T5E7: “You Jump, I Jump, Jack”

LORELAI

Oh, I'm late.

EMILY

I know.

LORELAI

Blame the insane people driving in front of me. They had a "honk if you love to scuba dive" bumper sticker on the back of their car, so I honked.

EMILY

You don't scuba dive.

LORELAI

Yes, but I've been testing people who have "honk" bumper stickers lately to see if they really want people to honk. Guess what? They don't. I lay on my horn, and this alleged scuba diver slows to a crawl in front of me just out of revenge, and I'm screwed.

EMILY

You need a hobby.

LORELAI

Yes, actually.

EMILY

Come on, Rory's waiting.

RORY

Hey, what happened?

EMILY

She honked.

RORY

Oh, another bumper sticker test.

LORELAI

I just thought up a great idea for a reality show. You pull people over who have those "honk if you love whatever" bumper stickers, you kidnap them, and you make them do whatever the bumper sticker says they like to do, whether they do it or not. And then you make them eat bugs.

EMILY

So I hear you have a new boyfriend.

LORELAI

(gasps)

How did you - ?

RORY

Not from me.

EMILY

Don't jump on Rory.

LORELAI

How, Mom?

EMILY

Kirk told me.

RORY

Kirk?

LORELAI

Kirk who?

EMILY

How many Kirks do you know?

LORELAI

My Kirk? Stars Hollow Kirk? Kirk who hasn't started shaving yet, Kirk? How did you find out from him?

EMILY

I called the Inn looking for you, and Michel answered, but he was in the middle of some argument with the horse veterinarian. Then there was a cracking sound and the phone went dead. Then there was another man's voice saying "hello".

LORELAI

Kirk?

EMILY

Bob.

LORELAI

The gardener?

RORY

More twists than Oh Henry.

EMILY

He told me something in a heavy spanish accent, all while Michel was yelling at the vet in French -

LORELAI

I'll be, the UN erupts.

EMILY

Then Kirk came on. He was there delivering something. And when I told him I was looking for you, he said you were probably at your boyfriend Luke Danes' house. Now why were you hiding it from me?

LORELAI

I wasn't hiding it.

EMILY

You jumped on Rory when you thought she told me. You were hiding it.

RORY

She did not jump on me, Grandma.

LORELAI

Yeah, and I wasn't hiding it. The only reason I reacted to Kirk the way that I did is that he's not in this world, he's in my other world. It's as if I, out of the blue, told you I was having tea with Mrs. Van Uppity.

EMILY

Who?

LORELAI

Hortence Van Uppity, tight bun, lace collar, tiny poodle... fictional friend?

EMILY

You keep so much from me with these separate worlds of yours. It's not right.

LORELAI

I will try harder to merge the worlds. I promise.

EMILY

Well, start now. I want to meet this Luke Danes.

LORELAI

You've met him.

EMILY

Not in this capacity. I need to re-meet him.

LORELAI

Well, I'm sure that day will come.

EMILY

Next week.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

You have a gentleman friend of significance.

LORELAI

Rhett is my gentleman friend, yes.

EMILY

So it's only proper that you introduce him to your mother. Unless he's insignificant; I don't want to meet a passing ship. That's a waste of my time. Is Luke a passing ship? Is he insignificant?

LORELAI

No, he's not

EMILY

I'll get my book and we will pick a date next week.

LORELAI

Mom -

EMILY

Next week.

LORELAI

I -

EMILY

Next week.

RORY

Honk if Emily Gilmore views your mind as her personal playground.

LORELAI

Honk, honk.

DOYLE

We eat it, we breathe it, it's our heart and lungs. What is it? The three basics: accuracy, accuracy, and accuracy. It's my head that went up on a platter, okay? So go the extra yard. Protect my head.

RORY

Headache, Doyle?

DOYLE

Charles Graw used to eat aspirin like candy. He ate candy like candy, too, hence the belly like jell-o. That was mean. The man's dead. So, how's the story coming? On that secret society.

RORY

The Life and Death Brigade. Get this. I've got a contact.

DOYLE

Inside?

RORY

Deep inside.

DOYLE

Who?

RORY

Anonymous. Don't ask again.

DOYLE

Your call.

RORY

I'm going to tell this story from the inside.

DOYLE

You'll be careful?

RORY

Careful enough.

DOYLE

Well, stay on it.

RORY

You bet.

DOYLE

I love this. We just had a very All the President's Men moment.

RORY

Very.

DOYLE

Moving around the newsroom like that, felt good.

RORY

Let's do it again sometime.

DOYLE

Now?

RORY

Might look silly.

DOYLE

Carry on.

RORY

Right, Chief.

CAESAR

There you are.

LANE

Club sandwich, burger well done, fries. Let me know if you need anything.

LANE

Hey. What's up? You're acting all squirrelly.

ZACH

I'm ready now.

LANE

For what?

ZACH

To date.

LANE

Wow.

ZACH

That offer's still good, right?

LANE

Yeah, still good.

ZACH

Okay. So, we should pick a time.

LANE

Sure.

ZACH

How about now?

LANE

I'm kind of working.

ZACH

Right. How about tonight?

LANE

I've got band practice.

ZACH

Right.

LANE

And so do you.

ZACH

'Cause we're in the same band. Okay. So, we'll figure it out.

LANE

We'll figure it out.

ZACH

Cool.

ZACH

See you at home.

LANE

Yeah, see you.

ZACH

Okay.

LORELAI

Hey, Lane, how's it going?

LANE

Good, very good.

LORELAI

Oh, well, lucky you.

LUKE

Hey.

LORELAI

How dark is it?

LUKE

How dark is what?

