T4E7: “The Festival of Living Art”

LORELAI

Morning.

RORY

Morning.

LORELAI

Hey, would you be horrified if I started clipping coupons again?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Oh, well, then, I won't.

RORY

Wait, did you say again?

LORELAI

I meant ever.

RORY

When did you clip coupons before?

LORELAI

I didn't. I misspoke. Whoops.

RORY

Uh huh.

LORELAI

Hey, how is it that your dirty laundry has increased exponentially since you started Yale?

RORY

'Cause I'm a dirty, filthy Yale girl now. [she grabs the page of coupons from the table]

LORELAI

I told you I'm not gonna clip them!

RORY

Then I don't see the problem.

LORELAI

Just for the Fig Newtons, please!

RORY

Whoa! That is -

LORELAI

Sucks.

RORY

That is totally sucks. And they're like on their two hundredth guitarist audition.

LORELAI

Well, they must be down to the deaf, dumb, and blind ones. Ah, he found it.

RORY

Found what?

LORELAI

The lost chord.

RORY

So, the washer's broken.

LORELAI

Yup.

RORY

You didn't mention that when you saw me walk out with my exponential amounts of laundry.

LORELAI

Sorry.

RORY

Or when I called from Yale to say that I had exponential amounts of laundry to do.

LORELAI

You've totally co-opted my word.

RORY

Okay, plethora - that's my word. I have a plethora of dirty laundry and nowhere to do it.

LORELAI

But you don't come home to do your laundry. You come home to see your mama.

RORY

No, this time I came home to do my laundry.

LORELAI

All right. I'll call the repairman A.S.A.P.

RORY

Hey, you hear that?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

No music.

LORELAI

And the band stopped playing, too.

RORY

Hi, Lane.

LORELAI

How's it going there?

RORY

You think she can hear us?

LORELAI

I think out of self-defense her ears have become vestigial organs.

LORELAI

I'm not clipping coupons!

RORY

Then I don't see the problem.

LORELAI

Ha.

LORELAI

Hey, it's your friendly neighborhood Lorelai.

SOOKIE

I'm in the kitchen!

LORELAI

Good morning.

BEAU

Is it?

SOOKIE

Just spreading that love and sunshine around, huh, buddy? Lorelai, this is Beau, Jackson's brother. Beau, this is our friend Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hi.

BEAU

Hm.

SOOKIE

Come on. Let's leave Oscar Wilde here to his reading.

LORELAI

What's with the 'tude?

SOOKIE

Jackson asked Beau to be here for the birth.

LORELAI

Uh huh.

SOOKIE

Which was supposed to happen a week ago.

LORELAI

Uh huh.

SOOKIE

So Beau's missing way more work than he thought he would, and he's letting me know it.

LORELAI

Yeah, it would be nice if God gave us women a pop-up thing when a baby's done like on a turkey, but he chose not to. Hey, Jackson.

JACKSON

Hi. This extra time is great, huh? I'm getting so much done.

SOOKIE

I know. I'm still storing meals. I've got two weeks worth.

BEAU

Hey, Jackson?

JACKSON

Yeah, Beau?

BEAU

What day is it today?

JACKSON

It's Saturday, Beau.

BEAU

I get time and a half on Saturdays.

JACKSON

Uh huh.

BEAU

It gets me my fun things. Otherwise, it's all just bill paying.

JACKSON

[to Sookie] Have I apologized to you enough?

SOOKIE

Yes, Daddy, you have.

JACKSON

So, I got the plastic sheet on the bed. It fits perfectly.

SOOKIE

Excellent.

LORELAI

What's that for?

JACKSON

She doesn't know?

LORELAI

Know about what?

SOOKIE

You ready? This is big. It's really good, and I want you to slowly drink it in. No big gulps.

LORELAI

I'm ready to take a sip.

SOOKIE

We're skipping the hospital and having the baby here.

LORELAI

Here in your house?

SOOKIE

In our bed.

LORELAI

Hence the sheet.

JACKSON

Got a honey of a sheet. It's the top of the line. The little thing will come out and carom right down into the catcher's arms.

LORELAI

While we all yell, "hey, batter, batter, batter"?

SOOKIE

He means the midwife. Got the best one on the eastern seaboard.

JACKSON

You look mystified.

LORELAI

No, it's just... uh, you guys have done a lot of research on this, right?

SOOKIE

Millions of babies have been born this way.

JACKSON

It's a great tradition.

SOOKIE

And hospitals are so cold, you know, so full of infections.

JACKSON

And dead people.

SOOKIE

And sometimes the dead people have infections.

JACKSON

And if they're not dead yet, they die.

LORELAI

All true.

JACKSON

But the best thing about having little Davey or Colgate here - zero chance of bringing home the wrong baby. What comes out of her here, stays here. Oh, I got something for you. [hands Lorelai a pager] It's a baby pager. It'll go off when Sookie's close.

LORELAI

Oh, cute.

JACKSON

Scott Joplin seemed appropriately sunny.

SOOKIE

I want you to be here even if home birth disgusts you.

LORELAI

Of course I'll be here. Nothing could keep me away.

JACKSON

Ohh! Extra buckets - I gotta put it on the list.

LORELAI

Extra buckets? What's that... hm. Never mind.

KIRK

Excuse me. Can my girlfriend and I sit here? This is my girlfriend.

LULU

Hi.

MAN

Hi.

KIRK

My girlfriend and I appreciate it.

LULU

Yes, thank you.

KIRK

I got a pretty polite girlfriend.

BABETTE

Should we be nervous about this?

ANDREW

I don't know. Did Taylor tell anyone why he called an emergency meeting?

KIRK

He said nothing to me or my girlfriend.

MISS PATTY

I can't remember the last town emergency meeting he called.

KIRK

Me and my girlfriend can't either.

RORY

Home birth?

LORELAI

I was horrified and I hid it horribly. I wanted to be supportive but throw up at the same time.

RORY

A plastic sheet?

LORELAI

I saw it. It was the same one that boy who couldn't hold it had to use in that after-school special. What was that called?

