T4E12: “A Family Matter”

LORELAI

Unbelievable. [she pulls her cell phone from her pocket and hits speed dial]

RORY

Hello?

LORELAI

There are no empty tables at Luke's.

RORY'S VOICE

And I can do what about that?

LORELAI

Well, I was hoping you'd develop mind control powers since I last saw you and you could will people to leave.

RORY

No. If I could do that, I'd be using it to play the ponies or something. Your table would be low on the list.

LORELAI

Selfish! [she looks around and sees Kirk alone at a table] Ooh, hold on a sec. [approaches Kirk] Kirk, may I?

KIRK

May you what?

LORELAI

Sit with you?

KIRK

Here?

LORELAI

Yes.

KIRK

I have a girlfriend.

LORELAI

I'm not flirting with you Kirk.

KIRK

Oh. Then, have a seat.

LORELAI

Thanks. [she gazes warmly at him and says breathlessly.] I love that shirt.

KIRK

It's an Arnold Palmer.

LORELAI

That was flirting.

KIRK

Oh, man. [looks uncomfortably around]

LORELAI

[returns to her cell phone call with Rory now ignoring Kirk] I'm back. So, what's going on with Lane?

RORY

She's here. She's fine. She's uh, still a little bit in denial. She hasn't talked to her mom since the kick-out.

LORELAI

Poor Mrs. Kim.

RORY

Poor Mrs. Kim? She kicked Lane out, I'm mad at her.

LORELAI

Why? She must be very lonely without Lane.

RORY

Well, Lane's getting along pretty well here. She kind of fallen into a - rhythm. [Lane rushes into the bedroom with travel tray of coffee] Hey.

LANE

Hey, Take. [she offers coffee tray to Rory]

RORY

Thanks you. Hey, you're out of breath.

LANE

There were incredibly slow people in the coffee line, and I promised to wake Paris. [hurries over to Paris' bed] Up and at 'em!

PARIS

Die.

LANE

I got you a triple espresso that I'm going to put here right out of reach, so sleepyhead has to get up to get it.

PARIS

Die twice.

LORELAI

Was she at the professor's again last night?

RORY

Yes, but she claims she was up all night cramming.

LORELAI'S VOICE

Well, she was.

RORY

Oh, ick!

PARIS

[eavesdropping] Ick what? Are you talking about me? Who is that?

RORY

It's my mom. We're not talking about you. You're so paranoid.

LORELAI

Uh, hold on a sec. Luke's here.

LUKE

[grumpy] I swear, it feels like these stupid Firelight Festivals happen every week.

LORELAI

And a happy, happy to you too.

LUKE

Order please.

LORELAI

Coffee and whatever muffin you have.

LUKE

Comin' up. You two an item now?

KIRK

[indignant] I have a girlfriend.

LUKE

Double dipping, you dog. [walks away]

RORY

[loads her book bag while talking] You never told me why you're up so early.

LORELAI

Well, I've got a quick meeting at the Dragonfly, and then Jason is coming here for the day.

RORY

[disbelief] Jason?

LORELAI

He's taking the morning off, so I'm taking him shopping for new furniture for his office.

RORY

Sounds fun.

LORELAI

Yeah. He's never really seen Stars Hollow, so I uh - [quickly hushes as Luke returns to table to fill her coffee cup]

RORY

[she finishes Lorelai's sentence]...get to - show him around, right?

LORELAI

Hm. Um-hm.

LUKE

Did I interrupt something?

LORELAI

No.

LUKE

Would my reminding you of the cell phone policy affect your behavior in anyway?

LORELAI

It's Rory.

LUKE

[he leans closer to the phone] Hello Rory! [to Kirk] How does it feel to be a step-dad?

KIRK

[scolding] Knock it off. [Luke walks away]

RORY'S VOICE

Gooood thinking.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Clamming up. He's always had a problem with your guys. Best to ease into it.

LORELAI

Oh. No, no that's not why I stopped talking.

PARIS

Whoo, whoo! Good Morning Vietnam!

LORELAI

What was that?

RORY'S VOICE

Paris. She likes to do this thing in the morning with the triple espresso. It's like Jack Nicholson in Easy Rider.

PARIS

[leaps to her feet] Jumping Cattle Hockey!

RORY

Hey Paris, can you take this somewhere else, please?

LORELAI

Ahh, wait, wait, wait. We got a little something else goin' on here -- [An oddly dressed woman stands at the counter talking animatedly]

RORY

What's going on?

LORELAI

A kinda odd rock-and-roll, hippy-chick came in, she's deep in conversation with Luke, who is not looking too happy --

RORY'S VOICE

What are they saying?

LORELAI

Uh, they are rudely out of range. [to Kirk in a sweet voice] Hey hun, hun? Try to move in so you can hear 'em. Go.[motioning him to move closer to Luke]

KIRK

[With a nervous chuckle he says to anyone in earshot] She's joking. We're just friends, ha-ha.

RORY

A mystery woman!

LORELAI

Maybe she has something to do with his apartment? I mean he might be leasing out whichever one he's not using, or it's about his divorce with Nicole or the lack of one if the divorce is definitely off.

RORY

Or maybe she's a friend of Nicole's or another attorney if it's not definitely off.

LORELAI

Wait, Luke is the most complicated guy I know who also owns a Doobie Brothers record.

PARIS

[off camera] Sweet Mamma Jamma!

LANE

Oh! I've gotta wake Tanna. [rushes off]

LORELAI

Wait, wait... denoument! [whispers into her phone] He sent her upstairs!

RORY

Weird!

LORELAI

So what do you think? An early morning tryst with the county dominatrix?

RORY

[she takes a sip of her coffee] Hmm, does she have a bag?

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Then where would all her dominatrix stuff be?

LORELAI

Oh, maybe they're using all the stuff he keeps on hand?

RORY

Fishing pole?

LORELAI

Nolan Ryan's rookie card?

RORY

Mystery!

LORELAI

Mystery!

RORY

Go ask him!

PARIS

[off camera] Who's yer daddy!

LORELAI

[disappointed] He's in back.

RORY

So go back there and ask him! I have to know what's going on.

LORELAI

Okay. [loud crashing noise comes from the storeroom]

LUKE

[off camera] Aww, crap, crap crap!

LORELAI

Oh, maybe later, I don't think now is such a good time. I'll talk to you later.

RORY

Later.

KIRK

[looks away immediately] I have a girlfriend!

LANE

Okay, open your eyes.

TANNA

[holding up a hand mirror) Wow! I'm stunning.

LANE

Your stylist concurs.

RORY

Wow, so organized out here.

LANE

I tidied up a little. Excess stuff went into the cabinet.

PARIS

[enters] Impressive.

RORY

I'll get it. [exits]

TANNA

[to Paris] How good do I look?

PARIS

Would a comedic reply crush you?

TANNA

[pause] Probably.

PARIS

Terrif.

RORY

[from bedroom] Where's the phone?

PARIS

Buried somewhere.

