T5E4: “Tippecanoe and Taylor, Too”

LUKE

Hey, you're up.

LORELAI

Hey, you're cooking.

LUKE

Yep, making the works. Even threw a couple blintzes in there to confuse you.

LORELAI

Wow. Where did all this come from?

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

The food, the pans, the bowls, the spatula.

LUKE

Food's from Doose's, pans and bowls, you had, and the spatula's mine.

LORELAI

You travel with a spatula? [pulls coffee mug out of nearby cabinet]

LUKE

Sometimes.

LORELAI

You've actually found yourself in scraping and flipping situations without the trusty spatula before?

LUKE

[Unfazed, he continues stirring food in the pan.] Your coffee should be ready in a minute.

LORELAI

[too bright smile] Smells good. Hey, Luke?

LUKE

Yep?

LORELAI

You cooking this is so sweet - .

LUKE

[steels himself and rolls his eyes] But?

LORELAI

I just figured, you know, we'd go to Luke's for breakfast.

LUKE

Why?

LORELAI

Because I like Luke's breakfast.

LUKE

I am Luke.

LORELAI

I know

LUKE

This is the same stuff I make at the diner.

LORELAI

I know.

LUKE

So what's the difference?

LORELAI

Well, the difference is, while you are Luke, we're not at Luke's.

LUKE

So?

LORELAI

Well, I have my things, you know? I have certain things. And one of my things is going to Luke's. And just because I now have "Dating Luke" doesn't mean I want to lose my "Cooking Luke."

LUKE

But I am cooking, and I am Luke.

LORELAI

Look, it's like Tommy Lee having a Starbucks at his house.

LUKE

[lost, but resumes cooking] What?

LORELAI

On the surface, it sounds great. But half the reason you go to a Starbucks is to go to a Starbucks, you know, to go out and see the people.

LUKE

Tommy Lee has a Starbucks in his house?

LORELAI

"Cribs," baby. Watch it.

LUKE

Like a whole Starbucks with workers and everything?

LORELAI

The point is that, while some things have changed -- and that's great -- I don't want everything to change completely.

LUKE

[resigned] Okay. I'll see you at Luke's.

LORELAI

Ah, I'll see you at Luke's!! [picks up phone] Hello?

RORY

"Cultural Disenfranchisement with Women's Role Models" -- do you have it?

LORELAI

Oh, God, I hope not.

RORY

It's the book for the class I'm officially late to.

LORELAI

Oh.

LUKE

What are you looking for?

LORELAI

A big, boring book.

RORY

Who is that?

LORELAI

It's Luke?

LUKE

Who's that?

LORELAI

It's Rory.

RORY

Luke. It's pretty early in the morning for Luke to be there. Unless, perhaps, he woke up there.

LORELAI

Well, he did.

LUKE

"He did" what? Are you talking about me?

RORY

Man, that's weird.

LORELAI

What's weird?

LUKE

Who's weird? I'm weird?

RORY

The thought of Luke running around naked in my kitchen. It's weird.

LORELAI

Luke is not running around naked in your kitchen. He is sitting at the table, and, yes, he is naked.

LUKE

[cringes] Don't do that. Don't tell her I'm naked. I'm not naked. [calls out] I'm not naked!

RORY

[teasing] He sounds naked.

LORELAI

Well, the chairs are cold.

RORY

Huh?

LORELAI

He actually tried to make me breakfast.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Yeah, naked.

LUKE

[drops what he's doing and starts to leave] Okay, that's it, I'm gone.

LORELAI

Oh, no, no, no. Sorry, don't, no. Rory, Luke is fully dressed. He never came in the house. He just stood outside all night playing "In Your Eyes" on a boom box.

RORY

I have to go. If you find the book, bring it to Friday-night dinner, okay? Go back to your dirtiness. [grabs her keys and exits]

PARIS

Thanks a lot. I photographed it before you moved it, so if there's any damage, you'll be hearing from my lawyer. [to Rory] Hi.

RORY

Hi. Introduce me to your friend.

PARIS

This is a Blou printing press, 18th century.

RORY

And it's here because?

PARIS

It's Asher's. He left it to me. It's beautiful, don't you think?

RORY

Yeah. Think it goes great with the entire width of the room.

PARIS

I know it's a little cumbersome, but we don't have to leave it right here. We could move it about six inches in any direction.

RORY

Paris, we can't just leave it here.

PARIS

I have nowhere else to put it.

RORY

But -

PARIS

You have to think of the benefits of having it here.

RORY

Like?

PARIS

No one else will have one, which means it's unique, which makes us unique. Kids our age do crazy things to make themselves unique -- piercings, blue hair, Kabbalah. It will be a great conversation piece. We'll be the talk of Branford.

RORY

I believe we will.

PARIS

We can print our own newsletter, if you'd like.

RORY

[dryly] "The Eccentric Gazette". I love it.

PARIS

It's from Asher. Just try it for a while. I promise if it gets in the way, we'll get rid of it.

RORY

Paris, it's on my book bag. I'm late for class, and you put a printing press on my book bag?

PARIS

Well, sorry. It's from my dead boyfriend, okay? I apologize if my grief is inconveniencing you. Maybe I'll just put myself on an iceberg and float myself out to sea so that no one will have to deal with my suffering.

RORY

Well, just get that thing off my bag before you go.

MICHEL

[speaking on cordless phone] This is outrageous, and he will call me back and it had better be in a timely manner, or I will come down there and introduce myself, and, oh, the fun we'll have. Tst! [clicks off the phone and tosses it on the nearby chair] I hate this chair!

LORELAI

What's the matter honey - Justin and Cameron having trouble again?

MICHEL

I just got off the phone with the very promising young man working as Taylor's assistant to try and talk to the man about this. [hold out official looking papers]

LORELAI

[approaches and take the papers] No, no. He rejected it again?

MICHEL

I believe that is what the bright red letters say.

LORELAI

We only need two lousy parking spaces. What is his problem?

MICHEL

Oh, the list is long.

LORELAI

This is the third time, Michel.

MICHEL

I know.

LORELAI

This is the third time that "Bus-and-Truck-Tour Mussolini" has rejected our permit.

MICHEL

[dejected] And I was there for every show.

