T5E5: “We Got Us a Pippi Virgin”

LORELAI

It's getting the word out to the business community that we're here -- that's the key.

SOOKIE

We've got to draw them in with the things that they like -- amenities.

LORELAI

What does a businessman want when they travel? Booze, and hookers. Anything else?

SOOKIE

[grins] I think that covers it.

LORELAI

We got booze. How do we get hookers?

SOOKIE

How about a banner up front that reads "Hoes up at the Dragonfly"?

LORELAI

Or we tell them Bill Maher's here.

SOOKIE

[ Gasps ] They'd come a-flocking.

LORELAI

Maybe we're in too silly a mood to be discussing such serious stuff.

SOOKIE

You think?

LORELAI

Oh hey Jackson, what would you do to lure more businessmen to the Dragonfly? Besides inviting Bill Maher.

JACKSON

What do I look like, the Shell Answer Man? Everybody's gotta have a piece of Jackson. Well, he's got nothing left, I tell you, nothing.

SOOKIE

[sympathetic] His town selectman duties are starting to wear on him.

LORELAI

That's why the fancy duds?

SOOKIE

He's got functions every day and meetings and hearings.

JACKSON

I tried to work in a nice suicide, but my schedule wouldn't allow it. [ Cellphone rings ] Ugh, That sound's death to me.

LORELAI

Don't answer it.

JACKSON

Could be a customer. Hello? [strained patience] Yes, Mrs. Cassini. I got the note about the playground equipment.

LORELAI

[points] Oh God, is that blood?

SOOKIE

It's tomato. It happens daily. Disrobe.

JACKSON

So you say your granddaughter fell off the ducky? Oh, she fell off the piggy and she whacked her arm on the ducky. Uh-huh. I see. Well, the first thing I would do is question the horsy, 'cause he's right next to the piggy and is our most reliable witness.[weak chuckle] No, there's nothing funny about that, Mrs. Cassini. Nothing whatsoever.

SOOKIE

Arms up, big boy.

JACKSON

No, a little girl being thrown from a pink, spring-loaded, bobbling piggy toy is very serious business. Yes, Mrs. Cassini. [walks off]

LORELAI

I don't think that's gonna come out.

SOOKIE

Poor guy. He's only got two dress shirts.

LORELAI

Well, maybe a big old bloodstain will help him. People will think there was an assassination attempt and be more sympathetic.

JACKSON

I do. I hear what you're saying, Mrs. Cassini. Yes, Mrs. Cassini. I'll talk to my parks and recreation chairman and get this solved I promise. Goodbye, Mrs. Cassini.

SOOKIE

It's a goner.

JACKSON

I know how it feels. I gotta go. I got a Kiwanis luncheon.

SOOKIE

Have fun.

LORELAI

Jackson, before you go, I need your John Hancock on that there.

JACKSON

Oh yeah?

LORELAI

Yeah, just right at the bottom. I was just ordering a ton of extra, you know, vegetables and stuff. It's just to sign and confirm that I'm ordering that stuff.

JACKSON

Hey, this is for those extra parking spaces you need. It's selectman business.

LORELAI

Really?

JACKSON

Et tu, former friend?

LORELAI

I just need your signature. It's your duty. [reluctantly takes paper and pen back]

JACKSON

So impeach me.

SOOKIE

I'll forge that for you.

LORELAI

Thanks.

RICHARD

So Dickie high tails it to his office and e-mails me within seconds.

RORY

Dickie's the other you at your office, right?

RICHARD

Well, there's no other me.

RORY

You know what I meant, Grandpa.

RICHARD

Dickie and I share some duties. We lunch occasionally, socialize a bit. But he would cut my throat in a heartbeat, as I would his.

RORY

It's like Rikers Island, except everyone drives a Jag.

RICHARD

[chuckles] Well, Dickie made a mistake. He e-mailed me, thinking that I wouldn't read it for days, but I read it the minute he sent it. He figured my weekend starts at lunch on Fridays, as so many others do -- error followed by error.

RORY

That man needs to reread his Sun Tzu.

RICHARD

Anyway, that's why I am missing Friday Night dinner. Dickie and I are going to be in the Chicago office.

RORY

Well, send me a postcard.

RICHARD

I'm traveling much less, but I don't miss it. Thirty years ago, any chance I had to travel, I jumped at, but now... I'm talking a lot, aren't I?

RORY

No. I mean, yes. But it's good.

RICHARD

I don't want to be tiresome.

RORY

Grandpa, you could never tire me. This is fun.

RICHARD

Good. My valet isn't much of a conversationalist. He's the master of the monosyllable, although he can shine a shoe with the best of them. So, been reading anything good lately?

RORY

I'm very into P.G. Wodehouse right now.

RICHARD

Oh, that's great.

RORY

You?

RICHARD

Actually, I've had a personal triumph of late.

RORY

Oh, yeah? What?

RICHARD

I've just finished the sixth and final volume of "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire."

RORY

[stunned] That *is* a triumph.

RICHARD

I started it in 1968. So it took only -- what? -- 36 years to finish it. But by God, I finished it.

RORY

Wow. That's quite a commitment.

RICHARD

Well, I've had a little more time on my hands lately. Not as many evenings out as there once were.

RORY

[quietly] Right. Not as many.

RICHARD

You're still getting together with your grandmother tonight, aren't you?

RORY

Uh-huh.

RICHARD

Has she mentioned her car lately?

RORY

Her car?

RICHARD

It's due for its six-month service. I hope she isn't skipping those.

RORY

I don't know. I'm happy to ask.

RICHARD

Oh, no. That's too much trouble. I'll have Robert check with her maid.

RORY

Okay.

RICHARD

He may have to use upwards of six syllables for this one. I wish him luck.

RORY

Couldn't you just ask her yourself, Grandpa? I mean, you're right there.

RICHARD

No, I don't want to be an annoyance.

RORY

Okay. But, Grandpa --

RICHARD

Chicken's getting cold.

RORY

Right.

RICHARD

I saw the most preposterous thing on TV the other night. It's been ages since I've just flipped through the channels, and the horrors to be discovered there.

LUKE

Hey, what brings you here?

LORELAI

Caffeine withdrawal. And I like looking at you.

LUKE

To go?

LORELAI

To go. [pulls open her purse]

LUKE

Don't worry about it.

LORELAI

Luke, this is your business. I've always paid, and I always should pay.

LUKE

Fine, but don't tip me. Tipping now is weird.

LORELAI

Okay. Besides, [exaggerated wink] I can tip you later.

LUKE

That was weird, too.

LORELAI

I'm a very awkward winker.

LUKE

You're never supposed to tip me, anyway.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

I'm the proprietor. You're not supposed to tip the proprietor, even when they serve you.

LORELAI

You mean all those years, that extra 20% was unnecessary?

LUKE

[scoffs] You never tipped me 20%.

LORELAI

Ooh. Now it's getting ugly.

LUKE

You were a solid 15 percenter, sometimes less if the bill got higher. Way less if you were mad at me about something.

