year, and we'll get our faces in people's heads.

RORY

I don't know.

PARIS

What, what don't you know? I've explained the entire thing to you.

RORY

Well, I'm not sure I want to leave our door open to a bunch of strangers.

PARIS

Well, they won't be strangers once they come in and say howdy.

RORY

Yeah, but I'm not sure how I'm gonna feel that night. I might be tired.

PARIS

For God's sakes, Grandpa, you're eighteen. Sleep when you're dead.

RORY

Look, we can still go to the party. We can meet people, you can solidify your social status, get your face in people's heads, and I can bail when I feel like it.

PARIS

Going isn't the same. Going is passive. Opening your door, you are giving the party. You are responsible for the fun. People owe you. Don't you want people to owe you?

RORY

I'm good, actually.

PARIS

Oh, sure, you're good. You're fine. After all, you have all this fancy furniture and a big TV to lord over people. It's the rest of us who are screwed - the ones whose grandparents hadn't thought to provide suck-up furniture.

RORY

This is not suck-up furniture.

PARIS

You're being selfish. You don't care about anybody but yourself.

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

No. I hate college!

LORELAI

Okay, we've got costumes, we're got cutouts, we've got rings, ladies and gentlemen. We've got fairy necklaces, we've got tree heads. I'm picking up table decorations tomorrow. Oh, do you need me to order a Lord of the Rings cake?

SOOKIE

The cake is under control.

LORELAI

Okay, cake's off my list. So you've got the menu going, right?

SOOKIE

Yes.

LORELAI

Just festive kiddie food. You know, like, uh, bagel dogs, tater tots, mini pizzas, mac and cheese. Oh, you know what would be great? Those colored popcorn balls. Rory used to go mental over those things.

SOOKIE

Hey, how many adults are gonna be there?

LORELAI

Probably about ten.

SOOKIE

Okay.

LORELAI

Hi.

LANE

Hey. Okay, so I've scoured the entire store and here's what we got.

LORELAI

Hit me.

LANE

Horn of Gondor, Legolas' bow, and a cape.

LORELAI

Cape for who?

LANE

There's 4,000 people in that movie who wear capes - you can't pick one?

LORELAI

Wow, you're crabby.

LANE

Well, I wore a bracelet to school today. My parents were called. There was a special service in chapel, and I've been ordered to a soul-searching seminar next week. I'll be sitting between the nail-polish-wearing girl and the spicy condiment user.

LORELAI

I'm sorry.

LANE

That's okay.

LORELAI

Leave the horn, the bow, and the bill.

LANE

Right.

LORELAI

[answers] Hello?

PARIS

I need to talk to you about Rory.

LORELAI

Paris?

PARIS

She's not adjusting well. I'm actually concerned about her.

LORELAI

Well, that's very -

PARIS

The socialization process in college is vitally important. The connections we make here can last a lifetime. They can alter the course of our future. That's how important they are.

LORELAI

Okay.

PARIS

Now I'm sure it's tempting to emotionally stunt your daughter so she'll move back home and take care of you in your old age, but I thought you wanted better for her.

LORELAI

Hey, Paris, did something happen between you and Rory?

PARIS

She won't open the door for the party.

LORELAI

The -

PARIS

There's a party on our floor, and if you open your door, you get to be apart of it, but she won't open the door because she's busy being Heidi's grandfather, and if you were a real mother --

RORY

Paris, you called my mother?

PARIS

Well, you wouldn't listen to me.

RORY

Give me that phone! Hello?

LORELAI

Hi, honey. How's school?

RORY

I'm rooming with a Stephen King novel.

LORELAI

What's she talking about?

RORY

Oh, just some ridiculous party. I don't want to let a million strangers traipse through my room, so she's having a meltdown. I'm sorry she bothered you.

LORELAI

That's okay.

RORY

I'm gonna kill her.

LORELAI

Remember, you cut off one head, she'll just grow another. So tell me about the party.

RORY

It's nothing, it's just a "first week of class" kind of thing.

LORELAI

Are you going?

RORY

Maybe.

LORELAI

You know, it might not be such a bad idea to get to know the people in your building, see who's gonna be the ones to have the emergency Pop Tarts on hand.

RORY

I'll get to know them.

LORELAI

A party might be kind of a fun way to do it.

