T4E13: “Nag Hammadi Is Where They Found the Gnostic Gospels”

LORELAI

Cold, cold, cold, cold ! Icy feet, stupid frozen-tundra house! Oh. [She picks up a shawl and wraps herself in it. She sees someone sleeping on the couch, bundled in blankets.]

LORELAI

Honey, why are you sleeping in here? Your room is way warmer. [She turns up the thermostat and goes into the kitchen.] Okay, here's the question for today, kids. What the hell are the Eskimos thinking? I mean, yes, the hoods are cute, but it's always cold. Always! Plus you have to eat fish for breakfast and you have to eat whales and then polar bears and penguins and Santa Claus... [Comes back from the kitchen, towards the couch and sits on the sleeping figure] Okay, coffee's on, Pop-Tarts are pop-tarting! If you're just going to lie there, I'm going to have to sit here. I'm going to make myself very comfortable on a nice, warm Rory!

RORY

Why is it so cold in here?

LORELAI

Ahh!

RORY

Ahh!

LORELAI

I thought I was sitting on you!

RORY

Oh, really? Good trick...

LORELAI

Well, if you are there, then who is this?

RORY

I don't know.

LORELAI

We've got a stranger in our house.

RORY

Robert Downey, Jr?

LORELAI

Or a murderer.

RORY

... who needed to take a nap before committing his crimes?

LORELAI

I think this belongs to you.

RORY

She must have followed me home from Yale. I told her she could hang out there this weekend.

LORELAI

But why do that when you can come here and sleep where penguins need a coat?

RORY

Yeah, why is it so cold in here?

LORELAI

I broke that stupid window trying to lock it last night.

RORY

Well, get it fixed, woman.

LORELAI

I left Luke a message just now. He'll do it.

RORY

Before or after the re-enactment of Alive?

LORELAI

Hopefully before.

RORY

Why don't you call a guy?

LORELAI

What guy?

RORY

A window fixing guy.

LORELAI

Ah, Luke always gets mad when I pay someone to do something that he could do for free. And then he lectures me about it every time I see him and it's annoying. "Oh, you paid him how much to fix the window? What, you couldn't just find someone to steal your purse that day? Hey, while you're at it I've got an idea, why don't you go down to a Versateller and let them charge you five bucks to take your own money out of the bank? Or buy some tickets at Ticketmaster and wind up paying more in service charges than it would cost you to see the band? Oh, here's a great fifty buck mark up on a bottle of wine that it would have cost you ten dollars in the supermarket you're missing!"

RORY

Oh my God, Luke is annoying.

LORELAI

So...

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Just wondering what you're thinking about.

RORY

I'm thinking about nothing.

LORELAI

Nothing wouldn't happen to wear a leather jacket and be able to pull off an extremely convincing "Adrian!" would it?

RORY

No, it wouldn't. You think he froze to death?

LORELAI

No, He wasn't sleeping here.

RORY

Right.

LORELAI

I'm sure Luke took care of it.

LANE

Hey, did somebody sit on me just now?

LORELAI

No, why?

LANE

My hip hurts.

LORELAI

Oh, getting old...

LORELAI

Hey, did anyone ever think that maybe Sylvia Plath wasn't crazy, she was just cold?

JESS

[in his car]

Come on guys, push harder.

KIRK

[into a walkie-talkie]

We need more stars in the gazebo area. I repeat: We need more stars in the gazebo area. Do you copy? Roger.

JOE

I'm supposed to say roger, Kirk.

KIRK

I don't think so. Copy. Roger.

JOE

Roger means I heard you, Kirk. I was supposed to say roger.

KIRK

Negative. I am in charge here and I say roger! ROGER.

JOE

No, you don't.

WOMAN ON THE WALKIE TALKIE

Just let him say roger, Joe.

JOE

If he says roger, what the hell am I supposed to say?

WOMAN

Who cares?

JESS

Get out of the way, Kirk.

KIRK

Hold on. Roger.

JESS

This car is not stopping.

KIRK

I am planning the Firelight Festival. Taylor left me in charge, and I have to make sure everything is perfect.

JESS

MOVE!

KIRK

Roger.

LUKE

[to Jess]

Shouldn't you have a marching band behind you?

JESS

Go away.

LUKE

The Budweiser Clydesdales prancing along, Ann Jillian waving in the back.

JESS

I've got to get my car to Gypsy so she can fix it and I can leave.

LUKE

So you decided to push it there.

JESS

I didn't have a choice.

MAN IN A CAR

Just push this piece of junk out of my way!

JESS

I'm going as fast as I can, jerk!

LUKE

Jess, do you at all find this ridiculous?

JESS

Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I do find this ridiculous. I find it ridiculous that Gypsy won't walk twenty feet to take a look at my car.

LUKE

Hire a tow truck.

JESS

It costs eighty bucks to hire a tow truck. Oh, come on, it's like freakin' Carnivale out here.

LUKE

I'll give you the eighty bucks.

JESS

No.

LUKE

You're blocking the whole street.

JESS

I don't want your money.

LUKE

You wanna get out of here, let me pay the eighty bucks.

MAN PUSHING THE CAR

I'll pitch in ten.

JESS

Hey, how about more walkie, and less talkie.

LUKE

You're making a spectacle of yourself.

JESS

Go home, you won't have to watch.

LUKE

Fine.

JESS

Well?

GYPSY

Still looking.

JESS

What's the matter with it?

GYPSY

Still looking.

JESS

You've been circling around the thing for fifteen minutes. You waiting for it to tell you where it hurts?

GYPSY

I've seen dumber things talk.

JESS

Just tell me what's wrong with the car.

GYPSY

You need a carburetor.

JESS

So how long until it's fixed?

GYPSY

Not sure.

JESS

It has to be today. I have to walk out of this half-mile, four-block, freakhole of a medical experiment.

GYPSY

You are delightful. I'll have you out of here tonight. Go away and come back at closing.

JESS

Fine.

GYPSY

And bring a lot of money because I'm going to overcharge you like you've never been overcharged before.

