T5E3: “Written in the Stars”

LORELAI

[OS] Shaken, not stirred, please, Jeeves.

RICHARD

His name is Robert.

LORELAI

I thought every butler's name was Jeeves.

RICHARD

He's not a butler. He's a valet.

LORELAI

So he parks your car?

RICHARD

No, he does not park my car. He does exactly what you see him doing.

LORELAI

So he is a bartender.

RICHARD

He attends to my needs.

LORELAI

So he's a geisha.

RICHARD

You'll be quieter once you have a drink, I assume. [to Rory] So, young lady, you're starting your second year of Yale this week.

RORY

Yeah, I move into Branford on Monday.

RICHARD

You're going to love Branford College. That where I lived, you know.

RORY

I know.

RICHARD

It is the oldest of Yale's residential colleges. They have these Carillon bells that are enchanting, and it has, what was called by Robert Frost, the most beautiful college courtyard in America.

RORY

Well, I'll tell you what, Grandpa -- I'll get settled in, and then we can have lunch there.

RICHARD

Ah, that's a deal.

ROBERT

You wanted me to remind you that you were going to bring out the Hungarian cheese, sir.

RICHARD

Yes I did. I'll be right back. [he stands and exits]

RORY

This is crazy.

LORELAI

Well, it depends on your definition of "crazy." I, for one, found the Mariah Carey phone messages to her fans just refreshingly imaginative.

RORY

We're having drinks in the pool house.

LORELAI

Yup.

RORY

The last time I was in the pool house was the last time I was in the pool.

LORELAI

I know. I pushed you in.

RORY

So, Grandpa's actually living out here?

LORELAI

Looks like.

RORY

Do you think he's happy?

LORELAI

I do. I think he's very happy out here with his books and his special friend, Robert.

RORY

Don't be gross.

LORELAI

What? I'm just saying two grown men out here alone with Hungarian cheese and swim trunks...

RORY

Oh, jeez.

LORELAI

Don't be so puritanical. After all, Heather has two mommies.

RICHARD

All right, we have cheese, we have drinks. Do you each have a coaster?

LORELAI

[holds up philosopher pictured coaster] Kierkegaard.

RORY

[holds up] Schopenhauer.

RICHARD

Excellent.

ROBERT

Yes?

MADONNA LOUISE

Dinner is served in the main house.

ROBERT

I will tell Mr. Gilmore. [stiffly walks ten feet to where they are sitting] Dinner is served in the main house.

LORELAI

But we haven't finished our drinks yet.

MADONNA LOUISE

But the madam is ready now.

RICHARD

Well, ladies, it's been a lovely evening. Until next week...

LORELAI

Hold on, Dad. [gulps her martini]

RORY

Thank you, Grandpa.

LORELAI

Yeah. Thanks for the cheese, Dad. Bye.

LORELAI

Hmm. Soup in 100-degree weather. Cool.

EMILY

I have the air-conditioning on, Lorelai.

RORY

I like it, Grandma.

LORELAI

Oh, my God, the sucking up.

EMILY

Stop it. [then to Rory] Thank you. It's fennel potato puree with a touch of chili to give it spice. I thought we could go more exotic now that it's just us girls.

LORELAI

If you really want an exotic girls' night out, Mom, let's hit Baja.

EMILY

So, Rory, tell me, what's new?

LORELAI

Different room, same reaction.

RORY

Oh, nothing much.

EMILY

Really? Well, what was new 20 minutes ago?

RORY

Excuse me?

EMILY

What did you talk about with your grandfather?

RORY

Oh, well --

EMILY

I mean, just because he gets you first in the evening doesn't mean you get to waste all the good stories on him.

RORY

I didn't wa --

EMILY

So, you just tell me everything you told him exactly as you told him, leave nothing out.

RORY

Okay. Well, I'm moving into Branford College on Monday.

EMILY

You know, Robert Frost said that Branford has the most beautiful college courtyard in America.

LORELAI

Hmm. You don't say.

EMILY

You knew that?

RORY

No.

EMILY

He told you that?

LORELAI

No.

EMILY

You've already discussed everything there is to discuss. You're all talked out.

LORELAI

We're not all talked out.

EMILY

He gets you first, talks you out, and I get two exhausted, empty shells. [notices Richard tip-toeing through the room] What do you think you're doing?

RICHARD

I needed to get something out of my study.

EMILY

[stands and walks over to him] You are supposed to stay in the pool house. That is what we agreed on.

RICHARD

I am in the pool house.

EMILY

Oh, really? Right now?

RICHARD

No, not right now. I told you I had to get something.

EMILY

Well, you should have called, made an appointment.

RICHARD

To go into my own study?

EMILY

You don't live here anymore, Richard. What if I was sitting in the living room stark-naked? [Both sad, Rory and Lorelai exchange looks.]

RICHARD

You've never been in the living room stark-naked. You've never been stark-naked. We went skinny-dipping one night, and you wore an overcoat.

EMILY

The water was freezing! [she follows Richard as he exits]

RORY

Crazy.

LORELAI

You said it, Patsy Cline.

LORELAI

Okay, but think about it. Why do we need the word "potty"? Is it really that much harder for a kid to learn the word "bathroom"?

RORY

I don't know. [they sit at a table]

LORELAI

"Timmy, do you have to go potty?" Or "Timmy, do you have to go to the bathroom?" See? Interchangeable.

RORY

Not exactly interchangeable.

LORELAI

How are they not interchangeable?

RORY

To go potty is an action. To go to the bathroom is to go into a specific place.

LORELAI

I hate the word "potty."

RORY

Well, what did you teach me to say?

LORELAI

"Bathroom."

RORY

You did?

LORELAI

Yes, of course.

RORY

I'm 2, I come up to you and I say, "Mommy, Mommy, I have to go to the -" --

LORELAI

The room where legends die.

LUKE

What can I get you?

RORY

A foster home.

LORELAI

You'll thank me one day. [sexy smile to Luke] Hi.

LUKE

I'm working.

LORELAI

Come on. This is the beginning of a relationship. You're supposed to act stupid.

LUKE

I'll do the chicken dance on my lunch break. [to Rory] Heading back to school?

RORY

Yeah, sophomore year.

LUKE

Anything you want - on the house.

