T5E1: “Say Goodbye to Daisy Miller”

DEAN

[OS] I love you, Rory.

RORY

[OS] I love you, too, Dean.

RORY

Are you comfortable? Am I killing your arm?

DEAN

My arm is fine.

RORY

I could move.

DEAN

Don't you dare move.

RORY

This right here, is -- the textbook definition of a perfect moment.

DEAN

Yeah, it is.

RORY

And earlier? [pause]

DEAN

That was pretty perfect too. However, as a guy, I was trying not to be a pig. [kisses her shoulder gently]

RORY

And I'm happy, are you happy?

DEAN

I'm very happy.

RORY

[smiling] Happy, but not chatty?

DEAN

I'm just... trying to make sure that all this is really happening.

RORY

It is. [they kiss] Hey, you know what I think we need?

DEAN

What?

RORY

A song. Like a song that's "our song".

DEAN

Okay.

RORY

Something romantic, but not mushy, something that will make us remember this.

DEAN

[chuckle] Ah, believe me, I'm remembering this.

RORY

Oh, I know. [She reaches over to the nightstand and loads a nearby CD into her player and turns it on.] Okay. Perfect. So, from now on, no matter what you're doing, where you are, you'll stop and think of me when you hear this [clicks remote on. Sammy Davis Jr.'s "The Candy Man" plays.]

DEAN

[laughs] That's not gonna be our song.

RORY

Why not? It's perfect. It's happy. It's hopeful. It has the word 'candy' in it. Hey, what is more hot than candy?

DEAN

Pick something else.

RORY

[She bobs to the music beat and repeats the lyric in a high squeaky voice] "Who can take the sunrise... sprinkle it with dew"

DEAN

Okay, okay, okay, okay. I'll pick something else. [He struggles to snatch the remote from her.]

RORY

No.

DEAN

Hand it over, I can't take it anymore.

RORY

This is what happens when the women get the remote, ah-ha!

DEAN

What was that? [door closes]

LORELAI

[OS] Rory!

LORELAI

Hey, what's going on?

RORY

[smoothing her hair] Dean came over to borrow something.

DEAN

Yeah, thanks.

RORY

You're welcome.

DEAN

Well, ah, I should go... bye, Lorelai.

RORY

Bye, Dean.

LORELAI

[OS] So, what did he borrow?

RORY

[OS] I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about it first. I - I know I promised I would, but I swear, I didn't know that this was going to happen. I mean, I didn't know he was going to show up tonight, and it just happened. It's awful for you to find out like this, I know, but everything's okay. I'm okay, and we were, you know, safe - so all those Trojan Man jokes all these years really apparently stuck. And I'm lucky, too, because Dean, he's -- well, aren't you glad that it happened with someone who's good and really loves me?

LORELAI

[OS] He's married.

RORY

[OS] You don't understand the situation.

LORELAI

[OS] Is he still married?

RORY

[OS] Yes, but -

LORELAI

[OS] Then I understand the situation.

LORELAI

[OS] I just want what's best for you, that's all!

RORY

[OS] You're just mad because I didn't come running to you to discuss whether or not I was ready for this step. I decided it on my own.

LORELAI

[OS voice fades as Dean exits] Obviously, you weren't ready for this step.

LINDSAY VOICE

[answering phone] Hello? Hello? Hello?

LORELAI

Hey. [Rory flinches from her touch] Let's just talk.

RORY

No. [She stands and stumbles back into the house. Lorelai looks grim.]

RICHARD

You do realize you just leapt out of a moving vehicle.

EMILY

Everything cannot be on your schedule, Richard. [shuffles through small drawers on the desktop] Now, where is it? I know I put it in here. [She picks up a small, thin blue booklet.] Aha!

RICHARD

In all the years we've been together, I have never seen you behave as irrationally as -- Emily, I'm talking to you! Will you stop? [Emily storms down the hallway, brushing aside a nearby potted palm tree frond] Emily, this feud of ours has now reached comical heights that... Charlie Chaplin, himself, would find hilarious, and he's dead.

EMILY

Don't follow me, Richard.

RICHARD

Oh, wait, come back. Let me get you a cane and a derby.

RICHARD

What are you doing?

EMILY

I'm looking for my European luggage, which some imbecile has chosen to hide from me.

RICHARD

What do you need your European luggage for?

EMILY

To put things in.

RICHARD

You're making a mess.

EMILY

I don't care if I'm making a mess.

RICHARD

Well, who's going to clean all this up, you?

EMILY

Yes, me, or the maid, or perhaps Pennilyn Lott could come by after one of your clandestine luncheons and take a stab at it.

RICHARD

Oh, for heaven's sakes. Not that again. She's just a friend!

EMILY

[provoking grin] I am going to Europe, Richard. I am going to Europe, and I'm going to have a marvelous time. I'm going to get up at 10:00, and I'm going to have two glasses of wine at lunch every single day.

RICHARD

Only prostitutes have two glasses of wine at lunch.

EMILY

Well, then buy me a boa and drive me to Reno because I am open for business.

RICHARD

I -- I can't talk to you when you're like this. I'm going to bed. [exits to stairs]

EMILY

You go to bed. I'll go to France.

EMILY

Richard! Richard! [pounds on the door] The door is stuck! Richard! This isn't funny!

EMILY

Richard? Richard!

RICHARD

[OS] Emily?

EMILY

You locked me in.

RICHARD

[OS] I did not lock you in.

EMILY

You certainly did lock me in.

RICHARD

[OS] The door must be jammed. Did you try jiggling the knob?

