T4E21: “Last Week Fights, This Week Tights”

MISS PATTY

No, no, boys. You go clockwise! Clockwise! Can't you tell time?

CHRISSY

The other way, boys! They're not getting it, Miss Patty.

MISS PATTY

Well, the wedding's tomorrow. We gotta get it.

CHRISSY

It's the Banyan boys. They won't do what I tell them.

KIRK

Nice maypole, Patty! Really organized!

MISS PATTY

Oh, shut up, Kirk!

LORELAI

Tough day, Patty?

MISS PATTY

I've worked with Joan Crawford. This is worse.

KIRK

I don't call that a "maypole." I'd call that a "maybe-not pole."

LORELAI

What's with him?

MISS PATTY

He's mad because I made Chrissy my dance captain over him.

LORELAI

Kirk has forty-three jobs.

MISS PATTY

Would you go talk to him, please? I got my hands full here.

LORELAI

The Banyan boys?

MISS PATTY

Oh! Lucifer tired of them in hell and dumped them here.

LORELAI

I'll talk to Kirk.

MISS PATTY

Thank you. All right, Chrissy, let's give it another go!

LORELAI

Hey, Kirk, maybe you want to ease up on Patty a little.

KIRK

But the maypole is an expertise of mine. I re-enacted the dwarf's maypole choreography from "The Safety Dance" video, my junior-high talent show. Chicks were falling at my feet. I'm less than impressed, Patty!

LORELAI

Take a break, please. I've seen Miss Patty get violent. It's not pretty. Remember that time?

KIRK

That's when she beat me up.

LORELAI

Yeah. Let's not repeat that.

KIRK

Okay.

JACKSON

They're the best I've got.

SOOKIE

That's sad for you and the whole vegetable industry.

JACKSON

They're the best in the state. I stand by them.

SOOKIE

They're puny. They're tasteless.

JACKSON

Puny? These are not puny.

SOOKIE

If they're small enough to shove up our son's nose, they're too small!

JACKSON

No way could you shove one of these up Davey's nose.

SOOKIE

Bet you five bucks.

JACKSON

Get him in here!

LORELAI

[entering] Hey, guys. You probably shouldn't shove a radish up your son's nose. Just thinking out loud.

SOOKIE

All right, I'll take these if it's all you've got.

JACKSON

Well, don't do me any favors. [leaves]

LORELAI

You two are back big-time.

SOOKIE

That actually felt good. [Chuckles] Like getting a Jack LaLanne workout.

LORELAI

Dead or alive?

SOOKIE

Jack LaLanne? Dead. No -- alive. [Lorelai's phone rings] Oh, now that's gonna bug me.

LORELAI

Hello?

RORY

[walking through Yale campus] There is so much joy around me, I'm gonna hurl.

LORELAI

Hey, what's wrong?

RORY

You should see all the boisterous high-fiving going on all around me. It's sad. It's just really sad. Hey, do you mind, buddy?

LORELAI

Kids are in party mode, huh?

RORY

The kids are clicking their heels like there's no tomorrow. And there is no tomorrow for those who do not have a final on Saturday morning, such as me. I'm pathetic. I should stand between two of them and have them high-five my head from opposite sides and put me out of my misery.

LORELAI

Just one more final to go, then you'll be free.

RORY

Ahh, two more boisterous bozos just rubbing my face in it.

LORELAI

You know, I do have one thing to run by you. Do you have the brain power?

RORY

I think I can swing it.

LORELAI

It involves the "J" word.

RORY

Oh, not more about Jesus. I'm sick of him and Mel Gibson.

LORELAI

Jess.

RORY

Oh, what about him?

LORELAI

He's in town for that wedding and I never know where we stand on the Jessometer. I've been seeing him. I was just wondering if you want me to tell you when I do.

RORY

Sure.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

Why not?

LORELAI

Okay. It's just always so weird -- this "J"-word topic of ours.

RORY

You don't have to refer to him as "the 'J' word." Call him "Jess," and feel free to tell me when you see him.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

I mean, if you see him eight times in one day, you don't need to call me eight different times to tell me. That's clearly overdose.

LORELAI

Sure.

RORY

Maybe, like, you could limit the reports to just significant sightings. If you see him a hundred yards away, disappearing around a corner, I really don't need to know that. If he comes up to you and spits in your face, report that.

LORELAI

Permission to spit back?

RORY

You know what I'm saying.

LORELAI

I know what you're saying. Hey, you know what I should do? Run up, tell him I love him, then run away really fast -- a taste of his own medicine.

RORY

Don't do that! Don't do anything out of the ordinary.

LORELAI

I won't. Honey, I'm kidding. [Gasps]

RORY

What?

LORELAI

There's a horse in the dining room.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Cletus is in the dining room.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

He heard about the terrific continental breakfast? I don't know. I gotta go look into this.

RORY

Okay. Bye.

LORELAI

Cletus, honey!

MICHEL

Lorelai, I need your signature on this, please.

LORELAI

Michel.

MICHEL

Yes?

LORELAI

Do you see the big-nostriled thing next to me here?

MICHEL

The horse?

LORELAI

Uh-huh, the horse.

MICHEL

It's been here for twenty minutes.

LORELAI

Oh. What were you doing about it?

MICHEL

Eh, nothing.

LORELAI

Oh, no, nothing?

MICHEL

It's a giant, smelly horse. I figured someone was already taking care of it.

LORELAI

Oh.

SOOKIE

He's alive!

LORELAI

Who?

SOOKIE

Jack LaLanne. I just googled him. Hi, Cletus.

LORELAI

Oh, so you already saw the horse?

SOOKIE

Yeah. Sure, he's been here, what, twenty, thirty minutes?

MICHEL

About twenty-five.