LORELAI

[too bright smile] I can't believe you won't flirt with me in front of my daughter. She's gonna think there's something wrong with me.

RORY

Please. I got that confirmation letter a long time ago. Scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese and half bacon, half sausage.

LORELAI

I'll have the same, and put it on her tab.

LUKE

You get your own tab.

LORELAI

[dryly] Oh, thank God you don't have a Latin accent, or you'd be completely irresistible.

LUKE

Coffee will be ready in a minute. [backs away while subtlety signaling Lorelai with his head.]

LORELAI

Be back in a second. [She walks over to the counter. Luke stands behind the counter writing in his ledger book.]

LORELAI

[ Clears throat ] You gestured?

LUKE

[continues to look down while speaking quietly] Those jeans are really working for you.

LORELAI

Yeah?

LUKE

They're working for me, too.

LORELAI

You're flirting with me.

LUKE

Something like that.

LORELAI

Finally. Do it some more.

LUKE

Your shoes work well with that - shirt. [briefly glances up]

LORELAI

Gee, Carson, thanks.

LUKE

That's all I can do right now. People are watching.

LORELAI

Okay.

LUKE

[meaningfully raises his eyes] But tonight I will give you my extremely positive views on other aspects of your being.

LORELAI

Tonight?

LUKE

Are you free?

LORELAI

Yeah, I'm free.

LUKE

Good. 7:30.

LORELAI

What are we gonna do?

LUKE

I've got some thoughts.

LORELAI

Alright, but no taking me to an art museum after hours and then to an empty Hollywood bowl where you give me a pair of diamond earrings that you bought with your college money when all the time you're really in love with your best friend, the drummer, who's posing as our driver for the evening.

LUKE

[pause] Okay, I'll think of something else.

LORELAI

So, what do we say?

LUKE

Say?

LORELAI

To people, to the town. Do we tell them we're dating?

LUKE

I don't know. Do we?

LORELAI

I don't know. I guess we could keep it quiet for a while.

LUKE

We could -- if that's what you want.

LORELAI

No, that's not what I want.

LUKE

Why don't we just play it by ear?

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah. People will know when they know.

LUKE

Okay, sounds good.

LORELAI

Okay, so, 7:30?

LUKE

7:30

LORELAI

Are you gonna watch me walk away?

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

I'll add a little jaunt to it for you.

RORY

What was that all about?

LORELAI

We were just talking about our date for tonight.

RORY

A real date? Finally!

LORELAI

Yeah, finally.

RORY

What are you gonna wear?

LORELAI

Mmm, glass slippers, a backwards baseball cap...

RORY

...and nothing else.

LORELAI

Exactly.

RORY

I'm very excited.

LORELAI

Me too. Hey, have you talked to --

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Do you think you're going to before you - [Rory shakes her head no to end the topic as Luke walks up.] Oh, food. Thank God.

LUKE

Hot plates.

LORELAI

See? He called me "Hot Plates." He so likes me.

LUKE

Jeez. [embarrassed, he looks around before exiting]

EMILY

The mail must be here. [Door bell rings] The Farthingtons' dogs are apoplectic. Ridiculous choice of animal -- a vicious 3-inch ball of hair and a bow -- a ridiculous pink bow for the vicious killers. "Oh, watch out! Cecil Beaton and the Duke of Windsor are headed straight for my shoes!" [maid enters with a handful of mail] Thank you. I'd like some coffee when you get a chance. [the maid nods and exits. Emily shuffles through the mail - opening one envelope]

EMILY

Did we ever hear back from Mr. Gilmore about the Heart Association luncheon?

MADONNA LOUISE

I told his valet about it.

EMILY

And what a help that was. Well, call his valet back and tell him I need a meeting with Mr. Gilmore this afternoon.

MADONNA LOUISE

Yes, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

Thank you. [ Barking continues ] Oh, shut up!

RORY

Careful. If you stain that, my grandmother will hunt you down and kill you. I wish that I was kidding. I'll get the door.

MARTY

Rory!

RORY

Marty, hi! It's nice to see you! [they hug] So, are you living here?

MARTY

I'm living here.

RORY

That's great. So am I. [notices the impatient movers] Oh, sorry. I have to let these guys in. So, how was your summer?

MARTY

I met Nicole Richie, and then spent the next six weeks showering.

RORY

[holds an interior hall door open for the movers] It should be open.

MOVING MAN

[balances sofa and checks knob] Door's locked.

RORY

Oh, really? Sorry. I thought that Paris would be here already. [opens door and Marty follows her in before the movers.]

MARTY

Nice room.

RORY

I can't believe I beat Paris here. I mean, normally, she would want to get dibs on the best room first and set up the furniture exactly the way she wants it.

MARTY

Maybe she's just late.

RORY

Paris is never late. [dials number on her cell phone] Paris, hey, it's Rory.

PARIS

Rory. Hello.

RORY

I'm in our room, and I was just wondering how I could have beat you here.

PARIS

I'll be there later.

RORY

Are you okay? You sound funny.

PARIS

Asher's dead.

RORY

What?

PARIS

He died two weeks ago in Oxford.

RORY

Oh. Paris, I'm sorry. How?

PARIS

Heart attack. It was quick.

RORY

Heart attack?

PARIS

Yes.

RORY

Um...it wasn't during, um...was it?

PARIS

No, Rory. This great man was not brought down by my vagina, okay?

RORY

Okay. Sorry. I just -- that's terrible.

PARIS

He was teaching a Shakespeare class -- "A Midsummer Night's Dream." He was doing Puck, and then suddenly he wasn't.

RORY

Oh, man.

PARIS

And the class was so into his reading, they didn't even get it. They thought he was acting. It was Dick Shawn all over again.

RORY

Where are you?

PARIS

I'm in his flat trying to get his effects squared away, and, of course, his family is acting like spoiled children. All they care about is what they get. If I have to moderate one more argument about the Chippendale desk, I'm going to freak out. And the lawyer handling his affairs is a moron, and don't even get me started on the funeral. He wanted to be cremated, but if you had seen how filthy that crematorium was -- so I shipped him to Cambridge, which apparently is known for its cremation facilities. That was a transportation nightmare, and, of course, his daughter was upset with the move, but where was she at Thanksgiving, huh?

RORY

Is there anything I can do to help?

