T5E18: “To Live and Let Diorama”

LORELAI

Ugh, raisins. What are the pruney red things?

SOOKIE

Dried cranberries.

LORELAI

Gone. What's this?

SOOKIE

Carob.

LORELAI

Adios.

SOOKIE

Okay, why do we buy trail mix if you're going to pick everything out?

LORELAI

Well, they've ruined trail mix. Used to be simple. Now they put too much stuff in it. Your mouth doesn't know what to expect with any given bite. Will it be fruity? Will it be granola-y? Will it be chocolate substitute-y? What's this?

SOOKIE

Soybean.

LORELAI

Bah, squirrel food! [She throws the soybean on the ground.]

TAYLOR

Ladies, please. We're saying good-bye to Mr. Twickham.

SOOKIE

So?

TAYLOR

The man's on his deathbed. Show a little respect.

LORELAI

Taylor, Old Man Twickham's been dying for twenty years.

MISS PATTY

This is my seventeenth time saying adios.

LORELAI

Yeah, I think you have the record, Patty.

SOOKIE

I forget, when was the last time we thought he was dying?

MISS PATTY

It's been a good two years.

LORELAI

I remember now. The last time - the rain?

SOOKIE

We got drenched.

LORELAI

Made the whole "he's dying" thing a total bummer.

TAYLOR

Ladies, please! You may not be respecting this moment but all the rest of us are.

KIRK

Get your Twickham souvenirs here! Twickham souvenirs! I've got your bats! I've got your balls! I've got your foam fingers! Get 'em before he's gone!

LORELAI

Oh, how's Mr. Twickham looking, Andrew?

ANDREW

A little tired.

LORELAI

Well, dying is exhausting.

ANDREW

Yeah, he's thinking of taking a break and picking up again tomorrow.

SOOKIE

Ugh, no.

LORELAI

We've been waiting for an hour.

ANDREW

He's kind of distracted anyway. The whole time I was there he was Tivo-ing through a fresh Summerland.

SOOKIE

Do we have time to come back tomorrow?

LORELAI

Uh, no. Not really. [She calls out.] Hey, everybody? Um, keep it quick in there, okay? "Good morning, Mr. Twickham. Good-bye Mr. Twickham." And then vamoose.

SOOKIE

He should really start dying earlier in the day.

LORELAI

Yeah. [Digging in the bag of trail mix.] Ugh, green stuff? Come on! [She throws it.] What's green?

RORY

Hello?

LORELAI

He's dead.

RORY

Who?

LORELAI

Old Man Twickham.

RORY

[disbelief]

No!

LORELAI

Yes!

RORY

It's got to be a mistake.

LORELAI

It's not. The man is gone.

RORY

I don't believe it. I mean, are you sure?

LORELAI

There's no breath left in him. The light's gone out of his eyes. He smelled the burnt almonds. He's feeding the worms. He's chatting up his grandpa. He is the old man formerly known as Twickham.

RORY

Wow. I can't believe he's gone. I mean, he's been dying my whole life.

LORELAI

And I just got my good-bye in. He was about to close shop for the day but we got in, told him good-bye and that we'd miss him, we left and then apparently he just closed his eyes. Muttered something about Lori Loughlin and that was that.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

He's never died before.

LORELAI

I guess there's a first time for everything. Kirk's happy, though. His dying caused a run on souvenirs. [She looks at the beach ball, hats and flags on her counter.]

RORY

[disapproving]

Tacky.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. Tacky. So, are you coming home this weekend?

RORY

Probably not. Maybe next week.

LORELAI

Okay. I just always like to check.

RORY

So, I should go. Sorry about Old Man Twickham.

LORELAI

Got to move on. I hear Old Man Ketchum has a nasty cough. Could turn into something.

RORY

That's the spirit. Bye.

RORY

[shouting over the movie]

Pathetic!

PARIS

What?

RORY

Nothing important, I just wanted to inform you that you're pathetic!

PARIS

Back at you, sister.

RORY

I am not pathetic.

PARIS

Oh, come on. We're in the same situation, except you're in denial.

RORY

I'm not in denial!

PARIS

I haven't seen Logan lately.

RORY

Well, why don't you call him up, then? Bet he misses you.

PARIS

Is he missing you?

RORY

Good-bye.

PARIS

Have fun pretending the sky is green.

RORY

Yeah, have fun re-enacting the Maxell tape ad.

ZACH

Hey Soph.

SOPHIE

You wash your hands?

ZACH

Front and back.

SOPHIE

Let's see 'em.

ZACH

So we're never going to forget the peanut butter on the sitar? [He holds up his hands.]

SOPHIE

Good God, man, have you heard of hand cream?

ZACH

Okay if we walk around?

SOPHIE

Carefully. Hi, Lane.

LANE

Hi, Sophie.

ZACH

Show her the thing.

LANE

Something like that's very self-conscious.

ZACH

It's why you brought it.

LANE

I know.

ZACH

So, show her.

LANE

So, Sophie Bloom. Your last name's Bloom.

SOPHIE

Thanks for the info.

LANE

I was looking through some old vinyl I have. I don't have much, because I was born right on the cusp of the CD revolution. But I originally had a record player. A Snoopy record player. Boy, I love this record player. And shutting my door and listening to music on it -

SOPHIE

Oh, my God, Garrison Keillor, what is your point?

LANE

I saw the name "Sophie Bloom" on this album - the one non-Christian one my mother allowed me to have. It just popped out at me and I was wondering - [She hands the record to Sophie.]

SOPHIE

[a little repulsed]

Oh, this thing.

LANE

So, it's you. You wrote these songs.

SOPHIE

Long time ago.

LANE

[gushing]

I think this is amazing! Because I want to do more than just drum. I would like to write and compose and I was wondering if we could sit down sometime and just talk about music, because I think you have so much you can pass on to me. Woman to woman. Really, just coffee sometime. My treat.

SOPHIE

Well, I suppose sometime when I'm not working or out of town, if my boyfriend's busy and my laundry's done, and I'm not sick and there's nothing on TV, we could maybe meet up for a couple of minutes.

LANE

It's a date.

LUKE

Hey, there she is, the woman of the hour!

LORELAI

Apparently that's me. [They hug.]

LUKE

I am blown away by this!

LORELAI

Yeah, well, my hugs are that powerful.