EMILY

I suppose I could do that, or you could just get the hell down here and let me out!

RICHARD

[OS] Give me a moment, please.

EMILY

If you don't come down here right now, I will climb out the window.

RICHARD

[OS] You will not climb out the window.

EMILY

I will. I will climb out the window right now.

RICHARD

[OS] Don't you dare.

EMILY

I'm doing it. I'm climbing out the window. [she begins crawling out the window]

RICHARD

[OS] You better not climb out the window.

EMILY

[skirt catches on a nail] Damn it.

RICHARD

[OS] Emily Gilmore, I better not catch you climbing out the window. [sounds of footsteps]

EMILY

[panics and unzips her skirt to break free] I'm out the window. I'm out the window.

RICHARD

[descends the stairs] Get down from there.

EMILY

No! [slips out the window in only her sweater and hose]

RICHARD

Emily, get back here. Emily! [snatches her empty skirt dangling from nail]

RICHARD

Are you having an aneurysm or something? Get inside and put this on.

EMILY

Get away from me!

RICHARD

Do you seriously think after 39 years of marriage, I would resort to locking you in a basement? [follows her to front of house]

EMILY

I don't know what you'd resort to. I don't know who you are at all.

RICHARD

I knew the mental illness in your family would catch up with you eventually.

EMILY

Aunt Cora was not mentally ill! She was athletic!

RICHARD

Oh, fine.

SECURITY OFFICER

Is there some sort of problem here, folks?

RICHARD

No. There's no problem.

SECURITY OFFICER

We got a call from some of your neighbors complaining about a disturbance.

RICHARD

We apologize. We're going inside right now.

EMILY

Do not tell me what to do.

SECURITY OFFICER

Can I have your security password, please?

RICHARD

[sarcasm] Look, it's getting late, so either shoot us or go away.

SECURITY OFFICER

Fine. We'll just write up a report here and be on our way.

EMILY

Are you happy, Richard? Now there's a report, and a report means we'll be in the police blotter. Petal Huffington reads the police blotter religiously. It's like heroin to her. You've turned us into the scandal of the neighborhood. [Officer exits.]

RICHARD

Do you know what, Emily? If nothing else, this display tonight demonstrates clearly that you are no longer the woman I married.

EMILY

The woman you married was your partner. You listened to her. You consulted with her. You respected her. So, you are right, Richard. I am definitely not the woman you married. [ Engine turns over as she exits to the house]

LORELAI

Oh, no.

LUKE

It's okay.

LORELAI

What happened?

LUKE

He landed butt first in Taylor's rose bushes.

LORELAI

Oh, poor thing!

LUKE

Didn't slow him down, though. I managed to tackle him as he headed toward the miniature goat pen, dragged him back here, threw one of your blankets over him, and, well, there he is -- he's gonna be fine.

LORELAI

Well, that's good.

LUKE

Yeah. So, you were gone for a while.

LORELAI

Yeah, I just had some things to take care of at home. Are you sure he can breathe?

LUKE

Oh, yeah, I propped his head up. ? [He notices she is distracted.] So, uh...you okay?

LORELAI

Yes, I'm fine.

LUKE

Okay, just -- nothing you want to talk about with -- with me or - ?

KIRK

Oh!

LORELAI

Oh my God. We need to take him upstairs.

KIRK

[still face down] LuLu can't see me like this.

LORELAI

But, Kirk --

KIRK

[hysterical] LuLu can't see me like this!!

LORELAI

Okay, she won't. I promise. Can I take a look?

KIRK

[quickly responds] Okay.

LORELAI

I don't want to take a look.

LUKE

Well, I'm not looking.

SOOKIE

Hey! It's a party. What's everybody doing up?

LORELAI

Aw, hey, good timing, Squiggy.

SOOKIE

I was just going to check on my loaves and make sure they're rising properly. The air's a little more humid than I thought it was going to be, and if the loaves aren't rising properly, then -- what are you doing? [They both pull Sookie closer to the sofa]

LORELAI

We need you to look at Kirk's butt.

SOOKIE

Why?

LORELAI

Well, because he ran into some rose bushes, and he's got some thorns stuck in it, and I thought of you.

SOOKIE

Me? Why me?

LORELAI

Well, because... you're a chef.

SOOKIE

What?

LUKE

And you have a kid.

LORELAI

Yes, that's better. You have a kid.

LUKE

Neither of us has kids. Well, she does, but it's big and -- and -- and can look at her own butt.

LORELAI

I got this, thanks.

SOOKIE

Okay, well... oh, oh! I'm gonna need Bactine, antiseptic, and lots of hot towels.

LORELAI

I'll go. I'll be right back. [she exits]

KIRK

Ohh.

SOOKIE

Hey, Kirk? How are you feeling?

KIRK

Is Luke here?

LUKE

I'm right here, Kirk.

KIRK

Sorry I bit you.

LUKE

It's okay, Kirk.

KIRK

They were after me, so I ran away.

SOOKIE

Who was after you, honey?

LUKE

Assassins. He thinks assassins are after him.

KIRK

They were under my bed in my room, so I ran, and they followed me down the hall, down the stairs, past Luke and Lorelai kissing, through the yard, over that fence. [Sookie rolls her eyes and smiles in disbelief, Luke looks uncomfortable]

SOOKIE

Well, the assassins are gone now, Kirk.

KIRK

I imagined them?

SOOKIE

I think so.

KIRK

What about Luke kissing Lorelai?

