T4E20: “Luke Can See Her Face”

RORY

Hello?

LORELAI

They know.

RORY

Who knows?

LORELAI

The cats -- they know that I've broken up with Jason and that I'm alone and they've decided it's time for me to become a crazy cat lady.

RORY

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

There's a cat on my doorstep.

RORY

Well, that's better than a bun in your oven.

LORELAI

It's just sitting there, staring at me, like he knew this moment was coming. It's still there. Why is it still there?

RORY

Mom, it's a stray. It's passing through. It's hanging out. Relax. Move away from the window and go back to bed.

LORELAI

It's not fair. We just broke up. It just happened. I'm still young. It's still possible that I'm gonna have a successful relationship. You don't know. My eggs are still viable.

RORY

Are you yelling at me or the cat?

LORELAI

The cat. I think he flipped me off with his tail. I'm Babette.

RORY

Babette's not single.

LORELAI

Whose side are you on? Circle the wagons.

RORY

Sorry.

LORELAI

Everyone knows. They can see it in my face. "She's single again. She couldn't make it work again. She picked the wrong guy again." [to cat] Hey, do not lick yourself in front of me.

RORY

Mom, I need you to get a grip. You're tired, you're stressed out, and you're not seeing things clearly.

LORELAI

Oh, my God!

RORY

What?

LORELAI

There are two of them. They're not even easing me into this, those bastards. I give up. I guess I need to start collecting newspapers and magazines, find a blue bathrobe, lose my front teeth.

RORY

Well, obviously, you've got a busy day ahead of you, so I'm gonna let you go.

LORELAI

Yarn balls. I need to find some yarn balls.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

[to cats] Hey, I am a young, desirable woman.

LORELAI

Michel, curtains. Tom, banister and mud-sink valve. [Tries to go back to sleep but dials the phone again.] Um...Sylvie, horse feed. Jackson, garden stone. Sookie, too much salt in gazpacho. [Sighs] Oh, boy.

LUKE

What are you doing?

LORELAI

I need coffee.

LUKE

It's 5:00 in the morning. Make coffee at your own house.

LORELAI

I did. I drank it all.

LUKE

You drank all the coffee in your house before five in the morning?

LORELAI

Big gulps, lots of sugar.

LUKE

Alright, get up. [Pulls her up and takes her inside.]

LORELAI

And just a little bit of cream 'cause it makes it cold.

LUKE

Keep moving.

LORELAI

[ Sighs ] I can't sleep. I can't turn my mind off. It keeps running and thinking and making lists.

LUKE

Maybe if you drank a little less coffee, you'd make a little less lists.

LORELAI

Oh, I can't stop drinking the coffee. I stop drinking coffee, I stop doing the standing and walking and the words putting-into-sentence doing.

LUKE

I'll make you some coffee.

LORELAI

[ Sighs deeply ] If I could move, I would hug you. In fact, in my mind, I am hugging you, and also, I'm telling the plumbers that there's no water pressure in rooms 10, 12, and 15.

LUKE

I'm making you some oatmeal.

LORELAI

I don't like oatmeal.

LUKE

You've got to eat something healthy.

LORELAI

Oh, man, I'm so completely stressed. I can't remember what I'm doing from one moment to the next. It's never gonna get done.

LUKE

It will get done.

LORELAI

No, it won't get done, and the inn won't open, and then I'll go broke. How do you do it?

LUKE

Do what? Go broke?

LORELAI

No -- run this place, handle all the stress?

LUKE

The place isn't stressful.

LORELAI

It's not?

LUKE

Well, actually, at this moment, it is a little.

LORELAI

Ohhh. Maybe I can't handle it. Do you think I can handle it?

LUKE

I already told you you could handle it.

LORELAI

When?

LUKE

Quite a while ago.

LORELAI

Did I believe you?

LUKE

Apparently, you didn't even listen to me.

LORELAI

Oh, hey. I want you to take a tour of the inn.

LUKE

Why don't I just wait till the place is repossessed? Then I can see it at public auction.

LORELAI

How can you be so mean to me when I only managed to line one of my eyes?

LUKE

I apologize.

LORELAI

Seriously, I want to give you an official investors tour. You should see the place. It's looking really good.

LUKE

I heard the water pressure sucks in rooms 10, 12, and 15.

LORELAI

What do you say?

LUKE

You eat the oatmeal, I'll take the tour.

LORELAI

Fine, I'll eat it. But I'm making a face the entire time.

LUKE

Looking forward to it.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, Kirk. [Kirk stands beside Lorelai's table.] Something wrong?

KIRK

I wanted to sit there.

LORELAI

Seriously?

KIRK

Of course seriously. Why do you think I'm here this early? I wanted to get that table.

LORELAI

Every single other table in here is empty.

KIRK

Except the one I want.

LORELAI

[Sighs] Fine. [Gets up to move.]

KIRK

You have to understand that on days when Lulu is working, I have very little in my life.

LORELAI

I know, Kirk.

KIRK

This table is a small thing, but it makes me happy. It gives me a sense of power over my life, a little control in a world where very little is controllable.

LORELAI

Kirk.

KIRK

What?

LORELAI

I moved. Your table's free.

KIRK

Oh. Well...thanks.

LORELAI

You're welcome.

KIRK

Boy, the light over here is excellent.

MICHEL

Is this your voice?

LORELAI

[on answering machine] Michel, curtains. Tom, banister and mud-sink valve.

LORELAI

[present] Yes, that's my voice. I left myself a couple of messages last night.

MICHEL

You left yourself 25 messages last night, and the funny thing is, you didn't listen to any of the messages. I listened to the messages.

LORELAI

Just hand them to me, please.

MICHEL

Every day that you breathe, you make my life harder.

LORELAI

Got a solution for you, Michel.

MICHEL

And when is the desk coming? I don't find the whole conducting-business-on-the-floor thing amusing anymore! I want a desk and a chair and a bell. Where the hell is my bell?!

LUKE

Hey.

LORELAI

Hi. You came by.

LUKE

You told me I had to.

LORELAI

I'm so glad you're here.

LUKE

Wow. The staircase is beautiful. Hey, Tom.

TOM

Luke.

LUKE

Yeah, nice work here. But you used glue. I thought with a banister --

TOM

Oh, are you gonna kibitz?

