T4E16: “The Reigning Lorelai”

LORELAI

Don't tell me this is what it looks like.

EMILY

It's escargot.

LORELAI

Ugh. That's what it looks like.

RORY

Snails?

EMILY

Escargot.

LORELAI

Slimy thing by any other name...

RICHARD

They taste like garlic and butter.

LORELAI

Don't say "they." Food should not have pronouns.

RICHARD

Give it a try.

LORELAI

But if I do and we're having road kill for the main course, then I will already have used up my allotment of gross-out food for the day, so I'll abstain.

RICHARD

I guess we should strike escargot off the list of Friday night dinner foods.

EMILY

Sweetie loved escargot. That's funny how we remember those things.

RICHARD

Hm.

LORELAI

Sweetie?

RORY

Sweetie who?

EMILY

Sweetie Nelson, one of my oldest friends. She passed away yesterday.

RORY

Oh, I'm sorry, Grandma.

LORELAI

Yeah, I've heard you mention her.

RORY

Was she sick?

EMILY

She'd been ill for some time, but still...

RICHARD

The family is pretty overwhelmed.

EMILY

By the way, Davis called late today. The funeral is going to be Sunday.

LORELAI

Was that her real name -- Sweetie?

EMILY

No, her name was Melinda. Sweetie was a nickname.

LORELAI

Why?

EMILY

What do you mean, why?

LORELAI

I mean, how did they get Sweetie from Melinda?

EMILY

They didn't get Sweetie from Melinda. Sweetie is a nickname.

LORELAI

Yes, I know Sweetie was a nickname, but usually, a nickname comes from a version of your name, or there's a story behind the name or something.

EMILY

She was sweet. That's the story.

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

She had a very sweet nature.

LORELAI

Hm.

EMILY

Well, what kind of story did you want, Lorelai?

LORELAI

No, that's fine. She was sweet. They called her Sweetie. It's a good story.

EMILY

No, really. Exactly what kind of story about my recently departed friend would amuse you?

LORELAI

Mom, it's not to amuse me. It's --

EMILY

All right, fine. Sweetie's father was a very poor man -- so poor that Sweetie and her four siblings all had to sleep in a hollowed-out tree trunk because the house was only big enough for their parents. One winter, there was no food, so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk, wrapped her feet in newspaper, and walked forty miles in the snow to the nearest town, where she stumbled into a candy store. The owner took pity on her and gave her bags of candy, a dill pickle, and drove her back to her family. He promptly offered a job to her father, who gladly accepted and eventually owned that store and turned it into one of the most important candy emporiums in the world. And that is how she got the name Sweetie. There, how was that?

LORELAI

Now, that was a pretty good story.

RICHARD

I'm sorry, Emily, did you say the funeral is Sunday?

EMILY

Yes. Is that a problem?

RICHARD

Well, Mr. Hamoto is in town, and Jason has set up golf for him, and then there's lunch after that. What time is the service?

EMILY

Noon.

RICHARD

Oh, noon. That's cutting it very close. How important is it for me to be at the funeral?

EMILY

Not important at all.

RICHARD

Well, fine, then. Be sure to give them my condolences.

EMILY

Of course. Eat your food.

LORELAI

[Gasps] I think one of them is still alive.

EMILY

Lorelai!

LORELAI

No, seriously. He was over near the radish like five minutes ago.

KIRK

This doesn't smell right.

LANE

Smells fine, Kirk.

KIRK

I think the eggs were bad.

LANE

The eggs are fine, Kirk.

KIRK

Were they cooked in the fish pan? They smell like they were cooked in the fish pan.

LANE

No, the eggs were not cooked in the fish pan. They were cooked in the egg pan.

KIRK

Was the fish pan sitting next to the egg pan? Because perhaps -

LORELAI

I need something with cheese!

KIRK

Lorelai, smell my eggs.

LORELAI

Not today, Kirk. Hey, where's Luke? I want him to make that breakfast quesadilla thing he made yesterday.

LANE

Luke's not here.

LORELAI

Where is he? He knows the exact right jack-to-cheddar ratio.

KIRK

He's out there. [Kirk points out the window.]

LORELAI

Where?

KIRK

Over there with Nicole.

LORELAI

Oh, looks like a serious talk.

KIRK

And there have been zero light moments.

LORELAI

I wish I knew what they were talking about.

KIRK

Oh, I can tell you what they're saying.

LORELAI

How?

KIRK

I read lips. My girlfriend taught me. It's so we can have quiet time and keep the conversation going at the same time. Okay, she just said, "Hardwood sponge is the authority of the hostile biographer." And then he responded, "Just phone cords to original samovars."

LORELAI

Kirk, that doesn't make any sense.

KIRK

Must mean they're on to us and they've switched to some sort of code.

LORELAI

I don't think they're speaking in code.

KIRK

Oh, I think Luke's heading back. He just got up and said, "Feel your taters."

LORELAI

Is it possible he said, "I'll see you later?"

KIRK

No, I'm pretty sure about this one.

LANE

Kirk, I'm so sorry, we accidentally made the eggs in the fish pan. Here's new eggs.

KIRK

I don't know why everybody in this town always thinks I'm crazy.

RORY

You've got to be kidding.

DOYLE

I certainly am not kidding. This is serious.

RORY

It's not plagiarism.

DOYLE

Hey! Do you also like to shout "fire" in a crowded theater? This is a newsroom. Do not use the "p" word.

RORY

Every single word in my piece was written by me.

DOYLE

Was it? Look at this. "Small band of followers." "Rain-soaked highway." I've seen both of those before.

RORY

Of course you've seen them before. Those are phrases used to talk about a small band of followers or, you know, a rain-soaked highway. They're not even clichés like "shouting fire in a crowded theater."

DOYLE

I'm sorry, can you say "Stephen Glass?" The entire climate of journalistic ethics is under a microscope right now. We can't afford anything that looks shady. I'd rather not have Tobey Maguire playing me in a movie about the Yale Daily News scandal, thank you very much.

RORY

I get that, but I don't think my "rain-soaked highway" looks shady.

DOYLE

[Scoffs] Typical. It's your attitude.

RORY

What attitude?