LANE

[proudly] Tanna's gonna knock boys out today.

PARIS

With what? Sheer peculiarity?

TANNA

I am hoping that one boy notices. Chester Fleet.

LANE

Chester Fleet?

TANNA

His father was instrumental in conducting research showing that neurons in the brain fire actively during REM sleep - with the exception of nerve cells involved with the transmitter chemicals serotonin and norepinephrine.

PARIS

I'd forgot the first part of that sentence by the time you finished, but I say jump him.

TANNA

[uncomfortable] Thanks Lane. See ya later. [she leaves]

RORY

[enters from the bedroom] Finally. [answers the phone] Hello?

JAMIE

Hi Rory, its Jamie. How you doin'?

RORY

Good Jamie. It's been a while. How's the second best school in the country?

JAMIE

Princeton's fine. Hard, not as easy as slacker schools like Yale.

RORY

I'm assuming you're looking for Paris?

JAMIE

Yeah. I'm actually in town for a couple of days, so I'll probably see you at some point.

RORY

Great. Here she is. [she hands the phone to Paris and prepares to exit.]

PARIS

[briskly]Hey, I was just stepping out the door, what's up? [pause] Fine. [pause] Your hotel room's good? [pause] Good. [pause] Well, probably not tonight, unfortunately. Things are really bad on my end. [pause] I know, I'm so sorry but tonight was tentative, remember? Tonight wasn't set in stone. [pause] Well, I'm - dead tired, I have tons of studying to do and we have a little drama going on here at the suite. Rory's small town friend, Lane, is crashing in with us. She got kicked out of her house, and she's in pretty bad shape. She's pretty heavy into the drugs, totally Nancy Spungening it, chasing the dragon, and I kind of have to be here for support. The chick's bouncing off the walls. [pause] Yeah. Tomorrow, sure, absolutely. [pause] Tonight was tentative, Jamie, I'm sure I told you to pencil it in. Pencil. Okay, bye. [Paris clicks off the phone while both Lane and Rory are frowning at her]

PARIS

What?

RORY

Nothing.

PARIS

I had to say something like that. He doesn't always respond to the fact that I have to study, which I do, you know that.

RORY

Oh, sure.

PARIS

And I'm seeing him tomorrow anyway.

LANE

What's "chasing the dragon?"

PARIS

I've gotta go [walks off with Lane pursuing]

LANE

But I don't think you should be saying that. [far away] it might get around and I don't...

LUKE

Hey, take it easy! [Luke eventually pulls over to curb, and the flashy car roars past. Luke exits his truck.] Jerk!

JASON

Gentleman, gentlemen. There is no way to one hundred percent avoid liability for on-site accidents at any of your plants. It is unfortunate, but international accords preclude it. Uh, can you please translate Mr. Watanabi?

MR. WATANABI VOICE

Okay - [continues in Japanese]

JASON

[whispering] I'm sorry.

LORELAI

What happed to taking the morning off?

JASON

I have the morning off. Japan does not have the morning off. Here. [pats the seat next to him] Care to join me?

LORELAI

With all those Japanese business men in the car? Kinky.

MR. WATANABI VOICE

Kinky? I'm sorry, what is kinky?

JASON

Uh, y-you don't have to translate that, Mr. Watanabi. Where are we?

MR. WATANABI VOICE

They must confer.

JASON

[under his breath] Oh, they really dig conferring. [normal tone] Please tell them that I will call them again tomorrow. Minna-san domo arigato. Gozaimasu.

MR. MIDI VOICE

[responds politely in Japanese and disconnects transmission]

JASON

Here come on, get in here. It's cold out side.

LORELAI

I thought we'd take my Jeep. It holds more stuff.

JASON

That's good thinking. [he gets out of the black Mercedes and gives Lorelai and brief but warm kiss] Hello.

LORELAI

Hello.

JASON

So, where are we off today?

LORELAI

Well, I've got a fabulous little list here. [she pats her purse] Lots of places in neighboring Woodbury and we'll have to get a newspaper.

JASON

For --

LORELAI

-- finding dead people.

JASON

Ah, estate sales, got it.

LORELAI

Then we can come back, hit a few places here and then grab some lunch.

JASON

Do we have time for coffee now? I haven't had any for hours.

LORELAI

For hours? When did you get up?

JASON

Five.

LORELAI

Wow, they have one of those in the morning too?

JASON

You know how Asia is not taking the morning off? Neither is Europe.

LORELAI

Well, coffee, it is then.

JASON

How about you taking me to that place you're always talking about. What is it, um - Duke's.

LORELAI

[chuckles] Duke's. Sure. Or, uh, we could go some place else.

JASON

Why? Why not Duke's?

LORELAI

It's not so special.

JASON

You go there daily.

LORELAI

Yeah, but I think Duke's is closed... and it's Luke's.

JASON

Closed at eight in the morning on a Friday?

LORELAI

Yeah. Sabbath.

JASON

Duke's a Jew.

LORELAI

No, Luke's a Jew.

JASON

Sabbath's not 'til sundown.

LORELAI

Well, he likes to get an early jump on his - Sabbathing.

JASON

I bet he's open.

LORELAI

Okay, but we run the risk of going and then discovering it's closed.

JASON

Well, I say live dangerously or not at all.

LORELAI

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. All the other coffee in town sucks. Let's just go to Duke's - which is Luke's.

JASON

Which is Luke's?

LORELAI

[grinning] Dukes.

JASON

What? [Lorelai giggles]

JASON

No, no Rietgaard, those documents were Fed-Ex'd to you on Wednesday. Uh, the dok-umen-ten were Fed-Ex'd, on - aw, shoot, on... Monday is maandag, Tuesday is dinsdag... [to Lorelai] How's your Dutch?

LORELAI

Oh great. I just don't like to share it.

JASON

I'll just have the office fax it all over to you today. It's okay.

LORELAI

Hey, is he ice-skating under a windmill, that's the picture I have in my head.

JASON

Okay, Rietgaard, good bye. Bye. [closes cell phone and sighs] I am exhausted.

LORELAI

Aww, and on your morning off!

JASON

Yeah, I stink at taking mornings off.

LORELAI

Well, here we are. [she pulls up in front of Luke's diner and turns off Jeep]

JASON

Ahh, wait.[A pause as he recognizes Luke's green truck across the street]

LORELAI

No more calls.

JASON

Whose truck is that? [pointing] Duke's?

LORELAI

Yeah, Luke's.

JASON

Are they different people?

LORELAI

Same person.

JASON

And that's his truck.

LORELAI

Yes, it's practically an appendage.

JASON

[Indicating the familiar diner owner through the window] Sooooo, that would be Luke.

LORELAI

Boy, you sure like to do a lot of research before getting a cup of coffee. That's the doorknob. It twists to the right. C'mon. [starts to remove safety belt]

JASON

Ahhh -

LORELAI

What is with you?

JASON

Yeah, I'm not in the mood for coffee anymore.

