T4E8: “Die, Jerk”

RORY

More broccoli, Grandpa?

RICHARD

Absolutely. Staves off the cancer.

LORELAI

Staves off my appetite.

EMILY

You really should eat more green things, Lorelai.

LORELAI

I plan to eat a five-dollar bill later tonight.

RORY

Oh, have you seen the new twenties? They have a little peach color in 'em.

LORELAI

Peach, perfect. I'll eat a new twenty, I'll have my fruits and vegetables.

RICHARD

I think we saw some of the new twenties in Atlantic City, didn't we, Emily?

EMILY

I think.

RORY

How was Atlantic City? Successful?

RICHARD

Very.

LORELAI

Well, Siskel's chimed in. What about you?

EMILY

I'm refraining.

RICHARD

It's a bit of a sore subject.

LORELAI

We'll talk about something else.

EMILY

The garishness, the garishness.

LORELAI

Thus spake Ebert.

EMILY

Why have a simple sign if it can be in bright flashing neon? And the new slot machines? They don't just make obnoxious bell sounds anymore, they yell at you.

LORELAI

The slot machines were talking to you, Mom? Are you sure it wasn't just you?

RICHARD

Oh, they talk, I can verify that. One of them kept yelling, "wheel... of... fortune!"

EMILY

And the parking lot of the hotel that we stayed at had an area for RV's.

LORELAI

Perish the thought!

EMILY

And the boardwalk...

RORY

Oh, I've always wanted to see the Atlantic City boardwalk.

EMILY

I'll save you a trip. Tip an overflowing trash can on your front porch and walk up and down on it.

RICHARD

It was actually quite a successful outing. Maybe not to our taste, but the clients loved it.

EMILY

The clients were too plastered to know better.

LORELAI

Kind of the point.

EMILY

Two of them stayed up all night and smelled like it.

RICHARD

That was a tad gross.

EMILY

One of them - a married man - had a long conversation with... how shall I put this delicately? A woman of less than reputable nature.

LORELAI

Hm. Do hookers charge to let you talk to them?

RORY

Depends on what they're doing when they're talking to you.

EMILY

Rory!

RORY

Sorry.

EMILY

I expect that from your mother, but not you.

RORY

Just a joke.

LORELAI

Yeah, Mom, Yale is broadening her world view.

EMILY

Digger was in his element.

RICHARD

You mean Jason was in his element.

EMILY

He caroused along with the best of them.

LORELAI

You carouse any, Dad?

RICHARD

I played a little craps, but the tables were ice-cold.

EMILY

What's the next outing Jason has planned for your clients, Richard? Spring break in Cancún so you can do shots off people's bellies?

LORELAI

I'm uncomfortable hearing you say that.

RORY

Me, too.

RICHARD

I can assure you, Emily, that there are no belly shots in our future.

LORELAI

Although doing one off Dad's belly is okay. You're married.

EMILY

And those gifts. Those heinous gifts he gave out.

RICHARD

Oh, we had little roulette wheels printed up with our company name on them. They were a big hit. Perfect for an executive's table. I got one for each of you.

EMILY

Richard, don't, it's embarrassing.

RORY

They're cute.

EMILY

They're the antithesis of class - so like Digger.

RICHARD

Emily, that was his nickname as a boy, and he's sensitive about it.

EMILY

I've never called him that to his face.

RICHARD

You did at that craps table, and then he sevened out.

EMILY

Please, let's discuss something other than New Jersey.

RICHARD

I am more than willing.

LORELAI

Hey, have you guys read any of Rory's articles in the Yale newspaper?

EMILY

Of course, we've read them all.

RICHARD

Fine work, Rory. The Yale Daily News is lucky to have you.

RORY

Oh, it's really not a big deal.

LORELAI

Hey, they're right. Take your props.

RICHARD

You'll be running that paper before long.

RORY

I'm not even on staff yet.

EMILY

You're not?

RORY

These are just tryout articles to qualify. You have to write something for every department, and then if those pass muster, then you're on staff.

RICHARD

Well, your coverage of that lacrosse match was very exciting.

LORELAI

Yeah. For two seconds, I almost gave a flying you-know-what about lacrosse.

EMILY

I liked your coverage on the new funds approved for upkeep on the divinity quadrangle.

RICHARD

You made it sing.

EMILY

We're having all your articles laminated.

RORY

That's very nice.

LORELAI

Yes! I got my number.

PARIS

It just seems like a quaint archaism. I mean, if you're a good journalist, why make you jump through hoops and write all these tryout articles? Stale bagel.

RORY

It's a time-honored tradition. All our forebears had to do it.

PARIS

If our forebears had fought it, we wouldn't be dealing with it now. What are you looking for?

RORY

My article. I did a review of the chamber-music recital.

PARIS

Must be in there somewhere. And that's the other thing - they print everything.

RORY

Hm, that's weird.

PARIS

They'd print my mattress tag if it was in the right margins.

RORY

It's not here.

PARIS

Impossible.

RORY

No, I've looked pretty thoroughly.

PARIS

Must be a mistake.

RORY

No, it's really not here.

PARIS

Just means parakeets will be crapping on something else in the morning. They're all stale.

DOYLE

Morning. Morning.

RORY

Hi, Doyle.

DOYLE

Hi, Rory. Coffee mint?

RORY

No, thanks.

DOYLE

I'm addicted to these things. So is Bob Woodward. So I hear - not that I'm copying him. What's up?

RORY

Well, I was wondering if there was a problem with my review.

DOYLE

Oh, the review? Which was yours, the quartet?

RORY

Yeah, chamber music at Sprague Hall.

DOYLE

Right, right.

RORY

Did I get it in late?

DOYLE

No, you got it in right on time. You're good about that.

RORY

But you didn't print it.

DOYLE

No, we didn't.

RORY

So, space issue?

DOYLE

No, we had the space. We always have the space, but it was a bit of a yawn.

RORY

A yawn?

DOYLE

Yeah.

RORY

Well, you know, chamber-music recitals are very low-key, kind of yawny affairs. Pretty music but no stage diving or anything.

DOYLE

I meant the writing.

RORY

The writing was kind of a yawn?

DOYLE

But don't sweat it. You'll do better next time.

RORY

Right, sure.

DOYLE

My mother liked it.

RORY

Liked what?

DOYLE

The recital. She's old. Excuse me.

RORY

Sure. Sure.

PARIS

Your article didn't get in?

RORY

No, it didn't.

PARIS

[checks the paper] Mine did. Good, good. I'm going to get a bagel.

LORELAI

He actually used the word yawn?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

What a jerk.

LANE

You should punch him where it counts.