DOYLE

Look around this room. People writing their anthro papers on our computers, people Xeroxing their phone bills on our copy machines. No one's running, no one's sweating. Every single person in this room looks extremely well-rested. No one spell-checks. No one fact-checks. This is the breeding ground for the next Jayson Blair! Fix it. And tidy up your desk!

GLENN

And my month is up.

RORY

What?

GLENN

You're the new dog to kick around here. I feel bad, 'cause you tend to be a pretty decent person, but my nose has been whacked with a newspaper so many times this month, it almost makes me miss my mother.

RORY

Doyle's just in a bad mood, that's all.

DOYLE

"Herd mentality?" Are you freaking kidding me?!

GLENN

Welcome to the dollhouse.

LORELAI

Michel, come on, we've got to get into these budgets.

SOOKIE

Now.

MICHEL

Does the red light mean it's programmed?

SOOKIE

I explained it a hundred times.

LORELAI

Michel, you've been setting that machine for 20 minutes now.

SOOKIE

The man can't live without his dog show.

MICHEL

Ugh. I could just kill my cable provider. "No Westminster dog show, but please enjoy Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle 24 hours a day." Ah, there, it's recording.

LORELAI

Well, get over here.

MICHEL

I just want to see the Chows. [Laughs] Look at that one strut. [Baby talk to the TV.] You know you're a pretty girl, don't you? Yes, with those "I need some loving" eyes.

SOOKIE

Is he doing tricks?

LORELAI

It sounds like they're turning them. [Lorelai's cell phone rings.] Hello.

EMILY

Lorelai, it's me. Do you have a moment?

LORELAI

Uh, sure.

EMILY

Your grandmother. She's gone.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Last night. She apparently had a heart attack. The maid found her in the morning.

LORELAI

But I didn't even know her heart was a thing. Was her heart a thing? Did we know that?

EMILY

No, it was quite unexpected. There wasn't any warning at all.

LORELAI

But we just - we just saw her.

EMILY

I know. It's a complete shock.

LORELAI

Ohh. I -- how is Dad?

EMILY

He's completely fallen apart. From the moment he heard the news, he's been almost incoherent.

LORELAI

Oh, no.

EMILY

He's in his office now with the Scotch, and he wants turtleneck soup -- asks for it over and over.

LORELAI

What's turtleneck soup?

EMILY

Apparently something his mother used to have made for him when he was a little boy, and now he wants some, and I can't seem to find anybody who has any idea what it is.

MICHEL

All right, the pugs are up next. They're ugly. Let's do this.

LORELAI

[Whispers to Michel] My grandmother.

SOOKIE

[Whispers] Heart attack -- grandmother.

MICHEL

[Whispers] What?

LORELAI

Dead grandmother, Michel. Mom, have you looked on the internet?

EMILY

For what?

LORELAI

For turtleneck soup. You could Google it.

EMILY

Can I? Can I Google it?

LORELAI

Okay, never mind. Sookie, do you have any idea what turtleneck soup could be?

EMILY

You mean mock turtle soup?

LORELAI

Mom, do you think he means "mock turtle soup?"

EMILY

Maybe that's what he said. Is there such a thing?

LORELAI

I think so. [to Sookie] Can you make mock turtle soup?

SOOKIE

I never tried, but I think I have a recipe for it somewhere here.

LORELAI

So, Mom, Sookie's tracking down the soup. What else can I do?

EMILY

Nothing. If you can find the soup, that'll be enough. You'll tell Rory?

LORELAI

Yeah, I'll tell Rory.

EMILY

All right, I have to go. Your grandmother left very specific instructions on exactly how she wants her funeral to be, so I have a hundred things to do.

LORELAI

I'll be there with the soup as soon as I can, Mom.

EMILY

All right, bye.

LORELAI

Bye. [Hangs up] I'm gonna have to go.

SOOKIE

No problem. One huge vat of mock turtle soup coming up.

MICHEL

Do you need a hug?

LORELAI

Thanks, I'm okay. I have to call Rory. You'll call me when the soup's ready?

SOOKIE

I'm on it.

LORELAI

Have to go. Michel, you'll take care of the papers and the landscaping plans?

MICHEL

Yes, I will. Go, go.

LORELAI

Okay. Purse, coat, keys. I'm gone. Michel?

MICHEL

Yes?

LORELAI

[Sighs] I think I'll take that hug now. [They hug then step back.] A little weird, huh?

MICHEL

Yeah, extremely.

LORELAI

Heart in the right place, but never again?

MICHEL

Thank God.

EMILY

Yes, I understand the reverend's retired. You said that four times. But my mother-in-law specifically requested him for the service, and... [The doorbell rings.] Well, isn't there any forwarding information?

LORELAI

I got the soup.

EMILY

Well, I will hold while you look. [to Lorelai] Thank God. He's in his study. Take that into him and see if you can get him to eat. [to person on the phone] Yes, I'm still here. Miraculous, isn't it? A phone number! How...

LORELAI

Hey, dad.

RICHARD

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Yeah, uh...I have something for you. Mock turtle soup.

RICHARD

Mock turtle soup?

LORELAI

Yeah. Sookie made it.

RICHARD

Mock turtle soup. [ Chuckling ] Mock turtle soup. [ Voice breaking ] Mock turtle soup. [ Crying ] Mock turtle soup.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, soup's gone. No soup here. Who mentioned soup? This is definitely a no-soup zone. Uh, the music's nice.

RICHARD

Oh, she loved Kay Kyser. She wasn't really a musical woman. Music was a little frivolous for her. But Kay Kyser.

LORELAI

Yeah. Well, she's great.

RICHARD

Kay Kyser's a man.

LORELAI

Oh, well, his parents had an ugly sense of humor then. [Richard sobs.] Oh, boy.

RICHARD

She was a saint -- the woman was a saint.

LORELAI

Here, Dad.

RICHARD

I learned everything from that woman. "Life is a battle, and you either enter it armed or you surrender immediately." That is what she told me...on my 10th birthday. I never forgot that. No, no one...was as strong as that woman. That wonderful woman...that saint of a woman.

LORELAI

Oh, Dad.

RICHARD

Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine. I -- I just have to deal with this... [Sighs] regret.