LORELAI

[gasps at the obvious lie] You were jonesing not 5 minutes ago.

JASON

No, it's passed. My 5 a.m. coffee just kicked in again.

LORELAI

You drink time-released coffee?

JASON

[shrugs] It's all the rage.

LORELAI

Okay. Well, I want coffee. [pulls off safety belt and prepares to get out]

JASON

Okay, I'll wait for you here.

LORELAI

What is with you?

JASON

[Pause] I-I was kind of tailgating Duke on the drive in.

LORELAI

You were tailgating Luke?

JASON

Pretty rudely. There was honking.

LORELAI

Aw, geez.

JASON

Well, I didn't know it was Duke.

LORELAI

How fast was he going?

JASON

Snail's speed. Like twenty.

LORELAI

The speed limit here is twelve!

JASON

Okay See this is one of the problems I have with small towns - proximity. [During Jason's rant, Luke looks out the window, recognizes Lorelai's jeep out front. Looking closer he sees a man sitting next to her] You tailgate a guy in Manhattan and you never see him again, you tailgate a guy in a small town, he is the keeper of the coffee. [He looks over at the diner window]. And he is looking at us!

LORELAI

Who Luke?

JASON

Is that his name?

LORELAI

YES! [she peers past Jason to see Luke]

JASON

Okay, don't look at him! Don't look at him!

LORELAI

This is ridiculous!

JASON

Okay go, go, go! [motions for her to drive away]

LORELAI

Where?!

JASON

Anywhere - else - for coffee, please.

LORELAI

Okay. [starts up the engine and drives 5 feet and stops]

JASON

Why are we stopping?

LORELAI

Um, the next best place for coffee is at this place. [pointing to the next building]

JASON

Okay Please find us coffee at least fifty yards away from Duke's.

LORELAI

[mocking] Oh, oh okay finding coffee fifty yards from Luke's is another matter. [they drive away]

JAMIE

Hey Rory.

RORY

Oh, Jamie, hi.

JAMIE

Sorry to pounce on you like that.

RORY

That's okay, you're not pouncing. Wanna sit? [she sets her lunch tray on table]

JAMIE

Thanks. [they both sit] Listen, do you - ?

RORY

Do I what?

JAMIE

Look, I need to find out what's up with Paris, and I don't know who else to ask.

RORY

Oh.

JAMIE

I mean, I had to rearrange a million things to come here, and I could only manage two days and she won't see me.

RORY

Well, you're going to see her tomorrow, aren't you?

JAMIE

If she doesn't cancel.

RORY

She's not going to cancel. [Jamie gives her a doubtful look] She wouldn't.

JAMIE

Well, she's been canceling plans for weeks. She's not calling me as much - I know, I sound pathetic.

RORY

No you don't, and Paris has been so busy. You've been a freshman in college, you know what that entails.

JAMIE

Yeah. [unconvinced]

RORY

Plus, I heard her telling you about my friend, Lane. She's been living in our suite and it's been really unfair to all my roommates.

JAMIE

What is "chasing the dragon?"

RORY

I don't know, but that's what Lane says she's been doing. She's in cold turkey now - going it, I mean - cold turkey and -- um -- Paris has been really great helping out.

JAMIE

Has she been seeing someone else?

RORY

[shrugs] Not that I know of.

JAMIE

[smiles and rises to go] I'll let you go. Thanks, this actually helped.

RORY

Good. It will get better, Jamie. I really think that.

JAMIE

Good. [backs away] It's my birthday.

RORY

Oh wow, happy birthday.

JAMIE

Thanks. [Jamie turns and leaves. Rory watches him walk away]

LUKE

[He hands change to the customer who leaves] Thanks. [walks to the opposite end of the counter and rests his head on the cool surface. The mystery woman enters the diner from the back stairs.]

WOMAN

Hey!

LUKE

[startled] Oh yeah.

WOMAN

You forget about me?

LUKE

No, I'm just real, real busy, that's all.

WOMAN

[looks around] Looks like a lull to me.

LUKE

No, it can be deceptive. Hey, Kirk, you want another piece of pie?

KIRK

No, I'm fine. And this is the commencement of your classic mid-morning lull. People off to work, kids off to school. You may not have another soul in here for half an hour. It gets peaceful, quiet - kind of like a sweet death.

WOMAN

[murmurs] He's trippy.

LUKE

Kirk, are you sure you don't want anything else?

KIRK

A spider monkey, but there is probably nothing you can do about it.

WOMAN

Cool. C'mon. [disappears behind the drape to go back upstairs]

LUKE

Coming sis. [slowly follows her]

LUKE

[He enters, closes the door and looks around] Liz? Liz?

LIZ

[her call is muffled and off camera] I'm in the closet. Oh my God. It's still here.

LUKE

What's still there?

LIZ

My pot.

LUKE

Your what?

LIZ

I used to stash it in a hole back behind Daddy's files cause it was the one place he wouldn't look. Isn't that wild? It's still here.

LUKE

[snatches it from her] Will you give me that.

LIZ

Relax, will ya. I don't do that any more. [Luke stuffs it in a kitchen drawer] What are you doing?

LUKE

I'm putting it away.

LIZ

Throw it in the trash.

LUKE

So the garbage man can see it?

LIZ

Isn't Hayward Donnelly still the garbage man?

LUKE

Yes.

LIZ

Well hell, he sold it to me.

LUKE

I'll get rid of it, okay Liz?

LIZ

Okay, Luke. [she smiles at him] Boy, you look good. What about me, don't I look good?

LUKE

[looks uncomfortable] You look fine.

LIZ

I do not look fine, I look good. I am good. I am really good, Luke.

LUKE

Well, I'm glad.

LIZ

[indicates the table] I made us some coffee.

LUKE

I don't drink coffee.

LIZ

[urges him to sit] Well, sit down and watch me drink it then. Come on, just for a minute. [Luke sits down with Liz and silently watches her pour coffee] Look at us - catching up, and all. I haven't seen you in two years.

LUKE

Three years.

LIZ

Three years, wow.

LUKE

Liz, I gotta know why you're here.

LIZ

To see you, I've missed you.

LUKE

C'mon.

LIZ

I did, plus it's my twentieth high school reunion this Saturday, I thought I'd maybe come back and I'd check out what the rest of the class of 84's up to.

LUKE

You're going to your high school reunion?

LIZ

I even sent in a picture for the program. Wrote a little thing about myself, about how things are going good, I've got a great job, I've just moved into a really cool apartment with a big patio so I can finally get a dog. Plus, I have got -

LUKE

Wait, wait, wait - let me guess. A new, a new boyfriend!

LIZ

Yes!

LUKE

And this one - Oh, let me guess - is different from the others.

LIZ

Yes, he is.

LUKE

I dare say, that he might even be the one!

LIZ

Well, yeah!

LUKE

[he stands and opens the refrigerator] C'mon, Liz.

LIZ

You should meet him.