LORELAI

[grinning] Well, it doesn't matter. I wasn't supposed to be tipping you, anyway.

LUKE

True.

LORELAI

In fact, I want a rebate.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

[dryly] You've been ripping me off for ten years.

LUKE

Have your lawyer call my lawyer.

LORELAI

Thank you [picks up her steaming coffee]

LUKE

[without pause] We still on for tomorrow night?

LORELAI

Absolutely.

LUKE

Talk to you later.

LORELAI

Bye.

DEAN

Oh hi, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hi, Dean. Um, good to bump into you.

DEAN

Yeah, same here. [hesitatingly looks around] Um, you on your way back to work?

LORELAI

Yeah. You?

DEAN

Yeah. I'm going to Doose's.

LORELAI

[conversationally] You were just at the inn.

DEAN

Yeah, Tom wanted me to sand some doors down. They were getting a little warped.

LORELAI

I saw you in the hallway there, but you looked kind of busy.

DEAN

[slightly embarrassed] Yeah, I-I saw you, too.

LORELAI

Oh. [Dean looks around uncomfortably] So, how's our girl?

DEAN

Rory?

LORELAI

Yeah.

DEAN

Uh, she's good. I saw her like three days ago, or a couple days ago. But yeah, she's good.

LORELAI

Good. Well, I talked to her this morning, so I win. [chuckles and smiles] Not that it's a contest.

DEAN

[grins back] Right.

LORELAI

Well, I guess I'll see you around. Next time you're at the inn, find me. We could have some coffee and chew the fat. Sounds like a disgusting combination, but anyway come by.

DEAN

I will. Sure. Absolutely.

LORELAI

Okay.

DEAN

So have a good day.

LORELAI

You too.

EMILY

I'll get it, Sara.

LORELAI

Hi, Mom.

EMILY

Come in, come in.

LORELAI

I'm sorry I'm late. Traffic was bad. Some moron coming out of Stars Hollow decided to go the speed limit, which is -- ooh! [she stares into the foyer] What the hell is that?

EMILY

What does it look like? It's a panic room.

LORELAI

Like Jodie Foster?

EMILY

I have no idea.

LORELAI

But it's very small. It's more like an anxiety room.

EMILY

It's for one person.

LORELAI

Huh?

EMILY

You could maybe squeeze two in.

LORELAI

And when those two are done panicking, the next couple of panickers get a turn?

EMILY

It's primarily for me.

LORELAI

Why the foyer?

EMILY

It was supposed to go upstairs, but the boors who delivered it claimed they weren't told about the stairs, so they didn't have the right equipment.

LORELAI

Hey, let's test it out. I'm gonna get you. [raises her hands like claws]

EMILY

[disgusted] Oh, my God.

LORELAI

You better get in there, 'cause I'm a bad guy. Baah!

EMILY

Stop it.

LORELAI

I'm menacing. Panic, damn it. Come on.

EMILY

There's nothing funny about this.

LORELAI

Oh! Get in, quick! Quick!

EMILY

Stop it.

RORY

Hi, Grandma. So -- hey, what's that?

LORELAI

I know how to protect you from shrapnel and Agent Orange. Ask me how.

EMILY

It's a panic room.

RORY

Like Jodie Foster?

EMILY

What does Jodie Foster have to do with this?

LORELAI

[teasing] You need one for your dorm.

EMILY

That's not a stupid thought. It'll stop a 9-millimeter shell.

LORELAI

Handy for when Suge Knight comes for tea.

RORY

Why is it here?

EMILY

It's a long story. Come, let's have drinks and forget about the panic room. What'll you have?

LORELAI

Gin martini.

RORY

A soda with lime.

EMILY

This little rinky-dink cart has nothing.

LORELAI

Dad got the big one?

EMILY

He stole it away in the dark of night, so I'm stranded. I had our minister over a couple of days ago, and he had to go without his whiskey sour.

LORELAI

I bet he excommunicated you on the spot.

EMILY

I've got vermouth, but no gin. [sarcastic] Perfect. [calls out loudly] Sara?

SARA

Yes, ma'am?

EMILY

I need gin. Check everywhere.

LORELAI

Including the bathtub.

EMILY

Start with the pantry.

SARA

Yes, ma'am.

EMILY

You know, the main reason I got the panic room is because I'm a woman living alone.

LORELAI

Well, let the record show I did not bring up the panic room.

EMILY

Do you know I've never lived alone? I went from my parents' house to college to Richard.

RORY

But, Grandma, you're not alone alone. Grandpa is only a few feet away.

EMILY

He might as well be a million miles away. I don't even know if your grandfather would look up from his stamp collection if he heard me scream.

RORY

That's not true.

LORELAI

Unless his nose got stuck to the stamp in the book and he physically couldn't look up. [Rory looks reprovingly at Lorelai] It happens.

EMILY

He's gone so much, he's no protection, anyway. He just left on some business trip, and it's an afterthought that he even bothered to tell me about it at all.

RORY

But he told you, so that's not an afterthought. That's a thought - a very thoughtful thought.

EMILY

I'm sure it was in some way for his own convenience.

SARA

[returns empty-handed] There's no gin anywhere, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

Oh, perfect.

SARA

I'll check the bathtub now.

EMILY

That was a joke, Sara. Lorelai, please don't joke with the maids. It's not what they do.

LORELAI

Sorry.

EMILY

[to Sara] Check Mr. Gilmore's study.

SARA

Yes, ma'am. [exits]

EMILY

I should just call Richard myself and drag him away from whatever business meal he is having and make him tell me.

RORY

It's okay. Mom doesn't need a martini. [to her mother] Right?

LORELAI

Yeah. Right. I'll take what you got. What's good enough for the minister is good enough for me.

EMILY

Your hands are empty.

SARA

[returns a little more tentatively] The door to the study is locked.

EMILY

He locked the study?

LORELAI

Mom, really, I don't need gin. I'll take whatever you have.

EMILY

I don't have anything. That's the problem. Come on. [she stands up]

RORY

Come on where?

EMILY

[pulls a set of keys from the nearby bureau a walks off.] I'm not going to let Richard's business trip keep you from having the drink you want.

RORY

Grandma, wait. [Lorelai and Rory follow Emily]

RORY

Should we really be doing this?

EMILY

Oh, that he can live in this squalor.

LORELAI

It's another Calcutta. Is that open sewage?

EMILY

It certainly smells like a sewer in here.

RORY

It's his cigars. That's the smell.

EMILY

It's more than cigars. It's debauchery.

LORELAI

[dryly] Yeah. Dad mentioned he had the Barbi twins up here a couple nights ago. He and his butler have a little "auto focus" thing going on.

RORY

Well, the drink cart's over there, Grandma. We can grab the gin and vamoose.

LORELAI

[shtick] No, she's got vamoose, remember? It's the gin we need. - But you know -

EMILY

He must have five packs of breath mints here. Why would a man need five packs of breath mints?