SOOKIE

[ Chuckles ] I think you imagined that, too. [she glances at Luke and does a double take when she sees his expression]

KIRK

They looked so real.

SOOKIE

Okay, Kirk, you just settle down and relax, and I'll be right back. [She drags Luke away from the sofa out of earshot.] Ohh. [ Gasps ] Oh, my God!

LUKE

Sookie!

SOOKIE

You kissed?

LUKE

[tries to suppress a grin] Yes.

SOOKIE

I can't believe she didn't tell me. Why didn't she tell me?

LUKE

It just happened.

SOOKIE

Ooh, Luke, that's wonderful! [pulls him into a big hug]

LUKE

[ chuckles ] Thanks.

SOOKIE

[giggling with excitement] I can't wait to tell Lorelai it's wonderful!

LUKE

Um, could you maybe not say anything for a little while?

SOOKIE

Why?

LUKE

Well, I'm just not so sure she wants this out yet.

SOOKIE

What makes you think that?

LUKE

Do me a favor and keep it to yourself. Let her tell you if she wants to, okay?

SOOKIE

Sure. Okay. Call me Belinda, 'cause my lips are sealed.

LUKE

Thank you. [chuckles]

SOOKIE

Hey, Luke?

LUKE

Yeah?

SOOKIE

This is good. [exits to return to Kirk leaving Luke alone]

LUKE

I hope so.

LINDSAY

Hey.

DEAN

[Startled, he turns around and sees her sitting at kitchen table] Hey.

LINDSAY

My mom brought by brownies. [Dean doesn't respond but walks past her to the kitchen] You worked late again.

DEAN

Yeah.

LINDSAY

Do you have to work tomorrow?

DEAN

I work at Doose's tomorrow.

LINDSAY

Oh. Well, will you be home for dinner? 'Cause I was thinking of cooking or something.

DEAN

I guess. I'll try. I don't know.

LINDSAY

You want a brownie?

DEAN

No.

LINDSAY

My mom put gummy bears in them like I'm still three or something. [silence] Oh yeah, and I found your phone. It had fallen in the couch cushions.

DEAN

Thanks.

LINDSAY

It rang a little earlier, about 20 minutes ago. I answered, but they hung up.

DEAN

You answered my phone?

LINDSAY

Well, it kind of woke me up.

DEAN

Why are you answering people's phones?

LINDSAY

Dean.

DEAN

I mean, you know it's my phone, Lindsay. This isn't your phone. I mean, who was it?

LINDSAY

I don't know. They hung up.

DEAN

So you didn't take a message?

LINDSAY

I told you -- they hung up.

DEAN

So, great, uh, you're just answering my phone and not taking messages? That's great, Lindsay.

LINDSAY

Dean, wh--

DEAN

Taylor calls on this phone, and Tom. I mean, this phone is for business, okay? That's why I have it!

LINDSAY

Fine.

DEAN

What if Tom called, and he had an extra shift for me tomorrow, huh? I mean he calls to tell me, and you answer, and he thinks maybe he doesn't have the right number, and he hangs up, and then I just lose out, which means we lose out. God, Lindsay, you know, you don't -- you don't get it, do you? I mean, you have absolutely no respect for me at all. That's just obvious.[ Sighs ]

LINDSAY

I don't want to fight. We always fight. I won't answer your phone anymore. I was asleep. I didn't think. I'm sorry, okay?

DEAN

Yeah...okay.

LINDSAY

You coming to bed?

DEAN

In a minute.

LINDSAY

[ Inhales ] Okay. [stands to leave] You mad at me?

DEAN

No. Just tired. Long day. I'll be right there.

LULU

Everything looks so good.

SOOKIE

[giggles] I know it does.

LULU

[they move to a small nearby table. LuLu sits down.] I want half of that cranberry square.

KIRK

Okay.

LULU

Kirk, sit.

KIRK

I'm good.

LULU

You can't eat standing up like that. My mother says it gives you cancer.

KIRK

Really? Mine, too.

JACKSON

Hey, look who came to visit.

BABETTE

Oh, my God, the baby's here!

SOOKIE

[approaches] Hey, Shortstuff. How's it hangin'?

JACKSON

He just came to say hi to everybody and to see the place on which his entire college education depends. What do you think? Is it gonna be Ivy League, or is it gonna be "Murray's House of Learnin'"?

SOOKIE

If we're going by the donut demand, I think he's in pretty good shape.

JACKSON

Okay, Ivy League it is. [baby talk to Davey] I just hope you're not stupid. Yeah?

SOOKIE

Well, you have fun. Mommy's gotta get back to work. Be nice, and don't throw up on the buffet.

PATTY

Jackson, you get over here right now with that baby.

EMPLOYEE

Can you sign this? [when finished he exits as Taylor descends the stairs]

TAYLOR

Michel, hold it right there. Michel. Michel, I have a complaint. Michel? Michel?

MICHEL

Can I help you?

TAYLOR

I was talking to you, and you just walked away from me.

MICHEL

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were calling someone else.

TAYLOR

Someone else named Michel?

MICHEL

If only I could read minds. What can I do for you?

TAYLOR

One of my shoes is missing, and the other has been chewed.

MICHEL

Is this a riddle? I'm very busy.

TAYLOR

No, this is not a riddle. This is fact. Look at this shoe. This shoe was practically brand-new, worn twice, and only on smooth-surface floors. [Lorelai descends the stairs and avoids them] I leave it in your hallway, and in the morning, I find this. [LuLu and Kirk enter. Kirk overhears their conversation]

KIRK

Oh, my God, what have I done? [rushes after LuLu up the stairs]

LORELAI

Excuse me. I'm sorry. Taylor, why did you leave your shoe in the hallway?