LUKE

What?

TOM

Guys who know a little about construction -- they build a birdbath, install a towel bar -- makes them think they know something, so they come in, they kibitz, offer a lot of free advice on things they don't know anything about. I got a low tolerance for that right now.

LUKE

I'm not gonna kibitz.

TOM

Okay. And stop touching my banister.

LORELAI

He won't let me touch the banister either. Hey, you want to see the kitchen? The stove is a thing of beauty. We're thinking of just ordering out for everything so we never have to use it.

LUKE

Great idea. And I wasn't gonna kibitz.

SOOKIE

Exciting, isn't it? [ Laughs ] Ohh. Lorelai, great. I've been looking for you. Hi, Luke.

LUKE

Hey, Sookie. Nice kitchen. Did you use the original tiles?

SOOKIE

I don't know. Ask Tom.

LUKE

Never mind.

LORELAI

What's up?

SOOKIE

Lorelai, I would like to introduce you to Shel Sausman. Shel, this is Lorelai Gilmore.

SHEL

It is really nice to meet you.

LORELAI

Well, it's nice to meet you, too.

SOOKIE

Shel is going to be our poultry supplier.

LORELAI

Oh, that's great.

SOOKIE

He sells only free-range, hormone-free, and he's recently divorced.

LORELAI

Oh, well, I assume that one doesn't have anything to do with the other.

SHEL

[ Chuckles ] You're funny. She's funny. You know, they say pretty women usually aren't funny because they never had to be. Were you a fat child?

SOOKIE

Um...I'm gonna go out and check with Michel on something, and you guys just talk till I get back.

LORELAI

Hey, uh, what do you need to talk to Michel about?

SOOKIE

Tablecloth supplies.

LORELAI

I can do that.

SOOKIE

Michel likes me better. Talk! Just talk!

SHEL

Listen, Lorelai --

LORELAI

Shel, have you met Luke? Hey, Luke...Get up! Uh, Shel, this is Luke.

SHEL

Nice to meet you.

LUKE

Yeah, you too.

LORELAI

Luke is my...special friend.

SHEL

Oh?

LORELAI

I have to tell you, renovating this place has been a real nightmare. I just don't know how I would have gotten through it without him. [Lorelai leans against Luke and forces him to put his arm around her waist.] Have I said thank you to you recently?

LUKE

Uh...no.

LORELAI

Oh. Well, thank you.

LUKE

You're welcome.

SHEL

Well, it was nice meeting you both. I'm just gonna go say goodbye to Sookie.

LORELAI

Oh. Bye, Shel.

LUKE

Bye, Shel.

LORELAI

[shoves Luke's arm away.] Don't touch my stomach.

LUKE

You put my hand there.

LORELAI

She's trying to set me up with Shel, the poultry guy? Why would she do that? I just broke up with someone.

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

We'd been dating for a few months now.

LUKE

I figured there was someone in the picture.

LORELAI

You did? How?

LUKE

Just clues. You know, you never dressed weather-appropriate, that kind of thing.

LORELAI

Well I can bundle on up now.

LUKE

I'm sorry.

LORELAI

Cats came to my house today.

LUKE

Really.

LORELAI

Because they know I'm a loser and I'm destined to be alone.

LUKE

You're not destined to be alone. You have Shel.

LORELAI

Why is it so hard?

LUKE

What, relationships? Look who you're asking.

LORELAI

At least you got married.

LUKE

At least you had a kid.

LORELAI

It makes me sad sometimes. Does it make you sad?

LUKE

I don't know. Maybe.

LORELAI

Mm-hm. I see Dr. Phil books in our future.

LUKE

Unless they stock them at Home Depot, they're not likely to cross my path.

LORELAI

All this sad talk is putting a serious damper on my stressing.

LUKE

The place is great.

LORELAI

Do you think I can do this?

LUKE

I already told you you can do this, and I already told you that I already told you you can do this.

LORELAI

You're making me long for Shel.

LUKE

You'd never want for chicken.

LORELAI

Hmm.

STUDENT

Isn't political writing just another form of propaganda?

ASHER

Absolutely not. Political writing confronts your assumptions.

STUDENT

Propaganda can do that.

ASHER

No, it cannot. Propaganda merely reinforces what that person wishes to be told.

STUDENT

That means the definition is determined by the audience.

ASHER

That's one way of looking at it, yes.

STUDENT

You can't do that. You can't define literature in terms of the audience.

ASHER

Far be it from me to expect reason and common sense to triumph above youthful omniscience, so for today, we shall stop until next week.

PARIS

Rory, hi.

RORY

Stop it.

PARIS

You know, I thought I would do some laundry tonight, and I don't quite have a full load of whites, so if you have some whites, toss them in.

RORY

I don't want to be your beard anymore, Paris. Why don't you just go talk to Asher?

PARIS

I don't take his class. People will get suspicious. [looks at Asher, who is still busy with students] Jeez. What, is he taking confession or something? [Rory turns to leave the room.] You can't go.

RORY

Paris, come on. You know, I'm not gonna be in this class forever, which means next year you're gonna have to find some other idiot to stand here until the coast is clear.

PARIS

That's alright. It's all going to be coming out eventually. Asher asked me to go to Oxford with him this summer.

RORY

Oxford? Really? Oxford? That's -- wow. Oxford.

PARIS

Yep.

RORY

So, this is really getting serious.

PARIS

Well there's now travel involved and as soon as news of the trip gets around, then I guess the secret is out.

RORY

I guess so.

PARIS

[sees Asher leaving] Oh, crap. Pretend you have to see him in his office.

RORY

No!

PARIS

You were confused on the last point he made.

RORY

No.

PARIS

You were gonna ask him after class, but Toby from "American Splendor" wouldn't stop yapping and you couldn't.

RORY

I feel my mouth moving, something's coming out and yet --

PARIS

Walk faster. We'll miss him.

ANDREW

Did you find what you need?

LUKE

Oh, yeah. Fine. [Andrew reaches for the books] What are you doing?

ANDREW

I have to ring them up.

LUKE

I'll just tell you the prices. This one is $24.99.

ANDREW

That high?

LUKE

They're your prices.

ANDREW

Can I just see the book?

LUKE

I'm reading you the book. It says right here. [looks at the price again] Oh, wait -- that's the Canadian price. $14.99.