JESS

I'll bet you say that to all the guys.

GYPSY

On second thought, maybe I'm closing early tonight.

JESS

I'm going.

GYPSY

That's not her.

JESS

What?

GYPSY

She cut her hair.

JESS

Don't know what you're talking about.

GYPSY

Okay, my mistake.

LORELAI

Okay, now. Hold it. Oh, okay, how does it look?

LANE

Festive and femme.

LORELAI

Yes, and completely ineffective.

LANE

Maybe it just needs another layer.

LORELAI

Yes, of glass.

RORY

Nice. Something to protect us from freezer burn.

LORELAI

Come over here and help us.

RORY

I'm not going to help you Barbie Band-aid our window. I will, however, help you to call one of the many extremely qualified window repairmen that I've circled for you in the phone book.

LORELAI

Hey, if we fix the window before Luke comes over, he will have his feelings hurt. Do you want that?

RORY

Phone book's on the kitchen table.

LORELAI

Where are you going?

RORY

I'm going to take a walk, get a Danish, hit the bookstore, and I'll be back for lunch.

LORELAI

Okay.

LORELAI

[to Lane] Maybe if we add a layer of tinfoil.

RORY

Hey, professional window guys are driving by, pointing and laughing. I just thought you should know.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LORELAI

So, listen, I have some errands to run today. Do you need anything?

LANE

No, I'm fine.

LORELAI

Okay. I'll probably be heading down Elm.

LANE

Well, that's a good street.

LORELAI

Yes, it is. If there is anything you'd want me to do on Elm, or anyone you wanted me to see, I could...

LANE

That's okay. Has she said anything to you?

LORELAI

No, but she's wanted to.

LANE

How can you tell?

LORELAI

Let's just say it's a mom thing.

LANE

Yeah, well...

LORELAI

Okay, well maybe tomorrow then.

LORELAI

Hello?

EMILY

It's a complete disaster!

LORELAI

My existence?

EMILY

Not everything is about you, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Oh, sorry.

EMILY

The rare manuscripts acquisition fundraiser is tonight and we still haven't filled our table. I'm four people short.

RICHARD

The Burles are going to visit their daughter in New Hampshire.

EMILY

Well then they can just go straight to hell, then, can't they?

LORELAI

Mom, I already said I'd go.

EMILY

But we still have a half empty table.

LORELAI

Well, fewer people to fight over the centerpiece.

EMILY

Stop it. This is not funny. The last person who didn't fill her table was Loretta Bobbins. Do you remember Loretta Bobbins?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

Exactly! Once you do not fill your table, you do not get another table to fill. You are off the list.

LORELAI

Mom, that's not gonna happen to you.

EMILY

You said you would come.

LORELAI

I am coming.

EMILY

And you're bringing someone.

LORELAI

I never said I was bringing someone.

EMILY

Well, I'm telling you to now.

LORELAI

Mom, it's tonight.

EMILY

I need you to bring someone, Lorelai.

LORELAI

But I...

EMILY

Loretta Bobbins, Lorelai.

RICHARD

All right, the Dartmores are trying to change Bitty's viewing. They'll call back in a minute.

EMILY

They owe us, Richard. Remind them that they owe us.

EMILY

All right. I'll see you tonight at six o'clock sharp and don't wear those pantyhose with the seams up the back. You look like ten cents a dance.

EMILY

Richard, I need a gimlet.

KIRK

After we light the bonfire, the dancers should come through.

PATTY

Okay, Kirk.

KIRK

They'll circle the gazebo. Jazz hands, jazz hands, jazz hands. Then out come the flaming batons.

PATTY

That sounds good, Kirk.

KIRK

Are you ignoring me?

PATTY

Since you were old enough to walk, Kirk.

LIZ

What do you think?

CARRIE

I think it's good.

LIZ

Is there too much turquoise?

CARRIE

Are you kidding? Turquoise is timeless.

LUKE

What are you doing?

LIZ

Oh, hey, Luke. You remember my friend Carrie, right?

LUKE

Oh, yeah. Hey, Carrie.

CARRIE

Hi, Butch, good to see you. Been under any bleachers lately?

LUKE

No, I haven't. What is that?

LIZ

It's an earring tree.

LUKE

And what is it for?

LIZ

You hang earrings on it.

LUKE

And what is it doing here?

LIZ

I thought I'd put some of my earrings out, you know, and see if I could sell some to the good people of Stars Hollow.

LUKE

No.

LIZ

Why?

CARRIE

They're cute.

LUKE

This is a diner. People come here to eat, not shop.

LIZ

But now they can do both.

LUKE

Uh-huh. Hey, Liz, can I talk to you for a moment?

CARRIE

Hey, Liz, you want me to negotiate with him for you?

LUKE

No, she doesn't, Carrie. Thanks for the offer. Liz, please?

LIZ

Sure, my brother.

LIZ

Why are you so stressed about this?

LUKE

Liz, do you remember when you decided to make those ceramic pots?

LIZ

Yes.

LUKE

Without a kiln?

LIZ

Yes.

LUKE

And how did that go?

LIZ

Pretty bad.

LUKE

You were depressed for a month, you cut all your hair, you threw out all your clothes...

LIZ

I remember the bad times.

LUKE

You put those earring out on my counter and nobody buys them...

LIZ

They sell great at the fairs.

LUKE

I'm sure they do, but this is not a renaissance fair. Look around. Everybody here has a life. No one's gonna buy them. Please, just--

PATTY

Oh, look at this. Oh, these are so cute! Luke, are you selling these?

LIZ

He sure is.

PATTY

Well, I'll take 'em.

KIRK

Excuse me, I wanted those.

PATTY

Turquoise? With your complexion?

KIRK

They're for Lulu. She's a sweetheart.

PATTY

Does she have pierced ears?

KIRK

Um, I can check. [Speaks into the walkie-talkie.] Joe, have you ever noticed my girlfriend's lobes?

JOE

[over walkie-talkie]

What?