PARIS

No. Thanks. [long pause] I'm sad.

RORY

I know.

PARIS

Bye.

RORY

Bye. [to Marty] Asher Fleming died.

MARTY

In bed?

RORY

No.

MARTY

Damn. I lost the pool.

BABETTE

Are you sure?

MISS PATTY

Jerry found her birth certificate stashed in her bathroom.

MRS. CASINI

I am not surprised. She knew way too much about sushi to be from Kentucky.

LORELAI

Hi, ladies. What's the dirt today?

BABETTE

Jerry Cutler's new wife, Annabel.

MISS PATTY

Oh, that name alone.

BABETTE

Turns out the 24-year-old former Miss Magnolia Blossom had a little secret.

LORELAI

What?

MISS PATTY

Her birthday! [bursts out laughing]

BABETTE

Seems that 24 is actually code for 36.

LORELAI

No!

BABETTE

Yep. Jerry the moron wound up with a tramp who's actually a year older than the wife he dumped her for. [they all laugh] You got to love the karma.

LORELAI

How's Jerry taking it?

MRS. CASINI

He's getting his eyeglass prescription checked.

LORELAI

CNN's got nothing on you gals. See ya. [walks off]

BABETTE

See you later, sugar.

MRS. CASINI

So, you heard that Marilyn Horne is actually a man?

BABETTE

I'm not surprised.

RICHARD

I sent the check off to the landscaper a week ago.

EMILY

He claims he hasn't received it.

RICHARD

Well, he's lying.

EMILY

Shall I tell him that?

RICHARD

I will stop payment on the check and issue another one.

EMILY

Fine. There's the issue of the Gregorys' cocktail party on the fourth. Even though they did miss our Christmas party last year, you are currently involved in a business deal with Hamilton, so one of us should probably attend.

RICHARD

Jancy will definitely want you to be there.

EMILY

Fine. I'll go. [prepares to make a note]

RICHARD

No, that's all right. I should go.

EMILY

Fine, then you'll go

RICHARD

Though I had to go to the Newmans' Zoo Auction last week.

EMILY

Fine. Then I'll go.

RICHARD

No, it's my business. I'll go.

EMILY

Fine.

RICHARD

Unless you would like to go.

EMILY

Moving on to the subject of your car -

RICHARD

Excuse me?

EMILY

You parked the Cadillac in the driveway when you worked on it this weekend, and it leaked oil all over the place.

RICHARD

It's a tiny stain, Emily.

EMILY

It's a large stain, and I see it every day when I walk in and out of the door.

RICHARD

Really? You can see the driveway with your nose way up in the air like that? [Emily stares stonily in silence] I apologize. That was uncalled for.

EMILY

I think you should restrict your cars to their garages at all times.

RICHARD

I will park my cars anywhere I like.

EMILY

You never used to leave your cars in the driveway before.

RICHARD

I park there when I work on them.

EMILY

Well, work on them somewhere else.

RICHARD

Like where?

EMILY

What about the filling station? It's already filthy there.

RICHARD

Are you seriously suggesting that I drive a priceless antique car 12 blocks away, park it next to a broken-down Chevy, and do my restoring there?

EMILY

Yes.

RICHARD

So this is the way it's going to be from now on.

EMILY

I suppose it is.

RICHARD

A filling station will be fine.

EMILY

Thank you.

RICHARD

I suppose we should discuss the insurance papers.

EMILY

I suppose we should.

MARTY

I mean, I always thought I looked a lot like my Uncle Jerry, and, gee, Mom seemed to really like him.

RORY

I cannot believe this. After all this time, your mother tells you now.

MARTY

My dad looked relieved.

RORY

He did not.

MARTY

I heard him say, "whew!"

RORY

Oh, that is amazing.

MARTY

So, what did you do over the summer?

RORY

[uncomfortable] Well, we so should have started with me.

MARTY

Oh, sorry.

COLIN

No, seriously, you couldn't see me there?

QUINN

Not everyone's staring at you, Colin.

LOGAN

Hey, I know you. No, wait-wait, don't tell me. I'm seeing a uniform of some sort.

QUINN

[sarcasm] Maytag repairman.

MARTY

I've bartended for you -- for your parties.

LOGAN

That's right, you have. You're a talented man. [to Rory] He makes a kick-ass margarita.

MARTY

[chuckle] thanks

LOGAN

It's good to see you again. What's your name?

MARTY

Marty. Uh, this is Rory.

LOGAN

Hi. So, assuming your services are still for hire this year, your financial situation hasn't changed at all?

MARTY

Nope.

LOGAN

Good. Okay, I'll give you a call. Where are you living now?

MARTY

Branford.

LOGAN

Oh, excellent -- Branford. All right. Good running into you.

COLIN

[dryly] Excellent shirt. [to Rory] I can see what you see in him.

LOGAN

Don't be an ass, Colin.

COLIN

Me? Never. I'm a friend to all people, large and very, very small. [walks off to catch up to Logan]

MARTY

I kind of hate those guys.

RORY

Really? I can't see why.

RORY

Wow.

PARIS

I moved some things around. I also switched our rooms. Now, mine may seem bigger, but yours gets less sun, so you don't have to worry about melanoma.

RORY

Hey.

PARIS

What?

RORY

Sorry.

PARIS

Thanks.

RORY

So, how are you holding up?

PARIS

I'm fine. I'm actually relieved to be anywhere that people aren't arguing over the first-edition Faulkners. His granddaughter Sarah is the worst. If she thought the casket was worth anything, she would have stuffed it in her purse.

RORY

You know Paris, you don't have to take care of all this. It's not up to you.

PARIS

I know. It's just I want his memory to be respected. [fidgets with décor]

RORY

It will be.

PARIS

I still can't believe he's gone. He left me his manuscripts.

RORY

[impressed] Wow.

PARIS

Yeah. If Sarah finds out, it's going to be the mountain girl trial all over again. Listen, I want to have a wake.

RORY

A what?

PARIS

A wake in Asher's honor here. We'll give others the chance to pay their respects, to say goodbye. People are going to want this closure. I just think it's the right thing to do.

RORY

Sure.

PARIS

Thank you. [ Cellphone rings ] Hello? Larry, Larry, no. I'm sorry. Did you take the bar or just hang out in one?