RORY

I'm sorry, are you telling me to let Paris open the door to the world?

LORELAI

I'm not telling you anything. I just want to make sure that at the end of four years, you've not only read every book in the Yale library, you've also had some fun.

RORY

I will have fun.

LORELAI

But I can see you the night of the party holing up in your room with a book for the entire evening.

RORY

You know when I do that, I'm not hiding. I enjoy it. And I'm making friends - you saw me make friends.

LORELAI

I know, but I'm not just talking about making friends. I'm talking about experiencing things. Parties, football games, protests, barn burnings.

RORY

Very big amongst the kids these days.

LORELAI

Those are all experiences. Maybe dumb experiences, but you never know when you're accidentally gonna stumble across something that could be... something.

RORY

Fine, I'll open the door.

PARIS

Yes!

RORY

This isn't for you!

PARIS

Like I care about the reason.

LORELAI

You might have fun.

RORY

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LORELAI

Call me later.

RORY

If I don't, I'm sure Paris will.

PARIS

Tell her thanks for me.

RORY

I will not!

TANNA

What do you think?

RORY

What is that?

TANNA

Well, you said I could borrow something to wear to the party.

RORY

Yeah, I did, but that's my Chilton uniform. My mom probably threw it in for a joke. It's my high-school uniform. I wore it every day to... you know, there's a tie in there that goes with it.

PARIS

Okay, I've scoped out the other open rooms and no one seems to have copped a clear identity yet, which leaves the field wide open. So what do you think we should be? We've got a lot of seating, so we could be the make-out room. Or we could crank the stereo up and push the furniture aside and be the dance room. Or we could throw down some towels and be the keg room.

RORY

I don't want an identity. You already made me open the door. I opened the door. We're the open-door room. That's it.

PARIS

How about some low lighting and some candles? We could be the meaningful-conversation room.

RORY

No themes.

PARIS

But -

RORY

No.

PARIS

No one knows me here, Rory. Do you understand what that means? It means I can start all over. I can wipe out the last eighteen years and introduce people to the new Paris Geller, the fun Paris Geller. I just want everything to be different this year, that's all.

RORY

One candle.

PARIS

Thank you, thank you.

LORELAI

No, seriously, give me the ring.

ROGER

No way.

LORELAI

Five bucks.

ROGER

No.

LORELAI

Just let me hold it.

ROGER

Forget it.

LORELAI

Come on, I promise I'll give it right back, my precious. I mean, Roger.

ROGER

You're crazy.

LORELAI

What? You're the one with the pointy ears, my friend.

HELEN

Here we go. I'd like you to meet Redmond and Riley James.

LORELAI

Redmond, Riley, nice to meet you. I'm Julie, your cruise director. I'm here to help you with your costumes.

REDMOND

I want to be Legolas.

RILEY

I want to be Gimli.

REDMOND

I want to be Gimli, too.

LORELAI

Okay, two Gimlis coming up.

BOY

Lorelai, my hood is loose!

REDMOND

Her name is Julie, stupid.

BOY

No, it's not, retard!

LORELAI

Hey, hey, hey.

RILEY

She just told us her name was Julie. She's our cruise director.

BOY

What's a cruise director?

REDMOND

I don't know, but you fart with your face.

LORELAI

Hey, love, guys. Love, okay? Lord of the Rings is all about the love.

BOY

Nuh uh, it's about the destruction of all mankind.

LORELAI

And who doesn't love that? You're fixed. Go play - lovingly.

HELEN

Lorelai, some of the kids are asking for swords. Did you bring swords?

LORELAI

Oh, no, I didn't.

HELEN

Oh, thank God. Oh, the Raymonds - I forgot we made up. Will you excuse me?

LORELAI

Absolutely.

GIRL

Riley said only boy hobbits can travel to Mount Doom. Is that true?

LORELAI

In the movie, only boy hobbits travel to Mount Doom, but that's only because the girls went to do something even more dangerous.

GIRL

What?

LORELAI

Have you ever heard of a Brazilian bikini wax?

SOOKIE

[calls from across the yard] Lorelai!

LORELAI

Oh, great, you're here.

GIRL

So girls go on adventures, too?

LORELAI

And they go in heels.

GIRL

Good.

SOOKIE

Are Rawley and Cheech here?