LORELAI

It could be the gorgonzola and onion diet he's on. It has its drawbacks.

RORY

Grandma, I feel kind of weird snooping like this.

EMILY

This is my property as much as his, and when we die, it'll be yours. We're all entitled here. He's got some new books. [browses though the bookcase]

LORELAI

Hey, my Petunia Pig plate and spoon. What's it doing here?

EMILY

Oh, odds and ends wound up out here over the years.

LORELAI

This is not an odd nor an end. It's my Petunia Pig and I'm taking it.

RORY

It's not yours to take.

LORELAI

[stubbornly] Dad's not using my Petunia Pig spoon.

EMILY

I say take it.

LORELAI

Hey, Mom, what are we carrying our booty home in? Do you have a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it?

RORY

Okay. Just to remind you once again, the drink cart is right over here. Oh, and I think I spot gin. It's brown, right?

LORELAI

I love that you think that. [spies Emily in Richard's closet] Looking for skeletons?

EMILY

I'm just looking.

RORY

Oh, man. I spilled a ton of scotch on my skirt. Who's not closing these bottles?

EMILY

Oh, my God.

LORELAI

Did you really find a skeleton?

RORY

Okay, Gin -- it's clear, it's in my hand, and it looks good enough for a minister. Let's go.

EMILY

Oh, my God. Will you look at this? [Shocked, she pulls out a vest dressed in colorful sequins]

RORY

Bright.

LORELAI

[dryly] And tasteful.

EMILY

It's a vest.

RORY

Grandpa has lots of vests.

EMILY

It's got glitter. It's a glitter vest.

LORELAI

So?

EMILY

So? Where would your father wear a vest like this? Certainly nowhere he ever would've taken me.

RORY

Grandma, it's just a vest.

LORELAI

Yeah Mom. There's tons of places he would wear that.

EMILY

Name one.

LORELAI

Okay, I'm at a loss.

EMILY

This is insane.

LORELAI

Mom, this is the place where unwanted things came to repose. Maybe it's a vest of his from the old days.

EMILY

Our days never included Richard dressing up like that gay fellow whose tiger tried to eat him. I have definitely, positively never seen this vest. This is a party vest.

LORELAI

Okay, just put it back, Mom, and let's go.

EMILY

[holds out the festive garment] You put it back.

RORY

You know, we've moved a lot of stuff around here tonight. We've got to cover our tracks.

LORELAI

Where did you find it?

EMILY

Squished in the middle, as if he was hiding it from me.

LORELAI

[mutters as she returns the vest to the closet] Can you blame him? It's hideous.

EMILY

How dare he have a vest like that.

RORY

Okay, the mints looked something like this, right?

EMILY

That devious man.

LORELAI

[pushing Emily across the room and out the door] Come on, Mom, let's go.

RORY

[sees the dish and spoon on sofa table -panics] Mom, Petunia Pig.

LORELAI

Grab it.

RORY

I have never seen Grandma so singularly obsessed about a piece of clothing.

LORELAI

Not since I wore my "Gas, Grass, or Ass -- No one rides for free" t-shirt to the junior league spring tea.

LUKE

Here we go. Boysenberry pie with ice cream. Hot fudge sundae. Half a grapefruit.

RORY

I don't want a grapefruit.

LUKE

It's good for you.

RORY

Kinda my point.

LUKE

It's too late for her, but not for you. Eat it.

LORELAI

The service is very rude. No tip for you. [to Rory] In fact, he actually owes us a lot of money because we weren't supposed to be tipping him all these years.

RORY

I know. Customarily, you do not have to tip the proprietor of an establishment.

LORELAI

Why have we been tipping him all these years?

RORY

We like him?

LORELAI

Oh, that. [to Luke] Hey, bring us some coffee, and I promise this grapefruit will be eaten.

LUKE

[skeptical] Okay.

LORELAI

How long is my nose?

RORY

Very. [gobbles her ice cream]

LORELAI

What's with the scarfing?

RORY

Well, I figured since it's still early I'd stop by Dean's new place real quick and say hi. Is that okay?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. So he's out of the parents'?

RORY

Yeah. He's sleeping on his friend Kyle's couch. It's just temporary.

LORELAI

Great. You know, we could call him and have him meet us here if you want.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Yeah. Plenty of pie, ice cream, grapefruit to go around. If we twist his arm, I bet Luke will throw in some raw spinach.

RORY

I don't think it's a good idea.

LORELAI

So skip the spinach.

RORY

You know what I mean.

LORELAI

No. What?

RORY

It's been a little weird between you two.

LORELAI

No, it hasn't.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

I just ran into him today. Didn't he tell you?

RORY

Yeah. He said it was weird.

LORELAI

Well, then it was only weird on his side, 'cause it wasn't on mine.

RORY

Um-hm.

LORELAI

Hey, how about I come along with you to Kyle's? He's back from the Navy, right? We could all hang out and hear his stories. He could teach us some sea chanteys, and I could tell Dean how not weird the situation is. See? That's how unweird it is for me. I'd do that.

RORY

No. That'd be weird, too.

LORELAI

I don't like it this way.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

We all used to get together all the time for whatever and hang out. We had a great rhythm. I like Dean. I've always liked Dean. He has a great heart. I don't want it to be weird.

RORY

Neither do I. Dean doesn't either.

LORELAI

Well, then, what about tomorrow night? Let's all hook up then.

RORY

All who?

LORELAI

All of us. You know -- the gang -- the fearsome foursome. [Luke returns with two steaming coffee mugs.] How does that sound?

LUKE

How does what sound?

LORELAI

Doing something with Rory tomorrow night.

RORY

You don't have to.

LUKE

No, no really. That sounds great. We can all do something together. [nods enthusiastically to Rory]

LORELAI

Yeah. It's a great idea. There's a ground swell of support. Let's do it.

RORY

Okay, if you want.

LORELAI

Yeah, we want, right?

LUKE

Yeah. We want. [grins and nods supportively]

LORELAI

Good. [to Rory] Go run it past Dean.

LUKE

[his grin evaporates] Dean?

RORY

I'm sure I can persuade him.

LORELAI

Good.

RORY

Yeah, good. I'll see you tomorrow night. [kisses her mom's cheek]

LORELAI

Okay. See you tomorrow night.

RORY

Bye, Luke.

LUKE

[interrogates] Dean? Rory's seeing Dean?

LORELAI

Yeah, you knew that.

LUKE

No, I didn't.

LORELAI

Wha - Didn't I tell you?

LUKE

No. Since when?

LORELAI

Since she got back from Europe.

LUKE

I don't believe it.

LORELAI

Haven't you seen them walking around?

LUKE

No. Were you hiding it?

LORELAI

No. I just - I wasn't sure when they wanted people to know or how I should tell people without getting hammered with a bunch of questions.

LUKE

Was this before he left his wife or after? [realization] Did -- did he leave her for Rory?

LORELAI

Like those. Questions just like those.

LUKE

Sorry, it's just, you know, [futile look] Dean and Rory together again.