RORY

He was just doing his job.

LORELAI

He could have been a little more diplomatic.

LANE

The word yawn is insulting.

RORY

Yeah, but I was actually tired when I wrote it, so it probably wasn't my best work. I should write my articles at night first, then study.

LORELAI

I still say Yawn Guy needs a little learnin'.

LANE

Yeah, kick him where the sun don't shine.

LORELAI

You really are not good at threats.

LANE

I know, and I hate that.

RORY

I'll just chalk it up to experience.

LANE

Hey, what time do you have?

RORY

Uh, five to four.

LANE

Five minutes to my call with Dave. I should get home.

LORELAI

Hey, are we still mad at him?

LANE

We never were.

LORELAI

That's right. Must be Jackson. We're mad at Jackson for something he said to Sookie.

RORY

No, we're not.

LORELAI

You sure?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Must be Gypsy. We're mad at her husband?

RORY

She's not married.

LORELAI

This is gonna bug me.

RORY

So, how is Dave?

LANE

He's great. I just wish he weren't three thousand miles away.

RORY

How did he take the news that you found a replacement for him in the band?

LANE

He was a little weird about it.

LORELAI

And that's why we're mad at him.

RORY

We're not mad at Dave.

LORELAI

Must be Jackson.

LANE

I miss that boy.

RORY

Well, he'll be home for Christmas, right?

LANE

He better.

LORELAI

This is my stop.

RORY

Say hi to the baby for me.

LORELAI

Find out who we're mad at.

RORY

We're not mad at anybody.

LORELAI

We're always mad at somebody.

LORELAI

Hey. Door's open. Aren't they home?

MICHEL

They are home. I'm not welcome in it.

LORELAI

What?

SOOKIE

Lorelai, come on in.

MICHEL

I'm being discriminated against. Go, enjoy.

LORELAI

Michel can't come in?

SOOKIE

Nope.

MICHEL

I'm Rosa Parks.

LORELAI

Why can't Rosa Parks come in?

SOOKIE

He sneezed.

MICHEL

Five days ago.

SOOKIE

I can't take a chance with the baby.

MICHEL

It's a business meeting. The baby should not attend.

SOOKIE

He's a week old. What should he do, take in a movie?

MICHEL

I got dust up my nose. It made me sneeze. I am not sick.

SOOKIE

[to Lorelai] Come on in.

LORELAI

Sorry. Uh-huh-huh-huh... oh, no. Whew!

MICHEL

Not funny.

LORELAI

There he is. Oh. Oh, widdle Davey, widdle Davey, peekaboo, peekaboo. Oh, you have a widdle nose. Oh, oh, no, Aunt Lorelai's got your nose. Do you want it back? Do you? Do you?

SOOKIE

He's not indicating that he wants it back.

LORELAI

Well, then, I'm going to keep it.

MICHEL

This is painful.

SOOKIE

You know, he said his first word this morning.

LORELAI

Who? Michel? What'd he say?

SOOKIE

He said, "ah-oopah."

LORELAI

Did you say, "ah-oopah"? Did you? Well, you're very talented. Did you know that?

MICHEL

If I throw up, do you want it on the bushes or the grass?

LORELAI

Michel, don't you like babies?

MICHEL

I don't know. I've never been near one. I thought today was my chance.

LORELAI

I brought pastries.

SOOKIE

Excellent.

LORELAI

Do you want one, Michel?

MICHEL

So I can look even sadder, sitting and eating pastry by myself? No, thank you. Can we start?

LORELAI

Okay. Well, I'm here to report that the Dragonfly is officially demoed and stripped to its studs, to the point where it looks worse than ever and you can't imagine it ever looking good ever again.

SOOKIE

Excellent.

MICHEL

There are big, flying things out here.

LORELAI

But we're on schedule, and when I left, the plumbing contractor was unloading all sorts of impressive-looking copper pipes, so that's something, I guess, and... oh, Bruce.

BRUCE

Hello.

LORELAI

I thought you'd gone.

BRUCE

I came back.

LORELAI

Well, there you go.

SOOKIE

Bruce is not only a midwife, she's also a lactation specialist.

LORELAI

Yikes.

MICHEL

Ugh.

BRUCE

Is that the sneezer?

MICHEL

It was dust. What are these big green things with wings?

LORELAI

You know, Bruce, I didn't get a chance to tell you how impressed I was by the home birth. It was just amazing to watch and very, very special.

BRUCE

Did you talk baby talk to Davey?

LORELAI

Yes.

BRUCE

Every second Davey's brain is hard-wiring for life. Baby talk can retard his language-acquisition rate. Is that what you want?

LORELAI

Definitely not. I want him fully tarded.

MICHEL

This flying green thing is toying with me.

BRUCE

In five minutes, we'll feed.

SOOKIE

Five minutes. Did I tell you she donates her services to indigent, inner-city mothers?

LORELAI

It's okay.

MICHEL

All right, this thing is getting ready to dive-bomb.

LORELAI

So, Davey, beautiful day, huh? What would you like to discuss? Middle East peace, the space program? I'm sorry, what's that? Oh, my God. He said, "the answer to the problems in the mideast is, 'I have to poop.'"

SOOKIE

He got distracted.

LORELAI

And now there's no peace? Davey, come on, man, hard-wire those adult thoughts and try to remember what we're talking... and he said that Thursday's impossible to start work and I reminded him about our contract.

SOOKIE

Good, because he needed to be reminded.

LORELAI

So that's all taken care of.

MICHEL

I'm being attacked by green things!

BRUCE

It's time to feed.

LORELAI

Well, this has been a very productive meeting.

SOOKIE

Very.

RORY

Hi, Doyle. Got something for you.

DOYLE

Your new review?

RORY

My new review.

DOYLE

Remember "The New Zoo Revue"?

RORY

Henrietta hippo?

DOYLE

Freddie the frog, and who was the third one? What was the third one?

RORY

I'm drawing a blank.

DOYLE

Oh, I hate that. Whenever there's three of something, you always forget the third one. It's like a statistical thing.

RORY

Do you want me to come back?

DOYLE

No, let's look at it now.

RORY

So I drank a lot of coffee before writing this, so hopefully it won't be a yawn.

DOYLE

Good. [reads Rory's article and crosses things out]

RORY

Doyle.

DOYLE

Just a sec.

RORY

You're crossing everything out.

DOYLE

Not everything.

RORY

Well, the only thing you haven't crossed out is what you haven't read yet.

DOYLE

Hold on, hold on, okay? Well, it's better than your last one. You're showing progress.

RORY

Oh.

DOYLE

Really.

RORY

Okay, is this some kind of hazing?