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

Oh, hey. I was --

LORELAI

[pointing back to the door] No, I was just coming to...

LUKE

-- pick you up. Was I not supposed to?

LORELAI

No, I figured I'd meet you at the diner.

LUKE

Oooh.

LORELAI

Yeah..

LUKE

I guess we should have discussed.

LORELAI

No-no, I should have assumed -

LUKE

I mean, we u-usually --

LORELAI

Yeah, but this is a date, so the guy usually does - in the truck, and so -

LUKE

Sorry.

LORELAI

No, I'm sorry. [awkward pause] I could go back inside.

LUKE

No, no, this is fine. You're out now, so... [another awkward pause]

LORELAI

We should go.

LUKE

We should go.

LORELAI

You don't have to get the -

LUKE

[scoffs and opens the door. They both nervously chuckle]

LORELAI

okay.

LUKE

There you go.

LORELAI

We'll get better at this.

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Oh. Oh, wow. Very 'Prancing Pony'.

LUKE

This way, please. [gently guides her toward a round-tabled booth] Your table, Miss.

LORELAI

Oh. Why, thank you, sir.

LORELAI

[impressed] "Reserved."

LUKE

I told you I'd planned the evening.

LORELAI

Weren't we supposed to let someone who works here seat us?

LUKE

Not necessary.

LORELAI

Is this like a Mafia thing?

LUKE

Excuse me?

LORELAI

The whole coming in, special table, reserved sign. Are you gonna have to whack someone before the soup course?

LUKE

No, I've filled my whacking quota for the week. [cringes] Dirty?

LORELAI

[wicked grin] Extremely.

LUKE

Thought so.

MAISY

[OS] Lucas!

LUKE

How you doing, Maisy?

MAISY

You just seat yourself now?

LORELAI

I told him!

MAISY

We run a nice place here, Lucas, not like that hash joint of yours. And this must be your young lady. Hello, there. I'm Maisy.

LORELAI

Hi. I'm Lorelai. I love your place.

MAISY

It used to be a whorehouse.

LORELAI

Oh - my.

MAISY

I like that it's got a tarty history. The best places do.

LORELAI

And the best people.

MAISY

'The best people'. I like that. [calls out loudly] Buddy! [shoos Luke] Will you sit down?

LUKE

Well, you pulled me up. [sits]

MAISY

Buddy, this is Lorelai.

BUDDY

Lorelai. Well, hello, Lorelai. [shakes hands]

LORELAI

Hello, Buddy.

MAISY

This is very exciting for us because Lucas never brings his girls here. [calls out] Lori, some sparkling water and champagne.

LUKE

And a beer.

MAISY

You're on a date, you drink champagne. You're at a ball game, you drink a beer.

LORELAI

My goodness, what a big menu.

LUKE

Don't bother looking. Whatever you order, they'll just bring you something different.

MAISY

Hey, what about the, uh - [hand gestures]

BUDDY

Oh, yeah, good. With garlic and --

MAISY

No, no, no garlic. I mean, give the boy a chance.

MAISY

Lorelai, nice to meet you, and, uh, he's a special one, this guy.

LORELAI

That's the word on the street. [Maisy exits] They know you.

LUKE

Actually, I come here two, three times a week. Yeah -- breakfast, dinner, whenever I have the time.

LORELAI

Oh, my God, Luke has a 'Luke's'.

LUKE

Yeah, well, y'know. I've known Maisy and Bud my whole life. Maisy went to school with my mother.

LORELAI

Really?

LUKE

Yeah. And then later on when my dad died and I wanted to turn the hardware store into a diner, you know, Buddy really helped me out.

LORELAI

That's so nice.

LUKE

He's a good guy. He really showed me how to run a restaurant, how to order -- everything, basically. I mean, I couldn't have done it without him.

LORELAI

I love this place.

LUKE

It's a great place -- very old.

LORELAI

How long have they owned it?

LUKE

Actually, the story of that is on the back of the menu.

LORELAI

Oh, cool. [flips over the menu and clears throat] Oh, look -- "Sniffy's Tavern: A story of love." Oh, a story of love. "Maisy Fortner and Bertram 'Buddy' Linds met at a high-school basketball game. She was playing, he was not. They fell in love, got married. Buddy went to work at a dairy, and Maisy worked at the school, but they dreamed to someday own a restaurant so that all of their friends and family could come and eat and visit and laugh with them every single day."

LUKE

Buddy hated working at that dairy.

LORELAI

[continues to read] "One day Sniffy, their beloved dog, ran away. Maisy and Buddy searched high and low for him. Finally they stumbled past a dilapidated old tavern that had been boarded up for years. They heard a dog howling. They forced open the door, and there was Sniffy, stuck underneath a fallen beam. Maisy and Buddy pulled Sniffy free and rushed him to the vet, where he immediately went into emergency surgery." Oh my God, did Paul Thomas Anderson write this? Edit, people.

LUKE

You don't have to read the whole thing. There's not gonna be a quiz.

LORELAI

I'm almost done. [continues reading] "Four hours later... Sniffy was dead." Sniffy was dead?! Are you serious? Where's the happy ending?

LUKE

Well, that's what happened.

LORELAI

Well, people don't read the back of the menu to find out what really happened. They read the back of the menu to be happy, to be uplifted. That's why they read the back of the menu.

LUKE

Not that many people read the back of the menu.

LORELAI

[to waitress] Did you know about the whole Sniffy thing? [she nods]

LUKE

If it makes you feel better, Sniffy was 150,000 years old.

LORELAI

[feigns a pout] You're lying.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LUKE

Hey, here's to you.

LORELAI

I'll drink to that. [they both sip]

LUKE

Yep, I definitely hate champagne.

LORELAI

This is nice.

LUKE

Good.

LORELAI

Hey, do you remember the first time we met?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

I'm just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?

LUKE

[nods] It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day, the place was packed, and this person -

LORELAI

[gasps] Ooh, is it me? Is it me?

LUKE

This person comes tearing into the place in a caffeine frenzy.

LORELAI

[gleeful] Ooh, it's me.

LUKE

I was with a customer. She interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee, so I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. So finally I turn to her, and I tell her she's being annoying -- sit down, shut up, I'll get to her when I get to her.

LORELAI

Y'know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful.

