T4E6: “An Affair to Remember”

EMILY

It's simply disgraceful.

RICHARD

For years, we've had peace in the neighborhood.

EMILY

I knew the Richmonds were going to be trouble when they missed the block party last month.

LORELAI

I don't understand. They gave out full-size candy bars for Halloween. So what?

EMILY

Not full-size candy bars, Lorelai - king-size candy bars.

RICHARD

We've been giving out full-size candy bars for years now.

EMILY

And then those people move in and throw the entire balance of the neighborhood off. They made everybody look ridiculous.

RICHARD

It's very embarrassing.

EMILY

I think we have to do something about this - maybe go to the homeowners association.

LORELAI

Two Halloweens ago, someone painted the Duprees' Chihuahua orange and nobody went to the homeowners association then.

EMILY

Well, everybody hated Taco.

LORELAI

I think you're making a little too much of this.

EMILY

I saw Mae Richmond at Bay Wellington's two weeks before Halloween. She had ample time to bring it up then, and nothing - not a word. I think it might be time to go after their ball machine.

RORY

Their ball machine?

RICHARD

They have a ball machine on their tennis court that is extraordinarily loud and unpredictable.

EMILY

Flying, thumping balls all over the place.

LORELAI

Flying, thumping what all over the place?

EMILY

Balls.

EMILY

You are four.

LORELAI

And balls are funny.

RICHARD

Don't worry, Emily. If the homeowners association doesn't do anything, we'll take this to the neighbors, get a petition going.

LORELAI

Or if that doesn't work, you could throw some hoods on and burn a full-size Mars bar on their front lawn.

EMILY

King-size, Lorelai - king-size.

RORY

So, how's work, Grandpa?

LORELAI

Look how smoothly she changes the subject.

RICHARD

Work is lovely, Rory. How's school?

RORY

Crazy.

LORELAI

She's taking too many courses.

RORY

I am not.

EMILY

How many are you taking?

LORELAI

Five.

EMILY

Is five a lot?

RORY

It's not a lot

LORELAI

It is a lot.

RICHARD

I took five courses when I was a freshman. Rory takes after me.

RORY

I like to be busy.

RICHARD

Idle hands are the devil's playthings.

LORELAI

That's actually the title of one of her classes.

RORY

Please don't worry about me.

LORELAI

She says to the mother and the grandmother.

EMILY

Are you done?

RORY

Oh, yes, thank you.

EMILY

Good, because we have mini lemon bundt cakes for dessert.

LORELAI

Oh.

EMILY

What?

LORELAI

Well, they're serving full-size bundt cakes over at the Richmonds' house.

EMILY

She's done.

LORELAI

Oh, no, I have a carrot.

EMILY

She's done.

LORELAI

Bet the Richmonds would have let me eat my carrot.

EMILY

All right, this should do it.

RICHARD

May we please get this over with?

EMILY

Patience is a virtue, Richard.

RICHARD

And time is fleeting, Emily.

EMILY

You're starting a new partnership. You need new photographs, especially with that new look.

JASON

I thought I'd give a beard a try.

EMILY

Well, I like it. All right, Helmut, we're all set here.

HELMUT

Okay. Important men doing important things. [takes a picture] Good. Oh, one more time. We're going to sign, and... [takes another picture] We're done.

EMILY

Thank you, Helmut. That was wonderful.

RICHARD

And now we sign the real papers.

JASON

I'm feeling historic. You?

RICHARD

Oh, yes. It's Gettysburg all over again. Thank you.

JASON

Important men doing important things.

RICHARD

Now that makes it official. Jason.

JASON

Let's give 'em hell.

RICHARD

You bet.

EMILY

Oh, I should have had Helmut get the handshake.

RICHARD

The signing was fine, Emily. Sorry about the photo session.

JASON

Oh, no, that's okay. I think it's a cute idea.

EMILY

Yes, and when the financial papers call for an official photo, it'll be downright darling.

RICHARD

I learned long ago, Jason, when it comes to things like this, Emily is always right.

JASON

I am sure she is.

EMILY

Thank you both. Jason, how's your time? Would you like to join us for dinner?

JASON

Oh, I'd love to, Emily, but I should get these papers up to my lawyer's office. Next week?

EMILY

Consider it an open invitation.

JASON

Thank you. Richard, I'll see you tomorrow morning.

RICHARD

Yes, you will.

EMILY

"I think it's cute."

RICHARD

He's young, Emily.

EMILY

Yes, well, a good smack on that scruffy face of his would age him up a bit. All right, let's discuss the launch party. Do you have any sort of particular feel in mind?

RICHARD

Well, I'll leave that to your discretion. Just make sure it's dignified.

EMILY

We probably shouldn't go too fancy. Maybe we'll do one of those vodka bars - caviar, a Russian theme. I love that it's okay to be Russian again.

RICHARD

It sounds lovely.

EMILY

How's the 23rd?

RICHARD

Perfect.

EMILY

And I want you to get a new suit.

RICHARD

I don't need a new suit.

EMILY

And find out what Jason's going to wear. I don't want the two of you showing up looking like the Bobbsey twins.

RICHARD

Oh, yes, that would be embarrassing.

EMILY

I'll need a guest list.

RICHARD

Uh huh.

EMILY

A Russian theme. I like that.

PROFESSOR

The conquering peoples impose their own values on the subjugated peoples through education, and quite often through the appointment of a priesthood from among their own ranks. This means we should not assume that the system of values has in some way evolved in a region. It is almost always imposed with the explicit purpose of keeping power in the hands of the powerful. Something to think about until next week, when we will burst more of your illusions... which brings me to a bit of bad news. There was an error in the syllabus you received. The dates were wrong, which means that all of your reading has been pushed up one week. I apologize for this cruel little life experience, but what can I do? I just found out my in-laws are moving back to town. None of us are immune. I'll see you all Tuesday.

LORELAI

So, we were thinking maybe two horses to start with. See, it's so charming with the overhang here.

TOM

You want me to turn this into stables?

LORELAI

Yes.

TOM

Without a magic wand or some sort of fairy dust?

LORELAI

Preferably, yes.

