T4E15: “Scene in a Mall”

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

Hey!

LORELAI

[chuckles and reaches for food on plates he is serving] Ow!

LUKE

Don't.

LORELAI

Ohh. [feigns disappointed]

LUKE

You okay?

LORELAI

Well, you hurt my feelings just now.

LUKE

No, I mean you doing okay with everything?

LORELAI

You're referring to my meltdown in the park.

LUKE

It wasn't a meltdown.

LORELAI

Oh, it was a meltdown. They're making it into a movie -- "Meltdown in the Park." Don't worry, it's just a working title. Baz Luhrmann's directing. And the movie Luke wears tights and sings.

LUKE

But you're okay?

LORELAI

Thanks to my knight in shining armor.

LUKE

Ah, well...

LORELAI

I just hope Alec Baldwin captures your rare essence.

LUKE

And slims down a little for the role. I should deliver these.

LORELAI

Can I work on my laptop?

LUKE

Does it make noise?

LORELAI

No, but I sometimes do.

LUKE

You always do.

LORELAI

Thanks.

LUKE

Kirk.

KIRK

Luke.

LUKE

What's with the -

KIRK

It's not a purse!

LUKE

I wasn't gonna say "purse."

KIRK

Oh... Sorry.

LUKE

What's with the gay bag?

KIRK

It's a dog carrier. My girlfriend's gone out of town with some friends, and I'm watching Buster for her. And they're girlfriends, not guys. I called the hotel she booked and verified that it's a girl's name on the register with her. Not that I don't trust her.

LUKE

Clearly.

KIRK

Over there okay?

LUKE

Sure. Carol, Danny, Jamie, Sean, Chris?

KIRK

What's that?

LUKE

Just a list of guys' names that could be girls. You want coffee?

KIRK

Yes.

LUKE

What is this?

LORELAI

Phone cord.

LUKE

I can't have this here.

LORELAI

Don't worry. It's not plugged in to your regular line. It's the fax line you put in a year ago that you never use.

LUKE

You mean the fax line you made me put in to get in fax orders, even though no one has ever wanted to put in a fax order, and I never got the fax machine, like I told you I would never, ever get the fax machine, making the fax line pointless.

LORELAI

Hold on... Let me get on the "Guinness World Records" website. [clicking on her keyboard] Yes, that's the most times anyone has ever used the word "fax" in a sentence.

LUKE

Just be quick with this.

LORELAI

Man, I love e-mail. Every day Rory and I write each other multiple times. It's great.

LUKE

You enjoy typing to people more than talking to them?

LORELAI

Wrong perspective. E-mail is a return to the romantic days of letter writing. It's pure Dickens.

LUKE

Why Dickens?

LORELAI

It's just when I picture letter writing, I picture Charles Dickens.

LUKE

Charles Dickens wrote more letters than other people?

LORELAI

No, it's just I can easily picture him in his study with his dog and his pipe and his fancy feathered pen, writing [British accent] "Cheerio, old bean. Have a cup of tea. How's Big Ben? How's the Tower of London, Sister Suffragette? Tuppence a bag."

LUKE

Sounds like an idiot. [struggles to crawl under phone cord]

CAESAR

Hey, Luke, coffee?.

LUKE

[struggles back under cord] Oh, this is embarrassing.

LORELAI

I could unplug, but then I'd just have to start the whole process all over again.

LUKE

Or you could just eat here and save e-mailing for when you're...excuse me [A delayed realization sinks in and he walks over to Kirk's table.] You have a dog there?

KIRK

No. Why?

LUKE

Just putting two and two together.

KIRK

Well, it's coming out five. Buster is at home, asleep.

LUKE

Mm-hmm. Okay. What'll you have?

KIRK

Oatmeal, extra brown sugar on the side, and a pound of raw hamburger. [sees Luke's dark expression] Or just the oatmeal will be fine.

LORELAI

Voila!

LUKE

This does nothing.

LORELAI

It makes it easier to limbo under.

LUKE

This is my place. I shouldn't have to limbo.

KIRK

[high voice] You still sleepy?

LORELAI

[glances over at Kirk's table] Why is Kirk talking to his man purse?

KIRK

You got sleepy face. You have to tinkle? [realizes he's being watched and nnonchalantlyreaches into bag] Uh, where is that? Just looking for my Lucky magazine, and, uh...ow! [ Grunts ] Paper cut.

PARIS

What are you doing?

RORY

Getting a drink.

PARIS

You're sick.

RORY

Hence the fluids.

PARIS

When you came out of our room, did you use the doorknob?

RORY

As opposed to dematerializing, passing vapor-like through the wall, then rematerializing out here? No, I used the doorknob.

PARIS

For the love of God, I begged you not to touch anything. [Paris sprays an aerosol can over the doorknob.]

RORY

I'm not contagious anymore. Paris, stop!

PARIS

I'm not getting sick.

RORY

That's your deodorant.

PARIS

Then what the hell did I spray under my arms?

RORY

That's mine. [answers] Hello.

LANE

Guess where I'm standing.

RORY

I don't know but you sound a little echoey.

LANE

I'm standing in the living room of my very own apartment!

RORY

You're kidding.

LANE

I'm waiting for the gas man. The gas man! Isn't that great? I've got gas! Ignore the word. Just focus on the enthusiasm.

RORY

How are you affording this?

LANE

I'm sharing it with Zack and Brian.

RORY

You're living with the band?

LANE

It's totally innocent, I have my own room, and they're gonna sleep in the living room.

RORY

That is so cool. When do you move your stuff in?

LANE

Tomorrow. That is if my mom hasn't sold it all by now. Hey, you sound a little stuffed.

RORY

I've been sick, but it's mostly deodorant stench I'm suffering from at the moment.

LANE

Oh, my God! My first mail is here! It's a Chinese menu.

RORY

Frame it or something.

LANE

I will. I've gotta go, I'll call you later.

RORY

Bye. [glances over at bedroom doorway where Paris is holding cigarette lighter flame under the door knob.] Oh, that's not dangerous.

PARIS

Fire kills germs. [holding shirt over nose as Rory passes by] And I'm sleeping with one of the other girls tonight.

RORY

How very "The L Word".

LUKE

You done?

LORELAI

Oh yes, your limboing days are over, my friend. Thanks for putting up with me.