LORELAI

The cumulus nimbus hovering over my head.

LUKE

Huh?

LORELAI

The black cloud. Was that a drop?

LUKE

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

I have some very bad news.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

My mother is insisting on having dinner with us.

LUKE

That's it?

LORELAI

Did you hear what I said? Mother, dinner, us? That's on a par with car, test, crash test dummy. Don't worry, I'm going to do whatever it takes to get us out of this. I promise.

LUKE

Why?

LORELAI

What do you mean, why?

LUKE

Let's just do it, get it over with. Meeting the parents comes with the territory. We can't put it off forever.

LORELAI

Oh yeah? My fourth grade teacher wanted a meeting with my parents. She was hit by a bus six years ago. Never got the meeting.

LUKE

Book it.

LORELAI

Luke!

LUKE

Book it.

LORELAI

Okay. But I'm warning you. If I call and tell her, and then you change your mind and you want to back out, we're going to have to leave the country. And have extensive facial surgery, and sex changes. Both of us, so that we can, you know, kiss and not look funny.

LUKE

I'm not going to change my mind.

LORELAI

Okay, fine, I'll just call her now (pulls out her cell phone) - oh, whoa, what is happening? Something dark is happening here. It is heavy like iron. Oh, did you feel that ice cold wind that just passed through?

LUKE

Make the call.

LORELAI

I see dead people.

LUKE

Make the call.

LUKE

This is a house?

LORELAI

This is a house.

LUKE

What a waste! See, this is what causes peasants to revolt. This is how heads end up on pikes.

LORELAI

Open with that. That's a great icebreaker. Now listen, I want you to be careful about your consumption of booze.

LUKE

I'm not going to drink too much.

LORELAI

No, no, no. You've got it backwards, there, Pablo. Ride the pink elephant, baby, 'cause it's your only defense against Emily Gilmore unless you're packing a Kolishnikov.

LUKE

Yeah, yeah. Shouldn't we ring the doorbell or something? (He rings the bell.)

LORELAI

Oh, a little strategy. (Picks up a plant stake and starts drawing in the dirt.) Here's the front door. We're here. Drink cart's here. It's knock, knock. Open the door. "Hi." "Hi." Turn left, veer right, past the couch, we're at the booze. Any questions?

LUKE

Uh, yeah. Shouldn't you get a massage or something?

LORELAI

Take off your coat.

LUKE

It's cold.

LORELAI

No, it's time consuming. Roll it in a ball and have it ready to hand off to the maid. Yeah.

LORELAI

Hi, hello.

MAID

Hi, come in please.

LORELAI

Thank you. (Luke takes the plant stake.) Sorry.

MAID

Can I take your coats?

LORELAI

Yeah, got mine all ready.

MAID

Alright.

LUKE

Here you go. I'm Luke.

MAID

I'm a maid.

LUKE

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

LORELAI

Oh, that was so sweet and innocent.

EMILY

Well, well, our honored guest. Welcome.

LORELAI

Mom, Luke. Luke, Mom.

EMILY

We've met, Lorelai. Several times.

LORELAI

Well, I was just "re-introducing" you, as per your instructions.

LUKE

Good to see you again, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

Ah, no, it's Emily. I insist.

LUKE

Nice to see you, Emily.

LORELAI

Drinks?

EMILY

We're in the foyer.

LORELAI

Let's change that.

EMILY

Not if Luke wants a tour.

LORELAI

(pointing)

Oh, okay, well, foyer, staircase, upstairs, dining room, kitchen, weird piano area that we never really named, and right through here is the living room. (She goes.)

LUKE

Yeah, uh, I don't need a tour. Thanks.

EMILY

Well, then, let's go in the living room.

LUKE

Your house is beautiful.

EMILY

They don't make them like this anymore.

LUKE

I'll say.

EMILY

They make everything out of cardboard now. White boxes with heating vents.

LUKE

Yeah. The art of craftsmanship is dead.

LORELAI

Gin.

EMILY

Do you have Tourette's or something?

LORELAI

I'm sorry. I thought I heard you say what would I like to drink.

EMILY

I was getting there.

LORELAI

Gin martini, please.

EMILY

I already made a pitcher of martinis, but they're vodka.

LORELAI

Vodka's perfect. Double with a twist.

EMILY

So, two cold martinis with a twist, and Luke, how would you like a beer?

LUKE

Great.

LORELAI

Or maybe Luke would like to choose his own drink. That's a thought.

EMILY

Oh, yes, I'm sorry Luke. You can have whatever you like. I've got it all.

LUKE

Beer is perfect.

EMILY

Beer it is.

LORELAI

No, no, she's got everything. She's got scotch, she's got rum, she's got, uh, whiskey, she's got red wine, she's not kidding, she's got it all.

LUKE

Beer is perfect.

LORELAI

Okay, bring him a beer.

EMILY

Here we are.

LORELAI

Thank you.

LUKE

Thank you, Emily.

EMILY

The beer is nice and cold. I almost want one myself.

LUKE

Hey, uh, you can have some of mine if you want.

EMILY

So, how's that diner of yours?

LORELAI

Uh...

LUKE

It's doing great. No matter what the economic climate, people gotta eat.

EMILY

That is so true. And I thought your place was very charming. Nice and rustic. (Lorelai clears her throat.)

EMILY

Do you need a cough drop?

LUKE

She's fine.

EMILY

Where'd your martini go?

LORELAI

To a happy place.

EMILY

Do you want another?

LORELAI

Does Pavarotti want another donut?

EMILY

That's a yes?

LUKE

I'll pour it, Emily.

EMILY

Thank you, Luke. I should go check on dinner. Will you excuse me?