LUKE

Well, well, I'm talking about the article. You're going to be on the cover of a magazine! That's a big deal!

LORELAI

Well, it's the inn, it's not me, but yes, it is a big deal!

LUKE

So, how'd they tell you? They phone you, or they, you know, they e-mail you?

LORELAI

They just said they were so impressed by the inn, they were so impressed by my story-

LUKE

It's a great story.

LORELAI

Well, it's a little thin, when you compare it to War and Peace, but -

LUKE

What? You started with nothing. It's a great story. The magazine's pretty good, too. I did some research.

LORELAI

Oh. Research?

LUKE

Yeah, I got a bunch of back issues and I read them. I tried to figure out who should interview you. Okay. Alicia Kensington. Staff writer, too green and way too stiff. Too many adverbs. Frederick Fairmount. Pff, he talks more about himself than the person he's interviewing. Something boozy about him, too.

LORELAI

I don't think they let you pick who's going to interview you.

LUKE

Well, just in case they offer. But this is big. [He touches her arm.]

LORELAI

[smiles]

Yeah, I guess it is.

LORELAI

Oh! What happened there?

LUKE

Eh, what do you think? Taylor.

LORELAI

How did Taylor break the window?

LUKE

How do you think? By being Taylor.

LORELAI

Taylor's Taylor-ness can now break glass?

LUKE

You know what I mean. He's doing something, and crash, bang, there you go. Hey, is it, uh, six yet?

LORELAI

Uh, a little past.

LUKE

Ah, shoot. Town meeting's started.

LORELAI

So?

LUKE

So I thought we'd go. I mean, you like those things, right?

LORELAI

Uh, yeah, but you don't.

LUKE

Yes, but, this is your big night, you know, with the article and everything. Look, why don't we hit the town meeting and then we'll go get something to eat, like a little celebration?

LORELAI

Oh, sounds good!

LUKE

Yeah, great! Let's go, we got to, we got to hurry.

LORELAI

Okay.

TAYLOR

Come on, people! It's not that complicated.

KIRK

I don't want to be a burden.

TAYLOR

Patty? What about that couch you have at the back or your studio?

KIRK

In her freezing cold studio with no insulation and no heat. Sounds great.

SOOKIE

[whispers]

Hi.

LORELAI

Hi, what's happening?

SOOKIE

Problems with Kirk's schedule.

LORELAI

Ah. Can't Sheriff Taylor just let him share a cell with Otis for the night?

MISS PATTY

Well, maybe the Morris' will take him again.

KIRK

Their kids stuck things in my nose.

MISS PATTY

Well, then, lock the door when you sleep!

KIRK

It wasn't while I was asleep.

SOOKIE

[whispering to Lorelai]

Hey. How'd you drag Luke here?

LORELAI

He wanted to come.

KIRK

I'll just sleep outside in the gazebo. I would ask, though, that if I die from exposure, don't just dump me in the landfill.

MISS PATTY

No one's dumping you in a landfill, Kirk.

TAYLOR

[regretfully]

It's against regulations. Let's pigeonhole this matter for now, people. Get on to our next order of business. It's the matter of the estate of the late Joshua Twickham. As you know -

LORELAI

[whispers to Sookie]

You bring food?

SOOKIE

After the trail mix fiasco, I wouldn't dare.

SOOKIE

Sorry.

TAYLOR

I am happy to say that this beloved elder was generous even on his deathbed. Mr. Twickham has left his beautiful home to the town.

KIRK

Is his deathbed still there? I'm not picky.

LUKE

What does that mean, to the town?

TAYLOR

Luke! What are you doing here?

LUKE

Just keep going, Taylor.

TAYLOR

He left the house to the Historical Society along with his ample collection of valuable memorabilia. His will stipulates that the house is to be converted into a museum.

LUKE

A museum?

TAYLOR

Are you going to interrupt me the whole meeting?

LUKE

I'm just asking.

TAYLOR

A Stars Hollow museum. We will display his personal historical artifacts for a period of two months. After two months, the house is to be disposed of at the discretion of the head of the Historical Society, he meaning me.

LUKE

Oh, goody.

TAYLOR

So now you're going to talk under your breath.

LUKE

I'm sorry.

TAYLOR

Funny, I didn't hear those words come out of your mouth this morning after you tried to kill me.

LORELAI

[looks at Luke]

What?

TAYLOR

So, we're going to need strong volunteers to make this dream a reality. Now, anyone with appropriate skills, let's see a show of hands.

LORELAI

Uh, you're really going to have to fill me in on the gag, here.

TAYLOR

Luke, don't come to these things just to mock our business.

LUKE

I'm not mocking anything, I'm volunteering.

TAYLOR

After you threw a frying pan at my head.

LORELAI

You threw a frying pan at Taylor's head?

TAYLOR

Just for playing my Muzak too loud. I mean, who doesn't love Muzak?

SOOKIE

[raises her hand]

Oh! Music lovers?

LUKE

The thing slipped out of my hand.

TAYLOR

Right after you said, quote, um, “you better duck, Taylor, because I'm going to throw this frying pan at your head”?

LORELAI

You threw a frying pan at Taylor's head without me there? I hate you.

LUKE

I'm volunteering. Take it or leave it.

TAYLOR

Patty, take down the names of the legitimate volunteers, please. Now, whoever's actually going to show up, our day starts at seven sharp. To the rest, shame on you. Now, onto item number three. The budgetary concerns about the new snowplow.

LORELAI

[to Luke]

I'm sorry, does Taylor have compromising pictures of you or something?

LUKE

It's no joke.

LORELAI

Why on earth are you volunteering for Taylor?

LUKE

Well, um –

LORELAI

Luke.

LUKE

How well did you know Old Man Twickham?

LORELAI

Somewhat.

LUKE

Well, I knew him all my life. He was like another dad, in a way.

LORELAI

Oh. Nice.

LUKE

And I didn't show up to say good-bye, and I'm feeling a little guilty about it, you know. He's a good guy. I just want to do right by him.

LORELAI

Well. You are a terrific fellow, Luke Danes.

TAYLOR

No, Kirk. If you build an igloo to sleep in, and the town plow runs over it, it kills you, we are not going to just leave your corpse in the snow.

KIRK

Okay, but I don't want to be a burden.