TOM

Let me take a look inside.

LORELAI

We'd like to keep the existing structure, please.

KIRK

Lorelai, I'm all set up as soon as you're ready.

LORELAI

Be right there, Kirk.

KIRK

Okie dokie.

TOM

How attached are you gonna get to these horses?

LORELAI

What?

TOM

You gonna name 'em, feed 'em apples, braid their tails?

LORELAI

Why, Tom?

TOM

Well, the roof's about to cave in so I can stay within our budget, but then I'd just call 'em all Trigger.

LORELAI

Just tell me how much more it's gonna cost.

TOM

Okay.

SOOKIE

Hey, you're here.

LORELAI

I'm always here.

SOOKIE

Listen, I want to talk to you about something very exciting.

LORELAI

Ooh, very exciting. I love very exciting.

SOOKIE

This morning I got a call from your mother.

LORELAI

This is the very exciting?

SOOKIE

Yes! She's doing a launch party for your father's new business and she wants us to do the catering.

LORELAI

Us?

SOOKIE

Us!

LORELAI

Did you say us?

SOOKIE

Yes.

LORELAI

To her. Did you say "us" to her?

SOOKIE

Yes.

LORELAI

So she knows about us?

SOOKIE

Yes, she knows about us, I think. What does she know about us?

LORELAI

That we have a catering business?

SOOKIE

Yes.

LORELAI

Oh, man!

SOOKIE

What? Did I do something bad?

LORELAI

No, nothing, nothing. It's my fault. I forgot to tell her.

SOOKIE

How could you forget to tell her?

LORELAI

Well, I've only seen her forty or fifty times since we started the business. Now what did she say exactly?

SOOKIE

Well, she asked me to cater, and I said we'd love to, and then she said, "we?" so I said you and I had started a company, so it'd be the both of us together, and she said fine.

LORELAI

Was there a pause before "fine" or was it just "fine"?

SOOKIE

I don't remember. I just remember the "fine."

LORELAI

She's mad.

SOOKIE

I swear she didn't sound mad.

LORELAI

Okay.

SOOKIE

Good.

LORELAI

Now let's talk about how much I can't do this.

SOOKIE

Look, I knew it would be a thing working for your mother, but it's perfect timing. This is probably the last job we'll be able to take before I have the baby.

LORELAI

Something else will come along.

SOOKIE

Not that pays like your mother does.

LORELAI

You know why she pays so much? So she can torture you and you won't throw knives at her.

SOOKIE

Look, you already know the house. Decorating, planning - it's gonna be a snap for you. I bet you can spend ninety percent of the evening in the kitchen, then we get to take home the pretty, pretty money.

LORELAI

Sookie.

SOOKIE

Pretty, pretty money. Aren't you a big fat wad of pretty money?

LORELAI

Fine.

SOOKIE

Really?

LORELAI

Shouldn't ask again.

SOOKIE

Accepting and moving on.

KIRK

Excuse me, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Oh, my God, Kirk, I forgot you were here.

KIRK

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.

LORELAI

I'm very, very sorry. You have my full attention.

SOOKIE

I'm gonna go. Um, we'll talk tomorrow about the details.

LORELAI

Okay. All right, Kirk, show me what you got.

KIRK

If you'll just follow me, I would like to present you with my new line of one-of-a-kind mailboxes.

LORELAI

Wow. They look very nice, Kirk.

KIRK

And whimsical. They say to the world, "I'll take my mail with a smile."

LORELAI

Yes, they do say that.

KIRK

And since you are one of our preferred customers, with the purchase of one of our mailboxes, I'll throw in a carved-duck doorstop and a garlic peeler.

LORELAI

Wow, that's quite an offer, Kirk, but I think it's a little early for me to pick a mailbox. We haven't even settled on a color for the inn yet.

KIRK

Well, whimsy goes with everything.

LORELAI

Kirk, I promise, just as soon as... is that Condoleezza Rice?

KIRK

Yes, it is. I'm a fan, and her big mouth is perfect for shoving mail in.

LORELAI

Ha. Uh, I'll have to think about it.

KIRK

Fair enough. So, I hear you're running a catering business now.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, just temporarily.

KIRK

You guys any good?

LORELAI

Not bad.

KIRK

And how much would one have to pay for your culinary services?

LORELAI

It depends, the type of food, number of people, kind of venue.

KIRK

Simple food, two guests, my mother's living room.

LORELAI

Really?

KIRK

I have a visitor coming in from out of town and I thought it would be nice to serve her a catered meal.

LORELAI

Her?

KIRK

Actually, she was my brother's ex-girlfriend - Lulu.

LORELAI

Good name.

KIRK

I had sort of a crush on her for a while, and she's coming home to visit her mother, and she called me.

LORELAI

Kirk, you have a date.

KIRK

No, just an appointment to take Lulu to dinner.

LORELAI

That's a date.

KIRK

I don't have high hopes for it, if that's what you're thinking.

LORELAI

Kirk, it's very sweet, but are you sure you want to have dinner in your living room?

KIRK

Well, the breakfast nook doesn't seem festive enough.

LORELAI

Right, but while you're having dinner in your living room, where will your mother be?

KIRK

Probably in the living room.

LORELAI

Is that what you really want? To have dinner with your mother watching?

KIRK

I could ask her to face the wall.

LORELAI

Or you could take Lulu out to a restaurant.

KIRK

Which one?

LORELAI

Well, what does she like?

KIRK

I don't know. Should I call my brother and find out?

LORELAI

I think if he knew, she'd probably still be with him.

KIRK

I just really want it to be nice.

LORELAI

Just take her someplace where you're comfortable. It doesn't have to be fancy. If you like it, she'll like it.

KIRK

Okay.

LORELAI

Just not one attached to a bowling alley.

KIRK

That narrows it down a bit. I'll figure something out.

LORELAI

Good. You'll see - it'll be great.

KIRK

Do you think I could stop by tomorrow with some wardrobe choices for you to pick out?

LORELAI

Kirk, you can dress yourself. Just look nice. You know, not too fancy. Clean. No jeans. Oh, maybe a sport coat. Eleven sound good?

