T4E18: “Tick, Tick, Tick, Boom!”

LORELAI

All right, Davey, here comes the airplane.

JACKSON

What did they say to kids to get them to open their mouths before there were planes?

SOOKIE

"Here comes the choo-choo."

JACKSON

And before there were trains?

LORELAI

"Here comes the spoon."

JACKSON

That's so on the nose.

LORELAI

One more bite, honey. Come on, now. Here comes the airplane again. It's flying through the air. It's beginning its descent. It's commencing its approach. It's lowering the landing gear.

LUKE

[approaches the table]. It's signaled the ground crew. They're flipping their flashlight thingies. Would you shove that in the kid's mouth?

LORELAI

Oh, look -- it's Bilbo Baloneypuss just in from the shire.

LUKE

Just hurry up and order.

LORELAI

What's the rush?

LUKE

I don't like babies.

JACKSON

[jumps to his feet] Hey! Huh. I suddenly felt violently protective. [pause] It's gone. [sits again]

LUKE

It's the noise they make.

LORELAI

This baby has not made a peep.

LUKE

He will and at the worst possible moment.

LORELAI

Like when you're defusing a bomb or something?

SOOKIE

[gasps] That would be awkward.

LUKE

You've got one minute to order, then six minutes to eat.

LORELAI

Yessiree, come on down to Luke's, where the motto is "eat it, then beat it."

LUKE

One minute.

TAYLOR

Hello, all.

LORELAI

Taylor.

TAYLOR

Top o' the morning to you.

LORELAI

Top o' the -

SOOKIE

Yeah, on top there, you got the -

JACKSON

It's definitely -- it's a -

SOOKIE

Beautiful top. It's --

LORELAI

Top o' the morning right back at you. You were just on a cruise, weren't you?

TAYLOR

Yes, and it was heaven. The Caribbean -- ever been?

LORELAI

I'm sorry. What did you say?

TAYLOR

Ever been to the Caribbean?

LORELAI

God, I'm sorry. I missed it again.

TAYLOR

Never mind. Uh, Luke, I have an issue I need to discuss with you.

LUKE

Good -- something to write about in my diary.

TAYLOR

There is a distinct odor outside our establishments, and I have to assume it's coming from the diner.

LUKE

There's no odor coming from my diner.

TAYLOR

It wasn't there when I left for my trip. Where else could it be emanating from?

LUKE

I don't know. Have you checked underneath that thing on your head?

TAYLOR

I'm combing it differently.

LUKE

The comb didn't loosen the glue?

JACKSON

You know, I smelled something, too, but it was across the square.

SOOKIE

Me, too, over by the hair stand -- newsstand.

MAN SITTING AT COUNTER

I smelled it by Gypsy's -- horrible.

TAYLOR

So the whole town smells? How can that be possible?

LORELAI

It is an old town -- 200 years.

JACKSON

So, it's decaying from age?

TAYLOR

Or we've got skunks again.

KIRK

[from a nearby table] I think you're right, Taylor!

TAYLOR

Ten years ago we got infested. They crawled under houses, met their fate, and the town smelled for weeks.

KIRK

That must be it, Taylor! Good work. Good work!

TAYLOR

Thank you, Kirk. I'm going to have to mobilize the community. We've got the flower show coming up. We have to deal with this quickly.

KIRK

Let me go door to door and make sure every townsman looks under his house, Taylor. I'll even knock some heads together -- get medieval on their ass.

TAYLOR

That's a nice offer, Kirk, but the block captains will see it gets done. I better start making my calls. [leaves]

LUKE

[walks back to the table] Your minute's up. Order.

LORELAI

We're not ready.

LUKE

Then it's coming out of your eating time.

SOOKIE

Hey, get violently protective so Luke will back off.

JACKSON

I don't know if I can summon it like that.

SOOKIE

Try.

JACKSON

Argh-eee! Luke.

LUKE

In five minutes, you're all gone. [walks off]

JACKSON

[ Sighs ] I let you down.

LORELAI

The "argh" was good, and then you kind of petered out.

JACKSON

I need to practice more.

SOOKIE

You'll get it there.

LORELAI

Read, read. [glancing nervously at impatient Luke]

LORELAI

Try it against that wall there.

MICHEL

We've already tried it there.

DEAN

It's no problem.

MICHEL

No problem for you, but this is giving me cuticle damage. Do you know how long cuticle damage takes to heal?

DEAN

Thank God, no.

LORELAI

No, it doesn't work there either.

MICHEL

What an enormous shock. Anywhere else you want to try it -- maybe at the Lincoln Memorial on his giant lap?

LORELAI

How 'bout over there?

SOOKIE

Yeah, there.

MICHEL

I'm sending you my manicure bill.

DEAN

Yes, mine, too.

MICHEL

Don't be snotty.

TOM

[enters carrying clipboard] Seems a little out of place no matter where you put it.

LORELAI

Yeah, unfortunately.

TOM

If you'd ordered it from me, I would have guaranteed it. You didn't order it from me.

LORELAI

I know, we ordered it before we hired you. We should have waited.

TOM

It's always best to do it through your contractor. [exits]

DEAN

I don't think it fits here.

MICHEL

Oh, my God, I'm getting a blister.

SOOKIE

Hey, how about by the front desk?

LORELAI

We could give it a shot.

MICHEL

That's it! I'm jumping off the Amistad. This is heavy, my back hurts, I'm not moving it again.

DEAN

No problem. [grabs bookcase] I can do it. [carries to front desk]

MICHEL

It's not me. It really is heavy.

DEAN

You mean here?

TOM

They already tried it there.

SOOKIE

I think it's a lost cause.

LORELAI

We've got the Dennis Kucinich of bookcases.

TOM

I wish you'd gone through me.

LORELAI

I could just give it to Rory. She could use it at Yale.

LINDSAY

[enters from front door] Hi, everybody.

SOOKIE & LORELAI

Hi!

LINDSAY

Hi, Michel.

MICHEL

Hi, Lindsay. [standing slightly hunched]

LINDSAY

Are you okay? You're standing kind of funny.

MICHEL

It's nothing funny. It is how you stand in these pants.

LINDSAY

Keys, please.

DEAN

You got it. [They kiss.]

LORELAI

Annette and Frankie really found each other.