LUKE

Absolutely.

EMILY

Thank you. (She goes.)

LUKE

Unbelievable.

LORELAI

I know, she didn't make nearly enough.

LUKE

I meant you, you're acting crazy.

LORELAI

She's insulting you!

LUKE

No, she's not. Your mom's being great.

LORELAI

What? Were you in the room? Did you not hear the awful things she said?

LUKE

What did she say?

LORELAI

Rustic diner? Rustic?

LUKE

So?

LORELAI

Backhand slang for crap pile.

LUKE

Or she was admiring its vintage feel.

LORELAI

Oh, what was the other word she used?

LUKE

Charming?

LORELAI

Ah, slang for doggie poopy.

LUKE

Unbelievable.

LORELAI

Wait, wait, what was the beer thing? Oh my God!

LUKE

That was nice. I wanted beer, she was considerate enough to anticipate that that might be the case.

LORELAI

The word beer, backhand slang for nitwit juice.

LUKE

You're reading way too much into this.

LORELAI

Excuse me, but I would defer to the Gilmore expert here. I am the oracle. I carry all the knowledge.

LUKE

Well, I would like you to calm down, because you're making me nervous.

LORELAI

I'm trying to protect you.

LUKE

I'm a grown man, and this isn't my first foray into the big city. I've dealt with all types of people in my life. Rich, poor, snobby, proud. I can handle it.

LORELAI

But -

LUKE

And by you jumping in after everything your mother says, makes me look weak. And I don't want to look weak.

LORELAI

I don't want you to either!

LUKE

Well, then, give me my space, okay? Please.

LORELAI

Okay, I'll give you your space.

EMILY

Dinner is going to be as good as it smells, I guarantee it.

LUKE

It smells wonderful, Emily.

EMILY

Thank you, Luke. It's nice to have a kind gentleman in the house.

LUKE

Thank you.

EMILY

So, you're recently divorced?

LUKE

Uh, yeah, I guess. Although, it depends on what you'd call recently.

EMILY

In the last year, you've been divorced in the last year, that would be recent.

LUKE

Uh, yeah. Yes.

EMILY

Terrible, the divorce rate, isn't it.

LUKE

Yes, it's terrible.

EMILY

I'm sure it was inevitable in your case.

LUKE

Turned out that way.

EMILY

I hope there weren't children.

LUKE

No.

EMILY

Divorce destroys children. But, without children, you're only harming yourself. Of course, nowadays people get married for fun. Apparently there's nothing good on TV.

DEAN'S VOICE

Hey. It's Dean. Uh, so, we were supposed to get together day after tomorrow, but I have to cancel - again. One day, I'm going to have one job, not three, which will simplify everything. I hope. Anyway, um, I was hoping we could somehow hook up tomorrow night, I forget if you have something going on, but I've got a three hour window, and I was thinking dinner or something. Maybe we can meet halfway between Yale and Stars Hollow. That probably puts us on the interstate, meaning the six ninety-nine surf and turf special, but hell, I'm a cheap date. Uh, so, not the most romantic get together for us, but something's better than nothing. Let me know. Bye.

ANSWERING MACHINE

End of messages.

EMILY

Diners are generally so filthy. I'm sure yours isn't, but the horror stories you hear. I read that one in Vermont got caught serving roadkill. Do you know what that is?

LUKE

Uh, yeah, it's, uh, dead animals from the street.

EMILY

From the street, from the backyard, fished out of pools. These diners find it and serve it. Again, probably not yours. But the fact that this place got away with it at all is astounding. I guess people who frequent diners don't look too closely at what they're eating out of self defense.

LUKE

We don't serve roadkill at my place.

EMILY

Well good for you. (pause.) I had a friend who ate at a diner once and the next day she dropped dead. Her family considered suing the place but there's nothing to get from these people. A couple of stools and a toaster. But they were sure it was a matter of hygiene and they eventually drove them out of the state. I don't want to tell you what they found when they moved the stove. Would you like another beer, Luke?

EMILY

... Opiate for the masses. Well, so what? We all have our opiates. For some it's valet, for Luke it's baseball. Whoever I heard say it just happened to say it about what Luke likes. Oh, no! Some workman has left his filthy truck in our clean driveway! Richard must have sent for him.

LUKE

Oh, that's mine, actually.

EMILY

Oh. Well, it's nice. Rustic. I like the color.

LUKE

Thank you.

EMILY

And I like this coat of yours, there's something nice about simple cloth.

LUKE

Thanks.

EMILY

Well, this was wonderful. Don't be a stranger, all right?

LUKE

I won't. Thank you, Emily.

EMILY

Goodbye. Bye, Lorelai. (She goes back inside.)

LORELAI

Bye, Mom.

LUKE

Thanks, again.

LUKE

You know what's amazing, I mean truly amazing.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

She never said anything directly bad about me or the diner or anything else concerning me.

LORELAI

She's good.

LUKE

And all I did was thank her. Over and over. She'd hammer me, and I'd thank her.

LORELAI

It's a talent.

LUKE

"Rustic" really did sound like crap pile that time.

LORELAI

Come on, babe. You'll feel better about halfway home.

LUKE

Good.

LORELAI

Then the eye-popping nausea will hit you. The rich food mixes with the bitter memories and it all gets worse, and then it gets better.

LUKE

Good.

LORELAI

Until you get to Route 44, and then you hit bottom.

LUKE

Good. Great.

LORELAI

I'll be ready with a tongue depressor to keep you from swallowing your tongue. I keep them in my purse. Step up.

LOGAN

Hey, Ace, you ready? (reaches around a corner and pulls her by the arm.)