KIRK

Perfect.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

A trampoline. That's new.

JANET

Helps with my shin splints.

RORY

Huh. Wow. Squeaky.

JANET

Yup. Phone.

RORY

Thanks.

RORY

Paris, can you get the phone? Paris?

PARIS

Don't answer it.

RORY

Why not?

PARIS

It's Jamie and we're fighting.

RORY

Well, does he know you're fighting? 'Cause he's not hanging up.

PARIS

Oh, he knows. Trust me, he knows.

RORY

Okay. You're seriously not gonna answer that?

PARIS

Nope.

RORY

Paris, come on.

PARIS

Fine. [picks up the phone, then hangs it back up] There.

RORY

Why are you and Jamie fighting?

PARIS

Because he's wrong.

RORY

Oh, okay.

PARIS

He won't listen to me. [picks up the phone] You won't listen to me! [hangs up] He's in love with the sound of his own voice. You'd think he was already president and I don't want to be Hillary. I don't want to wait for a hundred years while he does his thing so by the time I get my chance, I'm too old to enjoy it.

RORY

Well, I don't think Hillary's too old to enjoy it.

PARIS

Fine. Be on his side.

RORY

I'm not on his side. I'm on her side.

PARIS

Don't answer it.

RORY

Paris, I have to study!

PARIS

Go ahead.

RORY

I can't!

PARIS

Why not?

RORY

The phone.

PARIS

Don't, Rory! I mean it!

RORY

[answers the phone] Hello? Hi, Jamie. Yes, she is here.

PARIS

No.

RORY

Paris, you're acting stupid, okay? You love Jamie, so just get on the phone and work it out so that I can study, okay?

PARIS

[takes the phone] What? No, I haven't thought about what you said. Because I'm very busy, Jamie, and contrary to your beliefs, I have better things to occupy my time with than thinking about you. Or what you said. Or what you meant or what you want or anything about you or concerning you. [Rory grabs the phone from her] Hey!

RORY

Have him call you back on your cell phone. Then you can talk to him outside. It's nice outside. There are birds and trees.

PARIS

My cell phone is dead.

RORY

Then take mine.

PARIS

What's your phone plan?

RORY

Why?

PARIS

'Cause I'm not gonna borrow your phone and get slammed with a massive charge because your phone plan sucks.

RORY

Paris!

PARIS

[on phone] Jamie, I'm going to call you back on Rory's cell. Yes, I am. Yes, I am!

RORY

Yes, she is!

PARIS

Okay, bye. [hangs up]

RORY

Here.

PARIS

I'll be back.

RORY

Take your time.

RORY

Tanna, I'm trying to study.

TANNA

Okay.

RORY

I can hear the TV through the wall.

TANNA

Okay.

RORY

It's distracting.

TANNA

Are you telling me to turn it off?

RORY

I'm not telling -

TANNA

You can, you know, because your grandma paid for the TV.

RORY

I'm not telling you to turn the TV off.

TANNA

Because you can.

RORY

The TV belongs to all of us.

TANNA

If it's a matter of volume, I could press my ear to the speaker and then I could turn it really low.

RORY

Never mind.

TANNA

The problem there is that the speakers for the TV are mounted up in the corner of the ceiling, but perhaps if I got a ladder.

RORY

Never mind, Tanna.

TANNA

Are you sure you don't want me to turn it off?

SOOKIE

Try this one.

LORELAI

Sookie, I love you, I love your cooking, but I swear if you make me eat one more bite of broccoli tart, I will beat you to death with it.

SOOKIE

Your mother is the pickiest woman I have ever catered for. She has impeccable taste, the highest standards, and she can smell an inferior tart a mile away.

LORELAI

Well, depending on how long it's been left out, we all can.

SOOKIE

You know, she still hasn't called yet.

LORELAI

She will.

SOOKIE

But she was supposed to call about the details a couple of days ago.

LORELAI

She will, Sookie.

SOOKIE

But it's coming up and we still don't know if she wants a fish course or a cheese course.

LORELAI

We'll make a fish-cheese combo course just to be sure.

SOOKIE

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Why do I have to call her?

SOOKIE

Because technically you're doing the organizing, and I've got batter hands. Oh, ask her about the foie gras. Is it too expected? 'Cause I can make it with a, you know, cherry compote. Okay. You know... you know what to say.

LORELAI

[on phone] Hello, Mom.

EMILY

Lorelai, hello. How nice to hear from you.

LORELAI

How are you doing?

EMILY

Well, I'm just fine, thank you for asking.

LORELAI

Good, I'm glad to hear it.

EMILY

And I'm glad to report it.

LORELAI

Uh, so the reason I'm calling is we haven't heard from you yet, and we really need to nail down some of the details of the party.

EMILY

"We" haven't heard from you yet?

LORELAI

Yes, we - me and Sookie.

EMILY

Ah, yes, the Independence Catering Company.

LORELAI

Uh huh. So, anyhow -

EMILY

You know, a few years ago, there was a company called Independent Catering. They were all the rage until they catered the Kirov benefit for diabetes that sent 300 people to the hospital with a vicious case of food poisoning. Well, needless to say, they went out of business immediately, and I believe one of them left town without packing.

LORELAI

Oh, well, that's a good story. Hans Christian Anderson?

EMILY

You know, some people could mistake the Independence Catering Company with the Independent Catering Company, and that would just be a shame for you, wouldn't it? Now if I'd known what you were going to name your company, I could have warned you.

LORELAI

Mom, I swear, I tried to tell you.

EMILY

You did?

LORELAI

Yes, I did. I sent you a flier. Didn't you get my flier?

EMILY

No, I did not get your flier.

LORELAI

Oh, well, I sent it, and to be, um, honest with you, I was a little hurt that you didn't call to congratulate me, but now that I know you didn't get it, I forgive you.

EMILY

When did you send a flier?

LORELAI

Last week.

EMILY

What did it say?

LORELAI

Oh, you know... come and get it.

EMILY

You wrote "come and get it" on your business flier?

LORELAI

Well, no, it was your basic "Introducing the Independence Catering Company", uh, flier. You know, it had our phone number, our address, and an amusing caricature of us.

