T4E17: “Girls in Bikinis, Boys Doin’ The Twist”

RORY

This is humiliating.

LORELAI

Oh, no, we passed humiliating two minutes ago.

RORY

Luke's gonna be completely out of doughnuts by the time we get there.

LORELAI

I don't why he won't just buy six extra sprinkled ones, so we'd never have to have the conversation which we're going to have- if we ever get there.

RORY

I got school in two hours. I'm never gonna make it.

LORELAI

Kirk, how you doing? [Kirk nods head] You sure? You seem to be having a little trouble forming words there.

KIRK

[Strained] No...fine...me.

LORELAI

You know, you don't have to take us all the way to Luke's.

RORY

Yes, Kirk, listen to her.

KIRK

I offered you the first ride in Kirk's new Stars Hollow Pedi-cab, and that is exactly what you're gonna get.

LORELAI

Okay.

KIRK

Time just whizzes by when you're riding in a pedi-cab.

GYPSY

Hey, guys.

RORY

Hey, Gypsy.

LORELAI

Hey, Gypsy.

RORY

Gypsy just out-strolled us.

LORELAI

We've gotta get outta here.

KIRK

How we doing back there?

RORY

We're doing fine, Kirk.

KIRK

I figure this baby's gonna be a real money...

LORELAI

A real money- moneywhat, Kirk?

RORY

Kirk, can you breathe?

LORELAI

Talk to us.

RORY

Hit the handlebars three times if you can breathe and two if you can't. He hit once.

LORELAI

What does once mean?

RORY

That he couldn't make it to twice?

LORELAI

Kirk. Kirk, stop, please.

KIRK

Just for a second. Then we'll be on our way... like the wind.

LORELAI

Okay, you know what, Kirk? This has been really fun, but I think we'll just hoof it the rest of the way.

KIRK

But the ride wasn't over yet.

RORY

Yeah, but we don't want to hog the cab.

LORELAI

'Cause there's only one.

RORY

But we'll tell our friends.

KIRK

What was wrong with the ride?

LORELAI

Uh, nothing. I mean, it's great for tourists who are new to the town and want to make sure they don't miss a thing.

KIRK

I wasn't going that slow.

LORELAI

No, you just maybe need a little more training before tourist season kicks in. You know, take a spinning class or buy some legs.

RORY

Sorry, Kirk.

KIRK

You will be sorry. [Calling after them] You'll be sorry you turned down the chance to ride in Stars Hollow's first...

RORY

Now he's gonna hate us forever.

LORELAI

No, he's not. He's just gonna hate us till something shiny comes by.

KIRK

[Riding past them with ease] Well, well, well. I guess it wasn't me that was slowing things down. I guess it was my big, fat cargo.

RORY

Hey!

KIRK

Freshman 15!

LORELAI

Kirk!

KIRK

Can't wait to get my doughnut!

LORELAI

Stay away from my doughnut, Kirk! I mean it! It's my doughnut! Freak!

PARIS

You might as well stick your head in a sugar bowl.

RORY

If you can find one big enough.

PARIS

You won't be able to eat like that forever, you know.

RORY

What are you getting?

PARIS

All bran. Asher turned me on to it.

RORY

He's a romantic.

PARIS

He wants me to live a long time and be healthy. That is romantic.

RORY

Okay. Just a joke. No reflection on your man-friend.

PARIS

So after breakfast, I'm going to pick up the sign for our table, and then I'll meet you in the courtyard. [Holding teabag] Antioxidants.

RORY

Yeah, I'll meet you in the courtyard.

PARIS

I'm actually really excited about this. I mean, it's our first social protest of significance in college.

RORY

I know, it's so exciting. We actually get to do something important, make a difference, have a say in the world.

PARIS

Wouldn't it be amazing if we could just get one Burmese political prisoner released because of our petition?

RORY

You're thinking small, Geller. Let's get 'em all out.

PARIS

Even the guilty ones.

RORY

Hell, yeah.

GLENN

Seriously? 'Cause that'd be great, really great. Okay, so I'll pick you up at 7:00, Saturday morning.

JANET

Okay, Glenn.

GLENN

Thank you, seriously.

JANET

No problem, Glenn.

GLENN

This is a turning point. You know how you have them, when even the angry voices in your head have to shut up for just a minute?

RORY

Sure.

PARIS

Why is he so happy?

JANET

Oh, I couldn't get away earlier for spring break. My friends are leaving without me. I need a ride, Glenn has a van, and there you go.

PARIS

You're going to ride to Florida with a guy who's bummed that he got turned down by that German cannibal?

JANET

That was just a rumor and, yes, I'm desperate.

RORY

Glenn's not that bad. I'm sure you'll be fine.

JANET

Hey, there's extra room in the van, in case you guys need a ride.

RORY

Oh, no, thank you. I don't think we're gonna do the whole spring break thing.

PARIS

Ever since I broke up with Moondoggie, soakin' up the rays hasn't been the same.

JANET

It's going to be really fun. You're missing out.

RORY

I'm not really a spring break kind of gal, but thank you for the offer.

JANET

Okay, but if you change your mind...

PARIS

Gary Gilmore's got room in the car -- got it.

RORY

Oh, Janet, if you have a chance, you should stop by and sign our petition for political prisoners in Burma.

JANET

I'll try. Actually, I have to run out and get a new bathing suit before my class this afternoon.

RORY

Okay.

PARIS

[Calling after Janet] Think of all the tortured souls festering in Burma while you're at the size-2 rack. [To Rory] I hate that she's thin.

LORELAI

[Sighs] Hey, Luke.

LUKE

I saw you come in. I was gonna get to you, okay?

LORELAI

Sorry?

LUKE

If you don't like the service, you can go somewhere else.

LORELAI

Who could not like the service?

LUKE

I'm busy. You ready to order?

LORELAI

Coffee for now. Is everything okay?

LUKE

You're not gonna eat?