LORELAI

What regret? Dad, you and Gran were so close.

RICHARD

The last words we exchanged, we exchanged in anger.

LORELAI

Oh, but, dad, that's -

RICHARD

I lost my temper and I was disrespectful. And that's the way -- that's the way it ended. With an argument and hateful words.

LORELAI

Dad, you know, that was one little fight. I mean, one little fight between you and Gran doesn't wipe away years of -

RICHARD

That woman raised me and she taught me. And she took care of the family even after Father died. And I spoke her as if I owed her nothing, as if she was like anyone else in the world and not the saint of a woman that she was.

LORELAI

Oh, Dad.

RICHARD

You only have one set of parents, Lorelai. Remember that. I forgot and now I have to live with that for the rest of my life. [ Sighs ] You mentioned soup.

LORELAI

What?

RICHARD

When you came in.

LORELAI

Yes, soup. I have soup. Um, Mom mentioned that you were talking about mock turtle soup and you really should eat something, Dad.

RICHARD

I need a spoon.

LORELAI

Oh, my Go-- yes, I'll get you a spoon. I'll get you -- you just sit right there. I'll be right back with your spoon.

EMILY

[talking on the phone] But it used to be Martelli's Florist, yes? Okay, do you have any idea where Martelli's moved to? Oh, well, before he died, did Mr. Martelli pass his trade on to any of the other Martellis? Yes, I'll hold. [to Lorelai] How is he doing?

LORELAI

He needs a spoon.

EMILY

He's going to eat?

LORELAI

He's going to eat.

EMILY

Thank God. Take an apple. See if you can get him to eat an apple. [into the phone] I'm here. Yes, I will take the simple stepson's number. Thank you. I will speak slowly. Thank you. [hangs up] Not that one. And take some bread, too.

LORELAI

How are the arrangements coming?

EMILY

Well, she made them twenty years ago, so the reverend is retired, the florist has moved, and two of the pallbearers are no longer with us. Luckily, they both had sons who look remarkably like them, so I think we can get away with it.

LORELAI

All right, I'm gonna bring this stuff to Dad.

EMILY

I'm going to call the florist's idiot stepson.

RICHARD

Emily? Emily!

EMILY

I'm right here, Richard. What's wrong?

RICHARD

This is outrageous! They've completely ruined it!

EMILY

Who ruined what?

RICHARD

Trix's obituary. The Courant just faxed it through. It's disgraceful! I'll sue them!

EMILY

Just calm down.

LORELAI

[taking the paper and reading] "Lorelai Gilmore died this week at age 86. A member of the prominent Gilmore family and widow of Charles Abbott Gilmore, she is survived by a son, Richard Gilmore, and numerous other family members and devoted friends."

EMILY

Well, it's -

RICHARD

It's an insult! That's all they write? Nothing about her charity work or her collecting or her travels? And not a word about the new maternity wing that she donated to St. Joseph's! You tell me where all of the fine people of Hartford are supposed to have all their babies if it weren't for my mother, tell me that!

EMILY

All right, all right, calm down. We will take care of it.

RICHARD

She was a saint, that woman!

EMILY

I know. Absolutely, we will make sure it says "saint" somewhere in the article.

RICHARD

You're sure?

LORELAI

Don't worry, Dad.

RICHARD

Because it's very, very wrong!

LORELAI

Dad, I got your spoon.

RICHARD

Well, I'm not hungry. [leaves]

EMILY

Wonderful. Yet another thing I have to take care of.

LORELAI

Mom, why don't you let me help out a little?

EMILY

That's all right.

LORELAI

I'm happy to do it. I'll bring coffee, a Danish. You've never had so much fun with death in your life.

EMILY

I appreciate the offer, but I have it all under control.

LORELAI

I should probably take off then.

EMILY

Goodbye. Thank Sookie for me. [picks up the phone and dials] Hello, I'm looking for Manny Martelli, please. Well, what time do you expect him back from the science-fiction convention? Yes. Would you hold on a minute, please? [to Lorelai] Lorelai, I have to go to Gran's house tomorrow to sort through her personal papers.

LORELAI

Two cherry Danish coming up.

EMILY

[into phone] Yes, I would like to leave a message.

RORY

Hello?

LORELAI

Hey, it's me.

RORY

Nigella just made a raisin cake that looked so good, the fact that raisins make me gag became totally irrelevant.

LORELAI

Well, good, more ordering choices.

RORY

Oh, my God, she's about to deep-fry a Bounty Bar. I want to move in with her and call her Mommy. Do you mind?

LORELAI

Honey, I -- I have to tell you something.

RORY

You sound sad.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, Gran died.

RORY

What? When?

LORELAI

Last night. She had a heart attack. Are you okay?

RORY

How's Grandpa?

LORELAI

Well, he's been better.

RORY

What should I do? Can I do something?

LORELAI

No, it's all being taken care of.

RORY

When's the funeral?

LORELAI

Friday, and there's a wake after. I don't remember if you have a class.

RORY

Doesn't matter. I'll make it work.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

I was just getting to know her.

LORELAI

Well, I think you got a pretty good snapshot.

RORY

Shouldn't I be crying? I feel like I should be crying.

LORELAI

Well, you didn't know her that well.

RORY

Still, she was my great-grandmother. I mean, I should feel more. [gets more and more upset] Oh, God, what if I don't cry at the funeral? Then everyone will see that I'm not crying, and Grandpa will be upset.

LORELAI

Well, honey, if you can't cry, at least you know you can work yourself up into a very respectable panic attack.

RORY

It might have to do.

LORELAI

You're an amazing kid. She was so lucky to have you as a great-granddaughter. Hey, do you want me to come by tonight, pick you up, take you to Tijuana, get you drunk and laid?

RORY

That's okay. I've got too much work to do.

LORELAI

Okay, well, call me if you want to talk or whatever.

RORY

I will.

LORELAI

I love you, hon.

RORY

I love you, too, Mom.

LORELAI

This looks like -- what a shock -- another incoherent legal document.

EMILY

Hand it to me.

LORELAI

Uh..."house insurance policy."

EMILY

Hand it to me.

