T5E13: “Wedding Bell Blues”

LUKE

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You don't? Well, when are you going to get it in? Fine. Two boxes of annular thread silicon pronged boat pads. [Lorelai enters.] A band saw. A wood rack, and a jack plane. Yeah, I'll hold.

LORELAI

Eh? Apparently now we've been married for forty years?

LUKE

Sorry. This stupid boat supply place does everything but actually supply anything.

LORELAI

Oh, catalogues. I love catalogues.

LUKE

It's boating parts. Yes, yes, I'm here! [Pause.] None of them. Man, you must have a lot of room in that place of yours. Yeah, sure. Backorder it. What the hell.

LORELAI

Oh! Look at these boots!

LUKE

Let's try twenty C-clamps, five inches or larger. A box of quarter inch teak buns, marine caulk.

LORELAI

And the boots. Get the boots.

LUKE

Yeah, go check. I'll hold. [To Lorelai] What are you babbling about?

LORELAI

I want these boots.

LUKE

Those are work boots.

LORELAI

They're yellow and cute. I'll look like the Morton's Salt girl.

LUKE

How the hell did you find something to buy in my boat supply catalogue?

LORELAI

Size nine, please?

LUKE

Yes, I'm here. None of them? Well, at least you're consistent. Okay, backorder all of them. Yes, the C-clamps, the teak buns, the marine caulk - [rolls his eyes at Lorelai, who is kissing the boots in the catalogue.] - and one pair of fisherman's boots, size nine. [Lorelai raises a fist in victory.] Of course, those you have. Okay. Send them right along. Uh-huh. [He hangs up the phone.] They'll be here Tuesday.

LORELAI

Aw, you didn't have to do that.

LUKE

Hey, is it okay if I come over tonight and work on the boat a little?

LORELAI

With what? Sheer masculinity and some imaginary sandpaper?

LUKE

I have plenty to do until the backorder stuff gets here.

LORELAI

All right. I thought you were going to spend the evening trying to figure out how to fling yourself down the stairs just hard enough that you won't have to go to my parents' thing tomorrow, but not so hard that you actually die.

LUKE

No, I thought instead that I'd try to find a wild boar to maul me just enough that I'll need medical attention so I won't be able to go to your parents' thing tomorrow, but after some stitches and a transfusion, I'll still be able to make you coffee.

LORELAI

Oh, much better plan.

LUKE

I've started to run the rigging. I just wanted to get a little further on it.

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Rory's spending the night. We're having a Cop Rock marathon.

LUKE

Okay. Here's your donuts.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LUKE

And your coffee.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LUKE

And my final plea to not make me go to this thing tomorrow.

LORELAI

[Pause.] You do not have to go.

LUKE

Fine. I'll go.

LORELAI

I love it when I break you with just the sheer anticipation of a wear-down!

LUKE

Hold on, did you say Cop Rock marathon?

LORELAI

Yeah, I got 'em all on tape. [Pause.] Trying to figure out what you see in me?

LUKE

Yep.

LORELAI

Wait'll you see me in the boots.

LORELAI

Okay, I know I was the one that said I was craving mashed potatoes, but, oh my God, they're a lot of work.

RORY

It's instant mashed potatoes. Key word: instant.

LORELAI

Oh, no, not instant. I have to mix water and butter into it, not to mention the adding of salt and pepper.

RORY

OK The Best of Super Furry Animals complete.

LORELAI

Oh! Plus I have to rip the package open, dump it into a bowl and, oh my God, are they serious? I have to stir the mixture to combine? What is this, the Gulag?

RORY

Hey, do you want the Arcade Fire?

LORELAI

I don't know, do I?

RORY

Yes.

LORELAI

Then yes. So basically once I'm finished with all this manual labor, I still have to clean the bowl.

RORY

And the spoon.

LORELAI

What do I use the spoon for?

RORY

Stir to combine.

LORELAI

[Waves her hand around in the bowl.]

Pfft. Right. What do I use the spoon for?

RORY

Oh, my mistake. Carry on.

LORELAI

So let's cut to the chase. How badly do you want these mashed potatoes?

RORY

You wanted the mashed potatoes.

LORELAI

'Cause with tater tots I can just rip and dump.

RORY

Then stick with your strengths. Brain Master Eno coming up next.

LORELAI

Who is it?

LUKE

[OS]

It's me.

LORELAI

Me who?

LUKE

[OS]

Rory, can you just open the door? [She does.] Do you have an extension cord I can use?

RORY

I'll go look.

LORELAI

Hi! Come on in.

LUKE

No, that's all right. I don't want to disturb you guys.

LORELAI

Oh, you're not disturbing us.

LUKE

Well, I'm dirty.

LORELAI

Well, so's the house.

LUKE

And if I come in there I'll see what you guys are planning on eating and I'll want to kill myself.

LORELAI

It just so happens I am making a garden spring salad with three bitter lettuces and a breaded French country chicken.

LUKE

[Sarcastic]

Really, you are?

LORELAI

No. So how's the boat coming?

LUKE

Slow.

LORELAI

Oh, well, you should've built a motorboat.

RORY

[returning]

Extension cord.

LUKE

Thank you. I'll let you get back to taking five years off your life.

LORELAI

Meh. They were the five where I would've been wearing fuschia lipstick way beyond my lip line, so I wouldn't want 'em anyhow.

LUKE

See you tomorrow.

LORELAI

Ten-thirty sharp.

LORELAI

Okay. First course ready?

RORY

Ready!

LORELAI

Let's Cop Rock.

LORELAI

Hello?

EMILY

I picked up my dress from the dressmaker and it's a disaster.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

I got it home and it's falling apart. I need you to fix it.

LORELAI

Uh, but -

EMILY

I'm coming over.

LORELAI

No, Mom, I -

EMILY

Yes, I need you to fix this.