TAYLOR

Let's store all the boxes inside. Sort through them in there, then store what we don't need in the garage.

LUKE

Morning, Taylor.

TAYLOR

What are you doing here?

LUKE

I volunteered.

TAYLOR

I don't get the joke.

LUKE

There's no joke! I'm at your disposal.

TAYLOR

Now, we're going to need a nice flat staging area, perhaps over there, [he points] because there's no space here out front.

LUKE

What about right here? [He points at a space right next to where they are standing.]

TAYLOR

My office is going here.

LUKE

Your office? Why do you need an office?

TAYLOR

So you came to complain?

LUKE

No, I was just –

TAYLOR

I'm organizing! I'm working! I need an office!

LUKE

Okay, fine. Sorry. Carry on.

TAYLOR

[calling out]

Come on, everybody! [To the clipboard man] Let's hook up with people inside and I'll start handing out assignments.

TAYLOR

Eh, where are you going?

LUKE

Inside.

TAYLOR

Why?

LUKE

I'm a volunteer!

KYLE

Hey, Luke.

LUKE

Hey, Kyle.

KYLE

Just thought I'd lend a hand.

LUKE

Uh-huh, good one.

TAYLOR

Is this everybody, people?

KIRK

I believe so, Taylor.

GYPSY

[to Luke]

What the hell are you doing here?

LUKE

I can't keep answering this question.

TAYLOR

Come in, good folk. We are embarking on a wonderful adventure. Right here in this room, we will display Mr. Twickham's impressive collection of memorabilia. Upstairs, we'll house the multimedia dioramas depicting the history of the town.

LUKE

Sounds good.

TAYLOR

Now, I took the liberty of doing up some fun shirts that we all can wear. Everyone, please. Put one on.

TAYLOR

Isn't that nice. Now, they all take a cold water wash and tumble dry. Low. Now, before we begin, I'd like us all to join hands.

LUKE

What?

GYPSY

He's a twisted little perv if you ask me.

TAYLOR

Come on, everybody, take hands.

TAYLOR

Let's close our eyes and visualize our goal. Picture a freckle-faced boy, eyes wide with curiosity, drinking in the history of the town as he wanders the room. He's by the door, he's going by the stairs, he's delighting –

KIRK

Luke's peeking.

LUKE

That means you're peeking too, snitch.

TAYLOR

Quiet! Please!

GYPSY

Hey, I've lost track. Where's the freckle-faced kid walking?

TAYLOR

Okay, I think that's enough visualizing, everybody. How about we start organizing all these boxes, okay?

TAYLOR

I'd like a moment with you, Luke.

LUKE

Yeah, time to let go, there, Taylor!

TAYLOR

I want the straight skinny from you.

LUKE

Really, let go of my hand.

TAYLOR

Not until you tell me what you're doing.

LUKE

I'm really just trying to get my hand away from you.

TAYLOR

Why are you here? Why did you volunteer?

LUKE

Because I wanted to!

TAYLOR

Luke, you hated Old Man Twickham. I know that for a fact. You said despicable things about him your whole life!

LUKE

Well, okay. If you must know, Lorelai asked me.

TAYLOR

Lorelai?

LUKE

That's right. You know, we've been through a bit of a rough patch –

TAYLOR

Yes.

LUKE

Well, I want to make things right with her. Get off to a good new start. She really wants me to get involved with community things, so she asked me to get involved. So, I'm doing it for her.

TAYLOR

Well, I think that's very nice.

LUKE

So I'm here for you, Taylor. One hundred percent.

TAYLOR

Good. Because you're not untalented.

LUKE

[trying unsuccessfully to take his hand back]

Thank you.

TAYLOR

How about I make you my right-hand man? Stick by me! Be me when I'm not here! What do you say?

LUKE

Well, I'll need my right hand back for that, I think.

TAYLOR

Of course. [He lets go of Luke's hand.] Okay. Good. This is a new side of you, Luke, and I like it. All right, let's get started, everybody! [He turns away.] Kirk, grab Kyle and come on over and help me start in this corner.

SANDRA

So, which is your favorite room?

LORELAI

Oh, that changes daily. Today it's the library.

SANDRA

What do you love about it?

LORELAI

It – hugs you. You know – does that sound silly?

SANDRA

Not at all.

LORELAI

Um, the kitchen turned out so wonderfully. So the kitchen and the library are duking it out right now.

SANDRA

I should definitely get the name of your designer.

LORELAI

Numerous. We went through quite a few.

SANDRA

Really? The design's so cohesive.

LORELAI

What you see is a lot of me. [Gestures at the notepad she is writing on.] Uh, she said that so humbly.

SANDRA

Hey, credit where credit is due.

LORELAI

I put my soul into this place. My heart. My liver, a couple of kidneys. I had a great partner in Sookie, and, uh, we had a great community rooting for us –

SANDRA

That's what you feel here. Support, family, homeyness, warmth. It must reflect your upbringing.

SANDRA

No?

LORELAI

I am just happy I wasn't sipping coffee when you said that, it would have come out my nose.

SANDRA

Oh. Childhood wasn't so warm and fuzzy?

LORELAI

You know Superman's fortress of solitude? A Jamaican beach, compared to my mother's house.

SANDRA

So I'll cross your mother off your list of inspirations.

LORELAI

No, I actually did pick up some valuable lessons on running a staff from my mother.

SANDRA

How so?

LORELAI

Well, I consider what my mother would do in a given situation, then I dial it back, and I have what Mussolini would do, then I dial it back, and I have what Stalin would do, and then I dial that back and then it starts approaching what a sane person would do.

SANDRA

Ouch.

LORELAI

You're right. Let's find a topic happier than my relationship with my mother. Basically that would be anything short of famine. [Sandra laughs.] Okay. I will tell you one story about my mother on a family vacation. Jimmy Carter was there. And he had a bigger room.

TAYLOR

All righty. Upstairs floors and walls cleaned, check. Blackout curtains delivered and ready to be installed, check. Uh, Luke?

LUKE

Yeah.

TAYLOR

It would really help to hear you say ‘check'.

LUKE

Oh, I'm getting it, Taylor. [He points to his clipboard.]

TAYLOR

But how do I know that unless you say ‘check' after I say ‘check'?

LUKE

Fine.

TAYLOR

And audio equipment delivered, awaiting mounting brackets, check?