LORELAI

Yup, they've been chopping away for an hour.

SOOKIE

Perfect. Wow, there is a full house, isn't there? You have enough costumes?

LORELAI

We're good - the screen's up, the tables are set, and four kids are crying, so we're right on schedule.

SOOKIE

Well, I better get in the kitchen.

LORELAI

All right, because it's coming up on elevenses and the hobbits are hungry, right?

KIDS

Right!

SOOKIE

I'm going, I'm going.

MAN

Hey, who wants a sword?

KIDS

Me!

EMILY

Well, Jason Stiles, look at you.

JASON

Look at me - look at you. I've just got a trainer. You have cheated God.

EMILY

You've been here one minute and you're already starting with the flattery.

JASON

I apologize. It is lovely to see you, Emily.

EMILY

It's lovely to see you also.

JASON

So, did you sell your soul to the devil or...

EMILY

How's your mother?

JASON

She is exactly the same.

EMILY

And her horses?

JASON

Have a better life than I do.

EMILY

Well, Richard is in his study.

JASON

I would expect no less.

RICHARD

Come in.

EMILY

Richard, there's someone here to see you.

JASON

Hello, Richard. I appreciate you taking the time to do this.

EMILY

Well, I'll leave you two alone. Jason, be sure and say goodbye before you leave.

JASON

I'll do that.

JASON

So, how have you been?

RICHARD

Fine.

JASON

May I sit?

RICHARD

Your choice.

JASON

I hear your business is going well.

RICHARD

You hear correctly.

JASON

No reason for it not to be going well. You were always the best.

RICHARD

Is that what you came here to tell me, how competent I was at my job?

JASON

Nope, I came here to make you a proposition.

RICHARD

Go ahead and make it.

JASON

I want to be your partner.

RICHARD

Excuse me?

JASON

I want to join forces with you. You know, put a desk in your office, get a copy of the key, maybe snag some of that fancy stationery to write on.

RICHARD

You're not serious.

JASON

I'm prepared to buy my way in. I am also prepared to bring all of my current clients, and that should be appealing to you, even if sharing an office and parting with some stationery is not. Think about it. I could make your company an instant contender, with my youth and my clients and your reputation and respectability. It's a pretty interesting package, don't you think?

RICHARD

You want to become my partner.

JASON

Yes.

RICHARD

You want to pay me and bring a whole slew of high-paying clients with you.

JASON

You keep leaving out the stationery.

RICHARD

Thank you for coming, Jason.

JASON

Is something wrong?

RICHARD

Yes, something's wrong. I don't appreciate you wasting my time.

JASON

I didn't know that I was.

RICHARD

Am I such a joke to you that you feel you can come in here...

JASON

You're no joke.

RICHARD

...and take my time away from important things?

JASON

I assure you you are no joke. You were the best my father's company ever had.

RICHARD

You're damn right I was the best that company had, and now I am the best competition they will ever have.

JASON

Not yet. But with me, you could be.

RICHARD

Why? Why would you think I'd believe you were serious about this?

JASON

When was the last time I stuck a whoopee cushion on your chair, Richard?

RICHARD

Your father started that company. He made that company.

JASON

With you.

RICHARD

You've been working there since you were a kid. All the way through Harvard, you worked there. You've been groomed to take that company over, and now you're telling me you want to leave?

JASON

Yes.

RICHARD

Why?

JASON

Because I want to do something on my own. I want to work someplace that hasn't known me since I was six. I'd like to get through an entire day without being called Digger. And I really, really want to piss off my dad.

RICHARD

You what?

JASON

Can you imagine his face? No, really, take a moment. Picture it. I walk into his office, he's sitting in his enormous red-leather chair, and I say, "Dad, I am leaving. I am taking all of my high-paying clients with me, and I am getting into business with Richard Gilmore, the man you forced out to make room for me." Can you see that face?

RICHARD

I can see it.

JASON

It's a pretty good face, isn't it?

RICHARD

It is rather satisfying.

JASON

So, what do you say?

RICHARD

You hate your father that much?

JASON

I don't hate him. I just don't want to be him.

RICHARD

Jason, would you care to join me for a drink?

JASON

Gladly.

RICHARD

Emily, Jason's going to join us for a drink.

EMILY

He is? Well, how nice.

JASON

Richard, would you mind if I borrowed your phone?