RORY

"It's Not Benny's Fault."

LORELAI

Oh, God. It was so insane. It's what hospitals are for.

KIRK

Hey, Lane, there's a seat behind my girlfriend.

LANE

That's okay, Kirk. Hi.

LORELAI

Hi.

RORY

Hey.

LANE

Get this. I just found the most amazing guitarist - a phenom. He was cool on the phone, and we're meeting him tomorrow.

RORY

That's great.

LANE

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I've already figured out that our Spin cover should be against a bloodred backdrop with a skull hovering over us.

LORELAI

Oh, well, very Norman Rockwell.

RORY

That woman's staring at me.

LORELAI

Oh, Mrs. Van-uppity? Well, maybe you're just her type.

TAYLOR

People, thank you for assembling on such short notice.

BABETTE

What's up, Taylor?

KIRK

My girlfriend was wondering that, too.

TAYLOR

As you know, every year, one lucky town in Connecticut gets to host "The Festival of Living Pictures," a show which presents onstage recreations of famous works of art - statues, paintings, et cetera, with real people posing as the figures in the art. We hosted it seven years ago - successfully, I might add.

BABETTE

Yeah, it was a blast.

LORELAI

Definitely.

KIRK

My girlfriend's gonna love this.

TAYLOR

The town of Woodbury was supposed to host it this year, but because of recent flooding, they canceled at the last minute, and I offered Stars Hollow to be the host. How does that sound?

RORY

Cool.

BABETTE

Yeah, sign us up.

MISS PATTY

Yeah, Taylor, you finally did something right. Your beard is so sexy.

ANDREW

How much time do we have?

TAYLOR

One week. And as per tradition, we need to come up with one original recreation to go with all the others that are in the show every year.

MISS PATTY

Well, that's not a lot of time.

LORELAI

Yeah, Taylor, is it even possible?

TAYLOR

Well, it'll have to be. I've already assured Hank, who is the Taylor Doose of Woodbury, that we'd take it over successfully. It's a challenge, people, but doable. Now, I would like to introduce you to a key player in our execution of this endeavor, the head of the Connecticut Arts Council, Buff Otis.

LORELAI

Hey, it's your future wife.

RORY

Shut up.

TAYLOR

Would you like to say a few words, Mrs. Otis?

MRS. OTIS

Your enthusiasm... shocks me.

LORELAI

Is that good?

RORY

Hard to tell.

LANE

It might be.

BABETTE

Scary broad.

TAYLOR

I will be managing the event and emceeing. Uh, Miss Patty, you will be stage-managing. Uh, Lorelai, if you could help organize the costumes?

LORELAI

I'm here for you and your sexy beard, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Um, everyone should sign up now if you want to be considered to be cast in one of the recreations. Mrs. Otis and I will make the final decisions.

BABETTE

Hey, you're gonna be the girl in that Renoir painting again, right? You were such a doll in that.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm sure I can be persuaded.

TAYLOR

This is an enormous challenge, people, but I say we do it and do it well. Meeting adjourned.

LORELAI

Wait.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

I want to see if she asks you out.

RORY

Ugh.

LORELAI

I wonder if I want to be something other than the Renoir girl.

RORY

I'm sorry, the audience has come to expect you in the role of Renoir girl. You can't disappoint them. It's a plum role.

LORELAI

True, true.

LUKE

Sorry I took so long. I was dealing with more divorce-lawyer stuff.

LORELAI

Good Lord, is Nicole's lawyer still harassing you?

LUKE

No, mine was. And please don't point out the irony of my paying a lawyer to work for me.

LORELAI

Okay, but then you're gonna owe me something else I can ironically comment on.

LUKE

Fine. Hey, what was that emergency meeting all about?

RORY

We're hosting "The Festival of Living Pictures" again.

LUKE

Oh, joy.

LORELAI

His lack of enthusiasm shocks me.

LUKE

You're involving yourself in this thing? It's such a stupid waste of time.

LORELAI

I just thought of the perfect painting for Luke to be in. "Cranky Guy in Baseball Cap."

RORY

Was that Manet or Monet?

LORELAI

That was mustard on my hamburger and a side of fries, please.

RORY

She's the queen of segues.

LUKE

She's the queen of something. You want your usual?

RORY

Yes, please. Maybe I'll just be a backstage person this year. There's less pressure. You don't have to get made up, and... [sees Taylor and Mrs. Otis staring at her through the diner window] What are they doing?

LORELAI

Well, I bet she's coming to -

RORY

Hey, and no more inappropriate lesbian references, please.

LORELAI

All right. Oh, you know what? I bet you're in line for the new painting they're cooking up.

RORY

I feel like a used car.

TAYLOR

Turn to the side.

RORY

What?

TAYLOR

Turn to the side. We need to see your profile.

LORELAI

Just what I thought.

RORY

This is a violation of my civil rights.

LORELAI

You better do what John Ashcroft says or they may just follow us home.

RORY

Unbelievable.

TAYLOR

Other way. Other way.

RORY

I'm a Yale student, for God's sake.

TAYLOR

Thank you.

RORY

Crazy, doofus town.

LORELAI

Yeah.

TAYLOR

Let's not loiter around the cast sheets, people. Find your name and then move on.

ANDREW

Oh, cool. I'm gonna be some statue.

TAYLOR

You're "The Reaper," Andrew - a prize work at Versailles and a prize role, not some statue.

ANDREW

So I get to be painted all white, huh?

TAYLOR

Yes, that's what that means.

LORELAI

Hi, Taylor. When are the costumes getting here?

TAYLOR

Hank in Woodbury swears they're en route, but you gotta double and triple-check with that guy.

LORELAI

Hank's the you in Woodbury.

TAYLOR

A real ninny. He's praying we don't pull this off, but that only inspires me to work harder.

KIRK

I need to see the list.

JOE

Watch the elbows, Kirk.

KIRK

I just need to see the list.

MISS PATTY

He's going to be very happy.

KIRK

Woohoo!

LORELAI

What'd you get, Kirk?