LORELAI

Well, you can back out if you want. I kind of Shanghaied you there.

LUKE

No. We can do it. I just have to wrap my mind around it. Dean. [gritting teeth]

LORELAI

[gestures to the grin on her face] Dean.

LUKE

Dean. All right. Well, I'll be right back. [exits back to kitchen]

LORELAI

hmm. [covertly nudges the grapefruit dish away]

BRIAN

"G."

ZACH

"G."

BRIAN

For four beats, back to "C" major then jump to "A" minor.

ZACH

"C" minor to "A."

BRIAN

Major.

ZACH

"A" major.

BRIAN

"A" minor after "C" major, then it's back to "G."

ZACH

Yo, Kid Flash, slow down. I've got chops, but I'm not Les Paul.

LANE

Follow the chart, Zach. You wrote it all down.

ZACH

I can't look at the chart. It's depressing.

LANE

How can a chord chart be depressing?

ZACH

The title, "Brian's Song."

BRIAN

It's a working title.

ZACH

Well, it's bumming me out. It's reminding me of Billy Dee Williams and cancer. Change it.

BRIAN

I have to change a working title? Come on.

ZACH

Well, then leave it if you don't mind bumming every body out. Or change it to "Lepers Are Fun" or "Kiss My Scurvy."

LANE

Look. There. "Brian's Tune," okay? Good working title there.

BRIAN

Okay. From the "G," we go to --

ZACH

Let's take five. I gotta clear my head.

LANE

Okay. Five minutes.

BRIAN

I'm gonna go water the lawn. We're getting brown spots again.

ZACH

Don't over water. That's not good for it, either.

LANE

So, how you doing, Zach?

ZACH

Comme ci, comme ca.

LANE

Anything new?

ZACH

Went to the dentist. Said I'm brushing too vigorously.

LANE

[conversationally]Oh interesting. 'Cause when you're a kid, they tell you to really go at it, ya know?

ZACH

Another lie fed to our generation.

LANE

Yeah.

ZACH

And now I'm paying with eroding gums. Want to see 'em?

LANE

[grossed] I'm good. So, anything else on your mind?

ZACH

Not really. [long pause] Want a drink or anything?

LANE

Nope. [sadly to herself] I want for nothing.

RORY

Hi, Kyle.

KYLE

Oh, hey, Rory. Come on in.

RORY

Thanks.

KYLE

Welcome to Casa Kyle. It's not the Taj Mahal, but it's cozy. You like Dylan?

RORY

I think I better.

KYLE

[chuckles] Yeah. I listened to a lot of Dylan out at sea. He really spoke to me.

RORY

And you understood him?

KYLE

[ Laughs ] Funny.

RORY

So you look good. How you been doing?

KYLE

Great. Navy's been fantastic. Bitchin' rehab, so I'm up and running. I can drive, type 60 words a minute. You know what else?

RORY

No. What?

KYLE

This thing is a real chick magnet. [holds up his prosthetic right arm with a hook at the end] Yeah. It's the Captain Hook thing.

RORY

Well, good for you.

DEAN

Hey. What are you doing here?

RORY

Bonus visit. [they kiss]

KYLE

Oh. I think I know what that means. I'm gonna make myself scarce.

RORY

No, Kyle. It's okay. We don't want to put you out.

KYLE

Don't worry, I gotta make some calls. Check my traps, if you know what I mean. Give a shout out to Cindy or Luene or maybe throw Stacy a little something.

DEAN

He's been throwing it around a lot lately.

KYLE

Everybody loves the Bionic Man. [ Cellphone rings ] That's not me. Mine plays "Superfreak."

RORY

Sorry. It's me.

KYLE

I'll leave you two to play. [he exits to the next room]

RORY

Hello?

LANE

Rory, listen, I like you, and I want to be more than just friends with you.

RORY

What!?

LANE

See? You reacted. That's what a person does after someone says that they like him or her, but in my case, it's him.

RORY

Oh, we're talking Zach here.

LANE

The inscrutable Zach. He's driving me crazy. I gave him ample opportunity to address the issue, and all he talked about was his eroding gums.

RORY

Oh, sexy.

LANE

He's really getting on my nerves, that guy. Where are you, school?

RORY

[giggles] No, I'm with Dean. He's staying with Kyle.

LANE

Oh, how's his hook?

RORY

Apparently it's a chick magnet.

LANE

Well, say hi to Dean.

RORY

[to Dean] Hi from Lane.

DEAN

[calls into the phone] Hi, Lane!

LANE

And call me back when you're less distracted.

RORY

I will. Keep me posted.

LANE

If there's anything to post. Bye.

RORY

Bye. [puts away phone] So, tomorrow night.

DEAN

Yeah. What time?

RORY

Well, I can get here pretty early, but I just wanted to talk about plans with you.

DEAN

Sure. What do you want to do?

RORY

How about we go on a double date with my mom and Luke?

DEAN

[looks doubtful] A double date?

RORY

Yeah.

DEAN

Won't that be awkward, weird, and about 50 other things like that?

RORY

Mom and I already talked about the weird issue in detail, and it won't be. It was Mom's idea.

DEAN

You're kidding.

RORY

No. You're forgetting, we used to hang out all the time. We had fun.

DEAN

That was a long time ago.

RORY

Yeah, but we had fun.

DEAN

I remember.

RORY

Well, so does Mom. Come on.

DEAN

[resigned] Okay.

RORY

[stands and pulls on her jacket] Good. I'm off. [they kiss]

DEAN

I hate these short visits.

RORY

They're better than none, though.

DEAN

I guess.

KYLE

Don't leave on my account, 'cause I'm outta here. A couple of my girls took the bait. I'm thinking about doing a back-to-backer.

RORY

Well, I'm not leaving on your account. [to Dean] Tomorrow? [they kiss again]

DEAN

Tomorrow.

KYLE

No rest for Kyle. [into the phone] Yeah? Hey, cool. Yeah, what are you doing around 11:30, baby? [ Laughs ] All right.

LORELAI

So is meeting up at 6:30 cool?

RORY

Good with us. What'd you have in mind?

LORELAI

I'll surprise you with it, but it's a classic Stars Hollow slate of activities.

RORY

So we're gonna T.P. Taylor's house again?

LORELAI

Ugh. I wanted it to be a surprise. [call waiting beeps] Wait, hon. Hold on a sec.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

Hello?

EMILY

Lorelai, are you alone?

LORELAI

Why?

EMILY

Because I'm going to give you the code to open the panic room from the outside and I don't want to do it if you're not alone.

LORELAI

Just hanging out here with my close friend Tex Watson.

EMILY

This is not a joking matter. Can I trust you with this information?

LORELAI

Maybe not. Maybe you should give it to someone else, someone closer.

EMILY

Well, I can't trust a neighbor.

LORELAI

How about Dad?

EMILY

Oh, your father wouldn't come to my rescue if I was on fire. Besides, that vest of his is so loud he wouldn't be able to hear me screaming.