ANDREW

Will you just let me scan the book?

LUKE

When you scan the book, do you see the title?

ANDREW

Yes.

LUKE

Then no.

ANDREW

Luke, come on. What do you got there, porn?

LUKE

You sell porn?

ANDREW

No!

LUKE

You think I brought my own porn in here to buy?

ANDREW

I don't know what you're doing. I just need to scan the books.

LUKE

[hands Andrew some money] This should cover it.

ANDREW

A hundred bucks? That's way too much.

LUKE

Take it. [leaves but comes back to the counter] Bag.

MAN ON CASSETTE

Love!

LUKE

Jeez!

MAN ON CASSETTE

You want it? You can have it. And not compromised, stifling, soul-killing love, but open, honest, life-affirming love. But how do you get it? How do you get this love?

LUKE

If I knew that, what the hell would I need you for?

MAN ON CASSETTE

It's going to take work. It's going to take introspection. You're gonna have to learn new things -- how to be your own best friend, how to treat your damaged psyche with a little kindness, how to say, "hey, pal, you're worth it. You mean something to someone, and you deserve love." That is the key. If you crave love, then you deserve love. Say that to yourself. If I crave love, I deserve love. [Luke sighs deeply.] Now, how did that feel coming out? I'll bet it was hard. I'll bet you felt ridiculous. Some of you may even have been incapable of saying it at all. Try again.

LUKE

I'm not incapable. I just haven't been hit in the head with the Oprah stick lately.

MAN ON CASSETTE

Trust me, my friend -- it will get easier, until one day, you turn around, and you are not alone. Ready to begin the journey? It's going to be one hell of a ride. Okay, let's go. Open up your workbook to page one.

LUKE

[opens his workbook] It doesn't get lower than this.

LORELAI

You know Dean, we appreciate you working late all this week.

DEAN

Hey, I appreciate the extra cash. [starts to hang a picture] Oh. Uh...the wire snapped. I can fix it.

SOOKIE

[ Gasps ] He's like a superhero.

LORELAI

He's like Super Mr. Fix-it man.

SOOKIE

We'll work on a name.

LORELAI

Your tool belt would glow.

DEAN

I can't wait. [leaves to fix the wire]

SOOKIE

Hey, what did you think of the onion soup I made today?

LORELAI

Oh, it was good.

SOOKIE

Good enough for the opening?

LORELAI

No, no, no -- we have to serve your critically acclaimed zucchini soup for the opening.

SOOKIE

I know, but Jackson has some concerns about the zucchini crop, so I want to have a backup.

LORELAI

No, Sookie. We've got to serve the zucchini soup. People are expecting it. The zucchini have got to be there.

SOOKIE

Well then, I'll just tell Jackson he has to have them.

LINDSAY

Dean, come on.

DEAN

Lindsay, I'm working.

LINDSAY

Are you? Well, how shocking.

DEAN

What do you want me to do?

LINDSAY

We're supposed to go out with Erika and David tonight.

DEAN

I can't!

LINDSAY

So why would you say you could?!

DEAN

Lindsay, I told you, if there was a chance for some extra hours --

LINDSAY

Oh, come on!

DEAN

-- that I was gonna take it.

LINDSAY

We never do anything, Dean.

DEAN

We need money! God! You know that, Lindsay!

LINDSAY

You are so incredibly selfish. You never think about me -- never.

DEAN

You want a town house? You want a new car? We need money to pay for these things.

LINDSAY

I sit at home all day waiting for you. You never call during the day, like you always promise you will.

DEAN

God, Lindsay!

LINDSAY

I'm bored, Dean. Don't you care about that? I want to go out with my husband. Hello! We're married here!

DEAN

Well, I'll be done in a couple of hours. If you want to--

LINDSAY

I'm going out with Erika and David.

DEAN

Fine. Go. When will you be home?

LINDSAY

When I get home.

DEAN

That's nice, Lindsay. That's real nice.

LINDSAY

Whatever, Dean.

MAN ON CASSETTE

Complete the following sentence -- I feel angry because...

LUKE

I am listening to this tape.

MAN ON CASSETTE

I feel hopeful because...

LUKE

This tape must end eventually.

MAN ON CASSETTE

I feel helpless because...

LUKE

I wonder if anyone's ever kicked an audiotape's ass. [Liz runs up to the truck and knocks on his window. T.J. is with her.] Jeez. Hold on. [Luke stops the tape and gets out of the truck.] What are you doing here?

LIZ

Look how happy he is to see me.

LUKE

I just didn't expect it, that's all.

LIZ

Oh, my brother. You remember T.J., right?

T.J.

I'm still here.

LUKE

How you doin', T.J.?

T.J.

How am I doing? Huh. Lizzie, I don't know. How am I doing?

LIZ

He's doing great! 'Cause we're getting married.

LUKE

Married? Really?

LIZ

And we're doing it right here next week.

LUKE

Wow, that's fast.

LIZ

I know but we wanted to do it before the circuit got going so all our friends could come. It gonna be so beautiful. Wait till you see.

T.J.

You ever been to a Renaissance wedding?

LUKE

No, I haven't.

T.J.

Oh, it's great -- horses, costumes, really big turkey legs. You're gonna love it.

LUKE

Okay, you gotta slow down here.

LIZ

No way. You slow down and you die.

LUKE

When did this happen?

LIZ

Last week. T.J. asked me, I said yes, we made a few phone calls, and here we are, grabbing life by the ping-pongs, as T.J. says.

T.J.

Hey, there's gonna be a bachelor party, too. My brother's coming down, got a couple of friends dropping in. It's going to be a blast. You have to go.

LUKE

Oh, sure, if you want me to.

T.J.

Want you to? Of course I want you to. What are you talking about? I want you to be my best man also.

LUKE

You're kidding.

T.J.

Of course I am. You'd be like 800th on the list. But you can come to the bachelor party if you want.

LIZ

Are you happy for me? Say you're happy for me.

LUKE

Sure, I'm happy for you. Of course I'll go to your bachelor party.

T.J.

Good. Keeping up appearances that we like each other -- very classy for the wedding.

LUKE

T.J., come on.

T.J.

Okay, I'm going to get some beer. [He walks away. Liz and Luke start walking towards the diner.]