KIRK

Christ in "The Last Supper."

LORELAI

The big kahuna.

KIRK

I'm gonna do it right, too. Lots of research. What's a good book to read?

LORELAI

Uh, the bible?

KIRK

Right. Yo, where are my apostles? Where are my homeboys? James, son of Alpheus, give me five.

JOE

All right.

KIRK

Simon, the Canaanite, don't leave me hanging. I say we go celebrate. How 'bout Shakey's?

MAN

All right.

JOE

Cool.

MISS PATTY

That is one happy Christ.

LORELAI

Oh, well, it was nice of you guys to give him that.

MISS PATTY

Oh, I wanted to show you this. It's our original picture. Well, we think Rory would be perfect for it. It's called "Portrait of a Young Girl Named Anthea."

LORELAI

Wow, that's Rory.

MISS PATTY

Do you think she'll do it?

LORELAI

Well, you got some sway with me.

MISS PATTY

Good, good.

LORELAI

Okay, I'm confused.

MISS PATTY

I should go make my calls.

LORELAI

I'm not the, uh, Renoir girl.

MISS PATTY

Oh, really? I didn't realize that...

LORELAI

Patty, I'm the spitting image of the Renoir girl. I played her seven years ago and received the proper accolades. This is a mistake.

MISS PATTY

Maybe.

LORELAI

Um, Taylor?

TAYLOR

Yes, Lorelai?

LORELAI

I'm not listed as the Renoir girl. Is that a mistake?

TAYLOR

Frankly, no, it's not.

LORELAI

Okay, I'm not listed as anything else, either.

TAYLOR

That's also correct. You'll be helping with costumes.

LORELAI

I don't get it. Why am I not the Renoir girl? I'm the spitting image.

TAYLOR

You are. Your look is perfect.

LORELAI

Then why am I not the Renoir girl?

TAYLOR

I really have to tell you why?

LORELAI

Yes, you do.

TAYLOR

You flinched.

LORELAI

I what?

TAYLOR

Seven years ago, the curtain opened. You were posed in the painting, then you flinched noticeably.

LORELAI

I did not flinch.

TAYLOR

We thought you were having an attack.

LORELAI

I did not flinch!

TAYLOR

You almost knocked Terrence over.

LORELAI

I did not!

TAYLOR

The whole town saw it. And with Hank from Woodbury looking over my shoulder, I'm not taking any risks.

LORELAI

Patty, please, back me up here.

MISS PATTY

Oh, honey, I'm sorry, you flinched!

TAYLOR

Big-time.

MISS PATTY

You almost knocked Terrence over.

TAYLOR

Yeah, you screwed the pooch, so you're out. I'm sorry.

MISS PATTY

So, you'll ask Rory about the painting?

LORELAI

It's humiliating!

RORY

You and the Renoir girl - it was a lock.

LORELAI

Yeah, until this smear campaign. There's a lot of tension in the air here.

RORY

Well, it's midterms.

LORELAI

You seem calm.

RORY

Well, on the outside. Is this what you're using, Dream Fresh laundry powder?

LORELAI

It's a new brand.

RORY

It's an off-brand.

LORELAI

It leaves your clothes with that Dream-Fresh scent.

RORY

You used a coupon, didn't you?

LORELAI

Thirty-five cents off or not, I still would have chosen Dream Fresh.

RORY

So, who'd they pick for the Renoir girl?

LORELAI

Carol Dandridge.

RORY

Carol Dandridge?

LORELAI

Carol Dandruff from now on!

RORY

Okay, now, don't take it out on poor Carol. It's not like she lobbied for it.

LORELAI

I bet she did. That would be just like that old porky, doody-dridge.

RORY

Oh, wow. You're really bummed about this, aren't you?

LORELAI

On the outside, I am a mature adult who's able to put setbacks like this in their proper place, and on the inside, I just wanna wear that pretty dress again!

RORY

You will.

LORELAI

Yeah, if a brick lands on Taylor's head and he suddenly likes me again. Ooh, a brick.

RORY

You don't need a brick. You have me. I'll take care of it.

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

RORY

You are going to be the Renoir girl - end of story.

LORELAI

How?

RORY

Well, if they want an Anthea for "Portrait of a Young Girl Named Anthea," then they're going to have to have you for the Renoir girl.

LORELAI

Well, look at you folding your laundry all haughty and powerful.

RORY

Bada-bing all over his nice ivy-league suit.

LORELAI

Rory, you couldn't do that. Come on. It would be embarrassing, it would be manipulative, and can you do it tonight?

RORY

I think I'll wait until the Anthea costume is perfectly fitted to my specifications. Then we won't have no surprises.

LORELAI

I am in awe.

RORY

Pass me the Dream Fresh?

LORELAI

I wouldn't dare not to.

LANE

I don't know about you, but I'm completely jazzed about this.

ZACH

This is the first time I've been excited about playing since Dave.

BRIAN

If he's half as good as this tape, I'm gonna plotz.

LANE

Can we help you?

GIL

Yeah, I'm looking for Lane.

LANE

I'm Lane.

GIL

Am I late?

LANE

For?

GIL

The audition.

LANE

For?

GIL

I'm Gil!

ZACH

Gil.

BRIAN

Gil.

LANE

Gil. No, you're right on time. Come on in.

GIL

Primo space.

ZACH

Yeah.

BRIAN

Primo.

GIL

How you guys doin'?

BRIAN

I'm Brian.

ZACH

Zach.

GIL

Where do you guys want me?

LANE

Uh, right there's good.

GIL

Cool.

LORELAI

How's your research coming along, Kirk?

KIRK

Good, although I got off to a slow start. I didn't realize Jesus wasn't in the Old Testament 'til I hit page 368.

LORELAI

Hey, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Hello.

LORELAI

I took a quick survey of the costumes. Looks like everything's here and accounted for.

TAYLOR

And the Renoir girl dress still fits you?

LORELAI

Like a glove.

TAYLOR

So help me, if you make me look bad in front of Hank from Woodbury, there is gonna be hell to pay. Sorry.

