T4E10: “The Nanny and the Professor”

RORY

It's culs-de-sac.

LORELAI

No way!

RORY

It is.

LORELAI

The plural of cul-de-sac is culs-de-sac?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

That doesn't even sound like English.

RORY

That's because it's French.

LORELAI

You know what I mean.

RORY

I hate to be the bearer of bad news.

LORELAI

Words should sound right to be right.

RORY

That's not how it works.

LORELAI

So, what, the plural of yo-yo is yos-yo?

RORY

Yeah, 'cause that sounds so natural.

LORELAI

As natural as culs-de-sac.

LORELAI

Hey, when did Lane start working here?

RORY

Oh, a couple of days ago. She filled out an application, and Luke brought her in for an interview and everything.

LORELAI

An interview? So official.

RORY

Yeah. They sat in complete silence for a full five minutes, then Luke said, "How ya doing?" and she said "Good," and then he gave her the job.

LORELAI

So what do we get out of this?

RORY

What do you mean?

LORELAI

We got someone on the inside now, a friend of ours.

RORY

And out of it we could get?

LORELAI

The secret things he keeps back there.

RORY

His showgirl costume.

LORELAI

Extra jelly packets, butter, discarded day-old bread.

RORY

But we get that when we go dumpster driving.

LORELAI

This'll be easier on our shoes.

LORELAI

Hey, Luke.

LUKE

Look at this.

LORELAI

Who, Lane? She's super waitress, able to leap tall pancakes in a single bound. Or is that pans-cake?

RORY

Very funny.

LUKE

It's not gonna work out.

LORELAI

Oh. What, she's so good.

LUKE

She's too good.

LORELAI

Oh, calm down.

LUKE

I'm not even sure why she took the job. I mean, I totally blew the interview.

LORELAI

You were nervous.

LANE

Hey, guys. You got this, Luke?

LUKE

Yeah, I got it.

LANE

[walking away] Caesar, I need that English muffin.

LUKE

When there was a lull, she cleaned the menus without being asked.

LORELAI

Do you mean mens-u?

RORY

Stop it.

LUKE

This isn't challenging enough. She's gonna get bored.

LORELAI

Buy her a chemistry set.

RORY

Or a foosball table.

LUKE

I should find something to do. [walks away]

RORY

Having help is stressing him.

LORELAI

So, now, why do you have to get back to campus so early? Classes don't start for a couple of days.

RORY

Yeah, I have a lot of stuff to do. And it'll be nice and quiet with no roommates around.

LORELAI

Where are the rooms-mate?

RORY

Um, Janet's mountain climbing, Tanna's home, and Paris went skiing with her boyfriend.

LORELAI

So you're just ignoring the plural thing now?

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

You haven't mentioned Paris' boyfriend in awhile. Everything good there?

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

What? Something's not right?

RORY

Um, well, just the weirdness of them being really busy with school, and he's miles away at Princeton, but they're good. Um, she called me from the slopes and they sounded like they were having a blast.

LANE

Eggs scrambled, Caesar. Hey, Luke, coffee in the corner.

LUKE

Right, sorry.

LORELAI

Boy, maybe this Lane/Luke team isn't gonna work out.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Where do you think Luke will go?

RORY

I don't know. Maybe a big chain will take him on.

LORELAI

I wonder if he has a forklift license.

RORY

He could redeem recyclables.

LORELAI

You mean recycs-able?

MICHEL

You promise?

LORELAI

Yes. This is in and out, pick a molding for the public areas, meeting adjourned.

MICHEL

No food sampling.

LORELAI

It's not on the agenda.

MICHEL

I have not seen Sookie once this month where she has not greeted me by shoving something in my mouth.

LORELAI

Are you sure it was food every time?

MICHEL

You can joke, but as long as super low rise jeans are in fashion for men, I must stay trim or I'll die.

SOOKIE

[calls from inside the house] Come on in!

LORELAI

How low we talking here?

MICHEL

I've had to wax.

LORELAI

Subject over.

SOOKIE

Hi. Oh! [looks through the bag of crown molding Lorelai is carrying] Aha. Hm. Ooh, this is nice.

LORELAI

That's my favorite, too. A little pricey.

SOOKIE

It's amazing how we always pick the pricey. So, do you guys want something to -

MICHEL

No!

SOOKIE

... drink? I made hot water for tea.

MICHEL

Tea?

SOOKIE

You like Earl Gray, right?

MICHEL

If you have some.

SOOKIE

It's all ready. Earl Gray.

MICHEL

Thank you.

SOOKIE

And try this pizzelle.

MICHEL

I knew it.

LORELAI

Delight!

MICHEL

This is a tasting.

SOOKIE

I just need your opinion.

MICHEL

Well, my opinion is you're trying to fatten me out of a love life.

SOOKIE

I thought you were celibate.

MICHEL

Not by choice.

SOOKIE

You woke up Davey, big mouth.

LORELAI

Do you wanna go check on him?

SOOKIE

He'll be out here in a second.

LORELAI

He's two months and already walking? I'm missing the big moments.

LORELAI

Tobin!

MICHEL

Tobin?

TOBIN

Hi, and I'm high around this little thing. He's such an angel.

SOOKIE

Hello, little booby. Did that mean old Michel wake you up?

MICHEL

I'm being Punk'd. I know I'm being Punk'd.

SOOKIE

Isn't this great? We have the whole team back together.

MICHEL

I'm ecstatic. Did you know about this?

LORELAI

I knew that Tobin was back in town, but I didn't hear you were the -

TOBIN

Davey's nanny? Just until something permanent comes along.

SOOKIE

Davey fell for this guy lock, stock and barrel. It was love at first sight.

TOBIN

Well, my whole life is kids. I have eleven nieces and nephews.

LORELAI

Wow.

MICHEL

How joyous for you.

LORELAI

Now, Tobin, we'd heard you moved.

TOBIN

Yes, right after the inn burned down. I moved to Utah because I heard there was lots of job opportunities for industrious Mormons.

LORELAI

I didn't know you were a Mormon.

TOBIN

I wasn't, so I became one. The paperwork took weeks. And I didn't know about the alcohol thing.