SOOKIE

They float together. Y'know, they just sort of float.

LORELAI

It's off-the-charts adorable.

MICHEL

[frowning] Yep. The Deans of the world always get the Lindsays. The pretty little things just like the bookcase lifters.

LORELAI

That's a category -- jocks, nerds, bookcase lifters?

MICHEL

I was born with this bad back. It was heretical.

LORELAI

Congenital.

MICHEL

Ugh! Well, I hate that bookcase. I wish you had never ordered it. I wish you had never thought of it. I can't even be in the same room with it, mocking me for how alone I am.

LORELAI

It's mocking you?

SOOKIE

It's three pieces of wood.

MICHEL

Well, I hate it -- hate it, hate it, hate it!

TOM

[appears] If you had ordered it from me, he wouldn't be experiencing this psychological trauma.

LORELAI

I mean, they were extremely common until just recently -- historically recently, not recently like "metrosexual is a word now" recently, but recently.

EMILY

Are we still talking about anvils?

LORELAI

Yes, where did all the anvils go?

EMILY

You're talking about those big, heavy, metal things?

LORELAI

That blacksmiths hammered horseshoes and stuff on. Everyone had them. They were featured prominently in every movie western, so where did they all go?

RICHARD

I don't know that they were that common.

LORELAI

Wile E. Coyote used them. That's how common they were.

EMILY

Who?

LORELAI

The cartoon. He was always trying to drop an anvil on the Road Runner's head or shoot it at him out of a giant slingshot or fire it at him out of a cannon. Inevitably, the cannon tilted up, shot it in the air, it fell down, and made an anvil-shaped impression on Wile E. Coyote's head.

EMILY

This is a cartoon?

LORELAI

No, no, this just happened to me the other day. I was walking down the street, and this giant anvil -- yes, mother, it's a cartoon.

RORY

I know she sounds nuts, but it's a very common cartoon.

RICHARD

But that doesn't prove that anvils were so common.

LORELAI

It does. It proves that anvils were so ubiquitous at one point -- is that the word, ubiquitous?

RORY

It depends on where you're going.

LORELAI

That they knew that children would know what they were and delight in them. That's how common they were -- children watching cartoons.

RORY

That was the word.

RICHARD

I've forgotten your point.

LORELAI

Where are all the anvils? I mean, is there some sort of secret anvil storage facility the government is keeping from us?

RICHARD

Or they fell into disuse with the advent of other technologies, and so they melted them down and they're gone.

LORELAI

But they're not supposed to melt. They were made to withstand the red-hot hammer of the town blacksmith.

EMILY

This is easily the most pointless conversation we've ever had.

LORELAI

I don't hear anyone chiming in with rational theories.

EMILY

Please change the subject, I beg of you, anyone.

RICHARD

Well the girls don't know the big news about Jason and me.

LORELAI

You're pregnant?

RICHARD

We're acquiring another company.

LORELAI

I was close.

RORY

Already? You just started yours.

RICHARD

The insurance business is changing so rapidly, you have to adapt to keep up.

RORY

It's a dog-eat-dog world, Grandpa.

RICHARD

Don't get the wrong idea. It's not a big company. It's smaller than ours, but very powerful.

LORELAI

Wait, the company is smaller than yours? Your company is two guys -- you and Jason.

RICHARD

This company is a one-man operation -- Bob Sutton.

LORELAI

So, you're acquiring Bob?

RICHARD

We're acquiring his company, and his company is him.

LORELAI

Did he have to give himself two weeks' notice? [Rory snickers.]

RICHARD

No.

LORELAI

Is there gonna be a sad little going-away party where he brings in his own cake and blows out his candles?

RICHARD

We are all celebrating with a dinner tomorrow -- us and the wives.

EMILY

Ugh.

LORELAI

You're not big on the Bob?

EMILY

Bob's fine. We've known him for years. It's that dolt he's married to -- classic trophy wife.

RICHARD

She is quite young.

LORELAI

How young?

EMILY

Her car looks [high, squeaky voice] just like Barbie's.

RICHARD

Regardless, I hope you will be kind to her at dinner.

EMILY

I'll have to bring my English-to-dumbbell dictionary.

RICHARD

Try and focus on Bob. Bob's as sharp as they come.

EMILY

He's very brilliant, I'll give you that.

LORELAI

Bob's brilliant, huh?

RICHARD

He's a Rhodes scholar.

LORELAI

Ask him where the anvils went. ...Or not.

TAYLOR

And forty-seven cents comes to $5. Thank you, Mrs. Cassini.

MRS. CASSINI

Thank you. I don't know what it is about you, Taylor, but you look so healthy, so invigorated, so youthful.

TAYLOR

Thank you, Mrs. Cassini. [big grin] Must be the vacation.

MRS. CASSINI

Or the fake hair.

TAYLOR

[smile disolves] Come again, Mrs. Cassini. Tracy, change out the scoop water. It's an unsightly color. And tell Franklin when he gets here - [sees Kirk hovering] tell him that he keeps forgetting to punch out -- Kirk, something wrong?

KIRK

Well, I-I - [fiddles nervously]

TAYLOR

don't touch the candy.

KIRK

I'm sorry. I didn't want to touch the candy. It's just...

TAYLOR

Kirk, I just had a spat with my sourball distributor, and I'm not in the mood. Now, what's the trouble?

KIRK

It's eggs.

TAYLOR

What? What's eggs?

KIRK

In the square -- the smell. It's not skunks, it's eggs. Easter eggs from the Easter egg hunt.

TAYLOR

But Easter was over a week ago.

KIRK

And I did it just like you told me. I personally hid 300 eggs around the town square, and the kids had a blast hunting them down, except the Banyan boys. They're bad seeds. Going to hell -- both of them. But the kids only found 241 of them.

TAYLOR

Are you telling me that there are fifty-nine rotting eggs hidden in the square?

KIRK

I thought they would naturally decompose and just disappear.

TAYLOR

Eggs smell when they decompose.

KIRK

I just found that out. [Angry and speechless, Taylor walks away. Kirk follows him.] I find your hair very believable.

JASON

Nice shot. Beautiful!

RICHARD

You're being extremely charitable.

JASON

Oh, Richard, if I get that far on four shots, it would be a miracle on the order of loaves and fishes.