LORELAI

No, I just came in for coffee and to show you something. We got the sample stationery and postcards for the inn.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

You know, the stationery and the postcards that you leave in the guests' room so that they can write a letter home saying, "Having a great time- wish you were here." Which, of course, they don't, because you were the thing they were trying to get away from in this first place.

LUKE

Nobody uses that stuff.

LORELAI

Oh, sure they do.

LUKE

I have never once stayed in a hotel and used the stationery or written a postcard. Are you gonna order?

LORELAI

I did order, and what is with you?

LUKE

Nothin'. I'm fine. The paper's fine. The postcards are fine. I don't know why you're showing them to me anyhow.

LORELAI

Because you are an investor in the inn. I want to keep you apprised of the goings-on.

LUKE

I am not an investor. I loaned you money.

LORELAI

That is what investors do.

LUKE

An investor goes to meetings.

LORELAI

We're having a meeting.

LUKE

They're involved in the business decisions.

LORELAI

Hello...stationary. Decide -- yes, no.

LUKE

[Sighs] I'll get your coffee.

LORELAI

Um...do you want to talk about it?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Whatever it is that's put you in this charming mood.

LUKE

[Clears throat, lowers voice] I am not wearing my socks.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

I am not wearing my socks.

LORELAI

So, what are those, someone else's?

LUKE

Yes.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

I am wearing someone else's socks.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, I need more.

LUKE

I spent the night at Nicole's place.

LORELAI

Also known as "your place".

LUKE

Got up a little late, grabbed a pair of socks, and it wasn't until I was halfway to work that I realized they were someone else's socks.

LORELAI

And you're sure about this?

LUKE

Hey, if there's one thing in this life I am sure about, it's my socks. I buy the same brand in bulk, and I've been doing this for as long as I can remember. My socks are all white with a red stripe. These are white with a gold stripe and some sort of fruity padding in the toe.

LORELAI

Maybe they're Jess' socks.

LUKE

They are not Jess' socks.

LORELAI

Well, maybe when you went to the laundromat, someone accidentally left a pair of socks in the dryer, and then your --

LUKE

I don't go to a laundromat.

LORELAI

Uh, maybe they're Nicole's socks. You know, her gym socks or... you're not wearing your socks.

LUKE

I am not wearing my socks.

RORY

Show your support for the Burmese prisoners.

PARIS

Sign up now- take a stand.

RORY

This bowl of rice is all a Burmese prisoner gets to eat in a day. One bowl- that's it. No butter or soy sauce...

PARIS

Enjoy your "Maxim." You couldn't read that in Burma!

RORY

I'm freezing.

PARIS

Me too.

RORY

[Sighs] Look at all these hypocrites passing by. Everyone claims to be so politically aware, but not one person can stop by for two seconds to sign a stupid petition.

PARIS

People suck. [Jumps up] You all suck!

RORY

Paris, the rice!

PARIS

Great, we have one prop, and it's blowing away.

RORY

You knocked it over.

PARIS

Well, you put it right in front of me.

RORY

How was I supposed to know you were gonna jump out of your seat like a maniac?

PARIS

You know me. You room with me. You should have known.

GLENN

Hey, Rory, Paris.

RORY

Oh, Glenn, I'm so glad you stopped by because this is an issue that affects every person that has a heart and a soul.

PARIS

A great injustice is being perpetrated on our watch, and we've got to do something to stop it.

RORY

Aren't you gonna sign the petition?

GLENN

No, I just needed a place to put my sandwich down.

RORY

Is that a raindrop?

PARIS

Yep.

PARIS

Out of the way.

RORY

Move, move, move!

FEMALE STUDENT

[Walking out of dorm] Is it raining?

PARIS

No, it's National Baptism Day. Tie your tubes, idiot.

RORY

Wet.

PARIS

Cold.

RORY

Go, go! I get the radiator.

PARIS

No way.

RORY

You got it last night.

PARIS

I did not!

RORY

Paris, you took up the whole thing with your "Hey, Gore, do not endorse me" sweatshirt, and my blue sweater is still soaked.

PARIS

Fine! Take half.

RORY

Oh, my god, I'm cold!

PARIS

Can't stop shaking.

RORY

We're wimps -- we would last two seconds in Burma.

PARIS

At least it's warm in Burma.

RORY

Yeah. Okay, we're horrible.

PARIS

This is the kind of cold you read about in a Dickens novel. We should be in a workhouse or shilling for Fagin.

RORY

It's supposed to be spring. Why is it still cold?

PARIS

It's been the coldest winter in the history of winter.

RORY

My brain- I think it's frozen. Is that possible?

PARIS

And these gray skies- it's a blanket of misery.

RORY

All I can think about is getting warm. That's all I can think about.

PARIS

It's warm in Florida.

RORY

What?

PARIS

Nothing.

RORY

Did you say "Florida"?

PARIS

No. [Pauses] Yes.

RORY

Seriously?

PARIS

Maybe.

RORY

But it's spring break.

PARIS

I know.

RORY

It's "girls gone wild," and boys doing the twist. We're not spring-breaky people, are we?

PARIS

I don't know what we are, but I am so cold right now that the thought of spending a week with a bunch of drunken bimbos and rattle-headed frat boys seems like a very good trade off for being warm.

RORY

Warm...

PARIS

Warm...

RORY

Mom, where's my bathing suit?

LORELAI

Uh...do you have a bathing suit?

RORY

Of course I have a bathing suit.

LORELAI

When was the last time you wore it?

RORY

I don't remember.

LORELAI

Uh, did it involve a rubber ducky?

RORY

No...I don't think.

LORELAI

Check the bottom drawer, and I will look in your closet. So now, tell me again- who's driving?

RORY

Glenn. It's his mom's van.

LORELAI

And this Glenn- he's a good driver?

RORY

I have no idea.

LORELAI

Kid- you've got to learn to lie.