TROUBADOUR

Hey, I'm here for a fitting.

LORELAI

Oh, well, you've come to the right place. What are you in?

TROUBADOUR

"The Last Supper."

KIRK

Oh, you must be one of my missing apostles. Still haven't met them all. I'm Christ.

TROUBADOUR

It's gonna be a lot of fun, huh?

KIRK

Definitely. Which apostle are you?

TROUBADOUR

Judas.

KIRK

Judas.

TROUBADOUR

So, uh, where do I go for my fitting?

KIRK

Oh, I think you know where you're going, pal.

LORELAI

Right through that flap. I'll meet you back there.

TROUBADOUR

Thanks. So I heard you and all the apostles are going to Shakey's later.

KIRK

You heard wrong, friend. We're not going to Shakey's.

TROUBADOUR

Oh, okay. Well, maybe some other time.

KIRK

Yeah, some other time.

GIL

Man, you guys are fantastic!

ZACH

Uh, yeah, you, too.

BRIAN

Yeah.

LANE

Really good, Gil.

GIL

I mean it's tight, you know. It feels right.

LANE

Definitely.

ZACH

It's got a feel that...

LANE

Feels right.

BRIAN

Yeah.

GIL

You want to do another one?

LANE

Sure.

GIL

Just give me one minute to call work. I own a sandwich shop in Salisbury and I gotta check in every once in a while or it's chaos. I'll be right back. Awesome, guys! Really!

LANE

Back at ya!

ZACH

Whoa.

LANE

Yeah.

BRIAN

He's... he's...

ZACH

Old. Just say it, dude. Grandpa's old.

LANE

He's not a grandpa.

BRIAN

Did you know how old he was?

LANE

He sounded young on the phone.

ZACH

Right here, he's got some lines. That blows my mind.

BRIAN

What is he, late thirties?

ZACH

Approaching forty.

LANE

Forty?

BRIAN

He was alive before man walked on the moon.

ZACH

Don't do that, man. You're freaking me out.

LANE

Let's not be over-dramatic, guys. I mean, he is an incredible guitarist.

ZACH

He's had a lot of time to practice.

BRIAN

And the bicentennial - he was alive for that.

LANE

This is the best we've sounded since Dave, and he's really -

ZACH

Elderly.

LANE

Excited.

BRIAN

He was our age when we were born.

LANE

He thinks we're great

BRIAN

There were no cd's when he was born.

ZACH

Stop it, man. I mean it.

LANE

Maybe there's a way to offset his oldness. Put a hat on him. Dress him up like Angus Young in AC/DC - that schoolboy outfit.

BRIAN

He could have seen AC/DC with their original lead singer.

ZACH

And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old.

LANE

You want to stop the audition?

BRIAN

We shouldn't be rude.

LANE

Good.

ZACH

Fine, we'll keep going, but remember, any new member has to be approved by all of us. So one vote against, and he's back at bingo.

LANE

I know.

GIL

[on phone] Cindy knows where the extra prosciutto is, Kevin. Ask her. Come on, I've told you before, when I'm not there, Cindy is me, okay? I'll check in later. Bye. [hangs up] Kids, man. In one ear and out the other. Okay, come on. Let's rock!

LORELAI

Hey.

JACKSON

Hi.

LORELAI

Ooh, balloons! Sad, little, droopy balloons.

JACKSON

We got 'em too soon.

LORELAI

Oh. Hey, you feeling okay?

SOOKIE

Fine. Bruce just suggested a little afternoon rest.

LORELAI

Bruce? Who's he?

JACKSON

She.

SOOKIE

It's a last name.

LORELAI

Who's she?

JACKSON

Best midwife on the eastern seaboard.

LORELAI

Ah.

BEAU

[on phone] Uh-huh. So it's gonna be another fifty bucks to change the flight again? That's six and a half hours take-home after taxes, disability, and FICA.

SOOKIE

And the Oscar for biggest blubber baby goes to...

BEAU

[on phone] No, no, go ahead. Put me down for it. I got no choice. Thanks. [hangs up] She sounded hot.

SOOKIE

Hey, Beau, why don't you go take a little walk? You know, go do something.

JACKSON

Yeah, good idea.

BEAU

But there's nothing to do in this hick town, not like back in Bogalusa.

JACKSON

Hey, Beau, why don't you come help me pick the zucchini in the back? I got a couple of giant Miracle Gro ones out there. Huh? It'll tickle you.

BEAU

That might be something.

LORELAI

Wow, you can cut the sexual tension with a knife.

SOOKIE

Ugh! Don't joke.

BRUCE

The bedroom is now prepared for the baby. Your husband tried, but he screwed up, so I fixed it.

SOOKIE

Thank you, Bruce.

BRUCE

There's someone new here.

SOOKIE

Oh, Bruce, this is my best friend I was telling you about, Lorelai.

BRUCE

Hello.

LORELAI

Hi, oh, hey. I heard you were the, uh, best midwife on the eastern seaboard. May I call you Bruce?

BRUCE

Everyone does.

LORELAI

Then I will call you Bruce.

BRUCE

You're anti-midwife.

LORELAI

Pardon me?

BRUCE

There's anti-midwife energy in this room and it wasn't here when I left it.

LORELAI

Oh, well, it's not coming from me.

SOOKIE

Yeah, Bruce, Lorelai is pro-you, all the way.

BRUCE

Uh huh. I'll be in the bedroom.

LORELAI

Uh, wow, that woman's got strong hands.

SOOKIE

She ate a whole jar of crunchy peanut butter in one sitting.

LORELAI

I would want a woman just like that yanking the baby out of me.

BRUCE

Please lay on your side, Sookie.

SOOKIE

Yeah, sorry. This is the position I'm going to be in for the baby. She wants me to get used to it.

BRUCE

Less tearing this way.

LORELAI

Ohh, smack that image right out of my head.

BRUCE

I beg your pardon?

SOOKIE

Hey, you know, Bruce spent two years in China educating poor villagers on female issues.

LORELAI

Oh, I hear they got great Chinese food there.

SOOKIE

A card.