TAYLOR

Your complimentary shoeshine.

LORELAI

Our - [Confused]

MICHEL

I don't know what he's talking about.

LUKE

Hey, Lorelai --

TAYLOR

Oh, no problem, Luke. Butt right in. I couldn't possibly be talking about anything important.

LUKE

Good.

LORELAI

Uh. [She joins Luke a few feet away]

LUKE

I just -- I have to get back to the diner.

LORELAI

Okay, well, um - I... [glances at Michel and Taylor]

TAYLOR

I'm still standing here.

LORELAI

I have to - [distracted]

LUKE

Uh, sure.

LORELAI

Okay. But, thank you so much for coming.

LUKE

Okay, I'll...guess I'll see you later.

LORELAI

Yeah. [immediately returns to Taylor and Michel]

TAYLOR

You think I'm making all this up.

LORELAI

No, Taylor, I don't think you're making it up.

MICHEL

You're making a scene is what you're making.

TAYLOR

All right, fine. I'm going to find wherever I read that you said you have shoeshine service. I'm going to show you, and then he can take that look off his face.

LORELAI

Taylor, seriously, I completely believe you. [calls after him as he storms off]

MICHEL

That man is why mail-order brides were invented.

LORELAI

Mm.

LORELAI

Oh, my, my. Well, what a surprise.

RORY

People will expect me to be here for breakfast.

LORELAI

Yes, they will.

RORY

Okay, so I'm here for breakfast.

LORELAI

Enjoy! [Rory enters to dining room]

BABETTE

Rory, we were wondering what happened to you.

RORY

I just ran home early this morning to get something. Hey, Davey. Came for breakfast?

PATTY

Yes, he did. Didn't you, Davey?

JACKSON

Yeah, he did. Oops, he's got that look on his face. You might want to give him back to me.

PATTY

Oh, please, if I went running every time some guy tried to crap all over me, I never would have gotten married. [Lorelai passes through to the kitchen]

LORELAI

Hey, Sookie, what did you want to talk - Oh my!

SOOKIE

[ Squeals and hugs Lorelai] I'm so happy!

LORELAI

I'm so glad you're so happy! Is this is a normal happy or was there cooking sherry involved?

SOOKIE

I promised I wouldn't say anything, but I can't help it! It is so wonderful. Do you know how wonderful it is?

LORELAI

No, no, I don't, but I would love to weigh in.

SOOKIE

You're with Luke!

LORELAI

Ah, how did you know?

SOOKIE

Luke told me.

LORELAI

Oh?

SOOKIE

No, I'm sorry, Luke didn't tell me. Kirk told me.

LORELAI

Kirk told you?

SOOKIE

He saw you. He saw you kiss Luke. Oh, my God! You were kissing Luke!

LORELAI

Well, Sookie, I --

SOOKIE

I am so glad! You two are perfect for each other. I have always thought that someday, if you just sort of turned around and opened your eyes that you'd see it, and now that you have, I'm just so damn happy.

LORELAI

Well, I'm --

SOOKIE

You're not gonna die alone. I mean, somebody will be there. Somebody will know. Somebody will find the body and call the police and --

LORELAI

Yes, that is a relief. I can't believe Kirk saw us. I thought he was asleep.

SOOKIE

Don't worry. I convinced him he was dreaming it all, so I don't think he'll say anything. I know you're concerned about that. Why are you concerned about that?

LORELAI

Who said I was concerned about that?

SOOKIE

Luke -- he asked me not to say anything. He said he wasn't sure if you wanted it out. Why wasn't he sure if you wanted it out?

LORELAI

I don't know.

SOOKIE

How was it?

LORELAI

How was - ?

SOOKIE

You know. Was it on top of a table? 'Cause I always thought it would be on top of a table -- oh, like in "Bull Durham"!

LORELAI

There was no sex.

SOOKIE

No sex? Why no sex? [ Gasps ] Can't Luke?

LORELAI

I'm sure he can. There was no time. Everything happened so fast. We were here with the town -- and my parents flipping out and Jason showing up. Oh, no! Jason! What happened to Jason?

SOOKIE

Oh, his condo was on fire.

LORELAI

It was?

SOOKIE

Well, that's what Michel had me say when we called his cell phone. Hey, you don't seem happy.

LORELAI

About what?

SOOKIE

About Luke!

LORELAI

Of course I'm happy about Luke. It's just new. I'm still processing it, that's all.

SOOKIE

But he knows you're happy, right? I mean, he knows you're processing, but once you process, there's gonna be sex, right?

LORELAI

He knows. I think he knows. He should know. I hope he knows.

SOOKIE

Well, make sure he knows, okay? Because you two together -

LORELAI

Equals getting to the morgue before I smell. I got it.

SOOKIE

Okay. [giggles]

LORELAI

Hey. Finish your breakfast already?

RORY

Yeah, I was just leaving you a note.

LORELAI

Oh, you kind of wolfed it down, there.

RORY

I'm a light eater.

LORELAI

So, um, you leaving?

RORY

Yep.

LORELAI

Rory, don't you want to talk?

RORY

We already did.

LORELAI

Oh yeah, but you didn't hear what I wanted to talk about, which was how Jackson is probably gonna have to dislocate several of Davey's limbs trying to pry him away from Patty and Babette.

RORY

I have to go.

LORELAI

[ Sighs ] Rory, can't we just sit down for a second and talk about this?

