T4E22: “Raincoats and Recipes”

RORY

Oh, hi! Great! I'm still on my finals sleep schedule, and, man, am I wired. What time is it? Like, 3:00 in the morning? I cannot tell anymore. Want some mac and cheese? I love mac and cheese when I can't sleep. [She checks the refrigerator while Lorelai rubs her eyes.] Cool. Individual cheese slices. So, I've been making out my résumé so I can try to get a summer job, because there is no way that I am going to swipe cafeteria cards again next year. [Buzzer sounds in background.] My whites are done. [Rory moves to the laundry room while Lorelai rests head on the kitchen table.] Do you know that the best time to do your laundry at Yale is in the middle of the night? You have your pick of washers, the place has just been swept, and the trash is completely empty. So, what do you think? [Rory brings another clothes basket to laundry room] The Stars Hollow Gazette needs a facts checker, but Rob's Tire is offering way more money. I know that now is the time to suffer for my art, but I was so broke by the end of the year that I had to dip into Paris' green tea stash, which backfired on so many levels, I can't even tell you. [Lorelai shuts laundry door and blocks it with a chair.] Hey!

LORELAI

Great to have you home, hon. [She shuffles off to bed as Rory rattles the doorknob.]

MICHEL

Okay, I think I've got all the rooms assigned for the test run.

LORELAI

Hit me.

MICHEL

Miss Patty is in room one, Babette is in two. I put Taylor in three, the corner room. The Siegels will go in five, you and Rory are in six -

LORELAI

W-wait, what happened to four?

MICHEL

Four is taken.

LORELAI

By whom?

MICHEL

By friends of mine. Sookie and Jackson are in -

LORELAI

Which friends of yours?

MICHEL

You said I could invite friends of mine, did you not?

LORELAI

I did.

MICHEL

Okay, so I did that. I invited two of my friends, and I put them in room four, and now room four is taken with my friends as you suggested, okay?

LORELAI

Paw-paw and Chin Chin cannot come to the test run.

MICHEL

Why not?

LORELAI

Because they are dogs, Michel.

MICHEL

They cannot stay home by themselves. They get lonely and they eat expensive Italian things.

LORELAI

Then get yourself a Chow sitter, because room four is for human beings only.

TOM

Terrific, they're on their way up. [Lorelai approaches with Michel following]

LORELAI

Oh, hey, Tom, I'm putting Post-its where we need paint touch-ups.

TOM

Got it.

LORELAI

And, you know, we got that test run Saturday. I was really hoping to have some doors by then.

TOM

I told you, the doors are coming.

LORELAI

You told me that two weeks ago.

TOM

And I'm sure I meant it.

LORELAI

Tom!

TOM

I'm calling right now.

MICHEL

I don't understand why you get to bring Rory, and I don't get to bring my Chows.

LORELAI

Because I'm mad with power.

MICHEL

They are cleaner than she is. They are quieter than she is.

LORELAI

Stop comparing your dogs to my kid.

MICHEL

As much as you love Rory, that is how much I love Paw-paw and Chin Chin.

LORELAI

I gave birth to her! I carried her inside me, and nine months and twenty-six hours later, she came out!

MICHEL

If I could have given birth to them myself, I would have, but I didn't have that choice! [They both approach Kirk loading wood into the fireplace.]

LORELAI

I think that's enough wood there, Kirk.

KIRK

I put wood in all the guest rooms and the living room, so all I have to do is store the rest of the cord you bought.

LORELAI

Okay, Michel will take you outside and show you where it goes.

KIRK

Outside? Do you really want to expose your wood to the elements?

LORELAI

We'll get a tarp. Michel?

MICHEL

Any dogs, Kirk?

KIRK

Dogs urinate on wood. I hate dogs.

LORELAI

Going with Kirk on his rounds again, Lulu?

LULU

Uh-huh. I just love it when he looks like the Brawny paper towel guy.

LORELAI

It is a good outfit.

LULU

The place looks absolutely wonderful, Lorelai. When does it open?

LORELAI

Two weeks, but we're having a test run on Saturday -- just a bunch of friends who will hopefully still be our friends on Monday.

LULU

Sounds wonderful.

LORELAI

Hey, You and Kirk should come.

LULU

Really?

LORELAI

Sure. I'll give you Paw-paw and Chin Chin's room. We'd love to have you.

LULU

Wow, we would love to come. And I know Kirk would feel better being able to check up on the wood.

LORELAI

Kirk's lucky to have found you, Lulu. [Lulu giggles.]

SOOKIE

Oh, pretty garnish! That's some good mincing there. Just enough walnut. Is that fish done? It should be done. Perfect.

LORELAI

Ooh, man, it smells great in here.

SOOKIE

This is the best kitchen staff I've ever had, ever! I don't know how we got them, but they're amazing! I got to show you this mincing. Seriously...

LORELAI

No, no, no, no. I believe you. They seem terrific. But, um, Sookie, so there are seven workers in here, and we're only budgeted for five.

SOOKIE

I know.

LORELAI

[ Chuckles ] That's a problem.

SOOKIE

Yes. See, I hired seven, figuring that at least two would crap out, and then we'd have five.

LORELAI

And?

SOOKIE

And none did.

LORELAI

So what do we do?

SOOKIE

I don't know.

LORELAI

Well, maybe the test run will break a couple of them, but if no one quits, honey, you got to fire two of them.

MICHEL

[Sighs] There are all sorts of chromosomes missing from that man.

LORELAI

Put Kirk and Lulu in room four.

MICHEL

You cut me.

LORELAI

Okay, so is that it for the rooms?

MICHEL

Basically, yes. You and Rory in six, Luke in seven.

LORELAI

Luke?

MICHEL

Yes, Luke

LORELAI

Oh! So is he coming? Luke's coming?

MICHEL

Is he not supposed to?

LORELAI

No, no, of course he was. I mean, he was invited quite a while ago...before anything happened. [Michel stares dumbfounded] I mean, I didn't know he was coming, that's all. Okay, so good. Luke's in room seven. Lucky number seven. Not that it's lucky for Luke, 'cause I don't know what's lucky for Luke, okay?

SOOKIE

Look at how he chopped these onions. I just want to shove a string through them and wear them around my neck!

MICHEL

That wouldn't be at all eccentric.