LUKE

Check.

TAYLOR

Excellent.

TAYLOR

Boys, boys, what's so funny?

KIRK

I took the mannequin by the arms and I said –

KYLE

Wait, wait, I'll tell him. He goes ‘grab the other end' –

KIRK

No, no, I said, ‘grab her end' –

KYLE

Right, so I grabbed her here. Right under her rear end –

KIRK

Her rear end!

KYLE

And I was walking with it like that!

TAYLOR

Really, do I have to separate you two? Now set that down and bring in the others. Modestly.

TAYLOR

So, Gypsy. Find some interesting stuff?

GYPSY

How does a George Washington letter sound?

TAYLOR

Fantastic.

LUKE

[joining them, and taking the letter]

Wow, that's great!

GYPSY

Mint condition, too.

TAYLOR

Let's frame it, and hang it in a place of honor.

LUKE

Eh, I'm not sure this is what you think it is.

GYPSY

What do you mean? It's a letter to the editor, signed ‘George Washington'.

LUKE

It's dated ‘1944'.

TAYLOR

That's a little smudged, that could be 1744.

LUKE

It mentions Jack Benny.

GYPSY

Well, we could cross out the Jack Benny part.

TAYLOR

Let's put it on the ‘to be displayed' pile and we'll authenticate it at a later date.

LUKE

Actually, why don't we put it in the ‘maybe' pile, Taylor? There's got to be better than this.

TAYLOR

You're right! Let's keep our standards high. Good thinking, Luke. Now, Gypsy, as soon as we have everything catalogued, my man Luke here will liaise with you to co-ordinate your needs.

LUKE

Right, we'll liaise.

GYPSY

Fine. But I'm not doing nothing dirty.

TAYLOR

Carry on. [He walks out.]

LUKE

Hey, so we should start moving this stuff in the other room so we can clean here next –

KYLE

[entering with Kirk and another mannequin]

Luke.

LUKE

Yeah?

KYLE

Taylor would like to see you in his office.

LUKE

What? He was just here.

KIRK

That's what he said.

LUKE

[to Gypsy]

I'll be right back.

TAYLOR

[OS]

Come in.

LUKE

You wanted to see me?

TAYLOR

Ah, Luke. Yes. Sit down, won't you? We need to talk. [Luke sits.] Now, if you're going to disagree with me, which you have every right to, please don't do it in front of the rest of the crew.

LUKE

What are you talking about?

TAYLOR

That George Washington letter. I was humiliated.

LUKE

No you weren't.

TAYLOR

Luke, we're a team. Don't forget that.

LUKE

Fine, okay. I won't disagree with you in front of the crew.

TAYLOR

Good. Although, it's probably safest for you not to disagree with me at all, don't you think?

LUKE

Ah, sure. I agree.

TAYLOR

Good. [His walkie-talkie beeps.]

KIRK

[over walkie-talkie]

Taylor!

TAYLOR

This is Taylor Doose.

KIRK

The carpenter is here, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Copy that. [To Luke] Uh, liaise with him, would you?

LUKE

Mm-hm. You took the words right out of my mouth.

LUKE

Where's the guy, Kirk?

KIRK

Right over there.

PARIS

Every one of these people is dead. That makes me sad.

RORY

That movie is from the sixties. They're not all dead.

PARIS

Well, they're old. Osteoporosistic. These days if they shake it, they break it. That makes me sad.

RORY

Switch back to Moller.

PARIS

Hey, it was your idea for me to watch a movie.

RORY

It was my idea for you to do whatever it took to get your mind off Doyle.

PARIS

So, you're going away, huh? No Huntzberger this weekend?

RORY

Obviously not.

PARIS

You guys were hot and heavy for a couple weeks. What happened?

RORY

Nothing.

PARIS

Feast turned into famine, huh?

RORY

Fine. If you must know, yes. See, Paris, I am not in denial. Logan and I were hot and heavy, had a good two weeks, then it became about voicemails, then crickets. So, yes, he pulled back and I'm going crazy, but I'm not going to stay here and wallow and watch you be all depressed.

PARIS

[sitting up suddenly]

You're right.

RORY

About what?

PARIS

About staying here. You should get out, I should get out. This place is poison.

RORY

It is!

PARIS

I don't want to be like this. I want to live my life so that I'll be able to read an in-depth biography about myself in later years, and not puke.

RORY

Good.

PARIS

I'm going to get up and pack, and I am going to have some fun this weekend.

RORY

Good.

PARIS

How does this end?

RORY

They dance again.

PARIS

Okay.

LANE

Hey, Zach? Grandy's closes at eight tonight, a little early because it's one of his kid's birthdays, but I checked with Luke and he's letting me off at seven, so we've got plenty of time.

ZACH

For what?

LANE

To shop at Grandy's. We set it up last week.

ZACH

We did?

LANE

Yes.

ZACH

Huh. Well, can we go next week?

LANE

Zach, we haven't hit Grandy's in four months. We're completely out of cleaning supplies.

ZACH

Well, I can't go tonight, so just go without me.

LANE

But you love shopping for cleaning supplies.

ZACH

I know, but tonight I've got something to do.

LANE

What?

ZACH

I'm just going to go chill with some friends.

LANE

Who?

ZACH

Well, okay, Officer, I confess. Body's in the trunk.

LANE

Zach.

ZACH

I'm just going to see some old friends. God, what do you want, names and addresses?

LANE

No. Fine. I'll go by myself.

ZACH

Good.

LANE

Good.

ZACH

And don't forget. Get a dishwashing liquid that's gentle on my hands.

LANE

I will.

RORY

Hello!

LORELAI

Hi! Honey!

RORY

This is okay, right? Springing a surprise visit on you.

LORELAI

This is your definition of surprise? [Laughs.] This is not a surprise. Come on in, I'll show you a surprise.

RORY

Paris!

PARIS

I packed my bags and was on the road before I remembered that parents don't own property in the United States anymore.

RORY

Since when?

PARIS

Since the IRS red-foxed my father. The place in Asylum Hill, the Nantucket cottage – even the crack-house in Harlem that we converted into a co-op was sold to one of the Queer Eye guys.

RORY

Where'd they go?

PARIS

They're going to wire me when they're safe. Anyway, I'm here. Should I leave?