RORY

Glenn's a very responsible guy. I'm sure it will be fine.

LORELAI

And the place you're staying is safe?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Now you're catching on. Ahh! Aha! Bathing suit. Now we just have to find the wimple that goes with it.

RORY

Give me that, please. Hey, was I supposed to clear this with you first?

LORELAI

Clear what with me?

RORY

Going away.

LORELAI

Oh, I don't know.

RORY

I mean, I don't live here anymore, so I'm not sure what the protocol is.

LORELAI

Ah, well. I think as long as I know now, and I feel as if I have veto power, we're good.

RORY

You have veto power?

LORELAI

No. I feel as if I have veto power- very different statement.

RORY

Got it.

LORELAI

But you'll call me a lot while you're there, right?

RORY

You're not worried, are you? Because I'm just going for the sun and to read, nothing more.

LORELAI

I know, I know. It's just it's always the good kids who've never had a drink that take one sip of Kahlua and fall out of a window.

RORY

So you're sad you never taught me how to drink?

LORELAI

Exactly!

RORY

Well grab a bottle and some quarters and let's go.

LORELAI

No falling out of windows.

RORY

Not even a first floor one.

LORELAI

And don't drink. And after you're done not drinking, drink tons of water and take two aspirin before you go to bed.

RORY

Got it.

LORELAI

And take Paris with you everywhere. Not much can happen with that girl along.

RORY

Got it. [Horn honks outside.] They're here.

LORELAI

Oh. Maybe they can stop by a bathing suit store along the way.

RORY

My suit is fine.

LORELAI

No, sure it is. It's nice to be able to go from the beach to the mosque without having to change.

GLENN

Seriously, Paris, get out!

PARIS

No! I have to drive.

GLENN

You drive exactly like you look like you drive.

PARIS

What's that supposed to mean?

GLENN

You speed like a maniac. You zip in and out of lanes. You tailgate.

PARIS

They were going two miles an hour.

GLENN

It was a driving-school car.

PARIS

Well, they went to school to learn a lesson. I was just giving them their money's worth.

RORY

Hey, guys.

PARIS

Let's go. We're on a schedule. Get away from Glenn.

JANET

Thank god you're here.

RORY

Glenn, this is my mom.

LORELAI

Hi, I'm Lorelai. Hey, congratulations on being student of the month at Grandville Middle School.

GLENN

Thanks.

LORELAI

You lookin' forward to the beach?

GLENN

Yes, I am.

LORELAI

You know, you don't have to show up in what you're going to wear. They'll let you change when you get there.

GLENN

I'm not cold.

LORELAI

No, of course not. [Hands Glenn Rory's bags] Could you? Thanks.

RORY

So, how come Paris is driving?

PARIS

Are we gonna go through this again?

RORY

I didn't know we'd already gone through it.

PARIS

I can't be in a car if anybody else is driving, okay? If I die in a car crash, it's going to be at my own hand.

LORELAI

Hi, Paris.

PARIS

Hi, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Bye.

RORY

No windows.

LORELAI

No windows. Oh, hey, um, Glenn, would you mind if Rory sits up front? She gets carsick.

GLENN

Oh. Okay.

LORELAI

Airbags. Okay, um, have fun. Drive safely.

PARIS

Let's go...and say a prayer for the road kill. [Tires screech as she pulls away.]

GLENN

You're a lunatic!

PARIS

Hey, I shaved three hours off the MapQuest estimate. How about a "thank you" for that? Who's in charge here?

RORY

I'm guessing pink shirts and white shorts?

GLENN

I think my clothing choice has been vindicated.

PARIS

Swank attire and desperation for approval. The chicks are gonna eat you up. It is warm. Are you feeling the warmth?

RORY

I'm definitely starting to thaw.

JACK

Name, please.

JANET

It's under "Billings."

JACK

Okay... okay, we have you girls in room 6.

PARIS

Room 6, okay. And what is your name?

JACK

Jack.

PARIS

Jack. Well, Jack, hello. I'm Paris, and this is Andrew [Holds up a $20 bill]. And we just want to make sure that we're getting your very best room.

JACK

Actually, room 9 has a better view, and it's closer to the ice machine.

PARIS

Let's go with 9. Now, who's gonna help with our bags? Good. Okay, those four bags... Uh, Rory, your book bag?

RORY

Um, sure.

JANET

I'm gonna go for a run.

RORY

Now?

JANET

Just a short one around the block.

RORY

She looks so normal, and then that happens.

PARIS

Come on. Paris Geller, room 9. Remember that. See, a lot of people make the mistake of tipping at the end of a trip. But I always tip as you go along. That way, they never know when the honey pot dries up, and it keeps them from going through your stuff and robbing you blind. Paris Geller, room 9. Remember that.

RORY

Oh, man, look at that. We're right on the ocean. Paris, look at it. It's right there.

PARIS

I see it. Oh, hey, we're in room 9. Feel free to keep the sheets clean and the towels coming. [Goes into room 9] Okay...not bad. Hey, you know what would be swell? A VCR to go with that television set. You mind? You're aces, pal...really. I'm giving the toast at your wedding.

RORY

Well, at least it doesn't smell bad in here.

PARIS

Pull your covers down and roll on the bed.

RORY

Why?

PARIS

We are sharing this room with four other girls, Rory. Plus 10K Barbie- we have to stake out our territory.

RORY

Yes, and then we need to up your dosage.

PARIS

Look, a person comes in, they see a dent in the bed, possibly a hair on the pillow...

RORY

So the person's David Caruso?

PARIS

They'll figure that bed is taken. They will then move on to the couch or the rollaway.

RORY

That's insane.

PARIS

Okay, suit yourself. [Starts to bounce on the bed. Rory soon follows suit on the other bed.]

RORY

And I was worried I would I feel stupid.

PARIS

Stupid but well rested.

RORY

How long do we have to do this?

PARIS

I think we're good.