LUKE

Well, I only fell once.

LORELAI

And gracefully. Bye.

LUKE

Wait a minute. Hold on.

LORELAI

Why? [Luke glances around covertly] You're making me nervous.

LUKE

Just, uh... [slides an envelope over to her] here.

LORELAI

What's this?

LUKE

It's what it is.

LORELAI

[hold envelope to forehead] "A monk, a trunk, and a skunk."

LUKE

What are you doing?

LORELAI

Carnak, although I don't have a punch line. Never stopped Johnny.

LUKE

Put that down. Hide it.

LORELAI

What is it?

LUKE

Open it later.

LORELAI

A check to me for $30,000.

LUKE

Shh!

LORELAI

Luke, this is the money I was gonna ask you for.

LUKE

And you did ask, and there it is.

LORELAI

But I didn't. Not officially. I blubbered an amount to you, and we didn't get to talk about a repayment schedule.

LUKE

It's okay.

LORELAI

Or interest or collateral. I had charts and projections. I wanted to take you out to a nice dinner.

LUKE

So send me a Honeybaked Ham.

LORELAI

But this is wrong. This is not how you do these things.

LUKE

I don't know how to do these things. Will you just take the money?

LORELAI

I'm sorry, we at least have to go over the basics. [She pulls out napkin and scribbles on it.]

LUKE

I don't want to read that.

LORELAI

Well, I'm not leaving until you read this napkin. [She pushes the napkin over to Luke.]

LUKE

Okay. [He reads and edits the napkin.] Fine. Okay? That's okay. That's too much. That's sufficient. [He passes the napkin back to Lorelai.]

LORELAI

Okay, but what about this? [She writes something down and passes it back.]

LUKE

Nicole?!

LORELAI

Hey! I thought we were writing and sliding.

LUKE

What about Nicole?

LORELAI

I need to know her role.

LUKE

There is none.

LORELAI

Luke, if it's joint money, then I should acknowledge that and thank her the next time I see her...

LUKE

You're not gonna see her. Now, can we stop talking about this whole thing?

LORELAI

Okay, but I insist on typing up something legal and binding for this loan.

LUKE

Okay, okay. I really just don't want to talk about this anymore.

LORELAI

Okay. We'll dot the Is and cross the Ts another day.

LUKE

Yes, we'll cross and dot.

LORELAI

I just have to write down one more thing.

LUKE

What! [impatiently] What is so important now? [reads the napkin] You're welcome.

LORELAI

Hi. [The maid exits quickly.]

EMILY

[enters speaking impatiently on a cordless phone] Gilmore -- Richard and Emily Gilmore. Look, we single-handedly put your restaurant on the map by praising your crab puffs at Eunice Pierpont Pennington's granddaughter's christening.

LORELAI

Hi, Mom. [follows and waves to Emily]

EMILY

[still speaking into phone] Oh, really? You're new there? Because your deft handling of this phone call displays all the signs of a seasoned and experienced hand. [brief pause] Yes, go get Trey. That's a smashing idea. [to Lorelai] Painful hello.

LORELAI

What's going on? [removes coat]

EMILY

You couldn't see the smoke from Stars Hollow? Lettie burned the entrée.

LORELAI

Beyond edibility? 'Cause I'm not picky.

EMILY

No, I could not expose you to such a loin.

LORELAI

Oh, if I had a nickel.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

So you had a burning loin.

EMILY

And now I'm fighting to squeeze us into somewhere appropriate.

LORELAI

Someone to take pity on the loinless.

EMILY

Is that how you're dressed?

LORELAI

Is this a trick question?

EMILY

It's really not appropriate to go out in.

LORELAI

Well, I did not foresee your burning loin.

EMILY

Stop saying that word.

LORELAI

When will I get this chance again?

EMILY

I've seen that on you a dozen times. You really should update your wardrobe.

LORELAI

My wardrobe is fine, Mom.

EMILY

The summer lines are coming out. You should hit a store.

RICHARD

No need for you to hit any more stores, Emily. You've done enough shopping for a lifetime. For Methuselah's lifetime. [to his daughter] Hello, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hi, Dad.

EMILY

I didn't say I was going shopping, Richard.

RICHARD

It's an instinct that requires no verbalization.

EMILY

I was suggesting that your daughter update her wardrobe.

RICHARD

No need to spread your disease either.

EMILY

Richard!

LORELAI

Really Dad, don't read more into this than what it is: just humiliating me.

RICHARD

Ah.

EMILY

I should hang up and let you both starve.

RICHARD

What do you mean, starve? What happened to dinner?

EMILY

I told you not five minutes ago that dinner was ruined.

RICHARD

Did you?

EMILY

Yes.

RICHARD

I heard the word "loin," but I didn't think you meant dinner. [grins]

LORELAI

Eh...This is making me very uncomfortable.

EMILY

That's because you half listen to everything I say. [to phone] Yes, I'm still here. Good, check with him. [to Richard] I think we have a shot at Bastide.

RICHARD

Isn't that a little drab?

EMILY

We love Bastide.

RICHARD

You love Bastide. Why don't we try that place Jason took me to last week? A lot of hip clientele. He pointed out Moby to me. He's that bald musician.

LORELAI

Yep, that's pretty hip, Dad.

EMILY

When did you have dinner with Moby?

RICHARD

Moby was just there. Jason played me some of his music later. I liked it.

EMILY

We're going to Bastide, but don't fret. Maybe the Beatles will be there and you can sit in and jam with them.

RICHARD

Two of the Beatles are dead, Emily.

EMILY

Only one is dead.

RICHARD

No, a second Beatle died just recently. Lorelai?

LORELAI

Could you press the "pause" button on this conversation? I really want Rory to hear the rest of it.

EMILY

If we're going to Bastide, you should change your jacket, Richard.

RICHARD

All right.

EMILY

And please shave that moustache, I beg of you.

RICHARD

I want to see what it looks like fully grown, Emily. That was the agreement.

EMILY

Well, it looks like a caterpillar now. In two weeks it'll look like a bigger caterpillar.

RICHARD

Very funny.

EMILY

I'm not trying to be funny.

RICHARD

I will shave it when I shave it. [moves to stairs]

EMILY

[into phone] Yes. Yes, we'll be there. Thank you. [to Richard] Wait! They said they can take us if we can be there in five minutes and order as quickly as possible.