LORELAI

Oh! Oh, honey, come here. [Lorelai embraces Sookie.]

SOOKIE

What? [Lorelai chuckles.] What is that for?

LORELAI

In all the craziness, I completely forgot that today is your wedding anniversary.

SOOKIE

Oh, my god! [dashes off]

RORY

Where'd he go?

LANE

I don't know.

RORY

What do I do?

LANE

I don't know!

RORY

Did I lose?

LANE

Well, you have no head, so probably.

RORY

So this is what teenage boys are doing instead of watching television?

LANE

Apparently.

RORY

Seems like a lateral move.

LANE

Hey, you hungry?

RORY

I'm starving.

LANE

Well, your timing is perfect, 'cause I went to the store yesterday.

RORY

Are you kidding me? You just got away from the floorboard life.

LANE

Boys will eat everything. I bought vanilla-almond body lotion the other day.

RORY

No.

LANE

On chips -- mine, by the way.

RORY

So, Jess came by to see me.

LANE

You've been here 20 minutes, and you drop this now?

RORY

He just showed up at my dorm on Saturday night.

LANE

Why? What did he say?

RORY

Well -

LANE

Wait! [pulls out chip and poises to listen] [ Sighs ] Go.

RORY

I got home from this awful setup.

LANE

The guy your grandmother brought by?

RORY

That's the one.

LANE

He was that bad?

RORY

James Spader in "Pretty in Pink."

LANE

You could have just stopped at "James Spader."

RORY

Anyway, I left the pub, got back to my dorm, and Jess was there.

LANE

What did he want?

RORY

He wanted me to come away with him.

LANE

Oh, my God! What did you say?

RORY

I said -- I don't know. It was so weird. He was just... Jess. I mean, he shows up out of no where with this crazy proposal. It was awful.

LANE

It doesn't sound awful.

RORY

What are you talking about? Jess bailed on me twice.

LANE

I know, but how incredibly romantic to have this guy show up out of the blue and want to take you away with him.

RORY

When I first met Jess, I thought, "What could be better than this? He's smart, good taste in books and music, so cute." But Jess is great one minute and then the next - you know, as far as I know, I could have said yes, packed my bag, and by the time I got to the car, he would have changed his mind.

LANE

It's part of why he's cute. He's unpredictable.

RORY

I guess. You know, when I was with Dean, I always knew that no matter what happened, he would be there.

LANE

Dean was very dependable.

RORY

It was more than that. He's -- well, he was so... um, I was safe, and he was so nice to me.

LANE

He really loved you.

RORY

I think I really blew it there, you know? I didn't appreciate it.

LANE

Every girl has to fall for a bad boy. It's the rule. It's the reason so many accountants eventually get married.

TROUBADOUR

[singing] Hey, she's a piratey soul, full of vinegar and glitter, she is a song of her own, from down the wrong end of the river, wild like the lily-a-passion, have you ever had the honors - oh, no, no, no, no, no way

RORY

Hi.

RORY

I can't believe you didn't wake me up.

LORELAI

Me and what army?

RORY

I only have so much time off. I don't want to waste it all sleeping till noon.

LORELAI

There was no waking you up. You were completely out of it. We're talking Farrah on "Letterman." Hey.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Luke is coming over here. I want you to pay very close attention.

RORY

To what?

LORELAI

Shh.

LUKE

Coffee?

LORELAI

Oh, sure, coffee would be great. Coffee, hon? Yeah, she'll have coffee.

LUKE

Okay. You want a minute?

LORELAI

Yes, a minute would be great.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

Well?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

You notice anything?

RORY

Anything?

LORELAI

Anything weird, anything different?

RORY

About Luke?

LORELAI

Of course about Luke. Did you notice anything different?

RORY

Like what?

LORELAI

Like a vibe, an attitude. Did he look at me differently?

RORY

Differently than what?

LORELAI

Differently than he did.

RORY

Differently than he did when?

LORELAI

Before.

RORY

Before what?

LORELAI

Before before. Rory!

RORY

How on earth can you be frustrated with me right now?

LORELAI

Fine. Come here.

RORY

What's your damage, Heather?

LORELAI

I think I'm dating Luke.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I'm not sure. It's just a possibility. I could be wrong.

RORY

But how? When?

LORELAI

I went with him to his sister's wedding, and it was really nice. We had a really good time. We laughed a lot, and we ate, and then we danced.

RORY

Danced? How?

LORELAI

We pop-locked.

RORY

Was it a fast dance, slow dance, group dance?

LORELAI

It was a slow dance. What is "group dance?"

RORY

The hustle, the hora.

LORELAI

No hustle, no hora. It was a slow dance -- a waltz. Luke can waltz.

RORY

Luke can waltz?!

LORELAI

Luke can waltz.

RORY

Look how you just said, "Luke can waltz."

LORELAI

What, I'm just saying, I'm surprised that Luke can waltz.

RORY

That sounded more like, "I'm surprised I still have my clothes on."

LORELAI

Oh, stop.

RORY

What else happened?

LORELAI

Nothing. We spent the evening together. We danced, he walked me home, then he asked me to a movie. All of these things individually do not add up to dating, but together, I don't know. And there was this moment, when he walked me home, where I thought -- I don't know.

RORY

Did you say yes?

LORELAI

When?

RORY

To the movie. Did you say yes?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

That sounds like dating to me.

LORELAI

But maybe he didn't mean it as a date thing. Maybe he just needed to get out of the house, and since I'm currently one of the women sitting home, thinking, "If I could only find a man like Aragorn," he picked me.

RORY

Okay, whoa, this is Luke.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

Our Luke -- the town Luke. We see him every day. He's a part of our lives.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

I mean, everyone will know. They'll know if you're together, they'll know if you're not together.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

You can't just date Luke. When you're with Luke, you are with Luke. And if it doesn't work out, it will be really bad for both of us. I mean, how do you feel about this? Do you want to be dating Luke?

LORELAI

Okay, we're getting ahead of ourselves here. I don't even know if this is what he's thinking. This could be a totally innocent situation, and then we've done all this what-iffing for nothing. Let's just go back in there and see if anything's weird, okay?

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Okay. [they re-enter diner]

LUKE

Is everything okay?

LORELAI

Yes. [nonchalantly leans against their table and tumbles entire contents making lots of noise]

LUKE

[unphased] I'll get the broom.