LUKE

Okay, thank you both for the show of support. It's very kind but you don't have to do this.

PATTY

Do what?

LUKE

Pretend that you like them because Liz made them.

PATTY

Who's pretending?

KIRK

Yeah, they're phat.

LUKE

They're gonna fall apart.

LIZ

No they're not.

LUKE

They're gonna make people's ears green and send them to the hospital.

LIZ

You cannot design my ad campaign.

LUKE

Liz!

LIZ

You need to nap, Jack. I'm cool, they're cool, everybody's cool.

PATTY

Stop, Kirk!

KIRK

Ouch! She slapped me! Who saw her slap me?

LIZ

Okay, relax you two. I can make you whatever you want!

CARRIE

I want these ones in fuchsia pink. I want these in purple...

RORY

Hi, I'd like a large coffee and a cherry Danish, please.

JESS

I'm leaving.

KIRK

A little farther back. Roger.

JOE

What?

KIRK

It's gotta go back farther. Roger.

JOE

I can't hear you.

KIRK

Speak into to your walkie-talkie. Roger.

JOE

Kirk, what are you saying?

KIRK

[into the walkie-talkie.] Speak into your... [Gives up and yells] Speak into your walkie-talkie! Roger!

JOE

I lost my walkie-talkie. I told you that.

KIRK

Well, then it's your own fault! Roger!

LORELAI

Hey, Luke, hey Luke, hold on! Please, I know you owe us nothing but our dead frozen carcasses may someday haunt you in your old age, or not... because... [She sees Liz on the driver's seat.] you don't know who I am. Hi. Sorry. I thought you were Luke.

LIZ

I should put on some lipstick.

LORELAI

No, I just saw the truck.

LIZ

Well, I borrowed the truck.

LORELAI

Right.

LIZ

He knows.

LORELAI

I'm sure he does.

LIZ

I'm Liz, Luke's sister.

LORELAI

Oh, Luke's sister, yeah, I knew you were here. Hi, I'm Lorelai. So, is Luke in the diner?

LIZ

No, he just stepped out for a sec. You need him for something?

LORELAI

I just needed to tell him something, I ...

LIZ

You want me to give him a message?

LORELAI

Sure, yeah, um, tell him Lorelai wanted to gently remind him about the window. I'll be home until five-thirty and tell him I looked cold.

LIZ

Oh, you're the wife.

LORELAI

The wife?

LIZ

Yeah, I knew he got married, but I hadn't seen the face yet. So, oh wow, it's good to meet you.

LORELAI

No, no, no. I'm not the wife. I'm the friend and the customer, not the wife.

LIZ

Oh, sorry. You look like his type, so...

LORELAI

No, no, not his type or his wife, just his friend. And his customer.

LIZ

Well, still good to meet you.

LORELAI

You too. Luke has told me a lot about you.

LIZ

Yeah, like what?

LORELAI

Oh, like you're his sister...

LIZ

He admits it!

LORELAI

And that, you know, you're here visiting him, and how happy he is that you're visiting him.

LIZ

He did not say that.

LORELAI

I think he did.

LIZ

He's not probably too thrilled I'm here. I'm kind of pain in his ass.

LORELAI

Well, aren't we all?

LIZ

Yeah, but I'm special. I kinda screw up a lot and then he has to fix it and then we fight and then I screw up again and he fixes it - it's a pattern.

LORELAI

Well, Luke likes his routine.

LIZ

He's pretty amazing though. No matter how much I screw up, he just keeps fixing it. I need money, he gives me money. No place to live, Luke finds an apartment. Even my kid when I was having trouble with him -- did you ever meet Jess?

LORELAI

Oh yes, I did.

LIZ

I tell you, he was hell on wheels. I couldn't do a thing with him. I didn't know what to do, so...

LORELAI

Luke fixed it?

LIZ

He tried. He wasn't entirely successful. I don't know, maybe if I had sent Jess to him a little sooner... Well, anyhow, Luke did what he could. He always does. He's like my hero, you know. Like one of those Greek gods with the golden helmets and the shields and the sandals.

LORELAI

And the little white toga dresses.

LIZ

I sound silly.

LORELAI

No, you don't. Take it from someone who's run to Luke many a time. He's definitely one of the good ones. Maybe THE good one.

LIZ

Yeah, I miss him. I've even been thinking of moving back here.

LORELAI

To Stars Hollow?

LIZ

Maybe. I've discussed it with my boyfriend. I'm not sure how Luke would like it, but I sure would. Well, I should get going.

LORELAI

Sure.

LIZ

Well, it was nice to meet you, friend and customer, not wife.

LORELAI

Nice to meet you too.

LIZ

I'll be sure and give him your message.

LORELAI

Don't forget, human popsicle.

BABETTE

Well, I have to tell you this is a real treat having you two girls over, like spur of the moment, I don't know what I did to get so damned lucky.

LORELAI

Well, we just realized we hadn't seen you very much lately and we thought "Hey, today is the perfect day to catch up with Babette."

RORY

Oh, yeah, the perfect day.

BABETTE

Well I am tickled pink. Here you go-- hot cocoa.

RORY

Thanks, Babette.

LORELAI

Ahh, we don't deserve such treatment.

BABETTE

Of course you do -- two young hotsy-totsies like yourselves hanging out with an old bird like me. You deserve a lot better. So, you kids going to the Firelight Festival tonight?

RORY

You bet.

LORELAI

We're going to be late though because we have to make a pit stop at one of my mother's charity events.

BABETTE

Ooh, sounds ritzy.

LORELAI

Like the cracker.

BABETTE

Well, the festival should be quite a shindig. Just watching Kirk trying to get those stars hung was worth the price of admission. You know, he insisted on demonstrating the correct way to hang 'em and treed himself. It took the fire department and two cans of tuna to get him down.

RORY

I hate that I missed that.

BABETTE

Plus, the whole town is buzzing about Jess coming back. Stupid little pisher, trying to sneak out of town without anyone knowing. This town, what is he kidding? Oh, I'm so sorry, sugar. Here I am, going on and on about Jess.