LORELAI

What is rejection code "M"?

MICHEL

"Applicant's name does not match name listed on articles of incorporation."

LORELAI

Ohh! Is he serious?!

MICHEL

Apparently you did not put your middle name on this application. However, you did put your middle name on the articles of incorporation. So the names don't match, and Taylor has no idea who you are.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm the person whose foot is going to prevent him from sitting down. That's who I am.

MICHEL

You always promise to hurt him, but then you don't. You're a Taylor tease.

LORELAI

I'm getting coffee.

MICHEL

[grunts]

SOOKIE

Ah, perfect timing! [waves her over]

LORELAI

Oh, Sookie, I really need some coffee.

SOOKIE

First this.

LORELAI

But it's right over there, and -- okay, what am I looking at?

SOOKIE

Jackson's tomatoes.

JACKSON

[ceremoniously passes the cutting board for everyone to take a slice] Here we go.

SOOKIE

Mmm. [Lorelai tries to slip away] Where are you going?

LORELAI

I was just gonna get a little --

SOOKIE

[hands Lorelai a big slice] Eat this. [Lorelai sighs and hurriedly takes a big bite] Isn't that the greatest tomato you've ever eaten?

LORELAI

It's good.

JACKSON

Good?

LORELAI

It's great.

JACKSON

Great?

LORELAI

All I wanted was a cup of coffee.

JACKSON

This is the first batch grown in my brand-new hydroponic greenhouse.

SOOKIE

Jackson designed it himself.

JACKSON

Built most of it myself, too.

SOOKIE

You know what this means.

JACKSON

The best tomatoes on the East coast, and in October.

SOOKIE

Huh! October!

LORELAI

Heh - It sure ain't November.

JACKSON

This means year-round vegetables.

SOOKIE

I am never gonna be a slave to Mother Nature again. If I wanna make it...

JACKSON

Then I'm gonna grow it.

LORELAI

[looks at them both] Aw, you two really found each other, didn't you?

JACKSON

[sexy voice to Sookie] Do you want another piece of tomato?

SOOKIE

Do I?

JACKSON

[ Chuckling as he offers her another slice ]

SOOKIE

[ Giggles as she takes a bite ] Boys, leave us, please. [ Giggles ]

PARIS

Ben Franklin was out of his mind.

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

Hey. [they kiss as Paris glances over with curiosity] So, come on in. Dean, you remember Paris.

DEAN

Yes, I do. Uh, how you doing, Paris?

PARIS

I'm fine.

DEAN

What's that?

RORY

Uh, that's a printing press. Haven't you heard? Tats are out, movable type is in.

DEAN

I've heard that.

RORY

So, my room's in there.

DEAN

Nice to see you again, Paris.

PARIS

Right back at you.

PARIS

You're back with Farmer Boy? What gives?

RORY

Paris --

PARIS

I thought he was married.

RORY

He was -- now he's not.

PARIS

Well, well -- Hoss returns. Who would've thunk?

RORY

I'm going in my room now.

PARIS

Just hold on. We have to figure this out.

RORY

Figure what out?

PARIS

You're going to be bringing boys home now. We need a system.

RORY

I'm not bringing "boys" home. I'm bringing "boy" home. That boy - that's it.

PARIS

I assume you're having sex.

RORY

[uncomfortable] Paris!

PARIS

You're having sex. Well, luckily, I just bought some noise-reducing headphones, so that'll help.

RORY

Oh boy.

PARIS

If I put the headphones on, then stuff towels under the door, that should do the trick.

RORY

Hey, if you've got extra towels to stuff, I got a location suggestion.

PARIS

How loud are you?

RORY

Paris, stop.

PARIS

Look, I don't care. I just need the information to formulate a good plan. I mean, you look all small and squeaky, but sometimes, it's exactly the bunny-looking girls who can blow the roof off the barn. I know, just give me a three-minute warning.

RORY

I'm walking away now.

PARIS

That way, I have time to put everything in place. Put headphones on, et cetera.

RORY

Bye [backs away]

PARIS

Is he gonna be coming over a lot? Probably, right? He's at his peak now, and it's probably one of the only things he's good at so...

RORY

Three-minute warning!

PARIS

Right. [quickly exits]

LANE

Bread.

BRIAN

That's $1.10, so we're at $17.33.

ZACH

And jam.

LANE

Generic.

ZACH

Yes, Mom.

BRIAN

$1.40, so we're at $18.73.

ZACH

Yo, John Nash, enough with the numbers.

BRIAN

I'm just keeping track so we don't go over.

ZACH

It's too much pressure. I can't think.

BRIAN

If we use coupons, it would stretch our money.

ZACH

Dude, the only thing more un-rock 'n' roll than coupons is that shirt you're wearing.

BRIAN

I've asked you about this shirt. You never said anything.

ZACH

We're not using coupons.

LANE

Get enough brewskis there, buddy?

ZACH

Don't worry, I'm using my own money for this.

LANE

Okay, just...

ZACH

Just what?

LANE

I'm not sure why you need all that beer, that's all.

ZACH

We've got gigs coming up, and I've kinda learned through experience that if you say to people, "Hey, wanna come back for some beers?" And you don't have beer, they get pissed and leave.

LANE

People?

ZACH

Right.

LANE

Meaning "girls."

ZACH

I would prefer it be girls.

LANE

[sarcasm] Good. Well then, stock up, then, Hef. Get some extra for Jimmy Caan.

JACKSON

Hey, guys. How you doing?

LANE

[irritated] Great. Hope you're not here for beer. I think we're buying it all up.

JACKSON

I'm just here for diapers. [exits]

LANE

[to Zach] Any of your girlfriends need diapers?

ZACH

What is your problem? [exits with the cart]

LANE

Problem? No problem. [Still irritated, she opens the case again and grabs carton and follows.] Milk.

BRIAN

Lane, that was a real brand. [follows]

TAYLOR

That makes $27, $28, $29, $30, and $10 makes $40. And here -- here, take a balloon for the little miss. Election's on Tuesday. [Man and child exit with the balloon] Morning, Maggie. How's the family?

MAGGIE

A pain in my rear. Don't say I said that.

TAYLOR

Morning, Jackson. [as he continues to unload and ring up woman's groceries]

JACKSON

Hi, Taylor.