LORELAI

Okay, Mom. Give me the code, and I will keep the code safe. [Resigned, she rises and walks to the desk for pen and paper]

EMILY

Okay. Here goes. Are you ready?

LORELAI

Pen is poised.

EMILY

1, 1, 1... 1, 1.

LORELAI

[drops the pad back on desk] Is that the code it came with?

EMILY

Well, I don't know how to change it. The men were supposed to show me, and now it's the code I'm stuck with. Did you write it down?

LORELAI

Barring an aneurysm, I think I'll remember it.

EMILY

Well, factor in an aneurysm and write it down. This is important.

LORELAI

Okay. I'm writing it down. 1, 1, 1, 1, 1. [pretends to write down]

EMILY

Don't say it out loud.

LORELAI

Our football team is so great. We won, won, won, won, won.

EMILY

Everything's a joke.

LORELAI

[dryly] No, Mom, seriously. The mailman overheard. I gotta get off the phone and chase him down and whack him.

EMILY

Hide that number.

LORELAI

I will. Goodbye.

EMILY

Goodbye.

LORELAI

[clicks call waiting] I'm back. That was mom giving me the secret panic room code.

RORY

She should just give it to Grandpa.

LORELAI

I suggested that, but she scoffed. Those two should just divorce and get it over with.

RORY

Don't say that.

LORELAI

I was just talking.

RORY

It's not funny.

LORELAI

But this standoff between them isn't good for anybody. Mom's getting more insane and sharing the insanity with me and everybody else.

RORY

Divorce is not the answer. I can tell you for a fact that Grandpa is miserable.

LORELAI

Really? He and Jeeves seem very happy in their new modern relationship.

RORY

Grandpa misses Grandma terribly.

LORELAI

Why? He say something like that?

RORY

I just know.

LORELAI

How?

RORY

Yesterday, when we had lunch on campus, Grandpa told me that he finished "Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire." Hmm? You see?

LORELAI

You want to de-Mensa the reference?

RORY

No one sits at home alone reading that book unless it's a class assignment. It just doesn't happen. It's a honking long book. It's clearly a cry for help.

LORELAI

You're very anti-intellectual.

RORY

He asked me if Grandma had taken her car in for its six-month service.

LORELAI

Hon, that's concern for her car, not for her.

RORY

No, that's concern about Grandma and her safety.

LORELAI

Why didn't you mention this to Mom at dinner? Maybe she would have been less panicked about what he's doing and the now-infamous glitter vest.

RORY

I don't want to open a can of worms.

LORELAI

How would that open up a can of worms?

RORY

If I told her what I said, I'd have to tell her I had lunch with him, a lunch I had previously not informed her of and that would have made her jealous and defensive. The less you tell Grandma, the better.

LORELAI

[She sits up with a mock gasp] By George, I think she's got it.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I have been trying to burn that into your brain since you were a baby, but you stubbornly resisted. Now a breakthrough. I'm so proud.

RORY

So 6:30, you said?

LORELAI

By the gazebo. Dress is cas.

RORY

I really, really, really hate what's going on with Grandma and Grandpa.

LORELAI

I know, hon, but it's up to them to fix it.

RORY

I guess. I'll see you tonight.

LORELAI

Okay. See you tonight. Bye-bye.

RICHARD

Lorelai? This is a surprise. Did we have an appointment?

LORELAI

Oh, no, I just stopped by to pick something up for Mom and apparently she's not home.

RICHARD

She's at a D.A.R. Meeting. She's always there mid-Saturday afternoons. You should know that.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. I guess I forgot. Maybe one day the entire D.A.R. will go collectively wiggy and meet on a late Saturday afternoon.

RICHARD

I doubt that. Can I get you something? Water, soda?

LORELAI

No, no, thanks. I'm fine. See you have your nose in your Proust.

RICHARD

Yes, have you read him?

LORELAI

Oh, I tried once. Struck out. [looks pointedly at a small dish near his chair] Whoa. That's a lot of Certs.

RICHARD

You know how that is -- you pick one up, you forget you have it. You pick up another. The cycle continues.

LORELAI

[mutters to self] Kind of like me and men.

RICHARD

What?

LORELAI

I don't know. Mom wasn't here, so there was a vacuum. [weak chuckle]

RICHARD

Ah. I'm sorry about the mess. My man is with his sick mother, and I'm kind of left in the lurch here.

LORELAI

Ah, your Lurch left you in the lurch. Hey, is that where that's from? You know, Lurch on the "Addams Family"? 'Cause he would leave people in the lurch?

RICHARD

I'm not familiar with the etymology of Lurch.

LORELAI

So Lurch is away, you're back from your trip. Anything else new with you?

RICHARD

Not that I can think of.

LORELAI

How have you been spending your time lately? Anything new and fancy?

RICHARD

Not really. I joined a barbershop quartet.

LORELAI

Aha!

RICHARD

What do you mean, "aha"?

LORELAI

And what does the barbershop quartet entail?

RICHARD

It's a musical group. We dress up in outfits.

LORELAI

Aha!

RICHARD

[annoyed] Stop saying that.

LORELAI

What kind of outfits?

RICHARD

Well, old-timey period things.

LORELAI

Straw hats, vests?

RICHARD

That kind of thing. And don't say "aha" again. It's loud.

LORELAI

Dad, have you talked to Mom lately?

RICHARD

Your mother has nothing to say to me.

LORELAI

That's not true. I'm sure she'd be interested in what you're doing, like the quartet thing.

RICHARD

Why?

LORELAI

[gently] Why? You were together 40 years.

RICHARD

She couldn't care less about what I do.

LORELAI

Dad, you're still her husband. And if you're filling your nights with something, I'm sure she'd be curious what you're filling them with, as you would be with her.[she observes his pensive expression] Just think about it, okay?

RICHARD

I'll tell Robert to tell your mother you were here when he gets back.

LORELAI

Bye.

ZACH

When did the bathroom sink stop up?

LANE

It just happened. I called the landlord. He's on it.

ZACH

'Cause we've got rights you know. This isn't Russia.

BRIAN

Can I scoot in here?

LANE

Sure.

ZACH

Don't brush too hard, dude. I'd show you my gums, but you'd puke.

BRIAN

What about flossing?

ZACH

You mean the silent killer? It's a rope of destruction.

BRIAN

Nothing's safe anymore.

ZACH

[calls after him while continuing to lather neck] Gentle little strokes. [to Lane] We still lack basic necessities, man. We've gotta get a plunger.

LANE

[distantly] Yeah.

ZACH

[casually] Wanna go today?

LANE

Huh?

ZACH

To get a plunger? I know a store that sells 'em used.

LANE

[turns to face him] Zach?

ZACH

Yeah?

LANE

I've changed my mind.

ZACH

[Deer in the headlights look] Huh?

LANE

I've changed my mind. I'm taking it back.

ZACH

Taking what back?