LUKE

Well you know what? As long as, unlike the others, he leaves your TV when he takes off, I'll love him.

LIZ

Okay, fine. You have good reason to think, to doubt -

LUKE

Good reasons? Liz, every time you find the one you wind up with your bank account cleaned out, your stuff missing, crying on the phone to me to bail you out, which I do happily, but you'll understand if I hold off on planning for the bachelor party for a while. [pours orange juice and takes a drink from his glass]

LIZ

Sure. Well - anyway - let's talk about something else.

LUKE

Yes. Let's talk about something else. You said you had a new job.

LIZ

Yes, I do. I do. I'm making my own jewelry: beaded necklaces and earrings, some crystal, getting into feathers now.

LUKE

Feathers?

LIZ

I'm really good, very big on the renaissance fair circuit.

LUKE

What's that?

LIZ

That's where I sell them, the renaissance fair circuit. It's a total trip. I wear the long skirt, I have a hat and one of those corsets that squishes my boobs all up high. And I yell "Huzza for the tipper!"

LUKE

And that's your great new job? You sell earrings at the renaissance fair?

LIZ

I know it sounds flaky -

LUKE

Oh no, what - huzzah for the tipper with your squished up boobs, not flaky at all. Look, I have to go back to work.

LIZ

Luke, come on.

LUKE

What come on, Liz? I mean, you're selling earrings in a booth and you're hooked up with another winner.

LIZ

You don't even know him.

LUKE

What about your son, huh? What about Jess, you talk to him lately? You notice he's not even here?

LIZ

Yeah, he sent me a letter. He's with his father.

LUKE

That's it? That's the extent of the contact?

LIZ

He's nineteen, you can't tell him anything.

LUKE

Well, you definitely can't if you don't try.

LIZ

I tried.

LUKE

No, I tried, you gave up.

LIZ

I thought you'd be better for him that I was.

LUKE

Oh yeah, I was great for him. I gave him a place to crash while he lied to me about everything, about going to school, about Wal-Mart - you know I stole his car?

LIZ

You what?

LUKE

In the middle of the night. I break into his car. I'm stealing it and hiding it in Dad's old garage.

LIZ

[chuckling] Why?

LUKE

Why? Because I'm crazy. Because I think now he'll have to go to school, now he'll have to graduate, now - [sigh] well, we saw how that all turned out, he went to live with the bum who abandoned him - that's how great a job I did. [he sighs deeply and takes a gulp of his orange juice]

LIZ

You tried.

LUKE

Well, I'm great at trying aren't I? [deep sigh]

LIZ

Well, I know you have a lot of work to do, so I'm gonna go. [she rises and starts to leave]

LUKE

Where you staying?

LIZ

With Carrie Duncan.

LUKE

Crazy Carrie Duncan?

LIZ

She's not crazy, she just likes the boys.

LUKE

I'll say.

LIZ

You should talk. You made out with her at the homecoming game.

LUKE

I did not. [Liz laughs in disbelief] I didn't not make out with Crazy Carrie Duncan at the homecoming game.

LIZ

It was really good to see you. And you do look good. [Luke stares at his hands] I will make sure Carrie knows that. [exits]

JASON

Wait, wait, wait, wait the tracking says its in Atlanta. What is it doing in Atlanta?

LORELAI

Who is this country that speaks English?

JASON

It's America.

LORELAI

Everyday she learns something new.

JASON

Okay, Dennis, it is time to get proactive on this.

LORELAI

This is when mild mannered Jason Stiles suddenly darted into a phone booth and ripped off his shirt and became - Proactive Man.

JASON

What? I'm sorry I didn't get that last part.

LORELAI

Able to be proactive where ever there is activity of a pro nature.

JASON

Dennis, just do this. A messenger is coming in an hour to pick up the box with the checks -- the box with the checks in the drawer by the floor.

LORELAI

The vessel with the pestle holds the brew that is true.

JASON

[stares at her in disbelief and suppresses a chuckle] I'm sorry, I'm kind of distracted.

LORELAI

[hisses] Get off the phone!

JASON

[muffles the phone] It's the last one, I promise - two minutes tops.

LORELAI

Two minutes and I'm going to throw that thing in the lake.

JASON

There's a lake?

LORELAI

We just drove by the lake.

JASON

Aw, I missed the lake, can we drive by it again later?

LORELAI

Two minutes! [exasperated, she walks away to the entrance of Kim's Antiques]

MRS. KIM

My deliveryman is very good, very dependable. He will call you with a two hour window. Let me check his availability.

CUSTOMER

Thank you

MRS. KIM

[turns and sees Lorelai]

LORELAI

Hi Mrs. Kim. Hi.

MRS. KIM

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Wow, you've got a lot of new stuff in here. [She watches as Mrs. Kim searches for paperwork in a nearby drawer, then leans closer to speak quietly.] She's fine. She's at Yale with Rory.

MRS. KIM

[pulls out schedule book and smiles] Here it is. Let's see, we have Monday between one and three open.

CUSTOMER

Great.

JASON

[still on cell phone] No, no, no. I don't see any reason why that can't work out.

LORELAI

[at the entrance - gasps when she sees Jason still on phone] Okay! Ah, I'm sorry but your two minutes are up. Asia, Africa and where ever Jvork is from is just going to have to wait because I'm putting a kibosh on that phone. [Jason waves and gestures wildly to her as she approaches him] I'm sorry mister but I'm clicking that thing off myself.

JASON

No, no, no. I am still here, Emily! [Lorelai gasps] There's just a lot of commotion around me. No, I'm not in the office. I took the morning off. Yes, Richard deserves a morning off too. Okay, I'll see you at the hotel. Okay, bye. [clicks phone closed and turns to Lorelai] I pulled a muscle waving at you.

LORELAI

How was I supposed to know you were talking to my mother?

JASON

It was a very personal wave. It was a big, broad, over the top personal wave.

LORELAI

She called you?

JASON

She called.

LORELAI

[Mock serious tone] Are you doing like a Mrs. Robinson thing with my mother?

JASON

[return mock serious tone] Yes. I was visiting Richard one day, and he stepped out and Emily lit a cigarette and did that triangle thing with her thigh.

LORELAI

Well, you said hotel.

JASON

Well, she wants me to come to some charity thing at a hotel tomorrow. [Lorelai's cell phone rings and moves to answer] Hey, wait, wait a minute. If I can't be on the phone then you cannot be on the phon..

LORELAI

[she answers the call] Hello?

EMILY

Lorelai, its me.

JASON

Lorelai Gilmore's a hypocrite!

LORELAI

Hello Emily!

EMILY

Why are you calling me Emily?

LORELAI

'Cause that's your name, ask me again and I tell you the same.

EMILY

And who was that yelling?

LORELAI

No one you'd know. What's up?

EMILY VOICE

Well, I'm having trouble filling these eight seats your father bought for the rare manuscript acquisition charity dinner tomorrow night.

JASON

[answers his ringing phone] This is Jason. Oops. [walks away from Lorelai]

EMILY

That's the same man I heard before. Is he harassing you?