RORY

That was a little weird.

LORELAI

Two radish roses for a carrot curl?

RORY

Deal.

EMILY

You're trading garnish?

LORELAI

Yes, but only 'cause the dinner's gross.

EMILY

Very nice.

LORELAI

I don't like rabbit.

EMILY

How convenient. You're not eating rabbit.

LORELAI

But this is rabbit sauce.

RICHARD

It is rabbit sauce.

EMILY

It is not rabbit sauce. Do not tell her that it's rabbit sauce.

RICHARD

It tastes like rabbit sauce to me.

EMILY

That just goes to show how much attention you give to meals that are prepared for you.

LORELAI

If it isn't rabbit, then what is it?

EMILY

It's duck.

LORELAI

Oh, well, where's that carrot curl?

RORY

I haven't seen a radish rose.

EMILY

Never mind. Don't eat it. Sriva, come get the plates. We're done.

RICHARD

Not everyone is done.

EMILY

Just bring out the dessert, please. So, Rory, I was thinking maybe we should go away this summer, just you and me. You should do Europe right at least once in your life, and this seems like the perfect time.

RORY

Oh, well, Grandma, I don't really know what I'm doing this summer yet, but that sounds really nice.

LORELAI

And really out of the blue.

RICHARD

I agree.

LORELAI

Were you going mention this to me?

EMILY

I just did.

LORELAI

No, before you opened the peanuts.

EMILY

Plans aren't made, Lorelai. It was just an idea. If Rory doesn't want to go, then Rory doesn't have to go.

RORY

Rory didn't say she didn't want to go.

LORELAI

That's right, Rory's mother was just marveling at the "hey, look over here" approach to the invitation. [She notices Richard frowning and looking impatient.] You okay, dad?

RICHARD

I'm fine. When is dessert? I have work to do.

EMILY

It's coming as quickly as the woman can spoon fruit over ice cream.

RICHARD

Well, clearly, she has carpal tunnel or some other modern disease which is slowing her down.

EMILY

If she's going too slow for you, why don't you just go into the kitchen and give her a hand?

LORELAI

I forgot to mention, we're doing a test run at the inn this weekend.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Yeah, We're inviting all our friends to spend the weekend, just to make sure we're ready to open.

RICHARD

Well, that sounds sensible.

LORELAI

Hey, you know what would be great? If the two of you came.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

For the weekend.

EMILY

Oh.

RICHARD

Well...

LORELAI

I mean, I've been working toward this goal for, my God, what is it, Rory, now, twenty years?

RORY

Twenty years.

LORELAI

Twenty years, wow. So basically, this is the biggest thing that's ever happened to me in my life, except for Rory being born, and I'm sure my parents wouldn't want to miss it. I mean, unless there's some specific reason why you guys can't come, both of you together. No? Okay, good, so you'll be there. Fantastic. Isn't that great, Rory? Grandma and Grandpa are coming to the test run together.

RICHARD

Lorelai -

LORELAI

Dad, seriously, you have no idea how much this means to me.

EMILY

We wouldn't miss it for the world.

RORY

So, inviting them to stay in the inn is going to do what?

LORELAI

I'm not inviting them to stay in the inn. I'm inviting them to stay in the bungalow 150 feet away from the inn.

RORY

Diabolical.

LORELAI

I'm going to lock those two in a room, and they are either coming out reconciled or in a body bag. Believe you me, I'm fine either way.

RORY

Well, look who died and made you Hayley Mills.

LUKE

Hey Kirk, just sit -

KIRK

We need to talk.

LUKE

Where are you going? Hey! [follows Kirk to back and into Luke's apartment] Get out of my apartment.

KIRK

This place is small. I always pictured you in a bigger place.

LUKE

Do me a favor and don't picture me in any place, okay, Kirk?

KIRK

You have nice windows, though. I don't have windows. My room at my mom's house used to be a bomb shelter. It's very cold but great for racquetball.

LUKE

Kirk, what do you want?

KIRK

I need to talk to you. You're the only one I can confide in.

LUKE

Oh, goody.

KIRK

Lorelai invited Lulu and me to the test run of the inn.

LUKE

Uh-huh.

KIRK

Lulu is very excited about the invitation. It's all she talks about -- a romantic weekend at the inn with me. [absently shuffles through Luke's mail - Luke slaps them from his hands and sets the letters aside] Anyhow, I'm a little concerned about this invitation, because Lulu and I have never spent the night together.

LUKE

Oh well, this is not a comfortable area for me.

KIRK

I mean, we've had sex -- lots and lots of sex.

LUKE

And this is even more uncomfortable.

KIRK

We just haven't actually spent the night together.

LUKE

Why not?

KIRK

I have night terrors.

LUKE

Night terrors?

KIRK

Basically, I freak out at beddy-bye. About an hour after I fall asleep, I wake up in panic. Everything around me seems threatening, scary, out to get me. Two nights ago, I was suddenly gripped with the overwhelming feeling that there was an assassin in my house.

LUKE

Jeez.

KIRK

I had to get out of the room before he got me, so I jumped out of bed and locked my pillow in the bathroom.

LUKE

Why?

KIRK

Because it was a bomb.

LUKE

Of course.

KIRK

After neutralizing my pillow, I ran up the stairs, climbed out the bathroom window, scaled the trellis up the side of the house, and hid on the roof...

LUKE

Huh.

KIRK

Completely naked.

LUKE

Aw, jeez!!

KIRK

The worst part of night terrors is it always ends up with me on top of the roof completely naked or running down the street completely naked or swimming in the community-center pool completely naked. That was the time I thought I was on fire.

LUKE

Kirk, that's terrible.

KIRK

Well, I'm used to it now, so it's kind of second nature to me, but Lulu -

LUKE

Right, Lulu.

KIRK

How is she going to take it? I mean, I could scare her or ninja-kick her and lock her up with a pillow. I think I love her, Luke, and I haven't even told her that I love her. I spelled it out in chocolate-covered Oreos once, but she was really hungry, and I'm not sure if she read it first. I can't assault her before I tell her I love her.

LUKE

What do you want me to do about it?

KIRK

I called the Dragonfly and had them put me and Lulu in the room right next to yours. That way, if you hear anything -- screaming or Russian -- you can come in and pull me off of Lulu.

LUKE

Oh.