BOB

Yeah, and I'm in the sand.

RICHARD

I don't think any of us are gonna make Tiger shake in his spikes.

JASON'S CADDY

I'd go with a driver or 3-wood.

JASON

Whatever is gonna make me look less like Dorf.

BOB

You know, my wife's very excited about the merger, Richard -- very excited.

RICHARD

Oh, do give Trish our best. Emily and I were just talking about her -- terrific girl.

BOB

At least he held onto the club this time.

RICHARD

Now, it's hard to know whether he should yell "fore!" Or "duck!"

JASON

Why can't businessmen do deals over air hockey? I am great at air hockey. [A man approaches the group.]Oh, looky here.

RICHARD

Hmm? Your father?

JASON

One of the many hazards on this golf course.

FLOYD

I thought that was you. Groundskeeper must be unhappy that you're here today.

JASON

Aha. Divots -- I do produce a lot of divots. Good one.

FLOYD

Richard, nice to see you. [approaches and shakes hands]

RICHARD

Same here, Floyd.

FLOYD

And, Bob, didn't know you were a duffer.

BOB

More like spoiling a good walk.

RICHARD

You want to play through, Floyd?

FLOYD

Actually, I was heading back to the clubhouse, and you caught my eye. How's Emily?

RICHARD

She's fine.

FLOYD

Good health?

RICHARD

Very good. And Carol?

FLOYD

Fine, fine. You know, she really misses Emily -- misses her company.

RICHARD

And vice versa, I'm sure.

FLOYD

You couldn't drag those two apart at a function.

RICHARD

They were like conjoined twins.

FLOYD

I know she'd love to see Emily again.

RICHARD

I'm sure the feeling is mutual.

FLOYD

Well, then, perhaps we should get those two together.

RICHARD

Well, we could arrange that.

FLOYD

I can tell Carol to give her a call.

RICHARD

Any time.

FLOYD

You know, if it's a meal, we men could tag along if they'd let us.

RICHARD

That's a big "if," but that could happen.

FLOYD

Maybe Jason could tag along, too.

RICHARD

That would be a nice little gathering.

FLOYD

I'm out of town next week, but this Friday's free.

RICHARD

Friday would be perfect.

FLOYD

I hope it happens.

RICHARD

I hope so, too.

FLOYD

Glad to run into you.

RICHARD

Same here, Floyd.

FLOYD

Bob, Jason. [leaves]

RICHARD

[joins Jason] He wants to have dinner.

EMILY

Was it Carol's idea or Floyd's?

RICHARD

It's hard to say.

JASON

This is very good, Richard.

RICHARD

It was public. The whole club saw.

EMILY

But did he say that Carol had wanted it or that he had wanted it? [to Jason] What did you hear?

JASON

I was out of earshot.

RICHARD

Rapprochement with Floyd Stiles. Never in my wildest dreams.

JASON

And it came from him. Who saw this coming?

EMILY

Did he bring up Carol before or after he brought up the dinner?

RICHARD

I didn't have a tape recorder, Emily.

EMILY

I'll offer to host it here. I've got the perfect menu. Friday, right? So it's Lorelai and Rory, too.

RICHARD

Well, Friday was his suggestion. I wasn't in a position to counter.

EMILY

No, of course not. That's fine.

RICHARD

And he saw us with Bob, too.

JASON

And still he made the offer.

RICHARD

Acquiring Bob was a great idea.

EMILY

There'll be seven of us. That's an unbalanced table, but that's okay. Oh, this is wonderful!

RICHARD

Floyd wants peace.

JASON

So it seems.

RORY

[opens door] Dean.

DEAN

Surprise.

RORY

What are you doing here?

DEAN

Um, I come bearing gifts.

RORY

A bookcase?

DEAN

[carries it into dorm] Yeah, the one from the inn. Do you see what's going on out there?

GLENN

[muttering to himself] Almost there, almost there. [breathing heavily as another student passes him on stairs] Thanks for the help.

DEAN

Should I give him a hand?

RORY

If he doesn't work for his inebriation, he won't appreciate it. There's a big party on Friday night. It must be for that.

DEAN

Yeah? You going?

RORY

I have two papers due, so I'll be in Stars Hollow avoiding the fray. I'll just have a brewski there.

DEAN

[ Laughs ] So, uh, which way's your room?

RORY

Thataway. [Dean carries the bookcase to her room.]

RORY

So, where did this come from?

DEAN

Well, your mom had it made for the Dragonfly, but it didn't fit, so she thought you could use it here. She didn't tell you?

RORY

Nope.

DEAN

Small.

RORY

Yes.

DEAN

There's no place to put this.

RORY

Yes again.

DEAN

What was your mom thinking?

RORY

That I have books, and that's probably the extent of it.

DEAN

Right. So, I guess I'll take it back.

RORY

I'm sorry you had to make the trip.

DEAN

No, it's okay. It's kind of nice seeing where you live.

RORY

So, are you on your way back to school?

DEAN

Oh, no, I'm just off from work. I'm actually gonna take a little break from that.

RORY

From what, school?

DEAN

Yeah, just for a semester or two, you know.

RORY

A semester or two? But I thought it was going so well.

DEAN

It was. It's just that Lindsay and I really need some extra money right now, and this job with Tom has been perfect.

RORY

Extra money for what?

DEAN

What do you mean? For life, things.

RORY

What kind of things?

DEAN

Well, um, Lindsay's got her heart set on having a townhouse by the end of the year, and we're kind of cramped where we are, so I think it's a good idea.

RORY

You do?

DEAN

Yeah.

RORY

I don't.

DEAN

What?

RORY

I think it's a horrible idea.

DEAN

It's just temporary.

RORY

Maybe.

DEAN

Rory.

RORY

A lot of people who drop out say that it's just temporary. It usually doesn't work out that way.

DEAN

I'm gonna go back.

RORY

I hope so.

DEAN

Have some faith, will you?

RORY

I just think this is a mistake.

DEAN

Rory, I'm married, remember? I have responsibilities.

RORY

You'll lose your momentum.

DEAN

I need the money.

RORY

Can't the townhouse wait?

DEAN

Jeez, lighten up.

RORY

I just think this is a really bad idea.

