T4E11: “In the Clamor and the Clangor”

RORY

[Sniffles]

LORELAI

Kleenex. [Hands her a Kleenex.]

RORY

I'm gonna miss Stan.

LORELAI

I know, I'm gonna miss him too.

RORY

He was so cute, with his fedora and his Hush Puppies. Everyday, the fedora and the Hush Puppies.

LORELAI

Yeah, if he just would have added some pants.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

RORY

'Cause you wouldn't want a downer funeral.

LORELAI

Ok, we're being serious now.

SOOKIE

You remember every Tuesday, Stan came to the Independence Inn for lunch?

LORELAI

I remember.

SOOKIE

That was a total waste because he couldn't eat dairy, or salt, or meat, so he basically just came in every week for a salad, with no oil, and no mushrooms. [Quietly] He hated mushrooms.

RORY

[Choking up] I hate mushrooms too.

LORELAI

[Giving a Kleenex to Rory] Oh, here you go. [To Sookie] You know, he called last week and made the first lunch reservation at the Dragonfly.

RORY

He did?

SOOKIE

Don't cancel it.

LORELAI

No, of course not. We'll save a seat for Stan.

RORY

[Choking up again] Save him a seat...

RABBI

You'll find The Mourners' Kaddish on page 453. "May his illustrious name become increasingly great and holy...

LORELAI

Hey, did you ever notice that in Stars Hollow death comes in fives?

RORY

Do not try to lighten the mood!

LORELAI

I'm not, it's true!

SOOKIE

It is?

LORELAI

Yeah, last year: Chester Thompson, Sarah Merrymen, Fran, and the Dublin twins.

SOOKIE

That's right.

LORELAI

Yeah, year before: Chuck O'Mishner, Santos Perez Jr, Santos Perez Sr -

SOOKIE

[Gasps] ...Perry Lewis and Charlie Slater, you're right!

LORELAI

And now, Pinochle Downs, Mr. Angelotopolous -

SOOKIE

Mrs. Krenz!

LORELAI

And Stan.

RORY

Wait a minute, that's only four.

LORELAI

It is only four.

SOOKIE

That means the fifth hasn't happened yet.

RABBI

Blessed, praised, glorified, exalted -

SOOKIE

Number five could be in this room right now.

LORELAI

Oh, no.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Hank Krutzman!

RORY

Hank Krutzman?

SOOKIE

Why would it be Hank Krutzman?

LORELAI

Because he's 110!

RORY

[In disbelief] Hank's 110?

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Why would you say that?

LORELAI

Because, that's the age you say when someone is really old.

RORY

I don't.

LORELAI

What age do you say?

RORY

I say the age they are, otherwise I would seem cruel and insensitive.

LORELAI

Fine, the point is he is very, very old.

RORY

Well that doesn't make him number five.

LORELAI

I don't know...

SOOKIE

Hank Krutzman. He was such a happy guy.

LORELAI

He had such a good life.

SOOKIE

He owned those horses.

LORELAI

He loved his golf.

RORY

Stop!

LORELAI

What?

RORY

You guys just eulogized Hank! He's not even dead yet.

RABBI

At this time, I would like to call up Stan's dear friend and fellow Rotary Club member, Reverand Skinner.

LORELAI

Ok, but if we do think it's Hank -

RORY

We don't think it's Hank.

SOOKIE

Why not?

RORY

Because if we think it's Hank, and then something happens and it turns out to be Hank, then we caused it.

LORELAI

She's right.

SOOKIE

It's not Hank.

RORY

So now, let's just focus on Stan because he's dead, and we had nothing to do with that.

LORELAI

Fine.

SOOKIE

Right.

REVEREND SKINNER

My good friend Stan Green lived here for 56 years. He loved this town and it's friendly people, charming stores and beautiful church bells. Now, many of you don't remember the church bells. They fell into disrepair about 20 years ago and have been quiet ever since. But Stan remembered those bells, and it was his wish that they ring out over Stars Hollow once again, so he generously bequeathed the funds to make that dream come true. [The church whispers excitedly.] We're going to restore the bells in honor of our dear friend Stan, and every time they ring we'll think of him. He will be missed, but never forgotten.

RORY

[Crying into her Kleenex] Oh, Stan.

RABBI

Thank you, Reverend. [Shakes his hand] And now, please join us in saying goodbye at the cemetery.

SOOKIE

That's so sweet.

LORELAI

Yeah, do you remember the bells?

SOOKIE

No, it was before my time.

LORELAI

Me too, sounds great.

MISS PATTY

Oh, they were fantastic. One of my most romantic memories happened during those bells.

RORY

Your first kiss?

MISS PATTY

Uh, sure. Oh-kay.

LORELAI

Oh, no!

SOOKIE

Hank!

LORELAI

Okay. He's okay, he's okay.

RORY

Oh, thank god.

LORELAI

We are going to be very stressed out for the rest of Hank's life.

RORY

Serves us right for making him the fifth.

LORELAI

Hey, we did not make him the fifth, we do not have the power.

SOOKIE

Yeah, we just speculated.

LORELAI

Yeah, that was it, for all we know anyone could be the fifth.

SOOKIE

That's right, it could be anyone. I mean Taylor, or Reggie, or Andrew or Kirk.

KIRK

OW! Oh! Going dark, going dark!

LORELAI

We are the Witches of Eastwick.

LANE

Yeah!

BRAIN

Perfect.

GIL

That middle-A drum roll was awesome!

LANE

So keep it?

GIL

Keep it!

LANE

Zack, you seem less than thrilled?

GIL

Yeah man, you look like my seven year old when she's all grumpy-puss.

ZACK

Look, far be it from me to complain -

BRIAN

Since when?

ZACK

Don't be a putz.

BRAIN

But you complain a lot.

ZACK

I just think we're a little too on the beat, that's all.

LANE

Too on the beat. That's crazy.

BRIAN

How can we be too on the beat?

LANE

We should be off the beat?

ZACK

Hey, fine, sorry I brought it up. Let's just play perfectly on the beat and add a laser show and a flute and be "prog" rock, if that's what you want.

LANE

We're just trying to figure out what you mean, Zack. So, we're too perfect?

ZACK

I think.

BRIAN

Are we practicing too much?