RICHARD

Well it'll take longer than that.

EMILY

Not if we move.

RICHARD

What about my jacket?

EMILY

Doesn't matter. They'll be staring at your moustache.

RICHARD

Emily.

EMILY

Come on. Scoot, scoot. And be thinking about what you want.

LORELAI

Whoa, just one little problem here. Rory?

EMILY

What about her?

LORELAI

She's not here yet.

EMILY

She's not coming.

LORELAI

She's not coming?

EMILY

No, she's been sick all week. I told her to stay in her dorm and rest.

LORELAI

She's been sick?

EMILY

Didn't you know?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, I knew.

EMILY

[hurries out the door] I'm having sea bass. Think, think.

RICHARD

Mm-hmm. [He shuts the door behind him.]

LORELAI

I knew it. [She dials the phone.]

RORY

Hello?

LORELAI

We have an e-mail relationship.

RORY

Hi.

LORELAI

[gasps] She speaks. She has the ability.

RORY

What's wrong?

LORELAI

Are you okay? Are you sick?

RORY

I'm getting over a cold. You knew that.

LORELAI

No, I didn't, because our once-wonderful relationship -- envy of all the world, more intimate than that of the naked couple in the "love is..." cartoons -- has degenerated into e-mail correspondence.

RORY

I'm sure I wrote that I had a cold.

LORELAI

No, you didn't.

RORY

In all those e-mails, I didn't mention it?

LORELAI

All those e-mails? I'm sorry, but you write less than the people offering to enlarge a piece of anatomy I do not possess.

RORY

I could have sworn I told you.

LORELAI

I just reread every e-mail you sent in the past ten days. No sickness mention, but you did share these gems: "Hey, what up? Is it freezing there, too? Ice." And, "Whew. Pooped." Then you added one of those obnoxious hieroglyphics that I can never read that are supposed to indicate you're laughing or smiling or frowning or vomiting. I don't know what.

RORY

That's a typo. I don't do cutesy symbols.

LORELAI

You're not even using verbs. That's not a relationship. Relationships need verbs.

RORY

Well yours aren't much better.

LORELAI

I'm not saying they are.

RORY

I can never get you on the phone.

LORELAI

[gasps] I can never get you!

RORY

You got me now.

LORELAI

Freak of nature. What do you look like. Do you look the same?

RORY

Hold on. My nose ring is itching.

LORELAI

Don't kid. I'm mad and needy, and I ended up going out to dinner alone with my parents, who bickered the whole time about which Beatle is alive and which is dead.

RORY

So, where'd they land?

LORELAI

John and Keith are dead. Paul and Bingo are still kicking. Play hooky tomorrow.

RORY

From what?

LORELAI

I don't know. Whatever you got. I know you're always busy, but let's do something.

RORY

What about the inn?

LORELAI

They can live without me for a day.

RORY

Tomorrow's actually good.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

There's a newspaper thing, but I can skip that.

LORELAI

Cool! What do we do?

RORY

I don't know.

LORELAI

Mom said the summer clothing lines are out. Want to go shopping? We haven't done that in ages.

RORY

But we're both totally skint.

LORELAI

Huh? We're what?

RORY

We're skint -- broke. It's British.

LORELAI

Oh man, you've learned to speak British. I didn't even know about it.

RORY

You know what I mean.

LORELAI

So we won't buy anything. We'll just window-shop.

RORY

That could be fun.

LORELAI

It'll be like we're in an old movie, y'know? Walking around, window-shopping like Roz Russell and Ava Gardner on Fifth Avenue.

RORY

I'm with you.

LORELAI

Meet me at the inn, 10:00?

RORY

But it's been so long. How will we recognize each other?

LORELAI

We'll wear a rose in our lapels.

RORY

Or dangling from my nose ring.

LORELAI

You're kidding about that, right?

RORY

I'm leaving you in suspense.

LORELAI

Tomorrow at 10:00, Roz darling?

RORY

Till tomorrow, Ava dearest.

KIRK

Look out. Coming through.

LUKE

What's with all the dogs, Kirk?

KIRK

Well, people in town saw how good I was with Lulu's dog that they asked me to watch theirs -- for a fee, of course.

LUKE

What are you looking for?

KIRK

Shh. Come on. [He walks around corner followed by Luke.] It's a game I'm playing with the dogs -- tracker. See, I cut one of them loose, and then the rest of us hide until we get tracked down. At the moment, we're hiding from Snuggles.

LUKE

We are?

KIRK

It helps them hone their tracking skills, and the kids love it.

LUKE

What kids?

KIRK

The babies. The dogs.

LUKE

You ever the one that gets cut loose?

KIRK

I've gone twice. Shh. Snuggles. Cute, but not the smartest tool in the shed. [small shaggy dog crosses the street - pauses and runs straight to Kirk] He found us! Celebrate! Come on, Luke. Celebrate!

LUKE

I'll have a beer tonight.

KIRK

Beer? Oh, no! We don't like beer. Beer is bad. Cookies! [all the dogs leap up onto Kirk] Cookies! Cookies! Cookies! Cookies! Celebrate! Cookies! [Dog barks]

TOM

Hi, Rory.

RORY

Hi, Tom. How's it going?

TOM

Not half bad.

RORY

Then it's half good.

TOM

That makes it sound better than it is.

RORY

Kinda the point.

TOM

What's with the flower?

RORY

It's so my Mom and I will recognize each other.

TOM

Girl thing?

RORY

Yeah.

TOM

I'm not into girl things.

RORY

You're a contractor.

TOM

Yep. Later.

RORY

Oh, excuse me. Can I have your autograph?

DEAN

What?

RORY

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were one of the Village People.

DEAN

Ouch. [grinning]

RORY

I'm kidding. I'm a kidder.

DEAN

What are you doing here?

RORY

I'm meeting my mom here. We're playing hooky.

DEAN

The flower's a private joke for her?

RORY

You know me well.

DEAN

Yeah, I do. -- So, um, you okay and all?

RORY

Yeah. Oh, that. I'm fine now. A little nervous breakdown can really work wonders for a girl. I didn't mean to lay all that on you.

DEAN

That's what shoulders are for.

RORY

Well, you've got a heck of an understanding shoulder.

DEAN

Hey, you want to hammer something?