DEAN

Graduating from college doesn't guarantee you a job anymore. It's not like it was with our parents.

RORY

So you're not going back?

DEAN

You're twisting my words.

RORY

And you're just gonna work in construction?

DEAN

What, are you gonna get all elitist on me now?

RORY

We're friends, so I get to tell you what I think.

DEAN

Fine.

RORY

You should go to school.

DEAN

Great. Now you've told me three times. I get it. You don't need to tell me again, okay? [long pause] You want me to take this now?

RORY

Yes...no. Whatever you want.

DEAN

I'll take it now.

RORY

Fine.

TAYLOR

Attention, please! Everybody, if I may!

KIRK

[yelling above the crowd's murmuring] Let's have some attention, people!

TAYLOR

We all know why we're here. There are fifty-nine rotting Easter eggs hidden throughout the square, and we've got to find them. I know what you're thinking -- what about the map, the careful, detailed map of where the eggs are hidden made each year to avoid catastrophes such as this? [Kirk stares at his shoes] Well, a map was not made this year, good townsfolk. One was not made. Now, this work is going to be exhausting and, yes, disgusting, but as my way of thanking you, help yourself to lunch at Doose's market, where everything in our prepared-foods section will be discounted 5%, 20% for our day-old sushi. Now, with the flower show due in three days, we have a clock on this, people, but when I look out at this fine group of volunteers, my heart races with pride. I see America, and I am proud. Now, are there any questions?

GYPSY

What's with the toupee? [crowd laughs]

TAYLOR

It's not a toupee.

GYPSY

And I'm blond and leggy.

TAYLOR

Are there any legitimate questions from anyone? [ man raises his hand ] Yes, Joe?

JOE

I'm Jewish.

TAYLOR

Well, that's swell.

JOE

Is it okay for a Jew to hunt Easter eggs?

TAYLOR

That's between you and your Rabbi. [Jackson raises his hand] Jackson, a question?

JACKSON

Toupee guy says what?

TAYLOR

What? [laughter from crowd] What are you laughing about?

KIRK

Jackson said, "Toupee guy says what?" Inspiring your understandable response of "what?" Thus soliciting their childish laughter. It's infantile and a total clam.

TAYLOR

Please report every found egg to me, and I will keep the running total. Now, good luck, and let the hunt begin.

KIRK

We won't let you down, Taylor, because not only are we gonna find twenty eggs within the hour, [voice raises louder] but we're going on to find twenty-five... and then thirty... and then thirty-five... and then forty... [at the top of his lungs] and then forty-five and then fifty until we find all fifty-nine and take back the square! Yeeeeee-ahhhhh!

JACKSON

Hurt your throat?

KIRK

[hoarsely] Very badly.

JOE

Found one!

TAYLOR

Fifty-eight to go.

KIRK

[ Hoarsely ] Good job, Joe. [proceeds to run madly through the crowd around the square]

JASON

Okay, dinner is ready when the cow moos.

LORELAI

Mmm. Okay. [carrying potted plant] How about here? [set plant under stairs]

JASON

Not there.

LORELAI

Why not?

JASON

It's dark.

LORELAI

Yeah, that's the point. It's a dark corner. The plant livens it up.

JASON

Plants need light.

LORELAI

They do?

JASON

It's the "photo" part of photosynthesize.

LORELAI

Oh, don't some plants just synthesize?

JASON

They really need the photo part.

LORELAI

None of the plants I ever had needed light.

JASON

Any of them live?

LORELAI

No. [brief pause] Whoa, insight!

JASON

Poor thing doesn't stand a chance.

LORELAI

Hey, so, you ready for Friday?

JASON

Ohh, dinner with my parents?

LORELAI

You haven't seen them in a while.

JASON

Well, I've seen Mom occasionally, but Floyd and I really haven't spoken since the great schism, not that Harry Chapin isn't dying to rise from the grave and write a song about us. I'm a little nervous.

LORELAI

Yeah, I get that.

JASON

And he's gonna call me "Digger." Oh, he loves calling me "Digger." And he has hated every girl I have ever dated.

LORELAI

Um, really?

JASON

Yeah, mom, too. It's some sort of reverse Oedipal thing. And not just the ones I pick. They set me up with a girl they loved, and as soon as they found out I liked her, they turned on her viciously. She moved to Alaska.

LORELAI

Why are you telling me this?

JASON

Just a heads up.

LORELAI

All it's gonna do is make me nervous, and it has.

JASON

They don't know I'm going out with you, so it doesn't matter.

LORELAI

Well, they'll find out eventually.

JASON

Well, impress them now when they don't know. Preempt their gathering hatred.

LORELAI

Unless they end up hating me retroactively.

JASON

Oh, I have seen that, too.

LORELAI

Tony Robbins has nothing on you. [walks into living room]

JASON

Sorry.

LORELAI

Ooh, how about here? [sets plant on chair]

JASON

On the chair?

LORELAI

Yeah, it's not a very comfortable chair.

JASON

How about I just get a new chair?

LORELAI

That'll work.

JASON

You know, in a warped way, you being nervous has made me less nervous.

LORELAI

So there's a bright side.

JASON

Not that that was my intent.

LORELAI

Good to know. [cow moos in background ]

JASON

Dinner.

LANE

There was a death-to-disco movement in the late '70s -- very intense. We had Donna Summer on the run.

RORY

"We?" You weren't born yet.

LANE

I'm a kindred spirit.

RORY

Gotcha.

LANE

So where's the passion now, huh? Where is it?

RORY

There's disco to kill anymore. They wiped it out.

LANE

But there are other things that need wiping out -- phony rappers, most techno, alt country, Christian rock, anything fusion, classic alternative radio, where all they do is play the same Nirvana song over and over -- the Rubens, the Clays, the Clarksons. [they stroll past the center square where people still wander in search of eggs]

RORY

It's gonna be a bloodbath. What are they doing?

LANE

You smell that smell?

RORY

Yeah.

LANE

Taylor left Kirk in charge of the Easter egg hunt, and they didn't exactly find them all.

RORY

They lose the egg map?

LANE

They didn't make an egg map.

RORY

They didn't make an egg map?

LANE

I was just as shocked.

RORY

They always make an egg map.

TAYLOR

Let's have the hourly report, Joe.