RORY

I'm really comfortable right now.

PARIS

Yeah, me, too.

RORY

Sounds like more are arriving. Where are you going?

PARIS

To see what all the ruckus is about.

RORY

Wait for me- I like ruckus. Man, that's a lot of people stuck in that tiny car.

PARIS

They should all be wearing Shriner hats.

SEAN

Hey.

RORY

Hey.

PARIS

Hmm, that was subtle.

RORY

What are you talking about?

PARIS

The Joanie loves Chachi moment.

RORY

He said "hey."

PARIS

I heard.

RORY

I said "hey" back.

PARIS

You did.

RORY

I was being polite.

PARIS

In Burma, you'd be married...or brutally killed.

RORY

I'm gonna go make your bed.

PARIS

Don't you dare. Man, I'm thirsty. [Hands money to guy walking by] Root beer?

RORY

Paris, that guy doesn't work here.

PARIS

Not yet. But look at that mug of his, it's only a matter of time.

LORELAI

I overslept again.

JASON

I know.

LORELAI

Why didn't you get me up?

JASON

I tried, and you bit me.

LORELAI

I did not bite you. [Jason holds out hand, she looks.] I did bite you -- cool!

JASON

Here, eat this before it gets cold.

LORELAI

You made French toast?

JASON

Well, I had a lot of energy after my run, so...

LORELAI

You went running?

JASON

Well, I had to wait for the laundry to dry. And I had already read the papers.

LORELAI

You had an entire day before I woke up.

JASON

Here, you want bacon?

LORELAI

You went out and slaughtered a pig between the running and the French toast?

JASON

Yes, and by the way, that whole ozone-layer problem... taken care of.

LORELAI

You're my Green Party hero.

JASON

[Handing her a plate] Here.

LORELAI

Oh, no - can't. I have to get to the printers and pick up the brochures because today is mailing day. But do you have a baggie?

JASON

Uh, yeah, here.

LORELAI

Perfect. Mmm.

JASON

What are you doing?

LORELAI

This is French toast on the go. The other drivers on the road love it. Come here. [Kisses him.] I'll call you later. We'll plan our weekend.

JASON

[Looking awkward.] Um, hey, Lorelai, hold on a second. Here.

LORELAI

A key.

JASON

Yeah, it's a key to the apartment.

LORELAI

Oh...good. Do you want me to let someone in?

JASON

No, it's just an extra key. I thought, you know, if you were coming over and I was running late this way you didn't have to wait in the hallway.

LORELAI

Okay.

JASON

Or if you were carrying something, and you couldn't wait for me to get to the door... this way, you're all set.

LORELAI

Okay...good. Makes sense.

JASON

Yeah, it's just a practical thing. It's not a big deal.

LORELAI

Oh, good.

JASON

Or you don't have to take it.

LORELAI

No, I'll- I'll take it.

JASON

I mean, I know how it is. You've got your keys on your ring just so, and then you put in a new one- it throws off the whole balance.

LORELAI

Well, if you think --

JASON

Or you can keep it.

LORELAI

You sure?

JASON

If you want.

LORELAI

I can go either way.

JASON

It's fine with me.

LORELAI

Well, which way?

JASON

Either way.

LORELAI

Well, I'll take it, [Chuckles] Okay? Thanks for the French toast.

JASON

Uh...thanks for the hand injury.

LORELAI

Anytime. Bye.

PARIS

Here- it's over here.

RORY

Whoa, how did we get a tent?

PARIS

Toby, again. Classic tip whore.

RORY

Which one's Toby?

PARIS

The one with the bandaged hand. He cut it setting this up. I popped him another sawbuck.

GLENN

Cool tent! How'd we get it?

RORY

Stay ignorant, Glenn. It comes with the oppressive guilt of the ruling class.

GLENN

Okay. Hey, Janet. I like your suit.

JANET

Thanks, Glenn.

GLENN

Hey...hot dogs.

RORY

Man, it is so loud out here. You never think of the beach as being loud.

PARIS

You do when there's a band of Huns re-enacting "Top Gun" in back of you.

GUY PLAYING VOLLEYBALL

Hey! Throw it back.

PARIS

No! [To Rory] What are you doing?

RORY

Putting a towel down.

PARIS

Don't.

RORY

Why? We have, like, a hundred towels in the room. There's so many towels, there's basically no room for us.

GUY

I need my ball.

PARIS

You need a couple of 'em, pal.

JANET

[Picks up ball & throws it back.] Here. Ignore her. She likes it.

PARIS

Rory, stop.

RORY

I'm not gonna sit in the sand, Paris.

PARIS

[Employees of the Sea Sprite come carrying table & chairs.] Over here. Great...okay. Thanks. Now, we're going to need a fruit plate in about an hour and keep the ice tea coming. [Looks at Rory] What?

RORY

Nothing but admiration here.

JANET

I'm going to go do my laps in the ocean.

RORY

You're gonna work out on spring break?

JANET

Exercise is a high. You should try it.

RORY

Sure. I'll meet you out there.

PARIS

Are you properly sun-screened? Ten minutes in the sun can cause irreparable skin damage.

JANET

And constant shoulder tension creates a hunchback.

PARIS

Fine, go. I hear melanoma is very in this year. Here, Casper, you better use this.

RORY

You're just lucky you got a fruit plate coming.

MADELINE

Rory, Paris! Oh, my God!

LOUISE

Hello, ladies!

RORY

Unbelievable. What are you guys doing here?

MADELINE

Spring break!

LOUISE

Actually we came for Tulane's spring break and just stayed.

MADELINE

We've been here a month.

LOUISE

They have great lifeguards.

MADELINE

I'm so excited to see you guys.

LOUISE

Paris, you missed a spot. I can see skin.

MADELINE

So, when did you get here?

PARIS

2:00 this morning.

LOUISE

I love 2:00 in the morning.

RORY

You guys are having a good time?