LANE

I have no feelings for you. I was confused before, that's all, but not anymore. We're roommates and bandmates, and that's it, and that's all it'll ever be. [She exits as Brian re-enters to rinse and spit toothpaste in the kitchen sink. Zach is confused and stares at his hands filled with shaving foam.]

LUKE

Is that them?

LORELAI

Yeah, that's Stretch and Skinny.

LUKE

[grumbles] Oh, man, he's wearing nice slacks.

LORELAI

I don't think so.

LUKE

They're creased.

LORELAI

That equals nice?

LUKE

I hate that. It's hard enough getting dressed for a date. When you're gonna double with people, it's like dressing for four.

LORELAI

Well, at least be thankful you're not wearing your penguin outfit. Then you really would have been out of place.

LUKE

This is so not a slacks evening.

LORELAI

Please stop saying slacks. That word is creepy.

LUKE

Sorry.

LORELAI

And don't mention the "S" word to them, okay? Dean is going to be uncomfortable enough as it is. [Luke nods without enthusiasm] We don't want him to think that we're judging him, or that you're inordinately interested in his pants.

LORELAI

Hi, hi.

RORY

Hi. [mother and daughter hug and kiss affectionately]

LORELAI

Dean. Hi. Hi.

DEAN

Oh, hi.

LORELAI

Wow, this is going to be fun.

DEAN

Yeah, absolutely.

LUKE

How you doing, buddy?

DEAN

Yeah, good. How you doing?

LORELAI

Too bad you weren't holding a trophy. That would have made a great picture.

RORY

So what's on the agenda?

LORELAI

We grab some takeout then hit the "Black, White, and Read" movie theater.

DEAN

Cool.

RORY

I miss that place. It's been forever.

LORELAI

They're playing a great movie tonight. [nudges Luke with her elbow] "Cool Hand Luke."

LUKE

Not too shabby.

RORY

Let's go get the food.

DEAN

[glances over his shoulder] Well, good timing. No line at Jojo's.

LUKE

Let's just get the stuff at my place.

LORELAI

Why?

LUKE

Same kind of food, but better.

RORY

Yours is way better.

LORELAI

[grins] That's why we're going to Jojo's.

LUKE

[clueless look to Lorelai] What?

DEAN

Allow me.

LORELAI

Take it.

DEAN

We always do Jojo's on B.W.R. Nights.

LORELAI

That's short for "Black, White, and Read" movie theater. That's our little nickname.

LUKE

[grumbles] I'm following it.

DEAN

Because your stuff is good and has to be eaten pretty quickly. If it sits around, it starts to suck.

LUKE

That's true of all food.

DEAN

Ah, But not Jojo's. Jojo's sucks to begin with, so it's no worse when you eat it later.

RORY

It's a relativity thing. Einstein and whatnot.

LORELAI

The secret is Jojo's chili. [motions with her hands] The chili acts as a seal.

RORY

Jojo's burgers could travel to China, and they'd still be just as good.

DEAN

Because they start off bad.

LORELAI

Get it?

LUKE

[deadpan] Not really.

LORELAI

Good, then let's go. [grabs his arm as they all walk off] Plus, Jojo's is cheaper.

LUKE

'Cause it sucks.

LORELAI

I'm just saying.

RORY

Jojo is going to be so excited to be making a sale.

LORELAI

Hello?

LUKE

Are they open?

RORY

The sign said they were.

LORELAI

Hello?

KIRK

I have a gun!

LORELAI

Chill out, Kirk. We're here for the movie.

KIRK

You were supposed to pay out front.

LORELAI

You weren't out front.

LUKE

Here's $20.

KIRK

That's too much.

LUKE

Keep the change.

KIRK

You can get in 16 more people for that.

LUKE

Put it towards the popcorn.

RORY

[gleefully] Let's sit.

LORELAI

Yes, yes. Ooh, let's take Big Red.

RORY

[enthusiastically] Yes, Big Red.

DEAN

That's the name for the couch.

LUKE

Yes, thanks. I kind of caught onto that.

DEAN

Oh, sorry.

LUKE

No, no, no you go.

DEAN

That's okay.

LUKE

No, that's fine. It's the same down here.

LORLEAI

Cool, we have a short feature to start. "The Katzenjammer kids try to sit on the couch."

RORY

Whoa, I love the emptiness.

LORELAI

Ah, means we can talk during the movie.

LUKE

Would people being here have stopped you?

LORELAI

We would have hesitated ever so slightly.

RORY

Food, food!

KIRK

Hello, everybody, and welcome to the "Black, White, and Read Theater". How are we all doing tonight?

LORELAI

Good, Kirk. How are you?

KIRK

Good, I'm Kirk. I'm very proud to announce that tonight's feature presentation is the classic "Cool Hand Luke." [ Rory and Lorelai cheer ] But I'm deeply sorry to report that the first reel of the movie inexplicably caught fire earlier this evening.

RORY

Oh, no!

LORELAI

That's what happens when Richard Pryor is your projectionist.

KIRK

I can still show you the film, but you'd miss the first 25 minutes. I'd be happy to recap what you'd miss, or even act it out for you. I must say, I do a wicked George Kennedy.

RORY

[politely inquires to the others] What do you think?

LUKE

[nabs another fry] First 25 minutes are pretty important.

DEAN

I agree.

LORELAI

But having Kirk reenact things can be pretty disturbing. He totally ruined "Last Tango in Paris" for me.

RORY

What are our options in place of "Cool Hand," Kirk?

KIRK

I can offer you anything from the theater's library of films.

LORELAI

What have you got?

KIRK

A series of graphically violent driver's education films or "The Adventures of Pippi Longstocking."

RORY

Pippi!

LORELAI

Yay! Pippi! "Annika, it's Pippi!"

KIRK

"Pippi Longstocking" it is. Enjoy your film. [he exits]

LORLEAI

How long has it been since we've seen "Pippi Longstocking?"

RORY

Too long.

LORELAI

That's gotta be one of our most watched films ever.

RORY

Oh, it's up there.

DEAN

I've seen it at least three times with you two.

LUKE

[absently munches on another French fry] Isn't it some kind of kids movie?

LORELAI

Wait a minute. Have you never seen this movie?

LUKE

Never.

LORELAI

[gravely looks at Rory] We got us a "Pippi" virgin.

RORY

[solemnly] I didn't think there were any left.

LORELAI

[To Luke] And it's not a kids movie.

RORY

It's a classic of surrealism.

LORELAI

And bizarre cinematography.

RORY

And atonal singing.

LORLEAI

And forced acting.

LUKE

What happened to her hair?

LORELAI

She's between stylists now. It's very awkward.

LUKE

Unbelievable.

MOVIE VOICE

...A monkey and a horse, a suitcase full of golden coins and you amazed...

LORELAI

You okay?

LUKE

Yeah, yeah. Of course.

PIPPI

Of course I will. I'll behave just like a fine lady.

DEAN

Not a bad effect.

RORY

I don't think George Lucas is shaking in his boots, though.

LORELAI

I've always wanted to lift an immense quadruped over my head.