LANE

We don't practice too much, we're just good.

ZACK

I don't want to sound all fake and computerized, alright? I don't wanna be N*Sync.

GIL

[Slowly] N*Sync, what's that?

BRIAN

N*Sync is one of those sucky boy-bands.

GIL

Oh, I'm rock and roll, I don't know anything about boy-bands.

ZACK

I don't either, I've just read about them.

LANE

You read about N*Sync?

BRIAN

What are they, like a guilty pleasure for you or something?

GIL

Hey, if we're getting confessional and all, I kinda like Simon and Garfunkel.

LANE

I've always had this thing for Fleetwood Mac, I'm embarrassed to say.

BRIAN

[Shyly] Sarah McLachlan. [Puts a hand on Zacks shoulder.] So, N*Sync?

ZACK

[Shrugs off his hand] I'm not into N*Sync!. I just read a lot about music, and I've read about them, and I don't read, I skim!

GIL

Hey, as far as the beat goes, we can loosen things up a bit. I mean, I know I can.

ZACK

That's all I'm saying. A little more Stones, a little less Kraftwerk.

GIL

Well, are we takin' a break now? I gotta make a call.

LANE

Yeah, let's take a break. [Gil leaves] You're so mean to him.

ZACK

No, I'm not.

LANE

He knows exactly who you're talking about, and he's so nice.

BRIAN

Yeah, I mean he gets here early, he brings sandwiches from his shop.

ZACK

Never an Italian sub with pickles, which is what I like, I must say.

LANE

I would rather you gave me the hard time instead of Gil, since I'm the one who let him in the band.

ZACK

Hey, we all let him in, we're a democracy, we all let him in the band.

LANE

Fine, we all let him in, so we should all remember that.

GIL

You guys are not going to believe this, not in a million years.

LANE

Xander win a soccer match?

GIL

No, that's at 4:00 tomorrow. We, the band, are booked ... at CBGB's.

ZACK

We're what?

GIL

Dude, we have a gig at CBGB's.

LANE

CBGB's in New York?

GIL

No, in Hackensack. Joke, dudes, the one in New York.

LANE

Oh My God!

ZACK

Gil, come on, are you serious?

GIL

Dude, I am always serious about rock and roll.

LANE

How did this happen?

GIL

My buddy Pete works sound there? I got him a tape, he slipped it to the booker, and BAM, we're in.

LANE

Holy bam!

BRIAN

I need my inhaler.

GIL

Now, it's not a great slot; It's 1:00 on a Tuesday night.

LANE

Who cares? It's CBGB's!

BRIAN

The Ramones started there!

ZACK

Wow.

LANE

Blondie, Sonic Youth, Television, Talking Heads...the list goes on and on.

GIL

I said yes. It's okay to say yes? [Lane looks at him in disbelief before grabbing and hugging him] I guess it's okay...

BRAIN

[Puffs his inhaler and gives Gil a thumbs up.]

LORELAI

Sure is pretty, isn't it?

RORY

Yes, it is.

LORELAI

I love the first snow of the year.

RORY

I know, me too, although this isn't actually the first snow of the year.

LORELAI

It isn't?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

What happened to the first snow of the year?

RORY

I had a philosophy final.

LORELAI

Oh, right.

RORY

And the second snow of the season was on Wednesday.

LORELAI

Yeah, I had my walkthrough of the inn.

RORY

So, actually this is the third snow of the season.

LORELAI

Fourth, the third was on Saturday.

RORY

It was? Why didn't you call me?

LORELAI

Because, it happened in the middle of the night.

RORY

Well, you still could have called me.

LORELAI

In the middle of the night?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

You wanted me to call you, at Yale, in the middle of the night so I could say, "Hey, drive 20 miles to stand in the snow with Mommy?"

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

And then take the craziest mother-daughter title from Judy and Liza.

RORY

So fourth snow of the season.

LORELAI

Yup.

RORY

Still pretty.

LORELAI

Yes, we are. [The bells begin to ring from the church.] The bells, they fixed the bells.

RORY

Oh, Stan.

LORELAI

See, if we had taken our traditional "first snow of the season" walk, we wouldn't have heard the bells.

RORY

Bless our oppressive schedules. I have to go drop something off at Lane's.

LORELAI

Good, 'cause I have to go drop something off at Luke's. [Begins to cross the street]

RORY

What?

LORELAI

[Turns around.] I'm just dropping off some stuff, and a few things and -

RORY

Mom?

LORELAI

I need coffee.

RORY

I'll meet you there.

LORELAI

Hurry, we can come back out for the bells in half an hour.

RORY

Order me some coffee, a muffin and some onion rings.

LORELAI

Look what I pass on to the next generation.

RORY

Eating habits from Hades.

LORELAI

[Calling after her] Love that DNA!

MARLA

Pursue an interview with a distinguished leader with great influence on the community state or nation.

LANE

Well, that sounds like it should be interesting. Who should we interview? [Jordan raises a finger] Oh, Jordan!

JORDAN

Pastor Cho is available.

LANE

Yes! [Mock enthusiasm] Pastor Cho would be interesting and ...convenient since his house is right on campus, so okay, good option in Pastor Cho. Any other suggestions?

ANDY

[Eagerly] Assistant Pastor Eric?

LANE

Yes. Assistant Pastor Eric, also a fine idea, he lives next door to Pastor Cho. Would anyone like to think outside the clergy?

MARLA

Why?

JORDAN

Pastor Cho did it last year.

MARLA

Pastor Cho does it every year.

LANE

So then perhaps Pastor Cho might like a rest?

ANDY

Then it would be Assistant Pastor Eric!

LANE

Hey, I have an idea. How about we send a letter to Bill Clinton. It's probably be a long shot, but you never know!

MARLA

Bill Clinton?

LANE

Yeah!

JORDAN

But Pastor Cho is expecting our call.

ANDY

Unless he's sick, in which case it would be Assistant Pastor Eric!

LANE

Yes, but I -

MRS. KIM

Lane! Rory is here to see you.

LANE

Rory! Hi, and bless you.

RORY

Lane! Hi and ... thank you.

LANE

Rory, this is Andy, Sarah, Jill, Marla and Jordan.