RORY

Always.

DEAN

Be my guest. [hands her a hammer]

RORY

Really?

DEAN

Yeah, Tom went outside. Do it. Go on. [He holds a piece of wooden stair trim for her.]

RORY

I feel like I should spit or hike up my shorts or something. [She taps the hammer on the trim.]

DEAN

Wow. You're a natural.

RORY

I think I must have been a carpenter in another life, or just someone who really hated nails.

LINDSAY

Hi, Rory.

RORY

Oh, hi, Lindsay.

DEAN

[approaches and kisses Lindsay] Hi.

LINDSAY

Are we early?

DEAN

No, not at all.

LINDSAY

Mom and I just wanted to get a nice jump on things today.

THERESA

Did Lindsay tell you we found a new dry cleaner?

DEAN

No.

THERESA

Tell him, Lindsay!

LINDSAY

They use less solvent, so it's cleaner. [to Rory] I'm really into the environment.

RORY

Oh, me too.

LINDSAY

So, are you working here?

RORY

No, that was illegal hammering. Completely nonunion. Come the revolution, I shall be shot.

THERESA

Let's set up lunch before everything gets cold.

LINDSAY

Okay [They walk to a nearby table.]

RORY

Lunch? This early?

THERESA

Our Deano's up at 5:00.

RORY

Deano?

LINDSAY

Don't worry. Mom made lunch today, so it's safe to eat.

DEAN

Lindsay's mom is teaching her how to cook.

LINDSAY

It's hard. Do you know how?

RORY

If you count radiator quesadillas.

THERESA

I should have started teaching you sooner. Don't make that mistake with your little one.

RORY

[whispers] Are you...? [Dean shakes his head no and joins Lindsay and Theresa.]

LORELAI

Rory? Rory? Rory? [Gasps as she stops before a large, gruff looking construction worker near Rory. To construction worker] Rory! Rory! Rory!

RORY

[pretends laughter] Ha ha.

LORELAI

[to the construction worker] You're never going to attract a man looking like that.

RORY

Over here, biddy bidster.

LORELAI

Oh, bye. [approaches Rory and hugs her] Hi. Oh, you wore a rose!

RORY

That was the agreement.

LORELAI

Hey, Lindsay. Hey, Theresa.

LINDSAY AND THERESA

Hi.

LORELAI

You ready?

RORY

Let's go.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

Hey, how often does this happen? [subtly indicating in Lindsay and Theresa's direction]

LORELAI

Oh, well, it's a hot lunch every day. Plus they always bring something for the group. Yesterday it was peanut brittle Lindsay made. It broke a crown, three teeth, then a HazMat team came and took it away. [exit]

LORELAI

They put everything on pretzels nowadays. I love that

RORY

You're our new best friend, Howard.

LORELAI

We don't say that to just anybody.

RORY

Just anybody holding free food.

LORELAI

We'll be back.

RORY

Stock up.

LORELAI

Okay, here we go.

RORY

Where should we start?

LORELAI

Well, we're window-shopping, so let's find a window.

RORY

I see rows and rows of windows.

LORELAI

Hey, let's walk arm in arm like window-shopping ladies do in movies.

RORY

You got it.

LORELAI

I wish I'd brought a xylophone with me. There's always a bouncy xylophone playing when movie girls window-shop. [at top of escalator] So, left or right?

RORY

Let's go right.

LORELAI

Okay.

LORELAI

Oh, cool.

RORY

Oh, that would look great on you.

LORELAI

I love blue.

RORY

You should make a mental note to get that when you're back in the cash.

LORELAI

Done.

RORY

Shall we?

LORELAI

Let's shall.

RORY

Oh, sorry.

LORELAI

One of the risks of linked-arm walking.

MRS. KIM

Lane.

LANE

Hello.

MRS. KIM

Come in.

LANE

Thank you.

LANE

Hello, Aunt Jun.

AUNT JUN

Hello.

MRS. KIM

Your Aunt Jun brought your cousin Christine to help with your move. Say hello to Christine.

LANE

Hello, Christine.

CHRISTINE

Hello, Lane.

MRS. KIM

Jun and I will remain down here while you move. You may use whatever boxes you need, plus bubble wrap and tape. Just write down what you take for inventory purposes.

LANE

I will. Thank you.

MRS. KIM

You're welcome.

AUNT JUN

Go with Lane, Christine.

CHRISTINE

[babbles shrilly] I don't believe it! You're moving! What happened? Tell me everything! Was there a fight? Are you getting married? No female Kim has ever moved out without getting married. You're not getting married, right? I love the floorboard thing! It's so "Hogan's Heroes!" I wonder if I can pull up the floorboards at my house. Have you heard of the Libertines? What about the White Stripes? Is it over for them? What about Zeppelin? I'm getting more retro. What's a good Zeppelin?

CHRISTINE

"II," "III"? "III"'s got "Stairway to Heaven," right? Man, it's like a funeral down there. I thought my mom was harsh, but your mom makes the guy from Joy Division look like one of the Teletubbies. Are you taking all of this? Is she going through the boxes before you leave? Where do you buy the CDs with the swear words? Did you buy them in disguise? Did someone buy them for you? Have you ever --

LANE

Hey Kid, do I look green and wrinkly to you? No? That's right. I'm not Yoda. So if you're looking for a mentor, call the Dalai Lama. What I'm here to do is get my stuff and split. Now be quiet and start assembling boxes. And "Stairway to Heaven" is from "Led Zeppelin IV." If you're going to get into classic rock, know it, don't blow it! [ Sighs and resumes packing ]

CHRISTINE

[whispering] Do you have a car? Are you getting a car? Do you have a license? Are Kims allowed to drive? I'm dying to drive.

LANE

[sighs] I left the inventory list in the room.

MRS. KIM

Very good.

LANE

I guess I'll be going.

MRS. KIM

Yes.

AUNT JUN

Step away from Lane, Christine.

LORELAI

Oh, that's nice.

RORY

Which?

LORELAI

That. [pointing]

RORY

The skirt and the blouse?

LORELAI

Yeah. More the skirt than the blouse.

RORY

I like them both.

LORELAI

Good colors

RORY

Oh, they have nice-looking jackets.

LORELAI

Where?

RORY

In the back there. [pointing]

LORELAI

Oh, cute. [half-heartedly]

RORY

Mental note.