KIRK

Unless, when you come in, it looks like you shouldn't pull me off of Lulu.

LUKE

Kirk.

KIRK

You can use your judgment on that one.

LUKE

Kirk, I-I don't know about this.

KIRK

Please! This weekend means so much to her. I can't tell her we're not going.

LUKE

[ long suffering sigh ] Fine.

KIRK

Thank you, Luke, thank you. Remember, anything weird, just jump on in.

LUKE

I got it, Kirk. [walks Kirk to door]

KIRK

Just don't touch my bottom, or I'll think you have a machete.

LUKE

If you want this to happen, do not use the word "bottom" with me again, Kirk.

KIRK

Right. See you later. Hey, Luke?

LUKE

What, Kirk?

KIRK

What kind of clothes are you bringing?

SOOKIE

My kitchen staff's great -- all seven of them!

RORY

Hang in there, Sookie.

SOOKIE

If only one would suck, maybe it would rub off on the rest.

RORY

Plenty of sucking potential still out there, have some faith.

LORELAI

[talking on walkie-talkie] Tom, where are my doors? They were supposed to be here by now.

TOM

[voice on walkie-talkie] Yeah, I know. They took a wrong turn and headed to Woodbridge.

LORELAI

What?

TOM

Relax, I'm trying to track them down.

LORELAI

Um, Tom, guests are showing up here any second. They have no doors. People will have to get very friendly very quickly.

TOM

I got the guy on the phone. I'll get right back to you.

LORELAI

Tom? Tom? [Chuckles to Rory] Hey, I've changed my mind. I want to be a ballerina.

RORY

Good timing.

SOOKIE

Okay. So, we don't have doors, and every single person I hired is fantastic. We're doomed.

MICHEL

[voice on walkie-talkie] The guests are arriving. I repeat, the guests are arriving.

LORELAI

No, Michel, we still don't have doors. Is there anything you can do to stall them?

MICHEL

No. I'm bringing them up now.

SOOKIE

Boy, if he was on my kitchen staff, we'd be home free by now.

TOM

[voice on walkie-talkie] I got 'em.

LORELAI

Doors? You got the doors?

TOM

They're on their way up. My guys will be standing by to get them on.

LORELAI

Tom, I'm loving you like a two dollar whore.

TOM

Terrific. I'll tell the wife.

LORELAI

Okay. Everybody, the doors are on the way, guests are coming. Everybody outside to greet them. It's showtime. Let's go! Okay, everyone, remember, these people are not our friends. They are customers. Just relax, don't rush, and don't kill anybody.

SOOKIE

Here they come! [three open trolleys arrive with guests]

MISS PATTY

Oh, look at that!

LORELAI

Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Dragonfly Inn.

MISS PATTY

Oh, will you look at this place!

BABETTE

It's a paradise. Oh, Lorelai, the babies that are going to be conceived on this property!

MISS PATTY

Oh, are those horses! Babette, look at the horses.

LORELAI

That's Cletus and Desdemona, and if anyone would like to go for a ride, Michel can set it up for you. [Taylor approaches]

TAYLOR

The ride up here was very dusty, Lorelai. You should warn people not to wear their white pants upon arrival.

LORELAI

I will do that, Taylor.

TAYLOR

So, do I bring my own bags in or...?

LORELAI

No, you don't. Eric, Jeremy, Sam, these bags, please.

TAYLOR

The blue one has breakables.

TOM

Okay, they're unloading them in the back. I already sent Dean in to start putting them up.

LORELAI

Great. Thank you, Tom.

RORY

I'll be right back.

LORELAI

[calls to Rory as she runs off] Make sure the keys are ready. [as Kirk and Lulu approach] Well, hey there, you two! Good to see you!

LULU

I am so excited to be here. Thank you so much for the invitation.

LORELAI

You're welcome. Have a good time.

LULU

Oh, horses. [wanders off to look closer]

KIRK

Is Luke here yet?

LORELAI

No, he's not, Kirk.

KIRK

But he's coming, right? He'll be here before I go to sleep?

LORELAI

I have no idea, Kirk. Why?

KIRK

It's a guy thing.

RORY

Hi.

DEAN

[Breathing heavily - sets down door] Hey. [shifts uncomfortably] I have to get this upstairs.

RORY

Can't we talk?

DEAN

What about?

RORY

He didn't stay.

DEAN

Yeah. I don't care.

RORY

I told him to go. He went. He's gone.

DEAN

Well, great.

RORY

Why are you so mad?

DEAN

I'm not mad. I'm working.

RORY

I left you three messages. You didn't answer any of them. You blew me off at Luke's today. You won't look me in the eye.

DEAN

[ Sighs ] I have to go.

RORY

I told him to leave.

DEAN

You told me to leave, also.

RORY

I told you to leave so I could tell him to leave.

DEAN

That makes sense.

RORY

It does make sense, Dean. I didn't ask him to come. I did ask you to come, remember?

DEAN

I know. I just -

RORY

What -- why are you so mad?

DEAN

I thought you were back with him or something.

RORY

No, I'm not back with him.

DEAN

I thought you were.

RORY

Well, I'm not. But even if I was back with him, why would it bother you so much?

DEAN

I don't like him.

RORY

Okay.

DEAN

And I...I don't want you with him.

RORY

Right. Because he doesn't treat me right, right?

DEAN

Right. [leans in a little]

RORY

And you wouldn't want me to be with someone who doesn't treat me right, because... you're my friend, right?

DEAN

Right... I'm your friend. [leans closer to Rory]

TOM

Dean! How we doing with those doors? [They jump apart.]

DEAN

W-we're doing fine, Tom. [resumes carrying door]

LORELAI

there you go, Freddy, you're in room nine. Just follow your door.

MISS PATTY

Oh, honey, this place is spectacular.

LORELAI

Thanks, Patty. You're in room one. I hope you like it.

MISS PATTY

Oh, I just know everything's going to be perfect. There is nothing that you could do that I wouldn't love.

LORELAI

No, that is not the point here. This is a test run. We need to work out all the kinks this weekend so they don't happen again, so we're depending on your feedback, and especially your criticism.

MISS PATTY

All right, I promise to be a pain.

LORELAI

I appreciate that. Just follow your door to your room.

MISS PATTY

Oh. [Chuckles - eyes light up when she sees the young man with her door] After you, sweetheart.

