T5E12: “Come Home”

LORELAI

Hey. You built me a shelf. That's so nice.

LUKE

It was anything but nice. I kept using your crazy toothpaste.

LORELAI

There's nothing crazy about my toothpaste.

LUKE

It's cinnamon.

LORELAI

So what?

LUKE

I don't like cinnamon. I like normal flavored.

LORELAI

What exactly is this normal flavor?

LUKE

You know, striped.

LORELAI

Striped. That's not a flavor.

LUKE

It is in the toothpaste world.

LORELAI

Ooo, the toothpaste world. Is that anything like Whoville?

LUKE

I'm exhausted.

LORELAI

[perky]

I'm exhilarated.

LUKE

You know, you don't have to do this.

LORELAI

Hey. Going to bed early every once in a while is good for ya.

LUKE

I have to get up at four. You don't.

LORELAI

Yes, I know, but every night you have early deliveries is a night we spend apart and seriously, where's the good in that?

LUKE

Okay. [He turns off the light.] ‘Night.

LORELAI

Night.

LORELAI

Man, is it quiet. Do you hear how quiet it is?

LUKE

Mm-hmm.

LORELAI

Do you have a pin, 'cause I want to hear it drop.

LUKE

No pins.

LORELAI

Okay. Sorry. So, okay. Good night. [She leans back, then taps Luke on the shoulder.] Hey, Luke. Why don't you have a T.V.?

LUKE

I have a T.V.

LORELAI

No, I mean, in here, in the bedroom so you can watch T.V. in bed.

LUKE

[rolls back over]

I don't watch T.V. in bed. Studies show that it's not good for your sleep.

LORELAI

What studies?

LUKE

Watching T.V. in bed screws up your REM sleep.

LORELAI

But Charlie Rose, Jon Stewart, Pink Lady and Jeff?

LUKE

All screw up your REM sleep.

LORELAI

How does Charlie Rose screw up your REM sleep?

LUKE

Because he's always got some guy on pushing a book about how everything's all going to hell, or they're going to pass a law, how everyone with a nose ring is going to get shipped off to China. Suddenly you're depressed, thinking we're all going to die and don't drink the water, there's anthrax in my bagel - and bam, there goes your REM sleep.

LORELAI

Or Mel Brooks is on, and he is so funny, and you think, "What a wonderful world we live in, that there's a Mel Brooks to go to sleep to."

LUKE

Mel Brooks is never on Charlie Rose, and when he is on he's talking about Nazis, and then you go to sleep and you dream about Nazis and they all look like Nathan Lane, and you're creeped out for days.

LORELAI

You know what ruins your REM sleep, is those articles about REM sleep. And you know what could help you forget those articles about REM sleep?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

A television.

LORELAI

Say goodnight, Gracie.

LUKE

Goodnight, Gracie.

RORY

Move butt, please.

PARIS

In a minute.

RORY

What's wrong with Doyle?

PARIS

Mitchum Huntzberger just left.

RORY

Logan's dad?

DOYLE

My entire body is numb.

RORY

What was he doing here?

DOYLE

What was he doing here? Busting my chops, which are now numb. Oh my God, my chops are completely numb!

PARIS

Don't speak, don't speak.

RORY

So Mitchum Huntzberger stopped by just to make various parts of Doyle's body insensate?

PARIS

He's a deep-pocket alumnus. Every few months Yale reels guys like him in for banquets and luncheons.

DOYLE

And he's going to New York to throw some party for Seymour Hersh on Friday night. [To Paris] A little faster? [She obliges.]

RORY

Seymour Hersh? The New Yorker's Seymour Hersh? Wow.

DOYLE

The man owns thirteen newspapers. He's my best contact in the business and I fell like a house of cards. I made that joke about Abu Grab. God, that was inappropriate.

PARIS

It wasn't supposed to be a ha ha, funny Abu Grab joke. Stop beating yourself up.

DOYLE

Then he busted me on the fact that Logan hasn't had a by-line all year, wants me to light a fire under him and get him to write. [In a deeper, serious voice:] "I'd like to hand the business over to my son, Doyle, so it'd be nice if he knew something about it."

PARIS

He's going to pass his empire on to that playboy cad while a rising star such as Doyle is standing right before him.

DOYLE

In a pool of my own sweat. See, it's kind of a minus.

RORY

I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

DOYLE

[Stands]

Now I'm Logan's journalistic Godfather, and I can't even get the punk to show up, never mind write a story.

RORY

Do you even know if he can write?

DOYLE

Oh, he can write. He's actually an excellent writer. How's that for God giving with both hands, huh? Every now and then, usually when he gets the flu or the clap, and can't party, he'll throw us a bone and write something. It's always good. Damn good. Stupid bastard.

PARIS

Well, you are his editor, Doyle. Talk to him. Assign him something.

DOYLE

I did. He's supposed to cover the student uproar over Assistant Professor Warrick resigning.

RORY

And?

DOYLE

And he said thank you, left the room, and I heard him laughing all the way down the hall. I haven't seen him here since. [He sits.] I don't know what to do. [Paris starts fanning him again.]

RORY

Um, Doyle, I just finished that piece on the dissatisfaction of the faculty with the tenure system, and I bet a lot of my notes would overlap with Logan's story.

DOYLE

Point, Gilmore, point?

RORY

If you want, I could arrange to get together with Logan. Share my notes with him. Maybe it could get him started.

DOYLE

Really? You'd do that?

RORY

Sure. I mean, if it would help you out.

DOYLE

Gilmore, I am loving you at this moment.

PARIS

Moment's over.

DOYLE

Moment's over. Thanks.

RORY

Sure, boss. Anything for the team.

LORELAI

Okay, everyone remember your time cards. Punch in, punch out, including lunch and breaks. Okay, now, next on the agenda is something very exciting. The Dragonfly Inn's first official sexual harassment seminar.

MICHEL

Ah, finally. Yes, good, talk to them.

LORELAI

Sexual harassment is bad. So no one touch anyone in any funny places unless specifically asked. Moving on.

MICHEL

That's it? That's the seminar? Where's the speech about people not ogling other people like an object of desire? How about explaining that the way some people walk with a sway or a bounce, it is natural. It is because we work out, and we take Pilates, and -

LORELAI

No one touch Michel! Moving on. Uh, Billy, Adam, you've got to remember to securely lock the padlock on the stables, not just hook it on. Cletus has figured out how to push it off with his nose, and two days in a row I found him at reception. [She laughs.] Now if you could just check people in, that would be a different story, but - until then, um, lock the stable and check the lock and - Kirk. [She notices Kirk sitting in the back.] What are you doing here?