LUKE

Shh.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

I can't hear anything.

LORELAI

Oh. I'll speak up.

LUKE

Not you -- the movie.

LITTLE TOMMY IN FILM

[holds up immense shoes with curling toes] Why do you wear such large shoes?

PIPPI

[soaks her bare feet in a large tub of water] I love wiggling my toes, and I need plenty of room.

CHILD'S VOICE

Hey, look at her.

LUKE

[curiously serious] I still don't understand why every merchant in town takes her gold coins as payment without questioning where she got them..

LORELAI

Her father's a cannibal king. Everyone knows they're lousy with gold.

LUKE

This was a book, right? I should get the book. [he glances down to see Dean snacking on the tub of popcorn] Hey, you want to pass the popcorn there, buddy?

DEAN

[sheepishly hands the tub over] Oh, yeah. Sorry.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, we're below quarter full with the tub. You guys wanna fetch a refill?

RORY

Sure. And drinks.

LUKE

Thanks, Rory.

DEAN

Kirk? Kirk? Yo. [nudges a foot and interrupts Kirk and Lulu making out.]

RORY

Hey, Lulu.

LULU

[grins sheepishly] Hi, Rory. Hi, Dean.

DEAN

Hi. [rattles the near empty tub] We're needing more popcorn.

KIRK

Coming up. [to Lulu] Hold that thought

LULU

I will.

KIRK

Boy, "Pippi"'s a great make-out movie. Much better than "Blood on the Highway" or "That's my Daughter's Head."

LORELAI

Hey, Cool Hand?

LUKE

Hmm?

LORELAI

Try to drop the 'tude.

LUKE

What 'tude?

LORELAI

You practically barked at Dean to pass the popcorn.

LUKE

I didn't bark at him. Besides, he was hogging it.

LORELAI

Mm-hmm. Say "popcorn" more nicely, please.

LUKE

I'll try.

LORELAI

Good.

LUKE

Does he have to be all over her like that?

LORELAI

Who? Kirk? It's healthy for him. His complexion has never been better.

LUKE

Dean.

LORELAI

All they were doing was holding hands.

LUKE

[dryly] Yeah. It was that innocent.

LORELAI

Unless he has a third hand, he wasn't holding anything he wasn't supposed to be holding.

LUKE

And the way he grabbed that drink from her and started slurping on it.

LORELAI

She gave it to him to drink. Come on, chill. For me. And for Rory. It's important.

LUKE

I said I will, and I will.

LORELAI

Thanks, guys.

RORY

Mm-hmm.

LUKE

[slightly exaggerated] Thank you, Dean.

DEAN

No problem.

LANE

Hi, Zach.

ZACH

I got something to say.

LANE

Okay.

ZACH

You've known me for two years. You've seen the good and the bad.

LANE

[enthusiastically] Oh, yeah! [noting his serious expression] I mean, yes.

ZACH

You probably know me better than most people, including my parents. Neither of them have seen me cry during "Dances With Wolves," and you have.

LANE

What's this about, Zach?

ZACH

You, of all people, know that it takes me a while to process things, okay? You saw how long it took me to get that chord change in "Brian's Tune."

LANE

It was a tricky chord change. It wasn't your fault.

ZACH

[exasperated] Whatever. It's just the way it is. Now, I may not be fast, but that's what we're dealing with here. And this issue with me and you is going to take longer than a chord change, okay?

LANE

Sure.

ZACH

I hope you weren't expecting an "Officer and a Gentleman" kind of thing when I came in just now.

LANE

I was not expecting that.

ZACH

Good. So we clear?

LANE

Yes.

ZACH

Good. [nods and glances around unsure]

LANE

You want something to eat?

ZACH

Yes.

LANE

Name it.

ZACH

Give me a minute, okay?

LANE

Sorry. Sure. Take a minute. [She smiles quietly as she watches Zach]

LUKE

Did she own that house she lived in before she rode the horse into town, or did she buy it with her gold coins?

RORY

That's a good question.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, I see a prequel in the works. "The Adventures of Pippi in Escrow."

DEAN

I'd go see it.

LORELAI

So, beverages. Shout 'em out.

RORY

Water.

LUKE

Beer.

DEAN

Yeah, beer sounds good.

LUKE

[ Chuckles ] Oh, you're serious. You want a beer?

DEAN

Yeah.

LUKE

Yeah, okay. Bring him a beer. He's not driving... [under his breath] or 21.

DEAN

Fine. I won't have a beer.

LUKE

[dryly] No, buddy, go ahead. Have a beer if you want one. You're tall. You've got slacks. You can have one.

DEAN

I don't want one anymore.

LORELAI

Can I substitute something for you?

DEAN

Water, I guess.

LUKE

Put some barley and hops in it, buddy. No one's judging here.

DEAN

[firmly] Water.

RORY

We have good water here, right Mom?

LORELAI

[rapid-fire speech] Oh, yeah -- and I'll bring out a couple of extra beers, and those of us who want them can grab them as need be. Just keep an eye on Rory, or she'll grab them all for herself.

RORY

[replies with equally fast chatter] I'll try to refrain. Need help?

LORELAI

[says quickly before exiting to kitchen] No, you stay, entertain. I'll be right back.

RORY

Hey, remember when you guys were on a softball team together?

DEAN

It was just a pickup game.

RORY

But you guys played a neighboring town, right? I forget which one. Um... but I do remember that you guys did Stars Hollow proud. In fact, I think it's probably the best team Stars Hollow has ever thrown. Or however you would word that phrase I attempted in the proper softball vernacular.

LUKE

Yeah, well, I haven't played in awhile.

DEAN

[quietly] Same here.

RORY

Dum de dum dum dum.

LORELAI

What's that? A song?

RORY

No, it's just dum de dum dum.

LORELAI

Okay. Well, here are the beverages. [sets tray on coffee table]

DEAN

Thanks.

LUKE

Thanks. [takes a sip]

LORELAI

[glances around the tense room.] I'll be right back.

RORY

[frantically follows] Where are you going?

LORELAI

It's time to bring out the Bop It.

RORY

[ Gasps ] Bop It! Yes, yes! Good idea.

LORELAI

Hey, look what I found. Bop It! Who wants to play?

RORY

[exaggerated excitement] I want to play!

LORELAI

Let's all play. You guys know how to play?

DEAN

[somewhat unenthusiastically] I've played it here before.

RORY

Yeah, he has.

LORELAI

Yeah, I remember. Hey, Cool Hand.

LUKE

What is it?

LORELAI

Oh, well... each guy holds one of the handles. [Rory and Lorelai both grip a handle] And you start up, and then you do whatever it says. You twist it or pull it or Bop It until one of you's out. [Luke watches them unimpressed] Watch. I'll be yellow. You be green.