TAYLOR

Well, you can count on me for my feedback, Lorelai. I promise you that. In fact, I've already got fourteen complaints written down.

LORELAI

Oh!

TAYLOR

Most of them are small infractions, but it's the little things -- the details -- that distinguish the Barbra Streisands from the Roslyn Kinds.

LORELAI

Absolutely, Taylor.

TAYLOR

I even took it upon myself to bring my own comment cards just in case you didn't think to supply them.

LORELAI

Well, we did supply comment cards, but I'm sure yours are even better.

TAYLOR

That was a very polite response. I'm writing that down.

KIRK

Excuse me, I need some stuff taken out of my room.

MICHEL

What stuff?

KIRK

The lamp, the bronze bookends, the books, the shoehorns, the sewing kit. Are the paintings bolted to the walls?

MICHEL

Yes.

KIRK

Well, bring some pliers in case simple yanking doesn't do it.

MICHEL

I am not yanking the pictures off the wall.

KIRK

Well, apparently, you've never been in love.

LORELAI

There you go, room eight. [hands keys to two men] Just follow your door. [Rory approaches] Hey, you know, this door thing is actually pretty fun.

RORY

Michel said to fill in for him. Kirk has him taking the light bulbs out of all the sconces.

LOREALI

Oh, Mom, Dad! Look, Rory, there are your grandparents and everything they own.

EMILY

You didn't tell us what attire was required, so I had to pack everything.

RORY

Hi, Grandma. Hi, Grandpa. We're so glad you could come.

RICHARD

We're delighted to be here. May we have our key? I'm tired from the drive.

LORELAI

It takes twenty minutes to get here.

RICHARD

It felt longer.

EMILY

Which way do we go, upstairs?

LORELAI

No, mom, you and dad aren't upstairs. You're in our nicest room. Guys, will you take my parents to room twelve? The boys will take you there.

EMILY

Where are they going?

LORELAI

Just follow them, Mom.

EMILY

They're heading outside.

LORELAI

Yes. Your room has its own entrance for privacy.

EMILY

Oh. Well, fine. We'll see you later, Rory.

RORY

Bye. [Emily and Richard leave] You are the bad seed.

LORELAI

"I have the prettiest mother. Everybody thinks so." [strokes Rory's cheek while speaking in odd voice]

LORELAI

Hey, hi. You came.

LUKE

Sure. I RSVP'd.

LORELAI

Oh.

LUKE

Here, these are for you -- a little congratulations. [hands Lorelai the flowers]

LORELAI

Oh, my God, they're beautiful. Thank you. [flustered] I was - um...well, okay, so, we should get you all, uh, checked in. And that's...over there.

LUKE

[ Chuckles ] You okay?

LORELAI

Oh, God, yeah. Me? I'm totally fine. [turns toward the front desk and hits face into a door as man walks by] Oh!

LUKE

Lorelai!

LORELAI

[hits head again] Oh, God. Um, [Chuckles] I'm fine. No problem. [squinting in pain] Um, that was your door, so you could just follow that on up...and we'll see you at dinner. Rory? [beckons Rory to bring key]

LUKE

Are you sure you're okay?

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine It's like the third time I did that today. It's a bit. . [Rory approaches and hands Luke his key] We're going to be the comedy inn. We finally found our theme. So, you got your key, and, uh, b-b-bye. [Luke exits up the stairs. Rory stares at Lorelai strangely.] I've locked you in before, and I will do it again. [Giggles and smells the flowers.]

LORELAI

[approaches Rory and Jackson's table] Hey, how it going?

RORY

It's going very well.

JACKSON

Very, very well.

LORELAI

[ Chuckles ] Oh, Jackson, I love the shirt.

JACKSON

Isn't it great? It's an anniversary gift from Sookie.

RORY

Sweet, huh?

LORELAI

These two kids.

JACKSON

I got to tell you, I was completely surprised. I figured, with the test run and everything, she'd be way too busy to remember.

LORELAI

Aw, What are you talking about, Sookie could never forget her mushroom man.

JACKSON

I'd love her to forget that nickname though.

RORY

The food's great, mom.

JACKSON

Yes, it is great.

RORY

Although I admit, I know the chef, so I'm a little biased.

JACKSON

You're a little biased. I'm sleeping with her.

RORY

You also grew the vegetables.

JACKSON

Oh, I did. I can't be trusted at all. [Tom walks past]

LORELAI

Wow Tom, I have never seen you in a suit before!

TOM

Really? 'Cause I'm more a suit guy than anything else.

LORELAI

Hmm. [leans back toward Rory] I'm going to make the rounds.

RORY

We'll be here. [Lorelai approaches table with Babette, Luke, and Miss Patty seated. Babette and Miss Patty are wearing fluffy hotel robes, Luke stares uncomfortably at his meal]

LORELAI

Hi, how is everything this evening?

BABETTE

Oh, my god, these robes!

MISS PATTY

What are they made of? 'Cause I am never getting dressed again.

LORELAI

[to Luke] How are you doing?

LUKE

I'm just staring at my plate.

BABETTE

He's shy. My bathrobe slipped earlier, and his poor little heart couldn't take it.

MISS PATTY

He's been staring at his salad ever since.

LUKE

I like salad. [Lorelai and Luke share a glance and a smile.]

BABETTE

Patty, you wanna try my fish?

MISS PATTY

Fish has too much mercury

BABETTE

For this fish, you'll eat the mercury

MISS PATTY

Oh yeah?

LORELAI

[ Chuckles ] Okay, well, you two go easy on him, now.

BABETTE

We'll try.

LORELAI

Oh! I'm sorry, Derek.

DEREK

You okay?

LORELAI

Well, there's a debate going on about that.

KIRK

We're all set up.

LUKE

Stop whispering in my ear, Kirk.

KIRK

I'm just saying...

LUKE

You're still doing it, Kirk. [Derek seats Kirk and Lulu at Taylor's table]

DEREK

Can I get you anything, Mr. Doose?

TAYLOR

Another pen would be nice.

DEREK

Do you have enough paper?

TAYLOR

Just the pen will be fine.

DEREK

Coming right up. [leaves]

SOOKIE

Hey, Taylor, how is he?

TAYLOR

Who?

SOOKIE

The kid, Derek. Is he rude, slow, stupid?