LORELAI

Absolutely. Next window?

RORY

Sure.

LORELAI

Okay, this sucks.

RORY

Completely.

LORELAI

This is the least amount of fun I've ever had, barring the time we went to Mummenschanz.

RORY

Oh, this is way less fun.

LORELAI

Window-shopping? What was I thinking?

RORY

But it sounds fun. It should be fun.

LORELAI

Not if you think about it. I mean, window-shopping is like going to a museum, but you're actually interested in what you're looking at, and everyone can buy something except for you.

RORY

I've made so many mental notes in my head of things to get that I think my head has actually gotten bigger.

LORELAI

Look at all these haughty people with their bags, just rubbing our faces in it. What were Roz Russell and Ava Gardner thinking?

RORY

What movie did you see them window-shop in?

LORELAI

I don't know that I did. I just picked two old movie-actress names. I don't know that I've seen anyone window-shop in a movie ever.

RORY

So, this whole outing was a house of sand built on a foundation of straw.

LORELAI

Hey, maybe if we went in the store, it would be better.

RORY

Well, it would be way better than just pressing our noses up against the windows.

RORY

Nope.

LORELAI

Worse!

RORY

Much worse.

LORELAI

Time to pull the plug, hon.

RORY

But what do we do? It's still morning.

LORELAI

We could ride the glass elevator up and down.

RORY

Oh, God, we're sad.

LORELAI

They've got a merry-go-round.

RORY

It costs money.

LORELAI

Right, and we're skint.

RORY

Plus dirty diapers have touched those seats.

LORELAI

Well, let's just go somewhere where things are not for sale. Let's be rid of temptation.

RORY

Sounds good.

RORY

Do you see Howard?

LORELAI

I see Howard, and he's got a fresh batch.

RORY

I'm looking forward to Howard.

LORELAI

Oh, no.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Emily. [hides her face with hand]

RORY

Emily who? [imitates her mother's gesture]

LORELAI

"Emily the Strange" with the black cat and the boots made for kicking. Who do you think?

RORY

Grandma's here? Are you sure?

LORELAI

Very sure.

RORY

Why are we hiding?

LORELAI

Reflex.

RORY

We have to say hello to her.

LORELAI

Why? We're two ships. We're passing.

RORY

If she sees us hiding, we're going to have to explain.

LORELAI

So hide good. [pulls Rory close to hide behind her]

EMILY

Lorelai, Rory!

LORELAI

Mom, hi.

RORY

Hi, Grandma.

EMILY

Meet me up here.

LORELAI

Oh, we're going down.

EMILY

Meet me up here!

LORELAI

Okay. [They both start to walk up the down escalator.]

EMILY

[impatient] Go down, then meet me up here!

LORELAI

Right. Coming. Oh, we stink at hiding. [sighs]

LORELAI AND RORY

Hi. Hi. Wow [weak chuckle]

EMILY

What are you doing here? I thought you were both swamped with work.

LORELAI

Uh, well, yes, well, Rory got a special, uh --

RORY

The chancellor gave me a --

LORELAI

I actually was able to take --

RORY

-- half a day.

LORELAI

-- a half a day, too. And so we've --

RORY

-- just to spend some time.

LORELAI

We're playing hooky.

EMILY

Well then, just say that. How long have you been here?

LORELAI

Hour and a half.

EMILY

Where are your bags?

RORY

We're just window-shopping.

EMILY

Window-shopping?

LORELAI

Like Roz Russell and Ava Gardner.

EMILY

What's the fun in that?

RORY

There's no fun in that.

LORELAI

We're thinking of suing Roz and Ava's estates.

EMILY

Well, come on.

LORELAI

Oh. Ah. Where?

EMILY

Shopping. Come on. Pip-pip. [starts to walk off]

LORELAI

Mom, we were just leaving.

EMILY

You're not leaving. Now, come on.

LORELAI

I guess we're following my mother.

RORY

She's very aggressive today.

LORELAI

I think the passive part of her personality is playing hooky.

EMILY

[exasperated] Come on!

LORELAI

Coming!

LANE

Hey, did you guys bring silverware or drinking glasses or anything for the kitchen?

BRIAN

I didn't.

LANE

We've no bowls! We have no cups! [opens a kitchen cabinet and gasps ] But we do have a him.

ZACH

Him? Him who?

BRIAN

There's a him in one of the cupboards?

LANE

An ex-him, to be exact. He's belly-up. He was a big boy, too. A big, fat, belly-up big boy.

BRIAN

Hey, watch it. That's my stereo!

ZACH

We didn't need your stereo, Brian. We've got my stereo.

LANE

We've got three stereos and no forks. [exits to another room]

BRIAN

We're kind of lacking in shelf space.

ZACH

Well, maybe you should skip displaying your Futurama action figures. That might open space up a bit.

LANE

[returns in a panic] There are no curtains on the windows! People can see right in.

BRIAN

What if we're naked?

ZACH

Please, never be naked.

BRIAN

I try not to be.

LANE

And how can there be no refrigerator?

BRIAN

There's no refrigerator?

LANE

I just assumed there'd be one!

ZACH

Great, so it's back to the Middle Ages for us. Let's start storing meat in stocks of salt.

LANE

Is that someone looking in? [exits again]

ZACH

What's that?

BRIAN

It's a night light.

ZACH

Dude, when the Sex Pistols roomed together, no way did they have a night light.

BRIAN

You don't know that.

ZACH

I read Johnny Rotten's book. There's no mention of a night light.

LANE

[returns to room] Towels! I don't have towels. [holds up a pitiful washcloth] I've got this. This is not gonna work.

ZACH

Hey, when you said you had a bed for me, you didn't say it would be bunk beds.

BRIAN

But they're cool. The bottom one's like a fort.

ZACH

We're not playing fort.

LANE

We've got to start a list. Anyone have paper or a pen or money?

ZACH

Dude, look, this is my side of the shelf. Your stuff's encroaching.

BRIAN

It's not encroaching.

ZACH

Bender and Leela are on my side. Put them back on your side.

BRIAN

That's not Bender. That's Nibbler. Bender's a robot.

ZACH

Are you remotely aware that you're not twelve?

BRIAN

They're on my side!

ZACH

They're on my side, dude. Move them.