DOYLE

Hazing?

RORY

I put a lot of time into this.

DOYLE

Oh, I know. It's definitely not for lack of trying.

RORY

Is it something personal? Did I do something to offend you?

DOYLE

No, Rory, this is how it works. It's not personal. It's just not very good.

RORY

I rewrote it four times, and I researched it so thoroughly.

DOYLE

Don't worry about the facts. You seem to have gotten those right. Stan, file this for me.

RORY

So, it's not good?

DOYLE

I just couldn't tell what you really thought.

RORY

But I tried so hard.

DOYLE

Oh, I know.

RORY

So I should try less hard?

DOYLE

Look, just write what you think. You have opinions, don't you?

RORY

Sure, I do.

DOYLE

That's what will work.

RORY

Sounds simple.

DOYLE

It can be. Charlie the owl. That's the third one.

RORY

Right, right, Charlie. Guess I'll go.

DOYLE

Don't worry. Either you'll get the hang of things or you won't.

RORY

Uh huh.

DOYLE

Just make sure this one's good.

RORY

Got it.

LORELAI

Wow, pretty. Yale's got the big bucks, huh?

RORY

Yeah, I guess.

LORELAI

This is gonna be fun.

RORY

It's work for me.

LORELAI

Are those our seats, all saved and everything?

RORY

One of the advantages of being with the press.

LORELAI

Are you okay?

RORY

Yeah, I'm the happiest unpublished writer in the newspaper biz.

LORELAI

You are not unpublished.

RORY

I am recently unpublished.

LORELAI

Don't forget your lacrosse-story triumph.

RORY

Yeah, maybe lacrosse is the only thing I'm good at writing about, and I'd never heard of it before I was assigned it.

LORELAI

Now, come on.

RORY

Hopefully, there will be plenty of well-paid, full-time lacrosse-writing positions for me at the major news organizations.

LORELAI

You need chocolate.

RORY

Chocolate and talent.

LORELAI

Stop that.

RORY

Maybe I'm just not cut out for college journalism. Maybe I peaked in high school. Aw, man, that's a depressing thought.

LORELAI

You didn't peak. This is just a different environment and a bigger league, and that's half the fun, isn't it?

RORY

Kind of. Here we go.

LORELAI

Ah, I love these seats. They're so important.

RORY

Oh.

LORELAI

Well, she recovered quickly.

RORY

Whoa.

LORELAI

The floor must be slippery.

RORY

Huh.

LORELAI

I don't think the guy is supposed to wince when he lifts the ballerina.

RORY

Maybe it was involuntary?

LORELAI

She wasn't supposed to kick him like that, was she?

RORY

I don't think so.

LORELAI

It gives new meaning to the word nutcracker.

LORELAI

Shh, shh.

LORELAI

Wow.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

That was terrible.

RORY

From the opening kerplunk.

LORELAI

And just kept getting worse.

RORY

I'm in physical discomfort.

LORELAI

That lead ballerina - she has no friends.

RORY

How can you tell?

LORELAI

Because no one gave her the heads-up on the roll of fat around the bra strap.

RORY

Maybe she just has no friends in the ballet.

LORELAI

All ballet people do is ballet. If she has no friends in the ballet, she has no friends. Holy moly.

RORY

I wonder how many times I can use the word "blows" in an article before it becomes redundant.

LORELAI

What are you gonna write?

RORY

I don't know. What I think, I guess.

LORELAI

Really.

RORY

Well, apparently, that's what was missing from my other pieces - my opinions, so...

LORELAI

Well, if you want my opinion, that end curtain came down way too slowly.

RORY

I'll try to work that in.

LORELAI

Man oh man. If Vincent Gallo could just see this, he'd feel a whole lot better about "Brown Bunny."

DOYLE

Nice.

RORY

Nice?

DOYLE

Really great job.

RORY

Really?

DOYLE

Really.

RORY

Oh, wow, thanks.

DOYLE

Thank you. Stan, get this to layout.

STAN

Yeah.

DOYLE

I love doing that.

RORY

And you look good doing it.

DOYLE

Coffee mint?

RORY

Thanks.

CUSTOMER

This piece is beautiful. My wife's gonna flip.

MRS. KIM

Good. Now, it's very fragile, so keep it away from young children.

CUSTOMER

We don't have children.

MRS. KIM

You should. Everyone should have children.

CUSTOMER

Okay. Thank you.

MRS. KIM

You're welcome. Lane?

LANE

Yes, Mama?

MRS. KIM

I have something for Dave.

LANE

For Dave, my Dave?

MRS. KIM

Something for you to send to him in California. Special gift from me to him.

LANE

Really?

MRS. KIM

Could you wrap it and take it to the post office?

LANE

Definitely. That's so sweet, Mama.

MRS. KIM

He's a good boy. He's going to make a good man.

LANE

I agree.

MRS. KIM

I'm going to make some tea.

MICHEL

So, I looked up what Bruce said about baby talk and she was right. You should never talk baby talk to a baby.

LORELAI

That's sad.

MICHEL

Yeah. So I've been calling all my friends and relatives with babies to tell them to immediately stop talking to them.

LORELAI

You mean, stop talking baby talk?

MICHEL

No, it's better that they just stop altogether.

LORELAI

Ittle-bitty Michel.

MICHEL

Now, stop that.

LORELAI

Well, I like talking baby talk and I can't do it to babies, so I need an outlet. And you're my outwet - wittle Michel with the happy hair.

MICHEL

Goodbye.

LORELAI

You no wanna eat? Aw, look at him walking. Big boy walkie. Ooh.

LORELAI

Nicole!

NICOLE

Hi, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Well, I'll be. Look at you there.

NICOLE

It's nice to see you.

LORELAI

Yeah. Does Luke know you're here?

NICOLE

Yeah, he's just in the back. Do you want him?

LORELAI

No, I don't want him, I don't want him. I was just coming in for a bite with a friend and... not my imaginary friend. My friend Michel was with me, but he doesn't eat normal food like this, so he's not coming in, so... you good?

NICOLE

Very good. And you?

LORELAI

Very good, too. I'm just still living here in Stars Hollow, and, um, Rory's going to Yale.

NICOLE

I knew that.

LORELAI

Of course. Well, naturally, you would be all filled in 'cause Luke's talking to you regularly, and...

NICOLE

Mmhmm.

LORELAI

So, um... I met a bunch of lawyers from your firm.

NICOLE

Really?

LORELAI

I did, yes, because, well, I'm - they were coming in to see Luke, and I'm in here a lot, so...

NICOLE

Right. Yeah, they're good guys.

LORELAI

Really good guys. They like you a lot.