RORY

I already heard everything you had to say last night.

LORELAI

You know what? Fine. I give. It's your life. Do what you want.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

You're 19. You know what you're doing.

RORY

I do know what I'm doing.

LORELAI

So you don't want to talk. We won't talk.

RORY

Good.

LORELAI

I wasn't thinking we had to talk like mom and kid. I thought we could talk as friends, but hey, forget it.

RORY

I will.

LORELAI

Not that I take back what I said.

RORY

That's your perogative.

LORELAI

[ Clears throat ] I mean, he's married, and as your friend, I have every right to point out the obvious.

RORY

Which you did twice now.

LORELAI

Okay, and I stand by it, though I felt maybe I could help you figure out how to handle this as your friend who you usually turn to to help you figure out how to handle things, but if you don't want to talk, then fine.

RORY

Great.

LORELAI

We won't talk.

RORY

Love the thought.

LORELAI

Don't worry about me nagging you to talk anymore. I'm out.

RORY

Terrific.

LORELAI

In fact, I'm really busy, so if you did change your mind --

RORY

Which I won't.

LORELAI

Okay. But if you did, I'm sorry. I can't help. Taylor lost a shoe, so get in line.

RORY

Any end to this speech in sight?

LORELAI

Bye.

TAYLOR

Aha! I told you I'd seen it somewhere. Look at this.

LORELAI

Ah, right. Uh, Michel, hi. Could you come over here for a minute? Very sorry about this, Taylor.

MICHEL

Yes?

LORELAI

Hey. Here I have a list of services, all printed up nice and neat, including seaweed wraps, facial peels, watsu massage, and complimentary shoeshines, all of which we do not offer.

MICHEL

Well, we should.

LORELAI

Michel.

MICHEL

I mentioned them several times before, but you don't listen to me. Sookie wants to make each guest a meringue hat, and you say, "Oh, Sookie, what a brilliant idea." But I want to pamper our guests with services that we don't have, and you tell me to answer the phone.

LORELAI

I'm very sorry about this, Taylor. We will replace your shoes, I promise you.

TAYLOR

Fine. I'm a 6 1/2, narrow.

LORELAI

Okay. I can't believe you did this.

MICHEL

Oh, you can too.

LORELAI

Get on the phone and find me shoes and have them here by tonight, and get your dogs off the premises immediately.

MICHEL

My dogs aren't --

LORELAI

It's been a rough weekend. Don't screw with me.

MICHEL

If Kirk can sleep inside, why can't my Chows?

LORELAI

Get them and take them home.

MICHEL

Okay, okay, I just have to locate Pau-Pau.

LORELAI

What?

MICHEL

He went out for a walk. He's around. He was just testing his boundaries.

LORELAI

Apparently, so are you.

MICHEL

I'm going. [ Whistles ] Pau-Pau?

LUKE

Luke's.

LORELAI

Hey. [scene switches back and forth between diner and inn]

LUKE

Hello?

LORELAI

[ Louder ] It's me.

LUKE

Oh, hi.

LORELAI

Can we talk?

LUKE

Well, we're kind of busy.

CAESAR

[places two plates on kitchen ledge] Burger and patty melt.

LORELAI

I just wanted to talk.

LUKE

Talk about what?

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

Talk about what?

LORELAI

Could you find a quieter place?

LUKE

Like where?

LORELAI

Just go outside.

LUKE

Phone doesn't reach outside.

CAESAR

[presents another plate of food] Something that looks like tuna.

LORELAI

Use your cell phone.

LUKE

Uh, I don't have a cell phone.

LORELAI

What happened to the phone Nicole gave you?

LUKE

She got it back in the divorce. Actually, I threw it in the lake after the divorce.

LUKE

Jeez, what the hell is going on over there?

LORELAI

What's going on over there?

LUKE

Hold on!

LORELAI

You hold on, too.

LORELAI

I'm good.

LUKE

I'm good, too.

LORELAI

Good!

LUKE

So...you wanted to talk.

LORELAI

Yeah. I just realized that, uh, you know, when I got back last night, I was, um, a little distracted. [slowly slides down the door to sit on the floor and notices Pau-Pau laying next to her chewing on Taylor's missing shoe] Uh,eh.

LUKE

Hey, no big deal.

LORELAI

Uh, no, no, it really was a big deal. I just, um --

LUKE

Seriously, you don't need to --

LORELAI

We kissed. [silence as Luke smiles while remembering] You and me, we kissed?

LUKE

I remember.

LORELAI

And it was...unexpected.

LUKE

Lorelai, relax. I'm fine if you want to just forget it ever happened, really.

LORELAI

No, I don't want to forget it ever happened. It was a great kiss.

LUKE

Yeah?

LORELAI

If one of us had been a frog, it would have had some seriously impressive consequences.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

So, what do you think?

LUKE

I think I'm really relieved you feel that way.

LORELAI

So you concur?

LUKE

Dear God, yes.

LORELAI

Good. So, then, I guess we'll discuss this later.

LUKE

Tonight?

LORELAI

Tonight.

LUKE

Okay. Thanks for the call.

LORELAI

Well, my pleasure.

LORELAI

You better finish that whole thing, Pau-Pau.

RORY

Hi, it's me. We need to meet.

RORY

Come in.

DEAN

[whispers] Hey.

RORY

Hey.

DEAN

I'm glad you called.

RORY

Me too.

DEAN

Everything okay at home?

RORY

Yeah. Everything's okay.

DEAN

Good. [moves closer and takes her hands] Did I ever tell you I like your hair?