KIRK

Staff meeting.

LORELAI

You don’t work here.

KIRK

I thought I might like to go into hotel management someday, and I figured this was a good place to learn.

LORELAI

Oh, Kirk, you can’t just crash a staff meeting.

KIRK

[Writing on a clipboard]

“Outsiders cannot crash staff meetings.” I’m learning so much.

LORELAI

Okay, anything else to discuss before we wrap it up here?

MICHEL

Yes. [He stands.] We have a problem with some honor bar discrepancies. For the past few weeks after I have checked a room and found the honor bar intact, the next day, Toblerones are missing.

SOOKIE

What?

MICHEL

Only Toblerones, and only in certain rooms. I think we have thieves.

LORELAI

Or guests.

MICHEL

No, these are not the guests. The disappearances are happening in rooms no one is staying in. I think we have thieves and it’s obviously an inside job. These people are waiting until I’ve made my rounds. They’re waiting until I’ve checked my list, ‘till I initial my list, and only then do they steal the Toblerones.

LORELAI

Maybe you counted wrong.

MICHEL

I say we install surveillance cameras, fingerprint the staff, run the prints through the FBI and have mandatory searches before they leave at the end of their shift.

LORELAI

Oh, well, that sounds great. Everybody drop your pants for Michel before you leave. Meeting adjourned.

KIRK

No food spread? The staff meetings at Connecticut Light and Power always have a lovely food spread. Nice bagels, an assortment of schmear. [The staff ignore him.]

LANE

Hey, Kyon. I’m busy, so quick, what do you got?

KYON

Many things. These come house, Mrs. Kim throw directly in trash.

LANE

My Sam Ash catalogues! What’s that smell?

KYON

They landed in old fish and bok choy.

LANE

Figures, what else you got?

LANE

My old Madonna t-shirt!

KYON

Mrs. Kim use as rag. Says little horse-face good to scrub scum.

LANE

I wore this, ironically, by the way. I was never into her. Not my thing.

KYON

[suspiciously]

Right.

LANE

Anything else, Kyon?

KYON

Overheard conversation. Mrs. Kim having Lunar New Year at her house this year. She expect you to come.

LANE

Oh, she does?

KYON

She says not coming is same as spitting on ancestors and ancestors no like spit.

LANE

Expects me to come. Unbelievable. After she attacks my boyfriend on the street, damning him to the fires of hell and swimming with carnivorous dogs. And now she expects me to smile and curtsey and just go to Lunar New Year dinner like nothing happened. Nice, huh?

KYON

Whoa, I’m not your sounding board. I deliver scoop, you give me Monte Cristo sandwich.

LANE

Fine. Sit over there.

ZACH

There are some good ones here.

BRIAN

Definitely.

LANE

Oh, our band pictures! How are they?

BRIAN

They’re all good.

ZACH

Except the one of you bending over and looking through your legs.

BRIAN

I was just seeing what works.

ZACH

I like this one.

BRIAN

A tree’s covering my face.

ZACH

Come on, dude, the good of the many.

BRIAN

What do you like, Lane?

LANE

I don’t like any of them.

ZACH

What?

LANE

You guys look good, I mean, not the Brian with his face between his legs one, or the profile one where you’ve got your finger in your mouth and the peek-a-boo look –

ZACH

Right, peek-a-boo! That’s what it is.

BRIAN

I was experimenting.

LANE

But I don’t look good.

ZACH

What are you talking about? [He grabs the photo.] You look totally cool, like a real chick.

LANE

I look like the Korean Buddy Holly.

BRIAN

Buddy Holly was cool.

LANE

May he rest in peace, but Buddy Holly was not an attractive man.

BRIAN

I find him attractive.

ZACH

Dude, don’t say every thought out loud.

LANE

Can we re-take them?

ZACH

Like thirty-seven dollars just grows on trees?

BRIAN

You’re being too hard on yourself.

ZACH

Totally. Lame. We’re not Maroon 5 or the Gee Whiz Slicky Boys. We don’t want to look all fake.

LANE

No, but halfway decent would be nice.

ZACH

Lighten up. They work.

CUSTOMER

Miss, some more coffee, please?

LANE

At least she didn’t say mister.

EMILY

The lease on my Mercedes is up next month.

RICHARD

Do you want to buy it?

EMILY

I finally have the seat setting where I like it.

RICHARD

[chuckling]

I’ll make the arrangements tomorrow.

EMILY

Thank you, Richard.

RICHARD

Now, uh, we need to schedule work on the water heater. Um, I was wondering if Friday morning would work for you?

EMILY

Let me look.

RICHARD

They estimate the work to be about an hour, which means they’ll be done in June.

EMILY

Oh, no, I have a hair appointment Friday morning.

RICHARD

For what?

EMILY

[smiling]

What do you mean for what?

RICHARD

Your hair looks perfect to me.

EMILY

Oh, now.

RICHARD

Well, I can arrange for Robert to let the workman in and supervise it if that works for you.

EMILY

Well, that would be fine. Thank you, Richard.

RICHARD

You’re welcome, Emily. What’s next on the agenda?

EMILY

The Modern Museum gala is coming up.

RICHARD

Oh, yes. Martin Forman is being honored this year.

EMILY

And Sugar Farthington is organizing it.

RICHARD

Well, if Sugar’s organizing it, then of course you should go.

EMILY

Well, if Martin’s being honored, then you should go.

RICHARD

Sugar is one of your closest friends.

EMILY

Martin is one of your most trusted colleagues.

RICHARD

Well, then, perhaps we should both attend.

EMILY

That does seem to be the sensible thing to do.

RICHARD

All right. Then we’ll both attend.

EMILY

[smiling]

Fine.

RICHARD

Uh, so, have we discussed the water heater?

EMILY

Yes, we have.

RICHARD

Ah. More water?

LOGAN

Hey, Ace.

RORY

Hi, Logan. I didn’t see you there. Hey. Um, how are you?

LOGAN

I’m good.

RORY

Oh, good. Good. Okay, so good. Um, here they are.

LOGAN

These are the notes for one story?

RORY

Yeah, I’m kind of a note freak.

LOGAN

[sitting]

Man, Ace, I’m impressed and partially terrified.

RORY

Okay. Well, I’ve divided them up into sections, so [pointing] interviews, research, statistics. I wasn’t sure what you already had, but I figured there’s something here that can help you with your story.

LOGAN

I hope you’re getting extra credit for this.

RORY

Oh, it’s nothing.

LOGAN

Seems like a lot of work on your part, going through this stuff, organizing it for me.