NICOLE

They're the partners at my firm.

LORELAI

Well, so they have to like you. So, is Luke coming out, or...

NICOLE

He should be.

LORELAI

You know, I'm not hungry.

NICOLE

No?

LORELAI

I just remembered, I just ate.

NICOLE

Oh.

LORELAI

So... but it's really good to see you.

NICOLE

Same here.

LORELAI

Really good.

NICOLE

Uh huh.

LORELAI

Okay. So... [leaves]

RORY

[answers cell phone] Hello?

LANE

Oh, thank God.

RORY

Lane?

LANE

I just had the biggest fight with Dave that we've ever had ever, and it's all my mother's fault.

RORY

Your mother? Why?

LANE

Get this - earlier today, my mom asked me to wrap something that she wants to send to Dave.

RORY

Is it his birthday?

LANE

No, this was something else altogether. You holding onto your hat?

RORY

I'm not wearing one, but I can pretend to be.

LANE

It's the jug.

RORY

What jug?

LANE

The jug. The big jug. The monumental jug.

RORY

What jug?

LANE

Remember when I was a kid, my mother showed me the special jug that's been passed down in my family for years and years in a long-standing Kim tradition that she is personally going to present to the boy I'm going to wed?

RORY

Oh, my God. The marriage jug?

LANE

The marriage jug.

RORY

She's sending Dave the marriage jug? What does that mean?

LANE

I'm guessing it means she's reserving a hall and ordering that "Stations of the Cross" ice sculpture.

RORY

Whoa, this is serious.

LANE

No kidding.

RORY

I had forgotten all about it.

LANE

I didn't. It's been sitting on that shelf all my life, and I kind of liked that it was there. It was a nice thing, a nice tradition. I had pleasant associations with it, and now I want to break it into a million pieces.

RORY

What inspired her?

LANE

Who knows?

RORY

Have you been sending out a vibe or something?

LANE

A vibe, no. What kind of vibe?

RORY

Like a marriage vibe.

LANE

I don't know what that is. I mean, maybe. I love Dave. If you love a boy, do you automatically send out a marriage vibe?

RORY

I don't think so.

LANE

I feel weird just saying that.

RORY

Well, wait, why did you and Dave get into a big fight?

LANE

Well, I didn't send him the jug, but I had to give him a heads-up in case he called here innocently and my mom said something to him like, "You rent that tux yet?" So I did, and he was really mean about it. He was very against getting the jug.

RORY

You thought he'd be all for it?

LANE

No, but he was way too down on the idea.

RORY

Lane, he's eighteen. He just started college.

LANE

I know.

RORY

Jug or no jug, he's not ready to get married.

LANE

I know.

RORY

And neither are you.

LANE

I know. Someday maybe.

RORY

Yes, someday, but not now.

LANE

Great. Now we're about to get into a fight?

RORY

No, we're not. There have just been enough young people marrying in my life. I don't want any more.

LANE

Okay.

RORY

What are you gonna do?

LANE

I don't know. She's going to expect a call or note from him, thanking his soon-to-be mother-in-law or else she'll be offended.

RORY

Probably.

LANE

I guess I've got to talk to her about it.

RORY

I don't see any other way.

RORY

Whoa.

LANE

What?

RORY

Someone wrote something on our door - "Die Jerk."

LANE

It says "Die Jerk"?

RORY

It's not coming off.

LANE

Wow. Cool things like that never happen at adventist school.

PARIS

Rory.

RORY

Someone wrote "Die Jerk" on our door.

PARIS

I know. I thought maybe the person who did it was back to make good on the promise.

RORY

Who did this?

PARIS

I don't know, but we've got to find out and strike back hard. Come on, we're assembling inside.

RORY

Lane, I gotta go. We're assembling. Sorry about the jug.

LANE

It's okay. Keep me posted.

RORY

Yeah, you, too. Bye.

PARIS

[to student walking by] What's your business here?

RORY

Fun stuff, huh, guys?

JANET

Yeah, it's ridiculous.

TANNA

I may have been here when it happened.

JANET

And you heard nothing?

TANNA

No.

PARIS

Way to have that radar up.

RORY

Let's not make each other feel bad.

PARIS

Hey, hug a dolphin another day, all right? We need to rev up the gunships and retaliate before the next strike. We gotta go full-out Sharon.

RORY

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

TANNA

There's gonna be another strike?

PARIS

You wanna wait to find out? Now, first, we should each make a list of the people we've made enemies of, starting with most recent and working our way back.

TANNA

Can't we just let this go?

JANET

It may just be a joke.

PARIS

I'm not laughing. Anyone here laughing?

TANNA

I guess it is vandalism.

PARIS

It's more than that. This is an assault that should be met head-on using extreme prejudice. Now let's face it, I'm the most likely target, so I've already made up a list of enemies, which I've narrowed down from twenty-six to five.

JANET

Just at Yale?

PARIS

Just in this building.

TANNA

Maybe we should move.

PARIS

Retreat? I think not.

JANET

There's a girl on my volleyball team who's livid at me. I kissed her boyfriend.

TANNA

I'm exceedingly dull.

PARIS

Keep her close.

TANNA

What about you?

RORY

Me?

JANET

Made anyone mad lately?

PARIS

Oh, please, that would be like Dorothy pissing off the Tin Man. It's impossible.

TANNA

I'm not leaving my room.

JANET

I'll keep you posted on my person.

PARIS

And my five are already taken care of.

TANNA

They're taken care of?

PARIS

I got my East Side 860 partners on it. Now let's move.

RORY

Wanna watch tv?

TANNA

Something light.

RORY

I'm with you.

LORELAI

Hi, Luke.

LUKE

Hi. Take a seat anywhere.

LORELAI

Very hungry.

LUKE

Yeah, well, you're in the right place.

LORELAI

Twice.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

I've come here twice. This is my second trip today.

LUKE

Oh, right, yeah. Well, you didn't eat.

LORELAI

Oh, you knew I was here?

LUKE

Uh, why didn't you stay?

LORELAI

I wasn't that hungry.

LUKE

Oh.

LORELAI

So, what's new?

LUKE

Uh, got some new coffee pots.

LORELAI

Anything else?

LUKE

New filters.

LORELAI

Anything else?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

Anything else?

LUKE

Other than "no", no.

LORELAI

Nicole, Luke. Nicole was here. She's the one who told you that I was here and didn't stay. She's new. Nothing new.

LUKE

Well, you saw her, so it's not new.

LORELAI

Oh, it's so new. What's going on there?

LUKE

Well, we're kind of seeing each other again.

LORELAI

Thank you, and... boy!

LUKE

It's not heavy-duty.