MAGGIE

Hey, are these the best you got?

TAYLOR

Unfortunately, October's a terrible time for tomatoes.

MAGGIE

I guess I could always go with canned. I hate canned.

JACKSON

Hey, if you're needing more, Taylor, I got a nice crop of tomatoes. We could work something out.

TAYLOR

Well, that's nice of you to offer. You're growing them in that big new greenhouse, right?

JACKSON

[proudly] Built it with my own two hands.

MAGGIE

That's very industrious.

TAYLOR

Too bad about what's happening with all that.

JACKSON

Yeah... err, What?

TAYLOR

Nice cukes, though.

MAGGIE

Beautiful cukes.

TAYLOR

I love cukes in a tricolore salad -- adds a nice crunch.

JACKSON

Uh, "too bad about all" what, Taylor?

TAYLOR

Oh, you know -- the greenhouse.

JACKSON

The greenhouse? What about the greenhouse?

MAGGIE

Wait -- aren't the cukes three for $1?

TAYLOR

They're two for $1.

MAGGIE

It said three.

TAYLOR

Barry, I need a price check on cucumbers.

JACKSON

Taylor?

TAYLOR

Jackson, please. This is not the proper forum to discuss the problem with your greenhouse.

JACKSON

What problem?!

TAYLOR

Barry, if you hear me, yell "10-4."

JACKSON

I'll check the price on the stupid cucumbers! Just tell me what's up with the greenhouse!

TAYLOR

Jackson, this is my place of business. The unpleasantness with your structure will all be settled at the next town meeting. I'm not hearing a "10-4," Barry.

JACKSON

I can't go to the town meeting. I'm watching the baby.

TAYLOR

Oh, I'd get a babysitter if I was you.

BARRY

[OS]10-4.

JACKSON

You were out smoking again, weren't you, Barry?

BARRY

[OS] No.

JACKSON

Don't lie. I'll smell your breath.

BARRY

[OS] 10-4.

JACKSON

I don't like the tone of that "10-4." [Frustrated, Jackson leaves without the diapers]

LANE

I usually like grocery shopping. This stripped it of all enjoyment.

RORY

I thought you hated grocery shopping with the guys. You always bicker.

LANE

But that's fun bickering. That's bickering we'll look back on in 20 years, slap each other on the backs and say, "wha-ho, good times."

RORY

So you'll be Dickens characters in 20 years?

LANE

You know what I mean. I know -- I have no right to be bothered by Zach luring women back to the apartment with cheap beer, because I haven't told him I like him. I mean, if I had told him I like him and he was doing that, he'd be a creep of the first order. As it is, he's just exhibiting basic guy behavior -- grunt, grunt, caveman stuff, which, to be honest, is a bit of the appeal of Zach.

RORY

So why don't you tell him?

LANE

There's a danger here.

RORY

The roommate thing.

LANE

The band thing. Need I mention the rock 'n' roll casualties from intraband dating?

RORY

I know they're numerous.

LANE

Not that there's not success stories. I mean, you've got your Cramps, your Yo La Tengo, your Kim and Thurstons.

RORY

Sonny and Cher, the Early Years.

LANE

Plus, you've got bands that have survived breakups - No Doubt.

RORY

Wish they hadn't.

LANE

X, Supertramp, The White Stripes. But in the negative, you have -

RORY

Sonny and Cher, the Later Years.

LANE

Jefferson Airplane, Fleetwood Mac. I know of two country music stars whose backup singers shot them in the groin.

RORY

Whoa. That's wicked hate.

PARIS

My batteries are dead.

RORY

Hold on, Lane. [to Paris] Your batteries?

PARIS

For my headphones. When's Dean getting here?

RORY

Calm down Paris. We're just gonna watch a movie, and you're welcome to join us.

PARIS

Please. You're 19. Unless it's "Shoah," you two are getting carnal. [storms off]

RORY

[to Lane on the phone] Sorry. You were saying?

LANE

You've got the data. Now I need insight.

RORY

I think you should just tell him. This is not going away, so find the right moment, and see what he says. Don't mention that intraband dating stuff. Just follow your heart.

LANE

Heart. Ho, the girls in Heart really screwed things up big-time.

RORY

Hang on. [click] Hello?

DEAN

Hey, it's me.

RORY

Oh, hey. You about on your way?

DEAN

Unfortunately, no. I have no way to get there.

RORY

Oh, what happened to your car?

DEAN

Uh, nothing. It's just, um... Lindsay needed it.

RORY

Oh, right.

DEAN

I don't know what for. She just needed it for some reason, and we're still kind of sharing it.

RORY

Right. Drag.

DEAN

I'll look to see if there's a bus or something.

RORY

That could take hours.

DEAN

Yeah. You want to come here?

RORY

To Stars Hollow? How?

DEAN

Drive. You got your car.

RORY

Oh, yeah, I do. Yeah, no, of course. Um, I have a car, and I'll drive to you.

DEAN

Good. I mean, if you want to.

RORY

Definitely. Yeah, and now Paris doesn't have to go get batteries.

DEAN

What?

RORY

Nothing. I'll see you in about an hour?

DEAN

My place?

RORY

See you there.

DEAN

Bye.

RORY

[clicks call waiting back to Lane] Sorry.

LANE

That's okay. Listen, I'm going to play two Rilo Kiley songs -- one pre-Jenny/Blake breakup, one post. Tell me if you hear a quality difference. [Hold up her phone to the boom box speaker]

TAYLOR

The ferocity of attack is not affected by whether they're in the larval or nymphal life stage or whether they're of the one-, two-, or three-host variety.

MISS PATTY

Oh, I hate this, Taylor. Every year.

BABETTE

Yeah, we get it -- ticks are bad.

TAYLOR

Maybe people who are new to our town -- thus, new to the town meeting -- don't know the hazards of the common tick.

GYPSY

[stands] Ticks are bad! Moving on! [sits]

TAYLOR

Don't hate the tick messenger. Hate the tick. Now, to continue...

LORELAI

He's ruined the word "nymphal" for me forever.

JACKSON

4 bucks an hour to a babysitter for a tick lecture?

SOOKIE

Don't worry, honey. He'll get to us.