EMILY

Well, that sounds like a very nice flier.

LORELAI

Oh, it was.

EMILY

Do you have an extra one? You can bring it with you on Friday night.

LORELAI

Uh, sure.

EMILY

Because it's very unusual these days for things to get lost in the mail. You don't think you got the address wrong, do you?

LORELAI

Mom, the party?

EMILY

All right. I'm going to want a mixture of white, off-white, and cream-colored linen. A simple bone china with a gold or deep-blue stripe will work.

LORELAI

Okay, got it.

EMILY

I'm going with tapers cut in half so that people can see each other across the table. We'll need white and sterling roses, but not too high or formal. Do you have a florist?

LORELAI

I have a florist.

EMILY

Does he have a flier?

LORELAI

Do you want clear or silver vases?

EMILY

You must think I'm a complete idiot.

LORELAI

No, Mom, I don't.

EMILY

There is no flier. You're making it up to cover for the fact that you once again neglected to tell me about an important event in your life.

LORELAI

Mom, I swear there's a flier.

EMILY

Shame on you for swearing there's a flier. That's the worst possible thing you could do.

LORELAI

Liv Tyler grew up her entire life thinking Todd Rundgren was her real father. You think that might knock this out of first place?

EMILY

I tell you, if I saw this kind of behavior from some other company I was hiring, I would fire them on the spot.

LORELAI

Then fire us, Mom.

EMILY

Excuse me?

LORELAI

You are not hiring your daughter and her friend, you are hiring a professional catering company. This is not a favor, it is a business transaction, and I must insist that you treat us exactly as you would any other person off the street.

EMILY

As you wish.

LORELAI

Thank you. Now I'm sorry, but we're very busy with preparations for your event, so I'm gonna have to hang up now. Goodbye, Mother.

EMILY

Goodbye.

LORELAI

Aah! Horrible woman!

SOOKIE

You, uh, forgot to ask about the menu.

RORY

My dorm room has turned into a "Three Stooges" movie. Shove Pop Tarts under the door in two hours please.

LORELAI

Uh, honey...

RORY

You quiched my room.

SOOKIE

They're not quiche. They're broccoli tarts.

RORY

Well, then you tarted up my room.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, honey, I didn't know you were coming home today. Sookie's just trying some things out for Grandma's party.

RORY

How am I supposed to study when it smells like broccoli?

LORELAI

Well, study in the living room.

RORY

This is not living room study. This is serious bedroom study. I have a ton of work to do.

LORELAI

Well, hey, here's a crazy thought - isn't there someplace at Yale you can study? Don't they have like a hundred libraries?

RORY

Yes, but they don't have that right vibe. They're too quiet and too big and drafty. Very, very drafty.

LORELAI

At least they don't smell like quiche.

SOOKIE

Enough with the quiche, okay?

RORY

I can't believe I came all the way home and there's nowhere to work.

LORELAI

Well, it's just temporary.

RORY

'Til the sewing machine comes.

LORELAI

Oh, hey... you know how many kids in India would love to come home to a room full of quiche? Sorry - tarts.

SOOKIE

Tarts are totally different.

LORELAI

I know, honey. I know.

LUKE

Have a seat, Kirk. I'll be right there. [walks over to Caesar] Caesar.

CAESAR

Yes?

LUKE

You know what the key to a truly successful tuna melt is?

CAESAR

What?

LUKE

Tuna.

CAESAR

That's not tuna?

LUKE

No, it's turkey.

CAESAR

Give me the plate. I'll do it again.

LUKE

Don't get exasperated with me. I'm not the one that made the wrong sandwich. [walks over to Kirk] What are you doing, Kirk?

KIRK

Say I was Tom Cruise. Where would you seat me?

LUKE

In an acting class.

KIRK

No, I mean, which do you consider the best seat in the house?

LUKE

I don't know.

KIRK

How are the acoustics here?

LUKE

What?

KIRK

Well, the bathrooms are right over there. One good loud flush and the entire mood is spoiled.

LUKE

I don't have time to kill you right now, Kirk. Come back in a couple of hours.

KIRK

All right, I'll just reserve these three tables and decide later.

LUKE

Reserve these three -

KIRK

For Wednesday night, eight o'clock.

LUKE

We don't take reservations, Kirk.

KIRK

But this is a special occasion. And Lorelai told me to go somewhere I'm comfortable, and I'm comfortable here.

LUKE

You are?

KIRK

Well, not at this moment, but previously I have been comfortable here. Please?

LUKE

What's the occasion?

KIRK

I have a date with a young lady.

LUKE

You really felt the need to add the "with a young lady" part?

KIRK

Kinda.

LUKE

Okay, you can have one table for eight o'clock.

KIRK

Thank you. Here.

LUKE

What's this?

KIRK

It's a diagram of how I would like the table set up. See - little flowers by her plate, and the champagne bucket over here so I don't accidentally knock it off the table with my elbow.

LUKE

I don't sell champagne, Kirk.

KIRK

Why not?

LUKE

Because this is a diner.

KIRK

Good champagne goes with everything.

LUKE

Get your own champagne, Kirk.

KIRK

But what about the flowers?

LUKE

Kirk.

KIRK

Okay, fine. I'll get the champagne and the flowers. Now, let's say the date goes well. How much for the place upstairs?

LUKE

You mean my apartment?

KIRK

Yes.

LUKE

Bye, Kirk.

KIRK

Okay, see you later. [to female customer] Excuse me, is that good?

CUSTOMER

Yes.

KIRK

And what is that?

CUSTOMER

Meat loaf.

KIRK

Okay, so, this meat loaf, is it a romantic food for you? I mean, is it getting you hot?

LUKE

Kirk!

KIRK

Good talking to you.

LORELAI

I can't believe we're doing this.

SOOKIE

Well, you did tell her to treat us like any other catering service.

LORELAI

"I'd like you to do a test meal, Lorelai. After all, you are a new company." Ugh, she must be so happy right now. She's probably been cackling into her magic mirror all morning.

SOOKIE

It's going to be a breeze. You wait and see.

LORELAI

Three hours of bowing and scraping.