JOE

Well, you know -

KIRK

[interrupting] We found three more, Taylor.

TAYLOR

I said, "Joe."

JOE

We found three more, Taylor.

TAYLOR

That's not good! That is not good! More than half are still missing, and every minute we have people deserting the cause. [stops in front of tree] What's this?

JACKSON

There's a couple in the tree. [Gypsy assists Jackson while he prods branches with a long pole)

TAYLOR

You hid them in a tree?

KIRK

Oh, right.

TAYLOR

They're completely out of reach of the children.

KIRK

The others I hid for the delight of the children. These I hid for me.

TAYLOR

[sighs] Get them down. This is not good. We are losing men, and we are losing -

TAYLOR

Time.

TAYLOR

[groaning] Oh, I miss the Caribbean. [walks off]

RORY

So, what are we looking for?

LANE

Well, we still have no fridge, no stove, and no microwave, so nothing perishable, nothing that requires boiling water, and nothing that needs to be cooked.

RORY

I'm guessing the day-old sushi is out.

LANE

It was never in.

RORY

Beef jerky?

LANE

Definitely.

RORY

And protein bars.

LANE

Oh, I'm sorry. When did I win the lottery?

RORY

Protein bars are a luxury?

LANE

They are when you live with guys that eat ten of everything when one's the correct portion. Got to keep that proportion cost low.

RORY

Pretzels.

LANE

Perfect.

RORY

And, of course, the perennial Pop-tart.

LANE

Oh, load up on those.

RORY

Did I tell you that Dean stopped by?

LANE

Where, Yale?

RORY

He was delivering a bookcase for my mom. Hey, you want a bookcase? It's free.

LANE

I'll take it. So, how's old Dean-boy doing?

RORY

He dropped out of college.

LANE

What? You're kidding!

RORY

Says he needs money. How about marshmallows?

LANE

Sure, and throw in a Park Avenue mansion while you're at it.

RORY

Another luxury -- got it.

LANE

So, he's just working full-time?

RORY

It's such a waste. Dean is so smart. He can do so much more. Hey, melba toast.

LANE

Cheap, tasteless, and filling.

RORY

I'll grab a bunch.

LANE

And I'll get one bag of marshmallows so the boys can have a treat afterwards.

RORY

I'm mad at Dean about doing this, but I'm more mad at Lindsay. She's so selfish.

LANE

Women.

RORY

She's his wife. She should be encouraging him to go to school and think about his future, but, no, she needs a townhouse and a Rolls-Royce.

LANE

[incredulous] They're buying a Rolls-Royce? [they continue strolling down aisle]

RORY

No, but they are the townhouse, and he didn't even seem that excited about it. It's just Lindsay. I mean, why doesn't she get a job. [they turn corner] What does she do all day? [Lindsay stands in the aisle speechless. After a pause she stomps off and out of the store.] So, you think -- you think she heard?

LUKE

Kirk?

KIRK

That's me.

LUKE

You want something?

KIRK

Why?

LUKE

Well, you usually get something here. You're in the diner.

KIRK

Oh, yes.

LUKE

Kirk?

KIRK

That's me.

LUKE

You want some coffee?

KIRK

Yes, please.

LUKE

Your eyes are spinning in different directions.

KIRK

I've been up for one and a half days straight. I haven't done that since the "Petticoat Junction" marathon in '97.

LUKE

Right. Caught a little of that myself.

TAYLOR

Luke, turkey sandwich on rye, please -- lettuce, tomato, cucumber.

LUKE

Coming right up.

KIRK

We're gonna do it, Taylor! We're gonna find those last twelve eggs!

TAYLOR

[ignores Kirk] Cole slaw, too.

KIRK

Every last one of them!

TAYLOR

And a pickle -- make it two.

KIRK

Joe and I can divide the square in two and sweep it clean till the job's done.

TAYLOR

I'm going to pay now and wait outside if you don't mind. [places sugar container on top of his money]

LUKE

I guess not.

KIRK

I'll take the east side, he'll take the west. That way we can --

TAYLOR

[slams sugar container on the counter] That's enough, Kirk!

KIRK

Hey, watch it.

TAYLOR

You're not satisfied that I'm suffering for what you've done to this town. You have to continue to personally torture me?

KIRK

We'll find the twelve!

TAYLOR

We won't find the twelve! You have brought disaster down upon us! Are you happy?!

KIRK

No.

TAYLOR

I left you in charge of things because I thought I could trust you, but you let me down. Now I have to cancel the flower show.

KIRK

No.

TAYLOR

I'm making the call tomorrow. The flower show is history.

KIRK

But we're only missing twelve!

TAYLOR

We have to find every last egg.

KIRK

Well, then, Joe and I --

TAYLOR

Joe just left for Cabala class. I have no men left.

KIRK

You have me left.

TAYLOR

I have no men left. [disgusted] I've lost my appetite.

LORELAI

Hi, guys. Wow, love the heaters.

EMILY

It's not too cold, is it? We thought we'd start the evening out here.

RORY

It's nice. [They wander to sit near Jason.]

RICHARD

No, no. I'm not seeing the olives that Floyd likes.

EMILY

They're in the back on the right. Is this cart in the best place?

RICHARD

Move it back?

EMILY

Move it back.

JASON

[murmuring] They keep moving everything back and forth -- the cart, the heater, me. I used to be over there.

LORELAI

They're perfectionists.

JASON

It's like watching an ant farm.

RICHARD

Oh! I should go grab that gin that Floyd likes. I've got some in the freezer.

EMILY

Maybe it was better in the other spot.

LORELAI

Patio looks great, Mom, really.

EMILY

I guess. Where's that awful light coming from?

RORY

I think it's the moon?

LORELAI

You're not thinking of having the moon moved, are you, Mom?

EMILY

I suppose it will move on its own at some point. [looks at Lorelai] You look nice.

LORELAI

Thank you.

EMILY

Why do you look so nice?

LORELAI

Because I knew this was an important night for you guys, I thought I would dress up a little.

EMILY

They're here. Richard, they're here! [walks off]

RORY

You do look especially nice tonight.

LORELAI

What is with everyone? It's not like I'm always in dirty sweats fresh from slopping the pigs.

RORY

You know what I mean. You don't have that just-came-from-work look about you.