RORY

Nice to meet you all. I didn't mean to interrupt, I just wanted to return your book and get another one.

LANE

Oh, of course. [To Mrs. Kim] I'll be right back

MRS. KIM

Please hurry, the tea is almost ready.

LANE

I will.

LANE

So, how did you like it?

RORY

It's great, I burned a copy for my Mom.

LANE

You know, its people like you who are destroying the music industry!

RORY

Oh, now. Britney's gotta shoulder some of the blame.

LANE

Let me see. How about The New Pornographers?

RORY

Sold. [Lane hands her a CD, and Lane opens another floorboard to return the CD Rory borrowed] So, it's quite a lively bunch you got down there.

LANE

Oh yeah, I'm kind of worried, all of those breakables.

RORY

What are you working on?

LANE

Oh, the usual: how to avoid any contact with the outside world.

RORY

Hmm, those guys must really be screwing up the curve.

LANE

Yes, it's annoying.

RORY

Everyday?

LANE

Yes, but I could care less because today, all I can think about is the gig! I mean, I can't believe it! I'm actually going to be on stage at [high pitched] CBGBs!

RORY

I know, but how are you going to [high pitched] get there?

LANE

Oh, I will get there. As we speak, I am working on the perfect alibi.

RORY

Oh, what do ya got so far?

LANE

[motions for Rory to sit] Mama, may I run something past you? That's it.

RORY

I like it.

LANE

Yeah, so I was originally gonna start with "Can I run something past you," but I thought the may I added a certain level of respect.

RORY

I agree. However, you now need to add an excuse.

LANE

[pacing] I've come up with lots of, you know, mid-afternoon and evening alibis, but so far no 1:00 AM alibis.

RORY

You can always tell your Mom that you're sleeping over at my dorm.

LANE

She knows they're co-ed. By the way, she's praying for you. So, you wanna borrow the new Sparks?

RORY

Please! Oh, now how about this? Tell your Mom that you're taking an astronomy class, and you have to go on a field trip to look at the stars.

LANE

There are no astronomy classes at Adventist College. That would imply the universe is old.

RORY

Not a lot of loopholes in your world, huh?

LANE

It's okay, I'll come up with something. My entire life has been a training session for this very event.

RORY

I have faith in you.

LANE

Thank you.

LANE

Wait! [Lane takes out a new book cover to make it look like Rory has borrowed a new book]

RORY

Oop! Getting a little sloppy, there.

MRS. KIM

Lane! Your classmates are waiting.

LANE

Sorry, Mama.

RORY

Um, well, I gotta go. Thank you for the book. Bye, Mrs. Kim.

MRS. KIM

Wait! [Rory stops. Mrs. Kim takes the book and looks at the cover] "Jane -- One woman's harrowing journey to God." Good choice!

RORY

Thank you, ma'am. [Hurries out]

PARIS

Smart move, jumping on my bandwagon with the International Relations Association.

RORY

Like I had a choice.

PARIS

What?

RORY

You dragged me here, Paris.

PARIS

You'll thank me when you're interviewing for grad school in a few years and find those waifish looks of yours aren't quite as charming.

RORY

Whatever that means.

PARIS

It means these kind of clubs look good on your resumé.

RORY

You know what also looks good on a resumé? Passing your classes.

PARIS

No one studies more than you do, you're fine. Now, remember to argue, even if you have nothing to say, or add, be vocal. Very few people in lifelisten to what anyone else says anyhow. It's all about volume.

RORY

Can I ask why you're suddenly so interested in international relations? You're pre-med.

PARIS

It's critical to step out of one's major and experience our worlds sweeping expanse. Plus, a certain fellow told me about it.

RORY

Okay, enough with that.

PARIS

[Looks at the advisor for the discussion] Oh, this is too much. [She signs her name to a clipboard.]

RORY

What?

PARIS

Our advisor, Professor Friedman.

RORY

You know her? [Rory signs as well]

PARIS

Of her. Her daughter was busted last spring by New Haven police for growing pot in their basement, right during harvest season. Strangely, it never made the papers.

RORY

Then how do you know about it?

PARIS

A certain fellow told me.

RORY

I have got to stop asking questions.

KIRK

Luke?

LUKE

[Irritated] Yeah, Kirk.

KIRK

What time is it?

LUKE

I'm not saying, Kirk.

KIRK

Why not?

LUKE

Because I just told you 30 seconds ago!

KIRK

More like 45 seconds if you add in all the bickering.

LUKE

[Sighs] 3:58.

KIRK

Only two minutes until the bells.

LUKE

Unless of course, I'm fast.

KIRK

You're cruel at times, Luke.

LUKE

Only when poked with a stick.

LORELAI

Coffee, big cup and hello!

KIRK

Lorelai, what time do you have?

LUKE

Do not tell him. He already knows.

KIRK

I do not!

LUKE

If you just wait for the bells, then you'll get to hear the bells, and then you'll know what time it is.

KIRK

Actually, that's not true. The other day I stood too close to the bells and they rang so loud that there's now a persistent ringing in my ears. Now I can't tell which are the church bells and which are the Kirk bells.

LORELAI

[Mock concern] Oh, no. Did you go to the doctor?

KIRK

Yes, he said I have tinnitis. I looked it up on the web at "Celebrities Who Share Your Disease" and found that William Shatner is likewise afflicted.

LORELAI

Really, Kirk and Captain Kirk?

KIRK

The irony wasn't lost on me. [He hears Luke place two plates onto a table. Looking up,] Was that them?

LUKE

Relax, the church bells will be the loud obnoxious ones. [Walks behind the counter.]

LORELAI

Uhp somebody doesn't like bells.

LUKE

Not everyone likes bells.

LORELAI

No, actually they do.

LUKE

They enjoy the constant interruptions of conversations, the monotonous drone of the same tones, hour after hour?

LORELAI

Yes! Can you believe it? These are the same freaks who also like sunsets and the moon and the stars ... [Sees Luke ruffling through the papers again.] What are the paint chips for?

LUKE

Oh, I'm just doing some painting.

LORELAI

Oh, really? You're not gonna collect and trade them amongst your friends? What are you painting?

LUKE

Um, our apartment.

LORELAI

You and I, we're getting an apartment?

LUKE

No. Me and Nicole. We're getting an apartment.