LORELAI

They famously abstain.

TOBIN

No coffee either. The choir is fabulous, but then there's the funny underwear. It didn't last.

SOOKIE

Then he called me from the road and suggested this.

MICHEL

How wonderful.

TOBIN

Oh, I see you're trying the pizzelles. Are they not pieces of heaven shaped like cookies?

LORELAI

Wonderful.

TOBIN

You know, they'd be perfect for breakfast, too, with cappuccino.

SOOKIE

I've never thought of them for breakfast. Great idea.

MICHEL

It occurred to me.

TOBIN

You know, you could serve them on that green platter we bought yesterday. The colors would juxtapose nicely.

MICHEL

You went shopping together?

TOBIN

Yes. I turned Sookie onto a place that sells hard-to-find kitchenware. Oh, and I found some websites I'd like to recommend to you, Lorelai. I spent a lot of time online when I was a Mormon. There wasn't much else to do.

MICHEL

Excuse me, is this not an inn meeting for inn employees only?

TOBIN

It's okay, little baby. I think your voice hits a pitch that hurts his ears.

MICHEL

My voice has the same pitch as anyone else's.

SOOKIE

Michel hates babies.

MICHEL

I do not hate babies.

LORELAI

Well, babies hate you.

MICHEL

They do not hate me. Look, all I'm saying is, we have limited time together, the three of us, and we cannot afford to waste it, the three of us, and he's cutting in.

TOBIN

Michel, I'm not cutting in. But the fact is, wherever Sookie goes, the baby goes, and wherever the baby goes, I go. It's my job. We even made a joke earlier - the baby has a meeting today. [points to a piece of crown molding] I love this.

LORELAI

We do, too.

SOOKIE

Would you like a cup of tea, Tobin?

TOBIN

Just a little lapsing oolong, please.

LORELAI

You knew that?

RICHARD

Yes, I did.

LORELAI

Come on!

RICHARD

Everyone does.

LORELAI

Did you?

EMILY

Of course I did.

LORELAI

So everyone in the entire world knew the plural of cul-de-sac was culs-de-sac?

RICHARD

Yes.

LORELAI

Okay. So Mariah Carey is out with some friends and she's had a couple cocktails, she glances down from the roof and says, "Oh, look at all those culs-de-sac."

RORY

Why are they on the roof?

LORELAI

It's a rooftop bar.

RICHARD

How have you been saying it?

LORELAI

Cul-de-sacs.

RICHARD

And no one ever corrected you?

LORELAI

No, because that's the way it should be. Even if it isn't technically correct, it should be pronounced that way.

RORY

Mom, Mom, just let it go.

LORELAI

I will never let this go.

RORY

Is there dessert?

EMILY

Yes, and we have a special surprise for you for dessert. We brought it back from Switzerland.

LORELAI

We're getting a mountain goat?

RICHARD

This is better than a goat.

EMILY

Let's go into the living room.

RORY

Dessert from Switzerland.

LORELAI

The land of chocolate.

RORY

Yum!

RICHARD

You two are going to love this.

LORELAI

Is it as good as Toblerone?

RICHARD

Oh, it's better than Toblerone.

LORELAI

Whoa, what is that?

EMILY

It's marzipan.

RORY

Marzipan?

RICHARD

The finest marzipan in all of Europe. Made by cloistered nuns.

EMILY

We toured their cloister, it was right out of "The Sound of Music."

LORELAI

What happened to the chocolate?

EMILY

What chocolate?

LORELAI

You compared it to Toblerone - that's chocolate.

RICHARD

You brought up Toblerone. I just said it was better than that because I think it is.

EMILY

Marzipan is candy. You like candy.

LORELAI

Marzipan is not candy. It is a unique substance unto itself, like Velveeta or plutonium.

EMILY

You're not even going to try it?

LORELAI

I'll pass.

RORY

I'll try some, Grandma.

RICHARD

Take the one with the little pig on it.

RORY

Oh, thank you.

RICHARD

We got the pigs for you and the bunny for your mother.

LORELAI

You got me bunnies?

EMILY

They're for whomever now.

LORELAI

Well, no, I'll try a bunny.

EMILY

Don't force yourself.

LORELAI

I'm not. I want a bunny. Give me a bunny.

EMILY

Delicious.

RICHARD

Those nuns kick you-know-what.

EMILY

Now who can that be?

RICHARD

Ah, it's probably Jason. He said he might drop something by on his way back from the airport.

EMILY

In the middle of dinner?

RICHARD

He won't be here long. He's probably exhausted. The flight from Australia is draining.

RICHARD

Jason, welcome back.

JASON

Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt your evening.

RICHARD

Oh, oh, not at all. You look fit. Look how fit he looks, Emily.

EMILY

He looks very fit. Hello, Jason.

JASON

Emily.

RICHARD

Uh, you've met Lorelai and Rory.

JASON

Yes, it's nice to see you again.

LORELAI

Same here.

RORY

Hi.

JASON

Richard, here are the papers, and they do not need to be notarized.

RICHARD

Oh, that's a huge help. Terrific.

LORELAI

So, um, Mom, maybe our guest would, uh...

EMILY

Oh, Jason, would you like some marzipan?

JASON

Would I? I love marzipan.

EMILY

Take as much as you like, and put some extra into a napkin. Just not the one Lorelai spat her piece into.

JASON

[tries some marzipan] Mmm, delicious.

RICHARD

Mmhmm, mmhmm.

JASON

Well, I'll be going. It was good to see you all again.

RICHARD

Oh, here.

JASON

No, no, no, no, Richard, you don't have to see me out.

RICHARD

All right. See you tomorrow.

RICHARD

He must have been hiking the whole time. He looks wonderful.

LORELAI

Excuse me, I just have to freshen up my... be right back. [leaves the room]

EMILY

[to Rory] Have you swallowed your marzipan yet?

RORY

Mmhmm. [pause] Unh-uh. [Richard hands her a napkin and she spits out her marzipan]

JASON

Hello?

LORELAI

Um, so, you're back.

JASON

Uh, I am no hologram.