SOOKIE

We are not going to be bowing and scraping. We're going to be serving and delighting.

LORELAI

Anything to humiliate me, anything at all.

SOOKIE

Wow! You grew up here?

LORELAI

I swear, if she makes me wear a uniform...

SOOKIE

This is Citizen Kane's house.

LORELAI

Drape one of those napkins over my arm.

SOOKIE

Is there a moat?

LORELAI

Just help me out here, okay? Run interference whenever you can.

SOOKIE

I promise.

MAID

May I help you?

SOOKIE

Hi. We're the caterers. We're here for -

MAID

The servants' entrance is around back. [shuts the door]

SOOKIE

Was that a maid?

LORELAI

Come on.

SOOKIE

What are all those tennis balls doing over here?

GLENN

Irish studies suck, German studies suck, everything here sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks!

RORY

That yoga's really working for you, Glenn.

PARIS

[from inside the suite] Don't get that, I mean it! Do not touch that phone!

LORELAI

Oh, great, I'm glad you got that. It's been bugging me for the last...

EMILY

Is this the off-white or the cream?

LORELAI

Uh, the off-white. The cream is more creamy. I cut those myself so they could be adjusted either way. I mean, they could be adjusted smaller. Taller would be tougher once they're cut, but, uh, if they tell a lie, they'll shoot right back up.

EMILY

I assume you'll have servers.

LORELAI

Yes, we will.

EMILY

I assume you'll instruct your servers to omit the Pinocchio humor.

LORELAI

Yes, we will.

SOOKIE

Okay, here we go. Now, we would start off with either the roasted asparagus with the Parmesan or the trio of winter soups - tomato basil, butternut squash, and Catalonian garlic.

EMILY

Very ambitious.

SOOKIE

And very tasty.

LORELAI

I'll tell the servers not to do that either.

EMILY

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Yes?

EMILY

My napkin.

LORELAI

Oh, oh, well, yes. Napkin, yes, your napkin. I got it. Do you want me to just tuck it in your shirt there or...

EMILY

My lap will be fine.

LORELAI

Okay. There you go. Feel free to spill anything you want down there. You are covered.

EMILY

What is the next course?

SOOKIE

Lobster potpie.

EMILY

You may bring it out now.

SOOKIE

Okay.

EMILY

Sookie, how far along are you?

SOOKIE

Eight months.

EMILY

Lorelai, there doesn't seem to be any reason for a pregnant woman in her eighth month to be running back and forth to the kitchen, does there?

LORELAI

No, there doesn't.

EMILY

You should take my plate. Otherwise, you'll have no place to put the potpie.

LORELAI

Oh, I can think of a place.

EMILY

What was that?

LORELAI

Plates going bye-bye.

LORELAI

[to the maid] Okay, when I give the signal, you run in and distract her and I'll take her down. Got it?

LORELAI

Here we go - Sookie's famous lobster potpie.

EMILY

Very nice crust.

SOOKIE

Thank you.

EMILY

Well, Sookie, I must say your food is as accomplished as I remember it.

SOOKIE

Oh, thank you, Emily.

EMILY

And I think after we fine-tune the presentation, we'll have ourselves a very nice dinner party.

SOOKIE

So we got the job?

EMILY

Yes, you got the job.

SOOKIE

We got the job. Thank you. You will not be disappointed.

EMILY

No, I will not. The event starts at 7:30, I would like you to be here at four o'clock. I'm going to make a Xerox copy of my notes here so the two of you can peruse it on the way home. [leaves the room]

SOOKIE

We did it, we got the job! What a score! We landed a whale.

LORELAI

Yeah, we always had the job, Sookie. The whale was just toying with us. She was swatting us with her tail and hosing us down with her blowhole because that is the whale's M.O. - humiliate and rip apart every other fish in the sea until there's nothing left but a bloody pile of chum.

SOOKIE

Boy, you really hate whales, don't you?

RORY

It's amazing. Out of the blue, bam! It was right there.

LORELAI

Well, things always happen when you least expect it.

RORY

I have to tell you, this tree is perfect.

LORELAI

All girls think their tree is perfect.

RORY

It fits my back completely, and there's plenty of grass, and it's in a great area - just far enough away from anything major so there's not a lot of noise but still not in Siberia.

LORELAI

Hey, can it cook? 'Cause I can get it a great gig with a crazy woman.

RORY

Grandma's not crazy. She's specific.

LORELAI

Well, at least one of us is happy.

RORY

And thank God it's me.

LORELAI

My feelings exactly.

RORY

You have no idea how much studying I got done today. Seriously, ask me anything.

LORELAI

Okay. Um, how'd I get shanghaied into catering a party for my mother?

RORY

You keep repeating yourself.

LORELAI

Well, as soon as I hear you talking about a study shrub, I'll know it's time to move on.

RORY

Okay, fine, I have to go.

LORELAI

Yeah? Gonna go shopping for a nice yellow ribbon?

RORY

Have some chili fries for me.

LORELAI

I will.

LORELAI

Cheeseburger, onion rings, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I'm looking for heroes.

LUKE

How'd the tasting go?

LORELAI

We got the job.

LUKE

Would have been pathetic if you hadn't.

LORELAI

I can't do this.

LUKE

It's a gig.

LORELAI

Yes, it is a gig. It's Prince opening for the Rolling Stones. That's the kind of gig it is.

LORELAI

Luke...

LUKE

Yeah?

LORELAI

What's Kirk doing?

LUKE

Practicing.

LORELAI

Hm. For what?

LUKE

His date. He's doing a test run - talking, eating, making conversation. Then he's gonna go home and review the tape and adjust from there.

LORELAI

Boy! You ever think about how many different ways Kirk could get kicked out of the Army?

LUKE

What a poor slob. He's pathetic.

LORELAI

He likes a girl. That's sweet.

LUKE

All day long, I have this crazy person sitting in my diner ordering everything off the menu, by the way, to see which meal has less crumb-to-sweater ratio.

LORELAI

Well, if he's bugging you that much, you can ask him to leave.

LUKE

You ask him to leave. It's your fault he's here.

LORELAI

How is it my fault? I'm not going out with him.