JACKSON

[under his breath] Waste of time.

TAYLOR

That's when a tick clamps onto his host, plunges his hypostome into the skin, and feasts on his next blood meal.

MISS PATTY

You take too much delight in this, Taylor.

KIRK

[riveted] Go on, Taylor. He's sucking out the blood...

TAYLOR

They feed for extensive periods, and at large volumes, up to 500 times their body weight. This would be the equivalent of a 150-pound man drinking 9,000 gallons of human blood.

BABETTE

Taylor, please! We get it!

MISS PATTY

Let's just vote on whatever it is you want us to vote on.

ANDREW

Before I hurl.

JACKSON

Yeah!

TAYLOR

Fine. The question before us is, shall the town incur the expense of posting signs urging residents to tuck their pants into their socks during tick season? In favor? [three people raise their hands] Opposed? [the remaining room raises their hands] The measure is defeated by an irresponsible, devil-may-care majority. Now we move on to the next item -- the matter of the town Stars Hollow vs. Land parcel 11423-A. Is the parcel holder present?

JACKSON

[stands] If that's me, I'm here.

TAYLOR

The parcel holder is present. Now, said parcel is cited as being in violation of section 423, subsection 4c, subsection 32-b, formerly known as section 424, subsection --

JACKSON

Enough!

LORELAI

Yeah, this is more painful than ticks!

TAYLOR

So, the parcel holder requests the reading of the citation be waived?

JACKSON

Waive it. Waive it. Just tell me what the hell is wrong with my greenhouse.

TAYLOR

It's built too close to the edge of your property.

JACKSON

It's miles away from the edge of my property.

TAYLOR

It's 9 1/2 feet from the edge of your property.

JACKSON

Exactly.

TAYLOR

According to town codes, no new structure can come within 10 feet of the edge of your property.

JACKSON

[scoffs] Oh, that's a technicality.

TAYLOR

No, that's the law. And as town selectman, it's up to me to see that you abide by it.

JACKSON

Unbelievable!

TAYLOR

There's a simple solution, if you want to hear it.

JACKSON

I do, yes.

TAYLOR

Just move it over six inches.

JACKSON

Oh, well, you should have just said that before.

TAYLOR

Perhaps I should have.

JACKSON

Just move the greenhouse over six inches?

TAYLOR

That's right

JACKSON

Good thing I built it on wheels so I could just scooch it over.

TAYLOR

Oh, it's on wheels?

JACKSON

No, it's not on wheels!

TAYLOR

Because wheels would have been handy.

JACKSON

I would have to tear it down to move it over six inches, Taylor!

TAYLOR

Hmmm. Too bad you didn't check with me before you built it. Could have saved you some heartache.

JACKSON

[sputtering] Up -- ah -- ah --

SOOKIE

Okay, that's not English, hon.

LORELAI

Come on, Taylor. This is ridiculous.

TAYLOR

This issue is not open for debate.

LORELAI

This is a nice man who is growing some very nice tomatoes, and you just need to oil your knees and go see the wizard and get a heart and drop this!

TAYLOR

What is this, Lorelai -- lingering resentment over the parking space issue?

LORELAI

Well come on, you rejected it because I left out my middle name. How many other Lorelai Gilmores do you know?

TAYLOR

Well, there's your daughter.

LORELAI

Okay. So you know two. Bet you can't name a third, unless you knew my grandma.

TAYLOR

I think it's about time to adjourn this meeting.

JACKSON

Oh, we're not done with this, Taylor!

TAYLOR

I think we are.

JACKSON

Don't bang that gavel!

TAYLOR

Your issue is not with me. I am merely the humble vessel for the municipal code.

JACKSON

Maybe it's time for a different vessel.

LORELAI

Where's he going with this?

SOOKIE

Not sure.

TAYLOR

A different vessel?

JACKSON

That's right. A different vessel. I'm running.

TAYLOR

For what?

JACKSON

For whatever it is you are. What are you again?

TAYLOR

Town Selectman.

JACKSON

I'm running for town selectman.

MISS PATTY

Nobody ever runs against Taylor.

GYPSY

He's our Papa Doc.

SOOKIE

Hon, shouldn't we maybe talk about this?

TAYLOR

Well, I accept the challenge. And I look forward to a lively race. Competition is the whetstone that sharpens the blade of democracy. Meeting adjourned.

LORELAI

Whatever you need, friend, I'm with you.

JACKSON

I need your vote.

LORLELAI

You got it.

JACKSON

Jackson Belleville, running for selectman. I need your vote. [turns and shakes hands with Andrew] Jackson Belleville -- that's with four "L's".

ANDREW

I know. We went to high school together.

JACKSON

I still need your vote!

LORELAI

We're gonna need buttons and balloons and a slogan. How about something like -- I don't know -- "Taylor sucks like a tick"? [Sookie cringes] Don't worry. First blurb. We'll work it out.

RORY

Hey.

DEAN

Wow. You made good time.

RORY

No traffic.

DEAN

Come on in.

RORY

Your mom got a new plant.

DEAN

Yeah.

CLARA

Rory! [leaps to her feet and hugs Rory]

RORY

Oh, hi, Clara.

CLARA

I'm so glad you're back. I never liked Lindsay.

DEAN

Clara!

CLARA

I wouldn't say that to Lindsay.

DEAN

[shoos his sister] Go.

MAY

Dean! Was someone at the door? Rory!

RORY

Oh, hi, May. How you doing?

MAY

[forced politeness] Oh, fine. Can't complain.

RORY

Good.

MAY

[stiffly] Dean's father's in the basement. He says hello.

RORY

Oh, hello back. [uncomfortable pause] I like the...ficus.

MAY

Thank you. We're done with dinner. But if you're hungry, I could scrounge up something to zap.

RORY

I'm fine, thank you.

DEAN

We're gonna go upstairs.

MAY

All right.

RORY

Bye.

MAY

Bye.

RORY

It's your old room.

DEAN

In all its glory.

RORY

[teasing] Taking up dressmaking?

DEAN

[teases back]Yeah, I am.

RORY

[plays with a toy car] Vroom.

DEAN

I thought they'd gotten rid of all that stuff by now.

CLARA

[OS] What?!