LANE

Guys, stop! Look down. There's a whole empty shelf for you to use, so you can stop bickering.

BRIAN

But we put that aside for you.

LANE

What?

ZACH

For your CDs and stuff. You need a shelf, Lane.

BRIAN

Jeez. You smeared my glasses.

LANE

[grateful tears] This is gonna work, one step at a time.

ZACH

Listen, we set aside a shelf for you in the john, too. You don't need to hug us for that.

LORELAI

[sighs] Uh, Mom, where the fire?

EMILY

We have a lot to get through.

SALES GIRL

Mrs. Gilmore, did I know you were coming?

EMILY

Not unless you're clairvoyant.

SALES GIRL

What are we looking for today?

EMILY

What are we not looking for? This is my daughter, Lorelai, and my granddaughter, Rory.

SALES GIRL

Nice to meet you.

LORELAI

Same here.

RORY

Hi.

EMILY

What's new? I want a full report.

SALES GIRL

We have a china set that just arrived still in its crate that screams "Emily Gilmore."

EMILY

Hand-painted?

SALES GIRL

Designed in 1870 for the Shah of Persia -- the finest. Would you like to see it?

EMILY

No need. Give me a set of twelve. Plus soup tureens, sauce boats, the works. What else?

SALES GIRL

Doreen. [calling out to approaching woman who joins them keeping brisk pace]

EMILY

That's gorgeous. [glancing at a glass ornament]

SALES GIRL

From Giorgio Baldi's studio in Venice. They only made eighteen.

EMILY

Wrap them up.

SALES GIRL

Right away. [exits]

EMILY

Lorelai!

LORELAI

Your brake lights were out.

EMILY

You! [calling out to salesman] You've got Richard Gilmore's sizes on file. Pull the latest Brionis in an assortment of colors and charge them to our account.

SALESMAN

Yes, ma'am.

RORY

[to Lorelai] What are Brionis?

LORELAI

Six months of my car payments, plus a car.

EMILY

Include accessories and three pairs of loafers -- Italian. They should feel like butter. Make it four. Hell, make it six.

SALESMAN

Yes, ma'am.

EMILY

And jewelry. Add an assortment of jewelry appropriate for a man with a moustache. What would that be? Bracelets, pinkie rings?

SALESMAN

Well...

EMILY

And a moustache comb -- the most expensive one you've got.

LORELAI

Uh, Mom - [hurrying to keep pace]

EMILY

Keep up.

LORELAI

Does Dad even want any of this stuff?

EMILY

He doesn't know what he wants, Lorelai, so I choose what he wants.

LORELAI

Excuse me. [stopping in front of display]

SECOND SALESMAN

Yes?

EMILY

I want this.

SECOND SALESMAN

I'm sorry, ma'am, that is just a display. It's not for sale.

EMILY

Everything's for sale.

SECOND SALESMAN

I will take care of it. [exits]

LORELAI

Mom, Dad does not need another globe.

EMILY

Then Rory can have it. She can use a globe. [keeps walking]

RORY

It doesn't even have the right countries on it.

LORELAI

C'mon.

RORY

Or California.

EMILY

Start picking!

LORELAI

Start picking what?

EMILY

Everything, anything!

LORELAI

Mom, we don't have any money.

EMILY

It's on your father.

RORY

But, Grandma --

EMILY

[beckons nearby salesgirl] Some help, please.[snaps fingers] You like hats?

RORY

Uh, kind of.

EMILY

That one. Put it on her.

LORELAI

Ooh. [giggles]

EMILY

I like it. These scarves all match, and of course you'll need gloves. We'll take them all. [walks on]

LORELAI

Hey, see those marbles rolling on the floor? They're Mom's. They spilled out of her head.

RORY

I do like the chapeau.

LORELAI

Do not get sucked in! This is craziness!

RORY

It's just a hat.

LORELAI

It's a symbol.

RORY

We don't know what it's symbolizing. Resist.

EMILY

Lorelai!

LORELAI

Ugh.

EMILY

You need a watch.

LORELAI

I don't wear a watch.

EMILY

Do you have a watch?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

Then you need a watch. [to saleswoman] These don't have diamonds. Which ones have diamonds?

WOMAN

Next display.

LORELAI

Mom, I'm not buying a diamond watch.

EMILY

You just have to take it.

LORELAI

I'm not taking it.

EMILY

I'm buying you a damn watch! [glances in the glass display case and points] That one. Wrap it up.

LORELAI

[to saleswoman] Can I return the damn watch if I don't want it?

WOMAN

Yes, ma'am.

LORELAI

Thank you. [She glances at Rory in the distance - being fussed over.]

LORELAI

Are you keeping track?

RORY

I lost count.

LORELAI

She bought me four cocktail dresses, two evening gowns, and if I'm not mistaken, eight maids a-milking.

RORY

By the way, she bought you a wedding dress when you weren't looking. Vera Wang.

LORELAI

Why didn't you stop her?

RORY

Well how do you stop a top from spinning around?

LORELAI

This is too much.

EMILY

Girls, come on. Keep up.

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

Stop dawdling and start picking some shoes.

LORELAI

Mom --

EMILY

These Manolo Blahniks would look great on you.

LORELAI

[imitating Gollum] Oh, me wants them, my precious.

RORY

You told me to resist.

LORELAI

Yeah, but that's before I saw these. These are works of art. They should be in the Louvre.

SALES GIRL

Mrs Gilmore, I'm sorry. We only four of the Venetian apples in. If you want the rest, we can have them shipped.

EMILY

Well, give me the four today and ship the rest overnight whatever the cost.

SALES GIRL

Yes, ma'am.

LORELAI

Mom, a quick word.

EMILY

Where are your shoes?

LORELAI

Wait. What is the rush on the funny glass apples?

EMILY

They're not funny, and I want them. That's the rush.

LORELAI

Yes, but you've already put quite a dent in your credit card for things you don't seem to need.

EMILY

So?

LORELAI

So it's crazy.

EMILY

Crazy? You think this is crazy? [voice gets louder]

LORELAI

Okay, Mom --

EMILY

This isn't crazy!

LORELAI

I didn't mean to --

EMILY

That stupid moustache is crazy! That's what's crazy! Your father's job is crazy! That's what's crazy! He was supposed to be slowing down, and now he's club-hopping with Jason and hanging out with Moby and having secret lunches with women and lying about it!