LORELAI

You know, Mom, seriously, I can do more than just hand you stuff.

EMILY

That's all right. I have a system.

LORELAI

Yes. You don't think I can work within the system, but I can! I have no plans to overthrow the system. Just teach me the system. Teach it!

EMILY

Just hand me some papers.

GEORGIA

Emily, excuse me. We finished cataloging the second floor, and we're about to move to the third.

EMILY

That's fine, Georgia.

GEORGIA

And we have bubble-wrapped those bar glasses. Where do you want us to put them?

EMILY

In the trunk of my car, along with the candlesticks. My keys are in the foyer.

GEORGIA

All right.

LORELAI

What was that about?

EMILY

I'm preparing for the funeral.

LORELAI

Stashing bar glasses is preparing for the funeral?

EMILY

Those bar glasses are supposed to stay in the family. They go to us, then to you. However, every time a certain relative of your father's comes to visit, things tend to disappear.

LORELAI

Dad's got a Winona in the family? How cool. Who is it?

EMILY

His cousin Marilyn. She has been systematically pilfering those bar glasses for the last five years.

LORELAI

Really.

EMILY

Plus, I saw her eyeing the candlesticks last Easter, and I'll be damned if I let her get them. So much to do. [ Sighs ] Did I tell you about the burial-slash-cremation clause?

LORELAI

Now you're just making stuff up.

EMILY

Your grandmother is to have an open-casket ceremony, displayed in all her glory, then is to be cremated and have her ashes divided in two -- half to be buried with her husband in the family crypt, and the other half to be put in an urn and placed on our mantelpiece.

LORELAI

Half of Gran is going to be on your mantel forever.

EMILY

Staring at me, judging me, disapproving of me.

LORELAI

So apparently, it's the top half.

EMILY

When I first found out, I almost had a coronary, but I've accepted it. From now on, it's going to be a 3-person household -- your father, me, and her urn.

LORELAI

You know, it's so weird. I know so little about Gran. I mean, like, what was her maiden name?

EMILY

Gilmore.

LORELAI

No, no, her maiden name.

EMILY

Gilmore.

LORELAI

Wait. Y-you're not saying -

EMILY

She and Charles were second cousins.

LORELAI

Ew! What?!

EMILY

Oh, don't act so scandalized. It was not at all uncommon for prominent families to keep the bloodlines closed.

LORELAI

Keeping the bloodlines closed. Is that what we're calling it?

EMILY

Well, what would you call it?

LORELAI

Oh, I don't know. How about "Good morning, Appalachia, I got a mighty cute sister and an extra set of toes."

EMILY

No one has any extra toes.

LORELAI

I have a double-jointed thumb.

EMILY

Remarkable. Use it to hand me some more papers, please.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, but I don't understand how everyone was so okay with this. I mean, what, did they just go, "What a cute couple. They look so much alike." [no answer] Mom?

EMILY

This is to your father. It's a carbon copy of a letter she sent to your father.

LORELAI

Hmm. That's nice.

EMILY

[reading] "My Dearest Richard, It is with heavy heart that I write you this letter tonight, but I cannot stand by and let you make a terrible mistake. Until now, I had thought, hoped, prayed that you would come to the same conclusion that I have. But you have not, and therefore, I feel it is my duty as your mother to beg you to reconsider your impending marriage." [Lorelai gasps.] "I'm sure that Emily is a very suitable woman for someone, but not for you. She will not be able to make you happy. She does not have the Gilmore stamina or spark. She is simply not a Gilmore."

LORELAI

Well, sure, 'cause you weren't directly related to him.

EMILY

[continues reading] "I don't know the circumstances surrounding your breakup with Pennilyn Lott, but it is still my belief that she is much better suited for you than Emily." [Voice breaking] "I know that the timing of this is particularly awkward, since you are to be married tomorrow."

LORELAI

No way!

EMILY

[reading] "But your happiness is too important to me, so timing be damned."

LORELAI

She wanted Dad to leave you at the altar.

EMILY

She begged him to leave me at the altar! She begged him in writing, and then she saved the carbons!

LORELAI

Holy moly. Can I see that?

EMILY

I can't believe this. I'm standing here in her basement, covered in dust. I'm organizing her estate and cataloging her things. I've been on the phone for days, trying to make sure that everything was exactly the way she wanted it, and all this time, she never even wanted me in her family!

LORELAI

Man, she sure used a lot of exclamation points.

EMILY

Well, fine. That's just fine, because I am done.

LORELAI

Done?

EMILY

I'm done planning and running around and calling people. I'm done with anything having to do with that woman.

LORELAI

But Dad...

EMILY

Skipped my best friend's funeral to golf -- that's what your dad did!

LORELAI

Mom, we have to plan this funeral.

EMILY

Find a box, throw her in, we're done!

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

Better yet, throw the old harpy's carcass in a ditch! Let a wolverine eat her.

LORELAI

Okay, but, see, finding a wolverine near a ditch -- that takes planning.

EMILY

Do whatever you want! I'm going to have a drink. Would you like a drink?

LORELAI

I can't do it, Mom! I don't know the system!

RORY

Bank info?

LORELAI

Hand it to me.

RORY

I cannot believe that story.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, trust me, the brothers Grimm were over in the corner, yelling, "No way!"

RORY

And she just walked out?

LORELAI

Yep.

RORY

Jewelry appraisal?

LORELAI

Hand it to me.

RORY

Why don't you just tell me where to put it?

LORELAI

No, because I have a system.

RORY

Oh. Well, that letter sounds awful.

LORELAI

It was.

RORY

And really cruel.

LORELAI

So cruel -- so completely cruel that I'm kind of wondering if Gran didn't know Mom was gonna find it.

RORY

Stop. It's too mean. I don't wanna think that there's that meanness in my genes. I don't wanna inherit something like that.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, who knows what we've inherited from that woman. Count your toes lately?

RORY

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

Well, I've been saving the best for last.

RORY

You're kidding.

LORELAI

Do you know what Gran's maiden name was?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Gilmore. Grandpa Charles was her second cousin!

RORY

No!

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

What does that mean about us? What if that's caused, like, a horrible genetic mutation that hasn't shown up yet? Oh, our eyes!