LUKE

You're the one that told him to find someplace he felt comfortable.

LORELAI

How did I know he felt comfortable here?

LUKE

I don't know. All I know is that you talked to him, and now he's over there talking to a camera.

LORELAI

Oh, come on, Luke. Give him a break. He wants the date to go well. I mean, it's all any of us wants - to find a nice person to hang out with 'til we drop dead. Not a lot to ask.

LUKE

I guess.

LORELAI

And look on the positive side - if Kirk's date goes well, he'll be occupied, and you'll be seeing a lot less of him at the diner.

KIRK

Cut! Okay, that sucked! Let's just go again right away. Focus! Focus.

LUKE

I'll have his monogrammed booth installed tomorrow.

RICHARD

All right, I think this should be everyone.

EMILY

You've double-checked it?

RICHARD

I have double-checked it, but I'm sure you will also double-check it.

EMILY

You know I will.

RICHARD

So I am entirely confident that no one will be left out. This is very nice.

EMILY

Isn't it, though? It's a florist Lorelai found. We're using him for the party.

RICHARD

Oh, I think that will be perfect.

EMILY

It has to be perfect. These are important people we're trying to impress.

JASON

Richard, Emily.

RICHARD

Jason, what a pleasant surprise.

EMILY

Richard, you should have told me Jason was coming over. I would have had something prepared.

JASON

Oh, please, Emily, I've gained ten pounds since I came into this house.

EMILY

Men always say that and it's never true.

JASON

I just dropped by for the keys to the office.

RICHARD

Ah, that's right. Forgot to give you the keys. Oh, my apologies, Jason. Here you go.

JASON

Thank you. Sorry to interrupt your evening. I'll see you tomorrow.

EMILY

Oh, Jason, I'm going to need your guest list as soon as possible.

JASON

My guest list?

EMILY

To the launch party. Oh, Richard, you did remember to ask Jason for his list, didn't you?

RICHARD

Emily, I am a very busy man.

EMILY

Oh, honestly, Richard, that's what you have a secretary for. Jason, I apologize for my husband. The official launch party for your company is next week. I've got the entire thing organized. All I need is your guest list.

JASON

You organized a launch party.

RICHARD

Yes, and trust me when I tell you that there is no one who can throw together a more elegant event at the drop of a hat than Emily Gilmore.

EMILY

True, and thank you, and you still forgot to tell him.

JASON

Well, Emily, I really appreciate the thought, but I'm not so sure a launch party is the way to go.

EMILY

What do you mean?

RICHARD

Well, Jason, it's traditional to do something for our clients. They appreciate it. It gives us a chance to talk to them one-on-one, develop relationships.

EMILY

It's the extra little things that set you apart in business, Jason.

JASON

I couldn't agree more, and that is why I've organized a trip to Atlantic City.

EMILY

What?

JASON

You know, get everybody out, away from business, away from their spouses, away from stuffy cocktail-party music and floral arrangements. Have a little crazy fun - you know, good food, lots to drink, maybe a little gambling, a show, and trust me, nothing bonds two businessmen together more than one of them finding the other hung over with a hooker in their bed the next morning.

EMILY

What?

JASON

Just a figure of speech, Emily.

EMILY

You cannot be serious. These are dignified men and women. There are mobsters in Atlantic City.

JASON

Let's hope so.

EMILY

Talk to him.

RICHARD

Well, Jason, I'm not so sure this -

JASON

Richard, this is the kind of thing that could set us apart from the other companies. It's different, maybe a little crazy, but they will remember it and they will tell their friends about it.

RICHARD

Yes, I suppose they will.

JASON

Every other company in town is throwing a dignified cocktail party. Believe me, right now my mother has twelve caterers throttling every sturgeon they can find to get fine caviar for my father's clients. Let's not give our clients canapés, Richard. Let's give 'em some fun.

RICHARD

Well, it is different.

EMILY

You can't be serious.

RICHARD

Well, it's good to change with the times.

EMILY

You're running an insurance company, not a rap label. People aren't looking to you to give them a good time. They are looking to you to protect their livelihood.

RICHARD

Now let's think about this for a moment. I mean, how far along is this party? Is it too late to cancel?

EMILY

No, it's not too late to cancel.

RICHARD

All right. Jason, we'll try it your way. Atlantic City it is.

JASON

I think it's a good move, Richard. And Emily, thank you again for the offer. But see, now you can just hang out and relax.

EMILY

My two favorite things.

RICHARD

All right, see you tomorrow.

JASON

See you tomorrow.

RORY

Um, excuse me, you're sitting under my tree.

GUY

What?

RORY

My study tree - this is my study tree.

GUY

What the hell's a study tree?

RORY

Okay. See, I have roommates -

GUY

So do I.

RORY

Yes, but I have Paris and I have Tanna and I have Janet, and Janet squeaks -

GUY

Look, I'm busy, okay?

RORY

Yes, I see you're very busy with your "Trucker's Monthly" there, but I finally found a great place to study, and you're sitting on it.

GUY

There's a million trees on campus.

RORY

But this one fits my back perfectly so I don't get tired, and the light is right, and it's just far enough away from anything busy so that the noise level is perfect, and it's quiet but not Unabomber, and... and anyhow, I was just hoping that maybe you would consider giving me back my tree.

GUY

No.

RORY

Oh. Well...

KIRK

After you.

LULU

Wow, this place seems nice.

KIRK

Yes, diners are apparently all the rage nowadays.

LULU

Really?

KIRK

Very hip. Very, very hip. Excuse me.

LUKE

Yes?

KIRK

I believe I have reservations for two. The name's Kirk.

LUKE

Kirk, yes. Okay. Follow me. How's this?

KIRK

Very satisfactory. Thank you. [hands him a dollar bill] There's more where that came from.

LUKE

It's my lucky night.

LULU

Wow, I'm getting the fancy treatment.

KIRK

Well, you did show up.

LULU

Yes, I did.

KIRK

I hear the meat loaf is excellent here.

LORELAI

Coming, coming, coming. [she opens the door] Mom.

EMILY

Were you asleep?

LORELAI

Uh, no.

EMILY

Then why are you in your pajamas?