LORELAI

[pause] Oh! That's great. When?

LUKE

When what?

LORELAI

Well, when are you getting an apartment?

LUKE

Three weeks ago.

LORELAI

Three weeks ... You moved already?

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

Huh. Uh, wow. So, where is the apartment?

LUKE

Litchfield. [Walks around the counter]

LORELAI

[Taken aback] You moved to Litchfield?

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

[Turning to face him] Three weeks ago you moved to Litchfield?

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

Litchfield is another county.

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

Well, [sighs as she turns again and he goes behind the counter.] Three weeks ago you moved to another county?

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

Well, were you gonna mention this to me anytime soon?

LUKE

Sure.

LORELAI

When?

LUKE

When it came up.

LORELAI

When it came up.

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Okay, so if I hadn't asked for the next twenty or thirty years and I sent you a nice fruit basket upstairs you just never would have gotten it.

LUKE

It's not that big a deal.

LORELAI

Okay.

LUKE

I mean it's not like we tell each other everything.

LORELAI

No! Of course we don't! I mean, I tore a pair of panty hose this morning and I didn't tell you about it. Oh wait, I guess I just did.

LUKE

Hey, you know now, right?

LORELAI

Yeah. Right.

LUKE

Look, nothing's changed.

LORELAI

Yeah nothing's changed, except you don't live here!

LUKE

So what?

LORELAI

So? I don't even have your phone number.

LUKE

I'll give you my phone number.

LORELAI

I don't even know what you live in! An apartment, a trailer, a batcave -

LUKE

A townhouse.

LORELAI

A townhouse? Sure, 'cause when I look at you I think "common driveway".

LUKE

It's fine, you'll come over and see it eventually.

LORELAI

Will I? Will I come over, because me coming over implies we're friends!

LUKE

We are friends!

LORELAI

No, we're not! We're not friends! Friends tell each other at least the most basic things like where you live and when you moved away. I thought we were friends but I guess we're not! [Stands and reaches for her coat.]

LUKE

Where are you going?

LORELAI

I can't stay! [Leaves]

LUKE

[Calling after her] Lorelai! [The bells ring.] Damn bells!

GIRL

Oh! This is the tragedy that results when your mom goes out of town leaving your dad in charge of the care package.

RORY

[Looking at a can] Cling peaches in light syrup.

GIRL

They make Rice Krispies Treats in foil packs now, how hard is that?

RORY

Oh, hey, want your smile back? [Holding up a package] Pork Top Ramen.

GIRL

For that, you share your care package.

RORY

Fine. My mom doesn't bake but she knows people who do.

GIRL #2

[Holding the ramen] This makes great packing material...

GIRL

Look, look, look. The guy over by the vending machine.

GIRL #2

Two thumbs up!

GIRL

That is my friend Josh's roommate, William.

GIRL #2

[Fanning herself] Ah! Hello your highness.

GIRL

I'm seriously debating a move here.

GIRL #2

Nakedness tends to work.

GIRL

I met him at this party this weekend. He's pretty cool - and funny! He tells this story about a girl in this dorm. She doesn't even know him, she just comes up to him and starts talking to him, and he's talking to her, you know, just to be nice, but she thinks he's into her or something, so like three seconds later she asks him out. [Rory begins to look uncomfortable] Of course he said no. But I guess to her no doesn't mean 'no', so now she's showing up everywhere he is. He calls her his "adoring fan."

GIRL #2

Did he say who it was?

GIRL

Someone cranked up the karaoke machine right at that moment so no, no names. But his impression of her asking him out, all flitty eyelashes and 'look how hot I am' is hilarious. [Rory is looking very uncomfortable now.]

GIRL #2

Oooh, intrigue. Psycho girl in the dorm. I wonder who it can be?

SOOKIE

So, now that he lives in Litchfield, what's that supposed to mean?

LORELAI

According to Luke, nothing!

SOOKIE

But what about the diner?

LORELAI

Oh, he said the diner's fine, everything's fine!

SOOKIE

And he's gonna continue working here even though he's living there?

LORELAI

Yes, apparently he'll go from being grumpy Luke to grumpy-commuter Luke.

SOOKIE

Luke plus road-rage, there's a healthy combination. Ooh! [Holding out magazine] What do you think of that sconce?

LORELAI

Oh, it's too British. I swear, that guy should work for the CIA. He gives away nothing, absolutely nothing!

SOOKIE

I have friends there.

LORELAI

What? Where?

SOOKIE

The CIA.

LORELAI

[laughs] No, you don't.

SOOKIE

Yes, I - Ah, you didn't mean the Culinary Institute of America?

LORELAI

No.

SOOKIE

Okay, then. Oh! [Holding out magazine] What about this?

LORELAI

No, too Spanish. Three weeks he's been living there! Three weeks, and not a single word, and he looked at me like I was completely insane to be upset.

SOOKIE

What about this one?

LORELAI

Too German.

SOOKIE

How can a sconce be too German?

LORELAI

It's shaped like an knockwurst.

SOOKIE

It is not. Oh, it is. Why would they do that?

LORELAI

Maybe I am insane, I mean what's the big deal right? Just because I go in there for coffee every day that doesn't make us friends.

SOOKIE

You are friends!

LORELAI

Yes, but I thought we were 'friend' friends, and apparently we're just coffee friends. I buy the coffee and he's my friend. It's like a dog and a liver treat. If you have a liver treat, the dog will like you and, that's us.

SOOKIE

Which one are you, the dog or the liver treat?

LORELAI

Well, I was the liver treat, and I thought I was a collar or at least a really cute leash and I'm not.

SOOKIE

I wanna chime in and be supportive, but I don't know what you're talking about.

LORELAI

I'm talking about nothing, nevermind.

SOOKIE

Oh. I'm coming, Cookie.

LORELAI

What's the matter, is he hungry?

SOOKIE

No, it's the bells.

LORELAI

The bells aren't ringing.

SOOKIE

No, but they're about to.

LORELAI

He's crying in anticipation of the bells?

SOOKIE

He hates them. At first he just cried when they rang, and now he knows their schedule.

LORELAI

Oh, that's terrible!

SOOKIE

Believe me, the 5:00 AM-ers are the worst.