RORY

My hair?

DEAN

Your shorter hair.

RORY

It's grown out a little.

DEAN

I like it.

RORY

I like it, too.

DEAN

So, um, you wanted to talk?

RORY

Yeah, talk. [Dean caresses her arm and face before he leans close again] words... wow. [Their kiss becomes more passionate.]

LANE

[shocked] You what?

RORY

I slept with Dean in my room last night, in my bed.

LANE

Oh, my God!

RORY

I know. Who would have even thought that Dean could fit in my bed. I mean, it's so small, and he's not small. He's tall, not small. Great, I'm rhyming.

LANE

I didn't know you were even back together.

RORY

Well, we're not. I mean, I guess we are now, but -- I'm out of breath.

LANE

Sit down.

RORY

My mom caught us.

LANE

Oh, my God.

RORY

I mean, she didn't catch us. We were done, but she -- we were still horizontal, and then she saw Dean come out of my room, and she just said all these things.

LANE

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

RORY

What?

LANE

I'm just picturing it in my head, and -- oh, my God!

ZACH

[OS] Lane!

LANE

I'm busy!

ZACH

[OS] Okay, but hello?

LANE

Go, talk, please.

RORY

So, we had a fight.

LANE

You and Dean.

RORY

No, me and my mom.

LANE

Right.

RORY

So then I called him today, and I told him that we need to talk because there were questions and clarifications and many tiny details that were totally ignored, because he's, like, perfect, you know? But I had it all planned out, every word. I was going to be practical, and I was going to be adult, and then --

LANE

Yeah?

RORY

And then he walked in.

LANE

Yeah?

RORY

And he kissed me, and I couldn't think. It was just -- and then we --

LANE

Again?

RORY

Well, once you get the hang of it, it's pretty easy to duplicate.

LANE

Where?

RORY

What?

LANE

Where did you do it the second time?

RORY

At Miss Patty's.

LANE

You did it at Miss Patty's?

RORY

Yeah.

LANE

She would be so proud.

RORY

I had it all planned out. I was going to get everything straightened out. Why did he have to walk in like that?

ZACH

[OS] Lane!

LANE

[yells back] In a minute! [takes Rory by the hand]

RORY

Lane.

LANE

Okay, I'm sorry, I just have to ask you. [whispers] How was it?

RORY

Why are you whispering?

LANE

Because I just think that no matter where she is, my mom can hear this conversation.

RORY

It was a little scary.

LANE

Was he nice to you?

RORY

Yeah. It was -- I mean, he loves me, and I love him.

LANE

Oh, my God.

GIL

[OS] Lane! Come on!

LANE

What?!

GIL

We were supposed to practice a half an hour ago.

ZACH

Brian's been yammering on about germs and spores for 20 minutes. I'm completely freaked out to touch a microphone ever again.

BRIAN

I'm just saying, at the end of the night, who cleans them?

ZACH

Shut up, Brian.

GIL

Look, man, I only have the babysitter till 6:00, then it's my turn to drive them to Gymboree.

ZACH

Dude, you promised you wouldn't talk about the parental issue during band practice.

GIL

We're not having band practice, and it's not a parental issue. It's being part of the cycle of life, and that, my friend, is pure rock 'n' roll.

ZACH

Go join "The Polyphonic Spree," you fruitcake.

BRIAN

I'm just saying my bass strap has a smell.

LANE

Hey! Shut up, all of you! Now, that is my friend, and she is here in desperate need of some girl talk, and in case you haven't noticed, I am a girl, and this, right here, is what it's like to have a girl in the band, so all of you -- deal! [returns to her bedroom] Sorry.

RORY

Lane, I think I did something that -- what do you think?

LANE

Of what?

RORY

Of what I did. I need some perspective.

LANE

From me?

RORY

Yes.

LANE

You need some perspective on sex from me?

RORY

I need some perspective on sex with Dean from you.

LANE

Oh, well, Dean loves you.

RORY

I know.

LANE

And you love him.

RORY

I know.

LANE

So it seems like --

RORY

He's married.

LANE

I know.

RORY

How did I overlook that fact? I mean, he said that the marriage was over. He said that he had told Lindsay or that he was going to tell her or that she already knew somehow, but I didn't ask anything else. Why didn't I ask anything else?

LANE

I don't know.

RORY

I don't remember what he said. I don't remember what he told me. I didn't ask anything important.

LANE

You can ask now.

RORY

I tried to ask now. I ended up having sex on an Al Gilbert record. I need to know some things. I need -- I don't know what I need to do.

LANE

Maybe you should talk to Lorelai.

RORY

No.

LANE

But she already knows about you guys.

RORY

No.

LANE

She's better than me at this sort of thing because she at least has a frame of reference.

RORY

Talking to her is not an option.

LANE

Okay, well, then --

LANE

What do you think you're doing?!

BRIAN

I told you she'd be mad.

LANE

Get away from my drums!

ZACH

You were in there talking about panty hose or whatever the hell you chicks talk about --

LANE

You do not, under any circumstances, touch my drums.

GIL

He adjusted your seat also.

LANE

You what?!

LORELAI

So, make sure they all get the thank-you cards and light the lemon candles so the rooms smell pretty when they get up there. Thanks, and great job this weekend -- great job. [startles when she sees Emily sitting on the sofa] Oh! My God!

EMILY

My, what a lovely greeting.

LORELAI

How long have you been sitting there?

EMILY

Ten minutes. Why?

LORELAI

You scared me.

EMILY

Like I'm Dracula?

