T5E17: “Pulp Friction”

KIRK

Ribbons here! Return your ribbons here! That's right, folks! [A couple enters the diner and deposits their blue ribbons into the bin.] Thank you, sir. In the box, ma'am. Ribbons here, return your ribbons here!

LUKE

Kirk, stop that.

KIRK

Can't stop yet, Luke. Haven't got them all yet.

LUKE

I mean it, put the box away.

KIRK

Luke, you and Lorelai have reconciled.

LUKE

I know, Kirk. I was there.

KIRK

And since you two have reconciled, it's only appropriate that the citizens of Stars Hollow take off their pins and start to heal. In my case, literally. I caught about an inch of chest-flesh with this sharp little sucker.

LUKE

Kirk -

KIRK

Lulu! Hey!

LULU

No, Kirk! I like my ribbon! It's pink! I like pink!

KIRK

This is bigger than your love of pink!

LULU

[screams dramatically]

No!

KIRK

Lulu! Lulu, get back here! Lulu! [He leaves the diner to run after her. Lorelai enters.]

LORELAI

Wow, did you see that?

LUKE

You know, if someone opened a store in this town selling giant butterfly nets, they'd make a fortune.

LORELAI

Come on, the crazy need love too.

LUKE

Speaking of which - [they kiss] Welcome back.

LORELAI

Nice to be here.

LUKE

Want some coffee?

LORELAI

Oh, say that again, slower and with your pants off.

LUKE

What's that? [He gestures at the counter.]

LORELAI

My pretty, pretty face?

LUKE

That's a Weston's coffee cup.

LORELAI

Is it?

LUKE

You bring an enemy coffee cup in here on the day of our reconciliation.

LORELAI

[with a mobster accent]

At least I didn't ask you for a favor on this, the day of our daughter's wedding.

LUKE

Get that coffee out of here.

LORELAI

This is not coffee. This is a mocha chocolate caramel swirl-a-chino with extra whip cream.

LUKE

That sounds disgusting.

LORELAI

It is. And if it was physically possible to make love to a hot beverage, this would be the one.

LUKE

So apparently I've got competition.

LORELAI

No, no, no. It's just a fling. I'll finally spend the night with it, but then when I see it in the morning with the caramel un-swirled and the whip cream un-whipped, huh! Buh-bye.

KIRK

Man, that was hard. [Pause.] She must have stretched first. [He tosses the sweater into the bin.]

RORY

So, judging from the snoring I'm guessing you love the theater.

LOGAN

That was not a snore. That was a groan.

RORY

It was not a painful play.

LOGAN

Any play is a painful play for me.

RORY

Well, that's too bad, because you're going to miss out on some wonderful things.

LOGAN

Yeah, like what?

RORY

[smiling]

My mom took me to see Caroline, or Change in New York, Tony Kushner's musical, and it was the most amazing thing we ever saw. Tony Kushner wrote Angels in America.

LOGAN

I know who Tony Kushner is.

RORY

So you've seen his plays?

LOGAN

No, my mom plays Canasta with him every month he's in town.

RORY

Tony Kushner plays Canasta with your mother?

LOGAN

Badly, but yes.

RORY

You have a magical life, Huntzberger! And you don't even know it.

LOGAN

So, where to next?

RORY

Oh, I don't know. Mah Jongg with Mamet?

LOGAN

How does ice cream sound?

RORY

Ice cream sounds great.

LOGAN

Then ice cream it is. [He takes her hand and pulls her toward one of the buildings.]

RORY

Whoa, Logan! Where are we going? Slow down.

LOGAN

Slow down and you die, Ace.

RORY

Yeah, you go too fast in heels and you kind of die also.

RORY

What are we doing?

LOGAN

We're getting ice cream.

RORY

But the dining hall's closed. We're breaking in.

LOGAN

That's a very negative way of looking at it.

RORY

How do you have a key to the dining hall?

LOGAN

I know a lot of very powerful locksmiths.

RORY

Well, what happens if we get caught? Could we get suspended? They can't kick you out of school for this, can they?

LOGAN

Hey, relax. Look around. For tonight this is all yours.

RORY

It is kind of cool.

LOGAN

Wait till you see the kitchen.

RORY

Whoa! Oh, I've never seen the cereal completely full before. I'm never here early enough! I knew they had Cocoa Puffs.

LOGAN

Go crazy, Ace.

RORY

No, we're getting ice cream.

LOGAN

There's no rule that says you can't have ice cream and cereal. Go on, get your Cocoa Puffs.

RORY

[reaches for a bowl]

First Cocoa Puffs of the day. This is a historic moment.

LOGAN

Okay. Next stop, ice cream.

RORY

Mm.

LOGAN

What are you doing?

RORY

I'm looking for the swipe machine so I can deduct points from my meal plan.

LOGAN

You're kidding, right?

RORY

Well, the school pays for the food.

LOGAN

Trust me. With all the money my family has donated to this school, they can afford to be out of a few Cocoa Puffs. Let's go.

RORY

This is fun.

LOGAN

You're an easy girl to please. [They kiss.] Let's hit the kitchen.

RORY

'Kay.

LOGAN

Ace, come on!

RORY

I'm coming!

LORELAI

[to a maid dusting]

Oh, okay, thanks. That's enough there. Just make sure you get the stairs now. [To two men carrying flowers] Oh, no, those go outside. Anacencia will take care of you.

LORELAI

Oh, what a surprise! A plate of cookies on the coffee table to match the basket of cupcakes on the reception desk.

SOOKIE

What? I always do this.

LORELAI

Oh, you always do this when a photographer from American Travel magazine is coming to photograph us for -

SOOKIE

[squeals]

I have no idea what you're talking about.

LORELAI

You know, I moved the furniture in the bedrooms around four times last night.

SOOKIE

And you ended up?

LORELAI

With everything in exactly the same place I started with.

LORELAI

Oh, the dining room looks beautiful.

SOOKIE

Thank you.

LORELAI

And, what a surprise, a cake on every table.

SOOKIE

So no one has to share.

LORELAI

Okay, floor looks good, table looks good. Hey, what happened to our books?

SOOKIE

What do you mean?

LORELAI

All our beautiful, leather-bound books. Jonathon Swift, Edith Wharton, Charles Dickens. A lot of them are gone.

SOOKIE

The guests must have swiped 'em.

LORELAI

They swiped Jonathon Swift and left me with Clifford, the Big Red Dog and five copies of He's Just Not That Into You.

SOOKIE

We've been airplane booked.

LORELAI

Oh, we've got to get them out of here. Hey Eddie? [Eddie comes in.] Will you get these out of here? [He takes them from her and leaves.] I'll raid Rory's leftovers tonight.

MICHEL

Well, there everybody is. Who missed Michel?