LUKE

Where's he going? He doesn't know where to go.

LIZ

He's got a nose for these things. Oh, wait till you see this wedding. Oh, my God. It's unbelievable. I'm wearing a white dress...

LUKE

That is unbelievable.

LIZ

Oh, stop it. It's about a zillion years old with flowing sleeves. I'm like Vanessa Redgrave in "Camelot." Seriously, I love myself in this dress.

LUKE

Sounds like a good dress.

LIZ

I'm so excited. I'm getting married...again.

LUKE

So, how are you gonna do this so quickly?

LIZ

Well, we're gonna have the ceremony right out there in the square. We've got our Renaissance Fair buds all pitching in. We got the Scotch-egg guy to cater it and T.J.'s gonna write the vows. You won't have to do a thing.

LUKE

Oh, sure.

LIZ

I swear -- everything's taken care of. Carrie's gonna be my maid of honor.

LUKE

Terrific.

LIZ

She's a good friend.

LUKE

To one and all. So, does Jess know?

LIZ

He knows.

LUKE

Did he take it well?

LIZ

Took it like Jess.

LUKE

Meaning?

LIZ

He's not coming.

LUKE

Why not?

LIZ

He's young, he's busy.

LUKE

Busy doing what?

LIZ

I don't know. It's okay. I just thought -- but it's no biggie. I mean, hey, I got you there, right?

LUKE

Yeah, you do.

LIZ

Are you gonna dress up?

LUKE

Absolutely.

LIZ

As a minstrel?

LUKE

Sure. Who's the guy who jumps around in bells and a pointy hat?

LIZ

The court jester.

LUKE

Yes, the court jester. I will come as a court jester.

LIZ

You're a good brother. You got any of that terrible peach pie you make? I'm starving.

RORY

Hello.

LORELAI

Did you bring the Nutter Butters?

RORY

Well, I'm fine, Mother. I missed you, too.

LORELAI

Ah, we have achieved culinary perfection.

RORY

What's with the carrots?

LORELAI

I was afraid you weren't eating right at school.

RORY

Ah.

LORELAI

Marshmallow?

RORY

Thank you. Oh, man, I've missed Al's Chinese night.

LORELAI

Oh, he's got a new thing now -- chicken chow mein sandwich.

RORY

Oh, Al.

LORELAI

Oh, Al.

RORY

So what exactly was Grandma's excuse for canceling Friday night dinner?

LORELAI

That Dad was traveling and she had a function.

RORY

It was that generic?

LORELAI

She put no thought into it, and it was muffled, but at the end of the call, I do believe I heard a knock and someone yelling, "turndown service."

RORY

Living in a hotel.

LORELAI

And hiding it.

RORY

Poor Grandma. We should talk to them.

LORELAI

"We"?

RORY

Well, you. I'm a child.

LORELAI

Talking is not my parents' thing. It would humiliate them if they knew that we knew that they are...whatever they are.

RORY

So, we do nothing?

LORELAI

I guess we wait until one of them cracks.

RORY

Okay. Man, how many tapes are we watching tonight?

LORELAI

Well, every time I started watching something that I thought you would like, I stopped watching it and I saved it for when we could watch it together, so I watched the first 10 minutes of 12 movies.

RORY

So which one are we gonna watch?

LORELAI

Mmm...the absolute funniest movie known to man -- "Fatso."

RORY

I'm loving the title.

LORELAI

Anne Bancroft wrote and directed it.

RORY

Well, Annie Sullivan, look at you go. So how's everything at the inn coming along?

LORELAI

Everyone's freaking out because I got a million things to do, but we finally got the pictures up, and the beds were delivered today. Oh, I forgot -- a little bit of gossip.

RORY

Oh. What?

LORELAI

No, it's not fun gossip.

RORY

What? What?

LORELAI

Well, Sookie and I overheard Dean and Lindsay having a major fight. It was ugly.

RORY

Really? About what?

LORELAI

Well, she was mad because he was working late to make some extra cash, and she wanted to go out, and it got heated and vicious, and the whole thing ended with a "Whatever, Dean."

RORY

That sounds bad.

LORELAI

It wasn't good.

RORY

Maybe they'll make up.

LORELAI

I hope so.

RORY

Yeah, me too.

THE MOVIE

Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat!

RORY

This is the greatest thing I've ever seen.

LORELAI

Kiss for Mommy.

THE MOVIE

Fat! Fat! Fat! Fat!

LUKE

Hey, neighbor, the guys next door just ran out of crack to sell, so they sent me over to borrow a cup. Hey, nice place. You put those holes there yourself?

JESS

What are you doing here?

LUKE

Just wanted to see how you were doing.

JESS

Doing great.

LUKE

Great, you're doing great. Wow, you're doing great. I'm not doing great, and I have running water.

JESS

The place is fine.

LUKE

Fine. Not great? What happened to great?

JESS

All this and no housewarming gift.

LUKE

Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I just thought you were going absolutely nowhere with your life. Glad I'm wrong. Hey, which filthy mattress is yours?

JESS

Right there.

LUKE

Oh. Well, you got the good corner, with a view of the mold.

JESS

Yeah, I won the toss. Now, if you don't mind, I've got places to be.

LUKE

Let's get down to it. Liz told me you weren't coming to the wedding.

JESS

No way you're here about that.

LUKE

I am here about that.

JESS

Why?

LUKE

Why? Your mother's getting married, and you're not coming.

JESS

No biggie. I'll just catch the next one.

LUKE

Jess, this guy is different.

JESS

Come on.

LUKE

Well he could be different. He seems different.

JESS

Jeez, man.

LUKE

I've seen him with Liz. They seem to work. We need to support this thing to give it a chance.

JESS

No, we don't.

LUKE

You are gonna regret this.

JESS

I doubt it.

LUKE

No, you are. If you ever manage to grow up and get yourself together and drop this selfish self-destructive behavior that you are so fond of, if that ever happens, you are gonna look back on this moment and you are gonna feel like a big steaming mound of crap that you missed this. This could have been a turning point. You could have witnessed something good for your mother who, yes, has screwed up a bit in her life but now seems to have found something to make her happy, and you miss that, you refuse to be a part of that, you are gonna be very sorry. [Beeping] What, are you a drug dealer now?