LORELAI

New Dragonfly Inn rule -- everyone listening? Okay, if you see a horse in the inn or any other large quadruped or biped or anything that's not -- what's the word -- human, figure no one's doing anything about it and do something.

MICHEL

Oh, fine with me.

SOOKIE

Yeah, same here.

MICHEL

If we had the rule before, I would have done something.

LORELAI

Okay. Great. Thanks. Bye. [to Cletus] Come on, troublemaker.

RORY

Hittin' the road, Glenn?

GLENN

Yep, and I got a hot date tonight.

RORY

Who's the lucky girl?

GLENN

I'm getting back together with my girl from back home. Want to see her picture?

RORY

Sure. Glenn, this girl is, like, twelve years old.

GLENN

It's her when she was little. Don't make this into something dirty! She drives and everything.

RORY

Have a good summer, Glenn.

TANA

Oh, Rory, perfect timing. I want you to meet somebody. This is my boyfriend, Chester Fleet.

RORY

Oh, hi, Chester. I've heard a lot about you.

CHESTER

You can't believe everything you hear.

TANA

Oh, it's kind of a weird day to meet him because he lost a bet with me. And that means that for the entire day, he can only talk in clichés. It's so much fun.

RORY

Sounds it.

CHESTER

It's always fun till someone gets hurt.

JANET

Hey, I'm leaving, guys. Rory, you get yourself a funky monkey?

RORY

What?

JANET

Everyone poured all the alcohol they had left into a bowl and that's what's in the cup. Tastes gross, but does the trick.

TANA

I stashed one in the fridge for you. It was poured for me, but I'm not having one.

CHESTER

Lips that touch wine shall never touch mine.

TANA

So much fun!

JANET

Well, I guess this is goodbye. See you, Rory. Have a good one.

RORY

Bye, Janet.

PARIS

Janet, wait, wait! [runs into the room and hugs Janet] I hate that our little clique is breaking up. It's so the end of something.

JANET

You off your meds, Paris?

PARIS

You never get emotional at goodbyes?

JANET

With people I like. See you.

PARIS

Keep in touch.

TANA

So I made a collage of photos of people in the building, and I'm having everyone sign. Will you two do me the honor?

RORY

Sure.

PARIS

I'll honor you.

TANA

Isn't it a great keepsake? There's Janet with her boyfriend and Lana with hers. That's Mark and Stacy -- they're inseparable. And, oh, there's one of you, Rory.

RORY

That's me.

TANA

And, um, Janet and her boyfriend again, and me with Chester.

CHESTER

You're the apple of my eye.

PARIS

That's getting annoying there, Chester.

TANA

And, uh, there you are again, Rory, with...oh, that's a lamppost. Oh, here's a bunch of couples from Valentine's Day. You're not in that one. And here you are with all the cafeteria ladies. I can make you a copy of that, if you'd like.

RORY

That's okay.

PARIS

Rory, you've had quite the dry spell this year.

RORY

I have not had a dry spell.

PARIS

There's not one picture of you with a guy.

TANA

Oh, no. No. There's one. See? That's Rory with the statue of Eli Yale.

PARIS

People are gonna talk.

RORY

I don't care what people say. Are people talking?

PARIS

Not that I've heard. You just don't get out enough.

CHESTER

All work and no play makes Jack...

RORY

Say goodbye before you leave?

TANA

Will do.

RORY

Since when are you someone who defines a girl by whether or not she's with a guy? I mean, you embarrassed me in front of Tana and Chester.

PARIS

Please. They were singing the lumberjack song at the top of their lungs. They're embarrassment-proof. [hands Rory a piece of paper] Here.

RORY

What's this? Leonard Fleming?

PARIS

Asher's son. He's a terrific guy -- good looking, runs a mutual fund, newly divorced, and on the hunt.

RORY

I don't think so.

PARIS

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He is one hot apple, juicy to the core.

RORY

I got it. Nice, hot apple.

PARIS

I just want you to be happy.

RORY

Please, don't feel sorry for me. I'm fine.

PARIS

I don't want you to have a long, dry summer.

RORY

Please stop talking about my love life.

PARIS

Fine. Wish me a merry trip to jolly old England.

RORY

Have a merry trip.

PARIS

And hey, if you call Leonard and one of his kids answers, hang up. They still think Mommy's coming back.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, Mrs. Kim.

MRS. KIM

Hello, Lorelai. What can I do for you?

LORELAI

Well, do you still have the big door knockers -- metal with the chipped red paint? [Mrs. Kim picks up a door knocker.] You're a magician. Do you know that? Oh, it's great. Isn't it big?

MRS. KIM

And good price, seeing as how it may have belonged to James Madison. It was commonly known that James Madison liked big knockers.

LORELAI

[laughing] I bet a lot of the founding fathers liked big knockers. I'm sorry for laughing. I'd explain if I could.

MRS. KIM

It's a double entendre. I've been in this country 20 years. I get things.

LORELAI

I never doubted.

MRS. KIM

It's ninety dollars.

LORELAI

I'll take it.

MRS. KIM

Here.

LORELAI

What's this?

MRS. KIM

Mail for Lane. I know you go to Luke's, where she works. If you could pass this on to her, I would appreciate it.

LORELAI

Mrs. Kim, hasn't this gone on long enough?

MRS. KIM

Not for you to say.

LORELAI

She's your only child. I know you miss her. She misses you. Call her. See her. Don't avoid her.

MRS. KIM

This is between me and my daughter.

LORELAI

Well, as your mailman, I hereby resign.

MRS. KIM

Fine. It comes to $140.

LORELAI

You said ninety.

MRS. KIM

Wrapping charge.

CARRIE

And it's not just guys -- girls are not supposed to be monogamous, either. We're homo sapiens, not rocks.

LIZ

That'so unromantic.

WOMAN 1

You can say that. You got lucky.

WOMAN 2

Yeah, T.J. Is yum, yum.