RORY

Well -

LOGAN

Hit it!

FINN

Ah! Not so loud!

STEPHANIE

You're very auditorily sensitive today.

FINN

Oh, and your voice helps.

COLIN

Is the blindfold secure?

LOGAN

Secure and in place.

COLIN

Our anonymity's crucial, Logan. Crucial.

RORY

What's wrong with Finn?

COLIN

Great job with the blindfold, Logan.

RORY

I recognized your voices, Colin.

FINN

Could everyone keep it down, please.

RORY

Can we remove the blindfold now?

LOGAN

We're also hiding our destination.

FINN

We had to leave at this ungodly hour.

RORY

It's four in the afternoon.

LOGAN

He's got a thing about the sun.

FINN

It's too bright.

RORY

So how come you're not wearing your gorilla masks?

COLIN

She can see.

RORY

I can tell because your voices aren't muffled.

STEPHANIE

She's sharp.

RORY

Who's the girl?

STEPHANIE

I've been told we've met. I've no memory of it.

RORY

Oh, Gorilla Girl.

STEPHANIE

Oh, well, isn't that a pretty nickname.

LOGAN

Oh, by the way, this thing's overnight.

RORY

Overnight?

LOGAN

Didn't I mention that before?

RORY

Oh, must have slipped your mind.

LOGAN

That doesn't screw up anything for you, does it?

RORY

No.

LOGAN

No?

RORY

Nope.

LOGAN

Hmm. Loose schedule. Good.

FINN

We like our schedules loose, like our women.

COLIN

Clever.

FINN

My God, it's early.

LUKE

Luke's.

VOICE

Good afternoon, I'm calling for Mr. Luke Danes.

LUKE

This is Luke Danes.

VOICE

Please hold for Mr. Gilmore.

LUKE

What? For who? Hello?

RICHARD

Luke? Richard Gilmore here.

LUKE

Uh, uh, hi, Richard. Mr. Gilmore, sir, how are you?

RICHARD

I'm fine, thank you. Listen, I thought we could meet for a round of golf, you and I.

LUKE

Golf?

RICHARD

Tomorrow afternoon's good for me.

LUKE

Uh-huh.

RICHARD

Is that good for you?

LUKE

Well, uh...

RICHARD

Good. I'll have Margie call you back with the details.

LUKE

... Okay.

RICHARD

Wonderful, I look forward to it. See you at the club.

LUKE

Yeah, see you at the club.

FINN

This mountain air has revivified me. (Laughs and runs off.)

LOGAN

Make sure he doesn't run off a cliff.

COLIN

Stephanie, it's your turn.

STEPHANIE

Finn! You slow down! (Grabs a lantern and follows.)

LOGAN

You okay?

RORY

I smell trees.

LOGAN

Oh, nothing gets past you. (Grabs a lantern and leads Rory into the woods.)

RORY

So the firing squad is just up ahead?

LOGAN

Yup, and there's a line. Damn.

RORY

Seriously, Logan, is the blindfold coming off, or am I Patty Hearst-ing it the whole trip?

LOGAN

It's coming off. It's coming off right now. (Pulls it off.)

RORY

Oh, my.

LORELAI

(on cordless phone)

You cannot go golfing with my father.

LUKE

It's a done deal.

LORELAI

What is that man up to? What is he doing?

LUKE

Ouch.

LORELAI

What are you doing?

LUKE

I'm looking for a book my dad had somewhere around here. "Learn Golf the Arnold Palmer Way." I can't find it.

LORELAI

I beseech you. Do not go golfing with my father.

LUKE

It's too late. I said yes.

LORELAI

Why? Why did you say yes?

LUKE

I had no choice.

LORELAI

Well, saying no is a choice. Did you learn nothing from the dinner with my mother?

LUKE

Apparently not.

LORELAI

Call him and cancel.

LUKE

Right, and how would he take that?

LORELAI

Badly, that's why you just hang up real quick.

LUKE

And this is a good way to start a relationship with your father.

LORELAI

No, this is the way to end it. God, you're slow. Listen, call him and tell him that, um, when he called, you had just dropped some paoti, and you were tripping, and you were seeing vapors, and that's why you agreed, but then you landed and realized that you can't go. Wait, do you smoke paoti? We should get that straight before you call him.

LUKE

Backing out will make it worse.

LORELAI

But do you even know how to play golf?

LUKE

I took a course in summer school but I accidentally hit Kent Calida in the head with a driver and got asked to leave, but I think I remember the basics. Grab the club, whack a ball. I'll fake it.

LORELAI

Luke -

LUKE

Don't worry, I'll be fine.

LORELAI

(sighing)

Okay. Fine then, bye.

LORELAI

Hi, Dad. I need a favor. The biggest favor I may ever ask you for, ever.

RICHARD

I don't like the sound of this.

LORELAI

Please cancel this golf game with Luke.

RICHARD

What? No!

LORELAI

But why? Why are you doing this? What is the point?

RICHARD

How is this even your business?

LORELAI

He's my boyfriend.

RICHARD

And this is my right. Your mother already met him. At a secret dinner I only found out about because her blabbermouth maid told my valet. So now, I want to meet him.

LORELAI

But you've already met him.

RICHARD

Well I need to re-meet him.

LORELAI

Why can't you and mom meet someone once and make it stick?

RICHARD

I insist upon this golf game.

LORELAI

He doesn't even golf.

RICHARD

He said he did.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, he whacked Kent Calida in the head with a club, okay? So you're taking your life in your own hands. You want to reconsider now, huh? You like your head, huh?

RICHARD

Lorelai, tee time is set, Luke has said yes to my proposal, and tomorrow he and I are golfing.