LORELAI

Uh, Australia was good?

JASON

Very good. Hot.

LORELAI

You tie your wallaby down, sport?

JASON

No, I just drank a lot of beer and thought about you a lot.

LORELAI

That's very sweet.

JASON

So when are we getting together again?

LORELAI

When do you want?

JASON

How about now?

LORELAI

Hm, too spontaneous.

JASON

How about Monday night?

LORELAI

For what?

JASON

Dinner, et cetera.

LORELAI

Sounds good, et cetera.

JASON

I'll call you.

LORELAI

Okay. Hey, what are you gonna do with your marzipan?

JASON

Oh, I don't know. I thought I'd dump 'em on the road, but is that environmentally sound?

LORELAI

I don't think marzipan biodegrades.

JASON

I'll just serve it to the clients I don't like.

LORELAI

Well, bye.

JASON

I'll see you Monday.

REPAIRMAN

Almost done with your radiator, young lady.

RORY

Take your time.

REPAIRMAN

You were smart. You come back early, you beat the rush.

RORY

I just wanted to get a jump on things.

REPAIRMAN

I like the campus when it's kind of empty like this, you know, all quiet. Snow's pretty, too.

RORY

Yeah, very pretty.

REPAIRMAN

There's something very magical about this campus. I've been here 23 years come August and I've never been bored. You know, we've had presidents graduate from this school. You okay?

RORY

What?

REPAIRMAN

You feeling okay?

RORY

Yes. I, um... yes. Thanks.

PARIS

Rory.

RORY

Paris, hi. You're back early.

PARIS

You're back early.

RORY

Just thought I'd get a jump on things. How was your trip?

PARIS

Great. I thought I'd come back early.

RORY

Same here. Where's your stuff?

PARIS

Well, I got back early.

RORY

I know.

PARIS

Early this morning, so I unpacked and then I went to visit my mom.

RORY

Is she good?

PARIS

She wasn't there. Jamie says hello.

RORY

Oh, good. Hello back at him. So, you guys have fun?

PARIS

I told you that on the phone.

RORY

I know. You have fun after that?

PARIS

Sure. The resort was beautiful. A little too star-studded. Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart were there. They tongue kissed in public.

RORY

They're in love.

PARIS

Then she'd tickle his tummy and he'd giggle. It was foul.

RORY

To each his own.

PARIS

Well, I'll get out of your way.

RORY

You're not in my way. I'll get out of your way.

PARIS

You're not in my way.

RORY

Well, I'll just stay here, then.

PARIS

Good.

LORELAI

End scene. Shoot.

RORY

What are you doing?

LORELAI

[startled] Oh, God! Rory! Announce yourself!

RORY

Were you brushing dirt under the sink?

LORELAI

No, I am brushing crumbs under the sink.

RORY

You're a pig.

LORELAI

You're just learning that? Why are you here anyway?

RORY

Oh, crabby and dirty.

LORELAI

Well, I thought you were going to hang at school for some alone time.

RORY

Alone time suddenly included Paris.

LORELAI

Oh. I thought Paris was skiing with Jamie.

RORY

Paris is definitely not skiing, and Paris is definitely not with Jamie.

LORELAI

Hm, meaning?

RORY

[looking under the sink] There are little marshmallow Easter bunnies under here.

LORELAI

No, no, what did you mean when you said Paris was not with Jamie?

RORY

Paris is seeing somebody else.

LORELAI

Really? A psychiatrist?

RORY

A professor.

LORELAI

At Yale?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Oh, wow. Lorelai Gilmore, you've been holding out on me.

RORY

It's so weird. One minute, she's totally in love with Jamie and then the next, she's making out with a professor in a dark corner.

LORELAI

You saw them making out?

RORY

Apparently, the big game was big for everyone.

LORELAI

Well, wow. I can't believe Paris is doing an older man.

RORY

Who said doing? I didn't say doing. I just said kissing, that's it.

LORELAI

Rory, come on. When you're dating an older man, you're probably doing older-man things.

RORY

Oh, geez.

LORELAI

So what age are we talking here, like 35, 40? 45? 46? 47? 47½? 48?

RORY

Sixty!

LORELAI

What?! Shut up!

RORY

He went to school with Grandpa.

LORELAI

Sixty?

RORY

That's how they met. We were having lunch, he came by, Grandpa introduced them. She wanted to get an interview, and apparently, she got one.

LORELAI

Sixty? Like sixty-sixty?

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, it's just... now I know who Woody Allen's next leading lady's gonna be.

RORY

And it's so annoying. I mean, she's hiding it from me, so I'm not supposed to know. I'm supposed to think that she's still with Jamie, which she's not.

LORELAI

Are you sure?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Intrigue.

RORY

I don't like intrigue, I don't want intrigue. I like Jamie. He's a nice guy. He's a patient guy. I mean, Paris should not be treating him like this.

LORELAI

Oh, honey, if she likes another guy, there's nothing you can do about it. Let us all remember Dean.

RORY

This is not the same as Dean. I did not cheat on Dean with an old guy.

LORELAI

Is the old guy married?

RORY

He was. He has kids, grown kids. He's a writer.

LORELAI

Well, what would the school say if they knew about this?

RORY

Yes, what about that? This guy's risking everything - his job, his reputation.

LORELAI

Yes, well... he'll always have Paris.

RORY

How long have you been waiting with that one?

LORELAI

I just had a feeling the opportunity would present itself eventually.

RORY

Maybe it's a phase. It'll pass.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, or he will.

LORELAI

Hello? What? Michel? Calm down. I can't understand you when you're not screaming hysterically. Well, okay, well, what are you... okay! Okay, I'll be right there. Goodbye. [hangs up] I gotta go.

RORY

Why? What's up?

LORELAI

Michel's spazzing.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

I don't know. Will you be here when I get back?

RORY

If you don't mind. Paris was getting out her potter's wheel as I was leaving.

LORELAI

Okay, I'll go pick up Chinese.

RORY

Or we can just eat what's under the sink.

LORELAI

Ah, the wit.

RORY

Get egg rolls.