LIZ

I did get lucky, didn't I?

CARRIE

We're animals, and animals in the wild don't mate for life, except, like, tigers, but they're retarded.

LUKE

Hey, Liz.

CARRIE

Men are good for two things. Make that one, and the one thing they're not that good at.

LUKE

Excuse me, sorry to break up the festivities, but do you have any idea if I'm doing this right?

CARRIE

Most guys don't know if they're doing it right.

LIZ

Uh, not my expertise, bro, but they smell good, if that helps.

LUKE

Well, there should have been an instruction book of some kind.

LIZ

I'm so sorry this got dumped on you, but the turkey leg guy knew that going into that bar violated his parole. You can't reason with him.

LUKE

Is this how turkey legs are supposed to look?

CARRIE

I don't know. Take off your pants and let us see.

LUKE

Hey, weren't you guys going to a spa or something?

LIZ

Yeah, we're going, right?

WOMAN 2

In a minute.

JESS

[coming into the room and speaking to Luke] I need to get some batteries. I'll be back.

LIZ

Jess! Jess! Come over here and meet my oldest friends.

LUKE

Watch the one on the left.

JESS

Thanks.

LIZ

Girls, this is Jess.

CARRIE

Hello, handsome.

WOMAN 1 & 2

Hi.

JESS

Hi.

LIZ

He's gonna walk me down the aisle. Is that cool or what?

JESS

It's no big deal.

LIZ

It's a very big deal.

LUKE

Can I help you?

MAN

Got a package here.

LUKE

From who? I'm not expecting anything.

MAN

It's a very important package.

LUKE

But there's no address on it.

JESS

Have fun.

LUKE

Have fun with what?

MAN

This package is for Liz Danes.

LIZ

Oh, that -- that's me.

MAN

Do you accept delivery?

LIZ

I -- I guess.

CARRIE

Shake it, doll, shake it.

LUKE

No, don't shake it in here.

WOMAN 1

Luke, we need change!

WOMAN 2

Turn these twenties into ones!

LIZ

I don't believe this, you rats!

CARRIE

Earn your money for Mama!

KIRK

Nail polish remover -- $1.40. Ladies Speed Stick -- $2.60. Good choice on that one. Keeps you dry all day and into the night. Jasmine body lotion -- nice price on that. Might want to get a couple.

DEAN

[to Jess] It's for my wife.

KIRK

And, with your emery boards, it comes to $19.67.

DEAN

Keep the change.

EMILY

I'm so sorry you have a final tomorrow. I thought you'd be free as a bird tonight.

RORY

Them's the breaks.

EMILY

You could have stayed at school and studied if you had to. I hope you know that.

LORELAI

You're playing different music.

EMILY

Hmm?

LORELAI

The music -- it's different. Some chick is singing.

EMILY

It's "Blossom Deary." You don't like it?

LORELAI

No, I like it fine. You've just never played it. You and Dad always play classical music.

EMILY

We just thought we'd try something new tonight.

LORELAI

We?

EMILY

He's out of town, but you know what I mean. We talked about changing the music. So when will you be done with your final tomorrow?

RORY

Around noon, depending on how fast I write.

EMILY

Any friends left behind to keep you company -- girlfriends, boyfriends?

RORY

Well, my roommates are all gone, and I'd say 95% of the class has vamoosed.

EMILY

And you don't have a boyfriend?

RORY

Not really.

LORELAI

Why, do you? [on Emily's look] I'm making a joke.

EMILY

I was just wondering. We haven't talked about your love life in a while. I get to ask sometimes, don't I?

RORY

Um, sure.

LORELAI

Where'd you say Dad was?

RORY

[enunciating] In Philadelphia.

LORELAI

Thanks, Mom. Philadelphia, huh? Funny, you didn't mention that to me when we talked earlier. You just said he wouldn't be here.

EMILY

Well, what do you want, Lorelai? For his secretary to fax you his schedule?

LORELAI

No, I just want to be kept informed.

EMILY

Well, a lot of his schedule these days has to do with Floyd AKA your ex-boyfriend's father. I didn't know how much detail you wanted to hear.

LORELAI

I hear you. Blossom hears you. We're good.

EMILY

So you'll be a free girl around noon?

RORY

Around then.

EMILY

I just wanted to know because I to be thinking about you right at that moment when the weight is lifting off your shoulders.

RORY

I'll be looking forward to it.

EMILY

I'll be right back. I'm going to see if Kiki put the raspberry soufflés in.

LORELAI

Dad hates raspberries.

EMILY

No, he doesn't.

LORELAI

Oh, sorry, thought he did. Sorry.

RORY

What is going on here?

LORELAI

I'm trying to get her to fess up to the separation.

RORY

No, me! Am I cloaked in loneliness or something? Everybody has been pestering me about my love life this week.

LORELAI

That was not about you. It was about evading my questions. It's a classic Sun Tzu "Art of War" maneuver. If you're being attacked from the east, attack whoever's to your west, and you were the west. I never read the book. It's full of crap like that.

RORY

Well, stop attacking her so she'll stop attacking me.

LORELAI

Well, you butted into my line of inquiry with your, "He's in Philadelphia" stuff. She was about ready to crack.

RORY

She was not ready to crack. She was ready to say, "He's in Philadelphia."

LORELAI

Did he sound like he was in Philadelphia when he called?

RORY

You mean, did I hear guys in the background saying, "Get your Philly cheesesteak here?"

LORELAI

Why aren't you seeing anybody, by the way?

RORY

I'm gonna throw a roll at you.

LORELAI

I just gotta know what's going on with them.

RORY

They're having some sort of marital difficulty, Mom, and pressuring her like this is not going to help.

LORELAI

But I'm dying here. I mean, if he's out of town, is she actually staying here instead of that hotel she checked into? Or is she staying here permanently, and he's the one who's at a hotel? Or --

EMILY

Well, thank God I checked or we would have been soufflé-less.