RORY

It's fine, Babette. I'm fine.

LORELAI

She's fine.

BABETTE

You sure?

RORY

Yes. I'm sure.

LORELAI

She's fine.

RORY

I saw him.

LORELAI

Who?

BABETTE

Jess?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

When?

BABETTE

Where?

RORY

Today at Weston's.

LORELAI

He went into Weston's?

BABETTE

That little bastard.

LORELAI

What happened?

RORY

I went in, he saw me and he left.

BABETTE

No!

LORELAI

He said nothing?

RORY

No, he said something. He said, "I'm leaving."

LORELAI

Way to state the obvious.

RORY

It was so weird. I mean, he's the one who left town. He's the one who didn't call and now he just gets up and walks out like he's mad.

LORELAI

What does he have to be mad about?

RORY

Exactly! I should be mad. It's my town. I should be the one to walk out in a huff.

BABETTE

You still stuck on him, honey?

RORY

No, I'm not. I just wasn't expecting him to come back, that's all.

LORELAI

He'll be gone soon.

RORY

Yeah, I know. He'll be gone soon.

BABETTE

Oh my God, I forgot the marshmallows!

RORY

He'll be gone soon.

KIRK

Mayday! Mayday! The Morrison kids have stolen the bonfire again! I repeat: the kids have stolen the bonfire again!

LUKE

Cesar, I'm back. What did you burn? Liz!

LIZ

Luke, hi!

LUKE

What are you doing?

LIZ

I just needed some things.

LUKE

Steaks?

LIZ

Yeah.

LUKE

You needed steaks?

LIZ

Well, I'm making dinner upstairs and you don't have anything.

LUKE

Then go to a store.

LIZ

Oh, come on, a couple of steaks. What's the big deal?

LUKE

The big deal is, I run a diner. I sell food, that's how I make my living. It's how I can afford all this.

LIZ

Oh, you can spare a couple of things.

LUKE

How do you know what I can spare? That's a whole pie.

LIZ

It's a peach pie. Nobody eats the peach.

LUKE

A lot of people eat the peach.

LIZ

I'll buy a pie tomorrow. Tonight I'm making a feast for my guys.

LUKE

Your guys? Who are your guys?

LIZ

You and T.J.

LUKE

T. J.?

LIZ

Yep, you're really gonna like him. He's upstairs right now waiting for us and he--

LUKE

Upstairs in my apartment? You left some guy named T.J. alone in my apartment? Ah, Liz!

LIZ

I've been gone twenty seconds.

LUKE

That's all it takes.

LIZ

To do what? Steal the singing "Be Happy" Bass?

LUKE

Hey, that is my singing "Be Happy" Bass and it had better still be up there, including the batteries.

T.J.

Hey, I thought I'd make chili. [T.J. turns around and sees Luke.] You are not Liz.

LUKE

Already smarter than the last guy.

LIZ

Hi, baby. Look what I found downstairs.

T.J.

You must be Luke.

LUKE

I think she's talking about the steaks.

LIZ

I was not talking about the steaks. This is my "Him." This is my guy. This is T.J.

T.J.

Guess what it stands for?

LUKE

What?

T.J.

T.J. Guess what it stands for?

LUKE

I don't know.

T.J.

Just guess.

LUKE

I can't.

T.J.

Come on.

LUKE

Thomas Jefferson?

T.J.

No. Thomas Jefferson? Wowl, that's a weird guess.

LUKE

Okay, you know, I've gotta go back.

LIZ

Oh no, come on, Cesar's there, sit down.

T.J.

You want a beer?

LUKE

You mean one of my beers out of my fridge? Sure, why not.

T.J.

Coming right up.

LIZ

Oh, I'm so excited. My two favorite guys are here with me, drinking, talking...

T.J.

And soon, there will be chili.

JESS

I forgot something.

LIZ

Oh my God, this is freaky. It's like fate. Jess didn't know we were here. I had no idea that Jess would come by and now look at us together. All the men in my life are drawn here to me. This is positive. This means something. Do you feel it?

T.J.

I sure do.

LIZ

Baby, this is my kid. This is Jess. Jess, this is T.J.

T.J.

Guess what it stands for.

JESS

No.

LIZ

Oh, you'll stay for dinner.

JESS

I've gotta go check on my car.

T.J.

Come on, we're making a ton of food. There's beer.

LUKE

My beer.

JESS

I'm not hungry.

LIZ

Oh please, stay for a little while. I think you guys are really gonna get along great.

LIZ

Oh, T.J. is really enjoying Stars Hollow. Aren't you, baby?

T.J.

Oh yeah, this place is great. It reminds me of New York.

JESS

How?

T.J.

You know.

LUKE

Neither one is in space.

T.J.

No, that's not it.

LUKE

Of course not.

T.J.

There's an energy, right?

LIZ

There is. I feel it. A very similar energy.

T.J.

Liz showed me your old house and your school. Like the picture of you in the shorts.

LIZ

My brother was very big in athletics in his day. And the ladies loved him. Ask Carrie. They went out.

LUKE

Crazy Carrie and I did not go out.

LIZ

They just made out.

LUKE

We did not make out. We did not go out. We did nothing that involved the word out.

T.J.

I think he's still hung up on her.

LUKE

A lightening bolt, please.

JESS

I gotta go.

LIZ

Oh, okay, but come back after you've checked your car. We'll save you some food. You look good. Handsome.

T.J.

If I was some girl, I wouldn't kick him out of bed.

LIZ

Come back, okay?

JESS

Okay.

T.J.

Yeah, if you do, I'll draw your portrait on my Etch-A-Sketch.

LUKE

Hey, can't miss that.

JESS

We'll see.

LUKE

Hey, Jess wait a sec.

LUKE

So, wow.

JESS

Yep.

LUKE

Well, if I had to pick anyone in the world for my sister to be with, that guy would definitely be his cab driver.

JESS

I don't know. He had a certain something.

LUKE

Yeah, lack of chromosomes.

JESS

That sounds right.