LORELAI

All right, just watch out - old guys don't like 'em bossy.

RORY

Yeah, yeah.

MICHEL

You took so long! Why? You need to charter an airplane?

LORELAI

I came as quickly as I - ow!

MICHEL

Get in here.

LORELAI

What is going on?

MICHEL

Move quicker, please.

LORELAI

Is Sookie here?

MICHEL

She and the farmer went to see a movie.

LORELAI

Do they know you're here?

MICHEL

Yes, they do.

LORELAI

And they're okay with that?

MICHEL

This way, please.

LORELAI

Stop. What's going on? Why are we in the bedroom?

MICHEL

I offered to babysit.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, you did what?

MICHEL

I heard Sookie talking to the potato man about wanting to go out, and there was no one to watch the baby, so I offered to watch it for her.

LORELAI

It?

MICHEL

Him. Watch him for her.

LORELAI

And she let you?

MICHEL

Yes, she let me. So I came over, and the minute that she left, it started to cry.

LORELAI

It?

MICHEL

Him, he started to cry. He wouldn't stop. I did everything. I did the jiggle and the bouncy and the airplane, and then I even picked it up.

LORELAI

It?

MICHEL

Him, dammit, him! I picked him up, but it didn't matter. He wouldn't stop crying. So finally I invented a game.

LORELAI

What kind of game?

MICHEL

I called it baby crepe.

LORELAI

I don't think I know that one.

MICHEL

Well, it's quite ingenious. You get down here on the floor and then you roll him up in a blanket and then you pull it back and forth and back and forth. He loved it. He did not cry, he smiled, he giggled. He was having the time of his life. And then...

LORELAI

Oh no.

MICHEL

I pulled back the blanket a little too hard.

LORELAI

What?

MICHEL

And he rolled under the bed.

LORELAI

What?

MICHEL

And he got stuck.

LORELAI

Oh! Oh my God!

MICHEL

I tried to get him out, but I couldn't get him to grab the string, and then he fell asleep, and I worried if I woke him up, the screaming would start again.

LORELAI

I can't believe you rolled little Davey under the bed.

MICHEL

Davey?

LORELAI

Yes, Davey - Sookie's baby.

MICHEL

Is that his name? I've been calling him Truman.

LORELAI

Why?

MICHEL

I thought that's what his name was.

LORELAI

Where'd you get Truman from?

MICHEL

I don't know, I heard it wrong, okay? Do you think he's gonna hold this against me?

LORELAI

What, the man that rolled him under the bed? No, I think you're good. Oh, man, he really is sleeping. He looks so peaceful.

MICHEL

See? I made him happy.

LORELAI

We need to lift this bed and get him up.

LORELAI

What are you doing?

MICHEL

Taking off my shirt.

LORELAI

Uh, what part of "lift the bed and get him out" translates to you taking off your shirt?

MICHEL

This is an expensive shirt.

LORELAI

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not lifting the bed with a naked you.

MICHEL

I wasn't going to take off my pants.

LORELAI

Leave the shirt on.

MICHEL

It will wrinkle.

LORELAI

Not as much as it will if Sookie comes home and finds Truman under the bed. Now, uh, lift up here, and I'll get him out.

MICHEL

I can't hold this by myself. Are you crazy?

LORELAI

Okay, you hold that. Are you ready?

MICHEL

No!

LORELAI

Hey. Hey, Davey. I gotcha. You're snoozy, huh? Yeah.

MICHEL

How is he?

LORELAI

He's just fine. He's just fine. There you go. Just kick back, wait 'til Mommy gets home. [Lorelai puts Davey in his bassinet] Now please tell me what is going on here.

MICHEL

Nothing.

LORELAI

Why are you babysitting?

MICHEL

I -

LORELAI

You hate babies.

MICHEL

Not really.

LORELAI

You do not babysit ever. And yet here you are wearing your super-low-cut jeans making up baby games, and I want to know why.

MICHEL

I hate Tobin! He's a sniveling little sycophantic tushie kisser, and I hate him!

LORELAI

Michel!

MICHEL

He weasels his way into every area of my life. The only good thing about the Independence Inn burning down was that Tobin was gone, but yet, here he is, back. He's like the cat.

LORELAI

What cat?

MICHEL

The one that came back the very next day. You thought he was a goner, but the cat came back. He just wouldn't stay away.

LORELAI

Michel, you do not have to be jealous of Tobin.

MICHEL

He wants to replace me.

LORELAI

As what?

MICHEL

As everything. He wants to replace me in my entire life. He's going to keep worming his way in until you no longer find any reason to have me around.

LORELAI

You're being silly.

MICHEL

He's going to succeed. It doesn't matter that I have all the experience and the credentials and the history to run this inn. He likes the baby. He holds the baby. He doesn't roll the baby under the bed - he wins!

LORELAI

Oh, he does not win. Michel, this rivalry is in your head.

MICHEL

It is, huh?

LORELAI

Yes.

MICHEL

So you do not like Tobin better than me?

LORELAI

No. We like Tobin. We're addicted to you.

MICHEL

You are?

LORELAI

Yes. We asked you to come with us to the Dragonfly, didn't we? We love you, Michel, and as long as you stay far, far away from little Davey, we will continue loving you.

MICHEL

Oh. I can do that.

LORELAI

Good.

RORY

Okay, hold on. And... what do you think?

PARIS

It stinks.

RORY

Well, it's a newspaper hat. It's not supposed to spark a trend.

PARIS

There.

RORY

How'd you do that?

PARIS

Martha Stewart.

RORY

Martha Stewart actually did a segment on how to make a hat out of newspaper?

PARIS

Yes.

RORY

Oh. Well, it looks nice.

GLENN

Aah! What is this? Academically approved torture? Make your own hat - that's how you get on the paper? 'Cause that has what to do with anything?

RORY

Relax, Glenn.

PARIS

It's tradition.

GLENN

It's not tradition. It's hazing. Why don't they just handcuff us naked to a streetlamp wearing a sign that says, "honk if you like unbiased journalism"? I'm not doing it. They can't make me.

DOYLE

You don't wear the hat, you're not getting on the paper.