DEAN

It's too loud.

CLARA

No, it isn't.

DEAN

Turn it down or I'm gonna come over and do it myself.

RORY

You should really get her some Ramones.

DEAN

Hey, um... I'm sorry about my mom. This whole thing's been kind of a surprise to my parents. I mean, Dad's hardly left the basement.

RORY

That's okay. It's gonna take time for everybody.

CLARA

[OS] What?!

DEAN

Turn it back down! [Volume decreases. Dean chuckles.] The college student and the divorcée.

RORY

We'd make a good adult film.

MAY

[OS through closed door] Dean?

DEAN

[calls back] What, Mom?

MAY

[OS] Just wondering how late Rory's gonna be here.

DEAN

I - uh, don't know exactly.

MAY

Because I want to set the alarm before Dad and I go to bed. If the front door opens, it'll set it off.

DEAN

Uh, I'll turn it on when she leaves, Mom.

MAY

Okay. It's just that that will make the alarm panel in the bedroom chirp. That wakes us.

DEAN

Well, Clara's stereo is gonna keep you awake anyways, Mom.

CLARA

[OS] I turned it down.

MAY

Just as long as Rory doesn't stay too late, okay, Dean?

DEAN

Okay, Mom.

MAY

Okay. [after a pause, Dean's door opens a few inches and we hear footsteps fade away]

DEAN

[ Scoffs ] We could go to a movie.

RORY

I'd love that, but it's, like, 8:30 already. I have classes.

DEAN

Right. And you're not hungry?

RORY

Not really.

DEAN

Want to watch TV?

RORY

Sure.

DEAN

[ Sighs ] It takes a few minutes to warm up.

RORY

Oh, no problem.

SOOKIE

So good to meet you. And see you at the polls! [pauses at another table] Hey, aren't you two handy with a knife and fork. [ Squeals to the parents while handing out buttons] Cute kids. Yeah! There you go. Hi. Good morning. Go, Jackson. [she joins Lorelai at a decorated dining table. Lorelai is talking on her cell phone.]

LORELAI

Well, when it comes to noise pollution, Jackson Belleville hears you loud and clear. That's right. Thank you so much for your time, and we'll see you at the polls. [clicks off the phone] Okay, I think I can make it through the G's before my phone gives out.

SOOKIE

[holds up her phone] I got mine right here.

LORELAI

Great.

KIRK

Ladies, I offer myself up to you and your cause.

LORELAI

What's this?

KIRK

I took it upon myself to poll the town, and I think you're gonna be pretty happy with the results. SOOKIE: We are?

KIRK

Jackson is solidly in the lead.

LORELAI

Already? We just started bugging people.

KIRK

Well, I modeled my poll after the Gallup poll. The Gallup poll uses a sample of 1,005 voters to represent the 280 million people of the United States. Using that logic, the correct sampling size of the town of Stars Hollow would be 0.002. Rounding that up means one person needs to be polled, so I picked me.

LORELAI

You polled yourself?

KIRK

I was right there. Seemed like a perfect opportunity.

LORELAI

Okay. Well, first of all, thank you for dressing up to talk to yourself. And secondly, I think you're gonna need to poll more people to get a better sense of where we really are.

KIRK

Oh. Okay, I'll see what I can do.

LORELAI

Thanks, Kirk. [Kirk exit the diner] You did notice that the back of his pants are shorter than the front?

SOOKIE

How does that happen?

LORELAI

That's Kirk.

SOOKIE

It certainly is.

LUKE

[dryly] Hey, excuse me, but my customers aren't getting in the way of your thing here, are they?

LORELAI

[considers] Uh, no, they're fine.

LUKE

Good. 'Cause I can kick them out or close down for you, if you like.

LORELAI

[brightly] That's sweet, but we're good.

LUKE

So you'll tell me if my business is in your way?

LORELAI

You'll be the first to know. [Lane walks by carrying plates of food] Ooh, Lane. Great. Do you think your band could play at Jackson's rally next week? It's not a lot of cash, but it's a little something and it's primetime placement.

LANE

[grins] Absolutely.

LORELAI

Great. Jackson picked a song, so I'll get info that to you.

LANE

Cool. Thanks. [walks off]

LUKE

Okay, maybe you were missing my subtle sarcasm there when I mentioned my customers being in your way?

LORELAI

[continues to smile brightly] Oh, no. I didn't miss it at all.

LUKE

Get your war room outta here.

LORELAI

Hey, this is for a good cause. Taylor bugs you, too.

LUKE

Yes, he bugs me.

LORELAI

Okay then. We're trying to get rid of your little annoyance.

LUKE

By becoming my new little annoyance?

LORELAI

Oh, hey, the night of the rally, we're gonna need a sort of backstage gathering area.

LUKE

You cannot gather here.

LORELAI

But it's right across from the --

LUKE

[firmly] You cannot gather here.

LORELAI

See, the stage is right over -

LUKE

[very firmly] You cannot gather here.

LORELAI

Do you like my hair like this?

LUKE

[without skipping a beat] Yes, and you cannot gather here.

LORELAI

Wow. Sleeping with you is getting me nothing. [forms a "zero" with her fingers for emphasis]

LUKE

Just gather your crap up, get it out. I need the tables. [walks off]

JACKSON

Quick, give me the baby. [picks up Davey from the stroller and walks out grunting] Ooh. Oh ho ho.

LORELAI

Is he gonna sell it?

SOOKIE

Oh. That's it, Davey. Work it, work it. Do the clapping, do the clapping.

LORELAI

Hmm. Very "Manchurian Candidate" of you.

TAYLOR

Free ice cream. Come and get your free ice cream, compliments of Taylor Doose of "Taylor's Old-Fashioned Soda Shoppe And Candy Store". [chuckles as people eagerly enter his shop] No need to rush, folks. There's plenty of free, fresh, handmade ice cream for every single registered voter in Stars Hollow.

SOOKIE

How dirty.

LORELAI

I know. All he needed were some lying swift boat captains to complete the ambush.

SOOKIE

Now we're gonna lose.

LORELAI

No, no, now -- he may have the edge, but we've got the heart.

SOOKIE

Who the hell cares about heart?