BRUCE

You're the friend who's going to be there, right?

LORELAI

With rings on my fingers and bells on my toes.

BRUCE

You'll leave the negativity at home?

LORELAI

Bruce, I swear, I am Miss Positivity.

BRUCE

Uh huh.

LORELAI

I swear, I am not anti-midwife. I mean, that would be as dumb as being, I don't know, anti-best friend. Don't you think?

BRUCE

Uh huh.

BEAU

You're the one who asked me out to pick zucchinis.

JACKSON

Right. Pick them, not kick them.

BEAU

You used to be fun. Now you're just a big-city phony.

BRUCE

Beau!

BEAU

Huh?

BRUCE

What did I say before?

BEAU

I wasn't listening.

BRUCE

The baby will come when the baby comes. We're all here to serve the baby. Jackson!

JACKSON

What?

BRUCE

How are you serving the baby?

JACKSON

I could go get more balloons?

BRUCE

Good. And, Beau, how are you serving the baby?

BEAU

I could help Jackson with balloons.

BRUCE

You need two men for that?

BEAU

I could get... I could get flowers.

BRUCE

Good!

JACKSON

Okay, we're going to get balloons and flowers.

LORELAI

She didn't give me any instructions.

SOOKIE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Should I move?

SOOKIE

I wouldn't yet.

SOOKIE

This is nice.

LORELAI

It is a beautiful day.

SOOKIE

Good suggestion.

LORELAI

You think Bruce was just trying to get rid of us?

SOOKIE

You, yes. But Bruce is there for the baby, and I've got the baby.

LORELAI

Have you checked that recently?

SOOKIE

What?

LORELAI

Are you sure she hasn't taken the baby and shoved a pillow under there when you weren't looking?

ANDREW

Oh my God!

SOOKIE

What?

ANDREW

You haven't popped yet.

SOOKIE

Not yet.

ANDREW

It's like an elephant's gestation.

SOOKIE

Thanks for the very welcome perspective on that, Andrew.

LORELAI

Hey, how's the research going, Kirk?

KIRK

Good. I'm using the clothing to get into character and I've been focusing on historical foods. Christ ate a lot of lentils.

LORELAI

No utensils back then?

KIRK

No, they had utensils.

TAYLOR

This is a disaster, an unmitigated disaster!

LORELAI

What happened?

TAYLOR

We're missing half the table for "The Last Supper."

LORELAI

Drag.

TAYLOR

This is Hank from Woodbury's doing. That little fink only shipped half the table on purpose.

MISS PATTY

No, I just talked to him, Taylor, and he swears he shipped everything they had.

LORELAI

Well, let's think here. There's gotta be a way to do this.

SOOKIE

Just add a card table to the end or some TV trays. It'll be like a funky Last Supper.

TAYLOR

"The Last Supper" cannot be funky.

MISS PATTY

Or we could just make do with what we have and crowd all the apostles around it.

ANDREW

Or eliminate some of the apostles.

TAYLOR

This is not going to work. I think we're just gonna have to throw in the towel.

MISS PATTY

Well, I think you might be right, Taylor. This just might be a sign to pack it in.

ANDREW

So no festival?

TAYLOR

No festival.

SOOKIE

I have to keep moving.

TAYLOR

Okay, start packing it up, people.

KIRK

You would fold?

TAYLOR

What was that, Kirk?

KIRK

You would fold due simply to hardship?

TAYLOR

Not now, Kirk. Uh, keep everything where it is, guys. No reason to unload it just to load it again.

KIRK

Would you follow blind guides which strain at a gnat and swallow a camel?

MISS PATTY

Oh, that's your blood sugar talking, sweetie. Eat a candy bar.

KIRK

This is but a crisis of faith.

TAYLOR

I said not now, Kirk.

ANDREW

Let him talk. What's the harm?

KIRK

When the road to your destination is revealed to be long and dusty, is your destination's value so diminished?

TAYLOR

Well, I suppose not, but still -

KIRK

If a storm mars your camp for the night, is it wise to search for high ground or hold your camp 'til the light of new day?

MISS PATTY

Well, it's something to think about.

KIRK

A crisis of faith can be delivered, but one must believe to be delivered.

LUKE

No way am I building that table out for them, no way.

LORELAI

Anyone ask you to, Jose?

LUKE

Nope, but they're going to.

LORELAI

They'll just get Tom to do it.

LUKE

The contractor? No, he's too busy with his own stuff. You having twins?

SOOKIE

No.

LUKE

You sure?

SOOKIE

Uh, let me think about it for another millisecond - no!

LUKE

It looks like you're having twins.

SOOKIE

You're gonna make me fall in love with you, Luke.

LUKE

It would take me hours.

LORELAI

What would?

LUKE

The table. It's gotta be built out in forced perspective. It's complicated.

LORELAI

Throw a stick and you can find someone to fix that table.

LUKE

So grab a stick and throw it because I'm not doing it.

LORELAI

No one asked you to.

LUKE

Not yet.

SOOKIE

I'm hungry. Let's get something.

LORELAI

Whoa, check out the group. There might be loaves and fishes.

SOOKIE

Hm. I had fish last night.

KIRK

...Do not heed the naysayers. They will not lead you down the proper road.

BABETTE

Hey, Rory. Dig the sounds coming from that garage.

RORY

They sound amazing.

BABETTE

I was over there before. That new guitarist - yum yum, like a long-haired cake.

RORY

Sounds like a winner.

BABETTE

You gonna check him out?

RORY

Yeah, Lane called and asked me to come down and drink in the whole picture.

BABETTE

Well, I got dibs on the new hunk. Rrrr!

GIL

Really tight, guys, but it's getting late. I gotta go.

ZACH

Go rest.

LANE

Hey, uh, Gil, this is my friend Rory. It's her house.

RORY

Hey, you guys sound great.

GIL

Don't you think? These guys are gonna be as good as Pink Floyd.

ZACH

Nice topical reference.

GIL

Well, Lane, you got my number?

LANE

Yeah, Gil, I've got your number.