LORELAI

Mom, Calm down.

EMILY

Why should I calm down? Are you on his side? Do you like that moustache?

LORELAI

I'm not taking sides.

EMILY

I should go to bars! I should hang out with Moby! He'd hate that.

LORELAI

Mom, I'm just suggesting that you slow down on the shopping. This doesn't have to be a whole big thing.

EMILY

Why do I need to slow down? This is what I do, according to Richard. And he's not slowing down. He's got a whole new life. He's got Pennilyn Lott, he's got Digger, he's got a moustache! He's got all that and what do I have? Maybe I should get a job so I can have my own life. I could sell shoes here just as well Eduardo. I should get an application. [Calls out loudly] Get me an application! Go, go!

LORELAI

Mom --

EMILY

I hate that moustache, and he refuses to shave it!

LORELAI

Mom, let's take a break.

EMILY

I don't want to take a break!

LORELAI

Well, we do, and my feet are killing me.

EMILY

Well, then get some new shoes!

LORELAI

Come on.

EMILY

Where are we going?

LORELAI

Right around the corner here.

EMILY

We really should have taken our bags.

LORELAI

They said they'd hold them.

EMILY

I'm totally turned around. Where are we?

RORY

You'll smell in a second.

EMILY

[gasps] What is this?

RORY

It's the food court.

EMILY

How long has this been here?

LORELAI

You've never been to the food court, Mom?

EMILY

No.

RORY

Where do you eat when you shop?

EMILY

I leave and go to a restaurant.

LORELAI

With this Valhalla of international cuisine so close?

EMILY

But it's cafeteria-style.

RORY

That's the fun.

LORELAI

Here. Best table in the house.

EMILY

It's plastic.

RORY

Plastic is a vital part of our bright tomorrow.

LORELAI

Soon we'll all be living in plastic houses.

RORY

On the moon.

EMILY

What are you talking about?

RORY

We're pulling your leg, Grandma.

EMILY

Well don't do that.

LORELAI

So what are you in the mood for?

EMILY

I don't know.

RORY

I want Mexican.

LORELAI

I kind of feel like Moroccan and Chinese.

RORY

So smorgasbord.

LORELAI

Yeah. Come on.

EMILY

Wait. Here. [tries to hand Lorelai a credit card]

LORELAI

Oh, no, Mom. Moe's Moroccan Palace does not take credit cards.

EMILY

You're kidding.

LORELAI

It's on us. [to Rory] Keep an eye on her. Make sure she doesn't wander off.

LORELAI

[cell phone to her ear] The ad cannot run with the color composition the way it is. The drawing of the inn looks purple. [pause] Yes, I know, but I'm not paying for it looking like that. I do understand. It looks awful. [pause] Fine. Have him call me. I would love to sort it out. Okay? Thank you. Bye. [hangs up] Sorry.

EMILY

What is all this?

RORY

It's lunch. Thanks, Lou. [he exits]

LORELAI

I got a little something from everywhere.

EMILY

I wouldn't know where to begin.

LORELAI

Well, start at the top and stop when you hit table.

EMILY

I had no idea so many different kinds of foods came on sticks.

RORY

Well, some come on sticks, like the hot dogs and the fried cheese dipped in batter, but others are technically kabobs.

EMILY

What's in the cups?

LORELAI

Well, you got your soda, your iced tea, root beer, lemonade.

EMILY

I'll try this.

LORELAI

Ah, Orange Julius.

RORY

A classic.

EMILY

Oh, my. That's very good. Your father and I know a man who owns a couple dozen of these stands as part of his holdings. Now I can sincerely tell him I like his product.

LORELAI

Excellent.

RORY

Oh, we forgot napkins. [stands up]

LORELAI

Get some more little pepper thingies, please. So dig in, Mom. You've got sweet-and-sour pork and pizza and some wrapped thingy. I already forgot what it is, but it's probably not healthy.

EMILY

Okay.

LORELAI

Oh, and there's ice cream, too. We can get some after if you want.

EMILY

All right. So how loud was I back there?

LORELAI

Well, uh, you were heard.

EMILY

If I had seen somebody act that way in a store, I would have called security.

LORELAI

It's really okay, Mom. It wasn't that loud. It's totally forgotten. [Her cell phone rings and Lorelai snatches up impatiently.] Oh! Do not disturb. I'm eating. [hangs up]

EMILY

What was that phone call you got before, when you were coming over with the trays?

LORELAI

Oh, it's this ad we're doing for the inn. The drawing of the inn came out purple, like eggplant, like Prince chose the color. It was bad.

EMILY

Sounds awful.

LORELAI

It was their screw-up. Just one of the many joyous things I get to deal with on a daily basis.

EMILY

You were very forceful.

LORELAI

Was I?

EMILY

Very in command. I like how you handled it.

LORELAI

Well, I learned from the best.

EMILY

From whom?

LORELAI

From the lady eating her hamburger with a knife and fork. That's whom.

EMILY

Oh, please. I order maids and salespeople around. That's different. I've never done anything.

LORELAI

Mom, come on. That's not true.

EMILY

Richard's right. I buy things. Things I don't even want. It's all I have.

LORELAI

No, Mom, you have friends and family who love being with you. A-and you have a house you love. You have a whole life. You could have a dog if you want. There's a swell pet store here. You're losing perspective, Mom. You're not seeing clearly.

EMILY

If he would just shave that moustache.

LORELAI

And that's all it would take? Shaving his moustache? Mom, you need to talk to him.

EMILY

He's always so distracted.

LORELAI

No. Make him talk. You need it. And make it a real talk without bickering, without snipping, without mentioning Moby. Really clear the air.

RORY

I got pepper, I got napkins, I got Lou's phone number. He asked me to give it to you.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm privileged.

RORY

What'd I miss?

EMILY

I was just admiring your mother's life.

RORY

Oh, I do that daily.

KIRK

[gasps] Oh, God! Oh, God!

LUKE

Hey, Joe.

JOE

Hey, Luke.

LUKE

Can I get twenty singles off you?

JOE

Sure. It's gonna cost you $25. [ Chuckles - Luke doesn't react] It's change humor.

LUKE

I know. You do it every time.

JOE

I'll get them for you. [he exits]

LUKE

Thanks. [approaches Dean at video game]

DEAN

Hey, Luke.