RORY

Well, I’m kind of an organization freak, too.

LOGAN

Plus, I’m sure it wasn’t your idea to give up your evening like this, to come here and meet me. Was it?

RORY

Um, I’m just doing a little public service. That’s all.

LOGAN

Public service?

RORY

Yes. Doyle looked like he was about to liquefy after your dad talked to him, so I chose to stop that from happening, for the sake of the janitorial staff.

LOGAN

Yeah. He has a thing for by-lines, my father.

RORY

Apparently he has plans for you.

LOGAN

Yes. Isn’t that thrilling. Sorry Doyle took the hit. My dad can be a real bully when he wants to be.

RORY

He’s a very interesting man.

LOGAN

You met him?

RORY

No, I’ve just... read about him. I mean, he’s a big guy.

LOGAN

Maybe you’ll get to meet him someday.

RORY

[nods]

Oh, did I show you how I divided these up? Interviews, research, um –

LOGAN

So how come I never see you around?

RORY

I’m around.

LOGAN

Yeah? Where?

RORY

Class, coffee cart, the student’s store when I run out of thumbtacks...

LOGAN

Wow, thrilling life.

RORY

I’m really not that boring.

LOGAN

Oh, I know you’re not boring.

RORY

Oh, Doyle told me that your dad is throwing a party for Seymour Hersh?

LOGAN

Ah, you want to talk about boring?

RORY

How can meeting Seymour Hersh be boring? I love him. I read My Lai Four when I was twelve and I’ve been obsessed with him ever since.

LOGAN

You read a book about the My Lai massacre when you were twelve?

RORY

Well, I polished off Nancy Drew that year too.

LOGAN

Well, I guarantee, these parties always turn into a bunch of drunks discussing stocks, cars and the latest friends to be indicted. It’s boring. I just go, take a date so I have somebody to talk to, and bail as soon as my dad’s back is turned.

RORY

Oh, so you’re going?

LOGAN

Daddy says.

RORY

Wow, lucky.

LOGAN

No.

RORY

To spend the evening with a great writer, and to get to meet him, hear him talk? Very, very lucky.

LOGAN

You think so?

RORY

Definitely.

LOGAN

Well, maybe this time it won’t be so bad after all. [A pause; Rory looks uncomfortable.] So, do you want to get something to drink or do you have to go?

RORY

No, I don’t have to go. I don’t have anywhere to go.

LOGAN

Okay. Be right back.

LORELAI

Hey, Lane.

LANE

Hi, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hmm. You look different.

LANE

I do?

LORELAI

Yeah, you look cute. I mean, you always look cute, but this is just a new facet of your cuteness.

LANE

Thanks. You look cute too.

LORELAI

I have a boyfriend, so maybe this flirting thing we’ve got going on should just end here.

LANE

Coffee to go?

LORELAI

It’s that special time of day.

LORELAI

What was that?

LANE

It’s been like that for an hour. It’s the damn oven.

LORELAI

The damn oven?

LUKE

[OS]

Damn oven!

LORELAI

What’s up with the damn oven?

LUKE

I bought this damn oven and the thermostat doesn’t work!

LORELAI

The damn thermostat or just the thermostat?

LUKE

Are you being cute?

LORELAI

Sorry, go on!

LUKE

So I went and I got a new thermostat, and now I can’t figure out how to replace the damn thing.

LORELAI

So it is a damn thermostat.

LUKE

I don’t have time for this.

LORELAI

Come on! You can do this. [Luke roars at it.] Step at a time here. You pulled the knob off each gas tap on the range, right?

LUKE

[OS]

Uh, yeah. So?

LORELAI

Then you remove the four screws securing the face panel, then you remove the panel.

LUKE

[OS]

Yeah, I did that.

LORELAI

Hmm. Then you disconnect the oven and gas supply pipe from the outlet of the thermostat?

LUKE

[OS]

This is where I got stuck.

LORELAI

[nodding]

Did you release the oven sensor retaining clips from the oven lining?

LUKE

[OS]

No. No, I didn’t. [Pause] Okay! Got it!

LORELAI

Now just pull the sensor out, you should be rolling now.

LUKE

[coming out from the kitchen, amazed]

So how, how?

LORELAI

How what?

LUKE

How do you know this?

LORELAI

Well, I couldn’t get to sleep the other night, you know, when we went to bed, and so I read your oven manual.

LUKE

You’re kidding.

LORELAI

Well, it was either that or the broiler manual, and the oven won, ‘cause it’s shiny and pretty.

LUKE

You never cease to amaze me.

LORELAI

And I never will. Bye, Doll. [They kiss] And hey, leave the broiler manual out for me. I’m kind of into this whole kitchen appliance genre now, you know? “Kitch lit”.

LUKE

All right.

LORELAI

Hey there, Zach.

ZACH

Howdy.

LANE

Hi there.

ZACH

Well, aren’t we bouncy?

LANE

I’m in a pretty good mood.

ZACH

Why’s that?

LANE

I’m just feeling nice and light.

ZACH

[looks closely at her]

What’s up with your face?

LANE

Oh, what do you think is up with my face?

ZACH

It looks all nude.

LANE

For a good reason.

ZACH

You’re not wearing your glasses.

LANE

That’s right.

ZACH

But you’re blind without your glasses.

LANE

The wonder of contacts.

ZACH

Contacts?

LANE

Contacts.

ZACH

Why?

LANE

Why? So I don’t have to wear glasses.

ZACH

So, like, for all the time?

LANE

Yeah – you okay?

ZACH

I guess. I mean, that’s a pretty big thing to just spring on a guy.

LANE

Why?

ZACH

You don’t look like you.

LANE

Yes, I do. It’s just me, my face, without being impeded by a foreign plastic object.

ZACH

But you’re the first smart girl I’ve ever gone out with, and the glasses are a big part of that.

LANE

Well, my I.Q. is still the same. Contacts don’t change that.

ZACH

But you lose that initial impact. Now people will have to talk to you for a few minutes to figure out that you’re smart.

LANE

Well, then, that’s what they’ll have to do.

ZACH

Okay. I’ll try to get used to it.

LANE

Yeah. And you will.

CUSTOMER

I’m sorry, am I supposed to eat my soup without a spoon?

ZACH

Of course she doesn’t think that, okay? She’s really smart, she’s just not wearing her glasses! [He hands him a spoon.]

MAN #1

You should have heard him, Richard.

RICHARD

Oh, I can imagine.

MAN #1

They had him on speakerphone, and when Lori heard him screaming she ran in holding her shoe. She thought I was being attacked.