LORELAI

Have fun.

RICHARD

This is not about having fun, this is protocol.

LORELAI

Well, have a good protocol, Dad. Bye. (hangs up.)

LOGAN

Is this what you expected?

RORY

No, not at all what I expected.

LOGAN

Let me guess what you were thinking: sleeping bag, flashlights, keg, three boxes of stale Triscuits, half eaten bag of Oreos, some Doritos and a bong.

RORY

That may be exactly what I pictured.

LOGAN

You can apologize later. This is yours. (Opens a tent.)

RORY

Mine?

LOGAN

Not much closet space, but the view's decent.

RORY

It's cozy. (She goes inside.)

LOGAN

Festivities start in half an hour. (He leaves.)

RORY

Dean, hi. It's me. I got your call. I would love to have dinner with you tonight, but something unbelievably unexpected came up, and it's going to keep me busy for a couple of days. I'd give you more info, but it's all a little Dali-esque and hard to explain. I'll fill you in when I get home. If I get home. Just kidding. I hope. Bye. (She hangs up and pulls out her notepad. An owl hoots in the distance.)

ZACH

Am I early?

LANE

Right on time.

ZACH

You look good.

LANE

Thanks, so do you. Have I seen those pants?

ZACH

I got them from the bottom of my drawer. I forgot I had them.

LANE

Cool. So what do you feel like doing?

ZACH

We could drive somewhere. We just have to stop for gas... and add some oil, and put some air in the tires, and we'd have to stop by an ATM.

LANE

Or we could hang out here.

ZACH

Sure.

LANE

Yeah.

ZACH

Okay! Cool. Let's get a pizza, and watch something, and just hang out.

LANE

Great! (She hands him her purse and jacket.) What do you want to watch?

ZACH

Want to finish watching what we started last night?

LANE

Yeah. Great. (They sit down, and Brian walks in.)

BRIAN

Hey, guys. Ooh, Stop Making Sense. Great. (He sits between them.) This is where we left off last night.

ZACH

What are you doing?

BRIAN

Watching TV.

ZACH

Uh, Brian, this is a date.

BRIAN

What?

ZACH

Lane and I are kind of on a date right now.

BRIAN

You are? But this is what we did last night.

ZACH

I know.

BRIAN

So, last night was a date, too?

LANE

That was not a date.

ZACH

I was in my underwear.

BRIAN

But we did exactly the same thing, you just had no pants.

ZACH

Well, we're kind of starting to date, and this is what we're going to do.

BRIAN

So, where do I go?

LANE

Well, how about my room?

BRIAN

Really? You never let me in your room.

LANE

Well, now's your chance.

BRIAN

Great!

ZACH

Wait, hold on. (To Lane.) Shouldn't we leave your room empty?

LANE

Why?

ZACH

You know, in case the date goes good?

LANE

Brian, go in my room.

BRIAN

Thanks! (Runs in.) Man, it smells good in here.

RORY

Hey. Rory Gilmore. Um, this is quite a soiree. Are all the Life and Death Brigade gatherings this elaborate? (They ignore her. She wanders over to a group of guys.)

GUY #1

How about (?) social stands?

GUY #3

Ridiculous. Total stand-still for all in his vicinity. What do you say?

GUY #4

I concur totally.

GUY #1

Crazy construct if you think for a bit.

GUY #2

Dubious logic if you ask this thoughtful guy.

RORY

Hello, everybody.

GUY #3

My God.

GUY #1

Shocking.

GUY #3

Silly girl. Not adjusting to this proud point of ours.

GUY #4

Sad, this diminishing vision.

RORY

Excuse me?

GUY #4

Full count is six, I say?

GUY #3

Six, no doubt. Ay, again I concur.

GUY #4

Point in fact, daft lady, to catch on would prompt our congratulations.

RORY

It’s a game?

GUY #3

At which you totally fail.

GUY #4

You want for instruction?

RORY

Apparently.

GUY #4

Said gap ‘twixt ‘d’ and ‘f’ shall not slip from lips in any word this group allows.

RORY

Said gap ‘twixt ‘d’ and ‘f’ ... you’re not using the letter ‘e’?

GUY #4

Said this thing our group did banish.

GUY #1

Loud, for all to drink in!

GUY #3

Daft girl.

RORY

So, no one is supposed to say the letter ‘e’.

GUY #4

My God, this woman hounds us with this thing I banish.

GUY #3

Dumbfound.

RORY

Um, I’ll catch up with you guys later. Have fun. If that’s what you’re doing. (She walks away.)

GUY #4

Bloody horror, that woman.

GUY #1

Ostracism should occur, I think.

RORY

Hi, Stephanie.

STEPHANIE

Oh, good, you’re using ‘e’s. No champagne?

RORY

No, I’ll have a little later. So, is Logan the head of the group?

STEPHANIE

There’s no head of the group, Rory. We’re an anarchy collective, we don’t recognize leaders per se. Plus it’s a secret. I shouldn’t be talking to you. (Hiccups.) Warning sign.

RORY

Because the way that people act around him, Logan kind of seems...

STEPHANIE

Cute?

RORY

No.

STEPHANIE

No?

RORY

Well, yes, but –

STEPHANIE

There’s a line to get to him.

RORY

Oh, no, I’m not looking to get in a line. I’m a reporter.

STEPHANIE

Bet you’re a good reporter. And a very good girl. Oh dear, I’m talking to you. I shouldn’t be talking to you. I have to kill myself now – excuse me. (She walks away.)

RORY

Hi. Hi. Um, I was wondering. Is the safari thing something you always do, or do you choose different themes?