GIL

Great. So, we'll talk later?

LANE

We'll talk later.

GIL

Take it easy.

LANE

Bye.

LANE

Okay, Zach, shut up for a minute. I want to hear what Rory has to say. I didn't tell her what she was walking into, so she's our fresh eyes here.

RORY

He's great.

ZACH

And...

RORY

Experienced. And, um, Babette thinks he's really cute, so she's got dibs, and, um, he moves great. The jump was cool.

ZACH

I was afraid he was gonna break a hip.

LANE

Well, he's our only prospect.

BRIAN

And maybe that schoolboy outfit's worth a shot.

LANE

Yeah?

ZACH

Look, you're all fooling yourselves here. Bottom line - dude rocks, but dude's too old. I vote "no."

LANE

Okay, I guess that's that, then.

ZACH

That's that.

LANE

And that could be that for the band.

ZACH

That could be that, too.

LANE

Okay.

LORELAI

Identify yourself!

SOOKIE

It's me!

LORELAI

Who?

SOOKIE

Me!

LORELAI

Sookie?

SOOKIE

It's not coming out!

LORELAI

My God, it's one in the morning.

SOOKIE

It's lodged in there! It's stuck, for God's sake! It's not coming out!

LORELAI

You're insane.

SOOKIE

And it's growing all the time, just getting bigger and bigger. I've forgotten what it's like not to be expanding. I'll get so huge, I'll be the fat guy in "Monty Python's Meaning of Life." I'll explode and slime the whole room. People could die.

LORELAI

Honey, sit down, wrap this around you.

SOOKIE

Ooh! That Andrew. I hate that he was right, that pasty-faced bastard!

LORELAI

Right about what?

SOOKIE

Oh, no, I can't sit.

LORELAI

Right about what?

SOOKIE

I looked up an elephant's gestation period - 22 months!

LORELAI

You're not an elephant.

SOOKIE

But Baby doesn't know that.

LORELAI

Why would Baby think you're an elephant?

SOOKIE

Because he's tiny and stupid and floating around in a sack of fluid. He doesn't know his butt from a hole in the ground.

LORELAI

What happened?

SOOKIE

You know, an elephant squirted me once at the zoo. Maybe it shot something on me - some kind of elephant-gestation juice.

LORELAI

Honey, I mean tonight. What happened? You were fine when I left you. Where did the freak-out come from?

SOOKIE

Are you listening? It's not coming out! The ship's too big and the bottle's too small!

LORELAI

You have to sit down and rest.

SOOKIE

For two hours, I've been doing everything I can to make it come out. I mean, I've jumped, jiggled, shimmied.

LORELAI

Add a feather boa and I could book you on the burlesque circuit.

SOOKIE

My pain is funny to you.

LORELAI

No, but you should not be hopscotching all around town trying to get the baby out. That's not how it works.

SOOKIE

This is my mother's fault. She fed me too much roughage as a kid. Bran and granola and rapini. And now my insides are all rough and grabby, and Davey can't work his way out of my sandpaper innards. I want booze. I want a Manhattan and a scotch and a beer and a Rob Roy and a sidecar. But I can't, and I'm mad about that. I want to give birth!

LORELAI

I would give you a hug if you would sit still for one second.

SOOKIE

Yours came out. How'd you get yours out?

LORELAI

I swallowed a map.

SOOKIE

Cut the freaking vagueness. Why is it you mothers don't want to pass down your wisdom to other mothers? You're selfish.

LORELAI

Please, stop jiggling.

SOOKIE

Not 'til I'm skinny.

LORELAI

All right, bouncy San Pedro, can I just show you something here?

SOOKIE

You can show me your sweet tokus as long as I can keep jiggling.

LORELAI

Fine, keep jiggling. I was just going through something, I thought you might be interested. It's from 1984.

SOOKIE

The book?

LORELAI

No, the year. It's my baby box. It's full of all these little things, mementos and stuff from the night Rory was born. I haven't taken it out in ages.

SOOKIE

Mine's not getting a box because mine's not coming out.

LORELAI

Mm. My walkman with the homemade compilation tape still in it. "99 Luft Balloons," some R.E.M., some Thompson Twins.

SOOKIE

I never cared for them.

LORELAI

The magazine I was reading that night, with a special feature on who's hotter - Andrew McCarthy or Emilio Estevez.

SOOKIE

They're both dogs.

LORELAI

My Bubblicious-gum necklace, my Chunky wrapper.

SOOKIE

Ooh, I do like the Chunky's. I'd like bourbon better, but I do like the Chunky's.

LORELAI

John's digits.

SOOKIE

John who?

LORELAI

He was volunteering at the hospital for high school credit. He said, "Call me when you get your figure back."

SOOKIE

Sweet-talker. And for me, it was always Emilio 'cause he was kind of nasty.

LORELAI

Same here. Rory's first jumper.

SOOKIE

Bananarama?

LORELAI

I made it out of one of my t-shirts. It was the first thing I ever made her - ever made, ever. It was post-Gilmore economy. Look how tiny.

SOOKIE

Tiny.

LORELAI

She was the most beautiful pink all over. She even smelled pink. That sounds weird. I can't describe it - that little, pink, baby smell. The first time her eyes focused on me and her little fingers reached out... I was someone new. She had me.

SOOKIE

Emilio.

LORELAI

Rory.

MISS PATTY

We're five minutes away from the starting gate, people. Five minutes.

RORY

Oh, my God, you guys look so cute. You know, it was just seven short years ago that I was a little Chinese acrobat just like you.

KID

You smell!

RORY

And we respected our elders when I was a little Chinese acrobat.

ANDREW

I hate kids.

KIRK

Lookin' good, lookin' good.

TROUBADOUR

Hey everybody, big night, huh? Hi, Kirk.

KIRK

Hello.

TROUBADOUR

Anyone sitting here?

KIRK

Yes. You have to go somewhere else.

TROUBADOUR

But Miss Patty said I -

KIRK

You have to go somewhere else!

TROUBADOUR

Okay.