LORELAI

Oh, my God, my heart won't stop pounding.

EMILY

Stop being so dramatic. I just showed up for lunch. It's not as if I did anything truly terrifying like telling you that butt-crack-baring jeans had gone out of style.

LORELAI

What do you mean you showed up for lunch?

EMILY

Our lunch...at 1:00. You, me, Rory -- the three of us. We're having lunch, aren't we?

LORELAI

I didn't think so.

EMILY

You didn't?

LORELAI

Well, no, but --

EMILY

When you invited your father and me for the weekend, you said it included a lunch with you and Rory.

LORELAI

Well, yes, I know, but that was before you left.

EMILY

What does my leaving have to do with anything?

LORELAI

Well, when you left, you weren't here anymore. You were gone, so we just assumed lunch was --

EMILY

this lunch was your idea.

LORELAI

Yes, I know, but --

EMILY

I did not force it upon you.

LORELAI

You're right, however --

EMILY

If you were too busy or you didn't want it to happen, then you didn't have to bring it up at all, did you?

LORELAI

No, I didn't, but you left, see, so --

EMILY

All right then. It is now 1:00. You said lunch at 1:00. I'm here. It's 1:00. I'm hungry. Where's Rory?

LORELAI

Okay, see, you left, so -

EMILY

She's not here, is she?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

Didn't she know about the lunch?

LORELAI

Yes, mom, she knew about the lunch, but you -- so we -- and she -- I'll call her.

EMILY

I'll wait. [walks off]

LANE

[OS] What are you doing?! [unintelligible dialog]

LANE

[OS] What are you talking about?

ZACH

[OS] We're a band! We share!

RORY

Hello?

LORELAI

Your grandmother is here for her lunch. [Scene switches between inn and the bedroom]

RORY

But she left.

LORELAI

Could you just get back here?

RORY

I'm kind of busy.

LORELAI

Rory, this is not for me, okay? This is for your grandmother. You like your grandmother, remember?

RORY

Fine.

LORELAI

Great.

RORY

Bye.

LANE

[OS yelling ]

ZACH

[OS] Chill!

GIL

[OS] You're worse than Metallica!

LINDSAY

I did that.

BUTCHER

Did you put in the meat thermometer?

LINDSAY

Yes, I put in the meat thermometer. I put in three meat thermometers just in case one of them wasn't working.

BUTCHER

And you put the oven on 450 for 20 minutes and then lowered it to 350 for the last hour.

LINDSAY

[upset] I did everything you told me. I did it exactly like you told me to, and it still turned out awful.

BUTCHER

Maybe you should try something else -- meatloaf or chicken.

LINDSAY

No, Dean likes roast beef! We had it at our wedding. His mother makes it every time we go over there. I'm making dinner tonight, and it has to be perfect, so just tell me how to do it again.

BUTCHER

Okay.

LINDSAY

And write it down.

BUTCHER

Okay. First, you rub it with a little oil. Then take some fresh ground...

EMILY

The weather's lovely.

LORELAI

Yes, it is.

EMILY

Rory, don't you think it's lovely?

RORY

It's very lovely.

EMILY

Yes. [looks at her surroundings] Lovely. Well, I don't see any reason to put this off any longer. Girls, I have something to say that may shock you, but unfortunately there's nothing I can do about that now. Lorelai, Rory, Richard and I have separated.

LORELAI

And?

EMILY

What do you mean "and"? That's not enough? You need some sort of mob-related offing to make it interesting?

LORELAI

No, Mom, that's plenty. It's just, we already knew.

EMILY

Rory didn't.

RORY

Well, I mean, I didn't know know --

EMILY

Why would you tell her?

LORELAI

Mom!

EMILY

Who else did you tell?

LORELAI

[sarcasm] So, you haven't read "Page Six"?

EMILY

Rory, if you need to talk about this to try to understand why this is happening, then by all means, do not ask your mother.

LORELAI

Okay, Mom, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be insensitive. It just seemed like a thing you and Dad were going through. I figured you'd make up.

EMILY

Well, we didn't.

LORELAI

I see that. So, wow, you're really separated?

EMILY

That's right. Your father's moving into the pool house.

LORELAI

So then you're not separated.

EMILY

Of course we are.

LORELAI

You're separated by the pool.

EMILY

That's it. That's the end of your input on this.

RORY

I'm sorry, Grandma.

EMILY

Well, what's done is done. I'm moving on. And to celebrate the next stage of my life, I'm going to Europe by myself for the very first time since I was in college. I'm leaving tonight.

RORY

Tonight? That's fast.

EMILY

Well, I wanted to leave quickly, so I called my travel agent and insisted that he put me on tonight's plane to Paris no matter what. He finally managed to bump someone from a church group, and I've got my seat, and I'm leaving at 10:00. And, Rory, my offer to you still stands.

RORY

What offer?

EMILY

My offer to escort you around Europe this summer.

RORY

Oh. [Lorelai watches Rory's reaction carefully]

EMILY

Every young lady should do Europe the proper way at least once in her life, and I would be thrilled to have your company on this very special occasion. Of course, I know it's very short notice, so if you already have plans for the summer, I completely understand.

LORELAI

You know, I think Europe sounds great. I think you would really enjoy that. I mean, remember -- we loved Paris. You don't have anything special planned for the summer, do you?

RORY

[gives Lorelai an odd look] No, nothing special.

EMILY

Well, then? What do you say? Would you like to be impulsive with me?

RORY

Sure, Grandma, I'd love to.