LORELAI

Huh. Trick question?

SOOKIE

How was California?

MICHEL

Ah, you know, it is insanity. What is different about me?

SOOKIE

You're wearing sunglasses inside?

MICHEL

They're not sunglasses. They are eyewear. Everyone in Los Angeles wears pairs and pairs of eyewear.

LORELAI

Well, you look great.

MICHEL

Oh, I tell you, I belong out there. Everybody is thin and gorgeous. Oh, there is this place on Sunset Boulevard, a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, and everybody there talks exactly like me.

LORELAI

Wow.

MICHEL

I got Botox.

SOOKIE

Ow.

MICHEL

Dr. Wu, oh, she's a genius. Everyone goes there. And look. [He shows them his teeth.] I got them done by the same guy who does Nick Lachey. Okay, gather around. I brought gifts. [He holds up his bags.]

LORELAI

Gifts, great!

MICHEL

Oh, the shopping out there, unbelievable. Rodeo Drive, dig a hole and drop me in, even if I'm not dead yet. Okay, for you and for you. [He hands them their bags.]

LORELAI

[pulling out her gift]

Huh.

MICHEL

It's a smog globe. [Laughs] They are so funny in California.

SOOKIE

[opening her gift]

Well, what do you know. [giggles a little] He's Just Not That Into You.

MICHEL

I heard it's a fabulous book, and so true. Oh, I haven't told you the most amazing part yet.

LORELAI

You got your boobs done by the same guy who did Pamela Anderson?

MICHEL

No, though I did meet him at the Coffee Bean. I was at this place called the Farmer's Market, and I was just sitting there, minding anybody's business, and a man came up to me and asked if I would like to be a contestant on the Price is Right!

LORELAI

You're kidding!

MICHEL

I was so stunned! I mean, I never considered being on a game show, but I was finished with my Bubble Tea, so I figured, why not?

SOOKIE

They just asked you to be on.

MICHEL

Yes.

SOOKIE

Boy, that's weird. Jackson's cousin Monty did the Price is Right, and he told us that the contestants had to get up at the crack of dawn, sit in line for hours, with hundreds of tourists, and then show how enthusiastic of a contestant they would be. You know, jumping up and down, screaming and yelling.

MICHEL

You don't say.

SOOKIE

Yeah. And they had to wear embarrassing t-shirts that said things like 'Pick Me, Bob! I neutered my dog!' And they spent weeks studying the price of Turtle wax and Hamburger Helper.

MICHEL

Okay, fine! I may have jumped a little, but I did not wear a t-shirt.

LORELAI

Michel. What would Nick Lachey's teeth guy say?

MICHEL

Make fun if you want, but I walked away the winner of over a hundred thousand dollar of cash and prizes!

LORELAI

Then what's with the cheap gifts?

SOOKIE

That's not even that smoggy.

MICHEL

[getting up, muttering to himself]

Why do I talk to you? Why?

LORELAI

All right. I'm going to go run over to Luke's and grab some dinner, and then I will be back to finish the setup.

SOOKIE

Got it.

KIRK

Well, if you'd just put it in the box like I told you to, I wouldn't have had to follow you in. [He sets a pink ribbon into the box.]

LUKE

[to Lorelai]

Here's your fries.

LORELAI

Mm, good.

LUKE

Where's your burger?

LORELAI

I ate it.

LUKE

I was gone two seconds.

LORELAI

Ketchup, please?

LUKE

By the time I get the ketchup, the fries'll be gone.

LORELAI

You're right, forget the ketchup.

LUKE

Slow down!

LORELAI

I can't slow down. I only have fifteen minutes before I have to get back to the inn.

LUKE

You're going to make yourself sick.

LORELAI

Yes, but my sickness will remind me of you, so it'll be romantic.

LUKE

Romantic nausea.

KIRK

I get that all the time.

LORELAI

Hit me with the pie.

LUKE

What pie?

LORELAI

The boysenberry pie.

LUKE

We're out of boysenberry pie.

LORELAI

How can you be out of boysenberry pie?

LUKE

Because someone ordered the last piece.

LORELAI

But I specifically asked you to save me a piece of boysenberry pie.

LUKE

Uh, no you didn't.

LORELAI

Uh, yes I did.

LUKE

When?

LORELAI

I left you a message.

LUKE

I never got a message.

LORELAI

I left it on your cell phone.

LUKE

Oh, is that what that annoying beeping sound was?

LORELAI

Yes. It was telling you that your girlfriend called and asked you to save her some pie.

LUKE

Well, I don't know how to use the voicemail.

LORELAI

[laughs]

You don't?

LUKE

Or anything else on this stupid thing. I know how to make a call and answer a call and then I'm out.

LORELAI

Give me that. You have got to learn how to use this thing because it is very powerful and wonderful, and it will change your life.

LUKE

What are you doing?

LORELAI

I am putting my number on speed-dial, so all you have to do is press one, see, like 'I'm number one' [she raises one hand in the air like a cheerleader] and then - [her cell phone rings in her purse] - oh, I wonder who that could be? [She pulls it out and answers it.] Hello?

LUKE

Give me. [He takes his phone back from Lorelai and talks to her on it.] No cell phones in the diner.

LORELAI

Oh, see, wasn't that fun?

LUKE

Totally.

LORELAI

Want me to put it on vibrate for you?

LUKE

Fifteen minutes are up.

LORELAI

Oh, crap, I got to go.

LUKE

Take a donut.

LORELAI

So then Sunday?

LUKE

Pick you up at eight.

LORELAI

I'll leave you a message letting you know your chances of getting lucky.

LORELAI

Hey, Kirk, how's the ribbon collecting coming?

LUKE

Oh, why do you get him started?

KIRK

I think we're near the finish line.

LORELAI

Who's winning?

LUKE

Hey, this isn't a contest.

LORELAI

I just want to know.

LUKE

I don't care who's winning.

LORELAI

Well, then you won't care if it's me.

LUKE

[coming around the counter]

Well, of course it's you. You're the one who makes the costumes for the Christmas pageant. You make the ornaments for the Firelight Festival. You go to the town meetings. You say hello to people. You have a daughter that looks like she belongs on top of a Christmas tree. Everybody knows that gets you tons of points.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

There's no way to compete with that.

LORELAI

Kirk?

KIRK

You're kicking his ass.

LORELAI

Yes!

LUKE

This isn't a contest.

LORELAI

No, not now, it isn't. Kirk, I want a final tally, because the ribbon loser is buying the ribbon winner dinner Sunday night.

LUKE

Loser pays? When did we agree on that?

LORELAI

Oh, gee, I must have left that on your voicemail too.

RORY

Hey Mom.

LORELAI

Hey. How would you feel about doing a little shopping tomorrow?

RORY

Hurt. Confused. A little dirty.