GUY

May I quote Max Ernst?

RORY

Sure.

LOGAN

How goes it, pariah?

RORY

Logan?

LOGAN

Word was a bear dragged you off.

RORY

No bear, I just wanted a quiet place to collect my thoughts.

LOGAN

You found it.

RORY

Thanks, I’ve eaten.

LOGAN

Good. This is for me. Sorry you’re not getting much from the group. Took a little arm-twisting to get them to agree to let you come in the first place.

RORY

I don’t need their cooperation. I’ve already filled two notebooks without their cooperation. Half of one without using the letter ‘e’, but I could use yours.

LOGAN

Way too much salt on this.

RORY

I mean, this is pretty incredible, but it’s just a preamble to the big stunt tomorrow, right?

LOGAN

It’s Finn, he’s Australian. They like salt.

RORY

How do you pay for this? Are there dues, or do you chip in, is there alumni sponsoring it? How is it organized? And what is happening tomorrow? Is it just as big, or bigger? And do people know that you’re here? Park Rangers, or the landowner? Where are we? Are we still in Connecticut? And your answer cannot include the word salt.

LOGAN

Okay. I think it’s time to fill you in on the conditions of you being here.

RORY

Okay.

LOGAN

First, no pictures. (Holds up her camera.)

RORY

Hey!

LOGAN

Aw, you’ll get it back at the end of the trip. Second, no names.

RORY

I’m not exactly being introduced to anyone as it is.

LOGAN

Third, no physical descriptions of any of us. There are authority figures up and down Connecticut trying to nab us for things we may have done in the past. Naughty things.

RORY

Keep you anonymous.

LOGAN

What number am I on?

RORY

Just at third.

LOGAN

Fourth, no identification of our location.

RORY

I don’t know where we are.

LOGAN

Fifth.

RORY

You’re going to run out of -ifths.

LOGAN

Most important condition of all. You must agree not to interfere with the integrity of the event.

RORY

What is the event, and how could I interfere?

LOGAN

So you agree?

RORY

Yes, I agree.

RORY

It’s pretty.

LOGAN

It’s drunk.

RORY

Well it sounds pretty. I like it.

LOGAN

I didn’t say I didn’t like it.

GIRL’S VOICE

Logan?

LOGAN

Yeah?

GIRL

You coming?

LOGAN

I’ll be right there. (To Rory) I’ll leave the light for you, Ace. I won’t need it.

GIRL

Hurry up, darling.

LOGAN

Here I am.

ZACH

(turning off the TV.)

David Byrne is a freak.

LANE

I love him.

ZACH

He’s totally cool.

LANE

So.

ZACH

So.

LANE

This was nice.

ZACH

Yeah.

LANE

I like your place.

ZACH

(laughs)

Hm, right.

LANE

I have to get up early for work tomorrow.

ZACH

No problem.

LANE

So I should probably...

ZACH

Oh, right, right.

LANE

Goodnight Zach.

ZACH

Goodnight.

LANE

Oh, no.

ZACH

This is bad news. Once he hits his REM state, Motorhead wouldn’t wake him.

LANE

What do I do?

LANE

He really is asleep.

ZACH

He’s gained a couple of pounds, too.

ZACH

Okay, well, I had a really good time.

LANE

Me, too.

LANE

Night, Zach.

ZACH

Night, Lane.

RORY

Another day, another sartorial surprise.

LOGAN

Start getting ready yourself.

RORY

I am ready.

LOGAN

Dressed like that?

RORY

Well, I didn’t have the “it’s an overnight thing” warning, so unless you want me to fashion something out of pinecones, this is it.

LOGAN

That clothing is going to interfere with the integrity of our event and you agreed not to interfere with the integrity of our event.

RORY

All I’ve got is a washbowl, a towel and a toothbrush.

LOGAN

Is that all you’ve got? Look again, Ace.

LUKE

Excuse me, Mr. Gilmore?

RICHARD

Luke?

LUKE

Yeah, hi.

RICHARD

I don’t remember you being this tall.

LUKE

Sorry.

RICHARD

Oh, it’s nothing to apologize about. Where are your clubs?

LUKE

Oh, I just figured I’d, uh, rent some.

RICHARD

Oh, waste of money. Owning’s the thing.

LUKE

Right.

RICHARD

There is no better place than our pro shop.

LUKE

Great.

RICHARD

Let’s go get you some clubs.

LUKE

Excellent.

RORY

I got your event integrity right here, mister.

LOGAN

Yep. I got an eye for dress sizes. We go this way.

LOGAN

Come on, hurry.

RORY

You try running in a crinoline.

LOGAN

We’re late.

RORY

For what? The ritual sacrifice?

EMCEE

I do declare here gathered, one hundred and eighth assembly of the honorable Life and Death Brigade.

RORY

He’s using ‘e’s.

EMCEE

Please raise your glasses. In Omnia Paratus!

GROUP

In Omnia Paratus!

LOGAN

Now you might want to cover your ears.

RORY

Why?

LOGAN

And to think some groups just go bowling.

SHOOTER

Pull! (shoots.) Pull!

SPECTATORS

Good shot! Pure skill!

RORY

Is this safe?

SPECTATORS

No.

SHOOTER

Pull! ...Damn.

SPECTATORS

Blame the gun. I would.

FINN

Pull! Pull! All right, I’m bored. I want to be a target.

LOGAN

You’re always a target, Finn.

FINN

In Omnia Paratus.

LOGAN

(shooting)

You want to interview Finn, Ace, you should do it quick. Pull!

RORY

Not bad.

LOGAN

Thank you.

RORY

So is this your big stunt?