GLENN

I need another sheet.

DOYLE

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight represents a melding of the old and the new. For one night, identifying the two groups will be easy. The old will be the ones running around frantically trying to get out the latest issue of the Daily News, and the new will be the ones in the stupid hats. It's a much-beloved tradition that for one night, all night, you don a hat of your own making, wait on members of the paper while observing the inner working of the Yale Daily News. There's a lot of new, fresh talent sitting in this room tonight. Rory Gilmore, an unflinchingly honest reviewer who shows no mercy, but a great deal of dark wit in her pieces. Paris Geller, whose interview with Professor Asher Fleming was the most intimate and revealing portrait of a complicated man that I have ever read. Glenn Babble, whose cartoon commentaries on the American family prove that he was never hugged a day in his life. It's hard work being here, but it's an honor. You're working with the best of the best. From here, you can go to the New York Times, the Washington Post. You can even sell out your ideals completely like the cofounders of the Daily News did when they started Time magazine, which has basically become an overhyped, illustrated birdcage liner. News for the "Reader's Digest" bunch, I call it. The "just give us the gist of it" magazine masquerading as a real news outlet. I mean, let's face it - if it weren't for waiting rooms all over the world, there'd be absolutely no need for Time magazine... at all. I hate Time magazine! Cheryl, I need tea!

PARIS

You know, you never told me what you thought of my article.

RORY

Um, what article?

PARIS

My interview with Asher Fleming. Did you read it?

RORY

I skimmed it.

PARIS

Oh, well, I have a copy in our room. I can give it to you tomorrow.

RORY

You're a good writer. I'm sure it's good.

PARIS

Yeah, but still, I'd like you to read it. I trust your opinion, and I'd like to be able to discuss it with you.

RORY

Look, we're supposed to be taking dinner orders, so...

PARIS

Hello? Hi.

DOYLE

[from across the room] No phone calls while you're wearing the hat!

PARIS

Hold on. [to Rory] I will be right back.

RORY

Where are you going? You're not supposed to leave while you're wearing the hat.

PARIS

I will be right back. [grabs her coat and sneaks out]

GLENN

It's a good thing high school had already beaten all the self-esteem out of me.

JASON

How could you talk through an entire movie?

LORELAI

Well, nothing else was happening.

JASON

An entire movie was happening. There were people in costumes and horses. Did you see the horses?

LORELAI

I did see the horses.

JASON

I thought you liked horses.

LORELAI

I do like horses, but they never let them talk.

JASON

Well, that's because this wasn't a talking-horse movie. You want some wine?

LORELAI

Oh, I don't know. You're vibing my movie-watching habits.

JASON

I am not vibing your habits. I'm merely saying that the large man in a wife beater sitting in front of us invited me into the lobby to discuss your habits, and had I accepted his charming invitation, I might be in traction right now.

LORELAI

Oh, please. You could totally have outrun him. You're spry. [Jason hands her a glass of wine] Thank you. So, this is your place.

JASON

This is it.

LORELAI

Hm. Interesting. Very, very interesting.

JASON

So, what's the verdict?

LORELAI

Well, you're not a tchotchke guy.

JASON

Yeah, I don't like too many objects around that have no obvious purpose.

LORELAI

The purpose of tchotchkes is to make you happy. They make you smile. They make a room seem fun and whimsical.

JASON

Well, I invite a clown over once a week to make the room feel fun and whimsical, so I feel all set in that department.

LORELAI

I thought you said you had a dog.

JASON

I do.

LORELAI

Where is he?

JASON

Over there. [he points to a dog sitting perfectly still in front of the fireplace]

LORELAI

Oh. He's cute... and very still.

JASON

Yeah, he's the best.

LORELAI

What is his name?

JASON

Cyrus.

LORELAI

Cyrus, sure. Perfect name for a dog. Cyrus. Hi, Cyrus. Is he breathing?

JASON

Yes. Cyrus was actually trained by the monks of New Skete.

LORELAI

Oh, wow.

JASON

He's incredibly well-behaved. He was housebroken in an hour. He has a two-bark minimum for delivery guys, three for everybody else, but the best thing about him is he doesn't do any of the standard "sit and lie down" commands. I taught him very special commands that only my dog could know.

LORELAI

Like what?

JASON

Uh, like... a little to the left.

LORELAI

Shut up.

JASON

Cyrus, a little to the left.

LORELAI

What the hell's that good for?

JASON

Well, what the hell is "sit" good for?

LORELAI

When you sit, you get a cookie.

JASON

Well, when you move a little to the left, you get the satisfaction of knowing you are doing something, but you are not pandering for a dog bone.

LORELAI

Can he move a little to the right?

JASON

No, not yet. We just do a little to the left until he hits the wall, and then I turn him around.

LORELAI

You and your dog are extremely weird.

JASON

Thank you. [they kiss]

LORELAI

Thank you. [they kiss again] I'm not sure we're setting such a good example for Cyrus over there.

JASON

Oh, you might be right. Cyrus... [gestures for Cyrus to turn around, which he does]

LORELAI

Okay. Well, that one, I get. [they kiss again]

DOYLE

Every week, you argue with me.

STUDENT

But Doyle, it's a perfectly good article.

DOYLE

Hey, we don't do "perfectly good" here. You want to do "perfectly good," go to Harvard.

STUDENT

Jackass.

STUDENT

Can you beat him to death with that?

RORY

I don't think so. It's soft serve. [she walks over to Doyle] I got your ice cream.

DOYLE

What is this?

RORY

Strawberry ice cream.

DOYLE

It has strawberries in it.

RORY

I don't even know how to respond to that.

DOYLE

I wanted plain strawberry ice cream without chunks of strawberries in it. This has chunks.

RORY

I see one.

DOYLE

I can't eat this. Take it away.

RORY

Would you like me to get you something else?

DOYLE

No, just forget it. Fine. Bring it back.

RORY

Are you okay, Doyle?

DOYLE

Yes. Why wouldn't I be?

RORY

I don't know. You just seem a little bit annoyed tonight.