LORELAI

I need to get a new getting-back-together-with-Luke dress for my back-together-with-Luke date.

RORY

Oh, where do you want to go?

LORELAI

How about the new place where you got the scarf with the bows on it?

RORY

Oh, yes, cute place.

LORELAI

I want to go to the cute place.

RORY

Ten o'clock?

LORELAI

I'll be the one holding coffee. So, uh, what are you doing tonight?

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

What? Are you driving? Sounds like you're driving.

RORY

I am driving.

LORELAI

You are? Where are you going?

RORY

You know where I'm going, Mom.

LORELAI

Disneyland?

RORY

Nope.

LORELAI

Puppy world?

RORY

You're so immature. You're going to make me say it?

LORELAI

Say what?

RORY

[sighs]

I am on my way to Friday night dinner.

LORELAI

Ah-ha-ha! That's right. You're on the road to Hellville.

RORY

Do not gloat.

LORELAI

I'm not gloating. I'm gloating with hand gestures.

RORY

Bye.

LORELAI

And a little soft shoe.

RORY

Got to go.

LORELAI

Listen, enjoy your glazed woodcock with a side of truffled goose head.

RORY

Oh, what a shame, I'm here.

LORELAI

You are not.

RORY

See you tomorrow.

LORELAI

Oh, Rory, wait. I'm gloating with jazz hands.

RORY

Bye, Mom.

LUKE

Finish up, Kirk. I'm closing up early.

KIRK

You're going to see Lorelai tonight, aren't you?

LUKE

Actually no, she's working. I'm going to see her Sunday night.

KIRK

That sounds nice. You guys probably spend a lot of time together.

LUKE

Yes, we do.

KIRK

And you probably sleep over at each other's houses, too.

LUKE

[coming over to his table]

Cookies are on the house, Kirk. Just go, okay?

KIRK

You know, Lulu's my first real girlfriend. I had an imaginary girlfriend for a while when I was young, but she left me.

LUKE

Well, that happens.

KIRK

I wish Lulu and I could have what you and Lorelai have.

LUKE

Oh, you can have that, Kirk. You will have that. In fact, why don't you leave, and go have it right now?

KIRK

You know, I live with my mother.

LUKE

[muttering to himself]

Apparently I'm officially in this conversation, don't know how it happened, but -

KIRK

My mother is allergic to Lulu. The minute Lulu comes in the room, my mother will cough and choke and turn red. Her throat closes up, everything gets puffy. Lulu's tried everything. She changed her soap, her perfume, shampoo, cream rinse, deodorant. She's actually kind of a mess right now. But nothing seems to work.

LUKE

Kirk -

KIRK

Obviously I can't have Mother choking three times a week, so I considered constructing a separate entrance to my room, so that Lulu won't actually have to walk through the house, but that's going to cost about forty thousand dollars, 'cause I'd have to break through a bearing wall, and -

LUKE

Kirk, stop! This is ridiculous. You're a grown man. You have got to change your living situation.

KIRK

My mother won't move out. I've asked.

LUKE

I'm not talking about your mother. I'm talking about you.

KIRK

Me?

LUKE

Yes, you. Get a life. Get some independence. Get out of there.

KIRK

But -

LUKE

You want to have a real relationship with Lulu?

KIRK

Yes.

LUKE

Then grow up. Be a man.

KIRK

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying to me.

LUKE

[getting up]

Well, Kirk, I have given you the Lincoln logs, and you have to build the cabin. [He shuts off the light.] Lock the door behind you.

KIRK

You're not talking about a real cabin, are you? 'Cause if a new entrance is going to cost forty grand, then a cabin has got to be more.

LUKE

[from upstairs]

Good night, Kirk!

RICHARD

Emily! They're here! Hurry, please!

RICHARD

My goodness! The bag is bigger than you are.

RORY

I brought you some recent issues of the Yale Daily News. We've been doing some really good articles lately.

RICHARD

And some with a by-line I might be familiar with, I hope?

RORY

I believe that, yes, you'll find some highlighted sections in your hymnals.

RICHARD

Then hand the bag over, my dear.

RORY

'Kay.

EMILY

Sorry to keep everybody waiting.

RICHARD

Uh, luckily we had plenty to read. [He shows her the bag.]

EMILY

Hello, Rory.

RORY

Hello, Grandma.

EMILY

Let's go in the living room, shall we?

RICHARD

Excellent idea.

OLYMPIA

Pardon me, Mrs. Gilmore. Shall I put the salads out now, ma'am?

EMILY

We haven't had drinks yet, Olympia.

OLYMPIA

Yes, ma'am.

EMILY

I wrote it all down on the refrigerator pad for you, Olympia.

RORY

Is someone else coming for dinner?

RICHARD

Someone else? No. It's just going to be us.

RORY

Us, meaning just the three of us here, right? I mean, you know Mom's not coming.

RICHARD

Oh. Well, actually -

EMILY

Of course we knew your mother's not coming. The maid made a mistake. Olympia, it was three for dinner, not four. Well, she's fired. Clear that place at once, please. Richard, take Rory in the living room. I'll just do it myself.

RICHARD

All right.

EMILY

Now, I had Olympia write out the reheating instructions for the goose. And they work. I had her test it during dessert.

RORY

Thank you, Grandma.

EMILY

I also put some Perry and David fruit in there.

RICHARD

Oh, you can eat the pears with a spoon.

RORY

I'll remember that. Bye, Grandpa. Bye, Grandma.

RICHARD

Bye, bye.

EMILY

Bye, Rory.

RICHARD

Well, that was a pleasant evening.

EMILY

Really? What dinner were you at?

RICHARD

Well, we weren't exactly sure she was coming, Emily.

EMILY

I was sure. I don't understand it. Why wasn't she here?

RICHARD

Well, I'm guessing she had something to do.

EMILY

Something to do? What does that mean, something to do?

RICHARD

It means she had a previous engagement or meeting. A dinner, perhaps.

EMILY

I know what something to do means, Richard.

RICHARD

My apologies, Emily.

EMILY

It doesn't make any sense at all. I went down there. I arranged the whole thing. She got her filthy diner owner back. What is the problem?

RICHARD

I don't know! Lorelai is as much of a mystery to me as she is to you.

EMILY

I made a whole goose for three people. Wasteful.

RICHARD

[thoughtfully]

Do you think it's possible that they didn't get back together?

EMILY

What?

RICHARD

Perhaps it didn't happen. Maybe he didn't understand what you were telling him to do.

EMILY

How could he not understand? I spelled it out for him, step by step. I spoke clearly and slowly. There is no way he didn't understand what I was telling him to do.

RICHARD

All right. Then perhaps he understood, but he simply didn't do it? He's not the most take-charge sort of fellow, you know. He never did follow through on my advice to franchise his diner.