LORELAI

[slowly walks away from Jason's conversation] Ah, err, yes. I'm on the street. Get away you! It's just insanity out here today.

EMILY

Well, that's not good. Walk down a different street.

LORELAI

I'm turning the corner as we speak. So, what, there's a manuscript thing?

EMILY

Yes, it's a fund-raiser, and we're stuck and I'm desperate for attendees.

LORELAI

I'll go. Sure. Yes.

EMILY

Really?

LORELAI

I'll be there. How much - how much do I give?

EMILY

Nothing. We've already paid.

LORELAI

Okay, why don't you leave the details on where to meet up and all on the home machine.

EMILY

I will, thank you, and please get out of the street.

LORELAI

I will, bye. [she walks back to where Jason is standing]

JASON

Okay, okay, bye. [hangs up] Did she hear me?

LORELAI

Yes, but she thinks you're a raving street loon.

JASON

Okay, this is exactly the reason why I hate hiding relationships

LORELAI

I know.

JASON

We're gonna get caught.

LORELAI

We can't tell them.

JASON

We're gonna get caught.

LORELAI

This is just a freak occurrence.

JASON

This is destined to be repeated.

LORELAI

They'll be mad that I hid it.

JASON

They'll be madder the longer you hide it.

LORELAI

They'll screw things up, I don't want that. I like us.

JASON

But, it's inevitable. They're gonna see us together someplace, or a traffic report will take pictures of cars on the expressway and we'll be sitting in the car - and then Richard will be watching the news and he will see us, so barring some sort of Star Trek-like cloaking device - which was problematic in every incarnation of Star Trek - I remember Kirk complaining about it, I remember Picard complaining about it - they will see us, and we'll get caught.

LORELAI

I'm very uncomfortable dating a Trekkie.

JASON

Ah, I-I just don't feel good about this. It makes me very nervous. Listen, I've a very difficult phone call this morning with our Japanese partners and I didn't ever break a sweat, I had that testy call from the client from California - not a drop, but your mother calls and I'm soaked through.

LORELAI

On your morning off too, I'm sorry.

JASON

That's okay.

LORELAI

Do you want me to wring your shirt out for you?

JASON

No, it's old - and I like us too, by the way which is why I feel so strongly about this.

LORELAI

I know.

JASON

I'm not mad.

LORELAI

I know that too. [guiltily shifts her feet]

JASON

And I'll do what ever you want, you know them better than I.

LORELAI

I'll tell them.

JASON

Really?

LORELAI

Yes. Yes. Tonight's our Friday night dinner. Dad's gone, but starting with Emily might be for the best.

JASON

I could talk to Richard, if you want.

LORELAI

Oh no, its my thing. I'll do it.

JASON

Good. Oh, look phone is off.

LORELAI

Oh. Good, let's go buy some furniture.

RORY

So, you're just sitting here watching TV?

PARIS

I'm studying. Look at Ted Kennedy, huh? I always admired him as a senator, but you see him and think: It's just so unfair that fat men look good in suits. We girls get a couple of pounds and every piece of fashion betrays...

RORY

[clicks off the TV] Off.

PARIS

What?

RORY

I want to talk to you about your boyfriend situation, Paris.

PARIS

Jamie?

RORY

I'm sorry, I should have clarified "boyfriends."

PARIS

Oh. You mean a certain other fella.

RORY

Let's cut the coyness. I want to talk about you having an affair with Professor Asher Fleming and at the same time stringing along poor Jamie, with no concern for his feelings.

PARIS

It's not an affair.

RORY

Affair. Relationship. Fling. Tete-a-tete. What ever you want to call it.

PARIS

Well, I'm very surprised by this.

RORY

How so?

PARIS

You've never wanted to discuss Asher before.

RORY

Well, I don't particularly want to discuss him now, but I'm forced to.

PARIS

What's forcing you --

RORY

I just ran into Jamie, and he's wandering around lonely, missing you, scared of losing you, and you're sitting here watching C-SPAN!

PARIS

Nobody watches C-SPAN. It's just on in the background.

RORY

Well you gotta choose Paris, because this is becoming pretty clear that the what-ever-you-want-to-call-it with the professor is not a short-lived thing.

PARIS

I'd say that's accurate, and you can just call him Asher.

RORY

No, he's my teacher, so I think I'll stick with professor.

PARIS

Professor just makes him sound old.

RORY

He IS old!

PARIS

He's sixty. Today's sixty is what fifty was twenty years ago and he's got the body of a forty year old.

RORY

I really don't want to talk about his body.

PARIS

I'm not denying that we've got a May-December romance going on here.

RORY

This is not May-December, this is May - Ming Dynasty.

PARIS

An age difference like this is very common. People dating people the same age are passe now.

RORY

My grandfather introduced you to him. Do you see how awkward this is for me?

PARIS

Well, hot men tend to run in packs.

RORY

Do not ever say anything like that again.

PARIS

Mary, you are such a prude.

RORY

Well, at least I'm not mean to people who love me. Where is your heart?

PARIS

I know I've mishandled the Jamie situation. He just can't take a hint.

RORY

Well, you gotta do something, because one of us here does care about Jamie and I think its me.

PARIS

I know. He's my first real boyfriend.

RORY

Well, you got lucky with him.

PARIS

And he's crazy about me, I never quite figured out why.

RORY

Oh, don't get so self-deprecating. It's obnoxious.

PARIS

He's been so forgiving. I've been pretty mean. [picks up cordless phone and starts dialing]

RORY

Just talk to him and see how it goes.

PARIS

[into phone] Hey, it's me. We've got to end this - now. [Rory is shocked.] There's just no reason to prolong it. Sorry you came all the way out here. Well, Rory show me the light. She made me see there's just no point in going on.

RORY

Paris!

PARIS

No, she just came home and we talked. She's right here if you want to ask her, yourself.

RORY

Do not give me that phone!

PARIS

Anyhow, I'm really sorry Jamie. Really. Bye.

RORY

That had all the tact of a Nazi storm trooper.

PARIS

It was your idea.

RORY

Breaking up was not my idea.

PARIS

Well, he'd be stupid if he thought that's why I'd do it. [stands and paces] This was good. It was right. I'm glad I did it. You can have the TV if you want. [exits to bedroom]

MRS. CASSINI

Hello Luke. It's getting cold again isn't it?

LUKE

Yup, it's that unpredictable time of year, Mrs. Cassini.

MRS. CASSINI

Stay warm.

LUKE

Yeah, you too. [He approaches a small locked garage and searches for the key. He notices the lock has been cut. He opens the swinging doors and sees a large wide empty space inside. He expression changes from shock to disappointment.]

LUKE

[talking on phone] It's a Rambler Ambassador, four door, a rusty brown pretty much a beat-up clunker. [pause] No. I don't know how long its been missing. [pause] I mean I saw it for sure last week. Nah, I don't drive it much, it's a second car, okay? [long pause and he sighs] Just, just call me when you find it. Thanks, Bye. [he hangs up]

PARIS

Oh hey.