DOYLE

Well, I have an issue to put out with a big hole on the back page because my editorial writers chose to be unopinionated today!

RORY

And that's it?

DOYLE

And I got rejected for a job as Yale's stringer to Time magazine.

RORY

Ah, so, that explains it.

DOYLE

This is a major blow to my career, you know.

RORY

You're twenty.

DOYLE

These things can follow you, Rory. One day you're feeling good, you're the fair-haired boy, and the next day you're Schleprock.

RORY

You're not Schleprock, Doyle.

DOYLE

Tell that to my dad.

GLENN

Okay, I just have to say how amazingly unfair it is that I have a rubber band working its way into my brain, and Paris gets to bail.

RORY

Paris isn't here?

GLENN

No, she isn't.

DOYLE

You didn't know she left?

RORY

No, I knew that there was this thing with her family, um, that she was really concerned about. Well, you know she got that call, and her aunt is sick, and I heard her say something about going to the hospital so I think that's where she went.

DOYLE

All right. Well, come get me the minute she gets back.

RORY

I will.

LORELAI

Hey, do you have a Cosmo lying around? 'Cause I wanna see how many calories I just burned off.

JASON

I've looked. It's 55.

LORELAI

Oh, no, it's way more than 55. I know what 55 is, and that, my friend, was not 55. [he hands her a glass of water] Thanks.

JASON

Are you cold? I could turn up the heat.

LORELAI

Oh, please, enough with the bragging.

JASON

So, you're good?

LORELAI

I'm good. I'm gonna fall asleep extremely happy tonight. Hi.

JASON

Hi back.

LORELAI

Are you thinking about joining me back here anytime soon?

JASON

Joining you... well...

LORELAI

Jason?

JASON

Okay, just remember, you like that I have little quirks.

LORELAI

Okay.

JASON

They're what make me me.

LORELAI

You're not gonna ask to wear my dress, are you?

JASON

No. Um, I was just wondering if you wouldn't mind sleeping in the guest room tonight.

LORELAI

Well... didn't see that one coming.

JASON

I am the world's lightest sleeper. I have chronic insomnia, so I just, I toss and I turn like a crazy person, and I can't sleep in the same bed with another person.

LORELAI

You're serious?

JASON

Yeah.

LORELAI

You want me to go in the guest room?

JASON

It's a really nice room.

LORELAI

You know, why don't I just go?

JASON

Oh, no, no, no, please, I swear, I want you to stay. I want to see you in the morning. I wanna make you breakfast. I want you to be here when I get up. Well, not here... in there, but -

LORELAI

You know, Jason, you don't have to go to all this trouble just to get me to leave.

JASON

I don't want you to leave.

LORELAI

I'm a big girl, I can handle the truth.

JASON

This is the truth.

LORELAI

It's fine, I have things I need to do tomorrow. I should probably go home anyhow.

JASON

Please, just look at the room. Just one look. A peek. You don't even have to use both eyes if you don't want to.

LORELAI

One look.

JASON

That's all I ask. Well, that, and you get out of the bed very slowly.

LORELAI

You know what, don't flirt with me. I'm finding you weird right now.

JASON

Fair enough. Here you go. [hands her a robe]

JASON

Here it is.

LORELAI

It's okay.

JASON

There are hundreds of great books in here, ranging from the classics - "Wuthering Heights" - to the real classics - "Valley of the Dolls."

LORELAI

Nice taste.

JASON

Fully loaded minibar - soda, candy, little bottles of hooch. A really great CD player, CD's down below, and a DVD library above.

LORELAI

DVD's but no TV?

JASON

Aha.

JASON

Oh, come on, that is cool.

LORELAI

Okay, fine, it's cool. The room is good.

JASON

It's better than good. I would love this room.

LORELAI

Well, you do know you can have it, don't you?

JASON

I can't have any distractions in my room or I won't sleep.

LORELAI

Really?

JASON

That's right. TV, reading material, unbelievably gorgeous woman.

LORELAI

I should at least get billing over the TV.

JASON

It's plasma.

LORELAI

Oh, right.

JASON

So, what do you think?

LORELAI

Well...

JASON

There's Kiehl's products in the bathroom.

LORELAI

Jason, I promise, if I leave, it won't be that big a deal.

JASON

It'll be a very big deal to me. Please. Stay.

LORELAI

Okay.

JASON

Yes?

LORELAI

Yes. Freak.

JASON

Thank you. Even for the "freak," thank you. Uh, there's a loofah in the top drawer. Good night.

LORELAI

Good night.

PARIS

Whew. It's late. Late, late, late, late, late, late, late. Don't you wanna know where I was?

RORY

No, I don't.

PARIS

I completely lost track of time. I guess I should remember to take a watch with me from now on. Man, when I got that call tonight, I had no idea it was gonna go this late. Yes, it was quite a night. Tonight. You're sure you don't wanna know where I was?

RORY

No, I don't wanna know where you were, and I don't wanna know what you were doing or who you were doing it with. I had to cover for you when Doyle noticed that you were gone, so I told him that you were at a family thing, and as far as I'm concerned, that's where you were - at your family thing. And in the future, I want nothing to do with anything to do with what you were doing tonight or who you were doing it with, especially who! Now, go to sleep.

PARIS

I smell like pipe tobacco.

RORY

Oh, jeez.

LORELAI

Hi, Cyrus.

JASON

Oh, good. Listen, would you still find me attractive if I were poor?

LORELAI

Um, no.

JASON

Ah, that's what I figured. Sleep good?

LORELAI

I watched "The Daily Show," fell into the best sleep I ever had, woke up, watched "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," and had a vanilla-scented jacuzzi bath.

JASON

Ah, so that's what the look on your face is. I thought it was from sex with me.

LORELAI

No, it's from the jacuzzi bath. Good morning.

JASON

Good morning. Uh, coffee's over here.

LORELAI

Thank you. Mm, the coffee smells good. Hey, can we, uh, not sleep together again tonight?

JASON

Absolutely. You want cheese in your eggs?

LORELAI

Why not? [sips her coffee] Mm, good.

JASON

I think we're ready to go.

LORELAI

Wow, look what you've done here.