EMILY

Oh, my God, you're right. He didn't do it. He didn't go to her like I specifically told him to.

RICHARD

So it would seem.

EMILY

What an imbecile that man is!

RICHARD

Well, you gave it your best effort. No one can say you didn't.

EMILY

I just don't believe it.

RICHARD

Don't worry, Emily. I'm sure she'll come around eventually. And then, at least, we won't have to deal with them as a couple. [Emily looks sadly into her empty glass.] Here, let me freshen up your drink.

RORY

If I still want that sweater in twenty minutes I'm coming back to get it.

LORELAI

Okay, wait. What is wrong with this picture?

RORY

Huh?

LORELAI

You - look at you. An armful of bags and a potential twenty-minute sweater on the way, and look at me. Completely bagless.

RORY

Relax, the day's still young.

LORELAI

There are no more clothes out there for me. The Lorelai look is over. I wish someone had told me.

RORY

That would've helped.

LORELAI

Oh, see? That's what I want. Hey, come on. Let's follow her.

RORY

I'm not following that girl.

LORELAI

But she knows where my stores are and she looks about my size, so if she happens to have an aneurysm between now and tomorrow night - what?

LORELAI

My God. Is that Logan? It is Logan. I can't believe it. What a jerk.

RORY

Mom, it's okay.

LORELAI

No, it's not okay! He's sitting over there with a girl and - oh, no you don't. Get me a rock.

RORY

Mom -

LORELAI

I am beaning him with a rock!

RORY

Mom! Stop, it's fine!

LORELAI

How is it fine? I'm sorry, aren't you still seeing him?

RORY

Well, yeah.

LORELAI

Okay, so if you're still seeing him and he's over there seeing her, how is that okay?

RORY

Because. We're keeping things casual.

LORELAI

Casual?

RORY

We see each other, we see other people, and that's him over there, seeing other people. So it's fine.

LORELAI

Oh.

RORY

We both agreed.

LORELAI

Okay. You both agreed, then, okay. But, aren't you guys sleeping together?

RORY

Mom. It's college.

LORELAI

[frowning]

Oh, right. It's college.

RORY

We're both busy. We have class, we have friends. You know, it's good to just keep things cas, have fun. That's it.

LORELAI

Fun. Sure. I get it. Friends with benefits. No problem, I watch Oprah. [She sighs.] Okay, so. Are you sure you're cool with this?

RORY

I'm completely cool with this.

LORELAI

'Kay. 'Cause it just really bothers -

RORY

[cutting her off]

Mom, look over there! I think the Lorelai look is back, and it's in velvet!

LORELAI

So, Hal, what do you think? Living room, reception area might be a nice place to start.

HAL

I really need to shoot the exteriors first. We're about to lose the light.

LORELAI

Oh, great idea. Well, let me tell you, we are very proud of our exteriors. Why don't I get Michel to show you outside and help you set up?

HAL

Okay.

MICHEL

[On the phone]

No, no. This is unacceptable. Put your supervisor on the phone. Now, now, right now!

LORELAI

Hey, everything okay, Michel?

MICHEL

Yes, everything is fine. Lots of sunshine. I'll be right with you. [On the phone.] I insist you do something about this before I go out and find a stick and make it pointy and come and find your cubicle and poke you very hard!

LORELAI

[walking back to the door]

Hey, tell you what. Why don't I just show you outside myself?

HAL

Okay.

MICHEL

Sure, I'll hold.

LOGAN

Now, that's a look of great determination.

RORY

Yes, I'm determined to finish this piece before my caffeine buzz wears off and I have about thirty seconds left.

LOGAN

So.

RORY

So.

LOGAN

Did I see you on State Street with...

RORY

Yeah.

LOGAN

Right. So you saw me on State Street with...

RORY

Yep.

LOGAN

So.

RORY

So.

LOGAN

Are we still good?

RORY

Absolutely.

LOGAN

Really?

RORY

Logan, we both agreed. No strings attached. Remember?

LOGAN

I remember. I was just checking to see how well you remember.

RORY

I remember perfectly.

LOGAN

Okay, that's good to hear. So -

RORY

Oh, we're not going to do the 'so' thing again, are we?

LOGAN

No, promise. No more so's. Would you take an 'um'?

RORY

Depends. Where's it leading?

LOGAN

Um, are you busy, or do you feel like grabbing a cup of coffee?

RORY

Why, do you have a master key to a Starbuck's or something?

LOGAN

Nah, just thought we'd walk in and pay.

RORY

Wow. Old school. Sure, let's go.

LOGAN

Okay, let's go.

LORELAI

Yeah, there. Right there. How’s it looking, Hal?

HAL

I think we’re good with the flowers. Let’s start clearing everyone out of there.

SOOKIE

How’s it going?

LORELAI

I think we’re getting ready to shoot. What are you doing?

SOOKIE

Well, just in case he doesn’t have time to do the shot of the kitchen, people will get to see the food.

LORELAI

You’re insane. [Calling to Hal] Okay, we’re ready!

MICHEL

Okay, try something else! I don’t care, just stop it! Block it with your body! Tien an Men Square! Be a hero!

LORELAI

Uh, Michel, what’s wrong?

MICHEL

I will tell you what’s wrong. Ned the bellman is wrong. He’s useless! I gave him specific instructions and he ignored them!

LORELAI

What the hell is that?

MICHEL

No, no, no! Do not drive that here! It was not supposed to arrive for two more days.

LORELAI

Seriously, what is that?

MICHEL

My ‘over one hundred thousand dollar in cash and prizes’.

LORELAI

That’s what you won?

MICHEL

That, and many boxes of some sort of instant rice dish that I have yet to feel the need to sample.

MAN

Are you Michel Girard?

MICHEL

Yes.

MAN

Well, Michel Gerard, I am pleased to present you with your motor home. Step on inside and I’ll show you how everything works.

MICHEL

I don’t want to know how it works. I don’t want it here at all.

LORELAI

Michel, I don’t understand.

MICHEL

After I won this monstrosity, I told them I did not want it. I wanted the cash. But they said they would only give me half of what it was worth!

SOOKIE

Yeah! Jackson’s cousin won a washer and dryer on the twenty five thousand dollar Pyramid, but he decided to take half the cash value ‘cause he likes to go to the Laundromat to pick up women.

MICHEL

Well, I am not Jackson’s cousin. I have all of my chromosomes, and I don’t want half of the cash value. I want the entire hundred thousand dollars that was flashing under my face.

MAN

Excuse me. Do you want to know how to use it or not? ‘Cause the leveling can be a little tricky.

MICHEL

No, I do not want to know how to use it!

MAN

Okay. [He hands him the key.] Enjoy your day.