LORELAI

So you're not getting divorced?

LUKE

Yeah, we put it on hold.

LORELAI

Put the divorce on hold?

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Can you do that?

LUKE

I don't know. It's all new to me.

LORELAI

So, um, is she moving in with you?

LUKE

No.

LORELAI

What, no? You're husband and wife. It's not a crazy question.

LUKE

No, we're man and woman. We're just seeing each other as if we're not husband and wife.

LORELAI

Oh, well, the state of Connecticut sees it differently, you know. To the state, you're sharing a toothbrush holder and deciding together whether there's enough in the dishwasher to justify running it.

LUKE

Hopefully, the state will stay out of my way.

LORELAI

Now, what about taxes?

LUKE

What about them?

LORELAI

Well, you file single, jointly? I mean, what do you do?

LUKE

That's not for months.

LORELAI

You can't put it off.

LUKE

I'm not doing my taxes right now.

LORELAI

Capone?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

They got him for tax evasion.

LUKE

I don't plan on evading my taxes. Look, why are you pressing this?

LORELAI

Because it's weird.

LUKE

You think it's weird?

LORELAI

Yes. I am a cross section of the community, and if I think it's weird, then Rory thinks it's weird, and if Rory thinks that, then Miss Patty thinks that, and so on and so on.

LUKE

We're just not dealing with it right now. We're just letting things happen as they happen. We're going with the flow.

LORELAI

You're going with the flow?

LUKE

We're going with the flow.

LORELAI

Oh, that's so strum your sitar, dig the Maharishi, pass the owsley, summer of love, flower power, hippie-dippie, I can't stand it.

LUKE

You don't have to.

LORELAI

I hope you're not expecting a wedding present, 'cause I'm just putting it on hold 'til this whole thing clears up.

LUKE

Fine.

LORELAI

It's a good present.

LUKE

You haven't gotten it yet.

LORELAI

It would have been a good present.

LUKE

Look, what is it? You don't like Nicole?

LORELAI

I like Nicole. She's very nice. I don't think she likes me.

LUKE

She likes you fine, and, yes, she is very nice, and I missed her and she missed me and so we're dating again, putting off the hassle of getting a stupid divorce. Avoiding that hassle is the nice fringe benefit of getting back together again.

LORELAI

Aha, the hassle. Now we're getting down to it. If the divorce wasn't a hassle, would you still have gotten back together with her?

LUKE

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

LORELAI

Is that why we're still friends - because it would be too big a hassle for you to tell me you don't want to be friends anymore?

LUKE

What do you want to eat?

LORELAI

Eating's a hassle. I'll just starve.

LUKE

Fine.

LORELAI

And I'll starve right here because it would be too big a hassle to get up and leave.

LUKE

I'll work around you.

LORELAI

And hey, if it's too big a hassle to get rid of my body after I die of starvation, just leave it here to decompose all nice and quiet - no hassle.

LUKE

Good.

LORELAI

See ya.

LUKE

Wow, she's moving.

LORELAI

Well, I was kind of kidding about the decomposing here.

LUKE

But you still haven't eaten.

LORELAI

I'm not hungry, again.

LUKE

Fine, see ya.

LORELAI

And I liked the old coffee pots. The new ones look stupid. [leaves]

GUY

Hey, someone was looking for you.

RORY

Oh, who?

GUY

It's probably better that they don't find you. [leaves]

GIRL

You are very brave.

RORY

What?

GIRL

If you hear the rustle of tulle coming up behind you, run.

SANDRA

Rory Gilmore?

RORY

Yeah?

SANDRA

Remember me?

RORY

I don't think so.

SANDRA

That's very flattering.

RORY

Can I help you?

SANDRA

Let's see if this jogs your memory. I have the grace of a drunken dock worker?

RORY

Oh.

SANDRA

Remember me now?

RORY

The ballerina from the ballet.

SANDRA

That's right.

RORY

Your outfits are made of tulle, aren't they?

SANDRA

You're a jerk!

RORY

I know. You wrote that on my door.

SANDRA

You're lucky that's all I did!

RORY

Should we go somewhere else?

SANDRA

Your review was mean and petty and despicable!

RORY

Look, Sandra - that's your name, right? Sandra? This was all in the line of duty. It was an assignment from my editor, so it was nothing personal, okay?

SANDRA

You called me a hippo!

RORY

No, I compared you to a hippo, that's not calling you a hippo. And it was a humorous comparison. I was trying to -

SANDRA

To destroy me and my company!

RORY

No, and think about it - I bet that more than likely, very few people will even read the review, and most people aren't even interested in ballet in the first place. It's unfortunate and awful and I hate it, but what can you do? It's Avril Lavigne's world, and we're just living in it. Plus, most people left before the end, and I stuck it out. That's something.

SANDRA

I'm curious. How much ballet experience do you have? You must have a lot since you write about it with such authority.

RORY

Well, none to speak of. I had a few years of beginners' class and I stunk.

SANDRA

Anybody write about it in the paper?

RORY

No. Good point.

SANDRA

I've been dancing three hours a day, seven days a week for fourteen years. I've done two summer sessions with the Miami ballet, and I'm on the waiting list at Juilliard, and now your review is out there for everyone to see!

RORY

Look, I -

SANDRA

You're a jerk! I just wanted to come tell you that to your face! You're a jerk, and I hope you die! Bye, jerk. Die, jerk. [leaves]

PARIS

The door thing was about you?

RORY

Apparently.

PARIS

[on cell phone] The strike is off. Stand down. I repeat, stand down.

LORELAI

Hi, Mom.

EMILY

Come in, come in.

LORELAI

Ooh, you look tenser than usual. What's wrong?

EMILY

Oh, it's your father. I wanted him to go upstairs and clean up, but I can't pry him away from that partner of his.

LORELAI

Hm. Digger's here?

EMILY

They're in the study doing something computery. When did we suddenly become so dependent on computers?

EMILY

Finally.

RICHARD

Now how far can I go, Jason?

JASON

Uh, as far as you want. It should work anywhere.

RICHARD

Ah, fantastic.

EMILY

Richard, our company's here.

RICHARD

We have company?

LORELAI

Oh, actually, it's just me.

RICHARD

Oh, well, I suppose you're company. Say, are you and Rory wireless?

LORELAI

Oh, no, we're pretty wired most of the time.

EMILY

Why are you carrying that?

RICHARD

We're testing it. Jason here has just helped me hook up a wireless network for the house. Wi-Fi, it's called.

LORELAI

Oh, neat.

EMILY

Is that necessary? Oh, Lorelai, this is Jason Stiles.

JASON

We've met.

EMILY

Really?