JESS

I'm a messenger. I gotta go. Hey, Todd, it's 4:00.

LUKE

You owe me. I was there for you when no one else was, and I want you there...and you owe me.

JESS

I gotta go.

LUKE

So do I. I'm going first. [Storms out the door.]

JESS

Hey, Todd. [Follows Luke out.]

LUKE

No, Roy, I know what I'm talking about. I'm looking for stalks of wheat, not processed wheat, stalks. That's putting it another way. I need bare-ass stalks. [to customer] Sorry. [to Roy] I know you can't eat it like that. I just need it for decoration. No, I'm not going poofy on you, damn it! [to another customer] Sorry. [to Roy] I just need to know whether you have it or not. No? Okay, whatever. Thanks. [hangs up] Is there no wheat left in this country? What happened to Kansas? Isn't Kansas lousy with wheat?

LORELAI

I do recall Toto running through fields of it. Coffee to go, please.

LUKE

That I can get.

LORELAI

Why do you need wheat?

LUKE

Liz's wedding.

LORELAI

Liz is getting married?

LUKE

She and T.J.

LORELAI

Did I know this?

LUKE

I guess not.

LORELAI

In New York?

LUKE

Here in the square, a Renaissance thing.

LORELAI

Could I be a little more behind?

LUKE

I got sucked in, just like always. First day, their cellphone died, so I let them use the phone. Then I offered to make the call 'cause I happened to know the person they were calling, and I had to go pick something up because I couldn't find T.J. to do it. And kapow, I'm hunting down wheat stalks and looking for local pewter craftsmen. Do you have any idea where I can find myrtle?

LORELAI

Did you check the bingo parlor?

LUKE

The plant.

LORELAI

Hey, don't add stuff from your to-do list to my to-do list.

LUKE

Sorry. Here's your coffee.

LORELAI

Thank you. So, I can't believe I didn't know about this wedding. I'm caught up on everything now, right?

LUKE

I'd say so.

JESS

I'm not paying for a motel, so I'm staying with you.

LORELAI

Liar!

LUKE

I wasn't sure he was coming. I went to see him in New York.

LORELAI

You went to New York? I needed things picked up in New York.

LUKE

Hey, don't add stuff from your to-do list to my to-do list.

LORELAI

Sorry.

LUKE

It's okay.

LORELAI

I should go. Hey, do you know that if the entire population of China walked by, the line would never end because of the rate of population increase?

LUKE

No, I didn't.

LORELAI

That's my list -- every Chinese person in the world.

LUKE

Scary.

LORELAI

Scary.

GLENN

What do you think? Friday night good?

GIRL

I'm busy, Glenn.

GLENN

You're never busy on Friday nights. You always eat dinner early on Fridays and watch TV and go to bed around 10:30.

GIRL

You're spying on me?! [Gets up and walks away.]

GLENN

Close your blinds if you're gonna be so sensitive.

RORY

Hello? Paris, slow down. Where are you? Stop saying "the hospital." There are tons of hospitals. Which hospital?

JESS

Ah, you're here.

LUKE

I do show up occasionally.

JESS

The place looks the same. Is that your dinner?

LUKE

Couldn't book my usual table at Le Cirque.

JESS

Right. I wasn't sure what food I could eat. [looks in the refrigerator]

LUKE

Eat what you like. Start with the expired stuff.

JESS

Maybe I'll go out.

LUKE

I'm hearing a good buzz about a chow mein sandwich.

JESS

What's on the playlist these days? I'm guessing Jethro Tull or Jethro Tull.

LUKE

Just stay away from that.

JESS

What's with you?

LUKE

Never mind. Look, eat my food, use my shower. Just don't go poking around my stuff.

JESS

Mr. Sensitive. [goes to the door]

LUKE

Whatever. Enjoy your evening.

JESS

Don't wait up.

MAN ON CASSETTE

You're a road in need of some repair. If your score is between 30 and 40 points, then you're a road laden with potholes and you need a double striping. And if your score is 40 or above, it's jackhammer time because your road is impassable.

LUKE

[sarcastically] Yikes.

MAN ON CASSETTE

Chapter 7. Men, a question -- what is fantasy? The answer -- fantasy is the imaginative fulfillment of your heart's desire. And one of the most common fantasies for single men is the fantasy of your ultimate companion.

LUKE

Yada yada yada.

MAN ON CASSETTE

Story time. I had a friend -- let's call him Phillip -- who couldn't make up his mind amongst three different women that he liked. I developed a test for him...and for you.

LUKE

[sarcastically] Oh, goody.

MAN ON CASSETTE

Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderful happens in your life -- a promotion at work, a successful refinancing -- who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face?

LUKE

Whoa.

RORY

Excuse me, I'm sorry, but I'm not sure which floor to go to. I've been getting conflicting advice. A friend of mine is here, but she didn't say exactly where, so I'm just wondering -- [trails off as she hears Paris's voice through the elevator doors]

PARIS

Why do I have to say everything twice? Huh? Why? I don't want my time wasted that way. You don't want your time wasted that way. Lives are dependent on you very people not wasting your time. I came here because of your reputation. Don't make me destroy that reputation.

DOCTOR

Miss, you have to lower your voice.

PARIS

That is Professor Asher Fleming in there, of Yale University. He's an important man, and you're acting like you're about to sell his spleen to UCLA.

DOCTOR

The procedures are the procedures.

PARIS

Oh, really? I thought the procedures were a hat. Hit me with some more lame tautology, Socrates.

DOCTOR

That's enough. Now, calm down, take a seat, and let us continue our work.

PARIS

Oh, you men, always telling us to calm down. Me, Hillary, Martha -- the second we make a squeak, you're pushing us onto the fainting couch.

NURSE

Honey, please.

RORY

Paris.

PARIS

Asher asked for a moistened towel 20 minutes ago, and no one's brought him a moistened towel. This man is an award-winning novelist, a sought-after lecturer. He deserves a moistened towel! Give me a towel! I'll moisten the damn thing myself!

RORY

Paris, come on. Fill me in here.

PARIS

Stat! Stat! Do you not know what "stat" means? They say it on all the hospital shows.

RORY

Come on, Paris. What's happening?

PARIS

It's Asher.

RORY

I know, what's happening?