LORELAI

Well, good, good. Gotta have that soufflé.

EMILY

So, where were we?

RORY

We were all about to switch to new subjects.

EMILY

Oh, okay.

LORELAI

Dad hates chicken Kiev, doesn't he?

ZACH

Well, who called Groton?

BRIAN

I didn't.

LANE

Me neither.

ZACH

Someone in this room called someone in Groton at 11:37 P.M. on the 16th, and it wasn't me.

LANE

That was the night you had those two trampy girls over, Zach.

ZACH

They weren't trampy.

LANE

I heard one of them call her boyfriend and brag that she had scored some sucker beer.

ZACH

I'll pay for Groton. [Doorbell rings.] Does that doorbell run on electricity? 'Cause that's eating up money, too. We have to tell people to knock.

LANE

[opening the door] Aunt Jun.

JUN

I'm here on your mother's behalf. She would like to visit.

LANE

Here?

JUN

A social call.

LANE

When?

JUN

Here are three times she can come this week. If none are convenient, she will offer three more. If those are not good, she will rescind the offer. Does this sound reasonable?

LANE

Very.

JUN

Fine.

LANE

Is she bringing a Bible?

JUN

She didn't say. Here's your mail.

LANE

Thank you. Would you like to come in?

JUN

No.

EMILY

Rory?

RORY

Grandma, hi.

EMILY

You busy?

RORY

No, I was just packing and having a little lemonade here.

EMILY

You're done with your final, right?

RORY

Yes. What are you doing here?

EMILY

Well, I had lunch today on campus with a friend -- Cassie Sullivan. She's with the alumni committee. Didn't I mention it last night?

RORY

Not that I remember.

EMILY

Anyway, she has a son who's a freshman also -- Graham Sullivan. You haven't met him?

RORY

I don't think so.

EMILY

Would you like to?

RORY

Sure.

EMILY

Is now okay?

RORY

Now?

EMILY

Graham! [Graham comes into the room.] Graham, this is Rory. Rory, Graham. Graham's family and ours go way back. I remember this young man in diapers. He's one of the poor unfortunates who had a Saturday final, too.

GRAHAM

Chemistry.

RORY

Philosophy.

EMILY

I meant to introduce the two of you ages ago. I hate that it's last minute like this. I feel awful.

RORY

Oh, that's okay. Don't feel bad.

GRAHAM

[whispering to Rory] Alcohol on your breath.

EMILY

Graham mentioned that he and his group were going out tonight to celebrate. What did you call them -- "the Saturday orphans"?

GRAHAM

Yes, I did.

EMILY

And he thought you might like to go.

GRAHAM

Yeah.

EMILY

Would you...like to go?

RORY

Um...sure.

EMILY

Wonderful!

GRAHAM

I actually tried to get your grandmother to go, too, but she made up some dumb excuse.

EMILY

You're something else, you know that? Well, I feel good about this. My orphan is an orphan no more. I'll go now. Bye, Rory.

RORY

[mumbling as she turns her head so that Emily won't smell her breath as they hug] Bye, grandma.

GRAHAM

Okay, well, lesson number one -- when your mom or your grandmother starts trying to pin down your specific whereabouts at a specific time and place, and she's smiling kind of weird, begin evasive maneuvers immediately.

RORY

Got caught in that one myself.

GRAHAM

And lesson number two -- never, ever let anybody outside of your family see you in diapers.

RORY

You were young...I hope. [Graham starts helping Rory pack.] Oh, you don't have to do that.

GRAHAM

Oh, I just taped up eight of my own boxes. I'm a box-taping machine. Use me.

RORY

Oh, thank you.

GRAHAM

So, uh, the plans for tonight -- they're pretty casual. There'll be about ten of us. You're totally welcome to come.

RORY

I was just gonna go home, but, I don't know, maybe.

GRAHAM

We're gonna get some food, hang out. I'll leave you my cell phone number. You got a piece of paper?

RORY

Um...yeah.

GRAHAM

Great. [reads the paper] Leonard Fleming.

RORY

Ignore that.

GRAHAM

Maybe I'll see you later.

RORY

Yeah.

GRAHAM

Enjoy your lemonade.

LUKE

What is wrong with this shoe polish?

JESS

Pontius Pilate was alive when you bought it?

LUKE

Shoe polish goes bad?

JESS

It's all chunky.

LUKE

Aah, it messed up my shoes.

JESS

Just wipe them off. They'll be fine.

T.J.

[coming out of the bathroom] Don't you have a full-length mirror?

LUKE

Don't need one.

T.J.

You don't like looking at your bottom half? I love looking at my bottom half.

LUKE

I look down to look at my bottom half. I don't need a mirror to do that.

T.J.

You seem nervous.

LUKE

I'm not nervous.

T.J.

I don't see why you would be. I'm the one getting shackled today. Looks like old polish.

LUKE

Yep.

T.J.

The Queer Eye guys are very against old polish.

LUKE

Ohh.

T.J.

[to Jess] He's very nervous.

LUKE

I'm not nervous.

JESS

Maybe it's time you put a shirt on.

T.J.

Why, am I getting you hot?

JESS

I need the bathroom.

LUKE

Just hold on.

T.J.

I am lovin' these tights. They're fantastic. They lend support everywhere you need it, but they breathe.

JESS

[to Luke, who is trying to choose a tie] This one.

LUKE

Thanks.

T.J.

Hey, Luke, I had to borrow your deodorant. I hope that's okay.

LUKE

Ohh.

JESS

Allow me. [throws it into the trash can]

LORELAI

Greetings, my lord. Your lady hath arrived to be escorted forthwith.

LUKE

That's pretty good. I didn't know you spoke Renaissance.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. I'm quite fluent in Renaissance. You look nice. I'm lovin' the tie.