LORELAI

I'm not the woman who made it. Make her fix it.

EMILY

When a woman gives birth to a crack baby you do not buy her a puppy.

LORELAI

What does that mean?

EMILY

I want this dress to be perfect for tomorrow, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Yes, Mom, but -

EMILY

It's the most important day of my life, Lorelai!

LORELAI

It's not even the most important day of your marriage!

EMILY

I'll be there in half an hour, Lorelai. [She hangs up.]

LORELAI

No. Hello? Mom? But - [She hangs up.] She's coming over.

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

Because she won't buy her seamstress a puppy.

RORY

Oh, sure.

LORELAI

Something about her dress. Crap, what are we going to do?

RORY

I don't know!

LORELAI

We can't eat all of this before she gets here.

RORY

Most of it.

LORELAI

Sure, most of it.

RORY

But not the tater tots or the pizza tower.

LORELAI

Okay, we'll have to do the evening in two parts. We'll watch one Cop Rock, eat this stuff here, she'll come over, I'll get her dress done as fast as I can, then we'll continue with our evening.

RORY

Maybe we should put it off.

LORELAI

She comes, I fix, she goes, we Rock. Now eat.

RORY

Hmm. [She reaches for a pop-tart.]

LUKE

Oh! Hi, Emily. I just - I didn't see you standing there. I'm just working on my boat.

EMILY

You're building a boat?

LUKE

Yes.

EMILY

Does it float?

LUKE

Not yet.

EMILY

Aren't boats supposed to?

LUKE

Eventually, yes.

EMILY

Well, at least you have a hobby.

LUKE

Yes. Thank God for that, huh?

EMILY

Idle hands, and whatnot.

LUKE

It will float eventually.

EMILY

Oh, I'm sure it will.

LUKE

I just have to do a little more -

EMILY

Well, I should get inside.

LUKE

Yeah, it's nice seeing you again.

EMILY

Yes.

LUKE

Oh! Uh, congratulations.

EMILY

For what?

LUKE

You know, your thing tomorrow, renewing your vows.

EMILY

You congratulate the groom. You offer the bride best wishes.

LUKE

Oh. [Pause.] Uh, best wishes.

EMILY

Why, thank you, Luke. How sweet of you to say. I'll see you tomorrow.

LUKE

Hey, I'm looking forward to it.

LORELAI

Mom, great. Come on in. Okay, so, is that the dress?

EMILY

Yes, yes -

LORELAI

Okay, well, let me take a look here.

RORY

Hi, Grandma. Big day tomorrow, huh?

EMILY

That wasn't your dinner, was it?

RORY

No, that was just the appetizer.

EMILY

Oh, well that's a relief.

LORELAI

Mom, I don't see anything wrong.

EMILY

Lorelai, are you blind? Look!

LORELAI

Where?

EMILY

Right there. [She points.] That bead and that bead and that bead, all loose.

LORELAI

Okay, I see it now. I don't know how I missed it. Well, this is going to take me no time at all, five minutes tops.

EMILY

Well, don't rush it.

LORELAI

No, no, no rush. It's an easy job. Three and a half minutes and you're on you're way. You don't even need to sit down, because by the time you do, this'll be done. In fact you should have just left the car running 'cause that's how quick this is going to be. [She bolts up the stairs.]

RORY

So how you holding up, Grandma?

EMILY

I'm a wreck, actually.

RORY

Why?

EMILY

Well -

LORELAI

[From upstairs]

Two minutes and we're done!

EMILY

I still can't decide exactly what to do with my hair, and I have absolutely zero faith that my wedding planner is going to be able to pull this off -

LORELAI

[returning with her sewing things]

Thirty seconds - someone clock me. [To Emily, who is taking off her coat.] What are you doing?

EMILY

Do you have anything to drink?

LORELAI

No, no, Mom, why are you taking off your coat?

EMILY

Some wine, or some chilled vodka, perhaps?

LORELAI

Yeah, but you might want to hold off on having a drink, Mom, 'cause you're going to be driving in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

EMILY

Well, I could use a little something. Calm my nerves about this wedding planner I hired.

LORELAI

I'm sure everything's going to be fine.

EMILY

I don't see how it can be, everything is so last minute, and I didn't even get a decent rehearsal!

LORELAI

Mom, I promise you, I have successfully walked in a straight line at least once before. I can get you the cop's name if you want to talk to him.

EMILY

Oh, well, it's too late to do anything about it now. [She gets up to go into the kitchen.]

LORELAI

No, no, Mom. Wait, I'm almost there, I'm almost there! I'm done, I'm done, I'm done!

LORELAI

Stop her from getting a drink.

RORY

How?

LORELAI

Show her Nick Nolte's mug shot. [Answering the phone.] Hello?

RICHARD

Lorelai! How are you?

LORELAI

I'm fine, Dad, how are you?

RICHARD

Oh, don't you worry about me. I am in good hands. Isn't that right, boys?

MAN

Right!

LORELAI

Geez, Dad, hanging out at the bath house again?

RICHARD

I am at my bachelor party, Lorelai, and I just thought I'd call and see how your little gathering was going.

LORELAI

My -

RICHARD

Now, I want you to have a wonderful time, and go as crazy as you think is necessary. But make sure your mother doesn't mix her alcohol. Sometimes when she has a little bit too much vodka, she forgets and she goes on to gin. I need her sober and looking beautiful for tomorrow.

MAN

Otherwise you don't have to go through with it. [They laugh.]

LORELAI

So, Dad, Mom told you we were having a party?

RICHARD

Well, she told me she was heading over to your house this evening to spend a little time with "the girls", so I put it all together. I'm a very brilliant man, Lorelai. Anyhow, I won't keep you any longer. Just return your mother in one piece, sans tattoos, please.

LORELAI

Okay. Will do.

RICHARD

Have a scandalous time. I'll see you girls tomorrow.