PARIS

We were out getting some gelato and he dropped his spoon, and when I picked it up, he started to lean on me like he was about to fall, and he was having these pains.

RORY

Oh my God.

PARIS

So we sat down, and he said he was fine, but I got worried because he looked so pale, so I rushed him here to this chop shop masquerading as a hospital, and I can't get anyone to help him.

RORY

This is a really good hospital. They know what they're doing.

PARIS

He wanted a towel.

RORY

They'll get him one.

PARIS

And they wouldn't let me see even him because I'm not a blood relative. He's got two grown kids. Where are they? I mean, you put food on their table, a roof over their heads, and this is how they repay you?

RORY

What's doctor saying? Is it serious?

PARIS

It wasn't a heart attack. It was angina or something. I think he's gonna be fine.

RORY

Good.

PARIS

But...

RORY

But what?

PARIS

The wobbly, the look on his face, the angina...he's old.

RORY

What?

PARIS

Asher. He has pains, he wobbles.

RORY

Yeah?

PARIS

I spotted him through the curtain when the doctor came out, and he was just lying on that bed all alone, and he had his eyes open and was just staring at the ceiling. He looked so close to death.

RORY

He's not that close.

PARIS

He's closer than me.

RORY

An anvil could hit you on the head tomorrow, and he could live another 40 years.

PARIS

I'm 19. I should be rollicking. Asher doesn't rollick.

RORY

Well he probably didn't rollick when he was younger either. He's British.

PARIS

You should have seen the way he was staring at the ceiling, like he was looking at God.

RORY

He wasn't looking at God.

PARIS

You've probably been laughing at me all these months.

RORY

Paris, no, I haven't.

PARIS

I'm in a hospital. I should be at a discotheque. Are kids still into the discotheque?

RORY

Paris, come on. Let's go get you something to drink. Let the hospital do their work.

PARIS

He orders old gelato.

RORY

Old gelato?

PARIS

Vanilla. It's a very old flavor.

LORELAI

Oh, I hate these pillows with a passion.

SOOKIE

They look good.

LORELAI

Good, not great?

SOOKIE

They look great.

LORELAI

Great, not fabulous?

SOOKIE

Fabulous.

LORELAI

Fabulous, not mondo-fabulous?

SOOKIE

Come on.

MICHEL

They look good to me.

LORELAI

Good, not great?

SOOKIE

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Twenty-eight to go.

MICHEL

Does it bother you that the word "laundry" is misspelled?

LORELAI

[Gasps] No! I proofed these pages a million times. That breaks my heart. L-a-u-n-d-r-y. That's right.

MICHEL

No, it's d-r-i-e.

LORELAI

No, laundry -- l-a-u-n-d-r-y.

SOOKIE

There's a "u?" There's no "u."

MICHEL

There's a "u" but no "y."

LORELAI

There's a "y" but no "i-e," and a "u."

SOOKIE

Or a "u."

LORELAI

No, no. There's a "u." There's no "i-e." It's a "y" -- this is giving me a headache.

MICHEL

Does "consommé" have two m's?

LORELAI

Hey, Abbott, just assemble the books.

MICHEL

It's getting late.

LORELAI

How late can you stay, Sookie?

SOOKIE

As late as you want -- Davey's with his grandparents, and Jackson's sleeping with the zucchini tonight.

LORELAI

What's that, farm jargon?

SOOKIE

No, he's sleeping with the zucchini.

LORELAI

But what does that mean, sleeping with the zucchini?

SOOKIE

It means he's sleeping with the zucchini.

LORELAI

Sookie, fill me in here. Where's Jackson?

SOOKIE

Well, he checked the forecast today, and there's a potential cold front coming in from Canada, and he knows how important the zucchini is for opening day menu, so...

LORELAI

Are you saying that "sleeping with the zucchini" means...

SOOKIE

He's sleeping with the zucchini.

MICHEL

She's said it four times. You're very slow tonight.

LORELAI

Oh my God.

SOOKIE

Well, you said to do whatever it takes to make sure we have fresh zucchini.

LORELAI

Within the realm of reason.

SOOKIE

Oh. Now you add that. [Lorelai sighs and stands up.] Where are you going?

LORELAI

To the zucchini patch. [Sookie follows Lorelai.]

MICHEL

All of us or...

LORELAI

Michel!

T.J.'S BROTHER

Boys, we have arrived.

T.J.

You said it, brother, my brother. [sees Luke with his hand on his stomach] Stomachache?

LUKE

I'm fine.

T.J.

Check out the fresh nooks.

LUKE

Nice and fresh.

T.J.

Not your scene?

LUKE

Not really.

T.J.

Mine neither. This is for the guys. These days, there's nothing I'd rather do in the world than spoon with your sister. [Luke exhales sharply.] Stomach again?

LUKE

That time, yeah.

T.J.

Let's grab seats before they're all taken.

DANCER

Lap dance?

LUKE

Oh, no, thanks. I'm just here for a bachelor party.

DANCER

That's kind of why I'm here, too.

LUKE

Well, thanks for the offer, but, no, thank you. But thank you. It was nice. Thanks. Thank you.

DANCER

Thank you.

T.J.

Luke, come on. You should get a lap dance.

LUKE

I'm fine.

T.J.

Are you gonna stand all night?

LUKE

If I stand, there's no lap to dance on. Everything will be easier.

T.J.

Wow. That's something there.

LUKE

What's is?

T.J.

What you just said about your lap. The fact is, there is no such thing as a lap.

T.J.'S BROTHER

Come on.

T.J.

Think about it -- it's there when you're sitting, but it's gone when you stand, so where does it go? It doesn't go anywhere, meaning...it never was. So a lap is just an illusion.

T.J.'S BROTHER

Whoa. The way his mind works.

LUKE

Oh, it's something else. [Jess comes over to the group.] Where have you been?

JESS

Bathroom. It's best to use it before the puking starts.

LUKE

You left me hanging with the Lords of Flatbush here.

JESS

Sorry. Aren't you gonna sit?

T.J.

He doesn't want to make a lap.

T.J.'S BROTHER

A lap is an illusion.

JESS

What?

LUKE

Don't get him started.

T.J.

Hey, I want to talk to you later.

JESS

I always enjoy a good palaver.

T.J.

Huh?

JESS

We'll talk. [pulls out a book]

PARIS

Thanks for the drink. I owe you.