LOUISE

Uh, way better than most other people.

MADELINE

We're very competitive.

LOUISE

It took a couple of weeks to get the right routine down, but now we own this town.

PARIS

The chamber of commerce must be thrilled.

LOUISE

I think the last place on earth I would ever expect to find Paris Geller is at spring break.

PARIS

Hey, I'm up for new things.

MADELINE

Okay, well then we have to make sure you do this right.

LOUISE

There are rules.

RORY

There always are in a civilized society.

LOUISE

First of all, it is very important to find the right hot club every night and it changes. What was hot last night is not tonight.

MADELINE

Also, adjust your sleeping patterns for maximum partying. Mid-to-late-afternoon sleeping allows the best all-night stamina.

RORY

Okay. You got that, Paris?

PARIS

Were we really friends at one point?

MADELINE

They do card at the clubs, but there's a million ways around it. Major flirting...

LOUISE

A sexy voice...

MADELINE

And, if all that fails, make out.

RORY

With who?

LOUISE

Each other.

PARIS

Excuse me?

MADELINE

We found that if we kiss each other, we can get anything we want from guys.

LOUISE

Free drinks, food...

MADELINE

T-shirts, boat rides, Frisbees...

LOUISE

Earrings, Seadoos...

RORY

Okay. Well, that is a good tip.

PARIS

Yeah, maybe later I'll pants you for an Altoid.

MADELINE

Hey, where are you staying?

RORY

The Sea Sprite.

MADELINE

That's cute.

LOUISE

We've made out there.

MADELINE

Louise, it's 1:00.

LOUISE

We've got to go get to bed.

MADELINE

We'll come see you tonight. [To lifeguard truck] Hey, guys!

LOUISE

How 'bout a lift?

RORY

I liked the pants-you-for-an-Altoid thing.

RORY

Oh, my God, I'm starving.

PARIS

I can't believe what a great video store that was.

RORY

A little research before a trip never hurts.

PARIS

Pizza and "The Power of Myth"

RORY

A perfect evening. [Sees Paris checking the phone.] What?

PARIS

Nothing- just checking the messages, that's all.

RORY

Are you expecting a call from Asher?

PARIS

No, I'm not expecting a call. He's at a conference in Denver, so I'm not expecting a call. I mean, he knows I'm here, and I left him a contact number in case of emergencies, but not expecting a call. [Goes and puts movie in.] God, I love this. I've seen it four times.

RORY

Five.

PARIS

Seriously?

RORY

It was almost six, but my mom tried to be funny one day and hid it.

PARIS

I thought you and your mom got along?

RORY

Even we have our dark periods. [Looking & listening outside.] Wow, it sounds like quite a party out there.

PARIS

Yep.

RORY

I think someone just got thrown in the pool.

PARIS

I hope it's the guy who took my five bucks and never brought me a root beer.

RORY

This is a good song. Okay, I'm sorry, are we doing this right?

PARIS

Doing what right?

RORY

Spring break. I mean, we're in here alone with Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers, and everyone else is out there with...

PARIS

Everyone else?

RORY

Yeah.

PARIS

But...we love Bill Moyers.

RORY

Yes, we do love Bill Moyers. But we did come here for spring break, and I'm just wondering if we're not spring-breaking the way you're supposed to spring break.

PARIS

You're probably right.

RORY

I mean, if we're here, we should probably commit.

PARIS

Try to experience the entire event.

RORY

With other people, outside this room.

PARIS

Okay. Let's do it. Let's commit.

RORY

Okay. Starting now?

PARIS

Starting now.

RORY

Tomorrow's fine, too.

PARIS

Absolutely.

MADELINE

I got $5 on the blond with the tattoo.

LOUISE

You always go for the tattoos.

PARIS

God, I'm starving. I haven't had anything but vending-machine junk. There's nothing around here. I would kill for something non-synthetic. [Gets splashed] Ohh! Perfect.

RORY

[Talking on cell phone]: Okay, forget I said "giant Q-tips." They're not hitting each other with giant Q-tips.

LORELAI

But now I can't get giant Q-tips out of my head. It's too powerful a visual.

RORY

I know, I'm sorry.

LORELAI

So how is it?

RORY

It's good so far.

LORELAI

Yeah, how good?

RORY

I haven't had a drink yet.

LORELAI

Okay, are you sure you weren't drinking, and that's why you think they're giant Q-tips?

RORY

[Watching Sean go by] Um...maybe.

LORELAI

Hello? What just happened?

RORY

Hmm?

LORELAI

You sound distracted. Did something cute just walk by?

RORY

Um...no. No, I was just trying to think of something better to describe the, uh, the giant Q-tips. So I'll call you later, okay?

LORELAI

No windows.

RORY

No windows. [Hangs up. Madeline and Louise stare at her.] What?

LOUISE

Excellent taste.

MADELINE

What's his name?

RORY

Whose name?

LOUISE

The guy you were just staring at.

RORY

I wasn't staring.

MADELINE

[Looks across the pool] Oh, no.

LOUISE

The twins.

MADELINE

God, they're everywhere.

RORY

So?

MADELINE

We can't compete against twins.

LOUISE

Especially once they caught on to the whole kissing thing. Let's find another pool.

MADELINE

We'll see you guys tonight.

RORY

Okay.

PARIS

Hey, why don't you go get us something at the bar?

RORY

What?

PARIS

Then you can go talk to that guy.

RORY

Uh, that's okay.

PARIS

Come on- go. Flirting seems to be a very big part of this spring break ritual, and I'm taken. I can't flirt. I have to live vicariously through you.

RORY

Well...

MAN ON LOUDSPEAKER

The banana-eating contest is about to start on the upper level.

PARIS

Oh, real food. Thank god.

RORY

Um...Paris. [Paris leaves.]

RORY

[To Sean] Hey, um, do you know what those things are called that they hit each other in the pool with?

SEAN

No, I don't.