LUKE

Hi, Dean.

DEAN

Wait. Hold on. [after a moment game ends] Aw.

LUKE

No, you did good.

JOE

Short of your record, though, Dean.

DEAN

Yeah, I'll get there.

JOE

He's the reigning champ of every game in here.

LUKE

Wow!

DEAN

I'm not here that much. I just come after dinner sometimes, y'know. Lindsay and her mom kind of like me out of the way when they're cleaning up.

LUKE

They kick you out, huh?

DEAN

I just slip out. They don't really notice.

LUKE

So how's married life treating you?

DEAN

Good. Real good. Lindsay's great.

LUKE

Yeah, she seems great.

DEAN

And her parents are fantastic. I mean, they help out so much.

LUKE

Like with the cleaning up.

DEAN

Her dad's over all the time, fixing things. Lindsay's got this list for him to do.

LUKE

Great.

DEAN

They're the most unselfish people I know.

LUKE

I've seen them around. The dad works for the county, doesn't he? He's a surveyor or something?

DEAN

Yeah. Oh. He, uh, he used to. But I think now he... [Dean becomes distracted when he notices Rory and Lorelai outside the window.] I think he's, um...actually, he manages an apartment, so he oversees the guys, and he's not really, um...

LUKE

Not surveying much.

DEAN

Yeah, he's not in the field much.

LUKE

Okay, well, I'll let you get back to your game.

DEAN

Yeah. Hey, uh, see you later, man.

LUKE

Thanks. [exits]

LUKE

[sighs] What are you doing?

LORELAI

Taking inventory.

RORY

We should return it all.

LORELAI

Mom's gonna expect to see us with something she bought us. We have to keep something.

RORY

Seven hundred dollar yoga bag?

LUKE

Get out of here.

LORELAI

Oh, yes, my friend, rich people like their sweaty mats to have expensive homes.

RORY

We could each keep a little clutch purse.

LORELAI

What's that tubey one for?

RORY

Lifesavers.

LORELAI

The candy?

RORY

Yep.

LUKE

Get out of here.

RORY

Turquoise leather jacket?

LORELAI

Hm, pass. Hair clips with diamond Betty Boops?

RORY

Pass. Tropical-print embroidered bikini?

LORELAI

Not me. [holds it up to show Luke] Luke?

LUKE

This is sick.

LORELAI

This I'll take. [holds up florescent totebag]

RORY

Oh, no. I have dibs on that.

LORELAI

In your mind.

RORY

I said it in the store.

LORELAI

Yeah and I said it, too. And I clutched it. It still has my clutch marks.

RORY

You do realize that the one thing we're fighting over is the free tote bag that came with our purchase.

LORELAI

It's a nice totebag

LUKE

I'm upset just watching this.

LORELAI

This is your window on a whole other world, Luke. The world of worthless rich-people stuff. People of means see what they want and simply take it, regardless of others.

LUKE

You pour your own coffee?

LORELAI

Oh, err, yeah.

LUKE

You're not supposed to do that.

LORELAI

Oh yeah [sheepish] sorry, I won't do it again. [takes a gulp]

LUKE

Um-hm.

KIRK

Does anyone know who this is?

LORELAI

No.

LUKE

Yeah, it's Snuggles.

LORELAI

You know Snuggles?

KIRK

It's not Snuggles. It's the dog that looks like Snuggles. Snuggles' owner picked him up. No one picked this guy up and he has no tag.

LUKE

You have a dog left over.

LORELAI

You knew Snuggles by name?

KIRK

I don't have time for chitchat here, people!

LUKE

I have no idea whose dog it is.

LORELAI

Me either.

RORY

Sorry.

KIRK

I don't even know his name. I was using random sounds, trying to see if he'd respond. Paku. Gnocchi. Nini. Bleeblo. Nothing.

LUKE

Sorry. [walks off]

KIRK

I've got to put up more flyers. Sunna. Lipdoo. Funo. [exits]

LORELAI

[sighs] Thank God. I'm so tired.

RORY

Me too, and I have to get back to Yale.

LORELAI

I had a great time today.

RORY

So did I.

LORELAI

Okay, good. We should make this a regular part of our weekly schedule?

RORY

Sounds good.

LORELAI

So next Tuesday?

RORY

Tuesday's good. Oh, shoot. I can't. Wednesday?

LORELAI

Uh, sure. I'll have to cancel plans with Jason.

RORY

Don't cancel plans with Jason. Dumb me, I've got class that night anyway.

LORELAI

All right. Skip ahead a week.

RORY

I hate that we have to schedule time like this.

LORELAI

But if we don't, we don't see each other, right?

RORY

Right.

LORELAI

So what about the weekend?

RORY

I'll be at Friday night dinner at Grandma's.

LORELAI

Great. I won't. Not this one. Darn.

RORY

Uh-huh.

LORELAI

Yeah. Hey, you want pie?

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

'Cause I'm getting my second wind. [walks to counter]

RORY

Me too. Let's have pie.

LORELAI

[calls out] Hey, Luke, we're having pie. [She removes the pie's glass cover and starts removing slices.]

LUKE

[calls from the kitchen] Okay, just wait for me to serve it.

LORELAI

Okay. [She continues removing a second slice onto napkins.]

RORY

Should we be worried about Grandma?

LORELAI

Oh, I think she'll be okay.

RORY

Was anything resolved? Are she and Grandpa gonna be all right?

LORELAI

Don't worry about it. They're a team. They'll be okay.

RORY

Good. I like them. [begins eating with fingers]

LORELAI

I know. [takes a bite]

RORY

Thanks

RICHARD

Did you deal with that business with the gardeners?

EMILY

Not yet.

RICHARD

Hmm. We need to resolve that. Those vines are out of control.

EMILY

I'll see to it.

RICHARD

Be nice to have that finished by the time I get back.

EMILY

Get back? From where?

RICHARD

Jason and I are meeting some clients in Manhattan. It's some new place downtown -- Tribeca, I think. It's really an up-and-coming area. I'll probably stay in the city, take the train in the morning. Is that all right with you?

EMILY

That's fine. [long pause] What do you think of these? [indicates table arrangements]

RICHARD

Hmm?

EMILY

The apples.

RICHARD

Oh. I've always liked those.