LORELAI

A girl can't dress up a little?

JASON

Your mom's a little nervous.

LORELAI

[shushes Jason] Ta-ta-ta-da.

RORY

Oh, right. You're meeting the parents. I actually had not put that together before. That's why you showered.

LORELAI

That's not why I showered.

RICHARD

Here we are!

CAROL

Oh, your patio is beautiful, Emily!

EMILY

Thank you, Carol.

CAROL

[to Jason] Hi, honey. [They hug.]

JASON

Hi, Mom.

RICHARD

Floyd, Carol, our daughter, Lorelai,

FLOYD

How do you do.

RICHARD

And our granddaughter, Rory.

FLOYD

Hello.

RORY

Hi.

LORELAI

We've met before, but a long time ago. Hi.

FLOYD

We remember you well.

CAROL

You didn't dress up for our benefit, I hope.

LORELAI

No, no. This is nothing weird.

RICHARD

How 'bout some beverages, everybody? Extra dry martini still your drink, Floyd?

FLOYD

Absolutely.

LORELAI

Same here, Dad.

RICHARD

And bourbon with a splash of branch water, right, Carol?

CAROL

Thank you, Richard. [looks around the patio] Oh, here, Emily. You've redone the patio. It's gorgeous!

EMILY

Don't you think?

CAROL

Oh, and those trees -- I love them. What are they?

EMILY

They're African. Come see.

FLOYD

I'm trying to remember when we saw you last.

LORELAI

Ah, probably at camp.

FLOYD

Right, the day we came to pick up Jason. There was a talent show. You sang a duet with a pimply fellow.

LORELAI

"Crater Face" Cutler.

JASON

He's a litigator now. Very bitter man.

FLOYD

Well, the pimply fellow stank, but you were wonderful -- very charming.

LORELAI

It was from "Grease."

JASON

How Crater Face got his pimples?

LORELAI

No, my song -- "Summer Lovin'." I had to sit on his lap. It was very uncomfortable.

JASON

Crater Face had very bony knees.

FLOYD

[to Jason] And you did a dance with somebody, if I remember correctly.

LORELAI

Oh, yes, he cha-cha'd.

JASON

Well, thank you for bringing that up.

RORY

[to Lorelai] And thank you for never sending me to camp.

LORELAI

You were great. I liked when you and your partner knocked heads.

JASON

"Clubfoot" Cindy -- she married "Crater Face" Cutler. Beautiful children.

LORELAI

Huh.

RICHARD

Here are your drinks everybody. [approaches with drinks on tray, humming ] Uh, Rory, we left your soda inside.

RORY

Oh, I'll go get it.

FLOYD

I actually had a barbershop quartet at Yale. I was by far the weakest link. That reminds me. I have a story I've been dying to tell you ever since I heard it, Richard, about Herb Benson.

RICHARD

Oh, what's the rogue up to now?

FLOYD

Later. I don't want to bore the others.

RICHARD

I can't wait. Help me take the drinks down to the ladies?

FLOYD

Absolutely. Excuse us.

RICHARD

[in the distance] Alright, ladies?

JASON

[ Sighs ] Wow, look at that.

LORELAI

Groucho, Chico, Harpo, and Zeppo together again.

RORY

[enters] Excuse me, Grandma.

EMILY

Yes, sweetie?

RORY

Elsa said to say that dinner's in fifteen minutes.

EMILY

Did she ask you to do some vacuuming, too?

RORY

Um...no.

EMILY

She sends my granddaughter out to do her job.

FLOYD

How many maids has Emily been through, Richard? We used to keep a running count.

RICHARD

No, I'm afraid western mathematical principles cannot accommodate such a task.

JASON

My father is in a particularly good mood tonight.

LORELAI

Very.

JASON

He's only said two passive-aggressive things to me since he got here, which is astounding for him. By the way, may I be the fourteenth person this evening to say how great you look?

LORELAI

It's the shower. I gotta try that more often.

CAROL

Oh, this is our grandson's first step. We were so lucky to have the camera ready.

EMILY

Oh, that's darling.

RICHARD

Oh, ho, ho. He's gonna be big.

FLOYD

He's gonna start on the defensive line for the Bulldogs in 2021.

CAROL

[giggling] Floyd has it all worked out.

LORELAI

I believe that's you very lovingly holding your nephew, who looks very happy in your arms.

JASON

I just told him I'd opened a no-load mutual fund for him. Tracks the S&P.

LORELAI

You sentimental fool.

EMILY

You know, I have some terrific pictures of Rory. I should go get them.

RORY

But, Grandma, I'm right here.

EMILY

I know, but you're so big now.

LORELAI

Slouch down in your chair for Grandma, honey.

RORY

You know, if it's okay, I actually thought I might leave soon.

LORELAI

She's got a big paper due next week and lots of reading.

EMILY

Oh, yes, Rory. We've made you stay too long already.

RICHARD

Oh, yes, go, go.

CAROL

Thank you for looking like you weren't too bored all evening.

RORY

Oh, no, I wasn't, really. It was fun. Bye, Grandma. [kisses Emily's cheek]

EMILY

[to Lorelai] You have to go, too?

LORELAI

Oh, no, we came separately.

EMILY

Good.

RORY

Bye, Grandpa. [gives Richard a kiss]

RICHARD

Goodbye, Rory.

FLOYD

Lovely girl.

EMILY

Oh, she's a doll.

RICHARD

Well, I think this is the perfect time for those who are so inclined to enjoy a cigar. [rises from table]

LORELAI

All right, let's fire 'em up!

RICHARD

I meant the men, but would you like a cigar?

LORELAI

No, you guys go. Circle the fire. Pound your chests. We'll be waiting.

RICHARD

Floyd, Jason. [exits]

JASON

Let's do it.

EMILY

Well, let's let Elsa clean up and maybe keep her job. The living room all right?

LORELAI

We can bring the coffee?

EMILY

I was going to pour brandy.

LORELAI

Even better.

CAROL

Ooh, let's go. Oh, this evening has been so wonderful, Emily -- the two of us together again.

EMILY

Yes, it has.

CAROL

All those horrible things that happed with the business -- now, let's not let business come between us again.

EMILY

All that ugliness is in the past now, so we don't have to worry.

CAROL

Yes.