RORY

Hey.

PARIS

Tanna just told me that that Chester Fleet guy liked her hair and asked her out. She's throwing up now.

RORY

Good for her.

PARIS

Going somewhere?

RORY

Home for the weekend.

PARIS

Just to get away from me?

RORY

No, I've got dinner at my grandma's tonight - obligatory thing - and our town's having its Firelight Festival tomorrow which I haven't missed since I was one, so not seeing you is - Well - quite frankly just a fringe benefit.

PARIS

Would it make you feel any better to know how awful I feel?

RORY

Nope.

PARIS

I don't understand why you're so upset about this.

RORY

I know you don't.

PARIS

I tried to call Jamie again, he won't pick up.

RORY

Can you blame him?

PARIS

No. I know I let it go too long. I just wasn't sure what Asher was thinking at first. I wasn't sure if it was just a fling for him. But over the past couple of weeks, he's been mentioning stuff about the future. He's spending a month teaching a couple of courses at Oxford over the summer and then he asked me what I was planning to do over the summer. I mean there is a definite implication that he was wondering if I was available during the summer. I think he might ask me to go with him to Oxford. I mean, why else would he ask?

RORY

Beats me.

PARIS

I'm not counting my chickens...

RORY

Its good thinking.

PARIS

But it is the first indication.

RORY

Look, I've gotta hit the road.

PARIS

It was his accent that did it. I'm such the total Anglophile. When I was a kid, I was in love with Neal Kinnock.

RORY

Who?

PARIS

The former head of the Labour party. Teeth like a horse, but oh that voice, and then there was Roger Moore -

RORY

English accents are nice.

PARIS

He TiVos Frontline.

RORY

Who does?

PARIS

Asher. So we can watch it together.

RORY

Terrific.

PARIS

You don't think he meant we'd be together this summer?

RORY

I wasn't there.

PARIS

I'm not counting my chickens.

RORY

I think that's smart. [starts to leave]

PARIS

I never wanted to hurt Jamie. I just don't know how to do these things. I'm not very nice sometimes. I hope Asher doesn't see that in me. [long pause] I didn't mean to hold you up. Have a good weekend.

RORY

[pauses at the door] I just want you to be happy. You know that, right?

PARIS

[smiles for the first time] Thanks. I'm happy.

RORY

[calls out over the blare of the music before turning volume down] Mom? Hello?

LORELAI

[comes down stairs] Oh, Rory. Good. I did not go suddenly half deaf. Were you supposed to meet me here?

RORY

No, I'm a surprise.

LORELAI

As was your conception.

RORY

I'll just be two minutes. [exits to go to her room to change]

LORELAI

As was your conception.

RORY

[call off camera] Hey, how was your day with Jason?

LORELAI

Fun! He makes me laugh.

RORY

Aww, I like that

LORELAI

[calls out so Rory can hear] He's very off-center. It's been a while since I've been with someone off-center.

RORY

Cool.

LORELAI

I'm telling Mom tonight - about us.

RORY

I think Grandma knows you're my mother.

LORELAI

About me and Jason.

RORY

Very brave.

LORELAI

Yeah. [she joins Rory and they walk through the kitchen] Jason's wanted to from the beginning. It's the mature thing to do and that's why I didn't want to do it, but it's time.

RORY

That's weird [looking in kitchen cabinet]

LORELAI

What's weird?

RORY

This. [takes out loaf of bread]

LORELAI

Bread? Bread is weird?

RORY

It's weird when its here. It does not make a good snack.

LORELAI

It does when you add stuff to it, like cheese.

RORY

We have cheese? [moves to the refrigerator and opens]

LORELAI

Yeah. It's not "Donner Pass", we have cheese.

RORY

Whoa! It's like a frickin' cornucopia.

LORELAI

Yeah, there's the stuff.

RORY

There's the cheese!

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah. Why are you making such a big deal about this?

RORY

Because we never had real food in this house the whole time I was growing up.

LORELAI

What? We always had food. This fridge was never empty.

RORY

Well, yeah. We had left overs from take-out - cold pizza, Luke's fries, but never stuff you had to assemble.

LORELAI

Okay chill out on the inquiry. [pushes door closed]

RORY

Is that a cucumber?

LORELAI

Listen, you'd make a terrible private investigator, because you get hung up on all sorts of dumb stuff that does not matter - now come on. We're late, I'll drive. [leads her out the kitchen door]

RORY

Sounds good. [points to the basket on the stove] Oh my God, is that a tomato?

LORELAI

Enough already. Let's go.

EMILY

Ah, my girls are arriving together.

LORELAI

Hi, Mom.

RORY

Hi, Grandma.

EMILY

You smell like coffee. [assists the maid with their coats]

RORY

We haven't had any.

EMILY

It's so strong.

LORELAI

Okay, Mom. I really don't like you sniffing me.

RORY

Hey where's Grandpa tonight?

EMILY

He's in Manhattan having dinner with clients. He just called. They're at some restaurant near Times Square. He said that Times Square just keeps getting cleaner and cleaner. They didn't stumble upon one prostitute the whole night.

LORELAI

Oh yeah. I heard the Disney Company had them all killed.

EMILY

What I don't understand is why Jason wouldn't make this trip instead.

LORELAI

Oh. Well, he's maybe busy with his own thing.

EMILY

I know for a fact he wasn't. Richard said he took the whole morning off.

LORELAI

Well, everyone deserves an occasional morning off.

EMILY

Richard never takes a morning off. He's up every day at five-thirty on the phone then it's out the door to the office. I bet Jason doesn't roll out of bed until eight.

LORELAI

On the contrary - he - probably gets up earlier than eight. You know, I would think that he would have to, to keep up with Dad.

RORY

[frowning] Makes sense.

LORELAI

[uncomfortable] Just a guess.

EMILY

I just find that boy so irritating. He's always trying to get in good with me. Complimenting me, agreeing with me. He's absolutely prostrating himself at my feet. It's so weak.

LORELAI

Well you're a formidable opponent, Mom. They don't call you the Edie Amine of the DAR for nothing.

EMILY

He's so grating about it. I'm never fully comfortable around him.

LORELAI

Well you should maybe try harder.

EMILY

I try. But every time I see him a new facet of his Jason-ish comes out.

LORELAI

It's good to have different facets, and there's probably a lot you don't know about him.

EMILY

Oh, I'm sure about that. You two would be perfect for each other.

LORELAI

What? Who, me and Jason?

EMILY

A match made in heaven.

LORELAI

Well, thanks a lot!

EMILY

Don't get upset. [rises to go make drinks]

LORELAI

Well Mom, you just spent the last five minutes listing every off-putting quality Jason has, real or imagined and then you put me on his level and you say we're perfect together. [Emily begins laughing at the bar table] What's so funny?