RORY

No, stay. Uh, if it's okay with Mom.

LORELAI

It's okay with me.

RORY

So I guess you can have the couch.

LORELAI

Ah, sorry. That's spoken for.

RORY

What?

KIRK

Hey, Rory. This is a nice surprise.

LORELAI

The Maddis' were supposed to have him tonight. They have goldfish. Kirk's afraid of goldfish.

KIRK

They're always staring at you. All gold and unblinking.

PARIS

I like sleeping on the floor anyway. It's good for my back.

RORY

Okay. Enjoy. Can I, um – [She gestures for Lorelai to follow her.]

LORELAI

Mm-hm.

KIRK

[OS]

How do you feel about goldfish?

LORELAI

So, what inspired your visit?

RORY

Just nothing else to do.

LORELAI

Ah, well, don't I feel special.

RORY

Sorry. You know what I mean.

LORELAI

You mean, I love you mommy, I miss you mommy.

RORY

That's what I meant.

LORELAI

So, no parties or anything? No dates?

RORY

No. Just a nice quiet weekend. It's perfect. Oh, wait, you didn't have anything planned with Luke tonight? Don't cancel it on my account.

LORELAI

No, it's okay. He's busy. Taylor's making him drive out to fetch an historical cannonball that Old Man Twickham had lent to his sister in Mystic.

RORY

What would you borrow a cannonball for?

LORELAI

It's been bugging me too.

RORY

Hm. So, how'd your magazine interview go?

LORELAI

Good, I think. I mean, I've never done one before. She didn't stab me with her pencil or anything.

RORY

Good thing.

LORELAI

My interviewer was really cool. Sandra. It was more like friends chatting than being interviewed. She loved the inn, and she asked some good questions, and she loved, loved my Emily stuff.

RORY

Your Emily stuff?

LORELAI

Yeah, she asked me questions about my background. I gave it to her, unplugged.

RORY

You didn't.

LORELAI

She asked.

RORY

But you couched it, right?

LORELAI

What do you mean?

RORY

I mean, you described it in so many words, colorful but unemotional?

LORELAI

I called her the female Pol Pot.

RORY

Mom, you didn't.

LORELAI

She laughed, for like, a minute.

RORY

That's so harsh.

LORELAI

Harsh, but true.

KIRK

Can I get some water?

LORELAI

Why are you covering your eyes, Kirk?

KIRK

In case you're naked.

LORELAI

You thought I'd walk into my daughter's room and get naked?

KIRK

I don't know your domestic routine.

LORELAI

Glasses are above the sink.

RORY

So you attribute any war crimes to Grandma? Any environmental disasters?

LORELAI

What? We were just talking. She won't print any of it.

RORY

Why? Was it off the record?

LORELAI

Yeah. Technically. It wasn't about the inn.

RORY

But did you say ‘it's off the record'?

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Then it's fair game, so she can print all of it.

LORELAI

Including the limerick?

RORY

You did your limerick?

LORELAI

I am very proud of it. I found two dirty words that rhyme with Emily.

RORY

Oh, boy.

LORELAI

Well, can't I call the reporter and tell her it was off the record?

RORY

You can't take things off the record once they're on.

LORELAI

Well, so what? The chances that my mother reads American Travel are extremely slim.

RORY

Yeah. Except for the fact that I told her about it tonight. [She clears her throat.] I needed some small talk.

LORELAI

What, and ‘how are the girls at the club' and ‘ooh, that's gorgeous, is it new' doesn't work anymore? Those are tried and true standbys.

RORY

Well, I told her about it and she jotted down the title. She's going to read it.

LORELAI

Okay, well, you know what? Fine. Let her. It's all true. I'm tired of protecting people. Of being polite, of worrying about other people's feelings. Let her get all Condoleezza Rice to my Barbara Boxer if she wants.

KIRK

[OS]

Ow!

LORELAI

Kirk, you can open your eyes!

KIRK

[OS]

I'm fine. Ow, my head!

LORELAI

Kirk.

KIRK

[OS]

I'm fine! Ow, my toe!

LORELAI

[goes into the kitchen]

Kirk!

KIRK

[OS]

Oh! My knee!

LORELAI

[OS]

Kirk!

TAYLOR

You were right. We should have tied the cannonball down.

LUKE

Taylor, you don't like to drive after dark, so we didn't have time to tie the cannonball down.

TAYLOR

You didn't have the proper tools to secure it with anyway. Netting, twine –

LUKE

Yes, well, drat my luck. I took all my cannonball securing tools out of my truck just yesterday.

TAYLOR

Must weigh about a hundred pounds.

LUKE

Something like that.

TAYLOR

Oh, good. We're in luck. Hey, Dean!

LUKE

No, Taylor, I'll move it myself.

TAYLOR

Luke, don't be headstrong. Once I strained my pecs lifting a birdbath and they were no good to me ever again.

DEAN

What do you need, Taylor?

TAYLOR

Got a big heavy ball here. How are your pecs?

DEAN

[pause]

They're fine.

TAYLOR

Help us to the house?

LUKE

Look, buddy –

DEAN

Where do you want it, Taylor?

TAYLOR

Uh, on the lawn is fine. We'll put it in place tomorrow morning.

TAYLOR

Lucky you were here.

DEAN

Yeah. Lucky.

LORELAI

[Calling]

Breakfast!

PARIS

Morning.

LORELAI

Morning! Hey, Rory, are you up?

PARIS

She's probably on the phone.

RORY

I'm not on the phone. I'm just getting dressed.

LORELAI

Coffee?

LORELAI

So, did you get any rest?

PARIS

Kirk talks in his sleep.

LORELAI

Anything juicy?

PARIS

He deals blackjack.

LORELAI

Hm. Kirk?

KIRK

[OS]

Yeah?

LORELAI

Turn off the TV, come have your breakfast.

KIRK

[OS]

In a minute.

LORELAI

Now.

PARIS

How old is he?

RORY

You'd have to cut him open and count the rings.

KIRK

[entering]

Morning.

LORELAI

Morning.

RORY

Morning.

PARIS

You really should see a sleep therapist.

KIRK

Roulette?

PARIS

Blackjack.

KIRK

Sorry. [He sits down.]

LORELAI

Kirk, is the TV still on?

KIRK

Oh, I forgot! [He starts to get up.]