LORELAI

Okay, so here's a fun twist for your viewing pleasure. My father thinks my mother is here for her bachelorette party.

RORY

What? Why does he think that?

LORELAI

I think she told him that.

RORY

Oops.

LORELAI

Ah, were we supposed to throw her a bachelorette party?

RORY

I don't know. You're the maid of honor. Aren't you supposed to plan these things?

LORELAI

I didn't think you had a bachelorette party when you hadn't been a bachelorette for forty years. Oh my God, she is going to hold this against me for the rest of my life.

RORY

So what do we do?

SOOKIE

Davey had just fallen asleep.

LORELAI

I know, I'm sorry. Thank you for coming over at the last minute. Is that -

SOOKIE

Potstickers.

LORELAI

Ah, I love you.

RORY

[Walking by, in the hall]

Hi, Sookie!

SOOKIE

Mmhmm.

LORELAI

Go on in the living room.

SOOKIE

Okay. [She starts walking out the door.]

LORELAI

[Turning her around]

The other living room.

SOOKIE

Okay.

LORELAI

You're going to have to open your eyes now.

SOOKIE

[entering the living room]

Okay.

GYPSY

Hey, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hey, Gypsy. Thanks for coming on such short notice.

GYPSY

I'm always up for a good party.

LORELAI

Emily is in the living room with the others.

GYPSY

Great. Who's Emily?

LORELAI

Follow me, I'll point her out.

GYPSY

Okie dokie.

LORELAI

Look, everyone, it's Gypsy!

EMILY

[drunk]

Gypsy! Gypsy's here! Everyone, Gypsy's here!

LORELAI

Gypsy, that's Emily.

EMILY

Come on, Gypsy, come over here and sit by me.

GYPSY

Okay.

EMILY

I have to say, Lorelai, I am loving this drink. Have you ever had one of these, Gypsy?

GYPSY

I don't know.

EMILY

It's called a rum and coke.

BABETTE

You know, you may look high-brow, Emily, but underneath, you're just a broad.

EMILY

Did you hear that, Gypsy, I'm a broad.

GYPSY

Yeah, I always suspected.

RORY

[To Lane and Kyon, sitting quietly]

How's it going?

LANE

Great.

KYON

What are we doing here?

LANE

I tried to explain it to her, but it's not working.

RORY

We are throwing my grandmother a bachelorette party.

KYON

But she is married.

RORY

Yeah, but they're doing it again.

KYON

But why?

RORY

Because they want to tell each other that they love each other all over again.

KYON

But why?

RORY

Because they do.

KYON

But why?

RORY

Because it's fun.

KYON

But why?

RORY

Because - [She looks at Lane.]

LANE

Hey, you lasted one more 'But why' than I did.

PATTY

So, Emily, tell us about this party of yours tomorrow.

EMILY

It's going to be fabulous. Isn't it, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Ab fab, sweetie darling.

EMILY

Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she like a chimp, Gypsy?

GYPSY

Please make your mother stop talking to me.

LORELAI

If only I had that power.

EMILY

The party is going to be very, very big. Flowers everywhere, and my dress is incredible. The woman who made it is a genius.

BABETTE

So where's it going to be?

EMILY

The Windsor Club.

SOOKIE

Ooh, fancy.

BABETTE

Well, that ain't no toilet bowl.

EMILY

No, it certainly is not. It is the perfect place to have my perfect wedding. And what I had to go through to get it, let me tell you. [She goes to take a sip of her drink.] Lorelai, the cup's empty!

EMILY

It was booked up two years in advance, and the Sheldrakes had the Rose Room. They were having a retirement party or something like that, [Lorelai pours extra rum in Emily's cup] and they simply refused to let us have the room. They were stubborn, and selfish, and now, after all the strings I pulled, they are across town at the Bluestone Club, with their piped-in music and their pornographic fountains.

PATTY

EMILY

I must say this is the best bachelorette party I ever had.

SOOKIE

I really feel like we should play games or something, or have naughty gifts like edible underwear or dirty-shaped pasta.

LORELAI

Yeah, too bad - oh, oh! [She gets up.] Just a sec.

EMILY

Where is she going? Gypsy, where is she going?

LORELAI

Aha!

SOOKIE

What are you doing?

RORY

No way!

SOOKIE

Where did you get that?

LORELAI

You gave it to me.

SOOKIE

Oh, yeah. [She giggles.]

LORELAI

[handing Emily the box of pasta]

Mom, for you on your special night.

EMILY

[taking it]

What's this? Oh my God! Oh my God!

KYON

What are they laughing at?

LANE

[picks up a plate]

Have a tater tot, Kyon.

LORELAI

My mother is fast asleep in my bed, clutching my Hello Kitty pillow, and yes, I have pictures!

RORY

I cannot believe how much rum Grandma drank tonight.

LORELAI

How much rum she drank? [She opens up a purse.]

RORY

Hey, that's Grandma's bag. [Lorelai pulls out a book.] What are you doing?

LORELAI

I have no idea, I am drunk. [She skips into the kitchen.]

RORY

Hey! Come back here with that. [She follows her mother into the kitchen, looks in her room where Sookie is asleep. She closes the bedroom door.] What are you doing?

LORELAI

There is no way I'm sitting next to Missy Hollargan.

RORY

Stop that, that's Grandma's seating chart! [She goes to the fridge to get Lorelai some water.]

LORELAI

I know, I'm just fine-tuning it. Oh, the Ramsey's divorce must be legal by now. Time for a little reunion.

RORY

You're evil and I'm going to tell.

LORELAI

Well if you tell, then I'm going to tell cousin Drew, aka the Power Spitter, that you like him.

RORY

You're mean.

LORELAI

Hmm. Man, I'll say one thing for my parents, they certainly command a good turnout.

RORY

Hey, do you think the Sheldrakes will be unhappy at the Bluestone Club?