JASON

Well, I am trying to impress you. Trust me, once you're completely mad about me, it is back to corn flakes and beer.

LORELAI

This is lovely.

JASON

You are lovely.

LORELAI

[tastes the food] Very good.

JASON

Tomorrow I'll make blintzes.

LORELAI

Um, listen, we should talk about what we're gonna do.

JASON

About what?

LORELAI

I mean, you know, what we're gonna, uh, say to people about us.

JASON

Hm, how about "yahoo"?

LORELAI

No, I'm talking about what we're gonna say to my parents about us.

JASON

Oh, well, I thought we'd say that we're having repeated sexual encounters out of wedlock continuously as catholic schoolchildren are walking by.

LORELAI

Perfect.

JASON

No, you know... we like each other, we're dating - pretty simple.

LORELAI

Nothing is simple when it comes to my parents.

JASON

Okay, what do you want to say?

LORELAI

I'd like to say nothing.

JASON

Nothing?

LORELAI

I mean, it isn't really any of their business anyhow, is it?

JASON

Uh, no, but we can't just say nothing.

LORELAI

It'll cause too many problems if they know.

JASON

In my experience, these things have a way of coming out.

LORELAI

How?

JASON

I don't know. Somebody slips up.

LORELAI

I never slip up. I'm completely non-slip. I'm like one of those rubber mats you stick in the bottom of the tub.

JASON

Why can't we tell your parents about this?

LORELAI

I just think it's weird. You're in business with my father and he won't like this.

JASON

He'll get used to it.

LORELAI

My father has never gotten used to anything. He still misses diesel fuel, for God's sake.

JASON

You don't find it exhausting, keeping secrets? You have to watch everything you say.

LORELAI

I always have to watch everything that I say around my parents anyway.

JASON

Okay, how about we just tell one of them, just to see how that goes?

LORELAI

Please, Jason. We will tell them eventually, I promise, just not now.

JASON

Okay. They're your parents, and if you feel that strongly, then we'll wait.

LORELAI

Thank you. [picks up a piece of bacon] Hey, um, can I feed this to Cyrus?

JASON

Sure. [calls to the dog] Hey, Cyrus, you want the bacon?

LORELAI

That is one strange dog, Jason.

JASON

Yup.

MAN

Excuse me. Do you know how much longer it's going on?

LORELAI

[confused] Uh... no... uh...

DORRIE

Well, hello.

MAN

Are we too late?

DORRIE

No, of course not.

MAN

Good.

DORRIE

May I have your ticket, please?

LORELAI

I don't have a ticket.

DORRIE

Well, you can't take the tour without a ticket.

EMILY

Excuse me, Dorrie, this is my daughter.

DORRIE

Oh! Well, hello there.

LORELAI

Hi.

EMILY

Come in, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Okay. [to the people behind her] Bye. [walks into the house] Mom, what is going on?

EMILY

We let the Historical Society use our house for a walking tour. It's for a good cause, and I am never doing it again.

RICHARD

It was supposed to end at five o'clock, Emily.

EMILY

I know that, Richard. What do you want me to do, throw them out?

RICHARD

This is not how it's done. This is not how proper charities work. You do not infringe on people's lives. You make a plan and stick to it.

TOURIST

Oh, look. They hired actors to be the family. How clever.

RICHARD

We are not actors!

EMILY

Richard, please.

DORRIE

Oh no, folks, this is not part of the tour. Sorry, Emily. [ushers the tour group away]

EMILY

That's quite all right, Dorrie.

RICHARD

It is not all right, Dorrie.

EMILY

Richard, just ignore it and pass the carrots.

RICHARD

This is lunacy. I feel as if I was in a zoo.

LORELAI

Well, Dad, you know what monkeys do when they don't like people staring at them in the zoo.

RICHARD

No, I don't.

EMILY

And you don't want to.

LORELAI

How do you know?

EMILY

I can just tell.

RICHARD

Don't play that piano! Don't you see the sign? There was supposed to be a sign.

EMILY

There is a sign.

RICHARD

Well, it's not a very good sign.

DORRIE

[from another room] The house was built in 1906 by Stanford White.

RICHARD

That's it. [leaves the room] The house was built in 1907, and he was a protégé of Stanford White.

EMILY

I'm getting a migraine. [follows after Richard]

LORELAI

So, you're a full-fledged newspaper-woman now.

RORY

Yes, I am.

LORELAI

Congratulations.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

Now you gotta get yourself a nickname like Smitty and start talking really fast.

RORY

Faster than I already do?

LORELAI

Hey, whatever it takes.

EMILY

What where you going to do, hit the man?

RICHARD

He went into my desk!

EMILY

He was 85 years old.

RICHARD

Well, it's never too late to learn a lesson. This is it, Emily. I mean it.

EMILY

I know you do, Richard.

RICHARD

The next time you plan a function, we will rent a hall and do it properly, like the fibromyalgia function last night. That is the proper way to raise money.

LORELAI

You went to a function last night, you had a function tonight...

EMILY

We didn't host the one last night. We were just guests.

RORY

Was it fun?

EMILY

It was fine.

RICHARD

It wasn't here. It was perfect.

EMILY

The food was terrible. The fact that people still insist on serving paella is simply beyond me. However, the room looked lovely.

RICHARD

And the music was excellent.

EMILY

And the guest list was very good - a lovely group of people, except for...

RICHARD

Emily!

EMILY

Would it have hurt the woman to buy an undergarment?

LORELAI

[gasps] Who?

RICHARD

She was a very nice girl. I wouldn't request to see her thesis on anything, but she was charming and a good dancer.

LORELAI

Who's the dumb girl without the underwear?

EMILY

Jason's date.

LORELAI

Jason brought a date?

EMILY

And I had to sit next to her all night. Oh, the fascinating time we had. I know all the best places to get my acrylics filled.

RICHARD

Your mother is a snob. She was quite beautiful.

LORELAI

She was, huh?

EMILY

Well, she's perfect for Jason, I will say that.

LORELAI

So, how beautiful was she? Are we talking Catherine Zeta-Jones or the weird-looking Hilton sister?