TAYLOR

No, actually, he's been an excellent waiter all evening.

SOOKIE

Crap. [Taylor looks puzzled]

LORELAI

Hey, I have no need of salad in my life ever, but this is amazing.

SOOKIE

He's great. [dejected tone] They're all great. What happened to the disenfranchised youth of America? Where did all these worker bees come from?

LORELAI

Cheer up, Sookie, the food's going over like gangbusters.

SOOKIE

Yeah.

MICHEL

I went to check on the backup generators. Everything is fine.

LORELAI

And the dinner's going great.

MICHEL

Everyone's settled, the doors are up.

SOOKIE

Everyone seems happy.

LORELAI

They do, don't they? ...This is gonna work. [They all grin]

LORELAI

[dumbfounded] Uh, w-what are you doing here?

JASON

The place looks great.

LORELAI

Thank you. What are you doing here?

JASON

We need to talk.

LORELAI

Not now we don't.

JASON

I stayed away, I gave you space.

LORELAI

You gave me space? We broke up.

JASON

I didn't look at it that way. I looked at it as a cooling-off period.

LORELAI

How very revisionist of you. Jason, I'm working.

JASON

Ten minutes.

LORELAI

No!

JASON

Lorelai, we were doing great.

LORELAI

Until you decided to sue my father, yeah, we rocked. Thank you. Goodbye.

JASON

I am not leaving.

LORELAI

Jason, please, I have an inn full of people here.

JASON

Okay, um, one room, please.

LORELAI

What?

JASON

I would like a room. How much is a room?

LORELAI

No, no. Jason, you can't stay here. Every room is taken. Please go. I will call you on Monday.

JASON

I can't wait until Monday. It gives you too much time to talk yourself out of trying again.

LORELAI

First I would have to talk myself into trying again, so let's make it Tuesday.

JASON

I'll wait till you're done.

LORELAI

I'm not going to be done for two days.

JASON

I'll wait till you take a break.

LORELAI

I will not have a break for two days.

JASON

This is a terrible job. I would like a word with your boss. Who is above you?

LOREALI

Jason, I can't do this.

JASON

Lorelai, I've been sitting in my apartment for two weeks staring at a dead plant that you gave me. Now I know we can work this out. I am not leaving until we do.

LORELAI

Oh, boy.

JASON

Just go about your business, and when you're ready to talk, I will be here. [sits down in lobby chair - picks up book on table] Oh, look, "Above Connecticut." I've been looking for that.

LORELAI

Well... [moves off through dining room, where desert and coffee is being served. ]

LULU

Hey, Kirk, I'm getting tired.

KIRK

You are?

LULU

Would you mind if we went to bed?

KIRK

Uh, no, that's fine. You're tired. So, then...[Shouting] Let's go upstairs and go to bed!

LULU

Okay. Good night, everyone.

KIRK

I'm right behind you. [lingers by Luke's table and jerks head, motioning to Luke]

BABETTE

I think Kirk wants you to go upstairs and make love to him.

LUKE

Will you just roll? [Babette shakes dice for Yahtzee]

LORELAI

[ Sighs ] Hey, how's it going here?

TOM

She's letting me win. It's very annoying.

RORY

How's it going with you?

LORELAI

Well, we locked the kitchen crew in with Michel for twenty minutes, and it backfired a little. Six of them quit, and we have to start hiring again tomorrow. When you're done, would you run home and grab some CDs? I totally forgot to have them in case one of the guests wants to play something in their room.

RORY

Sure, no problem. Hey, you do notice that Jason's sitting in the other room, right?

LORELAI

Yeah, I'm handling it

RORY

Okay. [Lorelai exits the dining area while Luke looks on with some concern.]

LORELAI

Here. [hands Jason plate of hot food]

JASON

What's this?

LORELAI

You've been sitting there all night. You must be hungry. Eat something.

JASON

Thanks. Here, sit and have dinner with me.

LORELAI

Oh, Jason.

JASON

I'll feed you. It'll be adorable.

LORELAI

How much longer are you going to stay?

JASON

Just long enough to fix everything that went wrong between us. Luckily, I'm currently unemployed. I have plenty of time. [Luke watches from a distance in dining room]

LORELAI

You're very stubborn.

JASON

I just refuse to lose the things that are important to me. [Lorelai sighs.]

BABETTE

Full house! Oh, my God, I'm kicking your ass!

LUKE

Hey, Babette, who's that?

BABETTE

Who's what? Oh, that's Jason Stiles. He was Lorelai's boyfriend for the last six months.

LUKE

Oh, yeah?

BABETTE

Yeah. Not exactly who I pictured her with, but he does have a very nice car. Anyhow, they were hiding their relationship from her parents, 'cause Jason was her father's business partner. Well, of course, the parents found out about it, and all hell broke loose. Jason wound up suing Lorelai's father.

LUKE

They still together?

BABETTE

I don't know. I thought they broke up, but he's here, so maybe. I could ask Patty for you if you want. Sometimes she gets the news first, 'cause her phone line picks up other people's conversations -- something about proximity to the power lines. I'll tell ya, location, location, location. [Luke continues to watch Lorelai and Jason]

LORELAI

I have to get back to work.

JASON

Go, work. I'm fine. I'm comfortable. I have food, Sookie brought me wine, and I've moved on to "Gnomes of the West."

LORELAI

I'll have someone bring you out some dessert. [Lorelai walks toward front desk]

EMILY

Lorelai Gilmore, why would you do that?!

LORELAI

Do what?

EMILY

You stuck your father and me out in that Godforsaken cabin!

LORELAI

It's the honeymoon suite.

EMILY

One room, no access to the main building, pitch-black at night.

LORELAI

It's romantic.

EMILY

No television, no radio.

LORELAI

Actually there is a television. It's in the cabinet behind--

EMILY

And then the room service.

LORELAI

Roast beef and champagne.

EMILY

The one chance to get out of there, away from each other, and you yank it away!

LORELAI

Why would you want to get away from each other, Mom? Are you and Dad fighting?

EMILY

Stop it! You know! You know your father and I are separated, and you brought us out here and stuck us in the woods to stare at each other for 48 hours!

LORELAI

What was I supposed to do? You weren't saying anything, Dad wasn't saying anything.

EMILY

Of all the cruel, insensitive -

LORELAI

How was I supposed to know I was supposed to know?