LORELAI

Oh, I have no idea. However, I do know that Dinky Shaw is going to be sitting next to her ex-husband's daughter from his second marriage. This is the daughter whose conception caused the second marriage. And everybody should bring an extra roll of film.

RORY

Seems mean. Getting them kicked out like that. Seems mean.

LORELAI

Seems Gilmore.

RORY

Mom -

LORELAI

Rory, this is how it works in my parents' world. Trust me, the Sheldrakes are busy screwing someone at the Bluestone out of something as we speak.

RORY

If you say so.

LORELAI

These people live in a universe where they feel entitled to get what they want, when they want it, and they don't care who's in their way. I hate that world. Vapid. Selfish. It's like that Life and Death Brigade you wrote about.

RORY

What do you mean?

LORELAI

You know, like a bunch of selfish rich kids, the children of entitlement, blowing off school. Drinking for days. Spending thousands on a stupid and potentially dangerous stunt, knowing full well that they're not going to get in trouble, 'cause Daddy is important. They're all the same.

RORY

[Defensive]

They're not all the same. You don't even know them. And that's not what I wrote. I didn't say all those things about them. You're just reading whatever you want to into it.

LORELAI

[confused]

Okay, sorry.

RORY

Just because you have money, that doesn't automatically make you a jerk.

LORELAI

I know. I didn't mean it like that. [She sighs] So, new subject?

RORY

Yeah, new subject.

LORELAI

Hey, I wonder if my mother would notice if she and Dad were suddenly at different tables. [Rory gives her a look.] Okay.

LORELAI

[Calling downstairs]

Hey, have you seen my Sparkly Venom lip gloss?

RORY

[OS]

Yes, I have, it's at school.

LORELAI

[OS]

Well, as long as it's safe.

RORY

[OS]

Hey, what time is it?

LORELAI

[OS]

Ten thirty-five. Rats!

LORELAI

[OS]

Rory, can you get that?

RORY

[OS]

I'm not dressed yet!

LORELAI

[OS]

You're not? It's ten thirty-five!

RORY

[OS]

So?

LORELAI

[OS]

Finally, that childish punctuality of yours has worn off.

RORY

[OS]

Stop.

LORELAI

[OS]

My baby's a woman.

LUKE

Hello?

LORELAI

[OS]

Luke?

LUKE

Uh, yeah. The front door was open.

LORELAI

[OS]

I'll be right there.

RORY

[OS]

Hi, Luke!

LUKE

Hey, Rory. You know your front door was open? It wasn't like that all night, was it?

LORELAI

[Coming down the stairs.]

Hey! You look nice!

LUKE

You're not dressed.

LORELAI

No, I'm getting dressed there.

LUKE

I didn't know you could get dressed there.

LORELAI

Rory, let's motor!

LUKE

I would have gotten dressed there.

RORY

'Kay, I'm ready. Hey, you look nice.

LUKE

Yeah, I didn't know you could get dressed there.

LORELAI

Don't worry about it.

LUKE

You didn't mention there was a place to get dressed there.

LORELAI

Oh, we're late. Let's go!

LUKE

Wait, aren't you going to lock up?

LORELAI

Babette, lock up when you leave?

BABETTE

You got it, honey! [To Luke] Oh, you look nice.

LORELAI

Oh, please let them not be here yet.

RORY

They'll be here.

LORELAI

Well, you tell them you were running late.

RORY

You were running late too.

LUKE

My pants are all wrinkled from the ride.

LORELAI

Do you see them?

RORY

No.

LUKE

It looks like I slept in them.

LORELAI

Hey, stop being such a Nancy-boy about the pants. Think Hemingway ever gave a crap what his pants looked like?

LUKE

Hemingway blew his brains out, also. How much of a role model do you want me to make this guy?

EMILY

Well, there they are.

RICHARD

Hello, girls.

LUKE

Apparently they're going to change here also.

LORELAI

Sorry, um, Rory had a little emergency.

RORY

So did Mom.

EMILY

I hope everything's all right.

LORELAI

Yes. Just fine. How is everything going?

EMILY

Utter disaster. That moronic wedding planner finally fulfilled her potential. I get here and I go through my seating chart, and it's a mess. It looked like a drunken psychopath took a stab at it. I had to re-do the entire thing. It took me two hours and years off my life.

LORELAI

Maybe she just got confused.

EMILY

She did get confused. Confused about what her profession should be. Anyway, I fired her. That should help clarify things for her.

RORY

Third realm of hell, party of one.

LORELAI

Mom, how could you fire her now? Who's going to run the wedding?

EMILY

Well, luckily Marilyn came into town early for the ceremony, and she offered to help out.

RICHARD

You know that Marilyn was a very intimate friend of Cecil Beaton. He named an end table after her.

LORELAI

Hmm.

EMILY

And on top of all that, even though we managed to get the Sheldrakes out of the Rose Room, the women's club that owns this place has their still life painting class at four today in the Salon, and they refuse to give it up.

LORELAI

Are you using the Salon?

EMILY

Of course we're not using the Salon. What on earth would we use the Salon for? Oh, Luke. You're here.

LUKE

Uh, have been, actually.

EMILY

Richard, did you see Luke?

RICHARD

No. Why, Luke, there you are.

LUKE

Hey, Mr. Gilmore. Best wish- congrat- nice suit.

RICHARD

Thank you, Luke. I can have my tailor steam out those trousers for you.

EMILY

[laughing]

Oh, Richard, that's not what he's wearing to the ceremony. I'm sure he's going to change. All right, girls. Let's go get settled.

LORELAI

[to Luke]

Are you okay to hang here for a while?

LUKE

I'm sure. I'm fine. You go.

MARILYN

Emily. The florist is here and everything looks fabulous.

EMILY

Really?