LUKE

She asked me what my birthday was. I wouldn't tell her. She wouldn't stop talking. I gave in. I told her my birthday. Then she opened up the newspaper to the horoscope page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me.

LORELAI

[dryly] God, seriously. You wrote the menu, didn't you?

LUKE

So I'm looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under "Scorpio," she had written, "you will meet an annoying woman today. Give her coffee and she'll go away." I gave her coffee.

LORELAI

[grinning] But she didn't go away.

LUKE

She told me to hold on to that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and carry it around with me - [pulls a small scrap of paper from his wallet and holds it out to Lorelai] one day it would bring me luck.

LORELAI

[teasing] Well, man, I will say anything for a cup of coffee [unfolds the scrap and reads it with new remembrance] Um...I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet? [sees his serious expression] You kept this in your wallet.

LUKE

Eight years.

LORELAI

[touched] Eight years.

LUKE

Lorelai, this thing we're doing here -- me, you -- I just want you to know I'm in. I am all in. [carefully watches her reaction] Does that, uh -- are you, uh, scared?

LORELAI

I can't believe you kept that horoscope.

LUKE

You're just lucky I never clean out my wallet.

LORELAI

You can't take it back now. You've exposed yourself. You've been pining for me.

LUKE

[ Chuckles ] I have not been pining.

LORELAI

I'm your Ava Gardner.

LUKE

God help me. [ Sighs ] Okay. Let's get something out of the way right now. [reaches over to the nightstand and picks up a pad of paper and pencil]

LORELAI

What? What are you doing?

LUKE

Tell me what CD's to get so I don't have to hear about it.

LORELAI

Seriously?

LUKE

And skip any '80s groups where the guys dressed up like pirates. I draw the line at pirates.

LORELAI

[kisses his shoulder] This has been a really great first date.

LUKE

It only took us eight years to get here.

LUKE

Okay. So, U2, right?

LORELAI

Yeah, Bono is a must, and Blondie and, um, ooh - Sparks, especially the new one, plus Bowie.

LUKE

Okay, I know he dressed up like a pirate.

LORELAI

Space man.

LUKE

Space man I can deal with.

LORELAI

Mmm.

LUKE

Sorry. I forgot to turn the alarm off.

LORELAI

Bad alarm. Bad, bad alarm.

LORELAI

[groggy] What time is it?

LUKE

Early.

LORELAI

Hate early. Must kill early.

LORELAI

Okay. I gotta get up.

LUKE

Why?

LORELAI

Work. Inn. Buy shoes. Oh, my God, I can't move. I need coffee.

LUKE

I don't have coffee up here. It's all downstairs.

LORELAI

[whimpers] Downstairs. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. [kisses his chest before slipping out of bed and donning Luke's plaid shirt]

LUKE

[remains in bed with eyes closed, half-asleep] Where are you going?

LORELAI

Well, I think people are gonna know.

LUKE

[startled] What? What are you talking about? [fully awake now] Why are you wearing my shirt?

LORELAI

I put it on to go get coffee.

LUKE

Downstairs?

LORELAI

Well, you don't keep it upstairs.

LUKE

The diner's open.

LORELAI

You're kidding!

LUKE

You walked into the diner like that?

LORELAI

I didn't think the diner could open without you.

LUKE

I had Caesar open.

LORELAI

Well, he did, with a floor show.

LUKE

Okay, so, maybe nobody noticed.

LORELAI

Look at me!

LUKE

Okay, yes. Well, but you wear crazy outfits all the time.

LORELAI

They usually include pants.

LUKE

Okay, so they know. So what? I mean, they're gonna find out eventually, right?

LORELAI

Right. So, we'll hear about it for a few days.

LUKE

Few weeks.

LORELAI

Six months of hearing about it, but then it'll die down.

LUKE

We'll be used to it.

LORELAI

And everything will get back to normal, so, okay, well, they know. It's out.

LUKE

It's out. [Lorelai chuckles] Where's your coffee?

LORELAI

[indicates her clothes - err, lack of] Mm-hmm.

LUKE

[without hesitation] I'M getting your coffee.

PARIS

I need more candles.

RORY

Check my trunk. I think my mom put some in there. [watches Paris stack hardcover books] That's a lot of books you got there.

PARIS

The very fact that the bookstore had any in stock shows the sad nature of American reading habits.

RORY

Do you need some help with those?

PARIS

I got this, but here -- you can put these up.

RORY

You made flyers.

PARIS

Anyone who wants to pay tribute to this great man deserves the opportunity.

RORY

I'm on it. [she exits to dorm hallway with handful of flyers]

COLIN

Okay, Quinn, last building. Please say it looks familiar.

QUINN

[eagerly looking around] Ahh, uh...

LOGAN

Apparently it doesn't look familiar.

QUINN

No, hold on. Hold on. Yes. Here. [walks around a corner] This is where she lives.

RORY

Excuse me. Can I help you?

LOGAN

No thanks. [follows the other two boys]

RORY

Hey.

COLIN

Don't put your number. Don't put your number!

QUINN

I'm not putting my number, I'm putting your number. [indicates Logan]

RORY

[confused] That's my room.

LOGAN

Okay, put my number.

QUINN

Are you sure this is your room?

RORY

I'm sure.

QUINN

I could have sworn it was her room.

RORY

What's her name? Maybe I know her.

QUINN

Uh, it was short.

RORY

[dryly] I can understand your disappointment, losing a potential soul mate like that, but that is my room.

LOGAN

I'm sorry about the mix-up. My friend here means no harm. He just has to learn that Guinness and blondes - they don't mix.

QUINN

Redheads!

LOGAN

We sincerely apologize, and we will now leave you to finish putting up your poster of... this really old guy. [looks closer at the papers in Rory's hands]

RORY

Professor Asher Fleming.

LOGAN

What, they were out of Orlando Bloom?

RORY

Professor Fleming died last week. We're throwing him a wake.

LOGAN

Okay, so were you and Fleming - [pauses for effect]

RORY

No!

LOGAN

Sorry. Just you're putting a poster of him up in your hallway. You can see where I get the impression he's a little bit more than a teacher.

RORY

Well, he was more than a teacher. He was a great writer and an inspiration in many other things that you couldn't possibly understand.