RORY

Oh, just wondering.

SEAN

Do I lose points for that?

RORY

No, no points lost.

GUY

Hey, Sean, man, come on!

SEAN

Comin'. See ya.

RORY

Oh, okay. See ya.

PARIS

I must be crazy for thinking a banana-eating contest was about eating a banana!

MADELINE

You guys want something?

RORY

Maybe later.

LOUISE

We'll be back.

RORY

Wow, quite a scene.

PARIS

Yeah, I guess we found the hot place tonight.

RORY

Yep, no one can sniff out the hip like we can.

PARIS

Okay, so, here we are. We should do something.

RORY

What?

PARIS

I don't know.

RORY

We could dance.

PARIS

Dance... okay, sure. Let's- let's dance.

RORY

Okay, let's dance. [Both start dancing.] This is fun.

PARIS

Yep. [Sees Sean in the background.] Hey, I think your husband's here.

RORY

What? Where?

PARIS

Why don't you go buy him a drink?

RORY

What, like a nice ginger ale?

PARIS

Well, maybe you could get Madeline and Louise to buy a drink for you, and then you could go bring it to him.

RORY

[As Sean walks off] Well, that was the shortest relationship ever.

PARIS

What?

RORY

He looked, he saw, he changed his mind.

PARIS

Sorry. [Looks around the club.] Okay, what is going on here?

RORY

What?

PARIS

Why is every single person in this place having a better time than we are?

RORY

Well, I don't know that they are.

PARIS

Look around. Every single person in this place is having a better time than we are. Why? I mean, we've been doing everything everybody else is. We're here, in the hot place.

RORY

So we're not great dancers. We did the hanging out at the pool part pretty well.

PARIS

We're not trying hard enough.

RORY

What are you talking about? This is not a test.

PARIS

We came here to do spring break, and we are going to do spring break.

RORY

Well, what else do you suggest we do? [Paris kisses Rory] [Rory squeals] What are you doing? Are you crazy?

PARIS

Well, Madeline and Louise do it.

RORY

Madeline and Louise wear their underwear outside of their clothes. I don't want to do what Madeline and Louise do.

PARIS

I just thought-

RORY

Just stop thinking, okay? Your thinking is very, very dangerous. [Starts to head for the exit]

PARIS

Rory...

RORY

Get away from me! You're not my type.

PARIS

Will you just wait?

RORY

[Stops] What?

PARIS

How was I?

RORY

What?

PARIS

As a kisser?

RORY

[Starts for the exit again] Oh, man!

PARIS

Well, I've always wanted to know, and you can't ask a guy 'cause that's a sign of low self esteem, which I've read is really not sexy. So tell me- how am I? Too stiff? Do I need to relax my lips a little, maybe open my mouth more, make it more inviting?

RORY

I need some fresh air.

SEAN

Hey. Where you goin'?

RORY

Um, outside.

SEAN

Can I come with you?

RORY

Oh, well...

SEAN

Maybe your girlfriend wants to come, too.

RORY

My girlfriend?

SEAN

I gotta tell you- that was some kiss.

RORY

Oh, my God!

LORELAI

So the movie was good. Nice to see Michael Caine working again. Which was sarcastic... 'cause he works a lot... constantly. [Chuckles] Never says "no" to anything, which can be risky, you know? Lowers your batting average.

JASON

Well, I'm glad you liked it.

LORELAI

[Sighs] Jason, you're making me work too hard tonight.

JASON

[Sighs] I know.

LORELAI

I mean, I wore the cute boots, you know? Do you see the cute boots?

JASON

Very cute boots.

LORELAI

Well, I've had a full night, what with the walking straight, the balancing, and the not yelping out in pain. If I'd known I'd also had to do all the talking, I-

JASON

I think I did it wrong.

LORELAI

You did what wrong?

JASON

The key that I gave you.

LORELAI

The key...to your apartment?

JASON

The key was supposed to say something.

LORELAI

So it's a talking key.

JASON

Look, you and I are hitting that point in a relationship where I usually break it off.

LORELAI

Oh, well, gee, should we get a cake?

JASON

Every single time with every other woman I've been involved with, this is about the time that I would...

LORELAI

[Sighs] Bolt?

JASON

I was gonna say "run," but "bolt" sounds much more masculine, so yeah, sure, "bolt."

LORELAI

Well, it's time to bolt. Okay, good thing you're not wearing my boots.

JASON

[Sighs] I don't think I'm doing this right, either.

LORELAI

No, no, you're doing it just fine. It's cold, so...

JASON

The other night I woke up and the timer went off in my head- "Hey, buddy, it's about that time." So I did what I always do. I thought about you, and I thought about us, and I thought about all the things that bother me, and I came up with nothing.

LORELAI

Nothing?

JASON

I went over it and over it in my head. That feeling, that "I want out" feeling- it wasn't there. What was there was the very strong sense that if I did...bolt... I might as well go out and find a pointy hat, a stool, and a classroom full of sixth graders, because I'd be an absolute idiot to screw this up. So I went out and made the key.

LORELAI

The talking key.

JASON

And I was hoping that the key would say that this is different, and that I want you in my life a lot more than you are now.

LORELAI

Wow. Well, I mean, it would have been more interesting to hear that from the key... it's definitely more romantic hearing it from you.

JASON

I'm gonna go take care of Mr. Caine for you now.

LORELAI

I would appreciate that.

JASON

Good night.

LORELAI

Good night, Jason. [Goes inside house, check answering machine]

LUKE

[On answering machine] Hey, it's Luke. I'm sorry to be calling you like this, but I was wondering if, when you get this message, you could come pick me up 'cause I need a ride. I'm in Litchfield, the corner of Mason and Pine. It's a big, white building. You'll recognize it by the police sign outside because, oh, hell, I'm in jail. Okay, there I said it. Long story. I'll tell you when you get here. Thanks... if you come. Oh, one more thing. I need to borrow a little money- 300 bucks. It's just a loan, and, oh, hell, it's for my bail. [Yells into background] I'm gettin' off now! Relax!