GAME VOICE

Twist it. [Lorelai quickly twists yellow knob]. Pull it. [Lorelai pulls another knob] Bop it. [Lorelai reacts before Rory can move.]. Yellow. [switches to Rory's turn ]. Flick it. [Rory hesitates... ]. Ow! [Lorelai grins as Rory is defeated]

LORELAI

Okay, you try it. [to Luke and Dean, neither look impressed.]

RORY

Come on. [encouragingly to Dean]

LORELAI

It looks like Luke is green, and Dean is yellow.

RORY

We've got ourselves a contest here.

LORELAI

Yep. [The two men stand facing each other without reacting]

DEAN

You wanna do a practice run?

LUKE

It's not that complicated.

DEAN

Okay. Here we go. [he activates the game]

GAME VOICE

Twist it. [Dean twists the yellow knob ] Spin it. [ Luke spins another knob]. Pull it. [Dean hurriedly pulls another knob]. Pull it. [Dean quickly reacts as they both struggle with the plastic game]. Flick it. [Luke reacts quickly. They both struggle harder as they grip the game.].

LORELAI

Don't hurt the Bop It, guys. It's got feelings too.

GAME VOICE

Pull it. [Luke quickly reacts]. Bop it. [Luke reacts again roughly].

RORY

Looks like it's a draw.

LORELAI

Good going, guys. Why don't you take a break? [but they continue playing determinedly.]

GAME VOICE

Green. Twist it. Twist it. Twist it. Bop it. [Dean misses a turn] Ow! Green wins!

LUKE

[taunting as he waves the plastic toy] Yeah! In your face! In your face!

DEAN

Fine. You won.

LUKE

[gloating] I hammered you, buddy.

DEAN

It's just a stupid game.

LUKE

Says the loser. [He walks off. The girls both look very unhappy.]

DEAN

[shrugs to the girls] I gotta go.

RORY

Already? [she stands to follow him to the door]

DEAN

Yeah, it's getting late. Thank you, Lorelai. Thanks for everything.

LORELAI

[warmly] You're welcome, Dean. Anytime.

DEAN

[quietly] I'll call you later.

RORY

Okay. [they kiss] Yeah, call me.

RORY

Thanks a lot.

LUKE

What did I do?

LORELAI

Rory...

RORY

We shouldn't have gone out like this if people didn't want to.

LUKE

No, Rory, I wanted to.

RORY

You made no effort.

LUKE

I did. I swear.

LORELAI

Look, we can talk about this later.

LUKE

He had some sort of chip on his shoulder.

RORY

Oh, come on, Luke. You're the reason we had to pull out the Bop It.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Bop It's what we bring out for social gatherings that need mouth to mouth.

RORY

I'm going back to school. [grabs her jacket and pull it on]

LUKE

Rory, wait. I feel awful here.

RORY

No, it's okay. Whatever. Bye, Mom. [gives her a quick kiss]

LORELAI

Bye, honey. Drive safely.

LUKE

[helplessly watches her leave] Yeah, drive safe. [ Sighs ] I feel awful.

LORELAI

Well, it's -- you know, it's my fault. I forced this.

LUKE

It's not your fault. I shouldn't have said yes to a double date.

LORELAI

Well, I wanted to do this.

LUKE

But I can't be around that guy. I knew that, and I said yes anyway.

LORELAI

Why can't you be around him?

LUKE

Because he's not good for her.

LORELAI

Luke...

LUKE

[adamantly] He's not. He's not right for her.

LORELAI

You're mad at Dean from years past. What's past is past. They're a couple now. Do you even remember why you're mad at him?

LUKE

He's a punk. That's what I remember. Just look at his history. He broke her heart before.

LORELAI

Their problems were mutual. You don't know the whole story.

LUKE

[emphatically] He got married and bailed out before the honeymoon was even over.

LORELAI

When you're young, you make mistakes.

LUKE

He was pining for Rory, and he got married. That's unstable.

LORELAI

He's 19. Give him a break.

LUKE

He doesn't know what he wants. He's proven that. How can Rory trust him now?

LORELAI

Matters of the heart are not science. There are no sure things.

LUKE

[stubbornly] He's not good enough for her.

LORELAI

Well, who is? Jess?

LUKE

No, not Jess. A prince, maybe. One that's in line to be king. Not one of those waiting-for-a-brother-to-die ones, but a real one. If not a prince, someone who's gonna be good for her. You know, Rory is like Pippi.

LORELAI

Pippi?

LUKE

She can have adventures and be free, she's smart. The whole world's waiting for her.

LORELAI

[disbelief] You're comparing Rory to Pippi Longstocking?

LUKE

[counting attributes on his fingers] Pippi is strong and independent. She can lift a horse above her head. Uh-huh. And beat up bullies and build a hot-air balloon. She's unique, like Rory. But I guarantee you, if Pippi had met Dean, [Lorelai sighs] there would be no horse, no balloons. He'd drag her down to his level, spend all her gold coins, and poof, like that, all her dreams would be gone.

LORELAI

It's Rory's choice who she chooses to be with. Not yours, not mine.

LUKE

Does it feel right to you? Are you okay with this Rory-and-Dean thing?

LORELAI

[quietly] I just need this to work.

LUKE

Look at me. Not stopping till he's upset every person that means anything in the world to him in one night. [he pulls her into a long tight hug. After a long pause...] You want a beer?

LORELAI

Yes. [ She sighs as they both sit on the sofa ] Maybe if I brought out the Twister.

LUKE

Maybe.

EMILY

Who is it?

RICHARD

I hope this isn't a bad time.

EMILY

No, I was just catching up on some correspondence.

RICHARD

I just wanted to let you know that our property tax bill is wrong this year. I'm contesting it. In case they call here, I wanted to let you know.

EMILY

Fine. Thank you.

RICHARD

You're welcome. [He takes a step as if to leave. After a pause Emily returns to her letters] Oh, and I've joined a barbershop quartet.

EMILY

Oh.

RICHARD

Yeah, we do it up right. Dress in period costumes. These silly vests and things. We've performed a couple of times at charity events.

EMILY

[small private smile] All right.

RICHARD

It's part of a barbershop chorus. That's a group of about 30.

EMILY

[smiles] Very good.

RICHARD

I guess I'll be going. [He turns to leave and spies the large metal structure in the foyer.]

EMILY

I bought a panic room.

RICHARD

[showing no reaction as he looks back] Very good. [He leaves]

RORY

Hey.

DEAN

Hi. [grins with good humor] Well, I guess that was a bust, huh?

RORY

Sorry. Maybe it was too soon.

DEAN

Well, your mom was real nice.

RORY

She was great.

DEAN

Thank her for me, okay?

RORY

I will. It was fun for a while there, though, wasn't it? [smiling while remembering]

DEAN

[grins comfortably] Yeah. The movie was. It was real fun.

RORY

[slightly wistful] Like the old days.

DEAN

Like the old days. [after a pause] I'd invite you over, but Kyle's entertaining some buddies.

RORY

I should go anyway. Want a ride?

DEAN

I'm almost there.

RORY

Okay. Kiss. [he leans in and they kiss sweetly] Bye.

DEAN

Bye.