MARILYN

No. But it will. [gushing] Lorelai, you look divine. Oh, and Rory. That skin. Gorgeous, I can't find the words. And who is this?

LORELAI

Oh, Marilyn, this is Luke. Luke, this is my cousin Marilyn.

LUKE

Nice to meet you.

MARILYN

You, too. [Pulls Lorelai aside.] Is he a gardener?

LORELAI

Uh, no, he owns a diner.

MARILYN

Oh, I've always wanted to have an affair with a gardener. Apparently that's very 'in' now.

EMILY

Marilyn, we're going to the bridal room now.

MARILYN

And I have gardenias to deal with.

RICHARD

I'll see you in a little while. I'll be the handsome one holding the ring.

EMILY

My favorite kind of man.

RICHARD

Psst, Lorelai. I need you to do something.

LORELAI

Oh, spy voice. Cool.

RICHARD

Focus, please?

LORELAI

I am a camera.

RICHARD

I want to give your mother a present. But I don't know what her dress looks like. So, I need you to take these [He pulls out two necklaces], wait till she's not looking, hold them up to the dress, pick the one that looks best, bring it back to me and I will give it to her. Got it?

LORELAI

Got it.

RICHARD

Go.

LORELAI

Which one do you want?

EMILY

[points]

That one, the other for my birthday.

RORY

[gasps]

Look at that, it's so fancy.

EMILY

Your grandfather has perfect taste in necklaces and earrings. It's very important to find a man who can pick out your jewelry.

LORELAI

[whispers to Rory]

Or steal it.

EMILY

Where are you going?

LORELAI

Uh, to give Dad back the necklaces.

EMILY

Hang your dress up first.

LORELAI

Oh.

RORY

I'm going to go change.

LORELAI

Great. Come back as Thora Birch.

EMILY

[sits down at the vanity]

Oh, Lord, look at that. Pierre has his work cut out for him today.

LORELAI

Stop it, Mom, you look gorgeous.

EMILY

Lorelai, why am I doing this?

EMILY

Oh, yes. It is pretty, isn't it?

LORELAI

It's pretty frickin' awesome is what it is.

EMILY

Oh my God, I'm so nervous, I haven't eaten a thing all day.

LORELAI

Do you want me to whip up a little pasta for you, Mom?

EMILY

Stop that. Maybe I should take a Seconal.

LORELAI

Excellent idea, Judy. All right, my dress is hung.

EMILY

Make sure you hurry back. Lisette will be here to do your hair any minute.

LORELAI

My hair is already done.

EMILY

Don't worry. She can fix it.

EMILY

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm just so nervous, I can't think.

LORELAI

Why are you nervous?

EMILY

I'm getting married!

LORELAI

For the second time. Mom, it's a pretend wedding. J.Lo has them all the time!

EMILY

Well, it certainly feels like a real wedding. After all, we've been separated for months. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to have a man around the house. Oh, God, I missed him. It's a wonderful thing to have a husband, a partner, somebody who's always there. Oh, Lorelai, don't you think you'll ever want to be married?

LORELAI

Well, um - [smiles] actually, I do.

EMILY

[shocked]

Well, that's nice.

RORY

[coming out of the dressing room in her 'tux']

Best man in the house!

EMILY

Oh, my goodness, Rory, you absolutely look adorable!

LORELAI

Say, aren't you the culture Queer Eye guy?

EMILY

Ignore her, you look dashing.

LORELAI

Yeah, now go buy me some earrings.

RORY

I like it.

LORELAI

Hey, it's not fair that she gets to dress like that.

EMILY

Your dress is beautiful.

LORELAI

Yeah, but she gets to wear, like, a costume. Can’t I dress like your maid? It’ll be whimsical and I can wear flats.

EMILY

Go give the necklaces back to your father.

LORELAI

You so like her better.

MARILYN

So, tell me, Luke, have you ever considered being a gardener?

LUKE

Uh, I’m not much good at growing things.

MARILYN

Oh, Luke. That’s the least important part of being a gardener.

JUDGE

May you all be seated, please. [They sit. As the judge talks, Rory notices the girl next to Logan lean over and whisper in his ear. Logan laughs. She appears jealous.] I have known Richard and Emily Gilmore for twenty years now. I know them to be two of the most formidable opponents the world has ever seen. They complement each other. They defend each other. They were made for each other. And today, in front of friends and family, Richard and Emily have chosen once again to say to each other, “I choose you”. [Luke and Lorelai smile at each other.] How many of us in a lifetime even get chosen once for something we really want? [Christopher enters late and sits down, trying not to draw attention.] Richard and Emily, will you please face each other. Please repeat after me. I, Richard Gilmore.

RICHARD

I, Richard Gilmore...

LORELAI

And over here we have the Romanov table.

LUKE

Wow. Look at those flower arrangements. This thing must’ve cost a fortune! They’re real orchids.

LORELAI

A little gayer, please.

LUKE

I’m just saying.

MARILYN

Oh, wasn’t the ceremony perfect? The candles and that judge. I should have married him. I was such a snob, I wouldn’t have a civil servant. [To Luke] You’re saving a dance for me. [She leaves.]

LUKE

Oh my God, there’s dancing?

LORELAI

Yeah. We’re doing the one from Pulp Fiction. Do you want to be Uma, or should I?

RORY

I’ll meet you guys at our table later.

LORELAI

Table five, hon.

LORELAI

Aw, man. I’ve already seen ten people I hate, twenty people I know whose names I can’t remember, and forty people I don’t know but who will expect me to know them anyhow.

LUKE

A bar. Thank God. [They go over to the bar.]

LORELAI

Hey, I need you to run major introduction interference for me.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Well, you have the advantage. No one knows you here, you can’t insult them by forgetting their names. [To the bartender] Vodka tonic.

LUKE

And a beer.