LORELAI

What? We each have two of them.

RORY

I always thought it was neat that our eyes look kind of similar, but now I don't know. Is it creepy?

LORELAI

I don't know.

RORY

I think it's creepy.

LORELAI

Okay, just hand me some more stuff. Stop staring at my eyes. Come on.

RORY

What else do you have to do?

LORELAI

Oh, well, I haven't tracked down this Reverend Wilder yet, and I got some mysterious message from the place that made her headstone, so I have to go see about that. And then there's just the random stuff.

RORY

What random stuff?

LORELAI

Well, for instance, Gran requested that she be buried in fresh clothing.

RORY

What is fresh clothing?

LORELAI

I don't know. Clean clothing? Clothes fresh from the cleaners? New clothes? Clothes with a mountain-fresh scent?

RORY

I think it's new clothing.

LORELAI

It's safest, isn't it? So add that to the list with the headstone. Oh, and then there's the obituary. I almost forgot about the obituary.

RORY

What about the obituary?

LORELAI

The paper wrote something, but Dad thinks it's not good enough, so I have to rewrite her death announcement. I should let Mom do it. I believe it would go, "yay."

RORY

Hey, can I do it? I want to help, and we have access to a database at the Yale paper that would make it really easy to research.

LORELAI

Oh, honey, that would be great. Thank you.

RORY

My pleasure. I just feel really bad for Grandpa, losing his mother.

LORELAI

Well, they were really close.

RORY

Yeah. It's sad. So, Gran and her husband had the same great-grandfather.

LORELAI

Try not to think about it.

LORELAI

Hello? Oh. Mom, Dad?

SOOKIE

Look at all this stuff! Oh.

LORELAI

Mom, are you here?

EMILY

In the living room, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Uh, yeah. Where's the maid? You got a condolence moat going on out here. [Lorelai and Sookie make their way into the living room to find Emily smoking and drinking and reading a book in her robe.] Whoa.

EMILY

I told Hilda to take the day off. Nothing's happening here.

LORELAI

I think every delivery boy in town would beg to differ.

EMILY

What? Oh, those. Just put those anywhere. I have to finish reading The Crimson Petal and the White for my book club. Sookie, what a pleasant surprise! What are you doing here?

LORELAI

I brought Sookie so she could check what equipment she's going to need for the wake. And who the hell are you?!

SOOKIE

I'm so sorry, Emily.

EMILY

About what?

SOOKIE

Well, about Richard's mother dying.

EMILY

Are you? Huh. Would you like a cigarette?

SOOKIE

No, thank you.

EMILY

Well, then, more for me.

SOOKIE

I think she broke.

LORELAI

Mom, what's going on?

SOOKIE

I am just gonna go to the kitchen.

LORELAI

Mom!

EMILY

Lorelai, please, I'm reading.

LORELAI

Uh...okay.

EMILY

If you're going by the bar, my drink could use a little freshening up.

LORELAI

Your drink is fresh enough! And put that cigarette out!

LORELAI

Hi, Jason.

JASON

Hey, I didn't know you were gonna be here.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, well, the white rabbit ran by. I chased him, fell down a hole, and here I am.

JASON

So, how's everybody doing?

LORELAI

Uh, well, Dad's a mess, and Mom starts work at the truck stop next week.

JASON

Are you holding up?

LORELAI

Yeah, I am. Thanks for asking.

JASON

Well, it's what I'm here for.

LORELAI

Really?

JASON

No. I have to get your father's signature on some papers.

LORELAI

Mom, where's Dad?

EMILY

How the hell do I know?

JASON

[sarcastically] Boy, she sounds really upset.

LORELAI

He's probably in his study.

JASON

Okay, thanks.

LORELAI

Mm-hmm. Careful.

RICHARD

Oh, Jason.

JASON

Richard, I am so sorry to hear.

EMILY

Who was that at the door?

LORELAI

It was Jason. Dad needs to sign something.

EMILY

Uh-huh.

LORELAI

You know what? Why don't I start putting some of these baskets away?

EMILY

Whatever.

LORELAI

And then maybe I could start writing some thank-you notes.

EMILY

Fine. I think there's some Post-its in the kitchen.

LORELAI

Mom, uh...I know how hurt you are. That letter was terrible. But there's still a lot of stuff that has to get done.

EMILY

I know. You're right. Say, I've got an idea. Why don't you call Pennilyn Lott and have her plan the funeral?

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

I mean, she's the one that was supposed to be planning it anyhow, so I say let her do it. You need something, Sookie?

SOOKIE

I was just wondering if it's going to be okay to set up a buffet in the dining room.

EMILY

I don't know. What do you think Pennilyn Lott would do? You think she'd set it up in the dining room? Because personally, I think we should just toss some cheese cubes in the coffin, stuff some toothpicks in her mouth, and let the people go to town.

SOOKIE

Is she serious?

LORELAI

The dining room's fine, Sookie.

SOOKIE

Okay. Good.

LORELAI

Um, uh, excuse me.

JASON

Did you see that hug?

LORELAI

Yes, I saw the hug, I saw the hug.

JASON

It didn't end. It was the hug that wouldn't end, and he was wearing a robe.

LORELAI

Yes, apparently, we're a robe family now.

JASON

And he was crying. I am really, really bad at comforting people. I say completely inappropriate things -- bad jokes with words like "Nantucket" in them.

LORELAI

Did you get what you needed?

JASON

Yeah, thanks.

LORELAI

Okay. Well, then I guess I'll see you at the funeral tomorrow.

JASON

Yeah. About the actual funeral

LORELAI

Jason.

JASON

I can't do funerals.

LORELAI

You have to do funerals. This was your partner's mother.

JASON

I understand, but funerals have way too much emotion for me -- the death and the hugging.

LORELAI

You serious?

JASON

When I was 10, my family went through a terrible period. Once a month, somebody died. For a year, they were dropping like flies. It completely freaked me out.

LORELAI

Okay, fine, don't come, but you had better lie to my father and tell him you did.

JASON

I am very comfortable with that compromise.

LORELAI

[goes back to Emily] That was Jason again. He had to go, but he wanted me to tell you hello for him.