EMILY

I'm sorry - [continues to laugh]

LORELAI

Did I miss something? Did a clown come in behind me and start doing funny pratfalls, what?

EMILY

Just the idea of you and Jason together, it's funny.

LORELAI

[to a grinning Rory] It's funny.

EMILY

It's really funny. I just said it as a joke.

LORELAI

You said it as a joke.

EMILY

You took it so seriously.

LORELAI

But why is it so funny?

EMILY

Well, think about it.

LORELAI

I am. I just trying to figure out what you're thinking.

EMILY

Well, it's obvious.

LORELAI

It's not obvious to me or to Rory. Rory's wondering, aren't you?

RORY

Yeah, why is that so funny, Grandma?

EMILY

It would just be so ludicrous.

LORELAI

But why, because he's a - you know, he's a hard-working guy from what I know.

EMILY

[continues to laugh harder] I'm sorry, you're making me laugh even harder about it. I just said it off hand.

LORELAI

I know.

EMILY

[offers drink to Lorelai] Martini?

LORELAI

You didn't have to shake it much with all that laughing, you know, the laughing just shook it on up for ya.

EMILY

It's good to laugh like that once in a while.

LORELAI

Oh yeah. I know.

RORY

You okay? [Lorelai doesn't respond] You didn't tell her. Next time? How are your motor skills? I'll drive. [She takes the keys from her mother]

COOPER

Luke.

LUKE

Oh, Hey Coop.

COOPER

Good news, found the car.

LUKE

Oh good. Who would steal that thing. It's just a hunk of junk.

COOPER

It broke down on the expressway a couple of hours ago, the guy was in it.

LUKE

You got the guy?

COOPER

Yeah, but there's not a lot we can do, the guy's the owner.

LUKE

What do you mean? I'm the owner.

COOPER

Well, not according to the registration. It's registered to a --

LUKE

Jess Mariano. [watches the tow truck drive by]

COOPER

Yep. Says you're his uncle. Registration's long expired, too. It needs seeing to. But I just figured that since these seems like a family matter, I'd bring the car and the kid back to you. [Luke watches Jess step out of the police cruiser.]

LUKE

Yeah, a family matter.

COOPER

Where do you want it?

LUKE

Right there's fine.

JESS

This isn't wasn't my idea.

COOPER

You'll take care of the registration?

LUKE

Yeah, thanks Coop.

JESS

[sarcastic] Yeah, thanks Coop.

COOPER

[to his partner] Lets go, Frank.

LUKE

Well, look who's back.

JESS

I'm only here to retrieve my property.

LUKE

[crossed arms] You've got a lot of nerve.

JESS

You've got a lot of nerve.

LUKE

How so? [squad car drives away as they talk]

JESS

You stole my car. Coop should have arrested you, why didn't he arrest you?

LUKE

Free donuts.

JESS

Beautiful.

LUKE

So you got anything you wanna say?

JESS

You could have washed it once in a while?

LUKE

Okay fine, the car is yours, our business here is done, hasta la vista, have a nice life. [starts to leave]

JESS

Our business here is not done. My car is wrecked because of you.

LUKE

Oh yeah?

JESS

Three of the tires are leaking, its got no oil, the floats in the carburetor are probably cracked so it's back-firing like mad, I mean, people were ducking when I was driving by. Then it stalled and wouldn't start.

LUKE

Well, you can find Mr. Goodwrench in the Yellow Pages, I think it's under M or is it G? I can never tell with those kinds of things.

JESS

You're paying for the repairs.

LUKE

Oh, don't make me laugh.

JESS

It's broken because of you.

LUKE

That thing was a piece of junk to begin with, the paint is the only thing holding it together.

JESS

And the expired registration? I'm gonna have to pay a fine.

LUKE

So, I guess it didn't work out with your dad, huh?

JESS

It worked out fine.

LUKE

So, what are you doing back East, buddy? Still searching?

JESS

Been traveling.

LUKE

Well, thanks for all the swell cards and letters you sent while you were away.

JESS

You kicked me out, what were you expecting - a candygram?

LUKE

I didn't kick you out, you got yourself kicked out.

JESS

Nice spin, you should work for Bush.

LUKE

So what did you get out of this Kerouac trip of yours? You write the great American novel or something? You learn how to play the harmonica?

JESS

What do you care, you're not my guardian anymore.

LUKE

And I bless every day that I'm not.

JESS

Well, when you're not good at something, it's best to cut and run.

LUKE

Aww, I'm sorry I tried to give you a decent life, Jess. I'm sorry I didn't think driving a fork-lift for the rest of your life was good enough for you.

JESS

Oh that is condescending, isn't it? I thought you were a friend of the working man.

LUKE

Oh, that sister of mine, what a prize. What a prize.

JESS

What does she have to do with any of this?

LUKE

I tell her about the car, she runs and tells you. That's what happened, right? Her claiming she had no contact.

JESS

Again, the car is mine. Liz was doing the right thing, that's what family does.

LUKE

Family? What a joke coming from you.

JESS

Go clean your counters, I'm tired.

LUKE

So, you staying in town?

JESS

I don't know of any twenty-four hour auto shops around here, do you?

LUKE

Well, you're not staying with me.

JESS

It didn't cross my mind.

LUKE

Get it fixed quick.

JESS

Believe me, no one wants it fixed faster than me.

LUKE

You stay away from her while you're here.

JESS

Stay away from who?

LUKE

You know who I mean.

JESS

Gee, you're so cryptic.

LUKE

You've done all the damage there you're gonna, okay?

JESS

I'm here to get my car, then I'm gone. [walks away from Luke toward his stranded car]

LUKE

Where are you staying?

JESS

Backseat's as comfy as anywhere.

LUKE

Fine. [As Jess gets in his chilly car, Luke returns to his diner]

RORY

Please do not say that word again.

LORELAI

It's a free country.

RORY

Just say hot chocolate or say nothing at all.

LORELAI

Mmm, terrific "Ho-Cho".

RORY

Oooh, I hate that. It's so cutsey-wootsey.

LORELAI

Do you hate it as much as my favorite summer treat?

RORY

Don't!

LORELAI

An ice-cold Fro-Yo! [takes out her cell phone]

RORY

Stop! Just stop - who are you calling?

LORELAI

I'm calling Jason, I promised I would check in. [cell phone rings] Hello.

JASON

I'm dying here, how'd it go?

LORELAI

Weeeell, it didn't.

JASON

[disappointed sigh] Oh.

LORELAI

Sorry.

LORELAI

Na - it's a long story - the timing was very bad. [Rory stands shivering]

JASON'S VOICE

You chickened out.

LORELAI

No, no. I - ah, yeah - kind of. [Rory and Lorelai continue to walk down the sidewalk]

JASON

Lorelai, we've got to do it.

LORELAI

Well, the timing has to be right

JASON

It's going to be awkward no matter when you do it.

LORELAI

Not if they're both unconscious.

JASON

Yeah, but then you're going to be dealing with why both your parents are unconscious, and doctors consultations, and phoning friends and relatives - the timing is bad there too.