RICHARD

[chuckling]

Well, you’re in good hands with that Lori.

MAN #2

I wish I had a secretary who’d defend me with her shoe.

RICHARD

Well, he may be mad now, but wait until we go to court.

MAN #1

Well, maybe he’ll settle.

MAN #2

Oh, he’ll never settle.

RICHARD

Ah, he will, if we send Lori in with her shoe.

MAN #2

Mmm.

MAN #1

He’s certainly got his lawyers working on this.

RICHARD

Well, we’re going to have to bring in outside counsel. It’s going to get a little messy. Who’s available?

MAN #2

How about Maurice Newson?

RICHARD

No. He over-colognes.

MAN #1

Briar?

MAN #2

No. Briar’s on the Delfini case.

MAN #1

Oh, yeah.

RICHARD

What about Simon McLane?

MAN #2

I don’t think you really want Simon on this one, Richard.

RICHARD

Why not? He’s always done a top-notch job for us before. He’s aggressive, he’s not sloppy. He’s very creative.

MAN #1

Yes, but Richard –

RICHARD

What?

MAN #2

Well, we just assumed you wouldn’t want to work that closely with Simon anymore, you know, since the whole thing with him and Emily?

RICHARD

[realization]

Ah. Yes. [He looks pained.] Well, what about Brandt?

MAN #2

Brandt!

MAN #1

Brandt. Mm-hm. Very good.

MAN #2

Terrific.

MAN #1

Brandt it is.

LORELAI

Well, apparently the whole padlock discussion was a big dud. I just got a call from Mrs. Berg. Cletus is standing in her wading pool. I need carrots.

SOOKIE

Bottom shelf.

LORELAI

Oh, I love it when I talk and no one listens. Makes me think of home.

MICHEL

Okay. I just took the Andersons to room three, I opened the door and when I went inside I found that the bedspread was mussed!

LORELAI

The bedspread was mussed!

SOOKIE

[gasps]

Call a cop!

MICHEL

I checked that room personally after it had been cleaned. It was perfect! No muss!

LORELAI

No fuss!

MICHEL

Why are you joking? Why? Do you not care that people are sneaking into our rooms, mussing the beds, eating the food?

LORELAI

Okay. I’m sorry. You’re right.

MICHEL

I know I’m right. I do not need you to tell me I’m right.

LORELAI

Okay. So, what do we think is going on here?

MICHEL

I believe that our employees are clandestinely using our rooms for sexual encounters on their coffee breaks.

LORELAI

Come on.

MICHEL

Lars and Celia seem awfully friendly lately. You don’t notice them making goo-goo eyes? And Celia has put on weight. Perhaps one too many Toblerones.

LORELAI

I don’t think Lars and Celia are having an affair.

SOOKIE

Hey, maybe we got a ghost.

LORELAI

A ghost. That would be cool. People love haunted inns.

SOOKIE

I wonder what kind of ghost we have.

LORELAI

Maybe a Confederate Soldier.

SOOKIE

Or a lonely spinster that never married.

LORELAI

Or Patrick Swayze.

SOOKIE

In search of his lost career.

LORELAI

Maybe we have ghosts having sex and then eating Toblerones.

SOOKIE

[giggles]

Ooh, hungry, horny ghosts.

MICHEL

I am done with both of you.

LORELAI

I guess I should go up to room three, and see what’s – Kirk! What are you doing here?

KIRK

I’m assembling the bouquet garni.

SOOKIE

I thought you hired him.

LORELAI

I did not hire him.

KIRK

I thought I might want to work on a kitchen staff someday, and I figured this was a good place to learn.

LORELAI

Kirk, get out!

KIRK

Can I at least finish my shift?

SOOKIE

No!

LORELAI

Hello.

RORY

Hey. What’s up?

LORELAI

We have ghosts.

RORY

Well, it’s better than rats. Listen, I need a favor.

LORELAI

From me?

RORY

Yes, from you.

LORELAI

Oh, well, let me get out my list. Okay, I’ll write this favor down right under the one that says “Gave me life”.

RORY

Look. I may have a thing Friday which would mean that I have to get out of Friday night dinner.

LORELAI

A thing?

RORY

I was wondering if you could cover for me?

LORELAI

What kind of a thing? A man thing?

RORY

Possibly a man thing.

LORELAI

Okay, spill. Who is he?

RORY

I don’t want to jinx it, okay? It’s not a definite. When I know it’s a go I promise I’ll fill you in. Completely.

LORELAI

I can’t believe you’re going to leave me alone with my parents just so you can have a social life. What happened to the good old days, with the spinster daughter taking care of the parents and living a lonely, sexless existence?

RORY

So you’ll cover for me?

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

Thank you. I’ll call you later.

LORELAI

Bye honey. [She hangs up.]

MICHEL

Hey. I just asked Lars if he was seeing anyone special. He misunderstood and he might be filing one of those sexual harassment charges against me. And you, ‘cause I said you made me. [Hey turns and rushes outside.]

LORELAI

Hey, hey. Michel! Come back here!

KIRK

I’ll get him.

ZACH

Okay, guys, let’s try it again and let’s try not to suck.

LANE

We’ll get it. We just have to focus.

BRIAN

By the way, your ‘E’ string is a little flat.

ZACH

Which, by the way, makes it a little bit more rock and roll. Okay, are we ready?

LANE

I’m down.

ZACH

Eins, zwi, drei, vier...

GIL

Hey, could you not do the countdown in German? It’s depressing.

ZACH

Fine. One, two, three, four.

ZACH

Who the hell is that?

BRIAN

I hope it’s not my girlfriend’s husband. [giggles]

ZACH

Oh, that’s fresh!

LANE

Mama.

MRS. KIM

You couldn’t even hear me over that noise.

LANE

That noise is my passion, Mama, and you’re keeping me from it.

MRS. KIM

‘E’ string was flat, too.

LANE

What can we do for you?

MRS. KIM

This year I am hosting Lunar New Year dinner. You are to come.

LANE

Why?

MRS. KIM

You are my daughter. Not coming is humiliation.

LANE

Have we forgotten the incident at the newsstand?

MRS. KIM

The what?

LANE

You yelled at my boyfriend, in public, Mama! What’s that, if it’s not humiliation?

MRS. KIM

That is in the past.

LANE

Not for me.

MRS. KIM

You must come to this.

LANE

Oh, yeah? Well, only if I can bring my boyfriend.

MRS. KIM

What?

LANE

It’s both of us or neither of us. Take it or leave it.

MRS. KIM

I have only enough chairs for those invited.