RICHARD

Not at all. You can use the one in my study.

JASON

Thank you. I'll be right out.

EMILY

So, I see your meeting went well.

RICHARD

It was actually very interesting.

EMILY

Really?

RICHARD

He wants to be my business partner.

EMILY

What? But what about his father and his company?

RICHARD

He wants to leave. He wants to work with the best.

EMILY

Well, good for Digger.

RICHARD

Well, I always did like that boy.

EMILY

So what did you say?

RICHARD

Well, I told him I would have to think about it. I mean, it's not as if I need anyone working with me. Things are going very well. I'm building a very solid client base.

EMILY

It would be nice for you not to have to work so hard.

RICHARD

I don't mind hard work, Emily.

EMILY

I know you don't mind it. I just said that it would be nice if you didn't have to do it.

RICHARD

Well...

EMILY

Jason's a very nice boy.

RICHARD

Yes, he is. He is a very nice boy.

LORELAI

What are you doing?

SOOKIE

I'm getting the tables ready.

LORELAI

They were ready.

SOOKIE

No, ready for the food.

LORELAI

They were ready for the food.

SOOKIE

No, they weren't.

LORELAI

Yes, they were. I set them myself.

SOOKIE

But where were the tablecloths?

LORELAI

Right here. There.

SOOKIE

They're paper.

LORELAI

Yes, they are.

SOOKIE

And there's monsters on them.

LORELAI

No, they're Lord of the Rings characters, which is rather appropriate since this is a Lord of the Rings party.

SOOKIE

So this is the table?

LORELAI

Yup.

SOOKIE

And the paper cups and plates...

LORELAI

All there on purpose.

SOOKIE

I thought you just put them out for the kids to see.

LORELAI

And use.

SOOKIE

But the chafing dish looks so much better on the white tablecloth.

LORELAI

Um, you shouldn't have a chafing dish out here.

SOOKIE

Why not?

LORELAI

Because a chafing dish has a candle, and a candle has a flame, and a kid could stick his finger in there and get hurt.

SOOKIE

Isn't that how they learn?

LORELAI

Let's heat things up in the kitchen.

SOOKIE

Fine.

LORELAI

You made brie.

SOOKIE

Oh. With lavender honey and, uh, bourbon-sugared pecans. I thought it would go nicely with the crudités platter.

LORELAI

Please tell me you made food for the kids.

SOOKIE

I did make food for the kids.

LORELAI

These kids - not the Romanov kids.

SOOKIE

I just put this out in case anyone over the age of ten gets hungry. There are parents here, too, you know.

LORELAI

I know.

SOOKIE

Parents whose responsibility it would be to keep their kid from hitting another kid or putting their fingers under a chafing dish.

LORELAI

Sookie...

SOOKIE

Fine.

PARIS

Hey, having a good time? I'm Paris Geller, suite five. It's open. It's got a candle - perfect for some deep conversation. Uh, prepare two to five subjects to discuss so that the conversation doesn't lag and totally ruin the vibe. Party on. [walks over to Rory] So, I did a survey of all the rooms and, by far, ours is the best.

RORY

Great.

PARIS

Three is way too cluttered. Four has developed a weird smell.

RORY

Uh huh

PARIS

Two was a contender for awhile until I started telling everyone that the girl who lives there was waitlisted. I'm gonna get out there and mingle. This is a great party. [walks away]

MADELINE

Rory!

RORY

Oh, my God! Madeline, Louise, what are you doing here?

LOUISE

Party, baby.

RORY

I thought you were supposed to be at Mills.

MADELINE

Where?

RORY

Mills?

MADELINE

Where?

RORY

No more Mills?

MADELINE

Mills went bye-bye before I unpacked my shoes.

LOUISE

She's been hanging out at Tulane with me.

MADELINE

I love New Orleans. I am so southern.

RORY

What are you doing here?

LOUISE

We went online and found out where all the first week of class parties were, and we're making the rounds.

MADELINE

We hit Harvard next.

LOUISE

That's where my boyfriend goes.

RORY

Oh, you're dating a Harvard man?

MADELINE

He's gonna be a writer.

LOUISE

Well, he hopes. Right now, he's totally freaked that The Simpsons are going to be off the air by the time he graduates.