FLOYD

Smooth. '63?

RICHARD

'65. You can't get a '63 to save your life.

JASON

Still does the trick, though.

RICHARD

Oh, good port was as caught up in that ridiculous cigar boom a few years ago, remember?

FLOYD

Yes, yes.

RICHARD

Amateurs -- babes in diapers talking big in those cigar clubs, smoking Churchills down to the ring. Tobacco farmers harvested their crop green just to keep up with the demand.

FLOYD

If I remember correctly, you found a way to rectify the problem.

RICHARD

I couldn't get Hennessy's to put my favorite cigars aside for me -- this after twenty years of giving them my business.

FLOYD

Big mistake.

JASON

Love these kind of stories.

RICHARD

So I bypassed the bastards. I found their supplier. I swooped in and bought all of my favorites in bulk -- hundreds of boxes, cash on the barrel, so now Hennessy's couldn't get them.

JASON

Hundreds of boxes?

RICHARD

Oh, I couldn't have smoked them in three lifetimes, so I kindly offered to sell Hennessy's my excess supply. They leapt at it like dogs for a bone. And I made enough to pay for the boxes that I kept.

JASON

You're creative, Richard. It's one of your many strengths.

FLOYD

I'd say it's his main strength.

RICHARD

Who ever said an insurance man can't be creative?

FLOYD

It's one of the fallacies about what we do. People think it's dry, wooden, a bunch of automatons shuffling papers. On the contrary -- it breeds daily. It's life and death, what we do. [Richard nods.] It's a new drama every day -- almost Shakespearean.

RICHARD

"Richard III," "Macbeth."

FLOYD

What day doesn't necessitate courage, tenacity, and sometimes, like your cigar story, Richard, a little vengeance?

RICHARD

And that's all before lunch.

FLOYD

Our work is wonderful. I've always felt that way -- protective of what I do, protective of what I have.

JASON

I think my cigar is out.

FLOYD

That's why I'm suing you.

JASON

Dad.

RICHARD

You're joking.

FLOYD

I'm not joking. I'm suing your company. My lawyers will be contacting you Monday morning.

RICHARD

Floyd, you're not serious.

FLOYD

Richard, you didn't think I'd let Digger walk away with some of my oldest clients and not respond, did you? Are you that naive?

JASON

Dad, this is crazy.

FLOYD

You signed a noncompete clause with me, Digger.

JASON

And I didn't break that clause.

RICHARD

He didn't, Floyd. I studied Jason's contract, and only certain clients were off limits, and those remained off limits.

FLOYD

Alexander Barnes was off limits.

JASON

That was a social lunch, and you can't prove otherwise. You have no case.

FLOYD

Maybe, maybe not. But by the time the courts figure out the situation, I'll have buried you in legal fees. I know your financial situation, Richard. You can't survive a lengthy legal process.

RICHARD

So, this is just revenge, Floyd? Are we stooping that low?

FLOYD

You just described how strongly you felt about a bunch of cigars. How did you think I was going to feel about my business?

JASON

How did you know I had lunch with Alex, Dad? You have a private investigator tailing me?

FLOYD

This whole business is so distasteful, but what was I to do? I did what I had to do -- what Richard Gilmore would do. I think I should go now.

JASON

Don't -- Dad, don't leave. Call this off!

FLOYD

Sorry I didn't get to that anecdote, Richard. Maybe some other time. [exits]

JASON

Dad! [follows]

EMILY

Rory did come out and she was a beautiful debutante -- the hit of the night.

LORELAI

She did so well, we had her go back in and come out again.

RICHARD

Floyd, wait.

JASON

Dad, I will block the door if I have to.

FLOYD

I wouldn't suggest you do that, son.

EMILY

What is going on?

CAROL

I should get my purse. [She sets her drink down and rises.]

EMILY

Carol, no.

FLOYD

Excuse us, Emily. This is rude, but we have to go.

JASON

Mom, stay.

CAROL

It's too late, Jason.

EMILY

What's going on? Richard?

FLOYD

I apologize, for how this ended.

RICHARD

We are not unprepared for a fight. We are capitalized.

FLOYD

Only because you put your pension up as collateral on all your loans, Richard.

RICHARD

How did you -

FLOYD

It's a small community, our community. Endangering your pension, Richard -- it's reckless.

JASON

Which PI did you have on me? Paluso, I assume?

FLOYD

He's the best. He gets everything. It's how I found out your daughter is dating my son.

EMILY

That's not true.

FLOYD

Sorry we spoiled your secret, son. We'll see ourselves out. Come on, Carol.

JASON

Dad, wait! Richard, Emily, this isn't gonna happen, period. It will resolve quickly and in our favor. Excuse me. Dad! [dashes off] Okay, now, forgetting the insufferable way that you presented this subject --[becoming more faint]

RICHARD

We need to talk. [He exits with Jason following.]

EMILY

You brought your own car, didn't you?

LORELAI

Yes.

EMILY

You don't need to stay. You can go.

LORELAI

I'm blocked in.

EMILY

Oh.

JASON

Richard, you have every right to be angry.

RICHARD

Oh, you're damn right I do. To be humiliated like this in my own house?!

JASON

It was unconscionable.

RICHARD

Why didn't you see this coming?

JASON

You know him, Richard. He doesn't show his hand. He sweet-talked us on the golf course, got himself invited to dinner. The man is a sociopath!

RICHARD

Tell me if you've done anything -- anything illegal.

JASON

Nothing, Richard, I swear to you -- nothing.

RICHARD

The lunch with Alex?

JASON

Social -- we're friends.

RICHARD

Why should I believe you?

JASON

Because I'm not stupid enough to do anything illegal or think that I could get anything illegal by you. I do push boundaries, Richard, but I never cross them -- ever.

RICHARD

How long have you been seeing my daughter?

JASON

Five months.

RICHARD

For five months you've been lying to me.

JASON

Yes, but it was a white lie. [Richard gasps] It was a timing issue. It would have complicated our relationship, yours and mine, and we didn't know if it would last, so we took a path. It was the wrong path, and I am sorry about that, too.

RICHARD

You've got a lot to be sorry about.

JASON

I do. My damned father. I should have seen this coming. As well as I know him, I keep underestimating him.

RICHARD

[ Sighs ] We both should have seen this coming.