LOGAN

[surprised] You don't like me. You don't know me, but you don't like me.

RORY

[darkly] I know you.

LOGAN

You do?

RORY

We met yesterday. With Marty.

LOGAN

Marty?

RORY

[slightly annoyed] Marty -- my friend Marty. He bartended for you.

LOGAN

Yes, Marty. I'm sorry. It slipped my mind. Of course I met you yesterday with Marty. Nice to see you again...

RORY

[exasperated] Rory!

LOGAN

Nice to see you again, Rory. You're looking well. Angry works for you.

RORY

I'm not angry, I'm just irritated.

LOGAN

By me?

RORY

Yes.

LOGAN

Because I forgot for a moment who you were?

RORY

No, because you speak to people as if they're below you.

LOGAN

People?

RORY

Marty.

LOGAN

Ah, your friend Marty?

RORY

Yes, my friend, Marty. You talked to him like he was dirt, and that's why I'm looking at you like this.

LOGAN

I'm sorry. What did I say that was so bad? I said hello and I think I said he made a kick-ass margarita

RORY

It's not what you said, it's how you said it.

LOGAN

How'd I say it?

RORY

Like Judi Dench.

LOGAN

Ouch.

RORY

Just because somebody doesn't have money or a fancy family doesn't mean they're inferior to you.

LOGAN

I agree.

RORY

And just because somebody is a bartender at a party for you and your friends, that doesn't mean that you can talk to them like a servant. [turns to leave]

LOGAN

Well...

RORY

What?!

LOGAN

I hired him. I paid him. He served. That's what a servant does.

RORY

[incredulous] Are you serious?

LOGAN

For the sake of argument.

RORY

He was doing a job.

LOGAN

A job he took willingly.

RORY

Some people have to work.

LOGAN

And I bet if you ask him he'll tell you he made excellent tips that night. Because my friends - they tend to enjoy their re-fills.

RORY

Not the point.

LOGAN

To a bartender, tips are very much the point.

RORY

Just because you pay somebody, it doesn't mean that you can speak to them as if they're beneath you.

LOGAN

Actually, the fact that this is a free country means I can speak to anyone in any manner which I choose. However, the rules of a civilized society may frown upon a certain obvious show of snobbery, so if that's your argument --

RORY

I don't have an argument.

LOGAN

I can give you a moment to formulate one if you want to continue.

RORY

I'm busy!

LOGAN

You concede.

RORY

I don't like it when people hurt my friends.

LOGAN

And you react when goaded.

RORY

I am not goaded. I am so far from goaded. Get out your compass, and I will show you how far from goaded I am.

LOGAN

I think we got a serious debater in our midst.

QUINN

Logan, I think we've found it.

LOGAN

Tell Marty I said hi, and I promise to remember you instantly next time. [no reaction from Rory. He gives her a winning smile] Now, tell me that wasn't fun? [ Sighs as he moves toward the stairs] Master and Commander.

RORY

[confused] The movie?

LOGAN

No, that's what I want you to call me from now on. [climbs stairs]

RORY

Ugh.

PARIS

[sadly] I just wanted to smell like him again.

MRS. CASINI

You didn't! You didn't.

LORELAI

Morning, ladies. [cringes waiting for reaction]

BABETTE

Oh, morning, Sugar.

MRS. CASINI

Samson and Delilah Sapperstein got back together.

BABETTE

I'm not surprised. Those two belong together.

MISS PATTY

Well, its nice that they made up. That means they're bound to have one of their fabulous fights very soon, which we need because things are slow around here.

BABETTE

I hear that.

MRS. CASINI

They're lowering the free-parking limit at the drugstore. [Lorelai looks around puzzled] You only get 20 minutes free with validation instead of 30.

BABETTE

Well, times, they are a-changin'.

LORELAI

Well, so, I'm gonna go. I got to get to work. [hesitates, waiting for reaction]

MISS PATTY

Bye, honey.

BABETTE

Give Rory a kiss for us.

LORELAI

I will. [long pause waiting. They stare blankly back] Okay.

BABETTE

Did you notice that one side of Rosella's butt implant deflated?

MISS PATTY

Well, if your doctor accepts a co-pay of... [fades]

LORELAI

Nobody knows. I swear.

LUKE'S VOICE

How do you know?

LORELAI

Well, I walked by "Hello! Magazine" this morning. They mentioned nothing.

LUKE

Well, maybe they're just trying to be, I don't know, respectful about it.

LORELAI

Babette? Miss Patty?

LUKE

Well, maybe they're trying not to embarrass you.

LORELAI

Babette? Miss Patty?

LUKE

Well, maybe -- I'm out.

LORELAI

Has anyone mentioned it to you?

LUKE

No, but, seriously, who's gonna mention it to me?

LORELAI

Babette? Miss Patty?

LUKE

No, it's been very quiet.

LORELAI

They have to know.

LUKE

Maybe they don't care.

LORELAI

That's kind of a bummer.

LUKE

Why?

LORELAI

I don't know. You at least want them to have some interest.

LUKE

Let's just look at it this way. It's out. We don't have to worry about it. We can just go on. Are we still on for tonight?

LORELAI

Liz Taylor and Richard Burton couldn't go outside without people noticing.

LUKE

Well, I'll get drunk, you gain 500 pounds, and we'll give it another go.

LORELAI

Pick me up at 7:00?

LUKE

I'll pick you up at 7:00.

LORELAI

Okay, bye.

EMILY

Madonna Louise!

MADONNA LOUISE

Can I get you some dessert, Mrs. Gilmore?

EMILY

No, thank you.

MADONNA LOUISE

Very good, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

And don't run the dishwasher. It's not full.

MADONNA LOUISE

I won't, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

I smelled something funny earlier in the northeast corner of the kitchen.

MADONNA LOUISE

I sprayed for ants this afternoon.

EMILY

Oh, Madonna Louise, I told you never spray that poison all over the place. You simply have to kill the scout ants so they don't go back and tell the rest of them where the food is.

MADONNA LOUISE

I know Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

You kill the scouts, or you use the chalk that we bought in Chinatown last month.

MADONNA LOUISE

Okay, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

Madonna Louise?

MADONNA LOUISE

Yes, Mrs. Gilmore?

EMILY

It was a lovely omelet.