KIRK

Perhaps there's an empty chair next to one of your friends, say, the high priest Caiaphas? Maybe he can accommodate you, hm?

TROUBADOUR

I guess so.

LORELAI

Hey, Rory, one of those little acrobat boys told me my breath smells stinky. They're running wild.

RORY

Acro-brats, I call them.

LORELAI

Ha, nice!

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

Got your ferret.

RORY

Oh, he looks mean.

LORELAI

Aw, I don't think there's any such thing as a friendly ferret and definitely not a cute one.

RORY

Yeah, they got dealt a rough card, those ferrets.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, art nouveau clock girl, hands off the face.

TAYLOR

What? Art nouveau clock girl touched her face? This place is bedlam.

MISS PATTY

Oh, relax, Taylor. We're right on schedule. Have a cigarette.

TAYLOR

I don't smoke.

MISS PATTY

Could you start?

LORELAI

Taylor, look, your cousin came to visit you backstage to say hello. [high-pitched voice] Oh, hello! What a pretty night it is for a festival! Do you have a mouse? I'm feeling a bit peckish.

TAYLOR

Put that down.

LORELAI

Just trying to lighten the mood.

TAYLOR

It's too late. That Hank from Woodbury is sitting front-row center just trying to psych me out.

LORELAI

Everybody's ready, Taylor, really.

TAYLOR

I hope everybody is ready.

LORELAI

[high pitched voice] Hey, let's all be friends. Can I nibble your neck?

MISS PATTY

He's really got his knickers in a twist tonight.

RORY

Hey, talk more like a ferret.

LORELAI

Sorry, time to attach it.

MISS PATTY

So, is Sookie okay?

LORELAI

Oh, she's great. Still big, still waiting, but she's fine.

MISS PATTY

Oh, good.

RORY

Was she the one shaking me in the middle of the night yelling, "what motivated you to come out of your mother" over and over?

LORELAI

She got a little spooked. There. Wow. You're beautiful, Anthea.

RORY

I feel very painty.

LORELAI

I gotta go change. Freeze good.

RORY

I will.

KIRK

The time approaches. I am ready.

LORELAI

Aw. You might want to check that Gumby/Pokey watch, Kirk.

KIRK

Right. Sorry. And it's a collectible, not a toy. It's an adult, uh... it's very valuable.

TAYLOR

Ladies and gentlemen, I am Taylor Doose. Welcome to the 43rd annual Connecticut Festival of Living Pictures. [applause] As you may know, the town of Woodbury was supposed to host this year's festival, but due to their recent flooding, Woodbury backed out. They got a little moisture over there and basically said, "Oh, well, whatever, never mind." But the town of Stars Hollow was happy to step in because this vital tradition must continue. [applause] "The Festival of Living Pictures" has a storied history...

ANDREW

Cecilia - that's a very pretty name. Very pretty.

MISS PATTY

Keep it in your pants, Andrew. Okay, listen up, people. The fire department is out here because some dingbat parked in the red zone. Now, I warned you guys about parking there. So, who is it? Come on, speak up or you're gonna be towed. Who is it?

TROUBADOUR

I saw it when I came in, I think that's Kirk's.

KIRK

You Judas!

MISS PATTY

Go move it, Kirk!

TROUBADOUR

Just trying to help.

KIRK

Shouldn't you kiss me on the cheek before you betray me?

TROUBADOUR

You're gonna get towed.

KIRK

Just keep away from me, pal!

TROUBADOUR

You know, I'm getting a little tired of this holier-than-thou attitude of yours.

KIRK

I mean it.

MISS PATTY

Rory, go, go, you're on. Hey, art nouveau clock girl, you got your Zippo on you?

TAYLOR

Our first tableau was created by the talented craftsmen in our little town. It is a painting by the Italian master Girolamo Parmigianino. He was born in Parma and was of the mannerist school, becoming a master portraitist, blending the sensual style with the classical style of Raphael, as you can see in his "Portrait of a Young Girl Named Anthea." [applause]

MISS PATTY

Five minutes to "The Last Supper", people, five minutes. Oh, my God! Christ, Judas, stop fighting! Shame you apostles, why couldn't you get in there and stop 'em?

KIRK

If I've re-pulled my calf muscle, you are so getting it!

TROUBADOUR

So perform a miracle and unpull it, you jerk!

KIRK

You're a blasphemer! You're a blasphemer and a traitor! And let's face it, you're unattractive.

MISS PATTY

Okay, we got no time for this. Get your butts on that stage! And, apostles, keep Christ and Judas apart!

TAYLOR

Da vinci's "Last Supper" has become one of the most revered masterpieces in the world. This majestic fresco was completed in 1498 and its prestige has never diminished.

TROUBADOUR

You've been a jerk from the start! What about Shakey's? You all went out without me, and you lied about it.

KIRK

You're imagining things.

TROUBADOUR

Well, Simon Peter said so. James, the son of Alpheus, Lebbeus - they all said so.

KIRK

When did you speak with Lebbeus?

MISS PATTY

God help me, if you two don't shut up, I'm gonna stick these papier-mché rolls down your throats! That's it! That's it! Curtain!

TAYLOR

And so now may we present "The Last Supper." [applause]

RORY

So I was good? The ferret didn't upstage me?

LANE

The ferret underplayed it nicely.

RORY

Hey, isn't that that guitarist?

LANE

It is. It's Gil. Rats, I was gonna call him tomorrow with the bad news.

RORY

Well, you could just walk away rudely.

LANE

I'll say a quick hello and tell him I'll call him tomorrow.

GIL

Hey, Lane. Trippy, huh?

LANE

Totally. How you doin', Gil?

GIL

Great. I saw the flyers, I thought I'd come check it out.

LANE

Cool, great, yeah.

GIL

Hey, don't sweat it, okay?

LANE

What do you mean?

GIL

It's okay. I know I'm not in the band.

LANE

Oh.

GIL

I picked up the vibe. The age difference - it doesn't bother me, but it's a little weird, I know.

LANE

Maybe a little.

GIL

It's cool, really.