MICHEL

Drop dead and we’ll discuss it. They told me I had a week before they were delivering it. I put an ad online and I was going to sell it. And then I get a call that it is coming and it has not been a week!

LORELAI

Oh, wait, sir? Could I, uh, pay you to just take this away for an hour? You know, drive it around, show it the sights?

MAN

Sorry. Once we deliver the keys, it’s out of our hands.

HAL

Uh, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Taking care of it, Hal.

HAL

By the time all this dust clears, I’m afraid we’ll have lost the light anyway.

LORELAI

No, no, we’re not losing the light. We’ll keep the light, lose the dust. Sookie, get the dust busters? Michel, move this thing.

SOOKIE

Squawk at the roast?

LORELAI

Michel!

MICHEL

I don’t know how it works!

LORELAI

Figure it out!

MICHEL

You figure it out! It’s like the space shuttle in here.

HAL

Okay. We’re done here.

LORELAI

What? No!

HAL

It’s too late. I can take some interior shots just for the hell of it.

LORELAI

Oh, sure. Sookie, why don’t you show him the kitchen?

SOOKIE

Really? Great. Follow me.

LORELAI

You know, I can’t believe it. I can’t believe you had your motor home delivered here, to the inn, today!

MICHEL

I was supposed to have a week!

LORELAI

You know, Michel, I know the world revolves around you and we all have to understand that, but this was important.

MICHEL

I didn’t think it was coming today.

LORELAI

You didn’t think, period. You know, I don’t always expect you to be a great help around here, but how about not being a super colossal hindrance to us all, okay!

ROBERT

Business or pleasure?

ROBERT

Social Origins of Dictatorship and Democracy: Lord and peasant and the making of the modern world. Oh. Pleasure.

RORY

Have you read it?

ROBERT

I’m waiting for the film to come out.

RORY

Yeah, I heard Renee Zellweger is gaining a ton of weight to play the peasant.

ROBERT

Listen, I was wondering if you’re doing anything tomorrow night.

RORY

Oh. Um, I don’t know. Why?

ROBERT

Well, it’s Finn’s birthday. He’s having a party. Lots of booze, no food whatsoever.

RORY

Ah, that Finn.

ROBERT

I was wondering if you’d like to go.

RORY

With you?

ROBERT

Well, that was the plan, yes.

RORY

Oh. [Thinks for a moment] Well, um, sure.

ROBERT

Yes?

RORY

Yes. I’d love to. Um, let’s celebrate another year of Finn.

ROBERT

Excellent. Now, it’s themed. Anything Quentin Tarantino is acceptable, and I’ll pick you up at your room around nine.

RORY

Sounds good.

ROBERT

Does it? Well, how about that.

LORELAI

Hey, Sookie, have you seen Michel? He was arranging a car to take the Martins to Foxwoods.

SOOKIE

I think he’s showing some people the motor home.

LORELAI

Now?

SOOKIE

He asked me if it was okay. I told him it was okay. Is it okay?

LORELAI

Yeah, it’s okay, but why didn’t he just ask me?

SOOKIE

I think he’s a little afraid of you.

LORELAI

Afraid of me? Of kitten? Was I really that mean?

SOOKIE

You were upset.

LORELAI

I was mean.

SOOKIE

You know Michel. He likes to dish it out, but he’s extremely sensitive if you give it back.

LORELAI

Yeah. I guess.

SOOKIE

You can’t even tease him. He never wore those red cowboy boots again.

LORELAI

[cringes]

I remember.

SOOKIE

I’m sure he’ll get over it. You know Michel.

LORELAI

Yeah. Hey, could you ask Eddie to get the Martins a car?

SOOKIE

[nods]

You got it.

MAN

What’s the gas mileage like?

MICHEL

Hmm?

MAN

The gas mileage?

MICHEL

It’s five thousand pounds of metal on wheels. I’m sure the mileage is fabulous.

MAN

Would you take twenty for it?

MICHEL

Twenty? But it’s brand new, and – oh, whatever. Twenty, sure. You got a cheque?

LORELAI

Oh, whoa, whoa! [Sales voice.] Hi. What Michel means to say is that he would happily entertain all offers for this top-of-the-line streamlined beautiful motor home. I mean, look at it! I just may buy it myself.

MICHEL

What are you talking about?

WOMAN

[to her husband]

Offer thirty.

LORELAI

Hey, has everyone seen inside this baby? ‘Cause if you haven’t, you need to. Seriously. [She lures them inside the motor home.] And while you’re taking a look, please note the plush soil and stain resistant wall-to-wall wallpaper, that acts as the beautiful maple-ish paneling. Huh? Yeah.

LORELAI

[to Michel]

Twenty grand? You’re just giving this thing away.

MICHEL

That’s what I was told to do. I didn’t know about the maple-ish paneling.

LORELAI

Michel, you can’t sell this thing for twenty thousand dollars. What are you thinking?

MICHEL

Apparently I’m not. Apparently I never think. [He turns away.]

LORELAI

Okay, okay. I’m sorry.

MICHEL

Whatever.

LORELAI

Michel, I was just tense about the photo shoot and I said things I shouldn’t have said. You know I didn’t mean them, right?

MICHEL

I do not know that at all.

LORELAI

I think you do. I think you know this inn could not run without you. And I think you know I know this inn could not run without you.

MICHEL

What about your photo shoot? I ruined it for you, no?

LORELAI

We rescheduled the photo shoot. Everything’s fine.

MICHEL

I could have told you they’d reschedule. Everything with you is so dramatic.

LORELAI

[smiles]

So what are we going to do here?

MICHEL

Oh, well, I just want the thing gone.

LORELAI

Michel, you had one hundred thousand dollars flash in front of your face and the entire world saw it. Now come on, go get your money.

MICHEL

Well –

LORELAI

Seriously, Michel, the, uh, rube with the crossed eyes and the bolo tie, I say that’s your man.

MICHEL

He does look stupid, doesn’t he?

LORELAI

Yeah. And familiar with the, uh, ways of hooking up things to local sewer lines. Huh? Go get ‘em!

MICHEL

Yes, I’ll zero in on him. Worse comes to worst, the woman with the elastic waist jeans should be a nice backup.

LORELAI

Attaboy.

MICHEL

You know, if I hold out, maybe I can get a hundred and twenty thousand instead of –

LORELAI

Just sell the thing!

MICHEL

Right.

RORY

Well?

LORELAI

It’s too sparkly.

RORY

It’s not too sparkly.

LORELAI

I look like a chandelier.

RORY

What shoes are you wearing?

LORELAI

The pink pumps.

RORY

I like those.

LORELAI

Are they a little too ‘Come and get it’?

RORY

Don’t you want him to come and get it?

LORELAI

Uh, yes, but I want it to be his idea to come and get it. It’s not the same if the shoes tell him to ‘Come and get it’.