MADELINE

I think the two of you would make a great couple.

RORY

No way.

PARIS

Why not?

RORY

You're way too high maintenance for me.

LOUISE

The whole place was buzzing about the kiss.

MADELINE

Even the twins were jealous.

RORY

Super, great. Love to hear that.

MADELINE

Who needs more? Everybody? Good. I'll be right back.

LOUISE

So, Paris, how's the Princeton man?

PARIS

Jaime and I broke up.

RORY

Paris has a different man now.

LOUISE

You do?

PARIS

I'm dating a professor.

LOUISE

Tenured?

PARIS

Ages ago.

LOUISE

[Chuckling] Well, Anna Nicole, look at you.

PARIS

He's brilliant, a writer, very distinguished, handsome. Don't you think he's handsome?

RORY

Handsome? Sure, very handsome.

PARIS

He's a real man. He's just so amazing. I still can't believe that we're together, you know?

MADELINE

I made them a little stronger this time.

RORY

Oh, cool, it will be fun to watch the cups dissolve.

LOUISE

Paris bagged herself an older man.

MADELINE

Oh, I love older men. They take you to the best restaurants.

PARIS

He went to a conference in Denver this week. He was so nice, you know- really excited about me coming to Florida. He thinks it's a good idea to hang out with people my own age. I kind of hoped that he would invite me to go to Denver with him but, you know, he didn't.

RORY

He had to work, Paris.

PARIS

I know, or he's sick of me.

RORY

No.

PARIS

Maybe he's going to dump me.

LOUISE

Mmm -- does he still buy you jewelry?

PARIS

He's never bought me jewelry.

MADELINE

He hasn't? How much money does he have?

PARIS

Asher isn't rich.

MADELINE

Not rich?

LOUISE

Oh, curiouser and curiouser.

RORY

You're just being paranoid. He wants you to have fun. And someone who wants you to have fun is someone who cares about you... both of you because there are two of you, and they're spinning.

MADELINE

Good punch.

RORY

Just keep me away from any windows, please.

LOUISE

Whatever happened to that boyfriend of yours?

RORY

Who, Jess?

LOUISE

No.

RORY

Oh, Dean.

MADELINE

Dean, that's it.

LOUISE

How's Dean? God, he was gorgeous.

RORY

He's fine.

MADELINE

Is he still gorgeous?

RORY

Oh, yes. Definitely, yes.

LOUISE

You two aren't together?

RORY

No, actually he's married.

MADELINE

What?

LOUISE

Why?

RORY

Well, he met Lindsay, and they got married. She's pretty, blond, tall, leggy.

PARIS

Oh, good, just what the world needs -- another one of those.

RORY

She's nice, too.

LOUISE

Prediction...

MADELINE

She's psychic.

PARIS

Since when?

LOUISE

Since about six months ago. I think it's not gonna last.

PARIS

Two married 19-year-olds won't make it- boy, that's a risky bet.

LOUISE

I think it's not gonna last because he was way too in love with you.

RORY

No. But we've been broken up for a long time.

LOUISE

But he only had eyes for you, girlfriend- a deep, long, soulful Rory-eyes.

RORY

No, not anymore.

PARIS

You don't talk at all anymore?

RORY

No, we still talk. We're still friends.

MADELINE

Yes, you are. Cell phone friends.

LOUISE

You have your ex-boyfriend's number in your cell phone?

RORY

I told you we were friends.

LOUISE

First loves are very intense.

MADELINE

My mom's still in love with her first love. She tells my father that over and over and... oops, I think I just dialed his number.

RORY

Madeline, no!

MADELINE

Oh, my God, it's ringing!

RORY

Hang up!

MADELINE

It's his voice mail. Oh, sexy voice. Oops, I think it's gonna... it beeped.

MADELINE

Talk.

RORY

Dean, hi. [Laughs nervously] It's Rory. I'm sorry to call you like this, but we're on spring break... [Laughs] ...And, um, I don't know if you remember Madeline and Louise, but they're evil, and we were just talking about you. Um, hi. How are you? I'm gonna hang up now, so bye. Sorry, good-bye. [To Madeline] I'm going to kill you! Oh, my God, I'm so gonna kill you! It's going to be bad and death-like, and... I'm gonna go for a walk because this punch is starting to live up to its name.

PARIS

I'll go with you.

RORY

Don't move because I'm going to come back to kill you.

MADELINE

We'll be here. [Laughs]

LUKE

There- my truck.

LORELAI

[Sighs] You know, Luke, you don't have to tell me what happened unless you want to. But I promise I won't ask you about it again... ever... in this lifetime or the next. You know, I'll just tell Shirley MacLaine, "Hey, look, back off, Shirl. If Luke had wanted me to know, he would have told me back in my other lifetime, and I certainly don't expect-"

LUKE

I wanted to see who owned the socks.

LORELAI

And did you?

LUKE

I think so. I just had a feeling tonight. Nicole was kind of vague on her plans, so I told her I'd stay at the diner. And then I drove up here, and I parked, and I waited. And then this car pulled up, and she got out with him. And, uh, they went inside, and I watched them go.

LORELAI

And you're sure he's the owner of the socks?

LUKE

Well, I didn't ask him, but he's the owner of the socks. And if he isn't, the picture's still not looking very good.

LORELAI

I agree with you there.

LUKE

Anyway, I sat here and watched them go inside. I had all these thoughts rolling around in my head. I mean, how could she do this, you know? In there- in our house. I mean, I... I put bookshelves up in there.

LORELAI

If it makes you feel any better, I don't think he's using your bookshelves.

LUKE

I suddenly just got so mad, you know, I lost it. I had to do something, so I got out and marched up to his car, and I kicked it.

LORELAI

You kicked his car?