LUKE

So, what do we do?

JESS

About what?

LUKE

About that, them, him.

JESS

Nothing.

LUKE

Where are you going?

JESS

To check on my car.

LUKE

But Jess, don't you think that we should discuss this?

JESS

Discuss what?

LUKE

T.J.

JESS

I thought we just did.

LUKE

But we didn't come up with a solution.

JESS

A solution to what?

LUKE

Are we having the same conversation? A solution to him.

JESS

A solution would have been birth control. Too late, move on.

LUKE

Jess, we have to do something about this.

JESS

Like what?

LUKE

I don't know. We have to say something.

JESS

Like what?

LUKE

He's a grown man with an Etch-A-Sketch!

JESS

So shake him real hard. Maybe he'll disappear.

LUKE

Oh come on. What, do you like this guy?

JESS

Of course I don't like this guy. I don't like any of the guys, but she's gonna do what she's gonna do.

LUKE

No, I do not accept that. We can go to Liz together. We can tell her--

JESS

She does not care what we think. She really doesn't care what I think. I've got nineteen years of proof to back me up.

LUKE

Yes, she does. You just have to find the right angle with Liz.

JESS

Can I go please?

LUKE

No, you can't go. We have to fix this. I cannot watch her throw her life away again with a loser again.

JESS

You see, this is your problem. You're going to help people whether they want it or not. You have to fix everything. You have to fix everyone. You think it makes you a good guy, but really, it just makes you a pain in the ass. You make it so that when people fail you, you get to feel like the martyr and they get to feel like not only did they screw up, but they also disappointed you. You interfere and you make everything worse. No one is asking for your help. No one wants your help. Focus on your own life and leave everyone else alone.

KIRK

Give it back! Give it back! I mean it! I'm in charge here guys! Come on! Give it back! I need that!

RORY

Hey, Andrew. Can you track these down for me? They're all out of print.

ANDREW

You got it.

RORY

Thanks.

LUKE

Ow! Damn it.

LORELAI

Hello?

LORELAI

Oh, Luke.

LUKE

Oh yeah. Hey.

LORELAI

How did you get in here?

LUKE

You left your bedroom window open.

LORELAI

My bedroom window is on the second floor. What did you do?

LUKE

Well, I promised to fix your window, so I'm here to fix your window.

LORELAI

Oh, my God, you cut yourself.

LUKE

Glass was broken.

LORELAI

Hence the need for fixing. I'm sorry. Are you drunk?

LUKE

I am not drunk. I do not get drunk.

LORELAI

Huh.

LUKE

I had some beer-beers. More than one. A few. And then I came here and I climbed your tree.

LORELAI

Well, good thinking.

LUKE

And then I fell out of your tree.

LORELAI

Hm, sit down.

LUKE

I landed flat on my back. I felt like Kirk.

LORELAI

Hold your hand up in the air.

LUKE

And then I climbed back up the tree. This time I made it. I got in. Sorry about the lamp.

LORELAI

You know, Luke, you could have broken your neck.

LUKE

You know, it would have been all right if I had. I would have fixed it because that's what I do: I fix things. Even when they don't want to be fixed.

LORELAI

Let me see your hand.

LUKE

Why?

LORELAI

Because it is bleeding and I need to look at it. [Luke shows her his hand.] Ew! Gross!

LUKE

It's fine, leave it.

LORELAI

I can't leave it, it's cut.

LUKE

That's my wrist.

LORELAI

Ah, sorry.

LUKE

You're very good at this.

LORELAI

I don't like blood okay?

LUKE

So leave it alone.

LORELAI

No, I can't leave it. [Lorelai puts a Band-aid on the cut.] Do you want to tell me what happened?

LUKE

Nothing.

LORELAI

What are you doing?

LUKE

I'm going to fix the window.

LORELAI

Forget the window.

LUKE

I can't forget the window. I made a promise and I'm the reliable guy who helps everybody out whether they like it or not.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

Oh, yeah. Nothing I can do about it, just the way I am. It is my big problem. Didn't know it was my big problem until today, but now I know. It is my big problem. [Luke looks at his hand] Got a handful of Barbie.

LORELAI

Luke, what happened today?

LUKE

Today I found out what a big, dumb, idiot guy I am. Just an imposing, judgmental know-it-all who blows around yelling and complaining and screwing up everybody else's life.

LORELAI

I hardly think you're--

LUKE

I'm dumb. Yeah, not like Jess. Jess is smart. You know, he doesn't care about anybody else's life. He just takes care of himself.

LORELAI

Did you and Jess have a thing?

LUKE

He informed me that I am nothing but an unwelcome burden to everyone around me.

LORELAI

Luke, that's not true.

LUKE

Yes, it is.

LORELAI

Luke, stop it. Liz was just saying today how grateful she is to have you as her brother and how much she looks up to you.

LUKE

You talked to Liz?

LORELAI

I thought she was you.

LUKE

I'm a man.

LORELAI

Well, she was in your truck.

LUKE

When I'm in my truck, I'm still a man.

LORELAI

I couldn't see who was driving, okay? I went over the truck and we met and we started talking.

LUKE

You shouldn't have talked to Liz.

LORELAI

She worships you. She said she even wants to move to Stars Hollow so she can be closer to you.

LUKE

She didn't say that.

LORELAI

She did say that. Jess is an unhappy kid, Luke. He's angry. He doesn't mean the things he says.

LUKE

He did me a favor.

LORELAI

Listen, why don't you hang out here and rest for little while, okay? We'll get you a real bandage.

LUKE

I like the Barbie ones.

LORELAI

Yes, honey, but the other kids will beat you up if they see you with one of those. I'll be right back.

LUKE

Hm.

JESS

You sure I can't help you? Can I hand you something? You know, it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to run.

GYPSY

Just curious--have you noticed since you started standing there, there's been a lot less of the clinking sounds? And the clinking sounds are the sounds tools make when they fix things.

JESS

You've been fixing this car for hours.

GYPSY

And I'm not done, so, back off.

LORELAI

Jess!