EMILY

You did know!

LORELAI

But you didn't want me to know.

EMILY

Of course I didn't want you to know.

LORELAI

Exactly.

EMILY

Exactly what?

LORELAI

You didn't want me to know, so I didn't know, and now you're mad I didn't know?

EMILY

Because you did know!

LORELAI

But I wasn't supposed to know, so I acted like I didn't know!

EMILY

And then you forced your father and me to come here tonight under pretense of family obligation.

LORELAI

Well, hello, that's the Gilmore way.

EMILY

I won't stay out in that cabin one more second. I demand a room in here.

LORELAI

We don't have any rooms in here, Mom. They're all taken.

EMILY

Then bump someone.

LORELAI

Can't you and Dad just talk about it?

EMILY

No, you stop it right now! This is none of your business.

LORELAI

What happened? Was it Floyd's lawsuit?

EMILY

Lorelai, just give me a room.

LORELAI

I don't have a room, Mom.

EMILY

You don't have a room for your mother?

LORELAI

I have a room for my mother. It's the room my mother's in.

EMILY

That's not a room. That's a practical joke.

LORELAI

No, it was a chance for you and Dad to do something special.

EMILY

Fine. If you won't find me another room, then I'll just sit in there until tomorrow. [She walks into seating area of the lobby.] Jason.

JASON

Emily.

EMILY

Do you have a room?

LORELAI

No, Mom, he doesn't. He just showed up here, because, apparently, it's Blake Edwards night at the dragonfly.

RICHARD

Emily. [sees Jason] Jason?

JASON

Richard.

EMILY

He has a room.

RICHARD

Are you trying to kill us?

LORELAI

[exasperated] Oh, my god.

RICHARD

I packed our things. I think it's time to go. [Emily leaves.] I hope you've had your fun.

LOREALI

Oh, yeah, it's been a blast.

JASON

Can I get their room? [Lorelai narrows her eyes and leaves.]

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

How'd you know I was here?

DEAN

Your mom said she sent you on an errand.

RORY

Ah, you went right to the source.

DEAN

[ Chuckles ] Can I -

RORY

Sure.

DEAN

Thanks.

RORY

I'm just trying to find some CDs for the Dragonfly.

DEAN

I hear Taylor's a big hip-hop fan.

RORY

Oh, he hops with the hippest of them.

DEAN

Your room looks the same.

RORY

Yeah, I tried that whole French revival thing, but it didn't really work for me.

DEAN

So, um, is it weird being back at home after being away for a while?

RORY

No, it feels completely normal.

DEAN

So, um [Chuckles] Today...

RORY

Yes, today.

DEAN

An interesting day.

RORY

I'd authorize a case study if I could.

DEAN

You know, I could be wrong, but somehow I had a feeling that maybe if Tom hadn't have come in when he did -

RORY

Dean?

DEAN

Yeah?

RORY

Lindsay.

DEAN

It's not working with Lindsay. I can't make it work. I've tried.

RORY

Are you sure? Because I've heard that the first two years of marriage are the hardest.

DEAN

We're not happy. She's not happy, and I can't make her happy.

RORY

I can't imagine that.

DEAN

It was a mistake, and I know that now. From the very beginning, it wasn't -

RORY

Wasn't what?

DEAN

It wasn't...

RORY

Maybe you could, um, go see a counselor or go away together.

DEAN

No, it's just -- it's over. We both feel it. I know we both feel it.

RORY

You and Lindsay?

DEAN

Yeah, me and Lindsay.

RORY

You both feel it's over?

DEAN

I tried. We tried.

RORY

Well, if it's over, I'm sorry.

DEAN

You are?

RORY

I'm sorry you're not happy.

DEAN

I'll be happy again. Things happen for a reason, right? [moves closer]

RORY

Right. I can't believe this is -- that we're... [moving closer]

DEAN

I can... [They kiss. Dean slowly lowers Rory to her bed.]

LUKE

Hey. How you doing? [approaches]

JASON

Good.

LUKE

Good. Luke Danes. [offers hand shake]

JASON

Jason Stiles. [takes Luke's hand]

LUKE

So, I see you had the pot roast. [sits down in chair next to Jason]

JASON

Yeah.

LUKE

Good, huh?

JASON

Yeah, very good.

LUKE

All the food was great tonight. So, Jason Stiles, Jason Stiles. I'll tell ya, that name is familiar.

JASON

I'm a friend of Lorelai's.

LUKE

Yeah, me too. I own the diner in town.

JASON

Yeah, she's mentioned you.

LUKE

Has she? Well, it's nice to be mentioned. [chuckles ] So, uh, [clears throat] you know Lorelai from where?

JASON

Actually, we're dating.

LUKE

You're dating?

JASON

Going on six months.

LUKE

You're dating now?

JASON

Yeah.

LUKE

Oh sorry, my mistake. I thought you two had, uh -

JASON

well, we hit a rough patch, but we're working through it.

LUKE

Well, good for you.

JASON

when it's right, it's right, and Lorelai and I are right.

LUKE

That's great. I'm very happy for you.

JASON

Thanks. Hey, you have any idea where the men's room is?

LUKE

It's back through the dining room.

JASON

Thanks, it was nice meeting you.

LUKE

Sure, you too.

LORELAI

Hey. The last one up?

LUKE

No, not the last one.

LORELAI

[ Chuckles ] You okay? I heard Babette was kicking your butt at Yahtzee.

LUKE

Actually, I'm feeling pretty stupid right now.

LORELAI

Why?

LUKE

I'm not a mysterious man, am I?

LORELAI

Well, the wardrobe's a bit of a head scratcher.

LUKE

I think I've been very, very clear with my intentions -

LORELAI

Your...

LUKE

You know, the wedding, the movie invite, the flowers.

LORELAI

[ Chuckles ] Luke -

LUKE

You knew what I was doing!

LORELAI

Well, no, not officially.

LUKE

Not officially? Oh, come on. I mean, I didn't have a ref present, but other than that.

LORELAI

Well, you didn't say anything official.

LUKE

What was I supposed to say? I did things. I let my actions speak. That's what you're supposed to do. Your supposed to let your actions speak. That's the romantic way to do this, damn it.

LORELAI

Okay, you're right. I'm sorry.