RICHARD

Emily, they knew each other as kids. You knew that.

EMILY

Oh, that's right.

JASON

Great to see you again.

LORELAI

Oh, same here.

RICHARD

Look at this! I'm walking around, and I'm still on the internet. Emily, I'm going to google you.

EMILY

You are certainly not going to google me!

JASON

It's a search engine, Emily. He's just gonna find you out in cyberspace.

EMILY

This sounds absurd.

RICHARD

Nah, can't use a laptop here, Jason. The signal doesn't reach.

EMILY

When do you plan to use it in the dark corner by the staircase, Richard?

RICHARD

Well, you never know.

EMILY

I don't like the idea of your using it anywhere but your study.

RICHARD

I'm just testing it!

LORELAI

They're always fighting over toys, these two.

RICHARD

[walks onto the back patio] It's crystal clear out here.

EMILY

Richard, it's freezing outside!

RICHARD

I won't be a minute.

EMILY

Ridiculous. I have to go check on dinner. Excuse me. [leaves]

LORELAI

So, um, how have you been these past twenty-five years?

JASON

Good. Hey, moved out of my parents' house.

LORELAI

Rad.

JASON

Love the freedom.

LORELAI

Well, you don't have to hide the bong anymore.

JASON

Hey, did you get any flowers lately?

LORELAI

Uh, several times. Apparently, I have a secret admirer.

JASON

I signed all the cards "Jason."

LORELAI

I thought it was Jason Priestley.

JASON

You're disappointed.

LORELAI

No, I just wish I hadn't slept with Jason Priestley.

JASON

How's the new inn?

LORELAI

Coming along. Uh, we're gonna have horses.

JASON

Talking horses?

LORELAI

No, just the regular ones.

JASON

We could get married there.

LORELAI

Where?

JASON

The inn, on horseback.

LORELAI

Oh. So, you unwired my father, huh?

JASON

Per Richard's request. He wanted it.

LORELAI

Emily doesn't.

JASON

I cannot win with her.

LORELAI

You're getting the triple freeze from her. It's nice. Takes the onus off her daughter.

JASON

But the more she hates me, the more likely it is that you will go out with me.

LORELAI

That's not necessarily the case.

JASON

Good, because I gotta make some serious progress with her.

LORELAI

Good luck with that.

JASON

Maybe I should get her to invite me to dinner.

LORELAI

Ha!

JASON

Hey.

LORELAI

I'm sorry. As if you control these things.

JASON

Well, I'm not God, but I have influence.

LORELAI

No way is she inviting you to dinner.

JASON

Would you have a problem with me staying for dinner?

LORELAI

No. You won't stay because you won't be invited.

JASON

I will.

LORELAI

Let's see it.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

Hi, hon. Jason, this is my daughter, Rory. Rory, Jason.

RORY

Right, Scooper.

LORELAI

Digger.

RORY

Sorry. Digger.

JASON

It's nice to meet you. And I don't really go by Digger anymore.

LORELAI

What is it, P. Digger now?

RORY

I'll just call you Jason.

JASON

You're a very kind young lady.

RICHARD

Oh, dear. Jason, I just hit F12, and everything's going to hell.

JASON

Easily fixed. [walks away]

LORELAI

Hey. How are things?

RORY

Surreal - on a whole new level of surreal.

LORELAI

What happened?

RORY

I was harangued by an incensed ballerina.

LORELAI

That is Salvador Dali surreal. What ballerina?

RORY

From the ballet we went to - the one I wrote about. This girl marched up to me in the dining hall and busted me on the bad review I gave her.

LORELAI

Uh, wait a second. Are people allowed to do that, yell at the reviewer?

RORY

I frown on it. I mean, it's upsetting and ridiculous. I'll probably laugh at it someday, but not today.

LORELAI

What did you write?

RORY

Well, I brought it for you to read. Tell me what you think because my picky editor loved it. I mean, loved it.

LORELAI

Sure, sure. This is very weird.

RORY

Very read.

LORELAI

Whoa.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Well, you really hated this ballet.

RORY

Well, we both really hated it. Remember?

LORELAI

Yeah, I do. Jeez.

RORY

Oh, now, come on.

LORELAI

Well, this is just so harsh.

RORY

Again, you were there.

LORELAI

I know, but there's something about seeing it in print. People don't write as mean as they talk, except you.

RORY

I wrote what I felt.

LORELAI

"The roll around the bra strap"?

RORY

That was your line!

LORELAI

It was? I'm awful.

RORY

And it's not even critical of the ballerina's skills. It's critical of the costumer's skills.

LORELAI

I know, but it sounds like she couldn't fit into a standard leotard.

RORY

She couldn't! But again, the costumer should have put her in a larger leotard.

LORELAI

Do I see the word "hippo" coming up?

RORY

Give me the paper.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, it's just so specific.

RORY

It's what I saw, so I wrote it. That's what the editor told me to do.

LORELAI

Well, then you did the right thing.

RORY

I was too harsh.

LORELAI

You said yourself, you were supposed to be.

EMILY

Rory, you're here. Good.

RORY

Hi, Grandma.

EMILY

Don't tell me Richard's still traipsing around with that thing. Richard, please come inside and close the door.

RICHARD

Coming, coming.

EMILY

Oh, Jason, you're still here.

JASON

Oh, I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye to you, Emily.

RORY

Whatcha got there, Grandpa?

RICHARD

A laptop. The Gilmore house is now wireless.

RORY

Cool.

EMILY

And the laptop is now going back in its case because dinner is ready.

JASON

I'll be taking off everybody. I've got a cheeseburger waiting for me.

EMILY

Goodbye, Jason.

RICHARD

A cheeseburger? That's not a proper meal.

JASON

Oh, please, Richard, it's my favorite meal. I've had one for dinner three times this week.

RICHARD

Oh, you're joking.

EMILY

With the right bread and meat, a cheeseburger can make a fine meal.

JASON

Thank you, Emily.

RICHARD

You're defending cheeseburgers, Emily? When was the last time you had one?

JASON

This isn't just any cheeseburger, Richard. There's this stand that makes them special for me.

RICHARD

A stand?

EMILY

I hear those can be very good.

RICHARD

Emily, are we going to send this young bachelor out for fast food?

JASON

Oh, no, no, I couldn't stay. I'd be putting you out.

RICHARD

Nonsense.

EMILY

I'm not sure we have enough.

RICHARD

We always have enough.

JASON

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I wouldn't hear of it.

RICHARD

Emily, my business partner is going to be standing outside eating a cheeseburger.

EMILY

Jason, would you like to join us for dinner?

JASON

The cheeseburger will just have to wait.