LANE

You sell chairs, Mama, you have eight hundred chairs.

MRS. KIM

Fine. Bring boy. But if boy comes, I invite the Parks. They come.

LANE

I hate the Parks.

MRS. KIM

You shouldn’t hate the Parks.

LANE

You hate the Parks. They’re mean.

MRS. KIM

I get to hate the Parks.

LANE

Fine. If the Parks come, how about if I bring my whole band? The whole noisy lot of us. How about that? Will that work?

MRS. KIM

Yes.

LANE

What?

MRS. KIM

Bring them all!

LANE

The whole band?

MRS. KIM

Yes. See you then.

LANE

Bu -

LANE

We’re all invited to a party.

BRIAN

Are we early? I don’t hear anything.

LANE

That’s the sound of a couple dozen Christian Koreans partying down.

GIL

Trippy.

BRIAN

[sees the ornament hanging on the door]

Oh, cool. Bok jo ri. They’re used to separate grains of rice from small stones. They symbolically catch happiness for the New Year.

GIL

How do you know that?

BRIAN

I’ve done a little internet research on Korean New Year. Surf the ‘Net, there’s a lot of information there.

GIL

There’s also a lot of pictures of girls with tattoos on motorcycles. You would think it gets old, but it doesn’t.

LANE

[To Zach]

Sorry about this.

ZACH

I feel like I’m going to the dentist.

LANE

That’s not an unusual thing to feel when approaching the Kim house.

ZACH

I just hope I don’t throw up in the bok jo ri.

LANE

I’ve got your back, okay? You’re not alone.

GIL

Are you sure they’re home? There’s not a sound.

LANE

I’m sure. Go ahead and knock. [Gil knocks.] Uh, Gil? The AC/DC ring.

GIL

Right. Sorry.

MRS. KIM

Hello.

LANE

Hello, Mama. I said we’d come and we’ve come.

GIL

I’m Gil.

MRS. KIM

Yes.

LANE

And Mama, you know Brian.

BRIAN

Say hay boke-mahn he pah du say oh. [Korean New Year’s blessing]

LANE

He likes the internet.

MRS. KIM

And who’s this half-boy hiding behind you?

LANE

That’s Zach, Mama. You’ve met him too.

BRIAN

[pouting]

Happy New Year, I guess.

MRS. KIM

Yes. Come in.

LORELAI

Well, lookie here, the fleet’s in town. [She bends down to see Davey.]

JACKSON

Yep. We’re having a little Davey-Daddy night tonight. Just the men being manly. Want to punch me in the stomach?

LORELAI

I’ll pass on the punch.

JACKSON

Listen, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.

LORELAI

I don’t want to pull your finger either.

JACKSON

I know now is an important time for you guys. The inn’s just getting off the ground. There’s a lot of extra work. But if you could just encourage Sookie to ease up a little – delegate.

LORELAI

Sookie, delegate?

JACKSON

I know. But with the pregnancy and all? And I know her hours are generally pretty good. Most nights she’s home by seven. It’s just these new late nights that worry me.

LORELAI

Late nights?

JACKSON

I mean not worry me, worry me. I just don’t want her to overdo it.

LORELAI

Oh, sure. Sure. But, Jackson, I think Sookie left before me tonight.

JACKSON

Oh, no. She called. She said the new kitchen help’s a little slow. Whatever. I know she has to do it. It’s just every week now. It’s no big deal. Just see if you can say something.

LORELAI

Oh. Okay, I’ll see what I can do.

JACKSON

[to Davey]

Okay, son. I think it’s time to get you laid.

LORELAI

Oh, that’s sweet. Bye, boys.

EMILY

[Calling back into the house]

Gretchen, I can still smell the fish from here!

EMILY

Well, funny running into you here. You look very nice.

RICHARD

[aloof]

Thank you.

EMILY

Do you have the directions? I have an extra copy if you need it.

RICHARD

I’m fine. Thank you.

EMILY

[puzzled at his formal manner]

All right. I guess I’ll see you there.

RICHARD

Seems inevitable, doesn’t it?

GIL

Good eats. Slimy.

BRIAN

I’m enjoying it.

GIL

I like slimy food, ‘cause it slides down easy, and I get the sense it keeps sliding, right? Which helps your colon and stuff, ‘cause it scrapes as it slides, and since it’s not in you long, you don’t get fat, you know?

ZACH

Just eat.

LANE

You’re not hungry?

GIL

Slimy food doesn’t float my boat like it does others. [He sets down his chopsticks and stands up.] I’ll be right back. I have to go to the bathroom.

KID

You’re not allowed to leave the table.

ZACH

Nature’s calling, kid.

KID

[yells]

Nature must wait!

ZACH

How’s about keeping it down, there, scooter?

KID

[still yelling]

Sit ‘till we’re done!

ZACH

[to Lane]

If I beat the crap out of this little kid, will anyone care?

LANE

Mama locks the bathroom door while we eat, anyway.

ZACH

Super.

MRS. KIM

We are done eating. There will be a thirty minute break till dessert, while Mrs. Shin and her fellow musicians play for you in the other room. Mrs. Shin, better start setting up.

GIL

Look at the funky guitar! Awesome!

BRIAN

It’s a Gayaguem. And if I’m not mistaken, I believe I spotted a Dahnso and a Janggoo on the way in.

GIL

Man, I gotta check this out. [He starts to get up, then looks at the kid.] Can I get up?

KID

Yes.

ZACH

Yeah, he can get up?

KYON

You have much knowledge of Korean culture.

BRIAN

[surprised]

Thanks.

KYON

That was forward of me. I should retire to my room and sleep.

BRIAN

No, don’t do that. It’s okay.

RORY

I can’t believe you’ve never seen the Office!

LOGAN

I feel very stupid.

RORY

Well, you should. It’s brilliant. Especially the fourth time you see it.

LOGAN

What happens the fourth time you see it?

RORY

You can actually understand what they’re saying. I have them all on DVD. You can borrow them if you want, but only if promise to abide by the fourth time rule.

LOGAN

I’ll abide by your fourth time rule. If it’s as good as you say, I’ll raise you a fifth.

RORY

Deal.

LOGAN

Oh, here, I almost forgot your notes. [He lifts the pile of file folders out of his bag.]

RORY

Oh, I hope they helped.

LOGAN

They did. Some guy tried to mug me earlier and I beat him to death with them.

RORY

Hey, I like my research.

LOGAN

I like your research too, and thank you.

RORY

It helped?

LOGAN

Story’s done, Doyle’s safe, all is right with the world.

RORY

You’re welcome.