MADONNA LOUISE

Thank you, Mrs. Gilmore. [exits]

LUKE

How did I get rooked into this?

LORELAI

Uh, I'm irresistible?

LUKE

Yeah. Well, have I mentioned I hate town meetings?

LORELAI

No. I thought you said you hate clown bleedings, which I totally agree with.

LUKE

Oh, no. Is tonight raffle night? I can't deal with raffle night.

LORELAI

No, it's not raffle night. Look, I promise we won't stay for the whole thing. It'll be like a stop by. We'll just run in and get the headlines so I have something to tell Rory, and then we're off to the movie.

LUKE

Do not get used to me going to these town things. Just because you like them does not mean that I will ever like them or tolerate them or go to them.

LORELAI

Hmm. Other than tonight?

LUKE

Yes, other than tonight.

LORELAI

And next Thursday.

LUKE

I did not say I would go next Thursday. [ Cellphone rings ] What the hell is next Thursday?

LORELAI

Hello?

EMILY'S VOICE

Lorelai? Oh, thank God I found you. [Lorelai curses silently and mouths the words "my mother" to Luke.]

LORELAI

Hi, Mom.

EMILY

The most bizarre thing has happened. At 7:30 at night, I had just finished my dinner. I was about to go upstairs and read, and I suddenly heard a car.

LORELAI

Uh-huh.

EMILY

I ran to the window just in time to see your father driving away. He was driving away at 7:30 at night.

LORELAI

Uh-huh.

EMILY

[exasperated] Lorelai!

LORELAI

Was he driving backwards or with his feet?

EMILY

Where was your father going at 7:30 at night?

LORELAI

Well, maybe he had a business meeting.

EMILY

At 7:30 at night? What, has he suddenly become a bootlegger?

LORELAI

Mom, I'm sorry. I'm about to go into a thing. Can we talk about this later? [Luke nods in agreement and pulls her closer by her jacket's corner]

EMILY

Oh, absolutely. Far be it for me to intrude on whatever vague event you're going to.

LORELAI

Great! Thanks, Mom. Bye. [click] Your fault.

LUKE

How was that my fault?

LORELAI

Because you preoccupied me with all your yammering about the meeting, so I wasn't thinking, and I didn't check to see who was calling before I answered. [grins] Boy, it's nice to finally have someone to blame.

ANDREW

And then looked, backed up -

GYPSY

No.

ANDREW

I did too back up.

GYPSY

You backed up. You didn't look. You got in, you turned on your car, and then you whipped out of that space like you were Lizzie Grubman.

LORELAI

Do we have timing or what?

ANDREW

I did not.

GYPSY

Andrew, you did too.

ANDREW

I distinctly remember looking in my mirror and seeing nothing.

GYPSY

Except me.

ANDREW

I didn't see you.

GYPSY

Liar

ANDREW

I am not a liar.

PARIS

Thank you for coming. Please feel free to take a book. [The boys shrug and enter the room - walking straight for the beverage table, where cups, wine bottles, beer pitchers stand atop stack of books. Marty approaches Rory]

MARTY

Hey.

RORY

Hi.

MARTY

Interesting crowd.

RORY

Yeah, most of the people have no idea they're at a wake. They think it's some weird theme party. I've spent the entire evening trying to get people to stop referring to Asher as "the old dead dude."

MARTY

Does Paris know?

RORY

Paris, thank goodness, is Paris. [Marty nods]

PARIS

Hi, Marty. Thank you for coming. Please help yourself to a book.

RORY

The wake seems to be going well.

PARIS

It is. [looking around] I'm very pleased with the turnout. I mean, I knew he was beloved, but this is overwhelming.

PARIS

You know, it's funny, but Asher died right at the height of my passion for him. I kind of wonder what would have happened if he had lived. Would I have stayed in love with him forever?

RORY

I don't know.

PARIS

He died before I could find out. Now I'll always be in love with him. He's my Mike Todd. [Rory consoles Paris with a hug]

LUKE

We're going to dinner after the movie.

LORELAI

I know.

TAYLOR

All those who think Andrew was in the wrong, arms raised. [several people raise their hands] All those who think that Gypsy was at fault, arms raised. [More hands raise] The majority rules. Gypsy is at fault for the fender bender outside the Stars Hollow Garden Center and shall be responsible for all said damages.

GYPSY

Ha! We have got to get a courthouse in this town! [sits down in a huff]

TAYLOR

All right, let's move on to the next order of business. Hmm. A very serious matter has been brought to our attention, and I would like to bring to the floor for discussion the possible negative ramifications of the inn owner and diner owner dating.

LORELAI

[ Gasps ] That's us.

LUKE

They're talking about us.

TAYLOR

Now, as you all know, the relationship we have feared for some time has emerged, and we need to carefully consider whether or not we can support this.

LORELAI

Oh, my God.

LUKE

We're sitting right here!

TAYLOR

Yes, we see you, Luke, and, as a member of the town, you are welcome to voice your opinion.

LUKE

Voice my --

TAYLOR

[gavel bang] I open the floor up for discussion. [crowd murmurs and numerous hands raise] All right. I'll start. Luke's Diner is a staple in this town. Most of us eat there on a regular basis. The Dragonfly Inn, though newer than Luke's Diner, has also become very important in our community. [Luke and Lorelai exchange looks of disbelief] The co-mingling of the owners of these two establishments can only set the stage for disaster.

LUKE

What the hell is he talking about?

LORELAI

Well he's not happy with our co-mingling.

TAYLOR

Think of the consequences. What will happen when the relationship goes sour, as, let's face it, most of Lorelai's relationships do?

LORELAI

Hey!

TAYLOR

We'll have to choose. Suddenly you'll either be a 'Luke' or a 'Lorelai', or, if you're Kirk and you can't make a decision to save your life, you'll be neither.

KIRK

He's probably right.

TAYLOR

That's bad for the economy, bad for the town. I vote against this.

LORELAI

Are they gonna make us break up?

BABETTE

I think you're over reacting, Taylor.

TAYLOR

People, do I have to remind you about Fay Wellington and Art Brush, huh? Do I? [murmurs in the crowd]

LORELAI

Uh, yeah.

BABETTE

Fay owned a flower shop, and Art owned a candy store, and they fell madly in love about 10 years ago -- big romance.