RORY

I really, really want to stop saying ‘Come and get it’.

LORELAI

Fine.

RORY

I have to get ready.

LORELAI

Going out?

RORY

As a matter of fact, I have a date tonight.

LORELAI

Logan?

RORY

No, Robert.

LORELAI

Who’s Robert?

RORY

He’s a friend.

LORELAI

Have I met this Robert?

RORY

No, you have not met this Robert.

LORELAI

What’s his last name?

RORY

Why? Do you think I’m making him up?

LORELAI

I just wondered if I ever heard you mention him before.

RORY

Um, he’s just a guy I know at Yale, and there’s a party tonight for another guy I know at Yale, and Robert [Pause] Grimmaldi asked me to go, so I am going to go.

LORELAI

So, does this mean it’s over with Logan?

RORY

Nope. It just means that tonight I’m going out with Robert.

LORELAI

[confused]

And you like this Robert, right?

RORY

Right. You know. The party’s a Quentin Tarantino themed party, and you have to wear a costume, so I’m going as Gogo.

LORELAI

‘Cause you have the skirt.

RORY

And no other ideas.

LORELAI

Cluelessness is the mother of invention. Call me after.

RORY

I will do that.

LORELAI

Oh, this dress is too slutty.

RORY

The dress is fine. The person in it, however –

LORELAI

[gasps]

You’re breaking up, the, the house is going through a tunnel. You’re breaking up, I – [She makes a crinkling sound with her throat, then hangs up.]

LUKE

Oh, I was just gonna –

LORELAI

I just heard the car, so I –

LUKE

[points at the house]

No, but I always –

LORELAI

I know. Yeah, I know.

LUKE

No, I should’ve.

LORELAI

‘Kay, this is stupid.

LUKE

Yes, it is.

LORELAI

It’s not like we’ve never done this before.

LUKE

We have.

LORELAI

And successfully.

LUKE

I’ve made it to the door.

LORELAI

I’ve made it to the car.

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

Hey.

LUKE

So I thought we’d go to Marino’s. You like Marino’s, right?

LORELAI

Mmm. [Her attention is on the C.D. in her hand. She looks baffled as she holds it up.] What is this?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Reggae Fever?

LUKE

So?

LORELAI

When did you buy this? Where did you buy this? Why did you buy this?

LUKE

I was at the gas station last week. It was at the register. What’s the big deal?

LORELAI

The big deal is it’s Reggae Fever.

LUKE

I know!

LORELAI

When you look in the mirror, do you see Reggae Fever?

LUKE

It was cheap.

LORELAI

‘Ja Glory’ by Toots Bambada. ‘Lively up Yourself’ by the Family Zigzag, ‘Let your Ya be Ya’ by Ranking Roy. What else am I going to find in here? Ganja and a yellow, green and red knit cap?

LUKE

I bought a C.D. I didn’t adopt the entire Rastafarian culture.

LORELAI

This is so weird. I mean, to think that there was this whole chunk of time when we weren’t together. We were living totally separate lives. I was just working like crazy and you were running around, buying reggae C.D.’s.

LUKE

One C.D. One.

LORELAI

[sighs]

I just hate that we were apart.

LUKE

Yeah, wasn’t too fond of it myself.

LORELAI

Well, all I can say is, you’re lucky I’m back in your life, because clearly you were lost without me. I mean, it’s a miracle you’re even still alive. Right?

LUKE

You bet.

ROBERT

Not a moment too soon. [He offers one to Rory.]

RORY

Oh, no thanks. I think I’m going to try to get through the doorway first.

ROBERT

Huh, novel approach. You’re going to be an interesting date.

FINN

Robert! What are you?

ROBERT

Dead extra number two.

FINN

Brilliant, my friend.

ROBERT

Happy birthday, Finn. You owe me forty dollars.

FINN

Well, maybe for my birthday you’ll forgive me that. [Robert gives him a serious look. Finn pulls out his wallet.] Does your father have any idea what a toll his cross-dressing took on your psyche?

ROBERT

That was your father, Finn.

FINN

Ah, you’re right. [He holds up his hands to display the painted fingernails.] My God, that explains a lot. Do I know you?

ROBERT

Rory Gilmore, Finn.

FINN

Pleasure to meet you. [Rory smiles awkwardly.] All right, children, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we will all be in a great deal of pain. [He takes the tray of shots from the girl who is walking past again.] Thank you, darling. Your name and phone number would also be appreciated. [She walks away. Finn winks and dances after her.]

RORY

Finn’s quite an original.

ROBERT

Yes, he is. Have I told you I like your costume?

RORY

No, you didn’t.

ROBERT

All right. Did that count, or are you expecting me to say it again?

RORY

I think we’re good.

LOGAN

Let’s get a drink.

RORY

Oh, hey, Colin. Where’s your date?

COLIN

I went to go pick her up. She’s dressed like Mira Sorvino.

ROBERT

How do you dress like Mira Sorvino?

COLIN

You have blonde hair and a name tag that says ‘Mira Sorvino’. I just turned around and left.

LOGAN

[joining the group]

Well, well, well. The gang’s all here. Robert, good to see you.

ROBERT

Hello, Logan.

LOGAN

Rory, like the costume.

RORY

I like yours too.

LOGAN

This is Whitney. Whitney, Robert, Rory. You know Colin.

WHITNEY

Hi.

COLIN

Whitney, is your friend Josie here?

WHITNEY

Yeah, she’s over there with the guy dressed like Harvey Weinstein.

COLIN

Perfect. I’ll see you later.

WHITNEY

Leave her alone, Colin.

COLIN

Yes, yes. Of course. [He goes.]

LOGAN

So. Good party, huh?

ROBERT

Seems like it.

RORY

Music’s cool.

LOGAN

Very cool. Well, we’re just heading over to the bar, can we get you two anything?

ROBERT

No, we’re just going to take a look around.

LOGAN

Okay, well, catch you later.

RORY

Sounds good. [They head in different directions.] Hey, Robert.

ROBERT

Yes.

RORY

What’s your last name?

LUKE

My God, turn that off!

LORELAI

Getting to you, huh?

LUKE

You keep playing the same song over and over and over.

LORELAI

I’ve got news for you. That was not the same song.

LUKE

Oh my God, you’re kidding.

LUKE

What was that?

LORELAI

I don’t know.

LUKE

Sounds like it came from the garage.

LORELAI

There’s someone in my garage?

LORELAI

Huh. Weird time for gardening, isn’t it?

LUKE

It could be like a raccoon.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, don’t shovel the raccoon.

LUKE

Just stay back, will you?

LORELAI

No, Luke! You can’t hurt a raccoon. They’re cute. They have face masks like little furry burglars.

LUKE

And sharp teeth that chew through your wiring, and rabies –

LORELAI

Luke.