LOGAN

So.

RORY

So.

LOGAN

It’s been fun.

RORY

Yeah. It has been.

LOGAN

Okay, so I should get going. I’m headed to New York.

RORY

Right. For your dad’s party.

LOGAN

Yep. So, have a good weekend.

RORY

Oh, yeah. You too. Have a good weekend.

LOGAN

And hey, don’t be a stranger.

LORELAI

Hey, Kirk.

KIRK

No messages.

LORELAI

Super.

LORELAI

Oh, behold our ghost.

SOOKIE

Okay, this isn’t what it looks like.

LORELAI

I don’t know what it looks like.

SOOKIE

I’m just watching T.V.

LORELAI

Because we have the convenient channel list next to the bed?

SOOKIE

No. Though it is convenient.

LORELAI

Sookie, you want to tell me what’s going on? You know, before Kirk changes into his maid’s outfit and starts to clean the room?

SOOKIE

A few weeks ago I read in the paper that there was going to be an episode of Dark Shadows on, the one where Barnabas is released from his tomb, and I used to love Dark Shadows, and I just suddenly really wanted to see it.

LORELAI

Sure.

SOOKIE

So, I didn’t get off work in time to get home and see it, so I just came up here, and it was just supposed to be that one time, but the room was really nice, and I was really comfortable, and there were Toblerones, and I just had the best time. It was an hour all to myself, and the next week it was another good episode, and I just kinda –

LORELAI

Decided to haunt the place.

SOOKIE

I tried to clean up afterwards, and the bed was not mussed. Michel is too anal for his own good. I’m horrible.

LORELAI

You’re not horrible.

SOOKIE

I am. I’m the most horrible person in the world.

LORELAI

Well, my mother will be sad to know she’s been dethroned.

SOOKIE

I’m lying to my husband. I’m eating the inn’s candy!

LORELAI

You can’t discuss this with Jackson? Tell him you need one night a week to yourself to watch Dark Shadows? He wouldn’t understand that?

SOOKIE

Of course he would understand. That’s the problem. Jackson would immediately tell me, “Sit down, relax, watch T.V” and he’ll take care of Davey.

LORELAI

Huh. Men are pigs.

SOOKIE

And then I would sit there racked with guilt because he works all day too, and I would think about the fact that I’m shirking my motherly duties, and it would ruin everything. But here –

LORELAI

I get it.

SOOKIE

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.

LORELAI

Oh, don’t worry about it. I do think you should tell Jackson, though. He thinks I have you chained to the stove. He’s worried you’re working too hard.

SOOKIE

I know. I’ll go home right now and tell him.

LORELAI

Okay.

SOOKIE

Of course, it’s the episode where Barnabas kidnaps Maggie.

LORELAI

And imprisons her in a coffin in the mausoleum’s secret room in punishment for disobeying him?

SOOKIE

Yeah!

LORELAI

Scoot over.

SOOKIE

[excited]

Really?

LORELAI

Yep.

SOOKIE

Ah, cool!

SOOKIE

Toblerone?

LORELAI

Mmm. These rooms are nice.

SOOKIE

Mm-hmm.

EMILY

Excuse me, I need a ticket!

SIMON

Emily!

EMILY

Simon! Well, this is a pleasant surprise!

SIMON

Waiting for someone?

EMILY

Yes, a mysterious man with an exotic accent and a red coat to give me a ticket for my car.

SIMON

Ah. Well, I wish you a great deal of luck.

EMILY

So, who are you here with?

SIMON

My daughter and her husband. They’re right over there. I’d love for you to meet them. [He waves at them.] Diana, come here for a second!

EMILY

Oh! What on earth?

RICHARD

Emily.

EMILY

Richard! Have you lost your mind?

RICHARD

I misjudged the distance.

EMILY

You misjudged the distance! You hit my car!

RICHARD

I was distracted.

SIMON

Emily, are you okay?

RICHARD

I’m her husband, Simon. I’ll ask her if she’s okay. [To Emily] Are you okay?

EMILY

I’m fine.

RICHARD

She’s fine, Simon. Are you happy? Now, go away.

SIMON

Emily, maybe you should see a doctor.

EMILY

No, I –

RICHARD

We will determine whether she needs to see a doctor. This is a family matter.

SIMON

I’ll call you tomorrow and see how you are.

RICHARD

She’ll be fine, Simon. She doesn’t need your call. [He walks threateningly toward Simon.] Do you hear me, Simon? Don’t call.

EMILY

Were you bitten by some kind of rabid animal?

RICHARD

Let’s go. [To a valet] You! You! I’m taking her home. I’ll come back for this car.

EMILY

You’re what?

RICHARD

You were just in a car accident, Emily. You can’t go to a party after having been in an accident. Let’s go.

EMILY

What are you doing?

RICHARD

Maybe we should take you to the hospital.

EMILY

I think it’s a toss-up who needs the trip to the hospital more.

RICHARD

When you pull up to a valet stand, you get out of the car. You don’t dawdle.

EMILY

I was waiting for someone to take my car!

RICHARD

Well, you wait outside the car! Everybody knows that.

EMILY

It is not my fault that you ran into my car.

RICHARD

I know you dated him.

EMILY

What?

RICHARD

Simon McLane! I know you dated Simon McLane!

EMILY

Richard, I was just in an accident. Now is hardly the time to discuss this.

RICHARD

Fine. I found out about it in a business meeting, which was hardly the time to find out about it, but fine.

EMILY

It was dinner.

RICHARD

Dinner. Of course.

EMILY

Nothing happened.

RICHARD

Of course nothing happened.

EMILY

Stop it, Richard. I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true.

RICHARD

Well, I told you that nothing happened between me and Pennilyn Lott. That all we did was have lunch. And I wouldn’t have said that if that weren’t true!

EMILY

Well, then, there’s nothing more to be said about these things.

RICHARD

I agree.

EMILY

People are staring, Richard.

RICHARD

We’re going.

LANE

Dessert is it. We wolf it down, we’ve done our duty, we’re out of here.

ZACH

I’m counting the seconds.

MRS. KIM

Lane.

LANE

Yes, Mama?

MRS. KIM

I need your help in the kitchen.

LANE

My help?

MRS. KIM

Food got extra stuck to pots tonight. Need you to pound the hammer while Aunt Jun holds the chisel. Come. [Lane doesn’t move.] Lane, come now.

LANE

I’m watching the music, Mama. We’re watching – my boyfriend and I. Maybe when it’s done.

MRS. KIM

Dirty plates don’t wait for Gayageum. I ask you, you come.