LOGAN

Big stunt?

RORY

According to my research, you guys always do one big thing at your gatherings.

LOGAN

Pull!

RORY

Is this it?

LOGAN

Does it look like it?

RORY

I’m guessing no.

LOGAN

You answered your own question. Pull! You’ll know it when you see it.

RORY

Good.

FINN

I missed the mat.

LOGAN

Again?

FINN

I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me. In Omnia! (He swoons.)

RICHARD’S CADDY

You’re on your game today, Mr. Gilmore.

RICHARD

Indeed I am.

LUKE’S CADDY

Indeed.

LUKE

Indeed.

RICHARD

I’m going to speak to the board about these grounds. There are dry spots the length and breadth of this fairway.

LUKE

Hm. Oh, I’m up. Okay. Let’s see... I think this one is... (His caddy shakes his head) not the one I want at all, but this one here... (Takes the club the caddy hands him)

LUKE’S CADDY

Oh, good choice. Let’s take the tag off there.

LUKE

Good idea. Okay, ball goes down here.

RICHARD

Ah.

LUKE

Aw, damn.

RICHARD

No problem.

LUKE

It’s heading toward the wrong hole.

RICHARD

It’s just a Mulligan, son. Try it again.

LUKE

Golf isn’t my thing, you know. It’s definitely a thing, but not my game.

RICHARD

Well, what is your main hobby?

LUKE

Uh... (to caddy) Give me a hobby, quick.

LUKE’S CADDY

Uh, reading.

LUKE

Reading. I read like crazy.

RICHARD

Wonderful! What have you been reading lately?

LUKE

Uh, books. You know, this, that. Dick!

RICHARD

Dick?

LUKE

That Dick guy, science fiction guy, Dick something, something Dick... I just read one of his.

RICHARD

Well, I’ll bring Dick up on the internet, see what comes up.

LUKE

Wish I could remember that name.

RICHARD

You better hit your ball, son. We’re stacking up. (Waves at the people behind them.)

LUKE

Right, yeah. Okay.

RICHARD

Just a second, guys, he’s, uh, he’s new.

RICHARD

Not to worry, the cart’s been dinged a thousand times.

LUKE

The guy driving it looked mad.

RICHARD

Not to worry. Let’s go. (They start to walk.) So, have you put much thought into franchising?

LUKE

Franchising?

RICHARD

That diner of yours. Now is the time to jump. There are opportunities abounding in real estate right now.

LUKE

Eh, well, no, I haven’t.

RICHARD

I’d concentrate on the eastern seaboard, first. Connecticut, New York, Massachusetts. I’d start with, uh, five to seven.

LUKE

Diners?

RICHARD

Something manageable. You’ll need an investment banker, ah. Just ran into Herb Smith in the clubhouse, best banker in the business, I’ll give him your number.

LUKE

Good.

RICHARD

So, once the first seven are a go, shoot for the moon. National expansion. Set up a public corporation, issue an I.P.O.

LUKE

Yeah, sure. An I.P.O. Gotta set up one of those.

RICHARD

Have you ever gotten a straight razor shave?

LUKE

No.

RICHARD

Shaves you close, lasts for days. I’ll give you my barber’s card.

LOGAN

Hope you’re thinking up superlatives.

RORY

What are they going to do?

LOGAN

What do you think they’re going to do?

RORY

They’re not going to jump.

LOGAN

Jump!

RORY

That’s like seven stories! They’ll die!

LOGAN

We’re all going to die one day.

RORY

But those four are today.

LOGAN

Six.

RORY

I see four.

LOGAN

I’m heading up.

RORY

Of course you are.

LOGAN

And Finn was supposed to do it, but few of us figured he’d make it this far, so there’s an extra space.

RORY

Hmm. (Looks up, then sees the way Logan’s looking at her.) No!

LOGAN

And we’re not going to die. No one in the Life and Death Brigade has ever died. Old ones have.

RORY

I am not going to jump!

SETH

We’re all set.

LOGAN

This is Seth, he’s the genius behind all this.

SETH

It’s very safe. We did a dozen successful test drops, every potato came through without a scratch.

RORY

Potato?

LOGAN

You can’t test using people, that’d be dangerous!

RORY

Look, thanks for the offer, but I’m here as a journalist. An observer. Journalists do not participate.

LOGAN

Since when?

RORY

Since forever.

LOGAN

George Plimpton never participated.

RORY

What?

LOGAN

His best stuff put him in the think of it. Fighting Sugar Ray Robinson, quarterbacking for the Lions, skating for the Bruins.

RORY

So he participated.

LOGAN

Bill Buford lived with soccer hooligans in amongst the thugs. Ernie Pyle was so deep in the action in World War II, he was killed by a Japanese sniper, not that you gotta go that far.

RORY

Buford, Pyle. I know.

LOGAN

Richard Hottelet was four months in a Nazi prison working for the U.P. Hunter Thompson lived with the Hell’s Angels. Got in the muck, didn’t just orbit around it, and it drove his writing. He put you in those biker’s parties. He put you in those biker’s heads.

RORY

All right, all right, so, those guys participated. I got it, but I –

EMCEE

Jumpers to their places, please!

LOGAN

You’re scared.

RORY

Well, yeah!

LOGAN

And that stops the greats?

RORY

It’s stopping this great!

LOGAN

Come on, you look like you need a little adventure.

RORY

What does that mean?

LOGAN

You’re just a little sheltered.

RORY

Why? Because I haven’t spent time in a Nazi prison, been stomped on by hooligans and beat up by Hell’s Angels? And Plimpton got banged up pretty good too.