SOOKIE

Oh, oh, I know.

LORELAI

Poor thing. [Looking to the window] Hey, Sookie. [Walking to the window] Look, it's Luke.

SOOKIE

What's he doing?

LORELAI

Hmph, he's shovelling my walk. [smiles]

SOOKIE

He's good.

LORELAI

I'll be right back.

LORELAI

Oh, you missed a spot. [Luke doesn't stop shovelling] This is really nice Luke. Hey, can we fight again 'cause I need my rain gutters cleaned.

LUKE

[Stops shovelling and walks up to the foot of the stairs.] You think everything is your business. Everything is about you! Well, here's a newsflash. Some things are not about you.

LORELAI

Why are you yelling at me?

LUKE

If I want to move in with Nicole, it concerns her and it concerns me, and that is it.

LORELAI

Yeah, I know.

LUKE

It does not concern you! It is none of your business! I don't have to tell you anything! And you do not have the right to make me feel guilty because I didn't tell you anything.

LORELAI

I wasn't trying -

LUKE

I have been tying my own shoes since I was I was four, I have repairing my own car since I was fourteen, and I have been making my own decisions since I could crawl!

LORELAI

What does any of that have to do with anything?

LUKE

I owe you nothing!

LORELAI

Fine.

LUKE

Nothing!

LORELAI

Fine!

LUKE

And shovel your walk! It is a safety hazard and you can't just walk past it and ignore the fact that the snow is up to your ass!

LORELAI

You've got my shovel!

LUKE

[Holding up the shovel] I loaned it to you three years ago!

PARIS

When you boil it down, isn't the whole Israeli-Palestinian problem a case of sibling rivalry?

FRIEDMAN

Follow up?

PARIS

The Old Testament, it's all there. Israelis are descendents of Abraham and Sarah. Arabs are descendents of Abraham and his maid Hagar. So Israelis and Arabs both have the same dad, and both want the great nation God promised Abraham. They might as well be fighting over who gets the TV remote. [Rory drops her pencil and it roll in from of William. He picks it up.]

FRIEDMAN

Your Biblical facts are correct, Paris, but your arguments disregard the complexities of the last 4000 years. I know research takes time.

PARIS

At least I don't have to worry about Cheech growing Thai stick in the rec room.

FRIEDMAN

What?

PARIS

Nothing.

FRIEDMAN

Okay. Anyone else?

WILLIAM

It's just a power struggle, nothing mysterious.

FRIEDMAN

Follow up?

WILLIAM

Who wins in this game? And in whose best interest is it to keep the kids fighting?

RORY

Right, like they're some all powerful entity, manipulating the entire population of Israel. There's a good thought process for you.

WILLIAM

Excuse me?

RORY

It's more complex than that.

WILLIAM

But if you disregard power -

RORY

That's not what I said. Maybe if you sat up straight for a minute you could hear a little more clearly.

FRIEDMAN

Decorum, people.

RORY

Israel is made up of over 6 million individuals, each with a unique view on the situation. You know something about a unique view of a situation, don't you?

WILLIAM

I guess -

RORY

Because propaganda and the spreading of blatant, heinous, ridiculous lies can cause more damage than guns or bombs or any sort of weaponry.

WILLIAM

Personally, if I'm in an alley with Osama, I'd rather he was armed with a blatant, heinous lie than an Uzi.

RORY

That's cause you're an idiot.

WILLIAM

You know, you didn't look scary when you came in here.

RORY

Oh yeah, give me back my pencil. [He throws the pencil in front of her.]

FRIEDMAN

Okay, you two. Let's take a cooling off period and hear from someone else. Sarah, your thoughts on this.

LORELAI

I'm starving.

RORY

Order a pizza.

LORELAI

No, it's snowing, they won't deliver.

RORY

Then go to Al's.

LORELAI

It's curry night!

RORY

China Charlie's sounds pretty good.

LORELAI

I hate Chinese.

RORY

Since when?

LORELAI

Since tonight!

RORY

You're acting like a four year old.

LORELAI

I don't care, I'm bored.

RORY

This is stupid, just go to Luke's.

LORELAI

No. Way.

RORY

Oh, come on, you guys always fight.

LORELAI

Not like this.

RORY

And then you make up.

LORELAI

No, I'm not going to Luke's.

RORY

You're gonna starve to death.

LORELAI

Well fine, I will starve to death, because I'm not going to reward bad behavior.

RORY

Is there something in the fridge?

LORELAI

Nothing edible.

RORY

There's Beefaroni. You like Beefaroni.

LORELAI

I'm not in the mood for Beefaroni.

RORY

Mom, you have to do something.

LORELAI

I need a suggestion.

RORY

Have you read The Bell Jar?

LORELAI

Huh! Not funny!

RORY

Okay, you know what, you're on your own.

LORELAI

No, no! Come on!

RORY

I have to study and you're in your stubborn mood.

LORELAI

Hey! I sat up with you all night when you had the chicken pox. I held your hands so that you couldn't scratch your face and scar your perfect skin. You look that way because of me.

RORY

Night, mom.

LORELAI

But, ah, the chicken pox!

RORY

Beefaroni, it's calling you!

MISS PATTY

[claping] One, and two, and three and four. Ignore the bells, they aren't the beat. The bells will screw, it all to hell.

MISS PATTY

And one, and two, and three, and four... [The bells stop.] and ... one... and two and three and four...

LORELAI

You want to help me break the bells?

LUKE

I'll get my toolbox.

LUKE

I'll just be a sec.

LORELAI

'Kay.

LUKE

Got it, let's go. [Walks to the door]

LORELAI

Right behind you.

ZACK

Hey!

LANE

Sorry, Zack, anything immobile is fair game. [To Gil] I'm so hyped.

GIL

Me too.

LANE

Did you find Blondie anywhere?

GIL

No, I think they repainted at some point.

LANE

Repainting is so not rock and roll! [As Zack walks by, she drums on his back.]

ZACK

[Turning on her] You have seriously gotta stop that.

LANE

Sue me.

GIL

[Pointing to the wall] Hey, here are The Strokes!

ZACK

Yawn. [To Brian.] Hey, you almost done, you've been tuning for a half hour.

BRIAN

[Holding a guitar.] Almost. Geez, I'm nervous.