LORELAI

Someone comes up, I’ll take a drink. My mouth will be full, I can’t talk. How would that look, right? Then you jump in, offer your hand. [In a deep, “man” voice] ‘Hi, Luke Danes. And you are?’ ‘I’m Mr. Blockenfeffer.’ By then I will have swallowed. ‘Oh hi, Mr. Blockenfeffer, I’m Lorelai, remember me?’ ‘The bane of your mother’s existence?’ ‘Exactly. Nice to see you again.’ ‘Nice to see you again. And nice to meet you, Luke.’ ‘Nice to meet you, Mr. Blockenfeffer.’ ‘You kids have a lovely evening.’ ‘No, you have a lovely evening. Our love to Mrs. Blockenfeffer.’ Oh, look.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

My Aunt Totsy. Mmm. Lovely woman. She hugs you, you smell like her for a month.

LUKE

Yep. [To the bartender] Keep these coming.

LORELAI

Thanks.

MAN

Actually, it’s not that difficult at all. You just start with the siblings and count down even generations. The children of siblings are first cousins, the grandchildren of siblings are second cousins and so on. That makes you and Ceci third cousins, because Mee-maw and your great-great aunt Mary were sisters. See? Now, if the generations aren’t even, that’s where you indicate with ‘removed’. For example, you’re Trip’s second cousin, but Trip’s daughter is your second cousin, once removed. So if Ceci ever has grandchildren, you’ll be third cousins twice removed, whereas they will be my second cousins thrice removed, and my great-grandchildren’s fifth cousins. See, it’s not

BRUCE

I’m Bruce McAllister, and this is my wife, Susan.

LUKE

Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Bruce, and Susan.

LORELAI

[swallowing]

Hi, Bruce, remember me? Lorelai?

BRUCE

Yes, it’s nice to see you again.

SUSAN

Well, we should find our table. We’ll talk to you later?

LUKE

Okay. ‘Bye, Bruce. [They shake hands.]

LORELAI

‘Bye, Susan. [They walk away.] That’s what I’m talking about. [They look around.] Mmm. Whoops, Marilyn’s getting Totsied. [She forces Luke to turn around to avoid someone.] Oh! How are you doing? You having a good time?

LUKE

It’s okay.

LORELAI

Um, I have to tell you something.

LUKE

Are you okay?

LORELAI

Yeah, um, [whispers] Christopher’s here.

LUKE

Oh, well, I guess he knows your parents, so ¯

LORELAI

Yeah, but, um, so Christopher’s father died a couple weeks ago, and, um, he took it pretty hard. He had a terrible relationship with the man. [She looks over at Chris.] I went over there one night. The night before the re-enactment. Um, I brought tequila and we talked and drank, just two old friends hanging out. That’s all.

LUKE

You went over there?

LORELAI

To comfort him. I know I should have told you about it, I just didn’t because I didn’t want you to read anything into it, or think anything weird, and I’m only telling you now because he’s here and it might come up, and I don’t want you to feel shanghaied.

LUKE

[glaring]

Yeah, that would be bad.

LORELAI

I’m sorry, Luke. Nothing happened. Please believe me.

CHRIS

Hey, Lor.

LORELAI

Hi, Chris. You know Luke.

CHRIS

Uh, no, not really. I’m Christopher.

LUKE

Yeah. Heard a lot about you.

CHRIS

You, too. The coffee is legendary.

LORELAI

Luke and I are dating.

CHRIS

That’s great.

LORELAI

Have been for, what, four months now? Man, time, it flies when you’re having fun, huh? Big fun. Nothing sexual intended, although ¯

LUKE

Sorry about your dad.

CHRIS

Yeah. Thanks.

LORELAI

I told him about your dad, and the tequila.

CHRIS

Oh, yeah. It was rough, Lorelai helped me a lot, just being there.

LUKE

She’s a very considerate person.

LORELAI

Hey, who likes my dress? ‘Cause, man, you should have seen the one my mother wanted me to wear.

LUKE

You’re cutting off my circulation.

LORELAI

[Letting go of his arm]

I’m sorry.

CHRIS

Hey, so where’s that kid of ours?

LORELAI

Uh ¯

EMCEE

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to present to you for the first time, this century, Mr. and Mrs. Richard Gilmore.

LORELAI

Well, we should take our seats, now, see you later, Chris.

CHRIS

We’ll have a drink.

LORELAI

Be great.

LORELAI

Something wrong?

RORY

Coffee sucks.

RICHARD

Thank you. [clears his throat.] On behalf of myself and my second wife, Emily, I would like to thank you all for coming here to help us celebrate. You are good friends, and we are very, very lucky. Now, in planning our traditional first dance, I gave a lot of thought to the song that would represent the next phase in our marriage. The best phase in our marriage, I believe. [Emily blows him a kiss.] I went over all the greats ¯ Bennett, Sinatra, Chuck Berry ¯ and a story popped into my head. Now, most of you know my daughter, Lorelai. When Lorelai was three, she went through a period of having chronic ear infections. It was terrible. Screaming all night long, we couldn’t keep a nanny longer than a week.

LORELAI

[to Luke]

Yeah, that was the terrible part. The searing pain was just a side note.

RICHARD

And so, it fell to Emily to sit with her all night long. She tried everything to calm her down. Finally, she found a song that seemed to soothe her. It was a popular song on the radio and it soon became Emily’s favorite. Of course, it drove me crazy ¯ some woman complaining about how she wanted to marry a man named Bill. Not exactly Cole Porter. Emily would tease me, saying, ‘If only your name was Bill, then this could be our song.’ Well, Emily, for tonight, and tonight only, my name is Bill, and this is our song. Hit the button, Johnny. [He pulls her to her feet.] Your hand, madam.

EMILY

I cannot believe you remembered this song.

EMILY

We should separate more often.

RICHARD

Oh, bite your tongue.