RORY

Well, it's good to see you guys. Paris is around here somewhere.

MADELINE

I hope she's in back of that guy over there because that's where I'm heading.

LOUISE

We'll be back.

RORY

Good luck.

MICKEY

Rory Gilmore?

KICK

Are you Rory Gilmore?

RORY

Yes, I'm Rory Gilmore.

KICK

Rory... what can we do with that?

MICKEY

Ro-ro?

KICK

Ry-ror?

MICKEY

Her last name might help.

KICK

Gilmore.

MICKEY

Ro-gil? Gil-roy?

RORY

Excuse, me, what are you doing?

KICK

Giving you a nick.

MICKEY

A nickname.

RORY

Do I know you?

KICK

We get so ahead of ourselves. We're like time travelers. I'm Kick.

MICKEY

I'm Mickey. Your grandmother Emily told us to look you up.

RORY

My grandmother?

KICK

She's tight with our mom, D.A.R. darling. When she heard we were going to Yale, she laid down the law.

MICKEY

To look you up and make sure you fell in with the right crowd.

KICK

Which would be us.

MICKEY

But we never settled on a nickname.

KICK

I think we're still trying the last-first combo.

RORY

Listen, I really appreciate you guys seeking me out, and it was really nice meeting you, but I actually have to go find my roommate.

KICK

Do you have a middle name?

MICKEY

Yes, that might help.

KICK

When's your birthday?

MICKEY

Oh, astrological nickname. Very in. very, very in.

KICK

Seating.

MICKEY

Ooh, great fabric.

KICK

This is the furniture Emily bought.

MICKEY

That's right. That woman does have taste.

KICK

I wish she'd talk to Mom.

MICKEY

Yeah, 'cause then we wouldn't have to.

KICK

Did Mom tell you about Christmas?

MICKEY

Yes. Hawaii.

KICK

Can't even imagine what's going through her mind.

MICKEY

Walt Disney could not imagine what was going through her mind.

GUY

You want the guy that pumps your gas voting?

GIRL

That is what America is about.

GUY

What ignorance!

GIRL

You're the ignorant one.

KICK

I had a terrible dream the other night that everything they say about sunscreen is true.

MICKEY

I have had that dream.

PARIS

I don't think I'm having fun.

RORY

Well, the party's not over yet.

PARIS

I know. What's with the Gabor sisters?

RORY

Friends from my grandmother.

PARIS

Great. Everybody has a group but me.

RORY

What are you talking about?

PARIS

Janet's a runner, so she'll automatically be in the jock group. Tanna's a freak, so she'll be in the John Nash group. You've got your grandmother's obligation friends, and I'm stuck over there listening to a bad talk-radio session. This sucks.

RORY

Well, we could just kick everyone out and just go to bed.

PARIS

No. I'll just have to try a little harder. I'm determined. Things are going to be different this year.

GUY

[to Paris] Hey. pierce my ear.

PARIS

Okay, everybody out, now! This room is closed. Take your gross beer and your inane conversations somewhere else. Move!

MICKEY

What's going on?

RORY

I don't know. Looks like my roommate's kicking everybody out. Oh shoot.

PARIS

Hey, Bim and Bim, up. Let's move, now.

KICK

Hey!

RORY

Sorry. She's my roommate. What can I do? Call me.

HELEN

Lorelai, some of the kids are starting to get hungry. I think we should have the food ready to go the minute the movie's over.

LORELAI

I agree. I'll get right on that. [she walks to the dining room] Oh, hey. Um, Helen wants us to put the food on.

SOOKIE

Oh, one step ahead of you.

LORELAI

Good, good. So, uh, what do we have here?

SOOKIE

A little lemon-garlic aioli for the blanched veggies.

LORELAI

Oh, great.

SOOKIE

You think I should put the assorted charcuteries on this table or this one?

LORELAI

It depends. Which one is the kids' table?

SOOKIE

There are no designated tables. I'm mixing and matching here.

LORELAI

Okay.

SOOKIE

Oh, perfect. Right here. Well, hello, gorgeous. What's your name?

LORELAI

Oh, boy. Wow.

GIRL

I'm hungry.

SOOKIE

Would you like some gravlax?

GIRL

Some what?

LORELAI

Sookie, where's the kids' food?