RORY

You don't owe me anything.

NURSE

You can go in now.

PARIS

Thank you. Well, I think I'm going to go talk to him.

RORY

Okay.

PARIS

And have the talk -- a real talk.

RORY

Oh. Now?

PARIS

This can't go on. It's too weird. Tonight's been sort of an eye-opener.

RORY

Well, it's up to you.

PARIS

We're supposed to leave for England in two weeks. I shouldn't string him along.

RORY

Right. Now is good, and to do it is good...for a number of reasons.

PARIS

What reasons?

RORY

I just meant all the reasons that you already know.

PARIS

Wait for me -- take me home?

RORY

Yeah. I'll be right out here.

PARIS

Asher?

ASHER

Paris? Come, come. You needn't have stayed.

PARIS

Oh, no. I mean, I had the keys.

ASHER

Then it was very convenient that you did stay.

PARIS

Did you ever get your towel?

ASHER

Five of them. And I'm very grateful. Thank you, angel. [notices Paris looking uncomfortable] Yes?

PARIS

Are you feeling better?

ASHER

Oh, I'm feeling much better.

PARIS

Good, good. I'm glad. I mean, you read all these awful stories in the paper -- you know, a guy comes in with a stomachache, and they amputate his foot.

ASHER

Paris...come sit down. You know, a hospital seems a wonderful place to discuss something serious, doesn't it?

PARIS

I guess.

ASHER

I want you to know that I'm grateful for every moment that we've spent together this past year. You're wonderful company. [Sighs] I don't think I've said that enough.

PARIS

No. You have.

ASHER

You know, I've had other relationships like this. You may have heard talk.

PARIS

Oh, I rarely listen to anything anybody says.

ASHER

I didn't want you to think that I was hiding anything. I want to be honest with you.

PARIS

Thank you.

ASHER

There's something very unique about you, Paris -- quite out of the ordinary.

PARIS

A lot of people have said I'm not ordinary.

ASHER

You know, I'm going to be very busy at Oxford. I've been writing down all the places that I wanted to take you, things you should see, but I'm afraid there's not enough time.

PARIS

Oh.

ASHER

So, I was thinking of going alone. Oh, I'd like you to go, but I don't want you to be bored.

PARIS

You've been writing down places?

ASHER

I'd forgotten how many there were. So, if you want to reassess, I will completely understand.

PARIS

Do you...want to reassess?

ASHER

No. I don't want to go alone, and I don't want to go with anyone else. But, then, I'm selfish. I get to be. After all, I'm...old.

PARIS

You're not so old.

ANDREA

Hi. I'm looking for Asher Fleming.

NURSE

He's getting dressed. He should be out in a minute.

ANDREA

Thank you. [sits next to Rory]

RORY

He'll be all yours in a minute, girlfriend.

ASHER

Miss Gilmore.

RORY

Hello, Professor.

RORY

You ready?

PARIS

That's okay. I'm going to go with Asher. We're going to do some more planning for England.

RORY

England? But I thought --

ASHER

Andrea, what brought you here?

ANDREA

Mom called.

ASHER

Paris, Rory, this is my granddaughter, Andrea.

PARIS

Hi.

ANDREA

Hi.

RORY

Hey, there. Wow. It's really nice to meet you. I'm gonna be going home now because there's no rest for the wicked. So I'll see you at home.

PARIS

See you there.

RORY

I'll just see you in class there, Asher -- uh, Professor. It's really nice meeting you. Bye.

T.J.'S BROTHER

I love mud, I love wrestling, I love girls. This is everything I love.

T.J.

In one neat package. [looks over at Jess, who is reading] Here's our boy. You having a good time?

JESS

Oh, I'm having a gay old time.

T.J.

You know, you read so much, I'm thinking of nicknaming you "Reads."

JESS

Good one.

T.J.

Tough guy, huh?

JESS

What?

T.J.

Listen, your mom has this thought she hasn't shared with you because she's afraid you wouldn't be into it.

JESS

Oh yeah?

T.J.

She'd like you to walk her down the aisle. Usually it's the father that would do that, but he's worm food.

JESS

I knew that.

T.J.

So, what do you say?

JESS

I don't think so.

T.J.

She really wants you to.

JESS

I really don't want to.

T.J.

I'd like it, too.

JESS

Oh, you too?

T.J.

Yeah.

JESS

I don't think so.

T.J.

It's a really short aisle. It'll be over in a flash.

JESS

Get Luke to do it.

T.J.

She wants you to do it.

JESS

I guess we're at a stalemate.

T.J.

I don't think we're at a stalemate.

JESS

There's girls wallowing around in slimy dirt, and you're looking at me?

T.J.

I don't want to tell your mom no.

JESS

Then I'll tell her.

T.J.

I don't want you telling her either.

JESS

Want to pitch in for a telegram?

LUKE

Hey! Hey! Hey! Knock it off! Knock it off! Come on, knock it off!

BOUNCER

That's it. This whole group out.

T.J.

Best bachelor party ever!

MICHEL

Oh, my God. I hate nature.

LORELAI

Ow! Jackson!

JACKSON

What are you doing here?

LORELAI

What are you doing here?

JACKSON

I'm sleeping with the zucchini. Didn't you tell her that I was sleeping with the zucchini?

SOOKIE

She had a little trouble grasping that concept.

LORELAI

I do not want you to sleep with the zucchini.

JACKSON

You said it was important.

LORELAI

They are.

JACKSON

And to keep them safe, no matter what it takes. And there's a possibility of a cold front.

SOOKIE

I told her about the cold front.

LORELAI

That's why you have heaters.

JACKSON

But the heaters could fail, so I'm here to service them.

LORELAI

So technically, you're sleeping with the heaters?

JACKSON

I guess so.

LORELAI

But I don't want you to do that either.

MICHEL

It's cold.

MICHEL

Sit down here. It's warm down here. Jackson, I love you. I love that you're doing this, but I also feel like I should call the guys with butterfly nets to come get you...and me and all of us.

JACKSON

Well...

LORELAI

I'm so sorry, guys.

SOOKIE

For what?

LORELAI

For freaking out about dumb things like zucchini and not realizing that people would respond in very loving and nutty ways. This is not the way to do this. We're too stressed out. We're not having fun. This whole inn experience is flying by. Tonight it stops.