EMILY

Jason. Your father loves that boy.

LORELAI

I know he does.

EMILY

You know who else would love that boy? Pennilyn Lott.

LORELAI

I'm gonna go get started on those thank-you cards.

EMILY

Remember to thank Pennilyn Lott just for being Pennilyn Lott.

RORY

I'm almost done. I promise I'll get it to the paper this afternoon.

LORELAI

This is a really big help, my friend. I owe you.

RORY

No, it was really interesting, actually. I mean, I never knew all of these things about Gran.

LORELAI

Really, was the extra-toe thing in there?

RORY

No, but did you know that she took care of wounded soldiers that were shipped back here during World War II? She also studied at the Sorbonne and at Oxford and met three presidents.

LORELAI

Oh. Which ones?

RORY

Kennedy, Johnson, and Nixon. There's this amazing picture of her frowning at Nixon like she knew he was up to something.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

Yeah, she was some kind of something, wasn't she?

LORELAI

Yes, she kind of was.

RORY

I just love that she wanted something so -- I got to go. [hangs up] Hi, Doyle. Hey, did you read the typo in the New York Times today?

DOYLE

This is personal.

RORY

Yes. Yes, it is.

DOYLE

You're using newspaper resources to work on something personal, in direct defiance of what I was warning everybody about just the other day.

RORY

But this is different.

DOYLE

Oh, it is?

RORY

If I can just -

DOYLE

Oh, goody, here comes the defense. What will it be? "I'm looking something up for a friend?" "The professor didn't give me enough time?" "I was just browsing through the archives, and I got distracted?"

RORY

My grandmother is dead.

DOYLE

Oh. Oh, no.

RORY

Yeah, she died two days ago, suddenly, and we were close. Okay? We were close, and I'm just trying to give her an obituary that is fitting for the great woman that she was.

DOYLE

Oh. That's -- I didn't know.

RORY

You didn't ask.

DOYLE

My grandmother died in December, and it was... [sighs] I'm still not over it. I know exactly what you're going through. Keep going, please. I'm sorry.

RORY

It's okay. And thank you.

DOYLE

Last week, you know what I did?

RORY

No.

DOYLE

I picked up the phone to call her. Isn't that sad? I actually forgot, and then, of course, it hit me all over again. I hope that doesn't happen to you.

RORY

Me too.

DOYLE

She smelled a little like coffee. I still can't walk past any place that makes coffee.

RORY

Oh.

DOYLE

The girl I was dating was a barista. I had to break up with her.

RORY

We weren't that close.

DOYLE

What?

RORY

And it wasn't my grandmother. It was my great-grandmother. I dropped the "great" to make the whole thing sound sadder. I don't know anything about her until today. [sighs] I'm so sorry. I'm just gonna pack up and go straight to hell now.

DOYLE

My grandmother was a very special woman. She drove me to my prom, and I'd be a poor man if I'd never known her. Finish the obituary.

RORY

What?

GLENN

What?

DOYLE

Everybody should get to know their grandmother.

GLENN

But it was her great-grandmother. Didn't you hear her?

DOYLE

Glenn, you take Rory's piece on the new parking rules, okay?

GLENN

My month lasts a month. Your month lasts three days. Yes, sirree, folks, that is my life!

MISS PATTY

Oh, Kirk, good, I've been -

CUSTOMERS

Shh!

MISS PATTY

What are we listening to? [Kirk points upstairs.] Again?

KIRK

Yep.

LUKE

Who needs to order?

MISS PATTY

I do.

LUKE

Go ahead.

MISS PATTY

I'll have a chef's salad.

LUKE

Dressing?

MISS PATTY

Oil and vinegar on the side.

LUKE

Crackers or roll?

MISS PATTY

Um...

KIRK

Get the crackers, get the crackers.

MISS PATTY

Uh, I'll have the -

NICOLE

Luke!

LUKE

What?

NICOLE

Are you coming back?

LUKE

I'm working.

NICOLE

We were having a discussion and you just got up and left.

LUKE

I thought we were done.

NICOLE

I was in the middle of the word "September."

LUKE

[Sighs and points to the door.] Okay, come on. [They go outside.] Okay, go ahead.

NICOLE

We were in the middle of a conversation!

LUKE

We were yelling. It was a fight.

NICOLE

We weren't yelling.

LUKE

It felt like yelling.

NICOLE

Okay, we won't yell. We'll talk.

LUKE

Fine, talk.

NICOLE

Me? What about you?

LUKE

You're the one who wanted to talk. We're here. Let's talk.

NICOLE

You don't want to talk?

LUKE

I don't have anything to say.

NICOLE

Yeah. Me either. [Starts to walk away.]

LUKE

[ Sighs ] Nicole.

NICOLE

What?

LUKE

You going back to our place?

NICOLE

Our place? [ Scoffs ] Our place. Huh. Funny.

LORELAI

Dad, why are you answering the door?

RICHARD

Uh, well, I heard it ring, so, um...

LORELAI

The maid's taking the day off again?

RICHARD

Yeah, I suppose so. Rory, it's nice to see you.

RORY

I'm so sorry, Grandpa.

RICHARD

Thank you, Rory.

RORY

How are you?

RICHARD

Well, I'm having a devil of a time with this tie.

RORY

And you're not wearing any shoes.

RICHARD

What? Oh, yeah, shoes.

LORELAI

Dad, can't Mom help you with the tie?

RICHARD

Yes. Yes. Uh, I don't know where she's gotten to. There are a lot of plans to make. Oh, someone sent us four hams. Can you imagine? Four hams.

LORELAI

Mom, there you are.

EMILY

[ Slurring ] Rory, you look very nice.

RORY

I brought a dress to change into.

EMILY

Oh, what you're wearing is fine. [hands Lorelai a book] Lorelai, here, I just finished reading, and I think you'll really like it. It's about this prostitute named Sugar in Victorian England. She starts rising through the ranks of society, and she meets these really vivid characters!

LORELAI

Okay, sure, you don't have to tell me the whole story now.

EMILY

I'm not giving anything away. That's all on the back cover.

LORELAI

Dad? [to Rory] Follow him. Point out doors and windows.