ZACK

Yeah, you're shaking like the Pope.

BRIAN

[Handing him the guitar.] You do it for me.

ZACK

Fine.

BRIAN

So, do we get to sign the wall?

LANE

Oh, we are signing the wall! It's the whole reason to be in the band, that and the loose chicks.

GIL

[Pointing to the wall.] Here are The Strokes again!

ZACK

Yeah, they're over there too.

BRIAN

Man, they're overexposed, even on walls. [Puffs his inhaler]

DARRYL

Hey guys, uh, bad news. I'm gonna have to bump you.

LANE

[Running up.] What?

BRIAN

What does that mean?

DARRYL

Uh, it means you're bumped. You're not playing. We'll reschedule, okay?

GIL

Drag!

ZACK

I guess I can stop tuning.

LANE

No, no, don't stop tuning. I don't get this, why are we being bumped?

DARRYL

Well, there's like two people out in the audience and they're born again or something, and they're not even drinking.

LANE

Well, I'll get 'em drinking, I'm very good at working around religious mandates.

BRIAN

Older couple?

DARRYL

Yeah.

BRIAN

That's my parents. They don't drink.

LANE

We'll just play for Brian's parents, that's fine with us.

ZACK

This is unbelievable!

GIL

Look guys, it happens.

LANE

I'm sorry, we're playing tonight.

GIL

To an empty room.

LANE

Every band plays to empty rooms at some point. They can be the most classic gigs.

DARRYL

Look, I've already sent people home. The doorman, the waitresses-

LANE

You don't need them, there's no one out there.

DARRYL

The sound guy.

LANE

We don't need sound!

DARRYL

Look, it's not up to you. We'll reschedule, okay?

ZACK

[To Gil] Nice goin', dude.

BRIAN

Don't dump on Gil!

LANE

[Catching Darryl before he leaves.] Excuse me, we're not done.

DARRYL

Oh, I think we are.

LANE

No, we are not just little gnats that you can flick away. We are professionals and some of us have gone through a lot of trouble to be here tonight, a lot of trouble.

DARRYL

Well, then you have a lot of my sympathies. [He leaves] I need a cigarette.

LANE

[Screaming after him] Get cancer, Darryl!

GIL

Wow, Lane! Come on, you gotta roll with the punches.

LANE

No, we have to play tonight.

GIL

We can't!

LANE

[Sees the guys packing up their stuff] What are you doing?

BRIAN

Packing up?

LANE

Just because Darryl said to?

BRIAN

He's the booker.

LANE

No, he's the man, and rock and roll is about saying no to the man!

ZACK

This is a lot of trouble for nothing!

LANE

Guys!

GIL

I said I'm sorry!

BRIAN

It's not Gil's fault!

ZACK

Then whose is it?

GIL

Look, you gotta roll with the punches too, Zack.

ZACK

[To Brian] You just stepped on my guitar!

BRIAN

I didn't see it.

ZACK

What are you blind?

BRIAN

Pretty much.

GIL

Dude, get it together.

ZACK

I cannot believe that your parents don't drink.

LORELAI

[Gasp] What, they lock the door to a church, are they serious? What if I need to do something holy?

LUKE

Like commit vandalism?

LORELAI

Even she's sick of hearing the damn bells.

LUKE

I'm gonna have to break the lock

LORELAI

No wait. [Gets out her wallet]

LUKE

What are you doing?

LORELAI

All those years of watching Hart to Hart are about to pay off.

LUKE

What is that?

LORELAI

It's my gym card.

LUKE

You joined a gym?

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

When?

LORELAI

After I had Rory, to lose the pregnancy weight.

LUKE

Did you go?

LORELAI

God, no. I was way too fat. [Manages to unlock the door with the card] Ah, praise be to Him and all the little lambs that frolic the earth with their frankincense and myrrh and -

LUKE

Would you get inside?

LORELAI

Okay.

LORELAI

Oy! Would it kill God to dust?

LUKE

Okay, now just hold the flashlight, do not do any moving spotlight gags and point it at me and yell "Freeze, drop your weapons."

LORELAI

[laughs] How about if I shine it on the wall and do a dirty hand puppet show?

LUKE

Just stand back so the lightning only strikes you.

LORELAI

So, what's the game plan here? Personally, I thought we could whack the bells really hard with a hammer.

LUKE

Uh, you don't break bells with a hammer.

LORELAI

Okay, I'm out. What's your plan, Clyde?

LUKE

Well, I was thinking we could just jam the turnbuckle, or wedge the main mechanism, just for fun disconnect a few of the clappers; Contrary to popular belief you don't have to break every bell. If you just damage a couple, say the tierce and the prime, you pretty much ruin the set.

LORELAI

You must have been the top of your class at hunchback school.

LUKE

Well, let's just say you can wait your whole life waiting for bells to fall into disrepair. Sometimes they need a push.

LORELAI

No way! You broke the bells.

LUKE

You're welcome. It's a little narrow up there, so we should just take the tools that we need, leave the toolbox down here.

LORELAI

God, these things are heavy. Don't you have a smaller toolbox?

LUKE

No, why would I have two toolboxes?

LORELAI

'Cause then you'd have a big one and a small one.

LUKE

Well, if you have a big one you don't need a small one. [Lorelai opens her mouth to speak] Don't say 'dirty', it's too easy. Hold these. [Gives her tools]

LORELAI

So, um, why wasn't your toolbox at your new place?

LUKE

I needed it here.

LORELAI

Huh. Usually moving requires lots of tools; hanging things, putting things together.

LUKE

Nicole hired a professional picture-hanger and we didn't have anything to put together. Hand me a screwdriver.

LORELAI

Phillips or flathead? [Luke looks at her in surprise] I know things.

LUKE

Phillips. [She hands it to him and Luke smiles.]

LORELAI

Luke, how come you told me you moved?

LUKE

I did move.

LORELAI

Well, you may have moved, but none of your stuff did.

LUKE

What are you talking about? Uh, hand me the open-ended wrench.

LORELAI

Luke, I was in your apartment. It's exactly the same.

LUKE

No, it's not.

LORELAI

I just think it's weird you're pretending you moved when you didn't.

LUKE

[Stopping working] I did move.