SOOKIE

Okay, you need to relax. I haven't put the kids' food out yet because you wouldn't let me use the chafing dishes and I didn't want the food to get cold.

SOOKIE

What did you just do?

LORELAI

Sookie.

SOOKIE

You just stuck that carrot in your mouth and then put it back on the platter. Why would you do that?

GIRL

It tastes like diapers.

SOOKIE

It does not taste like diapers.

LORELAI

Honey, why don't you go sit down. I'll call you when dinner's ready.

SOOKIE

You take it back!

LORELAI

Okay, come on.

SOOKIE

What are you doing?

LORELAI

Where is it?

SOOKIE

Where is what?

LORELAI

The food that doesn't taste like diapers.

SOOKIE

You mean the kids' food?

LORELAI

Yes, the kids' food. Did you make any?

SOOKIE

I'm not stupid.

LORELAI

I never said you were stupid.

SOOKIE

You know, I booked this gig. I'm the one who came to you and said, "Hey, you want to cater a kids' party with me?" [she pulls a dish out of the oven] Here. Here is the children's food for the children's birthday party, okay?

LORELAI

What is that?

SOOKIE

It's macaroni and cheese.

LORELAI

It's green. Why is it green?

SOOKIE

Because I made it with a jalapeno-chipotle cream sauce.

LORELAI

Kids aren't gonna eat this.

SOOKIE

When they try it -

LORELAI

They won't even try it.

SOOKIE

Why not?

LORELAI

Because it's green.

SOOKIE

You haven't even offered it to them yet. They may surprise you.

LORELAI

Where is the rest of it?

SOOKIE

The rest of what?

LORELAI

The rest of the kid food.

SOOKIE

This is it.

LORELAI

Sookie!

SOOKIE

They're small! How much can they eat?

LORELAI

We talked about this. I mentioned hot dogs and pizza puffs and chips. I told you to make popcorn balls. Where the hell are the popcorn balls?

SOOKIE

You were serious about that?

LORELAI

Oh, my God! Is that the cake?

SOOKIE

Of course it's the cake. You think I would go to a birthday party without a cake?

LORELAI

What kind of cake is it, Sookie?

SOOKIE

Chocolate. With a rum-raisin, tropical-fruit ganache.

LORELAI

Okay, um, Cheech? Uh, here. Go to, um, Doose's, okay, and get, like, five boxes of frozen mini pizzas and five boxes of those pigs in a blanket and all the chips you can find. And then go to Weston's, get a couple dozen cupcakes, and have Mamie give you a couple of big bags of jimmies - like chocolate, rainbow, whatever.

SOOKIE

What are you doing?

LORELAI

We'll have them decorate their own cupcakes. They'll love it. Okay, go.

SOOKIE

We're going to serve them cupcakes?

LORELAI

Maybe they have something to tide them over for a little while.

SOOKIE

Hey, hey, I'm talking here.

LORELAI

Yeah, I know. Just relax. It's gonna be fine.

SOOKIE

I know it's gonna be fine because I've been cooking all week long. I made four different cakes before choosing that particular one. So, yeah, I know it's gonna be fine.

LORELAI

But the kids won't eat that.

SOOKIE

You know what, I'm getting a little tired of you telling me what the kids won't eat. You are supposed to plan the party, and I'm supposed to do the cooking. That's the arrangement.

LORELAI

Yes, but you have to think about the client, Sookie.

SOOKIE

I am thinking about the client. That cake is incredible.

LORELAI

Not if you're an 8-year-old.

SOOKIE

How do you know?

LORELAI

Because I had an 8-year-old, and she hung out with other 8-year-olds, and my taste right now is not that different from an 8-year-old.

SOOKIE

Okay, you can't just walk in and take over. That's not the arrangement. You're not in charge here. We're partners.

LORELAI

I know that.

SOOKIE

I'm a great chef. A great chef does not have the client decorate his own cupcakes.

GIRL

Can I have a juice box?

SOOKIE

Hey, we're talking!

LORELAI

Oh, yeah... [she gets a juice box from the fridge]

SOOKIE

What's the matter with her? Is she sick? Why is her mouth open? Lorelai, look at her face.

LORELAI

[to the girl] Hi, honey. There's your juice. It's grape. Do you like grape? Me, too! It makes your tongue all purple. Now take your juice and go watch the rest of the movie, all right? You look very nice in your costume. [the girl leaves] Okay, Sookie, I didn't mean to just take over like that. I felt a crisis coming on so I snapped into problem-solving mode, and I didn't think.