LORELAI

[determinedly] We do, and people will. We just have to stay focused and do this one vote at a time. [picks up her phone and dials]

SOOKIE

Who are you calling? Ben Affleck?

LORELAI

Oh, hello, my favorite daughter.

RORY

What do you need?

LORELAI

I need you to come home.

RORY

Now?

LORELAI

No, Tuesday.

RORY

What's on Tuesday?

LORELAI

Well, it's the town selectman elections, and we're desperate. Lane's band is playing, and I'll give you a button.

RORY

I'll be there.

LORELAI

Really?

RORY

You know I'm a sucker for a good button.

LORELAI

Thanks, kid.

RORY

Tell Jackson I'm rooting for him.

LORELAI

I will. [hesitates] Um, so, how's school?

RORY

So far, so good.

LORELAI

And how's Paris?

RORY

Asher left her a 300-pound antique printing press, which she put in the common room.

LORELAI

So, same?

RORY

Exactly.

LORELAI

Great. Okay. And, um...how's Dean?

RORY

He's fine.

LORELAI

Okay, well, good.

RORY

Mom, I have to study. I'll see you Tuesday, okay?

LORELAI

Okay, see you Tuesday. [clicks off the phone] Okay, so Rory's coming back to vote. So counting her, you, me, Jackson, and Kirk, that's five.

SOOKIE

Why did you say "how's Dean?" like that?

LORELAI

Like that?

SOOKIE

[ Affected voice ] "How's Dean?"

LORELAI

I did say it like that, didn't I?

SOOKIE

Yep.

LORELAI

I don't know. I think I'm trying so hard to make Rory think I'm totally cool with the situation that I end up sounding totally freaked out by the situation.

SOOKIE

You're totally cool with the situation?

LORELAI

Well, I'm totally on my way to being totally cool with the situation.

JACKSON

Here. Take him. He's politically useless to me.

SOOKIE

Ooh.

RORY

Oow!

DEAN

Sorry.

RORY

Oh, that's okay.

DEAN

You sure?

RORY

Yeah. I'm good. Just, um... [they kiss passionately] wait.

DEAN

What?

RORY

My hair.

DEAN

[shifts] Okay. Is that --

RORY

yeah, yeah. That's good.

DEAN

[bumps his head in the cramped little car] Damn it.

RORY

Let's just shift here. [leans across him]

DEAN

What are you doing?

RORY

I'm just trying to get your seat back.

DEAN

Oh, I can do that.

RORY

Oh! See, good, okay. So I'll just get, like, up here, and then now --

DEAN

ow. Wait. Ow. Ow! [Rory returns to the drivers seat, defeated. Dean is breathing heavily.] This isn't working great.

RORY

Sorry. [ Chuckles and looks around uncomfortably]

DEAN

Yeah.

RORY

So... what do you want to do?

DEAN

I don't know.

RORY

We could try going to your house or --

DEAN

No, my parents are there.

RORY

Right. We could go to Luke's. He's dating my mom now, so I get seated right away.

DEAN

I don't want to go to Luke's.

RORY

Okay, then, I'm out. Your turn.

DEAN

Maybe you should just take me home.

RORY

Oh, okay. You know, Lane's band is playing at Jackson's rally, and I thought maybe I'd come back to town to see it. Maybe we could go together.

DEAN

No, I don't think so.

RORY

It would be fun. At the least, it could be very loud.

DEAN

No, Rory! I don't want to go parading our relationship all over town.

RORY

I didn't say -

DEAN

I don't need to rub Lindsay's nose in it any more than I already have, okay?

RORY

[stunned] I wasn't trying to rub Lindsay's nose in anything. I was just - [seeing his sullen look] I'll take you home. [starts car and drives off]

RORY

Hello?

LORELAI

[OS] Rory?

RORY

Yep.

LORELAI

Hey. Did I know you were coming home?

RORY

Nope.

LORELAI

That's a nice face.

RORY

I don't feel like driving all the way back to school tonight. I have to deal with James Joyce first thing in the morning. Is that okay?

LORELAI

The crashing or the dealing with James Joyce?

RORY

Crashing.

LORELAI

Absolutely. Crash away. Need a helmet?

RORY

Just a pillow.

LORELAI

So, just curious, what brings you to this neck of the woods this fine evening?

RORY

Dean had to give Lindsay the car tonight.

LORELAI

Ah.

RORY

So I came here to see him.

LORELAI

Well, you're a good girlfriend.

RORY

Well, it just made sense. I mean, I have a car.

LORELAI

[muttering under her breath] And classes first thing in the morning.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Huh?

RORY

What'd you say?

LORELAI

I said, "who wants Pop-Tarts?"

LORELAI

Oh, my God. Come on. How long is this taking you?

RORY

[exits the curtain] We do not harass the voters. This is not Florida.

SOOKIE

[emerges from the next booth] I just voted for my husband. [walks to nearby table] Gimme that sticker. When I married him, I never thought that someday he'd go into politics. Of course, his winning the line-dance championship was also a bit of a shocker, so what the hell do I know?

TAYLOR

[appears] Gee, I wonder who I just voted for. [ Chuckling ] Ah, this is a wonderful night.

SOOKIE

Yeah, you too, Taylor. [returns his "two thumbs up" as he exits] Ha ha. You know what -- this has been fun, even if we lose.

LORELAI

We're not gonna lose.

SOOKIE

Even if we do, I'm still glad we did it.

LORELAI

We're not going to lose. [to Rory] What's up with you? You taking off?

RORY

I'm gonna see Lane's band, then I'm gonna go.

SOOKIE

And I'm gonna make stew for Jackson. When he loses, he'll get stew. He likes stew.

LORELAI

He's not gonna lose.

SOOKIE

But if he does... then he'll get stew.

ZACH

This is the day the music died.

GIL

Seals & Crofts rock harder than this.

BRIAN

My mom likes this song.

LANE

It's the song Jackson picked. We have to play it.

ZACH

And then leave town immediately, because there's no way we can ever show our faces around here again.

BRIAN

We could wear masks. They wouldn't know it was us.

GIL

Dude, they wreak havoc with your hair.

LANE

And where would we get 'em?

BRIAN

My parents have a collection of wooden tiki masks they've picked up on trips. They're pretty cool. We'd have to peel the price tags off.