LANE

Good. Well, you're a great guy, Gil, and a great guitarist. Someone's gonna scoop you up quick.

GIL

I hope so. I'm gonna keep going no matter what, not like last time.

LANE

Last time?

GIL

Yeah. I had another band, a great band, the hottest band in L.A. We sold out all the clubs - The House of Blues, The Whiskey. A&R guys were hanging out. We had an awesome demo with tunes. Then we got our big break - an opening slot on a national tour with Quiet Riot.

LANE

Wow!

GIL

But we blew it. We were fighting all the time over money, over chicks. We broke up before the tour even started.

LANE

Oh no.

GIL

It killed me. I didn't touch my Axe for years. I just got a day gig and lived my life. Then a few months ago, I picked up my guitar, and I realized how much I missed it. So I went out looking again, and that's how you got my tape.

LANE

Wow.

GIL

But I'm not stopping this time for anything. I'm gonna keep going until it happens. But thanks for letting me play with you guys. It was a blast. You're fantastic.

LANE

Well, get used to playing with us, Gil, 'cause you're in the band.

GIL

Really?

LANE

Really.

GIL

No way!

LANE

Way.

GIL

Oh, my God! This is so cool! I can't believe it.

LANE

I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

GIL

Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Honey, kids, I am in the band! Yes!

LANE

Our guitarist is married.

RORY

You made his kids happy, too.

TROUBADOUR

You guys watched the first two "Matrix"s on DVD together, too. I heard all about it.

KIRK

Get away from me.

TAYLOR

"The Last Supper," ladies and gentlemen. Serene, wasn't it?

LUKE

Better order quick. We're closing... soon.

NICOLE

Surprise.

LUKE

I'll say.

NICOLE

Lots of nuttiness going on out there.

LUKE

Yeah, it's the festival of nutty pictures, so...

NICOLE

You successfully avoid the nuttiness?

LUKE

Yeah, for the most part, yeah. Christ's table was broken, so I fixed it.

NICOLE

He's a carpenter, he should have fixed it himself.

LUKE

Yeah, well...

NICOLE

Speaking of nutty... all this, you and me.

LUKE

Yeah.

NICOLE

If it were happening to anyone else, I'd laugh.

LUKE

About what?

NICOLE

Well, getting married is what broke us up. You gotta love the irony.

LUKE

Yeah, it is a little ironic.

NICOLE

Luke, I'm not gonna say that getting married on that ship like we did wasn't wrong. We should have thought more about it, but maybe rushing into divorce would be just as wrong.

LUKE

What are you talking about?

NICOLE

Well, we're still you and me. Why can't we have what we had before?

LUKE

Which was?

NICOLE

Two people who loved being together.

LUKE

We're in the middle of a divorce.

NICOLE

We can postpone it.

LUKE

We can?

NICOLE

I'm a lawyer, I know these things.

LUKE

Postpone it and do what?

NICOLE

Date.

LUKE

Date?

NICOLE

Remember? That was the fun part.

LUKE

So what you're saying is we get back together, not divorced, but not be married, either?

NICOLE

I guess. I know it sounds stupid, but it doesn't feel stupid, does it?

TAYLOR

Picasso's "Guernica," everybody. Wasn't that something? Our next work is found in the gardens of Versailles in the country of our former ally, France. It is one of more than two thousand sculptures to be found in that famed garden. I'd like to turn your attention now to our town's beloved gazebo for "The Reaper."

MISS PATTY

Okay, our statue's done. Stamp it, ship it. Terrence and Lorelai, our Renoir couple, you're up next. Be ready.

LORELAI

Okay, I'm just about done here, Patty. Just give me one second.

MISS PATTY

Okay, I'm just saying, two-minute warning. Terrence, get into place. My aching feet will never forgive me.

RORY

You ready for your close-up, Miss Desmond?

LORELAI

Just about.

RORY

Grand finale. It's a great way to close this thing.

LORELAI

You know, I don't know why everybody's rushing me like this.

RORY

Mom... you okay?

LORELAI

Yeah. No.

RORY

No?

LORELAI

My heart is going a million miles a second. I feel hot. Is my makeup running?

RORY

No, Mom, you look great. What's wrong?

LORELAI

I flinched.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Seven years ago on this very stage in this very costume, I flinched.

RORY

No, you didn't.

LORELAI

Yes, I did. You weren't watching. I was in denial. I just didn't want Taylor to be right, but he was. I flinched.

RORY

Well, so what? You flinched a little. I bet most people didn't see it.

LORELAI

Stevie Wonder could have seen it. I almost knocked Terrence down. I flinched. I am a big, fat flincher!

RORY

But that was a long time ago.

LORELAI

Once a flincher, always a flincher.

RORY

No, no, Mom. That was seven years ago. You're different now.

LORELAI

Yeah, I am. I'm less stable. My muscles are weaker and my bones are more fragile. There are a dozen more ways for me to wobble now. I'm a Weeble, and Weebles wobble. I'm gonna blow the whole finale and the town is gonna hate me.

RORY

Mom, listen, you are in amazing physical shape. This is mental. You can beat it.

LORELAI

How?

RORY

'Cause you can.

LORELAI

No specifics?

RORY

Not really.

LORELAI

Well, I need something.

RORY

Close your eyes and think of England.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

And know that I love you no matter what happens up there and go be still.

LORELAI

England, England.

RORY

England.

MISS PATTY

She's not gonna flinch, is she? Is she?

TAYLOR

...made Pierre Auguste Renoir one of the world's most beloved painters. So to close our triumphant evening, we give you his incomparable "Dance at Bougival." [applause]

RORY

Good girl. Keep it up.

RORY

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.

MISS PATTY

What the hell is that?

RORY

It's Sookie's baby pager.

MISS PATTY

Oy to the vey!

MISS PATTY

I can't look.

RORY

Keep frozen. Keep frozen.

MISS PATTY

What's happening? That's it. Curtain!

TAYLOR

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for making tonight such a success. On behalf of the town of Stars Hollow, we bid you adieu from "The Festival of Living Pictures." [applause]