EMCEE

At this time, if you’re in love, I invite you to join Emily and Richard on the dance floor.

LORELAI

You wanna dance?

LUKE

No, thanks.

LORELAI

[serious]

Please? I promise I will dance just as spazzy as you will.

LUKE

I do not dance spazzy.

LORELAI

Then I will be the only spaz on the floor. Please?

LUKE

I do not dance spazzy.

LORELAI

[smiles]

Thank you.

RORY

Want some company?

CHRIS

Hey, kiddo. Have a seat.

RORY

Quite a party, huh?

CHRIS

I would expect nothing less from your grandparents.

RORY

Pretty flowers.

CHRIS

Yes. Not at all fake.

RORY

Like my suit?

CHRIS

I do. It’s very Bugsy Malone.

RORY

So how you doing?

CHRIS

Me? Oh, I’m fine. Just ¯ [pause] Did your mother ever tell you about our first kiss?

RORY

No.

CHRIS

We were fourteen. It was after school in the parking lot of the AM/PM. She just walked right up and kissed me.

RORY

Really?

CHRIS

Yep. Said she just wanted to know what it would be like.

RORY

I hope you at least bought her a Moonpie.

CHRIS

You know, it never would’ve crossed my mind to do something like that. Just walk up and kiss someone, ‘cause you wanted to. But Lorelai ¯ she always knew what she wanted. And she’d go out and get it.

RORY

She never told me that story.

CHRIS

No. Probably wanted to make me seem more manly.

RORY

[smiles]

Did you ¯

CHRIS

Did I what?

RORY

Did you like it that she kissed you first?

CHRIS

Who could not like being kissed by a Gilmore girl? It was the greatest day of my life. [Rory looks thoughtful. He finishes his drink.] I’m going to get a refill, can I get you something?

RORY

No. I’m fine.

CHRIS

Okay, well, I’ll see you back in the center ring.

RORY

Okay.

LUKE

Okay, there’s a touch of spazzy in there. Can we stop dancing now?

LORELAI

We can. Uh, but Marilyn is standing right behind you and if we swap she’s going to swoop in, there’s nothing I can do to save you.

LUKE

Well, funny how Marilyn’s been standing right behind me where I can’t see her for the last two songs.

LORELAI

Yeah, I know. That woman is spooky.

LUKE

This wouldn’t be some underhanded ploy of yours to keep me dancing, would it?

LORELAI

Why, Luke Danes, I am appalled at the insinuation. I should walk off this dance floor right now and leave you to your fate. But I’m much too sweet a person to do that.

LUKE

Uh-huh.

LUKE

Much better. Lowers the spaz quotient.

LOGAN

I like the suit, Kashmir.

RORY

I didn’t know you were going to be here.

LOGAN

Really? I thought you put my name on the list.

RORY

No.

LOGAN

Oh, well, it must be your grandparents invited me. My parents are around here somewhere.

RORY

Oh, so you came with your parents?

LOGAN

Yup.

RORY

And ¯

LOGAN

And, what?

RORY

Where’s the blonde?

LOGAN

She’s at the bar.

RORY

Oh, yeah, she’s pretty.

LOGAN

Yeah? You want me to hook you up?

RORY

No, I was just saying ¯

LOGAN

What are you just saying?

RORY

That she’s pretty. That you brought a pretty girl. She’s pretty, and the two of you are pretty together. In case you were wondering.

LOGAN

Jewel’s a friend of the family, I’ve known here forever. She’s visiting her parents in town, and she had nothing to do, so she asked to tag along. We’re not dating.

RORY

Do you want to dance?

LOGAN

[gets up]

After you.

LUKE

What’s that?

LORELAI

Ugh, Totsy alert! Move, move!

LOGAN

What?

RORY

Why did you come?

LOGAN

Open bar.

RORY

Quite a draw for a guy with an American Express black card.

LOGAN

Live band, salad, butter pats ¯

RORY

Logan ¯

LOGAN

Little knit bags full of those Jordan almonds ¯

RORY

Are you ever going to ask me out? [No answer.] You flirt with me. You act like you like me a little. You show up here, with a friend, not a date. I mean, aren’t you? Ever? [Pause.] You do like me, right? [Logan smiles.] Oh. Okay. Uh, no problem. [She tries to pull away; he doesn’t let her.] I’ll just, um, let you go back to your table, and I’ll just start burrowing directly into the ground.

LOGAN

Rory.

RORY

I should be in China by midnight.

LOGAN

Rory.

RORY

You called me Rory.

LOGAN

I want to be clear.

RORY

Oh, good.

LOGAN

I have thought about asking you out, several times. I just don’t think it’s such a good idea.

RORY

Why not?

LOGAN

Because you’re special.

RORY

Special, like ‘Stop eating the paste’, special?

LOGAN

You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are incredibly interesting. You’re definitely girlfriend material. I, however, am definitely not boyfriend material. I can’t do commitment, and I don’t want to pretend to you that I can. If I were to date you, there would be no dating. It would be something, right away, and I’m not that guy.

RORY

But’ I’m not looking for anything something like.

LOGAN

Rory.

RORY

I’m not. I’ve done that. As a matter of fact, I just did that, and that’s not what I want.

LOGAN

I’m not saying you want that right now.

RORY

No, I don’t want that at all. No, I’m not expecting anything. I’m just I like you, and I want to spend some time with you. No strings attached.

LOGAN

No strings attached, huh.

RORY

Hey, girls just wanna have fun. Stringless fun.

LOGAN

You may feel like that now, but ¯

RORY

I do feel like that now.

LOGAN

Okay, but ¯

LOGAN

Where are we going?

RORY

How should I know? What, do you think I have a plan or something? Geez. [She grabs a bottle of champagne from the bar.] Live in the moment, Huntzberger. [She walks toward the exit, then looks back at him.] Coming?

RORY

Champagne?