ZACH

I'm not wearing smelly wood on my face.

BRIAN

Well then, you come up with something.

ZACH

I say we walk because otherwise we're selling out.

GIL

We're already backstage. People will see us.

BRIAN

Not if we wear tiki masks.

ZACH

It's worth it to keep our street cred.

LANE

Look, Zach, it's for a good cause. And if, for one night, we have to give up our cool and not have girls jiggling up and down, wanting to come back to our place for sucker beer, then so be it.

ZACH

Whoa, Prohibition Sally. Part of the point of all this is appealing to chicks.

LANE

For you, not for us.

BRIAN

No, for me, too.

GIL

That's how I met my wife.

LANE

Well, then, not for me.

ZACH

Well, you're a chick.

LANE

Right, so I should know.

ZACH

I don't even know what you're talking about anymore.

GIL

We can't cancel the gig.

ZACH

Then what do we do?

GIL

We do what we do. We make rock 'n' roll. Hendrix rocked Woodstock with "The Star Spangled banner."

BRIAN

That's true.

GIL

No one saw it coming. It's a classic now. He turned it into an anthem.

LANE

It's "The Star Spangled Banner." It was kind of already an anthem.

GIL

Thanks to Hendrix.

ZACH

I'm confused.

BRIAN

So am I.

ZACH

Are we walking or what?

LANE

We're not walking.

LUKE

Okay, I gotta get out of here. I'm going upstairs. I put out the coffee, I locked the storeroom and the fridge. [He places his diner keys in her hand and gently squeezes] Do not let anyone break anything or steal anything. And lock up when you're done.

LORELAI

[giggles] You really don't want to wait for the results?

LUKE

[dryly] I'm just afraid I'll get too emotional.

LORELAI

Good night. [Luke exits]

SOOKIE

[OS to Jackson] You want some more coffee?

LORELAI

[to Rory] Bye, hon.

SOOKIE

[consoling tone] How you doing, honey?

JACKSON

Oh, I'm fine.

SOOKIE

He's nervous. I can tell. His neck goes away.

JACKSON

I'm not nervous. I'm fine.

KIRK

Where are they? Where are they? Oh, there you are. You won't believe it. Big news. [gasping out of breath]

LORELAI

Kirk, sit down.

KIRK

Can't. These aren't my pants. [Puzzled, Sookie glances at his pants] I have the results of my latest poll. I talked to every single person in town, and unanimously, they're all voting for Jackson.

SOOKIE

What?

JACKSON

Are you sure?

KIRK

I am sure. I talked to everyone except Taylor -- but I assumed he was voting for himself -- and they all told me the same thing.

SOOKIE

We're going to win? I'm gonna be the first town selectman lady.

JACKSON

I can't believe it.

LORELAI

Kirk, you're sure about this? Every single person?

KIRK

Every person except Taylor -- and even that's not a lock, 'cause hatred for Taylor runs very deep.

SOOKIE

Ooh, the rally started. Come on. Ooh, I'm so excited! I don't have to make stew! [She urges Jackson out of the diner with her. Kirk salutes Jackson and follows.

LORELAI

[ Chuckling ] Right.

RORY

Lane.

LANE

You're here!

RORY

Hey, I'm your groupie. But don't get any ideas. I'm saving experimentation for my junior year.

LANE

I love you.

RORY

If you need someone to stage-dive, give me a signal.

LANE

You got it.

SOOKIE

Hello, Stars Hollow! [the crowd all answers "Hello!"] Okay, so the man of the hour, Jackson Belleville -- [ Cheers and applause ] Oh. That's nice. Okay. Well, he's getting ready to come out here and talk to you, but before he does, I wanted to take the opportunity to say thanks -- wow. Again, wow. Okay, so thanks for all of the support and the nice thoughts. This is a great place to live, and I wouldn't want to live anyplace else the world! And now let's get this party started. I've got a real treat for you tonight. Right here, live onstage, playing one of Jackson's favorite songs of all time, put your hands together, and let's build the roof for Hep Alien!

ZACH

One, two, three, four... [sings] look at what's happened to me I can't believe it myself

GIL

[sings] Suddenly I'm on top of the world and it shoulda been somebody else! [Music changes and becomes fast paced hard rock] Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. I never thought I would feel so free flyin' away on a wing and a prayer

ZACH

[sings] Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me! It's just like the light of a new day it hit me from out of the blue.

GIL

[sings] Breakin' me out of the spell I was in, makin' all my wishes come true. believe it or not, I'm walking on air [Rory waves to Lane from the audience. Sookie watches the band from off stage as Lorelai joins her. Sookie appears a bit stunned.]

SOOKIE

It's different live, I guess.

LORELAI

I just saw Taylor in the soda shop.

SOOKIE

[still watching the band] Oh, yeah?

LORELAI

Yeah, I think he knows.

SOOKIE

Knows what?

LORELAI

Knows that he's gonna lose.

SOOKIE

Really?

LORELAI

He was sitting there all alone in the dark, downing spray whipped cream. He looked devastated.

SOOKIE

Yay!

LORELAI

I know -- "yay." But it's kind of sad, isn't it?

SOOKIE

Why? He deserves it.

LORELAI

I know, but no votes? None? That's humiliating. That's "Swept Away" kind of humiliating.

SOOKIE

[unconvincing] Yeah, you're right. Too bad.

LORELAI

You're stilling "yaying" in your head, aren't you?

SOOKIE

In 5.1 surround.

LORELAI

I'll be back in a minute.

ZACH AND GIL

[singing] Believe it or not! Believe it or not! Believe it or not!

GIL

[breaks out in a solo playing "The Star Spangled Banner" then...] [sings] Believe it or not! I'm walkin' on air!

LORELAI

Oh, Andrew. Great. Hi.

ANDREW

Hi Lorelai. Looks like it's gonna be a landslide for Jackson. Every single person I know is voting for him. You must be really happy.

LORELAI

Oh, yes, I am. Could you, um, vote for Taylor?

ANDREW

[shocked] What?

LORELAI

Jackson's still gonna win. It's hard to explain. It involves spray cream. Just trust me. Great. Thanks. [Andrew walks off and a young woman walks by] Anna, hi!