LUKE

I’m not going to hit it, I’m going to scare it.

LORELAI

Hey! Why don’t you play it your Reggae Fever.

LORELAI

[whispering]

Do you see it?

LUKE

Sh! [He listens for a moment.] That’s one hell of a raccoon.

LORELAI

Shovel him. Shovel him! Shovel him!

LORELAI

I probably should be more surprised than I am, right?

LUKE

Kirk! Wake up.

LORELAI

And he’s naked. [She holds up her hand, Luke turns away.]

LUKE

Oh, Kirk! Geez!

KIRK

Where am I?

LORELAI

You’re in my house, Kirk.

LUKE

You’re in my boat, Kirk.

KIRK

I’m exposed.

LORELAI

We know, Kirk.

LUKE

Yeah, let’s do something about that, huh, Kirk?

KIRK

[wrapping himself in the blanket]

I’m good now.

LORELAI

[calmly]

Kirk. Whatcha doin’ here?

KIRK

I left Mother’s.

LORELAI

No, did you have a fight? Did she take away your Beach Boys album again?

KIRK

No, I just got so excited about the thought of a new life, you know? Of striking out on my own and being my own man. Right, Luke?

LORELAI

Right, Luke?

KIRK

So I did it. I packed my clothes and I gave my mother my key and I said good bye and I left.

LORELAI

Aw, Kirk. That’s a big deal, you leaving like that.

KIRK

I know it is. But Luke explained to me that if I really want to move to the next level with Lulu and have a real, grownup relationship, with sleepovers and everything, then I had to get out.

LUKE

I don’t think that’s exactly what I said.

KIRK

Oh, yes, it was. And I felt really good about it, until I realized that I had no place to go. I probably should have found an apartment first.

LUKE

Probably.

LORELAI

You can stay in Rory’s room.

KIRK

Really?

LUKE

Really?

LORELAI

Just for tonight. We’ll find you some place tomorrow.

KIRK

Okay.

KIRK

You know, I think you’ve got a raccoon in here.

LORELAI

Just go on in the house, Kirk. [He goes. She turns to Luke.] What were you thinking?

LUKE

Kirk was at the diner talking about how he wished how he and Lulu had what we have, and I just mentioned –

LORELAI

Are you insane? Everybody knows you can’t mention anything to Kirk.

LUKE

I was cornered. I was tired. I wanted to go to sleep.

LORELAI

Well, now we have to go in there and take care of him. He is now our responsibility.

LUKE

But –

LORELAI

Uh, uh! Pottery Barn, baby. You break it, you buy it.

LUKE

Ah, geez.

ROBERT

My entire goal in life is to outlive my brother, inherit the family fortune, put all my sisters out on the street and live as frivolously as possible, have numerous wives, thousands of illegitimate children and die completely alone and leave every cent to a parrot named Polly.

RORY

That’s your entire goal in life.

ROBERT

Except for the name of the parrot, I stick to everything I just said.

RORY

You’re a fascinating specimen, Robert.

COLIN

[joining them]

Well, Josie’s a lesbian.

RORY

You struck out, Colin?

COLIN

Whatever. Is Lydia here?

ROBERT

Yeah, she’s here with Patrick, her fiancé.

COLIN

God, I hate these stupid incestuous parties! It’s the same people over and over.

FINN

Who’s as drunk as I am?

COLIN

No one since Spencer Tracy died. Finn, are there any interesting women here at all?

FINN

Have you tried Josie?

COLIN

I’m getting a drink.

FINN

All righty. I have to go make the rounds. [To Rory] Have I met you yet?

RORY

Several times.

FINN

All right then. [He leaves.]

ROBERT

So, how about that drink?

RORY

Nothing too strong?

ROBERT

I’ll see what I can do. [He leaves her alone at the table. Logan approaches her.]

LOGAN

Hey, Ace. Having a good time?

RORY

I am, thanks.

LOGAN

Good. That’s good. Me, too. I’m having a good time too.

RORY

Good.

LOGAN

Yes, it is good. [He takes a drink.] So I didn’t know you knew Robert.

RORY

I met him at the Life and Death Brigade gathering. And the poker game.

LOGAN

Oh. Right, right. Well, he must have made quite an impression.

RORY

He just asked me out, is all.

LOGAN

Sure. [Takes another drink.] He’s kind of a jerk.

RORY

Excuse me?

LOGAN

Robert. He’s kind of a jerk. Haven’t you noticed he’s kind of a jerk?

RORY

Nope.

LOGAN

Huh. [Drinks.] Night’s young. Okay, come on.

RORY

Where are we going? Logan!

LOGAN

You look great.

RORY

Thank you.

RORY

Logan, stop.

LOGAN

Right, so, how you been?

RORY

I’ve been fine.

LOGAN

Good. School’s good?

RORY

School’s hard.

LOGAN

Well, it’s supposed to be hard. It’s grounding you for life.

LOGAN

Making you an upstanding citizen.

RORY

God-fearing Christian.

LOGAN

Habitual recycler.

RORY

We can’t do this here, Logan.

LOGAN

You’re right. Let’s go.

RORY

Go where?

LOGAN

Your place. My place. Let’s take a train to New York, spend the night in the Plaza.

RORY

We can’t just leave. We have dates.

LOGAN

I don’t like this.

RORY

Like what?

LOGAN

You here with Robert.

RORY

You’re here with Whitney.

LOGAN

I know!

RORY

So, what’s the problem?

LOGAN

The problem is you’re here with Robert and it’s bothering me, and I don’t like that it’s bothering me.

RORY

Sorry. Do you want us to leave?

LOGAN

No, I want us to leave. You and me.

RORY

I can’t do that.

LOGAN

Oh, you want to spend the rest of the night with Robert instead of me?

RORY

I came here with Robert.

LOGAN

So dump Robert! I hate Robert!

RORY

He’s your friend!

LOGAN

So what? I still hate him.

RORY

Logan, you’re the one who said –

LOGAN

I know what I said.

RORY

Okay, then. I have to go. I have a date. Enjoy the rest of the party.

LUKE

There’s nothing in here but ice cream, candy bars, cookie dough, canned frosting. Why are you not four hundred and fifty pounds? [He puts a liter of ice cream on the table.]

LORELAI

I know. Scientists call it the Lorelai Paradox.

LUKE

Who are you calling?

LORELAI

No one. Just seeing if Rory left a message.

LORELAI

Who’s washing those?

LUKE

Why, was she supposed to leave a message?

LORELAI

No, I was just hoping.

LORELAI

Are we out of plastic?

LUKE

Why were you hoping? Everything okay with her?

LORELAI

Yeah, she just had a date tonight. Get four, those tend to break.

LUKE

Okay. Uh, she out with that Logan kid?