LORELAI

No, no. I'll get it. You'd forget your head if it wasn't screwed on. [She goes into the living room.]

PARIS

Don't deny that you were on the phone.

RORY

Phone's in the living room.

PARIS

Oh, that's your phone? It rang about an hour ago.

RORY

[hopeful]

It was ringing?

PARIS

No.

RORY

Knock it off.

KIRK

What are you guys talking about?

KIRK

Fine. [He boxes himself in with the cereal.]

LORELAI

No forts. Now, I don't know what all your plans are, but the grand opening of the Stars Hollow Museum is this morning. Any takers?

PARIS

It's always amusing when provincials grasp for legitimacy. I'm in.

RORY

I wouldn't miss it.

KIRK

I helped build it.

PARIS

Bully.

LORELAI

All right, well, finish up here, grab your jackets and we'll go.

KIRK

I don't need a jacket.

LORELAI

Well, it's chilly, Kirk.

KIRK

[whining]

I don't want to wear a jacket.

LORELAI

Well, then, maybe you won't go to the grand opening of the Stars Hollow museum.

KIRK

I'll put on my jacket. [He stomps out of the kitchen.]

LORELAI

Finish your breakfast first. Kirk. Do not turn that TV on.

LORELAI

Kirk! I mean it, Kirk!

MISS PATTY

Please enjoy the museum, and come back for some punch. [Rory, Lorelai and Paris are next in line.] Good morning, ladies!

LORELAI

Hi, Patty.

RORY

Hi, Patty.

MISS PATTY

[to Paris]

Oh, I remember you! You poor thing.

PARIS

Thanks.

MISS PATTY

It's three dollars each. That includes the punch. Would you like yours now?

LORELAI

Oh, how about later? After I eat a loaf of bread, a pound of crackers and chase it with a quart of olive oil.

MISS PATTY

[laughs]

Well, it's not my punch if it's not strong.

LORELAI

Hey, are you guys coming? [She sees Luke and Sookie waiting on the porch.] Oh, looks like we're the first group in.

RORY

I'll catch up. I told Lane I'd meet up with her.

LORELAI

‘Kay, see you.

RORY

Bye.

PARIS

[to Rory]

How are you doing?

RORY

I'm fine.

PARIS

Doyle's probably called me at the dorm, and my not calling him back means he may never call me again. There you go. There you have it.

RORY

Paris, you've come this far. Don't buckle.

PARIS

I don't want to buckle. I really don't want to buckle. [She pulls her cell phone out of her pocket and hands it to Rory.] Here. Keep it for me.

RORY

Your cell phone? Are you sure?

PARIS

Remove the temptation.

RORY

You got it. There's Lane.

LANE

Hello.

RORY

What's wrong with you?

LANE

I don't want to talk about it.

RORY

Well, we're a fun group.

RORY

Paris –

PARIS

We paid our three dollars.

RORY

Miss Patty's leftover punch is used to remove tar from construction sites.

PARIS

Then let it remove the tar from our souls.

LUKE

Here it is.

LORELAI

Oh, it's nice! You really turned this around fast, huh?

LUKE

Well, it was a team effort.

SOOKIE

Hey look, old letters!

LORELAI

Oh, I love those! [Reading] Letter from Olivia Taft. Reported grand-niece by marriage to president William Taft. Written to Chester Hobart, assumed distant relative to Garret Hobart, vice-president to William McKinley. Wow.

SOOKIE

Oh, I love history. Ooh! Possibly rare 48 star American flag!

LORELAI

Ah, look at that.

LUKE

Oh, someone was supposed to take the Sears tag off of that.

SOOKIE

What's this?

LORELAI

[reading]

Civil War era cannonball! Ah, where's the cannonball?

LUKE

Flashlights! [He hands them flashlights from a nearby table.]

SOOKIE

I don't see it!

LORELAI

Oh, wait, right there! Right there!

SOOKIE

Ooh! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool!

TAYLOR

[on overhead speakers]

Ladies and gentlemen. Our audio-visual presentation will commence in five minutes. Five minutes, everybody.

LORELAI

Hey, check out that painting!

LUKE

Oh, yeah, actually that's pretty cool. It's a possible circa nineteenth century portrait of what we think may have been the founder of a school that possibly educated Ben Franklin's cousin.

LANE

He just flat out looked out of his face right into my face and said to my face that he was lying.

RORY

Zach said that he was lying?

LANE

No. He lied from his face into my face about where he was going. That's what hurts the most, the lie! Except for seeing him with that woman! That hurts most, more than the lie.

PARIS

You'd think they'd stumble onto the truth. Just accidentally. Say something like two plus two equals four. Just because they say so many things just accidentally, that's like – man!

LANE

I know!

PARIS

They just have to repopulate the species. You know? Just spread it around.

RORY

Oh, they like to spread it around, all right.

PARIS

I bet you Doyle's spreading it right now.

RORY

You don't know that he's spreading it.

PARIS

[pointing at her cup]

This – is tasty.

LANE

[jumps up suddenly]

I've had it!

RORY

Had what?

LANE

I'm getting to the bottom of this.

PARIS

Spank his bottom!

LANE

He can't do this! We're friends too, as well as lovers if we ever get married! [She storms off.]

PARIS

She walks funny.

RORY

I'm thirsty. This punch makes you thirsty.

PARIS

[sighs]

Where is the nearest bathroom?

RORY

No. Paris, no. Stay.

PARIS

I need to go to the bathroom.

RORY

You're going to call Doyle.

PARIS

What? You've got my cell phone.

RORY

We're low-tech here in the Hollow, but we do have payphones.

PARIS

I'm not going to call Doyle.

RORY

Yes you are.

PARIS

I don't even have money on me.

RORY

Uh-huh.

PARIS

Fine. [She takes her shoes and socks off.] Take my shoes, okay? How far can I get without my shoes? Now, bathroom?

RORY

[pointing]

Over there.

PARIS

I'll be right back.

RORY

Good.

PARIS

Excuse me? Could I trouble you for some change? [He keeps walking. To a girl] Excuse me, I just need some change to make a call. Could you – [She ignores Paris.] I just need to make a call!

SOOKIE

Where are we going?

LUKE

You'll see.

LORELAI

What is this?

LUKE

You wouldn't want me to spoil it.