ANNA

Hi, Lorelai. Big night, huh?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, real big. Could you vote for Taylor?

ZACH

[sings] Flyin' away on a wing and a prayer who could it be? Believe it or not it's just me!

SOOKIE

Well, that was peppy. All right, ladies and gentlemen, what you've all been waiting for -- the man of the hour, the next town selectman of Stars Hollow, Jackson Belleville!

JACKSON

Well, jeez. That was, uh... quite a welcome. Uh, thank you all for coming and supporting me in this... thing here. As I stand on this stage, looking at you all, I can't help but think... I have a job. I have a life. [Sookie glances at her husband while continuing to grin at the crowd] I don't have time to be selectman. [Sookie does a double take as her smile stales] I have a business. I have a kid. And Sookie and I are trying to have another one. [Sookie glances nervously at the quiet crowd] And the doctor has us on this schedule, and it's not flexible. And -- what was I thinking? What the hell am I doing here? I don't want to be selectman.

MAN IN THE CROWD

[OS] An honest man!

ANOTHER MAN

[OS] Finally!

WOMAN IN CROWD

[OS] We're behind you all the way, Jackson!

ALL

[ Chanting ] Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson! Jackson!

ZACH

Whoo! Whoo! [ Howls ] Oh, man, I am flying. I mean it, I am two, three feet in the air.

BRIAN

It was tight, it was tight. [glances at Zach] That's the right term to throw in at this point, right?

CHERRY

No one plays guitar like you, Zach.

MIRA

Totally.

ZACH

It was more than just the gifts, sweetheart. It was the material.

BRIAN

We found our sound.

ZACH

Cheese works. This is a turning point. We have to go for it.

MIRA

You are gonna be so famous.

CHERRY

Will you remember us when you're huge?

ZACH

No.

CHERRY

You're awful.

BRIAN

I'm awful, too.

ZACH

Okay, who needs refills?

CHERRY

I do.

MIRA

Me too.

BRIAN

I'm good. [ Slurping from his beer can ]

ZACH

Grab us a couple beers, would you?

LANE

Okay.

ZACH

What are you doing in here? Come and join the party. [samples some chip dip from a bowl]

LANE

I like you, Zach. I like you as more than a bandmate and more than a friend. I like you. I have liked you for some time now, and I don't think this feeling is going to go away. I just thought you should know. Here's your beer. [she hands him the two cans, takes a big breath and exits to her bedroom]

ZACH

I gotta get some air.

BRIAN

I have Ken Burns' "Jazz" on DVD, if you're into that kind of thing.

DEAN

Hey.

RORY

Hey. I didn't know you were coming.

DEAN

I'm so sorry.

RORY

It's okay.

DEAN

This who situation's turning out to be a lot harder than I thought. Not you -- just Lindsay and moving back home and my parents. I'm not handling it as well as I should be.

RORY

It's a lot, Dean. You're doing fine.

DEAN

I didn't want to yell at you like that. I worked out the car thing. That's not gonna be an issue anymore. And I had a little talk with my mom, so I think things are gonna be better now.

RORY

Okay.

DEAN

I'm sorry.

RORY

It's good. Don't worry about it. [Dean smiles at her as she looks thoughtful] Dean, can I ask you something?

DEAN

Sure.

RORY

You won't get mad?

DEAN

No, I promise.

RORY

[hesitatingly] If Lindsay hadn't found that letter... would you... um, were you going... would you still have left her?

DEAN

Yeah. [looks at Rory puzzled before chuckling ] Yeah. Yeah, of course.

RORY

[lets out a breath of relief] Okay. Good. [ Chuckles ]

MISS PATTY

Everybody, may I have your attention? The results are in. Jackson, come on out here.

JACKSON

[OS] No.

MISS PATTY

[reads a small card] Okay. The votes for town selectman are as follows -- 1,114 for Jackson Belleville. 10 for Taylor Doose. [applause from the crowd] Well, we have a new town selectman, ladies and gentlemen! [Jackson snatches the card from Miss Patty and stares at it in disbelief] Jackson, would you like to say a few words to your constituency?

JACKSON

No.

TAYLOR

I would. [ Crowd murmuring as Taylor climbs on stage. After shaking hands with Jackson, he turns to speak into the microphone] Friends and townspeople... today in Stars Hollow, democracy has spoken. The will of the people has prevailed, and new leadership has been instated. Your vote has counted. Free elections are a wonderful thing, a thing to be admired and cherished. Here in America, we have something else that is to be admired and cherished. It's called a recall election. [ the crowd murmurs] I look forward to this other aspect of democracy, which I believe will happen any day now, when sanity and reason have been restored to Stars Hollow. So, in closing, friends, believe me when I tell you, you will have Taylor Doose to kick around again. Thank you, and God bless.

MISS PATTY

Jackson, now that we're done with the sidewalk issue, I would like to talk to you about the permit for expanding my dance studio to include a Tae-Bo room.

ANDREW

I have the pictures of the hedges right here. They're at least a foot above where they're supposed to be, and ruby won't cut them down.

KIRK

[walks up and pats Jackson on his shoulder] If you need someone in charge of homeland security, I am your man.

MISS PATTY

I have this great idea...

ANDREW

The sun sets five minutes earlier for me 'cause her hedges are in the way.

LUKE

Hey.

LORELAI

Grabbed us a little victory champagne, and I thought -- you were asleep.

LUKE

Oh, no, no. I was just, uh, doing some bills and things.

LORELAI

Doing bills?

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

In the dark?

LUKE

Trying to - conserve.

LORELAI

So, when you went up earlier, you were going to bed. [Luke smiles sleepily] You go to bed early, which makes sense, because you get up early. And, ugh -- now I got it.

LUKE

Hey, it's no big deal. Just come on in, we'll, uh...

LORELAI

[leans over and kisses him tenderly] No, I can hold on to this till later.

LUKE

Yeah?

LORELAI

Yeah. Good night. [mutters to self] "Goes to bed early," I gotta remember that.

LUKE

Only on some nights.

LORELAI

Hey, don't you also hate champagne? [holds up glasses]

LUKE

Kind of.

LORELAI

Yeah. [ Sighs ] I'm learning, I'm learning.