LOGAN

It’ll be fun, it’ll be a thrill. Something stupid, something bad for you. Just something different. (Rory smiles.) Isn’t this the point of being young? It’s your choice, Ace. People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up here with me, it’s one less minute you haven’t lived.

RORY

Let’s go.

LOGAN

Let’s go!

RORY

But I am not a fan of ladders.

LOGAN

They scare the crap out of me, too.

RORY

High. We are very high.

LOGAN

I’ve been higher.

RORY

I meant distance from the ground.

LOGAN

That, too.

SETH

This is totally safe. And it goes with your outfit. Nice. (He wraps a band around her waist, which a line is connected to.)

RORY

(pointing down at the crowd)

Why do they look so worried?

LOGAN

We’re low on champagne. You can back out, you know. No one’s forcing you.

RORY

I know. (She grabs an umbrella.)

LOGAN

You trust me?

RORY

You jump, I jump, Jack.

CROWD

In Omnia Paratus!

LOGAN

I really should have confirmed that those potatoes were okay.

SETH

Oh, thank God.

LOGAN

You did good, Ace!

RORY

Once in a lifetime experience!

LOGAN

Only if you want it to be.

LORELAI

(To customers) All right, thanks. (The phone rings.) Good afternoon, Dragonfly Inn.

LUKE

I franchised my place.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

The diner. There’s going to be seven of them, and that’s just on the eastern seaboard. Then, I’m going national.

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

LUKE

Your father wants to open up a chain of Luke’s Diners, and I think I agreed to it.

LORELAI

No!

LUKE

I’ve already got a marketing guy, Herb’s my banker, your father is taking care of all my insurance needs, and apparently, everyone is going to be able to buy stock!

LORELAI

Ugh! My parents, my stupid parents!

LUKE

And he wants to shave me.

LORELAI

Shave what?

LUKE

I don’t know, he just kept talking about shaving me, and I’m tipsy. We hit the club bar, and I didn’t want to sound dumb and just order a beer because it’s nitwit juice, so I had what your dad was having which was whiskey something – more whiskey than something, let me tell you, ‘cause I can’t even see straight.

LORELAI

Aw, you poor thing.

LUKE

And I’ve got an art dealer now.

LORELAI

No!

LUKE

I’m driving to Manhattan next week to look at some Diebenkorns. What’s a Diebenkorn?

LORELAI

I don’t know.

LUKE

Oh, and I bought some golf clubs, they cost the same as a car.

LORELAI

Where are you now?

LUKE

I’m at the driving range, your dad’s making me practice for next time.

LORELAI

No! Leave! You do not need to practice.

LUKE

Oh, and I sort of implied that I’m fond of the Greeks, so I have to read the Iliad and the Odyssey so we can chat about it, and can we not hang out with your parents for a very long time?

LORELAI

For a very long time.

LUKE

I mean, I don’t hate them.

LORELAI

Leave the driving range at once.

LUKE

I don’t think I can drive.

LORELAI

Honey, have some coffee and then come home.

LUKE

The Diebenkorn guy is still in there.

LORELAI

You stay away from the Diebenkorn guy.

LUKE

He’s chatting with my rare coin guy.

LORELAI

Just do not go back in the clubhouse. Go straight to your car.

LUKE

Okay. I like the valet guys.

LORELAI

Good, now go.

LUKE

I’m going.

EMILY

Why would you go golfing with that man? Why on earth?

RICHARD

Who, Luke?

EMILY

You are encouraging this ridiculous relationship.

RICHARD

Emily, please.

EMILY

He is not good enough for Lorelai, or to be Rory’s stepfather! God forbid!

RICHARD

Can we be a little more of a snob, Emily?

EMILY

The fact that you paraded him around the club. Our club!

RICHARD

It happened to be a fruitful outing. I am going to assist him in franchising his diner.

EMILY

Richard! That hurts-out-loud is not capable of running a complex business!

RICHARD

Well, that’s obvious, Emily! That’s why he will have no significant role, he will be the frontman! We’ll shave him, stick his picture on the menus. The whole thing will, hopefully, bestow some credibility on him. At least then, if this insane relationship between him and Lorelai continues, we can legitimately take him to places like the club. At least, on holidays.

EMILY

This is absurd. You’re absurd, the whole thing’s absurd.

RICHARD

And you’re not thinking ahead. Excuse me. (He goes inside.)

RORY

Hi.

LORELAI

Are you typing?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Yes, you are. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t type while we talk.

RORY

Gotta break the rule just this once, I’m in a rush. It’s been a crazy couple of days.

LORELAI

Oh, school?

RORY

Paper. Long story, I’ll fill you in in person. Where are you off to?

LORELAI

Luke’s! I have to un-stress him after his unhappy Gilmore outing. Dad tried to take over his whole life. He wants to franchise Luke’s.

RORY

You’re kidding.

LORELAI

Hey, do men shave anywhere except their faces?

RORY

I don’t know, I’ve never lived with a man.

LORELAI

Same here.

RORY

Well, if he does franchise the diner get him to put one near Yale. I miss those burgers.

LORELAI

He’s not franchising.

RORY

Hey, can I ask you a question?

LORELAI

Sure.

RORY

Do you think I’m too scared?

LORELAI

What?

RORY

Too scared, too timid. Do I take enough chances?

LORELAI

What kind of chances?

RORY

I don’t know, life chances.

LORELAI

I think you do.

RORY

I’m not a mouse?

LORELAI

Where is this coming from?

RORY

I don’t know, just something I’ve been thinking about lately. (She hears a knocking.) Someone’s at the door. Um, say hi to Luke for me.

LORELAI

If he’s out of comatose. By, honey.

RORY

Bye.