GYPSY

Hey, she sounds mad.

LORELAI

You've been here less than twenty-four hours and already I wanna kill you.

JESS

What did I do to you?

LORELAI

All the crap you said to Luke--

JESS

What crap?

LORELAI

A man who has done nothing but support you and try to help you.

JESS

I don't know what you're talking about.

LORELAI

You do know what I'm talking about. Don't act stupid. Why would you do that? What an incredibly insensitive, mean-spirited--

JESS

Oh, drop it. This has nothing to do with Luke. This is about Rory.

LORELAI

This is not about Rory. This is about Luke. Don't you have an ounce of sensitivity in that thick head of yours or are you so mad at the entire world that you don't care who you hurt?

JESS

And I suppose we're still not talking about Rory?

LORELAI

Wow, second "Rory" in ten seconds. You sure have Rory on the brain. I wonder why that is.

JESS

You started this!

LORELAI

Is that why you came back here? Are you still hung up on her Jess ? Is that why you came back?

JESS

No.

LORELAI

Good. Because she is over you. She has moved on and she is very happy.

JESS

[to Gypsy] Please hurry up so I can get the hell out of here.

LORELAI

I second that.

LORELAI

Wow. I wonder where Demi and Ashton are sitting.

RORY

I think we're late.

LORELAI

We're not late.

RORY

Grandma said dinner starts at six.

LORELAI

Yeah, well that means seven.

RORY

In what universe?

LORELAI

They invite you at six knowing you won't be here until seven so dinner won't start until eight. Actually we're early. Oh, there they are. Hey. Hi Mom. Oh, that's a bad face.

RORY

Told you we were late.

EMILY

What is Rory doing here?

RORY

Hi, Grandma.

EMILY

You weren't supposed to bring Rory.

LORELAI

You're really helping the kid's self-esteem here, Mom.

EMILY

You don't know one man that would be willing to spend the evening with you?

LORELAI

I thought you liked Rory.

EMILY

We do like Rory but we're short of men.

LORELAI

Well so am I.

EMILY

Honestly, Lorelai. It's not your looks that keep them away. Think about that.

RORY

Excuse me, should I stay, or--?

EMILY

Of course you should stay. We can't do anything about that now. Come on, come on...

LORELAI

So on a wigged-out level of one to ten, Mom is at--

RORY

Frances Farmer?

LORELAI

Yeah.

RICHARD

Rory, what are you doing here?

EMILY

Lorelai couldn't find a man.

LORELAI

You weren't specific, Mom. You didn't say, "Bring a man."

EMILY

And if I had, you would have been able to find one? Rory, sit over there. Marjorie, Shawna, this is my daughter Lorelai and her daughter Rory. This is Marjorie and Shawna.

LORELAI

Hi.

RORY

Hello.

LORELAI

[Whispers to Emily] Who are Marjorie and Shawna?

EMILY

[Whispers back] Richard and Jason's secretaries. Dull girls, like two rolling pins sitting across from you, but we were desperate.

JASON

Hello, Emily, Richard.

RICHARD

Ah, Jason.

EMILY

You're late, Jason.

JASON

I know, I'm sorry but I got hung up talking to Feriman in the lobby.

RICHARD

Feriman is here?

JASON

Yes, and he's three drinks ahead of everybody else.

RICHARD

Oh, marvelous.

EMILY

No, don't sit there!

JASON

Oh.

EMILY

Sit next to Lorelai. Rory move over.

LORELAI

Why?

EMILY

You two, pretend you're together.

LORELAI

What?

RICHARD

Emily, good idea.

EMILY

Shawna, Marjorie, for God's sake, look like you belong here. [They helplessly try to smile and please her.] Oh yes, that's much better.

RORY

So who else is joining us?

EMILY

No one. We brought one of Richard's coats to hang over the chair.

RICHARD

We're saying it's Marjorie's husband.

EMILY

He's making the rounds and at about eight he'll get sick and have to leave.

RICHARD

Does everybody understand the story?

LORELAI

I think so. But then we'll have to hide his jacket. So I suggest I put it under my dress and pretend to be pregnant, then Jason can pretend to be the doctor, then Rory can dig a tunnel, and --

EMILY

I might have known you'd turn this into something ridiculous, Lorelai.

RORY

Yeah, I wanna be the doctor.

EMILY

Oh good Lord. And Jason, move closer to Lorelai. And for God's sake, you two, at least act like you like each other.

JASON

Hey, your mom said.

T.J.

Hey, there you are.

LUKE

Yes here I am, at my job. Will wonders never cease?

T.J.

Major party happening outside.

LUKE

So I hear.

T.J.

You gotta see it.

LUKE

Well, I'm sure you can see enough for the both of us.

T.J.

Big fire, crazy punch, too. Seriously, man, come on out. You won't believe it.

LUKE

No, T.J., actually, I will believe it, because, see, I live here, so I've seen this festival, oh let's say, about five thousand times.

T.J.

Yes, I see your point. Okay, well, Liz and I are taking off right after the festivities, so maybe you can come out and say sayonara.

LUKE

I'll come out as soon as I can.

T.J.

Great. How long do you think?

LUKE

How long I think what?

T.J.

How long do you think you will be doing that?

LUKE

I don't know.

T.J.

Looks like you're almost done.

LUKE

Well I'm not.

T.J.

The stack is getting pretty small.

LUKE

Look, I will be out soon, okay?

T.J.

Okay. I am going to hold you to that.

LUKE

I consider myself warned.

SPEAKER

The importance cannot be overstated. Language is humanity's lifeline. That is why I thank each and every one of you for your loyal support of the Ephram Wordus Rare Manuscript Acquisition Foundation. Because without it, we would just be stuck rooting around Nag Hammadi.

LORELAI

Psst! I don't get it.

RORY

Me neither.

LORELAI

You go to Yale.

RORY

Well, I skipped Obscure Manuscript Humor 101.

LORELAI

[To Jason] Hey, why was that funny?

JASON

No -- no idea.