EMILY

I'll tell the cook.

RICHARD

Cheeseburger.

JASON

This food is incredible.

RORY

Yeah. It's my first lobster thermidor.

JASON

Your recipe?

EMILY

No.

LORELAI

Hey, can you thermidor other foods? You know, fish thermidor, uh, Spam thermidor, enchiladas thermidor?

EMILY

I don't think so. Cora, since we're five instead of four, Richard and I will ration if we have to.

RICHARD

Oh, I don't think rationing will be necessary, Emily.

LORELAI

Yeah, Mom, you can just pick off my plate.

RICHARD

You've forgotten all about that burger, I hope.

JASON

After the first mouthful.

RICHARD

Good.

JASON

You know, Richard, having a computer at home with a high-speed internet access is gonna free up your time enormously.

RICHARD

Oh, I should say so.

EMILY

How?

JASON

How is it gonna free up his time?

EMILY

Yes.

JASON

Well, he'll be using email more, which means fewer phone calls with chitchat that you have to get through before you get down to business. That's what eats up most of the time.

EMILY

Email seems very cold to me.

JASON

But fast.

EMILY

Fast isn't always better.

JASON

A good point and very true.

RICHARD

Oh, Jason was saying that you'll get use out of this system, too, Emily.

EMILY

Me? How?

JASON

The internet. Have you checked it out?

EMILY

I'd have no use for it.

LORELAI

I wouldn't dismiss it so fast, Mom. The internet is more than just good porn now.

RORY

Yeah, I'm on it constantly.

EMILY

What do you use it for?

RORY

Research like for when I can't get to the library.

LORELAI

And for shopping.

RORY

Yeah, shopping.

LORELAI

A lot of shopping.

EMILY

Shopping?

LORELAI

Yeah, the stores you normally have to go to, they're on the internet now.

EMILY

But going to a nice store is half the fun of shopping. I like being greeted at the door and the bustle of people and the shoes and clothes all lined up nice and pretty.

LORELAI

That's true.

RORY

Yeah, we like that, too.

EMILY

Having someone help you pick out the right thing or help you exchange it if it's not right. With the internet, what do you do? Mail it back?

LORELAI

We usually just forget.

RORY

Yeah.

EMILY

So you're just out the money?

RORY

Pretty much.

EMILY

I don't get it.

LORELAI

I don't get it anymore either.

RORY

We should go to real stores more often.

JASON

But the internet is really good.

RICHARD

So, which camp was it where you two met?

LORELAI

Hm, it had a funny name and canoes.

JASON

They all have funny names and canoes. Was it Camp Waziata?

LORELAI

Doesn't sound familiar. Which one asked me to leave?

RORY

You got kicked out of camp?

LORELAI

I tried to liberate the horses.

JASON

Camp Chataguay. That's where we met.

LORELAI

That's the one.

JASON

I enjoyed camp. I made some good friends. I met your father at that camp.

RORY

Dad, really?

JASON

We bunked together for a summer. Incredible athlete and a good guy - a really good guy.

LORELAI

He hated you.

JASON

What?

LORELAI

With a passion.

JASON

No, I don't remember that.

LORELAI

I'm pretty sure. Didn't he try to dunk your head in a toilet bowl after you heckled him during some campfire talent show?

JASON

No, I don't... oh, my God, I've been repressing that!

RICHARD

Oh, that doesn't sound like Christopher.

JASON

No, it's okay, Richard. I'm positive I deserved it.

EMILY

Rory, I've been meaning to mention to you, we read that wonderful review you wrote on the ballet. It was excellent.

RICHARD

Oh-ho-ho-ho, you eviscerated that girl.

RORY

I actually didn't mean to eviscerate her. I was just trying to be honest.

RICHARD

Well, you honestly sliced her open and ripped out her guts.

EMILY

Your pen was your knife.

RORY

Right.

RICHARD

I especially liked the reference to the hippo.

RORY

That seems to be the most memorable for people.

EMILY

And the bra strap.

RICHARD

I should give you a copy of it to read, Jason. It's terrific.

JASON

It sounds interesting.

RORY

I just wrote what I thought.

EMILY

And the line about regretting how evolution had led man to stand on two feet because it led to this night.

LORELAI

[laughs] Sorry. I hadn't read that far.

EMILY

Why are you apologizing? It is funny.

LORELAI

Well, the ballerina in question had kind of a negative reaction to the whole thing.

EMILY

So what?

RICHARD

Well, yes, don't feel badly about this, Rory. Sometimes people don't know at a young age that they're not good at doing something. Now that poor girl can go to business school.

RORY

She's actually not as bad as she sounds.

RICHARD

It's rare to read a truthful review.

EMILY

I was going to go see that ballet, and now I don't have to. Thank you.

RORY

You're welcome, I guess.

RICHARD

We were just burned by a dishonest review in the Courant.

EMILY

That French restaurant.

RICHARD

They must have had the reviewer in their pocket. The man raved about this place, and it was abominable.

EMILY

The food was inedible. And the service - I had to snap my fingers to get our waiter's attention.

JASON

You know, Emily, as a woman of taste, I could use your recommendation of restaurants in the area. I've been away so long, I'm just woefully out of touch.

EMILY

Oh, I'm no more an expert than the next person.

JASON

You're being humble.

LORELAI

Yeah, Mom, cough it up. You've been everywhere.

RICHARD

Multiple times.

EMILY

Well, I guess if you're looking for a place for a business lunch, you can't do better than Portofino's. They give you attentive service without rushing you, and it's wonderful Italian food.

JASON

Well, you can't beat Italian. I mean, is there anyone here who doesn't love Italian?

RORY

Not me.

LORELAI

Or me.

JASON

Good to know. Anything else, Emily?

EMILY

You need more?

JASON

Please. I'm a desperate man.

RICHARD

Well, don't be shy, Emily. You're a walking Zagat guide.

EMILY

Well, there's always Lil's for steak.

JASON

Steak's always good. I'm good with that any time.

LORELAI

I love steak.

JASON

Really? So steak is good. How about ethnic food? Indian? Thai?

EMILY

I personally detest Thai food.

LORELAI

Me, too. Chinese is good.

RICHARD

As long as it's authentic.

JASON

So cross Thai off the list.

LORELAI

I would.

EMILY

Same here.

JASON

How about something with a more romantic atmosphere?

EMILY

Why would you need a romantic atmosphere for business?

LORELAI

Yeah, why?

RICHARD

I'd like to know myself.

JASON

A client might want a recommendation for him and his wife, and I would like to be prepared.

RICHARD

My partner.

EMILY

That would be Mill on the River.