LUKE

Thanks. You look beautiful.

LORELAI

Flattery will get you everywhere, my friend. Shall we?

LUKE

Let's go.

LORELAI

No, really, a nice, manly wreath in your hair wouldn't work?

LUKE

There's no such thing as a manly wreath.

LORELAI

Oh, I don't know. Julius Caesar pulled it off. He was very popular with the ladies. Cleopatra used to pull his leaves off -- very sexy.

T.J.'S BROTHER

What's this? Surely these be time travelers from the future in such foreign, mystical garb.

LORELAI

And who be you, kind sir?

T.J.'S BROTHER

T.J.'s brother. I got a patio furniture store down in Nutley. Plastic, metal, teak -- whatever you need, I can hook you up.

LORELAI

Okay, thank you.

LUKE

Just do me a favor. I'm gonna try to keep a happy, proud look on my face to cover the smirking and about-to-laugh-my-ass-off face just underneath. Help me achieve this.

LORELAI

Oh, come on. They have a community of people, friends, you know, who travel together, engage in silliness, dress in costume. I think it's nice.

CARRIE

Hi, Lucas.

LUKE

Oh! Hi, Carrie.

CARRIE

Is that a power suit?

LUKE

It's my only suit.

CARRIE

Looks pretty powerful to me. So, um, Barry stayed home.

LUKE

Who?

CARRIE

The ball and chain. I'm flying solo tonight. Save a dance for me?

LUKE

Uh, I don't dance.

CARRIE

You will dance.

LORELAI

Hey, how 'bout we work on him together? I think there's a hoofer buried deep inside there, don't you?

CARRIE

I guess.

LUKE

Carrie, this is Lorelai.

CARRIE

I know. Hi.

LORELAI

Hi.

CARRIE

So, um, there's gonna be a little delay. Liz ripped her dress, and it's gonna take a while to fix it. I'm supposed to spread the message.

LUKE

Well spread it, Car -- the message, the message. [Carrie walks away.] She makes me very uncomfortable.

LORELAI

Poor Liz. Does she know how to fix something like that?

LUKE

She was never one for household skills.

LORELAI

I'm gonna go see. She's at Miss Patty's?

LUKE

Don't leave me alone.

LORELAI

Carrie found the guy with the codpiece. That will keep her occupied.

LUKE

Hurry back.

LORELAI

Hey.

MISS PATTY

Oh, Lorelai, thank heavens. I'm so bad with wardrobe.

LIZ

I ripped it getting up. I'm such a klutz.

LORELAI

Oh, well, that's why I'm here. Patty, you have a sewing kit?

MISS PATTY

Oh, yeah. Right here, sweetie.

LIZ

I'm holding everyone up.

LORELAI

No, no. Hey, today's your day. If anyone gets to hold things up, it's you. Relax.

LIZ

Ohh, I'm nervous. Do I look nervous? I sound nervous.

LORELAI

You look great. It's normal to be nervous on your wedding day.

LIZ

This is my first wedding of mine that I've ever been sober for. I'm probably gonna remember this one.

MISS PATTY

The ones that you remember are the ones that stick.

LIZ

What was your wedding like? Were you this nervous?

LORELAI

Never been married.

LIZ

You got a kid.

LORELAI

Found a way around that.

LIZ

I see. You want to get married?

LORELAI

Oh, now, Liz. It's inappropriate for you to propose to me on your wedding day.

LIZ

But do you want to get married? You must want to get married.

LORELAI

I guess so, you know, if I meet the right guy.

LIZ

I hate being single. Ever think, if you got married today or even in the next few years, you could be married for fifty years -- for most of your life. Same with me and T.J. I could be married most of my life to him. Isn't that weird to think about?

LORELAI

I could be married for most of my life.

LIZ

I don't want to screw up this marriage even more than I want some pot. That's how serious I am.

LORELAI

Hm.

JESS

[Jess knocks on the door as he walks in.] Are you ready? The crowd's getting restless.

LIZ

You're getting restless. Hey, do you two know each other?

LORELAI

Oh, Jess and I go way back. He dated my daughter.

LIZ

Oh, you broke her daughter's heart?

JESS

Ah, I, uh...

LORELAI

No, no, he didn't. It just didn't work out.

LIZ

Good, 'cause I don't want him to be like his father, breaking hearts. I want him to be like T.J. Or my second husband or, like my boyfriend after my third husband, who died. They were good guys.

LORELAI

Oh. You're all done.

LIZ

Oh, it's perfect!

MISS PATTY

Oh, she's a miracle worker.

JESS

I'm gonna go tell the others.

LIZ

Thanks, hon! [to Lorelai] And thank you. You're gonna make a great wife some day and a great sister-in-law to some very lucky girl.

LORELAI

Well, I hope so.

LIZ

Now, go on, Luke's waiting. Unless my friend Carrie suffocated him with her boobs.

LORELAI

Well, that would be festive. Here, Patty.

MISS PATTY

Let's check your hair real quick, sweetie.

LIZ

Oh, okay.

MISS PATTY

You look absolutely beautiful.

LUKE

Everything okay?

LORELAI

Crisis averted.

LUKE

Must be starting.

LORELAI

Think they know any Zeppelin? [Two women dance down the aisle tossing roses.] Ooh, roses -- nice.

LUKE

Does she remind you of someone?

LORELAI

Can you say Leslie Van Houten? [A jester tumbles down the aisle.] Now, that's impressive.

LUKE

Yeah.

T.J.

These tights, I'm telling you -- the best. I'm happy, my boys are happy, and they don't ride up. [lifts his arms] Hey...still dry. Thanks, buddy.

LORELAI

You dried his armpits?

LUKE

I don't want to talk about it.

LORELAI

Oh, I want one of those. She looks happy.

LUKE

Yeah, she does.

T.J.

She looks hot.