LANE

I’m here as a guest, and, by the way, I didn’t hear you ask. I heard you demand.

ZACH

Lane –

MRS. KIM

Because you don’t offer. As I taught you to.

LANE

Here we go.

MRS. KIM

Such insolence!

ZACH

Lane –

LANE

You don’t get it, Mama.

MRS. KIM

Oh, I get it. You’re modern woman now. Too big to chisel crust off plates. Just standing there, grooving to Gayageum.

LANE

Mama –

MRS. KIM

You have values. Values I did not teach you. Spending time with boys – living with boys! Banging drums and playing noise in a rock band with boys!

LANE

Mama –

MRS. KIM

Paint in your fingernails, gel in your hair. So vain now, you no longer even wear your glasses!

LANE

I’ve got contacts! I don’t need them.

MRS. KIM

You’re not you without your glasses.

ZACH

I agree.

MRS. KIM

What?

LANE

What?

ZACH

It’s just – your glasses. I liked your glasses. You should wear them. I’m just saying.

MRS. KIM

She should wear them. She should always wear them.

ZACH

I’ve said it before, but it’s true. They made you look smart.

MRS. KIM

Of course they made her look smart. She’s a smart girl. Glasses fit her.

ZACH

Totally.

LANE

Zach –

MRS. KIM

You always looked good in them. Glasses suit her face.

ZACH

The black frames, especially with her hair –

MRS. KIM

She wore them in the first grade. She first girl in her class.

ZACH

And I bet she looked great.

MRS. KIM

I have pictures in a photo book. I could show you.

ZACH

I’d love to see them.

LANE

Wait, Zach –

MRS. KIM

Come. We chisel pots later.

ZACH

Aw.

GIL

Aw, yeah! Awesome! You guys rock. Do you know Inna Godda Davida?

RICHARD

I’ll make arrangements to get your car to the shop tomorrow.

EMILY

Thank you.

RICHARD

You might want to re-think that lease, though. [Pause] Are you sure you’re feeling all right?

EMILY

I’m fine.

RICHARD

I don’t want to go back to the pool house.

EMILY

Come home.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

Hey. What are you doing here?

RORY

Friday night dinner. Is it not Friday night dinner?

LORELAI

No, I mean yes, but I thought you had a thing.

RORY

Oh, well, it wasn’t a for sure thing.

LORELAI

You made it sound for sure.

RORY

It was a maybe thing, and now it’s a nothing.

LORELAI

Oh, you look disappointed.

RORY

I don’t want to talk about it.

LORELAI

Do you want to talk about it?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Okay. Not even to tell me who the guy is?

RORY

He’s no one. Forget it.

LORELAI

Okay. Well, the mystery of the Gilmore dinners continues.

RORY

Meaning?

LORELAI

The pool house is empty.

RORY

Grandpa forgot about us again?

LORELAI

Yes! Apparently all the complexes incurred in my childhood were not enough. They need to keep a’coming.

RORY

Did you check on Grandma yet?

LORELAI

I’m on my way there now. [Gasps] Is it Marty?

RORY

Forget it, Mom.

LORELAI

Okay. But is it?

RORY

No!

LORELAI

[looking in the window]

Oh – oh!

RORY

What are they doing together?

LORELAI

Are they arguing?

RORY

No – well, I don’t know, they don’t look mad.

LORELAI

Oh, great. I’m so not in referee mode tonight.

RORY

Grandma just laughed.

LORELAI

Eh, it could have been an evil laugh. A “I’m laughing at your pain” kind of laugh.

RORY

Looked like a plain old laugh to me.

LORELAI

Oh, Dad’s picking up an ashtray. He’s going to throw it at her! Finally.

RORY

No! No, he’s just moving it.

LORELAI

I don’t get it. What is going on? What are they doing?

RORY

I don’t –

RORY

Holy!

LORELAI

Ah – oh my God. My parents are having an affair.

LORELAI

Oh, careful, it might be a trap.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I don’t know. I’m freaking out. This does not compute, does not compute.

RICHARD

Girls! Wonderful to see you.

LORELAI

Hi.

RICHARD

Come in, come in, come in.

EMILY

Hi, you’re just in time.

LORELAI

For what?

RICHARD

The celebration. [A maid enters carrying a tray.] Ah! Champagne. Perfect.

RORY

What are we celebrating?

RICHARD

Uh, should we tell them?

EMILY

They’re going to find out sooner or later.

RICHARD

All right, then. Lorelai, Rory, your grandmother and I have reconciled. We are officially back together.

RORY

Really? Oh my God! [She hugs them.] That’s great! I’m so happy.

LORELAI

When did this reconciliation happen?

EMILY

Yesterday.

RICHARD

And last night. And this morning.

EMILY

Richard.

LORELAI

[scolding herself]

Don’t ask questions. Don’t ask questions. Don’t ask questions!

EMILY

And next week your father and I are going to renew our wedding vows.

RICHARD

A week from tomorrow, on our fortieth wedding anniversary.

RORY

Aw!

LORELAI

Wow. That’s great!

EMILY

And you’re going to be my maid of honor.

LORELAI

Uh, wha-

ROBERT

Excuse me, Mr. Gilmore. Mr. Jeffries from the Windsor Club for you.

RICHARD

Ah, yes. Thank you, Robert. [Robert exits.] Oh, by the way, I’m firing Robert next week.

EMILY

You won’t need him.

RICHARD

No, I won’t. [Answering the phone] Richard Gilmore here. [Pause] The Gold Room? Ah, yeah, would you hold on for a moment, please? Uh, Emily, they say they can free up the Gold Room.

EMILY

How are we supposed to fit a twenty piece band in the Gold Room? No, we need the Rose Room.

RICHARD

Right. [On the phone.] I’m afraid the Gold Room won’t do. We need the Rose Room. [Pause] Well, perhaps they’d be willing to switch dates. We’d certainly be happy to make it worth their while. Of course, I’ll hold.

EMILY

Richard, we just have to get the Rose Room.

RICHARD

Don’t you worry, our company insures that building. We don’t get that room, suddenly they have a very expensive foundation upgrade to go through.

EMILY

I married a wonderful man, girls.

RORY

Yes, you did.

LORELAI

Hey, Mom, about this whole, um, maid of honor thing?

EMILY

Oh, yes. Richard, can you spare us a moment? I want to take Lorelai upstairs.

LORELAI

Why?

RICHARD

Of course.

LORELAI

Wha- why do you want to take me upstairs?

EMILY

Wonderful, we’ll be right back. [She pulls Lorelai up.]