LORELAI

No. Robert.

LUKE

Who’s Robert?

LORELAI

I know nothing about him except his last name is Grimmaldi.

LUKE

When did she break up with Logan?

LORELAI

She didn’t.

LUKE

I don’t understand.

LORELAI

It’s college.

LUKE

What does that mean?

LORELAI

It means, butt out, back off, none of your business.

LUKE

Oh.

LORELAI

Rory suddenly decided she’s dating girl.

LUKE

Well, that’s okay, right? Isn’t that what kids are supposed to do?

LORELAI

It’s just, it’s not Rory. I don’t think it’s what is going to make her happy. It seems wrong for her.

LUKE

You say something to her?

LORELAI

No. I mean, she’s been so chatty lately, wanting to be able to talk about Logan and her life, so now I just don’t know what to do.

LUKE

You talk back.

LORELAI

I am, but I just feel like I need to be really careful what I say.

LUKE

Oh, come on. That’s ridiculous.

LORELAI

Well, she’s not at home anymore. She’ s on her own.

LUKE

Doesn’t matter.

LORELAI

It matters a little. You know, there have been very few times in our relationship when I ever played the ‘mom card’. But I always had it there in my back pocket. And when I used it she had to hear it and take it, ‘cause she lived here. And even if she didn’t like it or even if she got mad, the worst that would happen is she would run into her room and slam the door and blast the Jam. But then in the morning, I controlled the bathroom, and the, and the Pop-tarts, and she had to deal with me. And eventually we’d make up and it was over. But now –

LUKE

Nothing’s different.

LORELAI

Of course it is. It’s different. She’s on her own. She’s making her own decisions. My ‘mom card’ is looking a little flimsier, and I don’t know how much to say to her. If she doesn’t want to hear it, she doesn’t have to take it. She doesn’t have to call, or come home.

LUKE

She’ll call. She’ll come home.

LORELAI

Yeah. I hope so. I don’t know. [They hear a door open.] Did we lock the front door?

LUKE

I’ll be right back. [He gets up.] Kirk! Get back here, Kirk!

EMILY

What on earth is wrong with you, besides the obvious lack of fashion sense?

LUKE

What are you –

EMILY

I told you to get back together with Lorelai! I told you exactly what to do and exactly what to say. What do you need, a cheat sheet?

LUKE

Emily –

EMILY

Some flash cards, some Sesame Street characters to sing a song about it?

LUKE

Look!

EMILY

Do you think that it was easy for me to come to you like that? Do you think I enjoyed it? Like I was just sitting around my house thinking, hmm, what shall I do tonight? I know. I can drive to Stars Hollow and humiliate myself at the local greasy spoon!

LUKE

Okay, I am in the middle of –

EMILY

I don’t care what you’re in the middle of! My family is being torn apart because for some reason you are incapable of taking simple instructions and putting your relationship back together! [As she is talking, Luke takes his cell phone out of his pocket, presses a button and sets it on the counter.]

LORELAI

Hello?

EMILY

Just because you run a diner and have mastered the art of the blank stare does not mean it’s going to work with me!

LORELAI

Ah –

EMILY

And Richard went through a great deal of trouble to set the whole thing up, and you never even called Herb Smith! Apparently, you can’t follow through with anything! Not even a razor!

LORELAI

Mom, what are you doing here?

EMILY

I am having what I’m sure will turn out to be yet another fruitless conversation with this man.

LORELAI

[to Luke]

I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.

LUKE

It’s okay.

LORELAI

Mom, go home. You have no right to barge in here and cause a scene.

EMILY

I have something I want to say.

LORELAI

No! We don’t want to hear what you have to say! We just want you to please butt out of our lives!

EMILY

Our lives? [She looks at Luke] So there’s an ‘our lives’? Are you two back together?

LORELAI

Yes, we are.

EMILY

[smiles at Luke]

So you did go to her. Just like I told you to.

LUKE

We got back together because we wanted to get back together.

EMILY

[turns back to Lorelai[: Then I simply don’t understand. If you’re together, then what’s the problem?

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

EMILY

Why won’t you come to Friday dinner? Whatever happened between the two of you, I obviously fixed it, so –

LORELAI

You fixed it? You broke it! Just because Luke and I found a way to repair the damage doesn’t erase the fact that it happened!

EMILY

What I did I did out of concern.

LORELAI

Oh, please!

EMILY

As your mother, I have the right to be concerned. Especially when it looks like you’re taking your life down a completely disastrous path. I had to jump in, and –

LORELAI

[growling]

Mom!

EMILY

[shocked]

Lorelai!

LORELAI

Please hear me. If I want your input in my life in any way, shape or form, I will ask for it. Until then, do us all a favor and shut up!

LUKE

Well, I gotta say, suddenly a big fan of speed-dial.

LORELAI

Hey, kid, what’s going on?

RORY

I just got a call from Kirk. He wanted to know if he could crash at my dorm.

LORELAI

Ho, boy.

RORY

How did he get my number?

LORELAI

Oh, he probably got it off the fridge.

RORY

Okay. And what was Kirk doing near our fridge?

LORELAI

It’s a long story.

RORY

Okay, well, tell me later. I want to hear how the back-together date went.

LORELAI

It was very successful.

RORY

Did he like the dress?

LORELAI

The dress was a hit.

RORY

I told you.

LORELAI

And, um, how was your, uh, date with Robert?

RORY

Completely insane. You won’t believe the evening I had.

LORELAI

Oh, tell me.

RORY

So Robert and I get to the party, and Logan was there, and at first everything was completely cas, and then as the evening went on, he got more and more jealous.

LORELAI

Huh, really?

RORY

Oh yeah. He wanted me to leave with him, blow off Robert.

LORELAI

[shocked]

And did you?

RORY

No, of course not. I told him that I came with Robert and I was leaving with Robert, and I walked away, and it was great.

LORELAI

Sounds great.

RORY

And since then, by the way, Logan has called twice today, we’re going out tonight, and we’ve already made plans for this week. Complete and total turn-around.

LORELAI

Wow. Well, sounds like all the balls are in your court. Or, well, you know what I mean.

RORY

You okay? You sound down.

LORELAI

No, no, no. I’m fine. So what are you going to wear tonight?

RORY

Oh, I thought I’d go with the twenty-minute sweater.

LORELAI

Oh, cute. Cute.

MICHEL

The answer is no. Look, Jerry. I sold you the motor home. It is now yours. I’m a very busy man. I do not have time for this. [Pause.] All right. For twenty dollars I will measure the shower for you. [He goes outside.] No, that is on top of the forty for the cupboard space and the pull-out table. Well, I’m sorry if you’re feeling ripped off. I can call Elastic Pants Lady and see if she’d like to take the motor home off your hands. [Pause.] I thought so. Hold on.