LORELAI

Listen, it's ah - trust me, this was not good timing, and I swear to you there'll be much better timing in the near future. [their stroll takes them to the front of Luke's diner where they stop. Rory notices a familiar car parked across the street. She slowly walks toward it.] Well, near is near - I can't define it more than that. Uh, it's closer than far, how's that?

RORY

[She stands close enough to see Jess asleep in the backseat.] I don't believe this.

LORELAI

[concerned] Uh, honey - I gotta call you back, okay? Bye. Um, is that - ?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Oh.

RORY

I don't believe this.

LORELAI

What is he doing here?

RORY

What is he doing - there? [indicating the car]

LORELAI

Asleep in his car - is he living in it?

RORY

I don't see stuff.

LORELAI

Does Luke know he's here?

RORY

Well, I know what you know.

LORELAI

[disbelief] He - may not know.

RORY

Well, it's right in front of his place. How could he not know?

LORELAI

Well, it's freezing out here. He could die, he must not know.

RORY

Or doesn't care.

LORELAI

Do you think David Blain put him up to this?

RORY

Why is he here? I mean, why did he come back?

LORELAI

Light's still on in there, Luke's in there somewhere - should we go talk to him?

RORY

[uncomfortable] No. It's too weird. [shivers] And it's - weird.

LORELAI

Definitely weird.

RORY

Well, I'll just see you at home. I'm - cause I don't want to deal with this. I'll see you at home. [She quickly walks off, while Lorelai pauses a moment before walking to Luke's diner door.]

LUKE

Hey, come on in.

LORELAI

Are you aware of whose out there?

LUKE

Yeah, I'm aware [continues to stack chairs on tables]

LORELAI

That he's sleeping in his car?

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

It's about thirty-five degrees.

LUKE

He's a tough guy, he can take it.

LORELAI

Luke, why is he back here?

LUKE

Because I'm stupid.

LORELAI

Meaning?

LUKE

Well his mom showed up -- for what reason I don't know -- I'm still waiting for that shoe to drop. I mention Jess' car and then - boom - there's Jess.

LORELAI

So the mystery woman from this morning? That's Liz?

LUKE

In all her glory

LORELAI

Quite a day you've had.

LUKE

Oh, it's been delightful. I think Bobby McFerrin's gonna write one of those happy boop-boopdy-doo songs of his about this. I mean, she lied to me about having contact with Jess, so she's lied about everything else.

LORELAI

But why is he sleeping in his car?

LUKE

Because he's going to wait to have it fixed, it's a point of pride with the little punk. But please, don't tell Rory, he'll be gone tomorrow, no reason to upset her.

LORELAI

Well, she's already seen him.

LUKE

[grimacing] Oh man!

LORELAI

She's fine Luke. She's over it.

LUKE

Well, he won't go near her, I'll make sure of that.

LORELAI

Again, I don't think it's necessary. She can fend for herself.

LUKE

[exasperated] What a lie it all is!

LORELAI

All what is?

LUKE

Families. I mean, they're just messes. It's like this - spilled drink that just keeps spilling, and ya gotta keep cleaning it up, and you scrub and you scrub and you just can't get the stain up! Show me a happy family - just one. Didn't that Tolstoy-guy say something about families?

LORELAI

Probably

LUKE

It's a famous thing he said. It's like: "all families are unhappy" ...or, or, or "happy on the surface"... or "unhappy in the same way"...

LORELAI

Sounds a little incomplete.

LUKE

Well, y'know, maybe he couldn't complete the thought because he was dealing with his stinkin' family.

LORELAI

Do the Hallmark people know about you? 'Cause you're a natural.

LUKE

(throws his hands up helplessly) I'm tired of cleaning up messes. I'm tired of helping people who do nothing to help themselves!

LORELAI

I'm sorry you're so upset. I just don't want you to have to deal with the frozen carcass in the morning

LUKE

He'll be fine.

LORELAI

Okay. Try to get some rest, okay? Relax. Watch a little TV - no family shows...

LUKE

(chuckles) Yeah, yeah... I'm going up now.

LORELAI

Bye. [she leaves and Luke, obviously upset, watches after her]

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

Hey. So, do you want an update?

RORY

I guess.

LORELAI

Well, the whole thing - the mystery woman from this morning? Jess' mom.

RORY

Whoa.

LORELAI

Still a mystery though. Luke's not quite sure what she's up to.

RORY

She came with Jess?

LORELAI

She called him or something. It's very confusing. Luke was not in an expansive story telling mood. All he knows is that Jess said he came for his car and he's not leaving without it.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Yeah. Which means he might be here part of the day tomorrow, so uh, "Danger, Will Robinson."

RORY

I can live with it, really.

LORELAI

That's what I told Luke.

RORY

Good.

LORELAI

Okay. So, I'm going to go upstairs, get warm - Good night.

RORY

Hey, um, before you go.

LORELAI

Hmm?

RORY

What happened to our movie channels?

LORELAI

What do you mean?

RORY

Well, I was flipping through cable and a bunch of our channels are gone.

LORELAI

Oh. Well, that's not right.

RORY

And you have bread.

LORELAI

[chuckles] There's a connection?

RORY

Are you skimping?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Cutting back on things, cable, eating out, the bread, the cheese, the tomato

LORELAI

Okay, hey - if you're going to try me in a court of law, the bread, the tomato and I will need to hire a lawyer.

RORY

There's no takeout in the fridge, no takeout containers in the trash.

LORELAI

You're going through the trash?

RORY

And I'm not seeing the stacks of magazines lying around. We always subscribe to everything.

LORELAI

Yes, we do. I've read them all, they're in recycle bin - you can go check.

RORY

It even seems a little darker in here - like you're using a lower watt bulb, or something.

LORELAI

Oh my God, you're reading into everything.

RORY

You're not having money problems?

LORELAI

No. I mean, I'm not going to be on the Fortune 500 list anytime soon, but I'm fine.

RORY

With the Inn and everything?

LORELAI

Yes. We're getting a horse.

RORY

Cool. And food for the horse?

LORELAI

He'll be well fed.

RORY

Just as long as you're well fed too.

LORELAI

Yeah, I'll call the cable company in the morning. I think we should be getting those channels.

RORY

Well, you'd tell me, right?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

[closes her study folder and kisses Lorelai's cheek] Well, goodnight.

LORELAI

Good night angel. [Rory rises and leaves. When she is out of sight, Lorelai clicks off the nearby table lamp.]

JESS

[muffled inside as Luke continues pounding on the glass] Go away. [Eventually Jess impatiently rises and rolls down the window.] What?

LUKE

I'm spending the night with Nicole.

JESS

Thanks for the update.

LUKE

The hidden key is still in the same place. Now, you can stay out here and freeze to death if you want or you can go inside, I don't really give a damn, it makes no difference to me. [walks off without waiting for an answer]

JESS

Fine. [rolls his window up]