TAYLOR

And for a while, it all worked very synergistically. Flowers and candy seemed like a perfect match...

MISS PATTY

Until Art met Margie.

GYPSY

The fudge queen.

BABETTE

Ooh, that was bad.

TAYLOR

The whole town split right down the middle. Suddenly you could buy flowers or you could buy candy.

MISS PATTY

Valentine's Day was a nightmare.

KIRK

Par for the course for me.

TAYLOR

Eventually, the hostility forced Art to move.

BABETTE

Fay never married. She stopped making candy. It was very sad.

TAYLOR

And those storefronts were empty for a year. No one wanted to be there.

LORELAI

God, this sounds terrible. Maybe they have a point.

LUKE

No, they don't have a point.

LORELAI

Well, what if something happens?

LUKE

This is crazy. I don't believe that the breakup of Fay Wellington and Art Brush affected the economy of this town one bit.

TAYLOR

Well, lucky for you, I brought charts.

LUKE

You have charts concerning the romance of two people who used to live here 10 years ago?

KIRK

We think Fay still lives in the caves above the Clancys' Mill. We can't prove it, but every so often, we hear "Delta Dawn" playing over and over.

LORELAI

[quietly] Hello?

EMILY

Your father came home at 8:30. He went inside the poolhouse for five minutes, and he got back in his car, and he drove away again.

LORELAI

Mom, this is really not a good --

EMILY

Traipsing all over the place at all hours of the night.

LORELAI

Uh-huh. Mom, where are you? You sound very far away. [quietly walks outside]

EMILY

Park Road.

LORELAI

Park Road. Why?

EMILY

I'm not gonna be the one that sits at home alone in the dark like an Italian widow. If he can go out, then I can go out, so I went out.

LORELAI

Well, good for you.

EMILY

I figured I'd have dinner. I already had dinner. But if Richard's having two dinners, then I can have two dinners, so I went to a place I used to eat at when I was in college. And do you know what I found? It's a 'Lube-And-Tune' with an X-rated T-shirt store next door.

LORELAI

Mom, this is silly. Why don't you just go home?

EMILY

I'm not gonna be the first one back.

LORELAI

Well, how long are you gonna drive around?

EMILY

Until I'm sure your father came home. Let him worry about where I was all night.

LORELAI

Look, I can't talk right now.

EMILY

Well, I'm not done.

LORELAI

I'll call you later.

EMILY

I could be dead later.

LORELAI

Call one of your friends.

EMILY

No one knows about the separation except you and Rory.

LORELAI

Well, I'm sorry, Mom. I'm in the middle of something very important.

EMILY

Well, this is important, too. Meet me for a coffee.

LORELAI

Mom, I can't, and Rory just moved in, and she's at school getting settled, so if you really can't talk to one of your friends, I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to finish this later.

EMILY

Fine. [ Beep ]

BABETTE

I think that map's a little off. Luke would definitely take the Northwest block 'cause it's near the fishing hole.

LUKE

Okay, that's it. I've heard enough.

LUKE

This is my relationship -- mine, not yours, not yours, not yours, [looks at Lorelai] yours, but not yours. Mine and hers but not - (looking pointedly at Taylor) yours! There's not gonna be any more debating about whether or not it's a good idea if we're in a relationship, 'cause we're in a relationship.

LORELAI

Show them the horoscope!

TAYLOR

But in the event of a breakup -

LUKE

There's not going to be a breakup.

GYPSY

Well, isn't he the optimistic fellow?

LUKE

Fine. In case of a breakup, I'll move. I'll close up Luke's Diner, I'll go far, far away, and that way you won't have to choose, okay? Every section in town can be pink.

TAYLOR

Can we have your word on that?

LUKE

You can have my word and a couple of middle fingers on that, Taylor.

TAYLOR

Get that down. We have his word. Leave out the part about the fingers. All right, people, it seems that the issue of Gilmore and Danes vs. Stars Hollow has been resolved. [Lorelai grins and looks around proudly] See you all next week when everyone gets fingerprinted for the government. [gavel bangs] Meeting adjourned.

LORELAI

Wow!

LUKE

[nervous chuckle] Yeah. You still in?

LORELAI

You bet I am. [Then, a thought causes sudden panic] Oh, my God.

LUKE

[concerned] What? What's the matter?

RORY'S VOICE

Hello?

LORELAI

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

RORY

For what?

EMILY

Rory.

RORY

Grandma.

LORELAI'S VOICE

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

EMILY

[walks toward Rory looking around] What is going on here?

RORY

I have to hang up now.

LORELAI'S VOICE

Have I mentioned I'm sorry?

RORY

Bye. Well, this is a surprise.

EMILY

I simply had to get out of the house and your mother told me you were home, so I thought I'd come by and say hello. [looks around] Why are there pictures of Asher Fleming everywhere?

RORY

This is a wake for Professor Fleming. He died.

EMILY

[irritated] You'd think your grandfather could have mentioned that to me, but no. I bet he'll make me go to that insufferable man's funeral, though.

RORY

He was cremated.

EMILY

Oh, thank God.

PARIS

Emily! It means so much to me that you came.

EMILY

Well, yes. Asher was very devoted to his students. [Paris bursts into tears crying] Oh, now, there's no need to cry. Yale is full of excellent teachers. [They both sit and Emily comforts Paris. Marty approaches Rory with two plastic cups]

MARTY

Root beer?

RORY

[takes one] Yeah. Thanks, Marty, for everything. You've been such a huge help tonight.

MARTY

For you, anything. Hey, Rory?

RORY

Hmm?

MARTY

Do you -- I mean, how come you don't have a-a -- do you have a boyfriend?

RORY

What?

MARTY

I'm just curious. You don't mention anyone. There's no one here you seem to be with, so I was just wondering what the deal was.

RORY

I don't know.

MARTY

You -- okay. So, what exactly does that mean -- "I don't know"?

RORY

I don't know.

MARTY

Okay. I mean, 'cause that's usually the kind of thing you know.

RORY

I know.

MARTY

So you don't know. Okay.

RORY

Um, will you excuse me for a minute, Marty?

MARTY

Sure.

EMILY

And then he just takes off out of nowhere at 7:30 at night. [A young man hands Emily a beverage] Thank you, Thomas. I'll need a napkin.