SOOKIE

I can't do this.

LORELAI

Yes, you can. We just need to be clearer on the menu next time.

SOOKIE

No, not this. [points to her stomach] This.

LORELAI

Isn't it a little late?

SOOKIE

You saw me with that little girl. I mean, and her face - I made that face.

LORELAI

You were upset.

SOOKIE

This is not right. This is all wrong. I don't... I don't want to be pregnant anymore!

LORELAI

What are you gonna do, walk it off? Sookie, Sookie... hey, hey... where are you going?

SOOKIE

A child is not a duvet cover. You can't just take it back if it doesn't like you.

LORELAI

Luckily, duvet covers notoriously like whoever they go home with. They're like golden retrievers.

SOOKIE

You know what happens when kids don't like you? They tie you to a chair. They brain you with a bat. They set fire to the house and blame it on the neighbors.

LORELAI

Wow, now you can't have kids or live next door to them.

SOOKIE

I don't know how to talk to them, I don't know how to feed them, I cover up their party cloths, and I set their fingers on fire.

LORELAI

Just this once.

SOOKIE

I make them eat jalapeno-chipotle cream sauce. I'm Mommie Dearest.

LORELAI

Okay, back in the kitchen.

SOOKIE

No, I can't go back. I've got hummus in there.

LORELAI

Come on.

SOOKIE

God knows what I'll do with it!

LORELAI

Oh. Uh, hey, Rawley, could you just go make sure the kids have enough soda? [to Sookie] You just have to calm down.

SOOKIE

I can't have it.

LORELAI

Yes, you can.

SOOKIE

No, I can't. I'm gonna fail. Get it out, get it out, get it out!

LORELAI

Stop. Breathe. Drink. Everything's gonna be fine.

SOOKIE

Kids don't like me, and I'm not so sure I like them.

LORELAI

You'll like your kid.

SOOKIE

You know at family gatherings when everyone goes into the living room, gathers around, watches the kids? I read. Jackson's sister has a little girl, six years old. She likes to get up in front of the family after dinner and sing Mariah Carey songs. I heckle. I have no desire to play with them. Easter egg hunts bore me. I have never borrowed the neighbor's kid to look after for the afternoon.

LORELAI

Good. That's called kidnapping.

SOOKIE

"Come on, Jackson, let's have a baby. I wanna be a mommy." I'm pathetic.

LORELAI

You're not pathetic.

SOOKIE

I'm gonna be a bad mother. I should not be a parent.

LORELAI

Sookie, look at me. There are many people in this world who should not have been parents. Mr. and Mrs. Hitler, for example. The bin Ladens could have just watched TV that night. Richard and Emily might have taken a pass at procreating. But you... no way. You're gonna be a great parent.

SOOKIE

Yeah?

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

How do you know?

LORELAI

Because I know you, and I watched you with Rory when she was growing up.

SOOKIE

Well, who could not like Rory?

LORELAI

You're gonna be amazing. That little boy of yours is very lucky.

SOOKIE

Okay. I guess it's gonna be okay.

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

Okay. Okay. I'm really, really okay.

LORELAI

Yeah, okay.

SOOKIE

Someone threw up on the table.

LORELAI

Oh, God.

SOOKIE

I'm okay. I'm just gonna go over there and be... okay.

LORELAI

Good idea.

MARTY

Hi.

RORY

Hi.

MARTY

I'm on the floor.

RORY

You were sleeping.

MARTY

I have no clothes on.

RORY

No, you don't.

MARTY

I'm on the floor, I have no clothes on, and you're a girl, so I must be...

RORY

On the wrong floor.

MARTY

Oh, boy.

RORY

Where's your room?

MARTY

I think up. Are we on the first floor?

RORY

Yes.

MARTY

Then up. Any idea how long I've been here?

RORY

No.

MARTY

So you have no idea how many people have walked by while I've...

RORY

Sorry.

MARTY

Great. Now for the rest of my time at Yale, I'm gonna be "the naked guy."

RORY

I'm sorry.

MARTY

And you know what's really great? Tomorrow, when the "naked guy" nickname starts spreading around campus like wildfire, I'm gonna be in my third hour of throwing up.