EMILY

That is just wonderful! I'll call Ralphie right away and tell him to bump another Baptist. We'll have a wonderful time, you and I. It'll be just like "Gigi." Lorelai, I'm gonna use your phone.

LORELAI

Be my guest, Mom. [Emily exits. Long pause] Europe? Cool. [Rory give Lorelai a cool look] What?

RORY

So, what is this, a Henry James novel? The young lady acts up, and her family ships her off to Europe?

LORELAI

Oh, come on.

RORY

How fast did you tell Grandma that I had nothing to do this summer?

LORELAI

I'm not shipping you off.

RORY

Oh, please!

LORELAI

I'm not. I'm just -- okay, maybe I am.

RORY

Ha!

LORELAI

I wasn't planning on it, but maybe in the back of my mind, I just thought -

RORY

- Say Goodbye to Daisy Miller.

LORELAI

Okay, fine, so maybe I suggested the trip to give you some time to --

RORY

Travel back to the turn of the century?

LORELAI

To think -- but you did not have to accept.

RORY

I did too.

LORELAI

No, Rory, you didn't. You're 19 now, remember? You're all grown up, and you can handle your own affairs. Sorry. That's a bad choice of words. You can handle your own life events, so if you didn't want to go to Europe, all you had to do was say you didn't want to go, but you didn't, so I assume you do want to go. [sees Rory's expression] You do want to go? How come? I mean, what about Dean? You're just gonna go off and leave now?

RORY

None of your business.

LORELAI

Did something happen? Did you guys have a fight, or is it something else? Is it Lindsay?

RORY

We didn't have a fight. Everything is fine with Dean. I want to go so I can get away from you.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, weren't you supposed to go through this phase like five years ago? 'Cause, I mean, seriously, at this point, storming into your room and blasting your goth rock -- it's just gonna confuse your roommates.

RORY

[grabs her pocketbook stands to exit] Tell Grandma I had to pack.

EMILY

Come on, girls, hurry up. We have an adventure to embark on. [happily approaches the attendant] There you go -- my picture I.D. And my boarding pass. Rory, hurry up. You have to hold your own boarding pass, and you need your I.D. Lorelai, say your good byes here. If you don't have a boarding pass, you can't go farther -- am I right? [confirms with the attendant] I'm right, Lorelai. If you need to search me, that's just fine. Don't be afraid to ask. Bye, Lorelai. [exits to gate]

LORELAI

Bye, Mom. [then to Rory] Hey, hey, hold on a sec. You have everything you need?

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

You have trashy-magazine money?

RORY

Those magazines make Grandma crazy.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, here's 20 bucks. It's a long flight.

EMILY

Rory, hurry, please!

RORY

Coming, Grandma. I have to go.

LORELAI

Yeah, you do. Okay, so, um... have fun, and uh... if you need to talk about anything, just please call me, okay?

RORY

Okay. [uncomfortable moment before she exits. Lorelai sadly watches her depart]

LUKE'S VOICE

Hey, it's me. Uh, listen, I got a call from my sister and T.J. They're up in Maine, and they got into a little accident -- nothing major, just each one of them broke an arm and a leg, [Lorelai looks concerned] so anyhow, they can't run the Renaissance Fair booth for a couple of weeks. So they asked me to come and help them out, and I, unfortunately, answered the phone, so I'm on my way to Maine. I'll be back in about a week. Okay? Bye.

LORELAI

Great.

LUKE'S VOICE

Hey, it's me again. I'm not sure if we're at the point in this relationship where you actually need to know that much information about my whereabouts, [Lorelai smiles and chuckles] so if we're not, I'm sorry. I could have just said, "I'm going out of town, and I'll call you later." So I'm going out of town, and I'll call you later.

LUKE'S VOICE

Me again, [Lorelai look of disbelief] the idiot that leaves you three rambling messages on your machine. I just wanted to tell you I got a cell phone before I left, so, you know, you could call if you want, but only if you want, so that's it.

LORELAI

Ah! [frustrated as she prepared to write down number]

LUKE'S VOICE

Yeah, a number might be good.

LORELAI

Thank you. [writes number on paper]

LUKE'S VOICE

860-294-1986. Okay, bye.

LUKE'S VOICE

Just...don't change your mind until I get back, okay? Okay. Talk to you later.

LUKE'S VOICE

Hello?

LORELAI

Well, if it isn't Dean Moriarty.

LUKE

Yeah, this is the life.

LORELAI

So, are Liz and T.J. okay?

LUKE

Yeah, they're just not getting around too well. Liz is all panicked that if they don't finish out the season, they're gonna lose their spot next to the apple doll booth, which is apparently the prime spot, so I said I'd help them out.

LORELAI

Very chivalrous of you.

LUKE

Yeah, I'm a regular Lancelot. So, you get my messages?

LORELAI

Oh, no, did you leave a message? Sorry, my answering machine dropped dead of exhaustion. What did you say?

LUKE

Not much.

LORELAI

Okay.

LUKE

So...

LORELAI

So...

LUKE

That was a hell of a test run.

LORELAI

You mean for the inn, of course.

LUKE

Of course.

LORELAI

Yes, it was. Although, you know, until you have a successful second go-round, you really don't know if everything's gonna work.

LUKE

Then I guess there's got to be a second go-round. [smiles]

LORELAI

Well, yes, it's the only thing that makes really good business sense. So, where are you right now?

LUKE

About 10 minutes from "if I lived here, I'd blow my brains out."

LORELAI

Ah, yes, I hear it's lovely there this time of year.