RORY

Got it. [Rory follows Richard upstairs.]

LORELAI

So, Mom, you might want to go get ready now.

EMILY

Nonsense! We have hours. Want a drink? Today I learned how to make mojitos!

LORELAI

Mom, today especially, you might want to be early, since we're the ones throwing the funeral.

EMILY

Fine.

LORELAI

There you go. Go on upstairs. Put on a dress -- a black dress.

RORY

[comes back downstairs] I got him to sit down.

LORELAI

Okay, pillow. Soft. Good.

RORY

You're right, they're a little nutty.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. With extra nuts on top. Okay, I have to check and make sure that Sookie's kitchen stuff made it over here. And I have to call the airline and make sure the reverend got on the plane. I have to check in with the headstone -- [ Gasps ] Underwear.

RORY

Um, that took a turn.

LORELAI

Oh, my God. I delivered Gran's clothes to the funeral home, but I forgot to include underwear.

RORY

Gran's going commando?

LORELAI

Oh, no. I'll have to go buy some.

RORY

Well, wait a minute. Who's gonna know?

LORELAI

I'll know. Just stay here. Keep an eye on your grandpa. I'll be right back.

SHANNON

This whole section is our 2-for-1 sale.

LORELAI

Listen -

SHANNON

Shannon.

LORELAI

Shannon, um, I need to buy something for my grandmother.

SHANNON

Any particular style?

LORELAI

Something respectable, upstanding. You got anything that came over on the Mayflower?

SHANNON

We have this whole line of really terrific panties, and they have a built-in tummy panel that older women really love.

LORELAI

Oh, well, tummy panel sounds great.

SHANNON

What size is she?

LORELAI

Size? Uh, she's tiny but strong. She looks like she could take a punch. But she wears these big dresses, so who knows what's going on under there.

SHANNON

Okay, well -

LORELAI

I'm sorry, she wore big dresses. She wore big dresses, 'cause she's dead.

SHANNON

Oh.

LORELAI

Do you have any idea what "fresh clothing" means?

SHANNON

No.

LORELAI

Neither do I. I'm guessing it means "new," and that's why I'm here, because I have to do all the - all the planning now, because my mother found the note. [Scoffs] The stupid note. Who writes a note like that and keeps the carbon?

SHANNON

I don't -

LORELAI

Yeah, my grandmother -- that's who. My grandmother, who wants fresh clothing and a 4,000-year-old minister, who wants to be cremated and put in a jar on top of my mother's mantelpiece to sit up there and judge for all eternity. I bet your family's looking really great to you right about now, huh?

SHANNON

Yes, they are.

LORELAI

Yeah. [Chuckles] Oh, God. [Sniffles] I'm just babbling. I'm standing in underwire heaven just babbling like a crazy person. I should just pick something, because, I mean, what difference does it make? She's dead. You know, the woman is dead. She can't tell what she's wearing or who bought it for her. She can't see the mess she's left behind, so I'll just -- I'll take this.

SHANNON

That's a small.

LORELAI

Hello! She's dead! The woman is dead! She can't tell if it's the right size! She wanted fresh clothes, and I'm here buying her fresh clothes. So if she has a problem with the size or the strawberry print, then she can rise from the dead and come back here and yell at me herself. Because you know what, if anyone could, that tough, old, crazy, wonderful broad would be the one! [Sniffles] You take Visa, right?

SHANNON

Mm-hmm.

RORY

Okay, so, according to this, we're almost home. I just pull this through there, which looks promising, and we're done. Now you just do the final adjusting.

RICHARD

Well, that's not bad.

RORY

Fourth time's the charm.

RICHARD

Very handy little sheet you've got there. Where'd you get it?

RORY

Off the internet. You can find anything there.

RICHARD

Hmm. Very nice.

RORY

Do you want to keep it -- the diagram? I don't think I'll be needing it much around the dorm

RICHARD

[ Chuckles ] Well, in that case, I will. Thank you, Rory.

RORY

Now I think all we need is your jacket and your shoes, and you're ready.

RICHARD

[ Sighs ] Yes, I suppose so. You know, the suit I wore when we buried my father -- I was never able to wear it again. It was brand-new -- a very nice suit. Custom-made. It was my first custom-made suit. I told your grandmother that it didn't fit anymore, but really, I just didn't want to see it again. And I suppose this is going to be it for this suit, too.

RORY

So, I hear you're doing the eulogy.

RICHARD

Well, I'm her son.

RORY

Are you gonna be okay doing that?

RICHARD

Well, I'll have to be, I suppose.

RORY

Because if you find yourself feeling, you know, unsteady about it, I can do it. I did a lot of reading about Gran for the obituary, and I think I can do her justice.

RICHARD

She had a life, didn't she?

RORY

She really did.

RICHARD

Well, I thank you for your offer, but this is my responsibility. I will be fine.

RORY

I'm sure you will.

RICHARD

However, if something happens, and I find myself, let us say, a tad more emotional than I would like -

RORY

I got your back, Grandpa.

EMILY

Did you go shopping? I've been sitting here waiting for you.

RICHARD

Thank you. Thanks so much for coming. Appreciate it.

RORY

Nice job with the eulogy, Gilmore.

RICHARD

Well, I've always found that a well-tied bow tie can have a very steadying effect.

JENSON

Richard, she was a hell of a lady.

EMMA

I don't know what the hospital board will do without her.

RICHARD

I appreciate both of you coming. Have you met my granddaughter Rory?

JENSON

No, I don't believe we have.

EMMA

Nice to meet you, Rory.

RORY

Nice to meet you, too. I'm gonna go get a soda. Excuse me.

EMMA

She's lovely, Richard.

RICHARD

Inside and out.

LORELAI

How's he doing?

RORY

Not bad. He's holding it together -- partly because all these people are here, but I think he's doing better.

LORELAI

Good. So, what did you think of Gran's fabulous, fresh clothing?

RORY

I thought it was very sophisticated.

LORELAI

Thank you.

RORY

But don't think, for a second, that I didn't notice the Hello Kitty bracelet you put on her.

LORELAI

I just thought, a little something special from me and you for all eternity.