RORY

Well, it's been really quiet out here for a while now, so there's a chance that no one but me has actually seen you yet.

MARTY

Oh yeah?

RORY

I promise I won't say anything. And if there's a chance that you could refrain from, you know, being naked again in the wrong hallway at the next party, then there's a chance you might get a completely different nickname, like "the never-naked guy."

MARTY

You're a very kind person. [he starts to stand up]

RORY

Wait. Hold on. Um, you can borrow this. [she hands him her robe]

MARTY

Thanks.

RORY

Mmhmm.

MARTY

Hey, weren't you in my Japanese Fiction class today?

RORY

Yeah, that's right.

MARTY

I thought so. Hi, I'm, uh... Marty.

RORY

Um... Rory.

MARTY

I won't remember that tomorrow.

RORY

That's perfectly understandable.

MARTY

So I should probably try and find my room. And my pants, 'cause that's where I kept my keys.

RORY

So pants first.

MARTY

Right, pants first.

RORY

Night.

MARTY

Yup. I'm officially stupider than my brother. I never thought that would happen.

LORELAI

Hi.

RORY

I decided I'm going to do it.

LORELAI

To do what?

RORY

I'm going to go in there and I'm going to tell Grandma that she's going to butt out of my life.

LORELAI

Mmhmm. Can I... [she sniffs Rory's travel mug]

RORY

What are you doing?

LORELAI

Just checking. So you have soberly decided to confront my mother?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Are you sure you want to do this?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

All right, then I support you one hundred percent.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

Just make sure you wait for the right moment.

RORY

Oh, the right moment is now. The right moment arrived in a big pink hat full of feathers screaming, "Notice me because I am here!"

LORELAI

Oh, well, if it was wearing a hat...

EMILY

There they are.

LORELAI

Hi, Mom.

EMILY

Come in. I tell you, this day has been an absolute circus. I misplaced every single thing I needed - my grocery list, my ticket for the shoe repair. It was a nightmare. What will you girls have?

LORELAI

Wait for the moment, wait for the moment.

RORY

Grandma, I have to talk to you about something.

EMILY

Yes, Rory, what is it?

RICHARD

I have an announcement. I am going into business with Jason Stiles.

LORELAI

Who?

RICHARD

You've met him - the Stiles boy.

LORELAI

Oh, Digger.

RICHARD

Nobody's called him Digger in years, Lorelai. And yes, I just got off the phone. We're going to get together later and hash out the details.

EMILY

Richard, that is wonderful.

LORELAI

I didn't know you were looking for a partner.

EMILY

He wasn't. Jason came to him.

RICHARD

That's right. He said he wanted to strike out on his own, he wanted to work with the best, and he wanted to screw over his father.

LORELAI

What?

RICHARD

Oh, excuse me, Rory.

EMILY

You never told me about this.

RICHARD

Well, I was a bit surprised at the beginning, but I have to admit that when he told me that part of his motive was revenge, I was intrigued. No, I was tickled. I thought it was wonderful. What a wonderful world we live in that the son of my enemy hates his father and that I benefit from it all. It's downright Elizabethan.

EMILY

I don't think this is very funny, Richard.

RICHARD

No, no, I suppose not. However, I can't stop smiling.

EMILY

I don't think you should go into business with this boy.

RICHARD

Oh, now, Emily.

EMILY

He's obviously very troubled. You certainly don't need to hand over your business to a troubled youth.

RICHARD

He's 37 years old.

EMILY

Yes, he's 37 years old, and all he can think about is how to get back at his father. I don't understand that kind of thinking.

RICHARD

Well, you know Floyd - he's horrible.

EMILY

He is the boy's father. He raised him. He clothed him. He fed him. He does not deserve to be paid back for all of his love and devotion like this.

RICHARD

Why are you getting so upset?

EMILY

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

RICHARD

Oh, Emily, be reasonable.

EMILY

I never liked that Digger in the first place.

RICHARD

Oh, Emily, come back here.

RORY

It wasn't the right moment.

RORY

I was about to when Grandpa came in. He interrupted, and now Grandma's mad, so I'm sorry if it seems to you like I chickened out, but I didn't, and now it's just gonna have to wait.

LORELAI

Mmhmm. [clucks again]