TAYLOR'S VOICE

[on the intercom]

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Stars Hollow dioramic history room presentation. Please stand toward the center of the room, and remember, no talking, no smoking, and please, no lewd behavior of any kind during our presentation.

LUKE

Hey!

LORELAI

I'm just getting the lewd behavior out of the way before the presentation.

TAYLOR'S VOICE

It&##146;s the dawn of time. And whether you believe that a Supreme Being created the earth, or in the more and more discredited theory of evolution, one thing's for certain. Early man walked the land we are now on. And while no printed record survived, there's no proof that the first tools weren't invented right here in Stars Hollow.

LORELAI

Huh. That wrench is really getting him hot.

LUKE

Hey, there's people!

LORELAI

That's half the fun.

TAYLOR'S VOICE

Zooming forward in time to the founding of Stars Hollow. The very first people to live on this land, besides the Indians, was the Jebediah family.

TAYLOR'S VOICE

Good puritans, they were led by the humble Reverend Ezekiel. With him was wife Louisa, daughter Harriet, and young son Joseph, born without speech. I wonder what that first conversation was when they rode up to their new home?

EZEKIEL

Whoa, boy. Good girl. You smell that air, mother?

LOUISA

It smells like home, Ezekiel.

EZEKIEL

Ho, ho, ho, ho. And look at this fertile soil. Just a-wantin' to yield crops.

LOUISA

It smells like home, Ezekiel.

EZEKIEL

But what of the young'uns? What have they to say of their new home?

HARRIET

We can run in the woods, play games, and be schooled at home!

EZEKIEL

Hey! My divining rod is twitching! That means there's water a-plenty.

LOUISA

Better get inside, children, it's time for supper.

HARRIET

Okay, mother. I'm hungry. You hungry, too, Joseph?

EZEKIEL

Those stars. So bright. This forest, hollow. What name should I give this place? Hollow. Stars. Hollow. Stars.

LORELAI

No. Really? They're going to leave us on a cliffhanger?

LANE

Sophie!

SOPHIE

Geez, Lane, I don't have time for coffee right now.

LANE

You owe me an explanation! You – woman!

SOPHIE

What are you talking about?

LANE

You know what I'm talking about. I look to you as a role model. Well, not anymore, except as a role model for heartbreak! I know what you can offer him. You're bohemian, and experienced, familiar with the world of sensual pleasure, champagne, Times Square. I bet you've even smoked a cigarette or two!

SOPHIE

Oh my God, your breath would stop an elephant!

LANE

You've not only been to New York, but you've lived there. You know where the best bagels are and you've been with men. But you don't know him like I know him. It's cheap thrills for you, sister! But I know what cleaning products he likes. Do you?

SOPHIE

I'm not sure how to answer that.

LANE

It had to have been a moment of weakness, because he doesn't like you! He likes me!

SOPHIE

Who?

LANE

Zach!

SOPHIE

Zach?

LANE

Zach!

SOPHIE

Come here.

LANE

Zach?

ZACH

Lane!

SOPHIE

Talk! [She leaves them alone.]

LANE

Why are you playing a banjo?

ZACH

It's a bluegrass band, okay? I like bluegrass. I like jamming with these guys, and yes, I like the banjo.

LANE

[not making eye contact]

But why didn't you tell me?

ZACH

[apologetic]

Because we're rock and roll, Lane. You and me. I was embarrassed. So the guys and I have been jamming on the sly here. Sophie let us. I like the banjo.

LANE

Well, I like the banjo too, when you're playing it.

ZACH

Really?

LANE

Yeah. It's kind of hot.

ZACH

The guys are watching.

LANE

Well, go back to your playing.

ZACH

Cool.

LANE

Oh! And I got three things of Pine-Sol. I've been dying to tell you! But there's been this weird thing between us.

ZACH

Lemon?

LANE

Yeah. Because I know that's what you like.

ZACH

Let's hit it, boys.

PARIS

Hey, I need some change here. Come on, damn it! Yeah, keep walking. Keep walking! [She kicks in their direction and blows a raspberry. She runs out into the street after a car.] Hey! Hey, I need fifty cents! Come on! Just fifty cents! Watch it! [She almost gets hit by a car, then runs back onto the sidewalk.] Hey! Give me fifty cents! [The people keep walking.] Fall in a hole! [She blows another raspberry.]

LOGAN'S VOICEMAIL

Hey, it's Logan. Leave whatever message you want. And if this is Finn? Buddy, your voicemail is full! Again! We're meeting at the Starwood, nine-thirty, then just club-hopping from there. There's eleven of us, so bring the Hummer. Don't be more than a half hour late, and erase those stupid messages. [Beep.]

TAYLOR'S VOICE

Sanitation in wartime. No one likes to think about it, but in Stars Hollow that's all we thought about. A local manufacturer, Buff-Rite, was the sole supplier of all things pertaining to sanitation and hygiene for our boys in World War two. Remember their snappy theme song?

WOMAN'S VOICE

[singing]

Walk light, smell right, head held high with Buff-Rite!

TAYLOR'S VOICE

Closed due to a dramatic drop in demand for its chief products, urinal cakes, the Buff-Rite factory nevertheless afforded hundreds of Stars Hollow residents healthy livelihoods. [Lorelai's cell phone rings.] The Buff-Rite diorama is dedicated –

LORELAI

Sorry, that's me. [She looks at the caller.] Oh, I've got to take this.

LUKE

I'll meet you outside. I've seen enough.

SOOKIE

I can't get enough. [Luke and Lorelai leave. Sookie sings to herself.] Walk light, smell right –

TAYLOR'S VOICE

Remember the sixties? The town of Stars Hollow does! What a headache! A veritable dark age, culminating in a sit-in that gathered over a thousand freaks from the Tri-county area.

LORELAI

Hello?

SANDRA

Uh, hi, Lorelai! It's Sandra from American Travel.

LORELAI

Sandra, hi. Thanks for getting back to me so quickly.

SANDRA

No problem, what's up?

LORELAI

Well, I was just thinking about –

SANDRA

Oh, it was great, by the way. Everyone just flipped for it here.

LORELAI

Oh, wonderful. Thank you. But I just wanted to let you know, I think I may have crossed a line with the stuff about my mother?

SANDRA

What? No! It was the best part!