LORELAI

You were laughing.

JASON

Take a poll. No one in this room has any idea what this crazy old man is talking about.

LORELAI

What a bunch of poseurs.

SPEAKER

...hundreds of literary artifacts which might otherwise have been lost.

JASON

How far do you think we can push this?

LORELAI

I'm not sure.

JASON

Dancing?

LORELAI

Possibly.

JASON

Stroll on the terrace?

LORELAI

Passable.

JASON

Making out in the coat-check room?

LORELAI

Oh, that's going to be tricky.

SPEAKER

So, once again, I thank you and I hope you all have a lovely evening.

RICHARD

I'm going to go find Feriman.

EMILY

I have to say hello to Babe Wellington.

LORELAI

Mom, how much longer do Jason and I have to pretend to be together?

EMILY

Lorelai, don't do this to me. Until this evening is over, you are together and I don't want to discuss it again.

LORELAI

Fine.

LORELAI

[to Jason] I just secured us the coatroom.

JASON

Let's go.

LORELAI

I'm going to make out in the coatroom. Don't eat my chicken.

RORY

That's going on your tombstone.

FLOYD STILES

Jason.

JASON

Oh, hello. I didn't know you'd be here.

FLOYD

You look well.

JASON

Thank you. How is business?

FLOYD

Very good.

FLOYD

How's your golf game?

JASON

Well it certainly can't match yours but I'm catching up.

FLOYD

Well, when you're ready...

JASON

I'll give you a call.

FLOYD

Fine. Good to see you again.

JASON

Same to you.

LORELAI

Well, who was that?

JASON

My father.

RORY

Your father?

LORELAI

And you two have met before?

JASON

Yes, briefly. I believe there was an Aquaman party involved.

LORELAI

Oh, man. This business thing must have been really bad for you guys.

JASON

What do you mean?

LORELAI

I mean, that was so cold. You talked like you barely knew each other.

JASON

Oh, no, no, we've always been like that.

LORELAI

You're kidding.

JASON

No, actually, asking me about my golf game was actually a little too touchy-feely for me.

LORELAI

Wow, who would have thought I would ever put my mother next to someone and think, "warm?"

RICHARD

Jason, I just heard your father was here.

LORELAI

How could you possibly have found that out this quickly?

RICHARD

Well, news travels fast here. People talk. So, what did Floyd say?

JASON

Well--

EMILY

Richard, Floyd was just here.

LORELAI

We know, Mom, we saw him.

EMILY

He came by the table? What nerve.

LORELAI

How dare he talk to his son.

EMILY

Be quiet, Lorelai.

RICHARD

If he's here he must have a motive.

EMILY

That's right. He never cared about rare manuscripts before.

RICHARD

Hm. He must be trying to get information.

JASON

Richard, I don't think he had an agenda.

RICHARD

What was his body language like?

LORELAI

Well, he was breathing and standing. I think all signs point to alive.

RICHARD

What did he ask you about?

JASON

He asked me about my golf game.

RICHARD

Not the business?

JASON

No.

RICHARD

Oh, oh, oh. He's tricky.

LORELAI

He didn't ask about the business, Dad, okay?

RICHARD

I know he didn't ask about the business, Lorelai. That was deliberate.

LORELAI

So he wanted to know nothing on purpose? The fiend.

EMILY

Please, stay out of it.

RICHARD

He is planning something. Jason, I think we should strategize.

JASON

Richard, I really don't think--

RICHARD

I have been doing this a lot longer than you have, my boy. If a man like Floyd Stiles comes over to you and does not ask about the business, you can be sure that something very big is coming.

JASON

Uh, I guess I have to go. If you'll excuse me, ladies.

EMILY

Bye. Nobody was believing you two as a couple anyway.

KIRK

[into walkie-talkie] This is Bird Dog One to Bird Dog Two. The southwest corner is secure.

JOE

I'm at the southwest corner, Kirk.

KIRK

Then where the hell am I?

CARRIE

Well, look who finally came out of his cave.

LUKE

Oh, Carrie. What a coincidence.

CARRIE

You remember Anna, Jill.

LUKE

Hello, Anna. Hello, Jill.

CARRIE

We just came from the reunion so we're a little tipsy.

LUKE

Ah, well, you know, drink water, and take some aspirin before you go to bed.

CARRIE

I told them that you're trying to pretend that you don't remember the night.

LUKE

I don't remember the night.

JILL

I remember the night.

ANNA

The whole reunion remembered the night

JILL

We all talked about it.

LUKE

Terrific.

ANNA

Everybody had a crush on Butch Danes in high school.

JILL

So serious, so intense.

CARRIE

So hot in those tiny little shorts.

LUKE

Okay, I should go find Liz.

CARRIE

Oh, I'll help you find her.

LUKE

Oh, no, I don't wanna break up the party.

ANNA

Oh, well, there's always room for a foursome.

LUKE

So twenty years later, none of you are married?

CARRIE

Oh, no, we're all married.

ANNA

Oh, there's Liz.

JILL

They're not gonna run out of punch are they?

CARRIE

They never run out of punch.

LUKE

Oh, okay, well, I should go.

CARRIE

Wait, we're all going to the Styx/REO Speedwagon/Journey concert next week. We have an extra ticket if you're interested.

LUKE

Oh, wow. If it was just Styx and REO Speedwagon, I'd be there, but Journey freaks me out. Sorry. Enjoy the festival.

T.J.

So there's a line a mile long, the place is going crazy for the earrings.

LIZ

Oh, come on T.J.

T.J.

Hey, I'm just telling it how it is. The last fair we went, the line was so long it blocked the fruit-ice stand. And traditionally the fruit-ice people are not the nicest people on the circuit but you block their stand and they really go crazy. They threw lemon rinds. But it didn't matter. Most people stayed and they bought plenty.

LIZ

Well, people seem to like my stuff.

T.J.

We're heading to Minnesota next month. Big fair there. And this time we're unveiling the booth.

PATTY

The booth?

LIZ

T.J. just built me the greatest booth. You should see it.