EMILY

She looks like exactly the kind of gold digger who would latch onto an immature little con artist like Jason.

RICHARD

My goodness, Emily, tell us how you really feel about the boy.

LORELAI

But when you say gold digger, do you mean she was cheap-looking?

EMILY

Yes.

RICHARD

No.

LORELAI

So is he serious about this girl?

EMILY

Oh, who can tell? She looks like a perfectly fine first wife for him.

LORELAI

Huh.

RICHARD

Now the old man is just baiting me. [storms off] What did I tell you about the piano?

LORELAI

You know, we don't have to put the reception area over there.

MICHEL

I just want to know where my office is going to be.

LORELAI

Fonzie used the bathroom as his office.

SOOKIE

Yeah, what are you saying, that what's good enough for the Fonz isn't good enough for you?

LORELAI

Yeah.

MICHEL

Fonzie used that bathroom office only intermittently and not for any business for which he was paid. He had use of a private office at the auto shop he worked at, then access to the teachers' lounge where he taught night school part time.

LORELAI

Oh my God, you're taking this Fonzie thing way too seriously.

JASON

Lorelai, am I interrupting?

LORELAI

Oh, hey, what are you doing here?

JASON

Uh, I was on my way to New York, and I wanted to see this inn you're always talking about.

LORELAI

Oh, well, uh, sure.

SOOKIE

Hello, I'm Sookie.

LORELAI

Um, Sookie's my partner here.

JASON

Hi, Sookie, I'm Jason Stiles.

SOOKIE

Yes, you are.

MICHEL

Uh, Michel Gerard.

LORELAI

And Michel is the manager of the Dragonfly.

JASON

It's nice to meet you.

LORELAI

Okay, so, um, I'm just gonna show Jason around.

MICHEL

Take your time.

LORELAI

Follow me.

JASON

Your friends seem really nice.

LORELAI

Oh, they're the best.

JASON

So, who do they think I am?

LORELAI

What do you mean?

JASON

Well, did you tell 'em we're dating or do they think I make your hats?

LORELAI

They know who you are.

JASON

This place is really great.

LORELAI

Yeah, you think?

JASON

I do.

LORELAI

Good, that's good.

JASON

Um, you seem a little distracted. Did I come at a bad time?

LORELAI

No, you came at a perfect time.

JASON

Perfect time for...

LORELAI

I heard you went to a function the other night.

JASON

Ah, fibromyalgia - a very dull disease.

LORELAI

I also heard you didn't go alone.

JASON

No, I didn't.

LORELAI

So, you brought a date?

JASON

Yes, I did.

LORELAI

Okay, good. Well, that's good, I'm glad. Um, my mother said she didn't wear any underwear.

JASON

Emily didn't wear any underwear?

LORELAI

Your date didn't wear any underwear.

JASON

Oh, I don't know that for a fact, but if Emily said so, far be it from me to call her a liar.

LORELAI

Huh, okay. Hey, you wanna see the stables?

JASON

Uh, sure.

LORELAI

Well, there they are. Well, tour's over. Bathroom's to the left.

JASON

You wanna tell me what you're bothered about?

LORELAI

We're sleeping together, and you're taking bare-butted women to functions?

JASON

Crystal is just a friend -

LORELAI

A friend named Crystal? Who are you, Hugh Hefner?

JASON

Whoa, whoa, wait a sec. I would have much rather taken you to that function. Trust me, Crystal is very sweet, but the mocking of the sick is completely beyond her capabilities. But you told me in no uncertain terms that your parents were not supposed to know about us, and since this is a function your parents would be attending, I thought taking you would be out of the question.

LORELAI

Well, you could've gone alone.

JASON

You don't go to these things alone. There are two seats and you're expected to fill them.

LORELAI

Well, you could've told me so I wasn't blindsided by my parents.

JASON

See, this is what I mean about keeping secrets. It never works. Let's just tell your parents, then we never have to have this conversation again. Lorelai, I am in a business where there are lots of functions. I have to go to those functions, and I don't want to take other people, but I'm gonna have to if you won't let me say something to your father. I have no interest in spending a second of my time with any other woman but you. And Eartha Kitt.

LORELAI

Well, sure.

JASON

So, what do you say? Can we end the madness and tell your parents?

LORELAI

No.

JASON

No?

LORELAI

I know it's tricky to keep this a secret, but I just don't think it's time to tell them yet. And if that means that I have to adjust, then I have to adjust. And now that you've told me how you feel, I think it's fine if you take Crystal to these functions.

JASON

Well, it's fine for you - you don't have to talk to the woman.

LORELAI

Oh, sorry.

JASON

Hey, maybe you don't understand. It's like beating your head against a wall with spikes.

LORELAI

[laughs] Wanna see the apple trees?

JASON

She thinks that Babe can really talk.

LORELAI

Aw.

STUDENT

Contemporary Political Fiction?

RORY

Yes.

STUDENT

Oh, good. I swore this semester would be different. I would get to class on time. I would finish my assignments on time. I would do everything on time. [gasps] I left my purse on the bench.

PROFESSOR FLEMING

I haven't started speaking yet.

RORY

[to another student] Asher Fleming is teaching this course?

STUDENT

I know. Isn't it cool?

PROFESSOR FLEMING

Ah, Rory Gilmore. We meet again.

RORY

Hello, Professor Fleming.

PROFESSOR FLEMING

You're taking this class?

RORY

Yes, I am.

PROFESSOR FLEMING

Wonderful. I look forward to it. After all, it seems very natural, doesn't it? Especially since you and I have someone very important in common, hm? Your grandfather. Good man.

RORY

Yes, sir. Very good.

PROFESSOR FLEMING

All right, well, let's get settled. The class is Contemporary Political Fiction. I am Professor Fleming. All those in the wrong class, please leave. How do you know you're in the wrong class? If you do not enjoy a good argument, if you find it difficult to voice a differing opinion, and if you cannot appreciate an intelligently cloaked insult, then you're in the wrong class. If all of these things appeal to you, then you are in for an interesting semester. I'll be handing out the reading lists.