LOGAN

Look, are you sure you want to do this?

RORY

I just want to know what it would be like.

LOGAN

I feel like I’m kissing a guy.

LOGAN

And apparently I had no idea what I was missing.

LORELAI

Here you go. Oh, no. You’ve been Totsied.

LUKE

Well, you left me alone.

LORELAI

I warned you about her.

LUKE

I turn around, she’s headed right for me, what am I supposed to do?

LORELAI

Ugh, man.

LUKE

It’s not that bad.

LORELAI

Yeah, of course not.

CHRIS

Thought I’d come by for that drink. Man, you’ve been Totsied! [He snickers.] Didn’t you warn him?

LORELAI

I tried. Moves slow.

CHRIS

Don’t worry about it, man, we’ve all been there. Lorelai and I went to a funeral, we got Totsied twice! You remember?

LORELAI

Um, no.

CHRIS

No? Come on, it was raining. You were wearing your ‘Hell is for children’ t-shirt, your mom flipped because we snuck that flask in?

LORELAI

Huh, sorry, no memory at all. [To Luke] You want to dance?

CHRIS

Dance? Get second-hand Totsied, Lor. You know you should burn that suit when you get home. Hey, how’s the Inn? [To Luke] You know, we had lunch at the Inn last month.

LUKE

I know.

LORELAI

The Inn is fine. Everything is fine.

MARILYN

Honey, so sorry to interrupt. Your parents want a picture of just the wedding party in front of the cake before they cut it.

LORELAI

Okay, I’ll just, uh, go find Rory.

MARILYN

I think I saw her heading off that way with that darling blonde boy. I’ve forgiven her for not noticing that I was chatting with him earlier.

LORELAI

Really, well, I’ll go get Rory and meet you back at the cake.

LUKE

I’ll go with you.

LUKE

Listen, uh, I think we need to talk.

LORELAI

I know, I know. We will. I just ¯ let me try to find ¯

LORELAI

Hm. Grandma wants a picture.

RORY

Of this?

LORELAI

Rory, what are you doing?

RORY

Mom ¯

LORELAI

You’re at your grandparents’ wedding! Renewal ¯ vowal ¯ thing. Whatever. They’re right out there. God, Rory, I swear!

CHRIS

Rory? Rory’s in here?

LORELAI

Okay, don’t, Chris, it’s all right.

CHRIS

What the hell are you doing in here with my daughter?

LOGAN

I ¯

CHRIS

Get away from her. That is my daughter! I will kick your ass! I will kick your ass, you little weasel!

LORELAI

Get out!

LUKE

What the hell is going on?

CHRIS

Who’s that guy, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Christopher, calm down! You’re drunk!

CHRIS

Calm down? There’s a guy in there pawing my daughter!

LUKE

What guy? There’s a guy in there with Rory?

LORELAI

Oh, my God, Luke!

LUKE

Hey! Get your hands off her. I mean it. Right now! Hands in the air, I want to see hands in the air!

LORELAI

Out!

LORELAI

I think you guys better use the back way out of here.

RORY

But, Dad ¯ Luke ¯

LORELAI

I will take care of Dad and Luke. Please go, now, go! [Rory goes, Logan hesitates.] So, um, you must be Logan.

LOGAN

Uh, yeah.

LORELAI

I’m Lorelai.

LOGAN

Nice to meet you. Okay, well, I’d better ¯

LORELAI

Yeah.

CHRIS

It’s none of your business what’s going on with Rory.

LUKE

It sure the hell is my business.

LORELAI

Oh, guys, please!

CHRIS

Rory is my daughter. Mine.

LUKE

Oh, really? Well then, where the hell were you when she got the chicken pox and would only eat mashed potatoes for a week, or where were you when she graduated high school, or started college? Huh? Who the hell moved her mattress into her dorm, and out of her dorm and back into her dorm again?

LORELAI

Luke, please. This is not the time.

CHRIS

Where I was doesn’t concern you. Rory is my daughter, and Lorelai’s daughter, and that’s it.

LUKE

Well, I’m with Lorelai!

CHRIS

For now!

LUKE

What does that mean, for now? What is that, a threat?

CHRIS

Lorelai and I belong together. Everyone knows it! I know it, Emily knows it!

LUKE

What?

CHRIS

Look, I blew it, okay? I know that I blew it. [To Lorelai] You waited, and I didn’t come through, and now you’re with him. But it’s not too late!

LORELAI

Chris, don’t.

CHRIS

It’s not too late. I know it’s not too late. Emily told me it wasn’t too late! [Luke glares at Lorelai. She looks guilty.] I mean, that’s why I’m here, okay? I know you’re with him. But it’s for now, it’s not forever. It’s just for now. I know that.

LORELAI

Luke, I don’t know what he’s talking about!

LUKE

I got to get out of here.

LORELAI

Oh, Luke, wait ¯

CHRIS

Please, just, just ¯

LORELAI

Christopher, get out of my way!

CHRIS

Will you stop?

LORELAI

Get away from me, Christopher.

CHRIS

I just want to talk.

LORELAI

Get some coffee, Christopher!

CHRIS

This wasn’t the way I wanted it to go down. I wanted to get you alone and ¯ what are you doing?

LORELAI

I’m going after Luke!

MARILYN

Oh, there you are! [Calling to Emily] I’ve got her! [She pulls Lorelai toward the cake.] Oh, you cannot keep a room full of Anglo-Saxons waiting for cake this long! They start to form more clubs. [To the photographer] Take her, take her, take her!

PHOTOGRAPHER

All right, wonderful. There we are. [The four of them are lined up ¯ Rory, Richard, Emily and Lorelai.] Okay. Everyone, in just a little closer. That’s perfect, hold that.

LORELAI

[leaning into to whisper in Emily’s ear]

You and me, we’re done.

PHOTOGRAPHER

One, two, three.