T.J.'S BROTHER

Smokin'.

T.J.

Don't you say that.

LORELAI

[whispering] Where's the minister?

MINISTER

[strolls into the gazebo singing and strumming a guitar] As kids we shared our toys/with all the girls and boys/barrel of monkeys/your battleship sunk me/please recall the joy/Wheelo, Clue, Mousetrap/bash and spirograph/kaleidoscopes spinning/Yahtzee I'm winning/think of how we laughed/but today we share our love/today we share our love/for love is the greatest toy around/around, around

LUKE

[trying not to laugh] Help.

LORELAI

Think of something not funny.

LUKE

Can't.

MINISTER

You may plant the ceremonial sword.

LORELAI

Avalanches, earthquakes...

LUKE

Not doin' it.

LORELAI

Famine...and I'm out.

MINISTER

Hello, friends. Isn't it a beautiful day? The day that Liz and T.J. share their love in front of those they love. Liz, do you want to tell T.J. how you feel?

LIZ

Yes. T.J.

T.J.

Yeah?

LIZ

My heart just pours out to you. You have been so good to me and for me. I don't know where I'd be without you. I'd be worse off, I know that. [ Sighs ] You're something else.

MINISTER

Nice. T.J.

T.J.

Well, I wrote something down, but, for all the good points about tights -- and there are a lot -- they don't have pockets. So I gotta go off the cuff. I love ya. [They kiss and hug.]

LORELAI

Aw, that wasn't so funny.

LUKE

Nah, that wasn't funny at all.

LANE

[nervously] Hi, Mama.

MRS. KIM

Hello, Lane. Thank you for having me.

LANE

You find the place okay?

MRS. KIM

Yes. Here. Multi-grain soy pudding. Extra chunky, the way you like it.

LANE

I bet we'll all like it.

MRS. KIM

We?

LANE

Come in, Mama. Mama, these are my roommates -- Zach and Brian.

ZACH

Hello, Mrs. Kim.

BRIAN

Welcome.

LANE

There's no way I could afford a place on my own, so we live together. We share all the expenses and a bathroom. That's unfortunate, but we're starving artists, Mama. These are my bandmates. Zach, would you make us some tea?

ZACH

I'd be delighted.

BRIAN

I'll get the cups.

LANE

How about a tour? This is the living room, obviously. That's where Zach and Brian sleep.

ZACH

A solid eight hours every night.

LANE

This is my room. Window's broken but the landlord's on it. Kitchen, refrigerator...

ZACH

Would you like to pick a tea? We have a whole selection.

BRIAN

Lapsang oolong, orange pekoe, Sleepy Time?

WOMAN

Harry, they've got turkey legs!

LORELAI

I was born four hundred years too late. I mean, this food is amazing.

LUKE

Here's a couple seats.

LORELAI

Okay.

MRS. KIM

There were boys.

LORELAI

What? Where?

MRS. KIM

At Lane's -- two boys -- one with hair.

LORELAI

O-o-okay, you went to Lane's?

MRS. KIM

And the place -- broken furniture and dirt and boys and a broken window and boys --

LORELAI

Slow down.

MRS. KIM

-- and a tiny fridge and guitars and boys.

LORELAI

How many boys where there?

MRS. KIM

Two boys.

LORELAI

Two boys.

MRS. KIM

She stood in that room with two boys. I didn't stand alone in a room with two boys until I was -- I've never done that.

LORELAI

Mrs. Kim, you know why the boys were there.

MRS. KIM

She's dirty.

LORELAI

She's not dirty. She was trying to be up front with you, and that's good. She could have hid them from you, and she didn't.

MRS. KIM

I wish she did.

LORELAI

No, you don't. I've met those boys. They're innocent. As innocent as if she was living with two girls. So think of them that way.

MRS. KIM

What way?

LORELAI

Think of them as girls.

MRS. KIM

Girls?

LORELAI

Girls.

MRS. KIM

I don't like girls either.

LORELAI

Well, you like them better than boys.

MRS. KIM

True.

LORELAI

And Lane is trying so hard.

MRS. KIM

Girls.

LORELAI

Yeah, think of them as two tall, gawky, caring, sometimes unwashed girls who are watching out for your daughter's safety.

MRS. KIM

Girls. Girls. [walks away]

LUKE

Is she okay?

LORELAI

Um, she will be. She'll be okay. Ooh, hey, look. Jess made a friend.

MAN

People think prison's a waste of time, but prison's the best thing that ever happened to me.

JESS

Interesting.

MAN

Picked up skills -- metal working, laundry -- that's a skill. Doing laundry for 600 guys -- no piece of cake.

JESS

Great.

MAN

Added fabric softener for cigarettes.

LORELAI

Career guidance?

LUKE

He's doing better. He's gonna be okay.

T.J.

It's like a marketing thing. Don't call 'em "tights." You guys don't want to wear "tights." Call 'em "air pants." Here's your slogan -- "air pants -- the pants that breathe." I'm telling you, we gotta get in on the ground floor of this.

LIZ

There they are -- my two heroes. You saved the wedding.

LORELAI

I saved nothing.

LIZ

And you're always my hero, my big brother.

LUKE

Congratulations, sis.

LIZ

Wasn't Jess great? It made all the difference.

T.J.

It wasn't like it was a hard thing to do, but he did it good.

LIZ

[to Jess] Hey, hey, hey! You say "goodbye" before you leave.

JESS

I'm just going to get more food.

LIZ

You promise?

JESS

I promise.

T.J.

Come on, let's get some chow.

LIZ

Okay. Bye, guys.

LORELAI

Oh, she's so happy.

LUKE

Yeah, and he really loves tights.

LORELAI

Oh, you want to know something weird?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

When I was at Miss Patty's, Jess was there. And he had his backpack, and it was open, and I saw this book. I thought I was seeing things.