LORELAI

Why doesn’t Rory have to go upstairs?

RICHARD

I’ll finish this phone call and then Rory and I will discuss the possibility of her being my best man.

RORY

Really? I’m going to be your best man?

LORELAI

[afraid]

What’s upstairs?

CELINE

[OS]

Ah, Emily. Wonderful timing. Please start with the Oscar de la Renta. Susan Hayworth never wore anything but de la Renta in her final days. Clark Gable never knew what he was missing. [laughs] He was a cad, but the crease in his pants was immaculate. [She emerges from the closet and gasps.] Oh, my God! It’s Natalie Wood.

LORELAI

Hello, Miss Celine. You look wonderful.

CELINE

Olive oil on the inside and on the outside. Anna Manana taught me that.

EMILY

I think this has too much lace, Celine.

CELINE

Ah, there can’t be too much lace, as long as it’s Italian. What do you think, Natalie?

EMILY

What do you think?

LORELAI

Whatever you want, Mom.

EMILY

Lorelai! You’re my maid of honor. I need your opinion here.

LORELAI

Well, I kind of like that one, or even the one next to it.

EMILY

I’ll try them both. [She takes them into the dressing room.]

CELINE

You’ll try them all. I had the worst row with Dietrich once. I told her, “Marlene, until you actually become a man you must try dresses on like a woman.” And that means all of them.

CELINE

Are you married, Natalie?

LORELAI

Oh, no, not yet.

EMILY

[OS]

Actually, Celine, she just opened her own business. She owns an inn now.

CELINE

Hmm, an inn, how charming.

CELINE

Emily, do you need breasts or are yours sufficing for the moment?

EMILY

[coming out wearing the lace-covered dress]

I’m fine for the moment, Celine.

CELINE

Oh, my God, you’re Mary Martin. Take it off immediately.

EMILY

Oh, dear.

LORELAI

Here, try this one on, Mom.

EMILY

[OS]

You know, I’m trying to decide whether to go with a hat or some sort of headpiece, or whether that’s too much.

CELINE

When I was dressing Marilyn for her wedding to Arthur Miller, I told her, I said, “Marilyn! Wear a flat hat on your head. It will remind him of a book.” She didn’t, and we all saw how that turned out.

LORELAI

You wear whatever you want, Mom.

EMILY

Celine, I’m going to need some help with this zipper.

CELINE

Oh, very elegant. Very nice, oh. There you go, Mrs. Oscar Lavant, love that. Here, try the Dior just for giggles, hmm?

EMILY

All right.

LUKE

I will never, under any circumstances, no matter how short a dress you put on, go back to Al’s Pancake World ever, ever again.

LORELAI

[OS]

Aw, you didn’t like your manicotti?

LUKE

That was not manicotti, it was square and flat and blue.

LORELAI

[OS]

Yeah. Manicotti’s rarely blue.

LUKE

You know, I’ve been thinking, uh, maybe I shouldn’t go to this thing of your parents’.

LORELAI

First Al’s Pancake World, and now my parents vow renewal?

LUKE

I’m serious. I’m not really their favorite person. They don’t really want me there.

LORELAI

Hey, I’m not their favorite person either, and I still have to go.

LUKE

I know, it’s just – it’s going to be this big fancy thing with all their friends. And, you know, I just –

LORELAI

Listen. My parents are very weird people. They don’t hate you. They just don’t know you. This is the perfect opportunity. They’ll be happy. They’ll be smashed. You show up, shake some hands, get in a few family pictures, and before you know it my mother will be trying to convince you you’re too good for me. [Luke sighs.] Come on, it’ll be fun. Good food. Open bar. I’m wearing a fabulous dress and as maid of honor, if you’re not there, I’ll have to get drunk and make out with the best man. Who is Rory. So you can see all the creepy ramifications of your absence here.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

Okay? [Luke nods.] Okay. [She gasps, seeing the T.V.] Hey! You got a T.V.!

LUKE

Oh. Yeah.

LORELAI

Since when did you get a T.V.?

LUKE

I just picked it up this morning.

LORELAI

What about your REM sleep?

LUKE

Hey, twice a week you’re going to bed at 9:30 like a 72-year-old woman because I have early deliveries, so I figured the least I could do is make sure you don’t miss your Charlie Rose or your Patrick Stewart –

LORELAI

Jon Stewart.

LUKE

And plus, I can sleep through anything. Once I’m out, I’m out.

LORELAI

Oh, I know.

LUKE

So, here. [He hands her the remote.] Enjoy.

LORELAI

[turning on the T.V.]

You are too good for me.

LUKE

Well, maybe I’ll meet a nice girl at your parent’s wedding.

CHRIS

Emily. Wow, this is a surprise.

EMILY

May I come in? [She walks in.]

CHRIS

Yes, please come in. I didn’t even know you knew where I lived.

EMILY

I know all kinds of things. [She looks around.] Obviously you have a maid.

CHRIS

Yes, I have a maid-nanny combo.

EMILY

Ah. How McDonald’s of you.

CHRIS

Uh, can I get you something? A tea, or coffee, or –

EMILY

I’m fine, thank you. [She looks down at Gigi.] So, this is the child.

CHRIS

Yes, this is Georgia. We call her Gigi.

EMILY

And her mother’s still gone?

CHRIS

Yes. She’s in Paris.

EMILY

All right. I’ll come straight to the point, Christopher. Now, I have known you a long time. I watched you grow up. You were a charming boy. A weak, but charming boy. And to be completely honest, I never thought much of you. I still don’t.

CHRIS

Wow. That’s great of you to come by and share that with me.

EMILY

However, you have good breeding. You come from an impeccable and you love Lorelai. You’ve always loved Lorelai. You would’ve married her when she got pregnant. I know that. And you would have married her if that girlfriend of yours hadn’t gotten pregnant with this. [She gestures at Gigi.] I know that too. Lorelai’s in a relationship now, did you know that?

CHRIS

Yes, I know that.

EMILY

He owns a diner. He’s a divorcee. He’s uneducated, he’s not a proper stepfather for Rory and he’s completely unsuitable for Lorelai. My daughter is stubborn, but she’s capable of greatness. And watching her settle down with a man who could hold her back from that is unacceptable. You, at least, won’t hold her back.

CHRIS

Okay, Emily, I’m very confused by this speech of yours, and Gigi needs to be fed.

EMILY

She’s getting serious with this man. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. If you want a chance with Lorelai you had better do something. And you had better do something now. [She places an envelope on the table.] Timing has never been your strong point, Christopher. You should see if you can change that. Goodbye, Gigi. Enjoy your program.