T.J.

Well, you've gotta have a good booth. It's the first thing people see. Earrings are small. You don't know they're there until you're right up on them, but a booth and a nice sign? A person's standing at the jousting match, they turn around and,"Hey, look at that booth with the nice sign." They come over, take a look at Lizzie's stuff, and bam, they're hooked.

PATTY

Well, Luke, nice of you to join us.

LIZ

Oh hi, Luke, I didn't see you there.

LUKE

Yeah, well, I heard you were leaving right after the festival, so--

LIZ

I'm so glad that you came out.

PATTY

See you later, Liz.

LIZ

Can you believe this thing? It hasn't changed one bit since we were kids.

LUKE

Yeah, same crazy gathering that Mom would take us to.

LIZ

And then Dad after she died.

LUKE

He hated it worse than we did. He only took us 'cause Mom liked it.

LIZ

Of course, that Founder's Day punch...

LUKE

Lethal.

LIZ

The first time I ever threw up on booze it was Founder's Day punch.

LUKE

That's a nice story.

LIZ

Hey, listen, I'm sorry about Jess.

LUKE

Boy, that statement could encompass a whole myriad of things.

LIZ

I'm sorry I told you I wasn't in touch with him. It's just been the last six months he started calling and he asked me not to tell you, so I was trying to bond or something. I just mentioned the car to him. I didn't know he'd come back here and try to take it.

LUKE

It's okay. It's his car and he should have it.

LIZ

I'm just trying to make things better with us.

LUKE

You should. It's fine.

LIZ

I have a feeling about him. I think he's going to be okay. He's kinda like Dad, don't you think?

LUKE

Oh, I don't know.

LIZ

Oh, I do. I think he's like Dad. I want to thank you for everything that you did for him.

LUKE

Well it never hurts to take a shot. At least you know you tried.

LIZ

Sometimes things take a while before they sink in. It did with me. Sorry, I'm so boring tonight. I only had one cup of punch. Gary switched us over to club soda after that.

LUKE

You're not boring. Who's Gary?

LIZ

That's T.J.'s real name.

LUKE

T.J.'s real name is Gary?

LIZ

Yeah.

LUKE

Gary?

LIZ

Yeah.

LUKE

How the heck did he get - Never mind. I heard him talking back there, Gary. It sounds like things are going pretty good.

LIZ

They are. Really good.

LUKE

Good, good.

LIZ

Oh, hey, wait. I just made these last night. You can give them to your wife. Or Lorelai. Whoever...

LUKE

Thanks.

LIZ

Well, I'm going get my stuff together. We need to leave soon. Tell Gary I went back to your place.

LUKE

I'll do that.

LIZ

See you.

LORELAI

Gone for the rest of the night. W're stuck with the rolling pins. God! So boring!

RORY

I am starving.

LORELAI

What? The possibly beef and some sort of cream sauce did nothing to curb your appetite?

RORY

Do you want to start with burgers or do a cart-to-cart attack?

LORELAI

Well, there's two of us. I think we can accomplish both goals.

RORY

I'm going to get the burgers, you hit the carts.

LORELAI

I'll meet you by the bonfire.

RORY

Okay.

LUKE

T.J.

T.J.

Hi, you're here. Cool.

LUKE

Yeah, so, Liz is back at my place getting your stuff, she just wanted me to tell you.

T.J.

Okay. Thanks.

LUKE

So look, I kind of heard you guys talking, and things seem to be going pretty good for Liz which is different, and a nice change, and I know that you guys are thinking about moving here, and I just wanted you to know, it's okay by me.

T.J.

Okay. I didn't realize we needed your permission.

LUKE

Oh, no. You don't. Maybe you misunderstood me here. I was just trying to say that I assumed because my sister has a history with guys, you know, that, you know, you were like the others. But, well, you seem like a pretty good guy.

T.J.

Thanks. You're a dick.

LORELAI

So, I just heard the tail end of that conversation and I'm assuming you haven't changed your name to Richard?

LUKE

Long, long story. I'll tell you later, but here's a teaser: the word Etch-A-Sketch comes up.

LORELAI

I'm hooked.

LUKE

You're all dressed up.

LORELAI

Just for you.

LUKE

You go somewhere?

LORELAI

Well, my parents had a charity event and they needed a chair filled and who fills a chair better than I?

LUKE

No one comes to mind.

LORELAI

So, did Jess leave yet?

LUKE

I stopped by Gypsy's earlier and she was just about done then, so probably.

LORELAI

No good-byes?

LUKE

No. Liz has a feeling about him, though. She thinks he's gonna be fine.

LORELAI

He could be.

LUKE

Yeah. Oh, hey, here.

LORELAI

Pretty.

LUKE

Liz made them yesterday. She wanted you to have them.

LORELAI

Oh, great. Well, be sure to tell her thanks for me.

LUKE

I will.

JESS

There.

GYPSY

Thank you for your business. Do not come again.

JESS

Not likely.

RORY

I get to leave first!

JESS

Rory, wait! Stop!

RORY

No, you don't get to walk away!

JESS

Hold on!

RORY

My town! I leave!

JESS

I just wanna--where are you going?

RORY

None of your business!

JESS

We look like idiots.

RORY

I don't care!

JESS

Stop running!

RORY

Stop following!

JESS

Oh, come on!

RORY

Go away, I'm leaving!

JESS

Rory, stop!

RORY

Why?

JESS

Because I wanna talk to you.

RORY

About what? What do you want to talk to me about?

JESS

When did you learn to run like that?

RORY

You know, I have actually thought about this moment. A lot. What would Jess say to me I ever saw him again? I mean, he just took off, no note, no call, nothing, how could he explain that? And then a year goes by. No word, nothing, so he couldn't possibly have a good excuse for that, right? I have imagined hundreds of different scenarios with a hundred different great last parting lines, and I have to tell you that I am actually very curious to see which way this is going to go.

JESS

Could we sit down?

RORY

No. You wanted to talk, so talk. What do you have to say to me?

JESS

I love you.