LUKE

A book?

LORELAI

Yes. It was a self-help book with some goofy title like, "Learn to Love" or "How to Love When You're Unloved" or something like that. [Luke forces a laugh.] Isn't that bizarre?

LUKE

I don't know.

LORELAI

Well, I'll answer for you. It is bizarre.

LUKE

Maybe he's just trying to learn something, better himself.

LORELAI

Have you seen this book?

LUKE

I know nothing about this book.

LORELAI

Those kinds of books are idiotic.

LUKE

Not if they help people.

LORELAI

I can't believe you're not mocking this book, which is so pathetically mockable.

LUKE

Maybe it's more pathetic if people don't try. And maybe he's trying. You ever think of that?

LORELAI

No, but --

LUKE

He can read whatever he wants to read. I forgot to get something to drink. You need something to drink?

LORELAI

I'm fine.

JONAH

No way! No way! Duke is gonna dominate the ACC Again.

GRAHAM

No way.

JONAH

Williams? Redick? Graham, Redick has a 96% free-throw average. It's a done deal.

GRAHAM

Carolina is coming back -- no question.

JONAH

Question. Question.

GRAHAM

What is that? Your patented 5-beer comeback?

JONAH

Seven free throws, man. All season -- seven. That's it.

GRAHAM

[going over to Rory] You're not drinking.

RORY

I'm fine.

GRAHAM

So you only drink alone?

RORY

Pardon me?

GRAHAM

The lemonade?

RORY

That was just a roommate thing. I don't usually drink.

GRAHAM

Oh...pity.

RORY

You want to get back to your group?

GRAHAM

Not if it's suddenly gonna get exciting over here.

RORY

I wouldn't count on it.

GRAHAM

You have got to lighten up.

RORY

Gee, that's one of my favorite phrases.

GRAHAM

That's a sign, boys.

JONAH

Mucky duck?

GRAHAM

Mucky duck! [to Rory] Let's go.

RORY

We just got here.

GRAHAM

Well, what's a pub crawl without the crawl?

JONAH

Who's got my keys?

RORY

He's driving?

GRAHAM

He's one of the best drunk drivers in Connecticut.

JONAH

Top fifty, easy.

GRAHAM

You ready?

RORY

Actually, I just think I'm gonna take off.

GRAHAM

What?

RORY

Yeah, I'm kind of tired.

GRAHAM

Rory!

RORY

Thanks for everything.

GRAHAM

Well, do you want me to drive you home?

RORY

We came here with Jonah.

GRAHAM

Right. Well, you need money for a cab?

RORY

I got money.

GRAHAM

I feel kind of bad.

RORY

Don't.

GRAHAM

Okay. See you later.

GRAHAM

Bye. [under her breath] Putz. [to a passing waitress] Excuse me, is there an ATM here?

WAITRESS

A few blocks down. I wouldn't walk, though. It gets dicey at night.

RORY

Hi, it's me. I'm kind of stuck and I -- well, I didn't know who else to call.

ZACH

Okay, it looks like Brian's paying for call waiting for the next two months.

BRIAN

It's not over till it's over.

ZACH

Lane, door! I'll throw in my share of next month's gas bill, I'm that confident.

BRIAN

You're gonna eat your confidence.

LANE

[opening the door] Mama.

MRS. KIM

I'm back.

ZACH

Pause it, pause it, pause it.

LANE

Come in.

MRS. KIM

This, we'll clean up. Window will be fixed. Temporary fridge. You two are girls. I'll have tea now.

ZACH

I'll boil water.

BRIAN

I'll bring you our selection.

KIRK

Hope ye took much pleasure in Kajagoogoo. Methinks Oingo Boingo wilst soon makest an appearance. But first, please clear the floor for our happy couple...eth.

LUKE

[to court jester] Yeah, I'd love to see you juggle sometime. I'm a big fan of juggling. [to Lorelai] He, uh -- he juggles for money.

LORELAI

You okay?

LUKE

Yeah, yeah.

LORELAI

We okay?

LUKE

Yeah, I-I-I didn't mean to get so defensive.

LORELAI

I didn't mean to make fun of Jess and what he was reading. Maybe it's good that he had it. You know, maybe -- he's trying.

LUKE

It's okay. I mean, that book does sound pretty dorky.

KIRK

Liz and T.J. wouldst enjoy others to join them in their modest wriggles.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, so your food's probably cold. You want to go get some more?

LUKE

Sure, or we can...you know.

LORELAI

We can...do what?

LUKE

You want to dance?

LORELAI

Really?

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Um, you said before you don't dance.

LUKE

Well, I'm a compulsive liar.

LORELAI

Um, okay, yeah, let's dance.

RORY

Dean.

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

Oh, thank God, a friendly face.

DEAN

What happened here?

RORY

Oh, I feel so stupid. I was on this date.

DEAN

Oh, yeah?

RORY

It was a boy that Grandma saw in diapers. And she brought him over, and I tagged along on this stupid outing tonight.

DEAN

He was in diapers?

RORY

No, she knew him when he was a little kid. So it was this whole big group of people, and they were all drinking in the car, smoking. And I just thought, "These are, maybe, the last people on earth that I would want to die in a car crash with."

DEAN

Well, I'm glad you cut it short.

RORY

Poor Grandma. It's not her fault. She was just thinking I was lonely, and diaper boy was nice and doing her matchmaker thing. Did I say that I feel stupid?

DEAN

No, that's okay. It's cool.

RORY

And hungry. I haven't eaten since breakfast.

DEAN

Well, then, let's eat.

RORY

I have no money.

DEAN

I've got money.

RORY

[to waitress] Excuse me, we'd like to order.

WAITRESS

These are your menus right here.

RORY

Oh, duh, sorry.

WAITRESS

This going on your tab?

RORY

What?

WAITRESS

That card at the counter? It's still open.