LORELAI

Oh, so it's in the article?

SANDRA

It's not the dominant thing, but it's in. It's great color.

LORELAI

Right. Well, I was wondering if maybe you could lose some of that color. Would that screw things up too much?

SANDRA

Oh, but the stuff about your mother is great! My editor flipped.

LORELAI

Wow. So it's already gone to an editor?

SANDRA

We turn things around pretty quickly.

LORELAI

I guess so. You know, Sandra, I would really like you to cut all the stuff about my mother. Um, it would be a big favour.

SANDRA

I would really rather not. It was a lot of work.

LORELAI

Okay, couldn't you just do a quick re-write, for a friend?

SANDRA

We're not friends.

LORELAI

Oh, right.

SANDRA

Look. It's too late to change it. The only other option we have is pulling it altogether.

LORELAI

Pulling it?

SANDRA

Yeah, and just subbing in something else.

LORELAI

The whole article? The cover and everything?

SANDRA

The whole thing.

LORELAI

Oh.

SANDRA

Look, don't worry about it. It's great. It flies by. The readers are going to love it, okay?

LORELAI

Okay, sure. Thanks for calling me back. Bye.

MAN'S VOICE

I'm sure looking forward to work today!

WOMAN'S VOICE

Haley, put your Etch-a-Sketch away and come sit down.

LORELAI

What's this?

SOOKIE

Modern life in Stars Hollow.

MAN

Great breakfast, mother.

BOY

Yeah, you've done it again, mom!

WOMAN

I just love serving breakfast to my family.

GIRL

And I love Jesus!

TAYLOR

Look at these clamouring crowds, partner!

LUKE

Yeah, people seem to be having a good time.

TAYLOR

It was a rush job, but spectacular. It's more than I thought it would be.

LUKE

Oh, way more.

TAYLOR

I'm seriously considering going permanent with this.

LUKE

What?

TAYLOR

Well, I think we've got something here. Something big. A two-month run isn't enough! We've at least got to hold it over through the summer!

LUKE

Taylor –

TAYLOR

I'm thinking we should keep it open for at least a year. Even if it doesn't make money. At that point, we've got the publicity. We've made the guidebooks. My God! We'll have a Cooperstown-type attraction on our hands!

LUKE

Taylor, no!

TAYLOR

What?

LUKE

Are you blind? This place is a piece of crap!

TAYLOR

What? A piece of –

LUKE

Look at it! The old man's stuff – it's not even historical! It's all a bunch of stuff that may have belonged to people who may have distantly related to people who may have been historically meaningful! And the diorama –

TAYLOR

Well, I'll admit, it's a little rough –

LUKE

It's a joke.

TAYLOR

Luke, I don't get it. You helped build this! You were so co-operative! Why are you turning on it like this? Turning on me?

LUKE

I want the house.

TAYLOR

What?

LUKE

I want this house, Taylor. All my life I've loved this house. They don't build them like this anymore. I mean, you saw the banisters, right?

TAYLOR

Well, yeah, but –

LUKE

No. I've always said to myself if you're going to have a family and buy a house, then it's got to be this house.

TAYLOR

Oh –

LUKE

It's why I volunteered, okay? I got involved with this whole thing to stay close to the house and keep on your good side. You had the control.

TAYLOR

I should have known that you were doing this for selfish reasons.

LUKE

Taylor, look. I know you don't like me, I can't change that. But I've got to be honest here. This museum is not going to make it. This property, these expenses, the taxes, the upkeep. I mean, the floor broke through from just the cannonball. It's going to take money. Do you want to keep a money loser on the books? Do you want that to be your legacy in Stars Hollow? Because that's what this is, Taylor. It's a money pit.

TAYLOR

Well, I don't want a money pit on the books.

LUKE

Just keep it open for the two months, then sell it to me. I'll give you the best price, I swear.

TAYLOR

A family. You mean, you and Lorelai –

LUKE

Me and – whoever. Yeah.

TAYLOR

Huh. Well, I'll think about it.

LORELAI

We have got to bring everyone we know to this thing immediately, before the Nederlanders swoop in and whisk it away to Broadway.

SOOKIE

And at three bucks a pop. That crappy Epis show costs a hundred bucks.

LORELAI

I've got to make a quick call, maybe we'll go through again.

SOOKIE

[gasps]

Once is not enough!

LORELAI

Sandra, hi. It's Lorelai Gilmore, again. Listen, I was thinking, I think you should just pull the article. Yeah, I'm sure. But thanks. Okay. Bye.

LUKE

So, was it all I said it would be?

LORELAI

Oh, and more! I've got to go through with Rory, have you seen her anywhere?

LUKE

Haven't seen her, no.

LORELAI

Wow.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

I just never really looked at this place before. Those columns, and that brick.

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

It's beautiful.

LUKE

Yeah. It's a great house.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Aw, Rory, honey, what's wrong?

RORY

I don't feel good. I really don't feel good.

LORELAI

I think I can, uh, guess why. Come on, let's get you home.

LUKE

You need help? Want me to drive?

LORELAI

It's okay, it's just five minutes. Come on.

LUKE

Okay, Dean. Come on. Give me that attitude. What's up? What is this, still about the Pippi night? The Bop-it? Fine. You hate me, whatever. You want to punch me? Go ahead, I'm a terrible guy, I deserve it. Go ahead, take a shot. I won't even fight back. Make you feel better, huh, buddy?

DEAN

Just go back to your girlfriend.

LUKE

Fine. Whatever.

DEAN

[mumbles]

While you've got one.

LUKE

What's that supposed to mean?

DEAN

What do you think it means?

LUKE

I'm not playing games here!

DEAN

Your situation is no different from mine. Buddy.

LUKE

I've got work to do.

DEAN

Then go. They want more than this. Don't you see that? And all you are is this.

LUKE

Rory was a kid, Dean. She grew up. She moved on. Accept it.

DEAN

You accept it. This town, it's all you are, and it's not enough. She's going to get bored, and you can't take her anywhere. You're here forever.

LUKE

It's different.

DEAN

It's not different. You and me. Same thing.

RORY

Why doesn't he like me? Why doesn't he call me? What did I do?

LORELAI

Sh, honey, it's okay. It's okay.

RORY

Logan – [she breaks off into a sob.]

LORELAI

Sh, it's okay.