LUKE

And you went along with all of it. So naturally, I assumed we were on the same page, and then your boyfriend shows up here at the inn that I invested in.

LORELAI

Whoa, what boyfriend? Are you talking about Jason?

LUKE

No, Tom. Yes, Jason.

LORELAI

You guys were talking? What did he say?

LUKE

He said you were together. I mean, I was sitting there listening to this guy spout on and on about how it's right, you're right, he's right. The whole time, I'm thinking, "What the hell have I been doing all this for? She's taken." [Storms out the front door - Lorelai follows]

LORELAI

I -- I'm not taken! We broke up!

LUKE

Well, he doesn't know that!

LORELAI

Well, just calm down!

LUKE

Aw, I don't want to calm down! I did everything right! I did exactly what the book said!

LORELAI

The book?!

LUKE

I thought we were on track, and now you're standing there looking at me like I'm crazy.

LORELAI

I'm not looking at you like you're crazy!

LUKE

You know the last time I bought flowers for someone? Never! That's when! Very easy stat to remember!

LORELAI

I loved the flowers!

LUKE

And then when I walked you home after the wedding, there was a moment. I thought there was a moment.

LORELAI

There was! There was a moment. [Luke gazes at Lorelai, then moves closer.]

LORELAI

What are you doing?

LUKE

Will you just stand still?

LUKE

What are you doing?

LORELAI

Will you just stand still?

KIRK

Aaaaah! [running down stairs, buck naked with only a pillow covering himself.] Aaah! Aaaah! [runs out the door in terror into the night] Aaaaah! Aaaah!

LUKE

I'll be right back. [Lorelai looks puzzled] I'll explain later. [runs after Kirk]

KIRK

Aaah! Aaah!

LORELAI

Rory! Oh, my God. You're missing everything. [runs up the stairs] Grab those CDs and head back to the inn before you miss the cross-dressing midgets. That's where the night is headed. Oh! Things are happening -- big things, wow things. I have so much to tell you. [descends the stairs with box of Band-aids] Let me just open with this little tidbit -- Kirk running naked through the square. Of course, with all my careful planning and preparation, I forgot to bring Band-aids and a camera. I have got to learn that, always, without fail, Kirk equals camera. [sees Rory standing alone in kitchen] Hey, what's going on?

RORY

Dean came over to borrow something. [Dean exits Rory's bedroom to join her in kitchen]

DEAN

Yeah. [ Clears throat ] Thanks.

RORY

You're welcome.

DEAN

So, um, I should go. Um...bye, Lorelai.

RORY

Bye, Dean. [the door closes] So, I'm almost done getting the CDs together. I picked a wide selection so we'd have choices, and then I picked a bunch that probably only you will like, but it's good to have options.

LORELAI

[sighs and looks at Rory's rumpled bed] So, what did he borrow?

RORY

I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about it first. I know I promised I would, but I swear, I didn't know that this was going to happen. I mean, I didn't know he was going to show up tonight, and it just happened. It's awful for you to find out like this, I know, but everything's okay. I'm okay, and we were, you know, safe. So all those Trojan man jokes all these years really apparently stuck. And I'm lucky, too, because Dean, he's -- well, aren't you glad that it happened with someone who's good and really loves me?

LORELAI

But he's married.

RORY

You don't understand the situation.

LORELAI

Is he still married?

RORY

Yes, but -

LORELAI

Then I understand the situation.

RORY

It's not working out between them. They're not happy.

LORELAI

Oh, Rory.

RORY

He tried the best he could, but it didn't work. It's over.

LORELAI

[ Sighs ] He told you that?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

He told you he's leaving her?

RORY

Well -

LORELAI

He told you he's moving out, they're getting divorced, he's got a lawyer, they've divided up the monster-truck season tickets?

RORY

We didn't get around to discussing everything.

LORELAI

You didn't get around to discussing everything?

RORY

It was a crazy night.

LORELAI

You, of all people -- the girl who thinks everything through, the list maker -- you didn't bother to discuss those things before jumping into bed with a married guy?

RORY

He's not a married guy. He's Dean -- my Dean.

LORELAI

He's not your Dean. He's Lindsay's Dean. You're the other woman.

RORY

I told you, it's over.

LORELAI

It's not over until he's out of the house with the ring off.

RORY

He took the ring off.

LORELAI

Oh, my God, I don't believe this.

RORY

He's in love with me, not Lindsay.

LORELAI

Does Lindsay know that?

RORY

She's not good for him, okay? She lets him quit school and work himself to death and -

LORELAI

No, Rory, uh-uh, you can't be one of those girls who blames the wife for forcing the husband to cheat.

RORY

He wasn't cheating.

LORELAI

He was cheating, Rory. He was cheating, and you were cheating with him. There's no other way to spin that, kid.

RORY

I'm not spinning it, and I'm not a kid. I'm 19.

LORELAI

This is your first time. It's just not the way your first time was supposed to be.

RORY

Oh, and how was my first time supposed to be?

LORELAI

Well, first of all, it was supposed to be in a retirement home. And secondly, ideally, it was supposed to be with someone single.

RORY

My first time was with someone sweet and kind who loves me.

LORELAI

I didn't raise you to be like this. I didn't raise you to be the kind of girl who sleeps with someone else's husband.

RORY

You slept with dad when he was with Sherry.

LORELAI

He wasn't married to Sherry.

RORY

He was engaged, and she was pregnant.

LORELAI

So, this is all my fault? I set one crappy example for you, and you have no choice but to follow in my footsteps? [Rory turns and walks away.] Rory, what are you going to do now? Huh? Is there a plan?

RORY

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

LORELAI

I just want what's best for you, that's all!

RORY

I don't want to talk about it!

LOREALI

I just don't want you to get hurt, Rory. What if he doesn't leave her? Now you're all emotionally involved.

RORY

You're just mad because I didn't come running to you to discuss whether or not I was ready for this step. I decided it on my own.

LOREALI

Well, obviously, you weren't ready for this step. The very fact that you chose another girl's guy to sleep with proves that!

RORY

He was my boyfriend first!

LOREALI

But you dumped him! You rejected him! You picked someone else!

RORY

Stop it! [walks away]

LORELAI

Rory!

RORY

I hate you for ruining this for me! [Walks out front door and pulls on sweater. Dials a number on her cell phone]

LINDSAY

[answering phone] Hello? Hello? Hello?