RORY

Put your wallet away, and I hope you're hungry.

DEAN

I can eat.

RORY

We will start with the sampler appetizer platter...

LORELAI

This was fun.

LUKE

Yeah, it was.

LORELAI

So, hard to figure out which part of the evening was my favorite.

LUKE

There were a few.

LORELAI

Uh, T.J. throwing his tights at the bachelors instead of Liz's garter? You ducked well, by the way.

LUKE

Pure self-defense.

LORELAI

Ooh, the choking guy being Heimliched by the court jester?

LUKE

That was good.

LORELAI

Or -- or, um, the minister making out with crazy Carrie? T.J.'s brother making out with crazy Carrie? Or that last guy making out with crazy Carrie? Who was that guy?

LUKE

I think that was her husband.

LORELAI

Poor Barry! [ Laughs ] And it might be the dance.

LUKE

Really?

LORELAI

Have you been taking lessons?

LUKE

That was all God-given talent.

LORELAI

It was fun.

LUKE

Yeah, it was.

LORELAI

Well, good night.

LUKE

We should do it again.

LORELAI

What, you got another wedding coming up?

LUKE

Nah, I meant have fun. You know, like a movie or something.

LORELAI

I didn't think you were a movie guy.

LUKE

I can be a movie guy. You like movies.

LORELAI

Yeah -- good, bad, and in-between.

LUKE

How 'bout next week? Sunday?

LORELAI

Sunday?

LUKE

Sunday -- you free?

LORELAI

I-I think so.

LUKE

Okay, good. Good.

LORELAI

Good. Good.

LUKE

I'll see you...before then, but I'll see you then, too.

LORELAI

Yeah, I'll see you both of those thens.

LUKE

Oh, hey. You leaving?

JESS

Just hanging around, see if I'd catch you.

LUKE

Good, I'm glad you did. You can stay a couple more days, if you want. There's no rush.

JESS

Gotta get back to work.

LUKE

Right, right. Did you say "goodbye" to your mom?

JESS

Yeah, we're good. I gave her a cellphone number that's pretty permanent. Just got it. Left it for you on the fridge.

LUKE

Good.

JESS

I want to pay you back... all the money.

LUKE

You don't have to.

JESS

I want to. And I appreciate it...everything -- the money, living here.

LUKE

Well, it's good to hear, but I kind of knew that.

JESS

Yeah, but, in a relationship -- any relationship -- it's important to let the other person know you appreciate them so you don't create barriers that delay any hope for reciprocation.

LUKE

I think I read that somewhere.

JESS

Yeah?

LUKE

You're hoping for reciprocation? You got it. I'm here, Jess. I'm always here.

JESS

Thanks. [They shake hands then hug.] The tie work out?

LUKE

The tie was perfect.

RORY

It's only hitting me now. My classes are done -- done. I don't have to think about Chaucer or Euclid or Kafka or Machiavelli for months. I can just think about Jane magazine and why did Uma wear that dress -- fun stuff like that.

DEAN

You'll still think about Kafka...and probably Chaucer.

RORY

Probably. But those other two bozos are history. You hear me? History! See in there?

DEAN

Yeah.

RORY

First semester poli sci.

DEAN

Which was your seat?

RORY

Oh, we didn't have assigned seats, but I usually sat with my back to the window so I wouldn't get distracted.

DEAN

This campus is huge.

RORY

And you're seeing it at a weird time 'cause we're probably the last two people left.

DEAN

Man, it's good to get out. It's good to laugh. I laughed tonight. You're funny.

RORY

I can be funny.

DEAN

That's what I just said.

RORY

Yeah, but you said it like I never am.

DEAN

You -- you're funny.

RORY

Yeah? Well, this is my room.

DEAN

I know.

RORY

Oh, right, you've been here before.

DEAN

Yeah.

RORY

Well, thanks for saving me.

DEAN

Yeah, anytime.

RORY

[uncertainly] Dean, how is it that you can be out like this, here, with me, or with anyone, for that matter? Where does Lindsay think you are?

DEAN

She thinks I'm out.

RORY

Out where?

DEAN

Doesn't matter.

RORY

What's going on with you? [The door to the building opens and Jess walks in.] What are you doing here?

JESS

I need to talk to you.

DEAN

Jess...

JESS

I need to talk to you.

DEAN

What's going on?

RORY

What are you doing here?

JESS

Rory, please.

DEAN

Rory?

RORY

[to Dean] Go -- go home.

DEAN

No.

RORY

Yes, go. You should go. [Dean leaves.] Why won't you leave me alone? You won't go away.

JESS

Rory.

RORY

What do you want?

JESS

I don't know. I just wanted to see you, talk to you. I just...

RORY

What?

JESS

Come with me.

RORY

What?

JESS

Come with me.

RORY

Where?

JESS

I don't know...away!

RORY

Are you crazy?

JESS

Probably. Do it. Come with me. Don't think about it.

RORY

I can't do that. [opens the door and walks into her room]

JESS

You don't think you can do it but you can. You can do whatever you want.

RORY

It's not what I want.

JESS

It is. I know you.

RORY

You don't know me!

JESS

Look, we'll go to New York. We'll work, we'll live together, we'll be together. It's what I want. It's what you want, too.

RORY

No!

JESS

I want to be with you, but not here. Not this place, not Stars Hollow. We have to start new.

RORY

There's nothing to start!

JESS

You're packed. Your stuff is all in boxes. It's perfect. You're ready. And I'm ready. I'm ready for this. You can count on me now. I know you couldn't count on me before, but you can now. You can.

RORY

No!

JESS

Look, you know we're supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you two years ago, and you know it, too. I know you do.

RORY

No, no, no, no, no!

JESS

Don't say "no" just to make me stop talking or make me go away. Only say "no" if you really don't want to be with me.

RORY

No!