LORELAI

These aren't pajamas.

EMILY

You wear that in public?

LORELAI

Hi, Mom. Would you like to come in?

EMILY

You have the word "juicy" on your rear end.

LORELAI

Uh, well, if I had known you were coming over, I would have changed.

EMILY

Into what, a brassiere with the word "tasty" on it?

LORELAI

Hey, Mom, what can I do for you?

EMILY

I have to talk to you about something.

LORELAI

Is everything okay?

EMILY

I'm afraid you aren't going to be catering the launch party after all.

LORELAI

What? Why?

EMILY

Your father and I just decided to go a different way, that's all.

LORELAI

A different way?

EMILY

Now, of course, I realize you've already put out some money.

LORELAI

Yeah, we have.

EMILY

Of course, I will reimburse you for all expenses. Just give me the receipts.

LORELAI

Great.

EMILY

That's it. That's all I came to tell you.

LORELAI

Okay, well, thanks for the notice.

EMILY

You don't have to take that tone with me, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Really, I don't? After you made us do that ridiculous tasting at the house?

EMILY

You told me to treat you like any other company.

LORELAI

Oh, but you sat there like the Queen of England, making us jump through hoops and taking ridiculous notes and for what - so you could fire us? Is this payback for me not telling you about the business? Because, I have to say, Mom, even for you, it seems a little extreme.

EMILY

I understand you're upset.

LORELAI

Yes, I'm upset! We needed that money, Mom. And I knew that humiliation was part of the package, but I did it because I had to, and - just you abruptly firing us is completely wrong!

EMILY

I agree, it is wrong.

LORELAI

Well, okay, then... as long as you agree it's wrong. . what? Okay.

EMILY

I'm sorry, Lorelai. I really am. I thought your table was lovely. I thought the food was wonderful. I was really looking forward to this party. I think it might have been the best one I ever put on.

LORELAI

So, then, what happened?

EMILY

Oh, you know, times change, Lorelai. Things that were once considered proper and elegant are now considered stuffy and out-of-date.

LORELAI

Like what?

EMILY

Like canapés and cocktail parties and the people who plan them.

LORELAI

Mom, what are you talking about?

EMILY

Nothing. It's not important.

LORELAI

Mom, come on.

EMILY

Jason decided to take the clients to Atlantic City instead. He thinks that's what they would prefer to do. He's probably right anyhow. What do I know?

LORELAI

Did he know all the work you put into this?

EMILY

It's really not important, Lorelai. I do this for your father. I have done this for your father for the last 36 years. If he thinks that Jason's right, then it's fine with me. And after all, now I don't have to worry about a party. I can just relax and hang out.

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

Anyhow, I have to go. I'm wasting all my hanging-out time sitting here talking about this silly party. Send me those receipts and I'll get you a check.

LORELAI

Okay, well, great.

EMILY

Apologize to Sookie for me, will you?

LORELAI

Sure.

EMILY

We'll see you girls Friday night.

LULU

[laughs] Oh, my gosh, that's so funny. That's amazing, you sound just like him.

KIRK

Luke.

LUKE

[startled] Jeez! Kirk, what are you doing?

KIRK

I need your help.

LUKE

I'm filling the coffee here.

KIRK

Look behind me.

LUKE

What am I looking at, Kirk?

KIRK

Is she still there?

LUKE

Who?

KIRK

Lulu. Is Lulu still there?

LUKE

You mean your date?

KIRK

Yes, Lulu, my date. Who else would I mean? Catch up, man. Time is of the essence.

LUKE

Yes, she's still there.

KIRK

Are you sure?

LUKE

Yes, I'm sure, now get out from behind my counter.

KIRK

I don't know what to do.

LUKE

What are you talking about? I just looked over there and everything seemed fine.

KIRK

Exactly. Everything seemed fine.

LUKE

So?

KIRK

Doesn't that seem weird to you?

LUKE

No.

KIRK

Really?

LUKE

Yes, a little, but so what? Why question it? Go back over there.

KIRK

I can't. I don't understand what's happening. I mean, she was looking at me. Directly at me. At first I thought I had something on my lip, but I brushed and brushed and nothing. She was just looking at me.

LUKE

Well, that's good.

KIRK

And I have prepared several small-talk subjects for the evening and I haven't used one of them.

LUKE

You're making too much of this.

KIRK

This is not how it's supposed to go. I'm supposed to take her out, we're supposed to exhaust my prepared subjects immediately, and then the minute I get up and go to the bathroom, she is supposed to sneak out and leave me here humiliated. Now I have been to the bathroom three times, and I have to tell you, I did not have to go, and every time I came back to the table, she was there and she was smiling, and... hey, did you see her touch my arm? What the hell was that all about?

LUKE

I think that means she likes you.

KIRK

Shut up! You take that back!

LUKE

Kirk, Kirk, I am not gonna fight with you over you not believing that this girl likes you because, to be honest with you, I'm a little fuzzy on the "why" myself, but the bottom line is she does.

KIRK

She does?

LUKE

Yes, she's laughing and smiling, and buckle up, cowboy, because I think she might actually touch you again.

KIRK

You think?

LUKE

There's a frightening chance she might, so my advice to you is to go back over there and continue doing what you've been doing.

KIRK

I was doing my Jon Cryer from "Pretty in Pink" impression.

LUKE

Duckie?

KIRK

Yes, Duckie.

LUKE

Were you near the end of the movie yet?

KIRK

No, just getting to the "Try a Little Tenderness" moment.

LUKE

You've got plenty of ammo left. Go on. Go back over there.

KIRK

You think she likes me?

LUKE

I think she likes you.

KIRK

You think she likes me.

LUKE

God help us one and all.

LORELAI

[on phone] Uh, no, just leave another message that I called. Thank you. [hangs up]

SOOKIE

Number 42, see ya.

LORELAI

You don't have to throw them all out, Sookie.

SOOKIE

I didn't. I've got twenty in the freezer.

LORELAI

Great.

SOOKIE

And so do you.

LORELAI

Even better.

SOOKIE

I already had that money spent. It was going towards a down payment on a safer car. Now little Davey will have to fend for himself rolling around in the back of Daddy's truck.