SOOKIE

Sounds good to me.

MICHEL

It is nice and warm here.

LORELAI

Here's what we do. We each have to drop something off our list -- something big -- and the others get to pick for the person, and the person cannot refuse a reasonable request to drop something.

SOOKIE

Like a game.

LORELAI

And we all win.

SOOKIE

You're dropping the pillows.

LORELAI

Okay, the pillows are history.

SOOKIE

Good.

LORELAI

Okay, you are dropping two desserts off the menu. A selection of six is all people need.

JACKSON

I'll second that.

SOOKIE

I can live with that.

LORELAI

And Michel, you're no longer asking for 10 references from every person we're hiring.

MICHEL

But they are all such imbeciles. How else will we know?

LORELAI

We're capping it at three.

MICHEL

Five.

LORELAI

Four.

MICHEL

I guess four's okay. It really is comfortable here.

LORELAI

I'm actually relieved about the pillows. [Jackson lays his head in Sookie's lap.]

SOOKIE

You'll do them later.

JACKSON

Are you guys seeing these stars? [They all look up, then lie back.]

LORELAI

Oh, wow, beautiful.

SOOKIE

I haven't looked at the stars in ages.

LORELAI

That's another rule. We all have to look at the stars more often.

SOOKIE

Done.

MICHEL

I'm very comfortable.

LORELAI

Me too.

LUKE

Hmm. Tonight I got into a fight at a strip club with my nephew. A fight. I haven't been in a fight since sixth grade. Vince Williams called me a doodyhead. I took it very personally. But you know what? Tonight was good. Tonight something happened to me. I achieved this great sense of calm. No more anger, no more frustration. Live and let live. You are who you are. I cannot change that, and I'm gonna stop trying. I wish I'd felt this earlier. Then I wouldn't have dragged you down here. I apologize for that. But, I mean, if you really hate your mother that much, then you shouldn't be here, you shouldn't walk her down the aisle, and you shouldn't go to her wedding.

JESS

I don't hate my mother.

LUKE

You don't? Well, then, I don't get it. Why weren't you coming -- because of me? You hate me that much?

JESS

I don't hate you. [Sighs] I came here because of you.

LUKE

Stop that.

JESS

You said it was important to you. Remember?

LUKE

I didn't think you were listening.

JESS

I was listening.

LUKE

So, you don't hate your mom, you don't hate me, so...why weren't you coming? [ Sighs ] No. Rory still? That's ancient history. You haven't seen her in a year.

JESS

I saw her when I was here a few months ago.

LUKE

I didn't know that. So, what happened?

JESS

Nothing. I told her, uh...

LUKE

What?

JESS

I told her I loved her.

LUKE

Wow! What did she say?

JESS

Nothing.

LUKE

What, you just said it and walked away?

JESS

No. I got in my car and left.

LUKE

You just dropped the bomb and ran?

JESS

I drove.

LUKE

You didn't want stick around to see what she said?

JESS

No. And obviously, she had nothing to say.

LUKE

How do you know?

JESS

She could have contacted me anytime in the last three months, but she didn't.

LUKE

What are you talking about? You change your phone number weekly.

JESS

[Scoffs] The ball was in her court.

LUKE

Oh, Jess, come on. You did this completely wrong. Open two-way communication is the foundation of love, and you cut that off. I had this friend -- let's call him Phillip -- who thought expressing intimacy was a favor to his partner, but expressions of intimacy should be given freely and frequently. He loved Judy, but he used his love as a bargaining tool.

JESS

Who the hell is Judy?

LUKE

Phillip's wife. We call her Judy.

JESS

I wasn't bargaining.

LUKE

You were bargaining. You had expectations out of line with what you deserved. You don't nurture.

JESS

Where are you getting this junk?

LUKE

Life. I've lived.

JESS

What, in a Bette Midler movie?

LUKE

I'm just trying to help you out.

JESS

Oh, please. You are the most dysfunctional person I know.

LUKE

Not anymore.

JESS

Your marriage to Nicole -- nothing but weird.

LUKE

I'm better now.

JESS

Yeah, right. Right. Oh, man. We're just a couple of losers.

LUKE

Well, things change, my friend.

JESS

Oh, yeah?

LUKE

Stay tuned. [starts to go upstairs] You really told her you loved her? Huh.

LORELAI

Sook, Sook.

SOOKIE

Where are we?

LORELAI

Michel, wake up.

SOOKIE

Hon, wake up.

JACKSON

What happened?

LORELAI

We slept with the zucchini.

MICHEL

We slept with the zucchini?

LORELAI

We slept with the zucchini.

SOOKIE

I slept good. I mean, really good.

MICHEL

Me too.

LORELAI

That's the best night's sleep I've had in weeks.

MICHEL

My back isn't hurting. It's perfect now.

SOOKIE

It's like a magic zucchini patch.

LORELAI

How are the zucchini?

JACKSON

They can't wait to be soup.

LORELAI

Luke, hi.

LUKE

Hey. Where are you coming from?

LORELAI

Oh, you know, the zucchini patch.

LUKE

Huh?

LORELAI

It's a long story. No, it's short. I slept in the zucchini patch.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

So, what are you doing here?

LUKE

Well, I wanted to talk to you.

LORELAI

Okay.

LUKE

I got that wedding coming up, Liz's wedding.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

I know you're busy with your to-do list and all, but I think you could use a little break.

LORELAI

Oh, I could use a little break.

LUKE

Take a break with me. Come to the wedding.

LORELAI

Really?

LUKE

It should be fun. There'll be turkey legs.

LORELAI

Oh, well, sure.

LUKE

Yes?

LORELAI

Yes.

LUKE

Good. Yes, good.

LORELAI

All right, then.

LUKE

I'll meet you at your house. We'll walk over together, okay?

LORELAI

Great.

LUKE

Okay. Good. I'll see you then.

LORELAI

Or before then.

LUKE

Either way is good.

LORELAI

Yeah, me too.

LUKE

Oh, and you don't have to wear a fruity outfit.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm gonna be a little fruity.

LUKE

That's good, too.

JESS

What is it with you?

LUKE

[picks up his tape player and workbooks and gives them to Jess] Here. I'm done with them. Enjoy.