MARILYN

So, there she was, dragging poor Charles around Egypt, of all places. I mean, the man detested sand. So, of course, Lorelai wanted to go and see the pyramids right away. Well, he was dragging his feet. He wanted to go to the hotel. He said, "Lorelai, those pyramids have been there for thousands of years, so they can wait another day." And she said, "Well, you didn't marry the pyramids. You married me, and I won't wait another hour." And she jumped on a camel and rode away. Dragged the camel's owner behind her for over a mile. Man almost died. [ Laughter ] There she is. Lorelai, come here and say hello to your father's favorite cousin.

LORELAI

Hi, Marilyn.

MARILYN

Look at you. You look just like your picture. You know, your grandmother had this picture of you right smack-dab in the middle of her entryway. You would walk in the door, she would point to the picture, and she would say, "This is my granddaughter, Lorelai. She's not married."

LORELAI

Oh, that's a terrific story.

MARILYN

You are stunning! My god, tell me you're an idiot, I beg you.

LORELAI

I have my moments. How's that?

MARILYN

And you, miss. Am I possibly related to you also?

LORELAI

Yes, this is my daughter Rory.

MARILYN

It is a thrill to meet you both. Horrible circumstances, I suppose. Anyway angels, tell me: when you were last over at your grandmother's house, did you possibly notice some darling little bar glasses?

LORELAI

Bar glasses?

MARILYN

Crystal, with this little gold-leaf pattern around?

LORELAI

No, I don't think so.

MARILYN

Oh, well, I was just wondering. They weren't valuable, just sentimental. I used to admire them as a small child.

LORELAI

Well, sure, what little kid doesn't have a fascination with bar glasses?

MARILYN

Well, if you ever do see them -

LORELAI

Yes, I'll let you know. I -- I'm sorry, I have to go check the caterer.

MARILYN

Go, go, go. I can visit with Rory.

RORY

Okay. Hey, I heard you talking about Gran in Egypt.

MARILYN

Oh, she loved Egypt. Actually, she loved anyplace exotic. Did she ever tell you about the time she was stranded in Istanbul?

RORY

No. Well, I actually didn't know her very well.

MARILYN

Oh, that's a terrible shame.

RORY

I think so, too.

DARCY

It was a lovely service. You did a wonderful job.

EMILY

Thank you.

DARCY

It seems like we're hitting that age, now aren't we, where we're going to be going to a lot of these things. Time to invest in a second black suit, I suppose.

EMILY

[to a passing waiter] Excuse me, please bring my husband a Manhattan, and make sure the hors d'oeuvres start with him. He has to eat something.

RORY

[to a boy her age] Yeah, I think philosophy may be one of my favorite subjects right now.

LORELAI

[whispers to Rory] Second cousin.

RORY

Got to go.

BOY

Wait, I'll come with you. [follows Rory]

LORELAI

[loudly] Reverend Wilder, hi. Thank you so much for coming all the way up here from Florida to be with us. Gran would have been so pleased.

REVEREND

Oh, thank you. I was happy to do it. And you are?

LORELAI

I'm Lorelai Gilmore.

REVEREND

Didn't I just bury you?

LORELAI

No, Reverend, I'm the one who talked to you on the phone, and I picked you up from the airport.

REVEREND

Oh, really?

LORELAI

Yeah.

MARILYN

That was a different Lorelai. This is her granddaughter. This is the reigning Lorelai.

REVEREND

Oh, how nice. And who are you?

LORELAI

This is Gran's niece, Marilyn.

MARILYN

You remember me from when I was younger. You married me to my first husband, Theodore.

REVEREND

I did?

MARILYN

It would be easier on all of us if you can just pretend to remember.

REVEREND

Oh, well, that's probably a good idea.

LORELAI

How are you holding up?

EMILY

My feet are killing me.

LORELAI

How's the rest of you?

EMILY

The rest of me? The rest of me is fine.

LORELAI

Oh, you know, Mom, she may have written that letter, but he picked you.

EMILY

I can't believe you wore those shoes to a funeral.

LORELAI

I'm going to go get a stuffed mushroom now.

RICHARD

Hmm.

EMILY

Your tie is crooked.

RICHARD

Oh.

EMILY

Have you eaten?

RICHARD

Oh, yes. Every five minutes, it seems a young man would show up at my side with a tray of food. Your doing, I suppose.

EMILY

Could be. There, that's better.

RICHARD

So, I've been thinking.

EMILY

Yes?

RICHARD

I'm not so sure the mantel is the best place for Gran's ashes.

EMILY

What?

RICHARD

The ledge is too small. It wouldn't really be appropriate.

EMILY

But her wishes.

RICHARD

Being buried with my father seems right. Don't you agree?

EMILY

Whatever you want, Richard.

MARILYN

So, there she is, Aunt Lorelai -- already in her 70s, mind you -- and the blizzard has her trapped in that old house for a week with no heat, no running water. The local police finally came and dug her out and handed her some hot tea. And you know what she does? First of all, she complains that the tea is too hot, and then she sends them a bill for carpet cleaning, because they tracked in snow.

LORELAI

So, you ditched the cousin?

RORY

Yeah, we ran into a sister, and how could I compete?

LORELAI

Oh, sure. How are you doing?

RORY

I'm feeling sadder about Gran, but feeling sadder is making me feel less guilty about not feeling sad, so things are looking up.

LORELAI

Good. So, apparently, I am now the reigning Lorelai.

RORY

Huh. I guess you are.

LORELAI

It's a lot of responsibility.

RORY

Well, sure.

LORELAI

It's mostly ceremonial stuff nowadays -- declaring knighthoods, opening supermarkets -- but now and then, you get to banish someone or pose for a stamp.

RORY

Neat. And coins.

LORELAI

Yeah and coins. You know, someday you'll be the reigning Lorelai.

RORY

I don't like that idea.

LORELAI

Why not? You get a cape.

RORY

Because if I'm the reigning Lorelai, that means you'll be gone.

LORELAI

Gone? No, not me. I'll step down way before that. I'm not gonna pull a Queen Elizabeth on you, make you wait around forever, force you to develop interests in polo and architecture.

RORY

I am scared of horses.

LORELAI

I know that.

RORY

So, there's a cape, huh?