JASON

I can make this go away.

RICHARD

How?

JASON

It's a bluff. You know my father. He hates giving money to lawyers, and this action is gonna cost him big.

RICHARD

That is true.

JASON

So we will counter sue. It's a wrongful lawsuit. We will make him pay.

RICHARD

Possibly.

JASON

And I will do anything to win back your trust, Richard. You have been so good to me. Please...let me try.

RICHARD

Okay. You've got my trust. Go get him.

JASON

Thank you, Richard. Thank you. And also, I'm gonna work on my golf game -- get it up to snuff so I stop embarrassing you around the greens.

RICHARD

[ Chuckling ] Yeah, do that.

JASON

Thank you, Richard.

LORELAI

[sighs as she move forward an inch] God. [sighs as she moves back an inch]

JASON

[approaches and talks through car window] I have a gigantic bottle of vodka at my place -- the largest bottle of vodka known to man.

LORELAI

But what will you drink?

JASON

Gin.

LORELAI

Let's go.

KIRK

Eggs. Gotta get the eggs. [He almost runs into a couple.]

GIRL

Whoa.

GUY

Whoa, buddy.

KIRK

Eggs. [He turns and frightens an old woman on the sidewalk.] Aaah!

WOMAN

Aaah! [She runs away.]

KIRK

Aaah! [He stumbles further and collapses to ground. He looks up and sees Luke standing before him.] Flower show's tomorrow. Flower show's tomorrow, and I can't find the last twelve eggs. [crying] I let Taylor down. He's like a father to me. I think he is my father.

LUKE

He's not your father.

KIRK

No, my father's my father, which means Taylor's my tailor. I wonder how much he charges to hem pants.

LUKE

He's not your tailor.

KIRK

I let him down! I let Taylor down. I let the whole town down. He won't like me anymore.

KIRK

What's this?

LUKE

It's the last twelve eggs.

KIRK

The last --

LUKE

you picked some screwy places to hide them. Don't do that again.

KIRK

The last twelve?

LUKE

Tell Taylor you found them. Be the hero. [walks away]

KIRK

[climbs to feet] Thank you. Thank you! [shouting] I love you, Luke Danes! I love you!

LUKE

[muttering to himself] I'm stupid.

KIRK

[yelling loudly] I love you! I love Luke Danes! Love, love!

DEAN

Hey. Come on.

RORY

What? Where?

DEAN

I want to talk to you. Come on. [Rory follows Dean into an alley.] I've been trying to call your cell.

RORY

I didn't have it on.

DEAN

I'm sorry, okay? I'm really sorry.

RORY

About what?

DEAN

I was a jerk at your dorm. I yelled.

RORY

You didn't yell.

DEAN

I got upset, and I shouldn't have.

RORY

No, Dean, I'm the jerk. Hounding you about school like that -- it all came out wrong. It's your life. It's your decision.

DEAN

No, I shouldn't have sniped like that.

RORY

I deserved it.

DEAN

You were concerned.

RORY

I want the best for you, and I think school is it. I still think that, but it's not up to me. I just don't want you to settle.

DEAN

Yeah, I know you don't. Sometimes it seems like you're the only one who doesn't. [ Sighs ]

RORY

I think Lindsay may have overheard me saying stuff at Doose's.

DEAN

Yeah.

RORY

I feel even worse about that. I've got such a big mouth.

DEAN

No, it's okay.

RORY

She must have been really upset.

DEAN

Kind of.

RORY

I didn't mean to hurt her feelings.

DEAN

She'll be okay.

RORY

She knows we talk, right -- that we're friends?

DEAN

She does now. She doesn't want me talking to you anymore.

RORY

Oh. Well, I guess that's understandable.

DEAN

I don't want that to happen.

RORY

I don't want that to happen either.

DEAN

Then it's not gonna happen.

RORY

Should you get home?

DEAN

Yeah.

RORY

Me too.

EMILY

Is it true? Did you put your pension up as collateral? Are we in trouble?

RICHARD

It's going to work out, Emily. It'll be okay.

EMILY

You and Jason talked?

RICHARD

It's going to be okay.

JASON

Uh, three words. Four words. Two words. Okay, you suck at charades.

LORELAI

We're playing charades?

JASON

Yeah, weren't we?

LORELAI

You're drunk.

JASON

You're drunk.

LORELAI

Don't drunk and drive.

JASON

I would not thunk it.

LORELAI

That's a fun game to play.

JASON

What?

LORELAI

The "changing words into funny words" game.

JASON

[ Sighs ] Oh, I'm sleepy.

LORELAI

Hey, you know, your father was terrific until the end.

JASON

Yeah, the end was kind of bad.

LORELAI

It's like falling 600 feet to your death. You know, it's fun the first 599 feet, but it's just the last foot -- total sucko.

JASON

Yeah, it's a bummer -- that last foot. But, you know, there is a bright side to this evening.

LORELAI

The moon?

JASON

No, but the moon was very bright. At least our relationship is out in the open -- no more hiding.

LORELAI

Yeah, no more hiding. I'll drink to that.

JASON

And I got Richard calm, and I'll work my magic, which is what I do.

LORELAI

Dad's head looked like it was gonna go full-out piñata.

JASON

It'll be okay. He and I are going golfing in a couple days. That always puts him a good mood.

LORELAI

Yeah. Your plant is dead. How did it die so quickly?

JASON

It may have been self-inflicted.

LORELAI

Poor thing. Are you okay, though? Am I being enough supportive? Reversed those last two words.

JASON

No, I'm fine. In a weird way, my father trying to destroy me is the first time I've ever gotten any real respect out of him.

LORELAI

Hmm. Cool. Clink. [glasses clink]

FLOYD

Nice shot! Beautiful!

RICHARD

Your charity is limitless

FLOYD

You're just warming up. You've always been a closer.

RICHARD

Too true. So, we're done with the broad strokes?

FLOYD

I believe so. I'll drop the lawsuit. We'll split the clients evenly. You'll come back to the firm -- have your own company under our umbrella.

RICHARD

And Jason is out.

FLOYD

Jason's out. You'll be returning a hero, Richard.

RICHARD

Hmm. Music to my ears.

FLOYD

Beautiful day today.

RICHARD

Beautiful.