LORELAI

Luke, your bed wasn't even made.

LUKE

So?

LORELAI

There were dishes in the sink, some kind of shake in the blender, Mega-Man protein powder on the counter. Remind me to mock you for that later, by the way.

LUKE

Can we talk about something else? Or better yet, let's not talk and just get this done.

LORELAI

Does Nicole think you moved?

LUKE

Of course she thinks I moved, I did move.

LORELAI

Do you sleep there?

LUKE

Of course I sleep there.

LORELAI

When was the last time you slept there?

LUKE

I live there.

LORELAI

So, last night?

LUKE

I had an early delivery and it didn't make sense to sleep there.

LORELAI

The day before?

LUKE

I was there for dinner.

LORELAI

And after dinner?

LUKE

Nicole was getting a sore throat so it made sense to go back to my place and not get sick.

LORELAI

Your place?

LUKE

My old place.

LORELAI

You didn't say your old place, you said your place.

LUKE

Well, I meant my old place.

LORELAI

Luke, you don't live with Nicole.

LUKE

Yes, I do.

LORELAI

You watch her TV, you eat her food, you keep stuff in a duffel bag at her house; you're a rude guest, not her boyfriend!

LUKE

Husband.

LORELAI

Whole other discussion.

LUKE

You know what, you're doing it again.

LORELAI

Doing what again?

LUKE

You're passing judgment on my relationship with Nicole.

LORELAI

I'm not passing judgment.

LUKE

You passed judgment on our marriage, you passed judgment on our divorce and now you're passing judgment on our living together.

LORELAI

I'm not passing judgment on you living together. You're passing judgment on you living together... by not living together.

LUKE

You know, I was a little tipsy on that cruise ship, but I don't remember anyone pronouncing us husband and wife and Lorelai.

LORELAI

Well, they may as well have, because I spend as much time with Nicole as you do.

LUKE

And the judgment's back!

LORELAI

I could move in with you guys. You wouldn't know.

LUKE

You know, none of this is any of your business.

LORELAI

It's absolutely my business.

LUKE

How?

LORELAI

Because! I wasted a week of my life adjusting to the idea that you had moved only to find out that you haven't moved.

LUKE

How much adjusting did you have to do? Nothing's changed! I still see you everyday, I still cook your food, I still serve your coffee. What do you care?

LORELAI

I care.

LUKE

Why?

LORELAI

Because I don't want you to move.

LUKE

Why? Why don't you want me to move?

REVEREND

Lorelai? Luke? [Sees the tools.] Oh, thank God! Carry on.

RORY

Paris! It's 4:00 in the morning! [She opens the door and finds Lane standing there.]

LANE

Hi.

RORY

What are you doing here?

LANE

Well, funny you should ask, because I didn't know what to do and you always seem to know what to do, so I thought I'd drop by and ask you what to do.

RORY

About what?

LANE

I didn't come up with one.

RORY

One what?

LANE

One alibi.

RORY

What?

LANE

I couldn't think of anything! [She sits down]

RORY

Lane!

LANE

I swear, I tried, but nothing I came up with sounded like she would believe it so I just left.

RORY

What do you mean you just left?

LANE

I mean I waited until she went to bed, which was about 9:15, and then I left.

RORY

You didn't leave a note?

LANE

No.

RORY

You didn't call?

LANE

I don't even think I locked the door behind me.

RORY

Lane, this is bad.

LANE

I know, but I couldn't miss the gig, Rory. I mean it was CBGB's! I had to go and she wouldn't let me go. [Rory gets up and goes into her room.] Where are you going?

RORY

You have to call your mom.

LANE

No way.

RORY

[Handing her the phone.] Lane, she could be freaking out right now.

LANE

I can't tell her. I can't call her.

RORY

Well, what are you gonna do, just never go home again?

LANE

You say that like it's a bad thing.

RORY

It is a bad thing, a really bad thing!

LANE

I can't talk to her.

RORY

Fine. [Rory dials a number.] Who are you calling?

LORELAI

I hate you.

RORY

Mom, are you awake?

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Could you be awake?

LORELAI

What's the matter?

RORY

Lane's here.

LORELAI

What? Why?

RORY

She snuck out of her house tonight, and she's scared to go home.

LORELAI

She snuck out?

RORY

She had something to do with the band.

LORELAI

Urgh! She snuck out!

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Bye.

RORY

What are you doing?

LORELAI

I'm calling Mrs. Kim.

RORY

Mom, no.

LORELAI

Rory, if I woke up and you weren't there, I would have a friggin' heart attack. Now keep Lane there and tell her I am pissed as hell at her. Goodbye. [Hangs up. She dials a new number.]

MRS. KIM

Hello?

LORELAI

Hello, Mrs. Kim, it's Lorelai Gilmore. I am so sorry to be calling so late and, um, I don't know if you know this or not, but Lane isn't there.

MRS. KIM

[She's at home. There are firemen and a group of people praying in a circle with candles behind her.] Where is she?

LORELAI

Well, she went out tonight, and I think she was just scared to tell you about it, but she is fine. She's with Rory at Yale and they're safe and they promise to stay put.

MRS. KIM

Give me the address!

LORELAI

198 Elm Street, Durfee Hall, suite five. Do you need directions?

MRS. KIM

I have a navigational system.

LORELAI

Okay, well, call me if you need anything. [Mrs. Kim hangs up.]

MRS. KIM

Luke!

LUKE

Hey, Mrs. Kim. You're up early.

MRS. KIM

I just want to tell you that Lane will not be coming to work today.

LUKE

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know.

MRS. KIM

You know?

LUKE

Yeah, she called.

MRS. KIM

She called?

LUKE

Twice. She left a message last night and she called again a minute ago just to make sure I got it. I tell you, that is one responsible kid.

MRS. KIM

She called you?

LUKE

Twice.

MRS. KIM

She called you, she called Lorelai.

LUKE

Is everything okay?

MRS. KIM

Everything's fine. I'm going home.

LUKE

Okay.

LANE

Let's not stray too far from the coffee cart. I can barely feel my feet this morning.

RORY

The floor wasn't too comfortable, huh?

LANE

No, tit was fine until Paris came home and stepped on my face. The stepping on my face wasn't too comfortable.