LUKE

Oh, hey, I kicked it hard and over and over and over again.

LORELAI

Oh, you beat up his car.

LUKE

And then, all of a sudden, these cops pull up, 'cause some busybody in the neighborhood saw some lunatic attacking a car, and, well, you know the rest.

LORELAI

Did Nicole see you?

LUKE

I don't know. I don't know what she and the sock man saw. It's just...[Sighs] God, I feel like such an idiot. I mean, suddenly I became like one of those guys that gets jealous and, you know, does crazy things.

LORELAI

Yeah, you weren't "like" one of those guys. You were one of those guys.

LUKE

[Snickers] Yeah, well...

LORELAI

Was there any damage?

LUKE

No. [Pauses, then gets out of the Jeep]

LORELAI

Luke... [She follows] Hey, Luke, where are you going?

LUKE

See? Nothing- not a scratch. Those stupid dent-resistant panels.

LORELAI

This is the car?

LUKE

Yes, this is the car. He sat there. She sat there. They got out there, walked up there. I jumped out there, ran up here, was handcuffed there, was driven off there. I went to jail. And you drove all the way up here to get me... and they are still in there!

LORELAI

Oh, Luke.

LUKE

I mean, I can't believe they're still in there. What are they doing?

LORELAI

Luke, come on.

LUKE

I know what they're doing. But even if you took one of those pills that they were hawking at the super bowl, you know, they should have been done in four or five hours, tops. I mean, that commercial said it all- "If you're still active after four hours, you should call a damn doctor."

LORELAI

Come on, why don't we --

LUKE

What are they, talking? Making plans in my house? Damn son of a... [Starts kicking the car.]

LORELAI

Luke...

LUKE

[continues kicking] You lying piece of sockless garbage! Why don't you take home my socks, too?

LORELAI

Hey, hey! Luke- Luke, you were busted already once tonight -- that's it.

LUKE

All right, I'm fine. I'm fine.

LORELAI

Are you sure?

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Pretty soon, that car's gonna start fighting back.

LUKE

I'm fine...really. I'm fine.

LORELAI

[Sighs] You know, Luke, I know I've never really been Miss "This-is-great" about your relationship, but I am- I am so, so sorry. You don't deserve this. You really don't deserve this.

LUKE

Yeah. [Sighs] I guess that's it.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Well, at least I finally got to see your house.

PARIS

Whoo, fresh air is good.

RORY

Fresh air is healthy.

PARIS

I'm feeling better.

RORY

Gotta sit.

PARIS

Me too.

RORY

What was in the punch? Did we ask?

PARIS

Nope.

RORY

Should we have asked?

PARIS

That's not what the cool kids do.

RORY

I'm loving the spinning beach. How about you?

PARIS

Oh, yeah.

RORY

So are we done?

PARIS

With what?

RORY

Spring break. Are we done?

PARIS

I don't know.

RORY

Well, let's go down the list.

PARIS

Okay, we came.

RORY

Check.

PARIS

We danced.

RORY

Check.

PARIS

We drank.

RORY

Check.

PARIS

We...threw up.

RORY

We didn't throw up.

PARIS

Give us 10 more minutes.

RORY

Right.

PARIS

Basically, we're done.

RORY

I feel like we have officially participated.

PARIS

We've experienced the entire social ritual.

RORY

I have absolutely no desire to ever feel this way again.

PARIS

Let's go home.

RORY

How? We're supposed to stay the rest of the weekend.

PARIS

Frequent-flyer miles, baby.

RORY

Cool peanuts. I'm in.

PARIS

Great. I'll call as soon as I can get up.

RORY

[Looking at ocean] What's that?

PARIS

What?

RORY

Oh, my God! Glenn! What happened to you?

PARIS

The last time we saw you, you went to get a hot dog.

GLENN

[emerging from the water] Hot dog? Hot dog. Hot dog. [Runs up the beach toward the hotel crazily.] Ahhhh! Ahh! Ahhhhhh! Ahh! Ahhhhhhh!

RORY

You gotta admit, it's been a pretty good trip.

LORELAI

So I call this place where you were supposedly staying, and some punk at the desk tells me-

RORY

I said I was sorry.

LORELAI

"I'm sorry, ma'am, she's not here anymore." My-my-my heart flew out of my chest. And not just because he called me "ma'am." Which by the way, I hate.

RORY

I didn't mean to freak you out.

LORELAI

You don't take off without telling Mommy.

RORY

I love that I didn't have to clear it with you to go on spring break, but I had to clear it with you to come home.

LORELAI

I had visions of you being swallowed by a whale or taking off with some surfers to go chase the perfect wave and not inviting me.

RORY

It just got to be way too much fun.

LORELAI

Yeah? How much is "too much?"

RORY

I had a drink.

LORELAI

And?

RORY

Paris and I took turns throwing up.

LORELAI

That's the way you girls will find yourselves a husband.

RORY

It was fine- aspirin, tons of water, mac and cheese...

LORELAI

Ahh, my baby's discovered her first hangover food. I wish I had a picture to put next to your clay handprint.

RORY

I think I still have the box.

LORELAI

Send it to me. So how was it?

RORY

It was interesting, you know? We sat on the beach, went to a club, we watched "The Power of Myth," Paris and I kissed...

LORELAI

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You watched "The Power of Myth"?

RORY

[The other phone line beeps.] Hold on a sec.

LORELAI

I hid that from you!

RORY

Hello?

DEAN

Hey, Rory, it's me.

RORY

Hi, um, Dean. Hold on a sec. Mom, I have to call you back.

LORELAI

You did not spend spring break with Bill Moyers.

RORY

Bye. [To Dean] Hi.

DEAN

So, uh, I got your message.

RORY

Oh, yeah?

DEAN

Yeah. [Chuckling] It sounds like you were, uh, having a pretty good time out there. And I got a lot of questions. I even wrote a couple down. Are you ready?