RORY

[entering the house] Mom?

LORELAI

Kitchen.

SOOKIE

"Hold on, Davey! Daddy's coming to a sudden stop."

LORELAI

You're being dramatic.

SOOKIE

But I'm so disappointed. I mean, all that planning, all that time, all that broccoli.

RORY

I lost my tree.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

My tree, my study tree - it's gone. Someone stole it.

SOOKIE

Someone stole a tree?

RORY

No, the tree's still there, but when I went there today, there was this guy sitting there reading trucking magazines and he would not give it up, so now I'm back where I started.

LORELAI

You'll figure something out.

RORY

Yes, I will figure out what my alternate profession will be because now I can't study, I'm gonna flunk out of Yale and I'm gonna have to give up all hope of being a foreign correspondent. This sucks.

SOOKIE

You're telling me? I'm eating broccoli tarts for the next four years.

RORY

Well, what am I gonna do?

LORELAI

You are gonna suck it up.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

You're in college now, Rory. If your study plan doesn't work, then come up with another one. Just figure it out, but stop complaining because you're not two. And Sookie, in pioneer times, kids traveled across the country in covered wagons and survived. Somehow I think little Davey will live without his minivan.

RORY

Mom, why are you mad?

LORELAI

I have something I have to do. I'll be back in a little while. And have these damn tarts out of here by the time I get home!

SOOKIE

Grab a fork.

LORELAI

Well, hello, Digger Stiles.

JASON

Lorelai Gilmore, you sure grew up good.

LORELAI

Oh, did I, Digger? Thanks. Listen, why didn't you return my calls?

JASON

'Cause I hadn't seen you yet.

LORELAI

Four times. You never called me back.

JASON

I'll call you back now. What's your number?

LORELAI

976-bite-me.

JASON

Okay, did you get that, Ms. Lomay? Because I know how much you like having numbers in your files.

LORELAI

We need to talk.

JASON

In my office?

LORELAI

Great.

JASON

[to his secretary] You know what? You can go.

SECRETARY

All right. Goodnight, Mr. Stiles.

JASON

Goodnight. [to Lorelai] Would you like something to drink?

LORELAI

Oh, no, thanks.

JASON

So how you been?

LORELAI

Great. You?

JASON

No complaints.

LORELAI

Okay, small talk over. I want you to know something - you can't just waltz into people's lives and take over.

JASON

I don't waltz at all. It's embarrassing and a little gay.

LORELAI

You know, people were hired for this party, people who were counting on this money.

JASON

What party?

LORELAI

Launch party.

JASON

Oh, that.

LORELAI

Yes, that. And I want to tell you something else - my mother has been planning these stupid parties for years, and it was completely out of line for you to walk in there and just crap all over the whole thing and make her feel obsolete and useless.

JASON

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there. I never knew about the party. They never told me about the party.

LORELAI

Well, of course they never told you about the party because they're inconsiderate and self-centered, and they have been that way for many years, so they have dibs. But the minute you found out about the party, you should have canceled your plans.

JASON

It was too late for that. And I never called your mother obsolete, I just called cocktail parties obsolete.

LORELAI

Same thing.

JASON

I don't see how.

LORELAI

Jason, my mother is a corporate wife. Her job is putting these parties on, and you put her out of work. You know that, your mother does the same thing. Imagine if you took these functions away from her. What would she have left?

JASON

More time with the pool boy?

LORELAI

You embarrassed my mother and made her feel small. You unceremoniously canceled something she had been working on for days.

JASON

But I didn't know.

LORELAI

And then she had to come to my house and fire me!

JASON

Fire you? Why would she fire you?

LORELAI

Because I was the caterer.

JASON

Get out of town!

LORELAI

Yes, I have a partner in a small catering company.

JASON

You cook?

LORELAI

I plan.

JASON

Well, I had no idea how much chaos my little weekend was causing.

LORELAI

No, you didn't, because you didn't think. You never thought. Back in summer camp, you never thought. "Hey, if I stand up in this canoe, maybe it'll tip over." That was the extent of your thought process.

JASON

You're still mad about that.

LORELAI

I was fully dressed.

JASON

I remember - green T-shirt, no bra.

LORELAI

What?

JASON

Trust me, I was the hero of cabin five for the rest of the summer.

LORELAI

You will apologize to my mother.

JASON

Absolutely.

LORELAI

And you will let her throw that party.

JASON

Sorry.

LORELAI

Digger!

JASON

Umlauts! The party is off. Now this is business. I will apologize to Emily, but that is the best I can do.

LORELAI

I can't believe you just called me Umlauts.

JASON

You called me Digger three times before I called you Umlauts once. I think that shows great self-control.

LORELAI

Let my mother have her party!

JASON

No, I can't do it, but what I can do is take you out to dinner tomorrow night.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, how do those two thoughts even coincide?

JASON

You'd have to be in my head, but trust me, there was a track.

LORELAI

I am not having dinner with you.

JASON

Why not?

LORELAI

Because you just had me fired. You just insulted my mother.

JASON

It's interesting, I didn't know you and your mother were so close.

LORELAI

We're not.

JASON

You're being awfully protective of her.

LORELAI

Well, every family has a Fredo.

JASON

Yeah, and Fredo's family put two in the back of his head.

LORELAI

My relationship with my mother is none of your business.

JASON

Then have dinner with me.

LORELAI

No!

JASON

Why not?

LORELAI

Because.

JASON

Because your mother would hate it.

LORELAI

Yes, my mother would hate it. A lot. You suck.

RORY

Excuse me. Remember me?

GUY

I got here first.

RORY

I know. Look, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about the other day. I got a little wound up because I do that sometimes. I get too structured and too serious and I just have to adjust, you know, because we're in college and college is about change, and you have my study tree, so yeah, I just... I have to be okay with that and just learn to kind of go with the flow. So I just wanted to tell you that, and I'm sorry if I interrupted you again.

GUY

That's okay.

RORY

I'll give you twenty bucks for the tree.

GUY

You're gonna pay me for the tree?

RORY

Go with the flow, man.

GUY

You're on.