RORY

Well, at least Paris doesn't tend to wear heels.

LANE

Where was she so late?

RORY

I don't know, Paris's business is Paris's business.

LANE

I wish I lived in a dorm.

RORY

Hey, have you called your mother yet?

LANE

Nope.

RORY

Oh good, because the longer you wait, the easier it's going to be.

LANE

I still can't believe she didn't just show up in the middle of the night, kick down the door, douse the place with holy water.

RORY

Maybe she wanted a chance to cool off.

LANE

No, that's your mother. My mother's the kicker and the douser. No, Mrs. Kim is sending a message.

RORY

What message is that?

LANE

The message is, "You messed up, kid, and now you get to sit there and panic about what's gonna happen next, and while you're panicking thinking about what's gonna happen next, you get to find your own way home, cause the Mrs. Kim shuttle van service is closed for business."

RORY

So, it's a wordy message.

LANE

Everything's so screwed up: my life, everything I'm doing.

RORY

It's not that bad.

LANE

It is that bad. I mean, look at this. Look at where you are, look at what you have. [Losing her voice.] I'm so jealous you have a life.

RORY

You have a life too.

LANE

Yeah, just not a very good one.

RORY

Lane, come on. You're healthy, you have a band and a boyfriend, and so what if school is boring? You won't be in school forever. You have a good life.

LANE

I'm weak. I have no spine.

RORY

[Gently] If you had no spine you'd be walking funny.

LANE

I wanna thank you for letting me crash here last night.

RORY

Of course, any time.

LANE

I gotta get going.

RORY

Well, hey. Do you want to wait till this afternoon? I can give you a ride home when I'm done with classes.

LANE

Now. I have to get home. I have to take care of this.

RORY

Okay, come on.

LANE

Where are we going?

RORY

Well, I can't send you home to Mrs. Kim without a purse full of mini donuts.

LANE

You know, I believe that's how Mother Theresa got started.

RORY

Really, I heard it was Pixie Stix.

WILLIAM

Hey, it's Madeleine Albright.

RORY

You know what? I do not appreciate you calling me that. In fact, I don't appreciate you talking to me, or about me at all.

WILLIAM

Fine.

RORY

I know you've been telling the story.

WILLIAM

What story?

RORY

The laundry room story. Remember the laundry room?

WILLIAM

Machines, rinse cycle -

RORY

I asked you to get coffee, that's it. I did not ask you to get married, or say that I loved you, or ask to have your children. And I'm not stalking you! It was a complete coincidence that I happened to go into a meeting that you happened to be in. I had no idea you were there. And it's hard to ask someone out and it puts you in an incredibly vulnerable position! So, it's cruel to use that incident as a funny cocktail story. So from now on, I would appreciate it if you would refrain from telling the hilarious laundry room incident to anyone, anywhere, ever again. [She picks up her coat and begins to walk off.]

WILLIAM

I wasn't talking about you.

RORY

What?

WILLIAM

There was this girl from the third floor, she asked me out like a 100 times. She followed me to class. She baked me a cake every day for a month, then she snuck in my window and hid in my closet, covered in whipped cream.

RORY

Oh, well - that is a little ... extreme.

WILLIAM

I didn't tell anybody about the laundry room.

RORY

Well, good. [She turns to leave, but turns back.] Um, do you think that you could maybe not tell anyone this story also, 'cause, that would be great. Thanks. [She leaves.]

MRS. KIM

Is this all?

LANE

That's all. [Pause] I'm sorry.

MRS. KIM

About what?

LANE

I'm sorry about last night. I don't want to keep secrets from you.

MRS. KIM

[Gesturing to the room.] You don't?

LANE

My band had this amazing chance to play this really famous club last night and I didn't know how to tell you about it. I knew you wouldn't approve, you wouldn't approve of me being in the band or the music we were playing and I can't even imagine what you would have said if I had asked you to let me stay out 'til four in the morning.

MRS. KIM

I would have said no.

LANE

Well, then I guess I could have imagined it after all.

MRS. KIM

How long?

LANE

How long what?

MRS. KIM

How long ... this.

LANE

I started it when I was six, the day you told me the Cookie Monster was one of the seven deadly sins.

MRS. KIM

Gluttony.

LANE

Yes, gluttony.

MRS. KIM

So, I made you do this?

LANE

No, I just - I want to please you so badly, but I can't. I mean, look at you, look at what happened last night. It's not good. I don't want anything like this to ever happen again. I've been thinking a lot about this, our situation, and I think I figured out a way to make everything better.

MRS. KIM

You have?

LANE

I don't want to go to Seventh Day Adventist College anymore. I want to be able to play with my band. I want to be a drummer. [smiling] I will happily go to community college, and I will happily live at home and adhere to your curfew, except on the nights when the band plays or practices. This way, I can get what I want and I won't be lying to you or sneaking around. This way we can both be happy.

MRS. KIM

Children do not make the rules. You may ... move out and live like that somewhere else. [She leaves Lane in her room.]

LORELAI

Well, I think you handled that very well.

RORY

I was so humiliated.

LORELAI

You didn't know.

RORY

How self-centered am I that I just assumed that he was talking about me?

LORELAI

Well, I would have assumed the same thing, so, incredibly self-centered.

RORY

All I know is I can't show my face in International Relations Club again, or the laundry room, or the dining room, or anywhere.

LORELAI

Well hey, if that nut job who jumped out of his closet Reddi-Whipped is still hanging around, I think you're fine.

RORY

Hey, it's 4:00.

LORELAI

So?

RORY

Where are the bells?

LORELAI

They, uh, stopped.

RORY

What happened?

LORELAI

I don't know, they just haven't been working all day.

RORY

Oh. Too bad.

LORELAI

Yeah, ain't it though.

RORY

Someone's at the door. Call me tomorrow.

LORELAI

[Half-heartedly] You bet.

RORY

You okay?

LORELAI

Yeah, why?

RORY

You just sound a little distracted.

LORELAI

Do I? No, I'm good, I just didn't get much sleep last night, that's all.

RORY

Okay, see you later.

LORELAI

Bye.

LANE

Hi.

RORY

What are you doing here?

LANE

Well, funny you should ask. [Lane rolls her suitcase in the door.]