RICHARD

Oh, yes. Very dark, very atmospheric.

JASON

Sounds nice.

LORELAI

Very.

JASON

Good, we've made progress here, but I'm monopolizing the conversation.

EMILY

Oh, that's okay.

JASON

Can I call you later to continue this?

EMILY

Absolutely. Call me sometime next week.

JASON

I'll be sure to do that.

DOYLE

You want to re-review the ballet?

RORY

Yes, I do, Doyle, because I have a brand-new perspective on it and on dance. I was ignorant before, so this would be a whole new piece.

DOYLE

We don't re-review things.

RORY

Well, there's a first time for everything, and I could even buy my own ticket if that's a problem.

DOYLE

But it closed early because of your review.

RORY

I did not know that. But it's not a problem. I'll just redo the one I already did. That ballet is seared in there, so I could just replay it in my head.

DOYLE

But your review was great. People are still talking about it. That's pretty rare.

RORY

Okay, okay. Well, what about just a general-interest article on the lead ballerina?

DOYLE

Is she the hippo?

RORY

No. No. She is an accomplished dancer and her life is quite fascinating. Did you know that she studied dance for fourteen years and has performed in Miami? Miami - that's pretty big. Miami.

DOYLE

It's boring.

RORY

Well, she almost got into Juilliard.

DOYLE

That's not interesting either.

RORY

Well, no, but these are simply background facts of a fascinating personal journey. A personal journey of an artist struggling against the indifference of an indifferent society, just dancing as fast as she can. Well, it's "8 Mile" meets "Fame."

DOYLE

I know what's going on here.

RORY

What?

DOYLE

You're feeling bad about the effect your article had on the people in the ballet.

RORY

No, that's not it.

DOYLE

We heard about the dining-hall confrontation.

RORY

That was not really a confrontation. We were just chatting.

DOYLE

It goes with the territory. When I was your age, I reviewed a clog-dancing team that was really bad. I mean, even compared to other clog dancers. I was merciless.

RORY

But - but if I can't re-review it, then can I just print the things that I meant to put in and didn't have time to?

DOYLE

Hurting people's feelings is what we do.

RORY

But when I become a real journalist, the people in my reviews aren't gonna live in my building.

DOYLE

Doesn't matter. When you write for the Yale Daily News, you are a real journalist.

RORY

I didn't mean -

DOYLE

And if you can't handle it, you should leave the paper.

RORY

I don't want to leave the paper.

DOYLE

Good. Here. Your next assignment.

RORY

Thanks.

DOYLE

Knock 'em dead.

MRS. KIM

Dinner is going to be a little late tonight. My gluten patties caught fire, so we're switching to spaghetti and wheat balls.

LANE

Mama, can we talk about something?

MRS. KIM

What's that?

LANE

It's the jug for Dave.

MRS. KIM

I gave that to you days ago. Why haven't you sent it?

LANE

I can't send it, Mama.

MRS. KIM

What do you mean you can't? Of course you can. I showed you how to tape the bubble wrap.

LANE

No, I mean, I can't!

MRS. KIM

What is wrong with you?

LANE

Mama, please listen.

MRS. KIM

All right.

LANE

This is important, and I want to be clear, and I want to say it right, but it's hard.

MRS. KIM

I'm listening.

LANE

Dave is my first boyfriend, and he's important to me - very important.

MRS. KIM

I know that.

LANE

And his being in California like this, it's been hard, and it's even caused some problems. But in other ways, I think it's brought us closer.

MRS. KIM

Yes?

LANE

But I'm still in school and he's still in school, and while I respect you and I respect the jug and all that the jug represents - all the bright hopes and all the tradition - I cannot give Dave the jug. Not now. Maybe one day, but not now.

MRS. KIM

Okay.

LANE

What are you doing?

MRS. KIM

What do you mean?

LANE

You're putting it with all the clearance items?

MRS. KIM

So?

LANE

You're selling my marriage jug?

MRS. KIM

Your what?

LANE

My marriage jug.

MRS. KIM

What's that?

LANE

The jug you kept to give to the boy I'm going to marry.

MRS. KIM

What are you talking about?

LANE

You told me when I was like six that this was my special marriage jug that you were gonna keep on a special high shelf for the boy I'm going to marry.

MRS. KIM

This thing?

LANE

Yes.

MRS. KIM

It's just a jug.

LANE

What?

MRS. KIM

I probably told you that to make you stop crying. You always cried when you were little. Gave me a headache.

LANE

It's just a jug?

MRS. KIM

I've got tons of them. They're hard to move.

LANE

But -

MRS. KIM

We could make it a marriage jug, whatever that is.

LANE

No, no, never mind. It doesn't matter.

MRS. KIM

I'll send something else to Dave.

LANE

Good.

MRS. KIM

Oh! My wheat balls!

RORY

So, why can't you show your face at Luke's?

LORELAI

It's just for a while. Hey, where are you?

RORY

The theater. That's why I'm talking softly. I'm reviewing some music thing. So, now, why can't you go to Luke's?

LORELAI

I got into an argument with Luke about Nicole.

RORY

Nicole?

LORELAI

They're back together. I didn't know that. I walk into Luke's and there she is.

RORY

And he hadn't told you?

LORELAI

No, and I was the very picture of awkwardness, and basically, I just fled. And when I saw Luke later, we got into a fight about it, and I told him his coffee pots were stupid.

RORY

So it was very sophisticated.

LORELAI

He is so guarded, so uncooperative.

RORY

You know, you should probably get over your problem with Luke being uncooperative.

LORELAI

Well, I don't want there to be weirdness between me and Nicole if she's back in our lives. I mean, Luke has gotta get it through his thick skull that whoever is in his life is in my life, too.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Yes.

RORY

That's not a little stalkery?

LORELAI

No. We are a small, close-knit community.

RORY

So, you're gonna tell Luke about Jason?

LORELAI

What about him?

RORY

Well, there's something happening there.

LORELAI

Not really.

RORY

There was a palpable vibe.

LORELAI

Palpable to everyone?

RORY

Just me. Grandma and Grandpa were oblivious.

LORELAI

Hey, would that be crazy?

RORY

What?

LORELAI

For us to go out together?

RORY

All three of us?

LORELAI

Jason and I.

RORY

A little.

LORELAI

Well, yeah, I haven't decided.

RORY

Well, I'm happy to report that there have been no more run-ins with the ballerina.

LORELAI

Good.

RORY

We're not destined to be buddies anytime soon, but sometimes you have to make an enemy.

LORELAI

When you have a job to do...

RORY

Then you have a job to do. It's starting, I gotta go.

LORELAI

Okay. Have fun.

RORY

I will.